#ive really just been spending the past month to myself and trying to get back to normalcy if that makes any sense?

[hecksupremechips]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

[what-even-is-thiss]

hi! i just saw your post about your struggle with addiction, and it really resonated with me i guess, and i hope youre doing better now. ive been struggling a lot with being,,, lets call it ‘reasonable’ about my weed consumption and im feeling so overwhelmed trying to slow down with it and so ashamed that im even struggling with this in the first place, do you have any advice from when you first realized you had an addiction and like how you went about dealing with it?

im just really scared to ask my friends and family (outside of tumblr) for help because i worry that itll change how they think of me, or that theyll start treating me differently or something, especially because my parents are the ones who keep enabling this.

if youre not up to giving advice about this sort of thing i completely understand, and obviously our experiences and vices are very different, anyway sorry this is so rambly, and i hope you have a lovely week :)

An addiction counselor or a therapist might be better than me but I’ll try.

What has worked for me in the past with some things is removing the thing from my life completely and then later when I’m better seeing if there’s a healthy smaller way I can bring it back into my life.

Sometimes there isn’t. When it comes to opioids for example I can’t have those even once or my addiction immediately reactivates. Like with me it’s so fast. I become dependent on them immediately. Same with self harm. Hurting myself leads to my brain immediately wanting more of it to get rid of my emotions and it’s bad for my health so i just need to not do that.

When it comes to gambling and mobile games however I’ve been able to find a happy medium with that. I have maybe two mobile games I play that I don’t spend money on and I play more one time purchase games now without micro transactions. With gambling I put a hard limit on myself at 20 bucks a month and for the most part I’ve been able to stick to that.

Also I know that if I drink alcohol more than twice a week I’ll become addicted to it because I can feel it happening. So I just don’t drink more than once or twice a week.

You don’t have to go cold turkey. That doesn’t work for everyone. You might carefully measure out a ration for yourself for the month or week. You might not even have to give it up entirely. Or maybe you might.

I’ve found that talking it out with people in your life you trust can be helpful. The hardest additions to beat for me have been the ones I’ve never told anyone about. And part of the reason I’ve never become alcoholic is because I’ve told my friends and family about my problem and if I have more than three drinks at a party they know to tell me to cut it out.

I’ve found in general that people are more understanding than you think they’ll be. And if they aren’t then find someone who is. Even if they have to be a therapist or something.

I think the worst thing you can do when trying to beat an addiction or if you know you have an addictive personality is to isolate yourself. If you’re alone then it’s just you and your thoughts and your thoughts are what got you into this in the first place.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you find quitting hard. Addiction is hard. It messes with the pathways in your brain. It’s okay if it takes a while. Just keep trying.

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[missmouse25]

Personal rant below the cut. Honestly i might prefer it if you didnt read. You can like and scroll

Ive actually been very quiet about whats been happening in my life and with my family the past three months. I just need to get this off of my chest and then delete it. Because i cant keep taking on my family’s pain and not dealing with my own.

Towards the end of october last year my grandfather was hospitalized due to health issues regarding his legs. He was due to see a specialist here in my hometown early next year. So the plan was that we were going to go to them for Christmas and then bring them back with us for the new year. He was in and out of hospital for two weeks before a doctor finally told him that he needed to see the specialist asap. So on a Tuesday in the middle of November they drove him in an ambulance from East London to George, saw the specialist and scheduled for surgery the next day. While he was having surgery on that Wednesday, my dad went to fetch my Gran. For a week he was in hospital while my gran stayed with us. Luckily, my gran is still very independent and mobile at the age of 84. From the hospital, my grandad was moved to a step down facility where he stayed for two weeks. (This was all while mom and i were prepping for a dance show that we’d committed to in the beginning of the year, which came off the first weekend of December).

After the two weeks at step down, Pops joined us at home. It was a lot of adjusting for us all as he can only walk with the aid of a walker and not very far. Due to his issues, he had a wound on the back of his leg which he needed to see a wound sister at least once a week for treatment. He’d been home for about a week and the wound sister said he needed to be admitted to hospital again for better treatment.

Another week over Christmas in hospital and then he was back with us. But he’s stubborn. He’s old. He’s in pain. The best way to relief the pain and swelling is to exercise but the exercise causes more pain. Right before new years his legs gave way from under him two nights in a row and thank goodness for my dad because he can keep a calm head and knows how to help because of his profession.

The past week has been horrible. Pops spends his days hunched over rubbing his knees trying to find any kind of pain relief. My mother is at her wits end. My poor gran has been washing him, taking care of him. And i’ve been here. Not able to do anything. Yes i’m able to make life “easier” by being a pair of hands or a set of legs but i cant really help him. And it hurts me to see him like that - to the point i dont even want to be in his company because thats not the man i remember from my childhood. But the guilt of not spending time with him and my gran eats at me constantly.

They’re probably going back home next week and my mom has just told me that Pops has agreed to go to a step down facility in east london. It’ll be so much better for both him and my gran (and my aunts who now have to take over responsibility of them).

Its been tough. While writing this, i’ve finally cried after feeling like I’ve needed to for at least a week now but just haven’t been able to. And it feels so bad to want my space back, my house back, my independence back. My friends have been making plans to see everyone and i just cant bring myself to go out and leave my family behind. Besides i know that if they ask me what i’ve been doing or how I’ve been, i’m either going to break down or not be able to answer honestly.

I love my grandparents, I really do. But i cant keep myself together anymore

Maybe next after next week, things will be ok again. I just have to make it till then

[034463]

Maxiel fanfic rec

yes thats right you heard me a maxiel fanfic reclist because apparently im crazy and ive been reading so much maxiel tht i can make a reclist now. its all so very catered to my taste soooo have fun

1. With The Sun In Our Eyes by screwstyles | T, 36k

“A fake dating AU set in 2025: It’s bad enough that Max is outed by an ex in the middle of racing season, and then his team suggests he pretend to date Daniel to soften the blow. It’s as bad an idea as it sounds.”

a maxiel classic, theres just something about fake/pretend relation ship that just gets me. also a lot of miscommunication so heads up for that”

2. you pick me up and take me home again by wintrs | M, 28k

“It feels like a dream, seeing Daniel again after all these years. It's a second chance Max knows he doesn't deserve, and he isn't going to waste it.Or: Max isn't racing in 2027, although he couldn't tell you exactly why. But it isn't a big deal. He's fine.”

max deals with his feelings and also his past trauma. very very angsty.

3. Little Drops of Anguish by semperama | E, 45k

“After a crash in Baku 2021 leaves Max unable to race, he's left trying to figure out what to do with his life—and with Daniel, who doesn't seem to want to let him go.”

also like fic no 2 max cant race and must face the fact tht theres a life beyond racing and daniel showing him that.

4. well we can settle down by tiredtiredsharl | M, 24k

“Sometimes Daniel watches the tapes back and he thinks: shouldn’t I be jealous of this kid? Or: Max drives the way we all aspire. Or: Christ, I’m in the presence of someone who will go down in FIA history.He never says any of that. Because after he watches Max stumble through an interview with a journalist who quotes Toto, he realizes that the pressure is the last thing Max needs.Max is one bad race away from combusting. Or going into the wall again. And Daniel can’t handle either of those options. For reasons he can’t examine right now. Or ever.”

dont remember much of the plot except that i found myself finishing the ff at 6 am in the morning and the light were coming through my window. amazing shit

5. The Dog's Home by dm3rv | M 33k

“Max Verstappen liked dogs. Max Verstappen loved cats. The jury was still out on people.Max has spent years climbing the ranks at an Animal Welfare Charity, moving from volunteer to intern to Animal Care Manager. The dogs and cats he cares for are his life - if only he didn't have to spend so much of his time putting up with 'VIPs'; entitled celebrities and donors with image-based agendas. Daniel is going through an image and identity crisis after an uninspiring season with McLaren. Keen for an image overhaul, he gives his time to a local animal shelter. What he doesn't expect is the prickly Animal Care Manager who has been assigned to look after him. Animal Shelter AU.”

THE BEST! max vet au youre crazy and dog boy daniel scared of dogs? good content also dont forget to check out the side galex. also good shit.

6. The Drive Of Your Life by  littleprism | ?, 70k

“Daniel is a semi-known actor. Max just got his second WDC a few months ago. There was absolutely no reason for them to meet.

Until a fateful crash in testing changed that.”

b list actor danny and racer maxy playing in a movie together. theres some plot holes but if you dont really think about it its soo good. 

7. anything to get to the rush by kingsguarding | E, 18k

“It’s so stupid, that’s the thing.Every year, the World Champion gets to choose another driver to … celebrate with. It’s an old tradition, apparently. As old as the sport itself. Part of the prize of winning, part of your reward.Max has never understood it.”

the ff that made me realize im soo deep in maxiel lore that i will sink w this ship. basically two emotionally stunted boys doing emotionally stunted boys thing

8. MV33 by Whippasnappa | E, 14k

“Daniel finds out Max is on Grindr. He's curious. He's just going to download the app, just to see. Just to look at Max's profile. He's curious how Max picks up men, curious if Max puts his real face out there. He's definitely not going to message Max. He's definitely not going to do that. He messages Max.”

yeah.....

9. Happier than Ever (so why are you crying with blue-sky eyes) by Whippasnappa | E, 30k

“From the first time they met at RedBull, Max knew he never wanted to be without Daniel. A look through their relationship as Max tries (and fails) to keep his feelings for Daniel hidden, as Daniel leaves for Renault, then McLaren, as Max tries to hold himself together.”

it hurts but it hurts so good. retelling of their whole history

will be updated as i read more ff

[justkafka]

I go back to working in less than a month. I swore to myself right before I left my old job that i was going to take some time for myself and really try and just zone out or relax and go places. I have no idea why i applied for that job anyway and i have an even bigger doubt with myself now on why they even chose me. I asked for a big enough salary for me to actually want to take the job even tho a huge part of me didnt really think they would give it. Now im already thinking about what im going to do once i get back to the role i just left at my old job. Why do i always put myself in such difficult positions. Everything is just so fucking frustrating. I wasnt even supposed to get a job yet. Im also terribly squeezed by my schedule as my entire family is currently here in the metro to bid farewell to my sister and nephew as they head to canada for good. Im completely lost and it feels like im still waiting for something to strike me, something that'll pull me out of this rut and into a better disposition. Ive stopped posting on my social media accounts because i didnt want to spend the months during my vacation looking at my phone. I now have the power to actually go out and enjoy myself but i just cant. Im so exhausted. The past 13 years have been so fucking stressful. Someone please put me out of my misery

[taegularities]

ive just finished reading a book that shattered my heart into infinite pieces and i am not even joking a bit. i knew that the book was as good once i started crying and tears never stopped. i think 70% of that book was me crying. now i have swollen eyelids lol. i never cried so much over something since i watched Hachiko the movie. like real sob, sounds coming out from my mouth, the real hurting package thing :(

now i need another book as beautiful as this one. and i don’t think i would recovered from this one yet. she even mentionned one direction’s songs to describe the relationship between the two mc. i am fucking torn. oh btw the book is « a thousand boy kisses » by Tillie Cole. have you ever heard about it?

have you any recommendations? also i am debating myself to buy a kindle. although i do like the idea of paper book, idk. i spend most of my nights reading ff to be honest but since last month i can’t find any that is why i switch back to « real » book again. although i think i missed a lot of your series too i have to read them.

that made me think, is there any books that made you to start writing? how did you find telling yourself that you wanted to write? would you considered it as an hobbie or a passion? pardon me if you had already answered those questions in the past too. in that book i’ve read, author was talking a lot about passion and made me realize that besides piano - i am unfortunately not really into it anymore - i don’t have any. like isn’t it beautiful to say that we had something to hold on, to escape? i miss that..

i talked a lot today lol i am so sorry. oh and if any of your followers as any book recommandations (not ff too), i take!!! 🤎

oh gosh, babe.. have you recovered from it yet? i know that feeling so well. some stories just stay with us and are hard, if not impossible to forget. i know it hurts, but i'm also glad you found a book you could enjoy the way you did. i haven't heard of it, by the way! but just googled it, and it sounds beautiful. soulmate au :(

i wish i could rec stories, but i think it's genuinely been years since i read a proper book. i know 'me before you' and its sequel made me cry :') definitely get that kindle if you've been reading a lot these days! i do prefer paperback, too, but i get the appeal of an e-book.

yeah, honestly, that's gonna sound extremely mainstream, but books that made me write were john green's stories, the novel 'every day' by david levithan and (okay, don't laugh pls lol), but ed sheeran's songs. there's beauty in all those – a lot of talk of love and the stars, of soft and sweet things. which is probably why my writing ended up the way it is today? but i've always written tbh… i enjoyed reading and at some point, i started a random ass story back when i was 13 or so (it was horrible) and then wrote my first stuff in english when i started this blog. i wanted to try it out. play with words, see if i'm any good at it? and yeah, now i'm kinda in love with it and trying to be better every day <3 so i'd say it's both a hobby and a passion. truly an activity i enjoy the most.

it's beautiful to have something like this, true. i hope you find your passion, too <3 and tbh, i'm so grateful you asked all that? bc i love talking about these things.. like what, you're actually interested in me and getting to know me?? i'll blush lol :') love you <3

[nahalism]

When I was younger, I used to be so ashamed of being very very sensitive. I mean, everyone even my mom made me feel ashamed for it, it caused me to internalized everything and keep everything to myself and for a long while growing up I felt this hatred for people who where “openly sensitive” I would call them naive and stupid because that’s how the world made me feel as a child. Looking back now, I realize that my sensitivity actually made me smarter (don’t mean to brag but I think I deserve a lil bit of bragging) because so many things would click in my head about things that even older kids didn’t understand, I mean I still struggle with fully accepting just how sensitive and full of love I am (I don’t show it to the outside world) I know now that it does give me a richer inner life therefore it gives me a rich outer life and it helps me understand that when I get so angry at the world that I could burn it down just to liberate the innocent, that that feeling is really just a yearning for a better world and a better place for everyone on earth and that’s why it hurts so much and this might be naive thinking but then the little girl inside me screams “it’s not fair! Things shouldn’t be like this! People shouldn’t suffer!” I realize that maybe she’s right and maybe being a little bit more “naive” and sensitive is what the world needs. Maybe childlike wonder and seeing the world in a childlike point of view would make us more empathetic towards one another. I don’t know what you were referring to in your post about people having less sensitivities and how they seem to win more but at the end of the day why is coldness and callousness so glorified? And then people wonder why the world is such an awful place

.. thank you 🖤. i was actually referring to a similar thing. over the past few months ive been wondering if the time i spend feeling, piecing my shortcomings together and trying to improve etc etc is as worth it as i believe it to be. i know collectively we need love, but sometimes the path i choose feels like a giant circle. each time i pass go i make progress but there isnt always that same validation or immediate evidence of growth felt from walking in a straight line. yk? starting at a ending at b. instead theres just more and more and growth and endless finish lines. and lol. i think, sometimes i just wonder if im going about it the wrong way. idk. i dont feel its wrong but sometimes .. yeah. im rly grateful you wrote this because i agree from fundamental part of myself & i needed to hear that. we do need more love and more wonder. thank you <3

[0daytrick0]

Week 8...?

It's been a wild ride, but I'm nearly there. I am currently drowning in all of the work I have to complete, but the finish line is in sight.

I currently have 5 assessments that I need to start along with one exam to study for - well at least watch the lectures and stay on top of it before the exam.

Full time uni, let me tell you, even with having a flexible job, to maintain consistency and manage your time... It's a hurdle.

I just keep telling myself that it's my first official term at uni and I'm going to struggle with this one. Especially when I'm still finding my feet to figure out what works.

At the moment all I want to do is play fallout 4. It's my third playthrough and I got back into it after watching the show and now studying and working is a whole new level of hard.

But I will get there. I know I will. I just have to keep my head down now and concentrate. There are a whole lot of assessment to create and submit, but having these massive lectures to attend ONLINE, man, it makes it way harder than it needs to be. I cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes. 40 minutes on my good day. To have a 4 hour lecture with no breaks, man... It's just setting me up to fail. Especially when I'm in my own house. Do you realise how many distractions there are here? "There is a mark on my desk, let me clean it. I'll go grab a drink of water, oh wait the dishes need doing. I'll just sit down and make a to do list. Oh wait, not until I vaccume my carpet so I can focus."

I have always struggled with procrastination all through school, but this takes the cake. Even things I enjoy doing such as gaming I can't sit still for. It's crazy man. It took so long for me to be able to sit where I am now. To be able to attend University without worldly stress hurdles. I couldn't even attend my bachelor of psychological science after I graduated as I didn't have enough points. So I had to do an online pathways program for three months. I decided to apply for uni and went the year after that only to nearly end up homeless. So then I came back home, got my own place with my partner, and proceed to apply again but online and I am finally here. Ive made it past census date. And I am here for good now.

It took so long to get here. I was so excited about it too. Couldn't wait for a challenge and commit to a grind. But now that it's here... I'm exhausted. I want to quit. I'm starting to not care. I have little focus. It is fascinating at how the human mind works... Whatever the case may be, I am stuck here and commited either way. So I might as well make the most of it and push myself as far as I can (which is not far at the moment).

In between all of this I am trying my best to have money to pay for bills so it's not all reliant on my partner on top of saving money for my tattoo which has been 4 damn years in the making.

I need AT LEAST 5k to be able to drive there, afford the tattoo, and have money for food and accommodation. It's possible. It most definitely is, even with my studies. But it's the saving part that's the hardest. My god is it hard. When I finally can afford things, I just spend all my money on things I like. Don't get me wrong, it's things I use and have wanted for a while. But damn man, I really have to set my priorities. But a budget book and be strict with myself. Honestly, I need to be strict with myself with everything. Studying, saving, eating, going to the gym. I just really need to change my whole mindset and push myself. It's not about motivation, it's about consistency and building habits.

In other news, I finally bought my dream iPad pro along with the apple pencil. I couldn't afford it outright, and I couldn't justify saving for an iPad when I also want a tattoo. So I ended up using a credit card. Which is dangerous and I always swore to myself I would never do. But! I am only using it to pay off the iPad and will delete it once it's paid off. I have also locked the card and will hide the card away from myself. I will not build debt on appliances.

Right now I am planning out my whole week, dedicating time to the priorities, and making time to work as well as work out. It's going to be a massive week, but if I can just start all of these assessments, it won't be so bad.

[angelquts]

creating a journal post abt what ive been having to live thru for the past few weeks to help organize my thoughts and for the morbidly curious/friends who want to know about the situation. i will preface this by saying if anyone reading this has experience with psychosis/helping people with psychosis come to terms with their condition please try and get in touch. i truly feel like im nearing the end of my rope. i have messages turned off for anyone i dont follow but my askbox is always open if youd like to reach out.

about a year ago my mother pulled me aside and told me she's started hearing voices and seeing orbs/lights dance in her vision. she didnt tell me this out of any concern - quite the opposite actually; she dubbed this a spiritual awakening and said that this was start of a new phase of her life. personally i immediately dismissed it as she's always been a spiritual/superstitious person on account of her mother. never really been attached to any religious practices despite her devout belief in god. aside from that, she started burning sage around the house every day but that stopped within a week or two. she also went to visit some mediums/psychics/tarot card readers but ultimately this all stopped pretty soon after it started.

fast forward a few months (november/december) and she tells me the same thing, that she's been hearing voices and seeing visions of jesus christ come before her and impart wisdom. again i just kind of dismissed it, though i started to worry that this was eventually going to become something more.

about halfway through february she tells me the same thing that she's told me the past few times, but told me her "spirit guides" have been telling her times and dates to write down and that she's seen visions of the future. she started keeping a journal because she had been told to keep track of. when she wasn't around, i looked into her journal and it was mostly incoherent writing and scribbles. at this point i was finally snapped into some form of concern for her, but when i tried to suggest to her that it might be something mental going on with her she immediately shut me down insisting that she's "not crazy". i submit to the fact that i can't really help someone who refuses help and that my #1 goal should be to leave her and this house behind. over the course of the next few weeks, she takes up a sudden obsession with the religious; going to the library and borrowing bibles, going to church, listening to contemporary christian - all very stark and sudden changes because she's been essentially spending the past 4 years locked indoors glued to the couch watching tv and scrolling her phone. she also completely stopped using her phone, saying she "can't look at it" and that it leaves her "too open".

about 2 weeks ago, wed march 20, my mother comes to me and apologizes to me, saying that she's sorry for anything and everything awful she's ever said to me. immediately alarmed, i assure her everything's alright and that she has nothing she needs to apologize for. after talking to the rest of my family, they all said that she had reached out to them in a similar fashion to apologize and make amends.

the next day, thurs march 21, my mother does not speak to me for the entire day. she brings in a priest to say some prayers and bless the house. she does not eat anything and drinks virtually no water all day long. i manage to lock eyes with her for a split moment, but she immediately looks away as if in fear. after around noon, my mother starts going on these long walks throughout the neighborhood, being gone for several hours at a time. whenever she does come back, she takes a short shower and then leaves again. she's always within eyeshot of the house so it's never really a concern. she eventually comes back inside around 6:30pm to tell me to fix something for myself for dinner, then leaves right after having a single stick of celery with some hummus. around 8:30, the sun has already set and im concerned, so i go out on foot to look for her and task her boyfriend to lap around the neighborhood in the car to look as well. he does express some concern with her behavior, saying she keeps telling him that her "spirit guides" are telling her to walk. after about 20 minutes of looking, i find her right around the corner of the street. as soon as she spots me, she turns around and gestures for me to go away. i follow her at a steady pace, making sure not to run/chase her in case i upset her. she has short legs, so after a few minutes of walking im able to catch up with her. she's in tears, bawling, and muttering biblical passages under her breath. i attempt to reach out for her a few times and she swats me away angrily, but never speaking to me or responding to me asking her if she's alright/asking for an explanation/etc. long story short, after about an hour of chasing her through people's backyards and finally calling the police, she arrives home of her own accord and says to me "you really ought to trust your mother more". she refuses to explain herself, simply saying that we'll understand soon and that this is an act of repentance for her. i implore her to allow us to take her to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist/whatever to which she agrees, saying she's in her right mind and, again, "not crazy".

the next morning, fri march 22, i awake and she is gone again. her boyfriend says that she had left in the middle of the night when he was asleep, but that she was saying that her "spirit guides" were telling her to walk again. part of me can't blame him for not attempting to stop her bc she could have hurt him or herself, but also wish he were expressing even a single modicum of concern (she had been gone for nearly 6 hours at the time that i woke up and he said he was planning to look for her in an hour). we call the police again who are of little to no help, and eventually after nearly 12 hours being away from the house, my mother crests the hill and returns home, covered head to toe in mud, wearing long clothing, a hat, gardening gloves, and knee-high boots. upon bringing her inside, she is shaking and sobbing, saying she "did everything they said", "god betrayed me", "god abandoned me", "the dark one's coming to take me", "i wore two hats so they wouldnt find me", "they want me to go out again", "theyre crawling on me right now", and many other things that were frankly fairly traumatizing lmao. spending the next hour or so bringing her down, she says that she left around 2am because her voices told her to go hide, that this was some test to prove herself. she reportedly spent about 7 hours laying in a thicket not 1 block from the house (she still had marks, cuts and scratches on her face and legs from laying on the ground) and submerged herself in the nearby retention pond. concerned for her safety with her already expressing desire to leave again that night, i send her boyfriend to get an ex parte court order to have her involuntarily hospitalized. that is eventually rejected, but we find a nearby 24-hour voluntary mental health clinic that my mother (thankfully) agrees to spend some time in; not for any concern for herself (after she is all calmed down, she refers to what happened as "just a spirit walk" and insists that she was never in any danger), but to appease me and her boyfriend who are concerned for her wellbeing.

she spends about 5 days there (fri march 22 - wed march 27), at one point being detained involuntary after the doctors decided she was incompetent and unfit to decide on care for herself. ultimately, the lead doctor decides she was just "expressing her religion in her own way" and that she does not need mental care, only that she needs to spend more time with her family. unfortunately, i dont have any say on whether she is admitted for longer, so she is brought home that wednesday. later that night, at around 1am, she comes into my room and tells me that she's scared. she says she experienced an apparition of a demon coming up between her arms on her chest, much like the one that she had experienced the previous friday when she had left early in the morning. this was the first time she told me about this apparition. i spent the next hour or so calming her down and assuring her that she is safe.

thurs march 28, my mom reaches out to some religious zealots in the area, convinced that they can rid her of these demons that are attacking her. this culminates in a video call at midnight that cost $300 with a man who told her these voices she is hearing are that of the devil and that listening to them is ruining her life (ive avoided addressing her hallucinations/delusions but this seemed to snap her out of it somewhat). he performed some sort of meditative ritual with her and told her to shower after the call and treat it like a baptism. she seemed exhausted, went to shower and then went to bed. she then spent the majority of the night (2am-6am) pacing around the house and repeating (shouting) this prayer this man told her would keep her safe.

fri march 29, my mom says she acknowledges that everything that happened last night was nonsensical, including her own shouting and raving, and says what really helped her was this man telling her that these voices are garbage, and someone else she had texted the previous day (a woman named valentina, who turned her onto this religious zealot man) gave her a lot of helpful grounding techniques to keep her focused on reality. she kind of spends the remainder of the day on her own, meditating and relaxing after the past few stressful days. at this point she seems to have come to peace with her situation and has come to a place of self-awareness regarding these voices/hallucinations (still not acknowledging that she needs help, but realizing that this is a problem and she isnt being spoken to by the voice of god). that night, she got up and shouted/pounded on the walls about 6 or 7 separate times. a lot better than previous nights but still horrifying to have to wake up to.

sat march 30, another fairly normal day overall, she expresses some concerns to me that she's been overthinking (one big thing she had been repeating to herself on that friday she left and came back was that she "thinks too much" and that was, according to her, why god was upset with her). aside from that, she gets her first full night of restful sleep in weeks, no shouting or raving.

sun march 31, yet another normal day, only abnormal thing being that she seemed to be overoccupying herself. another quiet night as well.

mon apr 1, spend a day out with my mom running errands and things, again somewhat concerned about the level at which she is overexerting herself. i express this to her and tell her she says whenever she relaxes her mind wants to race.

tues apr 2, again, a day of my mother overexerting herself throughout. i dont think she ends up spending a single moment siting down.

wed apr 3 (day of posting), a gloomy day weather-wise which seems to upset my mom (she has previously expressed the belief that she can control the weather). she spends the morning out, going to the gym and taking the dog to the groomer, but comes back in a bit of a daze. does not speak to me despite multiple attempts to grab her attention (she almost pretends im not there), spends about an hour standing outside and gets rained on, comes inside to take a hot shower and comes out of it shaking and moaning (like she was when she had come back after spending a night in the woods). insisted that she was okay and that what she's going through is spiritual, not mental. again expresses concerns over using her phone, saying she's "too open". spends the rest of the day in a daze on the couch. can only hope tonight is a quiet night.

dont really know how to wrap this up, can only ask for words of support/guidance if anyone has them. genuinely have not been this stressed out about anything in my entire life and hope that i will never have to be this stressed again. frustrated in trying to get help for this woman who i love more than anything in the world and she not only insists she's completely fine, but actively refuses any and all help. really feel like ive done all that i can but i know that what leads people in these situations to getting worse is their loved ones giving up on them.

[self-h-rmageddon]

whatever its my vent i need to use it to vent or else this shit is gonna rip me apart like a tornado, its already begun

i dont think anyone will see this, i sure hope not! if you do, no you didnt. just ignore me for now, ill live

im scared. its that same thing, fear thats like an old friend at this point. hi! nice to see you again, take a seat lets do this again i guess. scared, i see things that arent there. little things, seemingly nothing, but its. i spend too much time trying to look into things and read abandonment before it happens, i know that. reading into things looking for abandonment and rejection will yield those results. i KNOW this. but i keep doing it.

small, it starts off small. 95% , im alright! anything i see, i just shake off. am i actually seeing it? or do i just think i see it? its simple... and then it starts to dwindle the more i see. okay.. well. this still doesnt mean anything! control yrself, its alright, you are safe, and you are loved.. right? no, of course i am! of course... time passes, things pile up, below half its not looking good! just. keep it together. youve been doing so good, havent you? youve been such a non issue for them! good. keep it that way. calms for a bit, but. how else do i phrase this? when i keep losing skill checks over and over and over again, you must understand! of course it just gets worse, im just not.. good at this.

im losing my charm, im getting dull, im grey and boring im.. annoying, probably. yes.. dreadful, arent you? YAWN. okay

its like.. ive been reassured so many times, i usually just reply that information over and over when i start to feel myself crack, but.. eventually, it goes quiet. im using old words to reassure myself, what if.. what if somethings changed? what if its not true anymore?

do i REALLY wanna get into how pathetic i am? sure why not, i said i love you a few times and it was overlooked. both ways. i cant blame them though, i probably say it too much, thats what i mean by annoying. maybe.. its so glaringly obvious how much i want to be here, maybe its genuinely obnoxious? maybe they just didnt notice, maybe they meant to but forgot! or maybe. its not true anymore. maybe they say it with contempt, maybe they say it with a sigh. that sounds right, doesnt it?

is it real? i have no idea! genuinely. im blinded here, i see whats real and what isnt, which means i see nothing at all basically. the worst part about it? i dont believe theyre those kind of people, not even a little bit! i just.. get scared that maybe ill bring it out of them, maybe its ME thats the problem, that wears them down, yknow?

this has been growing for like. more than a month at this point. slowly just.. chipping away, breaking down my armor. ive always been temporary in the past. even when im so excited to keep going, so excited to explore this path and enjoy it, i cant lie and say that fear wont rear its head eventually. eventually im going to be afraid again, afraid of little things. small. but you cant just say "hey! any tiny thing you do regarding me, i will see it and read into it and probably take it wrong" cuz thats not right!! even if its TRUE that doesnt make it right. no bpd walking on eggshells please 🙏🙏 please.

it always feels awful to be doing like really well! and then it just starts... sinking. you feel yrself sinking, you feel the flooring underneath yr feet start to lower, but you stare up into the sky anyways, its okay for now! its slowly becoming not okay. im scared im just..

i have a hard time going long without positive reinforcement or reassurance that im still. WANTED. that im doing anything right at all. i just need a little!! just a little, and itll go a long way i promise! i start to retreat back into my shell, i start regarding myself as a visitor and not a resident. ill stay away, ill become distant and nervous, less sure of myself, etc. scared, treading lightly so to speak. like the smallest thing will ruin it, its fragile and i need to take great care and make sure i dont shatter this. thats how im feeling again recently. its really just a me problem, this feeling grows over time and im so painfully aware of it

but.. thats where the problem arises, i couldnt ever ask for it. cuz.. if you deserved it, dont you think they wouldve given it to you? then theres some sort of separation, theres an answer. if they wont say they feel it, its because they dont. how embarrassing is that? i know its not true, theres probably another answer, but... what if it is? ive been doing so terrible recently, like as a friend im not doing good at all. i havent been, ive been trying but. im not trying hard enough, i need to do more. but if i do more, then i seem desperate dont i? i am desperate, even if i dont like to admit it, its true

what do i do then? if yr desperate and they dont like it, it reinforces to them why they shouldnt like you and yr worse off then before you asked! but if you never ask...

why does it always boil down to this? the 'damned if i do, damned if i dont' thing? its constant, im literally frozen in place. its killing me one way or another. and its so fucking weird how i can be fully confident, cuz it never bothers me when someone asks for help or reassurance, im here! bitch of course yr there!!! you cant live without them, ofc you do shit like that!! that doesnt mean itll be returned to you. you can hope it will be, but.. what if you try and its not? then its basically set in stone, you arent good enough anymore. yeowch!

[godsrejectedmartyr]

i realize i don’t really know what i want to do with my life. i’ve always had an interest in the medical field, attempting to take medical college courses my junior year of highschool (and dropping out because of suicide and depression causing me to miss around five consecutive months of school) but also somehow acquiring a pharmacy tech license the summer after i finished my junior year.

the plan is to go to med school, but that plan was only made when i was 15 because i really never thought my intentions to be to actually carry on with life. i told myself “ill try those college courses my junior year and if it doesn’t work out, suicide was always the next resort” because i had been struggling with depression, self harm, and suicidal ideation since fifth grade, but highschool was the first ever time i was actually serious about death to the point where the pain of it no longer scares me, and if anything i craved suicide.

however with the events of me finally mentally leaving a cult i had been born in, i had plans to maybe make something better for myself away from everything i knew. i wanted to make good money so i could leave my family (while still sending my mom money because she has done everything for me and even if i wasnt going to be there i didnt want money to be an issue) and go no contact and somehow live my life away from my past. however it didn’t work out because depression got the best of me, and it was not the first time i had failed throughout my school career. since starting middle school i had lots of falls throughout my life that would take me forever to even get back up from.

now i’m at the point where these pointless plans are becoming a reality and it scares me because i had never had the intention to live life at all. and honestly you might be thinking “just fucking kill yourself then, who’s stopping you?” and like yeah you’re so right but somehow i can’t. the reason i didn’t kill myself by the end of the first semester of my junior year is because of my boyfriend. i thought i would’ve died never having felt the romantic love of another human. i had such a huge thing for my boyfriend before we started dating, so you can imagine what it must’ve felt like when for the first time in my life a person i had a crush on asked me to be in a relationship.

since then i had dedicated myself to him. all i want is to be with him. but somehow that only desire seems to be getting pulled away from me more and more as time goes by. nothing could be done for the past year about us being together because im just a kid. but now im moving towards adulthood and working towards having the power to be with him, but that means i have to live life.

it’s messed up but i wanted to spend last summer with him just so i could’ve at least been with him before i killed myself later that year. however that summer never happened, and all i was kept being left with was my craving for self inflicted death, but also the craving for love specifically from him.

i realize as i type this, this might all sound super confusing and stupid and just incomprehensible. but i think that is exactly my problem. i can’t beg and choose. i have to work for what i want, but sacrifices have to be made.

it’s hard for me. because i still don’t want to be alive. i can’t fathom living for years and years. i can’t imagine getting older. i can’t imagine my life at all. and with the way my life has been going for these past 7 years, i fear that i won’t be able to actually make a life for myself, even if i ultimately decide to live.

i want to be able to be a good med student. i want to be able to get a job in the medical field and be good at it. but ive always been so terrible at life. my body and brain gave up on me when everything should’ve been at its easiest. but now things will only get harder. how will i do when the easiest years of my life have been the heaviest on me since i can remember?

i don’t want to fall again. i don’t want to watch everything go down the drain again. sometimes i wish i could be free from it all. but the truth is i just don’t know how to live.

[8bitsupervillain]

End of the Year 2023! The Games I thought were kind of bleh.

The Mehs of 2023

I decided to start things off with a relatively inoffensive idea. Once again for your personal enjoyment and perusal I offer you the Top Ten Meh Games I played in 2023.

10:BlazBlue: Entropy Effect

It's a side-scrolling hack n' slash roguelite affair. It's pretty decent, and I check it every couple months to see what changes they make, and it's been pretty good with the most recent updates. Admittedly I played this for very shallow reasons. It's got Blazblue characters in the game, and that was enough for me to give it a shot. If it didn't have them I probably wouldn't have given it the time of day, but it's got Ragna, Noel, and Hakumen in it, so I was interested. Sure, I apparently am not "a real Blazblue fan," (my favorite Blazblue game is Crosstag, and the only other one I played was Continuum Shift way back on the Xbox360, I think I played one on the 3DS as well?) but I enjoy this game pretty decently.

09: The Callisto Protocol

I played this one at the very end of 2022, and I actually had some small consideration to putting this on my top ten. In the end I decided against it, because I played it a little bit more at the start of 2023 and I felt myself getting more and more fed up with the game as I played it. It's fine. There are some rather amusing combos you can execute over the course of the game, but overall I just recall feeling basically nothing as Callisto went through its story. I don't know if there's any real intention to make a franchise of The Callisto Protocol, but if they do I feel pretty confident in saying there's nowhere to go for the series but up. The game has a very solid foundation it can build off of, and I would be interested in seeing where a potential sequel would go from the first game. Not every horror needs to be a psychological horror thing, sometimes it can be just as effective to have gross goopy monsters try to violently and bloodily murder you.

08: Diablo IV

I admit that I went into this one expecting it to not be particularly great. I haven't been a particularly big fan of the Diablo games for the past decade and a bit if I'm being perfectly honest. Around the time of Diablo IV's release I distinctly remember being particularly let-down by Diablo III, and being absolutely flummoxed by Diablo Immortal. So morale wasn't particularly high for IV upon its release. Despite knowing full well I probably wasn't going to have a wonderful time with it I bought Diablo IV regardless. My problem with the gameplay of Diablo IV is it's just kind of dull. In the thirteen years since the release of Diablo III there has been a lot of improvements that other Action RPGs have made to the genre. Diablo IV plays its own game it seems and largely just plays a lot like D3 while ignoring advancements that other games in the genre have implemented. I admit that maybe my issues largely stem from the fact Diablo IV decided to go entirely open-world and try to lean on an MMO style of gameplay. Although there was one thing the game did that I found genuinely neat. If you have an RGB keyboard the game actually takes advantage of that to dim and illuminate keys when your abilities are either on cooldown of available for use. This is another one of those "I'll probably go back and finish it next year," games.

07: Atomic Heart

More like Atomic Fart! I then proceeded to spend the next eleven hours patting myself on the back for this masterful display of wit that has never before been seen on the internet. Really though I tried playing this game for over two hours, and every time I played it I was just overcome with an intense desire to be doing literally anything else. What didn't help was that every time I played the game the thought of "man, I wish I was playing a game that didn't have bullshit gun leveling in it" also entered my mind. Yet every time I wound up playing Resident Evil 4 instead, shrug. Who the hell knows, maybe I'm doing myself and the game a disservice by stopping at two hours and fourteen minutes, and the game will be an absolute masterclass of wonder and design. But given how every single thing I've ever heard about the game is simply the horny fridge I don't think I'm losing anything by cutting our time short.

06: Hololive Error

Perhaps it's because I'm getting older but I don't really have a lot of patience for the walking sim variety of horror that crops a lot these days. At least it's not a jumpscare marathon where every time you get caught by the ghost vtuber the game screams at you. I just don't jive with these types of horror games I think, I just don't find them particularly scary. They lack that certain energy that really lends a game a sense of dread. There's also the fact the game glitched out and broke a few times across my playthrough that I think affected the spooky ambience it was trying for.

05: Fairune

It's fine. Kind of boring if I'm being perfectly honest and I absolutely hated the final boss because it changes to a completely different type of game than it had been up until that point. I bought it as part of a collection with the other Fairune games, but if I'm honest I probably won't play those. It's a retro style RPG sort of in the visual style of one of the oldest Zelda games. Instead of having to actually press a button to do combat, or getting into a battle system you simply instead run into your enemies. If you can't hurt them, you bounce off, if you can hurt them, but you're underleveled you take some damage, and if you're stronger than them you just plow through them with nary a pause in your stride. Since it styles itself like a retro game the game is cryptic and vague about what to do, and where to go. Even with this lack of handholding however you can and probably will finish the game in less than five hours. The problem is I just found it pretty dull, and felt it wore out its welcome by the final boss. I briefly entertained this for the bad games list, but honestly it's not really, I just wouldn't recommend it for anything above a sales price of five dollars.

04: Starfield

I kind of feel like this one is cheating because I admit I really didn't put too much time into it. Perhaps the game really picks itself up after the opening five hours, I don't know, and I really have no intention of finding out. After the first time you find yourself in a space dogfight I was hit with a sudden and intense feeling of dear god I would rather be playing literally anything else. Because I know that the game is not going to be just this, it's going to be the usual boring Bethesda first person shooter combat they've been putting out for their last three games. I don't want boring ground combat I want thrilling space combat, and I know I won't get that here either. So after another couple of hours of trying to find the fun in this game I decided simply to move on. I wonder if my feelings would've been stronger in either direction if I'd been anticipating the game at all. Nothing about any of what they had shown prior to release made me excited, it just made me give it a dismissive "okay," before moving on to something else. Usually the next announcement or teaser trailer for whatever game was coming up next, because I never searched out Starfield information I only ever saw anything during the various video game presentations.

03: Ghostwire: Tokyo

I feel bad relegating this to the list of the mehs. For the first few hours I was having a grand old time with it. The combat was smooth, the graphics were nice, the atmosphere was lovely. Problem is that eventually I just hit a point where I decided I was done with it. Some of the monster designs are neat, but really that's all that stands out as particularly good here. The gameplay is fine, I remember the movement feeling really nice as you make your way around Tokyo. But it's a bit thin, and I don't think it was very fun.

02: Superhot

A controversial statement to be sure. Superhot, in the meh games list?! Why with its unique gameplay how could I dare? Because I didn't like the story constantly interrupting the gameplay that's why. If there were less story and more shooting I think I would have liked it a lot more.

01: Tron: Identity

It really breaks my heart that the game is simply… fine. It truly does. It has so much going for it! A wonderful art style, a good premise, a nice ambient electronic soundtrack, but unfortunately it doesn't save this game. The story is a moderately interesting one, but the game really doesn't use it to any great effect. It just sort of meanders around until you stumble your way into one of several very unsatisfactory endings. I don't know what it was specifically that hampered down the story, because the writer for the game, Mike Bithell, has written some amazing video game plots in the past. Perhaps the game would have been better if the puzzle mini games were more interesting and varied, I can't say. As it stands this is just a crushing disappointment. The seeds of something great are there, it just didn't do anything to actually make it good, and that's incredibly disappointing.

[ferrn0]

REGARDING POSTING

heads up / TW: this looks at personal stuff + vent(? sorta) ALSO this is not super important / not essential for you to read

TL;DR:

less posting due to massive lack of motivation

want to post more and take art serious but its hard

could be depression or hormones idk dont know what to do

overthinking lots -> dont know why this is happening

crave regular change but havent had it + difficult to get change bc of parents -> maybe this is why??

going to try my best not to stress abt it

do not worry about me, im going to be okay

i havent been posting much proper/ finished/ full art ( not sketches ) because ive been really struggling with motivation this year. For all i know, it could be a depression(?) thing or perhaps hormones ( i have a uterus unfortunately) or maybe it just comes down to ADHD.. i do take medication for adhd but they dont really do much regarding dopamine so my motivation is still kinda low even when i take the meds. I really want to be posting proper art and i want to take my art more seriously however, without motivation its really difficult. Im finding myslef slipping back into what feels like a depressive mindset. kind of. yet, im super happy in so many aspects of my life where i used to be affected by this mindset. I have found a better group of people to be around ive found more things i want to do and ive got goals for the year- i didnt have those this time last year. And now.. my creativity has been affected and i dont know what to do.

-

I feel guilty for not posting. Or maybe i feel frustrated that i dont post (which leaves me with noone seeing my work). Either way, i want to post. but i cant get myself to.

this leaves me thinking...

"maybe i just need to improve my skills"

"maybe im not putting enpugh effort in, what if im just not 'trust(ing) the process' enough"

"i might need to just try a new medium"

"maybe i need a new intrest or fandom to join so i can make fanart"

"what if i was just qrong my whole life and im not cut out to be an artist?"

"perhaps theres something else wrong with me and thats why i cant get myself to do things"

And this circles round and round. So what do i do about it?? should i just take a break and not focus on posting? but i already do that anyway! do i just try to do a month long or a week long challenge? but i always miss days and eventually give up!

The more i write about this the more i realise i am not okay. and that im getting worked up over a small thing. but i am miniscule and to me this small thing is ginormous.

-

i am a kind of person who craves change. but only when i want it. And i have gone a very long time without the kind of change i need in my immediate environment. so maybe thats the issue. but i happen to be a child. who lives with his parents. so that causes some problems, dont it? not that my parents are horrible people or incredibly unfair. but because they have their own ideas of how we (me and my brothers) should grow up and what sort of privileges we get ect. because they are my parents. My parents believe that we should each have atleast one physical out-of-school activity we do each week. I do basketball. and i have been since i was in grade 5. its been almost 5 years. dont get me wrong, i love the game and i love playing it. but i find myself dreading going to each game everyweek. i need change. i want to quit bball. i also do drama classes each week(since yr 6/7)- but i like that. and i dont want to quit. because its different every week, every year. My bedroom has also been that same for the past 3 or so years, yes i have moved things around, but the furniture hasnt changed, and the walls have been the same colour with the same wall stickers since we moved in when i was in year 1. I spend a lot of time in here(my room) and it doesnt feel like mine anymore.

-

TW- eating

my medication for ADHD gives me a smaller to no appetite during the day. I no longer bring much or anything to school to eat. i dont really eat breakfast either(but i did that before i got meds anyway). I still eat dinner everyday, just a little less that i used to. and i will eat lunch (depending on situation) during the holidays and weekends mostly because it ends up getting made dor me half the time. i do suspect the rather sudden change un my eating habbits might be affecting me. but nothing terrible has happened to me yet(i have lost a few kgs but that isnt worrying as i was a little overweight beforehand). perhaps this is affecting my motivation too. but who i am to know for sure?.

END OF TW

-

i think i will just continue as i have been. but i will try my best to not worry myself over not posting. although i cannot make any garantees. not many people follow or interact with me here so i doubt this will cause too many concerns but if it does, please do not worry. i will be okay. i am working on myself.

I apologise to those who want/wanted to see my work more/more often. i hope this all makes sense and that you can understand ♡

with sillies,

thomas[FERRN0]