#ive spent over two hours trying to post this fucker

[not-just-any-fangirl]

Of Piercings And Dreams

A/N: Based on my lovely convo with @constellunaa and @rivendell101! I’d write more but Tumblr is being a piece of shit and I’m one more lag from throwing my laptop out the window <3

A late night text from Natsu sends Lucy's mind down a oneway track to more-than-friendly places.

Pairing: Nalu, Fairy Tail

Word Count: 9707

Rating: M

Part: Part One, Part Two

Lucy jerked as she was torn from her laptop screen by her phone buzzing on her nightstand, eyes losing focus for a second as they left the brightness. Her screen read 3:14 AM and Lucy balked at the time, looking back at her screen to see she was on the eightieth chapter of a fanfic she had found at midnight and had decided to start against Levy’s warnings.  

She looked back at her screen, still slightly shaken at having lost track of time so easily. It wasn’t her own fault though! The fic she had been reading was fixing all the plot holes and made the characters even more in character and Lucy’s fingers twitched to hit ‘next chapter’ before a second loud and grating buzz jarred her attention back to her phone.

She picked it up, confused and also a little pleased to see it was Natsu texting her.

Then she opened the message.

An image popped up, sending their previous conversation about whether or not animals were truly fit to rule the world scrolling upwards. Lucy blinked twice before typing her response.

Me - 3:16 AM: Natsu why did you send me a picture of a penis

Me - 3:17 AM: I don’t know if I WANT that to be your penis or not either but I’ll deal with that thought later

Lucy scrolled up again, eyeing the picture like one would a horrific car accident. Curious, but also hating yourself for being curious. It was a nice penis, considering the very few Lucy had experienced and could compare it to. It wasn’t discoloured or nightmare-fuel-looking, and the most prominent thing about the unexpected dick in front of her eyes was the small silver dumbbell through the underside of the head of it.

Natsu (red heart) - 3:17 AM: how sick would it be if I got my dick pierced like that???

Lucy sighed at her phone.

Me - 3:18 AM: Why are you looking at piercings at three in the morning

Lucy’s gaze flicked back up to the bottom half of the picture where the piercing was still visible, imaging Natsu grinning down at her as she ran her tongue over the bar and-

Bzz

Lucy squeaked loudly as she was torn from her impromptu fantasy, shame creeping up her face at imagining her best friend in such a non-best-friend way. She groaned loudly when she saw Natsu was trying to call her. Lucy hit answer, leveling Natsu her most unimpressed glare as his face popped onto her screen.

“Lushi!” Natsu cheered, eyes much too bright for someone that was awake at the same time as students either procrastinating or crying over their homework. Lucy had opted for the former. “So I was looking for a new tongue ring ‘cus my ball is boring now and then I got kinda distracted and stumbled on a thread about piercings and then saw this and it looks so fucking cool! Don’t you think it’d suit me, Luce?” Natsu rambled, grinning at Lucy. Lucy swallowed thickly, forbidding her tongue to let slip how much she thought it’d suit him.

“Don’t you think it’d be a bit painful? I mean, that is a pretty sensitive place to... you know...” Lucy trailed off and looking away from her screen.

“That’s why you’re coming with me, duh.” Natsu rolled his eyes at her apparent obliviousness.

“Uh, no I’m not,” Lucy said flatly. She smothered a grin at Natsu’s high whine, the screen in front of her blurring as Natsu flopped onto his back before focusing again. His bright pink hair splayed on the pillow in rosy spikes, the hint of black roots peeking out through the stark colour. A gold lip ring sat in the right corner of his mouth, metal slightly digging into his lower and drawing attention to how plump it was. Two single jewel piercings sat above his left eyebrow, one topaz and the other garnet, his right eyebrow unpierced but with a slight break two-thirds of the way outwards, a thin scar darker than his tawny brown skin breaking through the also pink-dyed hair. A second large scar stood out on the right side of his face, Lucy’s heart clenching slightly as it always did when she focused too much on the jagged burn scar stretching from his jaw diagonally up to just under the middle of his eye.

Lucy was grateful he never lost his smile after the accident on his final training run of his firefighting course, as selfish as it seemed considering his life had been on the line. Natsu without his smile just wouldn’t be Natsu though, and Lucy didn’t know what she would do if she lost any part of him.

“Please Lushi, I need you there with me!” He pressed, blinking his stupid big green eyes at her. Lucy pressed her lips together, determined not to give him and allow him to carry through with a frankly stupid late night -early morning?- idea. “You’ll be my bestfriend.”

“I am your bestfriend,” Lucy scoffed.

“Nu uh, Happy is! But if you go with me to Gajeel’s then you’ll definitely be my best bestfriend!” Natsu sang, wagging his eyebrows as if he was offering Lucy a years rent.

“If you think telling me I rank lower on your list than your cat is going to make me go with you more then you need sleep more than I do.” Lucy sniffed. Natsu pouted, narrowing his eyes at her through the screen.

“We both know we love Happy more than one another so don’t try and get out of this by bullshittin’ me,” he accused. Lucy blushed sharply at the talk of love, Natsu taking it as proof of his winning. Lucy mentally chastised herself, cursing her heart for jumping at the thought of him loving her. They were best friends, and in all five of the years that they had known each other he had never shown any interest in her or what she did romantically. At most he loved her like a sister, and Lucy had to bite her lip to stop herself from crying at that frankly depressing thought.

“Fine,” Lucy mumbled, unable to help her weary grin at Natsu’s loud whoop of victory.

“You’re a goddess Lucy!” Natsu said, Lucy blushing harder at his awed tone. She eyed her image in the top corner of the screen. Her hair was on it’s third day of not being washed and thrown up in a lazy bun, her pale skin makeup free and bags under her eyes from staring at a screen for several hours straight leaving her feeling spotty and gross. Goddess, ha.

“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy waved off. She was stopped from bargaining to get back rubs out of him by Natsu sobering and speaking unexpectedly.

“I’m serious, Lucy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Lucy blinked at him, shocked slightly at the almost confession. Natsu looked like he wanted to say more, but decided against it. “So how come you’re up anyway?” he asked, smile breaking across his face and dispelling the unexpected tension as quickly as it had come.

Lucy launched into a detailed description of the story she had been reading, eager to gush to Natsu about it. She rolled over, nestling her head into her pillow as she talked to Natsu. She smiled up at him when he asked questions despite having no clue what she was talking about, and Lucy’s heart sang as she looked at him. She waved her hand as she talked, distracted from Natsu’s face and the ungodly time just by simply talking with him, content for the moment with what she had, and convincing herself in the back of her head that she would always be content with just that.

Lucy blinked, panting as she looked up at Natsu.

“Just like that Luce, c’mon, keep doing it just like that.”

Lucy nodded, dragging her tongue along his shaft, holding his cock with one hand and resting her other on his bare thigh. His skin seemed to ripple under her touch, smooth and powerful and hers. She ran her tongue over the golden metal that pierced just under his head, mewling when Natsu tightened his grip on her hair, jerking against her tongue and lips as she played with his most sensitive areas.

“Fuck, you’re so amazing Lucy,” Natsu groaned, head tipping back and fingers biting into her scalp. Lucy hummed, swirling her tongue around his head with teasing laps. She grinned up at him, feeling the heat from his cock amplified by the metal resting against the flat of her tongue. His head throbbed lewdly in her mouth when she took him deeper, Natsu’s raspy groan making heat and wetness pool between her thighs.

He tasted of salt and musk, bitter on her tongue and almost searing as she took him further into her mouth. Heavy on her tongue, Lucy reveled in the feeling of him filling her mouth, piercing rubbing along her wet muscle as she massaged it and hollowed her cheeks on his thickness. Natsu groaned her name again, rocking up into her mouth. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, lifting her off his cock and guiding her by two fingers on her chin to him. His lips slated over hers hungrily, Lucy whimpering against him as she climbed into his lap, straddling him. She ground into his hips, burning pressure making her sigh with wanton pleasure as his cock pressed firmly against her mound and core.

“Natsu, I-” Lucy breathed against his lip, his piercing rubbing on her lip and sending shivers along her spine, fingers twisting in his hair at the base of his neck.

“Lucy, I’m gonna fuck you so hard,” Natsu groaned, hands slipping low and dragging over her skin, his fingers biting into her hips as he guided her grinding motions on his cock, throbbing against her lips and making Lucy cry out at the friction that made her toes curl. “I want you Lucy. You’re so perfect. Perfect for me in every way. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Lucy clawed at his back, sighing his name again as Natsu spoke against her neck, biting roughly at her skin afterwards. He kissed the mark in apology before sucking on it, ensuring a bruise to mare her skin. Claim her. Make her his.

Lucy raked her nails down his shoulder blades when he dragged one finger along her spine, teasing her and making her arch into him, mouth latched to her pulse as he tasted her again. He left trails from her neck to her jaw, a sensitive place just under her ear that made Lucy keen in his hold.

The taste of sea spray hung in the air, floating in from the open balcony doors overlooking the ocean, white curtains blowing in the breeze. Early morning light danced across the sheets behind them and made Natsu glow.

“Now Lucy,” Natsu growled, holding the back of her neck tightly as he ground her down on his hips roughly. Lucy sucked on his piercing on his lip, switching to the ball on his tongue when he thrust it into her mouth. The feeling of the scorching metal pressing on her tongue made lust flare through her bones, fire in her veins stealing thought from her mind as Natsu turned them over. Lucy laid out on the bed, arms thrown above her head as she panted and looked up at Natsu. He loomed over her, danger flashing in his dark and wolfish gaze, tongue swiping along his lower lip as he drew his eyes over her body, slow and greedy. Lucy felt his gaze as though he were touching her, arching into him and lifting her arms to him as she offered herself to him.

“Natsu, please,” Lucy begged, “I lo-”

“Lucy,” Natsu snarled, “I need you. Can’t you feel what your body does to me? When you make those slutty faces and sounds just by me touching you, I need to know what else I can take from you.”

Lucy saw stars from his words, desire catching in her throat and choking back her whine. She was pliant in his hands as he flipped her over, calloused pads of his fingers running along her shoulder as he gathered her hair to one side, revealing the side of her face to him.

“You’re so beautiful, Lucy. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.” He sighed, breath coating her ear. He lifted her hips, Lucy’s hands tangling in her white sheets under her. “Fuck, Lucy, tell me you want me.”

“I want you,” Lucy breathed, “God, Natsu, I want you.”

“Tell me you want my cock,” Natsu growled, fisting at her hair. He gripped her ass with one hand, separating her curves so she was exposed more fully to him, his cock sliding along her soaked lips and between her ass in deep grinds.

“I want your cock inside me, please Natsu,” Lucy sobbed. She hugged his pillow to her, Natsu’s thick blanket soft against her skin. She loved his bed and how familiar everything about it was, how his smokey and spicy scent permeated everything and intoxicated her senses.

“Natsu!” Lucy cried, feeling blinding pressure push on her entrance, his head thick and his piercing rubbing on her clit sharply. He pushed in, slow as he stretched and filled her. “Natsu I love you!” she screamed, squeezing hard on his cock as she felt his piercing tease her inside, rubbing on her and creating extra friction and pleasure that made Lucy see fireworks behind her eyelids.

He thrust into her, hips slamming against hers like he hated her. He released her hair, gripping her hips with both hands, raising her higher and forcing her face into the sheets. The fabric swallowed her cries, body rubbing along the bed with each powerful movement of Natsu carving his cock into her core.

“You feel so good on my dick Lucy. So amazing, you take my dick like you were made for it. You were made for me Lucy. We were made for each other.”

Lucy wailed as Natsu’s cock ran over a spot deep inside her, his piercing massaging her like she’d never known, not from her hand or past boyfriends or even any toys she had played with. He was right, they were made for each other, Natsu everything Lucy had ever wanted and driving her wild as he fucked her hard into the pale cream silk sheets, flower petals scattered around her and low sensual music the backdrop floating through her head, over written by the sound of skin slapping skin and lewd grunts and groans and wails of sex.

“Natsu, kiss me, please, Natsu!” Lucy cried, forcing her eye open to look up at Natsu. He swore, voice so deep and hoarse it was no more than a rumble. He reached his hand under her head, thumb swiping across her lip as he pushed his palm between her cheek and the bed and lifted her face to claim her lips in an upside down kiss. Lucy’s back arched, Natsu cupping her jaw with one hand, thumb gentle as it stroked her cheekbone, his other hand softly caressing the front of her throat. His fingertips dug into her pulse when she groaned at the feeling of his hands on her skin, Natsu’s lips swallowing her sounds. His tongue pushed into her mouth easily, Lucy’s breath forced from her lungs with each rough thrust of his cock into her heat.

“Lucy,” Natsu snarled, Lucy’s hands tangling in the thin cotton sheets as he ravished her mouth and body with his own. Her breasts ached to be touched by him and her clit throbbed from neglect, but her body also begged her to keep his hands where they were. “Lucy, I’m gonna cum. You’re gonna make me cum, Lucy, fuck yes, so fucking good,” he breathed, kissing her again before she could respond. His tongue rubbed along hers, piercing addicting as it ran along the roof of her and clacked against her teeth as he tasted her, her nose brushing his chin.

Lucy lifted her arms, sobbing into Natsu as she tangled her hands in his hair and pulled harshly. Her hips rolled against his as best as they could in her awkward position, carpet digging into her knees almost painfully, large building blocks and stuffed animals shoved in the corner and leaving them with room to play themselves.

Lucy felt herself unravelling, his cock thick and filling her so full Lucy almost couldn’t breath. The stretch was delicious, her body only craving more with each rock and grind into her. His cock rubbed intoxicatingly on her walls, piercing sending jolts of pleasure each time she felt it press into her. The string pulled tight inside her was reaching the breaking point, Lucy’s eyes fluttering open as Natsu pulled back, his own emerald gaze piercing her through his heavy lashes.

Sunlight filtered through his hair, the scent of grass and pollen dancing around them making Lucy’s head spin at how lucky she was to have him as he took her in the middle of the clearing, camping gear forgotten by the stream.

“Make me cum, Lucy,” Natsu commanded. Lucy whined, Natsu’s grip tightening reflexively as her sound vibrated against his palm. She squeezed on him as tightly as she could, nails raking along his scalp as her body moved of it’s own violation. “Fuck, Lucy, cum with me. I wanna feel you cum on my dick, need to feel how good I fuck you. Show me how good I fuck your tight pussy, Lucy.”

Lucy unwound instantly, breath falling from her in a stuttering scream until her mouth was frozen open in a soundless cry, intense and overwhelming pleasure crashing over her as Natsu continued to pound his hips into hers. He stilled, snarling a single thing as he filled her with his cock and cum.

“Lucy, I love you!”

Lucy opened her eyes, rolling over and screaming into her pillow.

She was the worst. The absolute, most disgusting, worst person in the world. Her skin felt sweaty from her dream, slick heat pooled embarrassingly between her thighs, proof that her dream had actually happened. Or, well, that she had actually dreamed her dream. Either way, that wasn’t the part Lucy should be focusing on.

No, the part she should be focusing on would be that she had just had the most intense and wild sex dream of her life, and it had starred none other than her best friend.

She opened her eyes, glaring balefully at the clock beside her head, its red numbers mocking her. Her first day off in two weeks and now she had to sit around and contemplate what layer of hell she was going to be sent to when she finally died. Her body still ached at the phantom memory of Natsu inside her, fingers twitching as the stray thought to trail her fingers lower crossed her mind.

Nope.

Not happening.

Lucy could exercise some control, dammit .

She refused to sink to the level of masturbating to her best friend. Her stupid, sexy, model-hot, firefighting and animal shelter volunteering best friend. Who wanted a dick piercing.

Lucy’s libido was really fucking close to winning the longer she thought about Natsu.

Lucy knotted her hands in her hair and screamed into her pillow again.

She pushed herself from her bed, deciding a nice cold shower was what she needed, and then a cup of black coffee. She rubbed her face as she passed through her living room, flashes of Natsu’s sex flushed face and dark eyes and impish grin assaulting her closed eyes.

“Stupid Natsu,” Lucy growled to herself.

“Oi, what I’d do?”

Lucy screamed, tripping over the edge of her carpet as Natsu’s voice sounded from inside her apartment. She scrambled up, glaring at him and making him go pale from where he sat lounging on her couch. “Uh, yo?” he asked, hand still partially up in a meek wave.

“Why are you in here?” Lucy whined, trying to go for intimidating but her knee was kind of throbbing from where she fell and she hadn’t had any coffee yet and her hair could put a bird’s best to shame. The fear melted from Natsu’s gaze as he grinned at her, bright and innocent as if he hadn’t broken into her apartment at... Lucy didn’t actually know the time but she knew it was too early for this.

“I haven’t seen you for a week, Weirdo!” Natsu scoffed. He splayed out on her couch, swallowing hard as he looked away. “I’m allowed to miss my best friend.”

“While that is incredibly sweet we literally talked less than twelve hours ago,” Lucy chastised gently, her heart thumping fondly at how silly he was.

“Not in person, ” Natsu whined. His cheeks were slightly red as his gaze flicked to her before looking away. Lucy cocked her head at his strange behavior before looking down at herself.

And saw her tiny black thong peeking out from under her white sleep tank.

Lucy blushed hard, squeaking as she grabbed at the blanket under Natsu’s ass and dragged him to the floor as she yanked it out from under him.

“Why are you here?” Lucy whined again, part horrified and part annoyed. “And stop looking!”

“Not my fault you sleep in skimpy shit like that!” Natsu defended. He glared up at her from the floor, eyes trailing along her still bare legs before snapping up to her face in large circles. He seemed contrite enough at his wandering gaze so Lucy only made a high noise in the back of her throat and hit him in the face with a pillow. He fell to the floor with a low groan as Lucy huffed and marched towards her bathroom.

“I’m taking a shower and you better have my coffee ready when I’m out!”

She tightened the half-folded blanket on her hips, glowering as she slammed the bathroom door shut.

“Mraw.”

“Hello Happy,” Lucy sighed, banging her head on the door lightly. She looked down, smiling softly at the blue cat winding around her ankles. He headbutted her, meowing again. She sighed, stripping and leaving her clothes piled in the corner with her blanket. Lucy stepped into the shower and turned it on, biting her tongue as the cold water hit the top of her spine.

She ran her hands through her hair, allowing the water to trail down her body. She became aware of how close Natsu was to her, naked in the shower. Memories of her dream surfaced, Natsu's hot hands replacing the cool streams of water running along her skin. Between her breasts, along her stomach, dipping between her thighs...

“Mrooow.”

Lucy absolutely refused to get off in the shower thinking about Natsu when not only was he in her kitchen hopefully not burning her coffee but she also had his cat in the room with her.

She turned the knob as far left as she could, gritting her teeth as water that was one degree above ice washed over her. She could do this. No thinking bad fantasies. Lucy finished the rest of her shower quickly, focusing her thoughts on reading the back of her conditioner bottle rather than allowing them to wander.

She stepped out, grabbing towels and wrapping her body and hair in one each. Lucy smiled when she noticed Happy curled up on her clothes and blanket, content despite the threat of water so close to him. Lucy peeked her head out of the shower, glaring at Natsu's back as he fiddled in her kitchen as if she could mentally threaten to kill him if he thought of peeking. Not that Lucy had much of a leg to stand on, but details. Walking as quickly as she could without running, Lucy made her way back to her bedroom. She gathered her clothes, pausing as she tugged her jean shorts up when the bright blue fabric of her blanket caught her eye.

Her fists twisted in the fabric, teeth clenched around the pillow as she screamed his name. Natsu slammed into her, hand heavy on the back of her neck as he pushed her down into the sheets, skin burning against hers.

Lucy felt need build between her thighs at the dream-memory, quickly turning away and doing up the couple buttons left. Nope. Nuh uh. Lucy threw on her favourite top, the blue and white fabric tight and soft against her skin, ending just under her ribs. And well, if she forgot to put a bra on, who was she to be judged for rushing to make sure Natsu didn't burn her apartment down?

She hurried out of the room after ripping off her sheets and putting them in her dirty laundry pile, throwing her hair into a high ponytail as she made her way down the hall. The remnants of her unease drifted away with the smell of coffee and hazelnuts, Natsu waiting in her kitchen with two large cups in his hand and a bright smile on his face. Plue was jumping at him, paws pushing on his thigh as he yapped at Natsu. Happy called out as well from where he sat perched on top of her fridge.

“You always make it just how I love it,” Lucy smiled, taking the pink mug from him and inhaling deeply. Lucy took a sip, careful of the burning liquid but desperate for a caffeine fix. She moaned happily, basking in the nutty and sweet flavour on her tongue and the warmth travelling through her body. Looking up at Natsu, a different shiver of warmth trailed her spine at how close he was to her, Natsu’s grin fond as he looked at her over his own cup of black coffee with an almost lethal amount of sugar in it.

Deciding to take advantage of how oblivious Natsu could be, Lucy leaned into him. Her head tucked nicely under his chin, body pressed loosely to his as she rested her weight on him. “Whatcha doing, Weirdo?” Natsu asked, laughter in his voice. He held his coffee a safe distance away from both Lucy and Happy, his other hand resting on her head gently.

“Tired,” Lucy groaned into his shirt, nuzzling closer to him. She rested her coffee on the counter, uncaring of Happy sticking his muzzle or paw into her drink if it meant an excuse to get closer to Natsu. Natsu chuckled, wrapping his other arm around her as he continued to pet her head.

“So lazy. Lazy Lushi,” he teased, breath hot on her ear when he spoke. Lucy pouted, stepping on his toe slightly in retaliation. Natsu chuckled again, burrowing his nose into the hair by her temple. “Good thing today is Couch Day.”

Lucy cheered against his chest. She left her coffee on the counter, slinging both arms around Natsu’s neck. His chest shook against her as he scooped her up, walking back to the couch with Plue and Happy weaving between his steps. Lucy could sense his easy grin, toes curling in her thick socks as she took the few seconds to indulge herself in Natsu’s spiced hickory scent and the feel of his strong arms and torso against her body.

They fell onto the couch in a jumble, Lucy firmly on his lap as Natsu settled into the plush furniture with a grunt. “Our coffees,” Lucy whined, looking over Natsu’s shoulder at the pink and black mugs left on the counter. With a groan she pushed off Natsu. He moved to follow, falling back down with a sly grin when she leaned over him and pressed back his shoulder. She stuck her tongue out at him, padding back into the kitchen. Lucy returned quickly with their cups, stopping to grab her light cream blanket to throw over them. She handed Natsu his coffee, climbing back into his lap and cuddling against him, leaving Natsu to pull the blanket over them with a wry grin snuck at Lucy. She ignored how the way his eyebrow rose shifted the piercings in his skin, and how kissable his lip ring looked in the gentle mid-morning light that filtered in through Lucy’s thin curtains.

“One of your drama’s or that new wizard series?” Natsu asked, grabbing her remote from her coffee table and turning on her TV. Lucy shrugged, nuzzling deeper into Natsu and burying her nose in his neck. A shiver rolled through her as the thought of straddling and kissing his neck occurred to her, actions easy even if the fallout wouldn't be. Stupid Natsu and putting his dick in the forefront of her mind at three AM, now she was hyper aware of how close she was, sitting on his lap and a wiggle away from grinding down on him.

“You’ve wanted to watch that wizard show,” she mumbled. Natsu shivered slightly, and Lucy frowned. She knew she kept her apartment cold but she didn’t think it was that bad, especially because Natsu generally ran hot.

“Wizards and dragons!” Natsu sang, clicking play on the first episode of the series. Lucy giggled softly to herself at how eager Natsu was. She sighed, content again as she sat in Natsu’s lap and determined to stay that way, Happy and Plue curled around her feet on her couch.

Couch Days with Natsu were her favourite part of having days off. It was their own little pocket of the world, a place where Lucy and Natsu could just be Lucy and Natsu, and Lucy didn’t think she would trade that for anything .

Lucy groaned as she shouldered open her door, dropping her purse and laundry hamper beside her. Lucy was going to kill her stupid neighbour and their gackle of ten kids. Did Lucy look like she wanted to climb eight flights of stairs because there was no room in their dumb little community elevator? Honestly, what kind of person wanted that many children? Lucy could understand if she had been a foster home, but nope , her hoard of blond over blue children could all pass as fucking clones . And if Lucy had to have one more forced conversation about how the family was being forced to live in their vacation apartment while their home was under renovation Lucy was going to shove her last laundry packet into that stuck-up woman’s fat stupid gaping mo-

“Yo!”

“Natsu would you please either announce yourself when you break into my apartment or at least send me a text?”

Lucy lifted her head from where she had been banging it lightly on the door. Natsu was perched on her counter, legs swinging as he grinned at her.

“If you didn’t want me to come in then why’d you give me a key?” he asked. Lucy rolled her eyes at his smug eyebrow lift. Jackass.

“For emergencies .” Lucy complained. She shuffled her things into the entrance before closing the door, confusion making her tilt her head as she took in Natsu’s clothes. He still had his leather jacket and white pillowed scarf on, pale grey fabric of the sleeves and hood making his skin seem even richer and the colour of his hair more obvious. Usually he was the first to strip all unnecessary clothes and leave them scattered around Lucy’s apartment, and the sight of Natsu fully dressed to go out sent off warning alarms in Lucy’s head. “Why are you still wearing your shoes and jacket?” she asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Natsu beamed at her as he hopped off her counter, walking towards her. “My appointment at Blue Iron is in half an hour!” he said, grabbing Lucy’s laundry and placing it on the chair by her entrance closet.

“Wha- oh my God you were serious?” Lucy gaped. Natsu eyed her over critically, as if she might have a fever or had run head first into a telephone pole -which she had sadly seen Natsu do more than once.

“Duh, Weirdo. Did you snort some of that laundry powder again like when Happy knocked you over a year ago?” Natsu asked, resting a hand on her forehead. Lucy glared up at him, huffing as she rested her hands on her hips.

“Natsu as your best friend and apparently your damn brain I refuse to allow you to get your dick pierced.”

“But Lushi ,” Natsu whined, wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her to his chest. He blinked large puppy-dog eyes at her, lower lip pushed out. “You said you would .”

Lucy held her resolve for all of two minutes before caving. She knew her face betrayed her by the way Natsu crowed in victory, crushing her and swinging her in a bear hug. Lucy groaned, limp in his arms as her feet swung a foot above the ground. “Okay, but when Gajeel starts laughing at you for crying I’m not stopping him.”

“Psh,” Natsu scoffed, looking down at her in offence, still holding her above the ground, “I ain’t gonna cry .”

“Natsu Dragneel you are having a needle put through your penis and then having a metal bar put into that hole. If you aren’t going to cry then my favourite colour is black.” Lucy said dryly. She couldn’t help but smile at Natsu’s pout, sighing heavily and pointedly until he put her down. “C’mon you dumb dragon, if we’re going to make your appointment then we should get going.”

Natsu cheered up instantly, grabbing her purse and hand as he dragged her out the door. “You’re the best Luce!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy rolled her eyes, grinning at her flip-flop clad feet as she allowed Natsu to lead her back to the damn stairs. The walk down to Gajeel’s piercing and tattoo shop took about twenty minutes, Natsu filling the evening silence with idle chatter. About Happy, his and Gray’s -Natsu’s other best friend, even though Lucy knew he’d rather be pinned under a beam than admit- latest wrestling matches during down time at the station, his own random thoughts on what they saw as they passed. Lucy laughed along, arm slung through Natsu’s as they walked beside each other and throwing in her own stories or opinions. Natsu laughed loudly at her comment on a tree stump that looked less like foliage and more phallic, stopping in front of Gajeel’s shop. “You ready?” she asked.

Lucy grinned smugly at Natsu’s less than enthusiastic gulp, leading him into the shop and shaking her head at his sudden bravado when the tinkling bell chimed above their heads. Honestly, Lucy wouldn’t be surprised if he was going through with this just because Gray or his cousin had scoffed when Natsu mentioned it to them.

“So ya actually showed up, eh?” Gajeel rumbled, wiping his hands as he walked from behind the counter, markers and ink wells scattered on the glass top where Gajeel had been doodling designs.

Lucy smiled to herself, pleased at being right.

Natsu scoffed, puffing out his chest and walking with more of a cocky leen, Lucy completely unfooled as his arm tightened around hers. “I see ya brought Bunny Girl for emotional support,” Gajeel continued to drawl. Lucy rolled her eyes at the nickname. She gets drunk and gets one measly cute little bunny outline tattooed on her ribcage and suddenly it’s a nickname for life. “Wha’dya do, drag her out of her apartment?” Lucy pouted, looking down at her clothing. She thought it was cute and casual, an over sized t-shirt she had stolen from Natsu a couple years ago as payment for doing his laundry, black fabric soft and worn and red hockey team design faded with age, the front tucked into her high waisted shorts while the back trailed to just below the cuff of them. Her shoulders were exposed as the shirt hung loose, left one lower than the right.

“I’m here now and that’s what matters. So who’s doing Natsu’s piercing? I know Jet’s gotten pretty good-” Lucy brushed off, curious about who would be handling Natsu’s piercing.

“You crazy? Like I’d make any of my staff suffer by dealing with Strawberry’s junk here. Nah, I’m the one who’s handling Natsu’s appointment today.” Gajeel grunted, turning on his heel and walking to the back of the shop where the curtained off rooms offered some semblance of privacy. Lucy grinned at Gajeel’s back as they followed him. She knew him well by now, both from him being Levy’s fiance and being friends in their own right. He could bluff all he wanted, but Lucy knew Gajeel was doing this because he didn’t trust anyone else with his little cousin’s piercing. Why he had to be such a stubborn bastard about it was a thing that had eluded Lucy for years.

“You ready?” Lucy asked Natsu, pausing outside the curtain. His lips were pressed in a thin line, fingers tangling and playing with Lucy’s nervously where they held hands. He nodded, eyes pinched as he exhaled heavily through his nose. “Hey, just think about how cool it’ll look when it’s done,” Lucy said softly. Natsu’s gaze flicked to her, thankful as he gave her a tiny grin.

“You think it’ll look good on me?” he asked, voice a little higher than usual. Lucy gulped loudly, thoughts once more forced back to what Natsu’s dick would look like with a piercing, expanding to him naked and looming above her with a wicked grin, all danger and pink hair and dark skin and piercings and scars.

“Yeah,” Lucy rasped, throat suddenly dry. “I think it’ll look really good on you.”

Natsu flushed at her words, head ducking so his chin was tucked into his scarf slightly. “O-okay.”

Lucy nodded numbly, ushering Natsu into the room at Gajeel’s rough bark asking if Natsu was pussy-ing out.

“Remember, I’m right here,” Lucy whispered into his ear, squeezing his hand. Natsu gave her another small smile, more confident as he squeezed her back and settled into the black leather chair. Lucy perched on the stool beside his head, her knees just below his shoulders.

“Drop the pants, dipshit,” Gajeel grunted, fiddling with his plastic gloves and a sharp, thick looking needle. Lucy felt anxiety well in her throat for Natsu, no longer caring about the chance to sneak a completely platonic look at his dick -circumcised, Lucy’s subconscious was pleased to note- when faced with the reality that she was about to watch Gajeel put a fucking needle through it. Natsu made a low noise in his throat that reminded Lucy of a whine, doing as Gajeel said -if a little reluctantly and shaky. Natsu rapped his fingers on the chairs of the arm, tilted back slightly as his jeans and boxers were undone and open to reveal his length. Gajeel’s face twisted as he was forced to look at Natsu’s dick, but made no comment.

Lucy blinked when Natsu reached for her hand, giving him a gentle squeeze as they interlaced fingers. Natsu kept his gaze on his soon to be pierced dick, and Lucy rested a hand on the back of his neck, giving him a soft squeeze as she rubbed her thumb along his slightly clammy skin. She looked back at his limp length, Gajeel placing a pale blue piece of paper like on a bench of a doctors’ office on Natsu’s lap and swabbing the underside of his head with a q-tip .

“Oi,” Natsu called, flexing his grip on Lucy’s hand as he looked to Gajeel. “You have a fuck ton of these things- shut up I’ve overheard Luce’s convos with Levy I know way more ‘bout your dick than either of us are comfortable with but now you’re ‘bout to shove a fucking piece of metal through mine so fuck the pretenses is this gonna hurt like a bitch?”

Gajeel eyed him before snorting, gathering the needle and a clamp beside him. “The clamp’s gonna be more than a pinch and the actual needle’s gonna be a little bitch.”

Natsu grinned, a little forced but a little thankful, at Gajeel, letting out his breath through his nose before nodding. Gajeel grinned back, shifting his dick so Gajeel had better access to the underside of his head and began to gather the skin on either side of where the piercing would be. Natsu bared his teeth when the Gajeel clamped his skin but otherwise remained unaffected. Lucy continued to rub his neck with her thumb, biting her lip as she watched Gajeel gather the needle and place it beside his skin.

“Okay, Strawberry, three, two, o-”

Natsu whined as Gajeel punched the needle through him, skipping the last number. Natsu buried his head in Lucy’s lap, grip tight on her hand as he kept his lower body from moving. “Just breathe in and out and don’t pass out on me,” Gajeel grunted, less harsh and almost soothing. Natsu nodded his head, movement so small even Lucy almost missed it. She carded her hand through his hair, trying her best to soothe him and herself as she watched Gajeel line up the piercing with the end of the needle, pushing both metallic pieces through the hole until a little node was against Natsu’s skin, gold like the rest in his face.

“Just... one more... thing...” Gajeel mumbled to himself, focused as he wound the other ball onto the dumbbell and sealed off Natsu's piercing. He cleaned it with a fresh q-tip, the most professional Lucy had seen him all through the appointment. “There ya go, all pierced like a big boy. And ya didn't even cry in front of Bunny Girl!”

Natsu bared his teeth at Gajeel from where he twisted his head in Lucy's lap, either an attempt at a snarl or smile Lucy didn't think Natsu knew himself. She took the opportunity to check out Natsu’s new body jewelry. He was laid so the underside was to the ceiling, gold metal more obvious against his slightly reddened skin, but the hint of danger that his piercing gave his entire aura made Lucy bite her lip. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help but stare at it, her thighs clenching together as her body became more and more desperate to know what it felt like. In her hand, her mouth, her clit, her body...

“Oi Lucy, you want one for yourself?” Gajeel called, snapping Lucy from her highly inappropriate train of thought. She blushed under Gajeel’s knowing leer, lips pulled into an amused grin and his snakebites and centre lip ring making him seem more like a devil than his almost-red eyes and thick, black, mane of hair.

“What?” Natsu rasped, looking at Lucy. His eyes looked slightly glazed, distant as his gaze trained on her heated face.

“You ain't the only one to overhear their conversations, numbnuts,” Gajeel grinned, gloves thrown in the garbage and his body leaned back in his leather chair with his arms crossed over his broad chest smugly. “And I know how much Bunny Girl likes piercings .”

Lucy squeaked, playing with her earrings in her left ear, a dangly star and a crescent moon stud. She looked away, catching Natsu’s intense gaze, still far away as he looked at her direction. Lucy bit her tongue when he swallowed heavily, hand slipping from hers and resting on her thigh, palm on the inside and his thumb brushing the side of her knee. “Didn't know you liked that.”

Lucy inhaled, nodding. Natsu's grip tightened on her, hand creeping up so slowly Lucy was certain Natsu wasn't aware he was doing it. Time slowed around Lucy, something hot growing behind his fog that made Lucy feel like she was back in her dream.

“Fun little note, you can't have sex for a year.”

“ What?” Natsu snarled, whipping to face Gajeel.

Gajeel broke into gut-splitting laughter, almost falling out his seat. “Your fucking face!” Gajeel guwaffed, snorting as he continued to laugh. “Fucking shoulda caught that on camera! Nah, I'm just shittin’ on ya. But it's probably best if you keep Bunny Girl off your dick for four to six weeks, and ya won't be fully healed until four or six months so for fuck sakes wear a condom.”

Lucy squwaked, twisting away from Natsu and pouting when Gajeel grinned at her again. He lobbed a roll of gauze at Natsu, standing and stretching as he spoke. “Now wrap that shit so I'm not being forced to see it. You're gonna treat me to a steak sandwich for doing this, and I haven't had shit to eat today.”

Natsu grunted and rolled his eyes at his cousin, wrapping his new piercing with delicate hands. Once it was secured Natsu tucked it back into his jeans, pushing himself off the chair with a second grunt. Lucy followed after, steps faltering when she heard Natsu hiss in Gajeel's ear. “We ain't like that and you know it so stop it with that stupid shit.”

Lucy's heart sank to her stomach, but she forced the reality check down for a later time to cry about. She knew it, but she couldn't help the hurt at hearing Natsu confirm it. All her dreams were simply that, and the sooner she stopped whatever delusions like the one by the piercing chair had been the better their relationship would be.

“And you're buying me a milkshake for dragging me out of my apartment in my lazy clothes,” Lucy chimed, brushing past them with a forced grin and bounce in her step. She walked backwards for a bit, sticking her tongue out at Natsu's exasperated look.

Lucy had been raised on Jude’s ‘fake it until you make it’ approach to high society social interaction, and it was one of the only few things Lucy was grateful to her father for passing down to her. That and her ageless skin.

Not that she thought Natsu really cared about either of those things when faced with emptying his bank account for his cousin.

“Luce, come back to bed.”

Lucy looked up from her laptop, smiling as she let her gaze drag over Natsu, splayed in their bed and backlit from their tiny lamp that was still on. She stood up, closing her laptop before walking the three steps from her desk to their bed. Natsu shuffled over, leaving room for Lucy to fall into the sheets and snuggle into him. Their kiss was soft and slow, drawn out as though to reinforce that they had all the time in the world to be with one another.

“There's my girl,” Natsu sighed, lips warm as they brushed Lucy's. The kiss deepened, Lucy sighing happily as Natsu tucked her under him, holding himself above her on his forearms.

“I love you,” Lucy whispered, holding his face in her hands as she tangled her legs with his. She giggled at his bright grin, eyes soft and crinkled at the edges, piercings glinting in the light of the lamp.

“What brought that on, Weirdo?” Natsu hummed, peppering Lucy’s face with kisses and nuzzling any skin he could find but her lips. Lucy ran her hands through his hair, black roots longer now, a couple inches she would guess, which meant that she would have to dye his hair again on the weekend.

“I dunno. Just wanted to say it.” Lucy smiled, happiness sitting light in her chest and wiping all exhaustion the day had brought on her. “Because I can.”

“Yes you can,” Natsu chuckled. He caught her mouth in another sweet kiss, the weight of his body comforting as he settled further over her, the fingers on his right hand gently tracing her temple and brushing away golden strands of hair. “I love you too, Lucy.”

Lucy smiled as Natsu pressed another kiss to her, this one deeper and longer but still just as tender. She knew it was silly that she was so euphoric just from chaste kisses and cuddles under the blanket of night, but Lucy couldn’t find it in herself to banish the bubbly tingles that went from the tips of her toes and made her head light. Her nail raked along his scalp, rougher than before as the light feelings condensed into a low simmer in her gut, heat burning in her blood. Natsu remained silent, his wandering hands and the pressure of his tongue running along her lower lip and prodding at the seam of her mouth communicating his understanding of what Lucy wanted. His touch was burning and addictive as it slid under her shirt, fingers greedy and teasing as he cupped her breast and felt the weight of the large globe, no barrier between their skin as Lucy had discarded her bra hours ago.

Lucy hummed his name as he began to kiss along her neck, cool metal of his piercings a relief to her burning skin as they brushed against her. Natsu’s teeth drew a high noise from her throat as they dragged along her pulse, his touch rougher as he pinched one already stiff nipple, other hand cradling the back of her neck as he guided her to how he wanted her. Lucy’s arms snaked around his shoulders, holding onto him as he tasted her skin. Lucy dragged a thigh along the side of his body, moving upwards with slow and purposeful movements before sliding back down, her pointed foot teasing the inside of his own leg as she wrapped herself around him.

“And you call me the pervert,” Natsu chuckled darkly. He settled between her open thighs, Lucy chirping happily at the familiar weight and Natsu’s compliance to her silent wishes, both knowing the other so well words often were no longer needed.

“Because you are,” Lucy hummed happily, brushing the hair from his eyes. She loved how bright they were, his emotions always on his sleeve around her, even if his thoughts weren’t. Now was not one of those times, though, amused heat simmering in his heavy gaze, lips quirked as he looked down at Lucy’s own lightly flushed expression. “But so am I.”

Lucy tugged him down to a kiss sharply, demanding as she thrust her tongue into his mouth and along his, tasting him eagerly. She was done with slow and sweet, Lucy wanted to taste Natsu’s fire, burning and overwhelming and everything she craved. Words were nothing between them, Lucy and Natsu communicating through a trailed hand here and a catch of breath there, their clothes lost as easily as the passage of time around them.

A twinge of pressure and then Lucy’s breath was stolen at the sensation of being filled, Natsu thick and burning and focusing all of Lucy’s thoughts on him as his cock pressed into her. As slow as he kissed her he pushed in, Lucy moaning softly at the lights behind her eyes as his piercing rubbed at her favourite places, Natsu knowing her body better than he knew his own. They moved together, pieces of a puzzle that were always meant to fit in one seamless picture, neither fully complete without the other beside them.

Natsu kept his pace slow and deep as he rocked into her, new waves of pleasure washing over Lucy each time she lifted her hips to meet his, nails clawing at his back and leaving wakes of red behind.

“Fuck Lucy,” Natsu hissed, her hand fisting in his hair making his back arch in pleasure and his thrusts into her roughening at his own fog of lust. She tugged harder, desperate to hear more of his sounds. Lucy followed as he rolled on his side, dragging her with him, her leg curled over his hip and his grip biting into the flesh of her thigh.His other arm fit under her side, hand flat on her back and Lucy arching into his touch and crushing her chest to his. The agony of his touch was beautiful in that Lucy found herself craving more with every brush of his skin against hers and her mind driven wild with the one desperate need.

“Natsu,” Lucy whined against his lips, breath catching before another ‘I love you’ could fall from them, Natsu sealing her mouth with his in a forceful and demanding kiss. Lucy accepted his way of telling her that he felt all that she felt in the moment.

Lucy’s cries grew louder as Natsu’s grunts turned feral, teeth gentle as they latched at the sensitive skin just below her ear on her neck, soft tongue soon lavishing her neck with soothing and lewd licks, the feel of his metal piercing on his tongue making her toes curl as it pushed against her. Lucy tugged Natsu away from her neck, nibbling along his own pulse once it was revealed to her, tracing the way from his collarbone to his ear. Lucy gently tugged on his own double piercing, her lips curling in a soft smile at his low sound of pleasure.

“Do you know what you do to me Luce?” Natsu growled, his voice vibrating in his throat against Lucy’s lips as she trailed wet kisses along his dark skin. They rolled over again, Lucy beneath Natsu as he pinned her arms above her head, hands gentle but firm as they held her wrists to the pillows. Lucy panted up at Natsu, crashing his hips to hers as she tightened her legs around him, desperate to keep any part of their bodies touching that she could. “Fuckin’ drive me wild, Luce,” Natsu said, voice rough with lust and low, but he was so close to Lucy that she heard every word he was saying clearly. “You’re so perfect, Luce, so fuckin’ perfect.”

“I love you,” Lucy gasped, rolling her hips up to his and matching his fast and hard pace.

“God, I love you too Lucy. I love you so fucking much.” Natsu grunted, breath hot over her face and the heat was intoxicating as it consumed her fully. His grip tightened on her wrists, Lucy sighing in erotic pleasure at the tightness and the knowledge of the barely there bruises that would be leftover on her pale and creamy skin tomorrow and the tender kisses that Natsu would lavish her with when he saw them, a sly smirk and a dangerous twinkle in his eyes as he brushed his dry lips over the inside of her wrist.

Lucy’s words were lost in sobs and breathless screams as Natsu drove himself as deep and hard as he could, piercing massaging her spot inside that made her lose all grip on reality, body moving above hers hypnotic as his muscles contracted and stretched under taunt and sweat glistened skin. As he kissed her again Lucy broke, pushed too far to the edge for too long as she watched the man she loved move above her and return the burning passion with his emerald gaze that she knew was in her own.

“Lucy!” Natsu cried, burying his face in her shoulder and grip harsh on her wrists as he came, Lucy shuddering in pleasure as his cock throbbed and pulsed inside her. She felt him fill and coat her inside, inner muscles fluttering in the aftershocks of her orgams around his spent length. He dropped beside her, hands gentle as they released her wrists, tickling her own sticky and sweaty skin as they trailed from her wrists to rest on her ribs.

Lucy giggled again, meeting Natsu’s worn and dopey grin with a bright one of her own. She leaned towards him, brushing his nose with hers and drawing a scratchy chuckle from him at the motion. “I love you,” Natsu rumbled, and Lucy smiled again, unable or wanting to hold back her happiness at her place in their bed and his arms. She slung her leg over his hip as she pushed him onto his back, cuddling into his chest and leaving him stuffed inside her in a lazy desire of staying connected in a way that only he could be with her.

“I love you so much, Natsu,” Lucy mouthed against where his heartbeat thudded against her cheek. Natsu mumbled something that was lost to sleep, his arm snaking around her shoulder and pulling her tight to him, thumbs brushing her skin in soothing circles. Lucy smiled again as she drifted off, catching the final thing Natsu mumbled against her temple before she was lost to her dreams.

“I love you more, Weirdo.”

Lucy opened her eyes, staring up at the black ceiling above her. They drifted from the nothing above her to the clock beside her, desperate to stave off the rush of emotions swelling in her throat for a few seconds longer.

2:12 AM.

Tears broke the glaze that had stolen her vision and Lucy could only curl into herself, sobbing as pain crashed over her. The dream had been perfect , but that’s all it would ever be. A dream. Natsu would never love her or want her like that, she knew she would never mean that to him and the sooner she accepted it the sooner she would stop hurting. Lucy knew that she was important to Natsu, that she would never doubt, but she also needed to get it through her stupid, thick skull that she would never be his everything.

Not like he was to her.

All Lucy would do was ruin what she had with him if she kept allowing herself to want him like that, if she kept allowing herself to be in love with him rather than just loving him. Natsu was too important to lose, and Lucy would be damned if she let something as stupid as her own desires take him from her.

But in that moment, Lucy allowed herself to cry over things she knew would never be hers, and she mourned the loss of things that had only ever been a whisper of hope in the first place. The clock read a red, glaring 3:36 by the time Lucy cried herself to sleep again, still as far away from crushing out her feelings as she had been when she woke up.

[afangirlsmenagerie]

Recovery

A little Eruri drabble inspired by this video and a conversation with @plague-of-insomnia...enjoy! It’s also posted on ao3. ^_^

*~*~*

“Mr. Smith?”

Erwin glanced up from his book toward where the nurse stood by the door.

“Yes?”

“Your husband is in recovery. If you’d like to come with me.”

“Thank you.” he said with a polite smile, ignoring some of the looks of surprise from others in the waiting room as he gathered his and Levi’s things and followed the nurse into the recovery ward.

Some of the tension left Erwin’s shoulders as they passed by rows of closed curtains, behind which other patients waited for their loved ones while they slowly rejoined the land of the conscious. If Levi was here, that meant the surgery had been a success- that he was ok. 

Erwin had tried to hide the worry he had about the procedure as best he could. He didn’t want Levi to have to be concerned with comforting him when he was the one going under the knife. But as soon as they had wheeled Levi out of his line of sight, the dam holding back his anxieties had given way and had spent most of his time pacing the waiting room or walking to the small concession room across the hall. It had only been in the past half hour when he saw Levi’s status switch from “in operation” to “post operation” that he had been able to relax enough to continue reading the book he had brought.

“Hey there, Erwin!” a familiar voice called.

Erwin’s face lit with a warm smile upon seeing Hange standing outside one of the recovery rooms, reviewing the charts.

“It’s alright, Petra, Erwin and I go way back.” They said to the petite nurse who had been Erwin’s guide, “So you can leave him with me.”

“Ok.” she nodded, before leaving the two with a professional, “Have a good day, Mr. Smith.”

Erwin returned her niceties in kind, though the brightness from his smile vanished when he turned his attention back to Hange, instantly replaced with the worry and exhaustion he felt safe showing only around his friend.

“So how is he?” 

As if to answer his question, a low groan sounded from behind the curtain.

Hange chuckled.

“He’s doing fine. The surgery went beautifully. If you want, you can go in and sit with him while he finishes waking up.”

Erwin pulled back the curtain enough to slip into the small room. Levi stirred where he lay, but didn’t open his eyes when Erwin came to sit in the chair beside the hospital bed. 

Once he had gotten situated, the rings of the curtains clinked and Hange stepped inside enough to hand Erwin a bottle of orange juice and a packet of crackers.

“Make sure he eats these when he wakes up.” They whispered, “It’ll help with the nausea.”

He gratefully took the snack with a quiet “Thank you” before Hange disappeared with the promise they would return in a few minutes to check in on things.

Now that they were alone, Erwin turned his full attention to his husband, blue eyes softening as his gaze wandered over the bandages, IV’s, and the ill fitting hospital gown that threatened to slip off Levi’s petite shoulders at any given moment. He couldn’t wait to get him home, where he could properly care for him. Maybe even spoil him if Levi gave him the chance. He’d probably complain the whole time, but his averted gaze and flushed cheeks would betray the hollowness of his objections.

Just then, Levi gave a groggy huff, pulling Erwin from his thoughts. His brows furrowed, heavy eyelids fluttering as they struggled to stay open, and his lips weakly smacked before he managed to hoarsely groan, “So dry.”

Erwin had the lid off the orange juice bottle in an instant, slipping in the small straw Hange had left as well.

“Here.” he soothed, slipping the straw between Levi’s lips, “Drink this.”

Levi’s tongue pressed against the plastic, as if trying to figure out what was in his mouth. Though his eyebrows lifted in recognition a few moments later and he began to drink, swallowing down mouthfuls at a time.

It wasn’t until he had guzzled down half the container that he stopped and rested his head back on the pillow with a contented sigh. 

“Better?” Erwin asked with a grin.

Levi nodded slowly and hummed in agreement.

Now that he was starting to show signs that he was getting closer to full consciousness, Erwin quickly split open the cracker’s packaging, the clear plastic crinkling loudly when he pulled one of the crackers out and slipped it into Levi’s open palm.

“Hm?” Levi mumbled, his eyebrows scrunching in question before bringing the cracker a little too close to his face for inspection.

“Do you think you can eat this?” 

Erwin bit his lip to keep from laughing when Levi gave another languid nod before taking a bite. His grey eyes remained focused on the curtain at the front of the room and chewed slowly, as if lost in some deep, pensive thought. 

He seemed to pull himself from whatever had his mind preoccupied when he popped the second half in his mouth, turning his attention to Erwin, who had been patiently waiting in contented amusement. He had never seen him like this, not even on the few occasions when they’d gotten completely hammered back in college.

The moment his gaze rested on Erwin, however, he halted mid chew, his eyes going wide.

“Who are you?” He asked in wonder.

Erwin chuckled at the bits of cracker that fell from his lips. “What do you-?” He began, but Levi cut him off with another pressing question.

“Did the nurses send you?”

“What? No.” Erwin said, struggling to contain his laughter, handing him another cracker. “Here, this will help you feel better.”

Levi’s gaze never left Erwin as he took a small bite, his mind clearly trying to place how he knew him. 

“Damn, you’re hot.” He mumbled, pausing briefly before motioning toward Erwin with the cracker, “Are you sure the nurses didn’t send you?”

Erwin nodded, humor lacing his voice. “I’m sure, Levi.”

“How the hell do you know my name?”

Erwin chucked again.

“I’m your husband.”

As soon as the word “husband” passed his lips, Levi’s eyes went comically wide. 

“You’re my husband?” He asked, almost in disbelief and sank back against the mattress, his gaze focusing on the ceiling, whispering, “Holy shit, I’m married to the sexiest man on the planet.”

Erwin laughed softly at the blush that had begun to spread across Levi’s cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

Levi blinked up at the tiled ceiling for a few moments, seemingly to absorb this “new” information, before turning back to him.

“How long?”

“How long, what?”

“How long have we been married?”

Erwin smiled tenderly.

“A long time.”

The corners of Levi’s lips twitched with fondness. 

“Do we have any kids?”

“No,” Erwin answered, gently taking Levi’s hand in his own, “We had to get you better first.”

“Oh.”

Levi’s attention drifted down to watch Erwin rub his thumb comfortingly against the side of his hand, falling silent for a couple of minutes.

“So we’re really married?” Was the question that finally broke his silence.

Erwin gave Levi’s hand a squeeze.

“Yes.”

The grey of Levi’s eyes softened like mercury, a rarely seen affection in his gaze before he said, “I must be one lucky fucker to have landed a man like you.” 

At that, Erwin brought Levi’s hand up and pressed his lips firmly against the soft flesh, his heart swelling at his words.

“I feel the same.” He whispered, pressing the palm of Levi’s hand against his cheek.

As blue met grey, the first hint of clarity twinkled in Levi’s gaze before he moved to rest his hand on the back of Erwin’s head. 

Erwin leaned in, allowing Levi to guide him with his feeble grip. His heart ached as his lips pressed against Levi’s, the heat and plush feel of them so familiar yet new somehow. 

“Awww!” A loud cry sounded from behind them, shattering the tender moment.

Both Levi and Erwin jerked away from each other, their attention snapping to the culprit- Hange standing at the foot of Levi’s bed with a cell phone held up in their hands.

“Hange?!” Levi started, “What the hell?” 

Hange poked their lip out with a pout, “I couldn’t help it. You two are just too cute!”

Both men’s gazes flitted from the shit-eating grin on their friend’s face to their phone and back several times, Levi’s face settling into a look of panicked horror, while Erwin’s expression was nothing but hopeful.

“Don’t tell me…,” Levi murmured.

“You recorded that, didn’t you?” asked Erwin.

“Yup,” Hange answered, puffing out their chest, “Got the whole thing.”

“Why you!” Levi snarled, “If you don’t delete that right now, I’m going to snap that phone in half as soon as I can walk.”

Erwin placed a staying hand on his husband’s shoulder, rubbing soothing circles to ease the tension that had already begun to coil there. 

“Actually, could you send it to me?” 

Levi’s attention turned to Erwin, betrayal in his gaze.

“Don’t tell me you’re on their side?”

“Come now, Levi.” Erwin cooed, flashing him a coy smile, “It’s not often that I get treated to this side of you. Think of it as a sentimental keepsake.”

Levi’s gaze narrowed to a scowl, a sharp comeback clearly on his tongue. However, a few moments later, his shoulders slumped and he gave a dejected huff.

“Fine.”

“Well, since I don’t have to fear for my life anymore,” Hange said, stepping over to the other side of the bed to shut off the IV, “Let’s work on getting you checked out.”

As Hange set to disconnecting the monitors and IV, Levi gave Erwin’s hand a firm squeeze.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, the tenderness from a moment ago shining in his eyes once more, an expression that was and would only ever be reserved for Erwin, “Let’s go home.”

[always-and-forever-a-killjoy]

Good morning fuckers, after a brief fluffy break, I’m back on my angsty bullshit. This time, I’m tormenting...guess who...

Yeah, it’s Cherri Cola. 

Anyways! Please pay careful attention to the warnings this time, this is incredibly dark and I want you all to be safe. Also Newsie and him have a sibling dynamic because fuck you (no, really because I want fun sibling dynamics.)

Title: all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Wordcount: 2910

Summary: Cherri Cola has seen too much to want to survive this world. Luckily for him, his family wants him to live, and so do a snarky bird deity and a trio of teenagers.

Aka the story of how Cherri Cola met the Fabulous Four before there were even four of them, and learned a few valuable lessons along the way. 

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, a suicide attempt, hospitals, blood, flashbacks, self-harm, injury, mentions of addiction, (very brief) mentions of needles.

Taglist: @wishiwasthemoon-tonight @sleevesareforlosers @stressed-depressed-emo-mess @tasteofamnesia (message me, send an ask, or reblog/reply to one of my posts if you want to be added or removed)

AO3 Link

(Actual fic under the cut)

Cherri Cola stared at the door of the radio station, hyperaware of the sunlight that filtered through the cracks even as he tuned out the rest of the world, slumped on the floor of the station. Darkness, it was always darkness. He was always trapped in the dark somehow. But the sunlight was worse. Sunlight was worse. 

He didn’t know who or what he was trying to convince as his nails sunk into his arms. It felt like suffocating; the darkness was endless and filled with thorns that kept him in. The memories never left and the deeds he had done could never be paid for. Not if he lived a hundred years or a thousand. He didn’t deserve to live that long anyways.

He stared at the door, the faint beams of sunlight filtering around the edges. Maybe he should get up and walk out that door. Let the sunlight take him, see how long it took him to die in the desert heat. Maybe he didn’t deserve to live at all.

No. You promised D you wouldn’t. He ranked his nails down his arms, digging deeply enough to leave welts. You. Promised. A promise was a promise. He couldn’t leave Dr. Death Defying. He couldn’t leave NewsAGoGo.

Cherri didn’t realize how deeply he had been digging his nails until the scratches on his wrists started to bleed. Blood. It always came back to blood, didn’t it? Blood of someone he had called sister, pooling around her as he sobbed. Blood of his friends, lying too still on the battlefield and in the sand and on beds in the hospital in Zone 2. Blood of the dracs he had killed, splattered all over him. His own blood, running down his forearms and coating his hands just like the blood of all the innocents who fell to his ray gun.

Suddenly filled with a new surge of energy, he climbed to his feet. Almost mechanically, he went through the motions of putting the poem he had been working on before this all away, knowing how much it bothered D when he left his poetry everywhere. It took longer than it normally would have, his movements slowed by the pain on his wrists and his general lethargy, but it felt like only a second before everything was neatly stowed away.

Cherri Cola looked at the door, squared his shoulders, and walked out into the light.

He walked. And walked. And walked and walked. (And walked.) To his surprise, the sunlight didn’t promise relief like it had always seemed to. All it promised was a harsh death.

Not that Cherri minded that much either. 

He lost track of the hours, lost track of the days after far too little. There was no change in the landscape, not once he got far enough that the radio station was out of sight. The sunlight never seemed to let up, only briefly pausing while he slept. Summertime was the worst time of the year in the desert, it was universally agreed, but the only difference it made to him was more hours of daylight. More scorching sun as his throat grew dry and the desert started to warp around him. Heatstroke, he had the capacity to think still, even as he staggered and fell. Well, this is the end.

He wondered if the Phoenix Witch would come to claim him. Probably not, unless someone put his mask in the mailbox. He knew Newsie knew where it was; she was the only one who knew where his mask and ray gun were stashed. Newsie. His mind could conjure up all too vividly the image of his friend holding the pink mask in her hands, placing it in the mailbox with a whisper of a prayer. Would Newsie cry for him? A tiny, selfish part of him hoped so, hoped he would be missed, but the logical, ruthless side of his mind pointed out that he was just…Cola. Just an old wavehead who could never escape his own mind. A killer, a Ritalin rat, nothing but a worthless excuse for a sibling and a friend. That part hoped Newsie wouldn’t shed a tear. He didn’t deserve her grief. He had abandoned her.

He had abandoned her. Newsie had been almost more of a sister to Cherri than the one he had fought on the battlefields of the Analog Wars, and he had abandoned her. He had left her just like his older sibling had left him, all those many years ago. He was as bad- no, he was worse. His sister had never had a choice. Better Living Industries had taken her and turned her into a weapon, and it had never been her choice at all. It had always been his choice. It had been his choice to fight, to kill and maim and seek vengeance at all costs, his choice to turn to the relief of sunlight and run from what plagued him, and now his choice to leave behind the people he loved.

Cherri scrabbled at the sand, suddenly filled with renewed determination. He owned it to Newsie to try and get back alive, at the very least. He couldn’t just lay here. He had to go, go home to the people he had grown to love.

Getting up didn’t seem to be an option, the shifting sand throwing off what little balance he had and easily overwhelming his spent muscles. Crawling wasn’t any better, that took strength that he didn’t have any longer. So he reached out a hand and inched himself along, slowly and painfully rolling what he thought was back the way he came.

He hardly made it two feet before he collapsed fully again, unable to move himself another inch. No! Get home, I have to get home- 

His eyes fell on taloned(??) feet as he lay in the scorching sand, and he looked up to see a crow-like figure almost crouched above him, tilting her head further than any human should be able to. The Phoenix Witch?

“Am- am I dead?” He croaked.

“Not yet.” His heart surged in hope, despite his earlier wishes, only to be squashed again by her next words. “You’re dying, though.”

“No! I can’t- I- Newsie.”

The Witch’s smile was not kind. “Why are you so upset, huh? Isn’t this what you wanted? Or,” she went on mercilessly, “have you realized there is a point to staying alive after all?”

Cherri shoved down his pride. “There’s a point and-“ he coughed, sand getting into his mouth. “-that point is my sister.”

“Your sister is dead, hon.” She let out a small cackle of amusement as he tried to speak again, finding it even harder than before. “I know who you meant, Cherri Cola. And I know exactly where she is right now, and what she’s doing.”

“What- what is she-“

“Looking for you, sugar. They all are. You’ve got the radio crew in a stir, as people say, all ‘cause you couldn’t blow your brains out like a normal person. Lucky for you though, and them, seeing as you’re not dead yet.”

“Well I’m not dying. Not-“ cough “-not until I can see my sister again.”

“You’ll see one of your sisters if you’re dead,” The Phoenix Witch shrugged.

“I’m still-“ cough “-not dying.”

“Stubborn one, aren’t you? Especially for someone who didn’t care if he lived or not just hours ago.” She tapped him on the forehead. “I’ll let you in on a secret, Cherri Cola. You don’t want to die. You want to not be in pain any longer. And to you, those seem like the same thing. But this isn’t the only route out of your grief, and it’s certainly not a painless one for the people around you. They care, you know.”

“Really?”

“Of course they do. Dumbass. NewsAGoGo cried when she realized you were gone, and so did your beloved Dr. Death Defying. They’ll be hurt worse once they realize you really are dead.”

Guilt swirled in his stomach. “I’m not dead. And-“ cough “-I’m not going to be.”

“Honey, you’re on death’s doorstep. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to see me.” She seemed to take pity on him, kneeling next to him and brushing some of the sand away so he could speak better. “I’ll make you a deal, though, a one-time sort of offer. I won’t take you yet, and I’ll make sure you live, on one condition: you have to give me something.”

“What?”

“Anything. I want something that means something to you, though. A piece of your soul, as it were.”

It took him a moment, but “Would a bracelet do?”

“Only if it means something to you.”

“Newsie made it for me.”

She seemed to consider his offer for a moment before swiping the bracelet from his wrist. “Very well, Cherri Cola. Enjoy however many more years of life this will buy you.”

The last thing he saw was a swirl of crow feathers before the world went dark.

-

He woke up briefly who knew how long later to a redhead teen leaning over him, tilting their head. 

“Nah, I think he’s dead, Jet.”

“He looks pretty dead to me.”

“No, shh, Kobes, Party. I swear I saw him move.”

“Nah, he’s gotta be dead.”

“I swear! He was moving, and look, I think he’s breathing!”

Cherri did his best to move his head and hoped they caught on, but even that small movement sent a surge of dizziness through him, and he blacked out again before he could hear any more of the teenagers’ conversation.

-

When he woke up for the second time, he was lying on a somewhat uncomfortable bed in a room he had never seen before, and everything on his entire body hurt. There was an IV stabbed into his arm, and his forearms were neatly bandaged, which made him think this must be a hospital. It certainly wasn’t the radio station.

The person who poked his head into the room a few minutes later confirmed Cherri’s suspicions, as he was quite clearly a medic. “Oh, you’re awake!”

Cherri managed a tired nod as the medic came fully into the room.

“How are you feeling?”

“In a fair bit of pain, but I’ll live.”

“Hmm. Anything in particular, or no?”

Cherri shook his head, and the medic offered a grin. 

“You’re not going to be having a great time of it, sorry about that. Almost dying of heatstroke will do that to you. You’re pretty lucky your friends got you here in time. Oh, and I’m Max, by the way. Your name is?”

“Cherri Cola. My friends brought me in?”

“Well, I’m assuming they’re your friends, anyways. Redhead kid with a smirk like the devil, tall blond kid, and that guy with a really nice smile?” Cherri was reasonably certain he had never met those kids in his life. “No?”

“Huh. Well, anyways, I’ll send them in once I finish my checks, they might be able to explain more than I can.”

True to Max’s word, a few minutes later, a redhead with a smirk like the devil, a tall blond kid, and a brown-haired kid with a friendly smile walked in.

He felt like he should probably say hello or something, but the redhead spoke before he could. “So who the fuck are you, anyways?”

“That’s a good question. Haven’t quite worked out the answer to that one yet, but my name is Cherri Cola if that’s what you’re asking. He/him.”

“Fucking fantastic. So we picked up a random stranger and waited at the hospital for him to wake up.”

The tallest one, the one with a friendly smile, sighed. “Sorry about Poison, they’re mad that the medics made us wait here because there would be no one else to visit you and pick you up when you were healed. I’m Jet Star, by the way. They/them or he/him.”

“Kobra Kid,” The blonde said. “He/him.”

“And I’m Party Poison,” declared the one who had demanded to know who Cherri was. “They/them.”

“Well, uh, nice to meet you. Thank you for taking me to the hospital, I suppose.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, not even us would leave some guy lying there.”

“We almost did, but that’s because we thought you were dead,” Kobra Kid chimed in. He bore a distinct resemblance to Party Poison, both in face and voice, and Cherri was starting to wonder if they were related.

He shook that thought off, trying to focus on what was most important right now. “How long until I can leave the hospital?”

Jet Star was the one to answer that. “Probably another two days or so, you were in pretty bad shape from what I hear.”

“And you’re going to have some badass scars, apparently,” Kobra Kid agreed.

“And do my friends know I’m here?”

Party Poison snorted. “How should we know? We don’t even know who your friends are.”

“D and Newsie- sorry, Dr. Death Defying and NewsAGoGo?”

“Radio DJs, right? We know of them, but we’ve got no real way to contact them,” Party Poison told him.

“We can drive you where you need to go, though, once they release you,” Jet Star offered kindly. 

“That would be great, thank you guys so much.” 

-

So two days later, Cherri Cola was being bustled into the back of an old trans am by three teenagers. Party Poison was driving, and Kobra Kid had claimed shotgun, leaving Jet Star to sit in the back with Cherri. He didn’t mind that, as they seemed the most friendly. He even found himself chatting a bit with them as the siblings (turned out they were, in fact, related) laughed and debated in the front.

“So how long have you been out here?” Cherri asked. That tended to be a fairly safe question- killjoys didn’t talk about their past in Battery City, typically, but how long someone had been out in the Zones was a much safer topic.

“Maybe…fifteen years? I was born out here,” Jet Star explained. “So I don’t quite know, but I think I’m fifteen or sixteen.”

“Ah.” He felt rather old, suddenly. “I’ve been out here since soon after the Helium Wars ended.”

“Wow,” Jet breathed. “You must have seen a lot.”

Cherri stared at the scars on his hands. “Yeah.”

Jet’s hands were nearly equally scarred, although not the same wavehead scars, as they reached out a hand in understanding. “The Zones aren’t always kind.”

He offered them a wane smile. “No, they’re not.”

That was the end of their conversation, as at that moment, the car screeched to a stop in front of the radio station. 

Party Poison hopped out of the drivers seat and knocked loudly on the door as the rest followed behind.

Said door was opened by Show Pony, looking mildly frazzled. “Hey, sugar! Whatcha need?”

“I think we’ve got your friend.”

Ey looked puzzled for a second, and then eir gaze fell on Cherri, standing behind Party Poison with Jet and Kobra Kid. “Cola! Holy- Destroya, Cola!” Ey pushed past the red-haired teen with ease, skating down to throw eir arms around him. “We thought you’d gotten yourself dusted!”

“Not dusted, I’m afraid,” Cherri mumbled.

“Well, good!” Ey turned to holler back into the radio station. “Newsie! Dr. D! Get out here!”

Newsie’s hurried footsteps echoed from within the radio station, and Cherri’s words stuck in his throat as she froze in the doorway. 

“Hey,” He managed.

“Cherri FUCKING Cola, you complete and utter BASTARD!” 

He winced as Newise hugged him tightly, still swearing at him. “You fucker, you little dipshit, you absolute dumbass, we thought you were dead! We thought you were fucking dead, fuckwad!”

“I’m sorry, Newsie.”

“You better fucking be! Rat bastard!”

That was when Dr. Death Defying arrived, with a lot less swearing and fierce hugging, but certainly some scolding. “You scared all of us half to death, Cherri.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“He was half to death too, but of heatstroke, not of fright,” Kobra Kid contributed (very unhelpfully, in Cherri’s opinion).

“That doesn’t make me feel any fucking better,” Newsie muttered.

“Also, infection and dehydration,” Party Poison added.

Cherri sighed. “Not helping, guys.”

“Who are these fine ‘joys?” Pony asked.

“The Terrific Trio!” Jet cheered. “Well, the name is a work in progress. I’m Jet Star. He/him and they/them.”

“Party Poison. They/them. And I’m in charge.”

Kobra Kid snorted. “Kobra Kid. He/him.”

“They saved my life,” Cherri chimed in.

D offered the three young killjoys a warm smile. “Well, we’re very glad you did. I’m Dr. Death Defying, he/him.”

“NewsAGoGo, she/they.”

“An’ I’m Show Pony. Ey/em.”

Eventually, they all headed inside the radio station, where the trio was given some power pup for their trouble, and Cherri was given a lot of lectures and hugging for his. He would have a lot of explaining to do later, he knew, but he preferred to wait as long as possible to see the worry and fear on his friend’s faces. So just for tonight, he was going to revel in the fact that he was alive and here with his friends. That was the most important thing.

Cherri glanced down at his wrist, which felt strangely empty despite the bandages covering it, and smiled quietly to himself. “Hey, Newsie, what do you think about making another bracelet?”

[crystalinn]

I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video): 

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover. 

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours. 

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first. 

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.” 

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night. 

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go. 

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th. 

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly. 

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb. 

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit. 

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot. 

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those. 

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

[todays-jeremy-heere]

Recap Post

So I’ve had a couple requests for what the fuck has happened so far from newer people to our dandy set of blogs, here it is! Keep in mind this is all mostly improv so if it’s a bit all over the place then oops lol rip. (Older people and other today blogs, feel free to yell at me if I miss anything.) 

NOW INCLUDING LINKS TO CERTAIN IMPORTANT THREADS

The three not main characters in the bmc group are:

Madeline, Thalia (George’s character from Smartphone Hour), and Dustin Kropp

Let’s start at the beginning, a very good place to start :)

So the first activity of these blogs is nothing special, just silly conversations, teasing each other, and because no one is together yet, flirting. But eventually, people pair up so those people are...

Brooke x Rich, Michael x Jake and Dustin x Jeremy

Thalia asks Jeremy and Mr Heere if she can move into their house because she has an abusive father she wants to get away from, they say yes and now she lives with them. Sometime after this Thalia pairs up with Madeline. 

Jake and Chloe keep having childish arguments because they are both still salty about thier past relationships. Jake brings up how Chloe sexually assaulted Jeremy at the Halloween party last year. Tension happens between Chloe and Jeremy where they both think the other hates them.

After a bit Thalia and Madeline break up, this causes Thalia to spiral and she gets a Squip. She is very clearly not ok and whenever anyone tries to reason with her she says she doesn’t need help because she’s perfect. Then, of course, it goes wrong because it always does and she starts threatening to murder Jeremy, whenever Dustin tries to scare her off she does the same to him. There’s a massive completely improvised fight scene at Jeremy’s house (we were all freaking out on the mod discord lol), in which Chloe gets a concussion, Rich nearly gets murdered and Thalia tries to force feed Jeremy Mountain Dew Green...

When everyone wakes up the next day you have some cute shipping junk between some of the couples since their SO was nearly killed. Chloe and Jeremy realise they both don’t hate each other because they actually TALK TO EACH OTHER TO FIGURE SHIT OUT.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Madeline have clear romantic chemistry and everyone can see it but them, they ‘fake’ flirt and go on ‘fake’ dates while saying ‘I cAn’T POsSibLY sEE HoW ShE cOUld LIkE mE’. It’s cute, we all love it.

But it goes wrong when Chloe says that Madeline should keep some distance from her because she’s scared of whatever’s going on between them and that obviously hurts Madeline because they have become really close friends since the blogs started. Madeline spirals like Thalia did and gets a squip, but this time only Chloe is there to help her. Dustin was going to help but Jeremy keeps saying that he can’t go and he’s scared and he doesn’t want ‘this’ so being a good boyfriend, Dustin tries to help him. Jeremy just tells him there’s nothing wrong and Dustin should go help, Chloe. Dustin doesn’t like being left in the dark so he goes (unhappily) but he doesn't get there in time to help Chloe (I SWEAR THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER, https://todays-jeremy-heere.tumblr.com/post/179026525980/jeremy-whats-going-on-why-are-people-saying-i). So Chloe and Madeline have a fight scene and Squip!Madeline loses. (https://todays-chloe-valentine.tumblr.com/post/179030653474/listen-up-you-tic-tac-bitch-chloe)

When Maddie is in the hospital with her you get some really cute lesbian time with Chloe talking to a sleeping Madeline and what not its cute. https://todays-chloe-valentine.tumblr.com/post/179068636659/14102018

Eventually, the two of them (FINALLY) get together <3

Meanwhile, Jeremy’s mental state is getting obviously worse (posts with crossed out text, talking to ‘himself’, stuttering more, ect ect.) but whenever anyone tries to see what’s wrong he gets very defensive to the point of being kinda rude.

Dustin tries to get him to open up one final time, Jeremy says some stuff he shouldn’t have and Dustin breaks up with him, https://todays-jeremy-heere.tumblr.com/post/179194061640/101818 (Note, Dustin was completely justified and not an asshole, Jeremy was hurting both of them. https://todays-dustin-kropp.tumblr.com/post/179194994713/seriously) This sends both of them into a bad place where Dustin is pretty empty and Jeremy is panicky and defensive (and it's very obvious his squip has reactivated, https://todays-jeremy-heere.tumblr.com/post/179216021025/this-is-your-fault-n-no-he-deserves-better-than ).

Chloe and Dustin are good friends so she and him help each other out with their shit its sweet.

Whenever people try to help Jeremy he lashes out and gets very defensive. It’s very obvious at this point that during the fight with Thalia he was squipped, he talks to himself and flinches at nothing, but whenever anyone accuses him of that he adamantly denies it. He refuses to drink mountain dew red.

Chloe tries to talk to him but he yells at her and when she calls him out he starts stuttering an apology and she goes ‘Jesus stop stuttering like that.' This is the wrong thing to say to someone who spent almost a year of their life shocked whenever the speech impediment that they cannot control showed itself. Jeremy gets fucking pissed, obviously. (https://todays-jeremy-heere.tumblr.com/post/179285070845/hey-uh-ive-checked-up-on-dustin-but-how)

Madeline sends him a ‘not so friendly suggestion’ to not shout at her girlfriend. When Jeremy says how she commented on his stuttering Madeline mocks him with a fake stutter and is no help whatsoever. She says she’s sorry that they care enough to ask him what’s wrong. Jeremy has asked multiple times that they treat him like they usually do, even when he’s going through a bad time because he wants one constant thing so he says ‘If you cared about me you’d leave me alone.’ (https://todays-madeline-monroe.tumblr.com/post/179286238797/hey-unfriendly-demand-dont-fucking-yell-at-my)

Jeremy gets worse, anons try giving him an intervention, doesn't work. Chloe tries apologizing but she accidentally makes Jeremy have a mental breakdown which is always fun.

Meanwhile, Thalia finds out that a guy from her English and PE classes got her pregnant. Her mum also died, Chloe is very supportive to her and lends her a dress for the funeral. She generally isn’t having a very good time right now but everyone she knows is being so nice to her and she’s very grateful. (https://todays-thalia-mcarthy.tumblr.com/post/179404119923/hey-i-need-to-borrow-a-dress-for-my-mothers)

In preparation for Jake’s party, Dustin lets Jake know that he’s allergic to red food dye so that it isn’t in any of the food and Dustin doesn’t need to go to the HOSPITAL.

Jeremy and Chloe made up, Jeremy apologises for yelling and Chloe apologises for commenting on his stutter. They end up hugging and Chloe lets him know that even though he wants to be left alone she’s still there for him, when Jeremy starts replying with an explanation of why he can't really talk about it his squip shocks him. Rather than freaking out Chloe calmly deals with it and Jeremy indirectly confirms that he does indeed have a squip. They establish a code so that they can talk about it, green = its talking, yellow = it shocked me, and red = help. Madeline (who acted a lot worse) still hasn’t apologised and Jeremy is still mad at her. This is the post where this goes down >>> (https://todays-chloe-valentine.tumblr.com/post/179403825299/h-hey-i-im-sorry-for-s-shouting-at-you)

Chloe finally gets Dustin to open up about how he’s feeling because up until this point Dustin has just been taking care of everyone but himself. Dustin accidentally implies he’s a murderer to get Chloe to not call him an ‘egg’ but they resolve it. He isn't a murderer (probably). Chloe is everyone’s mother. (https://todays-chloe-valentine.tumblr.com/post/179437193524/someones-been-anonymously-flirting-with-your-ex)

Chloe encourages Dustin to talk to Jeremy and sort their shit out but it goes wrong when Dustin kisses Jeremy twice and Jeremy, who did not consent to that, yeets outta there because he was not ready to do anything like that with Dust bin again and he goes to Chloe’s house and he is obviously upset and he says he feels ‘gross’.

Chloe mother is having none of that shit so she goes to yell at Dustin, she told him to talk to jeremy not to kiss him. Chloe is very mad and not thinking straight (me neither chlo) so she kisses him to try and do a tase of your own medicine type thing but Dustin is just like ‘ew im gay’. Everyone is annoyed at Chloe for this because WHAT THE FUCK CHLOE DO NOT KISS A GAY GUY WHEN YOU ARE A GIRL ESPECIALLY WITHOUT CONSENT.

Madeline, her gf, says that she is terrified of how easily Chloe can hurt people like that and she breaks up with Chloe.

So now Chloe is kinda spiraling but she doesnt get a squip because she’s not AN IDIOT.

Jeremy and Dustin kinda make up, Dustin is obviously extremely sorry and Jeremy gets the circumstances and is way too forgiving in general but yeah. It’s unspoken that they are ok with eachother but they boht kinda silently agree to forget that ever happened and to move past it.

Thalia in general isn’t very mentally ok and she tries to kill herself by jumping off a bridge but Dustin saves her.

AND THAT’S WHERE WE ARE NOW FUCKERS HAVE A NICE DAY.

[braindamageforbeginners]

Intent/The First 120 Hours

Cycle 8, Day 11

Everyone always wants to know what chemo (technically maintenance chemo) is like, and I try to give an accurate portrayal, However, the truth is, even with the lighter touch and my new Hunter S. Thompson drug-fueled lifestyle (actually, after reading “Gonzo Girl,” even at my most heavily-medicated, I’m not in the same league), you’ll feel physically and mentally funky (and there’s always that nasty injection site pain from the Marizomib). The good news is, with Marizomib, fatigue is the most-noted downside (I wrote about that previously, but fatigue, I’ve learned, isn’t really exhaustion, it’s when consciousness is painful), so I usually get a full night’s sleep. Thanks to a quasi-legal medical substance, the chemo hangover is cut down significantly, and you wake up feeling, almost too good. So, yeah, in my false sense of recovery, I did push myself a little too hard and sprain something in the bad leg, so I'm spending today on the couch, thanks to that nasty rubbery leg of mine. I try to keep active and fit, but it isn't always a reasonable goal. So, today; rest; tomorrow, more-achievable goals, like going up and down stairs without a deathgrip on the rail.

Anyway, the point of this writing project is to provide some sort of useful data in an easily-digested form, so I thought I’d give a few pointers on surviving the first 120 hours after a terminal (we'll discuss it) cancer diagnosis (with the warning that it’s from my perspective, but what works for me may well be fatal for you; use your own judgment). I’m not talking about self-care or organizing your prescriptions - that’s later in the process. I’m going to tell you what I wish I’d known to survive the first four or five days after the diagnosis (non-medically). This is about how to subtly shift your thinking from "I'm gonna die" to "I'm going to scream into the gates of the Underworld like I own that fucker," which, based on personal experience, might be the necessary attitude to putting off that particular scenario.

1. Do what you need to do, emotionally. One of the shittier things able-bodied people do to new cancer patients is tell them to buck up, or be positive. Folks, if this goes South, I will experience cachexia. Most survivors are sterilized and have long-term health issues related to treatment. You wouldn’t tell someone who’s about to march into the jaws of hell to smile, especially if they’ve just had a seizure or are in pain. If you have to drink a bottle of whisky and drunkenly call an ex, now’s the time, you might not get it later. I think I spent a day dry heaving and lying in bed before I really came to my senses. Do what you have to, but do it quickly because you are now on the clock.

2. Find appropriate help. Just as not all cancers are created  equal, not all doctors are created equal. Again, according to Briish stastics, “medical misadvenure” is the third leading cause of death. Having said that, even though I insist on the very best for my glioblastoma, that’s because there isn’t much of a middle ground between “survivor” and “dead” with that. If I get lung cancer or colon cancer, I may not be quite as picky. I’ve talked previously about finding good oncologists, and, as recently noted, they’re usually not motivated by money. And be creative in where you get information; two friends from the Mesozoic contacted me to ask for help with their parents who have glioblastoma. It seemed odd to me that I’d be asked about, especially since one of these friends is a practicing physician. I try to give everyone accurate, well-researched advice, and I hope I did then, but it still feels like there’s somehing wrong in the universe when I’m somewhat knowledgeable about how to handle a crisis. We’ll ignore the self-contained, Zen koan-like irony of that statement in a guide to what to do.

3. Find new friends/join a support group. I don’t know if it’s just brain cancer patients - I don't know if it's just brain cancer patients or all cancer patients, but your previous support group (or key members of it) will be conspicuous in their absence. In my case (and another person I've read of), I heard back from a bunch of random people I literally hadn't heard from in decades (in a few cases). I get an awful lot of passing privilege, but, so far, any time I've dropped the "C" word - it's immediately changed the nature of our interactions. So far, overwhelmingly, people have been kind, or positive, which is great, but it does get grating after a while that any time the phrase "and what do you do?" comes around, there's a stilted shift. You know who absolutely could not give less of a shit about your new medical label (unless you're having a seizure)? Other cancer survivors and patients.  And - bonus - they'll actually be able to give you far more accurate and up-to-date info on your disease and/or financial or social resources that might now be at your disposal than I know about. I'm indebted to my old friends from the Mesozoic who showed up to cheer me on in my hour of need (extra kudos to Laura and Julie), but I owe an unrepayable number of favors to the Leukemia Kids (okay, that's the Young Cancer Support Group, but most cancer patients under 40 are lymphoma or leukemia patients/survivors, hence my name)(sorry if you guys don't like it, I'll think of a better one ASAP) who helped me get past that (sort of, I still need all the help I can get). I did not do that, but, in retrospect, it was a massive mistake I didn’t.

4. Prepare for drama - your life is about to become a bad Lifetime Television Special, and it does affect different people in different ways - I know one brain cancer survivor whose husband left her  - and you’re going to be doing this while experiencing an amount of fear you’d previously been unable to imagine; the full 31 flavors.  You will be - initially - completely overwhelmed by terror. I'd recommend seeing a shrink (I do); all the prescription pads will come out for this one. The bad news is, even if you beat this thing, you don't ever really get over it. I've talked to late-stage breast cancer survivors who say the same thing; even after years of clean scans, the anxiety and fear never fully leaves (it certainly hasn't for me, though, but I'm not even a year out of a five-year deal).

5. know the difference between terminal, incurable, chronic and fatal. I remember which step on the stairway I was on - the third or fourth - when Mad Scientist told me those six words, over the phone (I was traveling at the time), "I'm so sorry, it's stage IV." The world swung, because I suddenly knew not only that I would die soon, but exactly how (that's a really horrifying thing to consider, I wrote one of my fist essays - posted around here, somewhere - to try and capture that sensation). Fatal diseases are like a car crash - they'll kill you. Terminal illnesses are defined by Wikipedia (and I like their definition, since the traditional definition has involved how, subjectively, soon/quick the disease is likely to kill you) as, "an incurable disease that cannot be adequately treated and is reasonably expected to result in the death of the patient." You'll note a lot of weasel words in there that make this nice, elastic definition my favorite, but the phrase I like to hang on is, "adequately treated." Chronic diseases are the ones that last three or more months (or something like that; I did take an intro pathophysiology class that involved knowing the instructor's definition of "acute" and "chronic"). Chronic cancers - like mine and a lot of recurrent leukemias - are ones that require five consecutive years without metastasis or recurrence before you're declared "cured." It's telling of the quality of my medical team that, as far as I know, none of them have ever said the words "fatal" or "terminal" in my presence.  Instead, I've been given a series of treatments that really suck (check this blog for any examples you'd like), but, I'd so far rate as "adequate" in that they've kept the disease at bay (for those of you working out, step-by-step along with me how to save yourself or a loved one, that statistic is progression-free survival. I'd imagine, based on how a new immunotherapy has gotten to round 3 just in the nine months I've been in treatment (technically, treatment ended back in February, I'm in "maintenance chemotherapy," but since I have to be in the infusion center every Tuesday, and I have to remain wary of potential problems/side-effects/etc. it's just easier to think of myself as still being in chemo). And most cancers are, technically, incurable. We might have a definitive treatment of some sort, but since it's ultimately caused by damaged DNA, and we can't repair or zap every single rogue cell in your body, most are just genetic time bombs. And, since I've survived the first tumor, a lot of medicine seems to have swung back to reclassify a lot of very treatable (but not curable, apparantly) as either chronic or having that potential. I like to use the idea/metaphor I saw another science writer use; it's like heart disease or diabetes; it'll take a lifetime of management and monitoring,  but it may not, necessarily kill you. In other words, you've received a helluva strong first blow, but, even with the gravest prognosis, you might be around for a longer struggle (and time) than you'd thought.

6. Use statistics as guidelines, not rules. This was a big one for me. And it doesn't mean you shouldn't use statistics, or automatically dispute them, but realizing the GBM median life expectancy included both 20-year-olds and 90-year-olds who dropped dead of heart attack and people who refused (or were not candidates) for other treatment. Again, there's a lot of luck involved in this, at every single point, but you can - mentally and physically - prepare for pain, or  hardship, or potential heart problems (and react and treat such things). You can't really prepare for cancer recurring or metastasizing, apart from writing your own eulogy (which, come to it, I suppose this is a part of).

7. Decide right now if you want to live or go gentle into that good night - This is far, far more important than you might think, because both the medical industrial complex, your disease, and the basic, horrible logistics of this situation are going to be beyond exhausting. There's a lot of luck here, but, from minute 1, I have had one thing going for me:  complete, near-psychotic commitment to actually staying alive.  And that's what it'll take (sadly, in more than a few cases, much, much more will be required).  You're going to have to charm, cheer, cajole, finagle, and, in some cases, con people like there won't be any consequences, because, if you're unsuccessful, there won't be. And this will give you the required attitude to deal with some of the higher-ups you'll meet in medicine (and scream at them, if necessary).  Again, full honors to all my various clinicians and support staff over the years who have never made me feel trapped or impotent by my immediate sitaution, but, at the same time, if any of the sort of arrogance and contempt I've heard of from other folks (including doctors) was actually warranted on behalf of modern science and medicine, there would be no fatal diseases. Again, I'll happily write glowing testimony on behalf of the people treating me, but I've met too many patients who feel like refusing treatment because they're too dejected or frightened to go on, and their doctors or insurance are still charging them (why that's still allowed is largely due to the fact that modern medical insurance is an entirely artificial industry created to meet no demand, and enabled by Richard Nixon and Edgar Kaiser)(again, I'm making none of that up). I'd urge everyone to get up, remember that dead men, women, transgender, non-binary, (and anyone I'm forgetting), do not pay bills; hopefully that'll give you the sort of needed psychological boost to get off your butt and demand more. It's not a sustainable life strategy, but until the end of your illness is in sight, Malcolm X's statement, "By any means necessary" should be your mantra.

8. Don’t lose hope - Believe me, it seems weird for me to write it, and it might very well be warranted in more than a few cases, but I did ask myself, once, why I'd be on the phone the next morning ordering and organizing my prescriptions (orchestrating what substances should be in me on which day is now a more daunting logistics task than the D-Day landings), instead of just sitting quietly in a comfy chair until it was all over (that's still always a temptation), and all I can say is, I guess it was enough to motivate me through another day. And another. And another. And, in the meantime, another treatment has made it to trials, for, wait for it, recurrent GBM (which is what I'll have if the Warlocks miscalculate using the lunar calendar)(no longer a joke; each treatment period is 28 days). I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna get miserable, and not all of us will make it (Hell, measles has a death rate, which, there,  that sensation of realizing measles can be fatal, is what a TIA feels like).

9. Mourn your old life, don’t waste time trying to get it back. I made that mistake between Tumor #1 and 2. I'm not making it again. I realize I can only write for myself, which was the horrifying realization that came to define my existence - no one, as far as I can tell, has written a decent, current, useable guide to avoiding the reaper when your number's up. So I guess I'm going to have to stay alive long enough to do that. Also, I don't know if anyone out there's outlived their own life expectancy, but I've already done it twice, and there is no more amazing sensation - no matter what else your life looks like.

[mercenarypark]

tf2 mercs and pets

ive been writing on this since yesterday and now im sick of it so heres a lot of words i made to distract myself from my father #animal abuse #abuse #physical abuse #antisemitism #insects #spiders #dogs #cats #birds #snakes #long post #text heavy

-medic, obviously, has a LOT of experience with birds. his mother had a cockatoo that he was basically raised with, and throughout his childhood he would always try to befriend the wild birds around their home [on the occasion he was allowed outside, that is]. in college/med school, he kept up that same trend, earning a less than stellar reputation as "that weird fucker who tries to climb trees around campus to get a better look at the birds’ nests", alongside his other reputations, "the weird gay jew who doesnt understand personal space" and "probably the cause of at least three "disappearances" throughout the semester since they were last seen harassing him"

-BLU engie gets ein[the canary] after a family member dies, they werent particularly close but the guy didnt have a will or any friends willing to take the bird, and engie was basically the closest living relative available [note: only BLU engie has the canary, not RED engie, and he recieves it a few years after joining the mercs]

-pyro kept the dalmation puppy they take in the comics, and he's a big comfort for them, they'll sometimes spend hours just playing with him or hugging him to calm themselves down from a panic attack; funny thing is, no one's entirely sure what pyro NAMED him, not even the people who can usually understand pyro's mumbles[engie, medic, solly, demo]. all 4 of them seem to hear completely different things so theyve just kind of accepted as a group that the dog has four different names that are all equally valid

-pyro also loves a lot of bugs, BLU py had a pet praying mantis for a while until the administrator made everyone move bases again, this time to a much colder climate- they were worried the mantis wouldn't survive the lower temperatures and released it before they left; theyve also kept tarantulas, ants, and stag beetles before -engie is also really into ant keeping and he and pyro bond over that, engie builds big elaborate setups for their ant colonies

-medic talks to birds, a lot, and seems to hold full conversations with them a lot of the time. not just his pigeon flock, either, but any bird- from sparrows to falcons to parakeets

-demo volunteers at the "kitten orphanage" shown in end of the line- hed work at the regular human orphanage too, but... he has too many bad memories of his own time as an "orphan". the kittens all love him, engie will sometimes come by to find demo sprawled on the floor on his back, three kittens on his chest, one asleep on his neck, one kneading its paws on his cheek, one chewing on his shoe...

-medic doesnt understand dogs. hes not scared of them, not really, he just. doesnt understand how they work. he cant read their body language at ALL and he was rarely around them as a child. he's ok with cats, though he still cant understand their body language that well, and sometimes irritates the shyer or more aggressive ones by being too affectionate- he only blames himself for getting scratched/bit though

-spy says he never had pets growing up, which is probably a lie- he just doesnt want to give anyone any information about his childhood and family life. he's mentioned once or twice that he wouldnt mind getting a pet snake, though, which engie thought was fucking hilarious and fitting

-scout actually didnt have pets growing up- her family spent a lot of time trying to make ends meet, and a tiny, shitty apartment w/ her, her ma, and her 7 siblings wasnt exactly an optimal environment for a pet. she always liked cats, though, and mice, and after she joins the mercs she grows to really love birds, too, because theyre Everywhere at the bases

-[RED] demo got his parrot, joyce, from BLU soldier[only RED demo has the birdman of aberdeen in my hcs]. solly found it in a bush somewhere as a chick, and brought it to demo. demo has no fucking clue how the hell jane managed to find a baby parrot out in the badlands, but he winds up taking her in, getting a lot of help from medic to get adjusted [medic is absolutely delighted and fawns over joyce the whole fucking time he loves her so much]

-demo's really worried for the longest time that he wont be able to take care of joyce properly ["i can barely keep myself together, how'm i supposed to keep you alive?"]  but he grows to really love her and she becomes an emotional support animal for him, on some of his worst days he keeps himself from drinking himself into a blackout by keeping her busy and happy

-she becomes even more important to him after the WAR update events, as a living reminder of his old relationship with jane; it hurts him sometimes to look at her and remember the grin on jane's face when she first handed him that parrot chick, but he loves joyce anyway and nothing's gonna change that

-demo also used to own lizards, he's partial to bearded dragons

-both RED and BLU solly are licensed falconers and wildlife rehabilitators. no one's entirely sure how. but its the reason shes allowed to have her Horde of Raccoons and also her fucking bald eagle [note: BLU solly is the one with the Compatriot, RED solly is the one with LT bites and the other raccoons]

-engie grew up with farm animals, because of course. he's good with horses, pigs, cattle, and sheep, and working dogs. one of the times the mercs had their bases relocated, they wound up in texas so RED engie took everyone out to his family's old farm [he pays to have it taken care of while his dad's... gone and he's w/ the mercs]

-spy flips the fuck out when he realizes just how fucking huge hogs are. then someone[scout] absolutely knocks spy into the mud with the pigs and he gets trampled and everyone laughs. also spy is mildly terrified of horses. spy does not have a good time at dell's farm

-speaking of terrified of horses, demo,

well really he's not terrified, hes just distrustful. it takes a long time for tavish to warm up to engie's horses, with a lot of reassuring from dell that hes not doing something wrong

-medic's pigeons are extremely affectionate and loyal to him, first and foremost. at least one or two accompany him at pretty much all times, except for when they're locked into their aviary at night. they also love heavy, scout, and pyro, and like/tolerate everyone else

-heavy loves birds. his family has a lot of chickens, and hes very partial to them; he also has a parakeet, who his sisters take care of while he's with the mercs. RED heavy is the one that finds the red army robin; he sees an injured little bird in the snow and he brings it to medic

-jane “soldier” doe cannot take care of cats or dogs or other normal pets for the life of her but if you hand her an injured wild porcupine and say "hey, how do i take care of this" she'll know exactly what to do; sometimes both soldiers will just come out onto the battlefield bottlefeeding a squirrel or something, and somehow artfully dodge enemy fire while shooting rockets AND feeding a baby animal. how's that for multitasking

-scout's ma, peg, has a cockatiel that she gets after all her children have left the nest, so to speak. scout teaches it to whistle happy birthday and demonstrates that on peg's birthday and its sweet

-heavy has a very specific [canonical, at least w/ "pokernight at the inventory"] childhood memory of watching a boy kill a sparrow, w/ the implication that the memory haunts him a little bit; seeing the injured robin brought that memory to the surface, and it freaked him out more than he'd like to admit. he was kind of panicking when he asked for medic's help, but trying desperately not to show it

-spy hates dogs. he hates horses. he hates insects. he tolerates cats. but most damning of all, he hates birds. thats a big problem with at least half of the base loving or at least liking birds, and with all the pigeons/doves everywhere

-it takes YEARS before spy stops insulting or scolding medic's pigeons every time he gets the chance, and the main reason he stops is because medic absolutely was NOT having it... still though, spy has his limits. he never hurt any of medic's birds, or anyone else's pets, because he may be a mercenary but he does have some standards. mostly

-this is notable, because, hahahhhhhhh. im gonna eventually make a much longer post about this, but medic has a fair amount of Trauma[tm] from dealing with classic heavy's abusive bullshit; the thing is though, cheavy realized quickly that medic could handle being yelled at or physically punished for his mistakes or his worse quirks... but he had a very vulnerable flock of pigeons with him, that he regarded as family and who meant the world to him

-the scene in the comics where cheavy grabs archimedes tight and throws him to the ground was not an isolated incident, is what im saying. though it /was/ one of the more violent ones, since after a few threats and a few times of cheavy proving he absolutely would follow through on his threats, medic got the hint

-through his time working w/ the classics, medic becomes more secluded and on edge, and more prone to breakdowns and fits; and even more protective of his flock, urging them multiple times to fly away and leave him, to find heavy or scout or SOMEONE and stay with them, that he would come back for them when he could[but they always refused to leave him]... the baboon infant incident was a long time coming and he only held off on detonating it as long as he did through sheer willpower and a healthy fear of retribution

-ANYWAY. projecting aside.

-scout /would/ get a cat from the kitten orphanage but shes worried it would try to kill or eat some of medic's doves, since they basically free roam the base; so instead she goes by with demo sometimes to play with the cats and its Good

-ms pauling is a big dog person, and i mean that both in the "she really loves dogs" way and in the "she loves dogs that are Massive" way; she grew up with newfoundlands and bully breeds and shes still got a big soft spot for them; she has two shelter dogs, one's an 11 y/o pit+rottie, the other is a 7 y/o mutt that has some st bernard in it and who's blind in one eye; she spoils them rotten

-engie is really into fishkeeping and after all this merc business is over, he wants to have big fucking tanks installed in his home; hes also surprisingly passionate about the proper treatment of fish, like, he nearly decked spy once for saying betta fish just needed a fishbowl and not a whole aquarium setup

-medic has stolen at least a couple fancy pigeons from pigeon shows, mostly the ones that have been bred to an unhealthy degree to fit show standards, he spends a lot of time trying to give them the best care he can and maybe undo the effects of years of awful breeding 

-i literally dont care about sniper so he gets no headcanons

im tired