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#ive spent so long trying to find out
thebreadwing · 1 year
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Hey, so I have this date on my calendar that I left vague so I wouldn't be questioned if anyone looked at my phone, and now not even I remember what it's for.
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Anyone know anything that has to do with skeletons and can be abbreviated into lpsf?
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diddlesnap · 21 days
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The Hunger Games but make it an early 2000s shoujo manga
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lesbianwithchainsaws · 6 months
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I've somewhat made a horror movie blog (not on tumblr) so now I need to figure out what to post there. There's several topics I'd be interested in exploring, but idk how to make them sound interesting or good
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lith-myathar · 1 month
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#ever find yourself over-explaining something you did because you feel like you're about to get in trouble? even if it's something innocuous?#and you're trying so hard to Not Get in Trouble you start to feel like you're lying EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT#sometimes one notices a behavior and it's like ''oh yeah. i spent my whole childhood being constantly criticised and living on the defensive#and now any time i feel like i MIGHT have made a mistake#even if there's no reason to think i did#i'll start trying to prove it wasn't my fault and get out in front of criticism before it even happens''#note to self to remember i do stuff like this next time im questioning how bad it actually was#i act in these weird evasive prevaricating ways for no reason#i feel like i have to hide something when there's nothing worth hiding#it's all these weird reactions to living for so long in an environment where if i DID do something wrong#the resulting harsh criticism and verbal abuse was so bad that i started to be hyper vigilant#and always looking for things to excuse whatever id done#it suckkksssss in adulthood because it makes you act squirrelly and weird (read: suspicious#to someone who doesn't understand that kind of anxiety) AND if you do genuinely make a mistake#it's really hard not to get extremely defensive bc you're expecting to be emotionally demolished if you admit you were at fault#it's not a gr8 behavior and i hate when i catch myself doing it#ive gotten way better about that one in the last few years but only because i now live with people who are capable of regulating#even when they are angry with me.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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#do i feel guilty abt spending like 4+hrs working on my CV during normal work hours today? yes#but also i spent 5 months getting paid part time when i was working 10+hr days 6 days a week#so i feel like it balances out#also i need to update my cv as things happen bc i instantly forget so many things i do#like i forgot i was named on at least 1 publication. like completely forgot until i searched my name on google scholar#also i have like 25 posters/presentations to my name. and only like maybe 5 of those are ones that r just in name#ive given a lot of talks/poster presentations lol#my cv is so long. i prob should have shortened it more before i sent it to the dude im talking with#but like. idk im gonna meet him next week so like if i commit a little faux pas by sending a too long cv im sure its fine. hes already#interested enough to chat. and therefore i have to bust my ass preparing to meet with him#bc hes from the most prestigious uni ive contacted. so like really theres no way ill get in. but i will shamelessly try#god. ive gotta really study hard. like i mean i dont have to but ive been so burnt out for so long that ive been slipping when it comes to#hardcore academic stuff. like my memory of genetics and chem stuff is slipping. and generally i find it difficult to wrangle my thoughts in#a way that makes sense. so i really wanna be prepared to talk to him#lol my boss is gonna get back from Europe like hey ur gonna follow me to las vegas? and im gonna be like haha fuck that i dont wanna live#there. i am currently 1 foot out the door. im at the bus stop waiting for someone to give me the money for the science bus#give me funding to study cool stuff!!!!#ugh and i still need to look for more ppl to ask. like i want at least 2 or 3 US options on top of my 3 potential UK options#and like im really considering contacting some ppl in Germany bc like all the papers i look at are german. the germans are doing cool#cyanobacteria bullshit. and im jealous and i dont speak german but hey ive got a year to learn#so idk maybe ill see if my boss talked to anyone cool while she was at her conferences. pls boss tell me abt the other cool cyanobacteria#ppl 🙏 but idk. i feel like ppl dont quite get what im interested in. bc its astrobiology but really its more evolution and understanding#the fundamentals of life. so like no i dont wanna go to mars. i wanna understand what freaky shit life was doing millons if years ago#ugh. im being a slacker. ive gotta shift into try hard mode.#but also i wanna draw and finish my fanfics 😭 we'll see what happens#unrelated#also thank u to the ppl who sent kind words on my post yesterday! im still shadowbanned so i cant reply to u 😭
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aphelea · 1 year
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some of the shit canva locks behind canva pro is ridiculous. what do you mean i have to pay to be able to use a line with a slightly curvier loop i just want the loop canva
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wristful · 1 year
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baltears · 2 years
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combing through playlists on soundcloud and youtube trying to find a random b- or c-tier popular phonk/darkwave song with no distinguishable lyrics like an unemployed zillennial nancy drew
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be-good-to-bugs · 5 days
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all i ever wanna do is sleep but my body wont even let me have at least a normal amount
#the bin#i havent had almost any energy in so goddamn long. its hard for me to even do my daydreaming because i just dont hqve the energy to stand up#i hate feeling so exhausted all the time. its so much worse since i also feel so depressed always too#nothing makes me feel better :( i spend every second feeling like garbage.#i hate that nobody has ever taken me seriously when i talk about how bad it feels. they dont understand how absolutely horrible it is to#just not have any friends whatsoever. they dont believe it feels that bad.#im trying so hard to feel better but i cant. i havent fekt this incapable of happiness for such a prolonged time ever#im trying to draw stuff to make myself happy but it isnt working at all. i think my room being cluttered is part 9f the problem but even if#i were to fix it i doubt it woule help much if at all. i feel like i reached the point where ive spent too long not have any social#connection or anything like that and my brain just cant do it anymore. tine spent with my sister was ALWAYS awkward and uncomfortable#and there was a lot of issues but it was still something. that something is gone and now i talk to nobody at all#this kinda happened to me several years ago when she left for a few months and i didnt talk to thevrest of my family much#im glad im done with our relationship. at this point i cant even pretend to be friendly when i see her. she just keeps doing shitty stuff#even within the past month. everytime i see her i find out about more shitty stuff. i hate her so much. the sound of her voice makes me#wanna rip my hair out. i never wanna ever speak to her again. i have to. and i will. but god. if s#i dont know what ill do to meet people once im moved but i hope i can figure it out quickly. i cant do THIS anymore. i will literally die
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hecksupremechips · 2 months
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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flamestar126 · 5 months
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Dentist/teeth venting lol
#turns out i have inflamed gums and the cleaning hurts like a bitch#the dentists are always so rough stabs and leaves me bleeding near the end#told the liquid to clean my mouth was gross then proceed to lift my chair without warning me i ended up swallowing some out of surprise#did x rays and they dig into my gums so bad i literally could taste blood during#“you need to floss more” i dont know how to care of braces! the first day of getting them you guys said ok and sent me off without any info#google doesnt tell you shit as a 17 y/o then questioning me using terms ive never heard of before im not a dentist im confused dumbass ;A;;#they dropped my wire theyre supposed to put back in my mouth and couldnt find it i saw it drop under the counter and struggled to pick it u#also struggled to put a new wire on and spent over 10 min trying to put back my rubber bands#i cant open my mouth bigger than that! my mouth is small im a tiny person please stop stabbing me with those sharp tools every 5 seconds#guess who just found that tiny lost broken wire in mouth as im writing this#when they cut my wire to fit in my mouth they lost them of both sides in my mouth and i could only found one until now#gave me mismatched color bands so i have black and red im not going to open my mouth until i go back loll#took 10 min to put my bands back and struggled so hard they were pacing back n forth and cursing shit motherfuck fuck damn instead 1 min#that part was amusing no matter how long it took them they kept asking if i was okay when i felt like i should be asking them that#my venting is out of order but the first dentist was so apologetic and kind joking with me and trying to calm down when I wasn't nervous#i couldn't stop smiling at their clumsiness but 2nd dentist was rough and wanted to speedrun me it hurt#ive been there for two hours i dont care if youre slow i just want it carefully#left there shaking and bleeding#not my worst experience ngl but doesnt make me feel less shitty#the place i go do not care about me for the almost past 2 years ive been there#my anger left im just being whiny now#flame vents#dentist
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crowtits · 9 months
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watching this adventuring party and scrolling on tumblr and realizing I'd seen this all in a dream a couple of months ago . weird.
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azrielsdove · 5 months
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Ive been loving all the fics youve been posting. I had this lil idea that hopefully sparks joy for you if ur requests are open. Its an azriel x reader. Where reader is very cold hearted and kinda mean almost bitchy like nesta. Hates to be touched eapecially on her back. Azriel hates her cuz she so unpleastant and so incredibly difficult. The bond snaps for azriel and hes so so confused because he for sure thought elain was for him. Reader always looks at azriels hands almost disgusted but the truth is that she had her wings cut off and the stumps burned down to her flesh, so her entire back is scarred like azriels hands. Her face isnt of disgust but since he hides his hands she assumes he'd be disgusted in her. Azriel softens up to her when he finds out she has a soft spot for children, maybe she teaches orphaned children in the city. Idk i just like the idea of a cold hearted reader thats just as scarred as azzy but actually has a soft heart for kids. Or maybe shes always longed for a family of her own but cant get passed her own insecurities. You can change whatever you'd like to fit your writing style. ❤️
Thank you love!!!! I am OBSESSED with this idea and took off with it. I decided to turn it into a mini series, when I started writing the Readers POV it was getting wayyyy long. I hope I have done your idea justice, here is part 1 <3
Cold Hearts: Azriel x Reader
Chapter Warnings: None
Pt. 2 Here
***
Azriel couldn’t stand her. She was nothing but cold and hateful to everyone, especially to him. When she had first come to stay with Rhysand in Velaris, he had tried to be kind to her. Rhys hadn’t told anyone why he brought her, and she certainly never opened up about it.
The first day he met her, she was sitting silently in the small library in the House of Wind. Azriel had smiled at her and given a “Good morning.” She had turned sharply to look at him, her gaze focusing on the hand he waved with. He watched the look of disgust come over her face before she turned back to staring into the fire.
Azriel had been a little taken aback. Sure, he struggled with the way his hands looked, and was no stranger to the dirty looks. The look on her face had been nastier than he had ever seen. She looked at his hands like they caused her pain. He left the library after that, not sure what to think.
Many years had gone by since that first meeting, and Azriel preferred to stay far away from her. No one else wears very fond of her either. He still didn’t know why Rhys had brought her here, nor why he allowed her to stay. She spent most of her days locked in her room or sitting in the library. She occasionally came to meals with the family, rarely speaking. And when she did speak? It was always some cold remark, as if she wanted to be anywhere else with anyone else.
So why did she stay?
Azriel pondered that question far too often. When Rhys became trapped Under the Mountain, he had included that everyone should be prepared for war in his last message. Azriel took it upon himself to train her. He had shown up to her room early in the morning, expecting a fight. To his shock, she willingly came.
She took to training quicker than Azriel had thought. She proved to have some skill under that cold shell she showed everybody, even if it took some coaxing for it to come out. He was impressed. Azriel even started enjoying teaching her, until the day she lashed out at him and declared she never wanted to see him again.
He didn’t know what he had done wrong.
He was trying to teach her a slightly difficult new maneuver. She was struggling to angle her body the correct way, unable to understand how Azriel did it. He had reached out to help her, placing a hand on her lower back and shoulder to move her body into place. She shot out of his grasp like he had stabbed her, whipping around to face him.
“What do you think you are doing?” She had seethed, eyes on fire. Azriel had held his hands up in surrender, confused.
“I was just trying to help-“ He had begun, being cut off by her.
“Don’t. Don’t fucking touch me.” She had glared at his hands, a stare he didn’t miss.
“I don’t understand why you must be so insufferable all of the time!” Azriel had snapped, fed up with the constant negativity and judgement that came from her.
“Maybe don’t be a nasty pig and grab up on any female you see!” She had shouted, turning to leave the ring. “Stay away from me. I don’t wish to see you anymore.”
And that was that.
Cassian had taken over her training from then on out. Azriel was fine with it. She clearly had some sort of issue with him, and it seemed to stem from his hands. His ugly, scarred hands. Were they really so grotesque she couldn’t even stand him touching her?
***
When Rhysand had returned from Under the Mountain, things got better and worse. At first, she had been kinder. Azriel had noticed how she rushed to Rhys before anyone else, how carefully she wrapped him in her arms. The two of them had disappeared after that, not seen until the next day. Azriel couldn’t figure out why the two of them had such a bond, why Rhysand cared for her so much. He had just come back and announced that the human girl - Feyre - was his mate, so it couldn’t be a romantic attraction.
Or could it?
Azriel shook his head, demanding those thoughts the leave his mind. Ignoring the spark of jealousy that ran through him. He didn’t know why he cared so much about her.
***
Elain. There was no doubt in Azriels mind that Elain was his. Rhysand had Feyre, Cassian had Nesta, naturally Azriel would have Elain. It didn’t matter that the cauldron had mated her with Lucien. Three sisters, three brothers. Anyone could read what that meant.
Azriel tried not to notice the way she had slunk into the shadows lately. When Feyre first came to the Night Court, the two had struck up a friendship. Azriel couldn’t believe his eyes and ears when he saw how fun and sweet she was with Feyre. It further confirmed his belief that she was so disgusted in his scars that she couldn’t stand to be near him. She had even started to being nicer to Cassian, her training with him going much better than yours with Azriels had.
Once the bond snapped with Feyre and Rhysand, she had taken a small step back from the both of them. When it snapped with Cassian and Nesta, she had backed away from Cass as well. She barely even had a witty retort anymore, choosing to stay quiet most of the time.
Azriel felt like no one else had noticed the change in her. However, he had to admit, so much change had happened in such a short time that he couldn’t blame them for not realizing.
Why did he realize?
Even as she created small friendships with the others, she ignored Azriel. She only looked at him to stare at his hands. He had taken to wearing his gloves around her at all times, but she just stared as if she could see through the fabric. He had spent decades trying to be nice to her, for nothing. She rarely spoke to him, mostly just gave that look to his hands.
She was always going to be cruel to him.
***
Azriel was trying desperately to find a Solecist gift for Elain. He knew he had a reputation for gifts, and he wanted to make sure what he got Elain was perfect. As perfect as she is.
And he had no idea what that would be.
He was wandering the paths of Velaris aimlessly, peering into the stores as he passed, trying to see anything that seemed like Elain. He was getting worried that he would never find anything, turning away from yet another shop.
He stopped when he saw her.
She was inside a little building, large windows open for anyone to see in. He watched as she stood at the front of the room, facing a small group of…children? He angled his body a little to see clearly into the room, listening to her voice come through the window. Her tone was kinder than he had ever heard it. Azriel watched with wide eyes as she demonstrated a defense move-a move he had taught her.
And now she was teaching it to children.
He watched for the rest of the class, amazed at how well the kids grasped onto the concepts she was teaching. He felt his heart skip when her laughter floated out the windows, a bright smile on her face as she looked at one of the students. He had never seen her like this before.
When the class ended he watched as one of the smaller children ran up to her and threw their arms around her legs. Azriel expected her to jump back at the touch, instead watching her bend down and wrap her arms around them. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He couldn’t believe any of this. He turned and headed back to the House, the gift for Elain long forgotten.
***
He wanted to approach her. He wanted to ask about the children he saw her teaching. He had a sudden desire to know more about her, to see who she may be under that cold exterior.
Azriel should have known she wouldn’t let him.
It was a few days after he had spotted her in town, and he had finally found her alone in the little library. He cleared his throat as he approached her, hoping to get her attention. Of course, she ignored him. He shouldn’t have been hurt by it, but he had been so hopeful after seeing her with the children.
Azriel called her name.
Her head slowly turned to him, eyes blazing. “Yes?” She asked coolly. Azriel have a small smile, refusing to lose his nerve now.
“I saw you, in town? With the children? I-“ He started, cut off by her suddenly standing.
“Spying on me, are you?” She asked, anger all over her face.
“No! No! I was shopping, for Elain, and I happened to walk by!” Azriel was gesturing wildly, not wanting you to think he was following you. “I saw you and then I saw the children and I was interested. You were, nice to them.” He cursed the words as they came out of his mouth, sounding just as sorry as one could imagine.
She scoffed. “Why would I not be? They’re kids.” Her words were sharp and Azriel felt embarrassment creep up his neck.
“Well, you’re not really nice to anyone.” He bit out, temper rising as she laughed.
“You don’t know anything about me.” She said, looking at him curiously.
“Oh? Is that so?” Azriel felt the words coming out before he could stop them, all the things he had wanted to say for years. “Maybe that’s because you don’t let anyone get close to you. I tried to be your friend in the beginning, just for you to be cold and nasty. You are always cold and nasty. I’ve noticed you slowly losing the friends you have made, slinking off into the shadows. Do you ever stop to think that maybe it’s because you’re a cold-hearted bitch?”
She looked like he had slapped her.
“W-what?” She stumbled out, eyes wide.
Now it was Azriels turn to scoff. “Don’t pretend to be innocent now. You rarely speak to anyone except for Rhys, and when you do it’s usually to tell them to leave you alone! Even when I was trying to train you, you lashed out at me for just trying to help. You have always acted like I disgust you, always glaring at my hands. Do they really upset you so much that you have to act like i’m the worst thing you’ve ever encountered? That you have to look at me like that and flinch when I touch you? I tried to be nice to you, just for you to react like that.” He was breathing heavy, all the hurt coming to the surface.
He watched her eyes flash and then suddenly, she was yelling at him. “How dare you? You have no idea what you are talking about. Are you so self centered that you truly believe everything I do is about you? Do you ever stop for one second to think that maybe, just maybe, I have my own shit to deal with?” Her cheeks were colored red, her hands clenching into fists.
Azriel rolled his eyes. “We all have our own shit going on. It doesn’t mean we take all of our miserable feelings out on everyone else!”
“I don’t! I just don’t have any interest in getting close with you. Not everyone has to want to lick the ground you walk on, Shadowsinger.” She spat out the last word like it was dirt in her mouth.
“Why not? What have I ever done that makes you hate me so? What has any of us done? The only one of us you would talk to for years was Rhysand. Did you love him? Are you bitter now that he has a mate and no one will ever be interested in you?” Azriel knew that was a low blow, but his anger overrode him common sense.
“What are you talking about? The relationship between me and Rhysand is none of your business. For a spymaster, you’re truly horrible at reading a situation.” She was angry, angrier than she had been in decades.
Azriel didn’t care. “No one here likes you. They’ve all moved on from their short friendships with you. Even your precious Rhys has found someone else to occupy his time with. Why do you stay here? You have no one.” He felt the pain in his chest at the expression on her face.
She blinked quickly, fighting tears. “You are the cruel one, Azriel.” She turned and ran from the room, leaving him in the aftermath of their fight.
It was the first time she had said his name.
He felt it snap in his chest, the tug to follow you. He could barely react, the shock of it keeping him rooted to the spot. No, he thought. No. Not her. It wasn’t supposed to be her.
The mating bond didn’t care for his concerns.
***
Please let me know how you feel!! Honestly Pt. 2 should be out tonight or tomorrow, i’m pretty far into it. I’m thinking this will be a 3-4 part mini series!!!
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evie-sturns · 2 months
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𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙜𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 - 𝙈𝙖𝙩𝙩 𝙎𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙤𝙡𝙤
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summary: you and matt had previously dated for a few years until him and his brothers grew famous, where matt became arrogant and self centered. fast foward to to present, a couple years later. you have moved on from matt completly until you run into him at an influencer party, what will unfold when you approach him? will you two rekindle or will the wall stay strong between you two.
contains: angst, arguing, swearing, fluff, making out.
—---------------└─── °∘❉∘° ───┘--------———
(2 years ago)
i lay on the couch next to matt, my head resting on his shoulder as the tv rambles. hes invested in his phone, typing every few seconds.
hes been filming videos with his brothers, chris and nick, for the past year or two, and they've just hit 3 million subscribers.
matt clears his throat before moving my head off him, "i gotta talk to you, yeah?"
my eyebrows furrow, i look over at matt who has an unreadable expression on his face. I nod slowly with a hum, "i don't know how to say this, but uh-... nick chris and i have decided to move to l.a with laura."
what?
"what?" i instantly reply, my stomach drops to my knees.
"gotta chase them dreams." he shrugs casually, picking up his phone.
anger starts to bubble inside of me, why the fuck is he being so nonchalant about moving across the whole country? what am i gonna do, just be left here and forgotten about?
"what the hell matt!" i say, raising my voice and slamming the phone out of his hand, he throws his hands up defensively. "are you being fucking serious right now?" i yell, "calm down bro?" he mumbles, picking his phone back up.
i stay silent, waiting for matt to speak, or atleast a solution. he just stays silent, looking around the room. "matt, what am i gonna do." i sigh, trying to contain myself.
"uh.. not sure?" matt leans back on the couch. "like you can come with if you want but i won't really.." he pauses for a few seconds
"have time for you..? i mean we're staying in lauras apartment which doesnt have enough space anyway but you could always sleep on the couch or something."
i scoff, "so this is it?" tears start to roll down my cheeks. "if you can't handle my fame and me moving then thats not my problem." he runs a hand through his hair before standing up.
without another word I'm upstairs and packing my suitcase, I'm leaving.
(Current time)
ever since matt and i's messy breakup ive been moving around alot, i spent the first month or so living with my parents, where i started content creating on various platforms. i would be lying if i said i didn't get popular, over the past 2 years ive gained a few million followers.
a year ago today i moved to l.a, where i've been thriving.
9:38pm
"y/n come on!" i hear yolanda, my roomate, shout from downstairs, today i've been invited to a party for influencers, i think. i run downstairs in my baby pink stiletto heels. yolanda is wearing a long shimmering black dress with a large slit up to the mid thigh. "hottie" i tease as i walk past her.
"shush" she replys with a wide grin, i walk outside to find our uber waiting patiently "yoyo!" i yell back to her as she scrambles around to find her purse.
i climb into the uber, "my bad, my friends coming now."
yolanda comes running outside, swinging open the door to the uber and crawling over me. i laugh slightly at her, she glares at me while applying lip gloss.
"you okay?" i ask her, "just nervous, its weird being a plus one to a party where i know famous people will be." she replies with a breath.
"you'll be okay gorg, i have no idea whos even going so we'll just stay together hm?" i say comfortingly, watching the lively streets of l.a outside the window.
the uber comes to a stop outside a large beachside mansion, i give him a quick thankyou before grabbing yolandas hand and approaching the house. the blaring music is audible from outside the house.
we walk up the stairs together, our heels clicking in sync on the marble steps. the doors to the house are wide open, the first person i see when i come inside makes my heart drop.
christopher sturniolo
my breath hitches in my throat, theres thankfully no sight of matt, i mean hes never really been one for partys. i feel physically sick when me and chris lock eyes, i guess i look different since the last time i saw him, 2 years ago.
I haven't really thought about matt since i moved to l.a, the last person i wouldve expected to see here is his triplet brothers.
i shoot yolanda a look, she looks equally has disturbed as me.
i decide to keep navigating through the various bunches of people, i look back and yolandas gone, flirting with some random instagram male model. i scoff with a smile.
i turn my body back around, an audible gasp escapes my mouth as matt sturniolo stands infront of me,
alone.
he smiles awkwardly with a wave, he looks me up and down while he clutches the cup in his hand so tight his knuckles go white. "you look different." matt says, his voice shaking from nerves
"charming." i roll my eyes.
"no!- no i meant in a good way, i mean in a platonic way, but you look different, sorry-.. how are ya doing.." matt rambles, stammering over every word.
a small smile forms on my face, which instantly drops when i remember the events of what happened the last time i saw him. "i've been doing really good actually." i reply, nodding my head slowly.
"yeah, i saw !thats awesome you got selected for that peoples choice awa-rds..." matt says before stopping himself, i laugh slightly.
has he been stalking me? that got announced an hour ago.
"thanks matt, how have you been?" i ask, he takes a small breath "i've been good, yeah.." matt says, he clearly doesn't think the world revolves around him like how he did 2 years ago.
another silence fills the air between us, but he breaks it. "do you wanna come with me?" matt asks abruptly, my eyebrows furrow "sure?"
he reaches out a hand subtly, i take it.
he guides us through hundreds of people, yolanda eyes me down with her jaw slack, i shrug my shoulders with a smile back at her. the night hair hits my revealed skin as matt lets my hand go slowly.
"should we go sit on the sand?" i ask quietly while we walk side by side on the footpath.
-
10:12pm
matt and i have been walking side by the shoreline for a few minutes, catching up on the past 2 years of no contact
"wait so you're at 6 million?" i laugh in shock, he shakes his head with a smile "shut up!!"
"no like, congratulations matt thats really awesome."
he shrugs it off with a playful nudge to my shoulder,
the past 30 minutes or so neither of us have brought up the last time we spoke, our last interaction, the final fight. i think we both don't want to ruin what we have going on right now.
a silence forms as the ripple waves crash onto the shore, my palms are sweating from the warmth from the night. "wanna go sit up there? in the dunes?" matt asks, pointing up the beach. "oh-..oh yeah!" i agree chirpily, snapping out of my somewhat 'trance'
he leads us away from the water up into the sand dunes, the mound of sand and grass behind us acting as privacy. he flops down onto his back, laying down on the sand. I lay down close beside him, our legs touching against eachother.
"i want to talk to you about what happened that night." i blurt out softly, just from the plain moonlight i can see matts cheeks are a deep maroon. he nods "yeah." with a shaky sigh.
"i was an asshole, like proper crazy." he says in a serious tone.
"honest to god i think the fame was making me go insane, i thought i was so much better than.. everyone? i never shouldve told you like that, or moved in general" he rambles, guilt painted in his voice.
"matt, moving was best for you." i cut him off, but he instantly snaps back
"i don't think it was? i miss you so much."
i sit up, the loose sand falling off my back "and i never really moved on, i'm so grateful i found you tonight 'cause the guilt has been eating away at me, and im so sorry, i am so fucking sorry." matt mumbles slightly.
i nod understandably "i think we needed the break, i can see you've changed a lot, for the better."
matt sits up too, sand grains scattered in his brunette locks as his tongue pokes out quickly to wet his lips. his eyes stare into mine before he reaches out a hand to grab my jaw, right under my ear.
"can I kiss you?"
i nod frantically "yeah-of course"
matt leans in, his body shifting on the sand while the calm waves crash onto the shoreline.
his lips meet mine, a distant familiar feeling that i hate to admit but ive really missed, even though ive forced myself not to.
his tongue asks for enterance, which i quickly allow. his tongue slips into my mouth,
i move my hair to one side before hooking one leg over his thigh, moving my body to straddle him while keeping our lips connected.
our kiss turns from gentle, to desperate. craving what we've missed for the past 2 years.
after a well-needed few minutes, we finally pull away from each other to catch our breath. panting fills the air before he pulls me into a tight hug his arms moving over my back as i stay seated on his lap. leaning onto his chest.
"i think we should retry, everything." he matt says into my hair as i rest my chin over his shoulder
"gotta agree with you on that one matthew." i laugh, joy overpowering me.
-
"matt there you fucking are!" a familiar voice yells from a few meters away. i look up, breaking matt and i's hug.
chris and nick are standing side by side with a shocked expression on their face. "holy shit!" nick laughs,
nick used to be one of my closest friends, but after the breakup with matt and i we were forced apart, i think after his brothers caught me ontop of matt it gave them the all clear to interact with me again.
i climb off of matts lap, running across the sand towards nick before leaping into his arms, the long fabric of my dress drowning nick.
"someone please fill me in" chris says cluelessly.
matt walks over to us 3, nick puts me down "uh yeah, we are retrying stuff after a chat, a really good one actually." he says, scratching the back of his head.
"oh my god thank you y/n, matt has not shut up about you for the past 2 years holy fuck." chris says after a dramatic gasp.
-------------
this took so long to write i hope u guys really like it!
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purple-babygirl · 10 days
Text
in the far corner of the forest IV
Pairing: Orc!Bucky Barnes x human!f!reader
Word Count: 6,540
Summary: For the longest time, the kingdom has used Bucky as their number one fighter, forcing him to win their wars for them. The only thing he asked for in return after he was done was that they give him a wife, and they did. They handed him the orphan he picked on a silver platter; it wasn't like anyone would miss her. It would've been perfect if she actually wanted to be there though.
Warnings: mentions of hand injury, idiots in love, feels, jealousy, racism against orcs, angry behaviour, shouting, fight gets slightly physical, bruised arm, crying, angst (i'm sorry). I think that's all.
A/N: good news result in long chapters. thank you from the bottom of my heart for everyone who has wished me good luck with my interview, you guys are angels. please enjoyxx💜💜
~
“You’re in love.”
“I’m what now!?” Bucky chuckled dismissively as he dropped his axe.
Bucky had spent half a day at home, refraining from going to work because of his hand’s condition, but as much as he loved staying home with her, he knew he wasn’t made to take a break.
So he thought he would visit, talk to Sam for a bit and maybe get some pent up ‘feelings’ out on some tree logs. His metal arm was still working just fine after all.
“I said, you’re in love with your human wife,” Sam repeated, smiling so warmly that Bucky wanted to smack him.
“I got her a few weeks ago.” Bucky shook his head in denial of the mere idea of him falling for anyone, let alone a human.
He did love Sam and Sarah, but that was it. They were the only humans he could tolerate. He hated the rest of them. Hell, he hated the human half of himself.
Bucky was just trying to make life easier for himself, that was all. He has been through enough conflicts and he didn’t need this in his marriage too. He deserved to live a normal life like everybody else.
Yes, he was courting her, and maybe he did constantly crave the feel of her body against his ever since she let him hug her the night of the injury, and he was definitely getting hopeful now that she hadn’t tried to run for a whole half day, but that didn’t mean he was in love! Did it?
“And now you’re in love with her.” Sam smirked, knowing how much it drove Bucky crazy that a female human had him on his knees for her love.
“Quit saying that!” Bucky stood up, ready to walk away from his annoying friend.
“Why does it make you so angry that you’re in lo—”
“Don’t,” Bucky warned him, eyes angry and glaring.
“—ve?”
“I am not in love with her, okay! She’s human! Plus, that girl drives me crazy! Do you know how many times I had to bring her back after she’d tried to run in the first two weeks? Five fucking times! That’s almost once every two days, Sam. And she only had one foot working!” Bucky ranted heatedly, desperate to negate his best friend’s theory.
Was he in love with her? And if Sam could see it, did that mean she could too?
“Well, why do you care to bring her back? Why not just let her run?” Sam shrugged, internally dying for Bucky to acknowledge his feelings.
“She could die out there! Humans are weak.”
“So?” Sam probed, intentionally ignoring Bucky’s remark about humans’ strength.
“So— so I signed all those things when she was offered to me. She can’t— I can’t—”
“You can’t?”
“I can’t let her get hurt,” Bucky admitted lowly, sitting down on a log with a loud sigh.
“Why does that make you so upset?” Sam dug deeper.
“Because I think you’re right. I think I might be in love with her.” Bucky rubbed his eye with his good hand, pushing his hair back angrily.
“And?”
“And she thinks I’m the devil.” Bucky’s face fell to his palms.
“Did she ever say that to you out loud?” Sam asked, touching the end of his sharpened blade.
“She doesn’t need to, Sam. I see it in her eyes every time I find her after she’d tried to run away.” Bucky’s voice was broken like his friend has never heard before.
“I thought you said everything was better after your injury?”
“Yeah, but that’s not gonna last forever.” Bucky gave a sad grin, “she’s soon gonna go back to seeing me the same as before.”
“Well, it’s up to you to change her mind, Buck.” Sam patted his friend’s shoulder, giving a squeeze.
Bucky sighed once more before getting up.
Sam was a human. A very handsome one with much less scars and non-icy skin. He would never understand. It would never work. She hated him.
He could continue trying, but it wouldn’t change anything of the way she felt about him and their marriage. She had told him time and time again how she felt about both.
“Going home already?”
“Yeah, I can’t miss the running away bit. It’s my favourite,” he sighed, Sam's laugh trailing behind him.
“Smile at her for a change.”
“Shut up.” I do smile at her. I only ever smile at her.
“Sarah loved the jam by the way!” Sam yelled.
“I’ll let her know!” Bucky yelled back before exhaling sadly.
Sam would never understand. Her taking pity on him those past couple of hours was nothing more than sympathy and likely even guilt.
Sam would never understand that of all the eyes in the world, it seems like Bucky has managed to fall for the only ones that knew how to hurt him, the eyes that would only look at him as a disgusting, frightening monster.
~
When Bucky got home, everything was creepily in place. His door was closed like he had left it and he actually had to use his key to open it for the first time in a while.
Stepping inside, the warm smell of roast chicken welcomed him back.
The house was warm because all the windows were actually shut, too. It was all so calm and homely; the orc was seriously worried.
And then he heard it: his human wife’s sweet voice, humming the melody of a song unfamiliar to him. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen.
Bucky carefully shut the door behind him, not wanting her peaceful mood to end so soon as he tried to take lighter steps to where she was.
Much to his dismay though, she needed something from the other side of the kitchen and when she turned around she saw Bucky and gasped, jumping embarrassingly high.
“You scared me!” She whined, holding a hand to her heart.
“Sorry.” Bucky smirked, entertained by how cute she looked when startled.
“Welcome home,” she mumbled with a bit-back grin, holding onto his forearms before getting on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on Bucky’s cheek.
She never told him, but she was unbelievably thankful when he didn’t specify which type of kiss he expected weeks ago, and even more thankful when he didn’t object to her pecking his cheek before burying herself under the covers.
Life with Bucky has gotten undeniably familiar lately and leaving him was all of a sudden an idea that didn’t interest her as much as before.
Everything he was saying and doing has brought her closer to him without her even comprehending it.
As the days passed, she had realized running away was too exhausting, too risky, and for what? It wasn’t like she had a home to run to or a treasure buried somewhere or a lover worth escaping her orc for.
Her orc.
Hers.
A word she never felt the meaning of until the day Bucky made her his wife.
Bucky was the first and only one to present to her a taste of something she has never had: the feeling of exclusively owning things.
The smile that graced her face when she brushed her hair the first time with the brush Bucky got her was new and unprecedented.
Her brush, he called it.
Her shoes. Her chair. Her towel. Her clothes. Her books. Her side of the bed. Her cottage. Her kitchen.
And her husband.
Everything was brand new and completely hers.
Nothing was handed down to her, nothing was used before the minute her fingers had touched it. None of the things Bucky gifted her had previous owners, including him and his heart.
Most importantly, she didn’t have to share any of it with anybody.
“You’re home,” Bucky said, a surprised yet very happy smile lighting up his handsome features.
“I thought the wife was supposed to say that,” she replied playfully, going back to the bubbling pot.
Bucky raised his eyebrows at the good mood she seemed to be in. He was liking this.
He watched her sprinkle some black pepper into the soup as he came behind her.
She could feel the heat of his body surrounding her even when they weren’t touching and it had her heartbeat going crazy.
“Thank you, little human,” Bucky whispered, before he leaned down and pecked her cheek as well, his stubble and blunt tusks tickling her jaw.
She felt her whole body jolt with electricity at the simple graze of his lips and tusks on her skin as she closed her eyes.
Bucky left the kitchen and went to the bathroom but she was still hot as if his warmth never left her.
And when she opened her eyes and absentmindedly reached her fingertips to touch her cheek, she found herself smiling too.
What was happening to her? What was this foreign feeling lifting her off of her feet in the middle of the kitchen?
“Sam’s sister loved your strawberry jam by the way!” Bucky shouted to her from the bathroom, making her jump again before smiling to herself.
He didn’t use Sarah’s name on purpose, not wanting to ruin her happy mood as he had noticed how angry she got every time he would say it.
“I’ll make her more tomorrow!” She replied with a grin, proud of her hand’s work, her jealousy long forgotten after Bucky’s words of the night before.
After all, how could she be jealous when she was the one that Bucky was looking at like that?
~
When she finished setting up the table and Bucky didn’t come out of the bathroom, she got a little worried.
He never took too long during his showers, and now that he only had one arm to use, she thought he would cut his showers even shorter.
What if his wound was bleeding again and he didn’t want to tell her and was trying to fix it by himself inside the bathroom? She knew she should have stopped him from going to the yard!
“Bucky.” She knocked on the door softly, wanting to make sure he was okay.
“Yes, little human?” Bucky instantly opened the door for her.
And he looked like a dream.
Steam has surrounded him inside the bathroom, water drops from his still-wet hair dripping down his muscular, bare chest and for the first time since Bucky has been naked around her, she found herself looking at him. Actually looking.
Bucky’s chest was so broad, beefy and ribbed down to his abdomen. Scars of all sizes and shapes littered the beautiful, icy greyish skin, a reminder of the battles he had fought and all the sacrifices he had made.
Her heart clenched at the sight, a pang of sympathy coursing through her as she could only imagine the pain he must have had to endure.
Still, she found her hands tingling in curiosity, desperate to know what tracing the healed skin would feel like under her fingertips.
Bucky was a sight for sore eyes, a sight that both captivated and unnerved her, stirring a flurry of unfamiliar emotions in her chest that she struggled to contain.
She averted her gaze, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over her at the unexpected intimacy of the moment.
“Are—” she chocked, her voice barely above a whisper as she coughed it out, “are you okay? You took a while.”
“Yeah, I’m just having a hard time drying up my hair with one arm,” Bucky reassured her, chuckling lightly at his dilemma as he let the towel around his neck drop.
He was completely oblivious to the way he just made her face burn up as her thoughts spiraled out of control.
“Come.” She took Bucky’s hand in hers, careful not to squeeze his palm, and led him outside to their bed.
It took Bucky a second to move his feet, but when he did, he felt like he was being carried on top of a cloud.
She felt herself drawn to him in a way she couldn’t quite explain, her heart pounding with a mixture of nervousness, curiosity and… desire. A new sensation was tingling all over her body, specifically in places she didn’t need to be tingling right now.
Positioning herself between his parted legs, she reached to take the towel from around Bucky’s neck.
His eyes watched her, surprise flickering in them as he realized what she was going to do, unable to believe what was happening.
Sensing her nervousness, Bucky offered her a reassuring, grateful smile, silently encouraging her to continue.
And as she began to carefully pat his damp hair dry, her touch tentative and her eyes focused, he felt warmth welling up inside him.
She couldn’t help but steal glances at his bare shoulder and chest, her cheeks burning with embarrassment at the engrossing sight. It was a feeling unlike anything she has ever experienced before, her heart racing with unparalleled excitement.
The awkwardness of the situation began to fade bit by bit as she focused more on the task at hand, in its place growing an overwhelming sense of closeness and familiarity.
Bucky’s hair was so soft under her fingertips as she took the towel up and down the brown locks. She wished she had given herself a chance to touch it more before.
As she finished drying her orc’s hair, she met his gaze with a shy bite of her lip, her eyes sparkling with newfound confidence.
Bucky reached out to take her hands, his smile appreciative as his lips pressed a deep kiss on each palm, silently thanking her for her kindness and care.
~
“I didn’t know your cooking was so good. You surprise me every day,” Bucky praised, as she filled his mouth with more lentil soup, trying not to think of his conversation with Sam or the way his body was still on fire from the mere act of her drying his hair for him.
He couldn’t even believe she was feeding him after seeing him struggle to keep the food on his spoon using his left hand.
“All the girls at the orphanage know how to cook. They teach us all sorts of things and make us to be good housewives,” she replied, suddenly nostalgic of her days at the orphanage, curious to know how, where and when Bucky got the chance to see her back then.
Bucky didn’t say anything, busying his mouth with chewing some bread as his smile shrank.
She didn’t look happy. Why did she stay then? Was she planning on running away at night that day? Maybe she put something in the food?
“I’m glad you like your dinner though,” she said, breaking the thick silence with a soft smile as she fed the orc a piece of chicken.
“Why didn’t you try to leave today?” Bucky couldn’t hold back.
She was taken aback by his question. She thought he wanted her here.
Was he finally done? Did he want her out? Was he not going to look for her this time? Has Bucky given up on her? Was he going to leave her be had she gotten out today?
Most importantly, she didn’t know how to answer because it seemed like she was done running away from her new life with him, and she didn’t know if she could admit that.
“I– did you want me to?” She asked, her voice strained as she tried to hold in the tears.
“No! No, of course not!” He assured her quickly.
“Then?” She chewed on her lip.
“I don’t want you to stop running if it makes you feel alive,” Bucky told her, his blue eyes gushing with love he didn’t intend to show, “I’m willing to go to the ends of the earth to find you.”
“What?” She wasn’t expecting this at all, all the tingles she had hardly managed to shake off after drying Bucky’s wet hair coming back to attack her.
How were these words coming out of an orc! And why did they make her heart stutter in its beats?
“I love your fiery spirit and I’m afraid I’m killing it by keeping you here against your wishes. I never want to be the one to snuff your fire out.” Bucky admitted, eyes sincere as he watched her.
She just stared at him for a moment, stunned as her heart skipped yet another beat.
If he only knew that he was the one who had managed to bring this fiery personality to life.
Bucky respected her silence and went back to enjoying his dinner, not wanting to push her for a reply. She could take her time.
She kept staring at him in confusion for another minute before taking her almost untouched plate and getting up.
She almost ran to the kitchen with her hand on her heart.
What was going on with her? Her heart wasn’t seriously beating this loud for the orc. Could it be?
He sounded so selfless and spoke so gently like he has never before and she was overwhelmed.
His words were doing things to her that she has never felt before. What was wrong with her?
She knew she had caught herself staring at him without a shirt just minutes ago, maybe admiring his eyelashes as he slept in some early mornings, but she rendered it curiosity and nothing more.
She shook her head, her thoughts startling to her as she emptied her plate in the garbage and started washing it vigorously.
Bucky no longer had an appetite, sighing at her reaction.
He told himself he could understand, but it was still hurtful the way she jumped out of her chair.
He left his plate on the table, not wanting to invade her privacy by going to the kitchen before leaving the cottage altogether.
He probably shouldn’t have said anything.
~
She revisited the subject the same afternoon though, not wanting there to be any misunderstandings between her and Bucky. Not any longer.
“I don’t wanna leave anymore,” she admitted timidly, making Bucky’s smile betray him and his usual frowning.
“But I don’t like being locked away in here all day either,” she said carefully, scared to upset him.
“Where do you wanna go? The forest is dangerous, little human.” Bucky was back to frowning at the thought of anything bad happening to her again.
It was torture for him when her foot was still healing and he was the most relieved when it finally did. He couldn’t just let her roam around when she didn’t know the area.
“Take me out when you come back from work maybe? Or even on your day off,” she suggested, desperate to see the world.
“And go where?”
“Anywhere. We can walk around the woods before it gets dark, you could show me your shop, I could meet Sam? Or we could even go to the market!” She suggested eagerly.
She has been locked up for so long and she didn’t want to continue her life like this.
Bucky actually thought about it and he didn’t hate the idea. Taking her out with him would ensure her safety. He would be by her side and he would protect her. He also liked the thought of taking her out and properly courting her even if she didn’t know that that was what he was doing.
He said he didn’t want to kill her spirit by keeping her in here and she gave him the solution.
“Okay.” Bucky nodded at her with a smile.
“Okay?” She exclaimed happily, not believing Bucky would actually take her out to see around.
“Okay.” He nodded again reassuringly, her happiness making him laugh.
“Well, don’t you have tomorrow off?” She asked suggestively, gesturing to his hand.
Bucky laughed, nodding, “put your shoes on.”
“Thank you, Bucky.” She involuntarily gave his healing hand a squeeze, kissing his cheek before running to get her shoes.
Bucky swallowed hard, hoping he would be able to hold himself together and not completely melt under her sweet company.
“You’ve got to promise me though,” he said.
She looked at him questioningly as she slipped one foot into a shoe.
“No running away, little human.”
“No running away. Promise.” She promised, shaking her head with a shy smile.
Bucky smiled big, taking her smaller hand in his as she grabbed her basket in the other, ready to browse the market with her husband.
Her husband. That was starting to sound unquestionably comforting.
“Oh, and one more thing.”
“What?” She tilted her head with a grin.
“You owe me a kiss,” Bucky said, his tone serious.
“No, I don’t! If anything, I just gave you an extra kiss!”
“Yes, you do. From that morning. You’re still one kiss behind!”
“I just made up for it!”
“Doesn’t count. That one covers the night before.” Bucky shrugged, a smile etched on his lips.
“Okay, fine.” She kissed Bucky’s cheek, “stop going around saying other girls’ names though.”
Bucky laughed, “I only know one!”
“Still too many,” she whispered under her breath, but Bucky heard it, smiling from ear to ear as he took his hand in hers, taking the right path out of the woods. ~ It was a beautiful afternoon, full of warm sunshine and fruitful deals. She has got some pretty good stuff for really good prices.
She couldn’t believe Bucky actually gave her pocket money.
He didn’t want her to have to ask him for money every time something caught her eye. He wanted her independent, fulfilled and brave as she bought herself whatever her heart desired.
Her heart was so full and her smile was inerasable.
Bucky didn’t let go of her hand all day and she actually liked it so much that she never complained. The feel of his calloused skin against her soft palm wasn’t like anything she has felt before.
She didn’t want to let go of his hand even while looking at the different stands and booths at the market.
But she eventually liked the flower stand too much and told Bucky she would take a look at them while he continued buying them the fruits he was picking.
“Good afteroon,” a smooth voice interrupted her admiration of the potted plants before her, making her look up for a second.
“Good afternoon.” She smiled coyly.
“Any favorites?” The handsome man inside the booth asked her.
“All of them,” she giggled softly, the sound catching Bucky’s ears at once.
The man laughed back, “okay, I think I have something special for you. How about this one?” He brought her a purple flower from the batch hidden behind him inside the booth.
“Oh, how beautiful! What is this one?” She wondered, amazement sparkling in her eyes at the sight of the pretty petals.
“That is a Globemaster Allium. Pretty, isn’t she?” He asked, staring at her desirously as she looked at the flower.
“Yes, she’s stunning!”
“I’m Cole by the way—”
She heard Bucky clear his throat next to her and looked up at once, the innocent awe in her eyes softening the orc a little.
“Look, Bucky! Isn’t this the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” She pointed to the flower pot excitedly.
Bucky leaned in, his frown scaring her a little, her breath hitching when his lips tickled the shell of her ear, “no, little human, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
She chocked on her own saliva, hiding her hot face with her hand as she coughed, “Bucky!” She whined with a shy smile.
Where did that come from!
“Let’s go,” Bucky said with a nod of his head, eyes stern as he glared at Cole.
“Can—” She held his wrist, “can I have it?” She asked softly, gesturing to the flower pot.
Bucky wanted to say no. He didn’t want her to have this farmer’s flower. But he couldn’t say no to those hopeful, beautiful eyes of hers.
“Fine.” He watched her get the money out of her pocket and she smiled gratefully as she almost set them down on Cole’s counter.
“It’s on the house,” Cole said, still smiling dreamily at her.
She could all but swallow as she gave a polite smile back before looking up at Bucky for help.
“Take your goddamn money.” Bucky made a quick job of paying for the flower, taking the money from her and slamming it on the counter, making the whole booth shake.
He quickly took his wife home, deciding that was enough socialization for the both of them for the day.
She wasn’t going to lie, she was loving jealousy on her orc. It felt so intoxicating to have someone love her so much that he was jealous of other men talking to her.
She wouldn’t tell Bucky, but she would probably spend the nights of the next week smiling at the wall every time she remembered how he held her hand back home just a little bit tighter that day.
Her own heart was running wild at the sight of the orc now and she didn’t want it any other way.
~
“Now you know how it feels,” she teased with a smile as they were getting ready for bed.
Bucky couldn’t let it go, talking about how they were never going to stop by that farmer’s flower booth ever again.
“That’s not the same! I was never into Sarah! But that man was openly ogling you!” Bucky grumbled, his frown digging deep into the skin of his forehead.
“He was just being nice, trying to sell his flowers,” she laughed, upsetting Bucky even more.
How couldn’t she see it? The guy was all over her!
“He was flirting and you were all giggles and blushes.” Bucky copied her, going to the bed and burying himself under the covers, facing the wall.
He understood now why she had done that.
“Hey, that’s my spot!” She joked, not knowing if Bucky was being serious.
“Not tonight,” he murmured from underneath the covers.
“Bucky,” she whined, uncovering her orc’s face.
Bucky didn’t reply, pushing himself closer to the wall.
She tried to bring him on his back by the shoulder like he so easily did her a couple of night ago, but he was too strong for her and his body wouldn’t budge.
She huffed, “okay, you left me no choice.”
Bucky remained still, wanting to see what she meant by that as he felt her shift behind him.
Before he knew it, she was on top of his bicep, trying to slot herself between his body and the wall.
“What on earth—”
“You started it, Bucky!” She said, voice determined as she kept pushing, trying to squeeze herself in the small space accessible.
Bucky looked at her in amusement for a second before moving back, making her body drop as larger space became available.
She landed with the tiniest “ouff” on the mattress, facing Bucky on her side with her back to the wall, its coolness helping soothe the heat rising to the surface of her skin.
That was the closest she had been to Bucky since their hug the night of his injury, face to face as his passionate sapphire eyes watched hers.
“Hi,” she whispered, heart in her throat.
“Hi,” Bucky replied with a charming smile, smoothing some of her ruffled strands back in place.
She stared at the orc’s eyes, not the slightest bit scared of the fact that she was trapped against the wall by his huge body.
“You’re not the only one who wants to be loyal to this marriage, Bucky,” she said, surprising Bucky and herself, “I don’t want the farmer. I don’t want anyone else.” but you.
Bucky smiled in disbelief, taken aback by her words, and she took it as permission to move closer to his chest. He instinctively wrapped her up in a protective hug, wondering how he was able to hold himself back from kissing her.
She pushed her face into her orc’s chest, his scent and warmth engulfing her into a protective bubble.
She couldn’t believe she said the words she has just said and it made her bury her burning face deeper in Bucky’s arms.
He could only hug her tighter, his nose in her sweet-smelling hair as his smile grew bigger.
This moment right there was everything Bucky has ever wished for. He could die a happy orc right then and there.
~
It became a habit for them to go out to the village on Bucky’s day off. They were both having a great time, getting closer and falling harder.
Cole hasn’t spoken to her again after learning that the snow orc was actually her husband, and she respected Bucky’s feelings and never approached Cole’s booth no matter how pretty the plants on his stand were.
Market outings were their thing now and she wasn’t going to let anything ruin that.
She didn’t want anyone else’s attention but Bucky’s anyway. His hand has almost fully healed and she could now squeeze it all she wanted whenever she got excited about anything they encountered.
One thing did occur that annoyed her though and that was the way the jewelry lady would look at her every time she and Bucky would pass by. The woman had so much pity in her eyes when she saw her hand in an orc’s and she hated it.
She despised the way people misjudged her orc when he was far better than any human man she could’ve ever ended up with.
Yet, the lady kept giving her those pitiful looks, probably thinking Bucky had enslaved her or something.
But enough was enough.
When Bucky was busy looking at the knives, she made her way to the jewelry lady, determined to put an end to the ridiculousness.
“He is my husband,” she sternly told the lady in the jewelry stand, taking the chance that Bucky wasn’t listening.
“Oh.” The lady quickly gave a kind smile, turning from concerned about her to happy for her, “I apologize for misjudging you, dear. I was only worried about you. We’ve all heard stories about him.”
“Well, that’s all they are. Stories.” She ferociously defended, her eyes still stern.
“I’m sorry,” the woman sincerely expressed her regret, squeezing her hand.
She nodded with a small smile, accepting the older woman’s apology.
“I don’t see a ring on your hand.” The jewelry lady gestured to the collection of rings in her glass box with a wink.
“Oh.”
The sentence caught Bucky’s ears as he turned away to look at her embarrassed face.
“We didn’t get time to buy one. It all happened so quickly,” she explained awkwardly and Bucky’s expression fell.
“I have a pretty collection if you wanna take a look, and don’t worry about the price,” the older lady suggested kindly.
“No, it’s okay—”
“Choose what you like, sweet thing,” Bucky whispered to her, immediately by her side when he saw her eyes skimming over the jewelry, “I’m sorry I’m not familiar with the human marriage traditions. I should’ve gotten you one sooner.”
“It’s okay, Bucky. You don’t have to,” she reassured with a tender smile.
She didn’t need a ring to know that she was Bucky’s.
“I want to. I want you to wear my ring, little human.” Bucky raised her hands to his lips, placing the softest kisses on her each finger.
Her heart surged as a shy smile spread on her lips, heat rising to her cheeks.
“Okay.” She nodded happily, feeling like she was in a dream and she never wanted to wake up.
Though very expensive, Bucky ended up buying her the ring she chose. It was the prettiest gold ring with a moss agate blue diamond.
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She tried to talk him out of it, wanting to pick something cheaper, but Bucky wouldn’t have it.
She has never felt as special as she felt with Bucky’s ring on her finger. It was the prettiest thing from the most handsome orc.
And in that very moment, she was the happiest that she trusted her gut; that she gave Bucky, and herself a chance for this marriage to be something more than a contractual deal.
Bucky couldn’t believe she has finally let him make her his. When he slipped that ring on her tiny finger, he felt like he was king of the world.
While walking back to their cottage, a new dream got unlocked inside of her, one that included her and Bucky and their very own little stand in the market.
“Can we stop by the shop before we go home?” She asked tentatively.
“Sure, why? Did you forget something there yesterday?”
She has been to the shop a couple of times, curious to meet the important people in Bucky’s life and possibly have friends of her own, too.
“No, just wanna show Sarah the ring,” she said, a shy smile lighting up her happy face.
Bucky brought her hand to his lips, kissing her ring finger this time, “to the shop it is.”
~
Everything was going amazingly and she wished with all her heart that it would stay that way, but unfortunately, the very next day was a day for another fight that none of them saw coming.
Bucky still hasn’t recovered from her little stunt a few weeks ago and today he came back to find the cottage empty again.
He should have locked the door. He shouldn’t have trusted that a ring on her finger might stop her old habits or give her a magical change of heart.
What about all the small moments she had shared? Did those mean nothing to her?
Bucky’s anger and feeling of betrayal wiped away everything nice that had happened between the two of them, only remembering that she never wanted to be here in the very first place.
“Why are you so adamant about making me lose my mind?” Bucky asked, pushing her inside and slamming the door behind them.
“I’m not! Would you just listen?!” She yelled back, startled by the harsh treatment.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Bucky shouted as if he didn’t hear her.
“I was just—”
“Wandering through the forest alone is dangerous, I’ve told you time and again, and yet you keep doing it!”
“Would you listen to me?!” 
“No! You acted like you would stop running, so what changed?!” Bucky threw his big arms in the air, making her take a step back.
Bucky looked bigger than he usually did when he was livid like that.
“I wasn’t running!” She repeated, her voice tinged with anger of her own at the distrust.
“Stop lying!” Bucky growled, roughly grabbing her by the arm.
“I’m not lying,” she insisted as she tried not to wince at the way Bucky held her forearm, her jaw clenched defiantly.
“Then what were you doing up the hill, huh?” Bucky unconsciously squeezed her arm harder.
“You’re hurting me.” She tried to pull away, but Bucky wouldn’t release her.
“You think you’re the only one who has fucking feelings?” Bucky shook her in his hold, unintentionally bruising her further.
She cried out but it fell on deaf ears, “Bucky, let me go!”
“Do you think what you do doesn’t affect me just because I’m not a goddamn human?!” He forced her closer, making her tears fall as he barked in her face.
His words hung heavy in the air, echoing through the spacious room.
“Bucky, please,” she tried again, not wanting to fight anymore.
Bucky finally listened, suddenly shocked at his actions as he let her arm go.
It’s been so long since he had made her cry and he just ruined everything good he had worked on building with her.
She just stood there, whimpering in pain as she held her arm to her chest.
Bucky watched her roll the sleeve of her winter dress up to look at her arm and there they were: thick fingerprints on her flesh.
“I— I’m sorry,” he whispered, trying to get closer to look at her arm, swallowing hard.
To his surprise, she let him.
“I’m sorry, little human.” Bucky wiped a few of her tears away, regret evident in his voice.
“I wasn’t running,” she repeated, pushing her hands in the pockets of her dress, “I was collecting berries to decorate the cake I made earlier.” She pulled handfuls of now ruined wild strawberries, raspberries and blackberries out of her pockets and dropped them on the wooden table for him to see.
She left Bucky alone to stare at the berries and went to the kitchen.
And boy did he stare.
He felt so stupid and ashamed at the way he had reacted. He just hurt her and she wasn’t even trying to leave. He wouldn’t let her explain either and had unjustly judged her.
She got out a cold water bottle from the fridge, pushing it to her bruised arm.
Bucky walked into the kitchen, shame branded on his face.
“Are you okay?” He asked, not knowing what to do to correct his mistake.
“What do you think?!” She irritably snapped at him, waving her bruised arm in the air.
“I just wanted to help!” Bucky barked back.
“Well, I don’t want your help!” She shouted.
“Fine! Don’t want it!” Bucky walked out, his feet stomping on the wooden floors.
He stormed out of the cottage, violently slamming the door behind him.
Bucky then realized what he has just done and how he had made the situation even worse. He kicked a rock so hard he was sure it flew to the other side of the forest as he saw birds flying disruptively.
“Damn it!” He yelled out loud, slamming his fist to the door, making her flinch inside the cottage.
The fight between the orc’s rough exterior and his rather tender feelings for her was torturing Bucky. What he meant to show was that he cared about her and was worried for her, but instead he’d done what he’d done.
She, on the other side of the wall, irately got out of the kitchen with the trash bin and swept the berries from the table, throwing them in the garbage.
When Bucky got inside again, she was cleaning the stain of the berries from the table, her features still twisted in a frown.
He opened his mouth, trying to think of anything he could say to fix this, but nothing came out. With a sigh, he left the cottage once more, leaving her all alone.
She sat down with a huff, throwing the cloth in her hand across the room.
She let her tears run in frustration.
It was supposed to be a peaceful night where they enjoyed a delightful desert that she has worked hard on making and was going to work hard on decorating.
She was trying to start a life with him. Why did he have to ruin it like that? She wasn’t running. How could she make him believe her?
She desperately wanted, needed Bucky to trust her.
She cried harder, feeling helpless in the face of her orc’s rage as her heart clenched at the thought of a happiness gone so soon.
Part V
~
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paper-mario-wiki · 2 months
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you do such a good job passing! any tips?
thank you, i appreciate that! i dont have a ton of tips since ive only been at it for a little over half a year, and im kinda flying by the seat of my pants cuz i dont have a lot of people i talk to day-to-day about presentation. pretty much everything ive figured out by myself and with youtube tutorials. regardless, heres a few i can think of:
don't be afraid to go to a makeup store and ask for advice. i brought a picture of myself i put through faceapp to give me makeup, and i showed it to the ladies at sephora, who were able to get me exactly what i was looking for. theres a world of difference between a face full of makeup, and a face full of makeup that's slightly the wrong shade, and it's good to get the opinions of experts.
try to look at the other women in your family and see how they style themselves, or do their makeup, or even how they speak or carry themselves. finding a look that works isn't somethin that you can fall into super easily, you have to go searching for it. try to model yours after the people who literally share your genes and therefore your features. (note, the opposite is equally usable for transmascs, look at your brothers, fathers, and uncles)
spend time in the mirror seeing what looks right. comb your hair in different directions, part it in a different place, put a clip in, dye it a different color, etc. put on makeup and then take it all off, then put on way too much and only take half of it off. learn the muscle memory of holding a liquid eyeliner pen in your non dominant hand and tracing it across the eyelid on the opposite side of your face without twitching your eye. nobody will see you, you're in your own bathroom. with the resources you have, treat the Bathroom Fit Check like you're customizing a character in a videogame.
look for your angles! i wish i could look good at every angle, but i don't, and vanishingly few people actually do. i spent a lot of time looking at myself in my front-facing phone camera from different directions and thinking "fuck im never going to pass, i really dont look great. is this even worth it?" and no matter how much doubt i had, in the long run the answer ended up being yes, it is worth it. that's kinda how hard things are: they suck until they don't anymore.
this one is really simple and may not apply to you, but fix your posture. seriously. when i started standing up straight for a few weeks i noticed an change in how i looked and carried myself (and my back doesnt hurt as much now)
come to terms with the fact that a lot of women look like men, and a lot of men look like women. the idea that all men look one way and all women look the other is an propagandstic invention of the state that should not be taken seriously. (note: this tip works only inwardly as a facet of self actualization. no matter what, you will always run into people who buy into the propaganda. to the best of your ability, pay them no mind.)
im sorry i cant give you anything more, but thats kind of a big question to answer, so i hope this helps!
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