#im glad im done with our relationship. at this point i cant even pretend to be friendly when i see her. she just keeps doing shitty stuff

[be-good-to-bugs]

all i ever wanna do is sleep but my body wont even let me have at least a normal amount

[unconsciouscelestial]

Bone-afide Buddy

for @smitemight Sorry this took so long! Things have been busy. I really hope you like it~       What a week you had been having. Work had been absolutely horrible, and you were reminded that it was thanksgiving- which you felt obligated to go to. To make matters even worse, the date you were going to bring broke it off two days ago. You just knew that if you didn’t have a date, your step-cousin Sarah was going to spend the whole night bragging about her relationship and purposefully making your lack of a partner topic of discussion. You couldn’t stand her fakeness most days but she was always particularly awful at family gatherings.

       So now you found yourself posting a profile on a dating app with the clear instructions you were only looking to make friends for a family event. It didn’t take long before you got a private message.

[Stretch: hey. sounds like you could use a bone-afide buddy]

Was that a skeleton pun? Why would he...? You checked his profile and almost fell out of your chair laughing. He was a skeleton! It was definitely a pun. Even better! Sarah vehemently hated puns. You skimmed over his profile, already pretty sure he would be perfect. Apparently he had brother he was super proud of, and he looked fairly laid back. You messaged him back no hesitation in your mind at this point.

[you: Tibia honest, I really could. Are you really willing to pretend to be my date?]

[Stretch: well when you think about it, its still a date, just platonic. no one needs to know that though. do you wanna hang out first sometime before thanksgiving so its less awkward and we're past first meeting? make it less obvious?]

[you: oh hey yeah that's a great idea actually! Do you have anything in mind?]

[Stretch: there is a sweet cafe that I frequent, its pretty relaxed and I think youd like it]

[you: sure! How about you text me the details and we will go from there? Xxx-xxxx]

The two of you spent the rest of the day texting back and forth asking each other questions and setting up plans to hang out. Thanksgiving was coming up soon, so getting together had to be sooner. The two of you arranged a day and time and you went to bed satisfied with how things were turning out.

           Later that week the two of you met up at a place called Muffet's. It was a lovely cafe, run by an attractive spider monster and little monster spiderlings. You spotted Stretch at the sitting counter chatting away to whom you presumed was Muffet. You thought you were early, only to discover that Stretch had already been there for over an hour already. After a somewhat shy greeting, you ordered your fave drink and snack and the two of you sat down at a little two person table by some bookshelves and a few potted plants. The plants had a few cobwebs but it was nice and cozy.      You went over the situation again, making sure that he knew he had the opportunity to back out at any time. He just chuckled, “hey its all good. we've all  bean there, and I don't mind helping out a new friend”

You covered your mouth in an attempt to hide your laughing. “Did you just??” Stretch just nodded and winked, popping a sucker in his mouth.          Once you had composed yourself, the two of you chatted about your family and little details. Once everything was settled you moved on to asking questions about each other. Stretch told you proudly about his brother, and a little about what it had been like on the surface for them. Before you knew it, the streetlights were flickering and you decided it was best to call it a night. You could always continue texting. The two of you parted ways, and as you watched him walk away down the side walk you grinned wide and called out.

“Hey, Stretch?” He turned his head to acknowledge you.

“Thanks a latte, it really means a lot,” you smiled. He chuckled deep, you blinked and he was gone.

        The two of you spent the rest of the week texting back and forth, and playing video games together on your fave console. Thanksgiving came quicker than you had anticipated but you woke that day mostly excited. On the radio ‘I do Adore’ was playing and you got ready with a bounce in your step. Stretch was fun to hang out with, and you kinda missed him? You cleaned up and upon checking the weather, (it was actually going to be a warmish and sunny day today) decided on bright pink shorts, a green tank top and for good measure you threw on your big light yellow sweater. After grabbing something to eat for breakfast you gathered all your things, (keys, phone, wallet, check!) you put on your light purple sneakers and headed out the door. You figured you would wait on your front steps for Stretch to arrive. It was a nice enough day. He pulled up in a honey gold two door sedan and popped open the passenger door from inside. As you got in, you noticed in the back seat were a few bags with snacks and a large couple bottles of honey. You eyed him questioningly and he chuckled lightly.

“Figured it was a bit of a drive, just in case you got munchy before we got there. Didnt know if you had time for breakfast or not,”

     You mentally squealed, that was super thoughtful, even though you had already eaten. You told him as much and he just nodded, turning on the radio. You didn't object, but you kinda grinned when you noticed the orangish hue that had gathered just on his nasal ridge. Apparently he had put on a playlist since Final Girl by Graveyardguy came on, and  that was definitely not top 40. You turned it up, and he looked over at you inquisitively.

“Its one of my favourites right now,” you shrugged. You were glad that you had already sent him directions, sometimes trying to guide someone by memory was a pain in the ass. The two of you enjoyed the rest of the ride there, it wasnt too long of a drive.       When you arrived, you jumped out of the car eager to stretch your limbs a bit. You waited by the front steps for Stretch, as he parked and locked the car. As you were waiting Sarah threw open the door.

“Ohhhhh y/n! You're here! Isnt that lovely,” she drawled out, pulling you into a very obvious fake hug. You stiffened like a board but let her do it anyway, awkwardly patting her on the back. “Yep. Im here. Yaaaay.” you retorted with a hint of sarcasm.

“Oh! But where is that guy you were seeing? Grams said you were bringing him?” she smiled mischievously, looking around you pointedly. You coughed, and pulled yourself out of her grasp.

“Yes, well you see-” you started, when Stretch's voice called out like a beacon.

“He bailed on our girl quite some time ago, so I'm the date.” He stated, pointing to a pin of a date on his sweater. When you noticed what it was you covered your mouth to hide the fact you felt like cackling. He putting his hand out to shake Sarah’s and she recoiled with a fake smile.

“Ohhh yesss. Well I see. I think I hear my fiancé calling, but please the two of you come inside.” she backed up and practically ran inside. You had to stifle a laugh. You muttered a thanks, and he whispered no problem. As soon as you stepped inside you were practically bombarded by children. A few were pulling you into the living room, some wanted you to come out back. Stretch kneeled down and beckoned them close, whispering something. They all ran off screaming and laughing into the yard, giving you some space and time to breathe.  

“What on earth did you say to them?” you asked while clutching your sides laughing. He grinned in response.

“That’s for me to know, and for you to find out,”

you smirked and let it be for now. You looked around, it was a pretty full house. Your parents, aunts uncles cousins, a couple sets of great uncles and Aunts, and your grandparents too. It seemed whatever Stretch had said, had all the young kids outside in the yard. Some of the older teens were downstairs on their devices and playing video games probably.  Your thoughts were interrupted by your Gram calling you, and Stretch took your hand and let you lead him over.  He introduced himself quite suavely and your grandparents were clearly satisfied. The two of you sat near, and chatted a while. Sarah came in to the sitting room practically dragging her fiancé behind her, and almost shoved him in your face.

“Here Y/n! This is Greg, my fiancé. He is a lawyer, isn’t he just wonderful?” She gushed. The poor guy looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

“Nice to meet you,” you nodded, and he gratefully slid away into a corner beside Sarah's father.

“So. When did you start dating Mr. skeleton?” Sarah asked, plopping herself down beside you. You shifted over a little, but smiled sweetly.

“A couple weeks now, since what’s-his-face dumped me.” You figured most of the truth was a good idea. Stretch just nodded beside you. Sarah just smiled painfully and left you alone, she was clearly not going to get a rise out of you tonight. 

      Your aunt called everyone to the tables for supper, and Stretch led you to the youth table and sat down beside you. You blushed, he had remembered what you told him about thanksgivings past. After everyone at the adult table had said their stories, desert was served. The kids were nonstop telling you and Stretch their stories, and once or twice you caught him looking your way adoringly. It wasn't unpleasant, and actually felt quite natural. Like he just fit. After the meal was done, you let the kids drag you out both outside. You watched them play a few games for a while, leaning into Stretch sleepily. He just leaned back a little and let you doze off on his shoulder. When you awoke, you were laying on your front porch furniture with a note next to you. It read:

hey y/n, you had dozed off hard, so I just took a shortcut to get you home, everyone understood. Thanks for inviting me, I actually had lots of fun. cant wait to hang out again

-stretch

You went inside with the biggest smile on your face, and butterflies in your stomach.

[louisfrecklesss]

LCH [5] | Louisentine

Description: Clementine gets confused with her feelings while she’s spending so much time with Louis, especially after babysitting baby AJ together.

Words: 1,757 

Ship: Clementine x Louis

Warnings: make out session

Genre: Fluff, High School AU

A/N: it’s so fucking cold here in London, yes I live in London for those who don’t know. everyone seems to like this fic better than the other one? at least you like one of them because I don’t like my writing at all aH. anyway, I love you all. thank you for reading!

CHAPTERS

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]

__

It’s been a or two week since Clementine has agreed to this deal with Louis, and not for one second has she thought it was a stupid idea. She could see from hanging out with his friends that they do pick on him a lot, Mitch the most; they’re not bullying him but he is the joke of the group only because he is the lesser of them. Clementine knew that if she was in his shoes she wouldn’t know if she would be as strong as he is.

So, here they all are in the common room of the school. Mitch, Aasim and Marlon sat opposite the couple who were seated on one of the large body bean bags. Clementine sat crossed legged in between Louis legs as he rest his chin on top of her head, her hands held his fiddling with his fingers while she scrolls through her phone with the other. 

“When are your friends getting her, babe?” Louis brushes his thumb over Clementine’s hand to get her attention, the girl switches tabs on her phone to their conversation reading the answer for Louis.

“I think they’ll be here in five, I’m not sure to be honest with you.” She looks up at him meeting eyes with him to which he winks at her causing her to look down smiling. Every time he winks, event though he has done it so many times, it still seems to make Clementine blush like crazy.

Clementine meets eyes with Marlon who is vaping the whole entire room up. “Brody?” His eye brows frown at the question before looking towards the door of the room; just in time, Brody walks into the room with Clementine’s friends. Louis knows them but they haven’t all chilled together as ‘friends’. 

“Baby!” Brody practically screams as she sees Marlon in the far corner, he opens his legs up on his seat inviting her to sit on his lap. It wasn’t too long before they were all over each other.

Aasim turns away from the couple. “Looks like it came straight out of a porno.” Violet, who came in with the rest of Clementine’s friends, high fives Aasim before taking a seat next to him. 

“Oh right, guys, these are my friends. Violet, Sophie an-”

“Ruby!” Clementine is a little shocked when the rest of the boys know who Ruby is. “Darling.”

Ruby giggles when Mitch and Marlon continue to shout her name. “Don’t y’all darlin’ me.” 

“You know each other?” Louis questions.

“We always pretend to be sick so we can pay our little Ruby a visit, right Aasim?” Marlon hits Aasim with his elbow a couple times before he is rewarded with a punch on his arm. “Or is it to see that asian guy that is always sick but never fuckign speaks?”

“James?” Ruby questions sitting on the other side of Aasim who physically tenses in his seat, Louis tap Clementine lightly pointing at Aasim before smiling down at her. Clementine saw what he was talking about and mouthed the ways how cute before engaging back in the conversation. 

“James is pretty fucking hot.” Clementine states nodding her head along with her fake boyfriend. 

“Oh yeah, James has my heart.” Louis clenches his chest and Clementine lifts her hand to high five him behind her. The group just break into a fit of laughs including Aasim himself. It was only recently that Aasim came out about his sexuality so it was hard for him to joke about it still.

“Too bad his gay Clementine.” Mitch adds pointing at the girl who frowns slightly earning a hurt expression from the boy behind her. She tilts her head back looking at him who pecks her lips quickly earning a surprised expression from her, nevertheless, she grins.

Sophie is almost glued to Violet’s side not knowing these people enough to really fit in; Clementine notices this telling her to come sit opposite her which happened to be right next to Mitch. Mitch offers her a small smile to which she returns before saying something to him which Clementine can’t hear, she’s just glad that she has someone to talk too. 

“So, party tonight? My house, everyone has to be there because I said so.” Marlon says standing shortly after, he goes round getting everyone number and adding it to a group chat, not too long after everyone receives his address.

Louis admires his girlfriend as he sees her shaking her head softly. “I don’t do parties.”

“Clementine does not do parties.” Violet says to clarify the point that Clementine just made. Louis did not seem too happy about this, he stood up making Clementine fall back onto the bean bag slightly. 

“No, princess, you have to come.” Clementine smiles to herself before standing up to placing her hands on her hips. 

“Nope, sorry.”

Louis flutters his eyelashes at her, bringing out his puppy dog eyes before moving closer to Clementine. He hopes this works on her because it works on most people, he can even see in the corner of his eye, Violet crumbling and slamming her hand on Aasim’s leg. “Come on Clementine, please.” Clementine looks back at her friend briefly before looking back at him. 

“No.”

Everyone boo’ed and complained as Clementine grabs her stuff and Louis hand. “I have to babysit my baby brother, and you’re going to help me.” She addresses the last part of the sentence to Louis who rolls his eyes gently, following behind the girl. 

“We all know that’s code for sex!” Marlon shouts as they both start to leave the room. 

“Louis is going to have to wait longer than that!”

~

Lee runs around the house picking up all the mess as well as trying to find his car keys, AJ is screaming in his highchair not wanting his Dad to leave him. 

“Daddy, it’s here.” Clementine hands Lee his car keys, he thanks her kissing the top of her head. 

“I’ll be back in an hour, I just really have to finish that paperwork sweetpea.”

“I know Dad, go.” She tries to push him out of the house. 

“And thank you too, Louis.”

“No problem, Paps.” Louis returns to feeding baby AJ who stops crying once the spoons meets his lips; Louis makes funny faces at the baby causing him to giggle almost choking on his own laugh. Clementine loves watching Louis play with AJ and call her Dad ‘Paps’. It makes it so real, a little too real. But she never bring up the fact that this isn’t real because she wants to feel like it is even when it isn’t.

“Everyone is going to be there, and I have to go because it’s my bro’s party. Open up AJ, woosh.” Louis guides the food into AJ’s mouth before turning to Clementine for a reply.

She sighs before laying down on her couch. “Fine, but I swear to go you can’t leave me alone Louis.” 

He turns to her almost jumping up and down. “Of course I won’t babe, thank you so much. You’re amazing. Isn’t she amazing AJ? She’s so great right?”

Clementine smiles at them closing her eyes to rest slightly, without Louis she would have had to babysit AJ all by herself and she’s been so stressed and tired from school she just can’t function. She’s unsure of how long she’s been laying there with her eyes closed but Louis joins her on the couch laying beside her with half of his body on top of her due to the lack of space. 

“AJ is sleeping, I put him to bed.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you Lou.” Clementine opens her eyes to meet Louis staring at her; she can see all his freckles up close, even the opens that overlap each other creating and even bigger freckle. Louis could see that Clementine was avoiding his eyes, he wants her to look at him even though she was but not at him. His hand grabs her cheek brushing thumb against it slightly, her eyes flutter shut slowly enjoying the feeling. 

“No, look at me.” Louis whispers against her skin, she doesn’t listen at first until he says it again this time in a more demanding tone. As soon as he eyes meet his, she slams her lips against his;. this is the second time that they have shared a kiss during this entire relationship. But it’s the first time that they’ve kissed because they wanted too and not because someone was coming and they had too, like the first time. 

Louis’ hand grips her face firmly as he pulls her into the kiss more, the uncomfortable position makes Louis move on top of her instead. Clementine’s arms wrap around his neck pushing him onto her to the point that if it was any further than it would stop her breathing. They pull away from a second only to get air before Louis mouth is on her neck, leaving soft kisses everywhere. A soft breathe of air leaves Clementine’s lips as she bits her lips, one leg moves around Louis waist as she moves him back to her lips. 

Clementine’s hands grab onto his shirt pulling him in closer, Louis lets out a small groan feeding more into her lips. She parts her lips asking for more to which he gives her, it wasn’t just a dry kiss anymore as their tongues met each other. Clementine could barely control her breathing before the front door slams open and Louis rolls off Clementine almost as quickly as he rushes towards the kitchen. 

Lee walks in with his back turned towards the door trying to get all the shopping bags into the house. “Hey kids, I did some shopping.”

Clementine is breathing heavy trying to compose herself and reply to her father; Louis can see that she is no state to reply muttering the best response he can. 

“That’s great Paps.” He shouts from the kitchen taking down a large amount of water from the glass in his hand. 

“W-we’re, um, going to a party Dad. Don’t wait up!” Clementine grabs her coat and rushes out of the house. Lee looks to Louis for an explanation, who has a red face, shrugs his shoulders and rushes after Clementine.

[deuce-duce]

My mind runs like no other. It doesn't help when the really unhappy cashier at the gas station who wants to be a doctor talks trash to you.. like wtf did I do to you?? Where does this all begin and end, like really?? Wtf!! Perspective moment. Let's say I do what everyone cant say to my face but comments snidely... because they dont understand how I can still be happy... or some bullshit honestly its a mystery to me but lets say I leave. All thats going to do, is start this cycle all over again. I really appreciate your concern but I think i might be here to stay... Someone told me when I first arrived that I may have broken down here for a reason... Isn't it fun finding out who your conspirators are?? because everytime you say something to me designed to in your eyes, get under my skin... it gives me that little push to keep going and being me. Because the fact that im happy by just being myself is what bothers you. I must be doing something right to have so many haters... because although quiet, your snide remark or comment is almost like i hear you cheering for me!! Whether you are or not! You see for the longest time I never realized that some things really are all about perspective. Its not my fault that your views or your perspective was altered in a way to make feel the way you do. Believe me though if i can change my views on something as fucked as this then I know you can too. believe... me its not fucking easy. But very possible and freeing so don't give up!!

One of the Number 1 industries America maybe even the world is pornography whether you admit to watching or not is really of no importance to me. But it didn't get as big as it is by nobody indulging in it. Now, do I participate? You better fucking believe it! Until that mythical creature comes along and proves me wrong and we get married hopefully. Pornography will be my go to! I've been set up and torn apart too many times involving the opposite sex that me embarking on the journey of giving it another shot just doesn't seem feasible or worth it. I mean granted if I burned my hand once or twice id probably keep going but when its involved pretty much every woman you have ever been with you would be crazy to think that wouldn't have some type of lasting impact on someone. Oh and its not always a set up either the other times they give my money or money thats intended for me to the woman im talking to forcing her to hide it from me causing distrust and dishonesty in our relationship causing me to throw the towel in all together. So do I watch porn yes I do. Do I feel justified in doing so...?? Yes I do! And you should too! Because your not hurting anyone other then maybe yourself but in reality doing things like that only hurt me because nobody pries into your life trying to find ways to justify them destroying who and what you are... but "they just can't kill the beast" if you would like to get my attention "can you read between the lines...? Can you tell which way the wind blows?? Its that easy and its all laid out in plain English.

On a positive note I met some really cool people today. I think one was just being nice because well everybody likes people to think they are someone different then who they really are... i unfortunately don't get that luxury but in all honesty am glad I don't. What you see is what you get when it comes to me not that i have any choice in the matter... but I would hate knowing that i have to pretend to be a good person because in reality im a piece of shit! That would fucking suck!! one person in particular though was pretty cool and although a short interaction I hope we get a chance to talk again. "Always finding the negative in positive situatiins... its sad huh" (NF)just saying im flawed, broken, and damaged but not to the point where im going to just give up. Now in your eyes I may have already done that but one song that reels me back in when I feel like I've been crushed for not being just another stock on the shelf is Shadow by none other then SOJA! Aroma and The Harvest by Tribal Seeds keep me going as well. Because "you have to stay positive in such a negative 🌎" (Dan Kelly - Fortunate Youth)

[fatesinthenight]

Silver's Suit

Silver has everything ready. He put on his best suit and looked at himself in the mirror. "You are the Silver Shepard... you can do anything. You are the best hero ever. You have fought crime. Remember the rhino... but I cant ask someone out." Sliver hangs his head in defeat.

Today was the day he takes you to the convention and he felt like he was walking of pins and needles. He had been talking to you for awhile on a chat for comic book fans. You two hit it off instantly gushing about anything hero related. The others were worried Silver would be catfished at one point and Google looked up your information and found out you were really who you were, at this point Google is used to looking up people. Now he was trying to peptalk himself to no success.

"Silver you ok in there? You have been talking to yourself for the past 2 hours." Ed calls out to Silver from the other side of the door.

"Maybe.... Yes... No." Silver opens the door and sighs. "I think I need to cancel this."

"Come on Silver you can do this. Just go out there and have a good time and in the end of the day just say it." Ed puts his arm around Silver shoulders. "That's all there is to it."

"But I'm not like you guys. You know the last relationship I had didn't go so well so I lost some confidence." Silver saids softly.

"Well that's what happens when you pretend to having an affair with your own self. No offense." Ed pats Silvers shoulder.

"I thought it would get our relationship more fresh but apparently Roxanne preferred me without the suit..." Silver remembers after that she kept wanting him without the suit and to act differently than he usually did. When he wanted to be with her with the suit she didn't want that. Silver began to realize she didn't really love him for who he really is and what he was a hero that feels more comfortable in his suit. It broke his heart and since then he never wanted to take off his suit. It gave him comfort like a security blanket, only time he really took it off was to put on a new one. Even took an intervention from the egos to get him to at least take it off for a shower.

"It's just what if I take off the mask and when they see me they only want me for what's under the mask and not when I have it on... They don't even know im the real Silver." Silver slumps his shoulders.

"Woah wait they don't know who you really are." Ed backs up looking at Silver surprised.

"Ummm yes. Is that a bad thing?" Silver tilts his head.

"Yea it actually is buddy." Ed tugs his suspenders. "Your going to a convention. A big convention with a lot of people. If for some reason you take off your mask and they see you who knows if people will run after you. Darn this good looking face..." Ed sighs.

Mark looks around and feels as if his ego has gotten bigger for some reason. He shrugs and sets up for his next video.

"I know that Ed but that's why I wanted it to be this way. I want them to know me for me and not because of who I am." Silver saids softly. "They only think that I am cosplaying as Silver so I will just play the part ok. You can count on me Ed. I got this. I have faced worst things before." Silver stands confidently.

"Giving Dark Chica a bath does not count as much. But that was a serious battle." Ed still has flashbacks of everyone running scared as the dark pup gave out a deep evil aura and bit anything close to her. Dark watched from a distance smiling and told her she was a good girl.

"I know but still. I will be ok. At least I hope I will." Silver saids fiddling his thumbs.

Willford gives Silver a ride to the convention. He drops him off just a few blocks from it and looks at Silver." Alright here we are scamp. I will get you when your ready just give me a call if anything happens ok?"

"Will I'm not a child. Even if I got lost at Walmart once... and went to ask for help... and Doc found me holding a balloon waiting for him..." Silver saids slumping into his seat.

"Come on Silver chin up man. Go in there and put the moves on your date!!" Willford saids giving Silver a winning smile.

"I don't know. I haven't done this in a long time. And we are still friends so this is not a date. Its just two friends going to look and geek out at some comic books and figures." Silver takes a deep breath.

"Ok but there will still be love in the air. I'm rooting for you." Willford smiles at Silver.

"Thanks Will. Ok here we go." Silver gets out of the car and goes to the meeting spot where you should be at.

Silver looks around the crowd carefully, there really was a lot of people around. He hopes you will see him and looks at his phone seeing your last message. You told him you would be by the railing leading up to the building for the convention. Technically because of Google Silver did find out what you looked like, he said you were so cute. Then he sees you leaning against the railing.

You were looking around trying to find Silver. You look really excited in your jeans and favorite hero shirt. Looking at your phone again you start to worry if Silver couldn't make it. Your finger lingers on the message option but hold off giving him ten more minutes. You were really looking forward to this to hang out with him. When you met on the chart you were so happy to make a new friend. You two would talk for hours to the point where you realized you were in the dark and the sun had set. Even when you were at work you would peek at your phone hoping he was online so you can talk to him. He made you feel better and more comfortable being yourself with. You didn't have a lot of people to talk to about your love for comics and at times were even called out for it saying you were childish. But Silver was different, he let you ramble on about anything without wanting to change the subject or telling you your getting to old for this even if you were still in your twenties. You blush at the thought of finally meeting him.

"Ummm are you (Y/N)?" Silver walks up to you nervously.

"Silver! Wow I cant believe its you!!!" You go up to him and hug him happily.

Silver did not expect that blushed red, glad that he was wearing a mask to cover that fact. He hugs you back. "Im really glad to meet you too."

You realize you just jumped him and you just met him in person. You back away and try not to blush. "O umm sorry about that. I just was really looking forward to finally meet you and here you are. And you know a real person and not a scammer. Not that you are I mean look your here and in the flesh. And who am I to say that when you probably thought I was doing the same thing too. And why wouldn't you cuz it happens a lot and then you know the show Catfish really makes you think but you still do it anyway." You realize you have been rambling the whole time. "Sorry for talking so much I'm just really happy to see you. Even if you are in costume." You smile at him happily.

"No its ok. I really wanted to meet you too." Silver saids returning the smile. "Well lets go."

"Hey I really like your outfit. Silver Shepard right?" You ask.

"Yes actually. Do you know the character?" Silver asks curiously.

"I do. I love Markiplier. I watch his videos all the time. You a fan too?" You look at Silver smiling.

"Ummmm you can say that..." Silver feels his palms sweaty.

Back at the house Willford comes back home and thinks for a second. "Hmmmm that convention sure looked fun..." He gets an idea and runs into the studio. "Bim bust out those sewing machines!!! We are going out today."

[producingnct-blog]

sometimes failure is better than success

jihoon/samuel fake dating au

requested by anon

honestly it all started in the weirdest way

jihoon had been friends for a few months when it happened

it wasn’t their fault that bae jinyoung was literally so pretty

they couldn’t keep their eyes off of him and so they bet on who would get to take him out first

(spoiler alert: none of them did)

jihoon and his group of friends, which consisted of samuel, euiwoong, seonho, gualin and hyungseob, were like the groups of friends that people see in the movies

they had lunch together everyday, they sat next to each other and they told one another everything

jihoon couldnt have asked for a better group of friends, really

but then again... he could

i mean, how was samuel considered a good friend if he insisted on crushing on the same guy as him????

jihoon didnt understand

for all everyone knew, jihoon had been crushing on jinyoung first!

he’d fallen in love as soon as they made eye contact (which in fact, did not happen bc jinyoung was always looking at the ground, but please. let jihoon be happy)

and jihoon had started talking about him to their friends just to be met with “i know right!!!”’s from samuel at everything he said

jihoon, the fucking gemini, had glared at him. “he’s mine, i saw him first.”

to which euiwoong had replied, after taking a bite of hyungseob’s sandwich. “hyung, you do realise he’s not food, right?”

maybe jihoon had ended up blushing a bit, but who was to blame him for that? he quickly shook his head, “thats not what i mean, woong. you know that.” then turned his head to samuel

“cmon sam, for real. i feel like this is my sappy romance story yk. you gotta let me have it.”

“but hyung, i like him too! look, im not gonna dislike him for you and neither will you. its bros before hoes, not bros before ros-”

gualin, at this, perked up “what even is this conversation that does not make any sense”

“yes it does, omg! bros equals friends, ros equals romance between bros ok lemme live jesus! but anyway, we aint gonna budge our asses for one anoter, we might as well fight for it. agaisnt each other”

“what??!???” “are you crazy???” “what the fuc- i mean what????”

jihoon looked terrified, but then he set up his tray a bit closer to him, smirking. “fine. whoever gets to take him out first, gets him. after losing you gotta give him up. and give me 20 bucks as well.”

“why are you saying its me whos gonna lose?? and why do i have to pay you??”

jihoon smiled mischiviously. “duh. because i want, obviously.”

and then it was set

they started playing games, trying to get jinyoung’s attention

samuel would write lyrics to songs he wanted to play to jinyoung

jihoon would daydream about coming up to jinyoung and telling him he wanted him to be his bae 

samuel would start laughing louder, so that he could call for jinyoung’s attention indirectly

jihoon would wear different neon laces everyday to be different and stand out in his crush’s eyes

and yet, jinyoung didnt care for either of them

“ugh, this is so hard jihoon hyung.”

“i know right? he hasn’t even looked in our way at least once”

“what is it that we’re doing wrong??”

“idk sam. maybe we should try to get his attention in another way?”

samuel stopped writing down the answer to his english homework of the day to look up at jihoon, who was wearing a frown on his face

“how so hyung?”

“well, we could try to make him jealous?”

“but how is that even going to work if he doesn’t notice either of us”

jihoon threw his pencil in the table, and rolling his eyes as he sighed

“i dont know okay???? i just want him to look at me and like me back, but he doesnt even know i exist”

“hey hyung... its okay, i get it remember? we’re the same. just... how do you think we can make him jealous then?”

jihoon smiled a bit at that, lifting his head from where he had laid it into his arms, “we could date someone”

“oh. who?”

“well. hyungseob and euiwoong are the only gays from our group of friends that are out, but they’re dating each other. so....”

“so....?”

“sooooo.... we could date each other!”

“WHAT oh my god no way”

jihoon pinched samuel’s arm, making the younger flinch away. “what do you mean no way, you punk! im damn handsome, smart, intelligent and funny! theres nothing not to like!”

“hyung.... get your head out of your ass and listen. i dont wanna date you omg. you literally are so.... annoying sometimes no offense. and you snore when you sleep!”

“omg sam shut the fuck up u idiot. firstly i am not annoying youre just not old enough to understand how real and amazing people like me function. secondly. bitch we aint gonna sleep together what the fuck is wrong with my snoring. you talk in your sleep!”

samuel shook his head. “this is seriously not gonna work hyung, what even went through your mind.”

“an idea, thats what. at least i try to come up with those and help ourselves!!!!!” jihoon sighed once again, throwing his hands up. “so are you in or what? we can give it a try right? for a week or two?”

“ugh. fine but if it doesnt work out im killing both you and myself.”

“wow.... thats sad”

“shut up and study”

it..... didnt work out

but also no one died

“ok. what is happening??” was the first thing that met them when they walked to their lunch table holding hands, gualin was currently staring at them both intensively

“listen. this is not weird i promise but we’re dating.”

“you’re what???????”

“dating, you dumbass.”

euiwoong fixed up his glasses, “when and why and how did this happen. am i in a alternative universe”

“ok what the fuck is so wrong with us loving each other” samuel tried not to gag at jihoon’s words, instead squeezing jihoon’s hand stronger

seonho stopped snacking on a chocolate bar “you have been crushing on jinyoung for weeks remember?”

hyungseob continued, “yeah and why wouldnt you tell us if you liked each other???”

at this jihoon started laughing, “im kidding jeez!!!” he then sat down and mentioned for them to sit closer

“we’re pretending-” “WHAT” “omg shut up gualin youre so loud. we’re pretending to date so that jinyoung will be jealous”

euiwoong sighed “im not even going to care this time around. you two are lost cases.”

hyungseob smiled as he pinched euiwoong’s cheek and jihoon fake vomited “ew. YOU are lost cases stop being so in love”

“you jealous hyung?” “omg shut up seonho”

“anyway woong. i am telling you that you should be more respectful to me. when im married to jinyoung, with kids that are twice your height and with more money than all your three next genarations, i wont remember you punk.”

“GOOD”

“OMG YOU FUCKING- I HATE YOU”

turns out fake dating samuel wasnt soooo bad

they hang out like they used to, the only difference was that they held hands a bit more

it still, however, didnt work for them as jinyoung never looked their way

therefore, ofc the obvious and only solution was for them to take their relationship to the next level and to kiss

they decided on a plan

jihoon would be walking to school and hed pass by jinyoung and smile at him casually, but then he’d fall

samuel would then see and help him up, ask if he was okay!! and then kiss his cheek

it was a good plan, really, it was a good plan BUT

fucking samuel didnt do shit! he stood there looking

which ended up in jinyoung looking up to see what had happened and walking towards jihoon to help him up

jihoon started blushing when jinyoung asked him if he was okay, and jihoon could only nod

at this samuel came closer to the two of them, glaring at jihoon but trying to cover it up with a smile “hey you okay baby?”

jihoon blushed at the pet name, how could samuel call him baby when he was talking with his crush. “im fine”

jinyoung then cleared his throar, “hm. im glad youre okay i should go. see you around i guess...”

“jihoon!!! my name is jihoon”

after jinyoung had left, samuel turned to jihoon “what the hell was that?”

“that do you mean??? you didnt even fucking try to help me. what was THAT???”

“i was... thinking. listen, why didnt you pretend??”

“fuck. because i was actually talking to him! and you had to ruin it all sam omg. cant you fucking let me win? youre such a sore loser.”

“what??? i was doing what you asked hyung! i was pretending.”

“whatever, im done. i dont want to pretend anymore. i got to talk with him alone, not by pretending.”

“what??? but how come you want to pretend and then you dont?!?!?”

“jeez sam dont make it that deep. we played a game, the game is over now. thats it, im gonna keep trying to get jinyoung and so will you”

“but hyung. i thought we were on this together?”

“hm no??? sam, we’re agaisnt each other”

samuel shook his head, rubbing his hands agaisnt each other, “fine.”

“fine!”

when samuel didnt answer, jihoon sighed “goodbye”

“where are you going??? it’s the middle of the day?”

“mind your business”

they didnt talk for two days, damn that gemini stuborn ass

samuel ended up reaching out to jihoon and apologising for overreacting, to which jihoon agreed and also apologised for doing the same

they sorted things out and promised to not let this jinyoung matter ruin their friendship 

everything was really great until jihoon started talking more with jinyoung

jihoon would cross ways with his crush and he’d actually hold his head up long enough to shoot him a smile

they’d say hi to each other if they saw one another

sometimes jihoon would even sit next to jinyoung for a few moments when he was alone

and jihoon was loving it until he noticed that samuel was growing sadder by the days

he was quieting down and focusing more on studying

and he was always avoiding him

jihoon could for the love of god understand why 

and he couldnt not talk about it, so he did ofc

him and samuel talked about it although the younger avoided saying the reason

jihoon let him be for a few more days but once the week mark passed, he got really worried

he thought that maybe it was because samuel was jealous that he’d lost and jihoon even went to the point of talking to him about giving up jinyoung just to let samuel be happy-

when he noticed exactly that. since when did samuel’s happiness become soooo important? sure it was always important, they were friends

but jihoon cared to the point of giving up on his crush just to see samuel happy???? that was new

jihoon then started thinking more about that and even talked to euiwoong about it, who told him that he was thinking of it as something more complex than it really was and that he should just talk with samuel

at first, jihoon didnt get it. but as he started missing his best friend more and more (since when did samuel become his best friend that he missed more than the others???)

he realised something had changed and he decided he really needed to talk with samuel about it

“hey”

“oh. hey hyung” samuel went to leave the bathroom

its not live jihoon purposefully stalked him there just to prove to himself that the younger was in fact avoiding him

“hey wait. we need to talk sam”

samuel shook his head quickly, “we dont. for real i swear im okay”

“i dont believe you. just talk with me please, for a second”

“fine hyung. here?”

“hm.... no, lets go to the seats okay?”

“okay hyung.”

they sat down in the outside of the school, close to each other but not too much

jihoon cleared his throat “ok so, ive been thinking. and listen. i really miss you sam. like ive been talking more and more with jinyoung but less and less with you and i miss you like crazy-”

“oh.”

“yeah. i.... dont know sam. i really miss you, what happened? we were fine but you started avoiding me. is it because i talk with jinyoung more than you? i...i. i could let you meet him. talk for real with him.”

“no, hyung. its not that.”

“really? then what? bc i swear sam, i’d give him up for you to be happy, for real.”

“really hyung? you’d. you’d do that? for m-me? seriously?”

“yeah. of course. is it really not because of that?”

“well. i guess technically it is. but hm. just hear me out and please dont hate me okay?”

jihoon nodded “of course not.”

i dont how or why but ive been feeling different... towards you. i was jealous yes, but then i realised i was jealous not because of jinyoung but because of you... hyung. i wanted to be him. i wanted you to be crushing on me and i know youre not and i know you wont. and im happy for you to be talking with him but. im sorry i just dont feel ready to be your friend right now.”

“oh hm. wow i didnt realise you felt that way. i.”

samuel shook his head, “part of me was hoping youd confess like in the movies yk? im... god im so stupid.”

“hey, dont say that. youre not. im too perfect, you cant resist me i get it-”

“not now hyung, please.” and the way samuel’s voice sounded so broken. it left jihoon speechless and at the same time wanting to scream out everything at the world.

“sam. im sorry i really am i didnt know you felt that way. i...”

“its okay hyung. i myself only realised when i talked with woong-”

“wait you talked with him too?”

“what? you talked with him?”

“yeah i asked for his help-”

“about what?”

“ohh. hm. oh. i.”

jihoon completely spaced out and he felt like he was in a movie. he felt like a character that just understood everything at once, like a stupid girl that didnt realise she liked her best friend over her crush. like a fool

“i wow sam.”

“what hyung? are you okay??????”

“jesus christ im dumb”

“i know. tell me something new.”

“bitch shut up listen i.... like you too omg- i cant believe it but i do.”

“what?? you just daydreamed for two minutes straight and now youre back and u like me??? dont play me like that. i thought you were better than this-”

“omg sam shut up let me talk. i talked to woong because i needed help reaching out to you. i was so worried! i even told you that i’d give jinyoung up for you and you talking with woong just reminded me of what he said... and its true. i was making it out to be too complicated when in fact its so simple. i like you, plain and easy.”

“are you sure??????”

“yeah sam. i am, i really am. i feel like i have a bulb over my head.”

“you might as well, what you just said was more moving and inovational than the creation of ipads.”

“damn im blessed to have such a nice boyfriend that compliments me so much! i mean, wait no.”

they both blushed, the losers.

“so.... boyfriend huh?”

“what the fuck gualin since when were you there????”

they ended up discovering a week later, as they held hands under the lunch table, giggling and blushing over the touch, that jinyoung had been dating daewhi for months.

[emziley]

All of the even numbers!

MVP for being the first ask I got...ever XD (also, sorry It took so long! I was almost done then my computer died and I had to restart D: )2. Do you have any nicknames?Emi, Milly, Em, Emziley (But I rarely use that aside from screen names) also, Jade 4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?probably at my butt! or at least lower back....its almost back at that length 6. Favorite flavor?Blue8. Are you friends with any of your exes?Yes! and hes married to my best friend now too :)10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?I text how I would normally speak so not very accurate? but also not like text talk12. Creamy or chunky peanut butter?Creamy! Who eats chunky?14. DC or Marvel?Yes. Mostly Marvel16. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer?There’s a small note taped on it XD its my moms computer so not really. but If I had my own there would be stickers all over it!!18. Do you read any magazines?Not really20. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?I never tried starbucks!22. Last show you binge watched?Voltron?24. Favorite Disney princess?me!- just kidding, Probably Elsa! (Does she count?)26. Favorite thing to cook for yourself?I CAN MAKE FISH!!! Its one of the very few things I can make so I’m glad I like fish xD28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?Probably?30. Any styles of music you do not like?Country? I mean some songs are good but---32. Have you ever gotten a ticket while driving?I can’t drive :( 34. Showers or baths?I’ve been really wanting to take a bath and I haven’t been able to, so bath.36. Are you fluent in more than one language?I’d like to be, but I’m not.38. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?I don’t know? probably around 200lbs40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?Yes. moving on.42. Favorite non-chocolate candy?Jolly ranchers :D44. If you could have one superpower, which one would you most like to have?Teleportation. Then I dont have to drive! Or walk... XD46. From 1-10, rate your dancing ability.4? 48. From 1-10, rate your driving ability.Idk like a 5 for when I started to learn? 50. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?Moutain Dew. The worst shit for you52. Spring or autumn?Im alergic to spring so autumn xD54. Can you play any musical instruments?Yes! A guitar! Kind of piano, I want to learn more. Someone once told me "learn to play a little of any instrament you can get your hands on"56. How easily do you cry?Very. 😧58. Favorite YouTube channel?ArtfulImpersonator :v (and not just because you're asking) 60. How long have you known your best friend?Wich one? About 5 years ago? 62. Last CD you bought?Ed Sheeran for my sister for christmas 💜64. Have you ever been broken up with?Yes,66. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?2 and a half years, and yes :) 68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?Multiple! And I would love to again. 70. Have you ever sexted?😶 yeah~ 72. Real or fake Christmas trees?Story time! Once we got a real tree and it had a nest of spiders in it. Never again will we get a real tree. Ours has "snow" on it :) 74. How well can you write in cursive?Pretty well! You might be interested to know I learned at a young age because they thought it would help me with my dyslexia! 76. Do you like any boy bands?Hahhahahahahaha. Most. 78. Have you ever gotten any stitctopic. Thankfully not! I think I'd panic too much tbh80. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?I still have socks from when I was seven? But I also have old sweaters from my grandparents which are probably older than me82. Have you ever dyed your hair?Yes! It was rainbow at one point 😃84. How long have you been at your current job?Currently don't have a job :/86. Phrase you say the most?Well fuck. 88. Have you ever gotten fired from a job?No. 90. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout?I've been both! XD girlscouts we just colored, venture crew (boyscouts) we did alot of fun stuff but it didnt last because the troop was dying out to the point it was me and my sister and one other person holding it together92. Do you eat meat?Yes, though im not a big meat eater94. Worst habit?Hating myself... 96. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes98. Do you consider rapping singing?Not really? 100. Favorite store to shop at?Cleché but hot topic102. Favorite Pokémon?Piplup! I want a real one. 104. Do you drink alcohol at all? If so, what is your drink of choice?I don't drink much, but usually Mikes hard lenonade (of various flavors) but I did have a sangrea last night which was pretty good! 106. Favorite type of cookie?Peanut butter blossoms or oreos108. Biggest pet peeve?I don't know actually? 110. Favorite literary character?Probably Karkat Vantas xD does homesuck count? 112. Do you wear or have your ever worn glasses? Yes, sense I was 2 actually xD114. Have you ever been the victim of a prank? Yeah, nothing too bad though! 116. Have you ever taken a nude selfie?Maybe......... Yes. 118. Favorite fandom?They all have their downsides but homestuck basically rearranged my entire life and had such an influence both good and bad so I think I want to go with homestuck120. Have you ever snorted when you laughed? All the time xD122. Favorite Disney song?Let it go is fun to sing~124. Random girls’ name.Melony126. How many people are in your nuclear family?4 and a cat so that's 5128. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?INFP-T (i think thats Mayers-Briggs?) 130. Biggest regret?Art school 132. Do you like any soap operas?XD no, I like to pretend Im in one sometimes though. Its fun. 134. What sports team(s) do you root for? Uh hufflepuff quittich team? 136. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender?Yes. XD then we dated. 138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised. When my partner changed their mind from "I'll think about it" to "yes"140. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was done?Yeah, I REALLY had to pee... 142. Is sex before marriage wrong?Not nessisarilly, as long as both people want sex, go for it! 144. Can you handle spicy food?Not as much as I used to and that upsets me :(146. Do you like MTV?Not really~148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?Steven Universe xD150. Where do you think is the best place to meet a new lover?Anywhere! If you're having fun at a place and they're having fun at the same place (or chatroom :v) ans you hit it off and eventually date and~ 152. Favorite thing to do outside?Look at (and take pictures of) nature. 154. Do you say “y'all” at all?Yes xD156. Do you believe in evolution?Yes? 158. Favorite Beatles song?Ob-la-di ob-la-da (I think thats the name?) 160. Have you ever been to Disney World or Disneyland?Yes! And preformed there ;D162. Do you like to go fishing?I don't have the patents for that tbh164. Do you take medication for anything? Yes, for Epilepsy. Thank you for reminding me to take it! 166. From 1-10, how much do you like children? 3 maybe? If they're well behaved.... 168. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?Yeah, no. Nope. Not doing it. 170. Do you collect anything?I uses to collect giraffes xD and still have alot of them! But Yeah, I have a few collections. 172. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?Not yet. Soon. 174. What was your favorite toy to play with when you were a child?My mind xD nah probably babrie dolls? 176. Have you ever learned anything from a how-to YouTube video?Like everything. { :v still cant brush wigs without watching your video and crying... } 178. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Yeah~180. Do you have a pool at your house?Yes. 182. Do you like karaoke?Sometimes? 184. Have you ever ran a marathon?Hahahahaha. Nob:(186. Any guilty pleasures?Yes.............. Yes. 188. Do you live in a house or an apartment?House. 190. Worst job you’ve ever had?Im not sure you could call it a "job" but I worked at a haunted house where they gave you "cash prizes" for the days you worked. I missed the first few days because I was in the hospital and told him I couldn't be near strobe lights. Unfortunatly I was put by the strobe lights. I worked 2 days, desided I was more trouble than I was worth and never went to pick up my money. I stilk get a little anxiety thinking about it tbh. 192. Were you ever voted homecoming/prom king or queen? Nah :p kinda wish I ran but~194. Have you ever gotten detention? I don't think so? 196. Have you ever taken a road trip just for the fun of it? Yes! My family used to have mini rode trips alot... Recently though me and my dad went on two big ones, one to california 2 years ago and colorado a few weeks ago! 198. Were you a part of any academic clubs in high school or college?No... 200. How long have you been on tumblr?4ish years?(Thank you 😁)

[thedrinkhunter]

You asked and the universe answered...

Just read Kittii please, i have so much to say. Just before you left you asked me “are you gonna be ok?” The answer was “No” but I couldn’t answer at the time bc I was so unsure. I wanted to try to be strong for me and also give you what you wanted for once. I tried to stay away bc I could tell you needed it… that you had sincerely reached the limit with me, but each day I waited for my phone to go off in hopes of seeing your name. I cant stop from feeling like im about to cry at a momments notice each day. This has to stop. But this is what happens when you make the choices I have. I’m not ok, not at all but what do my feelings matter now, who will they move, what can I change with what little power I possess?? You’ve done so much for me and just once I’d love to make you happy. I’m in awe over how quickly you’ve moved on, Ik it’s been over a year and all but you were ready to leave me, after a short time I would imagine, of course someone would come along and want your beautiful ass. I wasn’t ready to lose you, and trying to be ok after that phone call was next to impossible. But here you are all hugged up with someone new so soon, it’s too much for me. A whole ass new relationship tho!? Meanwhile I can barely form meaningful relationships with girls now bc they know I’m still hung up over you 😩💔 since I met you other girls have never stood a real chance no matter how much I made it seem like they did. I’m not typing all this to sound jealous or spiteful I just have A LOT of feelings inside about all this and I need to get them out but I’ll forget what I want to say if I don’t do this now. 😔 I still get nervous talking to you and seeing you makes my heart go insane so I’m tryna prepare this time and have what I want you to know already typed here. I need some kind of closure, my feelings aren’t your problem anymore Kittiimae ik but I wasn’t reeaaddyy 😭 I cracked like glass when you broke up with me but I’m shattered now knowing someone else is holding you and making you smile. It’s no wonder I’m no longer of concern if you already had the resolve to leave me why wouldn’t you have it to find someone new. And with how great you are I knew it couldn’t take long bc you constantly have admirers. And having someone new to put feelings into and vice versa always speeds up the healing process. So here you are just peachy without old Travis, while all i have left are these memories and hurt feelings, and as bad as some of those memories may be they can never compare to the good ones. I’m too emotional, too toxic, too broken, and too in love to be a part of your life now I don’t even feel like I deserve it after the way I screwed you over. I'm not moved by many things but the things I do care about i CARE about them deeply and passionately but I am so broken it's not even funny. Men are such trash, we develop slow af, and most of us grew up without a father or someone to show you how not to be a piece of shit. It shouldn't be women's responsibility to bear and I feel for you for putting up with me for so long. But seeing all the negative shit you saw in me all these years now hurts me so much I can't see. I can't even look at a pineapple now without thinking of you, being in love with you is an incredible sensation and I'm so endlessly apologetic that I didn't make the effort to show you. So the answer is No @kittii-ko I’m not going to be ok, I haven't been, and I’m not ok now. But I’m glad you are, your happiness means more to me than anything and you’ll have more of it once I’m gone I'm sure 😔 but I can’t leave without finally letting you see just how much I love you the best way I can show you now. I know how sturn and cold you can be when you want to so I hope I haven’t made you go cold on me cause after that day it was like you were done with me, like you no longer felt a thing for me. And now you feel things for someone else? I could just die rn. Idk how long it’ll be before I stop being depressed about you… or ever find someone new that I actually like, I’m jealous you already have. Jealous bc I want to be ok too, I want to stop pushing everyone away bc I’m a broken mess. If i ever do find love again I know now from this permanent emotional scar not to take it lightly. This is really it for me Kittii, after I see you for the last time I’ll be broken if I’m not already. I have to build a new Travis and I'm sure he'll be a true work of art but rn I'm lower than I've ever been. I’ve been trying to be strong for so long but I’m tired of pretending, I’m tired of hiding my real feelings, potential, and skills behind a wall of excuses. I love you soooo much I would do ANYTHING to have you back, my heart is in ruins, i fucked up, god i fucked up 😭 you were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I took you for granted. I deserve to feel like this but I want to fuckin scream I’m so hurt and directionless. You know everything about me, I have no one to turn to at my lowest point in life and maybe I left you in yours but Jesus I wish you had asked me to stay, I shouldn’t have left you, I shouldn’t have left, I saw a way out and I took it thinking I could come back for you. I should’ve just looked into your eyes one good time and asked you what you needed, what you wanted, I’m positive whatever I saw or whatever you said would’ve made me stay. You may have finally turned the page on our chapter in this book of life and moved onto the next and God I admire how amazing you are for it, but I’m still lingering on the last page of our togetherness. I need you to help me move fwd, tell me I’m not a complete piece of shit human being, tell me you loved me, tell me you’ll always remember us, and tell me everything will be ok. I need to hear it from you, if that’s too difficult for you I understand and I won’t try to force anything out of you but please find it in your heart to grace me with your voice, beauty, and presence one more time before you never have to deal with me again. Please. 😧

[angstymcspicy-blog]

22/05/20

1 year and 2 months. it took me 14 months before i broke all kinds of self defences and decided to seek refuge here. i love being at home, i really do. i dont have to force myself to talk to people, dont have to get tempted by food outside, dont have to exhaust my emotions, i dont have to put on makeup, i dont have to think of what to wear and regret it later for looking too fat and ugly, dont have to disappoint anyone and dont have to feel disappointed by anyone. 

but being at home starts to feel overwhelming at some point. its not that i crave physical interaction or that i miss my friends (do i have any, really?), or the boi for that matter — i just get really afraid of myself. you see, once i start sitting down with myself, i dont ever get up. 

i dont even know where to start... is life falling apart? not really. yes, we’re living in the middle of a pandemic. but i am blessed alhamdulillah to have a roof over my head, for my family members and for a s/o. but this period of being at home and everyone having so much time on their hands... really puts certain things into perspective. for instance, with so much time everyone has to offer now that we’re all confined to the comforts of our own four walls, how come not a single soul that i once called my friends have reached out. yes! i had 3 so far... in the span of 2 months. that’s a great feat, i aint gonna deny. but you see, the people i thought who could give 2 shits abt apparently rather give 2 shits to other people instead. so that makes me think — where do i stand in your life? how do i emerge from this quarantine and what do i make of our relationships after this? pretend like we totally know whats happening in each other’s lives via superficial and menial social media updates that you selectively show after having retaking them 100s of times or do i act all weird bec literally, i do not know whats happening to who anymore. this is simply bec im not talking to anyone. if i dont initiate a conversation, no one comes to me. im really not that interesting of a friend and not that exciting to have me around. i just float and exist... hence my insignificance in their lives. at one point, i guess it was just out of convenience that we were friends. & now due to circumstantial factors, it is not convenient or important having me around anymore.

yes i do have friends. yes we havent spoken in months. on some days though... i get really glad that my social circle has reduced to almost nothing. but on some days... i realise that im just not that strong after all. i want to be ok, i want to learn how to be ok. but how do i? how do i come to terms with the fact that either im a girl who turned all her friends away from her bec she thought she was too good for them or that her world too accelerated too quickly to revolve around her boyfriend that now she forgot how having friends ever felt like.

the people whom i thought literally saw me grew up are now too busy mingling amongst themselves and themselves only. they do make the effort to send one text message in 6 months... but the lack of sincerity is more than just apparent. there is 0 effort to even keep the conversation going and no matter how hard i once tried, i cant find it in me to be as giving anymore. 

to my best friend that i lost, im just taking things in my stride. every single day you never fail to exhibit the love you’re constantly being showered with (without me in your life anymore). im happy that you’re in a place where you get to shine in the spotlight given and that your circle of friends has expanded to one that drowns me out. maybe im also too exhausted and found myself to be too demanding for you to fit me anywhere in your life anymore. im just a puzzle piece that was forcing to fit till early this year. maybe now i really am prepared to want to let it all go.

i lost a workplace buddy recently. as much as i know that maybe this is for the better of him, a part of me still wishes we could maintain the same co-worker relationship and we can keep this friendship going. we have too many similarities and interests and it hurts to know that things will never be the same again. i have teared about it but i think one day these feelings are going to come charging at me in full force that it might be too late to calm those emotions down by then.

this quarantine period has also cost me lots of fights in my family. every single day i urge myself to keep the anger down and not get so agitated but i still fail. i disappoint myself time and again. i dont know how to fix this, neither do i see the light at the end of the tunnel for this. the ability to be so fucking patient with the useless beings i deal with at work and the inability of me being tolerant of my closest and most loved ones, appalls me the most. i am the biggest hypocrite i know. i fought with my beloved grandma. i was planning to check in on her but i never did and before i knew, she ended up in the hospital and i found myself sinking in knee-dip into a bottomless pit i knew i was sooner or later, doomed for.

the holy month is about to come to an end and i see people achieving milestones in their life as they close this chapter but this year feels just about the same as another. and i only have myself to blame and hate for it. i could have done so much more. coulda started on the quran, coulda been more consistent, coulda been more committed but i let it all slip in front of me and before i know it, it’s too late to do anything about it anymore. i am my biggest disappointment. i only seek for your forgiveness la Ya Allah.

i have no qualms about the person i call my partner. but having an anxiety attack all bec of him... it has truly been a long while. i wanna blame it on the period. i wanna blame it on the fact that i have too much time and too many emotions too feel, too sensitive. i wanna blame it on his lack of awareness for his surroundings and the people around him. i wanna blame it on his immaturity and ego. but i think we all know, it is ultimately just me. the same issues... over and over again. is it a lack of interest or understanding? i sincerely wonder. i want to work this out, but it gets really hard. sometimes i just want us to stop hurting. how is it that we dont get by a week without fighting? how is it that you still have issues understanding me why i get hurt even after repeatedly explaining myself? how is it that you still talk in a way that annoys the fuck out of me sometimes? i know you dont mean it. but are you really that wrapped up in your head to not notice all these things? everything’s either a fucking joke or too complicated for your brain to even process. i dont wish to make the situation bigger than what it is, but i never felt truly at peace at emptying my emotions to you. when was the last time you were keen about me and my mental health? then again, not everything is about me. and you didnt seem to understand so i backed off. i dont want to find fault in a situation that you dont want to help yourself in. why is that you can bear to part hours of your day to game but not spare 10 minutes of your time to ask me how im feeling lately. or spend 10 minutes of your time looking up what anxiety really is. i tell you im fine and you really think im fucking fine. if that was really all it took to cure my fucking anxiety m8... i’d be bloody Gandhi by now. i want to give all my love to you. but at times i cant even be truly happy for people by my side, sometimes i feel like i still have a lot more to learn before i deserve true happiness in my life. you dont always have the best words to say, but i know you do try. 

i started working out but i still dont like what i see. the more time i spend at home, the less i want to see myself in the mirror. its been 2 weeks and my arms are still so fucking flabby,,, my thighs are gigantic it can choke and the rolls on my tummy makes me nauseous. i pray to God seeking for strength every single day but i still cant find it in me to want to embrace the now me to pursue the version that i eventually want to be. the internet is not making my head a better place but it does remind me that im fat and that i deserve less and less food each day. i dont know why i allowed myself to get this obese but i am truly regretting every second of it. 

in conclusion... am i falling apart? maybe. am i losing myself? maybe. do i have friends? not anymore. and do i hate my s/o constantly reassuring me that i have friends that even i dont know the existence of? maybe. do i hate myself for being a dick to my own family? maybe. do i blame myself for being an incompetent and emotionally worrisome partner? maybe. do i blame myself for having a body as big as mine? maybe. ultimately... am i drowning myself in a bottomless pit of self loathe as i swim in self-pity? hell mother fucking yes.

[disanddatmedia]

Story Time!

Back in 2010, I became best friends with this girl we'll call "Sam". Sam and I became fast best friends and even our moms were good friends, I did develop feelings for this girl HOWEVER, I never crossed a line with her and eventually lost those feelings but still remanded best friends (grade 9 btw). Over the years, we had many great times and helped each other out however we could, it was an balanced friendship, there was one summer where we hung out almost everyday because it was always fun, I helped her out when she was sad and she helped me when I was sad, made each other laughed etc., probably my best friend during highschool. She moved right before graduation but came back, one in a while talked (it was understood we had our own lives), I went to visit her 6 years ago, this was a 15 hour drive one way, my first real solo road trip, it was great getting to see an old friend. So this friend sam was someone where we would tell each other and others that we were best friends forever.

This summer however was different, at the start of the year I left an over 3 year long relationship heart broken, lonely, and at this point been dealing with depression for about 9 years which I was at one of my worst points, I fortunately had froends I could turn too, eventually started to get better not only from that situation, but also my battle eith depression in general, finally I talked to Sam again after a while of not talking (which is fine, life happens), talked about what has happen since we last talked, and also planned for me to come visit while on my road trip I planned that summer. While we caught up I talked about that I was excited about this trip, seeing my old best friend after 4 years, it was going to be great.

I get there its great, we hang out, get drunk/stoned together, talked about anything including her future wedding, going as far as me agreeing to be the photographer as a wedding gift, I meet her BF which we got along and all that good stuff.

Something to note here: after my relationship ended, I changed, in my opinion for the better, but I changed. I started smoking weed as a treatment for depression (which helped a great), grew out a mohawk I started to dyed (never did anything like that), started wanting to experience life more then I did ever, picking up guitar alittle, my attitude changed so I was still nice but didn't let people walk over me, being my true self and not worrying about others opinion etc., basically what needed to happen for me personally.

Now, before getting to her town I realized that I was doing better then Ive ever did in 9 years, super happy, a little quieter, but just me, happy.

On the last night, her seeing me happy and seeing that I'm more comfortable with myself, more at peace with myself, she turns to me and says "I can't do this anymore"

me: "do what?"

her: "this, i just can't"

me: *confused* "explain?"

her: "well you changed so much since highschool, and you been depressed since after highschool and I can't do it anymore"

me: "Ive been depressed basically the entire time Ive known you, ive changed for the better, and ive have been doing better now then i have in 9 years, so I dont know what you're talking about"

her: "okay but i still can't do it anymore, you're leaving here tomorrow morning anyways, when you get to Xcity, let me know and then were done, no more friendship"

me: "okay i can do that but i do agree with this since your reasoning makes no sense, but okay if thats what you want ill repect that"

so a best friendship of 9 1/2 years throw away, and the reasoning for it? ive changed since highschool and been depressed since highschool. But ive been depressed for way longer, was doing the best in mental health in years at that point, changed to be me more (expressing myself the way i want to), and didnt really talked about the problems ive been dealing with but instead how excited i was for my road trip and good times, so whats the point of this story?

1: I needed off my chest

2: if you're going to end a friendship, at least have it make sense, dont lie, just sit down with them and talk about it all

3: if its a toxic friendship then yeah, drop them like bricks, but a healthy friendship, sit down and talk about it. Make it so that both parties are in an understanding and theres no unleft questions

basically, don't hype someone to come visit you, talk about being apart of your wedding, having a grand time and all that jazz and then drop them as a friend fir no good reason, it can really fuck them up.

ive dropped people as friends yes, but any friend ive dropped was cause of toxic/shitting behavior that I cant look pass. The only other way ive stopped being friends with someone is by drifting away, life getting to us. we out grow friends yes, but don't hype and make plans and say "youre one of my best friends" and pretend to care to listen to there problems then drop suddenly with an awnser that leaves more questions than awnsers.

Even though this has bother me, I am glad that it happen, it seemed that i was always the one to reach out to say hey, and she never visited me, the thing that never changed with me was 1: being a nice person, 2: i will put effort in a friendship i have with someone, eben if its little, but some sort of effort.

I guess she dropped me as a friend, but i didnt realize until it happen that, i outgrew her.

I guess the main point of this is, I just needed this off my chest, Im doing okay just regardless, needed to type this out

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #11: “i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know” - Ally

The F8 vote seemed to have worked out well for me. I believe I shifted the plan from voting Stephen to Jess as Jess has been socially great but I havent been able to develop a great personal relationship with her and our interests in the game seem to differ. I am kinda glad with my position rn tho I am pretty sure the jury hates me rn but my aim is to find a way to maneuver to the end. Stephen and Ally must be really upset with me for lying over and over again and I might be targeted soon.

i am on a train and so i decided i'll write a confessional.

after having time to think last night (misplaying my idol), here are my thoughts: yeah, it sucks. it definitely hurt my game more than it helped. i am now 10x more vulnerable in the game. but, i'm not regretful? i'm now in a less-stressed state, where if i'm going to leave, so be it. no one was really shocked (though some may be more angered at me), and it kinda helps clear a target on my back because i'm like... easy to beat.

now, let me talk about something. after thorough analysis, i believe i have the least likelihood of winning this game. that's fine. i'm not really mad about it. below i'll just provide why i think i can't win this game, and my personal view.

CHANCES OF MAKING IT TO FTC: to begin, my chances of making it to ftc is very limited. i'm in a state where i have no idol, and i must rely on competitions (at some point, not necessarily now). i honestly think i'm safe at F7, but i know in order to get into F2 (or F3), i'll probably need to win a few immunities (or hope people see me as the goat i am and.. dragggg me BAAAAA). other people in the category of 'limited' when it comes to making ftc are stephen/ally/alyssa. now, let's pretend i do win like 3 immunities and achieve that position at FTC. this has two outcomes. first being that i don't think the jury will majorly respect it. and secondly, well, i'll describe it in the points below.

CHANCES TO WIN (IF I REACH FTC): i think i have horrible chances at this rate. ever since jury started, my management of said people hasn't been the greatest. i don't entirely blame myself (though maybe i should), but i don't see stephen w./miguel/luke/jess being keen on voting me. i think the most grossest(word choice?) of those are miguel. he's going to be emotional/bitter, and kind of rightfully so - i did vote him out. but i also got targeted in the first place for trying to save him. i put my blood, sweat, tears into trying to let him live and... well... i couldn't do it. and, in my personal opinion, that should outweigh me voting him. so as of now, i think i have 0/4 locks. i could see current players voting for me depending on how the game goes (i.e ally, alyssa, karthik) but that's so iffy to really count on. now a quick analysis of other players: alyssa - i think she's by far the strongest middle player/has been the swing vote in various instances. though bitterness may be an outcome, she's played a dominating game. ally/stephen - minority. they are going to have stephen w./luke/jess practically on lock, and even miguel to some extent. they are the underdogs that even i would be rooting for if i were on jury. tim/karthik - both are better middle players than i am. they are always the go-tos to make a move. maybe this is a bad thing for them (and by default, good for me) because they are seen as 'goats' or something. i doubt that though. they have more agency, and though i once again don't think that's at MY fault, it ultimately detriments my game. jake - jake has continually been targeted due to being a flexible, snakey threat. though he may not be doing the absolute most strategically/etc., he has that perception of ''winner'' and ''big player'', which alone can carry a lot of brownie points when it comes to voting.

CONCLUSION: So i think my chances to win are the lowest odds because of my inability to guarantee FTC for myself, and even if i do, i ain't going to be a strong contender to win unless the jury comes around to my busted ass game.

- okay, i want to talk about my personal thoughts on this.

i don't think i played the best. but, i don't blame myself for being in this shitty situation. wait. to specify, i don't blame myself for being hated by jury/players. i DO blame myself for being in the shitty position and limited chances of making FTC, which has factors including my prejury comp strength (there was strategy w/ that but i'll talk abt that another time.

my chances have sucked ever since jury started. stephen w. and i were never on a tribe together, and though i was a 'threat', i didn't flip. i did consider it however, but that isn't enough credit for him. it wasn't smart to work with him considering he was targeting me, but that's valid to not vote me in the end. miguel is a loyal and emotional person, 100% valid. i did not meet those terms at the end of the day, and that's only on me i guess. luke showed no loyalty to me and so i reciprocated the fakeness. we never worked together. jess, i DID try to work with, but she rejected that just to kinda blame it on me and so i voted her out. i have no friends on jury, and the earlier jurors are the most critical to some degree (because they can become an unit or something and start rallying campaigns for people).

my lack of agency, which is my biggest in-game flaw, isn't my fault directly. i tried to be extra social and show willingness to flip. of the 5 Kato2.0 members, i think i was easily the most willing to change up the game. karthik/tim have lied numerous times about flipping, and jake has done so prior. i haven't. maybe i should have, and i would be in a position, but i wanted to maintain this veil of honesty that like i was opened 2 working w them, even if NOW wasn't the time. the voted me and then only talked to me abt my vote when they needed me. i have to be missing something. this isn't a bad thing on MY game when others dont want to work with me, but i cant figure out the missing piece. maybe someones lying about what i'm doing and pitting people against me (good on them). maybe i did something really bad. but, it's a struggle. i thought i was playing so well but now i'm in a position of... hopelessness. i don't have any strong friends in the game. tim's probably the closest to me. i'm just... i'm unsure.

-

i want to talk about the future of this game real quick. this round, i anticipate ally/stephen will target one of me/alyssa/jake. tim wants to target alyssa (according to him) so i can see her being targeted. i'm unsure if that's how i'll vote, but i'm thinking. i think, if i am lucky + smart enough, that i'll make f5 easily. if alyssa goes, theres no way ppl would keep ally/stephen both til f5 considering they are minority n have that sway over the jury. put in that position, im the strongest physically. if ally goes F7 (or stephen), then jake/alyssa are a duo i can spearhead to break up. but, if alyssa has two idols, shes final 4 and well . it's over . but maybe she'd idol out like karthik or smthing n then me/tim/stephen vote out alyssa/jake and... yea. there's some hope for me but it's VERY circumstantial.

my brain hurts lol sorry

So last night I was BRUTALLY blindsided. And it's kinda late in the game for that to still be happening! This is way worse than Miguel or Luke leaving. Karth, Tim, Zach and Alyssa all overtly lied to me about their plans and votes. Granted, I also lied to Alyssa so there's that.

Karth, Tim, and Zach all hit me with the "but we're allies now that you proved you're honest" and I'm rolling with it because I don't have much of a choice. Ally wants to try something with Alyssa/Jake but I'm not exactly holding my breath. I won't buy anything until people start coming to me with real plans. At least Zach's idol is gone so others might be more tempted to make a move on him now.

Being voted most honest was something I ABSOLUTELY capitalized off of. I used it to try and get Alyssa on my side by telling her Stephen said she's next if Zach wins (even though she went and mentioned my name) I used it to blatantly lie to Jess and Stephen and Im using it now to do damage control with Stephen

Honestly the reason I voted Jess was very strategic. If Stephen was gone then Jess could weave her way into an alliance with Alyssa and Jake whereas Stephen would not. Stephen is still a big threat to win and with him here it means that he'll possibly take priority over me. Because honestly who wants Stephen at f3??? Who wants Zach at f3??? Who wants Ally at f3?? They MAY want Alyssa at f3 which is why she's my next target Stephen: Its not smart for me to go against you guys either way

Me: I already know this lmaoo you want me in your f3 duh

Im gonna go ahead and be overzealous when i say this may be the first game where I make f3.

I feel like I've played my cards correctly and If it works out how I want.. i could win/ get 2nd. I can literally destroy and discredit Karthik's game in a matter of seconds so I'm not concerned and Jake's game thusfar has been straightforward. If I can survive this round then I can make it to the end of the game. Omg if its a f2 instead of a f3 i will scream. I'm being too hopeful rn lol.

AHHHHH BITCHESSS I WON IMMUNITYYYY. Poverty was on my side. (I'm not poor lmao). I feel great and I definetely needed to win it considering the fact that my name was mentioned last round. Oh I also sent Karthik to the basement in hopes of finding something buy I also sent him there so that I wont make a target out of Alyssa and break any potential bonds there.

Now originally I made an ellaborate plan to vote out Alyssa but I've done quite a bit of talking to Stephen regarding my position as well as everyone's position in the game.  I'm torn between trying to get the vote on Alyssa or going with Ally, Karthik, and Stephen and voting oyt Zach. We will see.

I have a plan for this vote tonight and I think it’ll work. We’re gonna split the votes and if Stephen or ally goes, I think I’ve set myself up for s really good game. Of course anything can happen, but as long as I don’t get blindsided, I feel good about the rest of the game. Of course, that being said, anything can happen and this is Survivor

Thinking about how this could be my last day in the game is crazy. I'm relying on Tim and Karth to hold up their end of the deal to vote Zach out tonight. If it works, everything will change. I'll suddenly be in a real alliance for the first time in awhile. I don't plan on letting go of the numbers once I have them, but I really don't know if I even have them. Karth was my closest ally since Day 1 and he lied to me and sent out my next closest ally. I believe Tim has been leaking information I was posting in the 4-elements chat for awhile now. And I am definitely the target of at least 3/7 people heading into this tribal according to Tim.

Basically, everything should be seen as a negative right about now. But that's not how I see it. Playing from the bottom could be an amazing opportunity for me. I believe with Zach finally leaving, the 2 duos on the other side will finally have to point fingers at each other rather than doing everything behind the scenes. Then I'm just a little bit farther away from the end. Maybe I can still win this thing.

Of course, I could also go home 5-2 if Karth and Tim are just lying. But I think I've convinced them that keeping me is best for their game. Or maybe it's just that Alyssa and Zach come across as too threatening We even discussed possible endgame scenarios where I go to F3 with them. I wouldn't quite go that far with both of them after all the scheming and plotting on their end but hey, one of them can come along for the ride ;). Assuming I don't go home which is still totally possible LADSHSJKDHDKJHKSDJ

it’s rly quiet lol

i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know

like... i’ve already been lied to and blindsided so many times that it’s hard to care or have high expectations at this point

i’m voting zach, afaik everyone else is down but again that could be a lie or he could have another idol idfk

i’m only loyal to stephen now idc abt any of these ppl

Ally is voted out in a 4-3 vote. She becomes the fifth member of our jury.