#jack in overwatch: anxiety and breakdowns to have a work ethic

[crunchywhitepaper]

cw: self-hatred, self-blame, nausea, skipping meals (brief thought), inability to start tasks, insomnia, suicidal ideation, breakdown, sleep deprivation, anxiety (tell me if i forgot to tag something)

summary: jack morrison struggling from sep to overwatch to the fall of overwatch and its rise

hear me out

jack morrison had troubles with tasks when he entered the military. any paperwork that needed to be passed? laughed off until a day before he needs to submit it as he stays up on the verge of a breakdown typing the thing with lights out.

gabriel being his buddy at the time and always trying to get jack to do his deadlines early on but jack just cant do it. he tries for like an hour but never does anything substantial.

gabriel ends up offering to work with jack on their shit and jack slowly ends up having a semi decent work ethic.

until overwatch happened and the shitstorm that happened there

jack wakes up to a lot of tasks and gabriel isn't there. he goes back to staying up all night. the anxiety running through his veins, tears pouring down his face as he types whatever bullshit he can.

it's the only way he can do it.

he's thankful for the serum that it allows him to do this for weeks on end. he doesn't sleep he just passes out in his bed when he gets the chance to lie down from the exhaustion. he invests in eyedrops and ice packs just so the sleep deprivation isn't noticeable. makeup as well to hide his pallor face.

he does this just so the others don't worry.

when ana dies, when gabriel isn't looking for him anymore except for work, he stops doing that as well. no one will look anyway, why bother?

when overwatch falls and soldier 76 emerges in the ashes, he thought, 'that was the best sleep he'd had in years'

without the paperwork and now moving to action, a part of him thinks, he shouldn't be running on so little sleep.

a major part of him goes, you've spent years with no sleep, why stop now.

he goes without sleep. he continues the same habits, unable to fall asleep even if he wanted to anyway. unable to move without the tension running under his skin.

the days where he needed to rest for his wounds were the worst. he'd lie in whatever place he found himself in and just sleep, uncaring of the hours that pass. he wakes up hungry, remembers the nausea that followed him throughout the day and eats a ration bar

he remembers the past and he cries, wondering how much he didn't notice because he was always so tired. maybe if he did better. maybe if he would just sleep properly, maybe-

he finishes the bar and curls back to sleep, the voices screaming in his head.

when he first meets reaper, when he meets gabriel again as an enemy, he wonders just what happened. reaper blames him and 76 can only accept it, knowing its the truth.

when ana arrives, 76 is both filled with relief and dread. he doesn't join ana. he doesn't want her to know that he can't take care of himself. he makes up some bullshit reason they fight. ana wants to help him. 76 tells her he doesnt need it. it's a lie but he won't drag her to his issues.

ana sighs and offers him a way to contact her. he takes it and leaves.

he doesn't sleep that night as well.

he finds more information about overwatch. about talon. about reaper. it's faster with ana. he thinks of giving up. with every intel, he finds it harder and harder to fall asleep. his mind keeps screaming at him.

he remembers when overwatch first fell and he remembers how it felt to actually feel rested. his whole body stung with burns and cuts and his eyes were shot to shot but he could hear himself think. a decent tradeoff, honestly.

how hard would it be to do the same now? what does he need so he can finally sleep? he chases the thought in his mind, thinking it over and over and-

death was also sleep, wasn't it?

a hush settles over his thoughts and 76 closes his eyes and grips tightly on his weapon. don't think about it, he thinks. it continues to follow him.

he gets invited to overwatch. 76 only knows of suffering and pain during overwatch. he supposed it was nice early on but it didn't last. he denies the invitation.

he ends up fucked while chasing one of the leads. 76 ends up running more and more on gas. that one thought that visited him continued to haunt him.

he faces reaper and reaper gives him no mercy. under the barrel of a shotgun, 76 thinks, this is it but his consciousness fades with a sharp pain on the side of his head.

he's caught. talon wants dibs on a body that survived the soldier enhancement program.

funny enough, they put him through sleep deprivation. 76 laughs. he can do this anytime. he hasn't tested the limits of what his body can handle considering he always passed out on the two week mark at most, he wonders now.

overwatch ends up saving him on the first week. somehow, for some reason, reaper and sombra are in tow. he should care, he thinks. he doesn't. it's too tiring to care. too tiring to think.

he ends up sleeping days away as he heals. angela tells him the results of his checkup, he isnt surprised. she pinpoints his shit habits. he doesnt know himself if he can change it.

genji visits him. he holds a conversation. cole visits him. he does the same. ana visits him. he just nods as she scolds him.

he's actually doing this, the thought visits him. being a functional human being and talking! wow!

then reaper arrives and he doesnt take any of his bullshit. no, not reaper. gabriel, the mask he adorned is gone and what faces him, even as wispy as his body is, is gabriel.

"jack."

"ana already gave me the speech," he says, forcing his body to relax as he stretches.

"that's not what im here for." gabriek takes a seat and stays silent. jack leaves him be, leaning back and staring at the ceiling.

oh, he didn't think about his sleep. it didn't feel like one. not deep enough, maybe. one second, he was in that room and another, he wakes in the clinic.

"don't you have anything to ask me?" gabriel starts. when jack looks over at him, gabriel is frowning. ask? maybe, he thinks. maybe he could ask why he was with talon. maybe he could ask what happened with overwatch. maybe he could ask about them, what happened to them, what made them like this? maybe he could ask, but did it matter?

the ache in his chest is familiar and jack ignores it. did it matter if he had the answers? he can't do anything anyway. he went searching for answers because he couldn't do anything about it. he didn't do a single thing. his actions were always for answers but now, now when reaper, when gabriel is in front of him, did the answers really matter?

jack opens his mouth, closes them and stares at gabriel's eyes. it's black, unlike the red light that seemingly seeped out of his mask whenever he fought him as reaper. he could also ask him that, what made him reaper but-

"no," he shrugs, "i don't have anything. you?"

"what?"

"i don't have anything," he repeats, "is that all or?"

"you were searching for answers!" gabriel hisses, "about reaper? about talon? about overwatch?"

"i don't need to know," jack tells him. it feels like he's watching his body. it moves without input. "you're back here in overwatch, so you've finished what you need to do, right? so i don't need to know what happened."

"you-!" gabriel jerks, his teeth bared into a snarl before pulling himself back. he turns to the side, the light in his eyes have turned red. jack watches him as he stands up, the chair skidding back from the force and he says, "i'll-"

he takes a deep breath. jack notices wisps of black coming from his body. gabriel continues, "i'll come back later"

jack doesn't know what happened to gabriel. just that he became whatever he is because of him. because of what happened in overwatch.

maybe he should know about it. torture himself with the information as he doesn't sleep but exhaustion is already etched in his bones. what else can it do to him that he haven't already? kill him? he scoffed at the thought. his body won't accept it even as he tries.

he closes his eyes and lets his thoughts scream at him endlessly. since whatever he was searching for was useless considering gabriel and ana are back, he wonders what to do. help overwatch? he can't do it again. they need a better leader. be a soldier for overwatch? he's fucking useless as a soldier, barrelling through every fight with just willpower.

he'll just go lie down quietly, somewhere else. maybe then he can sleep. maybe then. he spends several long days in the clinic before he is discharged.

the others offer him a place in overwatch. he declines. ana and gabriel comes. he declines.

he'd love to say he slept great but he didn't. he's itching to leave and just get lost somewhere.

he doesn't get the chance. he wants to leave. he does! but he's assigned a room in the base until he recovers and he just, stays there. he sleeps. he thinks of his plans, of packing up, of leaving, of telling everyone else but he doesn't.

he doesn't sleep. that should be enough. usually it was enough. daybreak comes, noon comes and night comes. he's hungry and he's still thinking about it.

it's not enough. the panic is familiar. he pushes his body up, he wants to pack up. he doesn't. he sits on his bed, exhausted but doesn't move. he wants to leave. he needs to leave. why can't he move? it was always fixed when he didn't sleep.

a robotic voice speaks up in his room, "commander morrison, the others have left a meal in front of your room."

he moves towards the door, the motion is easy and he takes the chance, "can you tell them that i want to leave the base?"

"i shall relay your message."

there's no one outside and a meal sits there on the floor. he takes it and closes it again.

"the others wish to talk with you before you leave."

he sits back on the bed with the tray on his thighs. he stares at it. he can't eat it. he eyes the banana on the side and puts the tray down on the floor. he eats the banana and goes back to sleep. he doesn't reply to athena.

he wakes up and just leaves the base. a moment of clarity and he doesn't bring anything. he doesn't get far as he just stumbles through the forest with no idea where he is.

gabriel finds him.

jack is sitting next to a tree with his face buried in his arms and knees. he doesn't know what to do. he left and for what? he left with nothing. what did he expect?

maybe he should stay with overwatch. be a soldier. continue following orders. god knows where the fuck his life is right now.

"jack." gabriel calls out. jack grips tighter on his clothes and curls in. gabriel stares at him then sits down besides him. he sends a message to the others that he's found him and to leave it to him.

they sit in silence.

"why are you here?" jack's voice is a whisper that gabriel can barely hear over the forest.

"everyone was worried when you suddenly left. if you wanted to leave, we could help you."

"..."

"jack, please, say something, anything."

"do you remember back in sep?" jack starts. gabriel keeps quiet, listening. "no, nevermind."

"sep? what do you mean?"

"just leave me alone, ga-," jack's breath hitches, not gabe, gabriel, reaper, "gabriel. i'll be fine."

he will be. he thinks even as he's absolutely fucking lying. enough to function, be normal.

"jack. jack?"

jack doesn't want to be here. jack just wants to sleep. stop making them worry, you worthless piece of shit. stop being like this! STOP, JUST STOP! make them stop worrying. everything's fine. you're being a fucking big baby.

his fists tighten to a grip, the pain noticeable. there's a lump in his throat that he forces himself to swallow. his eyes are welling with tears. he takes a deep breath and stretches his lips to a smile. he repeats it again and again. smiling in the darkness. making it as genuine as he can.

he was just overwhelmed. it won't happen. show a hint of exhaustion. it's alright. i just wasn't used to this. sorry. thank you for this. it's... just been a while. let the smile fall.

he takes another deep breath and lifts his head.

"hey gabe," he remembers the nickname. he stares at his eyes. he doesn't want to, "sorry about that." casual is fine "i'm fine now." like that, perfect. "let's get back to base?"

gabriel is staring at him with a pinched expression. his mouth open and jack interrupts him with gritted teeth, "please."

they return back to the base in silence. jack's miserable as he faces the others, excuses lined with truths.

"it won't happen again."

"jack, it's alright," ana's understanding voice was the exact opposite of what he wanted. he didn't need it.

the other's voices went in one ear and to the other as jack spoke of nonsense platitudes, already knowing what he needed to work on, his own flaws and weaknesses. gabriel had only watched him from afar until jack was free to go back in his own room.

sleep did not come for him that day either.