#jeesus fucking old man

[newhologram]

mentally ill people are like "that's my comfort movie" and the movie is Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker

[coreytaylr]

h-his hair is more gray than blond im. i need to be put down.

[rdy2laugh]

WTF? This is the most DISGUSTING 'first message' I have ever received!! What type of asshole says this??

Assoles and stupidity are not just for the young. A 66 year old man 838 MILES away in another state that I NEVER talked to before sent this to me for a FIRST message, now don't puke!!

****Hi, You are sexxxy, yes I can rub one out, with the thought of suckling your nipples till they swell as if they were to pop, you sucking my large eight inch hard cock, while I lick your clit like a kitten licks up a bowl milk, pausing to suck your count now am again, slipping two fingers in your pussy to massage your g spot, you voraciously suck my balls am cock as if they were your only source of norishment.****

I just was like WHAT THE FUCK!!! What kind of special jerk thinks women want to read this shit let alone get excited and want to meet you when they read this?? I absolutely am NOT going to look at some guys ball sac and think of sucking it as if it is ANY kind of nourisment (correct spelling) nor do I look at kittens and bowls of mild and think 'oh I want that done to me'. EVERY guy that writes this shit uses the same stuff like the suckling nipples till they pop and they have these amazingly huge 8 or 10 inch dicks, slipping in 2 fingers, massaging the g-spot blah blah blah Voraciously is usually used in there, but NOT like this. This is a first on sucking balls as nourishment. EWWWWWW! I am wondering if he had a daughter would he tell her to suck balls like they are the only source of nourishment?? I BET NOT.

It gets better, his profile.... eyes rolling here.

My Ideal Person: Honest, trustworthy, loyal and compassionate... oh yeah, outgoing, sensual an horny! ! ! Seeking 50 - 70 preferably 60+ yrs, small, slim, average, athletic, petite 5' 2" - 5' 6", breast size 32/ 70, 34/ 75, 38/ 80, 40/ 85, nice ass, not into big ass, a nice dancers body, monogamous ltr sexual partner. Love receiving and giving oral, dtf, making love or just raw sex, and mutual masturbation, hard dick seeking, sweet sexxxy pussy . . . live, love, laugh (preferably a female 50 - 70yrs plus, that like oral attention and reciprocating same) Yes, we searching for each other, not giving up. Getting a hard on, thinking of YOU ! ! ! (end of profile)

WOW, talk about thinking he is at the sluts - r- us drive through!! Note the honest, trustworthy, loyal part. My profile says clearly I AM NOT AVAILABLE - DO NOT CONTACT ME FOR MEETINGS OR DATES I HAVE WHAT I WANT!" So he wants me to CHEAT on this guy to be with him??? WTF! I am also NOT petite, I stand 5' 9" tall and I defer to what woman is going to look into the mirror and say "Oh my ass is not too big YEAH ME!" or "Damn, my ass is not nice, I can't meet him, boo hoo." ??? NO ONE!!! I give him credit only on he is looking for someone 50-70 and NOT a 20something woman. That is the only realistic thing he has!! Let alone I am going to go 838 MILES to meet him?? I sure as Hell don't want him HERE!!

Fellas, take note that ignorant assholes like this is who ruin it for you! When guys like this are there and back up our message centers with this vile crap as total strangers that is why we don't read messages and/or reply. One may like this talk, but normally it is within a relationship you are already in. There may even be women that do like and want this kind of talk, but nothing in MY PROFILE says that I want anything like this. I, in fact, said I don't want to be contacted for meetings at all, not that if you want me to suck your ball sac then it is okay. Jeesus Christmas this just is so wrong on all levels.

Oh yeah, and he also had a picture of his 66 year old dick as if that would sway me. ALL MEN have a dick, not BEING a dick is the trick!!

[skenpiel]

“The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition is a 2005 children’s picture book, written by Carol Aebersold and her daughter Chanda Bell, and illustrated by Coë Steinwart. The book tells a Christmas-themed story, written in rhyme, that explains how Santa Claus knows who is naughty and who is nice. It describes elves visiting children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. The Elf on the Shelf comes in a keepsake box that features a hardbound picture book and a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf.

The story describes how Santa’s “scout Elves” hide in people’s homes to watch over events. Once everyone goes to bed, the scout elf flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa the activities, good and bad, that have taken place throughout the day. Before the family wakes up each morning, the scout elf flies back from the North Pole and hides. By hiding in a new spot each morning around the house, the scout elf plays an on-going game of hide and seek with the family.

The Elf on the Shelf explains that scout elves get their magic by being named and being loved by a child. In the back of each book, families have an opportunity to write their elf’s name and the date that they adopted it. Once the elf is named, the scout elf receives its special Christmas magic, which allows it to fly to and from the North Pole.

The book tells how the magic might disappear if the scout elf is touched, so the rule for The Elf on the Shelf states, “There’s only one rule that you have to follow, so I will come back and be here tomorrow: Please do not touch me. My magic might go, and Santa won’t hear all I’ve seen or I know.” Although families are told not to touch their scout elf, they can speak to it and tell it all their Christmas wishes so that it can report back to Santa accurately.

The story ends on Christmas Day with the elf leaving to stay with Santa for the rest of the year until the following Christmas season.“ —wikipedia

There is also a Jewish counterpart called the Mensch on the Bench. Just thought that was worth noting.

BAISICALLY, it’s a cryptid that has become a Christmas tradition. People get these little dolls with the books and put them somewhere in their house but no, you can’t touch it. Ever. Never ever. They all have those eyes and a shit eating grin, and I don’t know why this caught on. And I can just tell there’s some fuckin spinoff company that put microphones in these little shits because kids tell them their Christmas wishes, and parents would want to know that. And the kids can’t touch them. But honestly, I think that just gives them some weird power. Great, now the doll can actually hear you. And record you. I’m not sure it exists but it has too. What I hate about it is that this fucking screams cryptid. Like did you hear that one creepypasta about the fuckin disturbing tv show a generation watched but the parents were like nah you just stared at static? Mix that with some Mr.Widemouth and some fuckin tattletail shit and that is baisically this. This is some lil cal levels of why would you want this in your home or near your children. I’m fine with dolls! But the backstory just adds to the levels of fuck no! This little puppet, (which has an unchanging, smug face,) is bought with a book. Your child is not allowed to touch it because if they touch it the magic might go away. They can talk to it though, and tell it secrets and what they want for Christmas. It moves from place to place in your home once you invite it in, spying on the members of the household. Once everyone is sleeping, it travels across the globe to tell a mysterious fabled fat man of your sins and deeds. Then it comes back home, to continue the cycle for the entirety of your life. Maybe even after. What the fuck.

So that’s my rant, about the Christmas babadook.

[decadentenemyturtle]

Shore of shocked mind

Promt 5 of @sdavid09 ‘s writing challenge.

Summary;  Everyone has bad days at time to time, but today Hank seems to have one of his worst days.

Words: 1134

Pairing; Hank x Reader

Warnings; Major description of violence and character’s death!

"Damn it" Hank curses silently as he holds his gun up. His hands are shaking a little from the cold as he didn't have a jacket and the pouring rain isn't helping. "God fucking damn it"

This was suppose to be normal pick up from the mall, some middle aged man had stolen an smartphone from the store but he was caught on the act. Then, when the police had come to pick him up - as in, Hank and his partner Dylan Reed - the man had pulled small knife from his jacket's hidden pocket and started to fling around before stapping the guard to his shoulder and then he had fled. 

Hank and Dylan had ran after him, while the guard had alarmed more help from the 911, before getting some help for his bleeding shoulder.

The thief had ran into an allie between the two last houses on the street, Dylan running after him and Hank going around from the corner to meet up with the guy. Or at leas he was suppose to do so. But something had gone wrong as he heard Dylan screaming, not shouting but screaming in pain. Heart in his stomach Hank ran harder to the aley, just in time to see Dylan collapsing to the ground, knife sticking out of his neck as red blood ran down to his neck and under his uniform, coloring it darker than the rain did.

For a few horrifying seconds Hank stops, his heart dropping to his feet. The thief had been standing there, staring Dylan, also seeming to be in some sort of shock. He was the first regain his composure and he turned to run away from Hank, not bothering to take the knife. Hank curses, lifts the gun and shoots the man to the leg. Then he calls for aid via his radio while walking towards Dylan and the man.

"A police has been stapped by mall thief in alley around 600 meters to East from Rooster's mall. He is probably already dead" Hank has to take an shaky breath before he continues "I've shot the chased thied to leg and he is wounded"

"Copy that, two ambulances and another patrol car are on their way" a male voice says before the radio goes silent. Hank stops next Dylan, looking down at him, his heart breaking. He hadn't moved a muscle after he had collapsed. Hank didn't need to check his pulse to know he was dead, yet he did it. Sighing and holding the tears in Hank glared the man.

This was his fault. Hank thinks, yet he holds back from mouling the man to death.

The thief is trying to crawl away from the scene, which looks and is pretty pitiful. There was nowhere he could go and he moved so slowly that Hank didn't need to run after him. So he walks casually after him, pointing his gun to the thief.

"Don't you fucking move" Hank growls and the man stops, turning to look at him. His grey eyes are big as plates and he whines.

"I-I didn't mean to... I didn't mean kill him" he shrieks, but Hank just growls. Of course they never meant to. But it doesen't help now, Dylan was dead. Hank's heart tightens, when he thinks about Dylan's wife Susan and their two kids, 7 years old Jamie and 3 years old Jim. Someone had to tell them, probably Hank himself or lieutnant Walsh. Hank crouches next to him, still pointing a gun to him, and presses the shot wound. A siren's voice cuts the air and few seconds later there are blue lights clearing the dark alley. 

"There they are!" female voice calls. Hank clances quickly to the street where he had come from and sees two ambulance workers running towards Dylan, crouching next to him only to note that they were too late, not that Dylan would have had any chances to survive. The knife had cut open the arteria and he had died almost immediatly. Still, they both stand up to get the strecher to move him. While the two ambulance workers are moving Dylan to the strecther, other ambulance and police car stop to the alley. When two later arrived ambulance workers are close enough to Hank, he turns to address them.

"Shot him on the leg, but other than that he should be fine" he says, trying to sound calm. Two males comes next to him, nodding to Hank who stands up, letting them do their work. Then he turns to look at the other police officer, Arnold Cass, who is standing a bit further from them. The other officer, Fiona Doyle, is already talking with the ambulance workers who took Dylan. Then she takes a step back, nods to them and they climb to the ambulance, leaving from the scene, while Fiona turns and comes to Hank and Arnold.

"I'm sorry, officer Anderson, officer Reed didn't make it" she says, looking sad. Hank lets out an sob like sigh and looks down. He knew Dylan didn't make it, but to hear it from Fiona... Jeesus, they were suppose to go to have a drink after the shift! And go to watch icehockey on Saturday!

"Hank, let's make a report from this at the station and then you'll go home. Alright?" Arnold offers. Hank blinks and looks up to him, nodding slowly.

   Finally, nearly three hours later, Hank is home. The others at the station had been shocked and broken after hearing that Dylan was dead. Hank had had to go to the toilet to calm down and the others took the glue from that to drop their "I'm sorry for losing your partner and friend" bullshit. Writing the report had been like Hell and meeting the lieutnant Walsh, who had been pretty elowuent when he had bid his "I'm sorry for your loss".

You, after hearing the front door opening and closing, come to the hallway only to see broken looking Hank putting his jacket away. Something was wrong, very very wrong, you knew it. Cautiounsly you walk towards him. Hank turns to you, his eyes being buffy and red. He had been crying.

"Honey, what's wrong?" you ask and Hank's lips start to quiver as tear goes down his cheek. He opened his mouth to answer but a sob interrupted him. You walked right in front of him and threw your arms over his neck to pull him to a hug.

"Dylan's dead" Hank sobs. You felt your heart dropp. Dylan Reed, Hank's partner, had died?

"Oh no. I'm so sorry, honey" you whisper to him, dropping your other hand to stroke Hank's back. For a long time you two just stand there, Hank sobbing while silent tears fell from your eyes.

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 6X5 Live Free or Twi-Hard

aight let's go

*playing Bela Lugosi's Dead over the speakers* I hate you people. Bring her back, she was fantastic

can't find her missing friend huh

this feels like a twilight reference

she's searching for her friend?

HER NAME IS KRISTEN

ah yes the blood and he just FREAKS out

I'M 17!! I'm mature

kiddo

even I didn't feel mature at 17

ah yes vampire

ah yep they were hunting her

I mean yep that's a solid way to make that work

aw mans wants a family

ugh yes the hitting on teenagers

AH YES THE VAMPIRE OBSESSION AHAHA

"these are douchebags" AHAHA

"he's watching her sleep how is that not rapey" ahaha

DEAN LMAOOO

DEAN JUST REFERENCED TWILIGHT! ON PURPOSE

HER PASSWORD IS PATTINSON

Robert and Kristen...oh that's not a coincidence

vampires phishing for teen girls huhhh

oop mans is dead

blood bank van

oh right samuel

he's like pseudo replacing Bobby :(

ah yes the scoping out

one is gay! yay a Gay Character!

this is ironic he was in like one shot

oop Sam decapitated him

whelp Dean's is fake

"I only do it to get laid" "Does it work? ... I'll be damned"

"use a condom" DEAN YOU OLD MAN

"I don't play for your team" aND THEN HE GETS CHUCKED

SAM WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE

I will never forgive them for making the vampires unsexy

SAM HAD TO KNOW, GORDON FUCKING TURNED

oh this is gonna be fucking funny

instantly just "ok now kill me"

DEAN P L E A S E

o h o he can hear heartbeats

and it's very calm ohoooo

"now? now you want to talk about my feelings" LMAOOO

"newsflash vampires pee" AHAHAAH

aw angst

I can't take the angst seriously

he's got lil fangies

DEAN NO

ah ok running away that's more than what I expected

oh good now he's watching Lisa sleep that's WAY Too close to twilight

Dean's "yeah I might die" visits to Lisa have like happened...WAY more than once

it's honestly kinda funny

YES YOU'RE PATTINSON

Dean you ANGSTY BALL OF I D I O T

he's kinda a bad boyfriend

to his credit he is trying

"I told you he'd kill me when he showed up" AHAHAH DEAN

he didn't eat anyone

"or I can just turn you back" oh?

yeah I figured

hehehe campbell recipe

of course it's solo

I do appreciate and actual blend of old recipes and new ones now

he didn't know about the cure huh

HE DID LET HIM GET TURNED

Sam you BASTARD

oh yeah, there's something wrong with Sam

"there's a cure, so there's no problem if he gets turned and gets us an in" i think?

of course his name's fucking BORIS

FIST BUMP AHAHAA

HE WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THE FIST BUMP

"company line we don't kill people anymore" AHAHA

what the fuck was that beginning bit

"was it fun, killing people" ahahah

mans is just drinking his blood in the background

the blood booths are also fucked

"sorry what's a hunter" heh

he's 600 years old

until they're compliant yikes

is god their boss

IS DEAN GETTING HIT ON

i can't even gauge his reaction

dammit Dean

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE FATHER THING

ok then dream sequence

ah he's sent the girls to get dean

this also feels vaguely fetish-y

ThUD

Mans has been to hell, he's doing pretty good

also Dean is NOT looking good

NOT FUCKING REVERSE GRIP

"has some campbell in him" SAMUEL COME ON MAN

well...there went Boris

jeez Dean's just...a badass

boy that looks DIGUSTING

HE IS SO BLOODY OH MY GOD

He"S VOMITING PURPLE

the sam smile

OH JEESUS THE HALF SMILE WHEN HE GETS TURNED

he knows

building an army, psychic bond, and they're not scared of hunters

hmmm

"how'd it go" "it didn't" there's the consequence

"Can always count on you" oh he KNOWS

1. oh the Sam soulless thing is CLEAR! or that something's fucked up. Did they beat you over the head with it? yes. but it's clear. like halfway ur like huh he could have stopped it, but then Samuel brings it up and then the half smile at the end. Sam's going an ends justify the means route, which makes sense, but in this case, it probably permanently fucked up Dean's relationship with Lisa. shit's happening with it, and like yeah, something will happen

2. Dean's kinda balancing this I'm a monster + I wanna be a Cool Badass Hunter + I wanna be a family Man. I can attribute this to whoever's writing him and the sheer number which can account for the inconsistencies, but I think he's trying to find himself. He doesn't want the life with Lisa, but he Should, but he kinda wants the hunter life but he Doesn't, he does both and loses one, idk man, it's him figuring it out. and then adding onto that whole monster thing, like that is a whole other thing. Like it's not always fun to watch but it's still like...there's something there that isn't as obvious

3. The camera work is a lot more Zooms and Goofy now. Like there's more jokes and gags. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda enjoying it. I like Dark Gothic shit, but also having a like...reboot be a bit fluffier is like...I think I'm ok with that.

4. No, Lisa would not stay with him. come on

5. i kinda like the updates to the lore they're doing. Like the vampires drink blood pouches like juice boxes and the blood booths to keep compliant, and the psychic thing, and the fact that twilight helped tha vampire craze because teen girls are impressionable with not that much life experience. it's kind of a neat blend

6. ALSO DEAN IS A BADASS! LIKE HE JUST TOOK ALL OF THEM DOWN!! PLEASE MENTION THAT MORE! HE WENT TO HELL AND IS ACTUALLY REALLY SMART AND GOOD AT HIS JOB! HE JUST ANGST ABOUT IT!

[voidselfshipp]

The Copper Wars

Chapter 4

Okay to rb!

For once,engenieer was not in his workshop, wich meant that jerico arrived Next.

He grabbed the Copper metal sheets, taking a good look at them,and the rest of the lot.

Would he have enough?.

--Sorry for bein' late--engies voice grabs his attention--Was uh,makin tea, I know ya dont exactly like coffee....

--Aw, thanks engie--jeri grabbed the cup--Well..I guess we should get to bussiness.

And that they did.

They spent most of the day assembling the wiring and the mechanisms,that would impulse the big robot.

When the sun was setting both decided to go Grab dinner.

Jer Ate his food on silence,noticing that spy and sniper werent there.

Well,they did seem more secluded than the others.

He politely said thanks,and washed his used dishes, taking vica,who was sleeping on the couch in his arms, and went to highest floor of the base, a watchtower that had a door leading to the roof.

He sat there, leaning on the handrail of the watchtower, as vica was sitting on his shoulder.

The cat purred and nuzzled his neck, he laughed and scratched under their chin.

--Whats on my mind you ask?--he said,looking up at the Sky--i have everything and nothing at the same time, I guess, these days have been very rough--The cat mewled in response--man, now that I think of it,I havent written to dad in a good while, I should do that...

The cat then jumped to the handrail,somehow balancing theirself while on the thin metal tube, their dark purple eyes met their owners, and licked his hand.

--Youve been very cuddly these days vica,not complaining,but Its weird...--he just shrugged, and looked at the time in his watch--Hmm I guess I can stay like this a bit longer...

He spent the rest of the hour talking back and forth with his familiar,who answred with purss and hisses.

--yo Jerico?,wake up--A voice called his name, jer groaned,and leaned on his side,his Back facing the person that was calling him.

--i told jou zo vake Him up softly

He did recognize that voice, he opened his eyes and yawned,now moving his body to rest on his back, he Turned to see scout and medic--Hey guys...whats up?--his voice sounded raspy and deep, as he rubbed his eyes.

--jou overslept, its almost afternoon

--Man....-- he sat up stretching his body, causing his two companions to blush suddenly--Guess I was tired huh?--he smirked and got out of bed,thankfully he had some shorts on--thanks for waking me up,otherwise id be sleeping till noon

--Uh dont mention it

And with a confused look he saw medic and scout bolt out of his room.

--Weird....

He decided to brush it off and grabbed his things and headed for the shower room.

As the water hits his body,he heard the pure chaos that was going down in the rest of the showers.

He couldnt help but giggle as he washed his hair,softly singing to himself, he dried his hair and body once he was done,and wrapped the towel around his waist.

--Can I know what in the name of god was going on?--he grabbed his shirt and pants while looking at the mirror where some of the guys were shaving or combing their hair.

His eyes met medics, realizing his german friend had some blush on his cheeks.

--scout dropped his soap, pyro zried zo help him by setting said soap on fire,we all had zo stop pyro from doing zhe same vith Scouts deodorant

Jerico started to laugh while heading to the changing room--I wish I could have seen it while it was happening that sure was something

After changing he went to eat a quick lunch and getting to work on Forge.

So,the past few weeks he spent his time working with engie.

None of them,except maybe pyro, would admit it,but jericos presence did really make itself be missed, he had been Cooped up with work,barely even greeting and eating breakfast with them.

Engie assured his team jeri was alright,he was working very hard to finish this proyect.

But eventually,the team went with imaginary pitchforks and torches to engie.

-- "The townsfolk got together and they figured out a plan

They knew they'd have to do their best to save their fellow man--Jerico sung while hanging off a harness,soldering Forges faceplates--

And, though they had no weapons, they all had a lot of brains:

They'd build machines to leave their villain in a world of pain!

So Wilbur brought the copper, old Frank supplied the steel;

Bob and Sue had extra chains, and Tommy brought the wheels;

They knew they'd have a chance with these, they knew they'd win the fight

And they worked all through the night!--engie went up the scaffoldings, the robot was huge,thirty feet off the ground was giving him the chills--So saddle up your steam-bike and put your goggles on

We've got to be prepared or else we'll all be dead by dawn

Copperplate is coming and his eyes are seeing red

And he's after Wilbur's head!--his singing was stopped as engie called his name.

--Hey jerico! The guys really wanna see ya,they Came to me like an angry mob!

Jeri stopped what he was doing,and smiled--aww they miss me?thats adorable!--He answered lifting His soldering goggles-'okay lemme finish this and ill be down there in a bit!

Engie sighed in relief,mostly because he could go back down to the safety of the floor.

Jerico finished his work for the day,and descended to the floor, taking off his Gear covered in Grease.

He Walked to the dinning room where everyone was expecting him.

Yes even spy and sniper.

A Sly smile crossed Jers lips--Well well well, a little birdie told me you guys missed me

--yea and what if we did huh?--scout defensely said.

--Well thats just cute!--blacksmith hugged scout tightly with a huge grin on his face.

The Bostonian boy patted his back,red as all hell.

--Well,im here,actually I might go take a shower,im all sweaty,covered in Grease and just disgusting overall

--Youd make us all a favor-spy commented taking a drag from his ciggarette.

--Yeah youve missed me so dearly spy--jers mocking tone got a small chuckle out of the frenchman.

And without much wait blacksmith headed to the shower.

--Im not sayin anything...but he hugged me first!first!-Jeremy commented,bragging about the fact that well,his crush hugged him.

To no-ones surprise,other than jerico himself who didnt know,the mercs new coworker Turned into their crush.

Some just accepted it,others denied it until jeri errased himself from the face of the earth for a while.

--oh ye?when he comes back ill be the very first to hug 'im!--demo barked Back.

A quick shower later,jer quickly changed, and Walked back to where everyone was.

--And im back hi!--his words were cut by demo hugging him tightly,his cheeks Turned bright Pink, and started to giggle--Hey demo wassup?

--Nothin much--his face turned to scout who was green with envy.

--Would ya look at that,actually smelling like a normal human being--sniper added his snarky comment with a playful intention behind it.

--De orejas habla el burro(about ears spoke the donkey)

Spy and engie smiled smugly,and looked at sniper.

--Wot?--the aussie asked to no-one in particular.

--Jerico said like youre the one to talk,pardner

What followed was the longest 'ohhh' coming from the mercs, except of course spy and sniper),like if they went back to their teen years.

--Okay children,behave--blacksmith added,coming out of the kitchen with his tea Cup.

The Next two hours they all sat and talk peacefully,thats until tiredness for the best of jeri,and he Walked down hes room.

--jerico!wait up!--scout ran behind him--jeesus youre fast--this is the first time jer had seen him actually somewhat exhausted.

--Scout whats up?

--First uh,im Jeremy, second I am just...happy youre back,even if its for a bit, at least....we all have missed you, I...I've missed you--jeremy said, scratching the back of his neck--the room changes completly when youre around and i--, what im trying to say is...

Jers brows furrowed,until he heard his companion mutter a soft 'fuck it' and kissed him briefly.

Before scout can run away he grabs his hand and pulls him in for an actual kiss.

The Bostonian wraps one ar around his waist and the other is used as support as he hovers over his crush.

Jeri hugs his neck, pulling him closer.

--oh thank god--scout whispered hiding his face on the crook of blacksmiths neck.

Jerico caresses his hair and smiles--Im going to have to go okay?

He heard scout grunt but nodding,breaking the hug.

They said their goodbyes and jeri went to sleep.

What a day it was...

[trisockatops]

So today a man in line finally got up to me. Before I could even ask “how was your day?” he was telling me that the woman ahead of him “just snuck a banana past me”. (seriously guys, that’s what I heard “a banana”)

What was I supposed to do at this point? I’m not allowed to confront guests over theft, and there’s no code for me to even let CSM’s know they should look out for someone. I can ask to see in people’s bags and stuff, but I can’t push it if they say no or get angry at me. And honestly? I see a lot of homeless people with coats and suitcases in their cart. I’m just not asking to go searching through all that to see if they’re sneaking anything out. And this woman had several boxes, many of which were stuffed with water, another with empty trash bags (that she took out and showed me).

So, I brushed this man off. I was like, ‘okay, well it’s a banana, so it’s not too expensive, at least’.

But this man was insistent on being a grumpy bastard. He was very insistent that “it was more than few dollars”, “I’m surprised she paid for her tomatoes”, “I’m sure she got away with more”, “what do you think all that hullaballo was about”, and - my absolute favorite - “but those are my tax dollars paying for that”.

Like I’m here cashiering with no fucking benefits and the majority of my coworkers on fucking food stamps (and me only not with them because I’m living with my parents and not paying rent) becoming a fucking billionaire. Like my taxes don’t go towards the same exact thing his does. Like his taxes are better and more important than mine. Congrats, dude, those bananas come out so small they’re not even gonna be visible in your fucking taxes.

Eventually I told him, “okay, if you speak up next time, then I’ll know and be able to do something about it” and he quickly cut me off to say “oh no, I’m not saying anything”.

Then how about you stop fucking saying anything??? Jeesus, I don’t care about your pissed off, old man rant by the time I can’t do anything about it. If you don’t care that much then just can it.

[ria-the-camel]

some live notes on the new at eps yadda yadda

i like huntress wizard she’s neat. are she and finn on the regs now?

also i kinda laughed out loud when they kissed lol u gotta learn to love yourself too finny

but poor boy again dealing with anxiety over the roof :c

ice king and bmo are adorable

omg bmo you creepy little thing so far, out of 2 eps we got 2 finn screams um

clAM RAP!!! i love adventure timeeeeeee it’s the little things that drive me crazy ahah

hey why is cinna bun not blue did i miss something was that not cinna bun um

Toronto is baaaaaaack

“he rapped my legs off” what the fuck that’s dark alright??? This episode feels like a fever dream  like we’re talking about super focused fp.... where’s your citizens at

omg fire king that was so cute whoops he’s a sad

o she’s pretty! nice outfit!

ending was rad but... not a big fan of this ep... more second hand embarassment than enjoyment :P  Pffffpfpfpfpfpfff

Jake you sweet dummy i love you Also swimsuit story tiiiiiime!

small pb is...... so cute........ so nice........ omg proto candy kigdom is............ good............. “sweet chicken” I....................... love......................neddy....................... Oh science is there!

oh the sign says welcome in german that’s neat!

wait did she... make her uncle.......... it’s weirdly sweet and unsettling.

The evolution of the candy kingdom is pretty damn good to see o the cabin So it was his idea...

butterscotch lake!! :o

D:  Tho i love science using the cutie journal for her business

Omg old mr creampuff! So Gumbald made the first candy citizen.... she’s like 5 lmao. also very unhappy poor baby :c

lmao they’re so dumb i lov this show oh shit the pinata

what the actual fuck? jeesus alright power rush

so im guessing the punch jar... turned back into him??? haven’t seen that jazz since season 1 also i did notice the “crunchy missing” sign in always bmo closing....

is gumbald the big bad? is the entire series gonna end on him?

like no offense but i care very little about him o

anyways man this whole batch left me with more questions than anything uh

can i just add... how weird this all gumbald thing feels???? I remember the time when people were really confused about him cos it was just discussed that pb was like 900 but she did mention him in season 1.. and everyone was like “ah ah yeah cos it was a silly mistake they’re gonna pretend never happened. how could she have an uncle she’s sentient gum!” and now they fucking retconed this shit

why and wild.

[wingsporkhalo]

Through Burning Ashes-- An original (and bad) story

This was written by @mysticdelphox97 a long, long time ago, and since I was cracking her up with my commentary on this story late last year, she gave me permission to post it here with our comments. It’s a fantasy story, and it’s less than 15 pages even with all the comments, so it’s pretty short!

Anywho, let’s go! Short excerpt above the cut, the rest underneath it! I have to say, though, the best stuff is under the cut. I love this spork.

Mystic: on another note I found an old story prologue and I'm DYING BECAUSE Mystic: MY WORD CHOICES AND DESCRIPTIONS ARE Mystic: THEY'RE INTERESTING

Wing: TELL ME

Mystic: omg I gotta send it to you words cannot explain how INTERESTING this story "prologue" is omg

Wing: PLEASE DO

Mystic: I'm not even done reading it but holy shit

Through Burning Ashes

Wing: I mean aren't all ashes burning though Mystic: Well, except for the ones that aren't burning

Prologue:

Once, many centuries ago, a great fleet of ships landed at a vast country.

Wing: Just...picturing them falling out of the sky. THUMP

It was a magical land, untouched by man until the large, wooden vessels rode unto the beaches. Its beautiful grounds and astonishing maturity surprised the pioneers.

Wing: So what I'm getting from that second sentence is that the pioneers wanted to plow that land, ifyaknowwhaddimean

Mystic: the last time I touched this was apparently 2013 and I'm just??? I wrote shit like this back then?? jeesus Mystic: I GUESS I DUNNO

Wing: Not helped by the word "unto" in the first sentence

Its creatures and native residents were mostly intelligent beings, who were capable to communicate with the outsiders. The name of this great continent is Arybiana.

Wing: how do I pronounce Arybiana

Mystic: uh. yeah. Mystic: I have no fucking clue tbh xD Mystic: it's been that long

Wing: And who named it that tho

The fleet that approached this land was loaded with independent Humans, who fled from their nation that ran on tyranny.

Wing: Well of course. Can't spell tyranny without "ran." Also “tranny,” so make of that what you will???

By the time they arrived, they were very close to death, as sickness swept to and from the survivors.

Wing: sickness swept to AND from the survivors?? OH GOD

Mystic: IM PISSING MYSELF Mystic: it's bad its so bad

The intelligent race of Mocats,

Wing: Okay so I know it's probably pronounced moc-cats but I'm pronouncing it Moe-cats

Mystic: MOE-CATS Mystic: OMG Mystic: IM CRYING Mystic: I DIDN NOT THINKG OF THAT

small feline creatures that have the capability to levitate,

Wing: A FLOATING FELINE YOU SAY??

took the dying Humans into their care. One they were more peculiarly interested in was an ill, pregnant woman, about to give birth.

Wing: Aw ye dey into some freaky shit man

Mystic: PFPFFFFFFFFFFF OMG Mystic: MY STOMACH MUSCHELS OMG

The tribal healer was able to help deliver the infant safely. Although the baby lived, the mother perished from the raging virus.

Wing: The same one that kills Primeapes :'C [note: we had been discussing how the pokedex entries for Primeape in Sun and Moon say that Primeape can get so angry that it just drops dead.] R.I.P. Angermom

Mystic: well hot damn Mystic: I'm actually crying omg I can't sTOP THIS IS SO BAD

The Mocats saved the majority of the dying Humans. After they recovered, they listened to their story, and then gave them an undisturbed section of the country so they could thrive and prosper. For twenty years, the Humans lived peacefully with nature. After experiencing all that the country had to give them, they decided to become a part of it.

Wing: [sultry music]

It was actually the son of the ill mother that proposed an alliance to the Mocats, promising to come to their aid during dark times as they had done. The patriarch of the Mocatian race and the Human sealed the deal that day,

Wing: I'm sorry I can't see "sealed the deal" as anything but a euphemism

Mystic: that's ok, this is a really old story so I'm not surprised that that's there

which marked the start of the Alliance.

There were also other evolved creatures that they befriended, who also were sworn into the Alliance. The next race to be emitted was the Elves,

Wing: WHERE ARE ELVES BEING EMITTED FROM??? IS THERE AN ELF-EMITTING ORIFICE IN THE EARTH OR SOMETHING

Mystic: I think I meant admitted? Or.... something similar.... Mystic: i don't know

Wing: Probably admitted, yes, but emitted is hilarious as hell

Mystic: i didn't even catch that so good call there!

who are of the same DNA structure and proportions as the Humans, only their average height is taller. They also have the ability to practice magic.

Wing: So like...no pointed ears tho?

Mystic: pffffffff i think they still have the pointed ears idk why i added that their DNA was the same

Wing: It's to remind us that elves and humans are compatible ;D

Next to join were the Rabbijacks, rabbit-like creatures who have above-average IQs and are generally shy but natural peacemakers. They can use their hind legs as well as a humanoid, and can also be on all fours as well.

Wing: I mean so can I, but that doesn't mean I should

The same applies to the Wolverines, canine creatures

Wing: But...but wolverines are already real creatures...

Mystic: apparently not in this universe Mystic: wtf was my angsty high-school self thinking

with rather relaxed postures who are mischievous and sly,

Wing: RACIST

but are masters in the art of Weaponry, and they have a thing for setting traps and explosives.

Wing: The vagueness of the expression "have a thing for" makes me nervous

Mystic: yeahhhhhh, i cringed pretty hard at that

The Ty-Geirs

Wing: TY-GEIRS??

Mystic: THAT TOO

are a feline race, same as the Mocats, except they are about as tall as a Human, but they are skilled in the Battle Arts (it’s basically similar to kung fu, martial arts, and karate).

Wing: "ABOUT AS TALL AS A HUMAN, BUT SKILLED IN THE BATTLE ARTS" NAME INVOKES IMAGE OF A "TIGER"

IT'S INCINEROAR

Mystic: OH MY GOD IT IS Mystic: BRUH Mystic: I INVENTED INCINEROAR Mystic: AYE

Wing: I'M SO PROUD

Mystic: "skilled in the battle arts" Why couldn't I have just used 'combat' or something instead of trying to make some special snowflake thing

The Lynbaxes are also a feline race, raised in mechanics and electronics,

Wing: They are actually raised in the electronics. Like Pokémon being raised in a PC Box

and have a knack for building machines, whether for modern society or for military purposes. Lastly, the Twilitians joined. They are a humanoid race with light mint-green skin and neon markings.

Wing: ...Twilitians Well, it's a gentler term than "Twitards" anyway Wing: "Light mint-green skin and neon markings" Okay but what neon color were the markings

Mystic: they might not be loosely based off of Midna's race from Twilight Princess Mystic: yeah

They are considered the creatures of the shadow, which suits them because they can transform themselves into shadow.

Wing: Well I mean yeah that's pretty straightforward

Soon, the alliances began to expand on their technology, just as America had done in our dimension. In time, the country began to grow, from the most powerful cities to the leisurely towns and hamlets.

Wing: Leisurely? The entire town is leisurely Also "hamlets" omg what time period am I supposed to be imagining? LOL

Mystic: I have no idea honestly, and if I don't even know and its my own story (from millions of years ago) then that's kind of a problem

And the best part is that very little of the forests and natural areas were eliminated, since the small communities used and incorporated the resources to create their home district. Arybiana eventually became a profitable nation, involved with international trading and other overseas projects.

The Kingdom of Celire became the Capitol of the country.

Wing: Okay but how does an entire kingdom become a capital

It is ruled by two representatives, one male and one female, of each race partaking in the Alliance. These representatives are carefully selected by surveys submitted by the individuals of each community, and by the approval of the Shaman, their God. The High Rulers is the name for this group of delegates. They act as the government, where they try to make life livable for their people (at the time, meaning everyone that thrived in the country, not just their own race).

The Capitol of Arybiana is also directly connected to smaller Kingdoms in charge of multiple communities. Each Kingdom is required to watch over at least one major community and a few or several minor communities. The High Rulers are trained to closely hand-pick a “King” and a “Queen” to watch over them.

Wing: Are there quotations because everyone is secretly genderqueer???

Often, the King and Queen are selected from a single race, since there was no discrimination at the time.

Wing: Haha that's realistic????????!

Mystic: OBVIOUSLY Mystic: i can't even imagine that i actually wrote this Mystic: like Mystic: i actyualyl sat down Mystic: and wrote this Mystic: jesus

For example, in the Kingdom of Eidelvice,

Wing: "Eidelvice" I would like you to know that I first read that as "Evildice" THE KINGDOM OF EVIL DICE

Mystic: I think I was trying to spell Edelweiss Mystic: but uh Mystic: that is definitely NOT Edelweiss

Wing: No it's okay when I read it over again I pronounced it in my head as "edelweiss" so...mission accomplished??

Mystic: yeah kinda? i didn't know how to spell it at the time ^^'

it was often the Rabbijacks that ran the communities. Since the Rabbijacks are true peace-keepers by nature, and Eidelvice is a large interracial district, they were more suited to be used. The communities are also run by a mayor and a small council. It is their duty to report the functions to the King and Queen; and to smooth out any problems with the Community Council, then to the King and Queen if the issues are out of control.

It is allowed that, if the King and Queen are not married and in love, they can be united and have children. The Princes and Princesses live with their parents, and when they retire, they are given the choice to lead the Kingdom as a King or Queen (if they meet the requirements, that is), or to live a normal life as an average Arynan citizen.

Wing: "An average Arynan citizen" Yo where the fuck the "b" from "Arybiana" go Why is that so close to "Aryan"

Mystic: I Mystic: I don't know

It is through these methods of careful selection that have kept Arybiana safe for most of the Early Age. During this time, there were some imperfections. Every now and then, there was a sour apple in the hand-assembled bushel. But, the communities and the Kingdoms have the power to vouch for the replacement of the “sour apple.”

Wing: America 2k16 Mystic: OMG

Let’s say there was a mayor in one of the communities who mistreated the residents, and one of the other communities found out. They would inform their King and Queen about the situation. The King and Queen would then send a petition to the other communities for a vote to impeach him/her.

Wing: Yo you should print this up and just send it to the government with no explanation

Mystic: PFFFFFFF BRUH Mystic: omg I'm crying again omg omg

When it comes around again with the final tallies, the King and Queen address it to the Capitol. Only the High Rulers get to fully decide the result.

These techniques worked well with the country for nearly two thousand years after the Humans arrived. However… that was about to change.

It happened in the year of 1990. The habits of the races began to change. A portion of the Humans began to grow racist to the humanoid race of Twilight, the Twilitians. It was merely because of their light-mint skin and their attire that led to their argument.

Wing: America 2k16 [thousand-yard stare at the wall]...

Mystic: pffffffffffsjlekhdoikjedf

Then… suddenly, the Twilitians simply vanished. They became lost within the small opening between 1999 and the beginning of the 20th century. Everyone pointed fingers at the Humans, who retaliated and said they would never consider doing such a thing, even though parts of their population were acting rather idiotic.

Wing: PFFFFFFFF THE "RATHER IDIOTIC" AMONGST ALL THIS INFODUMPING JUST STRUCK ME FUNNY FOR SOME REASON

The searches turned empty-handed. It was as if they just simply melted into the mist…

Wing: What mist Did we establish that there was lots of mist

Mystic: I was trying to be mysterious I guess

Wing: Mist-erious

Mystic: xD

Because of the confusion, in 2001 the High Rulers (Humans included) turned to the Shaman for answers. The Shaman is a shadowy being, informally known as Shadow.

Wing: I...I thought he was known as Shaman And that's kind of an unoriginal nickname if he's a shadowy being. God, Humans aren't the only ones being idiotic here

Mystic: what was i thinking when i named him that good lord Mystic: what made me think "oh yeah Shaman is a great name!!!" Mystic: like Mystic: honestly

He is the God of Arybiana, who can spot the goodness and potential of each person as well as the darkness and mishaps. Shadow told the representatives about a growing evil, feeding off the greed and pride of each race and becoming stronger.

“What?” they asked, “what evil?”

“One that could sever the Alliance for good,” the Shaman merely stated.

“How can we save it?” the High Rulers pleaded.

Shadow pondered. Then, in a smooth voice, he recited:

“The Allies will be saved,

when the Race of the Silver Lining,

is united with the World of Light.”

The representatives pondered this. Silver Lining was the strip of twilight, which the Twilian race was born from.

Wing: "Strip of Twilight: the early years of 50 Shades of Grey"

Mystic: PFFF O H MY GOD

So if they could save them, then…!

“Wait a minute,” the male elfin leader questioned, “how can we save the Twilitians if we don’t even know where they are? They practically vanished, without even a trace! Who could ever find a race that disappeared from the very face of the earth?”

Shadow responded again:

“The Race of Twilight will be saved,

by each Member of the Alliance,

led by the Hero.”

Wing: Yo that's the most generic advice ever. I vote we elect a new Shadow. This Shadow sucks ass

Mystic: I have to agree

“A hero?” they gasped. What hero? The only heroes were in myths,

Wing: Well that's a depressing viewpoint.

dating back millions of centuries before the Landing of the Humans, and the Creation of the Alliance. Were they about to witness the backwash of another tall tale?

Wing: That's...not where the word "backwash" belongs

Mystic: yeah I also thought that was very out of place

The God of Arybiana felt their anxiety. He felt their fear of losing their relationships with the other races, carefully built on two millenniums of hard times,

Wing: "Two millenniums" pfff

depression, loyalty, happiness, and, yes, he could feel love in there too.

The Shaman cleared his throat.

Wing: Even Shadowy Beings got mucus

Mystic: yup xD Mystic: I'm still legit dying of laughter here omg

“What I’m about to divulge is a Prophecy, written in the ink of the Ancient People who predicted the fate of Arybiana. Now, as I pass this to you, you must promise me this: the words are exactly as they will be mentioned. If the message was passed on, misconstrued, then the demands of Destiny will never be met, and Arybiana’s expected turmoil will come quicker than before. Do you, as the current Rulers of this nation, promise to remember every drop of this information?”

Wing: "Only if it is in liquid form, your Incorporealness" "...." "...." "...You guys really are idiotic."

Mystic: BWAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GDO Mystic: your commentary gives me life omg

They nodded.

Shadow smiled.

Wing: ???????????What????am I supposed to picture???????????????

Mystic: i didn't think that through apparently

He took one large breath, exhaled deeply, and then claimed his older voice back.

Wing: Sure he just popped on down to the Pawn Shop real fast

He revealed the following of the Prophecy:

“The Hero shall emerge,

from a demise known by all, save They.

Wing: Oh, so they have to save Princess They, then.

"THEY'S IN TROUBLE, EVERYONE" "Why, Your Shadowyness. We thought you were more educated than that. Surely you mean 'they ARE in trouble.'" "NO I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO GO SAVE THEY." "Hahaha, oh, Your Royal Intangibleness!! Your jests are appreciated, but ill-timed. Please, share with us your wisdom!" "THEY IS DYING RIGHT NOW. LITERALLY RIGHT NOW." "Please, Your Duskiness!! We have need of your guidance!! Do not tease us so!!" "I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU."

Mystic: OH MY GOOODDDDDD Mystic: I AMN DEAD Mystic: THIS IS GOLD HOLY SHIT Mystic: SENPAI YOU ARE WESOMENE Mystic: *AWESOME

Wing: LOLLLLL OMG THANK YOU I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I'M GIGGLING TOO PFFFFFF

Mystic: i was legit crying and wheexing throughout your commentary it's WONDERFUL

The Hero shall arise

from the ashes of a White Blossom,

breaking from the caging inferno,

of their fears and desires.”

After he was finished, questions immediately popped up:

“When will the Hero be born?”

“What race will he or she be?”

Wing: It's like they're discussing Jesus Wing: AND YAY THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY maybe I can convert this into a spork and just make the contributor anonymous but ;las;lk I'd want your comments in there too so MAYBE WE CAN PRETEND SOMEONE ELSE WROTE IT Wing: (unless you're not ashamed of it)

Mystic: BRUH I TOTALLY GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPORK THIS

Wing: ??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Mystic: I'm not ashamed at all man this has been collecting dust for a long time xD

“What do you mean by ‘a demise know by all, save they?’ and ‘arise from a White Blossom?’

“What catastrophe will we know of except for the Hero?”

“Quiet, quiet, my Children!” Shadow snapped. Everyone fell silent.

“The questions you ask, they are good ones. However, I am afraid I cannot answer them,” he said.

“Why not? Surely you must know exactly what’ll happen, if you can read off a freaking poem from your head,” the sassy female Wolverine snapped.

Wing: Uh, bruh, I've memorized a lot of song lyrics and poems and I don't know shit about the future

Mystic: I could recycle some of the plot and concepts but, obviously like 100X better xD Mystic: pffffft

“Empress Velma,

Wing: "Verily, I say unto my people, I hath lost my spectacles, and can see nary a thing without them."

I needn’t to make you upset, but that ‘poem’ is not only valuable, it is slightly cursed.

Wing: But only slightly. That's like saying “Oh, my great-uncle was only slightly murderous. He killed like, one...two guys, tops. Four. It was four. BUT ONLY TWO WERE EVER PROVEN”

I told you in the beginning—if the prophecy’s words were mixed up at all when retold, then the fate of Arybiana’s next Dark Time will come earlier then the predicted date. So let’s say, two years from now, Arybiana is doomed for a flood.

Wing: “[Sound of quills scratching on parchment]” "DAMMIT, GUYS, THAT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE. PUT YOUR DAMN PENS DOWN."

Mystic: PHFFFFFFF HAHAHAHA HAHDNJKDODFN Mystic: OMG MY BELLY OUW XD

If the word got around saying a hurricane or a tsunami was coming instead of a flood, the flood will arrive earlier than before, whether it was a day or a year.”

“That still doesn’t really make sense as to why you can’t spill the beans about this hero,” Velma retorted.

Wing: Jinkies!! Shaggy and Scoob ate the beans, that's why no one can spill 'em!!

“I cannot because of the all-too-real situation of misconstrued information. If knowledge of the Hero was mixed, then he shall arrive later—and by then, I am very afraid that Arybiana will be doomed,” the Arynan God stated.

Wing: Ohhh, so THAT'S why the Second Coming of Christ hasn't happened yet

Mystic: IM REALIZING JUST HOW STUPID THIS WHOLE SCENARIO IS

The Rulers were silent for a portion of the time.

Wing: I'm just imagining them taking a triangle out of a pie chart like "this is the silent portion"

Mystic: PFFFFFFF THAT'S PERFECT

Then, Rabbijack leader Kaylai spoke: “So, you are putting the pressure on us to get those very exact words out, correct?”

“Yes, I am indeed.”

“How about… we make a pact, then? So to keep true to the words of the Prophecy?” she inquired.

Her male counterpart, Rabbijack Emperor Freier, agreed. “I believe that is a splendid idea—that way, there shall be little doubt that the Prophecy will become lost within the mists of time.”

Wing: Look more mist

Mystic: its all a bunch of fucking misty omg Mystic: that's it that's all this country is

The fourteen other leaders nodded their heads and muttered their agreement. Then they turned to Shadow.

Wing: Just, bam. They were suddenly all shadows. Just like that

“I cannot see why not. I shall even put a slight enchantment on it as well, so you are even less likely to make that mistake,” he said finally.

Wing: "So should I just...should I just put this away?" said Emperor Jeff in the back, holding up his tape recorder, on which he had recorded the shitty prophecy. Wing: "KEEP THAT ANACHRONISTIC, SACRILIGEOUS WITCHCRAFT OUT OF HIS SHADOWYNESS'S PRESENCE," hissed some other royal or another; Jeff thought they all looked rather alike because everything was so fucking misty all the time. He wasn't really sure what his Empress even looked like. Too much damn mist.

Mystic: OH MY GODHSADFNM,KJAQWELBDJFGHJSAD Mystic: G\ Mystic: B R U H

With that, the High Rulers of Arybiana made what is now known as the Protection Pact,

Wing: Yo, I think high schools do that in Sex Ed classes

Mystic: PFFFFFFFFFFF Mystic: when i read that i was like "the fuck is it called the protection pact what are they protecting what the fuck"

meaning that no one could re-tell the Prophecy without knowing each detail of it. The enchantment was that, if the wrong words slip or a piece of the Prophecy wasn’t told, the Emperor or Empress that committed it will have their life cut short.

It didn’t take very long for that to happen.

Wing: Literally fucking why

Mystic: uh

Wing: Who was sitting in there rubbing their hands together evilly and thinking "heheheh I will endanger the lives of everyone by spreading false information at great personal risk to myself as well wahahaha!!!" Oh wait Everyone on the internet

Mystic: good question Mystic: BASICALLY Mystic: also another thing I noticed: apparently I really liked the amnesia trope back in 2013

The first to die after the Prophecy was Wolverine Empress Velma, who missed one crucial phase: instead of saying ‘from the ashes of a White Blossom,’ she said, ‘from the ashes.’ She passed away suddenly, the COD unknown.

Wing: The poor little fish had long loved her from afar, but his affections came to naught with the Empress's untimely death.

"I should have known that I could not dare to challenge fate," the cod wept, a tear escaping to join the silvery waters in which he lived, "for what time, what reason, would there ever come...for a Queen to love a fish?"

Mystic: Oh, right, I abbreviated "cause of death" to "COD".... which was pretty unnecessary xD

Wing: Emperor Jeff and Dear COD are my favorite characters now

Mystic: i am glad that you have found some love within my poorly executed story hahaha xD

After her mix-up, the rest of the Rulers began to die off.

Wing: Math class was forever changed, until the invention of calculators with built-in measuring functions Wing: And by the way:

"I shall even put a slight enchantment on it as well, so you are even less likely to make that mistake"

YOU SUCK, SHADOW. WORST GOD EVER.

Mystic: yeeahhhhhhhh, that probably wasn't the best idea there.

Aaaaand that’s all for now! Let me know if you enjoyed this spork of an original story. If it’s received well, I’d be glad to do it again soon!

[zeemonkey1]

Bill

I hate Bill. He is a garbage person. He thinks he knows everything. I think he calls Curious George a “city kid” in every episode he frequents.

“Hey, city kid, you don’t know how to ride a jetski?”

“Boy, you’re pretty good at cookin’ meth for a city kid!”

“I bet I’m better at choppin’ cotton than some city kid!”

Jeesus. He may not have ever said any of that, but it was kind of like that.

Fuckin Bill. Thinks he knows everything.

Curious George is not a kid, Bill, you sanctimonious know-it-all turd. I always thought he was some sort of chimpanzee, but even if he ain’t, even if he really is some sort of tailless monkey, he is still at least four times stronger than you, Bill. He could eat your face. I know he does that “aw shucks” little squeak every time you tell him how dumb city kids are, but you better believe that if that monkey ever snaps, if he ever REALLY snaps, you better sure as shit not be alone with him and gunless out in the wilderness.

One time I saw a fifteen-year-old female orangutan LAY DOWN, grab a tug-of-war rope with only one hand, stick the other hand two knuckles deep up her own ass, and pull a three-hundred-fifty-pound sumo wrestler right into a dadgum RAVINE, Bill. Youtube it—I ain’t lying.

If she did that, you better believe Curious George could break every bone in your body while eating a banana through a fence, Bill. MYH realizes that—I know he does—because never once has he insulted George, threatened him, or even spoke to him harshly. Can you imagine? The Man in the Yellow Hat (MYH) knows Curious George could skin him and fight off the cops at the same time.

And he wouldn’t go to jail for it. He’s a monkey, Bill. It would be your fault.

This last time, Curious George went hiking to photograph some wildlife. MYH told him the pictures he took—he, a monkey who never says a coherent word—would be part of a new nature exhibit at the museum. So off he went, snapping pictures of possums and snakes and whatever.

And oh boy lookee here, here the fuck comes Bill. Whatcha doin, city kid, betchu don’t know about this and that and etc. You really oughta take a picture of that fawn I saw but I can’t go with you, see,because I gotta fix this trail for the Nature Scouts. They trust me to do it, and then I’m gonna go swimming.”

Bill immediately whips out a hoe and begins to attack the middle of the nature trail. I have no idea what he is accomplishing; he’s randomly scraping the leaves like they’re part of a Zen garden.

George goes off looking for animal tracks to photograph. He does fairly well, too (for a city kid) until he stumbles upon some giant footprints that look like swim fins.

That’s because they ARE swim fins, but Curious George doesn’t know that, and he thinks he’s found a dinosaur.

Also—and this is the best part—there is a small, unbroken ditch running between the swim fins.

What could it be, Curious George? We will never know what he thought, because he ignores the ditch entirely. Does not even mention it. But there’s the ditch, running between the footprints the whole time Curious George is tracking his dinosaur.

Surprise—it’s Bill, who was wearing swim fins because “[he] had new boots and they were hurting his feet.” But the ditch? What about the ditch?

It was Bill’s hoe. He dragged it behind him while wearing swim fins through a forest.

Fuckin Bill.