#jesus i feel bad for her
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oh so THAT’S what you guys meant about persona 4.
#finally seriously attempting to finish it. just got to naoto’s whole. thing. jesus christ#btw i thought playing persona 5 on the family tv was bad but NOTHING prepares you for your 55 year old mother#watching you play through rise’s midnight channel scene. truly. and i can’t even explain what the hell is going on because I DONT KNOW#i am enjoying it though. i’d die and kill for nanako in a heartbeat#and i’m very slowly getting dojima to stop neglecting her which is great 😐👍#deeply scared for what is to come though because i still don’t know JACK SHIT#i feel like at this point in persona 5 i at least had a suspect. like i knew akechi was WEIRD at the very least#anyways. wish me luck everyone i haven’t actually saved naoto yet and im pretty sure im very underleveled#personal
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i cannot stop thinking about anissa and marky though [COMIC SPOILERS]
how did he react when he learned what his mother did? just like mark, he lived a lie. he thought his mother was kind and nice — the only thing that is true is that she loved him, but now, he has no idea if he should believe it
and. you've grown up being conditioned to believe that violence is peace, and that kindness is a lie and a weakness. you hurt people. by hurting a person, by destroying him irreparably, you found the boy you love most: your son. and you don't regret it. you hope one day, once he sees him, he'll get it. but you still don't regret it. you can't say you're sorry
marky will grow up without his biological father, because when mark hugs him he can only remember his mother and what she did to him. your father can't love you the way your mom did. you can't love your mother the way your father loved his
the worst part is, that it she hadn't done it, you wouldn't have existed. you wouldn't be here. your father will grow to love you. you will grow to accept each other. but you tend to wonder — if he never sees you as anything else other than your mother's son, then who will you have when everyone else you know dies?
#i hate anissa but also her character was done so well#like i hate her#fuck her#but jesus christ.#wow#i feel so bad for marky honestly#when anissa said “i don't regret it. tell him. tell him he'll understand when he sees him”#that shit hurt me#that was the WORST time for you to die girl#i was like “idc about anissa thank fuck she died” but then#i put myself in marky's place. and WOWWW#you gotta be strong to deam with that#YOU GOTTA BE STRONG TO BE ANY INVINCIBLE TBH#LIKE WOW.#thinking about mark now#imagine learning that the person who hurt you the most is a better person now#and that means she regrets kt#but then you learn right after her death that she does not regret it at all#you don't even get to hear an “i'm sorry”. not that you'd have listened to it#then you learn she had a son. with you. named AFTER YOU#honestly i can't blame him for allowing things to be THAT awkward w marky#i am so glad the reconciled tho I don't think I'd be able to live if mark's son hated him#tw sa mention#invincible#invincible comic#comic spoilers#marky grayson#anissa invincible#mark grayson#b4 anyone gets this wrong: I DO NOT SUPPORT WHAT ANISSA DID. it's just that marky's relationship w her is smth i would love to see explored
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girls when they are the one that gave eak his scar lmao. put them blades away brother
#πa art#fnafhs#fnafhs au#our au#fhs#fhs fanart#fnafhs fanart#cami fnafhs#cami fhs#anyways yeah cami cut eaks face awesomeee no clue how ur still friends#freddy and owynn if they were based WHO SAID THAT.#mantis are technically apex predators wowserssssss#her blood is nawt red. da guilt#something something#every day both her and me thank god that she didnt take one of eaks eyes out or something because jesus#i really hate this but if i dont post it then why did i waste my time doing it#ive been wanting to do art of cami and i cant and now that i tried it looks bad and i feel so bad lol
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had such a good experience with surgery today i can’t even fully explain
#🍄.txt#i’m so happy that fuck ass doctor referred me to another doctor in the building because he was so nice and attentive#taking the time to explain things to me and make sure i was good#even said oh well if ur really uncomfortable we can always go to the operating room! :)#when the other doctor treated me like a nuisance the whole time and like some dumb child#well if you can’t sit still they’re going to have to put you under elsewhere 🙄#I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT IN THE BUILDING? SHE MADE IT SEEM LIKE I WAS INCONVENIENCING HER THE WHOLE TIME#i was asking a bunch of questions because knowing makes me feel less nervous and he answered everything so clearly even when my mom was#asking questions too#recommending me different medications to keep this from happening again etc etc etc#so fucking bare minimum for a doctor but it was so nice seriously i wish i could thank him again for making it a more#comfortable experience#he put numbing shots on the inside AND outside of my lid just in case we needed to go from the outside this time#and while it hurt obviously it was so much better than the single shot she gave me the first time three weeks ago#she told me this would be a much more extensive surgery and here i am with my eyelid barely swollen 😐#i could barely see with it open three weeks ago immediately after because it hurt too much and was so swollen#what the fuck how do you have such contrasting experiences with two people who literally work together in the same building#anyway bad doctor experiences are always so fucking bad but when you have a really good experience it just feels crazy and insane#like wow thank u for treating me like a person#did i mention i actually left with care instructions this time written out. and the medicine recommendations on a physical piece of paper#i didn’t even get that after surgery with her how is that not below bare minimum#like this actually surprised me. jesus christ
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I love my mom, but sometimes she’ll insist on characterizing something I struggle with (math, keeping my car neat) as some kind of deliberate lifestyle choice that’s “fine.” Which is one part woo-woo junk psychology and one part a workaround so she can snark at me without acknowledging that she’s being kind of mean.
#if it were something that actually affected her and she was frustrated I’d get it#if she was giving unsolicited advice I have a high tolerance for that#but she wants to have fun at my expense and not feel bad about it#and it’s like. jesus. just snark about me behind my back like an adult
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not to be a screenager but i'm actually fucking tweaking without my phone rn
#hi i forgot i can use tumblr from my laptop. idc abt that tho i'd be fine without all social media i just need to be able#to text my damn friends. jesus#.txt#also i was supposed to hang out w c this wknd but i guess that's not happening. and now i won't be able to see my friends or run any errand#till next wknd and that won't even happen bc i'm so busy w family stuff/my aunt's upcoming wedding#also now julia's gonna think i'm ignoring her which i feel soooo bad abt omg. at least c's probably assumed i'm not responding bc i don't#have it#also i need to call the damn uni abt the change of name/gender form bc i need to know what it'll affect and stuff before i can even apply#for my student ID which i sorta need rq
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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have not left bed today + found out another friend got locked up + want to beat up every single adult that saw what was happening to me and looked away or actively made it worse
#personal#vent#suicide mention tw#i need to call her. last time we talked she said she was going to kill herself if she got incarcerated again#i love her. nothing makes me more angry at so many systems than trying to do suicide support with my friends who are locked up#trying to do this shit over the phone with people listening in. trying to figure out what meaningful support we can even give#because when she says that death is better than months of solitary i know exactly how she feels and what she means and i cannot fucking#most of the skills mainstream peer support has ever taught me are useless in that situation and my best is not enough#there are so many places that need to be burnt down.#there are so many people i love who are not out and it starts to kill me a little bit#and cops are starting to fuck with us here more. i've gotten bruised up a couple times from being shoved around#nothing too bad yet but just#jesus christ#sorry for coming on here to vent all the time but my offline life is a little crazy at the moment and half this shit i can't talk about irl#i honestly think i need to like. start learning how to fight properly again. bc i have so much anger right now#and learning how to actually fight sounds like a better idea then fucking off and getting into random fights like i used to#idk. will look into it
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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hmm I think instead of feeling bad I will simply project this bad onto The Character . for funsies .
#just blahs#not gonna do anything abt it bcs idk how i could but ovuehncke sparrow with scrupulosity ocd <3#just consider with me sparrow being terrified of accidentally saying anything wrong or offending literally anyone#and her completely accidentally saying smthin offensive and trying to figure out how to properly deal with that#without just making the whole situation about herself rather than the person she actually offended#bcs shes afraid that makes her a bad person who just didnt care enough to be aware of herself#gets a bit venty past this point but guys im literally pinky promising you rn I'm ok and ill figure it out please no one bring it up to me#and nobody think about the fact that im projecting rn just think about sparrow ok#this is my way of dealing w similar stuff w/o making it about me bcs ik that thats a shitty thing to do and i need to work it out myself#aughhncns literally every time goddamnit . i accidentally do smthin wrong and then someone (very kindly !!!) tells me hey that was wrong#and then i have a breakdown about it and feel bad and overthink it for the next like week#jesus fucking christ ok it's fine im being patient with myself and i know no one thinks im a bad person#and i know that they know i didnt mean it#and i know that i did say smthin insensitive and thats just something i have to be aware of#and the fact that i said it doesn't mean that im a terrible horrific irredeemable person#i'm trying my best now to be aware of it and be better and think abt whst they said and that's all i can do and thats ok#its fine .#anyways .#also hi cookies if you see this genuinely thank you for telling me tho like i do appreciate it and i am ok dw
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in therapy today i just talked about the dark urge and astarion and my therapist was elated about it. it was fantastic. “wow you’ve really been using this story and those characters to process things. that’s amazing!”
the era of being ashamed of my interests is over. it’s apparently Cool and Healthy to use fiction to cope. i wish i could tell fifteen year old me about this it would blow her mind
#she speaks#arctic plays bg3#bad brains blogging#you’re gonna have to pry SFF from my cold dead hands because ‘this creature is not human but nonetheless a person’ is THE most#important thing ever actually#i love taking my feelings and experiences and externalising and concretising them through metaphor#my favourite thing about astarion is how he both has literal cptsd AND metaphorically through his vampirism#that fucking rules#also shoutout to another thing therapist said today:#she was originally sceptical of my potentially having autism#then she was like ‘ok you have some traits but you’re probably not diagnosable’#then today she was like ‘you make so much sense when one thinks of you through the lense of autism’#amen sister i’ve been right there with you#but now i’m getting my second assessment soon! which won’t change anything about me i am and will be ‘tism-y regardless#but it’s going to be interesting to see what happens#also i told her about my WISC scores and she was like ‘jesus christ tell them to evaluate you for adhd too’ so uhhh#they already screened me for that and i believe i tested negative but let’s see#the WISC score was why i was even referred for an assessment so
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...
#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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lol remember when eivor was like "i will not be captive to another man's gaudy design. my destiny is mine to weave." and then she. proceeded to be captive to a man's idea of what she should be and did not, in fact, weave her own destiny because she was too busy following the old god in her head despite having previously expressed blatant disinterest (and that's putting it mildly) in doing so. and then after finally finding safety and comfort among her people after a lifetime of scrounging and clawing for every ounce of happiness she ever got she then proceeded to die alone on the opposite side of an ocean from everyone who ever loved her and who she loved in return.
#normal and not at all ooc!! nothing to see here!!!#are we all just being hit by The Rage at the same time? cause that's what it feels like lmao#hahaha girlbonding (gn)#i don't remember who it was but someone said something that i'm definitely about to misquote#about the way that this ending makes more sense for male eivor (havi) than canon eivor#like a man who decides to abandon everything in the pursuit of knowledge with his past self who was also a dude? yeah sure! whatever#still sucks!! but i can almost see it#but eivor spending the rest of her life obsessing over her past life in which she was a man? feels bad!!#and they could have done some really interesting stuff with exploring eivor's relationship with her gender (gnc king) but they didn't#this was not that. like it was very clearly not written with that intent#and eivor abandoning everyone she loves in service of havi's own ends denies eivor agency in a way that feels soooo fucking gross#and it reeks of 'man writes ending for a character arc that would make sense for a male character'#idek if i'm making sense but like once again#i never wanted or expected a perfectly happy ending for her but jesus christ i feel like not wanting her to end up alone was not a tall ask#ac valhalla#eivor varinsdottir#eivor varinsdóttir#ky posts text#ac.txt
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dont want to talk to my mom about this but I think I have toooo ://
#camera talks#she made a comment about the fact that I am like. a Little hesitant on going on T eventually#(just a few parts I don’t want but overwhelmingly it would make me feel better)#and I was asking her about what to put down for reason to change my name#(gender identity or transitioning etc)#and she was like ‘well if that’s why your changing it’ WHAT?#ive identified as trans since 7th grade. who the fuck does she think she is??#I’m quite literally trans and I’m changing my name because it make me feel better in my gender#just because I don’t present masc doesn’t mean I’m not trans but it feels like that was what she was implying#like not kidding it made me feel so disgusting and yuck#I feel really bad. what did she mean by that. why did she say that#jesus fucking hell im going sick over this.#I don’t have to prove my transness to her but this feels so bad#vent
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also i literally saw her group dancing w her ex situationship & her friend group on friday and jesus christ . i know it means nothing cuz shes always seemed awkward around her ex situationship and her friends are sort of friends with her ex situationship but its just like jessu fucking chirst. she wont look atme but shell dance w the other girl . im going to die
#its like idk. i guess its jealousy but not in a 'how dare she' cuz i KNOW her ex situationship is friends w her group and also its not like#they were really a couple so its probs not as awkward for her to talk to her but JESUS IT MADE ME FEEL SOOOOO SHITTY HOLY SHIT#LIKE ??? WHAT THE FUCK#you say you 'cherished our time together' and 'want to be friends' but every time you meet my eyes you look like you want to be anywhere el#and then youll dance around with this other BTICH LIKE FUCKK ME#and again im overreacting because its not like tehy were fucking grinding or whatever#and in fact she was across from her ex situationship so they werent even ACTUALLY dancing toegehr#and i feel bad for feeling shitty and jealous or whatever#but i still cant help it i feel so shitty about it
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.
#sorry to vent post yet again the pms is pms-ing. i am ultimately in the end ok and this too shall pass etc#cw pet death#UNNA IS FINE no worries#i just. i just really miss Pulmu. my baby my sweet old lady. jesus fucking christ#i just. idk i still hold a lot of regret over her last months. i loved her so much I DID but no amount of love#and money and guilt and open mouth sobbing could make her not Old and Sick.#i just refused to see that because i wanted her to be alright so badly#i feel so bad about letting my feelings go over her comfort. i'm so sorry baby i shouldnt have hung on to you as long as i did#of i could change one thing about the whole of world's history it would be that. so you wouldnt have to die scared in a hospital#but i cant do that. i just have to live with the memory#usually i try not to be too hard on myself about it. first of all because beating myself up about it doesnt change anything#and also because i recognize that i was profoundly mentally ill about the whole thing. (not joking)#like i genuinely dont think i have ever felt and been worse than i did when Pulmu was old and sick. i wasnt thinking clearly.#i should have been but i wasnt.#it has been 1 year and about 8 months since her passing and still sometimes i dont know what the hell to do with all that grief#some days i'm completely fine and i can talk about her without problems. and some days i sob into my pillow feeling like i just got shot#ah well. nothing to it but to keep on trucking#i hope she's fine wherever she is.
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