#jtkchu's brain

[jimkirkachu]

sometimes I think maybe I will try to look at / work on / actually finish one of the 1701 K/S WIPs in my drafts, or maybe attempt to put one of the K/S pictures in my head onto paper

and then I remember how very many K/S content creators there are; how much better than me most if not all of them are at the craft in question; how badly out of touch I am with the fandom / franchise; and how small, insignificant, and generally unlikable I am

[jimkirkachu]

"Hungry but I haven't done anything to deserve food today"

One of my least favorite mental illness things is "hungry but dont feel like eating" and its companions "hungry but all the food in the house is Illegal," "hungry but can't make anything," and "hungry, want to eat, but why bother"

[jimkirkachu]

are Attractive People ever impressed by or interested in people who are unattractive but can correctly identify all 197 Sporcle-recognized countries, capitals, and flags of the world?

[jimkirkachu]

I just wanted to let you know that you’ve written some of my absolute favorite fics I’ve ever read in my entire life. I’m so sorry someone said that to you and I honestly have no idea what they were talking about because your writing has gotten me through some really rough days.

I understand if you’re not in a place to hear this, I just wanted to let you know. 💙💛💙💛

Thank you so much, friend 💙💛💙💛 I really appreciate your readership, your support, and your encouragement. I don't deserve any of it, and I'm shocked and humbled that anything I wrote could have had such an effect--so thank you even more 😔💔💛💙💛💙

I just mentioned this to someone else, but if there's anything I've put on ao3 that you might want to have permanent access to, I would advise downloading it. I feel so bad that my work hurt someone and I don't want to risk doing the same thing to anyone else, so my account or fics might be deleted/orphaned sometime soon. If it comes to that, I'll mention it here and on ao3 before I do anything, but... no time like the present, better safe than sorry, I guess.

Thank you again for being so kind and generous to me 😔💔💜💜💜 And please take care of yourself. 🖖💙💛

[jimkirkachu]

do you ever just

(x)

[jimkirkachu]

does your heart ever just.

ache

[jimkirkachu]

happy pride

want to die

[jimkirkachu]

would captain kirk PLEASE report to jtkchu's quarters with a phaser set on vaporize or obliterate or whatever and just get rid of them already?

[jimkirkachu]

Captain Kirk is absolutely the guy who always makes sure to say "I love you" to his friends before parting company because you just never know what's going to happen and he wants them to know they're appreciated just in case

(And yes he always means it)

[jimkirkachu]

Do you have someone to talk to? Like therapy, or even just a free helpline? I mean, just ranting on here as an outlet is fine; it's your space, and people like myself are listening - and happy to listen. No judgement. x

(response got kinda long, so let's use a cut)

Ah....... well, so....... I have a therapist through an online service, so it's all text-based through a separate app/client that is hit and miss on her end; she's had some issues with the thing not giving her notifications when her patients send messages to her, so I don't really know how to make that better. As it stands, I "talk" to her about once a month because I'm too afraid of/anxious about video and phone communications in general to do a virtual appointment, and I've still never been able to get myself to an in-person visit (I'm also not sure if she's back to in-office visits yet from quarantine times). Just the thought still gives me mild panic attacks. But I have no standard to compare this with--is it typical to pay about $150/month for therapy and only talk to your therapist once in that span? (Well, with online services anyway.) Is that a typical rate for one in-office visit? I genuinely don't know.

So, all that said... I do technically have someone to talk to, but she's weirdly difficult to access. And all our communications are delayed/not "timely," per se. I just feel really bad and selfish/self-absorbed here, I mean people come on their blogs/dashboards expecting to see fun stuff and all I use mine for anymore is just to moan about my crappy mental health. Hopefully people are unfollowing me as needed, the last thing I want/intend to do is make anything worse for anybody else in the world 🤦😣

[[I would like to mention to anybody reading this that I almost never check my follower count so I won't be offended if you need to unfollow me for any reason.]]

I just don't feel comfortable talking about Emotions™ with anyone in person, and I don't want to burden any specific people here with my crap. It's the classic depression-self-help-article conundrum: "Afraid to talk about your feelings? Feel like no one loves you? Talk about these feelings with someone who loves you!" 🤦 Since I have no immediate source of in-person validation or comfort, I've gotten in this really bad habit of making these pathetic blog posts and hoping some poor, compassionate, unsuspecting soul might be passing by online and for whatever reason put themselves in the position of talking me off a ledge at 4am cst. I did the same thing with my LiveJournal as a teenager... apparently, I never learned how to communicate about anything more serious than small-talk by any means other than "post publicly to a wide pool of strangers in the hopes my sad, sob-story net might catch one who can tolerate me long enough to get me through x/y/z episode."

Thank you for touching base though, anon, and for your kind words. 💜💜💜 It really means so much more than I can express to have access to a network of who-knows-how-many people online at all/various times of the day and night, and that at almost any time I can put up one of my desperate cries for attention and have somebody respond. Maybe something like tumblr/the internet in general would have saved the lives of the people in my ancestry who died from their mental illnesses. It's certainly saved mine. 💜💜💜 (Jury is still out on whether that's a good thing or not.) Thanks for being so generous and caring, I hope someday I have a chance to repay/properly thank you for your help and support. 💛💙🖖

[jimkirkachu]

you’ve been afk for a while, are you alright? what happened? 🥺🥺 (੭ ･᷄﹏･᷅)੭ु⁾ any Kitty updates?

Hi hon, thank you for your note and your lovely emoji guy!! Those sparkles...... they're so magical......! 👀✨

(Sob story follows)

(Disclaimer: I promise I'm not deliberately trying to gain sympathy or pity!!!)

So........ it's been a rough few months. I've had an aunt and a cousin pass away; my longtime mentor retired but I had to, well... avoid the huge celebration that was thrown in his honor because The Abuser was there (thankfully I knew ahead of time so I wasn't blindsided, but it still sucked not to be there); and I've sort of been having a whole identity crisis, trying to figure out if I'm non-binary, gender non-conforming, gender confused for sure, then trying to communicate that to my family, and everyone I've told has been very supportive (for which I'm extremely grateful!) but it's just stressful trying to get up the nerve to talk about such personal things when you have no idea how it's going to be received. Especially when you're accustomed to never talking out loud about Anything personal because you've been conditioned to understand that your feelings are Too Much to dump on any one person and every time you've slipped up in the past and even obliquely talked about your feelings, you've gotten in trouble for it. (Let's just put it this way: I'm in a text message group chat which is active every day, and I got to a point where it was making my mental health so bad that I muted all the notifications--and I now have 709 unread messages as of this writing.)

On top of all that, there's the unfortunate kitty news. My cat (the big black one, Ensign Kittycat) is doing just fine (and my dearest anon, you have reminded/inspired me to come up with a new kitty/Trekky post sometime soon 🤔🥰). My mom's cat, however, is rather old and has been in declining health for the last couple of years. It's been at least a year since she lost whatever was left of her hearing (she's always had bad ears), but about 3 months ago she also lost most of her sight, and it was actually an overnight change, which was really freaky and scary. One day she was deaf but otherwise pretty much fine, the next morning she walked directly into the light from my bedside lamp and stared up at me with her eyes Fully dilated, and ever since that night/morning she's gotten around by memory, possibly by sensing light/darkness, but mostly just by feeling her way with her whiskers, which means she gently bumps into everything (walls, furniture, people, other cat, etc.) and it's just... really sad. Our vet confirmed that she is definitely in kidney failure, so we've started her on a whole plethora of medications, and I know it sounds like a weak excuse for being emotionally exhausted but it's really taken a toll. She wails about a dozen times a day/night (loud enough to be heard across the house and/or to wake us up) any time she goes to lie down somewhere and feels... pain? loneliness? who knows? I know she's "just" a pet, and she's technically not even my pet. But she's been part of our family for 17 years and being essentially incapable of helping her, having to watch her health/comfort/quality of life slowly decline is devastating. 😔

Otherwise, it's been the same old song and dance with the multiple mental illnesses, the unemployment, the constant comparisons between self and more-successful friends/peers/family members, the fantastically inconvenient sleep phase problems, and the overall feelings of worthlessness/hopelessness. 😕 It's all been something of a hindrance to my writing and creativity in general, which is a frustration in its own right, but... I think I've whined enough for one post (yikes).

I'm so sorry anon, I wish I had better things to report. 😔😣 But I really appreciate you checking in 💜💜💜 Thank you for caring; I hope things are going more smoothly for you than they are for me!

[jimkirkachu]

realizing you have nothing to contribute to a fandom anymore when (to even Pretend you're emotionally stable) you have to block the tags for every incarnation of it since 1986

[jimkirkachu]

I'm sorry for being such a naïve and irritating buffoon