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sweeter-innocence-fics · 7 months

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You Brought Your Worst and I’m Right Here - Chapter Three: … and you have grabbed the scissors

Pairing: Gale of Waterdeep x female Tav

Work Summary:

After an explosive falling out between Gale and his academic adviser, Mystra, Tav is left to pick up the pieces.

Modern/College AU.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Epilogue

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 2519

Read on AO3.

Masterlists.

Taglist: @mrs-kai-anderson @ang3l1te @missryerye

Taglist info

Previous Chapter

Notes:

In case you couldn't tell, I adore Wyll. If you also love him, I posted a modern/college AU one-shot for Wyll/Tav the other day, so check that out if you fancy it.

Warnings for vomiting, depression, anxiety

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Back during her first week at university, Tav hadn’t been coping well with being thrust suddenly into adulthood. She was eighteen years old, a long way from home, with no friends or family within a hundred miles of the city where she now lived. Her assigned housemates were all perfectly nice, but she was painfully shy and had seemingly very little in common with them. Her social anxiety was at an all-time high.

One morning, she had an orientation for a maths module, but she had somehow managed to sleep through her alarm and so was running late.

She was mortified. Standing outside of the lecture theatre, one hand on the door, it took all of her energy not to turn around and go right back to bed. Steeling herself, she opened the door.

A few heads turned her way. The lecture theatre was almost full. There was nowhere she could sit quietly, away from everyone else. She was about ready to turn tail and flee, when someone waved at her, catching her eye.

The boy definitely had more books on his desk than was necessary. Tav didn’t think the reading list for this module was even that long. He gestured to the empty seat beside him, giving her a questioning look. Tav took the seat gratefully.

She recognised the boy from some of her other orientations. He was handsome, with warm, dark eyes and shoulder length brown hair tied up into a loose bun.

“You looked lost,” he said, quietly.

She flushed. “No, just… looking for somewhere to sit.”

“Well, you found it.” He offered her his hand. “I’m Gale.”

“Tav,” she said, shaking his hand. It was an oddly formal greeting, but Gale was strange like that.

Tav thought that that would be the end of it, but at the end of the lecture, as she was packing her things into her bag, he turned to her again.

“What did you think of the lecture?” he asked. “Personally it feels like we’re going to be re-treading a lot of old ground here, but then, not everyone did A Level Further Maths, I suppose.” This maths module was compulsory for science students, so it covered a pretty broad range of topics.

She shrugged. “I must admit, I’m a little rusty.”

“Well, if you ever need any pointers-” He was cut off by an embarrassingly loud growl from her stomach. There was a moment of awkward silence where she wished that the ground would swallow her whole, but then he said “Hungry?” She took a moment to assess whether he might’ve been teasing her, but he seemed earnest.

“I didn’t have a chance to have breakfast.”

“I’m pretty peckish myself. The campus café has pretty good breakfasts. Cheap, too. Do you fancy it?”

He was smiling at her now. If it was anyone else, she might’ve felt unnerved, but there was something so kind about his expression.

“Sure.”

The rest was history.

Tav fell asleep in the back of the car on the way home from the hospital. Her face was pressed against the cool glass, and she only stirred when Shadowheart put a tentative hand on her shoulder.

“Hey,” said Shadowheart softly. “We ordered pizza. Should be here in twenty minutes.”

Tav glanced around. They were parked right outside their house.

“Did you get garlic pizza bread?” she asked hazily.

“Sure did. Wedges too. Come on.”

Tav braced herself from the cold outside. It was almost two in the morning now. It was lucky that, being a student town, their local pizza place was open until 4am.

The air was bitingly cold. Rain whipped at the skin of her face. Wyll had gone ahead and opened the front door, so she rushed inside and out of the cold, Shadowheart close behind her. Tav didn’t realise she was trembling until she felt Shadowheart’s hands push hers out of the way, helping her unzip her jacket.

“Pyjamas, pizza, and then bed,” said Shadowheart, firmly. “Don’t fall asleep before the food arrives.”

“I won’t.”

“Come on.”

Tav couldn’t help but glance at Gale’s bedroom door as they passed it. It was wide open, and they must’ve forgotten to turn off the light earlier, because it was still on. Gale’s bed stared back at her, tauntingly, traces of vomit encrusted in the sheets. By the time she felt the bile rushing up her throat, it was too late.

“Shit!” Shadowheart jumped back to avoid getting puked on. Tav collapsed against the wall, hands on her knees. Her eyes were wet with tears. A shuddering sob escaped her lips. She covered her mouth, embarrassed, ashamed. “Hey, hey,” murmured Shadowheart. “It’s okay, it’s okay, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Is everything alright up there?” called Astarion from downstairs. He popped his head out into the hallway and then grimaced at the sight in front of him.

“We could use a hand.”

He wrinkled his nose. “I’ll get Wyll.”

“Astarion.”

He sighed. “Fine, I’ll help.”

“You d-don’t have to,” said Tav, breath catching awkwardly between sobs. “I’ll do it, I made the mess-”

“You will do no such thing,” said Astarion. “You go and get yourself cleaned up. You’re a mess, darling.”

“Come on,” said Shadowheart again, tugging Tav towards the main bathroom. “You should shower. You’ll feel much better when you do.”

“Okay,” said Tav numbly.

“Do you want my help?”

Tav shook her head awkwardly. Her and Jen had got changed in front of each other many times. Being the only two girls in the house, they had seen each other in various states of undress countless times. Plus, with Shadowheart’s hospital experience, she had seen far worse. Still, Tav wanted to be alone for a little while.

First, she brushed her teeth. As she was doing so, there was a knock on the door. She opened it to see Shadowheart again, holding a pair of Tav’s pyjamas, clean underwear and a bottle of water.

“Drink this,” she said, passing the water to Tav. “And sorry I went through your drawers but I figured it would make it easier. I’ll see you downstairs in a little bit?”

“Sure.”

Once she was alone, it took a lot of energy for Tav to coax herself into the shower. It was only the promise of pizza that waited for her once she was done that kept her going.

Shadowheart had been right. Clean and dressed in fresh pyjamas, she did feel better physically, if not emotionally. She trudged down the stairs and found her flatmates sitting around the living room, digging in to their pizzas.

None of them were talking. It was strange to eat without conversation, or the tv on in the background, but she understood why. She didn’t know what to say, either.

She collapsed onto the big sofa where they’d saved a space for her and picked up her own pizza box. She hadn’t realised how hungry she was until the food was right in front of her. She hadn’t been able to think about eating since she found Gale, and it was catching up with her now.

She ate ravenously, barely taking time to swallow between bites. In any other situation, she was sure her friends would be calling her out for her terrible table manners, but no one said anything.

After a little bit, the mania that seemed to have gripped her subsided. She felt full and a little sick. Still, no one was talking.

To everyone’s surprise, it was Wyll who finally broached what they’d all been thinking.

“Why didn’t he just talk to us?” he said, a tremor in his voice. Tav didn’t have an answer. She wiped her greasy hands on the wipes that the restaurant provided, and then put her arms around him.

It was about midday when Tav woke to a gentle knocking on her bedroom door. For a moment, she was confused, her eyes almost crusted shut, feeling more exhausted than she ever had before.

Wyll opened the door and poked his head in.

“Hey,” he said. “Sorry for waking you. Me and Astarion are going to see Gale now. Do you want to come with?”

Tav’s stomach lurched, memories of the day before flooding in.

Wyll must’ve seen something in the expression on her face, because he said, “You don’t have to, I know you must be exhausted, I just figured you’d want to know that we were going.”

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. In truth, she really, really didn’t want to go back to the hospital. Now that she knew that Gale was alive, the urgency to see him was gone. The shame in his eyes, the way he wouldn’t look at her: it was all unbearable.

But she couldn’t say no. What kind of person would she be if she refused to go and see her supposed best friend in the hospital after a suicide attempt?

She pulled back the covers and started to get to her feet.

“Are you alright?” asked Wyll. “You don’t look very well.” She paused in her movements, looking up at him. He looked conflicted. “We can absolutely wait for you if you want to come with us, but please don’t feel pressured to if you’re not feeling well. Gale wouldn’t want you to make yourself sick.”

“I should… stay…” said Tav, feeling unquestionably relieved. She was pretty sure Wyll had been intentionally giving her an out.

“Do you need anything? More water?”

“No, thanks.”

“Okay. Jen will probably check on you in a bit, alright?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you later.”

And with that, he left her alone. She shuffled to the end of her bed so that she could pull her curtains open. When she saw how sunny it was outside, she almost regretted it. She was so tired, and now she had another reason to feel guilty about not getting out of bed. She could almost hear her mother’s voice in her head saying “it’s a beautiful day, why are you wasting it in bed?”

“Shut up,” she muttered to herself and then she lay back down and pulled the covers over herself again.

Over the next few days, it became a bit of a routine. Tav was becoming an expert in finding reasons not to visit Gale in hospital. She was ill, or she had studying to do, or she had classes to go to. None of her friends ever pushed her.

It wasn’t like Gale was alone. As well as all of their flatmates, there were a whole lot of their mutual friends – Karlach, Lae’zel, Minsc – who were all too happy to take turns visiting him. Wyll was there almost every day. His mother was there doting over him too.

According to Wyll, Gale wasn’t allowed to leave until he’d done a few mandated psychiatric appointments. That made sense to her. She was glad he was getting help.

On the fourth day of Gale’s hospital stay, Tav got a text from him that made the guilt hit her stomach like a stone.

Missing you

Suddenly, every excuse that she’d used to avoid seeing him was rattling around in her brain. She was an arsehole. Why couldn’t she bring herself to go and see her friend who needed her?

She stared at the text. What could she possibly say? “Sorry, I’ve just been so busy”? That was a weak excuse. “Sorry, the thought of you dying has sent me into a depressive spiral and I can barely get out of bed most days”? Hardly something she could say over text. “I miss you too”? Then why the fuck hadn’t she gone to see him?

So she ignored it. She swallowed the clawing, anxious guilt that sat in her chest, and she ignored him.

She would never say it loud, but a part of her was so, so angry with him. They were best friends. She loved him. Why hadn’t he told her what was going on with him?

He had always been pretty arrogant. Is that what this was? Was he too prideful to admit he needed help? What had she ever done to deserve being cut out the way she had? Why hadn’t he trusted her?

She knew she was being unreasonable. Depression wasn’t fair or rational. Her friendship wasn’t enough to save him, evidently. That wasn’t his fault.

She had shed more tears over this over the past few days than she’d care to admit. Her flatmates had seen her breakdown by now more times than she could count. Still, when someone knocked on her bedroom door that evening, she did her best to scrub away the obvious tears on her cheeks.

To her relief, it was Shadowheart. She wasn’t sure she could handle the pitying way that Wyll and Astarion had taken to looking at her right now.

“Hey, can I come in?” she asked.

“Go ahead,” said Tav.

Shadowheart shut the door behind her and came and sat on Tav’s bed. “I just got back from the hospital. Gale is coming home tomorrow.”

“That’s- that’s good.” Tav’s voice was shaky and weak. Jen put a hand on her arm. “That’s…”

Tav was blinking furiously. Gale was getting out of hospital. That was good, right? She no longer needed to come up with excuses not to see him. Still, her stomach twisted with the guilt that she had managed to go for his entire hospital stay only seeing him once. Didn’t she love him? What kind of monster doesn’t go and see the person they love in hospital?

Shadowheart pulled her into a hug. Tav trembled against her, closing her eyes.

“I’m an arsehole,” she whimpered.

“No, you’re not,” said Shadowheart.

“I am. I never went to see him. I never-”

“Tav…”

“I love him, Jen.” The words burst out of her, making her heart clench. Jen, to her credit, didn’t seem at all surprised. “I love him so much and I can’t even bring myself to come and see him when he clearly needs it. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. This is hard for all of us.”

“I’m the only one acting like this!”

“You’re closer to him than anyone. It makes sense that you would react more strongly.” Shadowheart was rubbing her back gently. Tav trembled, feeling like she didn’t deserve the comfort.

“Gale needs me.”

“Gale needs all of us. You can’t take care of him at your own expense, Tav. Gale has never been alone through this. He’s got me and Wyll and Astarion. Karlach and Lae’zel. His mum. And everyone else. Don’t ever feel like you’re abandoning him. He has so many loved ones around him to look after him. He is not alone. You need to look after yourself first.”

Tav didn’t have an answer to that. It was too late to change the past. All she could do now is try to do her best going forward.

“Wyll’s cooking tonight,” said Shadowheart. “We were thinking of watching a movie. You wanna join us?”

Tav nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’d like that.”

Next Chapter

#bg3 gale #gale x tav #gale dekarios x tav #bg3 fic #baldurs gate 3 fanfiction

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datastate · 1 year

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augh. i’m on mobile now so i can’t write out my every detailed thought (though i will probably a longer post on this later with basic descriptions for other people’s refs + for me to reflect on when/if i can draw them out), but the gist of a few of the main scenes in my mind:

- kai: very few personal items that are not clothes or gifts. never buys more food than need be, and always sets up his living space to be something that can easily be repacked and moved elsewhere. if it weren’t for his bedroom and the chidouins’ vase of flowers in the kitchen, you wouldn’t realize anyone even lived in this apartment.

- sara: the chidouins have photos of family hanging up in a lot of places, and mr. chidouin displays a photobook next to his safe on the shelving. their walls are made of dark red wood, having a warm & rich (literal and figurative) feel to it... usual upkeep thanks to kai, but they have a bit of traditional fabric as the table setting + in blankets, and then custom furniture... sara lives at the furthest end of the house, & her window is barred off... but her father gifted her a telescope. and has a desk in her room to focus in evenings so her parents can relax w tv or talking. mr. chidouin has an office on the other end of the house, reinforced soundproofing in these walls. sara has a jewelry box and small music box she keeps in the jewelry box’s drawer.. ahh and so much more.. so much more. i will leave that for later.

- reko: an apartment that’s generally clean (bc she has friends over often), jackets strewn around near the door (she doesn’t wanna stick her jackets in with her normal clothes, and doesn’t have any other closet really) & her shoes haphazardly shoved into the shoe cabinet (except her boots). with posters plastered up in her room, almost always has a candle set on top of her dresser that’s lit. a camera at her bedside, with cool knives in her drawer. has a slightly elevated bed, with instruments tucked in the section beneath & hidden by her sheets falling over the side of the bed. so on... mostly smaller, random things hanging around to indicate she’s here. she has random notebooks she often forgets she leaves out with sketches/notes/lyrics/people's numbers, it's a fun surprise for later! (read: a friend finds it and asks her what the tagalog means and she is like hm. something management won't like. lemme rewrite this chorus and we can try it)

- shin: family has cats... they mostly stay in his room, & with general cleanliness, he rarely reuses clothes and has his laundry hamper at the end of his bed that the cats climb up to sleep with him at night. family keeps a photobook, but has no photos actually hanging around. shin’s bed is against the wall furthest from the window, which has a (now sunbleached) blanket thrown over it instead of a proper curtain because they went so long without actually getting one that’d keep the sun from peering in and waking him up despite staying up until 4am and wanting to sleep in. whole computer + desk + high quality speakers in his room with a specified drawer of labeled hard drives. very clean; despite wavering energy, he sanitizes & replaces his sheets at least once every two weeks.

- keiji: went into this a bit earlier, but yeah... unorganized place. dishes on his kitchen counters instead of cupboards, which just contributes to ingredients being in the living room of all places; has a chair in his room w clothes that aren’t dirty enough to warrant cleaning yet; tools he idly messes with & mail he has to read just tend to pile up wherever he tried settling down to work with it... mostly struggles to manage repetitive menial things on his own.

- kanna: so so many flower & other plants :] has a large tree just outside her window that she used to fantasize of crawling out of her window and climbing down. names plants, though kugie struggles to keep up. has a lot of sketches of plants scattered around because kugie keeps forgetting to buy a folder for her to put them in so they aren’t all over their dresser & the floor, but keeps her plant pattern-pressing book on her at almost all times, otherwise it’s in their shared bedside drawer. kanna is the one who likes changing sheets & finds putting on bedsheets enriching... theey have a full body mirror that the kizuchis’ grandfather made that kanna stuck so many stickers on when she was younger. kugie keeps her backpack next to her bed, in-between the table drawer; kanna has hers hanging on the foot of her bed..

+ more later...ahhi’m. so asleep. goodnigh

#i repeated myself w the last two augghg...!! it's fine.. i hope you enjoy nonetheless...#they are so distinct in my mind's eye... reflecting so many things about eachperson in the most subtle ways #jestersvaguely #yttdposting #long post

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jasminebutintaiwansojiemin · 2 months

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July 15th, 2024 星期一 - Chiang Kai Shek Memorial, Presidential building, Shilin Night Market, The Grand Hotel, etc.

I went to bed very early yesterday, so I woke up around 4am. I have a lot going back at uni so I had to do A LOT of administrative stuff whilst half asleep since it was afternoon over there. After doing that for a few hours, I got up and went to breakfast around 7am. I’ve been trying to limit my portions lately, so thankfully I didn’t eat too much.

After breakfast, I went to the 15th floor where I did a zoom meeting for one of my dances and then started recording a series of videos for one of my clubs. I successfully did 2/4, but then on the third video, this lady walked in with her kids and interrupted me so i just ended it there. Then I returned to my room and laid in the bed before going to find a bookstore with my roommate. After what felt like a million years trying to find this bookstore with the most obscure location ever, we finally found it. Unfortunately they didn’t have what she was looking for so we went to go find a ramen restaurant instead.

Once we got to the restaurant, it wasn’t open yet for another ten minutes. We just decided to go look for the curry place nearby because my roommate is vegetarian. We never did find it but we did find an Indian restaurant where surprisingly the owner didn’t speak any Mandarin. The prices were pretty high so we just returned back to the ramen restaurant. I was originally going to order takeout, but we decided to eat in because they had vegetarian options. The food was pretty good, probably a 7/10 (I used to work at a ramen restaurant). They were playing Gee by Girls Generation when we walked in which I thought was funny because it’s a Japanese restaurant in Taipei lol. Although the place was pretty small, it was packed with people. My roommate thought the waiter was cute so I complimented him on his tattoo (which made him roll sleeve up for the rest of the time we were there to show it off), but when she hit on him later he was not with it unfortunately (she thinks he may have been into me instead since I was talking to him but alas).

After lunch (which we left our water bottles at in a hurry to scurry after the speed flirting), we scurried back to the hotel (not before stopping at the WRONG bank trying to pull out money) where I showered quickly before our classroom time. After doing homework during the self-study classroom time, we all met up and headed out to visit Chiang Kai Shek Memorial Hall, alongside the Grand Hotel (we took a shuttle bus thank god), and the Presidental hall. It was so hot and humid that i was dripping sweat down my legs (i also forgot my umbrella because I hate myself). It was cool getting so see such ornamented places and I always love seeing the Chinese style gates.

We ended at the Shilin Night Market, where I ate a Korean corn dog and drank some Cranberry juice before doing some shopping with some classmates. I bought a few pieces of clothes, adding to the various items I bought at the many gift shops I’d seen that day. I was also able to get a glass blown bok choy charm because on of my classmates was able to haggle the old lady working the counter really well (bless him). When I returned home, I again knocked out around 9pm (I really need to stop doing that) and woke up at 4am.

Academic Reflection

Today’s reading talked about China Kai-shek’s personality cult that was used to legitimize his rule not only in Taiwan, but in Mainland China as well. I thought it was interesting when the reading compared him to Stalin because after visiting the museum, I see how the comparisons could be drawn. I think it’s good that the museum had the section talking about all the ways in which Chiang Kai-shek was NOT a perfect leader and how his rule effectively oppressed many people. I also thought it was interesting when the text talked about how China Kai-shek consciously used Confucian values to gain respect, and then later switched to painting himself as the subservient loyal student of Sun Yat-sen.

Something else that piqued my interest was when the reading talked about the different non-governmental organizations that worked faithfully to promote Chiang Kai-shek’s personality as being the embodiment of Chinese culture and virtue. The Officer’s Moral Endeavor Association, for example, though having a purpose not related to the government, turned into a full fledged Chiang Kai-shek fan club. Through this article I also learned the full name of the YMCA. This reminds me of how in the U.S., there are certain non-government related organizations that absolutely lick the boots of certain political figures when it comes to election seasons. Off the top of my head, I can remember that the NRA (National Rifle Association) is an organization that is very involved in politics, and in the past few years the promotion of certain political candidates/figures in comically positive ways.

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mauiiix · 4 months

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June 01, 2024

I think it was a happy experience. Sugal while inom with them is kinda bad to mention but the joy it produce made me think nga "mao ni akoang balunon if muhawa ko" from 10 pm to 4am amoa session. To think nga wala ko nahubog unya gaisge rakog dawat sa baso, and to think nga i really enjoyed the tong its, aaand also the bonding i got with them. I know they are happy sad kay ni jamming ko sa ilaa. Grabe ilahang pagrespetar pud at the same time. Really enjoyed the jokes i throw at them and grabe sila mangatawa. Kabalo kaayo sila na sugarol ko the way ko modula hahahahahahah sugarol gyud pildihon tamong tanan!

June 02, 2024

We go sa beach to relax and enjoy. Tbh i feel so calm and relax gyud kaayo. Though nahurot gyud akoa kwarta hahahah pero way kabayran sa experience. Nindot kaayo sila kauban gyud kay mga buotan. Though naa koy mga napaminaw nga dili maayo pero inana man gyud na basta mahubog. I got the chance to talk sa ila isa isa, and usa ragyud ila maingon, nga lahi ragyud daw ko. It melts my heart pero at thw same time maguilty sad ko kay madungog nako ilahang thoughts about sa isa ka engr and then icompare. Im sorry to tell pud nga gusto nako muhawa, nga di nagyud pud mapunggan nga mohawa nako.. its for my own peace man sad. Thank you kay giassure nnyo nga labanan ko ninyo sa kung unsa man gani mahitabo sa ako. Grabe akoangpagkamulat gyud sa realidad sa mga ex convict ba na, mga you know na, tinood gyud diay na sila. Innocent ra kaayo akoanh mind before but now grabe.. and to think nga nakaopen up na sila na ko.

Its sad to say goodbye but i need to exit from this field where i can see myself nga useless. Site is not really for me. I just got hired from another company where i want to be an office staff. I know God will guide me.

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thisismytwocents · 10 months

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It was also the last time I got to see Miss Anna Ladia. Naalala ko na inuubos nila ni Mich ung bubble gum ko ng araw nayun at simpleng kamustahan lang.

11/22/2022

It was Grace and Ron's wedding last year

It got me remembering, if I may say, our first bonding.

It was the night she got promoted to TL. Not sure kung na announce na during ung AM shift prior pero tinawag ako ni RJ who was my SM at that time. Kala ko kailangan niya lang ng "audience" for the announcement. Nakikita ko na si Anna nion pero but zero interactions in the past. I was working with the callback team at that time at narinig ko na sinabi ni RJ kay Anna na "shadowing" ka muna sakin. It was also at that time na ngyari ang one of the most memorable meetings I had in my emplyoment career. So nag meeting nga kami ni RJ with Anna standing beside her. Una agad na pasigaw na tanong ni RJ ay "Are you sabotaging your work Hendrix? Kasi if I have proof, tatangalin kita on the spot. Ang laki ng tiwala na binigay ko sayo inyo ni MJ to work on this." Along the lines na my sinasabi siya na porket walang additional skill pay for the CB team eh hindi na namin ginagawa work ng maayos. Napikon ako ung narinig ko ito at hindi maiwasan na uminit ulo ko. To my surprise, napa P.I. ako RJ about him thinking I was sabotaging my work just to go back sa providers. Nag muramahan kami back and forth with P.I. and the eff words until na I got through him na I would never sabotage my work even na hindi ko makuha gusto ko. We talk about skill pay na 1k kasi it was a big deal to us at that time. And we talk about things that could improve us finish the task bago mag simula ung 2nd shift namin ng 4am.

And all of that, parang napansin ko naka yuko si Anna. Naisip ko baka sa ngyari, hindi kaya nag sisi to maging TL. Hahah. After that, we shake hands ni RJ, niloko ko pa nga siya na buksan nia ung alak nia. I think it was Cuervo pero hindi ko maalala. As our meeting was over and RJ was now doing his quick power walk, naiwan saglit si Anna. Mag sorry dapat ako especially I don't think she needed to be there kung ganon ang way ng usapan namin ni RJ. Naunahan niya ako mag salita at sabi nia, "mainitin pala ulo mo. Hayaan mo, secret lang natin un. Hahaha!" Shit, naalala ko ung tawa nia habang tinatype to. Hahah. Tapos we talk about na baka siya maging TL daw namin kasi hindi naman kami ma assist ng current TL's namin sa work load namin. Shared thoughts on how to improve sa work and yadiyada. Wala ako gano maalala sa convo namin pero habang nag uusap kami, gumaan din ang loob ko lalo na gigil na gigil padin ako after the meeting. Like, marunong siya maki pag usap sa tao and back then for me if your a leader, you need to have this quality, and not just the skills to be in that position.

Eventually, hindi ngyari na maging TL siya namin kasi bumalik din kami sa providers and I think she had her own "Members" team na. And another eventually, naging part nadin ako "members" at naging TL ko siya for a few months. Naalala ko sasabihan niya ako mag system issue at papaupuin sa tabi ng station niya kasi kailangan ko ng ganitong AHT for the day para maka kuha ng incentive. Tapos meron na halos every weekend, my choco butternut ako palagi dahil ako lang daw nakaka promoter sa team namin.

I'm prolly not in the position to say I miss you we never really had any interaction after work nor ung umalis nako sa HGS. But for this day, I remember you Miss Anna Ladia. Thank you for the lessons, choco butternuts at mga pambabara sakin para magising during sa shift. Thank you for being part of my life.

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cessandee · 11 months

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What's up?? A lot has happened since then and I'm only gonna talk about the things that are not serious, aka my lovelife. (Next time na yung other part of my life.)

So where do i start? I read all my last entries about him and I say feelings/emotions do change a lot. We've met 2 times already. On a weekday again, him from work and me it's my day off. I actually want to clear my mind from other things that's why I agreed that day. I actually want to eat kfc but then decided that he should be the one again to choose where we will eat. He chose Burger King, for the reaons, 1. I ordered onion rings last time & thought it was like BK's and got disappointed, 2. He believes that burger will make you gain wait haha. and maybe 3. He is naiilang to eat rice with me? HAHAHA.

Okay so dun palang sa BK dami nya ng ekis for me. Ayaw ko na isaisahin pero medyo bawas points sya sa labas namin na yun lol. Tho sya nagbubukas at naglalagay ng ketchup ko?? di ako kinikilig dun sorry hahaha gusto ko lang yung normal gentleman muna tutal we are getting to know each other right? And isa pa sa napansin ko. We are so not alike pagdating sa hobbies, likes, wants hahaha sobrang opposite namin. I feel like we dont have a common denominator eh. Isa din yun sa nagpabawas lalo ng points nya ngayon sakin haha to the point where I ask myself gusto ko ba sya? parang hindi. yikes. Like how can you like a person if you have no any mutual connection to begin with? Tapos lalong nagpainis pa sakin na gusto ko na itigil ko kasi parang nagllokohan nalang is the way sya magapproach sa mga sinasabi ko sa kanyang problems and stuff. Like, be honored that I'm opening up myself to you... tapos ganun lang response mo? Huhu so not giving! Super ekis. HAHAHA. Nacocompare ko tuloy sya kay HC pota hahahahaha he did way better at comforting me kaya nafall ako dun eh. Grabe this is his chance para makuha loob ko pero parang pinpapalayo nya lang lalo. Eto pa sobrang kainis kasi I stayed at the hospital until 4am before going home. I'm so tired from pm shift tas I can't go home until I know that lolo is okay na. I'm agitated, tired, dont know what to do and I didnt get the chance to tell him the whole detail of what happened because he never asks and I feel like he is not interested so why would I bother right? And I said that baka I'm gonna go home around 2-2:30am hoping he would fetch me because he's out with his cousin. He said edi sabay na tayo 2/2:30 bounce na daw sya dun. I was pabebe konti syempre sagot ko sige kung 2:30 ako uuwi which is a yes naman diba. But then he changed his mind saying he cant promise 2:30 daw lol he is the one who said that time kaya so funny feel ko pinigilan sya ng friends nya. Edi i said in a cold tone wag na keri ko naman magisa. Rereply pa sya want nya ko makita tas update nya nlang ako pag pauwe na sya at baka pede pa nya ako MASABAY. Like he really said that?? Baka pwede nya ako masabay? DUDE HUHU. Sobrang not givingggg he got me there. Super NO for me that time hahaha. Like he could just said "sunduin kita" "hatid kita" HAHAHAHHA. Masabay talaga? Like so i know we are just friends pero diba?? You want more something from me or am I just imagining things? HAHAHA i didnt replied to him after that and he updates me pa that they went to eat sa bf! the nerve. Tas pauwe na daw sya sabay ba daw ako tas yung sunod na chat nya na nakauwe sya is clearly he drive home agad and didn't wait for my text for at least 10mins. What if pala nagreply ako ng g sabay ako hahahah babalikan ba ko nun for sure hindi.

Kaya ngayon nag-aaya sya ulit after work na naman nya kasi dayoff ko. I'm not sure parang ayaw ko na muna hahaha. Di kasi ako nadadala sa words nya lang na ang ganda ko LOL aanuhin ko yan. I want effort, I want vinovoice out nya sakin hindi yung hanggang chat lang. Tsaka hayy ewan. Siguro ang gusto ko talaga sa lalake kahit di matalino is mataas naman ang EQ. At kayang kaya maghandle ng emotions ko. Grabe Lord yun pala susunod na ipagppray ko haha a guy who could handle my emotions and moodswings na sobrang patient. Sa ngayon hindi ko nakikita sa kanya yun traits na yan hahaha. If I'm gonna rate him from 1-10 kung gano sya possible maging bf ko ay 4 HAHAHAH sobrang na turnoff talaga ako sorry. Ayaw ko na nga sana replyan eh.

Yun lang hahahaha oh diba sobrang iba feels ko dito di na inlove huhu. Hayy. Everything is gonna be alright. Mag work na muna ko malapit na mag 6 haha.

10-19-2023 04:27 AM

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cnohpytxyz · 11 months

Text

HHL 4

prologue | HHL1 | HHL2 | HHL3

synopsis: C deals with her heat while her bond is near by, Ben struggles to feel safe in his new home, Terry misses C.

word count: 5598

genre: werewolves, my own take on A/B/O, female OCs, domestic bullshit

warnings: s*xual themes, pretty graphic bl**d/c*m descriptions, pessimistic thoughts (not extreme), mentions of gay s*x in a poor light, weird ass simping from multiple characters

notes: while editing this ff I was trying to think of a way to pass the bechdel test. imagine my surprise (/s) when I reread and find I passed it in the first chapter .-. guess it's not as hard as some people think it is.

~/*\~

This is torture. C thought as she was tossed into the nth scenario of the week.

Someone—probably Beah—thought it would be funny to set her bond up in an apartment near her heat room. He couldn't have been far. C supposed he was in the octagon, maybe a thousand or so yards away. If she had a window, she might have been able to see into his new home.

Thank God she couldn't.

Ben had moved in about a week after their initial meet and, for the past five days, he'd been dreaming up various ways to fuck his brains out...

…and hers, much to her dismay.

After the first day, C was grateful when the sun went down, assuming he’d be going to sleep. And he did. He definitely slept, but apparently his unconscious mind was just as thirsty because the following few hours were a miserable mix of lust and absurdity who in their right mind considered Cats: the Musical fap material that couldn’t quite get her to cum.

It had been years since she’d had sex—not that it bothered her most days—but that night she found herself clawing at the thick metal door, begging to be released from her prison. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, now that she was a little more clear headed) the room was soundproofed, so no one heard her desperation.

She had never cried from an orgasm before, but, holy hell, C found herself downright sobbing when Beomgyu finally released into his hand at 4AM that first night, her own orgasm flowing in sync. Some time during the following days, she had tried to close the bond only to fail time after time. She didn’t know if it was because of his proximity or because of her own weakness, but there was no stopping the images from flooding her mind. Those nights were miserable.

Tonight didn’t seem like it would be much better, but, luckily for her, Terry and Kai had taken Beomgyu to explore the compound for the day. The few hours she got alone helped her calm down a bit. She tentatively tried to close the bond.

No dice.

C felt desperate tears prick her lash line as she realized there'd be at least three more days of various sexual scenarios she couldn’t control if she got turned on by Sonic and Mario one more time she might lose her damn mind.

Usually her knotting dildo (specially made to take care of Lupina heats) would do the job just fine. It wasn’t enough to satisfy the mating urge, but it kept her skin from burning.

Now though…

Sigh…

Now it was useless. Granted, she hadn’t been satisfied during a heat in a long ass time and Beomgyu’s fantasies certainly delivered, but, damn, the time and images it took to get there was the absolute worst. It felt like she was back in Russia and strapped to that table again… deprived of touch with satisfaction just out of reach.

She shook her head. It was useless to focus on those things now, and it wasn’t like it was completely awful.

Just a little awful. A smidgen of… awful.

A moan cut through her thoughts and C belatedly realized she was on the verge of another orgasm. Even when she tried to focus on other topics, Beomgyu had her body in a chokehold. But if his fantasies were any suggestion, she wasn’t the only one.

No pun intended, she vaguely thought, as the image of her hand around his throat consumed her thoughts. She could almost feel his pulse under her palm when she leaned down to whisper in his ear, “You like that, pup? ” C groaned, gritty with lust and a good helping of cringe (she’d find time to gag at those words later), suddenly very thankful for her upcoming “business trip”.

She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to look him in the eye without either combusting or punching him in the face and, ironically, the gunpowder excursion would give her time to cool off.

Seconds later C felt a familiar tensing shoot through her spine, signaling her release. And then…

And then?

…

There was supposed to be more.

There was usually more.

C directed her attention inwards again, brows furrowed in concern, only to be met with darkness. Was he that tired? More silence followed and she groaned in relief.

She closed her eyes and took a breath before sitting up on the now ridiculously wet mattress. Her mattress protector had mostly abandoned its post and now laid on the floor, only a single corner desperately clinging on. She had done away with any sheets on the second day, a decision she was now unsure of seeing how much blood and cum came out of her. Then again, a thin sheet wouldn't have made much of a difference. Not to mention the dried red clumps already made her skin crawl, a whole sheet of crunch might make her pass out.

A finger slid up her thigh on impulse, catching a trail of cum and blood before it joined the rest of the abominable puddle, and her face twisted in a grimace. C fought the urge to fling her whole self into the trash can, reasoning that it wouldn’t be any cleaner.

Disgusting. She sat on the edge of the bed for a moment before a yawn prompted her to stand. For the past five days Beomgyu had tormented her to the point of exhaustion and she’d only gotten some sleep while he was out that morning. She supposed more fantasies would follow later, but for now she felt normal—dehydrated as hell and more tired than she’d ever been since the change, but normal nonetheless. C glanced back at the bed, debating the pros and cons of sleeping in a puddle of her own fluids again.

Turning away with a sigh, she let her disgust win. A shower was certainly in order, but she should probably take care of the mess first. After kicking the blankets to a corner—a cleaner would take care of them once she left—she grabbed her water bottle with one hand, flipping the mattress over with the other.

C sighed at the hassle of replacing the bloody, cum-soaked monstrosity, but there was no helping it. Usually two mattress protectors would do, the blood being her only concern during previous heats, but in the wake of her thrashing, they were utterly useless. Flipping the bed would do for now and maybe later she could find a way to attach a protector to the mattress.

Snaps maybe? Whatever. She could pour over the specifics later. Right now, there was a hot shower calling her name.

~/*\~

When Ben opened his eyes in the morning he had expected to be hard already. His morning wood had gotten significantly worse during the time he’d spent at the HHL—something he blamed on that stupid Alpha—and his midnight fantasies were relentless. But today, it seemed he was off the hook.

For the first time in a while he just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was definitely something wrong with him. He’d always been on the hornier side of things, but every day?

It was starting to wear on him and a lingering disgust tickled the back of his mind every time he came down from his high. But that only served to make him angrier. Why should he be the one to feel disgusted? They made him like this. Why was he the only one who felt how wrong it was?

And that damned Lupus. She just had to save him like a knight in shining fucking armor. And then she had the audacity to smile at him like that. He would sue.

If that was even an option. He doubted it, but surely he should get some remuneration for how often thoughts of her consumed his mind and his dick. It was straight up unfair of her to monopolize his head like that, especially since he’d only seen her twice.

Ben groaned and tossed his left arm over his face. He was such a fucking simp. A simp for a girl who didn’t even seem interested.

…

Ok, maybe that was a lie, he thought while her last expression flew through his mind. For a moment she looked like Sasha. He couldn’t help but overlap their images, but in the next instant C looked at him like she’d wronged him some how. He almost felt guilty.

But then he caught himself.

Why should he feel guilty for his thoughts? It’s not like she could read his mind. And even if she could, that didn’t mean he was in the wrong.

…

Damnit, so fucking guilty and for what?

Ben groaned again and decided to let it go. She wasn't even around for him to vent his frustration on, so any more thoughts would just be letting her win. And he refused to let her win. The bitch would be so smug if she knew what he was thinking.

He could see it now—the cocky smirk, the raised eyebrow, if he was lucky, maybe some tongue…

Fuck . The now moderately turned on human sniffed delicately. He really needed to get a grip on his thoughts. All this thinking was draining and he had shit to do.

Not that it was important shit, but it was shit that would keep his hand away from his dick and his mind off that damned Alpha.

Kai and Taehyun (Terry now, Ben corrected himself) would be dropping by soon to help him shower and get away from the musty apartment-esque residence. Yesterday had been great. He missed his friends immensely, their unknown fates often being his biggest source of comfort while he was pressed under some “patron” in the early morning hours.

Now that he knew half of them had better fates than him, he was both relieved and slightly jealous. Why did they get years of safety, when all he got was unresolvable trauma?

Ben clicked his tongue. There it was, that ridiculous sense of guilt creeping in again.

It wasn’t like he wanted them to go through what he did, but it felt so unfair. If only he hadn’t hidden when C searched the street back then. If only he had grabbed her attention at the start, then he wouldn’t have all these complicated emotions. He wouldn’t be so broken. He wouldn’t feel so ashamed to be in his friends' presence. He wouldn’t feel so disgusted with himself.

Even if he had reacted just slightly slower maybe… maybe he could have ended up like Kai rather than like Ben.

But he was Ben.

…

Now he was Ben...

And there was nothing he could do to change the past. Fuck it.

Maybe he couldn’t change the past, but surely he could change the future… right?

Hang on. Ben’s eyes widened in shock. That was almost a positive thought. A strange sense of pride rushed through him and he couldn’t help but smile. It must be the air here. He took a deep sniff only to be attacked by a sneeze, the sharp motion jerking his body and making him squeak in pain.

Ben laid on the bed for a few minutes, furrowed brows and stilted breaths taking over his mind. Whoever said emotional pain was worse than physical, should be shot, Ha! He snorted at the double meaning only to follow it up with a sharp gasp of pain. He bit his lip and fought the urge to laugh or snort or breathe or slam his fist into his own face to see if that was less painful.

What time was it? A glance at the clock told him it had only been a few minutes since he woke up. Great. Depressing thoughts at the speed of light. Just what he needed. More time to overthink. The human mind was truly incredible.

Whatever, Kai and Tae–Terry would be showing up soon. Maybe he should try and get up. The nurse told him it would take a few weeks to a few months to recover—and not to move without help—but he was tired of waiting on people to come to him. He could at least sit up.

Moving his good arm into position, he attempted to push himself upright. Attempted being the key word. It wasn’t entirely the fault of his wounds, he was just too weak to support himself and the pain took out the rest of his strength. The Quickshot Alliance didn’t let him do much while he was there, letting him wither away as they pleased. It wasn’t like he needed physical strength to get pounded in the ass anyway.

Now that he was here though, he supposed they would let him work out, or at least walk around freely. The management here didn’t seem inclined to use his body for their own gain. No, they seemed more likely to let C take what she wanted. It’s not like anyone else in the New World had the power to stop her.

Maybe a few powers overseas could do it, but in the Americas, the HHL reigned supreme.

Ben wondered how they came into power so quickly. He distinctly remembered his first encounter with them being only weeks after the outbreak aired on tv. He was no expert, but that seemed like a remarkably fast time to set up a whole society and secure it enough that they could go scouting for people without worrying about raiders/werewolves.

He could definitely be wrong… but… did they have something to do with the apocalypse? Did they cause it? Did they send the world spiraling just so they could play hero? Was he even safe here?

Here.

Damn.

He was really here. Like actually, physically here. He pushed aside his fears and let a tear trickle down his cheek. He could finally confirm his friends’ lives, but his thoughts wouldn’t let him rest. The alliance wouldn’t come for him, would they? Would the HHL give him up if Nocturne threatened them?

He scoffed at the intrusive thought. Nocturne wouldn’t even try to threaten the HHL. He was too much of a coward and Ben wasn’t worth that much anyway. Then again, he was their “prized bitch”. Maybe they wouldn’t outright threaten, but they might infiltrate the HHL to steal him back.

Ben shook his head, trying to clear his head. Alright, all he needed to do was get buff fast. Yeah. He nodded with an absurd amount of conviction. That was a solid plan.

…

Or it would have been a solid plan, if he hadn’t been fucking shot, he reminded himself. Maybe he should convince Kai or C to bite him. He doubted they would be convinced, but if he used his body, he might get an edge on C.

He stopped himself. That was a very dangerous line of thinking. Fantasies were fine, but the actual act might make him throw up. But if it keeps me safe. He tried to brush the little devil off his shoulder, but the damned thing chose his good one and shrugging didn't do much to dislodge the bastard.

He sighed, eyes screwing shut to block his thoughts from taking over. It was gonna take awhile to get rid of that thing. He refused to accept it was his own mind. He wouldn’t betray himself like that.

“Knock knock.” The door slammed open before Ben could respond, nearly startling him into a ball. A reflex that didn’t go unnoticed by the men that walked through.

Kai pounced on the bed laughing at the older man’s clear overreaction, “Did we scare you, 형?” Ben felt himself slip into another headspace as he laughed back, the floating feeling offering a mix of comfort and anxiety. Whatever response he managed to force out didn’t raise any flags with Kai, but Terry was different.

Terry was suspicious. Ben could tell by the intent stare, but why was he suspicious? Or should the question start with what? His pondering threatened to pull him down from his high and for a brief moment he struggled against it.

Until he realized there was no reason to fight. He was safe. The boys might have startled him, but they weren’t going to hurt him at all. His conversation with Kai got more stilted as he eased himself down, but the naïve Lupus still didn’t notice anything. Terry, on the other hand, was only growing more concerned.

At least Ben hoped it was concern. The look he was getting could have been a death glare for all he knew. Out of his two old friends, Terry had changed the most. He was missing a leg and the scar tearing from the corner of his mouth to his upper cheek gave him a predatory vibe. If Ben didn’t know any better, he’d have thought that Terry was the Lupus.

“Hey Kai, could you go grab the wheelchair?” Ben almost sagged in relief when Terry looked away. “I’ll get Ben into the shower.”

The tall as fuck Lupus pouted, but didn’t hesitate to obey, and Ben was struck with the anxiety of being left alone with Terry. A truly terrifying thought.

It wasn’t just the younger’s scars that intimidated him. It was also everything else. The height—Terry was probably taller than him now—and the absolutely ripped physique were just cherries on top. Seriously though, Ben didn’t doubt that Terry could lift him with one arm.

A thought that was proven true mere seconds later when said human slipped an arm under his torso and brought him to the edge of the bed in one smooth motion. His anxious thoughts were put to rest at the gentleness of the much larger man’s actions.

“Do you want to talk about it?” The anxiety came rushing back. Ben looked at Terry, the younger man now squatting in front of him. He struggled to school his expression, refusing to let himself slip back into his other headspace. It was a lot harder to control his face when he was so present with it.

“Talk about what?” He said it with a laugh, but the reply was too late and the laugh was too hollow for it to seem natural.

Terry watched him with the same eyes as earlier, this time he could tell it was concern. Ben chewed his lip and looked away, the familiar guilt slipping back down his throat to pool in his stomach.

A sigh brought his attention back and his gaze followed Terry as he stood up. “You don’t have to tell me what you went through, but you should tell someone. If you need a counselor, just let me know. I’ll arrange one for you.”

“You have counselors here?” Ben’s mouth gaped in disbelief. It was almost unreal how much the HHL could offer their residents. And to think that just anyone could walk up and ask for refuge. It made him wonder why people didn’t flock here by the hundreds.

Terry smiled and Ben was hit with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. “We have just about everything here. Beah and C made this place into a haven.” He sat next to Ben, staring ahead as he continued. “There’s a few missing perks here and there, but they’ve really tried to gather everything one could possibly need.”

He seemed very proud of his home. Ben didn’t have to wonder why.

And there it is. The taste of vinegar sat heavy on his tongue, and he couldn’t hold back a quick jab. “If it’s so perfect, why aren’t there more people here?”

Terry glanced at him from the corner of his eye, but Ben refused to look his way. “We went under a lock down of sorts about a month ago.” He hurried to complete his thought before the elder male could interrupt. “We usually lock down around the time of the Lunar New Year, since the Lupi get pretty restless around now, but it’s looking like it’ll be a longer lock down.” The scarred man sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “The HHL has a lot of resources and therefore a lot of enemies. It hasn’t really mattered before, but now there’s rumors of a larger anti-HHL alliance gathering, so Beah is deciding to keep the gates closed for now.”

Ben nodded in understanding, but then a thought hit him. “Wait, then how did I get in? Was it just because I’m injured? Will you be throwing me back out once I’m better?” He couldn’t keep his thoughts from spiraling, but Terry’s laughter cut through the fog like a knife through butter.

“We’re not going to throw you out again.” He made it sound ridiculous. What was the point of a lock down then, if they were just going to let in whoever anyway? “We don’t let in just whoever, dumbass.” The words were followed by a huff and Terry leaned back on the bed. “C brought you back and C can do whatever the hell she likes around here.” Ben sensed a hint of something darker from his friend.

“What’s your relationship with C?” He swore he didn’t mean to come off as a pissed off boyfriend, but it just happened. It was that damned Alpha’s fault—always up in his head like she owned the place. It was straight up unfair. Why couldn’t he have the same power over her?

…

Did he have the same power over her? Should he… ask?

No, that would be stupid. Even if he asked, he doubted she’d tell him honestly.

“I’m sort of the honorary Beta.” Terry’s reply cut through his thoughts at just the right time. But honorary?" C is the Alpha, which is both a title and a… I guess you could call it a personality trait. But since I'm not Lupi, Beta's only an honorary title. She’s been trying to turn me for around a year now, but there’s too many drawbacks to it."

Wow. Where to start?

“I’m back!” A loud thud followed the equally loud voice and Ben’s door swung open with a slam, revealing his youngest friend pushing a standard wheelchair. Whatever thought process he was working through got cut short by Kai’s second dramatic entrance of the day—he imagined there would be at least two more.

“Alright.” Terry slapped his knees and stood up, the acquired action almost enough to make Ben laugh. He didn't though. There were too many questions floating about his head.

"Why does C need a Beta? Why are you Beta? Why don't you want to be Lupi? Why isn't Kai Beta? Why did she choose you?" He didn't mean for that last one to come out, but it ended up slipping. Was that jealousy?

Kai and Terry stared down at him from their intimidating heights, seemingly confused, and Ben wondered which question did it.

It was probably the last one. Did they sense his jealousy? He debated throwing a "nevermind" at the tail end, but too many seconds had passed for it to seem natural.

Then again did "nevermind" ever seem natural when it followed a string of questions?

"Let's get you showered first." Terry ended up being the one to speak. "I'll be joining you in the greenhouse for a bit today. There's plenty of time to talk then."

Ben debated demanding immediate answers, but decided against it. He needed that shower and it was doubtful there'd be an end to his questions.

And so he nodded and let the other human princess carry him to the shower stool.

~/*\~

As soon as they entered the apartment, Terry knew something was up. The flinching, the glazed eyes, the slightly off breathing, all of it pointed to some serious mental issues. Terry had his finger on PTSD, but he was no psychiatrist.

Ben hadn't talked much about the past five years, but, with the way he reacted to his given name and the various other signs of trauma, it couldn't have been a good time.

Terry wasn't sure if he wanted to know or not, but he offered his ear anyway. It was honestly a surprise when he'd found out Ben was C 's bond, but that wasn’t the only reason he’d be taking care of the older male. His malnourished friend brought back both the best and the worst kind of nostalgia, and he wasn’t about to let the last time they saw each other become his last memory.

It wasn't going to be easy though. With the Alpha locked up in her heat room during the Lunar New Year, the HHL Lupi were quickly spiraling out of his control and required near 24/7 supervision. Kai was able to help on occasion, but he was nearly just as useless as Terry.

The pure rage he had to weather when he told them the Lunar New Year ceremony would be postponed had him shaking in his boot. Not to mention he had no one to celebrate his birthday with. That one probably sucked the most.

Though he told Ben that there were more drawbacks than positives to becoming Lupi, he was nearing the end of his rope. C had to find a Beta quickly, but there wasn't anyone she could trust enough with the role besides himself and so, they found themselves caught in a vicious cycle.

Terry didn't realize how bad things had gotten until he found himself lacking an Alpha, but now that he thought back on it, C hadn't left the compound for more than a day in recent months—starting around the time of the Lupi boom. Before then, she spent more than 2/3rds of the year away from the HHL.

It was only when she spent an entire month without any distant excursions that Terry thought something was up, but she waved away his concerns, saying it was just the natural progression of things. He had taken it to mean that the HHL no longer needed her to track down new talents—that they had enough professionals in the mix. But that wasn't the case at all.

There were too many Lupi now.

Going away for more than a day or two would leave them volatile and prone to attacking the humans. Luckily the Lupi could still sense her presence on the compound or Terry wouldn’t know what he would have done. It made sense why she was getting so pushy about turning him. He almost felt guilty for rejecting her so often.

Almost. It still wasn't worth it and he wasn't going to be guilted into becoming Lupi. C didn't—wouldn't—want him to change just because he felt bad for her. If she did, she would have told him how much she was struggling.

Speaking of which, he wasn't too happy she left him in the dark. He understood her motivations, but at the same time the secret left a bad taste in his mouth. They usually told each other everything, but what else was she hiding from him?

Was this how she felt every time he turned her down? Like he was building a wall or drawing a line in the sand. He could almost hear her say it. I'm not like you. It didn't usually bother him this much.

He wasn't like her. That was the point. But he was her rock, wasn't he? Maybe not, now that he thought about it.

Damn, what a time for depressing thoughts—naked with his buddies in the shower.

Terry bit the tip of his tongue, trying to focus on getting Ben clean without hurting him. It really, really wasn't the time to think about C.

And definitely not the time to release her from her heat room to ask for a hug. Not unless he wanted to get bitten, and he was still certain about staying human.

He still really wanted that hug though. What day was it? He vaguely remembered throwing a tantrum almost two weeks ago and then getting dragged out of his bedroom by Kai a few days later. If she went in on the day he isolated himself, then he had three more days till he could get that hug.

A gasp from Ben drew him out of his thoughts, and Terry realized he had the older boy's arm at a weird angle. "Sorry." Gently lowering it, he placed the soap back on the shelf and pulled the shower head down to rinse his seated friend off.

"Whachu thinkin' about?" Ben looked up at the younger boy in pure curiosity—a look Terry was very familiar with. The accent, however, was definitely something he had to get used to. He didn't remember such a drastic change when he reunited with Kai, but it seemed Ben picked up a significantly Californian tone. It was pretty similar to C’s American accent now that he thought about it, though her Russian origins occasionally slipped through the cracks.

"He's probably thinking about C and how he wants to huug and kiiis-" Kai was gagged with a soapy loofa to the mouth as Ben looked on, eyes widened in disbelief.

"What was that about?" Morbid curiosity flickered dangerously in the eldest boy's eyes and Terry knew he'd be in for it if he didn't share.

But he didn't want to share. How was he supposed to explain their relationship to her bond? It felt vaguely wrong, like they were cheating on him. They weren't, but trying to explain his Lupi behavior to a human when he wasn't Lupi…

Maybe he should take C up on her offer. Then again, if he was like this now, he'd be especially clingy once he was turned. She wasn't even his bond.

Yeah, no. He'd add that to the list of "reasons to stay human". No need to wedge himself in between such a happy couple. He snorted in his thoughts, but declined to share his musings with the other two boys. Unfortunately, Ben’s curiosity wouldn’t let him rest. With a sigh, he decided to keep it simple, “C is my… person…? I guess that makes the most sense.” Describing her in one word felt almost sacrilegious, but calling her his everything might get a bit too weird especially following Kai’s mildly sexual comment.

Ben’s eyes narrowed and sparked with something Terry found unfamiliar, but whatever it was, it nearly made his heart skip a beat. He never knew a wounded, malnourished human could be so intimidating, especially with his own nearly Lupus physique. He decided to expound before Ben tried to jump him. “She pulled me out of a pretty deep hole. I owe her a lot.” Kai began gurgling water and Terry sent a mildly annoyed look in his direction. “But I do not want to kiss her. That’s like kissing my sister.”

To his relief the dark look in the eldest’s eyes faded and one of understanding took its place. He made a mental note to avoid touching C while her bond was around. It didn't feel like things would go well for him if Ben found them interacting as they usually did.

"But why do you care so much?" Kai asked, finally recovering from the earlier attack. "C is fairly intimate with all the Lupi anyway. That's just how we are."

“I thought Tae- Terry was human?” Ben’s questioning didn’t seem like it would let up any time soon, so Terry sat on the edge of the tub with a sigh.

“When I first got here, I had some issues–” Kai’s snort was ignored with an eyeroll, “and C was the only one who would put up with me. A year or so went by and suddenly I was too human to be Lupi, but too Lupi to be human.” Terry shrugged. “At this point, I might as well make the switch, but it's just not worth it.” His eyes dulled, gaze falling out of focus, “If I change now, it feels like I'll lose what humanity I have left." Kai tensed and bit his lower lip, but the action was missed by Terry.

The three boys fell into a contemplative silence as they toweled off and got dressed and Terry was left with his all too consuming thoughts.

He didn't know if he had any humanity left. He couldn't even recall all the lives he took during the first few years of the apocalypse and, even though C never blamed him or mentioned it, he still felt like it would take centuries more to pay back his blood debt. Yet another point in C 's favor. Why was he still holding on to something so obviously useless? Why was this the hill he chose to die on?

“You coming?” Kai’s voice drifted over and Terry looked up to meet his friends’ inquisitive stares. While he was lost in his mind, Kai had arranged Ben into the wheelchair, probably with all the elegance known to his kind.

Terry sucked his front teeth for a second.

Damn, where’d that come from? Jealousy was never his thing before. Or maybe his emotions were just hard to regulate without C around? Should he just–? “Yeah I’m coming.” He looked down just to make sure he was dressed and dry. Luck was on his side today.

He shook his head and followed his friends out the door. Being so dependent on one person was how he got into this mess. It’s getting mighty tempting though. As Terry followed his friends out the door towards, he briefly imagined the consequences of his actions and for the first time in five years, he didn’t dread it.

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just-grif-stuff · 4 years

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grif likes long walks on the beach according to geoff, right?

so just. think about him and kai. out there. summer breeze. just enjoying a nice silence together. not thinking about their mom or who she’s with. walking slowly, the cooling sand against their skin, soft ocean waves washing up against the shore. a deep hawaiian sunset painting the sky. no tourists around because grif and kai know the best spot. they toss pebbles into the ocean and count how many times they skip. grif lets kai win every time. they find shells on the beach. walk down and up and down and up countless times, endulging in what little structure in life they have. this is the one thing they can control. how they escape. together.

they watch as their world disappears into a night beyond their understanding. not a word is spoken between them. grif takes kai and buys dinner really late at the same shitty denny’s that they always eat at. he enjoys every single bite like its his last because its better that way. he chews out kai for something stupid too. they get back in the car and grif is not legally allowed to drive but he taught himself. he boots up the car after several revs and goes. finally, they return home, and grif is just. longing. for the rest of the night. longing to stay out on that beach and do absolutely nothing but bask in sun and skip pebbles with his little sister. longing to forget what a mess everything is, and how none of it is in his power. longing to see a future with a white picket fence. longing to have someone tell him what to do for once, because what the hell is the point of putting in effort. he’s longing to find out why he’s even here.

so, he says to himself while in bed, the army it is.

and he sneaks away across the beaches he used to walk on.

and he never returns.

(This was brought to u by 4am dexter grif thoughts because I am in the writing MOOD but too lazy to write for my fics and instead am thinking about this. very deeply)

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senseiwu · 6 years

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Kai and Jay promised to do Lesley's chores for a month EACH if they taught Morro how to dab

They had to be the one to do it because the boys have messed with Morro too many times for him to trust anyone but Zane and Lesley about anything to do with the modern world.

Lesley shows him and he doesn't get it. "That's stupid," he says. "Imagine if you used it along with a gust of wind," Lesley laughed. The image was really funny to them. Morro thought they were being serious. Kai and Jay catch him on camera doing just that.

Wu runs into the room, fearing a fight had broken out when he hears furniture crashing. As he reaches whatever room of the monastery Jay, Kai, Lesley and Morro are in, the crashing stops and there's laughter. He comes into the room to see Jay and Kai laughing together, Kai holding his phone (obviously he'd just been recording something), Morro casting glares at everyone and Lesley trying to explain that they didn't know Jay and Kai were there. Wu is glad there was no fight, but he's annoyed at the mess.

Morro messes up Kai's hair with the wind the next day when Lesley tells him it was Kai's idea in the first place, right after he'd put product in it, too.

Kai then decides this is war.

A prank war.

Whoever gives up or gets caught by Wu or Misako loses.

Faith finds out and joins in, on Morro and Lesley's side, because it's just those two against the six Ninja and she doesn't find that very fair. She teaches them pranks kids in the Realm of Oni and Dragon would play, which always catch the Ninja off guard. The Ninja aren't happy about this.

Lloyd makes everyone stop when his father comes to visit. Garmadon would pick up on it immediately.

EDIT: OH AND YOU BET 100% IF MYSTAKÉ WERE TO VISIT, SHE WOULD PARTICIPATE. Is she on the Ninja's side? The others? Her own? Who knows, she does what she wants.

#ninjago #canon divergent au #ninjago morro #lesley wu #kai smith #jay walker #(young)#sensei wu #ninjago faith #im sorry its 4am whej i wrote this and i thought the image of morro dabbing was hilarious #and then a prank war #i love my au #zane doesnt always participate but the ninja come to him for advice #pix comes over and sees the chaos and just nopes out of there 'i think my father is calling me i will see you later zane'#skylor 100% joins in when she comes to visit #much to kai's chargin #she joins morro's side #pix runs out of excuses involving her parents and straight up tells zane shes not visiting until this madness is over #he 100% understands but knows it isnt going to end anytime soon so he goes to visit her all the time

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spicyicymeloncat · 2 years

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It’s 4am it’s angst o’clock so here’s ninja attachment issues:

I feel like everyone has attachment issues but like Zane in particular sticks to people like a sad puppy. After wu finally grew up again after s9, Zane would not let him leave the house alone and because incredibly over protective (hence him jumping in front wu every time anything happens ever). Especially after s11, Zane does not like to be left alone, he’ll start to disassociate. Whenever someone leaves he’ll try not to look sad but he will be, and whenever he does any solo missions, he does so out of necessity and so tries to put on a brave face. He’s still kinda in denial about it all but everyone else kinda knows and always have a buddy system, and get worried if Zane is alone.

Kai also does not like being left alone but unfortunately his response to anything is isolating himself. No one is allowed to leave him but he will storm off when he’s upset, only for a few minutes later he’ll realise that he actually did not want to be alone. He’s caught between trying to do things alone because he had to in his childhood but also feeling very scared of reliving said lonely childhood. Whenever Kai feels bad about himself he basically punishes himself by isolating himself but he’s trying to break that habit. So yeah he likes company and will often drive with someone on the phone (Pixal usually just because they are driving phone call buddies).

Jay is more of an introvert and definitely needs his alone time but he also requires validation every five minutes and can be really clingy and overwhelming when he is around people (which in turn is the reason why his social battery is so low, he’s draining even to himself). He definitely didn’t have that many friends before the ninja and so he’s kinda insecure and tries really hard to be around people bc insecurities. Jay’s just one of those types who assumes everyone’s default opinion of him is bad so he’s always trying to prove himself. And he thinks if people don’t want to spend every moment with him then he’s doing something wrong, and also if he doesn’t spend all the time with them then he’s conveying that he doesn’t like them. It stresses him out and leads him to try and over plan dates and occasions because it has to be perfect. Again like Kai, he’s trying to change that mindset and learn self love, and take space for himself and valuing quality time over quantity.

Cole was someone who tries to leave before he got attached, he’s family trauma making him hesitant when opening up. He’s also more on the introverted side and especially in times of hardship he just wants to be alone because people are pressure yknow. He finds it hard to rely on others and would and could disappear into the mountains for months if he thought he should. He often won’t speak his mind due to a low self esteem and he does go off on his own because he doesn’t want to bother anyone else with his problems. However, he also tries his best to accommodate for everyone else meaning he ends up internalising his own needs to stay with them. Also he’s acts really friendly unintentionally so even when he does run off he can’t help but make other friends, because usually they’re in a similar position to him (the rule of the socially awkward: make socialise best with other awkward people). He needs his space but Cole also needs to be reminded to not take on too much all on his own.

Nya is also someone who would totally isolate herself. Like Kai, being alone isn’t ideal but instead of just hating it, Nya just got used to it, and doesn’t have very high expectations for commitment. That’s why she was initially uncomfortable with the level of attention Jay gives her, or why her response to the group disbanding in s3/4 was to chug on and build a boat. Nya kinda just expects people to leave and doesn’t put in a lot of effort because of that. Like someone who used to be very clingy but then the worst case scenario came true and she no longer cares. But as time went on, she’s slowly beginning to trust and depend on the group more and is slowly healing. She’s still in the process of it all especially demonstrated in Seabound where she still couldn’t trust her mother enough to fully spend time with her.

Lloyd literally hyperfixates on every interaction ever. He tries so hard to please every single person he meets because he feels the pressure of being the green ninja, and he’s overly trusting - firstly about the nature of the people he meets and secondly, about his ability to help them. He’s kinda got an “I can fix them” complex since what happened with pre s8 Garmadon. When he first started living with the ninja, he didn’t exactly feel at home and so was a lot less sociable with them but at the same time was incredibly lonely. Although from seasons 3-7 he definitely got more emotionally dependant on others since getting kidnapped by the overlord, the group split up, his dad dying, and being possessed, but after s7 he regained confidence to start working solo. I also hc that s8 was when he physically turned 18 so by then he was kinda wanting more independence (especially because the ninja are a lot more smothering and the household is never quiet) and took on more solo missions. Lloyd is still incredible awkward talking to people outside the family especially since he didn’t have a lot of time to socialise tho. I guess all in all he’s on the more nonsocial side.

Gotta put wu, elemental master of having no friends sticking around, in here as well. Wu has seen many people come and go and usually they just leave him and he’s come to expect it. However he usually takes it as a failure on his part and will spend the rest of time being sad about it and would not continue to try and meet other people since Garmadon left. The only thing driving him to not become a complete hermit was the green ninja prophecy, and he accidentally let himself get attached to all his students. That’s another thing, Wu gets really easily attached, he’s pretty desperate to prove himself (which is why it hurts when they leave). But his attachment to the people around him, is also what causes him to push them away, because he felt he’s failed too many times and also because he wants to keep them safe.

#wait that first thing about jay is me too actually #okay it’s 5 o’clock now I’ll stop #this originally was gonna be just Zane lol #goodnight #ninjago #lego ninjago #ninjago headcanons #sorry if it’s lacking at the end I’m tired

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violet0203 · 2 years

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your husband oikawa being away in a tournament

this is kind of a pt2 so here it is pt1.

here it is pt3

It was June and late at night in Argentina. Your week has been really awful, staying up until 4am working and then waking up at 6am to go back to work. It has been pretty exhausting and for it’a worst, it has been almost three weeks since the last time you saw your husband.

The national team is participating in the volleyball’s nation league, a tournament that they play in different countries and lasts around six weeks. Oikawa Tooru plays for the Argentinian team as the setter and you were so proud of him. But you also miss him so much.

At 1 am when you were still trying to finish some stuff that your boss asked you to send them, your phone buzzed with a notification.

“are u awake?” instantly you felt a warm inside of you and forgot all your shitty week just with that text. You needed to see him and it seemed like he did too because you got a facetime call.

“You could have woken me up”

He laughed and that only made you miss him more. Despite you have been dating him for years and is normal for him to be some weeks away you would never really get use to it.

“I knew I wouldn’t, I saw that you saw the text. Besides you never go to bed without saying goodnight”

For what you could notice he was in the lobby of the hotel where they were staying. Behind him there were some of his team members and you could hear shouts and noise around him. He went a little a far from them to talk to you privately.

“Are you already heading to the stadium?” he nodded and did a little sideways look. You know that when he does that is because he is a bit nervous “You are amazing, do you know that? An amazing husband, friend and volleyball player. The best setter in the world”.

He looked at your eyes and was thankful for having you, because even miles away you knew when he was feeling a bit off and having self doubts, you always knew the right thing to say.

“And you look so good in that jacket that I can’t wait for you to come home”

He chuckled, loving the way you tease him.

“Actually you look way better on it than I do, especially when you are only wearing it and nothing else” your cheeks went a little red. You were the one to set the conversation in that tone, you could not complain, all your fault.

One of his teammates appeared behind him and tapped his shoulders. You blushed a bit more thinking that he may have heard you talking, but after nicely waving at you and told him it was time to go. Oikawa sighed, he didn’t want to finish the call, but told his teammate that will be there in a minute.

“Is it goodbye then?” he nodded “Good luck in your game. I’ll try to watch it”

“No, you won’t. The game is at 4am in Argentina” said emphatically. You looked at him puzzled asking him what he meant with that “I know that this last week you have been sleeping few hours, I can noticed it by your eyes, I much prefer you having a good night sleep that staying up watching my game”

You tried to opposed him but he just cut you off.

“Please do it for me”

He was being unfair, he obviously knew that you can’t say no when he has puppy eyes. So you agreed to him.

“I love you”

“Love you too, Tooru and now hurry up or the buss will leave you at the hotel”

“’kay, go to sleep and text me when you wake up tomorrow”

“I’ll do, bye…” he waved you and throw you a kiss before ending the call.

How is it possible that now you were missing him a little more than before??

You turned from your desk to the bed, the king size bed that he bought the moment you accepted to move in with him. Still had some things left to do for your work, but your boss will have to wait for them, anyways he doesn’t work on weekends.

The bed always feels so empty when Oikawa is away, but the message he sent you was what you needed. Just a simple “Goodnight <3”. You answered to it and fell back asleep.

You thought that by some sort of luck you instinctively would wake at 4am to watch the game, but Tooru was right when he said that you were tired. You fell like if you had been sleeping for hours while trying to find you phone lost between the sheets of the bed.

09:00 was bright in your phone once you found it. The game ended at least three hours ago. Before texting the setter that you were awake, you type the game in the browser to find the outcome.

They lost. 3-2 against France. You kept checking the stats of the game and read some news. They didn’t do a bad game, but they didn’t had a great start, so despite winning the third and fourth set, France could overcame them and win the fifth 19-17.

“are u okay?” you texted him instead of just saying you are awake. It didn’t took him more than two minutes to called you.

It should be 10 pm in Philippines where they were playing. When Oikawa appeared in your screen he was with one arm in his head laying on the bed. Probably already changed his clothes, because when he is out in a tournament he tries to sleep before 11pm.

“Did you sleep well?” A few years ago, you would have thought that he was evading the question you did to him not wanting to express his real feeling, but now you knew that he was being sincere, he really is more concerned about you.

“Yes I did. Had you already have dinner?”

“Yes, I just had come back to the room when i got your text… and yes… i’m fine” You tried to see if he was hiding something, but he really did look fine “We made some mistakes at the beginning, we corrected them and then it was just about their athleticism was better than ours”.

Both he and you noticed how much he have changed since coming to play in Argentina. You didn’t meet him in high school, but he told you everything about it. He used to had such an awesome team, but they never managed to get to the nationals. Oikawa used to blame himself and used to think that he was the problem all along, he was really self deprecating back then, therefore he didn’t have self esteem.

After graduating he decided to come to Argentina and try something new. Got hired by an Argentinian volleyball time. His first season wasn’t bad, they actually won the championship, but in his second one something changed and they started to loose. As he was used to he blame it all on himself. You tried to make him see that it wasn’t like that and some days he believed you, but others he would wake half as early and work twice as much. It was really hurting his body.

Halfway into the season they went to Brazil for a tournament. There he was reunited with an old friend. You didn’t knew if it was that, the sun or the beach, but something changed on him. He still puts the hard work and still is very disciplined, but if either way the things don’t go as planned, he doesn’t beat himself.

Despite the bad start, they won that season. You both got married and not long after that the Argentinian team offered him a spot in the roster. You thought that he would take some time to think about the proposal, at the end he would have to forget about playing for the country where he grew up, but he didn’t hesitate, in Argentina was his new life and was so happy to prove himself worth of it.

You got out of your thoughts when Tooru did a big yawn. Understandably he would be tired after a five set game.

“It’s okay if you want to sleep… tomorrow is a big game” he chuckled, he knew it was an important game and was so excited for it because he hadn’t play against them since the olympics “Have you had any chance to talk with them?”

“Yeah, today I saw Iwa-chan. He says hi and told me that he will visit us after the tournament”

“That’s cool! It has been a long time since the last time he was around”

“Yeah…” he said trying to stop a yawn, but it was inevitable.

“Tooru, let’s end the call, you should sleep… do it for me” you said the same thing he did and he noticed it.

“Can you keep this call going until I fall asleep?” he asked while lowering the light and accommodating his pillow.

“Do you want me to hear you snore?” he frowned and looked at you with his lower lip curled.

“I love you, despite you being sarcastic sometimes”

“I love you too Tooru, call me when you wake up”

“Will do. Goodnight”

He closed his eyes and didn’t take him long enough to fall asleep and start snoring (just as you said), but you kept the call going much more time that you would like to admit. He was sleeping so peacefully and you wonder what the Japanese boy did to you to be so in love with him.

———————————————————————

This imagine was longer than i thought and if you got to this part thank you and let me know if you want a pt 2 of the game against japan.

#haikyuu oikawa #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #oikawa toru fluff #oikawa x reader #oikawa tōru #hq oikawa #oikawa fluff #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa headcanons #oikawa imagine #oikawa x y/n

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