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dreamin-of-somewhere-else · 7 years

Text

Brown Cardboard Box

Characters: Dean x sister!reader, Sam [mentioned], Lisa + Ben.

Words: 2400-ish.

[Previous character death.] - That’s the only warning I can think of really.

A/N: Hey guys! Guess who wrote a fic instead of studying for a Spanish test? Anyways, I started re-watching season 6, because I wanted watch a few souless!Sam episodes, and after 6x01 I got this idea. So the fic takes place in between season 5 and 6.

Not my GIF

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Sometimes you imagined what it would be like if you didn’t live the life. Wondering. Making up your own little scenarios and such. How you would live in Lawrence, and how you would have actually grown up there, how you would maybe have a pet (probably a dog, satisfying Sam’s everlasting love for them), how you would have childhood friends, how you would do sports in school. How you would all graduate and then how you would go to college. Grow up. Meet a partner (hopefully). Maybe have a family of your own someday.

Now, in this very moment, you were standing here with a brown cardboard box in your embrace. A single brown cardboard box containing whatever sad excuse of a wardrobe you had, as well as the few things that actually were yours. Photos, diaries, a gun and so on. You were moving into your own place. You never thought the day would come.

You had imagined it though. In your daydreams, infinite fantasies. In those, you were moving out to go to college. That wasn’t the case right now, but that’s whatever. You were getting your own place.

You never even had your own room. It was a big deal.

In your daydreams, you had imagined your mom and dad being there, helping out. But more importantly, your brothers. They had been there too. Now, your logic, the rational part of your mind, was telling you that it was probably unlikely. You were the youngest, so Dean and Sam had probably already moved out. Heck, maybe they would have been on the other side of the country. But still, your daydreams had no limits, and you always had wanted them there. Part of the scene, in frame. There when the cameras were rolling. Wishing you luck.

Now, in the real world, present time, Dean was here. It felt good and reassuring and it almost brought a smile to your face. Almost. It had, if it wasn’t for the fact that Sam wasn’t here.

Sam was dead. The cold hard truth that always caused a paralyzing pain through your body, twisting your stomach, and it felt like you couldn’t breath. It’s amazing (in an absolutely horrifying way) that a word can do that to you. But it could, and it kept being proven to you.

Sam wasn’t here. He wasn’t by your side, he wasn’t helping you carrying boxes (that should have been more than one) to your car. He wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t even grunting in mock annoyance when you would have given him another thing to pretty please fix for you, like helping out with a second box. He wasn’t here to give you a goodbye hug. To tell you to stay safe and take it easy, or he (and Dean) would come and get you back home. He wasn’t here to wish you good luck. Or to ruffle your hair.

Sam was burning in hell, alongside with Lucifer and Michael. It still didn’t feel real, it was too absurd, too scary. Too disturbing. But the dull, but ever so lasting, throbbing pain inside of you, clenching your heart, told you otherwise.

Instead of Sam, there was Lisa and Ben. Dean’s new family.

Okay, you shouldn’t say it like that. Dean had told you off, saying that it wasn’t true. ’Don’t say that (Y/N).’

And maybe it was your realistic, fine, maybe cynical, viewpoint — but it kind of was the truth. For now, at least until Sam was back (because, yes, you would get him back). But, well, maybe for the future too. Who knows if he even wants to return to the life. Most people probably wouldn’t. Who would want to continuously risk their life for strangers, spending their life in a car, missing out on what most people just simply considers life. Why would you do that when you could have a real home, a partner, a kid, real food everyday, friends, stable routines? All that with a quite a lot higher percentage of a chance making it to a tomorrow.

Pretty much no one.

”Are you sure about this? I mean, you could just stay here?”

The voice is distant, kind of feels like you were underwater and someone was trying to talk to you from above the surface, but the words quite never reached you. You were too occupied with absentmindedly watching the beautiful speckles of light dancing in the water, broken sunlight, created by the water surface.

”(Y/N)?” Your big brother calling on you again brought you back from the sea of thoughts.

”Huh?”

”I said, are you sure you want to do this?” He gestured with a hand towards the cardboard box in your arms. ”You could just stay with me, Lisa and Ben. Right, Lis?”

Dean looked over his shoulder, where the dark-haired woman and her son stood. Her arm was gently draped around the preteen’s upper back, as they stood huddled together, watching you with kind, respectively curious eyes.

”Yeah, of course. The guest room’s always available—” Lisa nodded, but you interrupted her.

”Thanks, Lisa, I appreciate the offer. But I’m good.” You reassured her, and then looked back into Dean’s solemn, green eyes.

The truth was that you sort of felt like an outsider. A guest. You didn’t fit in. You were a piece of a different puzzle, a stray piece that got mixed up and ended up in the wrong box. This wasn’t your family. It never was meant to be. Dean was your family though. Dean and Sam.

But you couldn’t keep on living here. It was hard enough these first three weeks. It was hard leaving too. But your intuition, your gut feeling, was telling you that it was the better option. You didn’t wan’t to descend upon them anymore, gate-crashing. It was time for you to leave and go on — by yourself.

Because this, this was Dean’s. Dean’s own little family. That was ’stupid enough to take him in’ (not your words). Dean, who had been yours (and Sam’s) for all your life. Who laid down anything for you, no matter if you told him not to. And this was, for the first time, only his, and it was cosy, loving, and safe. And you didn’t want to ruin that, not for the world. It was his, and you wanted him to have it.

Speaking of Sam, you were going to find a way to bring back your other big brother. You would not stop until you got results, or you died. That was the only two possible outcomes. And that was a promise.

Dean’s lips curled into slight grimace that you could tell was supposed to be a little smile. He didn’t like this. Even though it was for his best. But he tried, for you. It hurt to look at him though, so you turned to Lisa. She immediately opened her arms, and you gratefully gave her a hug.

”Thanks for everything Lisa. Really. You took us in when we really needed it.” You pulled back from the hug and met her chocolate gaze. ”Tell me, whenever, if there is anything I can do to make it up to you. I owe you, big time.”

Lisa just smiled. ”It was nothing.”

You rolled your eyes slightly, but laughing a little meanwhile, to show that you weren’t serious. You would object, if you didn’t know that Lisa would immediately do the same, and you would just continue that way, forever.

You turned to Ben next. He was still in the age where hugs, if they weren’t from his mom, still were kind of awkward, and frankly uncool. So you settled on reaching out a hand, which he took and shook. And then, quickly before he could protest, you ruffled his hair.

”Promise me something Ben?” You asked, as you slightly bent down to his height. Then you pointed at Dean. ”Keep an eye on that one for me, would you? He can be pretty good at getting himself in sticky situation, but if you check in on him every now and then, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

”Yeah.” Ben grinned slightly as his round eyes turned to Dean, excited and proud that he had gotten that mission. To keep an eye on Dean. ”I promise.”

”Great.” You grinned back.

You glanced sideways, and caught Lisa smiling. And Dean… Dean himself looked even more emotional.

”Well,” you said as you bent down to pick up the box that you had sat down on the pavement by your feet before hugging Lisa. ”I probably should get going.”

Dean nodded, pensively.

”Bye, (Y/N).” Lisa waved.

”Bye!” Ben echoed behind.

You smiled, before starting walking away from their porch and towards your parked car on the street. Dean followed next to you, if not slightly behind.

Once you reached the car, it was quiet for a moment. But, with you and your brothers, silence wasn’t awkward or scary — sometimes it was needed. And you three could always tell when. So you just waited for Dean collect his thoughts. Soon enough he did speak up.

”You sure you don’t wanna stay here?” He pressed a last time, gruff voice laced with hope, his green eyes almost pleading.

”I need to go, Dean.”

”Why?”

The question left his mouth before he could stop it. It was innocent, almost childlike. It made you feel guilty.

”You know why, Dean-o.” You smiled sadly. ”This is for you. Not for me.”

Dean nodded and looked away. He kind of looked teary eyed, but you weren’t going to point that out.

”I’m gonna be less than an hour away.” You tried to lighten the mood. ”It’s nothing. You can visit whenever, easily. And you better.” You quickly added that last sentence, while you nailed him with a hard gaze.

Dean chuckled just a little. You smiled. It was nice to know that you still knew how to get a laugh out of your brother. Still had it in you.

”I promise.” He smiled back, this time an actual one, as he repeated Ben’s words. ”If you promise to swing by here every now and then.”

”Deal.” You agreed, and you fell in silence again.

Dean looked sad. Actually even more so than you had expected.

You could imagine how he was feeling. How he didn’t want you to go your separate ways. Because, in a way, that meant that Dean lost another sibling. That it would only be Dean, on his own in the world. Of course, he had Lisa and Ben. But they weren’t you and Sam, because you two were a part of Dean. Lisa and Ben were a part of the world Dean had to face.

It was hard for Dean to let you go. All his life, he had been watching over you. Keeping you right by his side, under his protection. Hunting together. Dealing with the crap life had thrown at you. Seeing the country with you. Meeting new people with you, sharing friends. Basically doing everything together. And now you wouldn’t even live together anymore.

Slowly, you turned around to your car, that you had been facing away from whilst talking to your oldest brother, and opened the passenger door and placed the cardboard box in the seat. It wasn’t like anyone was sitting there anyway, like it had been for all your life. You were truly on your own now.

When you turned back towards Dean, he surprised you by enveloping you with his arms, clutching tight, hiding his face in your hair. You gently patted his back, and held on tight as well.

”I’ll miss you, squirt.” He murmured quietly, but loud enough for you to hear it clearly. The words tugged at your heartstrings, and suddenly you doubted your decision.

But, then you regained your determination again. Dean’s life. Dean’s family.

”I’ll miss you too, jerk.” You smiled into his shoulder. You really, really would.

It wasn’t like you never would see each other again. But when you go from living with a person, seeing them everyday — to once every two weeks, once a month or maybe even every other month — it was difficult. Especially when this person was not only your brother, but your best friend and right now the only person you had left of your family.

But you let him go. And he lets you go. After placing a lingering hand on his cheek, giving him a final smile, you walked around the car, and got in behind the wheel.

Hand placed on his hip, Dean ran a hand over his face, thinking that you wouldn’t notice, but you did. You didn’t point it out though.

You closed the door, and started the car. Rolling down the windows, you said goodbye to Dean once again. He appeared at the window, sending you a shadow of a smile.

”Good luck, (Y/N).” He said with a gentle voice, slightly strangled, if not.

”Good luck, Dean.” You responded. Always good luck to you. You and Sam.

Then he tapped the car twice before straightening up. You nodded meanwhile.

It was hard to press down on the gas, but eventually you just did. Driving away from the Lisa’s street, you looked through the rearview mirror. There you saw them, Dean, Lisa and Ben, all waving at you. You stretched out your arm through the window by the driver’s seat — that also was rolled down — and waved back. Soon, they were out of sight.

The weather of this moment was beautiful. It was a sunny and warm evening in May (one of your favorite months). Everything was mildly lit up in this golden light, and the sun was about to set on the blue sky decorated with pink and orange tinted clouds. The wind, as you drove, tousled your hair.

You glanced over at the brown cardboard box — that was just sitting there in the passenger seat — and that’s when you saw the old photos sticking up from the bundle of flannel that you had quite carelessly thrown in there.

You took your eyes away and focused on the road. You didn’t even need to inspect the most visible photo, to know what it pictured. You had already seen it so many times, in fact it was one of your most prized possessions.

It was one of you, Sam and Dean all together, smiling. It was taken a few years ago. You were only 18 in that one, barely an adult. Sam was 22 and fresh out of college, and Dean — full on laughing — was 26, wearing John’s old leather jacket, as well as the amulet and was happy to have his little siblings together and right by his side again. So that he could watch out for them like the mother hen he was and tease you senseless like the annoying bastard he also could be.

You missed those times. Of course you did. But more than that, the photo built onto the burning fire of pure determination to get the three of you back. You were going to take another photo like that, all three of you together, smiling happily.

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