#just my own fucking brain reminding me constantly that im worthless and deserve it

[cryptidyork]

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[kunoichihatake]

my confession is that right now my medication needs to be refilled and my brain feels like my own enemy. it feels like I’m not in control of where my brain goes and realizing that im so fucking touch starved that i just want to hire a cuddler and scream into their arms.

im 25 and i have a genetic mutation where it severely impacts how much energy my body makes which has lead to me being overweight and without the energy to work it off. i can’t work and im relying on my moms money. I’m so privileged that I can do even that but all I feel is worthless that I can’t control my own finances

im 25 and ive never had a healthy relationship or friendship. i thought for so long that if I gave enough of myself to my friends and my partners that they’d give back, which has lead to so many abusive and predatory relationships and I’m just now figuring it out. the man I last had e,optional ties to only was interested once I told him I was a virgin and bared my soul to him about every trauma I had bc he said he could fix me. he’s 10 older than me and married. I didn’t love him at all but realizing how unsafe he was has broken me in ways I can’t fix right now. I’m so fucking stupid and all I wanted was someone who cared about me

im scared that im never going to be able to live independently and constantly having to check not only my own mental health but also the ulterior motives of everyone who isn’t my family.

i don’t want to die, I’m not suicidal. I’m just so tired of my life being so hard. Im so fucking terrified. I want to socialize and experience healthy people but I’m so fucking scared

I’m so sorry you’re going through this my love 😔💕 I’m not sure my advice will be much help since I’ve never been in your situation, but something I’ve learned after a lifetime of depression, anxiety and abuse is that it is really truly important to become comfortable with yourself. at the end of the day, you’re the only one who’s you, and it’s important that you become content (if not happy) with who you are.

being alone can be extremely isolating and painful — trust me, I understand that. but it can also be a good time for introspection. what are some things you like about yourself? what are some things you realistically want to improve, and how can you do that? for example, I love that I am so caring and want to help others. even if that has caused me to be hurt in the past, it’s not my fault — it’s the fault of people who have taken advantage of me, and at the end of the day they won’t be much happier because they’re missing out on the things that make you truly happy. something I want to improve is standing up for myself. I’m working on that by addressing the little things — for example, a friend of mine recently said something in a group chat that rubbed me the wrong way, and so I mustered the courage to privately message her and tell her I was uncomfortable. not only did she apologize and understand, but she actually thanked me for self advocating! I’m still not ready to address a lot of hard truths with people I care about, but it’s certainly progress.

I’d also suggest finding something you enjoy that’s easy for you to do on your own. for example, you can pick up drawing or writing. even watching shows/movies that are relaxing to you can be good! find something you can enjoy when you’re alone so you don’t feel like you’re missing out. in my experience, sometimes I even wish to be alone when I’m with others so I can do those things!

lastly, remind yourself that you are a person, and that means you deserve to be here and you deserve to be loved. you are not a burden or a failure. it may be more difficult for you to find people who truly care for you, but in time you will weed out the bad ones and find people who love you who you are, and who see your “flaws” as wonderful benefits of your character. I know it sounds empty, but i swear it gets better. I spent most of my life feeling similarly to you, but after taking time to think introspectively and grow to love myself, I have come miles away from the suicidal teenager I was only a few years ago. one day, you too will look back and feel like your problems were forever ago, and will be proud of how far you’ve come.

as i’ve mentioned before, my ask box and dms are always open if you need more advice or support. i know words from a stranger on the internet might not do much, but I sincerely hope I helped a little. i understand what it’s like to feel completely alone and like there’s no light in the future, but it’ll come. just try to be patient and make the best of things while you wait — after all, a garden doesn’t grow if it isn’t watered.

(ps please take your meds! they may seem like they don’t help sometimes but they’re so important to helping your body do what it needs to do! and as someone who cold-turkeyed getting off meds once i absolutely do NOT suggest it lol)

[n1ghtm3ds]

Suicidal Rantings Trigger Warning

I cant keep living like this.  I dont like anything.  I dont enjoy anything sober.  Music sounds like shit, movies are boring, art is frustrating and my head is constantly screaming.  The only reason i havn’t tried to kill myself is that im afraid to fuck it up and wind up busted or retarded but its to the point I hardly care anymore.  Weed is the only thing I enjoy and even that isnt fun like it used to be, it just makes things im supposed to enjoy tolerable.  I dont want to go back to the hospital and do coloring pages and shit behind a curtain. It does nothing in the long run.  Nothing has.  Even Elma is frustrated with me because im stuck and ive been stuck for years going in loops because it is the world that is stuck, not me, and im not stupid enough into being tricked into thinking otherwise.  Because thats what it all is, its a trap to trick you into being okay when things are NOT okay and accepting shit thats unacceptable and if the world didn’t play out like I wanted it to then Im not going to be part of it.  I dont want to be here and I don’t want to do this.  Im miserable because im not working and once i start working ill be miserable that I am, and it makes me want to kill kill kill kill because capitalism is making me feel this way and setting a standard i dont measure up to and if I cant be one of the people that wins then I don’t want to exist.  I failed DBT and im not even mad because DBT is fucking stupid and i dont want to learn how to eat shit with a smile.  I want to get hooked on heroin or something so I can at least feel good for a few months before it kills me and then I didnt kill myself and its no my fault and ill get to be part of the big scary opiate epidemic and people will use me as the face of some poor retarded girl with a big heart who got pulled into it or some other sympathetic martyr figure.  I want to kill people im so mad all the time but who could I kill that would make it worth the consequences?  Maybe I wont kill myself just so I can make sure i kill somebody else who deserves it first.  My brain feels like it is burning.  Nothing got better or is ever getting better.  We have less money than ever, not more like we are supposed to over time.  We are never going to have real grown-up lives because our entire generation is lost and lied to and fucked over.  We are just as broke as my friends who didnt work for degrees.  Weve been cheated every step of my existence and im done being cheated im done being exploited and even more important im done seeing the people I love cheated and exploited.  30 years ago we would have had a house and I could stay at home with 2.5 children and a white fence.  We put the work in for no return.  Every win comes with a miserable setback.  I contribute nothing and consume everything and as long as im alive ill just be this hole that I try to throw things down to fill it but it never gets filled.  Im a bratty selfish cunt and I don’t want to live because I can’t afford to smoke what i want.  Ive been cheating all this time.  I take it from my dad during the week or smoke dry resin.  The last day I tried to get through sober was the monday I went to the hospital.  If I had my own money id take up drinking and maybe just die from that but im watching dad do it and it takes too long.  Im not even really sure I get high anymore but I guess I do because I cant like anything without it.  But I hate everything, and capitalism is putting up a paywall between me and happiness again.  I dont want to cut back for my health, i have to cut back because we cant afford it, so theres another thing capitalism stole from me.

I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I get the afterglow of being praised for doing simple shit like putting my tray away or coloring my page quietly or reading and then as soon as im back in the real world im reminded of what a failure I am.  Im thinking of taking all my pills but Im afraid that they will just take them away if I fuck it up.  I want to hang myself maybe but I dont want brain damage if i survive.  I looked up all the ways to kill yourself and none of them are sure and most of them hurt and they all suck if you live.  But Im going to soon, I have to because if I keep getting older it won’t be tragic it will just be pathetic.  Dead grown-ups don’t make the news or get candle light vigils or become cult martyrs.

I see madi and she is my age and in a year or two shell be older than me but its not true and ill never be 16 again.  Im not 16 anymore, and ive overshot it so far that im rotting.  Im like Chester Benningfield, I overshot my own life and now all I am is washed-up and nothing I do will be impressive or meaningful again until Im dead.

I didn’t make it.  The life I was supposed to have didn’t happen.  I can’t let myself live until April or Ill be older than the whole 27 club who had their whole lives and all the success in the world while they were still young and good-looking and got to be celebrities and its worth nothing its worth less than nothing to outlive them if they lived a whole life of success and carer by my age.  All the celebrities coming up are younger than me.  There are people my age who have published books.  Im not young anymore and ill never be young and famous ill never get to be a prodigy ill never get to be a hip young celebrity and anything I might ever accomplish gets less and less impressive with every passing day.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  My life is already over.  All that will happen is I will get older and uglier and more and more pathetic and even if I accomplish something it will be worthless.  The lady who wrote “twilight” didnt get the same press as the kid who wrote the script for “KIDS” because she was old even though she sold mor copies, she didnt go on talk shows and get told she was cute and charming and special and had accomplished something revolutionary or even unique.  I failed as an actor and I failed as a singer and I failed as a student and now im failing as a writer.  I feel like im just procrastinating death and the longer I put it off, the less it will mean when I die.  Im so old that if I killed myself today, my death wouldnt even make News 12 like it would have if I were a teenager.  Even if I make it as a writer, Ill just be some fat retard who is good at a job because that will be the minimum expected of me by then and I bet I wont even get that far.

People had whole lives and careers over at my age and will be remembered forever as hot and young and some bright star that burned out too soon and Im LESS successful that I even was at 16.  All ive been my whole life is cheated and lied to and ive tried to play the game and Im not winning so I dont want to play anymore and have to watch other people win.  Im not going to kill myself right now because my parents are home so I couldnt even try but I think I might kill myself soon.  This world isnt fair and im not having a good time and I don’t want to keep doing this.  Everything i say feels manipulative.  I just wish i never existed in the first place so i wont have to die.