#im like 3 months clean from self harm

[cryptidyork]

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[scarletcomet]

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[hard-core-super-star]

i have to put a trigger warning to this request, im sorry if it triggers something, it was not my intention, lots of love.

heyy, may I request something like a reader who has depression and is struggling in being clean and just want to relapse in old bad habits of self harm but doesn't say anything to Kate because she doesn't want to disappoint her. but in the end Kate finds out anyway because she knows the reader like the palm of her hand and yeah, free choice for the ending!!

when it rains [K.Bishop]

pairing: kate bishop x reader

summary: when the threat of relapsing rears its head, kate does her best to support you...even when you try to push her away.

warnings: depressive episode; mentions of self-harm/relapsing; references to anxiety/struggles with spiraling thoughts; hurt/comfort + hopeful/happy ending; kate being nervous but supportive

wordcount: 1.8k

a/n: i was working on the next part of vampire!kate when i got hit with a random burst of inspiration to write this request. i wrote it pretty much in one sitting so forgive me for the messiness. this is a pretty heavy topic so read at your risk and keep the warnings in mind! there aren't any super explicit descriptions of things but proceed with caution if you find this topic triggering. thank you for the request and for your patience, sorry it took so long, hope you enjoy <3

* * * * * * *

In hindsight, the signs that something was wrong were obvious.

You should have picked up on them immediately but you were too distracted by the world around you to notice what was going on inside your inner world. Realistically, there were a hundred reasons for your slip of mind and yet, the only thing you could blame was yourself.

You and your lack of focus. 

You and your constant need for external factors to take away feelings you should be capable of working through on your own.

The list of habits to blame for the sudden breakdown of your mental fortitude was shockingly long, in your opinion. 

You probably should have told Kate about your increasingly anxious and self-deprecating thoughts but you foolishly believed you could handle it on your own. 

Plus, she was busy. Too busy to get caught up in issues she ultimately didn’t care about.

At least, that’s what you told yourself…which just made your thoughts worse. 

A part of you knew the archer cared, of course she cared, she had spent the first month since you moved in with her bringing you random gifts after every night of crime fighting. It bordered on ridiculous, especially since there were only so many places to put flower vases, but it showed just how much your girlfriend cared for you. How much she thought of you.

How much she worried for you whether she was next to you or a whole city away.

It’s a thought that usually reassures you. One that reminds you of the love you have for each other. 

The more your thoughts turned sour, though, the more that love turned into a weapon. It forced you to retreat, to pull away from the archer while pretending like the distance you were putting between you wasn’t killing you inside. 

But being alone only made everything worse. And suddenly, the fear of disappointing Kate suffocated you every waking hour.

It didn’t make sense and yet here you are, home alone, hiding in the bathroom, and gripping the sink so hard that your knuckles had turned white a while ago. At least the uncomfortable feeling in your hands had kept you from doing something you really, really, shouldn’t do.

You stare at your reflection in the mirror, frowning at the face that stares back at you. It’s hard to see anything besides the dark bags under your eyes and the exhaustion that’s so clear in every single one of your features.

A sigh leaves your lips as your mind drifts to the razors in the sink cabinet. Your hand is already so close to the cabinet door and the urge to do something you won’t be able to take back rises to the forefront of your mind.

No amount of deep breaths are able to ground you enough for your thoughts to change. Your hand moves a few inches when you suddenly hear the front door slam shut. Some of Kate’s bad habits were also your best allies in moments like this.

You move faster than you can even comprehend, turning the lock on the door and shuffling as far away from the door as you possibly can. You sit on the ground right as footsteps near the bathroom door.

“y/n?”

Her voice startles you despite how soft it sounds. There’s nothing but affection in her tone and yet alarm bells ring in your mind. You almost suffocate under the overwhelming need to run away, to hide, to disappear. 

Your intentions must be obvious despite your silence since she knocks on the door once more. There’s an urgency to her movements that you can’t quite explain. It’s almost like she’s afraid of you slipping away.

The mere thought makes guilt rise up like bile in your throat.

“Love?” She tries once more, her voice uncharacteristically calm. “Can you please open the door?”

You want to do it, you really do, but your whole body feels heavier than ever. No amount of effort or inner screaming gets your limbs to move even though all you really want right now is the archer standing patiently on the other side of the door.

You really don't deserve her.

The door slams open at the exact second your thoughts grow dark once more. 

The sound causes you to jump, your arms instinctively wrapping around your knees and bringing them further against your chest. Almost as if it’ll truly make you disappear so you won’t have to face the disappointment you know will be hiding in the depths of Kate’s concerned eyes.

“Sorry, I got too impatient to pick the lock,” she says, awkwardly scratching the back of her neck. 

You almost want to laugh. Only Kate could be so awkwardly charming at a time like this. Despite her charming act, it’s obvious she’s nervous and more than a little out of her depth. You’d feel bad about it if you weren’t in the same boat as her.  

“Um…” Your eyes lift up from your knees to her face, silently watching while she struggles to put her thoughts into words. “Is it okay if I sit next to you?” 

The answer is obvious to you and yet you still hesitate. Not because you don’t want her around but because you’re afraid of how you’ll act. Of the weird mix of frustration and desperation that make up your inner world right now.

“Yeah,” you mumble. 

Kate wastes no time in coming closer to you. A cynical part of you hates the way she looks at you like you’re the most fragile thing in the world. You know it’s unfair, especially since she’s simply concerned for your well-being, but you can’t change your thoughts. You’ve already spent most of the day trying and failing miserably.

True to her word, Kate simply sits next to you, her side barely brushing up against you. It’s enough of a reminder that she’s physically with you without her running the risk of overwhelming you with more contact than you’re ready for. 

You know her just as well as she knows you, though, and your eyes zero in on her fidgeting hands. It’s almost like you can see the struggle in her motions. The aching need to reach out and touch you, to make sure you’re truly safe.

Ultimately, she doesn’t move. And neither do you.

For the first time in a long time, Kate doesn’t rush. She doesn’t question things or make one of her badly-timed but well-intentioned jokes. 

She just…sits there. 

Waiting. 

Silently watching over you in a wordless expression of her support and love for you. 

It’s more beautifully emotional than you were prepared for and you’re almost not sure what to do.

Until, eventually, you find some sense of calm. You grasp onto it quicker than your mind can even handle and finally…you’re able to move again.

It’s a subtle, almost slow, movement but Kate picks up on it pretty much instantly. You extend your arm out toward her and she gently holds the back of your hand while lifting the sleeve of your hoodie up. The audible sigh of relief she lets out makes your heart clench.

She doesn’t question you in any way but you decide to speak up. Maybe a part of you needs to hear the words out loud too.

“My other arm is clean too,” you mumble. “I…I’m still clean.”

She brings your arm up until she’s able to press soft kisses all over the inside of your wrist. “What you are is strong.”

You can’t help but scoff. The knowledge that she means well does little to soothe the disdain that’s made a home in your stomach. “That’s not true.”

The tone your voice carries startles her enough for her to change her approach. It’s not one she particularly wants to employ but she figures it’s better than arguing. 

“Of course it’s true,” she responds. “I know you’ve been struggling all week, y/n. Surviving that takes more than just luck.”

Her words leave no room for arguing so all you can do is huff in response. Your obvious frustration does little to deter her and she continues to caress your wrist. You don’t miss the way she lingers over the few faded scars that remain etched into your skin.

The affection soothes you somewhat which only brings back the thoughts that had sent you down this spiral in the first place. 

“I want to do more than just survive,” you whisper. “I want to live, Kate. Without feeling so…helpless all the time.”

“Babe…” She sighs.

Your body tenses up as you prepare yourself for the disappointment that is sure to follow. 

Who are you to complain? The only thing standing in your way is yourself and yet you have the nerve to act like it’s the end of the world. It’s no one’s fault but your own that you can’t function like a normal person. 

You expect her to verbalize your own thoughts, to prove that all your doubts were correct, that you deserve to feel this way after all. It’s an extremely unrealistic expectation considering who Kate is but you can’t stop yourself from wanting to be proven right. 

To be given a reason for wanting to disappear.

There’s nothing the archer loves more than proving you wrong, though.

“y/n, surviving is a part of living,” she says, her voice soft yet more serious than you’re used to hearing her. “I know it probably doesn’t feel like that right now but pushing through is the first step to living. You just have to take it step by step…and you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here for you, if and when you want me.”

Kate’s never been known for being particularly good at saying the right thing at the right time but today…her words seem to ease some of the weight you’ve been carrying lately. Maybe it’s not much but it’s certainly a start.

“I do want you here,” you find yourself saying. “I just…I don’t know why it feels easier to push you away.”

“Because you’re scared, darling. You don’t want me to leave so you walk away first. I do the same thing, y’know?”

You can’t help but scoff. If there’s one thing Kate doesn’t know how to do is walk away when she really should. It would be infuriating if it didn’t work out in her favor most times. Hence how she ended up as Hawkeye in the first place. “Literally when have you done that?”

“Before I met you.” She playfully bumps your shoulder with her own. “It wasn’t exactly my charm that made me a heartbreaker.”

You chuckle despite yourself. “Please, Kate, you’ve always been too oblivious to be a heartbreaker on purpose.”

“Okay, ouch. I am not oblivious.”

Instead of arguing with your stubborn girlfriend, you simply lean closer to her and rest your head on her shoulder. Her arm instantly wraps itself around you to pull you even closer.

The physical comfort helps to ground you and little by little, your bad thoughts stop looking so overwhelming. It’s a small step but it’s a step forward and with Kate by your side, the path to recovery doesn’t seem so bad.

[katiesyellowcardcollection]

i’ll drive, i’ll drive all night - pt4

pt1,pt2,pt3

social media

teen reader x katie mccabe

trigger warnings: suicidal idealisation, self harm references, sexual assault reference, bad mental health, do not read of your not in the correct head space!!

an: i feel like this is all kind of jumbled up and probably not written very well but i wrote it all in pretty much one sitting so sorry about that 😭 please please give any feedback/tips though as im still pretty new to writing

things were better now is what you told yourself as you stepped out of the airport taking in the streets of Dublin for the first time in 6 months, for 6 months you’d be in London with your older sister, for 6 months you’d been in weekly therapy, for 6 months you’d gotten closer and closer to becoming the girl you used to be, the carefree little girl you were before that night and you think now as you get into the taxi with Katie it was all working, the progress you’d made meant something because for the first time you felt genuinely excited, happy to be back, to see your family, you never thought you’d be excited to be back in Dublin, back where everything started but you were so happy to be back in the comforts of Dublin, back in your home that your excitement outweighed your fears for once.

-

You remember the days after your confessions to Katie, they were difficult, they were some of the darkest days of your life, being forced to talk about what happened every day, not being trusted to even go to the bathroom alone, but you’d got through them thanks to Katie and Caitlin and all their teammates you’d done it, you're sure you cried more tears in those weeks then you had in your entire life, but you had done it, you accepted help and you were getting better, you were learning how to cope with what happened in a healthy manner, of course you were still traumatised from it, you still had nightmares about that night but you were coping with everything a lot more healthier, you had stopped hurting yourself and in a couple days you’d be 3 months clean from it.

-

“You excited to see ma?”

Katie asked reaching out the rub your shoulder knowing that you would need some form of comfort despite all your progress being back in Ireland was still a big thing for you.

“yeah, I'm more excited than nervous I've missed mam and da so much and I can’t wait to see Ella and Lauryn”

you tell her honestly, smiling as you do so.

You couldn’t quite believe you weren’t more scared, of course some parts of you were nervous about being back but you’d gone over and over with your therapist about some of the feelings you may have and you knew how to cope if you did get nervous or if you had a panic attack.

“I'm so proud of you y/n, I know every back in London is as-well, you’ve done so well sweetheart, I love you so much”

Katie tells you fondly, her hand still rubbing your shoulder, before you can even respond the car pulls up to your home, for the first time since you landed you do get a bit nervous, being back here is a little bit scary, your slightly nervous of seeing your family, despite Katie reassuring you that no one is mad at you, that they were proud of you it still scared you seeing as the way in which you left previously everyone had been mad at you.

“Remember no one will be mad at you and it’s only going to be mam, da, Lauryn and Ella, that will be alright won’t it hey?”

Katie tells you holding your hand as you both walk up to the front door.

The door opens almost immediately and your met with your mams familiar scent and then your being wrapped up in her arms your ma squeezing you tightly, like she did when you were a little girl going away for the first time.

“I missed you so much baby girl”

she tells you as she pulls out of the hug, tucking your loose strands of hair behind your ear, pulling you into the house properly and closing the front door, Katie already in the living room.

“I missed you to”.

you tell her smiling as you do so.

-

You’d had such a good day, you laughed more than you think you’ve ever laughed in your entire lifetime, your smile had quite literally not left your face since you stepped foot in your family home.

You’d been playing board games with your family, arguing like little kids again, like the reason you hadn’t been home in so long hadn’t happened, like for one day everything in the past hadn’t happened and you loved it, you loved being carefree again, you loved laughing, not a fake laugh or a small laugh but a full blown belly laugh whenever Ella got caught cheating on whatever board game was being played or when Katie didn’t know the most basic facts in trivial pursuit, you were home and it felt so right, almost perfect in your opinion.

-

of course you weren’t staying in Ireland, you were only here for the day. you, Katie and your therapist deciding that you needed to take small steps into getting better and whilst that started with getting over the fear of being home, back where everything started, being back for a long period of time in a short period of time would most likely set your recovery back.

-

“Right, we’ve gotta head off y/n our flights in 2 hours.”

Katie tells you gently as your nose scrunches up in protest, and your shoulders tense up, you don’t want to leave yet, you missed your family more than anything, missed your twin sister, missed your dogs and your bedroom and the comfort of just being back home.

“Okay.”

you tell her after a moment of silence getting up off the sofa.

“I'm just gonna go to the toilet”

you let her know before walking out of the room and finding your way to the bathroom.

-

“I love you sweetheart; I'll see you soon I promise”

your mam tells you releasing you from the hug she’d had you in since you got back from the bathroom.

goodbyes were always difficult for you, even as a little girl saying goodbye to your grandparents, you’d cry even though you’d be seeing them again the next day, for you a goodbye meant you were leaving them even if it was only for a short while, you hated them.

-

you and Katie had been on the plane for just 20 minutes when your eyes started filling with tears, you told yourself you weren’t going to cry and that you’d had a really good day, you didn’t need to be upset but your tears just kept falling and breathing becoming much harder than it was 10 minutes ago. You knew pretty instantly that you were going to have a flashback, you’d gotten very good at recognising the signs and how to help yourself before they happened.

“K-Katie” you managed to stutter out before it hit you, taking you back to that night, back to the locked bathroom, making you feel and think everything you felt that night.

Your therapist had told you that flashbacks were a normal response to the type of trauma you experienced, they wouldn’t ever go away fully but there were things that you could do to help yourself when you got them and so she taught you and the people around you things that can help like talking, encouraging you to breathe and to remind you that you weren’t back there, telling you exactly where you were and what was going on you found helped you the most.

“y/n sweetheart, it’s okay it’s Katie we’re on the Plane and we’re going to land back in London soon you're not their sweetheart.”

Katie whispers to you, trying to get your attention.

“Darling your safe I promise it’s just me c'mon open your eyes for me please”

After a while of Katie whispering soft words into your ears, reminding you that you were safe and you weren’t back there, you came out of it slowly.

You didn’t speak, you just reached out to your older sister clinging on to her for comfort for the remainder of the short flight home, your sister just stroking your forehead still whispering words to you.

-

“So, how was it?”

Caitlin asks you as she takes a swig of her drink sitting down on the matts in the gym as she does so, looking up at your face searching for some kind of reaction, an indication of how you were really feeling.

she always seemed to know when you were lying or when there was something on your mind and she could always get you to open up on whatever you were feeling.

and so, you’d found yourself in this position quite often now, you talking, Caitlin listening whilst Katie would be out on the grass training seeing as you still weren’t trusted to be alone, and Caitlin was sidelined with an injury.

“I loved it I did have a lot of fun and like I missed them so much but when we came home iff had another nightmare which you already know but since being back it’s all that’s going on in my mind like just replaying the whole night again like it was when I first got here, I don’t know if I'll be able to ever live there again but it’s my home I want to be able to go home and it not bring up the memories but I don’t of that will ever happen again”

you tell her turning your head away and settling on looking outside the gym windows not wanting her to see you crying.

it was pathetic really, you were so happy to be home, you loved every second of being back, yet you came back to London and you were petrified again, that night consuming you again, trapping you right back in that bathroom and it was like you were right back to where you started, back on the door steps of your sisters house sixth month again terrified of everything.

you didn’t really understand your brain, 24 hours ago you were in Ireland happy and smiling not even thinking about that night but now you were back in London, and it was all you could think off, despite all the progress made it felt like you were back to square one.

“Hey, look at me y/n.”

Caitlin tells you reaching out to pull you into a hug.

“you made such good progress yesterday, I know it’s hard coming home but you did so well, I promise you you’ll be able to go home one day and it won’t bring up the memories, the only memories you’ll think of is playing with your siblings or laughing until your belly hurts, you won’t always associate Ireland with that night, I promise you.”

you just shake your head in response because you know that she was right, she seemed to be right about almost everything, but you still couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d never be able to be home and it not bring up the bad memories, that no matter how happy you could be to see your family and be back in Dublin it would always bring up bad memories.

“i know right now it seems impossible, like things will never go back to how they were but that is not the case, you went back yesterday and for the entire day you didn't think about it did you? Thats progress, everyone else but you can see that, you'll get there y/n”

Before your able to even think of an answer all the girls start filling into the gyn having just finished with training, signalling the end to yours and Caitlin's conversation in which you were thankful for, still unable to produce a response to Caitlin's statement.

-

Your trip to Dublin was just over 2 weeks ago now and despite all your convincing that you were fine, that the short stay hadn't had as big of an impact on you then you initially thought it would, you were far from fine, in fact you were pretty sure in these short two weeks you'd ruined all your progress, everything you, Katie, Caitlin and your therapist had worked towards in those 6 months were seemingly gone.

you weren't clean anymore.

you couldn't go a night without nightmares.

a day without flashbacks.

Katie no longer felt comfortable leaving you with just Caitlin, she was literally with you at every second of the day and yet you were still finding ways to hurt yourself, ways to Savatage your own progress, dragging yourself further and further down.

You're not sure why everything was affecting you so much because for the past 6 months you had genuinely wanted to get better, wanted to feel happy again and yet less then 24 hours in Dublin and reversed all progress, you longer wanted to get better, you didn't want all the help and fuss of Katie and Caitlin, you just wanted to be alone.

Its katies voice that pulls you out of your thoughts

“Your therapist wants to speak to you y/n i know you said you don't want to go but what if you just talk on the phone for 5 minutes?”

Your sister asks you.

You can hear the worry in her voice and you see it written all over her face, she looks like she's been crying again, she does that a lot now and you feel bad you didn't mean to upset your older sister, to ruin her life aswell as your own.

And so, for this reason and this reason only you hesitantly agree, reaching out for the phone before opening your mouth.

“Will you leave me alone whilst i speak to her?”

You think your sister goes to say no, but midway through opening her own mouth she nods.

“I'll wait on the stairs, but you promise me that you'll be safe and you won't do anything dangerous”

“Promise I wont thankyou”

-

“do you want to die”

You're not sure how to respond to that question, some days you do, you wake up and you wish you hadn't, some days you'll spend the entire day planning how you could kill yourself, how could you make everything go away, whereas other days you don't, you'll wake up happy, excited for the day, sometimes you can see the light the end of the tunnel that everyone talk about.

You're not entirely sure how to verbalise all this to your therapist and so you just settle on a simple answer that doesn't give much insight into how you're really feeling.

“I don't know, maybe.”

You hear your therapist sigh; it makes you feel bad to some extent because everyone's trying to understand what's going on in your brain but you're not giving them much.

“I think that sometimes I do want to die, I don't want to live in a world where every day i have to remember that night and be terrified of it happening again but like other days I want to live and get better, I don't know.”

With that you continue talking to your therapist, coming up with a plan on how others can help you in the upcoming weeks but also how you'll help yourself.

-

“hey”

Katie says as you leave the room your therapist still on the phone.

“Um anna wants to talk to you, can I go sit with Cait downstairs?”

you question looking up to her waiting for an answer, she pauses for a second before agreeing.

“Yeah, I think she's watching a film or something”

You nod and start walking downstairs, briefly hearing the start of hers and your therapist's conversation.

[lululandd]

Cod boys x reader who struggle with self harm

vacant surrender;

pairing: simon ‘ghost’ riley x reader

word count: 397

warnings: self harm, angst, but the good feel kinda angst lmfao

note: loosely based on personal experience (im legit incapable of writing for people i dont have a hyperfixation on, so im throwing ghost under the bus for this one)

summary: scars and all

The first thing Simon does when he comes home is always to check on you. You might think you can fool him with your sweet smile and cheerful voice, but he knows you better than that. This is what happens when you willingly date the Ghost himself, you are always under his watch.

He can see you try not to flinch when he moves closer, chapped lips skimming your bare shoulder. Goosebumps exploded across your skin; he’s pleased that he still has that effect on you. An arm snaked around your waist, he bends down so his tongue can lap slow circles on your neck. You were too engrossed in the moment to notice he has been feeling around your arms down to your wrist.

He turned you around and placed his mouth against the back of your neck, he knows it’s your weak place, and as a low moan escaped your trembling lips, his hand travelled down your thigh. You gasped, and Simon’s lips drew into a tight line. He instantly knew it wasn’t from whatever he’s doing to you right now. 

Letting out a sigh, he knelt down to check on whatever wound he reopened on your thigh. 

“What happened this time, love?”

With experience, you know where to cut so people don’t notice new ones, and to place strategic ones so you can tell them you got it by accident. But he’s not most people, isn’t he? He always notices.

Simon’s brows furrow, twisting his expression into something severe, ten different scenarios have run through his head, each worse than the last. The darkness of his eyes seemed endless as he stared at your marred skin.

Loving you was a choice.

A choice he consciously made, something he fully understood and accepted. He chose to care, chose to adore you, he chose to be by your side.

When he looks up, he sees you coming back to reality, that he had noticed the new wounds, and sees the tear about to form in your eyes.

“I’m not angry at you.” He exhaled your name softly, “Will you tell me what happened?”

His hands are not clean; they’ve killed and mangled and will continue to do so. His hands are dirty with all the blood of his enemies and the innocents, they will never wash away. But if you let him he will use them to love you fully. 

Scars and all.

hewwo! author here :3 please know you are loved and there are people that loves you and think about you; there will always be friends that are willing to listen to your problems and hardships. things might seem bleak and inescapable right now but i promise things do get better. ages ago i thought cutting would lessen emotional pain that i was experiencing and lmfao it took me a wholeass year to realise i was just feeling emotional pain and unnecessary physical pain so i started getting better friends and getting some other outlet for all the feelings bottled up inside. after a couple months i realised certain people makes me feel like shit so i cut ties with those and boy those felt liberating af. i hope your situation gets better soon. my dms are always open if you want to shittalk and vent :3

[someoneinjersey]

11, 19, 21, 26 for the no good very bad horrible questions :^^))

(Just wanna hear you talk about ur pets lololol)

hellllllyeahbaby!

11: Do you like someone? Not any real actual person I've met lol. I don't encounter a lot of people and also I'm very picky and I've fallen into the trap of just thirsting after unattainable people because it's "safe". But like ... it also breaks my heart? But I also like ... use that as a form of self harm I think? LOL IM FUCKED UP. I do have a super handsome mutual that I'm always like haaaaay when he posts a selfie but yanno.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes. Absolutely yes even though everyone's like no don't do it you wouldn't be who you are today without those mistakes blah blah blah but absolutely 100% yes. I would be more outgoing, wouldn't give a shit, I'd spend more quality time with my grandparents, I'd see if maybe I could get my dad to chill or maybe not idk, I'd spend more time with my friend Lauran who passed when I was 12 and I'd call her back even though I didn't like talking on the phone. I'd ask Scott out on a date, very definitely flirt more with him in high school and if I couldn't go back that far I'd go back to the last time I saw him when he hugged me outside Wawa and I'd hold onto him so tightly, memorize his strength and his smell and his warmth on that cold morning before the sun came up and I'd make plans with him even if he was still going to die 8 months later.

That made me sad lmao but it's all true and from my Grinch heart.

21: What are your plans for this weekend? Tomorrow there will be panic cleaning and panic gift wrapping because Kate's aunt and uncle want to come over for a tiny pre-Christmas Christmas because Kate has to work on Actual Christmas so we'll do some gifts and we have to send our gifts for Kate's brother and sister in law and niece and nephew with said aunt and uncle for Actual Christmas. And the house is a nightmare cuz I can't keep up with housework and also FOUR PETS MAKE A LOTTA STUFF HAPPEN. Then Sunday I'll be probably just like ... hanging out and wrapping Kate's presents that I didn't already give her oops and likely playing Stardew Valley a bit and making some nonsense for dinner lol

26: What are you craving right now? I was craving a non-specific night night snack cuz it's 3 am and i can't go to sleep with a rumbly tumbly but we don't really have snacky things rn? So I ate two microwaved hot dogs YAY HEALTH. I do crave motivation and discipline and the doing of something creative too, does that count?

Also none of these are about pets LOL

[cupuasu]

loooove december break!! i genuinely thought this was one of the most mentally exhausting semesters of my life. it felt like it was never ending yet at the same time like i had 100000 things to do and send it over to the professors like yesterday. and i have never been so bad at communication as i was the past 6 months. i'd forget to say things and when i could say them i chose not to. literally snowballed itself into horrible hurried projects. it all started so chill i literally didn't worry that 1) laptop wasnt working 2) only signed in for two classes 3) i needed to change my table and chair because my back is RUINED. of course that all got solved along the way but it'd be easier if i had fixed those three things back in july break, i think i'm a masochist when it comes to things like this, i see the whip coming and i just stand there motionless. like as soon as it was 12:01 02/12/2023 i felt like i needed to scream freedom lol

then these days honestly i didn't even feel anything at all (other than that temporary extreme relief that it was over). because it just all feels so pointless. i will go thru all of this again next semester because i'm already fucking up now (signed for classes i know i can't handle because everyone tells me "i need to challenge myself if i want to get better", signed for mandatory unpaid internship as if the PAID one i did last year didn't absolutely kill me). part of me just wants to finish this stupid fucking shit by next year (impossible bc i still have like 20 classes left to do). i love architecture but university really sucks your soul out. they (society and the job market) kill your inspiration then they kill your will to live. i look around this city and everything is so ugly and useless and not functional and it tries so hard to look clean and modern it ends up just being fake and empty. if i go into private stuff i'll get insane clients that'll want the ugliest dumbest shit ever built, if i go into the public one the government has no sense of self and just tries to copy whatever's trending on the southeast/south or usa/europe as if it would work or as if they had money. like jesus christ think locally. all these ugly glass boxy buildings are gonna be the end of us, these dumb empty parks are doing more harm than good, stop restoring historical buildings if you're just gonna abandon them again. if i see anything in a beige palette i go in a rabid rage like where is the life where's the originality? sure overly-regional things can be cringe and people in the north and especially in my city have a terminal case of vira-latice. ideally i'd have started uni in 2017 and finished it in 2021 and moved on to whatever the future may hold but im MENTALLY ILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! did 2 semesters then took a gap year then came back to uni and i'm just as lost as i felt in 2017. I FEEL STUCK IN TIME!!!!!! sure if i had done it "normally" i wouldn't even be here because i would have For Real killed myself. to be quite honest i didn't even think i was gonna make it past 13 years old and here i am 10 years later pushing thru it and all i got from it is that i should've thrown myself out of the damn 15th floor of a building when i had the chance in 2013. like genuinely genuinely speaking whenever i look around whenever i go out society and the world just seems to get worse. i can still see beauty in some things but it feels like staring at a small flower in a world where everything is destroyed. i can distract myself as much as i want to but the sense of doom and the sense of me being a waste of a life NEVER goes away.

and on the topic of distractions i have been using my phone so much it's making my brain go insane so i'm trying to not use it as much (12h screentime.....) sadly i haven't been able to focus on drawing or reading or writing or doing anything that is "by me for me" because i cannot focus. i feel soulless yet so depressed. seeing dead bodies and people fighting and suffering so hard just to live daily definitely made it worse but i feel bad saying that because it's like 'oh no this horrible thing is happening and i can't do anything except watch' bc there's ppl Going thru that horrible thing. i will always have an undying respect for palestinians and i think in fact watching all this made me realise how resiliant and strong ppl can be. and also how evil some ppl can be, i have never seen someone as inhuman as z**nists like the more i learn the angrier i get. and this is silly but sites like twitter (for me at least) there were a endless stream of them. no matter how many i blocked there would always be more. here at tumblr i guess i curated my dash very well and i don't use the for you tab here so i don't see them at all (thank god). yet you'll always find out someome at staff is a z**nist or something like that (same happens in other sites) and it's wow no matter how good my dash/timeline is these are all still a morally failed site owned and/or run by losers and i wish i wasn't as chronically online so i'd delete every account on every website and never use the internet again.

the only thing that has made me sort of zone out and forget life is gaming. i've been playing stardew valley like my life depends on it and sadly i can't even put mods on switch so i'm genuinely #grinding. i'm on year two winter and i got so much stuff already (my first time playing had me on year four fall and i didn't have half of what i have now). also last month my mom bought ssd cards for our laptops and i was able to redownload genshin so i'm playing it a lot again. i really missed kazuha and xinyan i feel like i have a slight delusion thing where characters genuinely bring me joy. also i haven't played genshin in sooooo long my hands forgot how to use the keyboard (and i've been losing fine motor skills lately but i'll talk about that later) and i was so used to playing zelda that i mixed up some of the world dynamics. i'd be like where are the sky islands i need to look at the map from above, why can't i mark things far away with a camera so i can check later, how do i see hero's path i need to know if i've been here before, why is it so hard to aim, why can't i parry, why don't the enemies drop decent loot. and also i'd be annoyed by common genshin stuff like the endless amount of text and dialogue like my GOD let me skip. i don't care!!!! i stopped reading text after the raiden shogun quest now i just skip everything!!!! why are the cutscenes so boring!!!!! why is every archon quest the same!!!!! but i love open world games. i love long quests. i love exploring. i love puzzles. hate the gacha system though. i haven't played in over a year and i thought when i'd come back there'd be 27827383 notifications and primogems STACKED for me to use and yet i wasnt surprised when there wasn't anything bc mihoyo is the worst company on earth and capitalism is the end of us. kinda sad i missed the birthday event and lost a cute fontaine companion though. by the way the flying and diving system is so broken (to me at least) and it's sooooo uncomfortable. my fingers are on the WASD keys and the space key and the shift like jesus christ this sucks. i got too used to using the switch and having a controller and the gyroscope and the comfort of it all lol.

the fine motor skills worsening started this year i think. i can't pinpoint exactly why or when but i think it was a mix of a bunch of things. i've been sedentary my whole life so my bones and joints are all fucked. i've been sitting ans standing wrong my whole life and my bones/muscles just adapted to it so now when i try to fix it, it hurts like hell. i'm pretty sure one of my legs is way shorter than the other. back to my fingers, i noticed that i wasnt able to type on my phone as fast as i did in the past. couldn't move them that fast anymore. felt like there was some sort of lag or glitch on the brain-to-hand connection. didn't pay much attention to that cos who cares how fast i can type. then i wasnt able to type on a keyboard properly, then not able to hold things properly, and now my hands just feel sort of numb and/or slow compared to before. fine for me though, i feel like i need to slow down when i do projects or when i'm gaming. i always get too much into it (and often at the last minute) then my body pays the price. the last project this semester had me up for 2 days and on the verge of an psychotic episode for another 4.

oh and to top it all off my laptop hard drive decided to kill itself in the middle of the semester. it was showing signs of giving up waaaay before that and i didn't know any better and didn't look into it. i'm still very hurt over it. there were SO many photos and SO many videos and documents and audios and music. my lifetime was there. and now it's gone and i still can't believe it. so mamy personal moments and also a lot of work i made and collected just gone forever in the void that is technology. i will never be able to see the baby pictures of my dogs and i won't be able to see the videos i took when i traveled with my family and i won't be able to read things i wrote when i was 13 and i won't be able to see pictures of myself growing up over the years and i wont be able to see all the pictures i saved of my online friends and i wont be able to listen to all the music i downloaded or watch the movies i downloaded or read those pdfs and i won't be able to use the billion autocad blocks that took me years to organize and i won't be able to make a portfolio bc my work and the proof of its existence is not there and i wont be able to play the games i had in those specific save files...... its like it never existed. like i have never felt a loss like this in my entire life. literally my burning of alexandria lol they will always exist on my mind of course, but i must also be experiencing some sort of early on set dementia because i forget EVERYTHING unless it's in front of me. so there's also the loss of the loss because everything i had in that hard drive died and it will also die in my memories.

and my phone fell last month i think and now the camera app doesn't open and i havent been able to take pictures. it's funny cos after i had my iphone stolen in 2019 and had to buy the one i have now (cheap and low quality) i thought i stopped taking pictures of everything. but man these days made me realise i unconsciously photograph things. i try to open my camera almost by muscle memory then watch it close itself and glitch. now i've been trying to write things down or just memorize them, which has been hard bc of my hands and my bad brain. but it's fun. analog almost. i get to appreciate and look at things more carefully with my own two eyes now instead of "ill take a pic and look at it later". and man, is the sky beautiful!!! the leaves are beautiful, the sky is beautiful!!! even the ants on the ground are!!

and its kinda early, but i do feel my body age also. probs due to me being unhealthy and normally old = sick. my back hurts so bad for sitting and standing and existing and sitting on a bad chair on a bad table for years, im really glad for being able 2 go the doc and get physio therapy and my posture fixed. i want a tank to make me flat cartoon style, that'd fix my pain!!! my posture doc kinda is weirded out by me (im too hairy and too awkward) but the therapist doesnt care at all. theyve really be relieving my shoulder pain, i wonder if there's still a way to fix it... itd be genuinely life saving

[pinkcherryblossomangel]

Away from home - chapter 4

Y/N is an actress, filming for her first lead role in the film adaptation of her favourite childhood book, produced by maximum effort.

She bonds with Ryan Reynolds over their share Love of the Korean pop band Stray Kids, and he has a surprise for her.

When she starts missing home and the darkness creeps upon her, her hotel neighbour comes to her rescue.

Trigger warnings- mentions of depression, self harm and anxiety

Stray kids fan fic

Mainly staring 3ratcha

But the other boys do make appearances it's just easy to keep to minimum of characters lol

Chan x oc

This is my first ever fan fiction so if it's shit soz.

He's gonna be here in like 20 minutes, so I'm cleaning up my room. Well shoving things into my wardrobe, but that's practically the same thing. I get dressed in some comfy clothes, and organise all my character work and script work on the table. I have a lot of thoughts about Tabby and her story. She's allowed me to tap into something more confident and almost powerful. I need to be more like her.

There's a knock at the door. He's five minutes early. I look through the peephole and there he is. Dressed all in black with his laptop and files. He looks so gorgeous. I hype myself up before opening the door. Don't fuck this up Y/N. You've got this!

"Hey!" I say it just a bit too loud, but he walks into my room ignoring that.

"Hey" He smiles. I lead him to the coffee table and sofa in my room. We sit down, our knees touching. That damned spark again.

"So ive had a read through the script and i think i understand most of the subtext theres a few places where id love your help!" He starts rifling through his copy of the script, hes marked places he thinks would be best paired with something unique. It looks like my script, all covered in highlighter and markings. I cant help but smile at how much he seems to be enjoying this job.

"Can i just ask why you took the job?". I ask, "not that youre not equipped for it, its just im sure you and the kids are always busy." He shifts in his seat to face me.

"I loved doing deadpool. And Ryan asked if we'd like to this film and we read the script and loved it. Unfortunately only the 3 of us could find the time to make it out here. Minho and seungmin have long-standing MCing jobs, I.Ns filming his acting debut," he leans in,"which you didn't hear from me. Hyunjin is creating a fashion line with versace, and Felix has gone back to Australia for a few months."

"Didn't you want to join him? Felix, I mean. Go back home and enjoy being with your family?" I ask

"A part of me did Yeah, but my sister Hannah's out here anyway and I've planned to see her a few times. She may even spend sometime on set with us if I can sort that out."

"Oh I'd love that!! Weirdly enough I actually found your guys music through Hannah's YouTube channel. People kept mentioning her brother so I checked out your music. Think Maniac may have been the first song I listened too." I admitted.

"I was gonna ask you about that actually. I heard you and Ryan bonded over your love of our music?"

"Yeah", I said shyly. "Kind of embarrassing, but yeah. During preproduction rehearsal for the dance scenes we'd blast your music for warm up. We actually almost used Thunderous for one of the dance routines!"

"You were really good before by the way. I forgot to say before. Me, Han and Changbin all thought you could give danceracha a run for their money." I blush. I don't know if this is him flirting but I bloody hope it is

"That's very sweet of you," for what feels like hours, but is merely seconds we hold eye contact. He then looks down at my lips and back to my eyes. I must be imagining that.

"You know what you want?" I break the gaze by pulling out the hotels room service menu.

The next few hours we spend talking about the script and characters. It feels like we've known each other for ages. He's so inspiring with his passion for his job, he's fueling the passion I have for my own. Everything we say in agreement, totally understanding the story in the same way. Dissecting the relationships and themes with such glee.

It's almost midnight by the time he leaves. I walk him to his door, a total of 4 steps from my own.

"Goodnight," i say, "I had a lot of fun!"

"Me too" He replies opening his door. "What time is your call time tomorrow?" He asks leaning against the door frame.

"Keith's picking me up at 9" I reply

"I'll message Sara to say I'm joining you, if that's cool with you?" He queries, running his hand through his slightly curly hair.

"I meet you out here at 8:50?"

"It's a date. Goodnight Y/N."

"Goodnight Christopher"

"I like that. You using my full name."

"I'll keep that in mind". We kind of just hang there in our respective door frames.

"Goodnight....I think that's the 3rd time I've said that." I laugh "ill see you in the morning" He nods and we close our doors.

I go to my bed and ring my mum to tell her about everything that's just happened. She answers but can't stay on the call for long, she's about to head off to work. I hate time differences.

[taegularities]

TW: mental-health, ED, and mentions of self-harm (pls don't feel obligated to respond if you feel uncomfortable!)

RID HELLO! 🫶 how are you?

i wanted to say that im sorry i havent been as active! idk what it is, but my mental health has been struggling lately? i hope its okay to vent/explain a little, if the topics make you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip to the next paragraph! but yeah idk ive just been very self-conscious and i feel like past habits are resurfacing. im trying to not actively partake in my eating disorder, but it's been very hard to resist lately. im definitely trying be different and handle things better. my main focus lately is to engage in some positive affirmations and try to not break my streak of no self-harm (im 549 days clean!!!) 🎉

but yes i feel rlly guilty for being less active/only sending an ask when i read a fic of urs, i hope you know that im always thinking of you! even if im less active! 🫶 your fics truly do bring me a sense of comfort and peace, almost like an escape, but i will try to be a bit more active after finals are over! 🙏

BUT, ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE; summer is almost here! 🎉 i cant wait to work my summer job and have 3 months of pure fun :) do you have any summer plans?

omg also how's uni? i hope you're doing okay, i know finals week (at least for me, im unfamiliar of the school schedule outside of the u.s.) is approaching! pls remember to take breaks ❤️

i love you, i hope youre having a great day 🫶

- wife from war anon 💂‍♀️

hi, my lovely 🤍

you have no idea how proud i am of you — despite all the struggles life throws at you, you've been fighting so hard and so well, and if that doesn't prove your strength to endure... a big fat congratulations for being 549 (now 550!!) days clean !! it's not easy, so kudos to you, okay? 🥺

don't feel guilty at all about not being here much. i absolutely know that you care for me as a person and not just my fics, i promise 🥺 i'm always thinking of you and want you to prioritise yourself. but i'm still more than freaking happy that i can provide some sort of comfort... like, it's so rewarding and makes me feel so good too, to know those lil stories have an impact on you. :((

good luck with your finals, babe. you can do it !! you can do literally anything, and i am aggressively praying for you that things get better after your exams !! please speak to friends and your family if not... and take care of yourself. you're valued and cherished by many, and doing so so well. and i'm always here to talk, too !! 🤍 AND YAY YES SUMMER !!! have the best one !! ☀️

i've been okay-ish? i'm not sure, really. uni is tiring, though i won't be starting writing my papers before june/july!! work is not gonna help tbh :') thank you, sweetheart. love you lots 🤍

[samsung-refrigerator-2000]

Tw: vent. Self harm.

The worst part about having mostly recovered from self harm is that I know how easy it would be for me to give in to the intrusive thoughts right now. Easier now than it was in 5th grade. Easier now than it was when my best friend told me I was a horrible person. Easier now than when my brother told me I was a waste of space. Easier now than when my stepdad screamed in my face countless times. It's so easy to just do it, y'know?

I mean, I did it just the other week. And then a couple weeks before that. It's been harder to stay clean for long these past months. I'm trying, but I can only go so far.

These are very morbid thoughts. This is a very morbid post compared to my usual ones.

It's actually the first time I've ever openly said anything about it before outside of like 3 people over discord. Recently that is, only in the past couple months. Before that hardly anyone still.

It's not like im expecting anyone to read this though. This is just another message to the endless void

Im sorry

[ughgoaway]

hi ace!! thought i would update you on life atm. also tw for mental health issues and death l.

shit has been absolutely wild. i've never told you guys this before, but in 2016, i lost my biological dad. and recently, i've felt myself grieving a lot more than usual. it's an odd feeling. i'm also nearing the end of the school year, with my last day being may 24th so i'm on exam crunch time right now 😭😭 but we're almost there!! i'm also a full month clean from sh!! i've started getting into new artists and working on some new art projects. that's about life rn!!

- 🦀

tw: mental health issues, self harm, death

////////

it's so nice to hear from you, my love!

grief is such a strange thing. It will lay dormant for months or even years and then will just randomly whack you in the chest when you least expect it. I always say to lean into the grief in way (if you feel like you can), allow yourself to feel sad about the loss, and try and remember all the things you loved about the person that you miss <3

I hope the exam crunch is going well!! not long left now, 1 month, and then you will be FREE!!! im sure you'll kill the exams, I have every faith in you :)

also, I am so so SO unbelievably proud of you for getting one month clean! that is such a massive achievement. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself. you're doing fucking amazing. self harm is something that feels unstoppable when you're in it, so it's so amazing that you've managed a whole month, well done, lovely.

I hope your enjoying exploring new artists and making new art! I always find that's when I'm at my happiest, so I hope it's the same for you!! so much love <333

[m1dn1ghtposts]

// tw: suicide, death, self harm, sexual assault, mental illness, vent //

00:22 am

i saw a post about wondering if your 12 year old self would be proud of you today, and i really thought about everything that’s happened. i’ve done some great things but some equally bad ones too, so in this post i’ll go through some of those.

- i graduated high school early with a high gpa

i also reached record suicide attempts when i switched schools, almost succeeded a couple of times, and relapsed into self harm… something she hated. i still pick at my skin, and think about joining my love pretty often. i was physically and verbally abused because a guy that tried to rape me while i was under the influence got mad when i rejected him. yeah i skipped a grade, but i lost everyone, and nobody believed in me until my name was read off at graduation. if i didnt have my partner at the time i would have broken down completely, theres no way i could come back from that much of a dark place and been okay.

- i got accepted into the college i wanted to go to

my car, the only thing that has consistently kept me hanging on to this life, was keyed while i was there. my roommates were toxic and lied to my partner to disrupt my relationship. i couldn’t focus on my classes because they would have people over until anywhere from midnight to 3am. i couldnt get a job because whenever i would show up in my usual dark outfits and makeup to any place in the little country town i would get great reviews as far as capabilities and qualifications go, but never a call back. id also get weird looks all the time, maybe im crazy and seeing things but when a bunch of boys say im scary looking and they feel threatened i dont always take it as a compliment. not to mention the sudden and horrific passing of my partner during finals, the event that drove me to dropping out. to this day im fighting for a refund, despite it all happening within the fall of 2022 semester.

- i drive a cool car and found a really neat interest

i hardly ever get compliments, and my car is damaged, though i’ll never say exactly where. theres chips in the paint where rust pokes through, a piece missing from my windows tint, sun damage on parts of my paint, scratches everywhere either from the keying or from her previous owners… i could point out every little flaw forever. i love my car so much, its crazy to me that i never realized earlier how much i love cars, but that doesn’t mean anybody else appreciates the work and money i put into my car to keep her clean and shiny. not to mention how misogynistic the car community is. its depressing to see some of the posts ive seen, saying how women terrible drivers and dont know anything about cars. not only is it depressing to see from some of my favorite content creators, but its making me want to stop trying. stop pouring so much effort into something nobody will appreciate except me. maybe this is dramatic, but its true to me. once every month or two it takes a few of my friends to convince me to keep trying and keep building her up, but when most of what i see is negativity its very hard to ignore. i dont need everyone to like my car, i dont need everyone to be accepting of women either, i just want to feel like im a part of a community i allign a lot with. isnt the whole point to bond over wanting to modify your car and watch the progress?

- i did great in band and survived all 3 years of marching band (remember, i skipped a year)

i havent touched my trumpet in forever and started smoking sophomore year from stress, right around the school change. i know its bad and will kill me someday, but do i really care? so what, im only alive today because of pure luck. its really sad to say, but i couldnt care less about when this all ends, all i want is to feel okay. i just want to have this small vice and if it kills me someday so be it. also, for every great achievement in band i screwed up a run equally as bad or just didnt even play the music. its hard to stay motivated in a place that hates you.

basically, for every achievement i can boast, there’s an equal or greater bad side to it. at least thats what it seems like. maybe im just negative, or maybe im realistic. why should i lie to myself anyways? my 12 year old self was great at every subject and at least tried to be happy and spread joy despite the bullying. she didnt know about her own abuse, from a family member no less. she didnt know why her step brother liked touching her privates or why he kept doing weird things with her dolls. now it just keeps happening, with everybody i hold close. not even just sexual assault, but manipulation ive learned to notice, straight up abuse that i never recognized. honestly, my current self sees no real value in doing really anything, i’ll lay in bed all day if i cant get up. i could have failed out of college and i couldnt even get a job until it was fully remote. i abuse my body and i cant stop, i dont know how. i smoked weed in college because i couldnt sleep or calm down and now most nights there are a blur, its all i had to cope while 1.5 hours away from my partner… when i had him. maybe its my fault, maybe i just screw up everything i touch like the inverse of midas. i cant tell, i just know im losing it.

[jumpthensfall]

:)

[softxsuki]

Hi there, so may I please make an urgent request.

A 'friend' of mine were in a call with 2 other friends of mine, my 'friend' started saying how she was going to cut her arm on call. She then actually showed her wrist and revealed all the cuts on her arm. It made me feel so incredibly uncomfortable since I am struggiling with self-harm. I've been clean since november, but her scars made me feel a need to do it again. I know I shoud be comforting her and I did, I tried. But she she wouldnt listen. She kept brushing it off like it was nothing. She had to yell at me about it to make me stop.

Im really trying my hardest not to relapse. im trying so hard, i dont want to do it again.

I don't have any friends who are good comforters, if i we're to vent to them they'd all just turn it into some sick fucking joke.

My comfort character is Sugawara and as of right now, I just really want to distract myself or get atleast a little bit of comfort for this.

Maybe a scenario where Suga finds reader in the bathroom with the blade against their skin, they havent done anything yet but are really thinking of it. We open up to him and he comforts us and reassures us that it's gonna be okay.

Though, this is an urgent request. Please feel free to take your time on this one and take lots of breaks. Thanks<3

Sugawara Comforts Reader Who Wants to Self-Harm Again

Pairing: Sugawara x Gn!Reader

Warnings: kinda graphic descriptions of self-harm, mentions of blood (no cutting actually happens though) please skip over any parts that might trigger you. I'll highlight them in red, so if it's something that might do you more harm than good, please skip over it :(

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Oneshot

Word Count: 1.2k

Summary: In which Sugawara catches you in the bathroom with a razor in your hand as you contemplate over self-harming

[A/N: Hey! That wasn't very nice of your 'friend' to be so insensitive like that to you. But that's good that you still tried to comfort her even if it didn't work. I'm sorry that your friends aren't very good at comforting you. It's horrible to think that someone would turn your situation into a joke whenever you seriously reach out for help. Hopefully this oneshot can give you a bit of comfort as Sugawara reassures you and tells you that everything is going to be okay. TW: MENTION OF SELF-HARM--I know you probably hear this a lot, but I went through the same thing from 8th grade to 10th grade and it was hard stopping, especially when it became a habit, BUT here I am almost seven years later and I feel no urges to hurt myself anymore. But the scars are still on my thigh so I definitely regret that, but it is what it is. They're reminders of that battle that I finally won! And you will be victorious as well, so keep fighting! I believe in you. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to or listen to you <3 Take care and stay tough :D]

Tears run down your face as you feel the cold metal of the blade in your hand against your wrist, taunted by the faded marks already littered across your skin. The shower was on, soaking you and your clothes that you couldn’t be bothered to take off. Your tears blend in with the water dripping down on you, desperately wishing that these horrible feelings of harming yourself would just go away.

“Just do it,” a voice in your head screams while a much softer voice begs you not to. Which one would you listen to? You weren’t sure, but the louder voice sounded tempting.

You had been clean for a few months, the litter of old scars on your arms were proof that you hadn’t given in for months, but it was so easy to get the urge to harm yourself back in your head. The razor was so close, but you hadn’t made a move yet, knowing what would happen if you just turned your mind off and gave in.

You thought you were home alone, assuming that Sugawara had Volleyball practice or something, so when you heard a knock along with his voice speaking from the other side of the bathroom door, you paused.

“Hey I just need to use the bathroom real quick, I won’t look!” He announces himself outside the bathroom before pushing the door open.

You were too stunned to move, your razor still positioned on your wrist as you looked up at him wide-eyed. He notices you sitting with the shower on, fully clothed and then his eyes drift slowly to the razor in your hand.

“What are you doing?” He asks in shock, slowly moving towards you.

Once he reaches you, he quickly shuts the water off before cautiously reaching for the razor in your hands, breathing out in relief when he manages to take it from your hands and see’s that you weren’t hurt. You’re full on sobbing now, soaking wet from head to toe, your soaked clothes weighing you down as you apologize profusely to him.

“I didn’t mean it,” you stutter, trying to stop the tears from falling down your face, “I didn’t know what to do, the urge to do it just suddenly came over me!”

“I know darling, it’s okay,” he says softly, reaching over for you, not caring that you were getting him wet as he lifts you out of the tub and into his arms onto the bathroom floor with him, “everything’s going to be okay, leave everything to me now. You don’t need to worry about anything.”

He presses soft kisses to the top of your head and wipes away your tears before reaching for a towel and gently drying you off as best as he could. He wraps the towel around you as you begin to shake from the cold air that felt ten times more cold since you were soaking wet.

“I was doing so well, and I almost just ruined it all…” you mumble as the weight of the situation finally comes crashing down on you.

“No baby, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing an incredible job. I know it’s not easy, but you’ve made it this far and I’ll help you make it even further without hurting yourself again. You can do this. You’re so strong and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. No one’s perfect, we’re bound to fall and slip up here and there, but thankfully I made it in time to stop you.”

You lean back onto his chest, letting his words soak into your heart and mind, thankful that he did make it in time to stop you. You know you’d regret hurting yourself again. You would never forgive yourself if Suga had walked into that bathroom and witnessed a blood bath as you carved into your own skin. But you did feel bad that he had to witness you at such a low moment after months of doing so well, you wish he would never see you like that again.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m a mess right now,” you sigh now fully feeling the heaviness of your wet clothes that weighed down on you, still shivering slightly.

“It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re fine. Please come to me whenever you feel like this again so I can try to help you before your feelings get this far out of control. I don’t want you to feel guilty about your actions and blame yourself,” he reassures you.

You nod in agreement. Just simply talking to him on the bathroom floor made you feel a lot better, so next time you would definitely reach out to him so you wouldn’t have to give in to your negative thoughts that always want to bring you back to the way you were months ago.

“Let’s get you out of those wet clothes before you get sick. You can take a nice warm shower to warm yourself up and I’ll go get you a change of clothes. I can sit right here and talk to you if you want–just so you’re not alone,“ he offers you, as he helps you get back onto your feet.

“I’d like that, thank you Suga.”

So you strip out of your drenched clothes and run yourself a hot shower, sighing in relief under the warm water that felt a lot more comforting than it did earlier. A few minutes later you hear a soft knock at the door along with Sugawara's voice as he enters for the second time that night.

“I got your clothes, so I guess I’ll just sit here and talk to you if you want. I’ll leave once you need to come out and get dressed, unless you’d prefer if I just leave now.”

“No, stay!” You say a little too quickly, embarrassed at the desperation in your voice.

“Okay great. I wanted to stay anyway,” you could hear the smile in his voice, he really knew how to make you feel so calm. Maybe it was the tone of his voice or just the way he spoke, it made shivers run down your spin as light filled your heart.

He began speaking about his day, never mentioning what he had witnessed a few minutes earlier and you were grateful for that. You didn’t need to have him treading cautiously around you, worried that he might say the wrong thing or have him watch you like a hawk, scared that you’ll slip up again–that would make you feel like there was something wrong with you. It was nice to have normalcy in that moment with him, as if things were fine. His words from earlier about offering for you to come to him if you needed him, played in your head and you knew you could. You felt like it would be okay to go to him about any of your worries or emotions.

“Hinata and Nishinoya were goofing off so much today during lunch. It was hilarious Y/N, I wish you could have seen it,” he continues talking about his day, stopping frequently to see if you had anything to add.

You smile at his rambling, just enjoying the sound of his voice as your worries wash away with the water down the drain. You were relieved that you were still clean from self-harm and hoped that you could continue to be clean until the urge to harm yourself no longer hung over your head. But even if you did happen to slip up and ruin that clean streak, you knew Sugawara would still be by your side motivating you to push forward and try again.

You could do it. You would do it!

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 1/25/2022

[kokichixreaderthings]

I am sorry if you have done this already but kokichi with a s/o who self harms?sorry if it triggers you:(

kokichi x reader who self harms, headcanons <3

i have already done this but i like the request so i’m going to do it again! i decided to write headcanons this time instead of just a fanfiction of one moment,, i hope you like it! 💜

when kokichi finds out you self harm, he’s not mad or anything

he’s a bit upset though, since he doesn’t want you to be hurt like this at all

but he understands how you feel, perhaps, from experience

and he knows it’s really difficult

so he decides it! he’d going to help you during the process of getting better!

“im here for you, i promise. and a special kokichi ouma promise can’t be broken, y’know!”

he gives you even more affection than he used to before, determined on making you realize how loved you are and how amazing you are

of course, it’s a little scary telling this much truth in such a serious manner but he knows you need it

“you’re beautiful y’know? and so, so cool. im really lucky to be with someone so amazing...and that’s the truth.”

he might joke around a bit to lighten the mood, but only if you seem comfortable with it

if you ask him to stop, he will!

however, if you like his lighthearted approach, then he’ll continue doing that

he just wants to make you comfortable!

and if you’re the type to make self depreciating jokes, he might laugh a bit, since he knows it’s a coping mechanism

but he’ll always make sure to tell you you don’t deserve that

“okayyy but you’re not bad at all! you’re actually pretty perfect if you ask me!”

and if you ever need anyone to talk to or vent about your feelings, he’s right there when you need him and he’ll listen to whatever you have to say!

he’ll be really gentle with you, wanting you to be feel as safe as possible

“you can tell me what’s going on, sweetheart. i’m here. i want to help you feel better.”

and he’ll wipe your tears if you end up crying

“heyyy, don’t cry. i mean, you’re still beautiful when you cry but stilll!”

and he’ll attempt to give you any advice

...though it might not be too good

he’s trying his best!

if you end up being insecure of any marks you’ve made,

“huh? but, you look so nice! with all your marks included!”

he really means it, you’re his s/o, you’re everything to him!

and if you’ve reached a milestone that is important to you, such as a day, a week, or a month

he’ll throw a whole party for you!

complete with balloons and your favorite dessert!

“surprise!!!!! congratulations on your milestone!!”

he’ll run up to you and give you a big hug!

“i’m soooooooo proud of you!”

and he plans a complete self care day for you too!

you two will watch your favorite videos and eat your favorite foods and will cuddle all day!

he’ll buy you a gift too, whatever you really want

“i love you, y/n. i’m glad you feel better.”

warning here for losing your clean streak

if you end up self-harming again and losing your clean streak, he’s still totally supportive of you

again he knows how hard this is, so he’s not upset or disappointed at all

progress takes a lot and he’s aware of that

“hey, im still proud of you, and you should be proud too! you made it so far, this is just a tiny setback”

he’ll take care of you, and make sure that your wounds are clean, or that they don’t hurt

he’ll comfort you too, and hold you

“it’ll be okay, you’ll be okay. i promise and i told you my special promises can’t be broken right?”

he’ll always be here for you! through all the ups and the downs

after all, he loves you

thank you for reading!! kokichi ouma does love you <3

[om-headcanon]

Hey, can I request a hc for when the brothers see your past scars from self harming? (I used to self harm when I was 11 because of bullying and depression (I don't do it now so no worries) and my mom saw my scars and them being permanent she said something like "no one is gonna marry you if you have scars" so I was just wondering how the brothers would react to them) it got dark real quick lol it's fine if you don't want to do this request. I love your writing keep up the good work thank you💖

hey!! thank you for the request! as someone that has been where you were, im so proud of you for stopping, i know how difficult that is!! i also want to tell you your mom is incorrect and you can definitely find love/get married. i know youre going to find someone who truly loves and cares for you!!! and thank you for the kind words, ill continue try my best and write well!! ^^ (big tw for self harm mentions, self harm scars, etc.)

lucifer

he sees on accident

you were stretching and your shirt sleeve fell enough for him to see

he doesnt really know why you have so many scars on your wrists, so he decides to do some research on what could have caused this

hes shocked when he learns where they came from

lucy acknowledges that it may be quite a sensitive subject, so he doesnt inquire about it directly with you

he does look into how to heal them and proceeds to buy every single thing that looks like it might help

when you walk into the kitchen and see 5000 home remedies on the counter... that is why

mammon

hes more direct and actually does ask about them

if you dont mind explaining he will listen, but if youre uncomfortable with the topic he wont ask any further and does the research on his own

he does apologize for asking in case you didnt want to talk about it

if youre ever out together and youre uncomfortable because you forgot your jacket, he will give you his

or if you dont own a jacket, hell save up his money to buy you your own

hell also make sure all the knives are put up so they dont trigger you

leviathan

whenever you reach a milestone like 100 days or 6 months clean, you dont even have to tell him

because he already knows

and hes so proud of you

“henry, did you know mc is 3 months clean today? woaaaah!! im so proud of them!”

he doesnt want to risk making you uncomfortable by bringing it up, so he waits until you say something about it

levi spoils you on milestone days but doesnt say why

hell just randomly bring home a whole cake for you and expect you to not ask why

also if he learns blades trigger you, hell make sure he checks the contents of every game before suggesting you two play it

satan

i personally headcanon that hes dealt with this himself?

so he recognizes them immediately

and he doesnt want to pry because he knows it could be sensitive, but he wants you to know he understands

he lets you know that even if you relapse, hes still so proud of you! recovery isnt linear and youre allowed to face difficulties along the way

he mentions that he has the recipe for a scar healing potion he used for himself once and he helps you make it

he tells you that if you ever feel like youre close to relapsing, go to him and hell help distract you

asmodeus

showers you with hugs and kisses every single day telling you how proud he is of you

if youre not a fan of being reminded of it so often though, he will gladly stop!

like levi he also knows how long its been

"mc, im so so proud of you!! its been 3 years!"

he leaves random sweets like pretty donuts in your room to celebrate

he doesnt know why you did it, but just in case you did it because of low self worth, he gives you a LOT of love

asmo doesnt want you to doubt for a second that youre loved

beelzebub

i also headcanon that belphie is familiar with this as well

so beel has experience from taking care of his twin

but he doesnt seem to understand that these are scars?

he applies ointment and wraps your arms in bandages... but then you tell him these are scars, not fresh wounds so that wont really work

"...oh ):"

beels kinda embarrassed ... he just didnt want you to be in pain ):

you hug him and explain its alright and you appreciate him looking out for you!!

belphegor

as fore mentioned, i believe he shares similar experiences

he notices one day when youre both napping

he wakes up and your sleeve has ridden up a bit

belphie goes to the bathroom and gets some scar reduction cream he happened to have lying around, and rubs it onto your arms carefully not to wake you

afterwards he climbs back into bed with you and falls asleep

hes gotten into the habit of doing this everytime you nap together

he never tells you... so youre just left wondering how your scars are fading so well