#just selfish 'how can i feel better NOW'

[slippery-minghus]

ah. have officially hit the point of exhaustion for this move that unless someone literally sets a plate of food in front of me, i'm not going to be able to feed myself.

well... i will be able to feed myself. because i'm amazing at breaking through my own limits no matter the cost, because support is not something i get to have. it's fine. i'm great at this. having support needs is irrelevant when there is no one *to* help. so i just gotta figure it out.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[batsplat]

A sentence in Casey’s book impressed me, even though he didn't name anyone explicitly

“Maybe someone who could put on the charm when they need it regardless of sincerity could have turned the situation around but I don’t have that skill.”

He totally gets that Valentino has endless charm, lol. I’m sure he felt it too when they hung out

yes!! this was about casey and his relationship to the fans wasn't it, and in a section of the book where he was talking about his rivalry with valentino, so hardly a stretch to say it was deliberately alluding to him. and of course casey talking about valentino's charm is not unrelated to how casey did seem to like valentino perfectly fine back in the day... how he said back in 2007 that he liked talking to valentino, that they generally talked about stuff other than racing, how valentino gets on with most guys in the paddock... though it's interesting (if not particularly surprising) how by the time the autobiography is written, casey portrays the early dynamic between the pair of them pretty dispassionately. just from the book you'd get the sense of someone who was coolly respectful of valentino until valentino started pissing him off, rather than someone who was... y'know, also a bit of a fan. somebody who got the valentino rossi appeal, shall we say. we all have our crosses to bear

which, I don't even think it was just about the racing. I doubt he ever wanted to emulate valentino in the same way jorge or marc might have wanted to do off the track, but stuff like calling him a "great competitor and a great sportsman"... that for years he'd been "dreaming to be like him"... that valentino and doohan were "the sort of people I wanted to become like"... I reckon that's a little more than simply respect for him as a rider, and I don't think casey back then would have said that stuff just because he knew it'll play well with the public. he found valentino exciting, like so many before and since have done - and still did so for the entirety of 2006 (he said more recently that he was even more impressed by valentino after that season, which is kinda noteworthy given that's the year valentino did, you know, lose the title). but then they became direct rivals, and. well

of course the "regardless of sincerity" in the quote is pretty pointed lol, like he does clearly see valentino as very two-faced and willing to spin a line regardless of whether it's true or not and also as someone happy to deceive others for his own gains. and his rhetoric has also changed just a wee bit since he published the autobiography on that count, where he more recently does stress how... well, he did learn from how valentino played the media! he learned how to get friendly with journalists! he learned how to play that game, of trying to win the public discourse! he might never have liked it, and he still probably would say like in the autobiography that this "charm" "regardless of sincerity" isn't something that he'll ever be as good at as valentino was. but he did dabble in the dark arts just a touch... I think one of the most interesting tensions of that rivalry is to what extent valentino forced casey out of his comfort zone both on- and off-track and ended up making casey adopt behaviours and attitudes he continued to find reprehensible. casey considers valentino 'selfish' both on- and off-track but to fight him both on- and off-track he became more selfish in turn... very dramatically compelling

anyway, here's casey chatting to fellow aussie jb when he's come to watch the podium celebrations after one of valentino's 2005 wins:

[nervocat]

man.

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun

[inkykeiji]

Touya apologizing to Shoto? Touya-nii would never.

All jokes aside I’m running back to the Touya-nii universe after this ending because I am… not a fan of it. 🙃 I thought I had prepared myself mentally for whatever Hori had in store but now that I’m seeing it for myself I just feel even more angry for Touya. It doesn’t feel like justice for him.

HAHAHA literally exactly what i said too, yes!!!!! he’s shouting weaaaaak! at canon touya, and while his voice is strong and harsh and stone cold, his eyes are glazed with the thinnest layer of tears—so thin you can only see them when the light catches on his eyes juuust right.

no i completely agree. i talked about it a little bit here but yeah, i’m really upset with the way everything is being handled. it just feels so insanely disrespectful. i could write you a whole essay on how upset i am and why i’m so upset but i am just so tired of talking about it LMAO ugh ._. well, at least we got shaggy-haired touya :( who looks exactly like my touya-nii does :( if nothing else, that’s one positive from this chapter!!

[cherrygarden]

i don't know about you but i. want to kms

[bloomingbluebell]

i hate that people seem to value my potential worth with a bachelor's degree ("you'll make more money!" as if my degree program isn't one of the least useful degrees if you're not going into med school) over my mental health. as if monthly OCD-induced and autistic meltdowns aren't bad enough.

it's not like i'm a semester or two away from graduating. i have a couple YEARS left. i'm still technically in my third year in my degree. i can only manage 3 courses at the very most and any more causes me to burn out and my executive dysfunction plummets

[orbmanson7]

:(

Very bad grade in therapy today

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

it's like. everything happens so much. it's all happening right now but at the same time nothing is happening whatsoever. it's a liminal space of an existence. it's slowly crushing me under the weight but when I look up there's nothing actually bearing down on me. there shouldn't be any weight. something is wrong but nothing has happened. I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and utterly bored. nothing is happening and maybe that's the everything that's happening. maybe the everything is the nothing. we aren't there yet but it's all so imminent. either everything is going to crash down or nothing is. I'm just waiting to figure out which.

[muttsona]

i am the poisoned blood running through my tired veins

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

[widevibratobitch]

aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

[caffeinatedopossum]

I wrote a poem

"This won't make you happy"

That's what people say when I confess

Well I know they think they're helping

But it doesn't ease my distress

This won't make me happy,

Don't you think I knew that at the start?

The goal was never to be happy,

Just to not fall apart

A gravely injured animal

Does not have happiness on its mind

And in its desperation

Will take any escape it finds

"Things will get better"

That's something I hear all the time

But it's biased information

Even if its not quite a lie

Things will always change-

That's the version I believe

But knowing things change for the worse

It's not much of a reprieve

Hope is a fickle thing

Like a shape shifting beast

It's both beautiful and ugly

Depending on which side you see

Hope is everything you have

When you've got nothing left

But with just one thing worth fighting for

Can be a flame burning in your chest

I was born with this restless pain

But introduced to something new

There are few pains greater

Than finally having something to lose

[kindnessoverperfection]

wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.