#just sucks to have a miscommunication that leads to insecurity | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

loveisneurotic · 3 years

Text

Kaguya-sama Blind Reaction/Analysis: S1E1

Hello everyone, this is my blog which I am currently using to react to and analyze Kaguya-sama: Love Is War much more seriously than I should analyze any romcom.

I have only seen the first episode of the anime, which this post shall explore using far too many words. If I'm feeling particularly motivated, I may read the manga as well.

My analysis will contain spoilers. If you're thinking of watching this show and haven't seen it yet, I recommend you at least go check out the first episode yourself before reading any further. I don't know what the rest of the show is like, but what I've seen so far has been both entertaining and thought-provoking.

I'm going in mostly blind, but not entirely blind. There are a few images of the anime and manga that I have been exposed to, although without the attached context. Due to cultural osmosis and the sheer popularity of this work, perhaps that was almost inevitable.

Figure 1.1.1: Why did this guy write an essay about a single episode of an ongoing romcom?

Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

Season 1 Episode 1

I Will Make You Invite Me to a Movie / Kaguya Wants to Be Stopped / Kaguya Wants It

Power dynamics in relationships

Figure 1.1.2: Immediately, the mangaka's tastes become clear.

I heard a saying once that really stuck with me: "The partner who cares the least has all of the power."

In the world of dating, I often sincerely believed this saying. You may yearn for someone's affection, but the other person need not give it to you until they are willing and ready. No matter how much you want it, you can't make someone more interested in you, unless you resort to being roundabout, such as adding some mystery and intrigue to your courtship. But is that excessive?

I once felt a potential lover slipping through my grasp, and before I knew it, I found myself chasing after them. As I was yearning for their attention, I felt as if I'd lost my dignity. It was humiliating. Painful. Was it just that they weren't the right person for me? Or was I not funny enough? Not charismatic enough? Not interesting enough? Too clingy? Too talkative? Should I have been more distant and given them more space? Did I seem too weak? Too eager? How should I have maximized my desirability? Regardless, I had surely lost. Perhaps they wanted the satisfaction and validation of conquering me. Playing me for a fool and asserting their superiority by being so distant. Isn't that right? Or is that just insecurity speaking? At what point is it ideal to cut one's losses and walk away?

If someone desperately wants the object of their affection to desire them, does that make them pathetic? Does it make them a loser? If you show more vulnerability and desire than the other person, does that truly make you the weak one in a relationship?

These questions plague our two protagonists and seem to be a driving force behind the main conflict. Since I have also grappled with how much to reveal my own feelings of desire, I find Kaguya-sama: Love Is War to be a particularly fascinating show.

Desire without action

Figure 1.1.3: Our protagonists are gifted with impressively high academic intelligence paired with impressively low emotional intelligence.

The show wastes no time in introducing us to our two main protagonists. Kaguya was born into a family of high stature (and says "ara ara" frequently enough to power a small country of weebs), whereas Shirogane is a "commoner" (Kaguya's word, not mine) who worked hard to reach the pinnacle of the student body. Like timid schoolchildren, they're crushing on each other, and yet they refuse to admit it due to their pride. Instead, they focus on getting their "opponent" to confess their love first.

What stuck out to me immediately is how they both have different ideas of what their relationship would be like. Shirogane envisions Kaguya as blushing, shy, and conventionally cute, whereas Kaguya (thankfully) envisions herself taking absolute dominance over Shirogane (which plenty of people should see coming as a character trait after the anime's very first scene). The bad news about this is that their two fantasies are at odds. The good news about this is that the mangaka has fantastic taste -- you can learn a lot about a storyteller based on the characterization of a love interest or lead character of the author's preferred gender.

In the event that the two of them become an actual couple, I wonder how on Earth they'll reach a compromise as to how they'll treat each other. Perhaps they will have to figure that out before they can even get that intimate.

I appreciate that we get to see both of their perspectives. It hammers home how everyone has a different truth in regards to what they desire and what they experience, and the show does not hold back when it comes to showing just how different these truths can be -- such as a certain lunch-themed sequence that I will talk about later. This works to great dramatic and comedic effect.

That said, when you spend your time fantasizing about what could happen instead of actually taking action, time is not so friendly to you.

Half a year passes.

Figure 1.1.4: Two geniuses dedicate their pride to wasting their life and energy.

Immediately, I got the impression that whoever wrote this segment of the story knows what they're doing. This is too real. And by "too real", I mean I very much appreciate the realism. How many of us have waited for ages (or for eternity) to confess our feelings to a specific someone?

This is the curse of having a crush and being incapable of acting on it. It's also why I hate having crushes.

Manufacturing affection in others, AKA the extraction of vulnerability

Figure 1.1.5: A plan is devised to weaponize jealousy in the name of affection.

To express your truest feelings means being vulnerable. That implies taking a risk and feeling responsible for any potential consequences of rejection, as well as putting our dignity on the line. It would be so much easier for the object of our affection to make themselves vulnerable instead. So instead of being direct and honest, we act indirect. We drop hints. We act suggestively, but not explicitly. We may even place them in situations where we think they are more likely to confess. If they don't pick up on it, we can pretend we didn't mean anything by it. That way, we don't have to risk our dignity. We can just wait for them to make the move.

It sucks.

Incidentally, it sucks even more when both you and your love interest are thinking that way.

It sucks infinitely more when both you and your love interest are COMMITTED to thinking that way.

Someone has to break the deadlock, whether that's immediately or eventually.

If this show isn't one of those romcoms where the status quo never changes ever (judging by the quality of writing, I have faith that it isn't), then at some point, either Shirogane or Kaguya is going to have to be explicit about how they really feel. And it's going to feel scarier to them than anything else they've ever done.

It's gonna be great.

If we could all grow up and live in environments where it's safe and encouraged for all of us to be honest about how we feel and what we want, surely love would be much less painful for so many people.

Chaos theory

Figure 1.1.6: If your prospective lover won't protect you, then your friend definitely will.

Chika is the ideal wild card and agent of chaos in this arena of love.

From a writing perspective, Chika is immensely useful. The mangaka probably could have gotten by without a third character in the mix, but she serves as a catalyst and an unknown element, able to create unpredictability and subversion of expectations. For a comedy-oriented story, this is invaluable.

Blissfully unaware of the mental turmoil that plagues our two lovesick dorks, she is able to unintentionally invalidate whatever schemes that Kaguya or Shirogane spent so much mental energy on, which adds extra comedy and tension for the audience. She is also an effective vehicle for Kaguya's jealousy and projection, as seen in the lunchbox scene which I have so graciously foreshadowed.

Figure 1.1.7: We have confirmed visual on an unidentified fourth person. Chekhov would love this. From their posture, I wonder if they'll be a gloomy character?

Misunderstandings and assumptions

I've heard that most interpersonal conflicts in life emerge from misunderstandings. In the absence of communication, assumptions are born and give rise to misunderstandings.

You may know where I'm going with this. Let's talk about the lunchbox sequence.

Figure 1.1.8 (not pictured because tumblr wishes to deny me of my image spam): Kaguya is too prideful to admit she thinks that a couple is doing something cute.

Figure 1.1.9: Pride is considered a sin for a reason.

From a writing perspective, I was impressed by the lack of romantic intentions in Shirogane in this whole sequence. Not once did he try to get Kaguya to show vulnerability to him. Instead, Kaguya is the only one spinning the situation in a romantic way, while Shirogane's driving force is the misunderstanding that Kaguya is looking down on him for what he eats. Because of this misunderstanding, Shirogane doubles down and makes his food even better, making the situation even more complicated and more stressful for Kaguya. This was definitely my favorite comedy sequence from the first episode.

I appreciate that the show has demonstrated the ability to create these scenarios where one of the characters doesn't even have love on their mind, but there are still romantic thoughts coming from the other character which drives the drama. It gives me a lot of faith in the variety this show will have to offer, and makes me excited to watch more.

When it comes to comedy rooted in misunderstandings, it is important to have miscommunication or lack of communication. In order to resolve a misunderstanding, you need to talk about it. For a pairing as dysfunctional as Kaguya and Shirogane, expecting healthy communication sounds highly unreasonable, which makes them prime material for a whole world of misunderstandings.

Misunderstandings are rooted in assumptions about what the other person meant when they said something or made a certain gesture or expression. When Kaguya glared at Shirogane and his food, he didn't even think to ask "What's the matter?" He just made an assumption about how she felt. I wonder if trying to understand Kaguya's feelings would be considered a sign of weakness by Shirogane?

A prerequisite to initiating an emotional conversation is the desire to understand or be understood by the other person -- assuming that your assumptions haven't already built a narrative for you. It is far easier to make assumptions than it is to attempt any sort of understanding.

In the end, Shirogane fled, unwilling to confront or attempt to understand the intense and passive-aggressive Kaguya. Kaguya feels that she cannot directly ask to try his lunch, so perhaps this is the closest she can get to initiating such a conversation with him at this time. Despite their mind games where they imagine the reactions of their opponent, they still have a lot of difficulty understanding each other.

I am curious to see if this prospective couple's communication skills and emotional intelligence will improve over the course of the story.

The burden of potential romance

Figure 1.1.10: Even the infallible genius Kaguya succumbs to superficial jealousy. It's "mind over matter" versus "matter over mind". That's how the saying goes, right?

Chika is a free spirit, able to ask Shirogane for whatever she wants without being neurotic. That is the power of not being bounded by a crush. Kaguya, who lacks that degree of freedom, briefly loathes her for experiencing something that Kaguya cannot ask for. It's amazing how much someone's feelings for a friend can change without a single word being spoken between them. All it takes is an action, unintentional or not, combined with the raw strength of insecurity. Just as quickly, the status quo can return back to normal too, with the act of properly making up.

To Chika, asking for food from someone doesn't mean anything at all, whereas with Kaguya, it is an admission of defeat. In that sense, a relationship that will only ever be platonic brings peace of mind, whereas a relationship that can be potentially romantic brings leagues upon leagues of anxiety if the outcome is of great concern.

Love is neurotic.

Is love worth the pain? For some people, it is not. For others, the reward is immense -- but only if you can make sure your relationship with this person doesn't end up being a nightmare for your emotional health.

Love and self-identity

The final scene of the episode surprised me in a good way. It's a brief departure from the comedy, and reveals a more heartfelt side of the show.

Kaguya's servant asks her an insightful question. It is substantially more insightful than I would expect from any romcom: "If you fell in love some day, would you wait for that person to confess their love, like now? Or would you confess your love?" I found myself immediately curious to hear Kaguya's answer, since I knew it would be highly informative about her character.

"If that time comes, I would consider the risk of someone stealing him first and come to the one rational conclusion." Even in the realm of love, Kaguya seems precise and calculating. It's as if she hesitates to give a straight answer, but then she confirms: "Of course I would go."

Figure 1.1.11: "Please understand."

It is not embarrassment or rejection that Kaguya fears; it is the absolute destruction of her identity and sense of self. Kaguya is the daughter of a family that practically runs the country. In her mind, everyone yearns for her and wishes to serve her. Turning that around and reaching out to another person to express her own desire would be a direct contradiction of that. It is probably a similar situation for Shirogane, where the infallible self-image he has built up is being put at risk during his romantic duels against Kaguya.

Kaguya clearly feels trapped. She and Shirogane see each other as threats to be conquered, but in reality, they both share a mutual enemy that is much more imposing and insidious: their own simultaneous disgust at the idea of vulnerability.

Their freedom is dominated by their insecurities, and so, even despite their impressive stature, they are still very human. Their upbringing that has lead them to become so accomplished may be more of a curse than a blessing, due to the resulting pride and self-image they likely feel pressured to uphold.

It is hard to cast aside a lie that you have bought into for your whole life.

If our two protagonists wish to have a chance of establishing a healthy romantic relationship, they have a lot of their own demons to overcome first. If they cannot set aside their pride and reach mutual understanding, they have no hope.

Until then, they will both remain trapped in a hell of their own design, however tragically comedic it may be.

My hopes for this story's future

I can tell that the mangaka, unlike far too many writers all over the world, actually seems to have a solid understanding of romance and the conflict that arises within. I've watched too many anime that place huge focus on the "will they or won't they" crap which never runs any deeper than one or both of the characters being too embarrassed to just say what they're thinking, without any sort of convincing mental blocker. In that case, it's clearly just manufactured drama which is designed to pad out the story and waste your time rather than pose interesting questions and themes. In the case of Kaguya and Shirogane, the two of them have substantial communication issues which are depicted in a comedic yet mature way, which I have found engaging.

I very much hope that the show will more deeply explore the themes and questions surrounding the ideas of vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and superiority within relationships. Kaguya and Shirogane have been set up to be great vehicles for such exploration, and I hope the mangaka can capitalize on that, especially if our protagonists can confront these issues directly.

My impression is that the ending will make or break this story. If the mangaka can pull it off well, I can already believe the payoff will be hugely satisfying.

Of course, in order to get to that point, we'll have to see a certain something. It has to do with the most sacred word amongst romcom enthusiasts: "progress". Indeed, after spending chapters upon chapters watching two characters bumble around amidst the same exact status quo, those little signs of advancements in a relationship are highly rewarding.

Underneath all of their aggression, if we can see Kaguya and Shirogane slowly open up to each other and realize the benefits of vulnerability, I think we could witness something really beautiful and really emotionally cathartic.

I've still only seen one episode, but I believe the mangaka has laid a fantastic groundwork for a series and can do a great job developing upon what I've seen so far. On that note, I will surpass our prideful protagonists by opening my heart to this story and entrusting it with my vulnerability, believing it can deliver satisfying development and resolution. You can do it!

Closing thoughts

I did not expect to write so much about a single episode of an ANIME of all things, but here we are. If only I could conjure this kind of power back when I actually needed it in high school English class!

The first episode alone is already so rich with characterization and themes that I managed to find quite a lot to talk about. Given how much I found myself relating to the characters and some of their situations, it's clear to me how this show became so popular. Not only are the animation, direction, and writing excellent, but also many people can probably relate to love feeling like a battlefield.

I do not want to believe in the idea of winners and losers in relationships. That idea creeps into my head whenever I'm having trouble keeping the interest of a new date, and I find myself wondering where those thoughts even come from. Lately, I have been reflecting on the way I relate to other people. Perhaps I've started experiencing this show at a time in my life when I most needed it, and that's why I felt driven to write such a large analysis.

This show poses some very interesting questions about romance that I do not actually know the answer to at the time of writing. I do not know yet how much the show is actually going to explore these themes. Regardless, I appreciate how this show is helping me reflect, and I am curious to see if and how the mangaka will answer some of the questions brought about by the story's themes.

This is a show that I'll most likely have to pace myself with. There was so much to process in this first episode alone. If I went any faster, I'm not sure if I'd even catch all of the details and character moments. I'm excited to move onto the second episode soon.

A highly subjective footnote about my cultured tastes

I'm glad that Kaguya is a sadistic dom with a gentle and vulnerable side, solely on the basis of that being my favorite personality type in a love interest. It also helps that it makes Kaguya's fantasies that much funnier with Shirogane acting so out of character. I feel like this show was made for me.

What was I writing about again? Oh yeah, writing a gigantic wall of text about an anime romcom. Somehow, I spent an entire day on this essay. Hopefully someone got a kick out of it.

#kaguya sama: love is war #analysis #long post #reactions

25 notes · View notes

k-l-a-n-c-e-a-c-a-d-e-m-y · 4 years

Text

Them fighting over and essentially splitting up over Sasuke is so fucking pointless!! Ino was the first genuine friend Sakura had and was the only person who saw her for who she was... she looked at Sakura and saw what she was capable of!! That every thing she envied in other people, she already had she just needed support! And Ino was her support!!! Sakura herself even points out that that moment between them... stuck with her and she hung on to that. Sakura sees Ino as this pillar of what she aspires to be. She’s her goal:.... Sakura just wants to be equal with Ino and that was reason enough for having conflict between them! Sakura was so happy to hear Ino say that to her that she got so emotional that she started crying!! Like it would make sense if Sakura wanted to put distance between them bc yes Ino protected her but by doing so she held Sakura back. Sakura felt like Ino’s lackey while Ino felt obligated to protect her.... Ino wanted to shield her bc she knows Sakura is fragile and insecure but by doing that she limited her ability to grow and stand up for herself which stopped her from reaching Ino...,... That conflict, the miscommunication that could come from that was explanatory enough for them to go seperate ways.... they could still be rivals and still care for each other but have that tension.. tension that will eventually lead to them fighting and acknowledging that and then end with them starting to acknowledge each other as equals... Ino could go from seeing Sakura as smth fragile to someone who is strong on her own even if she needs to hear it sometimes.... and Sakura could see Ino as just a person and not this pillar that represents what she SHOULD be .... maybe I’m making this more deep than it actually is but it fucking sucks that there IS a foundation for it but it’s overshadowed by their obsession with some boy bc that obsession gets more focus than the rest of their relationship...

Like look!! You have Ino being shocked by Sakura’s strength VS Sakura who is telling herself that she can do this! “She was such a baby... when did she turn so tough?!” VS “I can do this! I can!” And that lead to them punching each other at the same time... bc they are FINALLY on equal footing... even if they don’t realize it yet....

They literally parallel each other’s stance here!! Both of them knocking each other’s headbands down as if Sakura is rising up to Ino’s level and Ino is sinking down to hers...

And Ino later hands Sakura’s headband to her and comments that she has finally blossomed... this is her getting the recognition she’s always wanted and this is also Ino acknowledging Sakura for her strength and not her weakness. This also shows that even Ino remembered that moment between them... that moment that Sakura hung on to? Ino hung on to it too which shows that that really was such a defining moment in their relationship.

And you can see Sakura’s pleased smile as she puts the headband on... and ofc Sasuke just had to be brought up again like what was the reason? Was everything before not enough? I hate Naruto Naruto fuxking sucks

#Naruto thoughts #inosaku #Naruto #I have sm thoughts on them this is a fucking essay #I was gonna soace ot ouyf but I kept going #fuckkkkk I hate Naruto

81 notes · View notes

normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

Note

I don’t really get the prevailing fandom opinion that malec are bad at communication. I mean, sure they are shown acting on their insecurities and flaws which is honesty how people work, and sometimes the situation was larger than their relationship. But like they still talk even when it’s difficult and doesn’t work immediately and always make sure they are there for each other.

i think it depends a little bit? for alec i think he's pretty great at communication. he's always very willing to talk, very clear about what he means and feels and thinks, and just generally i can't think of any stance where he failed at communicating tbh. like even in s1 he made his feelings and the way he viewed things very clear. the one thing i can think of is him going to talk to asmodeus without talking to magnus first and leading to that whole forced break up drama, which i guess could be interpreted as lack of communication, but i think it was more him being like... dumb lmao

i mean not dumb that's not fair but alec is a fixer and he has a tendency to act like he alone is supposed to solve ppl's problems, especially ppl he loves' problems. so he went to talk to asmodeus himself without actually sitting magnus down and trying to think of a solution TOGETHER, and i guess that's lack of communication, but i think it's less because they miscommunicated and more because alec wanted to be the one to fix things and make it better for magnus, he wanted to shield him from having to fix this himself when it was clearly eating him away. it wasn't a problem in communication, it was a choice. a terrible choice, but still

other than that we got him lying about the soul sword but that was also just a terrible choice, not a miscommunication thing lmao. and then we have alec being consistently great at communication. he tries to initiate conversations, even difficult ones, when he knows magnus isn't alright; he does the same as much as possible for himself, although again he has that tendency to want to solve his own problems. he is always very clear about how he feels and what he thinks, to the point of being blunt or too straightforward and even too fast or intense (not that magnus minds, on the contrary). he's big on love declarations, reassurance, initiating conversations... i don't think it could be argued that this is something alec is not good at in the show

magnus is a different story. he's good at communicating some things, like his talk with alec after the suicide attempt, that was on point. or in the s2 breakup, he was pretty clear about what he was feeling and thinking and his reasons. but then it comes to communicating his own feelings and insecurities, and we gotta be real: my man fucking sucks

he's always trying to hide it when he's sad or upset or dealing with something difficult, and then either he explodes or alec has to make him say it, which is... not good daojhsdoaj. and leads to stuff like the breakdown after he lost his magic. lying to alec about being happy he lost his HWoB position. not wanting to tell alec about his flashbacks or his past or even who his fucking father was. never really expressing any of his insecurities, telling him as little as possible whenever a conversation was inevitable... the list goes on. i mean, again, this wasn't really miscommunication as much as it was a very, very bad choice to hide stuff from alec, but at the end of the day it does mean he's not communicating what he feels to his partner and that. is bad lmao

and look i'm not saying magnus is terrible or whatever cuz i've been talking all day today about how that is 100% a result of his abuse and trauma, so like doahdsjoaidja. it's something he struggles with and that he does because it's really, really difficult for him, and he's working on it. but he's still not communicating, and, because alec is always so clear about it, he trusts that magnus is telling him the truth when he asks. which is what he's supposed to do. so that does lead to some communication issues, so i can kiinda see where the fandom comes from in that stance, because there are a lot of moments where magnus is simply not opening up about how he feels and alec is either in the dark or having to figure out how to make him say it

other than that, though, i don't really see particular problems with the way they communicate as a couple? i think they are always willing to have talks even when it's difficult, and (again, apart from magnus hiding his problems) they don't really shy away from issues in their relationship. they are always there for each other. and we didn't ever really get misunderstandings drama like "magnus said x but alec understood y" (or vice-versa). when they actually sat down to talk and magnus wasn't downplaying his own situation, they were always on the same page. and when they did sit down to talk, they were always very mature about it, even the few times that they were straight up fighting (which we didn't even get a lot of. which is something i like. like yeah people fight but if they are actually willing to listen to each other and work things out they talk a lot more than they fight. i don't remember the last time i had a straight up fight with a friend or partner, even when i was angry). so i don't think they are bad at communication as a couple. magnus is bad at communication when it comes to being honest about his own problems and feelings. that's basically it for me

#ask #anonymous #idk how to tag this lol #long post #sh #meta #malec meta #i suppose

16 notes · View notes

sunflowerhae · 4 years

Note

Omfg the story of us is one of my fav Taylor songs so can you write that with mark 🥺🥺 thank youuuuuu

|📣 ▹▹ brooo it’s one of my favorite too 😩😩 I hope u enjoy! 💕🌙 ok tbh I don’t really like the ending so sorry abt that😔😔

Send in your music requests! ✨👼🏻

“I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us How we met and the sparks flew instantly And people would say, "they're the lucky ones’”

“Jesus you two are so lucky” Yeji couldn’t keep her comments in as you turned away from Marks retreating frame and to the green-eyed girl sitting in front of you at the library desk you two were currently occupying. Late night study sessions for the upcoming college exams called for loyal boyfriends to bring coffee from the campus starbucks for you and your best friend, effortlessly gaining brownie points with you.

“What do you mean we’re lucky?” You snickered as you handed her coffee to her and immediately sucked in your own cold, bitter sweet; feeling the coffee practically revive your body.

Yeji sighed with an elongated eye roll to express her clear annoyance at your confusion. “Y/n, everyone knows you and Mark are the cutest couple on campus. I mean you two met at what, a frat party?-“

“-yeah” you mumbled.

“-Yeah, and you two immediately clicked. I mean your two year anniversary is coming up, right? I won’t be surprised if you two are telling your children how you met in 10 years.” She laughed at the end of her sentence as you gasped and balled up an empty piece of paper in front of you; throwing it at her giggling and arm-protected frame as you whisper yelled,

“Yeji - shut up!” The light pink hue undoubtedly covered your face and ears at her claims as you both went back to the notes in front of you. Yeji - quickly forgetting the conversation - started complaining about the riparian plants of the San Joaquin (“-like we’re not even at the San Joaquin-“) but your mind was too preoccupied with the previous conversation, and a smile slowly etched it’s way onto your face as her words settled deep into your heart -

Unfortunately setting you up for heartbreak.

“Oh, a simple complication Miscommunications lead to fall out So many things that I wish you knew So many walls up I can't break through”

“Well you were supposed to come over and help me pack!” You couldn’t help your voice from failing you and slightly raising in accusation and anger, and you cringed at the annoyance of your tone. You could hear Mark sigh on the other side of the receiver - even over the sounds that occupied his side of the call.

“Y/n, I know, I’m sorry. I thought you meant later. I didn’t know you needed the help right now.” You wanted to ask him to come over now; to drop whatever commitment he was already at and come be with you like he said he would, but the idea of stressing him more than the situation already is, you’re sure, left a twisted feeling in your stomach, and a metallic taste in your mouth. And, with yet another sigh - maybe the 40th one through out this entire, 6 minute call - you told him that it wasn’t a big deal and he could make it up to you later. You both mumbled your I love you’s before he hung up first - leaving you in complete silence.

Your heart burned at the thought of yet another conversation passed where you refused to let out the feelings that were too overgrown for the space of your chest. There was so much you wanted to say to Mark; so much that you wished he knew. Usually, you wouldn’t hesitate to tell him how you feel - but lately the conversations seemed strained and overworked, and you had reserved yourself to the insecure thoughts that maybe Mark didn’t want to hear how you felt, and maybe it was best for your relationship if you kept them in.

You spaced out your gaze as you looked around your almost empty dorm room. It was the end of your junior year of college, and you and Mark were supposed to be packing up your room. Mark, however, forgot about it and chose to instead spend his time hanging out with his frat brothers (like he always did).

No. You slapped the side of your head and shook it back and forth while trying to get rid of the jealous thoughts. It’s okay. It’s not that deep. You’re fine.

To distract yourself, you shot Yeji a text to come help you with your room. At this, your thoughts wandered back to that late night in the school library, and your frown deepened.

You’re fine. We’re fine.

“Now I'm standing alone In a crowded room And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know Is it killing you like it's killing me yeah I don't know what to say since the twist of fate When it all broke down and the story of us Looks a lot like a tragedy now”

The music blasting through the speakers of the party was giving you nothing short of a migraine, and the unknown, red alcohol in your cup was doing nothing to soothe it. In your defense, it’s not like you wanted to be here. You would have preferred to be back in your new apartment, unpacking your boxes with a romcom playing, a candle burning, and your new cat, Ivy, cuddled up on the couch. Yet, when Yeji all but bullied you through text to come to the first party of your last year of college, you didn’t have much of a choice other than to attend. You hoped that maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as your mind was playing it up to be, this thought being reinforced by your best friend. The minute you walked through the doors of the quite familiar frat house, however, you instantly regretted ever showing your face in these hallowed halls.

You knew almost everyone in this room, yet also felt like you knew no one. Lately, that was a pretty normal feeling for you. You had spent the majority of your college experience being friends with the people that partied all around you; getting to know them at events not so different than this one. Yet, you - ever the shy one - wouldn’t have even known them, if it weren’t for a certain person that occupied the majority of your thoughts. The very same person standing across the room from you, playing beer pong with his fellow frat members.

This summer had not been kind to you.

Your uncertainties about your relationship with Mark bled into the summer heat, and were reinforced by the distance you two shared. Calls became far too in between, and texts were sporadic and short; usually just quick check-ins and awkward hellos and goodbyes.

Those were all okay for you. Well, they weren’t okay, but they were better than nothing; better than not having him.

The climax of the summer, however, came mid July, when you called and he did not answer. This wasn’t a new thing, so you left it. Yet when you called him a second, third, and fourth time (in the span of 24 hours) and he never answered, never texted you, never even acknowledged you, you knew something was wrong. You didn’t want to be the annoying one in the relationship (always so insecure), so you left it once more.

For a week.

A week had gone by without so much as a two letter word between each other. Deep in your heart, you knew the relationship was over at that point. But how could one admit that they had lost the love of their life so easily? So finally, after three weeks of no contact, you texted him a four letter message that hopefully explained everything you felt.

So this is it?

Mark responded.

I think so.

That summer was recorded as one of the hottest since 1946, but you never noticed. Your tears kept you cold.

“See me nervously pulling at my clothes And trying to look busy And you're doing your best to avoid me I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us How I was losing my mind when I saw you here But you held your pride like you should have held me”

If you could cross the room and pull Mark into your hold and hug and kiss him like you two never even broke up, you would do it at as fast as the speed of sound. But Mark didn’t want you anymore, he made that clear. He was laughing at something Haechan said, and he looked beautiful; you felt idiotic for staring. You prayed he - or anyone else, for that matter - didn’t notice you there, but after shooting a text to Yeji that you were leaving, and looking back up at him for the last time, you were surprised to see that he was already looking at you. His eyes were rounded larger than usual, and even from your corner across the room, you could see the shock in them at your presence.

Time stopped as you two stared at each other, before you finally let out a small cough and looked down at your shirt to “fix” it, while Mark quickly looked anywhere but you. Satisfied with whatever you were trying to do with your clothes, you looked at Mark’s awkward figure one last time through your eyelashes, before turning and walking out of the party. When Mark looked back to where he last saw you, you weren’t there anymore, and his heart became hyperaware of the ever present twinge of pain that seemed to constantly be there, whether he numbed it out or not.

To be clear, Mark isn’t too sure why he broke up with you. While he still was deeply in love with you, you and him didn’t seem to be on the same page anymore, and that was enough reason for him to leave you. He wished he could hold you, hug you, love you like he used to. But every time you came to his head, the cringe at the way you two ended things quickly followed, and he’s too embarrassed to even think about talking to you again.

With a sigh, Mark turned back to his friends, and spent the rest of the night trying to drink away the memory of your face across the room.

“The battle's in your hands now But I would lay my armor down If you'd say you'd rather love than fight”

The insistent knocking on your apartments door at 3am scared more than annoyed you, and you couldn’t help yourself from grabbing the bat next to your bed before slowly making your way towards the door. You had 911 on speed dial in one hand and your bat in the other. It was moments like this that made you especially miss Mark, because lord knows you couldn’t fight back if someone tried to break in (not like you wouldn’t try).

Trying to distract yourself from the fear, you thought back to the party a month earlier, and your terrified thoughts had you thinking ‘if this is how I die, I’m going to regret never talking to Mark again’ as you arrived at your door.

You slowly lifted yourself to your peep hole, and let out a gasp at who you saw on the other side. You quickly placed your bat on the ground and your phone on the counter by your door, and opened the door wide.

“Mar-“ you didn’t get far before Mark took one huge step towards you, cupped your cheeks with his hands, and smashed his lips onto yours. You both stumbled into your home before mark pushed the door closed and spun you both, slightly pushing you against the door. After about 45 seconds of intense making out, Mark broke away and placed his forehead on your own.

“Hi,” you giggled out, to which Mark laughed himself.

“Hi.”

66 notes · View notes

seb-owns-these-tatas · 5 years

Text

Chapter 6 (Winter’s Gem) (Bucky Barnes AU)

CHAPTER 5

Characters: Bucky Barnes x You (AU)

Summary: Bucky Barnes has been scouted by your boss in Felicity Night, you were just a mere young, cleaner in Felicity night and have been living in the basement of the club for all your life. He's the most wanted Gigolo in the city, and taking him away from eager, thirsty women seemed to be impossible especially if he chose to be a Gigolo as his way of living.

Warning: Profanities. Detailed making out. Inappropriate words. ONE THIRSTY PROTAGONIST IN THE HOUSE. You'll thank me later! *wink wink nudge nudge*

Words: 3,500 words.

A/N: This chapter is long again! Hehehehe! REBLOG, LIKE AND COMMENT AS YOU READ! GO CRAZY!

Disclaimer: PNG's and pictures aren't mine. However, the whole series, one shots and edits are from moi.

Taglists: @damnbuckyishot @yn-the-reader @iwillmakeyoucraveme @willpoch12 @anxiousamandapanda

As you began to walk away from your friend, and his patriotic best friend Steve Rogers. Bucky was patient enough to walk you towards the hall. His metal hand grasping tight on your waist with your heart fluttering every once in a while as you stared up at his breathtaking, side profile.

"You're undeniably beautifuuuuuul," You muttered prolonging the 'u' with a tiny pout included. Your eyes glimmering from the beauty who stood beside you. Bucky had no difficulty in carrying your drunk self up in his room, and you were entirely thanking your drunk self that you were intoxicated because this was the first time that you'll be sneaking in a peep to see Bucky's room.

That is if you're only having a peep.

Your compliment caught his attention, making him glance down at you who kept looking at him like how you stare down at your food, completely hypnotized. He smiled a precious one, staring at your lips. "Not as beautiful as you, Y/N."

"I plan to disappoint, Booki."

He scoffed, shaking his head. "Hop, hop baby." Bucky muttered, his fingers clasping tighter when your foot got caught on one of the stairs leading the way towards his private room. You could only giggle, arm tightening around Bucky's neck in which he didn't mind at all. He was already basically carrying you way up, and you've wanted nothing more than to roll your eyes at him and tell that he should've carried you bridal style instead.

He just made himself suffer.

You blew air on his ear, making him go. "What the hell? Y/N.." Sounding irritated by how you blew on his ear, though the stunned irritation instantly faded from the moment he saw you pouting, eyes seeming to be a little watery from the intoxication, and cheeks slightly blushing. "Please don't hurt me," He stopped his steps, dragging you from his halt. Immediately staring down at you, his breathtaking, Steele blue eyes memorizing each and every part of your face that he didn't want to forget.

He repeatedly prayed to the heavens for that. Every damn day.

"I was just trying to be sweet," You quickly responded, scared that he would hate you too just like how your mother does and basically how other people sees you. A complete utter eyesore. Pain began seering your heart once the memories came crushing down on you like a brick. Your mother. The only woman and family in your life who happens to do nothing but inject pain and frustration in your fucked up life. She was one of a kind. A horrible kind.

Bucky licked his lips that seemed to turn dry when he realized how you took his response, interpretting it very differently. Totally a miscommunication especially when you're drunk and emotional. "Everything's new to me, everything's brand new. I know I'm starting to not make sense but," You paused, swallowing the saliva choking up your throat. "I know I'm one crazy, hopeless, lonely bitch. I'm giving you a heads up and one final chance for you to run the hills because you're in a relationship with an ugly janitress,"

Bucky looked at you incredulously, your words coming at him like a missile. He couldn't believe how low your self-esteem were. Totally opposite to what he sees from his perspective. You were basically the medicine to his sickness. No pun intended. He licked his lips, his mind completely elsewhere, finding the right words on how to respond to your rant.

His powdery steel blue eyes was set on you, adoring that certain glint in your eyes that made him want to keep you on his side at all costs, and dang was he whipped without him knowing. "Doll, you're not a bitch," Bucky muttered, lifting a hand to brush his thumb on your cheekbone like a person touching roses, "and I definitely won't run the hills because I'm dating a one of a kind janitress," He emphasized, his thumb tenderly caressing your face that made you feel electricity coursing through your face.

You instinctively took his hand that was affectionately holding your cheek, and your heart skipped a beat when he leaned in to press a kiss on your slightly pimpled forehead. One of your insecurities besides the fact that you had a high hairline. "Now, let's erase those horrid thoughts of yours, alright Sugar?" Your amazing boyfriend whispered in your ear before tugging you with him as you padded through the stairs, continuing your journey.

"Buckyyyyy," you slurred, drowsily blinking as you were watching your own foot step up the last stair. The world was spinning around you, just like a kaleidoscope world but with Bucky in it and it wasn't entirely horrible. Your gorgeously insane boyfriend hummed a reply, waiting for your response as his hands tightened around your waist, dragging you off and turning another hallway to get to your destination.

"Ppo-Ppo?" your words entertained him. He heard that as 'po-po' and thought you were planning on calling security for practically kidnapping you and planning to let you sleep in his headquarters. Simply to say, his room. "What?" he snickered, lowly cackling from your drunken slurs. "You seriously want to call the police on me, Doll?"

You shook your head hard in disagreement.

Bucky's brows were left in a curious twist that made him pucker his lips in thought, suddenly stopping in your tracks. "Then what, Doll? What do you want?" he cooed, the ends of his tone sounding so tender, so sweet that it could make ants bite you for being so lucky in having him. Despite of his occupation inside the club you were working on, Felicity night.

He had your chin in between his index finger and thumb, gently lifting your head till your droopy eyes met his pale-blue ones that could make your toes curl in enthusiasm. Bucky hummed another soft reply, patiently waiting for your next words. "Kiss me?" you boldly puckered your lips out, tightly closing your eyes as you waited for him to just give you the peck you wanted.

Barnes was left gobsmacked. Staring at your pouted lips angled before him. The more longer he gets to be with you, the more so you surprise him with your characteristics and personality. He couldn't help himself but giggle and chuckle, never hesitating to lean down and give you a loud peck as he puckered his lips back, brushing his dewy, Crimson lips with yours. A satisfying smooch sound leaving his lips once he broke the peck.

"Is that good now?" the latter bluntly asked with a smirk.

You nodded repeatedly, satisfied with the reserved kiss he had just given, giggling in the process of your drunken slurs. "For now, my prince. This frog hasn't turned into a princess yet. Your kiss sucked," emphasis ended on your words.

James couldn't help but raise a brow at that, his smile never ceasing to drop whenever you were in his arms. "You'll get more kisses back in my room," he rasped, the pitch in his voice dropping an octave lower. Sounding utterly sexy for your panties to take.

The loud music faltered and faded as you took the last turn towards his room. Illuminated hallway. Red carpeted floor and dove white painted walls. The floor seemed too familiar for you, thus having a glimpse of a huge double door sat beside Bucky's room distracted your drunken stupor.

It was the boss' room.

Hence, why does your Bucky get to have the same floor as hers? Unlike the others who had their rooms on the second and yours which was unluckily down on the basement, living with the rats and mythical ghosts.

She scrambled onto her feet, giving the big boss' room a double take to verify the images appearing before her if it was true. The gentle, constant pull of her hips from the bewitching metal-armed man who kept on tugging your annoying self towards the the room he unfortunately owned and was given by the person whom must not be named in Winter's point of view.

Straight-grained, reddish brown timber of three tropical hardwood species came into view, your eyes were dreary, pie-eyed prior to your inebriation and also maybe because of a certain gorgeous, handsome motherfucker who managed to keep your mind in a daze despite of how he was doing such simple actions that could get you beguiled.

Bucky inserted the key he had been fumbling around his grey sweatpants; an accustomed measure in which he has been used to back when he was in Maximum Risk. Keeping his sanctuary safe from people whom you cannot trust is just around the corner, especially when he had that particular kind of job where people had the feeling of revenge in the palm of their hands.

He was still aware of people, ever had been since he was a child.

Basically, his mother selling him to different kinds of people when he was an obedient juvenile couldn't tape the trust back together like it was nothing.

To James Buchanan Barnes, trusting people is the least of his worries because he never does. Until you and Steve came along.

He never trusted the hearts of his customers, now that people around him were actually Judas in disguise. His whole life was pure complications and utter betrayals, and when you came along, he could finally see a light deep down the ground he was deeply submerged in. Even just a tiny light that could give him a hope that his life will become better despite of his contingencies.

"How did I ever swayed you, Booki?" you slurred like drunkard, slowly fluttering your eyes close and hearing his bedroom door open. The undeniably well built man swiftly caught you in his arms again, carrying you off your feet as you entered a room which seemed to be too dark for your liking.

Or maybe the lights weren't just still on?

"Mr. Barnes, is this your new way of showing me your red room?" a low, raspy chuckle emerged from the latter's chest which got you whistling like a weak wolf. You felt the cold vinyl tiles brush the bottom of your feet, lately realizing that he had you trapped inside his bathroom when you decided that having your eyes opened was better than keeping them closed.

In which you should have chose to kept them closed as you were faced with a clean, half body mirror.

Expletive profanities came running out of your mouth as you've seen your intoxicated self on the mirror. The homely warmth that your man could give was nowhere to be found, and it was then and there you heard the running water coming from the faucet signaled you that he was doing something you couldn't decipher.

"Is this your new way of inviting me over with a shower session?" you've curiously queried with a naughty smile. It immediately fell because the reflection you were seeing was starting to disappoint you and it was disheartening you big time. Bucky had a fresh damp towel in his flesh hand, he gave you a once over and saw how your smile smell. His initial reaction was to quickly rise from how he squatted inside his shower, swatting his dark shower curtains away before shuffling to his feet.

He didn't want you dancing in your own nightmares. You needed to step away from it, you needed to avoid it so you wouldn't have to become like him.

"Hey doll," The latter softly whispered against your ear, hinting a small accent that could make your toes curl beneath you and so you did. He appeared behind you with a small touch of his fingers on the small of your back, suddenly making you shiver in your own mistake. "Didn't I tell you not to curse when I'm around?"

His dominating stance, and the way his raspy, velvet voice which exerts authority had your heart skipping a thirsty beat and especially down there too.

"But, sir...." An embarrassing purr rolled off the tips of your tongue. You were too intoxicated for your own good, and you'll probably curse the heavens as to why Stan makes the best Martinis in town. You couldn't deny his wonderful offer, especially when it was free and all. Plus, the old goober was smiling in front of you like a Cheshire cat, a plan set on the back of his head which was also sipping its own glass of Margarita.

The old geezer had wicked plans if you've managed to squint your eyes back at him a little longer.

"Jesus Christ," he sternly uttered with a sharp in take of his breath and before you know it, your man had you in his brawny arms, derriere pinned down on his bathroom sink with your legs hastily parting for the latter to slip in between them. The crisp, icy temperature of his metal fingers grasping your jaw, keeping your slanted lips where he wanted as he continued his libidinous ministrations with you. Bucky's flesh hand on your waist, feeling a cool, moist-like cloth perched on your side and it was the towel he was ought to clean your face with.

His voluptuous Crimson red lips that had been in a constant fight of being bitten attacked your unpleasant, chapped lips. A bolt from the blue kept your mind stupefied because as much as you remembered, you were just loathing your very own reflection, yet now you were locking lips with your unofficial boyfriend.

Not that you were complaining because you've had this planned out inside your innocent mind already.

"You need," Bite. "to stop," Nibble. "swearing and," Kiss. "calling me sir," a secretive low moan which caught your ear as you nibbled his bottom lip back, "at the same time,"

Your drunken self couldn't help but feel the day-to-day itch forming in between your legs. It has been a-run-of-the-mill because of your restricted relationship with the highly requested Gigolo in east coast, the sudden impulse when he was around had been bugging you since day 1.

She had Bucky's face in between the palms of her hands, the growing five o-clock shadow tickling the sensitive tips of her fingers as she deepen her kisses. He was giving her the same intensity and probably a lot more than he intended to. There was a soft, involuntary moan which erupted out of you as you felt his probing tongue touch the tips of yours, igniting out a hitch of your breath when you sensed your fingers having its own mind of proceeding towards a place in which you've opted to fondle with.

"Yes," the latter breathlessly huffed in between kisses, feeling your soothing digits tenderly skim beneath his prominent, newly-clean shaven navel in a way that could get his crotch celebrating inside his pantaloons. You continued kissing him with the same ferocity, fondling over the waistband of his sweatpants before you felt cold, metal like fingers tightly grip your wrist to an unsatisfying halt. "N-No, no, not yet," he exasperated with a grump.

"Fuck," The thwarting gigolo muttered a few vulgar swearwords beneath his heaving breaths. You bit your lip with knotted eyebrows, a tight feeling in your chest which you so wanted to scream out loud because of your frustration as well. Didn't he want to continue because you were..you? Or--?

"You seriously leaving me frustrated like this, Booki?"

"Yes--," he automatically responded as he groaned to himself, his metal fingers brushing his tight locks in a disheveling manner. "I mean no! No, Yes?" he asked more so to himself, pulling a step back away from you like you were a fire to his destructive bomb.

The latter had been moving nonstop and it even got to the point of exerting his own push-ups in the middle of his bathroom; white shirt off as he threw it towards you in which you successfully caught in your hands. Bucky's body was built by Michaelangelo himself, he was sculpted to ruin you and probably also the hearts of his customers. Winter was sculpted by the heavens because of the beefy-ness he aspire to feed all the hungry lasses to which could include you in it. You admired the way his body works, how his bionic arm met his flesh body. In fact, it was amazing, though quite depressing because of what backstory it holds.

A backstory that you promise to yourself that you'll know.

He stopped mid-air while executing another set of push-ups, "I can help you--??" you gestured back at him as his Steele blue eyes stared at you with peculiarity before gazing down at your gesticulating hands that formed an 'O'; located in the middle part of you as you shifted it in a up and down manner. James Buchanan Barnes had no words to say at all, especially when you started to motion that certain hand of yours in the fore part of your opened mouth in a push and pull motion, "Or this could suffice? Will a blowjob suffice?" you garbled and continued to show him what you wanted to help him with.

It was as if his body weakened before him once he saw and understood what you meant. Winter didn't know what to do because he so wanted it to happen, he wanted it. Well, every man would. If you were just one of his clients, he would let that happen but it was you right now. You were the one asking for it, and those words coming from your lips seem to sound all too different.

Because James Buchanan Barnes had his heart involved in this one.

You weren't just one of his clients, you were more than that and he was sure of it. Steven Grant Rogers was even sure of it either.

Y/N was a person who was important him, she was as pure as a driven snow just by showing her his doting eyes whenever she sees him holding a bag full of food or those times whether she was being needy and just wanted to share her break time with him.

Though, today was an exception because he didn't expected her to become this much of a wild cat when drunk and Bucky Barnes damn knew well he wasn't complaining.

He so wanted that blowjob from his girl, and waiting for the right time was hurting his crotch and gentlemanly self.

"Or I could just help Steve instead?" you pondered more to yourself when you realized he wouldn't much take up the offer, he fell to the ground, mid air and face planked on the Vinyl tiles of his bathroom. You swayed your feet from above the sink, thoroughly guiltless with doe-like eyes when you saw him cursing the heavens for such a severe punishment for his sins.

"Well, It's not like Steve and I haven't actually done it?"

Hence, it was then and there that James Buchanan Barnes whom goes by the code name 'winter' and is also the highly requested gigolo of Felicity Night, in addition; a best friend of a very patriotic gigolo who could harm nobody started cursing Steven Grant Rogers for lying in front of his face.

What a best friend indeed, he was.

FEEDBACKS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED, TATER TOTS! Please leave feedbacks if you’re loving this fanfic of mine! Follow my blog to see more of my works and we shall fangirl/fanboy about SEBASTIAN STAN!

14 notes · View notes

nicostolemybones · 5 years

Text

Kissing You Feels Like Home

When Will had finally gotten a boyfriend, he was mildly amused to figure out that having a boyfriend was synonymous with having a cat. They barge into your office without permission, leave hair all over your favourite hoodies, sleep all day, cause havoc at night, eat all your food, cuddle you when you’re busy, knock stuff off the table, and try to bite if you touch them when they aren’t feeling cuddly. Will was attempting to decipher his messy doctor’s scrawl on a patient’s notes when a loud clatter drew his attention away. He turned around to find Nico di Angelo had pushed his desk tidy and all his pens off the table, and was slowly pushing Will’s notebooks towards the edge. Will sighed in defeat, picking up all of his pens and replacing them on the desk. Nico seemed rather smug, grinning when Will stepped closer, resting his hands either side of the desk where Nico was sitting. “You’re like a cat, di Angelo,” Will stated, to which Nico shrugged and leaned forwards, capturing Will’s lips in a slow and intoxicating kiss. Will groaned softly, resting his forehead against Nico’s. “You’re gonna be the death of me, Death Boy.”

“Then stop working and kiss me before you die, then,” Nico replied, pulling Will closer by his collar. Will figured he’d have to be completely riddled with brain parasites to refuse- kissing Nico was his favourite thing to do. Will tangled a hand in Nico’s hair, twirling the soft curls at the nape of his neck around his fingers, glad to be rewarded with an involuntary shiver from his cat-like boyfriend, and leaned in to capture Nico’s bottom lip between his own. Will was a gentle kisser, but Nico always kissed like he had everything to lose, hard and desperate and full of emotion. Will liked to let Nico take the lead when kissing, because every kiss felt like the world was on fire and Will was all that mattered. It felt like Nico was pouring every unspoken ‘I love you’ into the way he kissed, like he was letting Will know that he felt so strongly for him that he didn’t know how to put it in words, and Will knew that he was Nico’s freedom, his greatest act of rebellion and bravery, the one person Nico could not stand to lose, the one person Nico felt comfortable enough with to allow himself to indulge in his own desires and needs. Will could always feel the fear in Nico’s kisses from the slight trembling that overwhelmed the first few kisses, the fear of judgment, of murder, of pink triangles, and Will could always feel the defiance take over, he could always feel Nico relax and melt into the kisses, rebelling against every last word he’d ever heard to put him down, to shame him into the closet, rebelling against the values he was raised with and choosing Will to be the person to share his pride with.

So Will always kissed Nico tenderly, responding to Nico’s rough kisses with pliant and soft reciprocation, trying to convey that he would always keep Nico safe, that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he loved this boy with every last fibre of his being, that Nico was his safe space and he’d be Nico’s, that he’d stand proudly by him through all the hatred in the world, that he’d fight by his side and he’d love him with all of his soul. He kissed him tenderly because Nico deserved the most reverend care, the gentlest of touches and the kindest of gestures, because Nico was the very air Will breathed, because Nico didn’t remember how it felt to be treated with gentle care and affection, and Will needed him to know that he deserved love, comfort, care, passion, love. He needed Nico to know that Will would be there for him if he broke, that he could let his guard down and Will would treat him gently. Will’s kisses promised Nico that he would care for him for as long as they were together, that although he couldn’t fix Nico or make the pain go away, he’d be right by his side to support him through the darkness, to make him smile when times were bleak.

Breaking apart from a kiss was always something out of necessity for oxygen, dizzy and giddy with affection and passion. Nico’s face was flushed puce, his pupils wide, big black windows into his soul, his glass brown irises like marital bands, flecks of gold and amber and khaki and red and sand catching the light and hypnotising Will. Nico’s lips were swollen and plump, pink tinged with red, perfectly wet and pouty, and Will couldn’t resist kissing the boy again, cupping his cheek in his hand and licking at the seam of Nico’s mouth, taking his bottom lip gently between his bottom teeth and tugging gently as Nico’s lips parted. Will pushed against Nico’s tongue with his own, whining pathetically when Nico sucked gently on his tongue, pulling him deeper into the kiss with his own. The kiss made Will forget whatever he’d been working on, what time it was, what day it was, because gods, the kiss consumed all of his senses, sending warm tingles like pins and needles through Will’s body, his pulse pounding like a drum beat, blood rushing through his ears and blood pulsing through his lips, where Will could feel his pulse synchronise with Nico’s, clouding his mind, lost in all things Nico.

Above all else, Will loved the inherent innocence of every kiss, because every kiss was an act of love, of care. Every kiss was affection, pure comfort. Every kiss was their way of saying that they felt so strongly for the other that they couldn’t quantify it in words, it was their way of showing that the other was their everything, their world. Will knew that Nico thought he’d be going back to Tartarus for loving Will, but how could such a tender, gentle act be a sin? There was no greater innocence, no greater act of love, no greater act of rebellion against hatred, than the tender or passionate kisses they shared. And more than that, Nico was willing to risk Tartarus for one more kiss with Will every time, Nico would kiss Will like he’d never see him again every time because Nico was used to losing everything, and Nico believed he was hellbound, but he could never bring himself to believe that Will could ever go to Tartarus, because Will was his Elysium, his lover in sunlight.

Will kissed Nico carefully, gently, lovingly, hoping that Nico would one day break free from the indoctrination and conditioning he’d grown up with, that one day he wouldn’t be ashamed of himself, that one day he’d realise that to Will, he was an angel, a gift from the gods. Nico was his gift, presenting himself for Will to unwrap and use, trusting Will with his heart, trusting Will to never abuse that trust. Kissing Will was Nico trusting Will despite all the times he’d been let down or abandoned. It was Nico allowing himself to be vulnerable, and Will treated Nico like he was rarer than any treasure, because he was. Will worshipped the very ground Nico walked on, the very air that he breathed. Nico was more sacred to him than any god could ever hope to be, Nico was his greatest innocence, his greatest treasure, his greatest love. Nico was the only thing Will would die for happily. Will would give the world to spend just one more second with Nico, again and again, he’d happily give up all of his friends, his commodities, his home, his shelter. But Nico never asked him to, and never would. Will would give up the world, his family, his life, all in Nico’s name. But Nico would never ask him to give up anything that made him happy. Nico encouraged Will to make plans with his friends, trusted him completely.

Of course, there had been the time Nico had caught Will staring at Paolo, but it wasn’t Nico’s jealousy that drove him to point it out, because Nico knew that Will wasn’t staring at Paolo because he liked him, but because Will’s greatest insecurity was his healing. Will really was just assessing how well Paolo’s arms were functioning. Will was fifteen, and single handedly performing complex surgeries that took sixteen professionals hours to complete, with no qualifications and without the proper equipment. It has been a misunderstanding, a miscommunication in a relatively new and immature relationship- it happens, and besides, a little jealousy is normal, healthy. No relationship was perfect, so they talked, and they worked through the difficulties at every step, corrected and never repeated their mistakes. They had a healthy relationship, because it was built on communication and trust. They could go for hours or days just enjoying each other’s company, no kisses, sometimes no talking, just doing their own thing. They trusted each other, encouraged each other to spend time with their friends- there were no obsessive texts, only the occasional worried text if plans went over time. Whilst Will would always be jealous of Percy, he trusted Nico completely. He knew that Nico would never cheat, and Nico knew Will would never cheat- they had a secure and stable relationship. Will smiled when he saw Nico talking comfortably with Percy, on days where Nico was more affectionate with Jason than with Will, because they had trust. Will was not competing with Nico’s friends. Nico was not competing with Will’s friends. Relationships did not require you to sacrifice and compromise on your happiness. Yes, a relationship was hard work, but a healthy relationship is happy no matter what bumps in the road you encounter. And they made each other happy.

Nico finally pulled away from the kiss, somewhat reluctant, and gently kissed the tip of Will’s nose, sliding off his desk. “I have to teach a sword fighting class with Percy,” he said, tangling his fingers with Will’s and bringing his knuckles up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss there.

“Have fun,” Will replied sincerely, “I’ve got to get back to work, see you at lunch?”

“My father wishes to see me later, I won’t be back until tomorrow morning,” Nico replied quietly, “and then I’m spending time with my friends. But I’ll see you at the campfire tomorrow, then we can spend more time together the next day, okay?”

“Of course,” Will said with a soft smile, “just pop into the infirmary to check in and let me know you’re okay until then?”

“I’ll try,” Nico replied, and Will gave him one last tender kiss.

“I love you, Neeks,” Will said softly.

“Te amo, tesoro,” Nico replied, leaning in for just one more kiss. Will’s eyelids fluttered closed at the gentle pressure, which faded slowly. When Will opened his eyes, he was stood alone. He couldn’t help the grin that found its way onto his face. He figured he’d just have to marry that boy one day.

@solangeloweek Day 1 of Will Solace Birthday Week: romantic relationship

119 notes · View notes

saizoswifey · 6 years

Note

Helloooo. I'm not even sure if you're taking requests at the moment but if you are can I ask for some smutty headcanons for our loveable and slightly scary Nobuyuki? Or Ieyasu? Or maybe both? hehehe 🙈♥

The thirst for this soft Yandere is real! And I love it so much! Alright, my friends! Here we go, thank you for the requests and sorry it has taken me a while to get to this one~

Just warning this is…the longest one yet lol.

{Nobuyuki} {N//SFW HCs}

The first time you have sex, the entire scenario had been manipulated and crafted and designed by Nobuyuki himself, with you none the wiser.

When he felt you were ready, cleverly, he began to pull away from you. He began to work later into the evenings, he would be curt in the halls as you passed each other, and he no longer touched you or held you when you lay together in bed. All while knowing this would drive you to concern over his affections for you, and lead you to miss the comfort of his touch.

He wanted to drive you to be the one to reveal your desire to have sex and beg him to take the next step

When you finally brought it up, and the fact that you were worried he might have had a change of heart about you and didn’t desire you in the same way you desired him, he feigned shock and heartache.

“It would seem I’ve been rather neglectful of you and your feelings. And in turn, given you the impression I did not desire more intimate relations with you when that is quite the opposite…I’m ashamed, can you ever forgive me?”

And of course, after making up he’ll be ever the gentleman, feigning hesitancy and asking if you are quite sure you are ready to know him in that way. And after your miscommunication, you will be eager to assure him of your ready-ness.

Sex with Nobuyuki started off as nothing super fancy or intense. He didn’t want to scare you off, and thought it better to ease you into it.

Lots of slow, deep kisses, his hands caressing you gently between your legs. Exploring all the ways to make you wet. He’s careful and calculated, applying varying pressure and watching how you respond. Finally dipping a finger inside of you and reminding you with a calm soft voice that you have nothing to worry about, just relax your body and let him take care of you.

Despite the desire to come inside of you, he holds off for a while for your sake. He wants to get you pregnant but not enough to do it before you’re settled in your lives together.

Until then, he does find it pleasant to pull out and finish himself on your thighs or ass or down your throat.

He’ll “accidentally” come on your face or tits other times

“Oops. How dreadful of me…hold still, dear one,” with his thumb he wipes at the thick white come splattered across your nose and cheek and lashes, but there’s a dangerous glint in his eyes as he looks down at you. And in the middle of cleaning you up, his hands stop to grip your face in place so he can kiss you deeply, forcing his tongue deep into your mouth with a fierce hunger. “Mmn, however, I must confess seeing your usually sweet and innocent face such a mess is…extremely erotic.”

Favorite sex position:

Gives him the best view of your breasts and pussy, easy access to caress your skin and stimulate your clit and he can see himself penetrating you

Sex gets kinkier and kinkier the longer you are together and the more he feels comfortable that you won’t be scared off

He’ll play between your legs for a moment and then push your thighs apart, sitting back from the bedding and asking if he can see you touch yourself.

“Please, I only wish to see what makes you feel good. If it makes you more comfortable, I’ll touch myself as well. Haha, don’t be shy.”

The first time he ate you out he had been simply kissing you while finger fucking you. His face trailed down your torso and he asked, while rubbing your clit, if he might be granted permission to taste you down there as well. His wet luscious lips and the way he sucked and lapped at your clit and folds had your consciousness bright white and floating out of your body. He was relentless and clearly enjoying himself, and the way you buried your fingers in his thick fluffy head of hair and pushed up into his face made him hum in delight.

“Do you like this? You’re so wet, and you’re making some incredible faces when I…suck…here…Mmn, your moan is rather sexy…as much as I’m enjoying teasing you like this, I don’t think I can hold back much longer”

Nobuyuki has a very high sex drive hidden behind a genial smile. He is CONSTANTLY watching you lustfully, he’s just extremely good at hiding it.

He can’t help but stare at your hips as you serve tea in the main hall and the way your hands wrap around the cups. The nape of your neck makes his mouth practically water. And he hasn’t been paying any mind to the words you’re speaking as you find him in the corridor, because he’s too busy watching your lips move and imagining them trailing down his torso in quiet moonlight before the tip of his cock presses through them to be enveloped by the warm wet of your tongue

Several times he has dropped something on purpose, just to be able to watch you bend over and pick it up.

“Accidentally” spills his tea on you while you’re serving him in his room.

“Dear oh dear, sometimes I don’t know how I manage to dress myself in the morning with these clumsy hands of mine. You’re not hurt, are you? Here, allow me to help.”

He’ll towel off your breasts with care, lift the layers of your kimono to expose your thighs.

“Pardon me, we must make sure you haven’t been burned, after all.”

He runs the cloth up your thighs higher and higher, kneading the plushness with his fingers and before you know it he’s removing your obi to get you out of those wet clothes so you don’t catch a cold. Trailing kisses over the injured flesh, murmuring of how you taste of tea now, until his luscious lips brush up against your pussy and his tongue draws up slowly to part your folds

Very instructive in bed. He enjoys telling you what to do, and how to do it. He is amazing at giving praise and encouraging you to endure whatever it is he’s doing to you.

He loves you on your knees in front of him. Where he can put his hands in your hair or cup your face and run a thumb along your cheek which is stretched by the tip of his cock as he thrusts into your mouth.

“Ahh…that’s good, darling. You’ve learned to take me so well in this mouth of yours But can you take me deeper?” he presses his cock farther into your throat, hips snapping more furiously. “Mmmn–yeahh, yeah use your tongue like that, I’m c-close. Keep sucking just like that. Drink it all up like a good girl.”

Extremely possessive and jealous. If he feels as though someone (Saizo, Yukimura etc) is stealing your affections and attention from him you best believe he’s fabricating some sort of task for you to do that will keep you busy in his room until he can sort it out. (By any means necessary). Meanwhile, he’ll be extra clingy and turbulent in the bedroom.

He regularly marks you during sex

On your breasts and hips and thighs, he’ll latch his lips and suck and lap at the bruises he creates with delight

But he does so in visible places when he is feeling insecure. He’ll leave a scattering of red petals across your neck and chest and then send you out the next day on errands in town or to do your daily chores in the castle. He doesn’t care who sees

“Are you alright? Your neck…” Yukimura asks you at breakfast

“Haha,” Nobuyuki chuckles, pretending to be a bit shy, “It’s alright, Yukimura. I must have gotten carried away last night, that’s all”

LOVES to whisper the naughtiest raunchiest shit in your ear in public and smile, walking away as if he did nothing at all. He’ll pull you aside in the middle of your dusting or delivering letters and speak in a soft low voice meant only for your ears

“Don’t work too hard, today. You look especially beautiful with your hair done up with the pin I bought for you, and I’ve been thinking of pulling it back in my hands and running my tongue down that intoxicating chin and neck of yours since breakfast. Would you like that, dear one? Are you getting wet at the thought of me pressing you into the floor, ripping this beautiful fabric from your body and stuffing it in your mouth as I have my way with you? Hmm, you are, aren’t you… I can see in your eyes you’re begging for it. How did I end up with such a naughty woman for a wife? Oh, don’t fret…as soon as dinner is over I’m going to fill every inch of you and fuck you until you pass out in my arms.”

Nobuyuki definitely been gifted, much to his dismay, goods such as erotic books and lubes and oils and libido driving teas and potions and ROPES that won’t leave marks from Saizo. Yukimura is always curious to see what Saizo has given Nobuyuki for his birthdays and as your wedding/anniversary presents WHY WON’T ANYONE SHOW HIM WHAT WAS IN THE BOXES (Yukkins bls you DONT wanna know)

Not that he doesn’t use some of it….of course

You never have to worry about someone walking in on you both fucking, Jinpachi is ever vigilant and no one has caught wind of what goes on behind closed doors aside from Saizo occasionally walking by the bedroom and offering to “help by looking over sick MC and administering medicine” though he knows she isn’t sick she’s just fucked out of her mind

When you’re both ready to try for kids, be prepared for Nobuyuki to fuck you several times a day/night.

It’s rare for him to go a single round. It’s his duty as a man and future leader of Sanada to produce an heir, after all

The fact that it turns him on is just a bonus

Nothing makes him shiver quite as much as the feeling of spilling himself inside of your clenching walls. He likes to hold your hand sometimes when he comes in you, kiss you deeply and grunt into your mouth as he fills you with come.

He’ll flip you over and raise your ass into the air in an effort to keep his come inside of you until he’s ready to fuck you again, kiss down your back and pull out so he can see for himself the milky white semen.

“Stay just like that, my lovely, strong, and beautiful wife. Feel what I’ve left inside of you. Ah…what’s this? Hm. That’s not good…You’ve spilled some, can you feel it dripping down your thigh? Haha,” Nobuyuki swipes at your thigh with his hand, bringing the wetness up to stroke your sensitive pussy, making you shake. His voice is soft and full of love, despite his scolding, and before you know it the tip of his cock is once again pressed to enter you. “Don’t worry, darling. You’re doing wonderfully. I’m already on the verge of filling you up again…I have no doubt you’ll be with child soon,” he pushes inside you with a sharp thrust.

Doesn’t mind playing with you in inappropriate places or pulling you aside to fuck you in the middle of your chores.

Dusting the corridor right before dinner prep? A hand will pop out from a dark unused room to cover your mouth and muffle your screams while lips kiss a frenzy on your neck and cheeks. Dragging you inside. His familiar scent followed by that low honeyed voice telling you to remain calm will give Nobuyuki’s identity away, and keep you from panicking when you feel his large hand slip inside your collar to grope your breast and tweak your nipples. His hard length pressing against you from behind.

“Shh, don’t be frightened, dear one. It’s just me. However, I’m afraid you won’t be making it in time to start dinner preparations…”

He’s got EXTREMELY nimble fingers from years and years of sewing, and he can have you unravel as easily as a bolt of fine cloth at his touch without breaking the slightest sweat. It’s his go-to when he needs to recoup between rounds. He can get you off or bring you to the brink of orgasm and down again in moments with his fingers alone. He enjoys toying with you. Pressing in different spots fast and slow while sucking your breasts and relishing the way you writhe and moan for him

If it’s late in the evening and he’s been buried in paperwork only to finally realize its past dark and you are hard at work organizing letters but exhausted and lonely looking he’ll pull you into his lap and cradle you in his arms, running fingers through your hair. Before long his lips are at your neck and his hands have become to roam, stroking your sides and thighs and breasts.

“Nn-Nobuyuki…we shouldn’t…here,”

“Shh, quiet.”

He’ll slip one of his expensive writing brushes between your teeth. Bunching the fabric to urgently pull your hem up above your hips and expose you to his fingers and his hard cock pressing from underneath you

His favorite body parts on you would be your neck and thighs

If he had to choose between breasts and ass he would choose ass. He also prefers girls that are a bit thicker. He lives for the slapping sound as he pounds into you and it just feels good and healthy to have some soft plush cushion to grip in his hands

He loves hearing you moan for him but he likes to keep his sex acts entirely discreet. He would hate for people to hear you because not only does he want to keep everything about you for himself, he doesn’t want people to know his business. Ever. So expect to be gagged often with wads of soft cloth or his hand over your mouth to muffle your voice.

Nobuyuki’s biggest turn-ons are:

The back of his neck. He loves when you stroke there softly with your fingertips in between playing with his hair. Quickest way to get him to shiver and melt. If he’s working and you come up from behind to hug him and plant kisses there, be prepared to get yanked underneath him in a millisecond.

The little things you do that show you genuinely care for him. Darning his clothes, working hard at his side, showing a genuine interest in the Sanada and his work. He loooves to see you fitting in at the castle and smiling and having fun joking with Yukimura and the others.

You, pregnant

Whispering in his ear when he is inside you. Tell him you love him. Tell him you want him to savor your body, that he can do anything he wishes to you. Say you belong to him, body and soul, and his jaw will clench with the effort to not come right then and there

Playing games with him in the bedroom. You are the esteemed Lord and Lady Sanada everywhere else, so its a huge turn on when he can come back to his chambers and really let loose with you. Be flirty and interesting. Tie yourself up and wait for him to come to bed and oh no, you’re a scared captive of the powerful Lord Sanada unable to escape from your restraints and helpless against whatever he might wish to do with you. Beg him to make you come but he’s not allowed to use his hands.

Have secrets. He’s someone who thrives on the secret and shady. He would adore having little secret sayings or signals you guys can share even if its in front of others that lets you both know you’re thinking of one another, such as a special way you wear your hair or a specific pin you use, to a phrase like “I heard the most magnificent birds this afternoon” which meant you were longing for the other yet you could say it even in the main hall as casual as can be and no one else would understand. Wake up one morning and tell him your mouth is his for the day, he owns it, and can call you for a kiss or anything he liked with your mouth at any moment that day.

He loves doting on you. Let him do it. Let him take care of you. He’s used to taking care of those he loves, and seeing as he feels sometimes it’s all he can do, it gives him great satisfaction. He loves you dearly and would move the earth for you were it possible. Let him drape you in fine colorful fabrics, let him wake up from a late night of sex and dress you himself. Wait for him wearing nothing but the fine jewels he’s recently purchased for you. Demand some exotic dessert or fruit and share it with him in bed, naked.

On that note, because of his tendency to take control of everything (and the pure enjoyment he gets out of power) he is a dom in the bedroom

Well-groomed down below. And everywhere else, he always smells pleasant and takes pride in caring for his looks.

A rather sizeable cock with a very slight upwards curve. He’s also got a really plump ass and his hip bones are hypnotic. You can basically convince him to say yes to anything while your lips are worshipping at the skin of his bare hips

He would never hurt you, but sometimes he gets so possessive and intense that it can be a bit scary. He ALWAYS has eyes (Jinpachi) on you If you go somewhere without telling him first (like to meet a new male grocer in town etc) and the guy has been hitting on you or Nobuyuki thinks you’ve been spending a suspicious amount of time with him, expect a hurricane of emotions to hit you like a ton of bricks

Usually, he can control himself, hide his anxiety under the mask of a smile or frown and ask you to please let him know where you are because he was quite worried

But other times. He’ll interrogate you, serious face but calm-voiced, what you were doing and why and where without informing him. If you knew how dangerous it was to be around some strange man who clearly has less than honorable intentions with his beloved. You’re confined to the room for the next few days, the other maids can handle your share of work for a short while. He’ll get up close to you, hold your face and look in your eyes

“You know I only do these things because I love you…don’t you? You’re the most precious thing in my life,” he pulls you close by your waist, ripping your obi from you with frightening speed and burying his face in your neck. “You’re mine…” he kisses a frenzy from your neck to your chest, where his hands are yanking at your collar to expose your breasts. “I’ll stop at nothing to keep you safe and here with me.”

And nothing can help whoever has caught the brunt of his anger when he’s in an unforgiving mood, or if they touched you or came on to you in any sort of forward way. He can, will, and has razed homes and businesses to send a message. And a single command to Jinpachi and they will disappear, and it would be no different to Nobuyuki than asking if breakfast was ready. Anyone who dare hurt or steal his dear one will be stepping into their own grave.

Jerks off a normal amount but less so since you two became intimate. He does have a few of your personal items he’s stolen (you thought you lost them) that he keeps hidden for himself. They smell like you or remind him of you and every now and then he’ll stroke himself with the item in his other hand. Or simply to the thought of you

Likes PDA and doesn’t have a problem with it, in the correct setting. He’ll gladly hold your hand walking through town, and he likes to pull you close and drape an arm around you for feasts where everyone is drinking and dancing and having fun. Plus, in Nobuyuki’s eyes its great fun to kiss you on the cheek or a quick one on the lips and watch his brother short circuit or fawn over what a lovely couple you both make

Has some mommy issues, and he’d never admit it, but it turns him on greatly when you take care of him when he is sick. Usually, when he is under the weather he just pushed through and pretended he was fine. He doesn’t like to show himself vulnerable or weak. Jinpachi would help him out if he was very very ill. But you’re so soft and kind and sweet, bringing him broth and porridge and spoon feeding him. Changing out his washcloths and sitting by his side. This feeling of comfort and warmth was something he thought he had lost long ago, and his heart was so full he was desperate to recover and spend what energy he had into ravishing you and giving back that love.

You’re not allowed to treat anyone else when they’re sick. Conveniently you always have some mountain of work to do and a team of maids is already taking care of the invalid.

On that motherly note, it really gets him going when he sees you with children or teaching chibi sasuke something new. It reminds him that he picked the right woman to be at his side, and it makes him all the more eager to get a family going with you

Has CRAZY floof sex hair. Like. Every single time even if its a quickie. Somehow the floof just poofs more and parts are going every which way, which embarrasses him greatly. But if it’s you there smiling and giggling and fixing it for him, well, that’s alright with him.

Really enjoys soft, happy, romantic sex. Waking up earlier than normal with you and the sun is shining brightly and its peaceful. The scent of spring flowers thick in the air and a few quick good morning kisses turn into deep slow makeout sessions. You both have bed head and a bit of sleep still heavy in your eyes but he thinks you’re beautiful, whispering such as he rolls on top of you, the tip of his cock entering you and the thrusting of his hips so sultry and drawn out that you can’t help but moan and cling to him

He’s talkative during sex, and usually only moans when he is close to coming. Its a deep and breathy drawn out moan, right from his chest

He is fantastic with aftercare. He likes to stay joined for some time after coming, and will advise you to stay still and relax so he can clean you up himself after he finally pulls out. With a soft cloth, he takes pleasure in looking you over as if you were a little doll and wiping you down carefully.

If you’ve been trying for a baby he’ll kiss your stomach then your lips and say an encouraging prayer that this time is the time. He’ll hold you from behind, clasping your hand in his, and talk about baby names and how Yukimura will be so annoyingly overjoyed to train if it’s a boy, and how beautiful they will be looking like their mother if it’s a girl, and how spoiled

Going to sleep still naked is very common because he likes to feel your warmth as much as he can and Jinpachi is always guarding the door.

Likes to hum while he holds you in his arms and puts you to sleep, it’s usually melodies his mother used to hum to him and its surprisingly relaxing to have your body exhausted from sex and then feel the vibration from his chest on your back and his warmth radiating through you and the sweet sound of his voice

Also gets incredibly open after sex. These are usually the times he reveals his true self and feelings, the things he keeps hidden almost always. He’ll talk to you about his mother sometimes, and his struggles to fit in his role. He also enjoys listening to you talk and unburden yourself on him

Loves to watch you sleep. It’s one of his greatest joys knowing that he alone is the one privileged enough to see you in such a vulnerable state. Leave everything to him, depending on how rough or how many rounds the night before, your schedule of work for the following day will be fixed accordingly.

#slbp #samurai love ballad party #slbp headcanons #slbp nobuyuki #nobuyuki sanada #lady-tokugawa-of-mikawa #Anonymous #n//sfw #my writing

245 notes · View notes

kinkingbird-blog · 6 years

Text

“Old Wounds Heal Slowly” Polybomb

NAME: “Old Wounds Heal Slowly”

FANDOM: Shipgrumps

CHAPTER: Part 6 of a Series (Expand My Heart)

PAIRINGS: Egobang, background polybomb and egoflaptor

SUMMARY: A filled commission for @lygerzero14 . After six months together, Arin's relationship with Danny and Brian seems to be reaching new heights. As Arin watches Danny's relationship with Brian deepening, however, he realizes that his interactions with Danny are staying on the surface. Is it possible that Danny can only love one man - and that he's simply too afraid to tell Arin? Old paranoia rises to the surface - but Arin's pretty damn sure he can handle it alone this time, even though it's never worked before.

RATING: E.

WARNINGS: Miscommunication, paranoia, angst with a happy ending

WORD COUNT: 14,121

AO3 Cross Post: [x]

Commissions are open!!

Buy Me A Coffee, if you’d like~

It was absolutely incredible how six months could fly by in a blink. As Arin settled into his chair in the office, he leaned back, embracing the last few precious moments of procrastination before everyone else arrived – and allowing his mind to wander to the two men he was most eager to see.

As much as he loved them both, Danny floated in front of his mind’s eye first, smiling and laughing and vivaciously beautiful, and Arin let his lids fall shut with a smile. Six months. After the amount of time he’d spent waiting on him, it felt like no time at all – yet here they were. Next weekend would be their sixth month together in a relationship, and he couldn’t wait to celebrate.

It would have to be a surprise, of course, and nothing too fancy; Danny would balk and run at anything that didn’t let him wear jeans or that stupid leotard. Dinner would do well...then maybe a movie they could riff over while pretending they weren’t eager as hell to make out instead. He could see it now: Danny would keep checking Arin out, and five minutes later Arin’s impatience would explode as he crawled in his boyfriend’s lap.

He could imagine Brian laughing at them both now – or not. Maybe that was real.

Arin peeked through one eye, and when he caught a glimpse of graying hair and a head full of curls he grinned, leaning forward to see them both. Just before they could pass by the doorway Danny grabbed Brian and pushed him up against the wall, then kissed him – quite bravely, Arin thought, given how long it took him to figure out he wanted either of them in the first place. But something was different about this one. After that searing kiss, Danny pulled back half an inch – and lightly bussed his nose over Brian’s. A nuzzle, like Arin might give Suzy.

Sappy. Romantic. Sweet.

Not for the first time, uncertainty spread through Arin’s belly.

Without even a glance in his direction, Danny took his ringing phone out of his pocket and answered it as he hurried away, and Arin watched him go. Eventually his eyes wandered to Brian. Brian leaned there a few seconds more, a blissful smile on his lips, and let out a deep sigh before he looked at Arin. As soon as their eyes locked he came to him, going around Arin’s desk so he could bury his fingers in his hair. Tingles shot down Arin’s spine. Brian guided him in for a lush, warm kiss – his tongue sliding straight into his mouth as he let out a low moan – and, more than anything, Arin wished that it was enough to chase away his feelings of insecurity.

Brian loved him. He knew that for sure. Brian touched and cuddled and made love to him with dizzying intent, and Arin felt his regard down deep in his marrow.

Danny, though…

“Sure we can’t take the day off, boss?” Brian drawled as he pressed kiss after kiss to Arin’s lips. “Just you...me...Danny...a bed...hell, let’s take the rest of the office, huh? Make it an office bonding orgy.”

“You’re fucking ridiculous.” Still, it did the job: Arin laughed. He squeezed Brian’s hand once before shoving at his chest. “Go, go on, the faster we get this done, the sooner you get to suck my dick.”

Brian simpered at him as he backed away. “Well, with promises like those, who even needs to pack a lunch?” He disappeared before Arin could throw a retort, leaving him blissful as he sank down into his chair.

Blissful...for all of five minutes. And then it was time to think again.

After the disaster that happened while Arin and Suzy were away on their anniversary trip – and how Danny had almost irreparably damaged his relationship with Brian – the two of them rebuilt immediately. No signs of weakness remained. Just two boyfriends drowning in each other. No one could look at them and doubt their love.

Yet Danny, it seemed, wanted to keep Arin at arm’s length even still. He couldn’t figure it out. What was it that made Arin’s relationship with Danny so different from Danny’s relationship with Brian? Was that what it took to get close to Danny – a disaster?

Arin tried to work through logic every time that he faced a problem, but moments like this brought him to a screeching halt. He’d think and think and think and find himself in a circle that he couldn’t get out of. People helped – Suzy, Brian, and oddly even Ross – but alone?

All he could think of now was how Danny had always been a one woman kind of man.

In every story Danny had ever told him, no matter how many girlfriends or lovers or one night stands he’d had, he’d never been a cheater, and he swore he never would. When he was with a girl, no matter if their relationship was for an hour or a year, he was loyal to her. Was that something ingrained in him? Monogamy? Arin fell in love with someone new every hour, but maybe he was the exception to humanity’s rule. Maybe the majority of people could only fall for one person at a time.

And maybe Danny hadn’t realized that yet. Maybe he didn’t know that the only person he was really able to be in love with was Brian.

Stop. Arin raked a hand through his hair with a huff. You’re a fucking idiot, Jesus Christ, will you listen to yourself? This is Danny you’re talking about.

Danny was sweet. He didn’t intentionally hurt people. He tried his hardest in everything he did. He wouldn’t just be waiting for the opportunity to break Arin’s heart.

He was trying. And Arin had to believe that. A relationship was built on trust, and he knew that more than anybody.

He stood up and snagged an agenda from his printer, going into the hallway. He’d lead everyone through what major tasks they had to get done before the end of the week. He’d do his job. And later he’d pull Danny aside and find a way to remind himself that their relationship was as strong as ever.

Danny sighed as he flopped onto the couch beside Arin, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Okay. How many videos are we recording today?”

“Like a million.” Arin tossed a controller at Danny’s stomach and laughed when he jumped. “Hope you drank your energy drink.”

“Gross.” He dropped his hand from his eyes and caught Arin’s gaze, then smiled. The microphones were constantly recording, yes, and they were more than a little careful about what they said in the studio for that very reason. They could never guarantee the editors wouldn’t make a mistake and leave something crucial in the recording and accidentally out their relationship. Cameras, though? Never on. They could get away with staring at each other as much as they wanted. “You’re gonna be a tyrant, aren’t you?” A bright grin spread across Danny’s face as he flicked his eyes up and down Arin’s body. “Probably won’t even let me have a bathroom break.”

“You’ve gotta earn it.” Arin sat next to him and drank in how Danny didn’t look away. He recognized it immediately – the spark of interest in Danny’s eyes – and he thrived on it, tucking it away in his gut, where he felt an answering flame rise to meet it. Even with the lies his subconscious whispered to him about the depth of their relationship, Arin could never doubt that Danny wanted him. He only had to take one look at him to see it. Feel it.

Work came first. Regardless of how suddenly Arin wanted to bury himself in Danny’s arms and chase away all the fears he had, he knew there were way too many videos to record before their con appearance in a couple of weeks. But we can spare a kiss. Those were quiet. And no one was there to accidentally film it.

Arin reached over, cupping Danny’s cheek, and leaned in-

And Danny pushed him away with two hands on his chest and a bubbly laugh. “Gross, dude!”

Pain ripped through Arin’s chest. He furrowed his brow and sat back again, opening and closing his mouth before he remembered there wasn’t a thing he could safely say. But he couldn’t remember the last time Danny had rejected him so...succinctly. Why was it that easy for him?

Did he really not care?

Danny was already off, talking about the game they were going to play, and when he looked at Arin he frowned in the middle of his monologue, looking at him with clear confusion. Did he not realize, then? What he’d done?

Why was that so difficult for Arin to believe?

Arin picked up his controller, took a deep breath, dug down for every aspect of the improvisation classes they’d taken, and seized hold of his best acting chops. “Welcome back!” he said as cheerfully as he could, pushing forward.

And Danny, instead of questioning it, only laughed and looked back at the screen without a care in the world.

Filming went easily enough. No technological mishaps. No true rage. They had a solid chunk of editable content by the time they finally threw down their controllers – but Arin was exhausted. He’d put on a brave face for hours straight without even taking a break. Fuck anybody who says this job is easy. He sat back and closed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. Let’s see them do comedy for five hours in a row.

“You think we’re good?” Danny asked as he stood up. “Can I go grab a late lunch?”

No, Arin wanted to say, because we still haven’t talked about what we wanna do for our monthaversary, and I think you’re trying to put some distance between us and it freaks me out, and if I end up going to lunch alone I know all I’m gonna do is sit there and brood for a fucking hour.

But he didn’t say that. He opened his eyes and studied the inch of bare skin beneath Danny’s shirt hem as he stood on his tiptoes, arms reaching toward the ceiling, and tried, against all odds, to be better than that.

“Are you busy next weekend?” He skimmed his eyes slowly up Danny’s frame until he found his face, waiting for some recognition to come through. Nothing.

“Maybe? I dunno. Guess I’ve gotta look.”

Did he really have no idea? Was he clueless? “Maybe you should,” Arin prompted. “Maybe you’ve got something to celebrate.”

Danny laughed as he headed toward the door. “Right, we know how much of a party guy I am now. Makes perfect sense.”

Arin stiffened. “Just, y’know, keep it open if you see you don’t have any plans, okay?”

“My weekends are pretty full, though, most of the time!” Danny sounded as cheerful as ever. Oblivious.

For some reason it pissed Arin off far more than it should. He stood up and shoved past Danny to get to the door first. “Well, have a great time, then,” he muttered as he let the door shut behind him.

If he calls my name, I’ll stop, and I’ll tell him why I’m mad, he promised himself, jaw tight. But the studio door didn’t open behind him, and so Arin walked on and tried his best to leave his anger in it.

The rest of the day, anxiety plagued him. He struggled through a meeting. He barely focused as he went through his fanmail and gifts. Time slowed until he thought he was going to explode. The second the clock ticked over to closing time, he was the first one out of the office – a Grumps first. He couldn’t handle it anymore. All day he hadn’t heard from Danny or seen him, and it only confirmed his fears.

He needed someone else to listen. Someone who could help him figure his shit out. Suzy, bless her, was always going to take Arin’s side for as long as they both lived, and she was out for dinner with a friend that night anyway – and that meant he was left to choose the most intelligent person he knew.

Probably not wise, necessarily, to do anything that made it look like he was pitting one boyfriend against the other, but Arin was at the end of his rope. He sent off a text to Brian at a stoplight, asking him to come over as soon as possible. The sooner he dealt with it, the better.

He didn’t anticipate the waiting being quite so bad. He’d missed traffic fortuitously, but within five minutes of sitting listlessly on his own couch and staring into space he realized that Brian would’ve hit it no matter what. He should’ve done something to distract himself. He should’ve pulled up a game or opened a sketchbook or put on an anime he’d been neglecting – but he couldn’t. He was lost in his own misgivings, and he couldn’t find his way out.

With how things started with Danny in the first place, Arin always believed he’d be able to handle it if Danny had to be a little more hands off than Brian did. Brian was a romantic, through and through, even if he was a kinky little shit, and he never made Arin feel like he wasn’t wanted. They’d figured things out one day at a time, and because of the care they’d taken – the care Brian forced them to take, especially – each day together their relationship had only deepened. It was amazing. It was like falling in love with Suzy all over again – and yet not. Something entirely different that he was still getting used to.

Danny, though, he’d been scared, hadn’t he? Everything had almost blown up among all three of them more than once. He and Brian had to outright seduce him into their lives, when everything was said and done – using sex as a tool to help Danny relax through his panic – and from then on, Arin told himself not to be too disappointed if sex was all he could give them.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if Danny was only giving Brian sex too. But he wasn’t. They were head over heels for each other, and Arin was stuck watching it from the sidelines.

He jolted when he heard someone try the door before they even knocked, and he stood, feeling numb as a ghost as he glided toward it. The second he saw Brian’s concerned face, he threw his arms around him, and his boyfriend hummed as he pushed his hand through Arin’s hair. “Hey, hey, I’m here.”

“I know you are.” Arin had been trying to build up to a joke, maybe, or teasing, but the words came out so mournfully that all he could do was sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Brian kissed his temple, and Arin let his eyes fall shut. “It’s not an emergency, is it?”

“No, I just...” Arin shook his head and huffed out an unconvincing laugh. “Fuck, dude, do you ever do that thing where you get stuck in your own head and can’t get out?”

“Sometimes.” For once, Brian didn’t quip. Arin was thankful for it. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Did he? He’d rather keep it all inside and let it fix itself, but that had never worked out well in the past. Memories of choking himself on his own paranoia as a teenager flooded him. He finally nodded and backed up, taking Brian’s hand and leading him inside. “You want something to drink or whatever?”

“I want to know what’s wrong, and to hold you, and to help.”

Arin shut the door a little too hard and leaned against it. Why did Brian make it so easy to love him, and why did Danny make it so scary? He stood there for a long few seconds, feeling himself shake, then pushed away and walked past Brian to the living room, hearing him follow behind.

He made Brian sit first, then took the other couch without comment – he wanted to be able to see him to talk this through, to get through his frustration without getting caught up in the idle comfort of Brian holding him close. It was dangerous, letting himself give in to the lull of physical touch. He could almost use it to pretend that nothing was wrong in the first place. It would work until that night, when Arin was in bed and struggling to fall asleep and feeling the walls close in around him, tighter and tighter until he couldn’t breathe.

No, this way was better – and he’d see it through.

“It’s about Danny,” he said by way of opening, and he couldn’t miss the way that Brian sat up just that little bit taller. “We didn’t, like, have a fight or anything, don’t worry – at least, I don’t think we did.” Had they? Had Arin done something wrong that Danny was punishing him for in some small way? No matter how much he tried to remember, nothing came to mind, and he threw that concept out the window. “It’s about how...how you two get along.”

Brian wrinkled his brow, but he kept his mouth shut. Small favors. Brian was better at listening than Arin and Danny combined.

Arin knew he could hem and haw about his thoughts for a good hour, if he let himself, but the fear on the back of his tongue didn’t give him that option. Not today. So out it came. “He treats you sweeter than he treats me. Have you noticed that?”

Brian’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Like, romantically! He treats you like you’re a fucking king!” The words burst out unexpectedly as he leaned into the couch and covered his eyes. “I don’t mean, like, when we’re all three in bed or whatever – he treats us about the same there, doesn’t he, how he just lets himself fucking go and fucks the shit out of us – but outside of it, you get the special treatment. You get the kisses and the handholding and the dates, and-”

“Arin, I don’t understand. Slow down. What are you talking about?”

“I don’t think he loves me!”

Silence. The panic spread down his throat, thick and acidic, and he shuddered, dropping his hands and staring at the ceiling.

“He doesn’t treat me like he loves me, Brian,” Arin finally said slowly. “He treats me like he wants to fuck me, and that’s it. He holds me back. He acts like we’re just friends, unless all three of us are together. But he doesn’t do that to you.” The memory from earlier that day – how easily Danny had nuzzled Brian – stung. “I thought...I could handle it. I’ve got the most incredible wife anyone could ever imagine. I’ve got an awesome relationship with you. All that says I should be pretty okay with my other boyfriend being just a fuck buddy or whatever, but goddammit, Brian, I love him too much to settle for that.”

“Arin.” Brian sat forward, reaching for his hand, and after a long moment of hesitation he let him have it. “Listen to me. I understand that...that something has you upset right now. But can you listen to me for just a few minutes? Can we work through this together?”

The sweetness Arin was privileged enough to hear on this man’s tone – Brian, who had more fun making people squirm than anything – was rare enough that he knew he should relax. He didn’t. But he did press his lips shut and hope that would be enough to keep his fears at bay for just a little while.

Brian squeezed his hand and took a deep breath, staring at the floor between them, and Arin let himself take a long look at him and marvel at how his mind worked. He really did want to help, didn’t he? A man like this who for years refused to believe that he was attracted to Danny just because he knew he couldn’t have him – who, for all intents and purposes, could have a relationship only with him instead, rather than Arin who was sitting here and dragging him into his own drama. Arin had a wife. Arin didn’t need another partner, and he knew that he was being fucking difficult as shit right now...but Brian hung in there. Brian loved him. And that was remarkable and more than Arin had ever deserved.

“I’ve known Danny for a very long time,” Brian began slowly. “Much longer than you. We’ve been partners in business since far before you and him started to work together. We’ve already been through a lot of the muck of fighting and friendship and drama. We’ve screamed at each other like we were kids in high school before. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“You know each other better.” Arin tried not to sulk.

“I don’t mean it like that.” Brian leaned forward and kissed the back of Arin’s hand, and that soft contact alone made him sigh out another ounce of tension. “Because we’ve got that solid foundation...maybe it was easier for Danny to transition our relationship. That’s not bad. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means that Danny probably doesn’t really know how to compartmentalize the man he is when he’s recording with you, and the man he is when the cameras are off.”

Arin didn’t like the sounds of that. Brian and Danny, it was true, they’d known each other for years before Arin came along. He knew surely that Brian wasn’t suggesting that Danny needed that exact amount of time before he could start acting like a boyfriend to Arin, but…

...goddamn, it was tempting to think of it like that. Tempting to be terrified out of his mind and let the fear rule him. Tempting to let it drive him to confront Danny and talk all this out once and for all.

“Is that really what’s going on?” Brian murmured. He sat on the edge of the couch, and even without looking at him Arin could feel the concern rolling off his body. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

His head felt too heavy for his body. He hung it low, staring at his own feet, his hand going limp in Brian’s grip. “...I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Like...like someone might be better for Danny than me.” He snorted. “Like, obviously I know you are, in a way – that’s what polyamory is all about, right? Knowing that somebody can’t be someone’s everything – but I used to have some confidence that I gave Danny something you don’t. Like I was still irreplaceable somehow. And I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like he’s figuring that out. Like he knows he doesn’t love me.”

“He loves you.” The firmness in Brian’s tone made Arin jerk his gaze to his face. “Listen to me, Arin, he adores you. He thinks you hung the moon. He’s been passionate about you since he even knew what it meant. But he shoved you in a very specific hole in his mind – his best friend – and that’s gonna take time to come out of.”

How much trouble was Arin causing Brian right now? How many times was he going to make Brian repeat the same damn thing over and over again until it finally got through Arin’s thick skull? You’ve gotta do better than this. He felt it again – that fear. Keep it up, and you’re gonna drive him away too.

Brian stood up and took Arin’s other hand, standing directly in front of him and looking more worried than Arin had ever seen him. “Do you wanna go get some dinner? Talk a little more?”

Every single cell in Arin’s body wanted to say yes. Brian was strong. He was irrepressible. It would be easy for Arin to snuggle up against him and drain out his strength. But he couldn’t do that, could he? He had to stand on his own two feet. He shook his head. “No, I...you’re right. Everything you said was right. I’ve just gotta remember it, don’t I?”

Brian was quiet. He wore a frown that caught Arin’s heart and squeezed it tight. “We can still talk about it. I’ve...seriously never seen you quite like this before. I don’t even know where it’s coming from.”

Instinctively Arin knew what he meant. Arin bled confidence out of every orifice. He’d built an empire, first through animation and then through entertainment. Him, the high school dropout with only limited opportunities. For all intents and purposes, everything should’ve fallen to pieces around him when he was barely sixteen. He never should’ve gotten this far – and that meant a man like him was supposed to strut around with his nose in the air and a cocky smirk on his face because he was invincible.

The problem was that Arin had been waiting ever since he made that move toward his uncertain future for everything to fall apart around him. Everything. And, for the first time, it truly looked like it might.

“I probably just need more sleep,” he said, forcing a chuckle as he let go of Brian’s hands. “I’m just, like...running my mouth about stupid shit. It’s fine, dude, don’t worry. You’re right. I need to think through this and tell myself why it’s irrational or whatever, right?”

“You don’t have to do it alone. You know that.” Brian came down on his knees in front of Arin, his handsome face filling his vision. “I know I give you shit all the time, but I know when to turn it off. I’m here for you. I could be here all night, if you needed.”

Having Brian be this serious, every ounce of humor sucked straight out of those concerned eyes, only made guilt fill Arin to the brim. Any moment now it was going to spill over, and the last thing he wanted was for Brian to see it and think Arin was weak. “No, it’s okay, seriously, I think I talked it all out. I’ve just gotta have some me time. I figure shit out better that way.” He pulled a smile that felt like it looked pretty genuine as he stood up, and Brian sat back and tipped his head to see his face. “Unless you wanna make this position make sense…?” Arin managed to tease.

Brian rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, one hand on the coffee table to stabilize himself. “Funny. Yes, Arin, let me suck out all your worries straight through your dick – how did you know my ulterior motive all this time?” But before Arin could laugh, Brian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in, tucking Arin’s head against his shoulder. Warmth flooded him, as if Brian’s love was flowing straight into him, and he fisted his hands in Brian’s t-shirt and squeezed his eyes shut even as his lover began to speak. “I’m just a phone call away. Don’t forget that. Don’t do that thing where you try and do everything and work yourself half to death. I deal with that enough from Danny.”

Just that one mention of the man plaguing Arin with concern made a fresh flush of anxiety shoot through him, and he knew then and there that he had to get Brian out of his house before he lost it. “No, yeah, you’re right. I’ll get some sleep. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you tomorrow. No big deal.” He rattled off platitudes as he pulled back and guided Brian to the front door by the hand. He gave him one searing kiss, then forced another smile. “Drive home safely, okay?”

Brian heaved a sigh. “If I must.” With one last kiss on the cheek, Brian pulled away, and Arin shut the door behind him and leaned heavily against it.

He was fucked, and he knew it. This was going to be a long night.

“Hey baby!” Suzy smiled as she kicked off her shoes at the front door and padded into the living room in her stockings, wrapping her arms around Arin on the couch from behind. “Did you already eat?”

“Yep.” It was easier to lie to her when he wasn’t looking at her. Easier still to pretend that he hadn’t put on an anime and stared at the screen senselessly while he built himself up to nausea fervently worrying about his relationship. “How was dinner?”

“Good!” Suzy kissed Arin’s cheek, then paused when she saw his profile. “You okay? You look all gross and pale.”

Arin rolled his eyes. “Thanks, babe,” he said with a dry chuckle, but when she still didn’t pull away he forced himself to look at her. Dear, sweet, strong Suzy, who’d held him together through thick and thin – who’d gone so far as to let him do this whole polyamory thing without questioning it even once. Did she even know how remarkable she was? How much Arin didn’t deserve her? He palmed the back of her head, feeling her smooth hair, and let out a sigh. “Just feel weird, I guess. Got some things I’m thinking about. Might be up late tonight.”

Suzy frowned as she squeezed his shoulders in another quick hug. “Want me to sit up with you?”

Arin tried, more than anything, not to bother Suzy with any frustrations he had about Brian and Danny. As kind as she was being to let him figure out his relationship with them, she didn’t deserve to be bogged down with their issues too. What if they upset her? What if she got jealous and decided to go fix things herself, even if it meant yelling at his boyfriends until they yelled back? How quickly would everything fall apart? He swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head. “Nah. I’ve gotta figure it out on my own. I’ll talk to you about it when it starts making sense, okay?”

It didn’t take a mind reader to see that Suzy wasn’t happy with that idea. “I don’t want you to be alone if you’re sad.” She kissed the top of his head and nuzzled into his hair, unknowingly calling up images of the exact incident Arin knew he needed to forget. “You’ve got so many of us that love you now. There’s literally no reason you have to go through something alone-”

“I know.” He winced from the sharpness of his own tone and tried to shake it off. “I know. I’m sorry, I just...”

“Arin?”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” He guided her into a quick kiss. “Don’t worry about me.”

Suzy pouted, but her expression clearly said that she knew Arin’s mind was made up. “I always worry about you, baby.” She stood up and moved to the door frame, where she paused and looked over her shoulder. “Will you come get me if you need me?”

Arin smiled at her even as his foot pounded out a rhythm on the floor. “Duh. You’re my number one wife.”

“I better be,” she teased, but he’d been with her for over half his life now, and he could see how she was struggling to pull together good humor. She went to the bedroom, and Arin flopped on the couch, trying not to think about how much of an inconvenience he was for every single person around him.

Somewhere as the first hour passed, he began to feel restless, yet like he was chained to the couch. Comfort waited for him upstairs – cuddles, a quiet and calm voice in the darkness – but he didn’t feel like he’d earned it. For the first time in an eternity, he found himself gripped so thoroughly by his own pain that he couldn’t escape it.

So he gave in.

The night crept on as Arin played and replayed every way that his relationship with Danny could self-destruct without either of them even really trying. He’d been so forceful with getting him involved. He should’ve waited. He should’ve stopped being an asshole and snapping about how long it was taking him to get his dick out or whatever. So what if he and Brian had to restrain themselves around each other because it made Danny nervous? He should’ve just dealt with it.

And let him be, what, homophobic like that? Arin’s thoughts taunted him. Yeah, sure, that would’ve been a much better solution.

What if Arin had been the one to kill the relationship before it even got started? What was the fucking likelihood that Danny, who was the sweetest and most affectionate man who’d ever lived – practically a puppy – knew that he didn’t love Arin, but just hadn’t found a way to tell him yet?

If Danny broke up with Arin, would Brian feel pulled between them? Would Danny sit there on his dates with Brian and badmouth Arin?

What if he’d already been doing that and Brian was too loyal to tell him?

How long has this whole thing been fucked?

He could practically hear Brian’s voice in his mind, begging him to be patient, and, just as easily, Arin shoved it away. Who could be patient when their heart was pounding in their chest and ice was spreading through their veins?

In the wee hours before the dawn, a specter of fear hovered over Arin, and he refused to let it catch him. He came to his feet, grabbed his keys off the table, and left the house in his bare feet. After so long of doing nothing – barely even breathing – his body was stiff and sore, but the actions that had felt so impossible in the moment were suddenly the only things that felt like they could save him. He did them without thinking. Start the car. Pull out of the driveway. Drive toward the freeway. Get on heading toward Danny’s house. One thing after another, interspersed between the awareness that he had no idea what he was doing or why he was doing it, only that he needed an answer from Danny now, before things fell to pieces--

The second he’d parked in Danny’s driveway, crooked, he climbed out of the car with it still running and took purposeful steps toward his door. Finally he was doing the first sane thing he’d done all day. Even in his sleepless, exhausted head, he knew it made sense – perfect sense.

He knocked on the door. Nothing. Knocked again. The third time he knocked it flew open with a half-frantic Danny standing there. “Arin, what’s wrong, is everyone okay?”

Arin planted a hand on Danny’s chest and pushed him inside – walls were safer than standing in the open air where even the sun was coming out to judge him – and asked the question that had been playing on his mind for over half a day. “Do you even wanna be with me?”

Silence. Dead silence. Danny – beautiful Danny, perfect and owner of such a huge part of Arin’s heart – stared at him, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed. His eyes were glossy. His hair was ruined. And his lips weren’t moving.

He had nothing to say. Seconds that felt like hours ticked by until Arin knew, really knew, that he was about to cry in front of Danny – and he refused to do that and be just another inconvenience for somebody.

Besides, he already had his answer.

He slammed the door behind him as he left, jogged to his car in a desperate attempt to leave the silence behind, climbed in, and drove. No destination. No plan. Just trying to get as far away from it as he could.

It still caught up to him, just like a demon feeding on his pain – and, helpless to resist it, he spent the first half hour of dawn crying his eyes out on the side of the road.

“Where the fuck were you?”

The second that Arin stepped inside, Suzy threw herself at him, the morning light streaming in through the open door. She trembled as she held him close, and he felt it with only faint stirring guilt – he was too exhausted and numb to feel, much less respond to her.

“You never came to bed, you weren’t here when I woke up, you left your phone here...” Suzy’s voice shook as she rambled on, and Arin squeezed his eyes shut. “I-I didn’t know where you were! Danny’s been calling for two hours, Arin! What happened?!”

He couldn’t say anything. Do anything. Everything was trapped in his chest, sealed shut. It was a small blessing, he supposed – anything was better than giving into those tears again like a child – but it left him dead inside. The guilt lifted its head a little higher. He was standing here, being held by the woman he’d pledged his whole heart and life to, and he was steely cold because he’d lost another lover? What kind of man was he?

Any other time, he might’ve heard soft voices lifting in the back of his mind and soothing him – reminding him that they’d started this new ethical nonmonogamy thing together, that he’d simply been so safe in his tower of marriage and happiness that he’d forgotten what it felt like to be broken up with. That it was no wonder the pain was twice as heavy as it had been when he and Suzy had briefly gone their separate ways when they were younger.

But he bludgeoned those voices, kicking them down to the ground, and left them there to bleed out as he stood in silence, simply taking short, shaky breaths.

Suzy guided him to the couch at some point and sat with him, but he didn’t catch the words that surrounded him. He saw Danny’s face staring at him in his mind’s eye, so quiet because the game was finally up. Because Arin knew. Too ashamed to say what Arin needed to hear, but letting the silence speak for himself.

Eventually Suzy stepped away, and Arin followed her with his eyes, feeling a bubble of panic pop in his gut – instincts made him fear that she was leaving him too – but once she was in the entryway, he heard her talking on her phone. “Hey, Brian.”

Brian. Fuck. He sat back with a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. He forced himself to listen to her side of the conversation, no matter how difficult it was.

“Yeah, he’s home. I don’t know. Danny told me he went to his house last night and left pretty fast?”

Arin’s jaw tightened.

“He’s not talking to me. No, it’s...not normal. It hasn’t been like this in a while.”

Suzy had been there since they were kids, practically, just two teenagers wandering around in that anime convention, Arin trying to set up his lonely buddy while pretending that he himself wasn’t already feeling the spark of chemistry between them. She’d seen everything – those devastating bouts with anxiety when the shitty comments he received on his art had been so high in number that he hadn’t been able to laugh them off anymore, when she’d held him close while he was at his most nonverbal.

“I can’t call Danny. Brian, I’m pissed as hell at him! Something happened! It can’t just...no, if I see him right now, I just know I’m gonna wring his neck.”

His spitfire of a wife. How many times had she ripped into people without him even asking her? There was a reason he’d had to develop such a casual demeanor about life and criticism – if he showed even the slightest sign of returning to those old, self-demeaning habits he had, Suzy flared up like she was ready to breathe fire. She protected him just like he protected her. That was what they did. He pitied Danny, if he and her crossed paths at the office today before...before what? Things got sorted out? Everything was pretty clearly fucked at this point, wasn’t it? There wasn’t anything to fix. It was done.

“Just go talk to Danny, please? Find out what really happened? I’ll text Brent and let him know everyone’s gonna be in late. You guys are lucky you’ve already got a buffer recorded. ...yeah, I’ll let him know. Thanks. Be safe.”

When Suzy came back into the room, she curled up next to Arin in her pajamas and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Brian says he loves you,” she whispered. “And I love you too, baby.”

Her words were the first balm he’d had in almost twenty-four hours – no, even longer than that. He closed his eyes and sank into her and cried.

The second that Danny’s door opened, Danny looked disappointed, and Brian wasn’t the least bit offended. “Oh. Hey.”

“Not him,” he said dryly as he let himself in and shut the door behind him. The next second he wrapped his arms around Danny and felt how the taller man practically wilted against him. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Is he okay?” Danny asked shakily.

“Didn’t Suzy text you?”

Danny sighed and buried his face in Brian’s shoulder. “I mean, yeah, but, like...I don’t mean physically. She just said he’s home. I think she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.” In times of crisis Brian burrowed deep within himself and found a neverending well of patience, and he pulled it out now, letting it flow freely. “She’s concerned. She thinks something happened here last night that neither of you are talking about.”

“I told her everything I know!” Danny burst out, the words rushing out of him as Brian slowly led him toward the couch. “He woke me up from a dead sleep before the sun was even up, I was sure somebody had to be dead or whatever, and he just, like, he asked me if I wanted to be with him or whatever? How the fuck was I supposed to know what to say to that?! I’d just woken up!”

As he might’ve expected. Brian sat them both down, but Danny stunned him by clinging to him even still. He threw a leg over Brian’s thighs and stayed hidden in his shoulder, tightening his arms with a shudder. Had he always craved physical contact like this when he was upset? It was the first time that he’d shown a desire for it – or even let himself be this vulnerable with him.

Brian pet slowly through his hair, making sure not to tangle his fingers in any curls. “Arin’s home. He’s with Suzy. Brent knows we’re all going to be late – fuck, we might not even make it in at this rate.”

“Because of me,” Danny murmured dully. “Because it’s my fault.”

“I’m not putting blame on you about anything, okay?” He kissed the top of Danny’s head. Odd how comforting him came so naturally when they’d never really been like this with each other before. It was like those years of closeness had finally broken down into something logical. Something that made sense. They were partners, through and through, and it showed.

Just as easily Brian imagined Arin’s face as he’d last seen it – forcing a smile, with his concerns still radiating around them – and he realized that he’d never seen Danny and Arin like this before. Not ever. Paranoia was never logical, but even the smallest aspects of an experience could make it grow. No wonder.

“Arin’s...afraid.” If he could spend an entire day comforting Danny before going into this, he would, but there wasn’t time. Suzy made it sound like this used to be a usual response from Arin, but that it hadn’t happened in years. If it was something that she couldn’t comfort him out of, then Brian and Danny needed to do whatever they could to clear up the misunderstanding. And it had to be a misunderstanding. Brian couldn’t imagine, after these years of watching how Danny admired and worshiped the ground that Arin walked on, that Danny had anything less than love for the man, regardless of how he chose to show it. “You know that, right? He’s afraid that you aren’t serious about him.”

Danny pulled away with a wounded expression. “Does he think he’s the only one who’s afraid?!” He gritted his teeth and pulled back, breaking Brian’s hold, and threw himself against the couch arm. “Does he think he’s the only goddamn man who’s ever been afraid of what’s going on in his relationship?”

The last thing Brian had expected was such a violent reaction. “Whoa, whoa, hold on.” He held up his hands. “What are you referring to?”

‘This!” Danny pointed at Brian, himself, then further down the couch – where Arin often sat when the three of them were having a date together. “Us! All of us! Don’t you think I’ve fucked up enough already without even trying?”

Brian shook his head in confusion. “Danny-”

“I almost ruined everything for you and me in one fucking night. I know I did.” He looked like he was fighting to be angry, but all that he received were eyes full of tears. “And okay, sure, we figured it out, but not everybody does that. You should’ve broken up with me on the spot. I hurt you.”

“Everybody hurts each other someti-”

“But not like that.” Danny sucked in a sharp, wet breath. “Look. We’re doing fine. The band’s doing fine. But if we’d broken up and called the band quits, you and me both know we would’ve been okay. Miserable and upset and whatever, but we would’ve still had our work with Grumps.” Before Brian could rebut that idea, Danny plunged ahead. “If Arin and I make this whole relationship thing deeper...if we make it more serious...it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up and he leaves me. And, when that happens, our entire livelihoods are at stake. You, me, Arin, Suzy – everybody in that office would have their lives fall apart. Do you know how long that’ll take to recover from?”

“Why are you saying that like it’s a done deal?” Brian reached for Danny, but when his lover flinched away he drew back. “Why do you just assume you’re going to ruin everything?”

“Because I always do!”

“And that means you’re just going to run before it happens?!”

Danny opened his mouth, then clicked it shut, glaring at the wall with a scowl.

“Danny. You’ve already hurt Arin. I know you didn’t mean to. I know that half of it is his fault for letting his mind get away from him without talking to somebody about it. But it already happened.”

“Goddammit.” Danny covered his eyes.

“But that doesn’t mean your relationship is fucked.” Brian gathered every bit of strength he could, forcing himself to keep his gaze on Danny. This wasn’t easy. But it had to be said. “People get hurt. People upset each other. Relationships take damage. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt. Do you know how things like this get fixed? By sitting here, just like we are. By talking. By trying. Remember? Remember how we made love after everything happened? Remember how we reinstated our boundaries and showed how we cared about each other?”

Danny’s shoulders began to shake, hitched breaths breaking from his lips.

“Do you love Arin?”

“I do. I fucking do.” Danny dropped his hands into his lap and looked at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. “It scares the shit out of me. I don’t know how to do this, Brian. I don’t know how to balance caring about two people like this. I don’t know how to play for keeps. You know that I haven’t had something that lasted longer than six months in years.”

“But it will, this time, won’t it?”

Danny snorted. “It will. Next weekend.” He paused. “...if...if Arin doesn’t just...end it because of this. Fuck, he’s gonna, isn’t he?”

It was impossible to stay clear headed while he watched Danny shake and cry. He’d barely ever seen it before. Only in Danny’s lowest moments, and looking miserable that he’d ever allowed himself to show weakness the entire time. But now? When Brian knew exactly how deeply he loved this man? It was torture. “You don’t know that. He loves you too. We’re going to talk about it, okay? All of us. Just like you and me did.”

Suddenly a burst of unamused laughter broke from Danny’s lips, and he looked at Brian with a grim smile. “It’s always me, isn’t it? It’s always gonna be me dragging this whole damn relationship to a stop. Why can’t it be as easy for me as it is for you two, huh? Why does it have to feel like pulling teeth to get me to be fucking brave when stuff like this happens?” Misery rolled off of him, clouding the room in darkness, and Brian’s hands twitched. “I’m sick of being the idiot that gives you two trouble-”

He couldn’t hold back anymore. Brian dove forward and hugged Danny tight, his heart breaking in his chest. “You’re not an idiot. You’re not. You’re the man we love. Do you hear me? We’d do anything for you. We already have.” Danny grabbed handfuls of Brian’s shirt and soaked through his shoulder with his tears, but he didn’t dream of pulling away. “Don’t you know who you are? Don’t you remember every single time you’ve been a solid fucking rock for Arin or me when we were just friends? When the whole world looked like it was going to fall apart, a-and you just sat there and listened to us and made us laugh so we’d stop freaking out?” Danny couldn’t erase those memories from Brian’s mind no matter how hard he tried. Long nights where Brian had one too many beers and mourned that their music was never going to go anywhere, where Danny so brightly pointed out that at least they were getting to follow their dreams with their best friend. The afternoon Brian had walked in on Arin stressed out about the response they received from one of their videos, and Danny keeping him afloat with jokes and comfort that came so easily to him.

Danny shook his head. “It’s not-”

“It’s that easy. That’s who you are, down to the core of you. You’re not a burden. You’re not trouble. You’re not ruining everything. You just...” He thought of Arin’s impatience and how quickly it had accelerated their relationship together – all three of them – and how, even still, Danny had held in there with them, even though he’d clearly needed so much longer. “...you need time. Don’t you?”

Danny stayed silent.

“You can take as much time as you need to. If you need to step back from our relationship or-”

“No.” Danny furiously shook his head again. “No, I don’t wanna leave you or Arin, I-I just...” He let out a shaky sigh. “I need...to talk to you guys. That’s it, isn’t it? When I’m freaking the fuck out, I need to talk about it, and then I feel better, and bam, it’s magic, it’s done, it’s all better.”

Brian snorted. “I can’t guarantee it’d be that easy, exactly, but...it’s worth trying, isn’t it?” He kissed Danny’s head, flooded with gratitude that his tone was evening out – that he wasn’t trembling anymore. “We can figure out some ground rules. Something you can say if you’re scared and need to talk about something, but don’t know how to do it. We can come over to your side for once instead of dragging you over to ours.”

“Even though it’d piss you both off?”

“It doesn’t piss me off to be patient with you, Danny,” Brian said slowly with a sigh. “I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anybody.”

Danny lifted his head, looking at Brian with watery eyes and tear tracks still shiny down his cheeks. “You mean it?”

“Duh.”

Danny smacked him in the chest, but it made him smile, and that was all that mattered. “I guess I love you too, asshole.”

“Good.” Brian cupped his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “You know what you need to do.”

Danny took a deep breath and nodded. “...yeah.”

“I’ll sit right here with you while you do it.”

“No.” Danny pulled away and raked his hair out of his eyes, looking away. “If I’m gonna call Arin, I-I wanna try to do it myself first. Be brave, and all that.” He shot Brian a look. “Exposure therapy, right? That’s what they call it?”

A stunned laugh burst from Brian’s mouth. “Sure? I guess?”

“Okay, then.” Danny pulled his phone out and stared at it. “...God, I hope he doesn’t break up with me.”

“One step at a time. Don’t get stuck in that feedback loop again. I’ll kick your ass.”

“Thanks.” Danny rolled his eyes as he opened his contacts. “As if an old man could kick my ass.”

“You’re only a slightly younger old man.”

“Fuck you.”

Brian laughed as Danny walked into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. Banter was good. Banter meant that Danny was getting his feet on solid ground again. It meant Brian hadn’t fucked up either.

He settled back on the couch and listened to the low, indiscernible murmur of Danny’s voice through the bedroom wall. This new relationship was tricky. Even after all this time together – all these years of knowing each other – it was tough getting it to work. A whole new way of communicating. A hundred ways that things could go wrong.

Or right.

Danny suddenly let out one of his bright, helpless laughs, and Brian closed his eyes. Warmth burst in his chest like a bomb – compersion, he realized, for maybe the first time. Compersion paired neatly with hope. With the idea that things might be okay.

After a few minutes, the door opened and Danny stepped outside, beaming as gave Brian a thumbs up while Arin continued to talk in his ear, and Brian winked at him and watched pink spread through his cheeks.

It was a process, day to day. But they’d get there. They’d figure it out, one step at a time.

It was...embarrassing, Arin seeing his boyfriends again. He spent a solid four straight days making self-deprecating jokes both in and out of videos, and if Brian wasn’t giving him threatening looks through the glass then Danny was reaching over to put a reassuring hand on Arin’s leg.

Just...touching him. No goal in mind. No intent to seduce him. Just keeping a steady line of contact.

Did Danny know how much Arin craved that? How, every time he felt the solid weight of Danny’s touch on his thigh, his fingers went loopy on the controller? How his words took a second to make sense again?

It was a process, and he knew it well. He owed both of them a long explanation about his own past with anxiety and self hatred – but in due time. Unearthing those skeletons wasn’t pleasant around Suzy, who had lived through it, much less two men who had never really had the opportunity to see it. Instead, he had to focus on healing. On...doing better, whatever that looked like.

On Friday, he made a promise to both Danny and Brian that he wouldn’t say anything negative about himself, and they’d given each other conspiring looks all day. He succeeded – and, when everyone was starting to trickle out, Danny caught his hand and grinned and kissed him in front of the whole office. “Your reward,” he’d murmured with pink cheeks and a wink. “I’ll see you for our date tomorrow.” And then he’d left, while Arin stood motionless in the middle of the hallway trying to remember what both of them had even planned over the past few days, much less his own name.

Brian’s reward, as he might’ve expected, was a bit filthier, and involved bending Arin over a console and rimming him until he cried – but it worked. Never had Arin received positive reinforcement that made him jizz all over a desk, and the playful spank Brian gave him as he growled for Arin to clean it up only had him floating that little bit higher.

How easy they both made it to try. It wasn’t hard, now, to imagine a world where he could move forward and never let that sharp paranoia nip at his heels again. Did it still come over him that week? Of course it did, especially in the darkness of his bedroom when he didn’t even have to be asleep to see nightmares of Danny’s mournful face in the pre-dawn light – but Suzy curled closer and murmured something inarticulate and chased the shadows away, just like she always did.

It seemed impossible for a man like Arin to be so lucky in love. But he wasn’t going to second guess it.

“What do you think?” Arin grinned at Danny and leaned against the wall while his lover pulled out the key to his house. “Was that dinner worth six months?”

“I think I ate about six months worth of food,” Danny drawled through a giggle, and Arin warmed. “It’s your fault if I burp all night.”

“Not all night, I hope.”

Danny shot him a look. “Why’s that?”

Arin chuckled. “How else are we gonna hear the movie?”

It was a low key celebration, and Arin was sure that people world over would’ve given them both the side eye for. But only dinner and watching a movie together in Danny’s house worked for them. They had conventions coming up. They had tours to think about. They didn’t have the time or the energy to plan something spectacular and massive.

Besides, time alone together was a gift in and of itself. Danny would see Brian alone on Sunday, and then the three of them were already planning to spent the night together in Danny’s enormous bed on Monday night. They’d make it work, and they wouldn’t waste a second.

A year together? Arin would sweep both Brian and Danny away for a private vacation – just the three of them – but neither of them had to know that yet, now, did they?

As they entered Danny’s house, Arin kicked off his shoes and flopped on the couch with a happy sigh. “You know what you wanna watch, babe?”

All night Danny had been calm, but now that he was home, he seemed a little jumpier than before. Nerves bit at Arin, and he shoved them away, refusing to give into the temptation to be suspicious about if Danny didn’t want him here after all. “Not really.” He waved Arin off. “You just pick something. Anything.”

“Cool. Time to turn you into a weeb!”

“No, your evil plan!”

Arin’s face nearly split open with the force of his grin as he turned on the TV and grabbed a controller to surf through Netflix. He’d barely gotten everything running when Danny sat on the couch watching him.

Arin glanced over. “What?”

“Nothing.” Danny grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. “You just, you look good, that’s all.”

A rare compliment. Maybe it was silly for it to burst like a fire flower in his chest, but Arin stammered with a quiet laugh, looking down at the controller and losing track of what he’d been doing. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Seriously. I like seeing you like this. Smiling. I think I fell in love with your laugh before anything else.”

“I can’t believe I have the Sexbang himself coming onto me.” Making it a joke meant that Danny could pull out when he got too uncomfortable with how deep in he was. It made sense.

But even still, Danny scooted closer until their thighs pressed together, then looped an arm around his neck. “Then I fell in love with the rest of you. And it was pretty fucking sweet.”

Arin shivered. He leaned into Danny, then caught his breath when he was only pulled in a little more. He tucked his legs under him and surrendered to the cuddle as he looked back at the screen.

Danny caught his chin and turned his head slowly, and the heat in his gaze when they locked eyes sent a crackle of lightning straight down Arin’s spine. Danny took a long moment to admire the shape of his lips before he tucked Arin’s hair behind his ear and leaned in.

Arin had expected two things from their inevitable sex tonight – either a lot of laughing and joking around or a sharp, sparking sort of passion. Those were safe for Danny, he’d come to realize over the past few months. Either he could turn his own strong response for Arin into something to tease about, or he could give himself over to it fully like a hurricane so that both of them were sore when it was over.

This slow, languid kissing didn’t fit into either category.

Arin whimpered as he tilted his head to the side, inviting him closer, and Danny hummed in response – but he seemed impervious to Arin’s silent suggestion. He kept the gentle pace steady, and Arin marveled at the simple perfection of how their slick lips moved together without a single interplay between their tongues.

It was...oddly innocent. Curious. Like two teenagers on their first date, not two grown men who knew each other’s bodies like the back of their hand. But, strangely enough, it seemed exactly like what Arin needed. He shivered from head to toe and melted into the cushions, and Danny’s lips quirked into a smile against his own.

After long, agonizing minutes, Arin distantly heard his gaming system turn off from inactivity, and Danny broke the kiss. Was it over, then? Was that all? Arin fumbled for the controller, but it fell to the floor as he gasped when Danny simply turned his head to press three feathersoft kisses over his neck.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” There was a faintly amused tone to his words, and Arin tried to find his intelligent brain to quip back, but all he could manage was a weak moan as teeth nibbled lightly at his skin. “Fuck, you sound so hot...” Danny whispered as he interlaced two of their hands and squeezed.

Incredible, really, how Danny could make him hard in ten seconds flat. His cock had stirred from the gentle kisses, but those words were enough to have him aching in his sweatpants, and he immediately reached and groaned as he pressed the heel of his palm against his hardness.

“Not yet.”

“What?” Arin whined.

Danny bubbled up with laughter as he took Arin’s hand, then looped that arm around his own slender shoulders. “We’re taking our time tonight.”

“Are we?” Arin didn’t mean to sound so breathless, like he’d heard a great secret and his biggest dream combined, but out it came, and he squirmed when Danny chuckled again.

“I’m yours all night.” He thumbed over Arin’s knuckles with a pleased sigh. “And you’re mine.”

Time bled together in a dizzying way as Danny covered Arin’s neck, cheeks, and collarbone with kisses that felt like promises. His skin buzzed, oversensitive, until even the faintest tickle of Danny’s breath could make his hips lurch. If this was Brian, he knew he’d be held down, his wrists pinned to the couch and his legs kicked open so his entire body belonged to him in that moment – but Danny had no such desires. No, he seemed to want to let Arin ride the wave of his teases, shaking and gasping and moaning in turns as he waited for...for anything. Anything that Danny would gift him with.

“Bed?” Arin said once, hopefully, when wiggling made him aware of just how sticky his boxers were from precum.

“Not yet.” Danny sighed. “But...well. I guess we can take a minute and just...” As he trailed off he slid his long, thin fingers into the waistband of Arin’s pants and boxers, then pulled them down in one movement and dropped to his knees on the floor. Arin refused to let himself imagine what this might mean. He never received this from Danny. But there his lover was, looking him in the eye with a smirk as he ran his hands up and down Arin’s bare thighs.

Arin’s cock twitched, and Danny laughed – and then he leaned down.

The kisses began again, one right after the other, leading a smooth line up his legs that had Arin feeling like he’d gone to heaven. He’d always wondered, really, what sort of lover Danny was in the past – his laughter and his primal passion in turns seemed like rare things he might give into with women, especially given the faint misogyny he’d grown out of that might’ve manifested in the past as treating ladies as if they were shrinking flowers. Was this how he’d been with them, then? Slow? Teasing? Gentle?

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with a shaky sigh, but he turned his eyes to Arin’s cock as he slowly approached it, one kiss at a time, with a certain heat in his gaze that couldn’t be ignored.

No, he wasn’t pretending Arin was someone else – some shadow of the past. He knew exactly who he was with. And he was burning up just like Arin was.

“Danny...” The word slipped out like a prayer. “Please, I-I...”

“Let me take my time.” The statement was easy and unassuming. Rich like honey. As their eyes met Danny smiled. “Let me show you how much I love you.”

Arin whimpered and slouched another inch, feeling like he might melt straight off the couch. This was what he’d wanted all week – wanted and then felt selfish for, after the idle fantasies slipped out of his mind. He couldn’t bear asking for anything like this – and, for the first time, he wondered why. Danny shouldn’t have to read his mind to know that Arin wanted him to take some slow, intimate time with him. Arin needed to tell him what he needed. Right?

He was unimaginably lucky that Danny had even given him the chance, after how Arin had acted. And he’d find a way to repay him in spades.

“Everything still square with testing?” Danny asked absently as he nosed his way along Arin’s sensitive thigh.

Forcing himself to think logically was quite a feat. “Y-yeah, Suzy and me, we, uh, we got tested, um, two weeks ago? Everything’s negative.”

“She’s still good with this? Not using condoms?” Though they’d talked about it in the past, they still rarely did it.

“Yeah, totally.” Arin barked a laugh. “Do you want me to get my phone out and call her and ask for you?”

Danny giggled. “Shut up, I’ve gotta be sure.” Somehow, Danny was the one, no doubt after his former quick series of entanglements, one right after the other, to make sure that everyone continued to check in about fluid bonding with each other – knowing that Suzy especially, not being involved with the two of them, was willing to trust them with unprotected sex with Arin, just like she and him had. It was a small thing, just an indication of how seriously Danny took this commitment – how much he cared about Suzy’s safety and consent as well – and it made Arin’s heart burst with adoration.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, sliding fingers delicately into Danny’s curls.

Danny hummed, his smile softening. “I love you too.”

The long swipe of Danny’s tongue up Arin’s shaft made him shiver, like sweat was breaking out all over his body, and he let out a moan that was just as desperate as he felt. Danny took his time. As if he’d been doing this for years, he suckled his way along Arin’s length with wet kisses, then lapped at the head of his cock over and over again just to turn his blood into lava. Arin twisted on the couch, prepared to be shoved back into place, but Danny only laughed and squeezed his hand around his thigh as he took just the head of Arin’s cock into his mouth.

“You’re so fucking good to me...” Arin went boneless and pliant as Danny slid the tip of his tongue through his slit. Pinpricks of pleasure burst on his skin. “Oh my God-”

Danny moaned around him, vibrations spreading up his shaft. His steadying hand slid down to run a finger over Arin’s balls without a hint of nerves.

Everything really was going to be okay, wasn’t it? Arin trembled with the force of the realization. After months upon months of waiting for Danny to continue his bi crisis and go running, he’d relaxed, and Arin had barely even realized it. What was it that had changed? Arin felt a sparking curiosity rush through him regarding Brian and Danny’s sex life alone behind doors. Had Brian been the one to whisper in Danny’s ear when he was anxious about what they were doing? Had he been Danny’s first in so many experiences and acts, just because it was secure when it was just the two of them?

Arin should feel jealous, he thought – but it never came. His whole soul rose above him, reaching out for Brian’s somewhere in town, effervescently happy. After all this time and all their worries and all of Arin’s fucking impatient prodding, something right had happened, and he felt more grateful than he could say.

Danny began to bob slowly on Arin’s cock, his slick mouth hot and tight around him, and he curled his toes as he groaned in appreciation. Danny seemed to light up from the wordless praise; he sighed and took him just an inch deeper, the fingers on Arin’s hip pillowing in his skin. It was obviously a process – Danny took his time with the blowjob because he had so little experience that he didn’t want to choke himself – but the act itself was immeasurably beautiful to Arin. He didn’t need it to be the best damn blowjob he’d ever had.

He just needed to feel his heart connecting with Danny’s.

“I need you to fuck me,” he said suddenly, before he’d even acknowledged the thought. “I-I need...”

Danny made an amused sound as he pulled off and turned his neck to suck on one of Arin’s balls.

“Fuck!” Arin slammed his head back on the couch. “I-I need t-to...to feel you. All of you. On me.”

With a sigh, Danny nodded. “Motherfucker, I wanted to spoil you, but...”

Arin blinked. “But?”

“...but I need it too.”

Something about the confession made Arin’s heart skip a beat. “Really?”

Danny stood up and pulled Arin to his feet, holding him tightly against his clothed body. “I need to know you forgive me. Really forgive me.”

“I did. I do. I told you, y-you didn’t even do anything I had to forgive--”

“I know you told me.” Danny’s arms tightened just that little bit more. “But I wanna feel it. If...if I can hold you and make love to you...”

Words that he never thought he’d hear Danny say. Words that sounded, somehow, like they didn’t deserve to come out of his mouth. Not with the persona that Danny had so carefully cultivated over years for his career. They sounded almost clumsy – like he hadn’t been expecting to say them – and something about it felt so real – not anywhere near fake, not in the slightest – that Arin’s knees shook. He felt like a corseted woman who hadn’t expected to be proposed to, needing to sit down to take the huge surprises of life, not like a naked man about to explode from the intimacy thick in the room around them.

“Then make love to me.” Arin’s voice shook with emotion, and he felt Danny chuckle quietly in response – like he couldn’t believe it was really something they were saying, admitting. “Fucking do it.”

“Hell yeah.”

Danny took both of Arin’s hands and walked backward through the house, beaming down at him, and it was on its way to being cute as fuck when he tripped over one of Arin’s shoes and sent both of them stumbling. The lightness of their laughter broke the overwhelming tension vibrating in the air as they made their way to the bed and both climbed in.

“You wanna, like, not use a condom here too?” Arin asked curiously.

Danny blinked at him. “You want that?” He couldn’t help but chuckle again. “You want my cum in your ass, dude, really?”

“I mean...” Was that going to gross him out to suggest?

Before Arin could overthink anything in the old, tentative headspace that he was still sorting through, Danny leaned forward and gave him such a dizzying kiss that it bled the thoughts right from his brain. “Yeah, sure, let’s do it.”

“You sure?”

Danny grinned. “Absolutely.”

Arin reached for Danny’s shirt, but he caught his hands and eased him to lay back on the sheets. Danny straddled him and slid his own shirt over his head – like giving him a show, and it was one that Arin was more than happy to watch. He let his gaze rove over Danny’s slender torso, catching on the sparse hairs of his chest, feeling the lurch of his body’s reaction to his lover. The sheer magnitude of his attraction – and how it was okay to feel – took his breath away.

His clothes fell away, little by little, jeans and socks and briefs joining the shirt on the floor, until Danny wrapped a hand around both of their shafts and gently began jerking them off together.

“No, no,” Arin whined, and Danny grinned impetuously. “Fuck me fucking now!”

“Let me take my time with you! God!” Danny hunched down to kiss him, and though Arin had the distinct feeling that it was only to shut him up, he gave in immediately, twisting their tongues together while Danny’s long fingers coaxed ripples of pleasure down his spine.

It nearly didn’t matter how much time he wanted them to take. Arin forced himself to jerk his head back and catch his breath. “I-if you take too much time, I’m...Danny, I’m not gonna last.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “You serious?” His sweet voice carried just a hint of a growl to it, one that rose with every movement of his hand. “You need me that bad?”

Words were impossible to grasp when Danny was hovering over him, his curls illuminated by the light on overhead, his legs tangled with Arin’s. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried desperately to calm down the tidal wave of arousal breaking through his body, but it was impossible. He couldn’t even catch his own breath. For the first time in months, he felt the strength of Danny’s fondness for him one hundred percent. There were no questions of if this was just to get off, or if he was only doing it because Brian was there.

No, this was fucking love, and it was goddamn overwhelming.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” Danny whispered as he leaned in for another kiss. He released their cocks, lathing his tongue over Arin’s bottom lip in silent request for him to open his mouth, and he gave himself up to it with another weak moan. Distantly he heard Danny’s hand open the nightstand and felt something hit the bed.

When he began to pull away, Arin grabbed his arms and whined. “Danny...”

“I’ve gotta finger you, dude,” he said with a chuckle.

“But...” He had the distinct feeling that if Danny pulled away – if their bodies stopped touching – that he might cry. His emotions were ratcheted far too high to come down that easily.

Danny kissed him again, swallowing the sounds he didn’t even realize he was making. “You’re gonna give me an arm cramp. Worth it.” He nudged Arin’s thighs apart with one leg, then half-draped himself over Arin’s torso, their hearts hammering against each other. It was enough for him to rub cold, slick fingers over his hole.

As he began opening Arin up, Danny kissed him with no sense of purpose or rhythm. It was like all he wanted to do was taste him for the rest of their damn lives. Why hurry? Why focus on something else? They’d get where they needed to be eventually.

It had taken them years, but they’d gotten here, hadn’t they?

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Danny whispered between kisses, and the words sluiced over Arin’s body. “I can’t fucking believe it, babe.”

“Yeah, well, look at you.” Arin cupped Danny’s stubbly cheek with one hand and grinned at him. “Jesus, your eyes are fucking gorgeous.”

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with pleasure, and Arin filed it away, feeding on it. There was the instinct to feel embarrassed about the words, but...no, no more of that. It was worth it. Every word.

“D’you ever think...” Danny trailed off suddenly as he eased two fingers inside of Arin, glancing away.

Arin held his breath, adjusting, before turning Danny’s face back to look at him. “Think what?”

“I-I just...” He laughed. “This is dumb, with my fingers in your ass and all, but-”

“You’re not dumb. I wanna hear whatever you wanna say.”

Danny closed his eyes, teeth glinting through his sudden beaming smile. “Geez. Uh, I...do you ever think about what it’d be like if this all just...got serious?”

Arin blinked. “It is serious, isn’t it?”

“No, yeah, but I meant, like...like if all of us...”

Arin’s heart beat like a rabbit’s.

“...wouldn’t it be fucking cool if you, me, Brian, and Suzy all just...played house someday? If this just...never stopped?”

Fuck. Fuck. He knew that Danny was just dreaming out loud, like they did sometimes over burgers when they talked about the places they wanted to go on tour and the people they wanted to collab with. He knew that he wasn’t proposing fucking marriage or anything – that being together like this made thoughts and feelings and words rush just that little bit closer toward the surface until it was impossible to hold back. But the fact that it had been on his mind at all was incredible.

He could have a life like that, if all of them wanted it. If they all worked carefully. A place for just him and Suzy, but adding on a place for him and his men, all of them having a future together in a massive house with dreams and love and desires that they didn’t have to think twice about fulfilling.

Danny’s face blurred. Arin sucked in a shaky breath, and when Danny grinned back at him he hugged him tight so his mouth pressed against his ear. “I want you to fuck me like we’re there,” he whispered. “Like...like we’ve got our whole lives together, and we’ve been thinking about each other all day, and we just got back to our home, and Brian and Suzy are making dinner, and we just...we...”

“Yeah,” he whispered back. He shifted his fingers, dragging them over Arin’s prostate, and as he gasped and arched his back Danny kissed his cheek. “Fuck, I love you.”

“Love you too,” Arin barely managed to say before a tear slid down his cheek. He was being a huge baby, and he knew it, and he loved every second of it. He could be vulnerable here. He could know that Danny wanted these things, even just in a distant corner of his mind – that he fantasized about possibly having a whole life with Arin outside of work. That he wasn’t just looking for a way out.

Without asking if he was ready – just by reading his body and his moans – Danny shifted and pushed his cock inside of him, rolling his hips in slow, shallow thrusts as he worked deeper and deeper in. Arin clung to him. He wrapped his thighs around his slender hips and squeezed, arms so tight around him that Danny couldn’t slip away. “You feel so good,” Danny gasped.

Arin groaned in response, his eyes rolling back as he basked in the sensation. This slow push and pull, it felt real, tethering him to reality. He didn’t need anything else. He didn’t need to come. He just needed to feel the weight of Danny on his body and the way that they were joined and how every one of their cells felt like they were tingling and waiting to press together.

He drowned in the ragged, wet breaths Danny let out near his ear. He reveled in how Danny bottomed out, his hips flush against him, and how he hesitated there, like he never wanted to leave. He melted as Danny kissed over his neck, and as he squeezed around his lover’s cock he grinned when he felt him shiver from head to toe.

“Love you, I love you so much, I’ll never stop...” The words slipped from Danny’s lips as he began moving again, picking up his pace with hips that stuttered every time that Arin gripped him just that little bit tighter inside. The words knit something over Arin’s weary brain – like a blanket that fit snugly around the parts of him that had been so panicked at the beginning of the week.

“Don’t, don’t stop,” Arin begged on a gasp. The words only egged Danny on. He wrapped his arms around Arin, lifting him slightly off of the mattress; with their bodies pressed together, he could only pull an inch or two out of him, and he began to chase his release, their skin slapping together with the sudden rhythm he took. “Oh God-”

“Fucking beautiful,” Danny gritted out, his words shaking with the force of his thrusts.

It was everything. They were everything. Arin couldn’t hold back his litany of moans as he fixated every ounce of his focus on Danny – and he let out a sharp cry when he felt him come. His cock twitched inside of him, filling him up little by little, and Arin melted into the sheets, feeling utterly taken and desired and claimed-

“I’m a fucking selfish asshole,” Danny whispered barely a second after, not even tasting his afterglow before he lifted away just enough to shove between them and jerk Arin’s cock.

“D-don’t you fucking, don’t apologiz- shit…” Arin’s entire body began tingling, and he fought through it to speak. “I love this, I love you.”

“Couldn’t help myself.” Danny kissed him, still buried deep inside of him, his hand practically stripping his cock raw. “Needed you.”

And Arin had needed to be needed. He couldn’t verbalize it, not when he suddenly spilled in Danny’s hand with his name on his lips. Every part of him blurred into white hot pleasure, and he basked in it, trembling and gasping, until he slowly began to come down, right back into Danny’s arms.

“Jesus,” Arin whispered with a sleepy smile. “What the fuck, how am I supposed to go home tonight after that?”

“Don’t.” Danny lifted his head and watched him. “Don’t, just stay here. Text Suzy and let her know. Please.”

Never once had Danny practically begged for Arin to stay with him. He’d always smiled and kissed him and helped him get cleaned up and sent him home. Had he always wanted Arin to stay? Had he just been too afraid to ask?

“You sure?” Arin wiped what he realized with a shock was a tear track from Danny’s cheek.

Danny nodded. “Absolutely.”

After a long moment of drinking Danny in, Arin launched himself out of the sheets, falling straight onto his hands and knees, and Danny burst out laughing behind him as he scrambled to his feet. “You’re so stupid!” Danny called after him, and Arin grinned over his shoulder in good humor just before he disappeared into the living room to find his phone.

It was worth it. All the pain, all the fear, all the wondering and confusion. With Suzy’s sweet words of love, acceptance, and her invitation for him to have fun nestled in his mind, Arin crawled back into bed and wrapped every limb around Danny. He’d never take advantage of this feeling. He’d never forget it. He’d spend the rest of his life holding it close, as long as Danny held him just as tightly back.

#shipgrumps #polygrumps #egobang #polybomb #fanfic #filled commission #old wounds heal slowly

22 notes · View notes