#just trying to stock up some stuff from the medicine cabinet but hes like whatever im in and im out. but then his dad starts talking about

[allthatdivides2]

my brain telling me to go back to reading reddie fic 24/7 by making me dream about them last night

[kristoffsloveisntfragile]

Quarantine Love Story

Rating: T; Some swearing.

Word Count: 3,683

Pairing: Kristoff/Anna

Summary: Modern AU; Kristoff and Anna are roommates, and have been for 3 years. With them being stuck with each other in the same house for the past couple months, some things revealed themselves.

Notes: I started writing this in the beginning of quarantine, so some of the stuff in this may be a little outdated, but it still works I guess. I was worried that since it seemed like quarantine was going to end that this story wouldn’t work anymore, but you know, the world isn’t happening like that anymore, so we may be in quarantine for a while now. WEAR YOUR MASK AND WASH YOUR HANDS. ALSO BLACK LIVES STILL MATTER EVEN IF IT ISN’T TRENDING ANYMORE. DONATE, SIGN PETITION, SPEAK OUT. Thx, and enjoy the story :).

Day...Who knows anymore?

I write in my journal today wanting to write, but don’t really have anything to report. I think I’m keeping this journal in hopes someone finds this in the future and I become known as the modern Anne Frank. Seeming how we had similar experiences, stuck inside the same place, with the same people that I’m faced to see everyday. Every once in a while I see my sister, whether on facetime or she really wants to see me and comes over, and always gifts me with cadbury mini eggs...oof I’m even craving them now.

But besides that, I’ll go back to reality and wait until my roommate comes back with a bunch of groceries that were hopefully in stock. Until tomorrow, journal.

Anna set down her journal and pen and went back out to check if Kristoff came back from the store yet. When she saw that he wasn’t back, she grabbed a cup and poured the rest of her favorite juice in it. Since she couldn’t do much, she’s just been eating and drinking all of her snacks and drinks. She hoped he bought her more at the store.

When she heard his car pull up, she put her empty glass in the sink and ran outside to help him. She approached the back of the car, and saw that it was slowly opening, and also saw Kristoff getting out of the driver’s seat.

“Anything good still stocked?” She asked, then she truly saw how much stuff he got, and was genuinely shocked, “Wow,”

“Yep, the thing was the staff were restocking some products so I watched and waited a good 3-5 minutes after they were done to go for it. Probably took me a little longer than I wanted, but the outcome is great.”

Anna just started going in and taking some bags into the apartment, until she was stopped by his words, “Just don’t forget to wash your hands when you’re done,”

“Yeah, I will, don’t worry.” Anna kind of cut him off, and then continued back inside.

She couldn’t lie to herself, she was starting to get a little annoyed with Kristoff’s constant reminder to clean up after a day out.. She’s perfectly healthy, exercises on a sort-of daily basis; with them stuck inside her schedule has been off a little bit.

She just hoped she didn’t tick off Kristoff by cutting him off like that, she knows he’s just looking out for her, especially since they live together. Even before all of this, Kristoff was kind of a neat-freak, so she expected this to happen. I mean, after all, he did take her in when she really had nowhere else to go, since no place seemed right and she had just gone through a rough break up. Kristoff was a good friend and offered his place, for as long as she needed.

They brought in the rest of the bags and started unloading. She went into one bag, “Oh, yes! Thank you for getting the juice, I just drank the last of it.” Anna laughed, and then saw another bottle in the same bag, “Really? Vodka?”

Kristoff chuckled, “Hey, it was on sale, and we could all need some loosening up.” Kristoff smirked at Anna.

“I’m just surprised at the amount of people staying sober at this time.” Anna said.

After everything was put away, Anna went into the bathroom and washed her hands, as she promised, and hummed her favorite song. Not only to ensure she was washing for 20+ seconds, but she just liked to sing when she was doing mindless tasks. Kristoff went into the bathroom to retrieve something from the medicine cabinet, and admired her hummed voice. Once he was going around the apartment and doing his own things, he realized he was humming it too. He liked the song too, and couldn’t stop hearing it being sung in Anna’s voice. It was like entering heaven to him. He shook the thought out of his mind, and decided to really get his mind off of being cooped up in the apartment, so he went to the basement and worked out for a bit, enough to get some sweat out and his mind completely off of Anna.

~~~

A little while later, Anna had snuggled up on the couch as she usually does each night now, just starting the night with the 5th Harry Potter movie, Order of the Phoenix. Already comfortable with her blanket and her hot chocolate, Kristoff comes out of the bathroom from taking a shower after the exercise. He smiled when he saw Anna, so intently focused on the movie, but then he looked at the time.

“Starting the marathon rather late are we?” Kristoff passed by her to go to his room.

“Meh, I may only watch one tonight.” Anna said loud enough so Kristoff could hear her. He came back out with a cozy sweater on and sat on the other couch in the living room.

“That’s alright by me.” Kristoff got comfortable, and watched the movie with Anna.

The scene that was on was when Harry had detention with Professor Umbridge.

Harry stares into Dolores’ cold, dead eyes, trying to have a hint of sweetness. He wants to scream at her for what she had just done to his hand with the enchanted feather. But decided against it. Bad stuff has been happening already. “Nothing.”

“That’s right,” She whispers. “Cause you know, deep down...you deserve to be punished. Don’t you Mr.Potter?” She stares sinisterly at Harry.

Anna mumbles under her breath, “That bitch…” Kristoff laughs at her comment.

~~~

“You’re a really good teacher Harry.” Cho said, “I’ve never been able to stun anything before.” Cho looks up, a mistletoe starts forming above Harry and Cho’s head, she looks at Harry and whispers, “Mistletoe…”

Harry looks at Cho, “Probably full of nargles.” He says softly.

“What are nargles?”

“No idea.” Harry leans in to have his first kiss with Cho, alone in the Room of Requirement, sharing this moment together.

“You know, as a kid I didn’t like the idea of Cho and Harry getting together, but now they are kinda cute together…” Anna said, taking another sip of her hot chocolate that she made another cup of.

“Yeah, but then she totally rats them out about the Room of Requirement, and blows their chances by losing his trust.” Kristoff blatantly says.

“Uh, spoilers much?” Anna smirked.

“Oh come on, like you haven’t seen this whole series a thousand times.” Kristoff chuckled.

“Yeeeaaahhh but everytime I watch it likes I’m seeing it again for the first time.” Anna says.

Kristoff looks back and Harry Potter is explaining his first kiss to Herminoe and Ron, but his mind was still on the scene prior, how Harry had his first kiss and how happy he was to talk about it with his friends. Sure his friends (Herminoe) still found a way to see the hardships that Cho was going through, but Kristoff hoped whoever he’d end up with, his friends would be happy and only think of positives. 

He found that he was then looking at Anna. His subconscious knew that she was the one he was talking about, when he thought of who he would end up with.

‘Yeah, in your dreams Kristoff.’ His mind also thought. He shakes his head and gets up to get a drink and a snack.

He opened the cupboard where the alcohol is, and saw that it was already open. He didn’t realize Anna already got to it, since both times she made a cup of hot chocolate he wasn’t looking at her. But that still drove him to ask, “Did you already have some of the vodka?”

Anna looked over, then looked at her drink, and then took a sip, as if he just didn’t ask her a question.

He laughed, and made himself a vodka soda and got one of the snack pack puddings, an adult drink with a kid snack. Kristoff in a nutshell.

He returned to the movie and kinda kept an eye on Anna, seeing if he can tell if she was getting more drunk as the night went on.

~~~

“Do you want any help finding them?” Harry asked Luna, wanting to help find her stuff that people took. Luna smiles and shakes her head, she would be fine on her own.

Her expression falls as she says, “I’m sorry about your Godfather Harry…” She reaches out her hand and takes Harry’s. He is shocked and looks at the contact between them, and looks back up to meet Luna’s eyes. They let go of each other.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help looking?” Harry asks again.

“That’s alright. Anyway, my mom always said, ‘the things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end’.” Her gaze wanders, and she sees her shoes hung from the archway, and Harry follows her gaze. “If not always in the ways we expect... Think I’ll go have some pudding.” She turns and skips away toward the Dining Hall, and Harry looks back at the shoes. He takes the lessons he just learned to heart. He did a quick smirk to himself.

“oH my gOd pudding would be amazing right now!” Anna says a little too loudly and abruptly, startling Kristoff a little bit, but he laughs it off. 

“There’s still some snack packs, want me to go grab you one?”

“That, would be great thanksssssss” Anna leans off the side of the couch and smiles with her eyes closed at Kristoff, as he gets up and gets another pack for him and one for Anna.

The rest of the movie finishes and Anna is smiling hard as ever. Order of the Phoenix is one of her favorite movies because of the ending lesson, ‘something worth fighting for’. 

“Wooo! God I love that movie.” She looked at the time on her phone, “Ahh, couldn’t hurt to watch one more right?”

Kristoff huffed, “Whatever you want, princess.” He calls her that when he didn’t care what she did, just so long it wasn’t illegal.

She hopped up from the couch, trying to keep her balance, as the alcohol is definitely starting to settle into her. She took out Order of the Phoenix, and put in Half-Blood Prince and sat back down. Kristoff saw how cozy and comfortable Anna looked, with her blanket and big sweater. How he wished he could just snuggle up with her, but that would seem inappropriate, so he just went to his room and got one pillow and a small blanket, actually it was the one Anna gave to Kristoff last Christmas, the first one they really spent together.

Kristoff set up his stuff on the couch and Anna remarked, “Are you gonna sleep out here tonight or what?” She huffed a drunken laugh.

“Nah, if we’re gonna watch another movie I might as well be comfortable.” He looked over at her, and again she was slumped over the side, as she found some comfort in that. “Plus, what if you end up passing out and I gotta clean up everything?”

“I won’t pass out, I’m not that drunk.” Some seriousness poked through. “Besides, you’ll fall asleep before me, you always do when watching movies.”

“Not when I have my vodka soda.” He raised his glass to his lips and gave a cheeky look to her. “You know that. By that rate, at my second one, I won’t fall asleep until I hit my head on my actual bed.”

She mocked his words and started the movie.

~~~

Some point during the movie, in one of the quiet parts, Kristoff noticed that Anna shivered, and her eyes got droopy. 

“Anna, you good?”

“Yeah, just got chilly-y, all of a sudden.” 

“Are you sick or something? Are you sure you feel okay?” Kristoff jumped up and put his hand to her forehead.

She laughed and swiped his hand away. “Trust me, I’m fine. Is like the window open or something? They said it was going to get cold tonight.”

Kristoff looked around the living room and as it turns out, there was the window open, one of the bigger ones in the room, causing cold air to get in. “See? Told you.” Anna says.

“Sorry, I’ve just been getting more paranoid lately. You never know.” He gets up to shut the window.

“Yeah, but even I knew that the cold air was making me cold, not the virus that I could’ve contracted. Which I didn’t. I’m certain. I’m healthy and fine, and have barely been in contact with anything or anyone.”

“I know..It’s just...you never know…” He quietly said as he went back to his seat on the other couch.

“But I do! Don’t you trust my word?”

“Of course I trust you! It’s just I…” Kristoff didn’t want to say it. He was trying to just get past it. But Anna wouldn’t let up.

“What? You what?” Anna persisted.

“I just care about you too much okay?!” Kristoff blurted out and looked at Anna with wide eyes. But immediately took them back and sank into the couch, trying to glue his eyes to the TV. Hoping she would take it not in the way he meant it.

“You...care about me?” Anna was taken back a little.

“I mean. You’re my roommate. To a degree I have to care about your well being.” Kristoff tried to distract from the actual fact that Kristoff liked Anna. Like, really liked her.

“No...that’s not what you mean.” Anna said, almost in a whisper. 

“Look don’t read into it too much, I just meant…” Kristoff stopped when he looked at Anna to finally make eye contact with her, but that’s when he noticed a small smile started to creep up on her face.

Dammit… She knows...But, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

“Kristoff, I…” She started to say.

“Don’t...just…” Kristoff tried to keep brushing it off.

“I know what you mean, though.” Anna shifted on the couch to fully face him, setting down her mug.

Kristoff looked at her, for what felt like forever. There was just silence. 

“Kristoff...do you..” Anna started to say, but then was cut off by Kristoff.

“Look, I don’t want to talk about it. We’re roommates, that’s all.” He got up and went to his room, shutting the door. Not too loudly, he wasn’t mad or anything, just embarrassed.

If at all he was ever going to admit his feelings for Anna, this isn’t the way he imagined it. He laid on his bed, with one pillow and blanket missing, and tried to just get past the moment. He was certain she wasn’t feeling the same things as he did. 

It took a couple minutes but Anna knocked on Kristoff’s door. He looked at the door, he decided not to say anything, and just laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. 

“Kristoff?..” Anna said quietly. “I know you’re still awake. I also know you can’t sleep with the lights on.” 

Kristoff sighed. “You already know it’s open too.” He shut his eyes tight to make sure it was all real.

He heard the door creak open and he looked to his right, and saw Anna slowly walk in. When the door was half open, she just stood there holding the doorknob. “Yeah, but that doesn’t always mean I’m invited in.” She said, looking a little hurt.

“Of course you’re invited in, you’re my roommate.” He sat up and waved his hand for her to come in more.

Anna went to the edge of the bed and sat on the very edge, to where it looked like she was going to fall off. 

“You’re making it seem like I’m mad at you.” Kristoff said.

“Well, are you?” Anna barely looked into his eyes.

“No of course not. How can I ever be mad at you?” Kristoff said. 

“Well…” Anna adjusted herself to sit better. “How long have you..?”

Kristoff sighed. “Well...first of all I never said anything about liking you.” Anna laughed a little at that. “And second...God, I don’t even remember anymore. It’s been a while. On and off.”

“Why? Why on and off?” 

“Because you always showed interest in other guys, not me. Or, if you did you did very well to hide it.” Kristoff managed to crack a smile. 

“Well, yeah I guess.” Anna mumbled and looked down at her hands, as she was nervously playing with them.

“There just never seemed like the right time. I mean hell, I took you in when you had nowhere else to go because of that jerk, um.. Lars?”

She scoffed, “Hans..”

“Whatever. I wanted to be there for you and comfort you, but at the same time, I was afraid I would fall hard way too soon, and you needed the space too, so...I don’t know what I’m even saying anymore.” Kristoff backed off from trying to explain his feelings.

“Wait, so, you’ve liked me, since I moved in? That was like, 3 years ago. Multiple relationships between us have come and gone, and...you still had interest in me this whole time?” Anna asked.

“Well...yeah.” Kristoff managed to get out.

Anna smiled, but didn’t know what else to say. So didn’t Kristoff, especially since she hasn’t admitted her feelings, he was just there going about his feelings, feeling like an idiot. So there was just silence between them.

Anna finally thought of something to say. “You know. Since I’ve been here so long with you, I’ve gotten comfortable with you. Like the first time I really had a nightmare, I stayed out in the living room, and then you came out and hugged me until I felt comfortable. After that, if I had a nightmare, I would just come in here and tell you that I need comfort. And you didn’t hesitate to do that. And there’s many more things that I was willing to do because I felt more closer and connected with you. Like tonight. I almost asked if you wanted to just sit on the same couch as I was on. But I felt that was taking it too far...and many more things too because we both had a relationship at one point or another. So I guess what I’m saying is...it’s back on for me. And it has been for a while.”

That last part got Kristoff’s attention. Did she just admit her feelings?

“You mean…?” Kristoff asked.

“I like you too Kristoff.” She finally said.

Kristoff couldn’t contain his smile. 

“Does that smile mean you feel the same way?” 

“Of course it does Anna. Like I said, I care about you. And like you predicted, I’m head over heels for you.” 

She quickly crawled over to him and gave him a hug. The weird thing was, is that there was no weird feeling. It all felt so right for them. Like they belonged together. 

They parted to look at each other. Kristoff did immediately feel bad for something though.

“Look, I’m sorry if I seemed very over protective of you. It’s just with everything going on…”

“I know. It’s okay. I get why, and sorry if I did seem annoyed on the outside, on the inside it felt heartwarming knowing that someone was concerned on that level. Like yeah Elsa asks if I’m okay, and I get a couple texts from other people, but...well I guess all those people can’t be too protective because they don’t live with me like you do, so a text is the next best thing to check up on someone-”

“Wow, I forgot how much you like to ramble-”

Already 2 minutes into this relationship and Anna smacks him playfully for his comment.

“Hey! I think it’s adorable, is what I was going to say.” Kristoff smiled again. So did Anna once she realized it was a compliment he was paying her.

They just sat in each other's arms for a bit, basking in the fact that they were a thing now. After 3 years of living together, and the past few months of being cooped up together, it finally happened. Anna finally piped up to say something.

“Well...now you know that I’m perfectly fine, do you mind if I..” Anna asked, almost scared to say the ending of her sentence.

“If you kiss me?” Kristoff said, finishing her sentence, and then gently laughed. “You know, I was thinking the same thing.” He looked deep into her eyes and leaned toward her. She accepted his lips as they pressed into hers. They both smiled into each other. 

She hummed her excitement as they parted. Anna’s eyes were closed as she smiled. Kristoff laughed again at her dopey-looking face. 

“What do you say we watch the rest of Harry Potter on the same couch?” Kristoff asked her.

“Okay, now you read my mind.” Anna managed to get out of Kristoff’s embrace, but grabbed his hand and led him to the living room. Anna was not afraid to get touchy and close to him, and neither was he. Kristoff grabbed Anna’s waist and slightly picked her up and he plopped on the couch with Anna landing on top of him. They got comfortable, with Anna’s big blanket covering them both, they picked up where they left off with the movie, and just enjoyed each other for the rest of the movie, until they eventually fell asleep.

Kristoff did wake up because of the fact that Anna was moving and mumbling as she was sleeping. It took him a second to wake up, then he picked her up and brought her to his room. He got her and himself comfortable, and went back to sleep with her in his arms.

~Morning After~

Day Whatever of Quarantine

Oh. My. God. Journal, you have no idea what I’m about to tell you. And it’s good. So good, my hand will be hurting after this entry...

[biillyhargroves]

Hiiiii!!! Ummm for the sick prompt: Person A readjusts their whole schedule so they can take care of Person B. Person B tries to convince them the gesture is too much, but they are unsuccessful. Billy and Steve?? Whichever one you think is which. ♥️

one way conversation(fic requests open)

“Hey.” Steve waves his hand in Robin’s general direction, though with his back to her his aim is a bit off and he winds up the magazine that she is trying, in vain, to read. “Hey,” Steve says again. He is sitting up right in a lounge chair and straining to see the lifeguard stand. “Does Billy look…off to you?”

“I don’t know,” Robin says, annoyed. She slaps her magazine closed over her legs and looks over the edge of her sunglasses at Steve. “I don’t look at him nearly as much as you do.”

“I don’t mean-” Steve starts, and then he sighs. “Look at him. He looks like-”

“-the sun’s in his eyes and he's been screaming a bunch of bratty kids for an hour?”

“I’m serious,” Steve says.

“If you think something’s wrong, why don’t you, oh, I don’t know…” Robin makes a big show of thinking: she taps her chin, hums loud and long, furrows her brow. Then, her eyes go wide as she tears her off sunglasses and leans in toward Steve. “Ask him.” She flops back against the chair. “Isn’t that why we’re here?” she asks. “Because you two honeymooners go mad when you spend a few hours apart?” 

“Shut up,” Steve groans. 

“He’s coming down,” Robin says. “Swoop in before those PTA cougars spot him.”

“Very funny,” Steve says. 

“I think so, too.” Robin snaps her magazine open. “Go talk to your man, dingus.” 

Steve opens his mouth to retort, but Robin has returned to reading. Again, Steve sighs. He watches Billy cross the pool deck, watches the small band of suburban moms watch him go. He tries to figure out if Billy’s back looks more tense than unusual, or if his gait seems off. When Billy disappears into the dark locker room, Steve rises. 

“Billy?” he calls when he makes it to the locker room. It is dark inside, and quiet save for the spray from a shower head around the corner. Steve follows the sound calling, “Billy? That you?” The hall is long and empty. Billy’s shadow falls across the floor from one of the concrete shower stalls at the far end of the room. Steve approaches slowly, and he nears the stall he finds Billy standing with his back to the room and his hands braced against the wall. He is breathing heavily, his head down, the water flowing over his hair and down the back of his neck. “Hey,” Steve says.

Billy startles. He whips around and stumbles when he does. Steve tries to catch him, but Billy scrambles backwards. His back hits the shower wall and he huffs out a sigh. He shakes his head, combs his hair from his face, blinks a few times and when his eyes lands on Steve he rolls back his shoulders and straightens his spine. 

“What are you doing?” Billy asks, an edge to his voice. “I thought-”

“You sounded weird on the phone,” Steve admits. “I just wanted to check on you.”

Billy makes a sort of humming, sort of grunting sound at the back of his throat, but says nothing. He hands his head. His posture sags. When Steve touches his arm, he tenses. 

“You okay?” Steve asks. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Billy asks gruffly. He shrugs Steve’s hand off his shoulder and pushes off the wall. He shuts off the water, grabs a towel from a metal hook on the wall and uses it to dry his face. He shoves past Steve and starts down the hall, and Steve, confused, follows after him. 

“You just seem-” he starts, and then says, “I mean-”, and then, “you looked like-”

“Spit it out, Harrington,” says Billy. He opens his locker with one hand; tosses his towel into a glorified laundry basket in the corner of the room; roots in his duffel bag until he finds a shirt. He does this all with his back to Steve, only turning around once he’s gotten his shirt over his head. He hesitates a moment, though, and he leans back against the bank of lockers with eyes to the floor. He seems to be collecting himself, or catching his breath, and Steve’s brow creases his concern.

“Hey,” he says, reaching for Billy once again. Billy jerks away. “Would you stop?” Steve says a bit more aggressively then he’d planned. His tone doesn’t quiet go over well with Billy, who tries to smack him away when Steve advances. Billy’s back hits the lockers again, and this time Steve gets a grip on his arm to stead him. “Just take it easy, okay?” Steve says. “You don’t look good.”

“Asshole,” Billy grumbles.

“Look at me,” Steve tells him. Billy doesn’t so Steve ducks down to see his face. His skin is flushed and red, and it is warm to the touch when Steve touches Billy’s cheek. 

“Get off,” Billy says. He swats at Steve’s hand but fails to shoo him away. 

“You feel feverish,” Steve says.

“I sit in the sun for a living,” Billy sighs. He lifts his head and, with an exasperated sigh, leans it back against the lockers. A shiver runs down his spine. He attempts to hide it by tensing every muscle in his body, as if this is enough to hold himself still. He swallows thickly and looks at Steve through half-lidded eyes. “Remember?”

“You can barely stand,” Steve says, frowning. “You could have that flu that’s going around.”

“I’m fine, mom,” Billy insists. 

“I’m gonna get Robin to cover my shift,” Steve says, effective ignoring him. 

“You don’t have to,” Billy says quietly. 

“Is anyone at your place?” Steve says, still talking over him. “My parents are leaving tonight, I think. You can crash for the weekend, but for now I can take you home.”

“Steve,” Billy says, but Steve seems to be deaf to his words. He nudges Billy to the side and tugs Billy’s bag from his locker. He finds a water bottle inside and hands it to Billy, who tries and fails to refuse it. He makes sure all of Billy’s things are securely inside before zipping it up.

“I’ll pick up some stuff,” he says. “I think we have the basics. The medicine cabinet is usually stocked. But I’ll grab you some soup or something. Do you feel nauseous?”“You don’t have to-”

“I can rent a movie,” Steve offers. “You’ve been wanting to see that, um…shit, what was it?”

“Steve,” Billy says.

“I’m gonna go tell Robin I’m taking off,” Steve says. “And I’ll call Dustin, tell him I can’t drive him tomorrow. He’s got a bike. He can be his own ride.”

“Steve-”

“Billy,” Steve says, and he gently rests a hand on Billy’s chest. Billy’s brow creases as he raises his eyes to Steve’s. “I know,” Steve says. “I don’t have to. And I know that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. You make that pretty damn clear basically every damn day. Okay? I get it. But I want to take care of you.”

“Steve.”

“No,” Steve says firmly. “You’re sick, and I’m taking care of you. End of story.”

“Do I get a fucking say?” Billy asks. Steve pretends to consider this.

“No,” he says flatly. “You get a few hours to yourself before my parents leave. I’ll cancel whatever I have to cancel-”

“You don’t have-”

“I want to.” Steve says. “And the longer you fight me, the longer you get to stand here feeling miserable. And don’t tell me that you’re not miserable, because I’m looking right at you. So you’re going to be stuck with me until you’re better. Okay?”

Billy closes his eyes. He swallows thickly, licks his lips- which Steve is just now realizing are dry and slightly cracked -and he sighs a heavy sigh. “Fine,” he says. Steve gives him a small smile. With one brief glance to the door to make sure they are alone, he gently tucks Billy’s hair behind Billy’s ear and stamps a quick kiss to his forehead. 

“Give me a minute,” he tells him. “I’ll be right back.”

[mamabearcat]

First Impressions

Yesterday, I reblogged this long post that gave heaps of examples of people being nice humans to each other, despite their outward appearance. And the last paragraph, where a girl with a cold goes to convenience store and has a chat to a friendly giant of a man, just struck a chord. And then this inukag oneshot happened.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Kagome cracked open one eye, clutching the blanket tighter around her as she shivered. She really shouldn’t be surprised. All day yesterday she’d been feeling like crap. She’d put it down to the stress of moving into a new place, but nope. She had a cold. And probably not just a sniffle considering she was both shivering and sweating. She swallowed, then wished she hadn’t – it felt like she had a golf ball lodged in her throat. A golf ball covered in broken glass, serrated knives and acid.

“Sangoooo?” she moaned pitifully, not wanting to move from her balled-up position under the covers. No answer. Then she remembered. Sango had gone out last night, after failing to coax Kagome to come out and meet her friends for their regular Friday night drinks at the pub. Kagome had taken a rain check, feeling exhausted after moving all her stuff into Sango’s apartment and had just wanted an early night.

Come to think of it, she hadn’t heard Sango come in last night. Surely, she should be back home by now? She pushed one arm out of her blanket cocoon, patting the bedside table to find her phone with shaky fingers, then pulled it back inside, squinting at the brightness of the small screen with scratchy dry eyes.

She had three missed texts from Sango.

Kagomeee! If you change your mind hon, we’re at the pub a couple of blocks down – Three Blind Mice. Come out and drink with us! Me and ma boys! We gotta celebrate you moving in! Don’t be a party pooper!

Are you coming?! C’mon, we’re going dancing! You love to dance!

Gon crash at Mirokuuus. Bit tipssdfy. lOve ouup Kagsssss xxxxxxxxxdsklfsx

Kagome snorted. On the upside, it looked like she wouldn’t be the only one feeling like crap this morning. On the downside, it meant she had to fend for herself. She lay there feeling pathetic. Tried whimpering a little to see if it made her feel better. It didn’t. She wished that a glass of water would miraculously appear on her bedside table, complete with flu medication and a box of tissues. It didn’t. She tried engaging her usually happy go lucky personality. C’mon Kagome! Buck up, it’s just a virus. You’re not actually dying. Lots of people have it worse off than you… probably.

Finally, she dragged her sorry self out of bed, shivering as her feet met the cold wooden floor. Note to self. Buy slippers. She had no idea where any medicine she owned might be in her half-unpacked boxes of possessions, so she dragged herself into the bathroom and opened the mirrored cabinet to see if Sango had any. Lots of eyeshadow. Eye make up remover. Some nail polish that looked like it had gone a bit clumpy. Some bedraggled looking fake eyelashes that had seen better days. But no medication. Not even a cough drop. Note to self. Buy the entire contents of a pharmacy.

She shut the door of the cabinet and recoiled at her own reflection. Gah, she looked disgusting. Her face looked deathly pale framed by her blue-black hair, which seemed to look greasy and lank, even though she’d washed it yesterday. Nose and ears bright red. Blue eyes now watery. Even her lips looked chapped.

“Uuuungh”, she moaned, and wished she hadn’t as the demon that had taken up residence in her throat commenced merrily stabbing her with a pitchfork without restraint. She leaned her head forward on the cabinet with a dull thud. There was nothing for it. She was going to have to go outside and engage in conversation with actual people to buy something to make her feel human. Dammit.

Trudging through the snow wearing her only pair of tracksuit pants, her only pair of boots, nearly every shirt she owned and Sango’s puffy jacket that she’d pilfered from the hall closet, Kagome was bitterly regretting her decision to move to New York from California in late autumn. Who does that? Her joy at finally being able to move in with her best friend Sango after securing the job of her dreams in New York was definitely being overshadowed by her physical misery at the moment. Her shivers were reaching the proportion of actual earthquake tremors, and the cold air was making her throat feel even worse. She hunched her shoulders against the cold wind, both hands shoved in the pockets in an attempt at keeping them warm. Note to self. Buy a woolly hat. And gloves. And a scarf. A trickle of dampness invaded her suede boots, which were very cute, but obviously not waterproof. And new boots.

A small eddy of frozen air whistled around her, the cold breeze managing to poke it’s frozen fingers down the back of her neck. She whimpered, and then made a determined face. C’mon Kagome. Think of the pioneers. They didn’t have puffy jackets, and they survived. Mostly. She’d been walking for twenty minutes and she still hadn’t found somewhere that sold over the counter cold medicine. Now she’d settle for just Tylenol, anything to dull the pain in her throat and the increasing thump in her head.

She spotted a convenience store on the corner and decided this was it. Whatever they had would be good enough until Sango got home. She shuffled in the door, scrubbing the snow off her boots on the mat and swiftly closing the door behind her. She could have wept in relief. It was warm in here.

Her ears were burning with the cold, and she wished she’d had the sense to buy more cold weather clothes before she moved. She was pretty sure her boots were going to be ruined, her socks were soggy and freezing. It was only mid-November, she didn’t think it would be snowing already, but apparently according to the weatherman, she’d moved in the middle of some freak early cold front. Figures.

Rubbing her ears gently to try and defrost them, she walked over to the shelves that had looked like they had medication stocked on them, glancing at the guy standing behind the counter. She stopped. Wow.

He was tall, really tall. And muscular. The red flannel shirt he was wearing did nothing to disguise the width of his shoulders. But what really made him stand out was the long silver hair, pulled back at the nape of his neck. And… omg, were they puppy ears?! Kagome nearly squeaked. She’d only met a few demons in San Diego where she’d previously lived, mostly ones that had an affinity with water, seeing there were so many jobs available that centred around the fishing industry. She’d never seen anyone like him before. One pointed white ear twitched, obviously listening. Gah, so cute!

Kagome realised she had been blatantly staring when he turned his piercing amber eyes her way, his expression a little stern, and she quickly whipped her gaze to the shelves in front of her, cheeks burning with more than the cold. Focus Kagome! Don’t bother the nice demon. So what if he’s the most spectacularly beautiful person you’ve ever seen. She picked up some Tylenol, then grabbed a basket and trailed around the little store. There wasn’t a huge amount to choose from, but she added a couple of bottles of Gatorade. That would have to do.

She approached the counter with some trepidation. At 5’2”, she knew she wasn’t the tallest person around, but next to this guy she felt miniscule. A tiny pathetic, wet kitten sized ball of sickness. He was leaning back against the wall with his eyes closed and arms crossed, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but this convenience store, and she couldn’t really blame him. She’d done her time working in customer service and it sucked. She quietly put her items down on the counter.

“Um, excuse me?” Ouch. She almost whimpered at the ripping feeling in her throat as she spoke.

He turned towards her, uncrossing his arms, his amber eyes almost seeming to possess their own glow.

“Hey, you okay? You really don’t sound so good.” His voice was like melted honey, a rich baritone, and the gaze of those golden eyes was focused directly on her. A double whammy that had Kagome feeling a little weak in the knees. Usually she would have brushed off a stranger with a bland ‘I’m fine’, but something about that voice and the concern in those amber eyes made her tell the truth.

“Not so good. I woke up with a sore throat; I think I’m coming down with the flu.”

He looked her over and Kagome felt like a deer caught in the headlights, mesmerised. Like she’d accidentally come in contact with some ancient demigod doing his best to blend into modern society by wearing a flannel shirt and jeans and failing miserably because he was just too goddamned beautiful. She tried to get her shivering under control, so she didn’t look quite as pathetic as she felt, but that seemed to make it even worse.

“Have you eaten anything today?”

Kagome shook her head, unwilling at this point to speak and risk more punishment from her throat. His throat rumbled; it was an obvious reproach, a resonating grumbling growl that woke up tiny butterflies in Kagome’s insides.

“You need to eat if you’re sick. Would ya like a chicken sandwich? They’re warm, and they’re pretty delicious.”

Kagome’s stomach spoke for her as if on cue, and he grinned at her, a sharp fang poking over his lip, the golden eyes squinting in amusement. Her cheeks heated even more, and the butterflies turned somersaults in her stomach and woke up their friends.

“I guess that’s a yes then.”

Kagome nodded again, gripping the edge of the counter for support. She wasn’t sure if it was the flu or the aura of the man in front of her, but she was feeling a little light-headed. She watched as he carefully wrapped up the hot chicken sandwich and scanned her other items, placing them all gently in a bag, handing it to her after she’d paid.

“You be careful out there, okay? The slush on the corners can be really slippery after it’s stopped snowing. Have you got far to walk?”

Kagome shrugged. “Not too far”, she tried to say, but all that came out was a creaky whisper. Great, now her voice was disappearing altogether. She swallowed with an effort. “Thankyou.”

She opened the door and stepped back out into the cold, and the wind seemed to cut into her like a knife. She smothered a small whimper and began trudging away from the store, hunching her shoulders in an effort to keep the small amount of warmth leftover from being inside still had safe, when a sudden hand on her shoulder made her freeze.

She turned, only to see the dog-eared demon from the store. With a bright red woollen beanie in his hands. Which he suddenly plonked down on her head.

“Ya know, only an idiot would be going out in out in weather like this without a hat, especially if they’re sick”, he said conversationally, tugging down the edges to make sure her ears were covered.

Kagome stared at him open mouthed.

“Either you’re an idiot, or you’re delirious. Which is it?” He placed a hand on her forehead, checking her temperature. “Dammit, girl, you’re burnin’ up! I was just jokin’ with the delirious crack, but maybe you really are!” He stared at her seriously for a moment, then seemed to come to a decision. He poked his head into the store, hollered that he was leaving for the day, grabbing a jacket and a scarf that was near the front door, then walked back to her side.

“C’mon, I’m walkin’ you home”, he said, shrugging on the jacket. “You said you didn’t have far to walk, right? Can’t be good for business to lose a local customer.”

Kagome looked at him uncertainly. He certainly didn’t look like a serial killer, but she got the impression that most serial killers didn’t go about announcing their intentions either. And he’d seen that she didn’t have much money – she’d dumped the fistful of change on the counter when she’d bought stuff, with only a dollar or two to spare. What if he were some kind of pervert?

While she was trying to make a decision, he commenced winding the scarf around her neck gently, tucking the ends in her jacket. He must have noticed the hesitation in her gaze, because he took a step backwards out of her personal space.

“Hey, I promise I’m not tryin’ to take advantage of ya. I’m not that kinda guy. And even if I was, which I promise I ain’t, you really look terrible at the moment.”

Kagome glared at him. That may be true, but he didn’t have to be an asshole and actually tell her. She was tempted to rip of the scarf and hat and stomp home, but her ears had only just begun to thaw out. And to tell the truth, she was feeling so ill that she was actually beginning to wonder if she would actually make it home, stomping or otherwise.

The dog demon clicked his fingers, and Kagome noticed the long pointed nails at the ends of his fingers. “I know. What if I call a friend of mine? To vouch for me. She’s the type a girl to tell it to you straight.” He dug into his jeans pocket and pulled out a phone and dialled a number.

“Hey Sango”. Kagome’s eyes rounded in surprise as she watched him speak on the phone. He sniggered. “You sound terrible… Yeah sorry to wake you. Actually no I’m not… That’s what you get for listenin’ to Miroku – I thought you were smart. Anyway, I want you to speak to a girl I’m gonna walk home, let her know I’m trustworthy… Shut. Up. Not like that! Okay, thanks… wait, what? Oh, I dunno, guess I’d better ask huh?”

He turned to Kagome. “Sorry, just realised that I never asked your name.” He bent his head down so he’d be able to hear her soft voice over the wind whistling around them in the narrow street.

“It’s Kagome”, she whispered, almost giggling as the demon’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Wait, you’re Kagome?! Sango’s new flatmate?” Kagome nodded, shivering violently as another breeze whistled around the corner, and he the golden eyes narrowed in concern. “Shit, we’d better get you outta the wind and home before you get any sicker.” He turned his attention back to Sango on the phone. “Hey Sango, it’s Kagome. She’s actually sick, she’s lost her voice – I was gonna walk her home because she looks terrible. Can you talk to her, let her know I’m okay?”

He handed the phone to Kagome. “Here, listen to Sango for a sec.”

“Kagome?” said Sango, “is that you?” Kagome made an incoherent creaking sound. “Oh, hon I’m so sorry you’re not well and I wasn’t there this morning. Listen, let Inuyasha walk you home. He’s one of my best friends – you would have met him last night if you’d come out with us. He may look grumpy, but he’s just got resting bitch face – he’s actually a sweetheart when you get to know him. I’m gonna have a shower here and I’ll be home in an hour or two, okay? Love you!”

Kagome handed back the phone. “What the hell Sango? Resting bitch face?” he grumbled into the phone. “Yeah right, sure, when hell freezes over. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her. See ya later.”

The walk home ended up being a bit of a blur to Kagome. She was sure she was actually leaning on Inuyasha at one point, and he may have piggy backed her up the stairs. They finally made it back to the apartment, and after he’d taken the key from her shaking fingers and opened the door, he insisted she take some Tylenol straight away and have a shower to try and warm up.

The warm water burned at first against her frozen skin, but finally she managed to thaw out. The medication must have started working because the thumping in her head had decreased from kettle drum sized down to a small set of bongos, and her shivering had almost stopped.

When she tottered back out to the lounge room, dressed in her pj’s and thick socks with her quilt wrapped around her, dragging on the floor behind her like a royal train, she found Inuyasha waiting with two bowls of instant ramen.

“Hey Kagome.” He examined her carefully, then smiled, holding out a bowl to her. “You’re actually lookin’ a little better, but you still need to eat somethin’. I put your chicken sandwich in the fridge for later, but I thought this might be a little easier on your throat. If you can’t eat the noodles, at least drink the broth.”

Kagome plonked herself down on the sofa across from Inuyasha and reached out for the bowl and chopsticks, breathing in the steam and wrapping her hands around the warm of the bowl. She smiled at him gratefully. “Thanks Inuyasha”, she whispered. “How did you know that I love instant ramen. Did Sango tell you?”

Inuyasha shook his head and returned her smile with a toothy grin, picking up his chopsticks and watching as she greedily slurped the noodles from her quilt cocoon. “Nuh, she didn’t. But it looks like you and I are gonna get along just fine.”

[shownuslaugh]

They’ll Understand

Series: Monsta X 8th Member AU

Pairing: M.I/I.M

2020

             Changkyun can’t say that he’s never seen his twin like this before because he has. She’s the sensitive one out of the two of them. The one prone to depression. The one who seems to take on the emotions of everyone else. Their mother used to say she would never survive in the world like that. Changkyun would argue, telling anyone who would listen that not only would Chanmi make it, she would thrive. Now… now he worries he was dead wrong.

             “Chanmi, you said you wouldn’t do this anymore.” He yanks her arms closer to him for further inspection. The cuts are fairly superficial, but still deep enough that he can trace his thumb over the wounds and smear blood across her skin like some southern gothic painting.

             She pulls her arms away, shoving him back. “Don’t touch me!”

             “I’m just trying to help you! Don’t get mad at me because you’re mad at yourself.” Changkyun takes her arms again, pulling her into the bathroom adjoined to their bedroom. He rummages around in the cabinet under the sink for a minute before producing a well-stocked first aid kit. When he sets to work on cleaning the cuts, Chanmi flinches. The alcohol soaked cotton ball stings worse than the blade had.

             “What happened?” He asks her.

             Chanmi shrugs and says, “I don’t know” because she really doesn’t. One second she was fine. The next she wasn’t. One second she was watching old Super Junior performances and the next second she was watching red color her arms.

             “It’s getting bad again, isn’t it?” Changkyun brushes the hair out of his eyes as he speaks. If there’s one thing in this world he knows better than anything else, it’s Chanmi. He knows her habits, her thoughts, her patterns. He can sense things about her no one else can. Not even Hoseok. Not even Kihyun.

             “What if I said it never got better?” Chanmi tugs her sleeves down when Changkyun puts the last band aid on her arm.

             “I would call bullshit. Did you quit taking your meds?”

             Chanmi thinks of the half full bottle of anti-depressants she has shoved in the back of her underwear drawer so prying eyes can’t find it. She had indeed quit taking them, but it was only because she was better. She had Gunhee, she had her friends, and she had her music. Everything was great.

             “Channie, we’ve been over this.” Changkyun sighs, bending down to throw the first aid kit back in the cabinet haphazardly. “Even the doctor’s told you, you can’t just quit taking your meds because you think your better. Depression is-”

             “A chemical deficiency,” Chanmi finishes. “I know, I know. I just… I want to be normal, Changkyun. I want to feel normal. Without medicine.”

             “I know.”

             “And it just… is fucking sucks that I can’t do anything without those stupid fucking pills! I don’t want them! I didn’t ask for this!”

             “I know!”

             “Jooheon’s right, you know? I’m pathetic. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m just weighing the band down and keeping y’all from doing better. That’s why the fans hate me. They see how selfish and sorry-”

             “Will you shut up already?” Changkyun grabs her by the sleeve. She knocks into him unexpectedly, tears staining the shoulder of his hoodie. “Chanmi, no one hates you. Least of all Jooheon. He just… he doesn’t know how to deal with stuff and takes it out on you.”

             “He slept with me,” she admits in a panicked rush. “At that party while we were on tour. We had sex and I… I wish I could take it back.”

             He pets her hair gently, trying his best to stay calm and not rush off to bash Jooheon’s face in for touching his sister. “Why?”

             “Because I made such a slut of myself, and for what? Some bastard that doesn’t give a fuck about me or my feelings? I feel so dirty every time I think about it. Who does fucks someone that hates them? Who does that?”

             Changkyun so wants to admit everything. Every dirty little secret of Jooheon’s he’s been hiding, he just want to scream in Chanmi’s face because she’s hurting. She’s hurting so deeply that Changkyun is honestly a bit afraid.

             “I don’t want to be here anymore,” Chanmi says with a quivering lower lip.

             “Here like here in the group?” Even as he says it, he knows that’s not what she meant. “Chanmi… you know all of us adore you, right? You’re our sister… but you should leave.”

             Chanmi looks up at him with wide eyes. “What?!”

             “Go home, please. Get some rest and get the hell away from all of this. I’ve never wanted to have this life without you, but I’d rather have you alive and away from me than keep you here and watch you suffer.”

             She shakes her head. “No. No, I’m not leaving!”

             “Chanmi-”

             “No! I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to leave! I don’t-”

             He doesn’t say a word as she starts crying again. He just says, “okay, okay” over and over until she calms down enough to have a conversation. Chanmi has always been the delicate one. She’s always taken everything to heart and let it wear her down. If he’s being totally honest with himself and with her, he doesn’t know how to help her this time. She’s in some unreachable place. It’s terrifying and Changkyun hates how helpless he feels with the realization.

             “Chanmi, none of us think less of you for whatever went down between you and Jooheon, I promise. Whatever you think of yourself isn’t what we think of you. I know it’s hard to see that, but please, please trust me.” He holds her tighter, scared she’ll slip away. “Please.”

             She clings to her brother just like they did when they were younger and all the bigger kids were making fun of her accent. Or when she found out the neighbor girls were just using her to try and get close to her brother. Or when she broke up with Youngjae because she got scared he would see what a mess she is and realize he can do better. Or when their manager would yell at them for making a mistake until Chanmi was a shaking mess.

             “Maybe you’re right,” Chanmi finally says. “Maybe I should take a break.”

             Changkyun breathes a sigh of relief, feeling the weight slip off his shoulders. “Why don’t you go stay with Soyou noona for a while? Or even Hyorin noona? Didn’t both of them ask you to visit more often?”

             Chanmi nods. “I think… I think I’ve been M.I for too long, Changkyun. I need to find out who Chanmi is.”

             She hates how cheesy and cliché it sounds, but she can’t deny the truth behind the words. She needs to leave before something bad happens.

             “Tell the boys I love them and they can text me whenever.”

             “Don’t worry about the guys,” Changkyun tells her. “They’ll understand.”

             “Will they?”

              “Of course.”

[hopelikethemoon]

Alright, so I ended up combining two requests for the following fic: 

anonymous:[It really struck me in The Punisher that the argument between Karen and Frank about her provoking Lewis was great insight into their relationship dynamic. So if you're still taking request I would love to see a fic where Frank and Karen are together and arguing about her putting herself in danger... And a smut related make-up would be appreciated.] and anonymous:[Karen patches Frank up after a fight and it turns into something steamy! Love your writing btw!]

title: both hands rating: M summary: Frank turns up hurt and Karen has words for him. length: 2k link: AO3

“It seems like a double standard that you get to dictate whether or not I put myself into danger’s way and then you show up here looking like that.” Karen gave him a pointed look as he stood in her doorway, clutching at what appeared to be a bullet wound to his arm. “Get in here.” She swore under her breath as she stepped out of the way to let him in, before she closed and locked the door behind him.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” Frank gritted his teeth as he limped down the short hallway into the main area of her apartment. “You got a pair of tweezers? I can get it out.”

Karen rolled her eyes and nodded her head, “Yeah, in the bathroom, come on.” She gestured for him to follow her towards her bedroom. “Who’d you go after this time?”

“Asshole trying to rob an old lady at gunpoint.” Frank shrugged as he sank down on the edge of her bed. “Unfortunately there was another one waiting around the corner. Took me by surprise.”

“That’s how it always works.” She retorted dryly, returning from her bathroom with bandaging and a pair of tweezers. “It’s sad that I keep my medicine cabinet stocked with this stuff.” She frowned at him, her hands going to her hips after she deposited the materials onto the bed beside him. “Do you realize how much of a hypocrite this makes you?”

“I ain’t a fucking hypocrite. There’s a difference between you getting yourself into danger and me saving an old lady from a mugging.”

“You’re right . The difference is that you’re allowed to put yourself into danger’s way!” Karen bit out, throwing her hands up in the air. “I give up, Frank.”

“ Karen .”

“No! Don’t Karen me. I thought you were better than the patronizing tone, Frank.” She ran her hands through her hair, staring at him. “If I can’t do my job and maybe sometimes follow potentially dangerous leads, then you can’t do this.” She gestured to his current state. “I can’t keep doing this. Stocking up my bathroom with all of this. What next? Am I going to have to call Claire and get surgical tools from the hospital to keep, just in case?”

Frank slapped his hand against his leg, “Do you not get why I don’t want you out there pulling this shit Karen? Because I’m fucking terrified that I’m not going to be there when you do need back up. That I’m going to wake up one day and find out that you got gunned down because you were sniffing around the wrong story.”

“And I really don’t want to write your obituary Frank.” Karen snapped. “Because I honestly don’t know how I’ll justify my sorrow to anyone I know.” She shook her head, shifting her weight from her heels to her toes, before she propelled herself forward, taking the bandaging from him. “Let me do it.” She urged, keeping her eyes on anything but his face. She couldn’t look him in the eyes. She was too angry with him.

“Luckily it didn’t hit muscle.” Frank told her, helping her get his shirt off. He wasn’t wrong, the bullet had lodged itself fairly shallowly in his arm and it didn’t take much effort to extract it with the tweezers. “ Fuck .”

“You’d think you’d get tired of getting shot.” Karen retorted through clenched teeth as she cleaned the wound, before carefully wrapping it. “But I guess not.” She shook her head, “You’re starting to look like you’re going for a constellation of bullet holes.”

“ Kar -” He stopped himself. “I’m not saying that to be patronizing of whatever. I’m saying it because I want your attention.” Frank caught her hands between his, urging her to look at him. “I can’t just stop being who I am, Karen. I see shit that’s wrong and I stop it. I’m not out there trying to get shot.”

“And neither am I!” Karen jerked her hands out of his hold. “I get it, you want to keep me safe. You don’t want someone you care about getting gunned down… But I want the same thing! I would really love it if I don’t have to lose someone else in my life. Especially not you.” She met his eyes then and the tears started to slide down her cheeks. “God, this is so fucking stupid.”

“Am I allowed to say your name without it coming across condescendingly?” Frank questioned, balling up his ruined shirt and chucking it aside.

“ Yes. ” Karen said with a sad laugh.

“Shit, Karen. I didn’t mean to make this into a thing. I just meant to…” He shook his head. “I just wanna to keep you safe.”

“I’m safer with you alive .” Karen told him, stepping closer and cupping his cheeks. “I want you alive.” She said quietly, “I need you alive.”

Frank sighed heavily before he turned to kiss her palm, “I know Karen.” He closed his eyes, “But I need you be alive too.”

She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against his, trailing her fingers over his neck. “I just wish you would show up here not beaten up. Just once.”

“I have .” Frank reminded her, curling his hand around the back of her neck. “I’m sorry it’s like this, Karen. But I can’t change who I am.”

“I know. I know that.” Karen opened her eyes and met his gaze, before she tilted her head to press a quick kiss to his lips. She started to take a step back, but Frank pulled her back in. “You’re hurt .”

“It’s just my arm.” Frank informed her, “I don’t have to use it.”

“You were limping.” Karen slid her arms over his shoulders.

“Just a sprain.” Frank insisted, curling his good arm around her waist, pulling her back onto the bed with him. “I don’t want to fight Karen.”

“Because you know you’ll lose.” She smirked, shifting so her legs were straddling him. It was an awkward position, because his legs were still over the side of the bed, but she was close to him and that was all that really mattered in that moment.

“ Maybe .” He chuckled, leaning up to kiss her.

“Seduction is a clever strategy.” Karen teased, nipping at his bottom lip. “But you aren’t going to win this way.” She kissed him again.

Frank hummed against her lips as he pulled back, “Maybe it’s not about winning.”

Karen pursed her lips, “It feels like it’s about trying to persuade me to agree with you.” She said as she sat up, starting to unbutton her blouse.

Frank snorted. “I figured out a long time ago that there ain’t no convincing you of anything.” He ran his tongue along his bottom lip, “I sure as hell know better than that.”

“Damn straight.” Karen leaned back down to press a kiss to his lips. “So you might as well just admit that you’ve lost.”

“ Ha .” Frank groaned as she shifted atop him, “So it is about winning!”

Karen rolled her eyes.

“Don’t underestimate my ability use my arm right now.” Frank warned lowly, resting his bad hand at her hips, holding her steady as she attempted to rock her hips again. “I had something else in mind.”

“Oh?” Karen arched a brow, “And what’s that?”

“You need to lose some clothes.” He told her, gesturing to her skirt with a smirk.

Karen moved to get off of him, rolling onto the bed beside him, pushing her skirt down her hips. “You’ve caught my interest.” She told him, turning her head to look at him. Even though she was angry with him, she didn’t want to hold onto that. She did understand where he was coming from and why he did what he did. He’d never hidden that part of himself from her. But that didn’t mean she had to be okay with that.

“ Better ?” Karen questioned as she shimmied out of her underwear, tossing them off the edge of the bed. “You sure you’re up to this?” Her brows knit together as she met his eyes. He played a good game of showing that he wasn’t in pain, but she could see it in his eyes.

“My plan involves very limited arm movement.” Frank assured her, “But you’ll need to straddle me again.”

Karen gave him a quizzical look, but she moved to straddle him again, gently resting her hands on his chest. “Yes?” She bit down at her bottom lip as she looked down at him.

“I need you to scoot up here a little closer,” Frank said in a rougher tone, licking his lips as he held her gaze.

“Oh.” Karen inhaled sharply. “ Oh .” Her eyes widened as she held his gaze. “Really?”

“Mhm.” Frank nodded his head slowly, his good hand coming to rest at her hip, “Come on.”

“That’s one way to win a slighted woman over.” Karen laughed, her heart pounding faster in her chest as she scooted up his body, repositioning herself so her legs were on either side of his face. Karen held her breath as his mouth found her already slick flesh, his tongue teasing her justright.

Karen bit down on her bottom lip, her hands resting on her thighs as she held herself just above his face, so she wasn’t smothering him. Her head fell forward, her eyes meeting his as she watched him all but devour her. His good hand was curled around her thigh, holding her steady as his tongue delved into her and her hips rolled in response, trying to urge him on.

It wasn’t going to take very long to get her off. The anger and frustration were wound up tightly in her and the desire coursing through her veins had merged with it, seeking a release for everything that was pent up inside of her.

Karen cried out - louder than she should have, knowing that her neighbours were home. But how could she stop from making sounds when he was doing this ? Her toes curled and she pressed her knees firmly into the mattress as her release washed over her.

There was something hot about looking down at Frank Castle laying between her thighs, with a smug grin on his face and her arousal clinging to the scruff that was growing on his face. “ Fuck .”

“Am I forgiven?”

“Yes.” Karen laughed breathlessly, moving to lay down beside him, curling into his side, wanting to be close to him. “My point about it being hypocritical still stands, but I’ll call a truce and forgive you for being an ass about it.”

“Good.” Frank rubbed her arm, “I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

“I know.” Karen sighed, closing her eyes. “Trust me, I know that’s what you’re doing, but… You can’t keep me in a bubble. As much as I’m sure you’d love to.”

Frank blew out a breath and nodded his head, “I know. I just gotta… I don’t actually know how to deal with that fear . I’m paranoid that happiness like this means untimely loss.” He admitted, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m holding on with both hands.” She told him, opening her eyes to meet his. “But if I get to expect you running into gun fights and coming out like this, then you’ve got to expect me toeing the line with my leads.”

“What if I started coming around more often than when I’m hurt?” He already did , he wasn’t always turning up at her door hurt, but the thought struck a chord with Karen.

“You can spend as much time as you’d like here. My door is always open.” Karen’s lashes fluttered and she chewed on her bottom lip. “I mean that too. I know you like your hangout you had with Micro but… I wouldn’t mind having someone around here.”

“It does get pretty lonely.”

“I happen to know this lady who also gets lonely. She can show you a real good time too. That might sweeten the offer.” Karen scrunched up her nose, curling her arm around his middle. “It’s a standing offer.”

“One I plan to accept.” Frank moved his bad arm so he could squeeze the hand she had draped over him. Even with one arm out of commission, he still managed to hold on with both hands too.

[adiwriting]

My North Star

Oliver and Felicity have been best friends since 1st grade. So when Felicity is struggling to get over the death of her boyfriend, there’s only one person that can help make things okay again. 

This is part two of a three part mini-verse. Part One “My Compass” can be found here. Shout out to @acheaptrickandacheesyoneline for the quick beta! Enjoy! 

Boston 2007

Felicity stares at her reflection in the mirror trying to figure out who this girl is staring back at her. She used to think she knew. She’d been so confident about who she was and where she was going in life. Now she looks at the girl in the mirror and barely recognizes her.

How crazy that two whole months can change everything.

She leans in closer and inspects the dark circles under her eyes that appear permanently set in. It’s been two months since Cooper’s arrest. She hasn’t be able to sleep without waking up from nightmares since the day she watched the feds carry him away. She’s barely left her dorm room and even then, she’d only done so to visit Cooper in prison. Then he died.

Two months since Cooper convinced her to try her algorithm out on the Department of Education and every since then her life has been a downward spiral.

She’s not sure who she is anymore, but she’s positive that she doesn’t want to be this girl in the mirror anymore.

She closes her eyes against a fresh wave of emotion and takes a steadying breath. Mind over matter. Mind over matter. If she tells herself that she’s not going to cry today — that she’s not going to have a panic attack — she won’t.

While her world ended two weeks ago when Cooper took his own life, time wasn’t kind enough to stop. The world kept on spinning. Things kept moving without her.

Today is the day she joins the world again. She can’t continue on like this. She can’t keep the rest of the world blocked out forever. She’s spent the past two months in virtual solitude. In a fit of rage, she’d destroyed her laptop and phone and disconnected her internet. She didn’t want to hack anymore. She didn’t want the reminder of Cooper and what he’d lost his life over and she didn’t trust herself not to give into temptation.

Between that and her refusal to open the door for anyone, the only person she’s communicated with is Myron. He’s been forcing food on her everyday in an effort to at least make sure she doesn’t waste away into nothingness.

He’s been worried that she might take Cooper’s lead and end it all.

But as tempting as that offer has been at times, she knows she could never kill herself. She’s too cowardly. Too selfish.

Cooper deserved so much better than the girl he got.

No more.

If she doesn’t start showing up for classes soon, she’s going to have to repeat the entire semester. She’s already missed her midterms and is failing her classes for the first time in her life. But she’s done the math. If she starts going to classes now and aces her finals, she can pull of passing grades in each of her classes.

So that’s the plan. That’s what Cooper would have wanted for her. He hadn’t taken the fall for her to be some depressive MIT washout that never makes anything of herself. She needs to live her life. If not for herself, then for Cooper.

She opens her medicine cabinet, intent on brushing her teeth, only to realize that she’s out of toothpaste. A quick check of her drawers tells her that she’s already gone through all of her backups.

She’s going to have to leave her room to go buy some.

After 8 weeks of being a shut in, she’s going to have to brave the outside world.

“You can do this,” she says to her reflection.

Can you really though? The voice in her head mocks her.

She spends twenty minutes tracking down her purse, which she finally finds buried under old carryout containers. By the time she locates it, she’s tired enough that she nearly crawls back into bed, but forces herself to walk out the door before she loses her nerve. She looks like a walking nightmare, she’s sure, but she can’t be bothered to care. She doesn’t have the energy for things like makeup or washing her hair. It’s taking everything in her just to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking towards the elevator. The temptation to turn around and go back is real.

She manages to make it to Walgreens without a mental breakdown, which she takes as a win. In fact, the fresh air feels good. For the first time in weeks, it doesn’t feel like an elephant is sitting on her chest or like she’s going to crawl out of her skin. If it weren’t for the constant ache where her heart used to be, she would almost say she’s back to normal.

She grabs a cart and starts stocking up on the essentials that she’ll need after 2 months of not shopping. She’s grabbed milk, cereal, tampons, and is on her way to grab toothpaste when she stops at the end of the makeup aisle. She’s not sure what makes her stop, but she stares at the display for new long lasting lipcolor longer than is probably natural.  

The models in the picture look so carefree. They are smiling in a way that Felicity’s not sure she’s ever smiled. Has she ever been that happy in her life? She struggles to think.

For so many years she’s felt scarred by tragedy. First with her dad leaving, then growing up under the constant fear of eviction, having to leave Starling to move in with her grandparents, and now Cooper?

Felicity was never meant to be one of those happy people. She’s never been a girl meant for pink lipstick and flirty dresses. That stuff is meant for bubblegum chewing mindless blondes who have nothing to worry about but chipped nail polish. And Felicity? She’s never been at a point in her life where she’s even come close to that kind of peace.

Maybe there were moments. Glimpse of possibilities that things could be different. Fourth of July’s spent in the Glades… Trips to the zoo with a tiny, chatty brunette… Ice skating near the Exchange building… Late night conversations on the phone with her best friend once her grandparents when to sleep…

But they were just moments and they felt like a lifetime ago.

Felicity shakes her head.

She doesn’t want to think about the fact that most of her carefree moments involve Oliver and not the boyfriend she’s been crying over the last several weeks. Her crush on Oliver died back in high school when she came to terms with the fact that she would never be the kind of girl Oliver would ever date.

Oliver dates girls like the ones in the lipstick ad: Gorgeous, tanned, and not a care in the world girls. Felicity is nothing like those girls.

It must be nice, she thinks, staring at them longingly. She used to make fun of girls like that, but now she envies them. They probably don’t have boyfriends who get arrested and confess to crimes on their behalf and end up killing themselves.

Felicity doesn’t think about it, she picks up one of the brightly colored lipsticks and places it in her cart, quickly followed by a less intense eyeliner and mascara. She picks out new makeup brushes and eyeshadow kits. Several brightly colored nailpolishes make their way into her cart as well.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’ll never actually wear anything she’s buying. She can’t pull it off and it’s so opposite of what she usually wears, but still, she feels compelled. Compelled to start over, to become someone new. Somebody she can look in the mirror and be proud of. Somebody deserving of the sacrifice that Cooper made for her.

After she finishes in the makeup aisle, she heads straight for the hair color aisle. Her roots have started to grow out and her purple is washed out and gross. She really needs to color her hair again this weekend if she wants to convince her teachers that she’s no longer a total mess and worth their time. She reaches out for the midnight black that she always buys, and somehow, she ends up picking up a shade of blonde, not unlike her mother’s.

You need to dress how you want others to see you, Felicity, she can hear her mom’s voice in her head. She rolls her eyes and puts the dye back on the shelf before she realizes that it’s not the worst idea in the world. She may be broken beyond repair on the inside — she can’t do anything about that — but she can fix her physical appearance. Maybe if she starts dressing like those happy models in the picture, one day she’ll actually feel like that.

“Fake it til you make it, I guess,” she says, and puts several boxes of blonde dye in her cart. Lord knows how many boxes it’ll take to get her from black to blonde.

She heads towards the cashier and tries not to think about how much money she is spending as she rings everything up. As she swipes her credit card, she realizes there is something else her mom may have been right about: retail therapy.

If she’s going to do this, she’s going to need more than some new hair and makeup. She’s going to need a whole new look. When she leaves Walgreens, she realizes that the temptation to go home and crawl right back into bed is gone. Instead she finds herself walking down the street towards the trendy boutiques near campus.

Go big or go home.

****

It takes several rounds of bleach over two days before Felicity finally arrives at a shade she’s happy with and the change is drastic. For the first time in her life, she actually feels like the daughter of Donna Smoak. She’s blonde. Like, legit blonde.

It’s different. It’s certainly going to take her awhile to get used to it, but she kinda likes it. It feels like a fresh start. A change she’d desperately needed.

Now, she doesn’t have to be the sad girl that got her boyfriend killed. She can just be Felicity. Everyday, normal Felicity. A girl who worries over normal things: like passing her finals, and bills, and whatever else normal girls stress over.

She lets her hair air dry and is pleasantly surprised to see that, while it’s dried curly, it’s not as frizzy as it usually is. It reminds her of one of her favorite pictures of herself: the one of her and Oliver holding sparklers from middle school. That thought makes her smile for the first time in a long time.

She moves to pick up her phone and text Oliver to see if he remembered that night, only to remember that she doesn’t have a phone and she hasn’t spoken to Oliver in months. She tries to remember the last time she’d seen him, and can vaguely recall a lunch during spring semester last year. Things between them have been strange ever since she’d started dating Cooper but Felicity had never taken the time to try and figure out why.

She’d been so caught up in the feeling of being in love for the first time that she’d never really stopped to notice that she’d lost her best friend in the process. She wonders if the giant hole in her heart isn’t only because of Cooper, but also because of Oliver. She misses him. He would have been the first person to drag her out of bed these last few weeks and do whatever it took to get her out of her funk. He would have helped dull the pain for her felt over yet another loss.

Felicity glances over at the clock and sees that it’s 7pm. If she hurries, she can probably catch Oliver before he heads out to the bars for the night. It would be nice to see him again and hang out. If she’s being honest with herself, it would even be nice to go out and hit the town with him. Getting mindlessly drunk sounds promising and besides, didn’t she promise herself that she would start doing normal college things? Getting dressed up and going to bars on a Saturday night is certainly what normal kids her age do.

She breaks out her new makeup and tries to resist the urge to paint her eyeliner on too thick or use her purple lipstick instead of the new pink one that makes her self-conscious. It’ll take awhile to feel truly comfortable with her new look, but she can be objective enough to know she looks halfway decent. And besides, it doesn’t really matter anyways. Oliver won’t care what she looks like and she’s not looking for a boyfriend tonight.

She’s just looking for a night of fun. A reprieve.

She quickly changes into one of her new dresses and grabs her purse, double checking for her ID, money, and keys before heading out the door and towards the bus stop.

As she waits for the bus, she tries to ignore the college boys cat calling her and making her doubt her decision to leave her room. What if she looks ridiculous? What if everyone can see right through her and know that she’s not one of those girls? Can people see how utterly broken she is?

What if Oliver laughs at her?

She’s about to turn around when the bus shows up and the crowd of people push her towards the door, effectively making the decision for her.

She takes a seat and tries to pull her skirt down when she catches a guy leering at her. She wonders how her mom wears dresses like this all of the time with such confidence. Isn’t she constantly worried that she’s flashing somebody? Maybe she’ll just borrow a pair of sweatpants from Oliver when she gets to his place and beg him to stay in with her instead. Maybe this was too big of a step for her first night out, and they really should talk. She needs to apologize for being so distant the past few months.

She gets off of the bus at Oliver’s stop and walks towards his place. She walks up the steps to his door and rings the doorbell. When she doesn’t hear movement for several minutes, she presses the doorbell again, praying that he’s home. She didn’t just trek 30 minutes across the river for nothing. When he still doesn’t answer, she throws her hands up in defeat.

“Of course you’re not home,” she grumbles to herself. “You’re probably already several shots deep and with some leggy supermodel.”

She could call him… That is, if she had thought to buy a new phone yesterday in all of her shopping. She could walk to the wine shop down the street and ask Richard, the manager, to borrow their phone, only she doesn’t know Oliver’s cell number. She still has his old house phone memorized by heart from all of the times they talked well into the night during high school, but she’d never taken the time to memorize his cell number. It’s always just been programmed into her phone as her number two speed dial, second only to her mother.

She sits down on his doorstep and debates what she should do next. She doesn’t really want to go back home. Not when she’s worked up the courage and energy to actually go out. And now that she’s here at Oliver’s place, she realized just how deeply she’s missed talking to Oliver. When he started at Harvard her junior year after being kicked out of Brown, she’d spent nearly every weekend at his place. This place has always felt way more like home than her shitty dorm room ever has. She’s determined to find him.

She wonders if she started walking into the nightclubs in the area, if she would run into Oliver. Then again, she’s pretty sure the kind of clubs that he frequents are exclusive and would never let somebody like her in. New blonde hair and dress or not, she’s still a socially awkward nerd.

“Look, I don’t know who you are, but there are easier ways than stalking to get a pair of cuffs...” she hears a familiar voice say.

Felicity rolls her eyes and looks down to where Oliver’s other best friend is walking up the street.

“Hey Tommy,” she says.

“Shit,” Tommy says, doing a double take. “Smoak?”

Felicity blushes as she stands up and pulls her skirt down. “How are you?”

“When did… What the… Wow,” he stumbles over his words.

“Tommy Merlyn speechless. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that,” Felicity says, shuffling back and forth on her feet, trying to figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“Well it doesn’t happen often, so congratulations. You look amazing,” he says, stepping up to stand next to her on the stairs. “Are you waiting for Ollie?”

She nods, biting her lip, suddenly feeling awkward. It’s been months since she talked to him and in that time, he hadn’t reached out to her either. Had it been completely stupid of her to show up like this expecting things to go back to normal?

“I thought I might catch him before he headed out, but I guess not,” she says, going for nonchalant, but she’s pretty sure Tommy sees right through her. After all, she had literally been waiting on his doorstep.

“Yeah, he headed to Royale tonight with a bunch of the guys,” he says.

“Right,” she says, as if she’d known that. Which is stupid, because if she had known that, she wouldn’t be sitting on his doorstep like a pathetic loser.

“Has Ollie seen this?” Tommy asks, reaching out to pull on one of her curls.

She shakes her head. “It’s new.”

Tommy’s smile grows and he suddenly has that look in his face that he gets when he’s about to do something that will be epic but also highly illegal.

“Okay, give me a minute to cancel my plans and we’ll head over there together.”

“You don’t have to cancel your plans,” she says, weary of whatever he’s clearly planning. “I think I’m actually going to head back. I’m kind of tired.”

“It’s 9:30,” he says with a laugh and pats her shoulder. “I forgot how cute you are when you’re being a total buzzkill. That dress deserves to go out. We are going to find Ollie. The look on his face when he sees you will be totally worth cancelling on Crystal Harris.”

She opens her mouth to argue with him some more, but he puts a finger to her mouth and shakes his head.

“Nope, no more arguing,” he says. “You’ve been MIA for far too long to be allowed to argue with me.”

She smacks his hand away and crosses her arms, but doesn’t argue any further. She’s known Tommy long enough to know that she won’t win this argument. She doesn’t have the kind of energy it would take to argue with him and if she’s being honest with herself, she doesn’t want to. Not if it means seeing Oliver.

He makes a quick call and within a minute, he’s cancelled his date and is pulling her down the stairs and down the sidewalk.

“For the record, you didn’t have to do that,” Felicity says, pulling her hand out of his grip but continuing to walk at his side.

“Felicity,” he says, giving her a serious look. “Oliver and I talk.”

“Okay,” she says, unsure what he’s getting at.

“So I know that the two of you haven’t talked,” he says. “He hasn’t been at his best recently, so I wouldn’t be doing my friendly duties if I didn’t make sure to deliver him the one person that I know can make him feel better.”

Hearing that Oliver has been going through something and she’s been unavailable makes her feel guilty. Then again, she’s not sure how much help she would have been to him given the emotional state she’s been in recently.

“Was she pretty?” Felicity asks, deciding against pushing Tommy for more information on Oliver. She can ask him herself when she sees him.

“Who?”

“The girl you cancelled on just now.”

Tommy shrugs. “Yeah. She was pretty hot, but it’s cool.”

“Are you going to reschedule with her?”

“Maybe. Who knows,” he says, which sounds completely unlike him. “I’m kind of getting bored of all of it.”

“Of girls?” she asks as they cross the street and Royale comes into view. The line is around the block. There’s no way Felicity ever would have gotten in herself. Thankfully, she knows Tommy Merlyn has never had to wait in line a day in his life.

“Of the whole thing. Dating. Hooking up. It’s just kind of tiring.”

“Are you saying to want to settle down?” she asks.

“You tell anyone that, Smoak and I’ll have to kill you,” he says teasingly as he waves at the bouncer who lets them right in.

The second they step into the door, Felicity knows that she doesn’t belong here. The music is so loud she can’t hear what Tommy is saying to her. The girls are all scantily clad, making the dress she’s in look like a parka. And everyone is grinding on each other in a way that makes her blush.

She’s about to turn around and leave, but Tommy grabs onto her wrist and holds her in place. He leans down to whisper into her ear, “Relax. You’re with friends. Take your nose out of the books tonight and let yourself have fun.”

She nods, knowing that he’s right. This is what she wanted. A normal college experience. This is what college kids did. They went out and had fun with their friends. They drank. She’s sure once she gets some liquor in her she won’t feel so awkward.

“I could use a drink,” she says, turning her head closer to his so that he can hear her.

“Let’s head upstairs. I’m sure Oliver has a table,” he says.

He leads her through the crowd of people until they reach a set of stairs that has a bouncer at it blocking the entrance. As soon as he sees who Tommy is, he moves aside and lets them upstairs.

If she didn’t know firsthand how crippling the expectations are for people like Oliver and Tommy, she would envy how they seemingly walk through life and have everything handed to them. Every door they could ever want to walk through is opened for them. They don’t have to fight tooth and nail for everything they have.

But Felicity has heard enough about Oliver and Tommy’s parents to know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

“Tommy!” Felicity hears Oliver shout as they reach the top of the stairs.

Oliver doesn’t seem to recognize her at first. Between the dark lighting, her hair, and her outfit, she gets it.

“I thought you were bringing your date out to dinner and then dessert at your place?” Oliver asks, pulling Tommy in for a friendly hug.

“Not my date,” Tommy says with a smirk before squeezing her hand one last time and stepping around Oliver to take a seat at the table.

“Hi, Oliver,” she says, suddenly feeling nervous, which is absurd. They’ve known each other since they were in elementary school. There’s no reason she should feel awkward. Still, his opinion has always mattered more to her than most.

“Felicity?” Oliver says, clearly confused.

She nods, trying to figure out what his reaction is. Does he like it? Does he think she looks like a little girl playing dress up?

He reaches out and pulls her into a tight hug, nuzzling his face into her hair. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Between his familiar voice in her ear and his warm arms around her body, it feels like coming home. He’s always been her protector. The boy who kept her safe from ghosts and protected her from bullies. He’s always been the encouraging voice in her ear, pushing her to do better. Making sure she felt loved and cared for.

It doesn’t make everything go away. A hug from Oliver doesn’t erase the fact that Cooper is gone forever and it’s all her fault. But it’s something. It’s a really important something. It’s healing.

“You’re blonde,” he says, tucking a curl behind her ear and cradling her cheek.

“Yeah,” she says, biting her lip. “Do you like it?”

“I like you no matter what color your hair is,” he says, causing her to roll her eyes. It’s lines like that which had her lovesick all through high school.

“But…”

“But the blonde looks good,” he says. “That dress is another story.”

“You don’t like it?” she asks, reaching down to pull at it again, scared that it’s somehow managed to come up.

“I don’t like that it’s making the guys stare at your ass,” he says, turning to glare at his friends until they finally look away.

“Down boy,” she says, putting her hand against his chest. “I don’t need you playing protector tonight. I’m not here for that.”

She has no interest in hooking up with anyone tonight. She has no interest in hooking up with anyone ever again. Cooper was supposed to be it for her, and now that he’s gone, she can’t imagine opening herself up like that again.

“And what are you here for then?” Oliver asks, a curious smirk on his face.

She’s about to answer him when they are interrupted by a leggy brunette that Felicity recognizes from one of the language classes she’d taken at Harvard last year.

“Ollie! Do a shot with me!” the girl in a skirt even shorter than Felicity’s pulls on Oliver’s arm and tries to get him to come back to the table.

Not only is she pretty, but if she goes to Harvard, she’s clearly smart as well. Just Oliver’s type. She wonders if that means Laurel is out of the picture or if he’s cheating on her again. She wishes the two of them would call it off for good. She likes Laurel and she loves Oliver, but the two of them are toxic together.

Oliver looks at her and it seems like he wants to say more, but doesn’t.

“Come on,” he says to her. “Have a seat. Order your favorite wine. Your drinks are on me tonight.”

“I figured I’d just drink whatever you guys are having,” she says, taking a seat at the table across from Oliver and the girl he’s with. Samatha? Felicity thinks that’s her name.

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Oliver asks as he pours a shot for them all.

She shrugs, but plays it off. She knows if she tells him that she’s planning on getting drunk as fast as she can, he’ll ask questions, and she’s not really feeling up to answering any of those questions right about now.

They cheer and she downs the shot, coughing as it burns on the way down. She’s never done shots before. It’s not nearly as fun as everyone makes it seem.

“What is that?” she asks.

“That, my friend, is tequilla,” Oliver says already pouring himself another. “It goes down easier the more you have.”

“Ollie, come dance with me,” Samantha says to him.

Oliver rolls his eyes, but allows himself to be pulled out of his chair. Felicity gets it. The girl’s outfit leaves little to the imagination. If she were a guy and had a girl like that hanging on him, she’d probably go with her, too.

“Guys,” Oliver announces to the table. “This one isn’t allowed to have an empty glass tonight,” he says, pointing at her. “Take care of her.”

“Don’t worry, Ollie,” Tommy says with a smirk. “I’ll make sure she’s well taken care of.

“Touch her Merlyn and you’ll lose a finger,” Oliver growls, causing Felicity to roll her eyes.

“It would be so worth it though,” Tommy says with a laugh.

“I’m literally sitting right here,” she says, but both boys ignore her. Oliver heads down the stairs and Tommy slides over into Oliver’s vacated seat.

“Alright, let’s get this party started,” Tommy says, pouring her another shot. “By my estimates, you’re going to need another two of these before you stop pulling at your dress self-consciously and allow yourself to enjoy the night. So drink up, Smoak.”

She remembers taking shots with Tommy.

She’s pretty sure there’s some dancing involved. Both with Tommy and with Oliver.

At one point they were walking down the street in search of tacos.

She thinks she may have kissed Oliver, but she really can’t be sure.

And there’s definitely crying at some point. She remembers crying in a bathroom to Oliver’s… whatever Samatha is to him.

That’s it. That’s all she can remember when she wakes up the next morning next to Oliver in his guest bedroom.

“I feel like I’m dying,” she grumbles as he rolls over onto his stomach, shaking the entire bed in the process and making her nauseous. “If you don’t stop that I will throw up on you.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Oliver says with a laugh, shaking the bed again.

“Stop,” she grumbles, pulling the blanket up over her face.

“Well I’ve got two different hangover options for you,” he says. “We can order Mike & Pattys or you can have some hair of the dog that bit you.”

“Ugh, the first. No question,” she groans. “I must have tequilla coming out of my pores I smell like a distillery.”

“That’s probably from all the body shots you did,” he says with a laugh.

“What?” she asks, sitting up in bed suddenly and instantly regretting it.

“Kidding,” he laughs.

“I hate you.”

“I’m about to buy you a breakfast sandwich, so I know you love me,” he says, rolling over to grab his pants from the floor. As he digs around in his pockets, Felicity has a horrible sinking feeling. While she’s still in her dress from the night before, Oliver is only in his boxers.

“Please tell me that we didn’t have sex last night,” she says.

“We didn’t have sex last night,” he says pulling out his phone and laying back in bed.  

“Then why aren’t you wearing any clothes?” she asks. “And why are you in my bed?”

“I like that you’re calling it your bed when it’s my house.”

“Has anyone but me ever stayed here?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Occasionally,” he says. “Thea visited once.”

“So back to why you’re almost naked in my bed…”

She feels like they kissed yesterday, but she can’t be sure if it was real or not. Her brain is still pretty foggy.

“Because you begged me to cuddle with you and you’re like a damn furnace,” he says. “And I wasn’t about to sleep in my clothes. They’re disgusting.”

She has a vague recollection of Oliver putting her to bed last night and tucking her in. She remembers being really sad. Had she been crying?

She can picture herself reaching out to him as he went to leave. It wouldn’t surprise her if she’d asked him to stay. She hasn’t gotten a good night’s sleep since Cooper got arrested. She’d gotten used to sharing a bed with him and the empty spot next to her at night just reminded her that he wasn’t ever coming back.

God. She must have been a mess last night. Which is totally embarrassing. She probably ruined his night.

“What happened to Samantha?” she asks.

With how much Samantha had continued to pull Oliver away from Felicity, she can’t imagine she would have been okay with Oliver cuddling with her last night. Then again, Felicity isn’t even sure if they are dating or if she’s just another thing Oliver’s going to have to apologize to Laurel about later.

“What?” he asks.

“Isn’t that the girl from last night?”

She’s pretty sure Samantha is her name.

“Yeah.”

Oliver’s lack of reaction is puzzling. She knows Oliver well enough to know that he had to have wanted to hook up with the girl last night. Shouldn’t he be more upset?

“You didn’t take her home?”

“I was a little focused on getting you home,” he says.

“Great, so I messed up your’s and Tommy’s nights.”

“It’s fine.”

“You didn’t want to get laid?” She looks at him curiously. “That’s a first.”

Oliver laughs. “I wouldn’t worry about me. I’m okay.”

She watches him another minute, looking for any sign that he’s lying to make her feel better, but when she doesn’t see any, she allows herself to relax and fall back into bed. “Okay.”

“I’m going to order us some food and take a shower. You good?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Once the world stops spinning I’ll attempt a shower as well.”

“All of your stuff is still in the guest bathroom,” he says. “I think you’ve still got some clothes in the closet here, too.”

“Thanks,” she says and watches as Oliver leaves the room.

She lays back in bed and her eyes fill with tears unexpectedly as she thinks of Cooper. He’s always her first thought when she wakes up and her last thought before going to sleep. This morning had been the first morning she woke up and didn’t immediately think of him. While it makes her feel incredibly guilty and selfish, it had been nice.

It’d been refreshing to wake up and not instantly feel like she didn’t deserve to be alive.

****

A few hours later, showered, fed, and feeling much better, Felicity lays on the couch with her head in Oliver’s lap. He’s watching college football on the TV while she watches old episodes of Buffy on his laptop. He’s running his hands through her hair in the most soothing way and she’s contemplating the merits of a nice long nap before she heads back to her place.

She doesn’t want to leave. She’s been putting it off all day. Oliver’s home is warm, welcoming, and safe. It doesn’t have memories of Cooper around every corner here to push her back underwater anytime she makes it to the surface.

“I have class tomorrow,” she says, mostly as a way to motivate herself to get up the energy to leave. She probably should be studying and trying to get caught up before her first class back.

Oliver says something but she doesn’t catch it.

“What?” she asks.

He reaches down and pulls the headphones off of her head.

“I said skip class and stay here.”

“As incredibly tempting as that offer is, I can’t skip class tomorrow. I’ve already missed too many classes this semester,” she says. “Besides, don’t you have class tomorrow?”

“No,” he says.

“I thought you had classes on Mondays?” she asks, searching her memory for his class schedule. She’s pretty sure he’s always had classes on Mondays.

“I, uh, don’t really have classes on any days anymore,” he says, scratching the back of his neck.

“What are you talking about?” she asks, sitting up to look at him properly.

“I got kicked out last week,” he says.

Her heart drops to her toes and she instantly feels like the walls are caving in.

“What?”

“I am no longer a Harvard student,” he says. “I guess excessive not showing up and failing grades mixed with getting caught with some drugs was enough for them to kick me out.”

She puts her head in her hands and tries not to panic. She only just got him back. Spending the day with Oliver here had been helping her feel human again. Why did he have to go and take that away from her? She needs him.

“Hey, hey,” he says softly, pulling her hands away from her face and wiping the tears that had already started to fall. “What’s going on?”

“You’re leaving,” she says. “Why does everyone leave?”

Oliver shakes his head. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says.

“Your dad isn’t going to pay for you to live here if you aren’t in school,” she says, trying to keep her voice calm and not hysterical like she’s starting to feel.

She’d been doing so good this weekend. She hadn’t had a panic attack in days.

“Breathe,” he says, putting his hands on either side of her face. “Breathe with me. In… Out… In… Out…”

She does her best to match his breathing, but her heart is racing a mile a minute.

“You are okay. It’s just a panic attack. You need to try your best to breathe normally.”

Felicity shakes her head.

“Felicity. In… Out… In… Out…”

The two of them sit there for several minutes breathing together until eventually her heart rate slows down and she doesn’t feel like she’s suffocating.

“How long has that been happening?” he asks her softly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her in close.

“Since Cooper got arrested,” she says, her voice weak. Her entire body aches. She feels like she just ran a marathon then got hit by a bus.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I should have checked in on you more. Why didn’t you call me?”

Felicity shrugs. “I don’t know.”

She takes a minute to think about it and he gives her space to do so.

“I think that telling you would have made it real, and I didn’t want it to be real.”

“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I know how much you loved him.”

“I still wake up most mornings expecting him to be there,” she admits. “And when he’s not, it’s like I’m losing him all over again.”

“I know it sucks right now, but it will get easier,” he says.

“What if it doesn’t?” she says, voicing her real fear. “What if this hole in my heart lasts forever and I never get over it? What if I never find someone else?”

“You will,” he says.

“You don’t know that,” she says. “Cooper was special. He understood me. He loved me. I’m not going to find anyone that cares about me again.”

“You will,” he says again. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will.”

As much as the idea of dying alone terrifies her, the thought of ever having to go through the pain of losing somebody again scares her more.

“Maybe I’m not as ready to rejoin the world as I thought.”

“You can always apply for a medical leave this semester,” he says.

She starts to protest but he holds up his hand to quiet her.

“I know you hold yourself to an insanely high standard, but you need to take care of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to process everything that happened and grieve. Give yourself some space. You can return when you’re ready.”

Felicity lets his words sink in. While her initial reaction is no, she knows that he has a point. She’s not okay. Cooper’s death hit her incredibly hard and if her panic attack just now showed her anything, she may be more damaged than a simple makeover can solve.

“What would I even do with time off?” she asks.

“My dad is planning on taking the Gambit out for a few weeks. We could hijack his trip,” he says. “Some time on the open sea could help you clear your head.”

“You want to go on a trip with your dad?” she asks, surprised.

Oliver and his dad don’t have an awful relationship. They get along well enough. However, Oliver’s spent the last several years avoiding spending time with his parents as often as he can because it inevitably always leads to pressure to settle down and do something with his life. The Queens want Oliver to take over the company one day, and while Oliver doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, he knows it’s not run Queen Consolidated.

“It’s a thought,” he says.

“Yeah.”

She doesn’t say anything else. As far as ideas go, it’s not the craziest thing he’s ever suggested, but she’s also not sure if she wants to spend weeks on a boat. That seems like way too much time alone with her crushing thoughts.

But there is one thing Oliver suggested that does hold merit.

She should apply for a medical leave of absence. She’s not ready to return to class and a medical leave of absence would be better than failing every one of her classes.

“Will you come with me tomorrow to talk to student services about a leave?” she asks him.

He looks a little surprised. She’s sure that he thought she would ignore his advice and insist on going to class tomorrow.

“Yeah. Whatever you need. You know that.”

“Thanks,” she says and curls back into his side and rests her head on his shoulder. Her panic attack really took it out of her and a nap is well overdue.

****

Felicity wakes up to the sound of Oliver calling her name. She’s struggling to get her breathing under control as she slowly realizes that it was only a nightmare. She’s not in prison watching Cooper kill himself.

“It’s okay,” Oliver whispers into her hair as he rocks her back and forth. She tries to focus on the steady rise and fall of his chest and match her breathing to his own. She’s alright. She’s safe. She’s with Oliver.

Her nightmares haven’t been getting any better since moving in with Oliver last week, but she’s hoping once she starts therapy tomorrow, that will change. Or, at the very least, they’ll prescribe her something strong enough to knock her out so that she won’t dream about Cooper.

Once her breathing calms down, she lays back in bed and allows Oliver to hold her from behind. Ever since that first night where she couldn’t fall back asleep after a nightmare without Oliver holding her, he stopped waiting for her to ask him to stay.

“I killed him,” she whispers, staring at the wall ahead. She finds it easier to confess these things when she doesn’t have to look at him.

“You did not kill him, Felicity,” he says kindly, just like he’s told her numerous times before.

“He took the fall for me,” she says.

“It was his idea to wipe out those loans. You tried to stop him,” he says.

“It was my virus.” She shakes her head. “He should have told them I wrote it.”

“Then both of you would be in prison and he probably still would have made the same decision,” Oliver says.

“He could have cut a deal.”

“He loved you,” he says. “He wanted to protect you from his own mistake.”

“If he loved me, why did he leave me?”

It’s the question that has been tearing at her from the moment she got the phone call saying Cooper was dead. Why did he have to leave? Why did he give up? Wasn’t she enough to fight for?

“I don’t know.”

“Why does everyone always leave?” she asks.

“You’ve still got me,” he says, placing a kiss to her forehead. “Always. Now try and get some sleep.”

****

Felicity is sitting at the kitchen island, writing in her journal when she hears Oliver’s phone ringing. She does her best to ignore it, not wanting to snoop, and continues to write. Her therapist suggested she start journaling everyday to see if it helped her work through some of her feelings. So far she’s yet to see the benefit to it, but she’s willing to do anything to stop having panic attacks and be capable of going back to school in the spring.

She can hear Oliver arguing with somebody and realizes it’s probably Laurel on the other end. She closes her journal, grabs some snacks and a bottled water, and heads upstairs to her room. She doesn’t want to hear what sounds like is shaping up to be an epic fight. Oliver’s arguments with Laurel are never short.

She makes it to her room and puts a movie in the DVD player before settling in with her snacks for the night. She figures Oliver will come and get her once he’s off the phone and ready to vent.

About halfway through the first Lord of the Rings, Oliver crawls into her bed and steals her trail mix and begins picking out all of the M&Ms.

“If you eat all of those, I’m going to be mad,” she says.

“I’ve earned it,” he says.

“So you guys broke up again?” she asks, unsurprised.

“No,” he says. “I managed to talk her down, but I had to promise her that I would come home next week…”

She can tell by the way he says the last line, that he’s worried about her reaction to the news that he’s leaving. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, focusing on being aware of her body like her therapist has been teaching her.

“So you’re leaving?” she says, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Only for a few days. A week at most,” he says, rolling over onto his stomach to look at her properly.

She opens her eyes at that. A week doesn’t sound so bad. She can handle a week.

“Are you going to be okay here?” he asks. “I can tell her no.”

She’s tempted to ask him to stay. For one, she doesn’t think that he should still be with Laurel. That relationship isn’t good for either of them and their argument tonight proves that. But she also knows that she can’t keep expecting him to drop everything for her. He’s already done so much for her in the last few weeks.

“No, you should go if you want to go,” she says. “If Laurel is who you want to be with, then you should do whatever you need to do to make that work.”

Oliver stares at her for a really long time studying her. He looks like he wants to say something to her, but is holding back. She notices his eyes continuing to drop to her lips, but doesn’t know what to make of that.

“What?” she asks, once the silence grows uncomfortable enough.

“Nothing,” he mumbles. “You’re right. I should make things work with Laurel.”

“Yeah,” she says half heartedly and turns back to the movie.

They both watch together, with Oliver interrupting every few minutes with questions on who different characters were and what was happening. When the movie finishes and the trail mix is all gone, she turns to him.

“So what did you two argue about this time?” she asks.

“Same thing we always argue about,” he says.

And there it is again. That weird look on his face that she doesn’t understand.

“I’m pretty tired, I think I’m just going to head to bed,” he says, rolling out of bed. “You gonna be okay?”

She nods, confused. It’s only 9pm and Oliver never goes to sleep earlier than midnight.

“I’ll probably catch a plane home tomorrow, but we can do breakfast before I leave,” he offers.

“Sounds good,” she says with a smile and watches as he leaves, trying to figure out what exactly is going on with Oliver.

****

Felicity is eating pizza with Tommy, who she’s pretty sure only stopped by at Oliver’s request, when the phone rings.

“It’s Oliver,” she says to Tommy, who tells her to take it.

“Hey! What’s up?” she answers the phone.

“Hey, so I have a plan,” he says, there’s a weird tone to his voice. He sounds frantic. “I’m going to get you a flight out to Starling tonight and the two of us are going to go out on the Gambit with my dad for a few weeks.”

“What?” she asks. “No.”

She’s fairly used to Oliver’s spontaneous adventures by now, but he doesn’t usually sound quite so desperate when he offers to take her around the world.

“Come on,” he says. “You don’t have school. It’ll be fun.”

“I can’t just pick up and leave,” she says. “I have therapy.”

“It’ll be waiting for you when we get back.”

Tommy’s looking at her expectantly. She shakes her head and stands up from the table, moving into the living room in order to have some privacy.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. “You don’t sound like yourself.”

“Laurel asked me to move in with her,” he says. “And I said yes.”

Felicity feels her heart drop to her feet at the news.

“Oh,” is all she can make herself say.

“She’s already talking about condos,” Oliver says, and he sounds like a caged animal. She wishes she could see his face. It would be so much easier to calm him down if she were there with him.

“Isn’t that a little fast?” she asks, causing Oliver to laugh.

“Apparently of all of our friends, we’ve been together the longest,” he says, clearly just repeating whatever argument Laurel had made for him. “I don’t know. I guess it makes sense, right? There’s not any reason for me to say no?”

Felicity can think of about a hundred reasons to say no, but she doesn’t think it’s her place to say anything bad about Laurel. The few times she’s mentioned how toxic they are, Oliver hadn’t taken it well.

“It’s you’re decision,” she says.

“Felicity,” he whispers, like he’s pleading with her to understand something.

“What?”

“I need you to tell me if there is any reason why I should say no to her,” he says.

Something clicks in her mind, and she’s pretty sure that she knows what Oliver is asking her, but it doesn’t make sense. They are best friends. They’ve never been more. It’s always been Laurel and Oliver. And even if he did feel that way about her, she’s still picking up the pieces of her heart from Cooper. She’s not sure if she’ll ever feel ready to be in a relationship again.

“What are you asking?” she asks quietly, needing to be sure that she’s not reading into this wrong.

“I’m asking you to come on the Gambit with me,” he says, his voice shaky and clearly nervous. “I know that moving in with Laurel is what I’m expected to do, but Felicity... please.”

Felicity can’t believe this is happening. It’s everything that she’s dreamed about for years… Except she can’t. This isn’t right. Her boyfriend just died, she’s not ready to jump into anything else right now, let alone a relationship with her best friend and rock. There’s no way that she’s ready for that and it would only lead to heartbreak right now. She needs time.

“I can’t go on the Gambit with you,” she says with tears in her eyes. “I need to stay in therapy. I’m not ready.”

“Forget I said anything,” he says, and hangs up the phone before she can say another word.

Felicity tries to call him back, but he won’t pick up. He’s hurt and angry, and it breaks her heart, but she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do about it. She’d waited years for Oliver to show even the slightest hint that he wanted more with her. Years. She’s been in love with him since middle school, but never fathomed he would ever look at her with anything but friendship.

It wasn’t until she met Cooper that she was finally ready to give up on any hope of a future with Oliver and move on. And she’d been happy she had. Cooper had been wonderful. So wonderful, that she was able to put her feelings for Oliver to rest completely.

And now he puts this on her? It’s not fair. She’s still so broken. He knows how broken she is. He’s the one that pulls her out of her nightmares most nights. He’s held her numerous times as she cried.

Why did he have to go and do this now?

“Everything okay?” Tommy asks.

Felicity looks up at him, unsure how to answer that question.

No. Everything's not okay.

She’s not sure if anything will be okay again.

What if, in telling Oliver no, she just lost him forever?

****

Felicity wakes up the next morning to a voicemail on her phone from Oliver.

She breathes a sigh of relief. If he’d called her last night, he must not be as mad at her as she thought. Maybe they can find a way to salvage this.

“Hey Felicity. Fe-lic-it-y,” he starts out and she can tell he’s drunk. She hopes he’s not about to start drunkenly raging at her like he used to do with Laurel.

“God… Even your name is beautiful. So beautiful. Felicity.”

At this he sighs deeply. “You know I love you, right?”

“No, I didn’t,” she whispers as she listens to his message. She had no idea. How could she have possibly known that? He never said anything.

“I know. I know. It’s selfish. ‘Specially now. E-spec-ial-ly. That’s a hard word. I’m sure you know that word. You’re so smart… My Felicity.”

“God, how drunk are you?” she mumbles. She’s seen Oliver consume an ungodly amount of liquor and still manage to be a smooth talker, so she can’t imagine how much he had to have drank in order to be this fargone.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes… I’m such a fuck up. You deser… deserve somebody else. But I promise you, Felicity. My Felicity. I would never leave you like Cooper did… Or your father. He was a jackass. I hope you don’t think I’m a jackass… Felicity. Such a pretty name.”

He pauses again and she wipes the tears from her cheek. God, why is everything in her life so fucked up? Where was this a few years ago? Why didn’t he tell her sooner? Back when she was still happy and whole. She can’t be with him now. She can’t possibly give him what he needs. She’s too broken. She’s going to be too broken for a long time.

“Since elementary school… I’ve been here for you… It’s always been you… Since first grade. Doesn’t that count for something? It should count for something…”

It sounds like he drops the phone as he lets out a string of curse words. The message cuts out with an automated voice informing her that the message had been left at 2:34am. She saves the message and moves onto the next one.

“I shouldn’t have asked you to come with me on the Gambit. I get that now. You don’t love me like I do you,” he says.

“You are so dumb,” she whispers.

Of course she loved him. If she’s being honest with herself, a part of her still loves him. That’s probably why she distanced herself from him when she was dating Cooper, because she needed the time and space to let go of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ if she wanted her relationship with Cooper to work.

“But I need you to know… You’re my light. The one that guides me home. Like the north star. You’re my north star. My life doesn’t work without you in it,” he says quietly, sounding a bit more sober than he had before. He must have waited to call her back a few more hours.

“I’m going to go on that trip with my dad. I think I need the space to clear my head. But after that… I hope we can get past this. I hope you don’t hate me forever. Because even if you never want to be with me, I still need my best friend.”

The call cuts out and Felicity immediately calls him back, but his cell is turned off. When she calls his house, Raisa informs her that Oliver has already left for his trip and won’t be back for another three weeks.

She types out a text message, hoping he’ll get it whenever he docks somewhere, and sends it before she can start to second guess herself.

I do love you. I always have. You’re my north star, too. I just need time.

Tagged/Untagged? Let me know!

@acheaptrickandacheesyoneline // @almondblossomme // @arrowandolicity // @bifelicitys // @bushlaboo // @canadianheartgirl // @cinfos // @dettiot // @dyedblondefelicity // @emisfritish // @emmaamelia95 // @evil-limace // @felicity-said--yes// @geniewithwifi // @green-arrows-of-karamel // @hope-for-olicity // @itsakatemus// @just-arrow // @karenanderson32 // @loveyoubeyondhope // @memcjo // @miriam1779 // @missyriver // @mtb1002 // @olicitylovemaking // @oliverfel4 // @pleasantfanandstudent // @pottercastleminds // @puddintan3 // @relativelyobsessedfangirl // @scu11y22 // @somewhatinvisible // @sonrisaentejas // @sovvannight // @spaztronautwriter // @sweetdawn129// @sweettooth5 // @tennesseeyouaregoodtome// @wetsuiton

[liziworldthing-blog]

1/6/17

I arrived at Baiyun airport about 2am on Friday morning, it took me over 24 hours to get here due to me wanting cheap ticket and also flight getting cancelled due to lots of smog in Beijing. I also had to pick up my luggages from Beijing and re-check in. It was really difficult to get from Terminal to Terminal to catch my rescheduled flight with two luggages. A mid-age man took my luggage and started walking me to my terminal. I was touched and thought he worked at the airport. However, after I reached my terminal, he asked for 20 dollars, stupid me was taken by surprise and asked “dollars or RMB?”, I was soooo tired. Later I realized, no matter what his answer was, it should have been RMB. I would never forget this encounter because I realize even if I am not at my 100%, I need to remain alert and clear-headed to do well in China. Ms Lin who I know from childhood picked me up from the airport with her husband and my dad and drove home.

The next morning, me and dad came to a dimsum place across the street to make sure I turn in my sexual harassment certificate for work (it’s very noisy although free wifi), I also contacted Martina to schedule for weekly check-in. Hopefully it all turns out ok and I don’t have to explain that I am in China. Later, we went to get a sim card for me, in China, you need a resident card/or passport to open one. $50 for 2G which is not bad, there’s also what is called an “idle hour” where some company offer extra data for hours used after 11pm. Researching for the best deal is prominent in china, we spent over an hour trying to find the best deal between mobile shops that are only a block away from each other. Attitudes of the servers are really bad and they would not disclose all the information, so it is up to someone to be inquisitive. Later, I was walking and twisted my ankle and didn’t think much about it and went to curl my hair at a local salon (from referral of the glasses place). They spent 3 hours on my hair and I intent to return to dye my hair the next day.

Dad and I scheduled to have dinner with mom’s best friend and her family at a fancy Chinese place. Very good food and super clean. They shared their trip in U.S with me very excitedly, and then we got on the topic of “what can Chinese residents invest in?”. According to her, policy can change within a day so it’s important to be extremely flexible. Stock market in china is shit and real estate policy changing all the time is making it a very volatile market. There were policies in which control people from buying too much, for example, if your first house is not paid off, you need to put 70% as down payment for your second house. Later, the real estate sank so the government revised it to 30%. These policies are all implemented within couple years. Also retirement age has suddenly extended from age 55 to 65 with no incremental steps (this is how we lead to investment).  Later, they saw that I was crippled and went to the hospital with me. It’s a specialty hospital for bones, anything after closing time is considered Emergency. I pretended to be their daughter and used their healthcare. Employer healthcare works as a % of salary, so the daughter has about $300 every month to be reimbursed towards healthcare. Scan was about a couple hundred and exam was about $70. It’s open work space for the doctors, then they exam and write notes. However, everyone can access them, so sometimes people cut in line or put their medical papers on their desk so they would see them first. They sent me to get an X-ray, radiologist was rude and asked me to “put whatever hurts onto the table”. Devices were outdated and dirty. Afterwards, the doctor looks at the scan and prescribe. Sometimes, you can request them to prescribe you certain medicine. Interesting Chinese healthcare system experience.

1/9

I am on my way to Shanghai by taking the GaoTie (the fast train). Was told by He MingChong’s dad that he will be going to YiWu, which is a wholesaler paradise. However, he’s driving there which takes two days. He suggested that I take the train and spend time with Mabel in Shanghai and then meet up with him on the way back. Train takes only 8 hours.

Want to log some thoughts about yesterday’s meeting with Vidas CEO, he was explaining the idea he has for America. In china, most cabinet/kitchen models are showroom only with no storage in the back. In America, it’s the opposite. It’s like a cabinet supermarket. People go in to literally touch and feel the cabinets and then buy them to go. He explains that it Is backwards and can cause strains to cashflow due to storage fees and cabinets that aren’t sold for a long time. However, he cannot enter the SF market abruptly and ignoring the way of doing things right now. In America, most Chinese Americans rely on their ShiFu (the ones doing the manual work for the furnishing) and pick their furniture piece by piece – so he is looking for partners. His goal is to work with design consulting companies and have them work with Vidas designers. He wants to provide team services to high end customers who wants to customize their kitchen. I didn’t learn much about business, but I did learn some customs of talking business in China. You take them out for food, order expensive dishes, and then take them to your territory, and you “drink tea”. Drink tea is so prominent, even when I am at someone’s house, we are constantly being poured tea. Vidas CEO was very soft spoken and attentive, which is good to know that you don’t need to be aggressive to do business in China. However, when I asked about how he started, he was very hesitant. And just repeated the mission of Vidas. I guess giving very little information to others is a skill of its own- so is repetition to drive home the point when you have nothing else to talk about.

Wechat is a big thing in china. You use it to pay, use it to order tickets, and it’s linked to your bank account. So when I tried to buy tickets, I wasn’t able to do so, and had to ask someone. The train station itself is also very complicated, would need an hour of buffer time. There’s restaurants on the train and security check in for bags. It’s almost Chinese new year in china, which means lots of stealing because lots of non-mainlanders are trying to bring something back home. I was told not to sleep on the 8 hour train!

I went to visit He MingChong’s house. Real estate is another big thing in China. My dad told the story of how we were about to immigrate, so was gonna sell the house for 200k, however, now it’s worth over 2 million. The house He MingChong bought in 2005 was one million, now it’s 10 million. It’s a 3 story house in Pang Yu. Then we drove to ShunDe to eat fish. They catch the fish from the pond and slice them and hot pot it. We also went to a restaurant with Monogolian Bao, and bought some lamb skewers which were very good. You can see plenty of mountains running through China on the train, it’s quite untouched and pretty.

1/11/17

Bought my last minute ticket to Shanghai and took a 8 hour train ride and arrived at Shanghai. Mabel picked me up and we went for a dinner at a fusion Hongkongnese place in a fancy mall. I ordered an angel hair pasta and she ordered a duck risotto. Then we went to her place which is next to the Xing Hai Music school. Her neighbor is applying for the music school so you hear piano sometimes. Her place is small, but her room is quite tidy. We had good talks about life at night and about the despair we feel about the economy and guys in china. The next day, we had shanghai breakfast at a hole in the wall, and I sent her to her work at The Economist. I went to the famous temple and garden in Shanghai and took a walk next to the water and found a cute café to rest my feet. At night, we went into the wrong restaurant and had vegetarian food. We talked about her love life, and her fear of not liking it when she knows a guy likes her and that she can’t tell the difference between friendship and love.

I bid her goodbye at 7am this morning and took the train to Yi Wu, where I spent half the time resting my feet and half the other time browsing the wholesale goods. There are an incredible amount of merchandise from sporting goods (where I bought a pair of shoes) and accessories and toys, etc. There are 5 districts, I only had time for 2. Basic idea is you buy in bulk, sometimes small items wholesale at 1000 pc, and sometimes at a dozen. Drones can whole sale at 18 pcs, at 300rmb each. Later, I met up with He MingChong’s dad and his coworker, who has a stake in the company. He is running a second factory, where he shares his shares with his employees. We then went to visit the VP of a company who showed us the storage of bikes that he has in stock and went to eat dinner. Dinner conversations are good, and he is very knowledgable. Making “things” smart is a very common wish for the products, I guess tech is not caught up yet. Again, the reoccurring theme of service economy kept coming up. He was saying how with scooters, someone came to him and said he will change the batteries for the elderly using the disability mobiles. Also, it is confirmed that virtual business is no longer the hot market, and many are looking elsewhere. At night, I had talks with the dad and conversed about how everyone in Shanghai is a business man, but bc the environment in china doesn’t encourage it, everyone is trying to scam someone or escape tax.

1/14/17

First, I need to record about the last bits of the journey with He Ming Chong daddy’s journey. He was telling me about how from placing an order to getting a payment for an order usually takes up to 60 days. Between factories and factories, for example, if HeMingChong’s daddy gets an order from a client, they would start making the stuff without the client’s payment. However, in manufacturing, they would need to order from another manufacturer. Therefore, if the other manufacturer does not give them the stuff in time, they cannot turn over to the client. And even if they turn over the stuff to the client, the client would procrastinate in making the payment. (Bosses are happy when employees are able to drag it out in payment, perhaps due to cashflow?) Therefore, it’s extremely difficult for small manufacturers to function. Because they need to pay others to make stuff or spend money on making their own product, and then because the client doesn’t pay them yet, they might end up having to spend lots of time in the negatives. I asked what if the products malfunction, they say then the client will drag out the payment even longer. This is not a good practice, but it has been the standard of doing business in China.

The next day, I was able to get together ten-ish elementary school friends at Mann Café, a very cute, wooden furniture coffee place. The teacher also came. We had some conversations about what we are doing as a job. Some are doing design, some are doing 文工，some in marketing, some in event planning. There was this girl who wants to explore the world by going to Australia…however, I don’t think you can explore the world with a boyfriend. And also she did not plan on when yet, she just wants to “play”. I think that is a quite naïve and without purpose. At night, there was this other guy who joined us, he partnered with his ex-coworkers in opening a wig shop. Mostly retail model. A lot of the “bosses” in China have the same look. Slick black jacket, the habit of smoking, the low voice talking, the need to drink, the opening of the topics in a very casual way, the sit-back posture. Someone was telling me about how local Cantonese people are conservative compared to out of the province. The “foreigners” are more willing to take out a loan to start a business, whereas locals want to build a foundation and work a full time job to buy a house. However, once you buy a house, because the houses are so unaffordable, the chances of you doing other things are limited. Especially when the marriage age in china is so low. Your life is basically spent at one job, at one place, paying for one house, working for someone else’s dream at a very young age without having the options to explore. With millennials sharing the same type of “lifestyle” (eg. Only working at the same company for little more than a year), Chinese young working class have it very hard. I wonder where the young working classes look for inspirations? Foreign books? Foreign talk shows? What about their local resources. I went on a date with Wu Jiaoyang today at Grandma’s House at this shopping mall near my house, food was good and we chatted about her life at Chicago for two years, and how she wants to return. She studied Economy as a master student at Illinoise-Champagne. Same place that Jayson went for Psychology. She also informed me that personal statement business is popular, especially for students whose grades aren’t that good and family want to send them aboard to study, they won’t have the ability to write it themselves. If they contact some middle agency, it’s going to cost more. Later on, we went to a bookstore – I really enjoy the coffee shops here. Very nice.

1/24/17

I am at 海底捞 waiting for my number to be called, it’s been two hours. There are nails and snacks in front of the restaurant while you wait. I think it’s the service that people are buying in. I did something stupid earlier, when they led me in and gave me a table, it was a small table and I didn’t ask for a regular table for 6 people. I didn’t consider that there would be food and then there would be no space. I then later on asked for a bigger table, but they said there was none. Foreseeing consequences. I still need to work on it.

I went to Kayla’s wedding thing on 20th-23rd. It was quite a stressful time. Kerwin’s mom was the planner but was for some reason, very reluctant to share the logistics of the wedding – when asked, she would say just wait till rehearsal the next day. However, there was details that she was telling me that was unable to connect or don’t make sense. She was putting on a wedding that looks good on the surface but chaotic at the end. We didn’t have enough bridesmaid or groomsman until the very end. It was a very good looking wedding with traditional Chinese decorations and outfits. There were these VIP rooms that were filled with smokes and alcohol, guessing it was the government officials.

1/29/17

The next couple days when I come back, it was mostly seeing relatives. I also got to see my brother (elementary school friend) and his friends for the Escape Room and karaoke. It was lots of fun. The escape room wasn’t complicated or difficult, but it was just too many people and hard to get close to the clues. But it was huge and well decorated. My brother and his gf gave me a Pandora necklace, I was wayyy surprised. Even my blood related brother didn’t even care to do so. I went shopping with Auntie Jingjing the next day, and got a good idea of how much clothing costs here. I also went to play toy picking machine with another elementary school friend and got a lot of toys. I learned how to strategically pick toys. The business thoughts are less prominent now, I think I am a bit discouraged by the complication of doing business in China. I think I am also slowly discouraged by how troublesome Execly was, and limiting my imagination to very limited scope.

NOTES:

Shopping List for when I come back:

-couple bottles of wine and brand bag for Auntie Jing Jing and Bachong uncle

-running shoes for Brother and his gf

Ideas: dash cam, shoes, bras, university vlog