#kaz only removing his gloves in front of inej.... one moment he made her blush and the next he made her want to commit murder

[kaxbrekker]

i reread soc i take ten damage i feel alive for fifteen minutes life goes on etc

[italianwithanattitude]

Jet Black Hair (K.B.)

Kaz Brekker x FEM!reader

A/N: this is my first time writing on tumblr so please let me know what I do and don’t do! Anyways, enjoy loves.

Summary: Kaz starts to panic and Y/N try’s to help him the best she can.

Warnings: touch aversion, panic attack, mention of anxiety attacks, mention of desire, idk if I missed anything so let me know.

Word count: 1921

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Thief. Criminal. Gang Leader. The Bastard of the Barrel. Dirtyhands. These were all names to describe the one and only, Kaz Brekker. But the people giving Kaz these names obviously didn’t know him, at least not like Y/N did.

Y/N and Kaz had been in a relationship for at least for a year and a half now. Y/N was in love with him since the first time she saw him, his jet black hair, the small limp that made him who he is, and those eyes. Those god damn unsettlingly deep, brown eyes. Y/N wanted to melt every time they exchanged a glance. Kaz’s gaze would soften the minute he laid eyes on his girl.

But with love came other emotions. Kaz still struggled greatly with his PTSD and touch aversion caused by it. It always made him sad or angry to see Y/N touching Jespers arm, or sharing a long hug with Nina. God it angered Kaz that he couldn’t do anything about it. He saw you cast longingful glances at couples at the club that were making out or holding hands, and it pained him, reminding himself that he wasn’t good enough for you. But that wasn’t true at all, you love him, and wouldn’t trade him for anything.

“Kaz wants to see you.” Inej said, popping her head around the door frame of your quarters. You were just finishing the second book in the selection series when she arrived. A smile lit up your face but when Inej didn’t return the smile you knew something was wrong. Before Inej could say another word you were off your cot and sprinting up the flights of stairs to Kaz. You probably looked like an idiot sprinting through the club with PJ pants and Kaz’s black button up on. Without knocking, which you would always knock, you burst in the door. You stood their for a moment in shock, Kaz Brekker was crying. You waisted no more time and ran over next to him, stopping before you touched.

“Kaz?” Y/N whispered. Kaz’s face was buried deep in his hands, his body jumping up and down. No response. “Kaz?” You whispered again. No response. You tried one more time “Kaz.” You whispered placing a hand on his shoulder blade, and you instantly realized that was the worst thing you could do. His body jumped his eyes shooting to yours, red and puffy. You quickly retracted your hand, realizing the horrible mistake you made. Kaz was panicking, he wasn’t crying. You suddenly saw his chest rising and falling at a crazy rapid pace. He was going to pass out if he kept like this. “Kaz look at me,” you said fiercely.

Kaz lifted his eyes to meet Y/N’s. His skin was covered in goosebumps from her touch. He felt waves of nausea pass over him. He couldn’t breathe he was sucking in air but it wasn’t coming. “I-” Kaz tried to choke out but being cut off by another wave of nausea. Kaz dropped his gloved hands onto his desk, staring at the piles of plans and papers, but instead only seeing blurs of white and other colors. “Kaz, speak to me.” Y/N begged, but your voice was distant and he couldn’t focus on what Y/N was saying. The air wasn’t coming fast enough and Kaz started to see black dots crowding his vision.

“Kaz say something please!” You pleaded but he didn’t answer he was still hyperventilating, his eyes fixed on something that wasn’t even there. You had never seen Kaz like this. He looked pale, sickly, like he had seen a ghost. You wanted to reach out and hug him, pull him back to earth, but she couldn’t. Y/N felt hot tears starting to stream down her face. She can’t see him like this. The love of her life sitting right their, having a panic attack and you couldn’t do anything. “I-” Kaz’s voice cut through your thoughts. “Kaz” you gasped. “I- I’m going to faint.” He gasped through heaved of air. Y/N went still, eyes widening in panic. “Kaz, Kaz, Kaz. No no no. Stay with me. Stay Kaz.” Y/N pleaded the fiery tears flowing freely now. “NINA!” You screamed hoping someone heard. You heard a clamber of footsteps up the steps, you looked over. It was Jesper, stunned looking at the scene in front of him. “Get Nina you cried.” And Jesper ran. Returning minutes later with Wylan, Inej, Matthias, and Nina. Kaz looked up for a short moment though he probably only saw blurbs of color. “Everyone out except Nina!” You commanded, nobody should ever have seen Kaz like that except you. Jesper, Wylan, Matthias, and Inej filed out, as Nina rushed over to your side. “What’s wrong?” Nina quizzed rubbing circles on your back to calm you. “He’s having a panic attack and said he was going to faint. I don’t know, I thought you could slow his heart or something.” Y/N gasped between tears. Nina gave a sharp nod as she though of the best way to approach the situation. You looked back at Kaz. He shakily turned to look at you. His usual deep brown eyes, clouded and shallow. “Kaz, breathe.” Y/N pleaded, as Nina began to work. She began to slow his heart rate and control his breathing. Kaz began to slow his hyperventilating and his grip loosened on his desk.

His vision began to clear and he could make out the blurry figure of Nina, her hand was pressed to his chest and when his body came back from numbness he felt it and jumped. Nina removed her hand and nodded to Y/N before waking out, but stopped in the door frame. “You’re welcome Kaz.” Nina sighed before clicking away. “Darling?” Kaz heard Y/N whisper, his vision clear enough to see his beautiful Y/H/C haired queen kneeling beside him. He tried to force the corners of his mouth up to smile at her, but he couldn’t, he was too out of it. “Hi.” Y/N said, a big smile gracing her face. “Hi.” Kaz croaked, his voice full of cracks and gravel. Y/N reached to tuck a piece of Kaz’s hair that fell out of place and was sticking to his sweat sheened forehead. Though this time he didn’t flinch or push her away, he just shivered lightly. “Do you wanna talk about?” Y/N said as softly as possible. It took Kaz a minute to muster up the courage but then said it. “I’m not good for you Y/N. I see how you touch others and stare at the couples that are making out. I see how you sigh when you see couples holding hands. I can’t do that for you. I can’t Y/N.” There was a long pause. “I love you.” Y/N said. She had never said it to him before. ‘I love you’ rang through Kaz’s head. No, she can’t love me, he thought. She can’t because I’m not good for her, she craves touch that I can’t give her. But I do love her, the last person I loved left, and I had thought I would never love again, then you came into my life and I fell, I fell so fucking hard for you. I just can’t say it. What if I loose her too. Kaz thought to himself. Eventually he spoke. “I lo-” he cut himself off. “I- I can’t say it.” He stumbled over his words. Y/N nodded solemnly a sad smile on her face. She began to stand up and walk away, but Kaz darted his hand out and grabbed her wrist. He starred up at her still in his desk chair. “but I mean it.” He said yanking her down so their lips met. The kiss lasted barely a second but felt like years to Kaz. His girls flesh was alive, warm, hot, electrifying. Her touch set him on fire, as much as his body begged for more his brain and nausea told him no. Y/N looked shocked and red. A blush had spread over her cheeks and nose. She had her bottom lip pulled between her teeth, and when he saw that she was wearing his shirt he wanted to groan out loud at how it looked on her. “I- Kaz, I didn’t do that to push you-” Y/N spoke her mouth agape about what to say. “I don’t want you to regret it.” She frowned. Kaz felt sadness rush over him, she thought he didn’t want to do that?! “I will never regret that Y/N. Hell I actually didn’t even mind the feeling of your lips against mine.” He chuckled. “So Mr. Brekker does have a soft side.” Y/N teased. “Fuck off.” Kaz grumbled, but couldn’t hide the smirk that crossed his face. After a moment of silence and eye contact Kaz spoke.

“I want to try.” Y/N’s eyes shot wide. “For a baby?!! Kaz we’re both 17 and you just kissed me for the first time- I don’t think I’m ready to-” Kaz started laughing out loud. Y/N stopped rambling. “Are you laughing at me?!?! You were the one who-” Kaz cut her off. “I didn’t mean for a baby Y/N, Saints!” Kaz laughed at your scared expression turning to a confused one. “I want to try to get over my condition.” Kaz felt embarrassed talking about his PTSD and looked down at his lap. “Hey.” You said sweetly and quietly. He looked up to meet your eyes. “Let’s try-” “FOR A BABY Y/N OH MY ARE YOU CRAZY?!??” Kaz mocked. You scoffed and rolled your eyes. After a moment Kaz said “I would like that.” With a smile as he looked at you. “Where do we start?” He said, embarrassed once more. “I have an idea.” You smiled. You went and sat on your knees on Kaz’s extremely large bed, patting the section of bed in front of you for him to sit. Kaz grabbed his cane and limped over to you shakily. You smiled as he sat down with his back to you. “If you want me to stop say something or tap my leg.” You said as you brought your hands up to his gelled back hair. You slowly slid your fingers into his jet black locks and began playing with them. Breaking apart the strands that were gelled together, careful not to hurt Kaz. “My mom would do this to calm me down. I have never told you this but when I was younger I used to have anxiety attacks, so she would do this and I calmed down instantly.” You said, slowly brushing through his silky strands. He had thicker hair that was extremely soft. “This feels good.” Kaz mumbled slowly leaning back so his back was against your chest. You smiled, seeing that his usual scowl and frown were replaced by pure bliss and relaxation. You continued to play with your boyfriends hair and massage his scalp, getting him used to you touching him. After 10 minutes he started to shift uncomfortably and you whispered to him “it’s me Kaz, I’m right here.” Then continued to mumble sweet nothings until you noticed his breathing had evened and he was asleep. You smiled down at your handsome boyfriend. You didn’t bother to get up but just sat their, letting him lay on you in comfortable bliss.

“I love you”

[galathynius]

@sixofcrowsnet heist: tropes Featured tropes: Kaz- hates being touched, conspicuous gloves, trauma button, love epiphany  Inej- behind every great man, heel-face turn, the lancer

A post-Crooked Kingdom Kanej reunion! Thought I’d write something for this because I haven’t written any SOC content yet. I wanted to play off the sense I got at the end of CK that Kaz was starting to want to overcome his trauma so he could be with Inej but that he was still having a lot of trouble with it mentally.

“Kaz.”

At the sound of his name, Kaz’s heart stopped. He would know that voice anywhere. He had just been hearing it in his thoughts. In fact, he wasn’t even entirely sure he hadn’t imagined it. Inej. He hadn’t even heard her come in. But of course not; she wasn’t known as the Wraith for nothing. Kaz swallowed, turning from his desk to see her standing by the window, silhouetted by the moonlight. It had been almost two years since he’d last seen her, since she’d left to hunt slavers. She looked older, even wiser beyond her years than she had before. Inej was more than just a sight for sore eyes; Kaz felt like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Not that he’d ever admit it.

The hollow left in his chest by her departure eased slightly. She was here.

Now, more than ever, Kaz wished he could touch Inej. He had thought about her often, hating himself for the fact that his trauma forced the one thing that actually mattered away from him, even though he knew that was far from her primary reason for leaving. Still, he hated that even though he wanted to touch her, he still had to force himself to do it.

He had held her hand before she left, had pushed down the memory of himself clinging to Jordie’s corpse, had pretended that he wasn’t nauseous and dizzy from the image in his mind. He remembered thinking that she was worth that awful feeling, and how for a fleeting second, he’d felt like he might fall to his knees and beg her to stay.

But Kaz Brekker didn’t beg.

So he had let her walk away.

And now she was here.

It had been so different without her. After a few too-near misses, he’d had to admit to himself that it being Dirtyhands was more difficult without the Wraith by his side. Now that she was standing in front of him, Kaz considered asking her to stay. He didn’t think she would.

Oh, how he wanted her to.

Kaz realized that quite a few minutes had passed and he had spent them just staring at her without saying anything. Truthfully, he hadn’t known what to say; he hoped she knew how glad he was to see her without him having to tell her, because he didn’t know how to say it. He rose and crossed the room, stopping a respectable distance away from her. He hesitated briefly, uncertain of what to say or do, before raising a gloved hand to her cheek to brush a loose piece of hair that had fallen from her braid out of her face. As he let his hand drop again, all he could think to ask was, “How are your parents?”

Something flickered in Inej’s eyes that Kaz couldn’t quite read, and he felt like an idiot. Two years, and the first thing he asks her when he sees her again is about her parents?

If Inej was bothered too much by it, she didn’t show it. “They’re glad to be able to see me, even if it’s only every so often.” She gave Kaz a tiny smile, reminiscent of the one she’d had on her face when her parents had arrived in Ketterdam two years ago. It made his chest ache the same way it had then. He just wanted to touch her.

Inej was flooded with emotion when she found herself outside the window to Kaz’s office. She could see him sitting at his desk, a pile of papers in front of him, but he seemed preoccupied with something else. For a brief moment, she wondered if he was thinking about her. Inej shook her head; he certainly had more important things to think about. She slid the window open silently and crawled through. She stood there for a moment, watching him. There were a million things she wanted to say to him, but she started with just one.

“Kaz.”

The sound of his name seemed to jolt Kaz out of his reverie. He turned in his chair to face her, and her breath caught. How could she have waited so long to come back here? She lost all train of thought under the weight of his gaze. He looked at her, and she looked back, searching his face for any sort of emotion. Kaz’s face was a mask, as usual, but she could see in his eyes that emotions were warring with each other. What’s going on in your head, Kaz? she wondered. His gaze swept over her, assessing. Then he stood and limped toward her, and Inej fought a blush, suddenly acutely aware of the length of their staring match, and hoped he hadn’t been waiting for her to say something. With a gloved hand, he brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face.

“How are your parents?”

Inej was surprised that it stung to hear him ask about them and not her. She brushed it off, reminding herself that Kaz wasn’t very good at this kind of thing. “They’re glad to be able to see me, even if it’s only every so often.” She smiled at the thought of her parents. She’d gone to visit them before returning to Ketterdam. “I don’t think they’re huge fans of my escapades, though.”

“And how is that going?”

Kaz’s eyes were boring into her; she felt the urge to fidget, something unusual for her. Inej forced herself to step away, pacing slowly around the room. She could feel Kaz watching her, but she didn’t look at him. “I’ve taken out quite a few slavers. But it’s tiring to be out on the sea so much, so I thought I might take a break for a while.”

“You aren’t staying with your parents?”

“I’ll go back to them at some point. I was just wondering how the Dregs are doing without their second in command. And strange as it may seem, I actually missed Ketterdam a bit.” I missed you.

Kaz was still watching her. “How long will you stay?”

“I haven’t really thought that far ahead,” Inej admitted. “I guess it just depends on what’s left here for me.”

“You always have a place with the Dregs, Inej.”

“I know.” Inej looked down at her feet. She wanted to tell him that wasn’t what she meant. She wished he would tell her that there was a place for her with him, but she knew it was unlikely he could ever bring himself to give her what she needed.

“Inej.” Kaz’s voice was rough. Inej closed her eyes for a moment, her face still angled toward the floor. It had been so long since she had heard him say her name. She was reminded of that day at the harbor, how when he had allowed her to hold his hand, she felt a flicker of hope that he might one day allow himself to overcome his trauma, allow himself to feel again. Inej forced herself to look up, and found he had come to stand near her again. She met his gaze with wide eyes when she noticed he had removed his gloves.

“I want to do better,” he said. “I know what you need from me, and I want to give it to you. It will take a long time for me to get there, but if you’re willing to work through it with me…” Kaz spoke with more emotion than she had ever known him to allow himself to show. Inej recalled what she had said when he asked her to stay with him. I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all. She remembered all the times she saw something in him that she thought might mean one day he would let himself be human again. Was he finally ready to take off his armor? He reached out to her, and she gently took his hand. He went still, seeming to hold his breath. Inej watched him. He was staring down at their hands. When he had steadied himself, he looked up at her. “I know you have big plans,” he murmured, “and I know that either the armor goes or you do. But I don’t want you to go, so it has to be the armor.” His hand tightened slightly on hers. “Will you help me?”

Inej couldn’t find her voice, so she nodded.

They stood there, eyes on each other, hand in hand, until Kaz seemed to have stopped wanting to pull away. Inej allowed herself hope for their future again. They could make this work, like everything else they’ve done together. She wasn’t his second for nothing.

There would be no Dirtyhands without his Wraith.