#last october i watched so much ms during physics. good for me

[eriecanal]

honestly as a lifelong mariners fan who has never really cared or had a family who cared about other teams. the playoffs are basically fake in my mind anyways

[kickingitwithkirk]

Rain pt II

Summary: After Supernaturals end Jensen’s life turned upside down. A year later an unexpected movie offer gives his career a second chance but it comes with an unexpected surprises.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x OFC Lili

Word Count: 1034

Warnings: cursing, nervous Jensen

* This is a slow burn series

Part I

A/N: This story has components from my favorite W. Somerset Maugham short Rain and Lace by Shirley Conran.

“I swear.. your..trying to...fucking kill me,” Jensen gasped as he falls onto the grassy knoll. Jared looks down at him laughing. He had been running with Jensen four times a week for the last month, pushing him to go further each week.

“We’ve only gone five miles…”

“I’m not training for a fucking marathon!”

“You said you wanted to do this and told me not to go easy.”

Jensen lays back on the grass, “I know and I appreciate it Jay, I’m just cranky cause..”

“Your menopausal?”

“Funny. No, I’m fucking hungry! Last night I couldn't stop dreaming about those damn double bacon cheeseburgers Dean used to eat.”

Jensen’s new diet was similar to what the Marvel actors did and he swore he’d never do again.

He normally watched what he ate, exercised regularly and was lucky he didn’t have to push too hard to stay in shape but he’d gotten used to nibbling on sweets, thanks to Jared’s addiction, always having something surgery on set. It was the first time he envied his friends hummingbird metabolism, would’ve made this reduction so much easier.

The absolute worst was no alcohol at all ‘cause dammit, he likes his drink.

Jared sat down next to him stretching, “You're doing really good, I can see the changes already.” Jensen’s cheekbones were more prominent and the soft overlay on his abdomen was gone, his toned abs more noticeable, giving him the lean, muscular look like he had in his early twenties, even though he hadn’t put on any muscle mass.

“I still can’t wrap my head around why me? I don’t physically look the part, Davidson’s described more like you Sasquatch, all hair and rangly.” He smirks earning him bitchface.

“I read the book and yeah, you're not exactly type but by the time you lose the weight, makeup and wardrobe, you’ll pull it off. How much you down?”

“Eighteen.”

“That’s good, you’re slightly ahead. Once your there, it’s maintenance.”

Jensen sighed remembering how much Jared had to put away, on top of his already huge daily caloric intake, to bulk up and kept on for demon blood and soulless!Sam a decade ago.

Jared gets up extending his extra large hand and pulls a groaning Jensen with him.

***

October

Jensen's sitting by himself in the green room waiting for the press junket to start texting with Chris Kane about getting together while he was in California.

His other co-stars were seated close together chatting amicably, having either previously worked together on other projects or through events they’d attended.

“Cheer up mate, we’re not all a bunch of snobby assholes, well...some of us aren’t.” He looked up as David Tennant draped his lanky self over a nearby chair. He’d gotten to know the Scotsman a bit when his wife Emily guest starred as Kate the werewolf on Supernatural.

“Just watch yourself around Dockerty,” he says in a staged whisper making her glance over at them. David flashes his signature smile making her roll her eyes, resumes her conversation with Sally Hawking, Jamie Dornan and Jay Laga’aia, “she’s been known to make a porcupine look positively cuddly.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jensen remarks, “since she’s playing my wife,” the comment makes David chuckle, “Sally’s seems genuine, you lucked out there.”

David rubs his chin thoughtfully, “Since we don’t know who the leading lady of our ensemble is yet we might be better off cuddling up to the porcupine.”

Jensen remained noncommittal, figuring it’d be better not to antagonize anyone since they would be stuck together for the next four months; three weeks of rehearsals to shake any bugs left out of the script. costume fittings, makeup and hair while work was being completed on the island thousands of miles from the U.S. where they’d be filming during the region’s rainy season.

A PA walked in, “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to face the firing squad.”

***

Jensen nervously tapped his fingers against his thick thigh backstage waiting for his name to be called. This junket was making him uneasy, not knowing what the press would ask since Zimmer, who preferred to keep everything close to the vest with his projects, had only released minimal information about this production. 

He hoped the coverage would be favorable since in this ensemble he was not only an odd man out but leading sticks out like a sore thumb man out.

They could hear Zimmer thanking the press, briefly answering questions about the minimal info in the press packets. The announcer went right into a bit of background filler about each of their carriers before introductions.

“At this moment we would usually introduce both leading actors together but unfortunately the lead actresses flight is delayed due to mechanical issues and is on another flight, hopefully to be here soon.”

There’s a brief pause, “This gentleman is better known for his previous hit television series, the longest running of its genre, ending last year after an unprecedented fifteen seasons. Please welcome Mr. Jensen Ackles.”

Jensen counted to five and stepped out onto the stage.

***

“Ms. Dockerty, how does this part compare to that of Lady Mary, since both characters are from roughly the same time period.”

“I’m not sure if we can compare…” Michelle was answering when David picked up his glasses putting them on distracting Jensen. Squinting at someone across the ballroom chucks softly to himself.

Jensen notices a woman dressed in a well worn leather jacket leaning against the back wall. He couldn’t make out her face clearly with the size of the hall but something was familiar.

It starts in the back of the room: a buzzing murmur along the last row of journalists, word spreading, people turning around to gander at the mysterious lady in the back turns into pandemonium.

It’s complete chaos as the whole press core got their full attention on her, some standing up on chairs shouting her name trying to get her to look their way for a coveted shot.

“It appears our leading lady has arrived.” David bemusedly yells to be heard as Michelle was caught saying “fucking hell,” over the open mic. Jensen can do nothing but sit in shocked silence.

Lili.

tbc

Tagging: SPN @donnaintx​​​​​​

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva​​​​​​

Rain @stoneyggirl​​​​​​

[walkingshcdow-a]

A Bloody Menace: Drabble

Summary: Doctor Henry Edgeware runs two hospitals on the island of Piffling. He used to be the only doctor. He isn’t anymore. Supernatural AU for @tinfoiltemplar and @professor-of-predators. 

September 12th: NHS telephoned this morning and announced the arrival of a second doctor to Piffling within the week. I haven’t wept so much since Aurina’s suicide. Once I stopped crying, I raced to the blood bank to celebrate with a bag of B+. Yes, I shall endeavor to “be positive” about this one. In the meantime, I am excited for the second wave of energy; I am taking Antigone out tonight. It’s two days until the next full moon, so while I’ve been treating many of the Piffling Vale werewolves for pre-lunar syndrome, that also means the night sky will be wonderfully illuminated. Maybe tonight will be the night to claim Antigone as my eternal bride. I’ve only waited several hundred years worth of lifetimes and it seems that her idiot of a brother and his idiot of a soulmate have found each other. She won’t have to worry about them and she won’t have to worry about me, either, because I will have back up. I will have time to devote to her, my dark goddess; the love of my never-ending life. I’ll at least ask tonight if she’d be interested. After all, there is a chance that this second doctor will amount to nothing more than a very hearty meal. I try not to think about the last one they sent. I will be positive. This one will work out.

September 15th: The ferry arrived and a couple moved into the lighthouse. It was raining - damn Rudyard - and it was hard to make out either of them through the fog. Strangely, the rain doubled when Eric Chapman joined us all as we watched. 

“Sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to see what had you lot so excited.”

None of us could see, but I’m sure it was the new doctor. I will ring NHS to get his or her details.

September 15th Supplemental: There is no new doctor. If I had the energy, I’d fly to NHS headquarters and drain every last one of their employees dry. When I finally got through the lengthy hold they put me on, I was informed that this doctor’s name is “Doctor Frankenstein”. Do they know who they’re talking to? I remember the writing of “Dracula”; do they think I don’t remember the writing of “Frankenstein”? This is some sick joke. I don’t know who is behind it, who would give me such false hope and snatch it away. When I find them, I will feast upon their blood and turn them into my thrall - a puppet to take on the other half of my caseload so I can get some sleep. As I type this, the sun is coming up. I should get some rest before the telephone rings. 

And to think: Antigone said last night that if this second doctor lasts, she would consider being my bride. Fate is a cruel king and I, his favorite jester. 

September 16th: His name is really Victor Frankenstein. When I asked, he said it was a family name. I don’t know if he meant “Victor” or “Frankenstein”, but I can hardly bring myself to care. He is real! I feel more hope than I have felt since before the Great War parted me from my dear Antonia. This time will be different. 

September 19th: He’s a menace. Today he asked if a blood test was strictly necessary to confirm a test that could be done less expensively via urine sample. I had to concede. After all… he’s human. Human! Utterly and completely human! There’s not a drop of magic in his blood - I took a sample, told him it was for his physical. He tastes like oxtail with a hint of something artificially spicy that I find utterly detestable - and I cannot risk the exposure of myself or my community. It’s different than when Ms. Crusoe and her grandmother moved here. I had had dealings with the grandmother in her youth, when she worked towards the protection of “monstrosities” such as myself. One day, I will tell Ms. Crusoe some of what I know about her grandmother’s skill, but it’s clear that the Crusoes are our allies. It’s different, too, than when Eric Chapman moved to our island. He insists he’s human. I’ve had his blood. It tastes effervescent, like a fine, sparkling wine, perfectly aged. It indicated that he is as magical as anyone else on the island. But Doctor Frankenstein is a human who asks too many questions. He asked why the men’s bathroom had no mirrors. I told him it was not in the budget. He seemed to accept it, but he asks the right questions. I do not trust it.

Sept 23rd: He drank a coffee mug full of warm blood this morning. My breakfast. I wouldn’t have been so horrified if he had stopped to ask questions. Instead, he set the mug down, half-empty, and picked up his coffee mug.

“My mistake,” he said. “If you’ll excuse me…”

I didn’t see him for the rest of the afternoon. I suspect he will leave. Antigone will be disappointed. Another lifetime wasted.

September 25th: Today Doctor Frankenstein got in a shouting match with Reverend Wavering during Wavering's annual psychical about the existence of god. They both agreed he probably didn't exist, but neither was listening to the other one. At least Frankenstein collected blood samples from the reverend before he left. The reverend tastes like mystery meat and a boozy punch. He’ll do for now. Antigone says that I cannot feed from her until I turn her now. I suppose I have been what the youth call “sexiled”. She’s still eager to see me, just not to allow me to feed at her throat, which, I suppose is more auspicious than when my Annabel married that turncoat solider. It’s funny. Sometimes I think he looked quite like Victor Trevor, but I’m sure that’s the hunger talking. 

September 29th: This morning Doctor Frankenstein got into a physical altercation with one of our patients.. I would have cared more but firstly, I was trying to get a quick nap in and secondly, it was Rudyard Funn. I will just tell Antigone I'm not letting my personal life interfere at work. Secretly, I’m glad someone punched Rudyard Funn in the jaw. I wish it could have been me. It’s his bloody fault Antigone refuses to become a vampire: she worries about him reincarnating without her to guide him. I don’t have siblings; I can’t relate. Agatha Doyle escorted Rudyard from St. Spratt’s and gave Doctor Frankenstein a warning. She told me to mind my staff better. I told her that I would if she’d start stocking blood substitute in the Broken Tooth again. She said I didn’t deserve a reward for allowing funny business. I think Doctor Frankenstein is nothing but funny business. I don’t think I could stop him if I wanted. I could either run these hospitals or keep Frankenstein in check. I can’t do both. I can’t do both.

October 1st: Frankenstein is asking questions again. So are the patients. Come to think of it, there aren’t any fewer of them. What does he do all day? It must be nice to be Piffling Vale’s least popular doctor. I haven’t seen Antigone in about a week. The days are running together. I’m so hungry but I can’t risk Frankenstein catching me. 

October 3rd: Frankenstein’s wife interrogated me today. Is that all they do? Interrogate people? She smelled so good I almost lost my composure. I thought of Antigone, how that would look to her. I restrained myself and answered Dr. Beckam-Frankenstein’s questions. Apparently I’ve been noncommittal and agreeing to gossip about Frankenstein. I don’t remember doing this, but I must have done. I am so hungry. I am so tired. I almost told her the truth.

October 4th: Frankenstein was remarkably quiet today. He did ask me if I had any food allergies. “Just garlic,” I told him. He laughed. It wasn’t a joke.

October 5th: Frankenstein staged an intervention today. He informed me that I was a vampire and that I was very malnourished. I knew both of these things, but tried to pretend he was losing his mind. He resented being called “mad” and stormed out with the tray he’d brought. I don’t want to know what was under that cloche, yet it teases my curiosity as Pandora must have been teased by that closed jar… It was a jar, not a box. God, I am so hungry. 

October 5th, supplemental: There were cupcakes under the cloche. Jane - Frankenstein’s wife - made him come back to the hospital and give them to me. I don’t know what they expect me to do with cupcakes. Humans.

October 6th: The cupcakes use blood instead of eggs! My God, they are the best things I’ve eaten since Antigone exiled me from her mortuary. I gorged myself on three and slept peacefully, drunkenly, happily, for the first time since Frankenstein’s arrival. I am rationing the rest. After all, I will want to share with Antigone when we celebrate her turning, if she’ll have me… I have a second doctor and he’s a menace, but his wife is a bloody godsend. Sometimes, humans really can surprise you...

[gaygent37]

Anonymity - Day 5

No-Set-Prompt-List-tober, October 5: MASKS

JayDick, no capes, soulmates, secretary Dick, blowjob, 2,629 words

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The club was a special one.

Everyone who entered had to wear a mask, one that could not be taken off anytime during the visit, even if someone wanted to. The club was a place for complete anonymity. 

People who entered somehow forgot their names, their friends’ names, and any personal information. Any meetings sparked within the club were sadly lost after exiting the club because that was just how the club worked. No one could explain it. It was mysterious, and perhaps a bit magical.

Dick liked going to the club just to people watch. At the club, people could really be themselves, behind the masks that let them be anyone they wanted for that night. 

Dick sat at the bar, nursing his glass of expensive wine and absently rubbing the spot on his forearm, where his soul mark usually was. However, since entering the club, the soul mark seemed to have disappeared from his skin. Dick missed its comforting presence, but he knew he would get it back when he left. 

Dick swirled his wine in his glass and took another sip. 

“Hey.”

Dick turned to glance over his shoulder, and he saw another masked man standing there. “Hello,” Dick said politely, turning to face the masked stranger. 

“Um,” the man chuckled awkwardly. “My friends told me to come talk to you,” he explain. “They want me to-” the man stopped talking. Then, he held out his hand. “Ah, I’m J-” His lips turned into a frown as he realized he could not get his name out. 

Dick laughed. “First time here?” he asked. 

The man huffed. “Obvious?”

Dick shrugged. “Not to worry,” he said. “I’ve done it a few times too. You’ll get used to it though.” Dick took the man’s hand. “Call me Ric.”

“Ric?”

Dick nodded. “It’s not what I go by, but I’ll still answer to it,” Dick explained. “And you’re just J?”

The man laughed. “Yeah. Just J sounds good. So, can I buy you another glass of whatever you’re having, Ric?”

Dick quirked an amused smile. “No offense, but it’s a pretty expensive glass of wine,” he said. 

J sat down next to him and waved the masked bartender over. “Another glass of wine for him,” he said firmly. 

Dick gave a little sigh. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

When Dick’s wine came, J pulled out his wallet and opened it. “How much?” he asked. 

“Forty-six.”

J handed the bartender a crisp fifty. “Keep the change,” he said. 

Dick raised an eyebrow behind his mask. “Showing off?” he asked. He still curled his fingers around his second glass of wine. After a second’s consideration, he pushed it towards J. 

J glanced at him. “It’s yours,” he said. “Yes, that was a bit of a ridiculous price, but I said I’d get you another glass.”

Dick laughed. “Now, now,” he said. “You may be a gentleman, but I can’t let you buy me that.” He started reaching into his own back pocket. 

J shook his head. “Ric, really. It’s alright. My friends didn’t let me treat them tonight, so it’s only fair I get to treat someone.”

Dick paused. “You paid fifty dollars for a glass of wine. Really, J, let me-”

“I think you’re really interesting,” J blurted out. 

“I’m sorry?” Dick asked. “What do you mean?”

J gave Dick a smile. “Well, a lot of people come here to do and say things they would never say in their ‘real’ life. But this whole time you’ve been here, you’ve just sat here, nursing your wine and watching people. You’re different.”

“Maybe I’m just not in the mood for hooking up with random strangers in the club bathrooms tonight,” Dick said, sipping and finishing his first glass of wine. “Or maybe I was just looking for the right person.”

“No,” J chuckled. “I don’t know how I know, but I know you’re not. I just... have a feeling that you’re special. Special enough for that glass of wine, certainly.”

Dick looked at J intently, staring straight into the blue eyes behind the mask. Dick had not noticed it before, but there was something different about J. Dick could sense his genuineness somehow. 

“Okay,” Dick said softly. “Say I am different,” he said. “What now?”

“Let me show you?”

Dick thought about it for a while. He stared at J, his sweet smile and his bright eyes, and Dick really could not find any ill will in the man. 

“Okay,” he agreed. 

~~~

Dick tapped his pen against his lip, unable to concentrate at the task at hand. Last night was a bit of a blur, but not enough of a blur that Dick did not know what happened after he followed J into the back rooms. 

The club had a few rooms specially reserved for those who could pay to use it. And Dick did not even have the time to protest before J slipped security a couple bills that Dick was sure were hundreds. 

They had collapsed onto the sofa together, and Dick just remembered laughing at J’s jokes until his sides hurt. His wine glass had to be set aside because he physically could not take any more liquid into his body otherwise he might pee himself. 

They also ended up making out a lot. And a lot of groping around. Dick’s shirt may have come off at one point, and J’s hands definitely touched every part of his upper body. Maybe several times.

Absently, Dick touched his neck, where the dark hickies were thankfully hidden by his collar. The night had been one of the best nights Dick had ever had. Two glasses of amazing wine and even better company. Needless to say, Dick was actually quite upset to know that he will never see J again, and if they do, Dick will never know. 

“Hey!”

Dick’s eyes snapped up. “Hm? Oh, Bertha.”

The old lady glared down at him. “Do you have Mr. Todd’s reports done yet?” she snapped.

“Uh, yes,” Dick said, flipping through the mess on the his desk before pulling out a stapled packet. “Right here.”

“Humph!” Bertha said. “I don’t see why Mr. Todd had to hire you,” she grumbled. “You are never doing your work.”

“Maybe because he likes looking at my pretty face?” Dick answered half-heartedly, already more than used to Bertha’s bitchiness.

“Mr. Todd would never!”

As the she stormed away, Dick sighed and his eyes flickered across the hall to where Mr. Todd’s office door was open. The man was frowning at his computer screen, eyebrows pulled together in concentration. 

Even like that, he was so very attractive. Maybe a little less attractive than yesterday because Dick was pretty sure he was still enamored with J at the moment, so much so that his crush on Mr. Todd was almost a distant memory. 

Just then, Dick snapped out of his thoughts, and he realized that Mr. Todd was staring at him, eyebrows raised in silent question. 

Dick blushed hard, quickly looking down. 

“Mr. Grayson,” Mr. Todd’s voice called from across the hall. “A word?”

“Shit,” Dick cursed. He stood up and reflexively brushed himself off. “Yes, Mr. Todd?” 

Mr. Todd gestured for him to come in and close the door. “I’m curious,” Mr. Todd started, leaning back in his chair and tapping his pen against his lip. 

Dick licked his own lips as he stared, wondering if he picked up the pen tapping habit from watching Mr. Todd all the time, or if he had always done that. “Yes?” he asked. 

“Ms. Bernard mentioned something to me about you once,” Mr. Todd said slowly.

“Bertha?” Dick blinked in surprise. “I- I mean, what did Ms. Bernard mention?”

“She said you liked expensive wines.”

Dick’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Uh, yes. Yes, I do. How did she-”

“She was your Secret Santa last year,” Mr. Todd explained. “You had some expensive wines on your wish list.”

“Oh,” Dick said, feeling dumb.

“Well, Mr. Grayson,” Mr. Todd said. “It just so happens that I have a $300 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon at home, and I don’t drink red wines, so I thought I’d gift it to my favorite secretary.”

Dick’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times. “I, uh, Mr. Todd, that’s really too generous,” he said with a weak laugh as his heart pounded wildly at being called Mr. Todd’s favorite secretary. 

Mr. Todd waved his hand dismissively. “Though I do have one thing I would like to know.”

Dick stopped smiling quickly. “Yes?”

“By any chance,” Mr. Todd said. “Is your soul mark on your forearm?”

“Huh?” Dick reached for his arm, giving himself away. “I- why would you want to know that, Mr. Todd?”

Mr. Todd smiled warmly. “I hope I’m not being too intrusive,” he said. “But what is your soul mark?”

Dick looked down, gulping. “Oh, it’s not- it’s not too intrusive,” he said. “I’m just not used to... talking about soul marks with my boss,” he said quickly. He blushed harder. “It’s... It’s a wineglass...?”

Mr. Todd laughed. “Really?” he asked, sitting up. “That’s adorable.”

“It- It is?”

“Reflects your tastes, does it not?” Mr. Todd asked. “A wine glass for a wine man.”

“Y-Yeah,” Dick said with a small smile. 

There was a moment of silence. Then, Mr. Todd gestured for Dick to come closer. “C’mere,” he said softly. 

Dick took a few steps forward. “Yes?”

Mr. Todd pushed his chair back and stood up. He started unbuckling his belt. 

Dick’s eyes nearly bugged out. “Mr.- Mr. Todd, what-”

“Oh, calm down,” Mr. Todd said, pushing his pants down a bit to reveal his upper right thigh. Dick’s eyes bugged out even further to see that Mr. Todd had a wine bottle on his thigh, in the middle of pouring into an invisible wineglass.”

His eyes snapped back up to Mr. Todd. “Is that...”

“Your matching soul mark?” Mr. Todd said softly, his voice almost breathy. “I think so.”

“Can I-”

Mr. Todd nodded. Dick stepped forward and slowly dropped to his knees, his trembling hand hovering over Mr. Todd’s thigh. Then, he touched the soul mark, feeling the slow burning warmth course through him. Dick gasped softly. 

His eyes flickered up to Mr. Todd, who looked back down at him. Mr. Todd swallowed hard. 

Just then, the clicking sound of heels started to come towards the door. Panicking, Dick ducked under Mr. Todd’s desk, and Mr. Todd sat back down, not having time to get his pants back up. He pulled himself in as the door opened. 

Dick could hear Mr. Todd’s disapproving voice as he said, “Ms. Bernard, please, please, knock.”

Bertha did not answer. Instead, she started rattling off something about a missed meeting. Dick, meanwhile, had rolled up his sleeve and placed his arm next to Mr. Todd’s soul mark. 

He felt Mr. Todd shift slightly under him as heat burned through their bodies again. 

Without thinking, Dick pressed his lips against Mr. Todd’s soul mark, and Mr. Todd jerked in surprise. The heat became even stronger, tinged with a lovely pleasurable haze. It was a similar buzz to when Dick had had a couple of glasses. 

Just then, Mr. Todd pulled back out, and Dick crawled back out. 

“Fuck,” Mr. Todd said, his eyes drinking in Dick and the soul mark on his arm. “I knew it was you, you know.”

Dick was confused again. “Mr. Todd-”

“Please, call me Jason,” he murmured, cupping Dick’s face. “You’re my soul mate, baby. Mr. Todd’s  bit formal, don’t you think? Besides,” Jason said, his smile growing a little sly. “We’ve already been well acquainted.”

“Well acquainted?”

“That was your last night, wasn’t it?” Jason asked, his thumb running over Dick’s cheek. “Ric, you called yourself?”

Dick’s eyes widened comically. “How’d you know-”

Jason laughed. “I guess I owe you an explanation. See, you had a couple classes of wine last night, so I don’t think you really felt it when I touched your soul mark, but I felt that, and I knew I had to find you,” Jason breathed, moving in little by little as he spoke. 

“But how did you know it was me?” Dick breathed into the inches between them. 

Jason smiled a little. “I own the club, baby. I’m allowed to break the rules.”

“You- You own the-” Dick snapped his mouth shut suddenly. “Oh,” he said instead. 

Jason laughed. “You’re so adorable. You always are.”

“You think I’m cute?” Dick asked shyly.

“I’m not blind, of course I do,” Jason said. “You know, I’ve actually be suspecting you were my soulmate for a while now. We’ve got a lot of the same habits. And last night, I just had to confirm it,” he said.

“Well, um, I’ve kinda been... crushing on you... just a little,” Dick admitted, his eyes darting away from Jason’s face in embarrassment.

“Oh, baby,” Jason grinned. “So fucking cute. Can I kiss you?”

Dick gave a small laugh. “We did plenty of that last night,” he said. “I don’t see why you’re asking now. But yes, you ca- mmph!”

Jason cut him off, capturing Dick’s lips instead. At the same time, he grabbed Dick’s arm, hand enclosed around Dick’s wineglass. The heat that followed was immediate, making the kiss all the more intimate. 

With his other hand, Jason pulled Dick’s free hand to his own thigh. By a small miscalculation, he also pulled Dick off balance a bit, so Dick’s hand ended up on Jason’s crotch, which was not unwelcome. And Dick did not move his hand away either. 

Jason moaned into this kiss as Dick’s warm palm gently rubbed his clothed cock. Blood immediately rushed down there, and it was not long before he was hard and straining in his briefs. 

“Fuck, Dickie,” Jason groaned against Dick’s lips. 

Dick pulled away with a dazed look in his eyes. “Can I- Can I suck you off?” he asked in a breathless voice. 

“Right here?” Jason asked, knowing that he wanted nothing more than for Dick to suck him off right there. 

Fortunately, Dick nodded. 

Jason wasted no time lifting his hips and pulling his briefs down. Dick eagerly helped, his hand wrapping around Jason’s hard cock - thick, veiny, and heavy in his palm. 

Dick leaned in and let his lips wrap around the head of Jason’s cock. He swirled his tongue around, taking in Jason’s taste. Then, he pushed himself down, nearly getting Jason’s cock all the way down his throat before his gag reflex kicked in, and he had to pull back.

Jason however threw his head back and groaned. He threaded his fingers into Dick’s hair and pushed him back down. He felt the way Dick’s throat fluttered around his cock, and like a teenager, Jason blew his load into Dick’s hot mouth. 

“Fuck!” he grunted as he shot ropes of cum down Dick’s throat. 

Dick looked up at him, his hands gripped on Jason’s thighs and unintentionally over his soul mark. His eyes were teary and wet, but he stayed down, swallowing around Jason’s cock. 

After another few seconds, Jason pulled back, allowing Dick to take a wet breath. 

“Shit,” Jason said. “Sorry about that, Dickie. Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Dick laughed and shook his head. “I’m fine,” he said, clearing his throat of leftover cum. He grinned wider. “Perfect, actually.”

Jason gave a relieved laugh. “I swear I can usually hold out longer,” he said, his cheeks tinged with a bit of red. “But that was...” He gave a low whistle. “Amazing, Dickie. You’re amazing.”

Dick rubbed his hand over Jason’s soul mark, and he smiled up at his soul mate. “Of course I am,” he said. “I was made for you.”

/╲/\╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/\╱\

This was not meant to be this long. Shit, I honestly keep telling myself, “Keep it PWP, keep it PWP”, but no. I just had to add the soulmates thing and yeah. Anyway, don’t expect it to be like this every time. Hope you guys enjoyed!

[supernoondles]

2020

A lot happens in a year, even when nothing seems to happen at all.

There's nothing new my commentary about a global pandemic (and the particularly frustrating experience of living in America during it, even with all my privileges of continued employment, owning a car, rent stability, and living in the bay area) will bring to the reader, but I will underscore this: my feelings aren't that 2020 is any kind of exceptional year, but the point where, hopefully, we finally realize that economic/climate/racial injustice has been a terrible problem for a long time, and will continue to be unless we enact massive collective change. A vaccine is not going to make any of those issues disappear, and I worry the people in power (including myself) will return to their comfortable life styles as if the next decade won't be even worse.

Anyway, general DOOM aside (RIP man), here's my year in specific!

From looking through my photos: January was off to a great start. I celebrated the new year with dim sum with J/M/M, as per tradition, and went on a foggy hike through SF with my family that involved my dad and J getting hilariously lost. Soon after I went to Sonoma with J/M -- for all my years in the bay, I had never explored north of the Golden Gate that much -- which was a wonderful trip seeing J's hometown. I helped my lab demo research at the Exploratorium, started growing my own microgreens, and went on more (to become semi-regular and my only source of cardio through the pandemic) bike rides with my lab mates. I finally saw Hamilton (though feel a need to justify here how "cringey" I think LMM is). I went to Genesis, my first gaming-related convention, and it was a lot of fun despite seeing no women. I did so many things, was making progress on research (I think? I don't recall any breakdowns) and my mental health was generally good.

The doing of things continued in February. After not going last year, I went to the Tet Festival in SJ (which was kind of sad). I joined a Chinese learning club and a crafts club and had a delicious omakase. N visited again, I went ice skating and tried to rescue a giant rat from string lights, and saw the Sonic movie in theaters (which would have been my last movie in theaters, sigh). After having a drink at Wursthall with T, I felt terrible (to the unaccustomed reader, not only do I Asian glow, my hands/feet itch whenever I drink and I feel like I want to die), and decided that was the last drink I'd ever have -- thanks to the pandemic that's stayed true. I went on a ski retreat with the lab that felt particularly special (and not just because I didn't have to pay). We (I, in convincing my mostly Asian office) wanted to make 元宵 on the eve of E's birthday, but it turns out that a bunch of CS PhD students really love singing karaoke for like 4 hours straight into the night, and at some point I was like, okay y'all, time to go to bed. So I hosted 元宵 making at my apartment the next weekend, and we watched another Bong Joon-Ho movie (The Host) to celebrate his Oscar win. Typing this out, it seems wild that this was even in this year. I also did sh*** for the first time, hallucinated white woman in the edges of my vision like a GAN, ate a lot of shaved parmesan from TJ, and let go of any stress I had about the UIST deadline to the abundance of nature and the world.

I break from the month-per-paragraph format now because we all know what happens next. M and I biked around campus to film a virtual tour for the newly virtual admit weekend. Being in Gates that Friday (three days before the bay area wide shelter-in-place order) was the last time I'd be on campus for a while. The next day I adopted 3 wonderful baby rats (my biggest brain move this whole year) and the day after that I moved home. I was counting down the days until Animal Crossing and then J and I were duplicating royal crowns in ACNH. At some point my hair got really bad. The months blurred together. Adjusting to WFH was extremely challenging for me, someone who had structured their whole life around the "I only do work in the office and I leave the office when I get hungry for dinner" logic. I would stop working at 6pm but spent the entire afternoon mentally prepping myself to do maybe 30 menial minutes of it. I binged AtLA. I gave up submitting to UIST. In May I hung out in the park with J, who came home from Seattle, which was the first time I saw anyone outside my family. Sometime in there I decided to become a Twitch streamer and had a brief revival as DJ Noon before I felt bad for roping my friends into listening to my music and ran out of interesting songs I wanted to play. In June I, like many others, took to the streets. For two weeks I donated $50 a day to a different organization. I couldn't get any work done at all and spent an entire advisor meeting sobbing so intensely that they felt bad and canceled it after 10 minutes. I emailed the university and got my housing back for the summer and I moved back to start my internship.

The internship was the break I needed -- working with W was a godsend compared to the struggle of my advisors. After reaching new lows at the start of the summer, my mental health was sloping positively again -- working on a new research project helped clear the emotional baggage of the last one. I was also getting more outdoor social interaction -- I went to Ocean Beach with M/D, Half Moon Bay with my family, and going on weekly bike rides with M. At the end of June, M, my roommate, her boyfriend M the clown (there are now 3 different Ms) and I waited for negative COVID results before going on a 2 day camping trip to Mt. Lassen, which felt completely surreal, and, at that time, completely necessary.

The summer dragged on and my mental health, at some point, began to slip. If I were to graph it it would probably look like the inverse of COVID cases in the US -- gradually decreasing, but with high variance from the day to day. I got an embroidery machine, I attended a workshop on docu-poetics with CPH that was so ripe with information my brain physically ached, I saw my lab mates again for the first time as we sat in a very, very wide circle to say goodbye to a post-doc who got a faculty job in Israel. Most weekends I drove to my parents' house and would take J on various hikes around East Bay so he could better appreciate his roots before he went off to Boston for college. He was taking the Switch with him, so in August I bought myself a new one and planned out my entire second ACNH town, which kept me busy for a while -- but surprisingly not as long as I thought, as with planning (and money from my old account) the whole project took I think less than 50 hours. The camping itch came back and the day before my birthday, which was also the day before J would leave for Boston, we went camping at a small state park in San Jose where he got heat stroke and we slept on top of fire ants. The entire experience reminded me how much I disliked camping -- but what else was there to do? I had a wonderful (and long, bless the folks who stayed) Zoom birthday party where I wore a mesh shirt I made and covered with worms on a string. The day after my birthday someone backed into my car, which, following the demands of a racist letter from the HOA, was parked in guest parking. (Ultimately this would be a blessing of insurance money, as the damage was mainly cosmetic and the person kindly left their contact information.) At this time I was also unironically watching ASMR videos to fall asleep, so I painted a two Bob Ross style paintings, one in my virtual art club, to pay homage.

Fire season this year was worse than it's ever been. Being trapped inside the house combined with my roommate moving out at the start of fall quarter and now living alone marked the second downward spiral of my mental health. The bad days were more frequent. I TA'd a game design course, my first time teaching at this university, where many students messaged me to complain that their 95s were not 100s. In the end the lowest grade in the class was an A- and 20% of the class got an A+. At some point I submitted a summer-long project I did with J and S to CHI; it is so much easier to produce work when I do not have to wrangle with M. (This paper gets accepted, but my silly grad student excitement is tampered both by general "why are we still trying to publish when society is crumbling" pandemic feelings and the fact that CHI will not be physically in Japan next year.) Maybe once a month I go birding. I feel increasingly as if there is nothing novel in my life; I am tired of it all and my body feels fatigued even though I don't do anything with my days. Some days it feels like if I don't touch someone I will explode. My use of recreational marijuana skyrockets. I start doing exercise videos semi-regularly with A. I briefly consider moving to Seattle with E, who is about to defend, before it's clear we have, as always, different boundaries and expectations. I look for places in Sunset/Richmond with M to little success.

In October I somehow pull it together and organize student volunteers for a 3 day conference that requires waking up before 5am every day. I do nothing the rest of the week. After we get flu shots and I let someone into my apartment for the first time since the pandemic started, I help E move up to Seattle. The trip is comfortable and we get to take care of each other; this fulfills a need in me. On Halloween J and I dance in a soccer field next to a combination anarchist recruitment center and homeless encampment -- now cleared by the cops -- and eat a mud pie that is too sweet. On my last day in WA I ask E if he would like to have sex, as friends, and he politely declines. I am pleased with how easily I emotionally accept this answer, how through time and therapy I've finally come to cherish our friendship without always looking for what could have been. I am extremely nervous on the flight home, and it's the first and only flight I will take during the pandemic, and the N-95 squishes my face so my head looks like a balloon, but I have the privilege of free 5 minute weekly tests through the university and I collect another negative result.

In November I fully embrace the hyperfixation lifestyle. My brain, always looking for novel stimuli, has given up on doing work entirely and instead thinks of Thanzag constantly. There is one day where I play Hades for 8 hours and I feel gross, as if I've completed my regression to my high school self. It takes 90 hours until I achieve all my goals, and with no more runs necessary to roll for RNG-based conversational triggers, I finally feel a sense of freedom. (My Switch tells me I have used it for 580+ hours this year, which is more than double last year.) The second SwSh DLC is a struggle for me to complete as I do not find catching legendaries enticing. J comes back early from university at my urging to avoid the travel surge, a week before Thanksgiving, and starts living with me. This helps a lot. My next hyperfixations come overlapping and staggered: I write 25k words of a second iteration of my 2015 NaNoWriMo with the protagonist I had developed in high school before I get bored with the story and realize I need yet another iteration; I buy a combination air fryer pressure cooker and ask my parents for a functional vacuum and bidet as early Christmas gifts and become obsessed with immaculate inside living spaces. This carries on to re-decorating my room at my parents' house, after installing a shelf in the closet and a curtain to close it off from the living room, and spending roughly 30 hours over December break organizing and cleaning their entire garage--they have not thrown out a single piece of paper or article of clothing since they set foot in this country over 20 years ago. My therapist quits the practice and my relationship with my advisors improve. I watch a few housewife vlogs and make my own. I have the revelation that doing research in a pandemic is basically just like any other creative project -- no one really cares that much if I get it done, it's just harder to do than, say, putting together a vlog in a few hours. This shift in mindset feels life changing to me, having before thought of research more as work, a taboo thing to pursue in a pandemic, and when W compliments me for the progress I've made in both the system and managing our meeting with M I do not know how to respond because no one has ever done that before. In the last two weeks of the year I start tracking my time. In our last session (that I almost sleep through), my therapist tells me that I seem stable to her and she is not worried about me. I believe her.

In 2020 I made a marked point to let everyone know that I didn't have goals. It felt lofty to have personal ambitions in the face of everything at a global scale. With this said I will now revisit the 2020 resolutions I wrote last year: (1) Intentionally seek out love: absolutely not, (2) Do enough work such that I don't feel guilty: also no, (3) sew one thing a month: no, but in the end I sewed 11 things total this year so I was close, (4) improve my Chinese: this was actually the only thing that did happen, and now my mom and I have better conversations because of it and I'm so thankful.

In 2021, however, I feel like I finally have it in me to have goals again. They are simple. (1) Get laid. (2) Submit the two research projects I've been doing forever. (3) Commit to writing down my thoughts that make me think, "Oh, that's interesting, I should write it down." Ideas are unfortunately such currency in what I do.

Last year I wrapped up this post with some candid, but embarrassing, optimism. I will offer no such high hopes for 2021, but I do ask the reader if they have noticed that I switched tenses from past to present halfway through this post. And that's 2021: an incidentally unintentional, but then consciously controllable, shift to the present.

[womenofcolor15]

After 'RHOP' Star Monique Samuels Caught Second-Degree Assault Charge From Fight With Candiace Dillard, Things Get Messier

Remember when Candiace basically begged a pregnant Monique to drag her last season on "Real Housewives of Potomac"?  Well, it looks like no-longer-pregnant Monique did just that while the cast was filming the upcoming fifth season.  Now, the fallout is extra messy.  Deets inside.

"Drag me, Monique!"  Candiace Dillard wrote a check her hands couldn't cash.  It seems she caught Monique Samuels' hands though.

In a lawsuit filed just before the weekend, Candiace, 32, is accusing her castmate and (now former) good friend Monique, 36, of attacking her during filming.  Now, Monique has been charged with alleged second-degree assault from the District Court of Montgomery County in Maryland.

According to reports, Candiace says Monique grabbed her hair and pulled her down while they were at a dinner party on October 16th, with the Bravo cameras rolling.  People magazine spoke to Candiace's attorney, who said in a statement that they "pray Monique gets some help" and they "hope everyone prays for Candiace and her family."

Dillard’s personal attorney James L. Walker, Jr. provided PEOPLE with this exclusive statement. “At this time, we do not want to say too much and just allow the criminal process to play out. We only ask everyone to pray for our client Candiace and her family,” Walker said.

“The physical assault, humiliation and emotional distress have all been very painful and difficult for Candiace, as it would be for anyone attacked so viciously,” he continued.

“We also pray that Monique will get some help,” said Walker. “The summons to court charge of Second Degree Assault is just one step below first-degree assault and must be taken very seriously. This behavior has no place in our society.”

Walker ended his statement by asking that “everyone respect the privacy of the parties and allow the Montgomery County District Court to exercise its duty here to protect victims like Candiace.”

Chile...

Monique's attorney says it's one-sided B.S. and she was simply defending herself.

Samuels’ attorney, A. Scott Bolden, tells PEOPLE that Dillard’s claims are “completely one-sided, inaccurate and unwarranted,” adding, “Ms. Dillard has a public reputation for aggressive, belligerent and threatening behavior that has played out repeatedly on the Housewives of Potomac for millions of viewers to see for themselves.”

Bolden adds, “To be sure, my client did nothing but defend herself in the face of more very aggressive behavior by Ms. Dillard. If this event occurred during taping of the show, I am confident that the video will bear all of this out. My client has every right to file for a counter criminal summons, as well, and will consider doing so, while fully defending herself in this action that has been filed with the Court. Either way, I am confident that she will prevail on this matter. Going forward, we hope that Ms. Dillard seeks the help she needs to avoid creating these kinds of unsafe and unfortunate circumstances in and outside of the workplace.”

Now if you watch "RHOP," Monique's side isn't hard to believe. 

We've been hearing rumors for weeks about this fight, before formal charges were filed.  Unconfirmed rumors also say that Candiace allegedly threw a drink on Monique first, which could explain why Monique claims she was defending herself and why she could file her own complaint against Candiace.

  This also explains why Monique recently posted to her IG Stories that only castmate Ashley Darby came to her event she spoke at, and revealed that the other ladies wouldn't film with her.  Interesting.

  Ever since news of the charges became public, RHOP fans have been taking sides.  Unfortunately for Candiace, #IStandWithMonique started trending with people verbally dragging her for possibly provoking Monique based on her history of verbal altercations on the show. 

Sorry, we’ll take Monique over Candiace. #RHOP #IStandWithMonique pic.twitter.com/7jUAEvduul

— bri (@_____bat) November 10, 2019

So wait, Candiace threw a drink at Monique & gets dragged, but Monique’s the only one getting charged? Candiace was acting all tough & sh*t, yet she went running to the popo for being dragged in a fight she started, WTF? #IStandWithMonique #RHOP https://t.co/zLbhSYEE1b

— ligi leterizi (@islandgirl9417) November 10, 2019

Candiace has been asking to get her ass served for a whole season and when Monique finally knocks her one Candiace gets the law involved? Lmao pathetic. Proceed with caution hunni because we all stand with Mo #IStandWithMonique #RHOP pic.twitter.com/h00JV2OWNE

— Housewife Maniac (@HousewifeManiac) November 10, 2019

I don’t normally condone violence, but Candace needed a good ole-fashioned butt-whoopin’....especially when she invited it last season. Don’t write a check your ass can’t cash. #rhop #istandwithmonique

— Jessica (@Jessica34429232) November 10, 2019

Whew the internet is DRAGGING Candiace... Sis didn’t plan this out right. LMAO #IStandWithMonique #RHOP pic.twitter.com/3y9HD3iQ5O

— Cousin Faith (@DukeOfShade) November 9, 2019

But, Candiace had a little support too. 

Why when Porsha dragged Kenya everyone turned on her and said she was violent and wanted her fired etc etc but when Monique dragged Candice everyone HAILS her as some sort of god and having this #Istandwithmonique bullshit..I’m really not about the double standard #RHOP #RHOA pic.twitter.com/K8uiOcBWji

— Real Housewife Polls (@RHOPolls) November 10, 2019

She posted Sunday:

  Hold your praise, folks. Hold your praise.

— Candiace Dillard Bassett (@candeegal) November 10, 2019

Monique then posted a quote referencing "damaged people," which is obviously a slight to Candiace who often talks about trying to fix her emotional scars stemming from her volatile relationship with her mother:

Monique is due in court Dec. 23rd, just before Christmas Eve.  Her second degree assault charge comes with potential jail time if found guilty, and the judge could have her arrested on the spot at her court hearing if he or she finds probable cause.

In case you forgot how all this "dragging" got started between Candiace and Monique:

  How tragic.  It was all good just a little over a year ago:

        View this post on Instagram

                  This beauty is a married woman!!!! @candeegal09 and I were on Fox this morning spilling reunion tea! Congrats to the beautiful bride! MUA @makeup_machine Hair @natalieslove4hair #rhop #gooddaydc #pregnant #babybump #newlywed #marriage #realhousewivesofpotomac #moniquesamuels #cbasswithdill

A post shared by Monique Samuels (@mrsmoniquesamuels) on Aug 13, 2018 at 9:44am PDT

    Photos: Instagram

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/11/11/after-rhop-star-candiace-dillards-assault-lawsuit-against-co-sar-monique-samuels-surfaces

[fortheloveofcringe]

My Newfound Narrative

It’s been an enchanted, beautiful October. So many highs more than the lows. Or maybe I’m saying this because for the first time in my life, I really started counting my blessings more than being depressed and introspective like before.

 It cut through my bone. Everything that I went through with this year. But it’s like a nightmare, or maybe a dream I can’t almost remember correctly. I wake up everyday wondering if everything is real, still. Bad memories fading like ashes in the wind that previews a clear blue sky afterwards. My treacherous mind finally cooperating with me. Finally I am my mind. I’m not some crazy superstition or imagination of the worst anymore. I am my best self. I have waited for this in years. I can’t believe this.

 4:24 A.M. and I still can’t process what to exactly write. Usually it flows through my hands effortlessly, specially when I’m dealing with something painful. I guess the side effect of being too happy is losing some basic writing skills perhaps. I’m happy. I can’t believe this. I keep on saying thus because I really can't. I AM HAPPY. Memories of the party a night ago (22nd) keeps on flashing in my head. Girls and gays twerked on me like I’m some frat dude and I didn’t flinch one bit, I was having the time of my life, I had faces all over my face, I had men taking photos with me, grinding against my body, I was drunk, I felt so loved, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was screaming my lungs on stage as an emcee to gauge the audience, I was owning the crowd like I have never before. I danced to so many songs I can’t remember which appropriate dance steps I used for each dope beat. All I know is, I was in motion, I’m not no more stuck or feeling stuck, and I know, with the skin of teeth, that this year has been the best year of my life. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I wasn’t myself that night because of intoxication, I believe I have reached a new level of me, WTH, super BET, LOL. When I went home, I was wet from the foam party. I had to deal with a little bit of anxiety, but nevertheless that was exactly what I wanted, my smelly bed, my dusty books, my aging laptop, after long crazy weeks of dancing on heels and falling in on them, dressing up, editing images, making videos, hosting, playing music, taking videos, having fun, connecting with others. I still haven’t found a best friend, but I know he will come. He will make me feel, like I don’t need to do all these things just to be recognized. He will stick around with me because, I’m a nice man. And I believe this, I have been kind, when I started being kind to myself.

 It’s not just butterflies and rainbows. I lost people along the process, not because I was becoming spiteful like I used to be, but finally I have enough self respect to prioritize myself above others and what others would feel. I stopped bad thoughts from entering my head, like how I would stop food that shouldn’t be in my body, or situations have been a little better because now I understand I am my own reactions, my reactions define me and I decided to fit and tailor them accordingly. I cut people off who made me unnecessarily uncomfortable, I ended connections that didn’t seem genuine. When you become successful, people tend to show who they are. Some become envious when they are not above you anymore and you’re not the same small man you used to be. They would take out their daggers and start poking holes in your back not knowing your back has long been gone and away. You’re free from their ghosts and you’re free from your own cage.

 With that said, I have more than enough reasons to be completely and undeniably thankful.

 I’ll start with my crown.

 I’m a beauty queen. I am Queen of Asian 2019. I have never remotely and possibly considered walking on heels around a crowd because I’m usually a geek in front of a computer, but I did.

 When I first entered ADFC, I saw this bond paper with the print, “THE AUDITIONS” King and Queen of Asian 2018. It inspired me, how our school was that inclusive compared to others, but I wasn’t ever considering it. I didn’t fit the mold, until recently, conceivably.

 It was just a funny thought as I jam to TS’s reputation that time, to join a pageant. I wasn’t in my best shape, I was incredibly chunky and had so many acne that time. I felt ugly. I really do believe everything that you go through leads you to some unexpected triumph. When I dated my instructor earlier last year and ended by 9th of the New Year’s day, I thought I was going to kill myself by the end of February 14. First love ya’ll. First love has that toxic spell. But I told myself, “Hey, a few months from now, you’ll be skinny because of depression and you’ll be more attractive than before because you’ll take his insults on your physicality as a match that’ll light a fire of self-care culture within you, how about that?”

 So Crystal Powers, where do I begin. This name. My name. A pseudo with so many meanings. It originated from Ariana Grande’s song “The Light Is Coming”.

 There is a part on the music video of that song where Ariana holds this glowing orb of light which I translated to as some sort of symbol for consciousness. I used this image when I meditate. Sort how the Buddhist speaker Dandapani would tell me how to meditate on his Youtube videos. My mind works this way as of today because of this culture I made within me. My consciousness is like this glowing orb and my memories are like paintings on a big dark hall of a universe. I take this glowing orb on a bad memory, all I will ever think about is bad things, I take this glowing orb on the good stuff, I’ll feel good, thankful, happy contented. I’m glad I chose the right paintings to highlight. I call it “The Crystall Ball Power.”

 I introduced Crystal to the world, 4 days after my 25th. The name is actually derived from a few aspects.

 "Crystal" came from the very crystal skyscraper crown insignia/logo of the Mister & Miss ADFC that I co-designed with our Creative Director, the royal prince himself, Direk Andrew  Duma-up and our Art Director, Hon. Rachelle Pineda, my idol (this is still an understatement of how much I admire her), a few moons ago. It is a symbol of unshakeable power and transparency. Sharp, Polished and Beautiful. The last name, "Powers" came from my all time favorite Filipino Drama TV show character played by Eula Valdez and of course Ms. Jodi Sta. Maria, "Amor Powers". A woman whose wit and resilience mirrors mine.  I could have chosen something like “Amber” which could be a name within my real name, but I wanted the feminine creation of me to be of meaning. A total Glamazon of unpredictability and electricity.

 It all went by so fast. I did mistakes but damn, I have a few trophies, a few sashes, a crown sitting in my room and a 5 inch, miraculously, not broken pair of beige colored heels, and memories I WOULD TREASURE more than the rhinestones I had on my body that night.

I wrote this facebook posts exactly the night after I was crowned on the 12th of October:

 “I won. Crazy. How? No. It’s not what you think it is. It’s me wearing astronomical heels for the first time and walking with shaking heart and feet but still moving forward. It’s presenting myself in front of a crowd who I know have beauty standards that I don’t fit in. It’s me, running up and down 6 floors to attend complete rehearsals for the pageant that I was supposed to be just a make-up artist for. It’s me helping the other candidates with all of my heart, without irony or agenda, because I know they wouldn’t approach me if they didn’t trust me and I am grateful for them for creating a safe space, a loving, AND FUNNY environment during the whole phase. The tomboys were such sweethearts! Ella was a firecracker, an inspiration even with all of her struggles from the past, she rose above, Yna was the voice of direction, Sammy was my rock and shoulder to lean on, Khem and Kim were the softest and caring hearts(Thank you for the hugs), Ariel reminded me of a young me, Nicole was the sister I never had, Macy was never dull, and she taught me the beauty of silence and grace (and funny sexy stuff hahah), Shannel was the strongest heart among us. Sir Jeff, Ma'am Edz, the organizers and Ma'am Julia for their never ending patience, grit and love, I am forever grateful. I learned this year, to actually love and accept myself without doubt, and these girls taught me that, from everyday being with them. I moved forward because I wasn’t afraid to say sorry when I committed errors from my past and I became honest with myself because I stopped hoping for the approval of others, only the approval of myself, I took the little moments of peace that led me to clarity, to listen to my voice and to rise to every occasion, even when I almost ended myself after terrible events in my life, from bad relationships, losing jobs and all of these downward spirals. I can surely say I am happy to be alive now. This is my full circle moment. Seeing my mom cheer for me amongst the crowd, with support of my aunts and my lovely ADFC family, Ma’am Jai, my handler, for being delicate and gentle with coaching me and providing the fierce looks, Loury and Sir Erick for having back, literally 😉the hardwork was truly worth it. Thank you to everyone who screamed at the top of their lungs to support me. Thank you. I breathe this fire of hope for you.

 One thing checked off of my "to accomplish list" Become a TRUE QUEEN.

 May the Power be with You.

 Crystal Powers. Queen of Asian 2019”

 I think of this post as an elaborate painting of the faces that helped Crystal, become Crystal.

 On the same night, my Aunt Mommy, who was supporting me and watching my every step from the far lands of the almost-winter in Wisconsin, wrote this:

 “An opportune stage name you chose that denotes many meanings. I, as your aunt, attests to who you are since the dawn of time. You are a ball of peaceful energy, giving your abundance of intellect, inherent courage and endurance, confidence, intuition, vision, and love to everything you do.

 Your Auntie Mommy is very proud of you and so dearly loves you.”

 This is all that matters to me now. My loved ones, the people who love me. I had rough words thrown at me for being Crystal. I was specifically instructed to act like a pageant queen by so many souls, but I told myself I wouldn’t be on that stage if I wouldn’t be me. I have people cheering for me now, calling me Queen. Fuck me because this is so surreal. And for the first time in my life, a small wish was granted, I received flowers.

…

 “A flower doesn’t compete with another flower, a flower simply grows.”

 One person I haven’t mentioned publicly about my growth is a man who used to be a person I considered an enemy. He made me understood the very Buddhist principle that I used in my FINAL Q&A answer. He was beside me when we won the championship for the best VLOG in MOR UNIVERSITY which bested out the other top tier schools, he was there cheering for me even when I didn’t need to be cheered for, he was honest with me, to the point where he revealed some dark thoughts that he had about himself, above all we share the “Eye of Providence” as an icon. Charles Diaz, if you ever come across this long litany of thankfulness, I want to again tell you how grateful I am for you. For forgiving me when I committed mistakes against you and showing me what a true regal man is. Thank you for bringing Jai to me, Thank you for being straightforward with me, thank you for so many things, and for being you. Subliminally, you taught me so much. I treasure you, my friend. My Mister ADFC.

 …

 I had fun Misters and Misses of ADFC that night on the 22nd, too.

 My journey on becoming the so called “Visual Director” of the pageant was kind of unconventional. When I came to our school. I wanted to be lowkey. Like a ghost. I was around but I didn’t want anyone to see me because there are repercussions when your are known. I have learned the hard way from my previous school as an Editor-in-Chief at the school paper. You have a huge red dot at your back when people know your name.

 And this lady, had the nerve, to take a chance on me and I will be forever grateful for whatever made her decide to bring me out of my dark cave.

 Hon. Rachelle Erica Pineda just wanted me to overlook and host the activities on the Liberal Arts Days on 2018. It catapulted from there. I wasn’t forming any irony or agenda when I told sir Kim that I wanted to be part of the school. I want to serve the people who served me kindness and compassion when I was losing faith in humanity.

 She and her family had a tough one this year from the Earthquake, the elections, almost everything was crazy for a man to process and yet when I saw her dance during the party, I knew  I want to work for her and her family. They know balance more than anyone.

 I met Direk Andrew Duma-up through her. This man, he is something else. God-tier.

 And yet he’s always so gentle with me. He was always careful with explaining his visions with me. I’m in a daze when I talk to him. And to think he’s an accomplished man. I am in awe. I’m crying as I write these words down because I have always been used to people scowling at me. Both of them never made me feel useless or unwanted. They channelled my pain and depression  by making me do things, completely out of my normal humdrum. They made me create. I love creating. I loved everything they made me do. When I was at that LED wall operating spot, I have never felt so good I my entire life, more than winning the pageant I was in, honestly.

 I was laughing and happy the entire time. Every time I heard his voice and others, at the intercom of the headphones, I was just cracking the hell up. I have never worked with less tension ever before. I felt so uplifted. Being up-close with one moment celebrities will never compare to working with these two precious gems.

 I wish to practice more and improve on my graphic powers to create more beautiful things for them. This is my vow.

 God, I’m so lucky.

 The candidates this year, I had something with them compared to last year, except of course with Charles.

 I had Push-pop candy moments with Jared, got warm hugs from Steph, I shared some thoughts on answering questions and Gummy Bears with AJ, DENVER, VINZLEE, jaw-dropped for this band on stage with Aidan, took photos with Roel and the rest of the dudes and dudettes of the pageant (well gummy worms with others, too) LOL. I had moments with the caring new Mister and Miss of our school. I even fangirled with Renzel for we are both MIDZY’s for ITZY, a k-pop girl group. We were laughing at their photos, I was with their journey even if I intentionally wanted to be just a ghost in the corner because I didn’t want to spill to much with them, because that happens when I get too close. HAHA.

 Okay. I’m going to address this unintentional ELEPHANT in the room.

 Macky.

 Siopao.

 Unggoy.

 Whatever he wants to call himself, but I would very much prefer to call him, baby.

 Ayiee! SHET! AHAHAHHA!

 I don’t easily get crushes on anyone but good lord I’m a mess around him. May effect.

Mc Holden Lamoste is no. 12 in the roster. He’s a good dancer, although he may have been nervous during his talent, he’s a talker, he addresses everyone with a mid arm bump, he smiles like a man who just found 1000 pesos on the ground out of nowhere, he knows how to tease and he talks like he’s gay. Maybe that’s why there is a pull.

 The Macky Pull?

 What the heck. I don’t want it, but I have it. Just like a pimple or a bad tummy moment. Okay that’s just an out of context analogy. All I’m saying is he is incredibly attractive.

 I know how to talk to boys. To everyone really, fuck it, I host. But when we chat, I’m nervous. Incredibly. I missed this feeling. Butterflies. Sunshine on a face, smiling for no God-damned reason.

 I know it’s going nowhere, he is straight, allegedly, as he claimed.

 But if we become friends, I wouldn’t laugh about it really. I need a little more laughter, though and even just watching him lose his bones from dancing too much does the trick.

 …

 The trick I used this year to improve my mental state was to just live in the moment.

 I’ve read somewhere that if you repeat the same pattern of behaviour in your daily operations and expect different results, you are pathologically insane. I didn’t want to be insane. I had to change my game if I want to change my life.

 I started writing in my journals, my unicorn book and my foxes book, compared the entries from my old journals and I saw my pattern of behaviour before. I had so much entitlement. I was so entitled to thinking I could hate everything. My life, the people around me, the circumstances and the harsh experiences I had to deal with at a young age. I was just being human, yes, but it wasn’t an excuse. When I read my entries now, I just smile. The difference is mesmerizing. I write more things of which I am grateful for.

 I have accomplished more things. I’m now a third year student (this is the oddest ever, I never last a year anywhere, I have an extreme case of drapetomania, because of my set-up as a young child, always in another land, nowhere permanent. Corazon Gitano) I have assisted in not one but 3 pageants including the one I competed in, okay I did a lot, my body might be tired but my soul isn’t. THIS IS STRANGE.

When I was hosting that eve of 22nd, I made a conscious decision to make sure I leave with a smile, to find a version of fun that I had never had before.

 Here’s a toast to more things to accomplish.

 Here’s a toast to a the brave hearts.

 Here’s a toast to life.

 Fuck. I’m so happy.

 This is my happiness painted in words. Thank you for reading my happiness. I hope you find and paint yours, too.

[63824peace]

Sunday, 2nd of october 2005

I lost my shoes in last night's dream. I exited a plane and realized: "I am barefoot! My shoes aren't here… I must have forgotten them!"

I spoke with someone who worked for the airline, but he didn't know a thing about my shoes. I couldn't even remember when I lost them. When did I take them off? Perhaps I never wore them to begin with.

As I panicked, I traveled from place to place looking for my shoes; yet, none of these locations shared a border or had any means of physical connection. I simply was there, then in another place, and then another.

...and then the exam started! I suddenly remembered! I had to take that exam!

Was it a trial exam? An entrance exam? I had no clue! And even though the exam had started, I kept looking for my shoes. I gave up on taking the exam, but not on looking for my shoes. Everything became unclear... why I lost my shoes... memory weakened.

And on that subject, why was I even on that plane? Where was I going?

Feeling confined, constricted, I woke up.

It was an unpleasant dream. My body felt heavy.

I took a morning drive to prevent the battery in the car from weakening. I listened to my new music while I drove: The Tears and H.I.M.

My musical tastes aren't eclectic. I rarely listen to metal with the exception of the band Apocalyptica. Metal's aesthetic displeases me completely: the cover art, the logos, the fashion, the overall art design... even the music itself. I need more than just the music itself to think well of metal. I need to enjoy the cover art, the logotype, the fashion, and the art design; the total aesthetic counts.

Please understand, I don't mean that metal music is absolutely bad. I simply don't enjoy it.

Yet many people in Kojima Productions are fans of metal music, especially those who were born in the 1970's. They listen to metal quite a lot.

Maybe it's a simple matter of a generation gap. Shin-chan and Toyopy are practically experts in metal. Their generation traveled along the road of trends that took music from progressive to metal. My generation listened to progressive music at the same time that we encouraged punk rock onward. I suppose that makes people of my generation a little twisted!

A world of difference exists between two generations.

H.I.M.'s new album has some catchy melodies, so I found it pleasant to listen to. It is closer to the Romantic movement in hard rock during the 1980's than to metal. I expect that the group will have many female fans.

This will be their fifth album, even though it's their debut release in Japan. I was surprised by the introduction to the music on the first track. It's practically like listening to Goblin itself!

H.I.M. is from Finland, as is Apocalyptica. Music from Northern Europe is simple and sentimental... so pure, it's almost rural, provincial. In order to survive in such a harsh and cold environment, the people seek music that connects directly to the soul and the mind.

I read an article about Maruzen closing its business in yesterday's Asahi Journal Evening Edition. It claims that many people are leaving lemons in the department store, just like the main character in Motojiro Kajii's short story titled LEMON. Coincidentally, I learned that many people are buying LEMON from the bookstore inside Maruzen.

LEMON is featured in school textbooks; there aren't many Japanese who don't know the story. I am fond of the story myself. I learned the name Maruzen for the first time through LEMON. To be perfectly honest... I left a lemon in Maruzen when I was a high school student. My friend did the same.

It must have been a nuisance for the people who worked there. I feel a bit sorry for having done it.

I’m sad that Maruzen is closing business, but I'm pleased to know that witty people still live in Japan. The knowledge relieves me somewhat.

Today, the Subsistence team rests before starting the final phase. Around my boot, everything is quiet. The MGA2 team is animated, however. MGA2 will be released in the same month as Subsistence.

The situation here is getting serious. Staff morale has improved since the debugging and adjustments on the game are going well. This is a good atmosphere to have when we are entering the final stages. At times like these, we need to know whether or not our work has resulted in a product that pleases us. If the results make us think, "Well, that's okay," then we will work hard to make it better than "okay" with the remaining time; right until the very end. If we think, "That looks bad," then we try to complete it as soon as possible. We don't spend much more time on it than necessary.

Our effectiveness comes from our understanding of what we create. A garbage game is always recognized as a garbage game by its creators.

Checking the three discs of Subsistence takes a lot of time, but MGA2 contains a lot of material too. One play-through of MGA2 takes about 30 hours, so we need to develop a schedule for ourselves.

I am finishing Subsistence first.

I checked all of the 3D images of the Sabra girls. The "space" of the real world that we experience day-to-day exists in this game, as opposed to the "space" that one sees in a television show. For example, assume that there is a scene in a television show wherein the camera rolls toward one of the Sabra girls for a close-up. In a television show, the scene would be cut there.

Not so with TOBIDAC!D.

The scene continues, and the girls watch the camera - and me - for eternity. I feel so embarrassed in front of them, I plead, "Please, stop, that's enough!" I feel as though I am really with them.

The three girls look really healthy and cute. In 3D, they become even more vivid! Ms. Ayumi Kinoshita is my favorite.

Since I have been so busy with TGS and GC, I again failed to submit the in-depth interview articles for which I am responsible. This makes the second month in a row that I haven't had the articles. I feel bad about this. I apologize, Mr. Okamura. I must write this month, for sure.

I am not making an excuse here, and it has had nothing to do with a lack of time. I couldn't write them because I felt like I was mentally driven into a corner. To write an article, one must clearly express one's concepts and ideas. When I was at TGS, I was talking and managing the promotional activities. I didn't feel very much like writing an article, which was my own weakness.

Mr. Teru Miyamoto, whose writing I respect, continued writing a series for a magazine even right after the Kobe (Hanshin) Earthquake. At the time, his writing was influenced heavily by the disaster.

Right now, I may not have the ability to write articles for a series.

I have decided on the movie that I'm going to write about for my article. I will watch the DVD in my personal hide-out. I've just been indecisive because this movie was in an article last month. When I mentioned next month's material to Mr. Nishimura; the only person who I can ask for advice regarding content; he responded:

"Mr. Director, that was last month's material. It's already old."

If that's his opinion, then it's probably right. What am I going to do? Should I try to find other material?

I checked the sound on the third disc, Existence, for the second part of chapter four. Though it pains me, I resolved to avoid dramatizing the gameplay aspects of the fight with The End. Players will have to put in the first disc to enjoy those scenes.

In the evening, our works (which we regard as our children) are ready. I leave them in Matsuhanan's hands.

Tomorrow morning, our "sons" head off for Aoyama. Traveling mercies to them!

[forcewindow85-blog]

I Love My Job: Beneficial Bank Exec Joanne Ryder

I Love My Job

The financial leader talks mergers, why she reads a book a week, and what it means to be one of the region's highest-paid women.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – OCTOBER 06: Beneficial Bank executive vice president & chief administrative officer Joanne Ryder speaks onstage during the Pennsylvania Conference for Women 2016 at Pennsylvania Convention Center on October 6, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Marla Aufmuth/Getty Images for Pennsylvania Conference for Women)

Joanne Ryder joined Beneficial Bank 11 years ago in July 2007 as the institution’s director of marketing, and it didn’t take long for the leader to swiftly advance at the company. By January of 2012, Ryder was named executive vice president and director of brand and strategy. Now, at 43, she’s been executive vice president and chief administration officer at the bank since April 2015.

It’s been quite the ride, Ryder explains, and with her company undergoing a major shift, the EVP says it’s important, particularly for women, to always be resilient. In her spare time, she sits on the board of the PA Conference for Women, which is back this year on Friday. Ryder explains why she reads a book a week and what it means to be one of the region’s highest-paid women.

I grew up in… the Northeast in Oxford Circle.

Growing up, the role models I had were… Dorothy Hamill and Mary Lou Retton. I had sports figures as role models for women. Madonna was popular in the music world at the time. But there weren’t that many women.

I knew I wanted to go into finance when… I never really wanted to go into finance. I just happened to get a job out of college because I was a communications major at Penn State. When I joined Commerce Bank and got exposed to that brand, that’ when I wanted to stay in finance. So I was never really interested in finance. It just kind of found me.

The best piece of advice I’ve ever got is… from a woman I worked for early on. She always told me, “Don’t ever ask for permission.” I’ve kept that in the back of my mind. I never ask for permission.

My first day on the job at Beneficial was… a very crazy day. I walked in, and they had just gone through a merger and were doubling in size. They just threw me into the fire. I had to hop on the telephone since the call center was blowing up at the time with customers calling with questions. I had to put customers on hold or transfer them to a branch. It was all hands on deck. That was 11 years ago.

Joanne Ryder (L) with Beneficial Bank colleagues. Courtesy photo.

I found my voice at Beneficial when… I decided that it was okay to have a different opinion than my peers. The one thing I find that I do much differently is, not only am I a woman, but I’m also a creative thinker and they are very analytical thinkers. I would find myself often thinking there was something wrong with me and my opinion. Once I embraced my diversity of thought, I stepped into my place here and my voice.

The last book I read was… Principles by Ray Dalio. I’m constantly reading. I read a book a week because I like to read about people who have been in the business world and are sharing their thoughts on their experience.

A TV show I’m watching right now is… HBO’s Succession.

My favorite place to relax in the region is… my Shore house in Margate that I love to go to.

On the weekends I… am a chauffeur…for my son. I take him around from sporting event to sporting event. He’s very active whether on the soccer or baseball field.

My favorite snack is… peanut M&Ms.

One thing I can’t live without is… Google. I can search anything on Google and get the answer.

My go-to power outfit is… anything Tory Burch. Huge fan!

The most difficult part of my job is… managing my CEO.

Something most people might incorrectly assume about me is… that I’m shy. I’m very quiet at first until I get very comfortable with people. 

I balance the many different roles I play by… on the business side of things, I have a strong team. I believe in hiring the best people and getting out of their way. I have people I can trust and can rely on. In my personal life, I have a great relationship with my husband. We tag team all of our chores.

Thinking creatively means… thinking without limits. Anything is possible. No idea is a bad idea. The more obscure an idea, the better it can be.

A Beneficial project I’m really proud of is… our campuses. They’re a different take on the branch store. We call them campuses because they’re a cross between an apple store, library and Starbucks. We have 14 campuses total and none of them have teller lines. There are seminars and other fun things going on. They’re open to the public.

One thing I wish I were better at is… being more patient. I’ve gotten better over the years, but it’s still not where I need to be.

Mergers are… good because it gives you a chance to take the best of both companies and create one dominant player in the market.

The future of banking will be… payments, like Apple Pay. Everything is going digital. Physical money may go away as we move to the payments space and people will adopt that.

Courtesy photo.

Chase’s entry into the Philly region means… more opportunity for local banks to serve the local market because we know it best.

Something more companies should do to address the gender wage gap is… pay people what they’re worth now instead of waiting till it’s mandated. Be proactive in making sure women and minorities are paid fairly.

Being one of the highest paid women in the Philly region means… it’s possible for any woman to be in the same spot as I am.

My role in advocating for female leaders is… never done.

The PA Women’s Conference is necessary now, more than ever, because… of the conversation taking place across the nation. The more we can talk about it and bring people together to find solutions, the better off we will be.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – OCTOBER 06: The sponsors attend the Pennsylvania Conference for Women 2016 at Pennsylvania Convention Center on October 6, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Marla Aufmuth/Getty Images for Pennsylvania Conference for Women)

My favorite memory from the PA Women’s Conference is… meeting and introducing Michelle Obama last year. The minute I met her, it felt like she was my best girlfriend.

My advice to all women is… you need to be resilient in fighting for what you believe in and what you’re trying to accomplish. You can’t stop at “no.” You have to keep pushing. With all of us pushing and pushing, eventually, and you can see it now, starting, you’ll get there. The inertia is natural. You have to have a tough skin and be resilient.

In five years, I see myself… running my own business. I’m not sure what kind yet. Something in retail. I’m fascinated by startups, and I’m trying to figure out what my idea will be. I’d like to get more involved with the startup scene here.

Source: https://www.phillymag.com/business/2018/10/10/joanne-ryder-beneficial-bank-wsfs/

[rachelclewis]

Good & Mad

The day after the election, I learned an important lesson.

Actually, I learned two important lessons.  The first is this: When you are raking leaves and you find a fun sized pouch of M&Ms that some hapless trick-or-treater lost in the chaos, do not say “Yahtzee!” and eat them.  In the week since they fell, they have been reclaimed by the earth and are no longer safe for human consumption.

The second lesson, unfortunately, left an even fouler after taste.

I was at Staples getting some copies made.  (Side note, if you sometimes wish you worked from home and not in an office setting, think about all the free copies you get when no one is looking!  It’s a nice perk, and I miss it very much.)  I had my essays for writing group and a craft pattern printed and was just about to pay, when a nicely dressed silver haired white man interrupted my conversation with the sales person to ask a question.  Let’s cast him in your imagination with the actor John Slattery.  I’m sure John Slattery is a perfectly lovely human in real life, but this guy was the same type of basic white man.  And John Slattery did that movie The Adjustment Bureau which was terrible, so I don’t feel bad fobbing this off on him.  (Spoiler alert: angels are real, but they are allergic to water.  Same basic premise as signs but with a better looking cast.)

The man at Staples completely ignored me.  He acted as if I wasn't standing there, and once he got an answer he didn't like, he began arguing his cause based on the semantics of the coupon he wanted to use. I waited to see if he was going to at least acknowledge me, as I would have done.  As the minutes ticked on, it was clear this wasn’t going to happen.  Then I thought over all the times over the last few years (since Trump was elected, basically) that I have been verbally interrupted or physically cut off or just disregarded by a white man and I have stood there thinking, "the next time this happens to me, I'm not just going to stand there like an idiot following my 'respect the priesthood' programming. I'm going to say something, dammit!"

Then I thought of an interview I heard with Rebecca Traister when her new book, Good and Mad, came out in October.  It is a book about women’s anger.  She said that she began writing it immediately after the 2016 election when she didn’t know what to do with her emotional response and the anger she saw all around her, but it had the good fortune of coming out during the Kavanaugh hearings when the anger of women in this country hit the bell at the top of that carnival attraction that tests your strength (just googled it: it is called a High Striker. The more you know!)

In that interview Rebecca Traister told a story about a friend of hers who decided that she was no longer going to step out of the way of white men plowing toward her on the sidewalk.  She decided that she had as much right to the sidewalk, and she simply stopped moving to the side.  And she body checked some people, which surprised them and delighted her.

I can’t think of a better metaphor for how I’ve been feeling since the 2016 election.  We women have been patiently waiting our turn, thinking we had achieved so much and that breaking that “glass ceiling” was basically just a technicality that would happen in time.  Be good, stay in your lane (or step out of it, but only if it serves others), and it will happen.  But then… no.  We learned.  Not only had a highly qualified female been beaten by an unqualified mediocre white man, the highest office in the land went to a misogynist and self-described pussy grabber.  We aren’t seen as equals with internal genitalia.  And all of our waiting and staying silent in the face of that pussy grabbing shit has only served to hold ourselves and our daughters back.

So women are saying, “no more!”  We are speaking up in the face of injustice!  We aren’t moving out of the road for you!  We aren’t covering for your bullshit!  And, goddamalmighty, we are not letting you bastards butt in line!”

Effectively worked up into an “I just watched Oprah” esque state of empowerment, I said, "Excuse me sir,”  I called him sir!  “But we were in the middle of a transaction. Do you mind if we finish our business?"

I was polite. I might not have been kind, but I was polite.

And he LOST his FUCKING shit.

He told me to grow up. He called me names. He used the F word multiple times. He imitated my voice. And then had the audacity to ask me “Why don’t you just grow up?”  I was shaking as I tried to pay and then tried to get out of the store but I first went to the "in" door and you have to go all the way around to the "out" door, and EVERYONE was staring at me, as if to ask what I had done to that man to deserve such a tongue lashing.

It was so bad, I went next door to Harmon's and bought myself some flowers. Then I went home, and I logged back on to my computer to focus on work… and failed.  And then I cried for nearly two hours.

I turned to Facebook and related the story, hoping my friends would tell me what I wanted to hear.  Specifically: I was right to speak up for myself.  (Meaning this man was wrong in his behavior.)  I got the reassurance I wanted, along with a few laughs, which helped stop the flow of tears.  Then a mentor of mine left a comment that read:

The man's actions were unforgivable. He's a boor, and you can bet that he's a boor at every moment of his life. I suspect that standing your ground with him would have escalated what was brutal and painful. This guy lives on escalation--especially with women. You might have turned to the clerk and asked that the clerk verify that you were mid-transaction. So sorry you had to go through this.

“Boor.”  That was the word, exactly.  “An unrefined, ill-mannered person.”  I belive completely that he wouldn’t have responded to me the way he had if I were a man.  Or even if I had been accompanied by a man.  Either way, there would have been some respect of the equality of status.  I can’t prove it, of course.  I believe that sexism was at the core of the exchange, as I believe it is why he ignored me in the first place.  

I’ve thought a great deal about this exchange over the last few weeks.  It is shocking how easy it was to kick that hornets’ nest by asking for something so basic as adherence to the line system.  Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if it hadn’t been the day after the election.  Maybe he was on edge because of the Democrats taking back the house.  Maybe I was feeling more piss and vinegar in my veins for the same reason?  I don’t know.

I have decided that I don't regret standing up for myself. And I would do the same thing over again, and I will next time, even having had this experience of being put back in my place. I reject the binary choice that I seem to have: I can either be a doormat or a bitch.  I can't control the way others respond.  Especially those who are accustomed to inspiring doormat behavior in those around them.  Maybe I will start carrying my Dudeist Priest badge in my wallet so the next time this happens I can pull it out and say, "Respect MY priesthood, bitch!