#legitimately when i saw this message i started to get emotional irl

[swordsmans]

So, after the Big Tumblr FF.net scare, I went to check my account and the fics I loved there, right? Imagine my surprise when I see that one of my fav one piece fic ever, called "Always Gold" by kokune - that hadn't been updated for YEARS - had a new chapter.

Then, imagine my even bigger surprise realizing that this author I had loved for so long had actually been that new AO3 writer I had been enjoying the fics of, while thinking they were somewhat familiar.

Honnestly, best fucking feeling ever. My favourite OP author of when I was 14 is the one I just found under another name. God, I am so glad to know it's you. You have no idea how much I have grieved your writing.

You don't know me, but man, I missed you SO fucking much. 😭

oh my god in all seriousness, though--HI, HELLO, HI!!! YES!!! THAT WAS ME!!! oh my god!!!! thank you so, so, so much. this means SO MUCH TO ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. i have honestly been so overwhelmed and overjoyed with how welcoming the fandom has been since coming back (specifically so many wonderful zolu fans??? omg???) and the fact that you remember my really old stuff is just OVERWHELMING. thank you so, so, so much. SO MUCH!!! this means the WORLD to me!!!!

[azumasoroshi]

i am in a storytelling mood and you all will now be forced to listen to it

So back in sophomore year, I had this final project for the end of the year. We had to make a book trailer with a partner, and our book was Patron Saints of Nothing by Randy Ribay. It's about this high schooler who goes to the Philippines to investigate why his cousin died.

Our school was not an art school; it was just a regular public high school, and so we were not expected to draw the whole thing. We were expected to find some videos, or film ourselves acting stuff out, or use Ken Burns effects on stock images in iMovie. My partner certainly thought that using stock images would be a good idea, and she legitimately saw no problem with the original "final product" of our iMovie low budget shitty production.

However, my dumbass was excited, because I liked animating and the plot of the book allowed for some very interesting imagery. I had ideas, oh so many ideas.

I was a fool.

Because the one fatal thing my dumbass forgot to take into consideration was that I was, and still am, a serial procrastinator.

(the trailer is below the cut)

So, after getting pretty much nothing done, midnight arrived on the due date. And I was terrified, but in that "eh it doesn't really matter" kind of terrified way because I was an emotionless husk and couldn't feel any emotions other than “welp”.

I had maybe 10 seconds done of what was roughly supposed to be a 1 minute and 30 second long video.

My English class started at 10:05.

“Well you had 10 hours, Soro-“ NO I DIDNT

because i had to LEAVE for school at 6:30 and i had chemistry, java, and health between 7:30 and 10:00 so i couldn’t do any of my work during those periods.

So I had about 6 hours to make an entire book trailer. Whoop.

I started off well enough with the Gising Na Ph! posts. Except I didn’t start off well at all and I spent at least two of my six hours trying to figure out how hands worked before finally letting go of any honor I had left in my being and just tracing stock images.

Now, my partner had gotten a few good images on her version of the movie, which she’d graciously sent to me so that I could scrap most of it. And I wasn’t intending to use any of them in the slightest, but by this point it was about 2 am, and I figured I should hustle a little bit. I was planning to import her iMovie into my iMovie and take the photos from there. Easy enough, right?

NO

The file got corrupted somehow and I had to reverse image search every single image that I wanted to use by screenshotting them from the movie rather than having the photos themselves. And for some inexplicable reason, I wanted to try to resemble my partner’s movie as closely as possible, which meant using the same photos. Could I have just found different stock photos? Yes. Was I in my right mind at the time? No. Did I even consider trying to find different photos? Not until 5 am.

Now, along with the movie being corrupted, that also meant that my partner’s recorded voice lines were inaccessible to me. That meant I had to record my own. At 5 am.

I have several friends who are very talented voice actors. They live in Britain, so it wasn’t too early for them. They’d already expressed that they were willing to help two weeks prior, back when I thought I wasn’t going to procrastinate. Should I have asked them? Hell fucking yes. Did I? Well, I just so happened to ask the only one of them that wasn’t awake at the time. Luck and reason are on my side, clearly.

5:30 am, I realized that my friend probably wasn’t going to answer on time. And it just so happened that one of my irl friends had woken up, for some ungodly reason like sleeping on time or something. I quite literally begged him to record two voice lines for me, and lo and behold, he actually did it. He sounded deader on the inside than me, but his character just so happened to require being dead inside, so that ended up working out. He recorded the voice lines on Notability. That was pretty funny.

(around 6 am my british friend saw my message and he was like oh shit whoops ill do it now and i had to awkwardly explain to him that i found a replacement. that wasnt a fun conversation to have at 6 am)

6:30 am I was in the car. The movie was almost done; I just needed one final image of Jun and Jay together, and I wasn’t going to find that on Google Images. I drew it during health class. My teacher definitely noticed and was probably pissed.

10:00 am. I actually went into the bathroom stalls during the 5 minute transition period between classes, pulled out my headphones, and listened to the whole thing just to check it over. (I’m overly paranoid about how loud my voice is in recordings due to a certain incident that won’t be explained in this post) It sounded fine. Everything was fine. It was all good.

10:05 am, English started. A few other groups went before me. I was ready to present. I had the movie open on my iPad, and I was resigned to my fate. I tried my hardest, somehow. That was enough. My partner hadn’t gotten to check over my movie at all, so she had no idea what was about to happen. That was fine.

11:00 am. Class...ended?

waiit shit that isn’t right. i spent all night working on that movie trailer and i didnt get to present it???

WELL, as it turns out, my AirPlay wasn’t working or something and the method of sharing to Google Drive was apparently too time-consuming, so I had to present the next day. A whole nother 24 hours, just handed to me like that. I could do anything I wanted with the movie in that period of time.

What the fuck.

“So you definitely removed the stock photos and made your movie even better in that time, right, Soro?” oh FUCK no dude i got home at 3, yelled to my friends for an hour about how mad I was, and then fell asleep at 4 pm and didn’t wake up until 6:00 am.

I presented this movie the next day.

I got an A+.

[dedkake]

So. Here’s something about me. I’ve seen the Star Wars movies more times than I can count. I love them. Star Wars is part of my fandom life on the internet and part of my life IRL. BUT. TLJ happened. I saw TLJ once or twice in theaters, and that’s it.

I know there’s been a lot of meta on TLJ over the past few years, but I watched it again last night because my mom asked me--to prepare for tros. And now I have enough emotional distance to finally say things about it. feel free to ignore, as most of it is complaining.

Problems:

1. Pacing -- what the hell. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

2. Holdo and Leia’s lesson for Poe. WHAT THE HELL. His problem, that he says out loud, multiple times, is that he just wants to KNOW what the plan is. Not that he wants to take over or change things. He literally just wants reassurance that they’re not all gonna die because they’re in a terrible situation and the leader he knows and trusts is in a coma--so can this new leader do something to show his team some respect and earn trust. Holdo is played off as SUCH A LEADER AND HERO but she’s NOT. Part of being a leader is yes, being able to see a solution and go for it even when the people around you don’t see it yet. But it’s also super important to give your team a vision for where you’re taking them. Inspire them into action, don’t just assume they’ll do whatever you say--definitely don’t do that right off the bat. And you need to recognize different personalities on your team and work with them all. Poe’s personality and problems are swept under the rug by Leia and Holdo with a smirk and a laugh, even though they are legitimate (like, tell me we have a plan not to die). They know he’s the type of guy to rush in and save the day and take over, so why not work with that instead of yelling at him and talking down to him and kicking him off the bridge??????? Seems like you’re setting yourself up for failure, ladies.

3. Kylo Ren is irredeemable -- which is a terrible message for star wars. The entire franchise is set up around the fact that Vader is redeemable. He went to the dark side because he wanted to save people and felt restricted by the Jedi Order. He wasn’t a bad person. Luke was able to convince him of that again. COOL. AMAZING. But now Kylo has done so much crap that one movie to redeem him would be like a slap to the face. He hasn’t earned it. We know nothing about his struggle, really, besides that one time he mistakenly thought Luke was gonna kill him so he killed a bunch of kids at his school and ran off to join an evil army that he learned about by secretly communicating with its leader (and isn’t THAT a heavy-handed message). That’s not enough for a redemption arc. It won’t be enough. And that SUCKS. 

4. Luke’s entire story. It’s just not Luke. I hate it.

5. Romantic love being used like That. Where did it come from? I’m sorry, according to this movie they’ve known each other for a handful of HOURS. Why does she have to kiss him in order to show the message of saving what you love??? Why is romance the best way to show that??????????? Also, she’s been working off her sister’s sacrifice the entire movie (yknow, a few HOURS) and that sacrifice was not romantically charged. Why does Rose’s have to be??????????? Maybe this is just a complaint of my aroace self, but it just came out of the blue and doesn’t jive with any of the other stories being told?

6. I still really honestly do not understand the first order. Its structure? Its purpose? How it came to be??? Like. I’m sure there’s lots of places I could go to get that info, but it’s not clear in the arc of the movies alone, so that’s not good enough.

7. The heavy-handed lesson on war profiteering. This was just not subtle at all. There was no nuance and it didn’t fit in with the other stories being told. Like. How hard would it be to weave this into the larger story in a more meaningful way?????????????? Example: They actually go work with this code breaker and in the course of working with him, find out that he knows so much about First Order tech because he helps (present tense!) design it. He’s in it for the money from both sides. Or, what if they needed a part for one of their own ships, not a code for First Order stuff, and they go to find their supplier and learn THEN about the money made from war and the fact that people profit off both sides??????? Idk man. Do better.

8. The heavy-handedness of all the lessons in this movie. What the hell? Protect what you love. Save lives instead of being a hero. Hope needs to be there even when you can’t see the light. Destroy stuff in order to start over fresh and strong. People make money off wars, the good side and the bad. Rich people are evil because they take advantage of kids and animals. What the hell? Why did we need to be slapped in the face with lines about all of this? Multiple times??? Are we just done building stories that teach us things through actions rather than words? It’s just all so shallow. Let me see these problems during this movie, let the characters see what happens when you don’t do those things, when you don’t recognize them--and then let them change because of it. Bad things happened to all the characters (still most mad about profiteering) and then someone just told them what they should learn from it, before the characters or the audience even had time to process what had happened.

9. The idea that rebellions need to be almost completely destroyed to start over. The idea that anything that isn’t working correctly needs to be completely destroyed in order to be fixed (Jedi order and resistance). I’m sorry. That’s not as hopeful as you think. I get cleansing fire stories. I do. They have their place. But on this scale? To wipe out hundreds or thousands of people in the resistance to finally get to a point where it can work?? This would make sense if the resistance was full of corruption, but that’s not shown AT ALL. Or it cold make sense if this was tied into the story of war profiteering, and all the parts of the rebellion that were being capitalized on were destroyed (i mean, they were, but that wasn’t shown--the people were shown). At least with the Jedi Order, they showed us that there was corruption and hubris and that things needed to be balanced out. What’s the balance found between a corrupt government killing all the people resisting it??????????? Don’t put these two stories on the same plane please. Terrible message, sorry.

10. The fact that Rey has like 0 training. It’s been pretty heavily laid on us in the entire Star Wars franchise that training is important and takes a long time. Even Luke trains for multiple movies in the original trilogy, and it’s seen as pretty hasty training. I understand that there’s a critique of the way the Jedi do things but -- is the lesson we really want to go with that anyone can wield this power untrained and without study????? Education, training, experience--those are all very important in gaining self-control and wisdom.

Things i liked and had not realized or forgotten:

1. The lesson that the way to defeat evil is to love and protect is cool. More than cool. It’s a great lesson. I have NO IDEA why it needs to be so heavy handed, either. And again, stop with the romantic love being the epitome of that.

2. Yoda’s force ghost convincing Luke to get his butt into gear and move on from protecting/living in the past. Luke was stuck, and Yoda was so Yoda to get him out of being stuck and it was lovely. Although, I’m not sure what’s served by not including a scene of Rey taking the books. Why did she do it? What was she thinking? Was it a hard choice for her? Was it Yoda and not Rey????

3. We need a legend. From the first moment of this story Rey is trying to become like what she thinks Luke is--the guy who saw good in everyone including Vader and defeated the Empire because of it. Which is AWESOME. What a cool idea, people trying to live up to their heroes to defeat evil empires. GREAT. Frustration again: after this movie, I don’t want her to succeed with Kylo. Which SUCKS because it’s my favorite thing about Star Wars. (can you get more iconic than throwing away your light saber in the middle of your final battle and saying that you’re not gonna fight anymore???????)

4. I just love Rey, Finn, and Poe. They are so GOOD. All of them.Every time they’re on screen, I’m so HAPPY.

[riskeith]

you just responded and i nyoomed to answer. yes my days consist of waiting for you. yes i’m not ashamed to admit it. <3

that makes so much sense actually? like A Lot of sense. i don’t think you should feel bad about that at all i mean if you are comfortable with how you perceive them then by all means! haha! what’s fun about fanfics is that people can take one character and shape them in so many different ways. canon doesn’t anyways give us depth to characters yet writers do which 🙏🏽 godsent. but then again, it can feel weird if someone makes them behave like ~someone~ else haha. i remember it used to be a hot topic in voltron actually, where people would portray lance as a weak and emotional guy only even if he’s arguably the bravest and most bamf... people didn’t like that very much. do you know what i’m talking about?

I’M SO EXCITED TO READ ALL OF THESE. thank you so much you just set my late night weekend plans 😏. and oh god esselle is the ao3 writer. i love their bnha fics so much. can’t wait to read their haikyuu stuff as well. kagehina too... 🥺 dude, i saw some oikage things last night and i have my eyes open.. 👁 i know you like them a lot so hm... i’ll definitely read that as well i love the summary already.

he’s puppy-like so would he like to play in the water? i want to say so, just bc i think it would be cute for him to splash around 🥺

just one?? wow now i get what you meant in your earlier messages, shskdhsk. all my current friends i’ve known since we were children, i don’t even know how to make new friends irl tbh.... AND SAME!!!! CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS GO BRR. and god the best thing is how things change but at the same time they don’t? like they start to notice little things and realize they’ve always liked them? or the ‘i thought best friends felt like this towards each other’.... aaaaaaaah. 🥺 but then again enemies to lovers.. the tension and the yearning? the moment everything just snaps? god i couldn’t pick my favorite i don’t think. i just love those two so much equally hahah.

if it’s cyberpunk vibes i will combust. i love those aesthetics so much.. (waiting for ps5 to restock so i can run around in night city in cyberpunk 2077 forever.) but yeah it makes sense for it to be themed like that but it’s so funny to think about transporting from the whispering woods to like... large billboards and grungy streets. AR 35?? oh that’s must earlier than i expected. so i take it the main story isn’t done yet?

how sexy, even though this blog is just our messenger app at this point snskdhkddhj.. once again, i’m sorry riskeith stans.. 🙏🏽

i wish i could get you all the cotton candy in the world. and wow kenma HAIR!! sounds so cute but wait oh my god,,, do you have short hair,....... 😳💗💓💕👁💘💝💓😭💗👀💖💓💘💝💞 do you? 😳💢 how was it shaving everything? must’ve been such a big decision!! 😳

ikr? like most of the fics i’ve read portrays them as a angst ship which i do love a lot but you’re right it’s funny bc in canon they’re just.. supportive idiots. i think it’s the oikawa fangirls thing and iwa being annoyed by it that people get hooked on. at least i think since it’s almost always there in the fics... :+ DO YOU LIKE IT? i’m so obsessed with it i saw a edit on ig with klance and that song earlier and it fits them so well too... 🥺 anyway back to iwaoi, i think i like writing from iwa’s pov actually? i haven’t tried writing much from oikawa’s yet but idk.,, iwa’s personality just speaks to me. also i like that oikawa’s personality is so complex to understand, it’s easier to spice up the angst that way. (I DON’T 🥺 it’s such a sad topic for me bc it’s my ultimate dream to drive but it costs soo much money to get it here and i’ve been too busy to invest... 😭 wbu?????) I KNOW MEMO AND OH MY GODNESS? i’m sure the fic is sooo good oh god.... the vibes. 😭 please tell me what it’s about. please. 🙇🏽‍♀️

OH it means that i’m just gonna reread your fics until you post something new... here i thought i was being clever and cute shshskdhdks

STOP YOU KEEP MAKING ME SO EXCITED aaaa ma’am please... think about my heart. 🥺

here’s a new topic to discuss; are you a coffee or tea person? (or neither.. please don’t say so)

kiss, m.a. 💘

i keep forgetting to check whether you’ve responded or not before shutting down my laptop and i’m left to answer on my phone 😭😭 and i too spend my days awaiting your responses <333 but i always forget to check after a period of time HFJSKFKSKCKNC i swear i’m checking like once every 5 min but the moment i forget you respond NCKSNDN

bro (do you mind being called stuff like that lol) writers give us everything canon is too cowardly to give.… truly blessed 🙏🙏 yeah i do!! there are a lot of complaints about mischaracterisation in hq fandom too actually… which i think is fair enough but at the end of the day just let these people have their fun you know.. it’s not harming anyone and if you don’t like it just don’t read! lol

i haven’t read much of esselle’s bnha actually (aside from tdbk) but i just know they’re absolutely amazing!!!!!! absolute legend i hope (i know you will tho hehe) you enjoy her kagehina toooo. and yes oikage!!!!!! omg pls 😭😭😭 i wish they were more popular aaaa

🥺🥺🥺 razor in one of those baby pools.. RAZOR WITH POOL FLOATIES!!! my goodness 😭😭😭😭

fjksnxksndm yeah but i think i might be an outlier in that… LOL oops. and you’re so right like they just grew up together and like grew in love it’s so natural and just comes to them like they were always supposed to be together and they are <333 bc soulmates <33333 BUT YEAHHH THE MOMENT EVERYTHING SNAPS YOU KNOW IT!!!!! god when person A SAVES person B even tho they’ve “hated” them the entire time...… but when they were faced with a tough circumstance they realised they couldn’t bear the thought of being without them 😩😩👌👌👌👌👌👌

omg ps5.… ngl i considered buying a ps console so i could play the last of us 2 chxjjskskxjxjs. have you seen all the cyberpunk memes tho? lolol. nah main story isn’t done!! i think the main story is supposed to develop all 7 worlds until we find our sibling so like.… it ain’t gonna be over for a LONGGGG time (lol omg could you imagine if mih*y* pulled a me and like 4 worlds in was just ‘ok soz i’m uninterested now you can imagine how the game would’ve gone’ HFJSJFKSKFKDJ)

HAHAHAHHA it legitimately is. riskeith who??? more like marriage anon stan account. fjdkfnnd anyways to my other followers hope y’all are enjoying the show 🤪

i do have short hair rn!!! lowkey a bowl cut but i’m also trynna grow out a mullet djksndksnd. and having a shaved head was so nice.. i literally just couldn’t stop touching it after cjskckksnfks. and it wasn’t that big of a decision to me tbh i’m not that fussed about my hair like i know some other people are djskkd the biggest obstacle was getting my parents to agree 💀💀💀 (much like i am trying now..…) i used to have my hair long for ballet, but once i quit i just kept getting it cut shorter and shorter and then voila! shave. GJDJKSKDND

true.. jealous iwa.. i have that in one of my wips i believe FJSJJCKSKDK (it might even be in the memo fic?) AND UHHHH i didn’t love the song ;–; it’s just… slow HFKALDLAKDK and not the mood i was in when i heard it cjdkslxllskcjskcnkscnkzmxmcm omg no not klance 😭😭 they have a lot of angst too.. (i say, as if there isn’t a single klance fic of mine that doesn’t have angst JFJDJSKDJ) OMG YOU LIKE WRITING IWA POV TOO???? you 🤝 me iwa kin. i joke that it’s because i, much like him, am very much in love with oikawa. (aw no i’m so sorry for bringing it up 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i’m on my learner’s rn!) IVE POSTED THE OUTLINE ONCE (not a good sign… LMAO) https://kaheyama.tumblr.com/post/190015338287/yall-want-some-iwaoi-angst THERE!! also wait i just realised it has manga spoilers.… maybe don’t look fjdknfjd (you could stop after “pining iwaizumi hajime” but i don’t want to accidentally spoil you 😭😭)

JFKSKSLAKFKSKCJLSKD IM so sorry it WAS clever and cute my brain was just not big enough at the moment to understand 😭😭😭😭😭 but thank u as always i appreciate 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 so honoured you would even think about going back to them lord knows i don’t KFKSJSKA

HEHEHE NO MERCY!!! but ok ok i shall lay low until the day comes 😋😋😋

tea!! simply bc i can’t sleep if i drink coffee fjskfjsj. but that’s been happening with tea too so i haven’t even had tea recently 😭😭😭😭😭 flavour wise i think i like coffee more but also you get so much more variety with tea? hm. HAHA. hbu??

hugssss, c.r. 💝

[guyinlovewitheremika]

Dude serious question here : how are you still single ? Judging from your blog you seem so cute and friendly and an overrall fun person to be around. I for one would have loved to get to know you irl. But well keep up your amazing blog, I wish you the best in life

Aww anon that’s really sweet of you haha. Hope you have an amazing life too.

I used this opportunity for a little bit of self-analysis, which I’m keeping under-read since it’s not the main content of this blog. Quite frankly it failed and I don’t recommend reading.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I started writing with a huge plan, it didnt work out and now only half the thing is here, and by itself, it makes no bloody sense. I still wanna keep it here simply for myself, but anyone reading this rn will probs only get an incomplete and thusly inaccurate picture of what I’m trying to paint. 

Okay, so here’s the thing. I started writing this huge thing with a clearly mapped out thought process in mind, it had structure and whatnot. Unfortunately an event I even described in my analysis, a change of my mental state, prohibited me from finishing my writing---this is thus very incomplete, lacking many arguments and most importantly an actual conclusion. I doubt I’ll ever reconnect to this particular text anyway, but I still felt like sharing it as I considered it to be a very accurate depiction my head up until the point where I got lost. So even though it’s totally lackluster and incomplete, I’m still sharing it here because I feel like I owe it to myself. Anyway. After this follows the introduction I had originally written. Since I posted this for myself, the chance of me answering asks, replies or messages about this is very little, partially for reasons explained below. AnYwAY

Le forum ofdeath and sucks balls what the fuck

You'reprobably just a lovely anon who wanted to say something nice and cheer me up,and believe me, it's appreciated^^ This extended response shouldn't be takenpersonal by you in any way at all, I simply saw an opportunity for me to writethings down I've been meaning to write down for a long time. Thing is, there'sabout a 0% chance of me talking to over people what's really going on in myhead unless I'm prompted to do so--unless there're huge indicators of therebeing legitimate interest in my psyche, I aint talking, and even then, the chancesremain slim. Granted, your message wasn't really a direct inquiry or whateverbut I've had this shit in my system so long that it's more than sufficient forme to let lose. Warning: basically everything below (and even above) are mypersonal observations of myself, and most likely don't make a ton of sense foranyone who isn't, well, me. "Translating" all of this into anythingcomprehensible outside of my head is gonna be tricky enough, but I still feellike doing it. The purpose of this text is ultimately for self-analysis; uponwriting things down it can clarify or explain certain thoughts, and that'sreally waht I'm after. I don't want to shove my own analysis of my mentalsituation down my followers throats, I'm writing and posting this only for myselfto be affected by the process of doing so; thusly, once more, this will potentiallybarely make any sense for anyone, but it's not supposed to for anyone exceptme, so in essence, don't read too much into this post.

Long assintroduction

Damn

Anyway, let'sget started, and back to the original question, how are you still single.

BecauseBOI, there's a plethora of reasons, mostly tied to my relationship with myselfand my surroundings, and that's what I wanna talk about here.

First ofall, yeah. Guy does seem like a fun, sweet person to have around here, doesn'the? You're not the first person to tell me that, and I'm not saying that tofeed on my ego or whatever, but because this perception of Guy isn't unique. Iget nice and lovely anons, Barely and hate towards me as a person despite arather rapidly growing follower count, I've even made a ton of onlinefriendships over the span of months, and those folks generally don't seem tohate Guy either, for similar reasons. That's all good and fun, and ofc Iappreciate people who're sympathetic towards me, but that's because here ontumblr and over on discord, I'm Guy. The dude who absolutely loooves snk, whoknows a lot about the series, who tries to help people out and is pretty wankfree (that's an over-the-top, stereotyped description simply for the sake ofgetting the general point across).

The problemis that "Guy" is a periodic, temporary and very much incompleterepresentation of my identity. Now of course, the following dialogue can quicklyfall into the "edgy-teenager-YouKnowMyNameButNotMyStory" trope whichtypically disqualifies any rationality accompanied by the claims, but for thesake of argument, I'd like to give my analytical skills more credit than a 21stcentury stereotype. The basic point I'm trying to make here is this: the"real", "complete" version of myself has more to it thanjust the blogger you know as "Guy", and that's simply because myonline presence is very filtered. Whenever I'm posting on my blog or talking tomy friends on discord, I'm being Guy. My mental state, my thought process, andmy emotional balance is that of SnK loving Guy. The thing is, whenever there'sa change in my mental state, a variation, one that differs from who we know as"Guy", Guy shuts down, and so does my activity. I'm not blogging24/7, I'm not being constantly Guy. And I'm not chatting 24/7 either, myfriends may confirm this: I often stop talking in the middle of conversations,stop responding, reduce or cease my current activity all together. Occasionallythat's caused by irl disturbances, but for the most part, the issue lies in avariation within my mental state, one that disrupts my situation of being Guy,causing a discrepancy between my activity and my thought process concerning myactivity. In simpler (and seriously overblown) terms, I temporarily stop beingthe person I just was (this being Guy), and swap to a different mental state, onethat differs from being Guy.

This allprobably sounds ludicrous and absolutely over the top, and I apologize for that.It's not as if I have "multiple personalities" in my head, orschizophrenia, or whatever. These varying mental states I'm describing aren'ttotally different people, but...different facades of myself, if that makes anysense.  It probably doesn't, so let meprovide you with a possibly explanative analogy, to visualize everything. Letssay you're playing and RPG, and you have your core character. You level him up,gain experience, skills, and whatnot. That's default form of your character,lacking equipment and whatnot. However, in order to adapt to the constantlychanging environments and opponents you face, you need equipment, and the onlyoptions you have are various, predetermined armor and weapon sets. There's adifferent, unique type for every situation-one for each environment and eachenemy. The only problem is this: they come with a predetermined set of statsand skills. Parts of the sets cannot be exchanged with one another, and youcan't use multiple ones either. What's worse is that, despite the varyinglevels of skills you may have obtained on your core character, these arepartially or even entirely overwritten when donning one of the sets--you can'tverify or even use these stats and skills of your core character, as they'relocked away by whatever set you use. Only in down times, when in your hideout,all by yourself, can you take off the sets and access your stats andskills--only then does the experience you obtained when using the sets actuallyappear, only then can you observe your core character as a whole. That's moreor less what my head looks like, from my POV. Granted, this by no means is atotally accurate representation--it's flawed, it ignores certain other aspects,doesn't universally apply to me either, and ultimately, has no proof. However,I feel like this is the closest approximate description I can offer at themoment, and ultimately just am example to allow for some visualization--not auniversal truth or affirmation.

But let'stake a closer look at these equipment sets, or mental states, as I like to callthem. One of my favorite movies over the past years was the sci-fi flicArrival--Denis Villeneuve's thought provoking tale about extraterrestrialcreatures showing up on our planet and humanities attempt to interact with them.One of it's major elements was the use of language, and one theme in particularfascinated me: the theory that speaking in another language can potentiallymodify, or even rewire your brain and thought process. It's something Icouldn't agree more with. I fluently speak three languages, and, given myliving and educational situation, typically switch between all three of themmultiple times a day. I don't want to assume anyone's thoughts or feelings, butI'm certain I'm not the only one who has different relationships with thelanguages they speak, and who feel different depending on the used language.It's a pretty natural thing. Another thing we can probably all agree on is that,depending with whom we're interacting, or under which exterior circumstances(such as location), our precise way to express ourselves may sometimes vary--youmay act in a certain way with one person in a certain place, and act verydifferently with another person in a different place. Well, of course I can'tclaim that to be a universal truth for every person on the planet, but I'vecertainly heard other people describe it before, and I've felt it from otherstoo. It's there, sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe it's totally natural, aneveryday feeling for everyone involved, and maybe I'm just too weak to be ableto counteract the consequences, but who knows. My primary issue stems from the fact that, I'm taking this varyingcircumstances and their consequences to a ridiculous level. Depending on mylanguage, my location, the time of day and the people I'm with, my expressionof myself, my (from an exterior POV observable) personality, if you want to, isborderline subject to change. "Guy" in many ways I can't mentallygrasp at the moment is fundamentally different from the person you mayencounter under specific, different circumstances.

Now ofcourse, this probably is something felt by other people alone, I'm not somehowspecial by feeling that way, probably just too weak to deal with it. But onething I can say with absolute certainty is that the consequences of thevariations has an effect on my surrounding. An example in my family: due to hisjob, my father is rarely at home, and I'm typically left with my mother, withwhom I have a rather close and positive relationship with. On the days myfather is there however, our relationship changes, my general mood is affected,and my expression of myself heavily changes. Once again, I'm sure I'm notunique in that way, I'm sure it's a normal, human concept, it just seems toaffect me really much. This isn't just limited to important, deep relationshipslike me and my parents, but its present in really every situation. Example, Imay desire to spend time with my friends at school when there, but back home,in a different mental state, that desire disappears entirely. I often don'treply to messages for weeks, and rarely ever initiate communication by myself,which can be totally different in another mental state. See, and that's one ofthe primary issues. My relationships with pretty much everyone are heavilymodified and affected by the changes in my mental state based on circumstancesand whatnot. If we follow that logic, any intimate or romantic relationshipwould be affected too. And that's one of the cruxes here: I couldn't possiblyentertain one particular mental state throughout the entirety of anoverarching, important relationship with someone. There would be instances inwhich my mental state would vary, and I would in turn be severely affected thischange, but this non-given, non-evident relationship with a significant otherwouldn't just...stop existing, wouldn't temporarily be on hold until I've returnedto a mental state appropriate of said relationship. You can't put it on hold,you can't neglect all of that while waiting for your brain to return to anadequate state. There's continuity and effort and ultimately something enduringwithin a relationship, but that's incredibly hard to entertain if the facade ofoneself is subject to constant modification. Though that in itself is somethingI would already consider rather problematic, it's far from the end. Rememberwhen I described the situation in my head? The idea of a certain core character,unaffected by the armor sets? Let's take a closer look at that.  

All thesevarious mental states, these predetermined armor sets, caused by the varyingcircumstances I find myself in throughout life, have one thing in common: blockingout the "core character", the one that acquires the skills andexperience obtained through the life in armor, the one that has a sort ofoverseeing access to all of these obtained life experiences. That is what Iconsider to be the "purest" version of myself. The one thingunaffected by circumstances, the one at the center off all these various mentalstates. I can only be in this unaffected state when not in relation to anythingin my exterior: not being constrained to convey thoughts verbally through theuse of a certain language, not being actively in relation to another person,and being in a neutral place, unaffected by anything, such as my room.Basically, if I'm in an entirely neutral situation, not affected by anythingexterior whatsoever, my mind goes into a neutral state too. This neutral stateallows me one particular thing: introspection. Self-analysis, if you want to.Only in the neutral state can I fully reflect on my experiences and my life asa whole, only then can I attempt to understand my progression in life, myemotions, my mental situation. In fact, at this very moment, I find myself inthis neutral state--only now am I actually able to reflect on what's going onin my head, and the fact that I'm able to write it down cohesively is an enormousfeat in itself. However, this distinction between my neutral state, the"core character", and the various mental states, the "armorsets", comes with a plethora of issues, the first one being this verydiscrepancy. As explained earlier, the "sets" override the"core", and I mean that in a literal way. All my reflections, all mythoughts and questions, all my arguments, failures and progressions, areblocked out when I'm in one of these sets. For example, if I'm talking to mytherapist, it's downright impossible for me to communicate all these thoughtsobtained through introspection, simply because they're blocked out, they're notavailable anymore. They slip out from memory, I can barely grasp them at all,it feels like walking through horribly thicc mist; and even in the event that Istill can formulate some of my thoughts, I can't properly convey them. In fact,even if I write them down and try to read them out, it feels more like readingsomeone else's thesis: my brain doesn't connect to the material at all, itdoesn't understand, it can't back it up: in that situation, they're not my ownthoughts at all, but someone else's, and no matter how much I search my mindfor answers of clues, the only thing I can find is a bleak, empty void, leavingme feeling dumbfounded, with an empty head. Literally. When I later return tomy neutral state, everything returns to me, but quite frankly, that's notuseful, since I still lack the means to communicate it in a manner thatconvinces both me and party B.

Unfortunatelythe issues don't stop there. If we go by the assumption that this neutral, coreversion of myself is what you may call "the real me", I would kind ofbe in a pretty shit situation, because, quite frankly, being this neutralversion of myself is not fun at all. Maybe its related to ingrained pessimism,but all introspection, all reflection and thoughts, always go in a prettynegative way. Never once have I thought about myself in depth and arrived at anactual positive outcome: every answer is negative and spells out inevitabledoom one way or another. There's always a depressing note to everything, infact, there is a seriously ingrained tendency leading towards what may be aform of depression in all my thoughts, but I'll get into that later. The bigbad issue is that ultimately, this neutral state of mine, as well as everypossible variable mental state, lacks one primordial thing necessary to thehuman existence: life. I'm descending towards a melodramatic presentation oncemore, forgive me. It's a hunch towards excess. But here's the thing. Theneutral state is exclusively based around introspection, it can't do anythingbut reflect, and reflect in a pretty negative manner if I might add. There'snothing else to it. The "sets" are technically set in what we wouldcall life, they're all in relation with something, but inherently lack thecommon thing that is myself; they're mere facades, they're fakes, they'reincomplete, they're not ME.  Here's thething. Perhaps it was a result of all the issues mentioned above, or perhaps itcaused the issues above and originate from a certain event in my pastirrelevant for now, but one thing is certain: I'm heavily emotionally distancedfrom my own life. I barely ever feel any real, active emotions out of anythingin life, everything is distanced, bleak, unilateral. Any real, strong emotion,be it joy, hatred, sadness or whatever else you may think of, is something Ibarely ever feel these days. Even events that have an incredibly strong effecton my life struggle to bring forth an emotional reaction. Everythingstays...bleak. Unaffected. There's often a sort of distant negativity, abackground feeling of sorts, and there are occasions of limited joy or whatnotthat last a few moments, but it takes absolutely nothing whatsoever to returnto an empty or even highkey depressed state--ultimately, the sensation of"being alive" has become incredibly elusive to me over the last 8years, now nothing more than a mere distant memory. That's just how things are,and I can't deal with it.

Granted, Imay possibly be overdoing it rn. Been writing for a long time, need to makesure I don't start getting affected just yet. Ultimately, all these thingsheavily block the way for a meaningful relationship with another person. Notonly would they have to deal with the fact that the person they know seems toundergo mental changes on a continuous basis which can't be any good, their s.o.would go through constant mood changes, would often be emotionally distant fromthem for seemingly no reason whatsoever, wouldn't be able to even entertain a relationshipon a deeper level. Whatever it would be, it couldn't even be called a proper relationshipfrom my point of view. I wouldn't be able to be myself, and that's pretty mucha death sentence for anything meaningful that's supposed to last for a bit,right?

(sidenote:I feel as if I may have just exited the neutral state and am no longer able toentertain my introspection. My thoughts are literally disappearing from my mindand my memory of everything I've said so far and what I meant to say afterwardsis getting foggier by the minute. It's absolutely ridiculous and horriblyannoying, but at the very least it proves my points to myself, that's worthsomething).

After this point, I continued writing, but quickly realized I lost all connection, I had indeed gone through a change in mental state, leaving behind my introspection. Thus, this is largely incomplete, with many threads not tied together, and many arguments lacking entirely. My analysis went much deeper than what we see here, but unfortunately I don’t seem to be able to pick it up for now. What a shame. I had thought I had finally figured out some serious progress. But in a way, it’s also fitting. This major failure is evidence that the points made are very real and not my imagination. Too bad it prevented me from going further, but that’s all I can do for now. 

This is more or less the conclusion I meant to reach, but since half the arguments and reasoning are missing, it doesn’t make sense and feels like an asspull for the sake of attentionwhoring. It’s not, and I can assure you there is legitimate reasoning behind this, I just can’t access it rn:  To add more finality to the actual question that I tried to properly explain here but clearly turned out incapable of doing so, I have rather convoluted but justified mental and psychological issues for being single. These aren’t by choice, these aren’t because I enjoy being lonely, in fact I’ve desired the opposite since I was a child, but for various reasons I cannot fully explain yet, it wouldn’t be good at all for neither me nor my partner, not with the way I am right now (and this current failure is proof of that). Instead, I’ll keep sitting on my ass, waiting for a miracle that will never happen, with mental and and physical issues getting worse and worse as a consequence. But in its own way, that’s desirable for me; which is based on another issue, rooted even deeper in my psychology, one that is probably the source of all my issues. But I can’t talk about that yet.  

Other than that, there’s practical issues too. I’ll be leaving the continent this summer. I have very little positive memories about the last 8 years, the 2nd chapter of my life, but I don’t want to start getting attached to this life just as it is about to end. That would be the worst possible way to leave, and I need a clean cut at all costs. So yeah, no SO for me.

[edsenger]

Blown Away By Patient Stories: Top Takeaways From HLTH 2019

Elevating the patient voice is our passion at WEGO Health. It’s baked into everything we do. So when HLTH reached out earlier this year to explore how we could work together to bring the patient voice to its second annual conference in Las Vegas, we were ecstatic. As HLTH’s partner we saw an opportunity to ensure that patients weren’t just attending, but being heard.

HLTH 2019 was as incredible as we had hoped. It was packed with emotional and powerful connections. And it was an honor to have a platform where we could both recognize our 2019 WEGO Health Award winners and get their stories heard by healthcare leaders from across the industry.

As we reflect on our partnership with HLTH and the conference itself, there are three key points we walked away with.

HLTH made the investment to ensure a strong patient voice

There has been legitimate criticism over the years from the Patient Leader community that patients aren’t sufficiently represented at industry conferences. HLTH knew they had to face this head-on. And they did.

In contrast to its inaugural conference in 2018, they stepped up and made a serious investment this year. They sponsored 15 Patient Leaders, covering admission and travel expenses. But they didn’t stop there. From help with last minute travel logistics to personal outreach from their executive team, HLTH went above and beyond to ensure the patients and caregivers who came from as far as England felt welcomed and valued.

Between video interviews, panel discussions and podcast interviews, every WEGO Health Awards winner had the opportunity to share their experience during the four-day event.

It’s not lost on us how much time, money and personal investment the HLTH team put in to make this partnership a success. We’ve worked with many conference organizers over the years and can unequivocally say this team put in more blood, sweat and tears than we ever expected.

Attendees were genuinely blown away by patients’ stories

If there’s one message we kept hearing, it was how blown away the audience was by the WEGO Health Awards winners. A reignited passion for their work and a speechless emotional response left not a dry eye in the house.

Attendees who had the chance to meet the patient leaders one-on-one, or who came to the WEGO Health Awards ceremony, all agreed it was among the highlights of the conference.

Our good friend Reena Sangar of Ipsos summed it up perfectly:

“As someone who has worked in Healthcare for over 10 years, I had a realization that we can become quite transactional in our language and our approach to uncovering unmet needs. We start to become immune – when you see disease every day when you look at stats on health every day – it begins to blur into a state of “normal”. Attending the WEGO Health Awards and hearing from individuals so personally and so passionately taking charge of their situation (for themselves or a loved one), and being vulnerable enough to let us into their lives… it moved me and my entire team. It shook us through stories and testimonials how real and devastating illness can be, but also motivating when you can help others through your experience or advocacy for change. Huge congratulations to all the patients who are brave enough to share, and thank you to the WEGO Health team for recognizing these patient leaders” – Reena Sangar Director & Head of Digital and Connected Health, at Ipsos Healthcare

We all agree patients need a seat at the table, but there’s work to be done

Coming out of a patient engagement panel during the MedCity Engage event, it was clear that there are a lot of opportunities for companies to be working closely with patient leaders, but there are still cultural barriers to be overcome.

Which brings us back to our mission: This is a message we’re going to continue to bring home. Not just at HLTH, but at every other conference we’re involved with.

HLTH made incredible headway incorporating the patient voice into HLTH 2019, which is all the more commendable considering this was its second year. A lot was learned over the course of the four-day event, and next year we look forward to making an even bigger impact. Top of mind for us is working with patient leaders to plan a dedicated patient track, bring patients to the main stage and ensure all 6,000+ attendees can take in the raw emotional power of the WEGO Health Awards.

And who knows, maybe we’ll even line up a forward-thinking sponsor who will realize why they should invest in getting all 75 WEGO Health Awards finalists to HLTH 2020! (We can dream – right?)

Recognizing the 2019 WEGO Health Awards Winners

And last, but certainly not least, we want to send a warm congratulations to our new class of WEGO Health Awards winners.

It’s because of HLTH these patient leaders were able to travel to Las Vegas to be recognized. Each of our distinguished winners were presented their WEGO Health Award by a leader from the healthcare industry. Between the presenter’s intros and the winner’s acceptance speeches, it was evening few attendees will ever forget.

We were thrilled to have twelve of the fifteen 2019 WEGO Health Awards winners with us on the HLTH stage. A few were unable to make it but were honored in absentia, including: Rookie of the Year Winner Emily Garnett – Beyond the Pink Ribbon, Best in Show: YouTube Winner Daniel Jones, The Aspie World, and Lifetime Achievement Winner Tom Kindlon.

Here are some highlights from the event. Each of the winners posed with WEGO Health CEO Jack Barrette and myself, Julie Croner, VP of the Patient Leader Network. We’ll also be posting a video of the entire ceremony very soon, so stay tuned.

Advocating for Another Winner Dana Kelsey, Autism IRL with Presenter Reena Sangar Director & Head of Digital and Connected Health, at Ipsos Healthcare

Best Kept Secret Winner Natasha Tracy, Bipolar Burble with Presenter Lygeia Ricciardi, Chief Transformation Officer at Carium

Best Team Performance Winner Victoria Abbott-Fleming, Burning Nights CRPS Support with Presenter Cheryl Pegus, Chief Medical Officer, Cambia

Hilarious Patient Leader Winner Danielle Gulden and Joe Teeters, Double Baggin’ It with Presenter Spring Liu, Executive Director of Digital Products, Novartis

Best in Show: Community Winner Alexa Chronister, Fight Like A Warrior with Presenter Michele Baer, Senior Director – Global Leader, Health Technology Innovation Communication at Johnson & Johnson

Best in Show: Instagram Winner Taylor Marae, @health_anxiety with Presenter Rasu Shreta, Chief Strategy Officer and Executive Vice President at Atrium Health

Best in Show: Blog Winner Kelly Cervantes, Inchstones with Presenter Rolf Benirschke, CEO, Legacy Health Strategies & Founder of the Grateful Patient Project

Best in Show: Twitter Winner John Poehler, The Bipolar Battle with Presenter Heather Burton, Vice President of Marketing, Healthsparq

Best in Show: Podcast Winner Lauren Freedman, Uninvisible Pod with Presenter Dan Kendall, Managing Editor & Host of Digital Health Today and Founder of Mission Based Media

Patient Leader Hero and Best in Show: Facebook Winner Asa Maass, Fathering Autism with Presenter Freddy Abnousi, Head of Healthcare – Research at Facebook

Healthcare Collaborator: Patient Winner Melissa Talwar, Support Fibromyalgia with Presenter Constance Sjoquist, Chief Transformation Officer, HLTH

We are honored to play a small role in honoring these patient leaders for their achievements and look forward to bringing the next class of winners to HLTH 2020.

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