#thank you. i cannot express enough how much this message means to me. like. for real.

[swordsmans]

So, after the Big Tumblr FF.net scare, I went to check my account and the fics I loved there, right? Imagine my surprise when I see that one of my fav one piece fic ever, called "Always Gold" by kokune - that hadn't been updated for YEARS - had a new chapter.

Then, imagine my even bigger surprise realizing that this author I had loved for so long had actually been that new AO3 writer I had been enjoying the fics of, while thinking they were somewhat familiar.

Honnestly, best fucking feeling ever. My favourite OP author of when I was 14 is the one I just found under another name. God, I am so glad to know it's you. You have no idea how much I have grieved your writing.

You don't know me, but man, I missed you SO fucking much. 😭

oh my god in all seriousness, though--HI, HELLO, HI!!! YES!!! THAT WAS ME!!! oh my god!!!! thank you so, so, so much. this means SO MUCH TO ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. i have honestly been so overwhelmed and overjoyed with how welcoming the fandom has been since coming back (specifically so many wonderful zolu fans??? omg???) and the fact that you remember my really old stuff is just OVERWHELMING. thank you so, so, so much. SO MUCH!!! this means the WORLD to me!!!!

[tainsan]

misfits: II (college!ateez x reader)

{a/n: thank you so so so much for the support just after the first chapter! i am so grateful for all of you who have been reblogging and sending in feedback}

do not steal my work or repost on places other than tumblr.

taglist: @lilactangerine @sookacc @plutoneu @abby-grace @sunkissed725 @lixiel0ver @acciocriativity @hyukssunflower @sunukissed @khjcoo @stopeatread @meginthebuilding27 @mychickentendou @sunnyhokyu @rxnexxi @croa-yevon (if you asked to be tagged and don't see your name, I am incredibly sorry but you cannot be tagged.)

-----THIS IS AN 18+ FANFICTION MINORS DO NOT INTERACT-----

⇢ master list ⇠

previous chapter ⇠ ⇢ next chapter

warnings: not really anything, just a little bit of swearing.

word count: 6.2k

“No radius is half of the diameter; did you not pay attention in high school?” You say exasperated, half laughing half scowling at the black-haired male situated in front of you.

“I was too busy denying my sexuality in high school,” Minho says rolling his eyes, causing a boisterous laugh to erupt from your throat.

“You do know you’re not supposed to be here?” 

Minho snuck into your advanced calculus class earlier saying he was bored, and Jisung was in a Finance class, where the teacher isn't too keen on letting random students into his lectures. Luckily you were close to the end of the lesson, meaning your professor was partially done, letting students talk among themselves whilst he does God knows what on his computer. 

“It’s not like any of our professors remember our faces. I think I’ve had Bartley for three years in a row and he still thinks I’m a freshman.”

You snort at his remark knowing he has a point. The teachers don't get paid enough to remember every student anyways.

“You need to study more, how are you going to open your own business if you don't know the basics of math?” you question, joking slightly.

“I have you for that. Plus, it’s not like I want to become one of those smart-ass CEOs, I just want to open a nice dance studio far away from this goofy place.”

“That’s still a business Min, and it would help to know math so you can at least calculate your revenue.” 

“Yeah, but I don't need to know the radius of a circle for that,” he once again rolls his eyes mockingly, causing a chuckle to emit from you.

“Touché Lee.” 

Minho winks at you cheekily, then looks at his phone that had just vibrated notifying a message. His eyes widen hugely, causing your curiosity to spike.

“Girl, not to alarm you but Bin said there’s someone looking for you.”

“Why would that alarm me?” 

Before Minho can get another word out, the large wooden door to the entrance opens widely, and in walks a guy wearing all black, glasses perched across his nose. The entire room goes silent, and you swear you can hear your own heartbeat. Leaning towards Minho slightly, you mean to ask why it has gone so silent all of a sudden, but you cannot get the question out as the man in black soundlessly makes his way toward where you and Minho are situated, walking up the stairs. 

“__, right?” the nameless man asks as he reaches you, his voice breaking the thick silence in the room. Immediately, whispers sound across the room from almost everyone. Starting to feel self-conscious of the sudden attention on you, the familiar feeling of a heavy heart residing in your chest. You momentarily wonder why he even asked for your name if he knew who to go to in a class with over thirty students.

“Come with me?” The request is said as a question yet the tone he uses is harsh and demanding, as if he is not giving you a choice to say no. 

You look at Minho, confused yet you see the same confused expression on his face, yet the look is definitely more prominent on his. You probably would have laughed at the expression on your friend's face if it were in a different circumstance.  

“Okay let’s go,” Minho says, helping you grab your books off the desk. 

“I wasn't talking to you,” The guy says slightly rudely, looking at Minho with a piercing cold glare. Minho, looking offended starts to stand up, puffing his shoulders and advancing slightly towards the man in black. Chattering and whispers spur around the class, someone even gasping audibly.

“Minho, it’s fine, just wait here.” You grab his hand and pull him back to his sitting position gently. The small action not going unnoticed by the mysterious man, who looks between the two of you, almost as if he is analyzing the situation. As you stand up, the man dressed in black heads for the exit, not sharing a glance with anyone who ogles at him. 

‘Goofy ass’ you mumble under your breath as you start your walk towards the exit. Not missing the way countless eyes are on your form, you trudge out of the door, feeling overwhelmed by the sudden interest in you. You ponder in your head why on Earth this man has so much attention all of a sudden like he is a celebrity or something. Rapidly closing the door, you rest your eyes and take a deep breath to calm your racing heart, you rest against the closed door behind you, breathing steadily you slowly feel your nerves go down. You open your eyes when you’re ready and see the strange man to your right, resting his left side against the wall body turned towards you. Quickly, you scurry to gain your composure and turn towards the man watching your movements like an eagle. He has a sharp nose and high cheekbones, his gaze intimidating. If you weren’t so confused, you would probably think he was very handsome.

“So, uh what did you want?” you question, cringing at your scratchy voice due to a dry throat. Almost scoffing, the man rolls his eyes and passes you a water bottle that was conveniently resting in his hand. 

“Um, thanks.” You say, feeling the heat rise up your neck.

“You need a place to live right?” He says bluntly, staring at you whilst you take a swig of water. Almost choking on said water, you bring your hand to your mouth and try to keep the water from coming out. Why does this random stranger know your life? 

“I’m sorry, I don't know who you are, how do you know I need a place to live?” you reply when your mouth is free of liquid. For some reason, the tenseness on the man’s shoulders seems to loosen a little, almost as if he is relieved and you don’t fail to notice the slight change in his behavior.

“I’m friends with San and Jongho, they told me you lost your apartment.” 

You are hit with a realization, and then things seem much clearer, without you knowing a smile comes to your face thinking of the two sweet people you had tutored a few days ago. This smile does not go unnoticed by the male opposite you; he even feels somewhat happy you are smiling whilst thinking of his friends, not scowling or cowering like other people would do.

“Um, I’m Hongjoong, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to uh have a look at our place, we have a room open.” Hongjoong introduces himself, stumbling on his words, you recognise his name, yet you have no idea where from. It seems a stark contrast to the scary image he was showing less than thirty seconds ago, now he is nervous and fairly restless, fiddling with the rings on his fingers and unable to make eye contact for more than three seconds. Feeling hopeful about finding a new place, your mood perks up immensely.

“Seriously?” you inquire, a hopeful smile adoring your features. Hongjoong seems to look surprised at your reaction, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink and his eyes widening, quickly he coughs and continues the cold expression on his face. 

“But wait…” you trail off, remembering the whereabouts of their accommodation, “as much as it would help, you guys live in the richest area near here, and I would never be able to afford it.” your eyes droop as you look at the floor, upset that you yet again have to go on dormfinder.com for an affordable place to live.

“We are more than happy to pull some strings, I’m close to the landlord.” His words are still calm, but this time rushed. 

“I really appreciate the offer, Hongjoong. I just don't see myself living there, even if you were to pull strings, my student loans barely cover the school funds let alone a place in Eastwood.” 

“Your parents do not offer help?” Your breath catches in your throat, and you feel your eyes start to sting, which does not go unnoticed by the male. 

“It’s just me.” You reply, your voice sharp. Seeing Hongjoong flinch slightly at your sudden harsh tone, you are quick to apologise. 

“Maybe you could just have a look?” Hongjoong’s eyes stay hopeful as he peers down at you. The height difference isn't huge but still to the point where you have to lift your head slightly to meet his callous eyes.

“Look I don’t have time to be browsing through places that are out of my league, I truly appreciate it Hongjoong, but I just can’t.”

“My mother is the landlord, I already spoke to her about it and she’s happy with you staying for five hundred a month, as long as you are clean and keep the house in order.” 

His words take you aback. Four hundred was the price you were paying for your old place, it’s not cheap but it's still a good price, especially for such an amazing place. Yet you are more taken aback by the fact he has already consulted with his mother. Was he so certain you were going to say yes that he already made a deal?

“I thought rent there was at least six thousand, what’s the big catch?” You are interested but keep your hopes low, you don't want to get ahead of yourself and potentially harm your heart.

“My roommates can be, well um messy, loud, and a little overbearing.” Hongjoong admits he sees your brow furrow slightly, “But we are friendly, fun, we will respect your space and never make you feel uncomfortable.” He rushes on his words again, almost as if he’s trying to sell a product. “It’s a lovely place trust me.”

“Who do you live with?” You inquire, if you want to even think about moving in you need to know who your roommates would be. 

“Are you familiar with Ateez?” Hongjoong is slow and cautious with his words as if he is treading on thin ice. Your eyes widen, and you feel your heart start to race again. Hongjoong is quick to notice this and waves his hands in front of you, dismissing what he just said. Even though you may have had good experiences with the men you know as Ateez members, you don’t know if you could get involved with them after what you've heard about them. Not knowing if you can trust them, you are hesitant to accept the offer. But then again, rumors are deadly but mostly not true. You know that better than anyone.

“We aren't as bad as people perceive us; I swear.” 

Now this confuses you even further. Hongjoong is another person in Ateez? Part of you believes his words, yet part of you believes your best friend. They are a selfish, cold, heartless group with no care for others' feelings. Even the way Hongjoong is presenting himself is on character, even whilst offering you the deal of your lifetime, his image is scary and cold, his words nothing more than blunt and harsh. But then again, your encounters with the rest have so far been so different and confusing. The way Hongjoong is quick to convince you that they aren’t bad people, or at least as bad as people say, leads to being even more baffled.

“No, I wasn't thinking that I was just honestly confused why you guys would ever let anyone who isn't a part of your group live with you. Why are you even doing this in the first place?” 

It takes a moment for Hongjoong to reply, your words hovering around the both of you. You can almost see the cogs turning in his head as he processes his answer. Looking as if he is debating whether or not to answer, he looks at you and then around him, looking to see if anyone is watching.  Slowly, he decides to answer, his sharp, cold image melting away.

Hongjoong takes a swift step closer to you, his breath fanning against your face as you look up at him. Heart pounding like it’s about to explode, the sudden closeness between our two bodies makes you small, only about a foot separating him from colliding with your tense form. His eyes are a harsh contrast to the cold, lifeless expression he previously held up, now they are soft, and kind and you feel your body loosen up as you get lost in the warm gaze of his deep brown eyes. His eyes feel so frequent as if you’ve stared into them before.

“You were the only one ever who was truly kind to us. Please, just have a look, ___,” his voice is no more than a mere whisper and you can feel your heart in your throat. Never having someone this close to you, speaking so softly, is new and you aren't sure if you like it or not. The look in Hongjoong’s eyes both comforts and unnerves you. Before you can even register what has happened, his body is back in the same position as previously, his cheeks turning red and momentarily regretting his sudden uncontrolled actions. 

“I'll tell San to message you the address,” Hongjoong’s cold stare is back as he departs toward the general exit of the building, leaving you to fan your face and take deep breaths to calm the pounding of your heart. Glancing down at the water bottle in your hand, you are now even more confused than you were at the beginning of the week.

What the fuck?

----

Laying on your back, facing the ceiling, millions of thoughts run through your head as you try to decide. Next to you resides your phone, lighting up the dim room, with the messenger app open. Sighing, you pick your phone up one more time to reread through the message for the nth time.

‘Hey, here’s the address for our place. San’

Peering at the profile picture of the contact, the corners of your mouth turn up as you see a cute photo of the animated character Kuromi sleeping. It actually suits San well. You remember when you were with him at the library when he saw your phone case of the Sanrio characters. It seems funny that he has the same characters as his profile picture now. Curiously looking at his profile, you see, the picture was changed six days ago. Just after your tutoring session, it’s probably just a coincidence. As you’re staring at the picture and getting lost in your thoughts, another message notification appears on the top of your screen. This time, it's from Yeji. 

‘hi girl, I really don’t want to rush you but my new roommate is moving in tomorrow, you can maybe sleep on the sofa for the time being but you really need to find a place, my landlord isn't happy about you living here rent-free.’

Groaning, you throw your phone down against your bed once again, bringing your hands up to your eyes to wipe away the stinging sensation rising in them, your stomach feeling uneasy from this whole situation. Every free hour and minute you have, you have been searching for cheap apartments close to the school, yet the only one that you even managed to find was almost twenty miles away and you do not feel like using public transport at ungodly hours in the morning. 

Glancing at your phone once again, you feel conflicted in your head. You know that the boys you have met of Ateez wouldn’t be mad at you for not showing up, yet you feel like you are obligated to. Yes, the place is cheap and only about a ten-minute walk from campus and a fifteen-minute walk to Jisung’s. But it's the idea of living with the Ateez that spooks you a little bit, not really knowing what their true identity is. ‘Fuck it’ you think, what have you got to lose. Throwing yourself off the empty bed, you rush to the suitcase of your clothes to find something somewhat presentable to wear. Settling on one of the three outfits you now have, due to the rest being burnt to a crisp, you pull it on and hope that it at least looks good to them. ‘Why do I care what they think?’ you suddenly think to yourself, not wanting to have to worry about impressing them with your looks. Hurriedly grabbing your necessary belongings, you bolt out of the door, excited and both nervous. You just hope the entire group isn't there to analyse you.

----

Strolling through the long street full of large white brick houses, you feel exceptionally out of place in this insanely rich area. You’re not even sure how you ended up here in the first place and you just know Jisung would smack you if he saw where you were heading. Maybe it was the impression Hongjoong left on you, you still see his warm brown eyes whenever you close your eyes, his soft expression as he moved closer to your body. The way he spoke so softly and tenderly. You haven't even begun to unpack what he said, not knowing what he meant by you were the only one kind to them. Maybe you unknowingly lent them a pen in class? That doesn’t seem like a big enough gesture for them to invite you to literally live with them. Maybe Hongjoong likes you, you think to your self grinning giddily. Smacking your head gently, you remove the grin from your face and try to divert your thoughts from the handsome man, realizing he would never like you like that, let alone want to be your friend. Looking for the number 2410, you scan the houses as you walk from place to place. They are all beautiful detached houses with a large porches. Before you know it, you see the large number appear in front of you, the house seeming much more intimidating than the others, perhaps it's because you know who lives there and who is potentially inside. The walls of the house are white, the roof light blue, with large windows adorning the front and sides. Walking up the driveway and towards the porch, your heart gets heavy with anxiety, realizing the situation you are about to get yourself into. I just hope none of them pull a stunt like Hongjoong did, anything is better than getting your heart swooned again by another handsome male, which just so happens to be all of them so far, fuck. You really don’t have time to be falling for the ‘bad boys’ right now. Surely they won’t get angry at you if you show up and say no to the offer, right?

Reaching the front door, you hesitate to ring the doorbell, your heart attempting to jump out of your throat. When your finger reaches the button, a loud, long ringing noise is heard within the walls of the home, which breaks you out of your semi-unconscious thinking state. You step back slightly, to make sure you’re not right next to the door when it opens, not wanting to be up in the face of the person who opens it if they open the door. Gripping onto the strap of your tote bag for dear life, you silently hope that there is nobody home, but then hope there is someone home, then hope there is not. You heavily debated at this moment whether you should just run away from the door and pretend it was some kid ding dong ditching. Moving away slightly, you get ready to run for your life, when all of a sudden your hopes are shattered and you hear the click of the lock signaling the door to be opened, and you’re met with the top of someone’s head, clearly, he’s more interested with whatever video is playing on his phone.

“Unless you’re selling some of those delicious red velvet cookies, can you kindly piss off, please and thank you.” The door goes to close, yet you quickly stop it by speaking out, causing the man to halt his actions.

“I don't have red velvet cookies, but I could maybe bring you a nice red velvet muffin,” you joke, realising the man behind the door is Wooyoung. Snapping his head up, Wooyoung's ice-cold facade melts away within an instant, being replaced with the same warm smile you saw a few days ago. He can’t believe you actually showed up at the house after waiting for what felt like ages.

“Muffin?” he is surprised to see you, “I was starting to think you weren’t going to show up, again,” Wooyoung admits as he opens the door fully, letting you enter. Still not used to the nickname, your heart speeds up ever so slightly.

“Better late than never, right?” You reply bashfully, feeling sorry for coming so late.

“True,” Wooyoung helps you take off your coat and for a moment your heart stops when you feel his warm hands brush against your shoulders, not knowing the way the man helping you feels as he contacts your skin. You mutter a thank you as you take off your shoes, ignoring the way your skin burns upon touch with the man. 

“Sang! She’s here!” Wooyoung yells up the tall stairs placed near the entrance of the house. Suddenly, you hear a clunking coming from upstairs, followed by some banging and shuffling. Then you see a head of white hair pop his head over the top of the staircase, his face is red and hair messy.

“Uh give me one second,” he then disappears and more shuffling and banging sounds are heard. Turning to look at Wooyoung with a confused look on your face, he just shrugs with an amused expression.

“We don't usually have visitors; he’s likely just cleaning all the shit off the floor.”

You nod in recognition, your lips turning up slightly at Yeosang’s rushed, cute actions, knowing all too well what it’s like to have unanticipated visitors.

“Would you like something to drink?” Wooyoung asks you as you both walk further into the house; he opens a door leading to a grand kitchen that looks like it's made for celebrity chefs. 

“Whoa this kitchen is insane,” You stare at it in awe, walking towards the marble top counters, running your hand over the cool material.

“I love it here, I can make all the food my heart desires here,” Wooyoung admits, walking towards where you're standing. You are slightly taken aback to know that Wooyoung likes to cook, but then you remember the amazing muffin he made for you a few days ago and you realise, yes, he is a good cook. Reaching behind you, he opens a cupboard full of glasses, grabbing two he places it next to the large American fridge freezer. 

“No drink?” he asks one more time.

“Oh, I’m sorry, just a water would be nice,” you reply, slightly bashful. Wooyoung’s heart speeds up at the sight of your flustered expression. Grinning at you slightly, Wooyoung then turns around to open the fridge. It's then you hear the banging of someone descending the stairs, rather quickly you notice too. When you turn around you see a red-faced Yeosang, smiling lightly at you. Happily, you return his smile, saying hello to him, to which he replies. He is not the only one who can’t believe you’re standing in their house, finally. Wooyoung hands you a glass of cold water and you thank him. Making his way towards the kitchen island, Yeosang takes a seat at one of the barstools placed around it.

“For a house with eight roommates, it sure is quiet here.” You admit, taking a sip of your water, surprised by the serenity of the place, the only banging coming from Yeosang a few minutes ago. Wooyoung lets out a laugh and Yeosang smiles to himself.

“It’s just us home right now, everyone else is finishing their last lectures of the day or doing homework in the library. Yeosang and I finished early because our dance professor got the flu.”

“You guys are taking dance?” You question, your curiosity getting the best of you, you know Minho and Felix are taking dance too, however, they have never mentioned the two males before, maybe you have to ask them later about it. From this question, the two males’ chests fill with joy knowing they have your interest, even if it’s only for a split second.

Yeosang smiles and answers, “Yeah, we are.” 

“Now you really don’t know anything about us, do you?” Wooyoung says, also curious, “Not to sound narcissistic but I thought almost everyone knows what course we are taking, kinda comes with being the group everyone talks about,” 

Chuckling slightly, you answer, “Like I already said to Yeosang, I kind of live under a rock, I didn't even know about Ateez until like a few weeks ago, and even then, I didn't really care. No offense of course.” 

“None was taken,” Yeosang says, his hand tapping on the island, his eyes watching you intently. Smiling at him once again when you make eye contact, you decide to take a seat on the island too. Choosing the one closest to you, you sit down and are pleasantly surprised by the comfort of the small stool.  

“Which dances do you prefer, like hip hop, ballroom, jazz, or contemporary?” You ask the two males, too curious to not ask some questions, the men look at you incredulously and are taken aback by your question. “What has no one ever asked you that before?” you add, confused by the reaction of the two.

Wooyoung stands on the opposite side of the island, resting against the counter behind him, “Not really, people usually just ask for us to dance for them, dance with them, do a sexy dance, you name it, I don't think anyone has ever actually been interested in the sort of technical stuff, except for maybe our parents.” Yeosang nods to his statement and you start to feel somewhat upset no one has taken the time to actually take interest in their likings, or attempt to know them better. It isn't hard to ask someone what their favorite dance is.

“My mother used to be a dancer, I used to watch her dance all the time when I was younger. I’m interested because it kind of reminds me of her. Plus, it’s much cooler than asking someone to sexy dance for you,” You admit, smiling fondly at the memories of your mother dancing in the living room late at night with your brother hobbling along trying to keep up with her pace, even though he was tired he still moved along with her, wanting to have fun with her. Wooyoung and Yeosang feel extremely happy you care about their dancing in a way not many people do, asking them a question to know them better, and for sharing something personal about yourself. 

“We mostly do hip hop, but Wooyoung is into contemporary these days,” Yeosang answers you, his soft smile not leaving his features whilst he talks. It feels like it's been ages since he’s truly smiled at someone other than his seven friends.

“That’s so cool!” You exclaim loudly, “I wish I could dance but I’ve got similar to the rhythm of an elephant.” Hearing Wooyoung and Yeosang laugh heartily at your comment, your heart swells in your chest, an unfamiliar feeling arriving deep in your heart.

“You’d be surprised, apparently elephants are really good at following a beat,” Wooyoung says, grinning at you from across the counter, sending a small wink in your direction.

“I'll take your word for it, but it doesn't mean you're going to find me in the dance studio any time soon, mark my words.” You joke and laugh together with the two other men, a comfortable silence falling over you.

“As much as we’d love you to be here for dinner, you’re here to look at the house, right?” Wooyoung is the first to break the silence, not wanting you to leave the comfortable space just created, but knowing he has a duty to fulfill. 

“Yes, but it doesn't mean I’m going to take the offer, I just needed to see what there is, you know?” 

Wooyoung and Yeosang’s shoulders droop slightly hearing your comment, upset that even though you’ve come here, you might not take the other. Yeosang is the first to gain his composure, clearing his throat and continuing the conversation in case you notice the small dip in their behavior.

“So do you want to see around?” 

“I’d love to.”

They first take you upstairs, there is a long hallway with eight doors placed along the walls, and you can’t help but wonder how they managed to fit so many rooms. Wooyoung explains each room, showing you inside the two bathrooms that are both equipped with a sizable shower and large bath in the corner, each with a toilet and sink. They do not go into the six bedrooms explaining that their roommates would prefer not to show up without their permission. This causes you to smile to yourself, realizing that they do indeed have respect for people’s boundaries even when they aren't around. However, you can’t help but wonder how each of their rooms differs, how they have decorated them, and how clean they are. When Wooyoung reaches the end of the hallway, you see there are two doors that haven’t been explained yet. 

“These are mine and Yeosang’s rooms,” Wooyoung clarifies and you nod in realisation. The two doors face each other and you laugh mentally, knowing that the two men are close friends so of course their rooms are right next to each other. You expect Wooyoung to move on to the next part of the house just like he has done with every other room, yet when he doesn’t you are surprised. Opening the door he just signified was his room he lets you have a peek in and you suddenly feel grateful that he is sharing something so personal with you. It is a rather plain bedroom, with a large bed in the corner, the bed sheets a dark blue colour, and a bedside table next to it. At the foot of the bed on the opposite side of the wall, is a sizable desk with a monitor screen and a pc. There is a big wardrobe on the other side of the room also. You don’t notice much except for the fact it is very clean and how the bed is much bigger than a regular bed. You also notice a picture frame on his bedside table, you can’t see much of the photo, but it seems awfully familiar for some reason, feeling like you’ve seen it before, you stare at it probably a little longer than you should have.

“That’s my room, just so you know if you accidentally walk into it.” Wooyoung beams at you, closing the door. He momentarily feels insecure by your peering eyes analysing his room, hoping you liked it.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen your room tidy,” Yeosang says nonchalantly, though you can see the teasing grin tugging at his features. Wooyoung’s ears go red as he gently smacks the blonde-haired male.

“How about you show your room too then?”

Immediately, the grin on Yeosang’s face disappears, replaced with a bewildered and taken aback look. Wooyoung sticks his tongue out at him soon after, walking towards the stairs and shaking his head slightly. Laughing softly at the twos bickering, you follow Wooyoung to the stairway and descend down the wide staircase. When downstairs, Wooyoung walks past the kitchen again, and into a different room which seems to be the dining room. In the dining room, there is a large table with four chairs on each side of it. In the center is a bowl of apples, bananas, and pears. The room is rather plain but still feels cozy. Next, the two lead you to the living room which is rather large. There is an enormous U-shaped couch placed against the wall, and a coffee table in the centre, the couch faces a television standing on a display that has shelves full of DVDs. You are impressed again at how clean it is and mentally make a note to check out the movies they have and also to rest on the couch, wishing to see if it is as comfortable as it looks. Strolling back to the hallway, you notice two doors that you didn’t realise were there when you first walked into the house. Yeosang is in the lead as the opens the door, which has some stairs going downwards to some sort of basement. This makes you stop in your tracks immediately and thoughts race through your head.

“Okay not to be rude but I’ve watched enough horror movies to know you never go into someone’s basement when it’s your first time being in their house.” You admit, not too excited to go into the basement of some people you don’t know too well. Wooyoung lets out a boisterous laugh whilst Yeosang is having a hard time keeping his chuckles in. They don't care that you don't want to go down, knowing that it’s smart to not give your trust to them straight away, even if they really want to gain it.

“That’s okay, for another time then, all we have done with the place is put some beanbags and a projector for when we want to have a movie night,” Yeosang speaks out, explaining why they wanted to show you. They aren’t offended at you, understanding why you have your doubts. You nod in consideration; always loving movie nights make you add another pro to why you should potentially take the offer. Closing the door, Yeosang leads you back to the kitchen and around a corner where three more white doors are placed. Two face each other whilst one faces towards the kitchen, almost similar to a u shape. 

“These are more bedrooms, these ones have en suites so there’s no need for an extra toilet downstairs,” Yeosang explains. You briefly remember the door near the entrance of the house, next to the basement, which Wooyoung pointed out as the communal toilet.

“These are Yunho’s and Seonghwa’s bedrooms, and this door is um…” Wooyoung trails off. You notice the way Wooyoung and Yeosang both seem to get somewhat nervous, he continues, “If you were to move here this would be your room,”

You find it somewhat annoying that if you were to move in, you’d be residing next to the two males you have yet to meet. But then again it would give you a chance to get to know them better.

Both Wooyoung and Yeosang have hearts full of hope as you open the door to move inside the room. The room is plain, with nothing but a bed, wardrobe, and desk with no objects on either. You are pleasantly shocked by the size of the room, it’s big but not huge, the perfect size for you to make it into a cozy bedroom. One thing that does stun you though, is the size of the bed. It’s almost the same size as Wooyoung’s, definitely big enough to fit more than three people. Maybe they just all like big beds? One thing you can’t deny is how comfortable it looks. Another thing that confuses you is that there are sheets on it, looking as if someone has slept in it recently, which baffles you a little bit. There is indeed a door inside the room that leads to a stunning bathroom, with a huge shower, this makes you beam, not having to worry about awkward encounters with any of the boys when sharing a bathroom.

“So, what do you think?” Yeosang is the first to break the silence, his voice echoing through the empty space. Both the males are unknowingly looking at you with large, hopeful eyes. 

Peering around the room, turning in a circle

“It’s amazing,” you begin, causing the two to hold on their breaths, full of hope, you continue, “But are you sure it’s okay I live here, five hundred doesn’t seem real to me?”

Immediately Wooyoung and Yeosang jump into action with their words.

“Yes of course! Joong said he pulled strings and so has Seonghwa.” Yeosang stutters out, his voice louder than you’ve ever heard it. This makes you baffled as to why two strangers would pull such strings for you, knowing their reputation it seems rather peculiar for them to act in such ways for someone they have never met before. It seems weird to you that they would even think of helping you, let alone pulling so many extreme strings to ensure you a place to live. Perhaps they aren't as bad as people make them out to be, perhaps they are just huge sweethearts.

You stay silent for about two minutes, contemplating all the options in your head. Little do you know how much the silence pains the two men in front of you, wishing they could read your mind. After one more silent and dreadful moment, you decide to give your answer. 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t…”

[rustedhearts]

rolly's roller-wheels blurb commission guidelines

✶ explanation

✶ fulfilled blurbs!

hello! thank you for your interest in a commissioned blurb! ⭐️ to make this easier for myself and you, i thought i'd create some general guidelines we can all refer to if needed.

so here's how it works:

pick your character

✶ boxer steve

✶ college steve

✶ nascar steve

✶ 70s steve

✶ pastor steve

✶ troubled steve

✶ roommate steve

✶ general steve harrington (not tied to an au)

✶ gator tillman

✶ eddie munson (special edition lol)

✶ author's choice (where i surprise you!)

i'm willing to write for any character/version of a character i have written before (including one-shots)!

i will not write sequels to one-shots. only blurbs from the character of said one-shot. (for example: i could write you a blurb about everytime steve, but won't write it as if it were a continuation of the story.)

2. attach your donation with a quick synopsis/prompt

feel free to include as many details as you would like, but please do not include names/hyper-specific characterizations. but if you want steve to have a cheerio's addiction and reader to own 5 ferrets—i'm down! even songs you want your blurb based on are welcome!

synopsis/prompt can be sent via ko-fi or telegram

things I'm willing to write:

✶ fluff

✶ angst

✶ hurt/comfort

✶ smut

✶ author's choice (where i surprise you! but feel free to express what you don't want)

things i am not willing to write:

✶ kink (just baseline, anything i haven't written about before on this blog)

✶ any of the former steves from my old blog

3. pricing

✶ $5 min

✶ the more you pay, the longer your blurb!

✶ all donations matter, please do not feel pressured. your interest in helping means so much.

4. word count

✶ no min! (but enough for a story!)

✶ 1,500 word max

feel free to express if you want a short/long blurb, but you don't need to specify an exact word-count! just an estimate is fine.

5. disclaimers

✶ i'm in my final month of college and working, so these won't have a super quick turnaround. however, i will try and get them posted at a reasonable pace!

✶ if you're unsure of something, feel free to message me (telegram/direct)! questions about content/guidelines are always welcome.

✶ please do not feel bad if you cannot participate. reblogging to spread the word is just as lovely!

for quick referral:

✶ the library

✶ the steve collection

for donations!

✶ ko-fi

thank you again for your interest, and thank you all for supporting me! ⭐️ love you!

xoxo,

roller girl

[queenshelby]

Our Little Secret (Part 25)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Infidelity, Age-Gap

You read the article over and over again while Cillian spoke to his publicist on the phone but, even despite his publicist's best efforts, over the next ten days, the news spread like wildfire, and you quickly became the target of hate comments everywhere.

People insulted you relentlessly, calling you names and accusing you of ruining Cillian's marriage to Danielle. The pressure mounted on you, making you feel trapped and overwhelmed as even your own mother didn't shy away from sending hurtful messages after the article surfaced amongst her group of friends and colleagues. 

"Thanks for ruining not only your life, but also mine," she texted you before sending you yet another message, telling you how everyone at her work was now asking her about the affair.

"I raised you better than this and I hope that this shameful kind of behavior won't rub off on your own child someday," she wrote, making you cry uncontrollably as you recalled all those beautiful memories you shared with your mother in the past.

Cillian watched helplessly as the storm raged around you, the intensity of the situation palpable. He wished he could shield you from the harsh words and judgmental glares, but he also knew that it was impossible.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N," he whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion. "This is my fault. None of this would have happened if I hadn't acted like such an idiot," he added, his gaze flickering between the magazine and the floor.

"No, Cillian," you protested softly, your voice trembling slightly. "I might be much younger than you are, but I am an adult nonetheless. We both made mistakes, and we must deal with the consequences," you added, squeezing his hand comfortingly as another message from your mother popped up, telling you that you were going to be incapable of raising a child of your own.

Telling Cillian about her messages, he decided that enough was enough and grabbed your phone.

"What are you doing?" you asked Cillian apprehensively, your voice trembling slightly. "Put my phone down, please," you pleaded, your gaze flickering between the device and Cillian's determined expression.

Ignoring your pleas, Cillian hit the 'call' button. "I am going to talk to your mother," he declared assertively, his voice steady yet angry. "Enough is enough," he added, his gaze flickering between the screen and the living room.

"No, Cillian," you protested vehemently, your voice trembling slightly. "She is still my mother. She is hurt and I don't...," you began, your gaze flickering between the phone and Cillian's determined expression as Cillian interrupted you. 

"Look, Y/N," Cillian argued passionately, his voice firm yet compassionate. "I understand where you're coming from, but I can't stand by and watch her treat you like this," he explained, his gaze unwavering.

"She has no right to send you such hateful messages, especially now considering the state you're in," he added, his tone stern yet caring.

"Now, let me handle this," he assured you, his gaze flickering between the screen and the living room.

Your mother picked up the phone, seemingly surprised by what appeared to be a call from you. 

"Y/N?" she uttered tentatively, her voice strained with hesitation. "What do you want?" she asked warily, her query laced with skepticism.

"Actually, it's Cillian," Cillian replied calmly, his voice authoritative and slightly annoyed. "And what I want is for you to stop sending your daughter those awful messages," he insisted, his gaze unwavering.

"I beg your pardon?" your mother gasped, her voice quivering with confusion. "What makes you think that you have the right to meddle in our affairs?" she demanded, her tone laced with indignation. "Just because you knocked her up doesn't mean that you can tell me what I can and cannot send my daughter," she retorted, her voice brimming with hostility.

"Actually, Sarah, yes I can," Cillian retorted. "Y/N is pregnant with my child, and I refuse to stand idly by while you subject her to emotional distress," Cillian retorted, his voice unwavering. "She is your daughter for fuck's sake, so why wouldn't you show her support during this difficult time instead of adding fuel to the fire?" he asked her, his voice growing louder and angrier.

His outburst caught your mother off guard, and she remained silent for a few seconds, clearly unsure of how to respond.

"Because she doesn't deserve it," your mother eventually responded, her voice trembling slightly. "The way she went after you, knowing full well that you were married, is disgusting," she continued, her voice rising with anger. "And now, she is paying the price for her selfishness," she concluded, her voice quivering with frustration.

"Sarah," Cillian replied calmly, his voice firm yet compassionate. "You need to let it go and, if you can't do that, then at the very least stop insulting her," he implored, his gaze unwavering. "Just back off, please," he finally demanded, his voice rising with impatience.

"Fine, fine," your mother relented, her voice wavering slightly. "I will leave her alone," she promised, her tone resigned yet stubborn. "But know that I will never forgive her for what she did to this family. It's her fault that my friends look sideways at me these days and this circus she has caused is now ruining my career," she added, her voice crackling with resentment, but causing Cillian to chuckle.

"Well, none of this would have happened if your own husband hadn't gone to the press for a quick paycheque," Cillian pointed out, his voice cynical. "So don't blame Y/N for that," he admonished her.

"What are you talking about?" Sarah asked, her voice laced with disbelief. "Why would Frank do something like that?" she wondered aloud, her tone laced with confusion.

"Because he needed the money," Cillian told her. "Frank made some bad investment choices in the past and I bailed him out a few times because he is my brother," Cillian explained, his voice calm but matter-of-fact. "I stopped making the repayments on his loans a few months ago after a fight we had a few months ago, and I think that his financial situation is quite dire now. So, to make ends meet, he sold the story to the highest bidder," Cillian informed her, his voice heavy with sadness knowing that his very own brother had sold him out to the press and, as soon as your mother heard this, she hung up abruptly. Cillian stared at the phone in his hand, sighing deeply before returning his attention to you.

"What the fuck," you uttered under your breath, pressing your hands against your eyes as tears welled up in your eyes. "Frank did this?" you whimpered, shaking your head incredulously. "I just can't believe it. I thought it would have been your crazy ex who went to the press," you moaned, your voice choked with sobs.

"I am sorry, Y/N. I should have told you first, but I only found out about it this morning and I am still trying to come to terms with it," Cillian murmured, his eyes downcast with remorse. "I promise I will sort this shit out with my brother," he vowed, reaching out to cup your cheeks gently.

"It's okay, Cillian," you murmured weakly, your voice quivering with emotion. "There is nothing you can do except focus on getting us through this nightmare that seems to get worse every day," you added, averting your gaze as fresh tears spilled over your cheeks. "How did you even find out?" you asked, your voice still choked with sobs.

Cillian sighed deeply, his gaze locked onto yours. "My agent told me. He called in a favor with his source at OK! and was told that Frank was paid 15,000 pounds for the story," Cillian said, shaking his head. "It's not much," he added bitterly, "but it's enough to keep him going for a little while longer."

"Unbelievable," you murmured, shaking your head in disbelief just as another bound of contractions rocked your body.

"Ahh...," you groaned, doubling over in pain as the pain radiated through your abdomen and back as, this time around, these contractions felt different. They came faster and closer together, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and panicked.

"I think they are real this time, Cillian," you managed to utter between agonizing contractions. "I need to go to the hospital," you cried, clutching your stomach tightly as a fresh wave of pain coursed through your body and, as soon as you stood up, a gush of fluids soaked through your pants and onto the hardwood floor beneath you.

"Oh my God," you groaned, pressing your hands against your stomach as you felt the baby dropping lower into your pelvis. "I think my waters has broken," you whimpered, stumbling backward as another contraction took hold, leaving you gasping for air.

"Shit," Cillian cursed, his heart pounding wildly in his chest as he rushed to help you towards the door. 

To be continued...

Tags:

@sunbeamseas @saint-ackerman @oatmealisweird @naxxsstuff @amanda08319 @r-m-cidnah @elysiannook @cillshot @infireddabdab @tastycakee @harrysbestiee @lilybabe22 @adalynlowell @henrywintersdearestgirl @ietss @thatgirlthatreadswattpad @ryiamarie @axionn

@heidimoreton @nela-cutie @futurecorps3 @delishen @nosebleeds-247 @thirteenis-myluckynumber @gills-lounge @hjmalmed @lost-fantasy @tiredkitten @sidechrisporn @smallsoulunknown @charqing-qing @hopefulinlove @aporiasposts @shycrybaby @me-and-your-husband @hjmalmed @lacontroller1991 @galxydefender @aporiasposts

@galxydefender @hunnibearrr @saint-ackerman @lunyyx @gentlemonsterjennie1 @ihavealotoffandomssorry @nadloves @lost-fantasy @nolucesn@mcavoy-girl @hjmalmed @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @blushykiss @tatumrileyslover @teawithsatanx @orijanko @rhaenyra4ever @xcinnamonmalfoyx @budugu @nadloves @kmc1989 @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @forgottenpeakywriter @smailaway @sophiaaguirred

[bsverryin]

: ̗̀➛ Sending genshin men the wrong message

Part 2

Who?

╰┈➤ Kaeya, Childe, Zhongli

Situation?

╰┈➤ you sent the wrong message to your boss which was supposed to be for your brother.

✎ this is an au !! Characters is your boss who likes you secretly. ⚠️ Use of cuss words... This is requested!! 🫶 enjoy <3 cannot assure you of perfect grammar but I hope everyone likes it !!

: ̗̀➛ ZHONGLI

Your brain was so dead that you gave zhongli the wrong message and when you realized it all you could say was "oh" but it screamed everything. You tried to not let your boss get a glimpse of you in any way. It was so embarrassing that you're talking about how your boss acts. He didn't really care about others opinions whether it's from gossip or truth but YOU literally just sent it to him through message.

He was used to people calling him "grandpa" so it wasn't a big deal to him but it did make him think how does a grandpa act and how does he act it like everyone says? So the next day he called you into his office you just gave him a very awkward smile when you thought he was distraught to you.

"For how long do you as well as the staff want the rest you mentioned?" You stopped giving him an awkward smile and glanced at him with a blank expression, was your boss really asking you about that? You felt more embarrassed that you didn't know what to say so then he finally talked again.

"I'm serious about it, please try to look more pleasant in front of me, Ms. Y/n." At this moment, you just wanted to say sorry and run away and never meet him again but you know you can't so you tried your best to act chill when your body and mind feels anxious. It's making you nervous enough when you see your boss in the hallway and talking to him never crossed your mind, you were used to messaging him and giving him email for work purposes but talking to him with another attitude? He must be so disappointed.

"You're already giving us the rest that we deserve sir! We don't have to ask for more. We truly appreciate you. I was only messing around"

Zhongli felt relieved when he heard that as you gave him another awkward smile. After that, Zhongli gave everyone more free-time and tried to understand each one of you especially you. You were wrong when you said that he gives off grandpa vibes because all you can see right now was him trying to make everyone feel less intimated and comfortable around him. He thanked you for that and for the wrong message you sent because you wouldn't ever date him or know him better if it wasn't for that silly behavior of yours.

: ̗̀➛ KAEYA

At first, you thought it was fine sending those wrong messages to your boss, Kaeya but the womanizer part was straight up embarrassing. All he ever did was try to be nice to everyone then you called him "womanizer". The only reason why you sent the wrong message to him instead of your brother was because you're too excited thinking about your boss.

The next day after you didn't have to worry that much because he said he found it funny and you didn't have to say sorry, he was just confused at first and thought it was for him but then he realized that you sent the wrong messages and laughed with you about it after explaining it to him.

"Who knows if I'm a womanizer or not?" He was playful when you talked about those messages, he talked like he was really enjoying it and doesn't ever want to forget it no matter how many times you said that you didn't mean to write those messages and just forget it like it never happened.

He continued guiding everyone, he's very great and fun that was one part of the reason why you liked him more than a boss. You knew he won't ever accept your love for him that's why you just kept everything secretly for the sake of your crazy self but he gives those mixed signals that you didn't know what he really felt. Maybe he's truly a womanizer and you're one of his girls but he looks too sincere sometimes.

When you told him how you felt about him, you expected him to laugh about it but instead he blushed and told you he also likes you from the moment you sent those funny wrong messages, you gave him an annoyed look when he told you about those messages again but it's destiny just bringing you two together.

: ̗̀➛ CHILDE

Childe found it funny, like you just made his whole year exciting because of that message but you on the other side are too embarrassed to even face him. Childe was sometimes strict but mostly he's not, he doesn't want to overwork his employees. He avoids doing that, and he's just strict when he needs to like when everyone's gossiping around and completely forgetting about their work, it makes him really mad but when his employees are working really hard, he gives them expensive snacks and coffee that's why his employees were loyal to him and you're one of them, he's just that rich!.

So minutes later when you sent him the wrong messages, you entered his office and he saw you, he immediately gave you a big smile like he was having fun. You immediately gave him every file and emails that were sent for him and when you're about to leave he called out your name.

"Y/N.."

"Yes, sir?" You acted calm and not bothered but your inner thoughts were slowly killing you inside. What if he gets mad about what you said and never buys anyone those free food and coffee anymore?

"How many of those snacks would you like to eat today, Y/N?" You never ever expected those words from him like was he being sarcastic or was he serious?

"Any is enough sir!" And you took the safe way. You were hesitating whether to say I'm sorry or you needed 5 of those snacks he gave because you still haven't eaten and your stomach was rumbling like crazy.

"I'll have it delivered. Please get at least 3 or more, Y/N. I don't want my employees to be hungry while working." He said as he gave you another big smile and thanked you for giving him those emails and files as you left his office you were happy and jumping around like a kid, he said you can get at least 3 or more and you really heard it right!

After that moment, he always gives everyone those free snacks and coffee and always an extra for you. He messages you sometimes in your number where you sent those wrong messages to him and you just found each other being friends and liking each other not just platonically. You always make him the happiest that he can be and he appreciates you, so when you started dating he'd give you everything that you're craving for just to make sure you're full and never hungry.

[rosekasa]

“I was going for the cheek/forehead and I missed 😳” kiss for any side of the square ❤️

AHHH ANON THANK U!!!

92. “I was going for the cheek/forehead and I missed 😳” kiss - from this amazing list by @kisspromptsforthelovesquare !

Ladybug hates Hawk Moth for a lot of reasons. But interrupting the first date she's had with her boyfriend after his month away in Verona truly takes the cake.

Coming to a halt at Champs de Mars, she sets Adrien down on his feet. The power still hasn't come back on after the attack; the safety announcement hasn't been broadcasted yet, and no one has been brave enough to come back out and return to their picnic blankets.

"Thanks, Ladybug." He dusts himself off once he's out of her arms. Despite being cornered in an alleyway for two hours, he still looks gorgeous -- brand new white shirt perfectly pressed, not a strand of hair out of place. "You really didn't have to trouble yourself, though. I could've just walked."

She knows that very well -- but she wasn't about to let Hawk Moth win. He can interrupt all her dates as much as he wants, but he cannot stop her from exercising her God-given right of enjoying how attractive her boyfriend is up-close and personal.

"What are superheroes for?" she says with a smile. "I mean, I know Chat Noir is your favourite, but unfortunately you were stuck with me today."

He laughs awkwardly. "Chat Noir? My favourite?" he says. "I'd like to have a word with some of your sources. I've been a Ladybug fanboy since day one."

She rolls her eyes. "Your flirting is even as bad as his."

"You should meet my girlfriend. No one thinks my flirting is as bad as she does."

She can't help but laugh. Of course he wears that like a badge of pride. The thing he'd lamented the most while in Verona was how text messages 'didn't do justice' to his awful lines.

"Maybe you should follow her example more often and I won't have to save you from akumas all the time," she says.

He smiles. "But it's always nice to see an old friend."

She goes in for a casual, habitual side-hug. As if he's just a regular-schmegular civilian she's been saving for months and not the guy she was close to building a shrine for to get him to come back to Paris early.

Just as they begin to pull away, Ladybug leans in and presses a polite kiss to his cheek.

Except Adrien, about to say something, turns his head at the last second, and her lips land squarely on his.

They both freeze.

A beat passes, then two. He hasn't moved yet. Neither has she. One of them probably should, though.

But also... she hasn't kissed Adrien in a very long time.

No. Maybe enjoying how attractive her boyfriend is is her God-given right, but Hawk Moth would definitely have a field day if he found out Ladybug was kissing supermodel Adrien Agreste while his girlfriend was nowhere to be found after an akuma attack.

She leaps back, lips smarting. "I am so sorry."

He blinks a few times, as if she'd just hit him with her yo-yo. "No, I mean-- it's fine."

She opens her mouth to speak. Before she can, he reaches up and wipes a thumb over his chin. Pink gloss comes off. He looks at her, nonplussed. Blush shoots up to her hairline.

"You're not wearing your passion fruit lip balm?" he asks.

Silence passes over them for many seconds.

"...What?" she says.

He rubs his fingers together, pouting. "This is sparkly," he says, as if that's any kind of explanation.

"...What?"

He looks up, and his expression shifts. "Do you not... know?"

Eyes wide, she shakes her head.

More silence ensues.

"...How?" he finally says.

She stares at him. "What do you mean, 'how'?"

"I've seen you de-transform before almost every single one of our dates," he says. "You got to the airport five minutes after class ended to see me off. I thought you wanted me to know you were Ladybug."

Before, at least, she might've been able to convince herself they were talking about different things. Not after that.

"But you-- you said I'm an old friend!" she says. "You referred to your girlfriend!"

"I thought we were doing a bit!"

She sighs deeply, scrubbing her hands down her face. This is Hawk Moth's fault. She doesn't know how, but it is.

"Why were you shocked when I kissed you?" she asks quietly.

His face turns sheepish. He rubs the back of his neck, looking at the grass.

"I missed you," he says. "We haven't kissed in a long time."

Ladybug's heart leaps in her ribcage. No, she's not giving Hawk Moth credit for this.

Flying forward, she wraps her arms around him and brings her mouth to his, kissing him entirely on purpose.

The power comes back on after two minutes. While she's not sure about Hawk Moth, Twitter, at least, certainly has a field day.

[ash-and-starlight]

hi. So. I feel like I’ve reblogged enough of your art going rabid and screaming about it to actually come here and just tell you. Your art…. I am forever indebted to it. I’m not even joking rn I literally saw your art, realised the link was to tumblr and said: yep. I’m getting tumblr now. I could literally (I’m honestly not exaggerating) write a thesis about how much I love your art buuuuut I feel like that may come across as mildly creepy so I’ll limit it to one ask. Your art is absolutely BREATHTAKING. I cannot express how much I adore it with a passion. Every single time I see it I literally screech and grip my pillows and roll around and cry. You are one of the most talented artists I’ve ever come across. Like I don’t think u understand the sheer POWER that u hold. It’s unmatched, truly. I’ve literally never been so affected by someone’s art in my LIFE and if you ask anyone I know irl who ash is they’ll say: oh it’s that one artist who Sofia is batshit crazy about. You have the most incredible understanding of colours, anatomy, dynamics & poses, linework, emoTIONS, I could go on forever ever. I just hope you know how beloved you are in my eyes and everyone else’s, like we ADORE you and your art. Anyway to summarise this possibly stalker-ish ask. You’re literally the best person ever and your art is my reason to keep going. THANK YOU FOREVER !!! <3333

HIII!! god your tags had me giggling and blushing and kicking my legs for the past few days thank you so muuuuchhh you have no idea how much that means to me 😭😭 and giggling weeping crying abt this message too hello this IS an essay it’s even better than an essay okay!!! holy shit!!?? augh thank youuu thank you thank you so much i have no words like my brain is now just [very loud boiling teapot whistle]

i will think abt this forever and ever, i’m so glad you like my art that much and to know that it affects you so deeply thank you THANKKKK YOUU for taking time to reach out and write so many nice things omg 😭😭

also right back @ u?? im still shook by how you can draw so fast and consistently Good like your style is so distinctive, dynamic and full of life actually let me go get eye enlargement surgery to look at it more

aaaudhshshgds tysm again i’m going to print out your words 2947373 times and use them as wallpaper on my entire house

[fastcardotmp3]

I wonder, what do you think max wrote to Steve? how would Steve react had he read it?

oh man oh boy I don't know what spurred this ask but I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT IT THANK YOU FOR ASKING

The thing about Max's letters, is I don't think any of them are particularly lengthy, but I think even in their conciseness they pack a punch right where they need to for their recipients.

I mean she wrote how many in one night? These are really focused messages, I think, just the most important thing she wants to tell these people in the event she misses out on the chance in the handful of hours she has left.

And for Steve? God.

Max, at this most vulnerable moment, gets to be honest about where she's come from, I think. She gets to express in words, maybe for the first time, what it had been like to be promised a big brother and be handed a tormenter.

She gets to say, I learned how to push back enough to not feel helpless, but not so much that I actually became helpless, and she gets to make it clear that she was the first one who ever took on the role of protecting not just herself but her loved ones from Billy.

Max was so young when she had to start wearing armor in her own home, but she never talks about it, would never burden Lucas or El or the rest with this duty she's accepted by figuring out how to hide her vulnerability when she's home, hide her friends when they're in public.

Max gets to say that, in this moment when she thinks everything is going to end, and to Steve? She gets to tell him you were the first person to stand between me and him.

You were the first to hide me, protect me.

She gets to thank him for it, apologize maybe too for making him need to in the first place (no matter how unnecessary apology is in this case), and she gets to remind him, you did it right until the end.

Because he did, or he tried to, and that matters. She was promised an older brother and she never got one, but she got a Steve and that matters.

Make sure to take a proper joy ride in that stupid car when I'm gone, she signs off, because she's still Max even 'til the end.

When Steve reads it, I think it would play a lot like how I wrote it between Max and Eddie in the very first fic I wrote for ST, because I will simply NOT entertain a world where Max dies I cannot DO it I'm not strong enough!

But that's to say I think that one day, when she's healing and recovering and the horror is over even if it will always stick with them, Max gets to choose to let Steve read that letter.

She wants him to know, she realizes, even if she's still here. Especially since she's still here.

She wants him to know that he matters, that he's as important to her as he is, that she loves him for both what he did for her and who he is.

They never gave her an older brother, but she made one, chose one, found one all on her own.

Steve doesn't have the words for it, really, holds her tight to hide the tears in his eyes and says me too, Mayfield, to try and encompass all of it.

Max gets it. She hugs him right back.

She says I know.

And that's maybe the greatest revelation of all.

[lotusmi]

3000 kind hearts in one place ♡

Everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for all the kind messages you are sending me. I feel so loved that I can't stop crying, seeing amazing bloggers checking me makes me feel loved in a way I cannot even express. It's so good to be here knowing I am sharing this place with amazing people, anons, mutuals, and friends. My goal here was always to make things simplier, and I am sorry if in any moment I made you overcomplicate something or anything like that. I am here since November and I don't regret joing Loablr, I know not everything everything is perfect, but even tho, It's worth my time and and effort. Knowing that I made your day better, makes my day better. I really want everyone to have a live full of meaning, love and peace. I really want to make this place full of people who are inner fulfilled, living their dreams.

I know sometimes I take a while to reply some asks, and that I take a while to bring new posts or subs, but I am trying my best to do all of that with the free time that I have in my life. I deeply know that being here is part of my soul purpose and It's so special to me that I am living this with all of you that were here with me.

upcoming updates... ☆

new subliminals, I will post my first supraliminal! new posts about the law, more summaries from Neville and Ed. specific posts on doubts, Self identification and more... new event + a 'challenge'! more...

YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD

You are the light of the world, the name of God is "I AM", so no matter how you feel or what is happening in your life, remember, you are the creator. 'be still and know I AM God'. You are love, light, limitless. Remove rules from the mind, free yourself, give yourself within what you want. You deserve the best, you are doing amazing, you are doing enough. Creation is finished, your desires are already yours, so feel the relief of being so powerful, the freedom of being so free. Everything is alright and it will always be.

Thank you so much everyone! ♡

[lemonarcade]

to everyone:

we did it! we made it to the end of 2023 :) thank you for being part of this roller coaster of a year that went by faster than my brain could comprehend, whether you’ve known me for quite a while, or we’ve just started getting to know each other.

our world has changed and is still changing very much, and i wish only the best for every single one of you that sees this. please stay safe, take care, and here’s to 2024!

some personal messages under the cut!

💌: @by-moonflower

dearest kesya,

writing letters long asks back and forth has become one of my favourite pastimes.

i send you strength and resilience, hope and light. may you find the peace and comfort you deserve.

thank you for always indulging me in my ramblings; sharing our agony over inarizaki’s aggravating middle blocker, mr no.10 sunarin.

your works will forever hold a special place in my heart (i go back to them from time to time) and one day i might frame your beautiful prose and your use of language.

you’ve seen me through my many many reinventions of the (online) self, and each time you welcome me with open arms and a warm loaf of earl grey bread (don’t mind me, i’m just fondly thinking of the wonderful ask you once sent me). this humble one simply cannot express through words just how much this friendship means to me, but i hope that we can continue to watch each other grow and live through life, just as we do now.

sending my warmest wishes for your 2023 to end well, and for 2024 to welcome you just like i was.

tearfully,

caz

💌: @bflfism

yun!! the beefleaf mutual™ that wrote an amazing lqq fic that i was so intrigued by, despite not knowing much more about tgcf outside of the first season of the anime (i don’t think i’ve ever said this to you, so imagine me running to drop a comment as soon as i’ve posted this) i can’t believe i was lucky enough to have found you and stuck with you through your blog changes (as you did with me). what would life be like if i never met you- nevermind! i don’t want to even consider the possibility 😤

even if you don’t frequent tumblr as much anymore, i still enjoy the connection with have through the dash and asks! and :D i would like to say that you have my utmost support in your cosplaying journey ~ (please see my likes are like little thumbs up and encouraging smiles hehe)

💌: @minkibug

minki my beloved tuxedo cat mutual 😼 your silliness never fails to make me smile as i scroll through dash. you 🫵 will be the best dentist. i also wish that you’ll have an unlimited supply of matcha forever (only the best for my fellow matcha lover). it’s such a joy to see you on dash, whether that be study struggles (relatable) or new kpop fixation (good on you) or random tidbits, know that i look at your posts fondly.

💌: @harubirus

hihi fae! i hope you don’t mind the tag, but i wanted to use this opportunity to show my admiration and appreciation for you. your poetic and artistic reblogs never fail to open my eyes to the ways creativity can be expressed, and even more so from your own creations! although we haven’t truly interacted much, your presence on my dash is one i treasure and hope to continue seeing as the new year rolls by. wishing you all the best with life and hope it is treating you well 🧡

💌: @thelargefrye

🍟 my fry queen! i’m very happy we’ve managed to get to this point and remain mutuals (let’s not look at my multiple deletion and creation of blogs…)

smalls, i will always be a loyal fry of yours; even if our fandoms may have drifted apart, seeing your reblogs and posts on the dash reminds me of how i look up to you. your passion and support for ateez is still going strong to this day, and i really admire it as a fellow atiny.

may you enjoy the rest of 2023 and a good 2024 await you!

💌: @secnghwa

viviii it has been way too long since we’ve had a proper chat! whenever we do have a small one, i never seem to be able to ask how you’ve been doing, so here’s me hoping that 2023 has been good to you. ateez’s comeback brought us back together briefly and it was awesome :D the seongjoong unit song was FIRE 🔥 and your bias slayed every. single. rap. verse.

thank you for being part of my 2023 and i hope 2024 will kick off nicely for you!

💌: @barsformars

rinnie i was ecstatic to see your return! hope this year has been good for you, or else 2023 and i will need to have a talk *cracks knuckles*

i missed you a lot, and admittedly did go through your blog on more than one occasion… it was so delightful seeing you back on the dash :D i never did ask, but how did you find ateez’s comeback? they really outdid themselves in many ways, and this album showed quite a lot of the growth that they’ve done since their last full album.

you’ve always been and will always be a good friend of mine that i will think of, and i cherish the times in the past that we shared 🧡 do let me know if i can keep in touch on another platform!

2024 better watch it and be nice to rin 👊

💌: @yinyinggie

you are genuinely a fairy in disguise. let me squish your cheekies okay (please)

combining compliments from teyval and the christmas tree, i am here to present my end of year words of gratitude to the lovely fae.

yinggie, the moments i spend talking to you are never wasted, and most of the time i tuck some of the words into a pocket in my heart. you are like spring flowers blooming in the company of light breeze, and it would be my honour to be able to capture the essence of the gentleness you exude.

my liege, it is MY pleasure to know you and i hope to get to know you even better with this coming year, and perhaps many more to come (i reiterate my wish to someday meet in person)

i feel like you have inspired and helped me to work on myself in quite a few ways, whether it be directly or indirectly, so please have this token of gratitude 🌷

my parting words to you would be that my belief in you stands strong and you can do anything you put your mind to (taking wise words from someone i know)

hope you have a grand closing to end the year :D

💌: @dumbificat

dumbs! (please let me know if i can call you that) my dear darling, you are so so sweet and lovely, and i’m so glad i’ve gotten to know you this year. your willingness to help others and to put yourself out there deserves all the pats on the back and thumbs up (. you’re such a wonderful meowtual and i would definitely love to know you more in this upcoming year. thank you for being a constant witness to my valorant fails and wins. please do take care of yourself and i only wish the best for you 🧡 cheers to the new year!

💌: teyval

to my fellow server members, thank you for making this last half of 2023 such a blast! it's been amazing chatting with everyone and meeting so many lovely people in the span of these past few months, and i wouldn't have it any other way 🧡

to my jijis, your warm welcomes to us newbie mods really made my day. it's been incredible to work together to improve on teyval as a safe and positive space to everyone else, and the endearing ideas you guys have come up with to bring joy to the members is so heartwarming.

special mentions to mhie, zee, snob, ven, yukari, rosey, bell, nervo, meisha, star, henry, alu, cixi, mr cosmic (and ely) for being gold star souls that are part of the reason i continue to go on teyval regularly.

💌: @hereisleo

if leo ever sees this -> i got a kodak film camera!! i've brought it along with me on some trips and special occasions, and from the developed film it's quite clear i've got a lot to work on hehe

hope you've been healthy and well, and continue to be so as we step into a new year 🧡

[builtbybrokenbells]

Hi t!! I just read Reaching New Heights and I've never liked a fic so fast. Bless that anon for sending the ask and thank you for making it come true in the best way. I have to admit I'm a sucker for soft virginity/first time trope, maybe because it's something I've never had. It's so soft and sweet and smoking hot all at the same time and the epitome of fictional men written by women (I mean this as a compliment and I'd choose fictional men over men in real life any day, duh) it instantly reminds me of the episode on Unwaxed podcast where Emily Morse talked about how some so many portrayal of sex scenes in movies and stuff aren't realistic like women actually need time to properly warm up and it's just not realistic for them to have an orgasm in two minutes in an elevator or something. I mean we can all dream in fictional world, but it's just awesome from time to time to read something that has the proper build up (the part with the kisses rather than just rushing into it....top tier writing) I saw dee reblogs it with the tag "men take notes" and I 🙌🙌🙌 I am on my period and anxious as f^ck because of a task I have for tomorrow but coming cross this piece of art feels like a kiss on the forehead. bless your heart for making a stranger feel so soft, mushy, and happpy that she cries a little....THANK YOU SO MUCH. (I am sorry if this is long and TMI, I'm sorry if this sounds awkward....lqiudghxiy I just really need to say it out loud because it's just soooooo goooooood)

Hello, lovely 🤍 let me just say, your words have kept a smile on my face all day long. I wanted to take a minute to formulate a proper response, because you have no idea how appreciative I am for you!

I have also found myself enjoying the virginity/first time trope, and I tend to believe that it’s because my first time was nothing short of awful (and that’s putting it… lightly) and I have spent my entire life dreaming of fictional men that would treat me better than real life men.

I was so nervous to post it, as well as Picasso, which I posted some time ago, now. It was my way of airing out my desire for someone who treated me well, yet I still recognized that first time fics are very difficult to write well. I also fear that with a request like such, that I cannot capture the readers vision as clear or well as they would like me to.

As I posted it and read some messages and comments, I realized that there’s a lot more people who have had the same types of experiences and feelings about the topic than I originally thought. To hear that this made you feel such a way makes me incredibly happy, and I cannot express my gratitude enough.

As for the details, sometimes I feel like it’s easy to forget the build up in lieu of the main event. Especially when there’s so many fics out there that are hot, and exceptionally well written. I hate to say that I did end up cutting out quite a bit of stuff from the main draft, and now that I read this, it makes me feel as though I should have left it. To know that was the part that stuck out with you makes me incredibly happy, because it stuck out to me, too. (I swear I could write a novel about good foreplay and only that, because that’s how much it means to me.)

Good banter and build up are just as essential as the main event to me while creating a scene, as well as a relationship to the story. In a world where it’s normalized for men to leave women unfulfilled, I think it’s quite important to focus on that more than anything else, especially in these types of fics.

I am so grateful for your kindness, and for everyone else who took time to leave a comment. Messages like this and people like you are the reason I come on here and share my work, and I would not be here without your support. Thank you so much for brightening my day, and I’m so glad that my writing could bring you so much joy.

I hope your task tomorrow goes well, and thank you again for being my shred of happiness for the day 🤍

[veeeffvee]

You are so so so kind and sweet... I appreciate all of your lovely words and well wishes so much. I just do not have the ability to properly express it, I do not know how.

Things on my part are super complicated as usual, there is no way for me to even grasp the extent of it. A portion of it I could sum up with: my mental and overall health has not been good these past several months, my disabilities / mental and chronic illnesses have gotten worse, everything is super exhausting and draining, I barely have the strength/energy/executive functioning to manage simple everyday tasks (even those I tend to procrastinate on quite badly) and as a result of that I have not been taking very proper care of myself lately, which then of course results in my state getting even worse, and the cycle continues. I really want to get better and get out of this recent slump but it is hard and I am so tired.

I just feel like I would need a complete break from the entire world for at least a couple of months + sleep at least for 1 year straight, you know? Do you ever feel that way too? Pardon me for assuming, but I just have this feeling that you would probably understand.

I am sorry for dumping all of that on you, forgive me. I hope it does burden or stress you out too much, but if so, please tell me. I just felt the need to give a little bit of context/explanation.

Though, on the other hand.. All of that only makes me appreciate, cherish and treasure your kindness and sweetness all the more. Thank you with my whole heart, Vee. <333

Also, I wanted to say this a lot sooner, but in regards to the tags you left on the second-to-last ask I sent in (probably from the beginning of April, if I remember correctly?)... I cannot tell you how much it has warmed my heart to hear that you consider me a friend. 🥺🥹😭 It is SUCH an honour, seriously!! It means so so so much to me and I do not know how to thank you enough. Please know that I treasure every single interaction we have, as well as you as a person, and if you are okay with it, I consider you my friend too. <3

You are such a lovely person, even if you may not feel that way about yourself, and I am grateful that I made the (really bold for my timid ass, lol) decision to begin sending you asks back in August when I started getting into G&P.

Again, thank you for being my friend, and just for being so kind and lovely and for being yourself. ❤️❤️❤️

I wish you nothing but the absolute best, from the bottom of my heart.

(The Shy & Awkward & Anxious Anon)

Yeah, I can understand that feeling of wanting to put life itself on pause, I totally feel that whenever I'm overwhelmed. Specifically for me, I'd like to stop being "me" for a while, you know? To stop being "Vee." To stop being "[irl name]" and just be someone else for a day or a week or a year. I can get a bit of that whenever I'm writing a character but it's not quite what I want lmao. I think you maybe just need to lose yourself in some hobby, like really get into the zone while doing something. But ahh I'm not an expert on this stuff, I just wanna help however I can haha

By the way, you don't have to explain yourself to me or justify not messaging me for a while, especially if you don't actually want to. Life just gets in the way sometimes, I totally get it! And it certainly doesn't get any easier as you get older lmao, so I understand. Although I do appreciate a little check-in now and then just to make sure you're still okay ;v;

And let me just say that it's been a pleasure to be your friend. I really do enjoy your kind messages, and it's just nice in general to be able to talk to you (even though it's in this ask/answer format lmao)

I hope things get better for you soon, because it makes me sad to hear that you're struggling. Please don't give up, because I believe in you. :>

[seraphicalsuccubus]

Over the years of following you on here I've grown to really enjoy you as a person. You are one of the most compassionate, loving, vicious, caring, funny, silly, relatable people I've had the privilege of getting to know. Words can't express how much I care for and appreciate you. You've helped me through some dark times and entertained me in the best simply by being yourself. I wish more than anything that I could do the same for you. I hope whatever storms plaguing you currently pass very soon and fair weather follows you from then on. You are an enigma in the best way and a truly treasured heart in this world Serena.

oh. OH. 🥺😭 oh my fucking goodness this actually made me tear up, holy shit

this was so genuinely wholesome and just, so very fucking sweet of you to say? I’m far too emotionally unstable to process this like, just the sheer kindness behind this without bawling I swear to god omfg 😭

thank you, for being so wonderful and making me feel like my presence actually matters to some of you. like my existence makes a difference to some of you in a positive way. I cannot thank you enough for just how fucking unbelievably grateful and stunned I am to have someone just simply say that they’ve come to really enjoy me and how I’ve grown as a person over the years of following me. like, that honestly means the world to me.

from the bottom of my heart, with every fiber of my being, thank you for sending this when you did (I know it was a fair bit ago according to the time stamp on the ask itself 😅) and for me stumbling upon it in my inbox when I needed to hear it the most. I will be forever thankful for this message, and I’m probably gonna screenshot it to look back on during the times when I feel extremely low and worthless and like a waste of what could’ve been a useful human being tbh. because this was a huge pick me up and it absolutely made my day. thank you so much 😭😭😭

[thebestofoneshots]

hii, i've been reading gc without reblogging or liking the chapters because i always forget 😭, so i thought i would at least send you this message. i genuinely cannot express enough how much i love the story line and the dynamic of the characters. i absolutely love the way you write.

thank you so much for writing this masterpiece of a story ❤️

also i saw you updated your map and the czech republic still wasn't on there, so i thought i would contribute, as i am from there

once again, thank you so much for creating this story ❤️

Hello darling! You know, my favourite thing are comments and asks, and the fact that you took the time to write one, means the world to me ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

Of course, likes and reblogs are helpful (and more than welcome since they help get the work across the platform) but the really, actually fulfilling thing is to see your thoughts like it is no joke when I say your comments fill me with joy <3

I have put so much effort on the relationship between the characters, and not only Vixen, Rem and Siri but also all the other ones and the fact that you've noticed makes me actually fiscally smile, it's thrilling!

Thank you so much for reading and enjoying Gilded Constellations. Sending a massive hug and kisses to the Chech-Republic <3

Now you know guys, you feed me comments, I'll feed you stories ꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡

Read Gilded Constellations

[shytastemakerthing]

Hello! Please forgive me.

If you are still doing matchups, is it alright if I get a romantic Fnaf Security Breach and Poppy Playtime (with Smiling Critters) one? I understand if this is closed and you may ignore this message if so.

My pronouns are she/her, I'm an introvert and if you consider astrology, I am an Aquarius Sun, Cancer Moon and Leo Rising. I am straight and prefer guys but if that doesn't count than you can ignore. I don't really like revealing much about myself so you can say that I'm shy and mysterious. My hobbies include dancing (especially ballet and sometimes kpop). My talent is fitting into kids clothes because of slender my body is. My expression tends to look very distant and sad. I cannot emphasize enough how much I want to look like a Ball Jointed Doll, so I try to get as many sweet lolita dresses as possible. I love tea and coffee, I also like wearing (and buying) anything pink. I don't like heavy or gourmet meals (or food in general). If I were to be an animatronic, I'd be a cat.

If this wasn't enough information, please let me know 😭

Hello! Don't worry, everything is open right now so you are just fine! Thank you so much for your request and I hope you enjoy your match-ups! Now, I haven't done FNAF or Poppy's playtime before so I hope this is good! I rather enjoy both games!

Tw: None

I match you with.........

Sundrop/Moondrop

For starters, they're a package deal. While they are two separate AI sharing the same body, both of them still love you. It's a handful at times, but they certainly ensure that you are well taken care of

Before they became the daycare and Naptime attendants, they were working in the theater, this would mean that that they have access to all sorts of outfits, there is sure to be one in there to your liking!

The fact that you are capable of fitting into child sized clothing is rather astonishing to both of them. Sun will certainly have to keep the kids from pulling out any of their spare clothing to see if you could fit into it after that little bit of information came to light

Both of them have expressed their concerns when it came to your usual expression. While they both know that humans have certain resting expressions, and that it may not be what they are actually feeling, just seeing that your relaxing expression makes you look so sad is a little concerning to them. It takes some getting used to

Moon has asked to dance with you on more than one occasion. Sun gets to see you a lot longer, as he is out more often, and he gets to dance with you and the kids. When they're napping, he wants his turn

He also loves your shy demeanor. Has he poked at you about it? Yes. Will he stop? Well, that depends

Sun finds it adorable, so when he gets those rare moments that you're more out of your shell, he cherishes each and every millisecond of it

They both have access to the internet, they both know of your love for lolita dresses and anything pink.... yes, they have managed to get you things. When asked, they won't answer

Well, you get some cute new outfits for it

Now, I think Moon wouldn't exactly like the coffee drinking. Too much caffeine, it keeps you awake when you should be asleep, so he will try to limit your intake

But both seem rather chill about the tea.... Moon has slipped you a sleepytime tea more than once if he saw you tired but still deciding to work.... don't test just how far he will go

Overall, they both just want the very best for you. Not to mention, they absolutely love how you just treat them like anyone else, like they're actually people. A lot of the time, they are overlooked, either for being animatronic, or because they weren't part of the main cast. SO, every moment they get to share with you, is a moment that they will cherish forever.

I match you with...........

DogDay

This will be set pre- hour of joy!

He absolutely loves watching you dance, no matter the style, that music it is, he just loves being able to watch you

Yes, that is his tail wagging

He is a little too big to try and dance with you, poor boy is worried to accidentally hurt you

But perhaps you would let him carry you and he can dance with you in his arms?

He would rather like that

One thing that gets him scratching his head is just how you are able to fit into child sized clothing. He has seen how small some of those can be and the fact you can fit into them? He still wonders how you do it

He loves seeing you dressed up all cute in your lolita dresses and pink outfits. He may not have a way to get you more, but he certainly wished that he did

Maybe he can ask Crafty if she has any ideas if they could make you something somehow? There is bound to be some fabric around here somewhere

He is not someone to try and force you out of your shy shell, he loves you just the way that you are and if you are having any difficulties, he will certainly be there as fast as he can to be able to help you out

At the end of a long day, Dogday wants nothing more than to be able to relax with you. One thing he certainly loves is being able to rest his head in your lap. You could be sipping on your tea and the both of you would be going over everything that happened that day

Overall, Dogday is a caring and loyal partner. He would ensure that you have everything it is that you need, never does he fail to compliment you, especially the dresses you chose for the day, he loves them all. You just make them even more beautiful. Everyday, he is thankful for the chance that he got to meet you, and he loves just how much you have changed his life

Thank you so much for your request!!!

[pansyfemme]

hey i just found your blog and wanted to let you know that your gender expression is exactly what i want for myself, but i'm so afraid of getting there.

I identified as nonbinary for four years before I started T and soon after that realized I was just a binary trans man. I used to dress pretty feminine a lot of the time, I used to wear a lot of makeup, jewelry, skirts and dresses, etc and I wasn't ashamed of it. I even would dress up in drag sometimes, and I still have all of that stuff. but I also had really severe dysphoria that was so debilitating. when I started T and first began to pass, I gained a bunch of weight and no longer fit a lot of my feminine clothes. And I stopped dressing feminine at all.

For months I was soaking up the euphoria of now passing as male, it was so amazing and such a huge relief. I liked being masculine a lot of the time, I gradually ended up turning into a bear, and I loved that. But eventually I started to miss my old style, I missed wearing makeup and I missed it all. I started wearing earrings again to work, my boss always comments on them that she loves them, and it makes me happy. But it's not enough.

I have really deeply ingrained internalized homophobia, it's probably something I need to work on but right now I have a lot else on my plate. I live in a blue state, in a progressive city, I've never experienced any LGBT hate personally directed at me, but the fear is still there. I'm also terrified of people assuming I'm nonbinary again, because I know with my heart that isn't me. I'm a man, there is no question to my maleness at all to me. It took me a long time to realize that. Even now that I pass, my dysphoria fears are still there, and I fear that dressing how I want to would cause people to misgender me again, but this time as nonbinary instead of female.

I have a bunch of money in gift cards at this one costume/vintage store I got most of my old stuff at, I want to go and revamp my closet with stuff that fits me now, but I'm so afraid now that I pass as male. I'm afraid of the judgmenet, trying to be a feminine man when I am neither skinny nor hairless.

Do you have any words of advice at all? Looking at the photos in your pinned post, you give me so much gender envy. And we're the same age. I wish I could get to where you are but I have so much fear preventing me. Thank you for your time, hope you are having a wonderful day <3

First of all, thank you for such a sweet honest message. It means a lot that I could be someone you think of to seek advice from.

Given your concerns, i cannot tell you that it's going to be easy. I'm also from a progressive city in a blue state, but even there, i get a lot of rude words shouted from cars, laughs at me, and a lot of hurtful statements pretty reguarly. I also have that issue of people assuming im detranstioning or nonbinary. I'm not saying these things to caution you against it, because I continue to dress the way I do regardless of these things, but I want to be fully honest about how I experience going out in public the way I do. I'm lucky enough to have very supportive friends, teachers and classmates, that are both positive towards, and downright thrilled about the way I present.

I feel very similarly towards my maleness. I identified with various labels in middle and highschool, but remained he/him pronouns and leaned masculine until i realized that perhaps I was just a man who enjoyed presenting femininly. The original transition back to dressing feminine happened while i was still identifying as nonbinary, but already on hrt. For a period of time, i decided to present very differently. I was on hrt, but i shaved all my body hair, wore heavy makeup, and i still had my chest at the time, so i essentially presented as what most would percieve as a cis female but continued to use he/him. This wasn't an act of detransiton, it was actually based on consistant bodyshaming i recieved from another trans person in my life. I'm just spelling this out because at different times in my transiton, i have presented as masculine, feminine, androgynous and something in between both before and after medical transiton. I still have days I choose to take on a more masculine apperance in public for various reasons, though I no longer have the ability to pass as a cis woman. I believe that gender presentation is fully fluid, and I've become pretty comfortable moving between different states of being even when my idenity remains static. What you are percieved as externally has very little to do with your internal idenity, and being fluid in presentation doesn't mean your personal identity is fluid.

For me, the best ways I could manage presenting the way I do is the fact that I have a personal network of people who are very confidently supportive of my choices, as well as seeing a regular therapist who encouraged my crossdressing after seeing how happy it made me. You have to be aware that even if you are already visably queer, this will increase it signifigantly. Queer visability can be good, and theres no way to entirely turn off your visability, but understanding that dressing like this can become stressful or anxiety inducing is a big factor. I, for example, never use gendered public restrooms unless i am presenting masculinely. The main positives of dressing this way is that it can feel really genuine. I don't feel like a girl in makeup and skirts, I feel and look like how I am. You'll also notice a decline in people gendering you specifically transmasculinly. Yes, people will assume you're trans, but you will be left to tell people your actual identity. While having they/them used on you can be an issue, I find people ask your pronouns a lot more often when they can't directly assume he/him or she/her. This has led to me gaining a lot of control over my own coming out, and me being able to tell someone my idenity in my words because they can't fit into boxes immediatly. So yes, people may assume you are nonbinary. However, this can manifest in different ways, including people being less likely to assume things as all, if that makes sense.

The issue with being fat and hairy and presenting femininly can manifest in a lot of ways. It's just an assumption that people make that a man who presents femininly must be skinny, hairless, and submissive. The power we have is being able to show people that that isn't reflective of our community. As a guy on here who's gained a lot of following specifically for being a feminine man who is not what people may expect by that description has lead to a lot of people telling me they've experimented a lot more with gender presentation, and that means a lot. I cannot tell you that people will be polite about it. However, I have experienced a lot of love towards me because of those aspects of me as well, and that's really exciting.

I appriciate the ask. sorry it took a few days.