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savemefromanepicoftimewasted · 11 months

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Why Does Change Hurt So Much? Pt. 2

Joel Miller X F!Reader Ellie Williams X Dina

Joel knew deep down he wouldn't be able to erase the memories of his past, nor could he hide the damage he had done. He just needed to accept it was time to move on, things would never be the same

a/n:thank you so much to everyone who read part 1! warnings:mentions of suicide/being suicidal, blood, near death experiences, self doubt, if I missed any please inbox me! Part 1 Part 3 Part 4

Ellie watched the infirmary like a hawk everyday to see when Joel would finally be released to go back home. She needed to talk to him, to discuss things without it blowing up in her face and causing one of the only people she cared about to get hurt. Tommy had promised he would tell her when he went home if she was out on patrol. What she hadn’t been expecting was for Maria to send her out with the group that was to get the last of the medical supplies from the hospital. It had to be a joke, she’d been waiting for Joel to get better so that they could talk and now she wanted Ellie to just up and leave for who knows how long?

Jesse had been the one to convince her that if she did something that could benefit everyone in Jackson maybe Joel would be a little more willing to talk. It was the day they’d left that Joel was allowed to go back home, an hour before Ellie was on horseback Joel was stumbling into his living room. Tommy lied and said he was still in the bed for a few more days, claiming he’d sparked a small fever. It wasn’t Joel that was asking Tommy to lie for him, though it wouldn’t be the first time. No, it was you begging the younger Miller brother not to tell Ellie what was going on.

You held no anger towards her, knowing the risk that was leaving the walls of Jackson to go on a journey, but Joel was still healing. The stitches left behind a scar, directly next to the one that Ellie had had to sew all those years ago. Maybe that was why you were so afraid to let her near him right now, Joel had gotten hurt and it was enough to scare you. You’d spent hours talking while he laid in bed, from the last time he’d been in this same position, to what would happen next. Joel wanted to talk things out with Ellie, to put everything in the past and just move on, but he wasn’t sure where they could go from there.

“Baby, I can make coffee for myself you don’t need to worry,” Joel was staring you down, refusing to let you wait on him hand and foot anymore.

��Please Joel? I had to watch you basically become comatose for a week, the last thing I want to worry about is you hurting yourself,” You weren’t above begging, had done it on plenty occasions when it came to Joel.

He sighed softly, pushing away from the counter to let you take over for him. You smiled softly at him before finishing the simple task. Joel was thankful you weren’t set out on patrols, though Tommy never said as to why. It had been a thought that lingered in the back of his mind for the first few months of your relationship but he’d eventually moved on. You went to ask if he wanted anything to eat alongside his coffee before a small knock caught your attention. Shit, this wasn’t the best time for this to happen.

“Do you want to get the door?” Normally you’d run over to prevent Joel from seeing Ellie so soon, but you wanted them to talk.

“Oh I’m allowed to open the door but not make my own coffee?” His tone was teasing, and although you knew that meant he was in a good mood it could sour in an instant.

Ellie was twisting her fingers together, a nervous tick she’d picked up over the years that she hadn’t managed to shake. The sound of the door opening brought her attention back to the now, staring up at Joel as he stared down at her. You couldn’t look away from the coffee in front of you, unsure of what you’d say if you were confronted as well. Cold air was pouring into the kitchen as Joel and Ellie stared at one another, both staying completely silent.

“Hey, can we talk please?” It was a repeat of that day all over again, down to the damn coffee.

“Yeah, we can talk inside,” Joel moved away from the door, waiting for Ellie to step inside before shutting it tight.

You pushed the plunger down on the press once the coffee was ready, pouring a cup for Joel and offering one to Ellie. She politely declined, saying she never developed a taste for it. It had been something Joel teased her about for years before she’d hated him. Joel sat down in the chair slowly, being careful of his side that was still healing. Ellie sat across from him, watching the way he took the mug from you gently. She’d never been around couples enough to know when people were truly in love, but this? She could see the way Joel lit up when you were around, how much he wanted to pull you into his lap and smother your face with kisses. You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before excusing yourself from the room, it was time for the two of them to talk about everything.

“Joel, I’m sorry,” Ellie wasn’t sure how she should start the conversation but it just slipped out.

“Ellie, I really don’t want to argue about this again,” Joel had gone through a million different scenarios while in the infirmary, and each one led back to the same dead end.

“I don’t want to argue with you Joel, I want to figure out how we can finally move past all the bullshit,” She’d talked with Jesse and Dina during the most recent trip, they offered the best advice they could but neither could truly understand the issues at hand.

Joel frowned, pulling the mug to his lips and letting the warm coffee slide down his throat. He’d barely remembered the ride back from the hospital, but he knew it was Ellie that helped get him home. That didn’t change things though, deep down he knew she was still hurt by his actions and that would never erase everything. It was selfish, possibly even a little bit stupid but Joel never claimed to be highly intelligent when it came to those he cared about. He crossed over half the country in search of his brother.

“You look at her differently than you looked at Tess,” Oh that was definitely the wrong thing to say.

“Tess and I were never together like that, it was too dangerous to get close in the QZ,” Joel’s grip tightened on the mug, his voice pitching an octave lower.

“She made it pretty obvious that she loved you before it all went to shit,” Ellie couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, eyes widening in fear as she watched his expression morph into one of pure rage.

“You don’t think I know that? She was one of the first people I started to trust during all this shit, she was the first friend I had in years! So do not sit there and act like I wasn’t aware of how Tess felt about me,” Joel pushed away from the table harshly, stumbling over to the kitchen sink.

You had been eavesdropping from around the corner, a hand pressed against your mouth to prevent the heartbroken gasp that slipped through your lips. Joel had told you about Tess, about how he’d cared about her but was too afraid to let himself just be. How they’d met Bill and Frank through the radio and had amazing lunches made by Bill. You’d wanted to make those same kinds of memories together, but you didn’t want to overshadow how much those people meant to him.

“I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, and when you live in a place where people aren’t even fucking honest when they get bit, it’s a little hard to get close,” Ellie had heard the amount of people being murdered in the streets, hearing their horrified screams.

“Then why start a relationship in the first place?” Maybe it was a low blow, but Ellie hadn’t been in a serious relationship before.

“Because I did love her, but I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be,” Joel rinsed out the cup, grimacing at how much coffee he had wasted.

Joel had closed himself off for years, not willing to let anyone past the barrier that was his heart for the rest of his days. It wasn’t until Ellie had pushed him away that he’d even realized just how lonely he was. And now here you were, the wife he’d never thought he’d have after living much too long into the apocalypse. He was watching his brother and sister-in-law become the parents he once was.

“I was the reason you got stabbed, if I hadn’t run into the room when you and Tommy were arguing we’d have all gone back to Jackson and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt,” Ellie blamed herself for a lot of different things, but this was one of the main ones.

“Ellie-”

“No, had you not left to go and get any of the supplies you would have gone back home to be with your wife, but instead you got stabbed and had a bunch of kids making sure you didn't die on the way home,” It was a reminder of the before.

Joel had never blamed her, he’d always known there would be risks while patrolling or even going on supply runs, it just happens. The girl who’d stabbed him had come up on his right side, noticing how he didn’t react to absolutely anything until the blade dug deep. Joel wanted to yell, to get their attention so desperately, but there was someone else in the room. It was better just to just slowly bleed out and die.

“Ellie, I knew the risks of going on that run even before I got onto my horse that day, you don’t need to blame yourself,” He could see your shadow from where you were leaning against the wall that separated the living room and kitchen.

“You got stabbed, again!” Ellie was slightly hysterical, more angry with herself than anything.

“People aren’t always going to be friendly, I don’t think they even realized that the three of you were there,” He’d had nightmares of that scenario happening all over, except he wasn’t the one being stabbed.

At first it was Ellie, and then Dina, Tommy, and then finally you. He’d refused to sleep after he watched you bleed out in his arms, tears streaking down his cheeks. It didn’t matter that you were asleep next to him, head pillowed on your arms as you slept so peacefully.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” This was it, Joel was about to lay everything out on the table so there were no longer any secrets between them.

“What’s wrong?” Ellie perked up in her seat, all attention focused solely on the older man.

“Back when we weren’t talking I may have been a little reckless. I’d only kept myself alive because I wanted to make sure that you would be alright, and once you found out the truth” Joel sighed to himself, this wasn’t going to be easy.

“I didn’t care whether I lived or died anymore, Tommy would send me out on patrols and supply runs and I just got careless. I nearly got myself killed more times in those few months than I did when I was still doing runs for the QZ,” It was shameful to admit Joel hadn’t wanted to survive.

It felt like a dirty secret, he hadn’t even told you how much he hated being alive during that time, even after you’d first gotten together he kept that part of himself hidden. Maybe it was because his first attempt had been unsuccessful, and losing another kid broke him down. It took for his little niece to be born for things to finally change, his brushes with death were over.

“Your wifes really nice, she didn’t even get mad at me when I told her it was my fault you got hurt,” Ellie had been nearly inconsolable that day, crying into the fabric of your shirt.

“That’s who she is as a person, I couldn’t ask for a better life partner,” Joel twirled the ring on his finger absentmindedly.

“I’m really sorry about what I said that night, you were just being protective and I got angry because of it,” Joel knew Ellie could fight her own battles, she was stronger than everyone gave her credit for.

Joel just nodded, eyes glazed over as he stared down at the floor, memories flooding his mind as the world continued on around him. What would have happened if he’d succumbed to his injuries during that supply run? Would Ellie have blamed herself for his death the way he blamed himself for why she hated him?

“I never wanted you to have to deal with people being assholes over something like that, you deserve to be happy,” Joel had always been a supportive person, why did it matter who someone chose to spend their life with?

“Thanks,” Was it that obvious that Ellie and Dina were together? She’d kept it quiet for Jesse’s sake, even if he already knew.

“I just wanted to let you know I understand, if you don’t want to move past everything then I can’t stop you, but well, I miss you kid,” Joel could feel the way his throat was closing, choking up slightly.

Ellie threw herself out of the chair, wrapping her arms around him as he embraced her in a tight bear hug, ignoring his still healing side. It would never erase what Joel had done, or that he’d lied to her for over two years, but he wanted to work on it all.

“Tommy’s sending me out on another supply run, we won’t be as far away but I’ll be gone for a little bit,” Ellie knew Joel would worry like a mother hen, it was simply in his nature.

“Thank you for telling me,” Joel squeezed her a little bit tighter, smiling to himself.

They were going to work on their relationship one day at a time, and eventually things wouldn’t be so tense, right?

◤──•~❉᯽❉~•──◥

Ellie had been gone for a little over two weeks when the incident happened. Joel had seen everyone off, telling Ellie and Jesse to be on watch whenever they were out in the open with no easy places to hide. Ellie had promised to keep an eye on everyone and make sure no one got the upper hand. It warmed his heart how much she truly listened to him, even if he hadn’t listened to himself at times.

He’d gone to the tipsy bison to grab some dinner and a drink with Tommy so they could catch up while you and Maria were with the baby. It didn’t matter how old she was, Joel would always refer to his niece as a little baby.

“I heard you and Ellie finally made up, took you long enough,” Tommy snickered, his hair graying more on the sides as he stared at his older brother.

“We sat down and had a conversation about everything, it was a long time coming,” Joel knew he played a big part in why they’d stopped speaking, and as much as he wanted to apologize prior, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Well I think it’s great, you two were as thick as thieves before it all went down,” Tommy finished off the last of his burger, groaning as he leaned back in his seat.

Joel chuckled as he watched Tommy unbuckle his belt, he couldn’t count on one hand the amount of times he’d had to do the same whenever you cooked for him.

“We’re still working on things, but for now it’s all good,” Joel wiped his hands off before grabbing for his whiskey.

He’d be working off the carbs tomorrow during his usual shift, but for right now he was simply enjoying the meal and conversation. Maybe he’d surprise you during your own shift and take you over for lunch, that’d be fun.

“I’m gonna get back and grab the wife, I’ve gotta get up early to help with the horses tomorrow,” Joel was thankful they stopped sending him on patrols, moreso because he wanted to be around for you more.

“Tell Maria I’ll be back in a few, gonna stop by the woodmaker and see how Emily’s new bed frame is coming along,” Joel nodded to his brother before heading out.

The air was crisp and colder than he’d been expecting, even if it was in the dead of winter Joel still preferred the warmth of the summer. He could barely hear the sounds of his own boots as he made the way to Tommy and Maria’s house. It was close to where you and he were currently living which was nice. As he turned down to one of the side paths to the house an arm wrapped around his throat as someone kicked the backs of his knees until he was on the ground. The arm tightened before letting him go, watching as he slammed into the ground.

He lifted his head to see what the hell was going on before coming face to, well knee, with Seth. Shit, this was definitely going to end badly if Seth was coming after him where no one could see him.

“Thanks to you and your little cunt daughter I got put on shit duty,” Seth slammed the heel of his boot into Joel’s side, snickering as the sound of agony ripped from the older man’s throat.

“Deserve to rot in hell you fucking asshole,” The two other men took turns kicking into any space on Joel’s body they could reach.

Joel wasn’t surprised that Seth had been demoted, it happened to anyone that stepped out of line and went after someone in the commune. He held his arms over his head to try and protect himself, too weak to try and get up and fight off the attackers. The sickening crunch that echoed in the air caught Joel’s attention immediately. Blood filled his throat within seconds, cutting off any and all air flow he had.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!” Tommy’s voice startled Seth who was ready to strike another nearly fatal blow.

“Go!” Seth turned and ran, leaving Joel’s battered body lying on the ground.

The other two men fled in different directions, too scared to be confronted by one of the “leaders” of Jackson. Joel couldn’t move, coughing blood onto the packed snow that laid beneath him. Wasn’t this just the sight to see, Joel Miller would meet his end because of some homophobic asshole.

“Shit! Someone get a doctor!” Now Tommy’s voice carried a lot of authority, and even if Joel would scoff that anyone would listen, right now he was thankful someone came to his aid.

Joel was losing consciousness slowly, eyes slipping closed as he accepted the fact he would most likely never wake up. The pain was unbearable, tearing apart his body as they got him to the infirmary as fast as they could manage. He was knocked out within minutes of arrival, the town's surgeon getting ready for what would be his riskiest procedure in years.

You had gotten worried as the minutes turned into hours, surely they wouldn’t get drunk when they were both due to be at the stables tomorrow. Maria was sitting with Emily, trying to help her eat the carrots she’d cooked. It warmed your heart to watch how much of an amazing mother that Maria was, and how caring she was. The door slammed open as Tommy ran inside, the front of his shirt covered in blood. He didn’t stop to answer any of Maria’s questions before he grabbed his gun and ran back out the door.

“You..you don’t think this has anything to do with Joel, right?” Your heart was racing, he had to be okay, he just had to be.

“I’m sure he’s okay, but if you want to go check I’ll make sure to hold down the fort,” Maria wouldn’t fault you for worrying about your husband, it was natural.

You nodded towards the other woman before fleeing the house, watching as Tommy gathered a group of people to “hunt down the bastards that hurt him”. It was, something had happened to Joel and you were just finding out. Tommy had realized you were outside, cursing to himself before walking towards you. It was as if your fight or flight kicked in as you bolted towards the infirmary, if Joel had been seriously injured this is where they’d take him.

Bursting through the door it took two different people to prevent you from finding where Joel had been taken. It was serious, if you weren’t allowed to be where he was then it was truly that serious.

“Please! What happened to him?” You were hysterical, tears sliding down your cheeks as you begged for any answer.

“It looks like he got jumped, they managed to break one of his ribs which punctured his lung, they’re doing everything they can to make sure that he’ll be okay,” You knew exactly who’d done this to him.

It was no surprise that Joel had enemies inside and outside of Jackson, no one was ever innocent in this world. Hopefully they’d find Seth and whoever else was with him and get rid of them before they could harm anyone else.

“Can I wait until he’s done? Please?” You were desperate, hoping by the grace of whoever was listening that Joel would pull through.

“Yes, someone will get you when he’s stable in a room,” The nurse patted your shoulder gently before heading back to where she was needed.

It was a painful reminder of where you were just a few short weeks prior. What would Ellie say when she got back with everyone? God, could you even handle being face to face with her knowing it was because of Seth that he was hurt again? No, there was no time to let yourself spiral while your husband was struggling to survive just a few doors down.

“Where is he?!” Ellie burst through the doors, sweat dripping down the sides of her face as she locked eyes with you.

“He’s in surgery right now, Tommy already has a group looking for the guys that assaulted him,” You hadn’t stopped crying, lip quivering as you looked back at the door that separated you and your husband.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone on that supply run, goddamnit!” Ellie was angry with herself, had she stayed behind this wouldn’t have happened.

You stood up and gently shushed the girl before pulling her into a tight embrace. It would never be Ellie’s fault that Seth was a bigot, there was nothing she could do to change his mind. The only sounds heard were your stuttered breathing and Ellie’s deep breaths. You hadn’t been aware of the two people standing in the doorway, too busy in your sorrow.

“Oh, I forgot to mention we ran into some people during the run,” Ellie pulled away from you, wiping at her eyes before she turned to face the two newcomers.

The woman looked nervous, watching the way you stood close to Ellie, the younger boy was hiding behind the woman. It would’ve been ironic had you not been worrying about Joel at that moment.

“I’m so sorry, it’s nice to meet you both,” You chuckled as you wiped away the tears, knowing you didn’t look presentable.

“Nice to meet you, Ellie actually saved us from a pack of clickers,” The girl seemed shy, though it was surprising with her stature.

“That’s because Ellie knows good people when she sees them,” You wrapped an arm around her shoulders, smiling when she leaned into you.

Tonight would be a lot more stressful knowing that Ellie was back and would also be worrying about how Joel was doing.

“Why don’t you take them over to get something to eat? Joel won’t be able to have any visitors for a while anyway,” You didn’t want to rush Ellie and the newcomers out by any means, but right now you needed to be alone with your thoughts.

“Sure, I’ll bring you something so you aren’t hungry later,” Ellie left before you could protest, the two strangers following behind her.

You plopped down in the chair you’d been occupying before, begging for anyone that was listening for Joel to pull through. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t work for two months, you’d handle everything and deal with all the annoying shit that came with it.

It was nearing four in the morning when one of the nurses came to let you know that Joel was stable and asleep in one of the rooms. You’d nearly burst into tears once more before heading off to find your husband. Joel was sleeping peacefully under the ivory sheet. There was a bag of saline hanging beside his bed, his skin paler than what you’d like to see. It looked like they cleaned him up before putting him into the room. Shit, did that mean they’d had to throw out his coat? Wow, worrying over something as trivial as a coat while your husband nearly died, real classy.

“Hi sweetheart, I’m so sorry this happened,” You bit your lip to help prevent the tears, sliding your hand into Joel’s.

His skin was warm, the calloused fingers you’d come to know and love a reminder that Joel was still here, he was still alive. The only thing that mattered in that very moment was knowing whether or not Seth got the punishment he deserved. Ellie would make sure of it if Tommy didn’t, you had no doubts. Things would go back to normal, and Joel would be back home where it was safe. Maybe you could invite the newcomers to have dinner and meet them in a more formal place.

This was a nightmare.

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