#joel miller father figure

[heartpascal]

Pls tell me there's a part two for "if the door wasn't shut". I need Joel and Ellie to come back and reader avoiding them and not speaking to them and just walking away when they try to talk to her. Ofc happy ending but make them work for that forgiveness

i would let you in

▹ — joel miller x platonic!f!reader

▹ — summary: part two of if the door wasnt shut — after being abandoned in jackson, tommy and maria take care of you. joel and ellie’s return hurts far more than their departure.

▹ — a/n: i have no idea how the timeline is gonna work out in the show so ignore that!!! i went off on a bit of a tangent in this one… oops. anyways. let me know if you guys do want a part three!!!

▹ — warnings: angst!!!! AND MORE ANGST!!! oh yeah and a bit of angst too. father figure joel (except he’s failed that role for reader), arguments, throwing of objects, general hopeless feelings, sadness, not proofread, also you WILL like pottery and ceramics sorry!! almost father figure tommy….

▹ — tags: @faceache111 @viknowsbest @inkiqayo @wrcn9fvlcver @pedropascalsrealgf @httpjiikook @issybee0611 @liableperfections @dksjskx @canpillowscry @beeblisss @lizzylynch1 @randomstory56 @hiphopdancer101universe (once again just tagged everyone who asked for pt 2! pls let me know if you want the tag removed<;3)

masterlist | PART THREE

howl’s song associations!

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Everything in this world felt empty. It all felt so… weightless. Like you could pick something up, and it would have no meaning. Sometimes, you felt that way, too.

You couldn’t help it.

It was like everything you felt had drained from your very being, leaving your deflated and aching and empty.

But the emptiness sometimes masked as rage, and then you were throwing all of these meaningless things at meaningless walls, sick to death of hearing yourself yell about things that didn’t matter, that held no weight.

It didn’t matter what it was, it just gave you the shortest reprieve of feeling something, of feeling angry. It burned hot in your veins, and for a moment, you were full of fire. Until your oxygen ran out, and the fire spluttered before it died away, leaving you panting and exhausted and empty once more.

You knew it concerned Maria. Knew that she didn’t need this, the stress of having some kid that lacked the ability to even feel remorseful for breaking the plate that she had only just given you. She should’ve been focusing on the impending arrival of her actual kid, not feeling responsible for the one her brother-in-law had practically dumped on her doorstep.

But you didn’t ask for this either, did you?

Even when you had tried to leave, tried to get a horse out of its stall in the stable, tried to follow the only people you believed you could trust, you couldn’t.

You just about remember the way Tommy had pulled you back from where you had been frantic, trying to untie the horse in a frenzy as your chest heaved, the abandonment trying to deep into your bones. You had coughed and gasped, doing everything you could to try and get this feeling out of you, but nothing had worked.

Then, you had woken up on Tommy and Maria’s couch, the two of them beginning to doze off as the night crept up on them. It had been Maria who had jolted awake first, even when you just rustled the blanket they’d placed over you.

You didn’t want her pity then, had outright refused it. The two adults had tried to comfort you, but you had made it so difficult — because why should you make it easy? Your trust had been burnt up, your tether had reached its end, and you felt… hopeless.

There was nobody left for you in this world — and you wouldn’t let Maria or Tommy try to change that, even with their consistent attempts at being there for you.

They had relented to letting you remain in the house across the road, despite wanting you to remain in their home. They brought over meals every day, whether it be from the pub in town, or from their own kitchen.

Luckily for you, they hadn’t mentioned the cuts to your hand, the ones you had gotten from scraping up shards of ceramic off of the floor, after yet another one of your meltdowns. Sometimes, the only way you could actually feel that anger, was to let it out. And considering they hadn’t given you any of your weapons back, throwing plates and bowls and cups against all available surfaces had to suffice.

It had been weeks — you were sure of it. As much as you tried not to take count, the absence of the only people you had left made the days and nights pass slowly, so slowly that it was just a matter of how many days had you been throwing things? Or how many nights had remained restless?

It was on the twenty-sixth day that Maria had enough, seeing the remains of yet another plate in the garbage around the back of your house.

“Okay, if you’re gonna keep breaking these, you’re gonna have to start replacing them.” Maria told you, voice sterner than it had been in a long time. She’d tried the gentle approach, tried being soft, tried letting you heal in your own way, but it didn’t seem to be working. So strict Maria it would have to be. “Come with me.”

You followed her, with some reluctance, but you knew you didn’t have much of a choice. After all, as much as you hated to admit it, you relied on her. Without her, you were screwed.

So, you shrugged on your coat, and followed her as the snow crunched underneath your boots. She took turns so quickly, with so little hesitation, that you were almost surprised. You’d been in Jackson for a few weeks, and this didn’t feel familiar to you.

She tugged open a shop door, coughing away the dust that shot up at her, and felt the wall for a light switch, humming in victory when the store lit up.

You looked around, confused. You didn’t have money to buy new plates… and this place looked empty. You turned to Maria, watching as she wiped the dust off of a circular… machine?

“Well, it’s not the cleanest,” She acknowledged, “But there’s some supplies left out back, and the boys know where to get more clay.”

“Clay? What— Maria, what is this place?” You asked, running your finger against the dusty grooves of a wooden table, feeling bumps of dried something, and leaning forward to inspect the tools that had been abandoned on the table.

“Old ceramics shop,” She told you, opening the door to the back section of the shop and opening a window to let the air breathe. “Hasn’t been a big priority, really. Came in to get some plates when some of the houses had none, but nobody’s been all to bothered ‘bout fixing it up.”

“So, why am I here?” You raised your eyebrows, starting to get annoyed.

“Because, you’re gonna fix it up. If you’re gonna keep breaking all my damn plates, you’re gonna have to replace ‘em.” Maria replied, opening the windows at the front of the shop, and twisting the sign on the door from open, to closed.

“I… I don’t know shit about making plates.” You offered up quietly, fingers picking at your nails as you tried to get out of this. You did feel… almost guilty, about her plates, but at the same time, it was all you could do.

“Well, no better time to learn. Got some books around here, that’ll help, I’m sure. You can figure this out.” Maria said, your name falling softly from her lips, and you missed the other thing she was doing, which would be giving you something to do, giving you a purpose.

You huffed, feeling something nervous brewing in your stomach, but nodded at Maria before she left. You looked around the shop, eyebrows creasing as you realised you had a lot of work to do.

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Tommy’s face was a sight, the first time he walked into the old ceramics shop.

When Maria had come to him, nearing tears in her excitement, telling him that you had finally done the ceramics shop some good, he hadn’t known exactly what to expect. He was well aware how much time you spent in that old place, and he had scolded you over it numerous times, saying the dust would do you no favours… or whatever.

The two of them knew that really, the ceramics shop had done you some good, but Tommy didn’t quite realise how much effort you had really put into it. Sure, it had been more than a few weeks now, but you were on your own in fixing it up.

So when you opened the door, something so close to a smile on your face, he was surprised. Shocked, even.

The surfaces were clean, for a start, which was nothing short of a miracle in his eyes. The furniture had been put back into place, not counting the pile of rotted wood that was outside, unsalvageable. Old ceramic work had been cleaned and put on display, alongside two names — the artists who made them, Tommy realised quickly.

And then there were the plates sat on the counter. New, slightly misshapen, and there was a box next to them, already filled with old newspaper.

“To replace the ones I broke.” You told him, when he looked at you, eyebrows furrowed. Tommy couldn’t help the smile that grew on him, something proud in his chest.

He hadn’t known you for nearly as long as Joel had, but god, he could recognise it in you immediately. The resemblance to his niece, just barely peeking out when you didn’t bury that part of you. He could see why Joel had gotten so… attached. Even if you didn’t resemble Sarah within your mannerisms in a way that was uncanny, you were a good kid.

Despite all the plate-throwing, name-calling, yelling and tears he’d seen from you, he knew you were good. He couldn’t blame you for your reactions, not with the way you had been left behind. And Tommy — he could understand why Joel did it, far more than you could, at least, but he recognised the pain in you.

Even if Joel did it as a result of his need to protect you, it didn’t come across like that in your eyes. From your view, he had taken the girl he knew for a couple months, and dumped you with his younger brother. He didn’t want you, didn’t care about you. It hurt. It hurt and it burnt your chest when you thought of it, and the only thing that made you feel a different kind of fire was creating your own destruction.

But this, this was different.

Tommy could see it in your face. This was such a drastic change from the girl who did everything she could to destroy what she got her hands on. This was a girl who finally got to create.

And sure, in a box in the corner of the room, there were the shattered remains of your failed attempts, but it hadn’t felt quite the same.

You thought of it this way; by throwing his and Maria’s dinnerware, you were destroying something that belonged to someone else. It was familiar to you. Trying to create the pain that caved your chest in, within another person. And yes, it was wrong, on so many levels, but you couldn’t help it. You just wanted somebody to understand.

When you had taken that first circular sculpture out of the kiln, and thrown it as hard as you could, it almost… hurt. These things were an extension of you. You had shaped these with your own hands, folded them into what you saw fit, so why should you destroy them? How could you? You made them this way.

So you had hidden the rest of the failed attempts, shoved into a cupboard in the back section of the shop, and had piled up your best attempts for Tommy and Maria to take home.

“You’ve been busy,” Tommy said, his eyebrows raised as he walked his way around the old shop, noticing you had even cleaned the two-decades worth of grime from the windows. “These are good, you been working on anythin’ else?”

“Tried a mug,” You offered, shrugging, “Didn’t really go so well. Neither did the bowl.”

“Work in progress,” Tommy replied, knocking your shoulder with his elbow. “Thanks, kid. You didn’t have to.”

“Actually, Maria’s instructions.” You said, but amusement was taking over your voice as you said the words. It was true — she had told you to replace what you had broken. But you hadn’t expected to enjoy it so much.

Tommy laughed, picking up the pile and placing it in the box you’d prepared, three layers of duct tape going either way across the bottom of it. “Well, it’s appreciated, anyway. You ‘round for dinner tonight?”

You shrugged again, making your way behind the counter to shuffle through some things in the back room absentmindedly, rolling your eyes when Tommy followed. You didn’t mind him or Maria hanging around as much as you used to, but you kept them at a distance.

“Come ‘round.” Tommy said then, instead, no longer posing it as a question. They’d tried to get you to move in, take up the spare room that would eventually go to their unborn child, but you’d strongly disagreed.

“You cooking? Or Maria?” You asked him, eyebrow raised as you turned to look at him, leaning back against the counter.

“Maria,” Tommy answered, rolling his eyes at your snicker of amusement. “She tries not to let me within ten feet of the damn oven.”

You couldn’t blame her. On the days that Tommy had brought food over to that big empty house opposite their own, it had been… an experience. Luckily for the two of you, Maria had agreed to go out on less patrols as the weeks passed by, sharing some of Tommy’s nervousness for what could happen.

“Not surprised.” You commented, a small grin on your face. You looked around the room, picking at your fingernails before you spoke up. “Hey, I was thinkin’—”

“That’s dangerous.”

You ignored him, only responding with yet another eye roll, “Get a bed in here, some drawers… could be a good spot for me.”

“Somethin’ wrong with Rancher Street?” He asked, concerned as he stood up straighter, looking around the room, not quite sure why you’d want to leave the house that provided you with plenty of space, warmth, and running water.

“No— No, there’s nothing wrong with it. Just… pretty big space for just one person, y’know?” You said, and gestured towards the door at the other side of the room, “This place has got a bathroom, anyway, so. And I mean, I always eat at yours or at the hall.”

Tommy frowned, contemplating.

Though they would’ve preferred you to have stayed in their home, Tommy and Maria relented when you had insisted on staying in that house. In the end, they had figured, what’s the harm? After all, once Joel and Ellie returned — which Tommy was sure would come, eventually, — they’d be living in that house, too.

That was the point. The house on Rancher Street was reserved for the three of you. Tommy had hoped, secretly, that you staying there, meant you wanted to fix things up, once the others returned.

You looked to him, when he was quiet for a moment too long, and he cleared his throat. “‘Spose it wouldn’t hurt. Bit of a trek from here, to ours, though.”

“Tommy, when I was…” You trailed, looking away, “I used to walk miles in a day. This short walk won’t hurt me.”

“You got a point,” He acknowledged, tipping his head forward, and ignoring your unfinished sentence. “But man, Maria’s not gonna be happy.” He thought of his wife, waddling her way over when she was near-ready to burst, and shook his head with a grin. “For you, I guess she’ll get on with it.”

“Shut up,” You said, amusement clear in your tone. “Now get outta here. I got some more fixin’ up to do.”

Tommy put his hands up in surrender, before slipping the box of plates into his hands, yelling out a, “See you later!” As he left.

You shook your head, rolling your eyes with a begrudgingly fond expression as you took another look around. There was a table that wouldn’t do you any good, too big, so that’d have to go. You wiped your hands against your tattered trousers, and sighed.

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The lights in Jackson were warm, and filled the streets you walked through as the night slowly took over the day. It was nice, being able to see in front of you as the sky darkened. You tried not to get used to it, but knew you were settling.

It was hard not to — especially after Maria had officially declared that the shop was yours, for whatever you wanted to do with it.

You tried not to think of Boston, usually, but the last time you had had something that was truly yours, was there. It was hard to forget the things you had stashed away, hidden underneath floorboards that were concealed by the only half-decent mattress that Tess and Joel could find.

Thinking of that life was painful, especially when realising that it was unreachable. You hadn’t known it, when you’d left Boston QZ, but you would never get to return to that home that you’d built. To those things you had owned. To the family that had grown its roots in that crappy old apartment.

It was something strange, really. To think that all you had, perhaps all you ever would have, belonged to this town. You were reliant on its walls keeping you safe. At least that much was similar to life in Boston.

People were happier here, though.

You probably couldn’t include yourself in that statement, but for the most part, it was true. The streets remained lit through the dark nights, and you could go out for a walk at any time of the day, with no consequences. Which was a bit of luck, considering that Tommy and Maria always ate late on in the day.

Turning on to their street, you frowned, because the lights in the house opposite Tommy and Maria’s — the one you had yet to move out of — were turned on. And you always turned them off before you left.

You hurried into Tommy and Maria’s, shutting the door tightly behind you and kicking your shoes off in the doorway. “Guys?” You called out, hanging your coat beside the doorway and making your way toward where you heard their responding shouts in the kitchen. “What’s going on?” You asked, upon entering the room.

The glance they shared did not go unnoticed by you.

You raised your eyebrows as they looked to you, seeming almost… nervous. “Did you already tell her?” You asked Tommy, and saw the way Maria’s face immediately flashed with confusion.

“Tell me what?” She asked, turning to Tommy whilst being conscious to continue stirring whatever it was that she was cooking.

“I didn’t—”

“Then who’s in the house?” You interrupted, feeling like your stomach was sinking. You’d thought it would be strange for them to immediately place new people in the house, given that you hadn’t quite packed up the few things you had left there, and the shop wasn’t quite ready. But what other explanation was there?

“Okay, let’s just press pause for a second.” Maria said, shaking her head and looking to her husband. “What haven’t you told me?”

“Well,” He began, scratching the back of his neck, and gesturing towards you, “The shop’s lookin’ real good. And she was hoping she could, y’know, get a bed in there, and stay there.”

“So you haven’t moved new people into the house?” You asked her, feeling your stomach swoop down further as you spoke, and your mouth was going dry. “Then, does that mean—”

Tommy held a placating hand toward you, and it just told you all you needed to know.

“When?” You asked, feeling like your fingertips were burning and your chest was going to explode with how tightly it had constricted. They hesitated, so you repeated, more forcefully, “When?”

“No more than a couple hours ago.” Maria said, putting her spoon down on the counter and stepping forward, frowning when you turned away from her. “The guys on the gate spotted ‘em. Pretty banged up, but they’ll be okay. Sent them in to get some rest.”

“And you didn’t come and tell me?” You demanded, though your voice was weak and you had to hold your hand against your chest to try and steady your breathing.

“Kid, we—”

“Don’t call me that!” You snapped, immediately. Tommy sighed through his nose, nodding his head in something close to defeat. “I don’t want to see either of them. I’m not going in there.”

“You don’t have to do anything right now,” Maria said, frowning at your expression. “You can stay here, tonight, and we can sort the shop out for you tomorrow, but…”

Tommy placed a hand against Maria’s shoulder as she trailed off, “We were thinkin’, maybe you guys could talk it out. It’s been a couple months, now.”

“What’s there to talk about?” You questioned, voice sharp and paining your throat as you spoke. “They left me behind. Think that says everything, doesn’t it?”

It was all over their faces, the fact that they wanted to say more, wanted to say something in some kind of defence of the other Miller man, but they knew you. The married couple were more than aware that anything they said would mean nothing to you. You were like Joel, in that way, Tommy had said before. Stubborn.

They nodded, almost in sync, and Maria turned back to the stove, to continue cooking as she had been before.

“Would you get my stuff for me? When you get the chance?” You asked Tommy, who nodded his head, a frown prominent on his face.

“I’ll go first thing.” He replied, secretly hoping that come morning, you’d magically want to make amends with his brother. He knew it wasn’t likely.

“Thank you.” You said, feeling like heat was crawling up your neck the longer you stood there. The fire in your stomach was fading away, just leaving you feeling uncomfortably warm as you stood in the room. “I’m gonna go get some fresh air.” You nodded to the back door, and headed out once they acknowledged your words.

You stepped out, feeling the muggy air cool your lungs. It was colder than you’d expected, especially considering the way heat seemed to cling to everything in these parts, and you had to grind your teeth to stop the shiver that went down your spine.

It was only when Maria called to tell you dinner was ready that you stepped back inside, rubbing your hands against your arms to try and rid your skin of goosebumps.

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Tommy had moved you into the shop the very next day, constructing a makeshift bed frame from whatever wood the town could spare, and bringing a mattress from an out-of-use house. You could tell he had wanted to say something, but he held himself back.

Now, it had been almost two weeks since they had returned to Jackson. And you’d been doing a fantastic job of avoiding any sight of them.

It hadn’t been difficult, in the beginning, with them taking time to rest and recover from their journey — or so Maria had told you. But it got harder as the days went on. They were beginning to explore the town, to join in on jobs, to eat where you would usually eat. It was getting annoying.

For the past few months, you’d found it so hard to live without them, but now, you realised it was much harder to live with them around. Hell, you’d even had to avoid Tommy and Maria’s on occasion, because you’d catch yourself starving before being in a room with the two of them, willingly.

Tommy had mentioned that they’d asked about you, that they’d been wondering where you were, but you didn’t need to say much for him to realise that you didn’t want them privy to any information about you. After all, they’d lost that right when they’d abandoned you here, in a town full of strangers, with no concern of what it might do to you.

You were getting angry, the longer it went on, the suspense of when you’d finally catch glimpse of them was eating you up inside. It was like life before Jackson, that feeling of being constantly on edge, of checking behind your shoulder consistently as time passed by.

It was safe to say that you weren’t happy.

You’d tried to keep yourself busy in the shop, in the little safe space in Jackson that was tucked away, belonging only to you, but things seemed tense outside of Jackson, and with Tommy taking on more patrols, Maria had been left alone an awful lot.

Tommy had asked you not to tell her, and you had absolutely no plans to, but he had asked you to hang around with her a bit more.

Partly for her own good, and mostly for his peace of mind. A little part, which he refused to tell you, was that it was also for your own good. Taking your mind off of Joel and Ellie was the best he could do for you, and this was the only way he knew how.

So, you had spent more time than you could’ve imagined at their house. Ending up falling asleep on their couch more times than you could count, with Maria insisting on waiting for Tommy to get home from his late-night patrols. He often came home to the two of you soundly asleep against the couch cushions, and you often woke up in a different position to what you fell asleep in, a blanket covering you and keeping away the slight chill.

It was one of those mornings, and you were in desperate need for a shower and some fresh clothes. You wrote a note for the two of them, knowing it was far too early for them to be up, given the way the sun was only just rising, to let them know you were going back to the shop.

Your feet were dragging with every step you took, and shuffling your jacket around your shoulders took more effort than you had expected. It was definitely going to be a long day, especially since you had promised Maria that you’d help her cook dinner later, considering she was still very against letting Tommy near the stove.

The morning air woke you up the slightest bit, but the chill of the breeze had you rubbing your hands together, regretting not bringing gloves, though you knew that later on it’d be far too warm for them.

You heard your name, and froze where you stood, hands clutched together, one foot in front of the other.

It was like your heart stopped the second you heard it, like it was being squeezed so tightly it couldn’t beat. The sensation made your chest ache, and you grit your teeth to move past the pain that had become all too familiar.

You heard him stop, his footsteps pausing as he hesitated behind you. You stood still for a moment more, before stepping away as he made a move to continue. He said your name again, trying to call you to a stop once more, but you hurried your pace, checking behind you after you had turned the corner, lucky enough to find nothing there.

A sigh escaped you, relaxing your tense shoulders just a fraction as you made a quick journey back to the shop.

You tried not to notice the anxiety balled in your chest when you finally made it. The way it was twisting up, pulling tighter on your lungs and leaving you feeling breathless as you thought too long on the slightest of interactions.

Despite not seeing his face, hearing Joel’s voice made their presence all too real, and you felt… overwhelmed. Nervous. Scared, maybe.

It was too much.

Why did they have to come back? Especially when you knew they hadn’t come back for you, but for the comforts of Jackson.

This was the only place that resembled the world before, the only place where you could feel something close to safe, and you could be comfortable. This town was a place for family, and it was clear that you didn’t have that, anymore.

Joel and Ellie had returned, but they weren’t your family. They had left you behind, to find your own way, whilst they went on an adventure of their own, creating a network of roots to settle in something close to a family of their own. You wondered if Ellie reminded Joel of his daughter, but tried to put the thought to rest as quickly as it arose.

You stepped into the shower, and tried to let the water wash away all thoughts of Joel and Ellie and family.

Later, when you stood at Maria’s side, stirring a pot on the stove as she took a moment to rest, complaining of the way her child was making her back ache. She told you about how it made her feel incredibly old, but you could see the fact that she appreciated it, as something of a reminder of the fact she was still here.

You had hummed along with her tangent, paying attention to her words but not feeling up to speaking all too much. Of course, Maria had noticed. She certainly prided herself on her observation skills.

“What’s up?” She asked softly, a strange contrast the the harsh voice she had just been speaking with as she had criticised her body for the pain it felt. Her hand was placed against the bump that has grown significantly, and you knew she was feeling maternal once again.

“It’s nothing.” You told her, because it was, wasn’t it? Joel and Ellie didn’t care about you, so why would you care about them?

“Mhm,” She hummed, raising her brows at you, “Sure it is. Got nothing to do with the two living across the street?”

You shook your head, continuing to stir the food, and tried your best to let out the sigh in your chest as a normal breath. It didn’t work, and Maria rolled her eyes at your denial of something that was so obvious. You didn’t say anything else on the matter, and couldn’t help but feel relieved when she finally let it rest. The two of you finished cooking, with you doing most of the work, and her giving all of the instructions.

But hey, you were much better than Tommy was, despite your inexperience.

It was when the door was knocked whilst you and Maria sat in their living room that you felt that tightening of your chest once again. She glanced to you, taking in the way your limbs had immediately tensed, all of your muscles straining like you weren’t sure whether to bolt, or stay completely still.

She raised a hand, telling you to wait where you were, and made her way to the front door after much groaning in her attempts to get up from the sofa cushions. You refrained from telling her that you were surprised she could manage it on her own, considering the size of her baby bump.

“Hey, Maria.” A familiar voice spoke, and your hands clenched into fists against your thighs, “Tommy in?” Joel asked, remaining outside the house.

“No, uh— he’s on a late patrol, today.” Maria responded, her voice much lighter when she spoke to Joel than it had been when the three of you had first arrived to Jackson.

“Ah,” Joel sighed, and you could hear him taking a step back on the porch, disappointment lacing his tone. It was too familiar. “Mind if I pop by, later on?” He asked, far more hopeful than you had ever heard him.

“Uh…” Maria trailed, and you knew she was looking back in the hallway, unsure if you’d be staying overnight. The wooden floorboards of the porch creaked as Joel stepped forward again, and you heard Maria shushing him as you clenched your teeth together. “Not now, Joel. It’s not a good time. I’ll tell Tommy to stop by yours.”

He sighed, and it was like you were back in Boston, with how heavy he sounded.

It was the same way he would sigh when you got too excited over something, like he was disappointed. Back then, you had thought it had been because he couldn’t guarantee anything for you. Now, you had no idea. You had always believed you had known him and Tess almost too well, but over the past few months, you realised just how wrong you were. Back in Boston, if someone had told them what would happen when you arrived in Jackson, you would’ve laughed in their face. Would’ve been so certain that Joel would never leave your side. You had no idea how wrong you were.

You swallowed, your throat feeling tight, and your tongue feeling like it was too big for your mouth as you heard the door shut, and Maria rounded the corner with a tight smile on her face.

With your heart pounding, you looked at her where she stood, and stopped her just before she could sit down, blurting: “Can you cut my hair?”

Her surprise was evident, but Maria nodded her head, and you tried to breathe through the pain in your lungs as you followed her to the kitchen.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

It was week four, and Joel was getting antsy.

Every time he sat down, he found his fingers tapping an unknown rhythm against his trousers, his legs bouncing up and down as he nervously scanned the room, as though you’d appear from around the corner at any second. Of course, it never happened.

Each time he arrived back to the house on Rancher Street, Ellie’s head perked up, the most hopeful he’d seen her since before winter, and he had to shake his head. Had to watch her expression fall.

When he had seen you leaving Tommy and Maria’s, far too early in the morning for anyone to be awake, something had risen in his chest. He knew it was stupid, that he was a fool for thinking you might speak to him after what he did, but he had hoped so badly that you might just understand.

It was the closest he had been to you in weeks, and he hadn’t even managed to see your face up close, had only just about seen a glimpse of it when you had dragged yourself from Tommy’s porch. The moment he had gotten close enough to reach for you, you had bolted, leaving his hand halfway raised into the air as he stared after you, wondering if he should follow you, or let you go.

When he’d arrived at Tommy and Maria’s one evening, hoping to talk to Tommy about his anxieties, he’d found something else. They were shielding you.

And yes, he had asked them to protect you, had trusted them with something he had never even fully trusted himself with, but god. Joel had never expected that they would protect you from him.

But now, here he was, standing in front of an old shop that had likely seen better days, two decades ago. Ellie was by his side, her hand gripping the sleeve of his coat tightly, before she released it to knock loudly against the shop door.

He had half-expected for you to not answer.

Seeing your face, properly, for the first time in months was not the moment Joel had hoped for it to be. Not when your expression had immediately fallen from something of confusion to anger, to something defensive.

“Hi.” Joel breathed, feeling like he should really kick himself for the pathetic attempt at a greeting. Ellie was close to trembling at his side, trying to stay indifferent, but even from the corner of his eye he could see that hope rising in her expression.

“What do you want?” You snapped at them, wanting nothing more than to close the door in their faces, to slam it shut and lock it, to never open it again. But you refrained, something in your chest balling tighter, but you couldn’t help the desire that arose for something. An explanation, maybe. A good enough reason for you to forgive them, perhaps.

Joel jumped in before Ellie could, saying, “Plates!” He saw Ellie’s head whip towards him, a dumbfounded expression painted across her face. He watched you blink in surprise, and saw your expression go towards indifference as you huffed, and moved away from the door, allowing him to push it open a bit more, pulling Ellie in with him. She closed it behind her.

The silence lingers as you busy yourself with fortifying a box, feeling bitterness creeping up your throat. You thought about why they needed plates, and could not grind your teeth together, somewhat hoping that the scratches and dents in the kitchen counters couldn’t be fixed.

“Listen,” Your head snapped up to him, knowing what came next, and saw the way he backed down, the word kid dying on his lips. He cleared his throat as you went back to taping the cardboard box. “We were hopin’… that, uh, we could all have a talk. Clear things up.”

“I don’t know, Joel,” You began, the bitterness falling off of your tongue with every word, “You guys leaving seemed clear enough to me.”

He hated how much older you sounded.

“We left because we had to, not because we wanted to.” Joel defended, immediately, feeling the hope that had been flickering in his chest for the past four weeks sputter out.

“I remember trying to come with you,” You said offhandedly, keeping your eyes on the cardboard box as you put the final third piece of duct tape across the bottom. “You said: ‘me and Ellie. Not you.’ Remember?”

Ellie’s expression fell further, somehow, and Joel gaped for a moment, flashing back to the way your own face had fallen at his words.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” He said your name, almost like a plead, and frowned when you just turned to go towards the back side of the room, beside a closed door. You ignored it, collecting some of the better looking plates that had been stacked up there. “I didn’t want you to get hurt. I know you never asked for any of this.”

“You’re right, I didn’t. I wanted to stay with you. That’s what I wanted. No matter what might’ve happened, I just wanted to be with you two. You took that from me.” You said, voice harsher than Joel had ever heard it, even from when he and Tess had first taken you in. Remembering that version of you was painful, because he saw no resemblance within the you that stood before him.

Ellie spoke up then, her eyebrows furrowed inwards as she became something far too close to angry as she said your name, “You have no idea what we’ve been through—”

“You’re right.” You cut her off, placing the stack of plates in the cardboard box with a loud thud, “I don’t. And who’s fault is that?”

You looked between the two of them, as if you were expecting the answer, but Joel couldn’t bring himself to say it. You were so grown up, and he couldn’t understand it. It had only been a few months.

At their silence, you scoffed, and shoved the box towards them, watching as Joel instinctively shot his hand out to prevent it from falling off of the edge of the counter. He took the box, feeling like it was far too heavy for what it was, but perhaps that was just the conversation.

“I want you guys to go now.” You said, firm, despite the way your voice tried to shake. You wouldn’t let your voice tremor, not in front of them. Not when they didn’t deserve your devastation.

Joel’s face fell, a common theme in each of your recent interactions, and couldn’t help the way he felt sick to his stomach. All those months ago, you had been asking to leave with them, and now here you were, looking at him with eyes that he didn’t recognise, telling him to leave.

“Come on, Ellie.” He said reluctantly, turning away from where you stood, chin held high.

“No!” Ellie replied loudly, her lip trembling as she looked between you and Joel, like she was expecting something to magically repair the rift between you. Unfortunately, this world was real, and it was ugly, and you weren’t sure that fixing things was even possible. “We— We can’t just give up.” She said, pleadingly, looking to Joel to fix things, like she was so used to him doing.

But Joel knew that this was something he couldn’t fix so easily. “We’re not giving up.” He responded then, training his gaze on you, where your eyebrows had furrowed and you had turned your face away from them.

“You should.” You told him, your own trembling lip matching Ellie’s, before you turned away fully, making the short few steps and entering the back room, shutting the door tightly behind you.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

“You asshole!” You yelled, the moment you saw Tommy stood in the kitchen doorway of his home, with him having turned to face you at the sound of his front door slamming open. He looked confused, but you didn’t fall for that expression, even as he said your name in an even more confused tone.

You stormed over to him, pushing your hands against his chest and feeling him take a bracing step back, not stopping you. He held his hands up by his side, surrendering once again, and you couldn’t stop your eyes from stinging with tears.

“How could you fucking do that to me?” You asked almost desperately, pushing your palm against his shoulder again, and then you felt Maria step around him, place a hand toward you that you flinched back from.

“Do what?” Tommy questioned, dumbfounded, and holding a hand up toward Maria, who backed off at your blatant dismissal of comfort.

“Tell them about my shop!”

Tommy’s face became one of realisation, and Maria whacked a hand against his chest. He immediately looked guilty a moment after the realisation, and held his hands out towards you.

“I let it slip, I know, but I didn’t realise he’d noticed. I swear, I wouldn’t tell him that purposely. He came ‘round?” Tommy spoke, frowning when you took a step away from his hands as they reached for you. He couldn’t help but feel like Joel had unravelled all the trust he had built with you, and his frustration grew at the second realisation of the evening. You could only nod in response, your expression a mixture of anger and devastation. “I’m sorry, kiddo, I didn’t mean for that. Joel wants to fix things up, yeah, but—”

“Fix things? Tommy, how could he fix things?” You asked, your volume raising immediately as you cut him off. “Joel— He knew everything about me, and he chose to leave. He left me willingly! That isn’t… every time I see myself, I see those parts that he rejected. How do you fix that? Tell me how you fix that, and I’ll fucking do it, Tommy, but I can’t figure it out. How can you fix that? How can you forgive that?”

You were yelling, you knew you were, but you couldn’t stop yourself. Everything you had built in Jackson was shattering like those stupid plates in that stupid kitchen. Tears were falling down your face, and Tommy blurred away as your eyes continued to fill with them. It felt never ending, this whole situation did. How did you fix this? Could you?

“I don’t know.” Tommy admitted, feeling like his heart could tear from his chest as he looked at you, your breaths shaking as you tried to get through sobs, your face covered in tears, chest heaving. “But we’re going to figure this out. We’ve got you.”

He moved towards you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders when he realised you’d let him. He felt your arms tremble as they wrapped around him, and he stared past your head as he took notice of Joel frowning in the still-open doorway. They shared a look, and Tommy gave Joel an all too familiar expression, one that he used to give when Sarah would be upset. Too upset for anybody else but Joel to be present.

It felt strange, to Joel, not only to be on the receiving end of the look, but because it was concerning you. But what was he meant to do? How could he fix it?

Joel frowned, nodding at his younger brother, and closed their front door as he turned away, breathing out a sigh that felt far too heavy. He needed to figure this out.

“Come on,” Tommy said, after a few moments, when he was certain you hadn’t noticed Joel closing the door. He led you over to the sofa where Maria was waiting, and when you collapsed next to her, they held you between them until you fell asleep, face still wet from tears. “It’ll be okay.” He spoke, quietly, despite knowing you were asleep. He was half saying it to himself and Maria, too. They needed the reassurance just as much as you did.

Tommy decided then, that when you woke up in the morning, he would do his best to help you figure everything out. And as he shared a look with Maria, he knew that she’d be there, helping right at his side.

PART THREE

[prentissluvr]

too cold — joel (and tommy) miller

gn!reader , (future)fatherfigure!joel (and tommy tbh) , takes place a year or two after joel and ellie settle in jackson , reader is in their mid/late teens , hurt/comfort, angst , cw : brief mentions of loss of friends and family, hypothermia , wc : 3.8K , special thanks to @piggyjeans for reading this for me and motivating me to wrap up this part and get it out to you guys !! <333

at this point, you’re beginning to wonder why you even try. you wonder if there’s a point when the scraps of any family you had left, found or biological, are long gone and you’re on the brink of freezing to death yourself. you managed a fire last night, but you’re shivering beyond control even in the daylight with your sore lack of a real coat. wherever you are, it’s cold as hell and winter is setting in far faster than you could ever combat. essentially, you’re screwed. it seems like it might snow more, there’s not a building in sight, and you’re running out of bullets and food. the cold bites at your exposed nose and takes permanent root in your bones.

night falls far too quickly, bringing the thick snow that you feared almost as much as infected or people; those you could fight, but the snow? against that you have no defense but a sputtering fire, measly shelter, and a slowly thinning sleeping bag. curled into yourself as much as you can, it takes a concerningly small amount of time for you to fall asleep.

by the time you finally come back into consciousness, the struggle to open your eyes scares you even in the muddled state of your mind. the sun is far higher than ideal; already you’ve lost precious traveling time now that your only hope is to find abandoned buildings to scavenge for supplies. and yet, the last thing you want to do is get out of your sleeping bag. it’s kept you as warm as you could be, and even now in the leftover warmth sleep, you’re all too aware of the snow that blew into the small overhand of rocks you slept underneath and the way it’s freezing temperatures will soak into your feet until it reaches every nerve of your body when you continue your trek through the forest.

but, despite that heavy question of what’s the point, there’s no way you’re going to let yourself give up and waste away in the cold without trying to save someone, even if that someone is yourself. so with every struggle, you pull your hands out from their haven in the swaths of fabric, fumbling slightly to zip open the bag and pull yourself out. you’re eternally grateful that you have gloves, but within the few minutes of packing up, the cold has already started to settle in your hands, feet, and face. begrudgingly, you swing your pack onto your shoulder and shove your hands into your pockets, looking for the most direct path to higher ground to scope out any buildings.

as you start out, it seems as though travel may not be the worst. but the thick snow from last night’s flurries and the still slowly falling flakes are quick to tire your legs from the effort, and the way that your jacket lets in too much of the numbing wind hinders your pace. you find yourself exhausted, taking moments to rest against trees that stretch into minutes, maybe longer as your mind becomes foggy and consistent shivering sets in throughout your whole body. 

you stumble a bit and clumsily grab hold of the nearest tree. what the hell am i doing? you wonder. you let your whole side press against the rough surface of the tree, squeezing your eyes shut, then opening them in attempts to clear your head. but that doesn’t seem to help when you start to wonder if you’re hallucinating. just meters away your eyes land on a tall brown horse, an animal you don’t think you’ve seen outside of pictures. you stare at it in wonder for a moment, but a feeling of panic sets in when you process the fact that there’s a man sitting on the horse, a large rifle strapped across his back.

with your shaky hands you fumble around to pull out your gun, but it does you no good when the rifle is pointed at you in seconds. 

despite the threat, the man’s voice isn’t harsh when he calls out to you. “’s alright. ’m not here to hurt you, alright? just drop your weapon.” without much resistance, you do as he says, seeing no other choice and feeling not an ounce of energy to fight back. within moments, he’s off the horse, one hand on its reins and the other put up in the air in a careful truce as he slowly moves closer to you. when he’s near enough that the snow doesn’t obstruct his view of your face, he can see the way that you’re shivering and the unfocused look in your eyes and can immediately notice that something’s not quite right.

“i need you to tell me if you’re infected. don’t lie now, alright? i’ll shoot you if i find out you do.” at this, his voice is more stern, stirring up a bit more fear in you. but you’re able to shake your head clearly.

“no. no, ’m not infected. haven’t run into any for days,” you speak aloud for the first time since you woke up this morning, and you don’t notice the way that your speech is slurred, but he does.

“alright, then. kid, i’m gonna get you somewhere warm, okay?” in the back of your head, you’re terrified to let him closer, to let some stranger lead you somewhere, but the promise of warmth is something you desperately need. even so, you flinch away when he’s finally right next to you and reaches out. “i promise ’m not gonna hurt ya. i’ve got somewhere safe and warm for you, you’re gonna freeze to death if you don't get some help now.” he’s completely right, you realize, so you just nod. “there ya go. do’y have a coat we can get on you?” he frowns when you shake your head, but doesn’t hesitate to unzip his own padded coat. gently, he pulls your pack off your back and sets it down. you don’t even realize what he’s doing until he shrugs his own coat over your shoulders and pulls it tight over your front. the leftover warmth from his own body is heavenly, but in the action, you lose your support against the tree and unconsciously lean into his firm frame. you don’t notice, but he stiffens at this, and his frown grows deeper when he feels how cold you are to the touch.

with strong hands, he pulls you away from him slightly. wordlessly, he guides your shivering arms into the sleeves of his coat, silently grateful for the warm jacket he still has on.

“we’ve gotta get on the horse, now.” 

you just nod, letting him guide you to the tall animal. but you stop short at its side, completely unsure of how you’ll get up.

“first you put your right foot in the stirrup, right here.” you don’t have to say anything for him to begin telling you what you need to. “put your hand on the saddle here to help you up. i’m gonna hold you steady, okay?” you nod, letting him place his firm hands on your waist as you put the last of your strength into lifting one foot into the stirrup. “now you’ve gotta push up with that foot to swing your other leg over the horse.” it takes all of your concentration to understand what he says, and strength that you don’t have to actually do it. it’s messy, but thanks to his help and some miracle, you find yourself on top of the horse and putting all of your effort into staying upright.

“there ya go. i’m gonna get on in front of you, don’t you fall off now.” he quickly fastens your pack onto the horse, letting out a small grunt as he pulls himself up onto the animal. his body warmth right in front of you is precious and you don’t have it in you to feel awkward in the way he does as he pulls your arms around his torso to keep you steady. “just hold on and stay awake, alright? shouldn’t be too long til we get you warm.” once again, you just nod, knowing he can feel it with the side of your face pressed against his back.

as the horse starts forward at a decent pace, his instructions of holding on prove to be harder than ideal with your weakened grip. you don’t know how much time passes until the horse’s movement stops and the man’s voice, along with another, meets your ears.

you startle when the unfamiliar voice calls out. “joel! what took you so lon– what happened?”

“sorry, tommy.” you can feel the rumble of his voice while pressed against him, and turn your head to face the source of the other voice. “found ‘em leaning against a tree just a bit off the path. think they’ve got hypothermia.”

there’s another man on a horse, probably younger, but you can’t tell much else in the snow and the state of your mind. either way, you can’t help but read him as a danger. the man in front of you, joel, you assume, must have picked up on your fear behind him

“’s alright. that’s my brother, tommy. he’s here to help too, okay?” 

another nod from you, and a “damn” from tommy.

“let’s get going, then. we’ll stay in the lookout for tonight then get them back to jackson first thing in the morning. it’ll be dark soon.”

joel agrees, and with that, you set off. every so often, his voice brings you out of your daze long enough for you to nod your head against his back when he checks if you’re still awake. your sense of time is long gone; all you know when you arrive at the mentioned lookout is a vague sense of relief. 

“kid?” his voice rings out and you realize the motion of the horse has finally come to a stop. you do your best to sit up, hating the biting air that immediately hits your front now that it’s not kept warm by joel’s back. your hands stay resting absentmindedly on his shoulders in order to keep you from slipping off of the horse. “tommy’s gonna help you off, okay?” you let out a small hum of acknowledgement as tommy dismounts his horse and comes to stand beside you.

“here we go,” he gives you a small, encouraging smile as he lifts his arms up for you. “put your hands on my shoulders, and i’ll get you down safe ’n sound, alright?” it’s a bit of an awkward reach, and you begin to slip down before you have a proper grasp, but his hands are quick to secure themselves under your armpits, preventing you from falling and instead pulling you into his chest. your knees buckle the moment they hit the ground; tommy’s strong grip keeps you upright. “there you are, ’s alright. god, you’re shivering like a leaf in the wind. we’ll get you nice and warm now.” 

there’s a bit of a struggle getting inside, your legs practically refusing to hold your weight. an immense wave of relief washes through you when you collapse onto the couch they bring you to and you let your eyes shut in exhaustion.

“now don’t you fall asleep on us quite yet,” joel warns. “we gotta get you warm first. tommy, get some hot water going.” you force your eyes back open to see him crouching in front of you. “listen, uh. some of your clothes are a little wet from the snow, and we can’t have that.” he pauses at that, studying your face to catch any sort of reaction.

“okay,” you whisper, somehow coherent enough to still understand what he’s saying and know that he’s right.

“okay,” he repeats. “can i take these jackets off?” you nod. his grip is gentle when he pulls you up from your slouched position, allowing you to lean into him when he slips off the coat he gave you, then your own slightly damp jacket. you begin to shiver even harder, your thinning cotton shirt doing nothing to keep any cold at bay. “alright, alright,” he mumbles, half to himself as he pulls his thicker, dry coat back around you. then comes a blanket, taken from the couch and wrapped securely around your shoulders. he shifts you to rest against the back of the sofa.

that’s when he pauses, at a bit of a loss of what to do because your jeans, despite your thick boots, are soaked from the snow almost up to your knees. but there’s no way in hell he’d feel comfortable taking off your pants, much less how you’d feel. 

“i’m gonna have to cut your pants,” he concludes. “promise we’ll get you new ones in town, but you’ll never get warm like this.”

“’s okay,” you mumble. so he rummages in his pack until he finds a pair of scissors, doing his best to avoid touching your bare skin with his hands or cut you with the cold metal. it’s tricky business; the jeans stick fairly close to your skin, but he manages not to even nick you with the sharp edges. the moment you’re free from any damp clothing, he wraps another blanket securely around your legs so it won’t fall off. 

moments later, tommy reappears in your line of sight with exactly what joel asked for. he leans down, holding it out to you. with shaky hands, you grasp the cup, sighing in immediate relief at the warmth that spreads right into your fingers through your gloves.

“careful, now,” tommy advises. “it’s real hot, don’t burn your tongue.” you do your best to follow his instruction, weakly blowing at the hot water when you bring it close to your mouth. resisting the urge to down the whole thing, you grip it tighter and bring it to your chest, hoping to let some of the warmth permeate through other parts of your body other than your hands. it feels like a little piece of heaven when you feel the steam rising up to warm your chin, your lips, and the tip of your nose and the heat from the cup itself travel through your thin shirt and to the skin above your collarbone.

when you finally begin to sip on the warm water, it’s almost glorious; you can feel its warmth spread through your body. so once you discover it’s no longer too hot, you take long gulps and heave heavy sighs of relief. your trembling doesn’t disappear, but with the third cup, it certainly subsides.

this, and the far more relaxed expression on your face finally convinces joel that it’s safe to let you fall asleep—you’re halfway there anyways. tommy takes the empty cup from your hands before it can slip from your hold, and joel unravels your sleeping bag. at that point, you can no longer process the softly spoken words being exchanged by the brothers, but you’re vaguely aware of tommy’s arms tucking themselves under your shoulders and knees and pulling you off of the couch. then you’re being maneuvered into the sleeping bag that now lays across the surface of the couch, tommy setting you down while joel ensures that you stay properly wrapped up in the blankets. sleep claims you so quickly that you don’t hear the agreement between the two men to take turns keeping watch over you to periodically check your temperature and breathing.

joel wakes you in the morning, his gruff voice quickly recounting the events of the previous day when your jumbled state of mind after waking from such a deep sleep launches you into a panicked confusion. his explanation and comforting hands on your shoulders calm you in moments as the memories return, however vague they are due to the haze of your sickness.

“thank you,” you whisper as he helps you to sit up, his hands still gentle and supportive on your shoulders.

“course. like i said, we’ve got somewhere safe for you if you need. and at the very least, we’ve gotta get you some new pants and make sure you don’t get sick. were you travelin’ all alone?”

“not at first,” you explain, knowing he’s probably wondering about finding someone so young alone. “but now… yeah.” he sighs as if that’s the answer he expected.

“’m sorry,” he frowns. you just give a tight-lipped smile in response. “alright. we should get moving so we can get you to the town doctor. tommy’s gettin’ the horses ready.”

your eyebrows raise at his words. “town doctor?” you question. that puts a small smile on his lips that you don’t quite understand.

“yep. it’s a good place to be,” is all he offers in explanation.

“okay.” you begin untangling yourself from the blankets and sleeping bag that did the job of keeping you warm throughout the night. still covered by his coat, your upper half stays comfortable, but the feeling of your exposed calves hitting the cold air is unwelcome, not to mention the slightly embarrassing sight of the jagged edges of your jeans at such an awkward spot. 

“sorry ‘bout that,” he comments, “but we’ll keep your legs wrapped up with blankets for now and get you new jeans in town.” once you nod, he grabs a hold of one of the blankets he laid on top of you after you feel asleep, a rather small piece of fabric, but the right size to help you out. he wraps it around your left leg, using ropes from his supplies to gently secure the fabric, then repeating his actions for your other leg.

as he does so, he keeps his gaze focused on his task, but his gravelly voice meets your ears. “realized we never asked your name,” he phrases it like a statement, but the obvious question is there.

to be honest, you hadn’t even realized either, first, mind clouded by the hypothermia, and up until now too caught up in the oddness of your situation. one moment you’re all on your own and on the brink of death, the next you’re saved and seemingly on the way to what sounds like some sort of miraculous safe haven even from the vague glimpses of information you hear.

you state your name, hoping with all you can muster up that this isn’t some kind of cruel trick, and that the kindness the two men have shown you is as genuine as it’s proved to be thus far.

“well then,” he repeats your name back to you as he secures the last knot, still not looking up at you, “let’s get you home.”

those words nearly knock the air from your lungs. he throws them out like they don’t mean much, but in the most confusing way, because you’re sure he did it on purpose. you’re sure he does know that they mean a whole lot more than a casual tone and avoided eye-contact, but you suppose you can’t blame him. it’s often easier to pretend they don’t mean anything, certainly much more with people you don’t really know at all, people like you. and yet, you can’t help but think he said it to reassure you. to tell you that this place he’s talking about is one where you can find that thing everyone in this world has lost. as if it’s somewhere you already belong without having set foot in it yet. and you can’t tell the difference between hope and fear in that moment, so you shove it all away.

“sure.” you stand just after he does, grabbing your sleeping bag and beginning to roll it to the best of your ability while still weak. but he stops you, quickly taking over the task of clearing and packing up the last few things in the lookout after handing you a cup of warm water, not too hot. you finish it quickly, still more than grateful for any warmth that can be provided.

joel motions towards the door once he’s finished, and on still slightly wobbly legs, you walk up to him, stopping before he can lead you out.

“thank you, joel,” your voice is quiet, but sure when you say it.

“of course,” he assures, genuine in the affirmation.

“and tommy. tommy, too, of course,” you stutter, suddenly feeling awkward.

“sure thing.” he clears his throat, one his occupied hands almost moving up to rub the back of his neck. at that he turns, and you follow him out, back into the cold.

the shivery weather is not welcome by you, but in a properly warm coat and definitively out of the worst of your condition, it’s far more bearable. you feel bad for taking over joel’s coat, but he seems just fine in his jacket that’s clearly far warmer than your old, lousy excuse of a winter garment.

tommy and the horses are waiting there, just as joel said, and he smiles upon seeing you.

“good to see you up and alive, kid,” he grins with a gentle pat to your shoulder.

you answer his playfully reassuring attitude with a bashful smile of your own. “yeah, the alive part is definitely a plus,” you say in attempts of matching his tone. the way his grin grows tells you the joke landed, putting you at even more ease than before. unfortunately, it doesn’t make the way you formally introduce yourself to him any less awkward, but he seems glad to know your name. by your side, joel tightens one last strap on the horse before placing a careful hand on your shoulder.

“i think we’re good to go now. it’ll only be a few hours of riding,” he informs.

“sure,” you nod. pausing for a moment, you cast eyes down before speaking, albeit a bit timidly. “could you.. could you help me up again?”

you completely miss the soft look on his face at your request. “course i can, kiddo. i’ll get up first and help you from there, okay?” at your affirmative, he easily mounts the horse before holding a hand out to you. “just put your foot here, grab my hand, and i’ll do all the work, alright?” he moves his leg away from the stirrup so that you can use it yourself, his grip on your hand steady the moment you place it in his palm. gratefully, you follow his instructions, doing your best to use your own strength in tandem with joel to ease the effort he has to put forth to help you up. as you swing your leg over the horse, he guides your hand to hold onto his shoulder for you to grip far easier than his hand and succeeds in getting you into the saddle behind him. with that, you’re off, traveling somewhere that you somehow dare to hope is the sort of paradise joel and tommy have described.

,

part two here !!

[woahhhfidget]

i'll be here for you.

pairings: father figure!joel miller x platonic!teen!reader, sister figure!ellie williams x platonic!reader

wc: 485

summary: you, joel and ellie watching a movie after a very unsuccessful patrol.

warnings: arm injury, cursing, joel and reader cuddling (platonically, of course), i might've said the word 'smile' too much, not proofread.

a/n: i had a dream the other night about joel being my dad/father figure and i just needed something to fulfill my need to have him as my dad. i may or may not have added a jurassic park mention after getting word that it has been taken off of streaming… this is also a bit short and i was really hoping on making it longer but here we are.

lowercase intended.

“don’t underestimate a patrol.” you had learned that the hard way. a patrol with ellie had been cut short after some infected had attacked you. fortunately, ellie is very protective and you didn’t get bit. on the other hand, you still got a bad gash on your arm that still hurt a lot even after being wrapped up in bandages.

about 2-3 hours after coming home after getting your arm mended, joel came into your room. “hey kiddo, how’re you doing?” he asked softly. “a bit better, still hurts like a bitch though.” joel laughed lightly, “that’s to be expected.” 

“i’m sorry for making you worry so much, i should’ve been more careful-” he put his hand on your shoulder and squeezed it lightly while looking down at you on your bed, “hey, i’m not mad at you, kid. yeah you could’ve been a bit more careful but it’s not your fault, just wrong place, wrong time.”

“yeah, thank you.” you said, looking down a bit. “no need to thank me for not being mad at you. i’ll be here whenever you need me. on second thought, ellie had found jurassic park out on patrol earlier,” he said the last part a bit quiter not wanting you to think back on the unsuccessful patrol. he continued, “and we haven’t been spending a lot of time together recently and i was just wondering if you wanted to watch it with us for a bit.”

“yeah sure, i’ll come out soon.” he gave a comforting smile and said “if you need anything, i’ll be here for you.” 

“i know,” you replied, smiling back at him as he walked out of the room.

around 30 minutes later, you walked out into the living room. ellie immediately looks up at you and asks, “how are you doing?” you smile softly at her consideration and respond, “i’m doing better.”

“good,” she says, faintly smiling back as you walk over to joel and sit closely next to him, leaning into him, putting your head on his shoulder as he wraps his arm around you, rubbing your arm. about halfway through the movie, joel ends up laying down so you could lay in between his legs and rest your head on his chest after some situating so your arm wasn’t in an uncomfortable position. 

after only 30 more minutes you end up falling asleep on him. a couple minutes after you fell asleep on him, joel looked down to check on you. he smiled gently once he realized you were asleep. “they fell asleep so i’m gonna go bring them to bed real quick, i’ll be back,” he whispered just loud enough so ellie could hear him over the movie. she smiled and nodded in response. he got up and picked you up very carefully and walked over to your room to slowly put you in bed, kissing your forehead and saying goodnight.

[itevilhag]

those who cling to death live...

joel miller x platonic!reader | joel miller x daughter!reader | joel miller x reader summary: a humorous but sincere talk about death.  warnings: mild angst, hurt/comfort, father-daughter dynamic, mentions of death, FLUFFFFFFF.  word count: 989 a/n: hiiiiiiiiiii, me again! so, this is the thing that I’ve been writing! this was supposed to be a one-shot but i’ve decide to split it into two parts, because i was feeling guilty about not posting anything yet, and i didn’t really want to keep anyone waiting, soooo here it is! hope you enjoy it! . . . "Are you afraid of-" you started to ask, breaking the comfortable silence that settled between you, Joel, who sat right next to you with his rifle in hand, and Ellie, who was curled up by the fire, out cold from the exhaustion of the long trek the three of you took today. "Of you? Yes." Joel interrupts you with a slight grumble in his voice. However, you knew that It held no bite. "Very funny, Joel. I am dying of laughter." you dramatically remarked, sarcasm dripping off your tongue heavily. He only chuckled lightly and shook his head, but gave no further words and continued on with his watch. And given that he hasn’t spoken much to either you or Ellie in the past few days after a group of raiders ambushed you, seeing him crack even the tiniest of smiles or hear a barely there chuckle from your incessant pestering or Ellie’s stupid jokes, you considered it a win. After a beat of silence, with the sounds of crickets chirping and the occasional crackle of the dying fire beside you, you asked again. "Do you know what I'm afraid of?" 

Joel shot you a tired look and sighed before answering. "I don't know, what?" 

"Dying," you answered quietly as your eyes focused on the fire in front of you. In your peripheral, you saw Joel visibly go rigid beside you, and It reminded you of the way Joel's demeanor would change when he heard the crack of twigs in the distance or phantom voices flowing through the air while on a trek or keeping watch at night, the need to protect his young heightening before telling you and Ellie to stay close to him and be more alert. 

He slowly turned his head to look at you, and you took his silence as an encouragement to continue. "We live with death every day, but we know little about it." You thought softly, while Joel listened to you intently. 

"Like, what happens when you die? Is it like sleep? If it is, how do I know I'm dead? And what happens after that? Do I go somewhere, or is it just darkness, and it's like that forever?-" 

"Kid, you're not gonna die." Joel softly assured, and though you appreciate that he tried to soothe your worries, it did little to comfort you, you just had to let it out. 

"I know that! But-" you turned to face Joel, exasperation flowed out of you like a raging river until there was nothing left but a defeated sigh that made its way past your lips. Your shoulders sagged as you continued. "Eventually I will…"   

"And it terrifies you," Joel concluded.

"I know, It's silly," you chuckled humorlessly. "Because I see people die every day," 

The public FEDRA executions. 

The Infected. 

People caught within the crossfire at the QZ because of another Firefly attack. 

Your mother. Your sister.  

As you spoke, Joel noticed you absentmindedly touched your star shaped necklace, before your hand trailed down to your ring which had a spiraling red carnation wrapped around the band. 

"And I know that at some point it'll come for me too. I shouldn't be scared of it, but then I see the fear in their eyes-" 

"Please don't kill me. Please- NO!" 

The words of a dying man. The man that you had to shoot to save Joel and Ellie from a raider. It wasn't your first kill, but It was the first time you saw the fear of being on the other side of the gun. 

"'Can't even imagine what it feels like…to be out there helpless and alone. Just left with the fact that you're about to go and you can't do anything about it…" 

It broke Joel's heart to see nothing but fear cloud your eyes as they started to glaze over the fire once more. Someone as young as you shouldn't even have to think about death so much, despite it being the world you were born in. He felt guilty for having to subject both you and Ellie to the horrors of this world, for making you do something you shouldn't have had to do to save his life. 

"Hey…I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, okay?" His tone is firm, but his words are gentle. A promise that he's going to do whatever it takes to fulfill. 

"You promise?" you asked, your voice quiet.

Joel, without hesitation, said. "I promise." 

"Now get some sleep, kiddo. I'll take it from here." Joel told you while he stood up to adjust his grip on the rifle, probably about to scout the perimeter again. 

"But, I'm taking watch with you." You lightly defended, your brows furrowed in confusion. 

"I'm not hearing it. Go to sleep." And grumpy old Joel was back again. And even though you wanted to fight him on it, exhaustion was catching up to you, so you let him win. Just this once. 

"Fine," you muttered begrudgingly and dragged yourself to your sleeping bag that was placed closer to where the fire and Ellie were. You wiggled into your sleeping bag, trying to get comfortable when you called out to Joel without waking Ellie up. 

"But, next time I'm taking full watch." you started as you smoothed down your bag and placed your pistol right next to your head.

 As you settled into the night, a thought popped into your head, which made a small grin grow on your lips. "With your rifle."  

You hear Joel lightly retort in the distance. "You wish."

"Oh, I will. I will wish very hard." 

You heard Joel's barely there chuckle. 

"Yeah, you do that." 

You closed your eyes with a grin on your face as sleep started to guide you into its embrace. 

Joel glances at you and Ellie from where he stands. A familiar warmth settled into his chest as he saw you two sleep peacefully.  

"Goodnight, kiddo."

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 1

Went a bit sideways yesterday with my wandering mind and started a TLOU fanfic. Here's chapter 1 of "Lavender," an age-gap grumpy/sunshine friends-to-lovers (and eventually friends-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-friends-to-lovers) fanfic that starts pre-outbreak.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Length: 8.6k

Warnings: Not much yet! Whole fic will be very NSFW so minors DNI. This chapter is very basic. Mild violence, mention of masturbation.

Synopsis: You're a college student in Austin, Texas, who gets a summer job nannying Sarah Miller. It's not long before her dad sees you as more than a babysitter - or more than a friend.

Austin, Texas, April, 2000

You couldn’t believe you were doing this. You closed your eyes, tilting your head up toward the Texas night sky, air surprisingly cool for April in Austin, trying to keep the tears that were building in your eyes from actually falling. Like that would make a damn difference. You took a deep breath and looked down at your phone. 

You only had a few numbers saved. You hadn’t made many friends in college, the only girlfriend you had was in the frat house behind you, hanging out with her boyfriend. She was out. Your grandmother was across the country, so she was obviously out. The handsy guy who’d brought you to this damn party was a big hell no. Which pretty much left…. Joel Miller. Your boss. You winced, thumb hovering over the call button for a moment before pressing it. 

“Kid?” He answered quickly. That somehow made it worse. But at least he didn’t sound half asleep. “What’s going on, you OK?” 

“Hey Joel,” you sniffled a bit. “Sorry to bug ya, I know it’s real late…” 

“Kid,” his tone changed, almost warning you. “I told you you could call if you needed somethin’, what’s goin’ on?” 

His accent got stronger when he got keyed up. You’d noticed that over the year you’d known him. 

“Could you…” Shit, you were really going to have to do this. You sniffed again. “Could you come get me?” The words all started coming out of you in a rush then, you couldn’t really stop them. “I’m so sorry, I know it’s late and I think I can walk it if you can’t but I went to this party with this guy and he’s not really what I thought he was and I just can’t stay here with him anymore and…” 

“Kid,” he cut you off. “I’m coming to get you right now, are you close to campus?” 

“Yeah,” you sniffed again, looking back at the frat house and reading him the house number. 

“I know where that’s at,” he said. His voice was calm, soothing. “I’ll be there in less than 10, you safe?” 

“Yeah,” you nodded even though he couldn’t see. “Yeah, I’m fine, I just need to get out of here…” 

“Stay put,” he said. “I’m comin’ to get you.” 

“Thanks, Joel.” 

You flipped your phone shut and put it in your purse before smoothing the back of your sundress down and sitting on the curb, hoping the plethora of cars on the street blocked you from easy view. Your feet - in platform sandals that you’d been stupid enough to paint your toenails for earlier that day - were in a puddle, but it was hard to care. 

You were just finishing up your junior year of college and this was only the fourth guy you’d gone out with so of course he had to be a massive jerk. It was just your luck. 

You’d expected a bit better when you moved to the Lone Star State to go to school. It had been a change of pace from your small town in upstate New York where you’d lived with your grandmother all your life. You wanted something bigger, to actually get out of that little town and see some of the world before you settled into whatever life had in store for you. And the south was supposed to be nice. That’s what everyone said, southern hospitality and all that. But it hadn’t been very nice. 

You’d tried to make friends with your roommate freshman year and you kind of had. She wasn’t mean or anything, you just had very little in common. She was an athlete so the demands on her time were many. She was studying music when you’d rather jump off a bridge than try to perform anything for anyone. She had a lot of friends there already - she was from Houston, so plenty of her high school classmates were there, too. You’d probably spent a little too much time trying to fit in with her. By the time it was apparent that you were fine as roommates but not friends, everyone else seemed to have friends, too. 

Which wasn’t the end of the world. You’d only had two close friends back home, anyway. You’d never been very social, preferring to be on your own and quiet instead of with people. Too much time with anyone else exhausted you, unless it was the RIGHT person. 

But there was a difference between alone and lonely and you found yourself lonely here a lot. The dating scene was, somehow, worse. The first guy you’d gone out with since coming to school hadn’t even made it past date number one, he was so self absorbed it was like you had been taken to dinner just so he had someone to talk at. Number two ended up asking for your roommate’s number when he walked you back to your dorm that night. Number three had made it as far as date number three but got a little ticked that - when his hand traveled up your shirt to your bra - you’d asked him to stop. He left you at a gas station and you’d had to call a cab to get back to your apartment. 

The guy tonight had been looking a bit better. Or so you thought. He’d pressed you against the wall in the hall outside your front door and kissed you at the end of your last date, his hips against yours, his tongue dipping into your mouth. You’d liked it, for a moment, until he pinned your wrist to the wall and tried to put his hand down your pants. He’d stopped and apologized, though, when you asked him to stop. That, you’d thought, was a good sign. That he was respectful, kind. So when he’d asked you to go to a party with him tonight, you’d said yes. 

But when you actually got there, he kept trying to get you to drink whatever concoction had been mixed directly in coolers in the middle of the room, pressing red plastic cups into your hand at every opportunity and getting more and more frustrated when you insisted on sticking with bottled water instead. 

Eventually, his hand had gone up the back of your dress as you threw a ball in beer pong, his fingers brushing against your lower lips before sliding up and groping your ass. You whiffed the shot, practically jumping away from him. 

“What the fuck, Jeremy?” You asked, tugging your dress down on instinct. 

“C’mon baby,” he’d said, all but stalking after you. “You gotta give me something…” 

“No, I don’t,” you glanced around you. There wasn’t much help to be had here. “I’m going home.” 

“Don’t be like that,” he said, reaching for you. You stepped back again. Then there was a change in his face, like a switch flipped. He was no longer the nice boy who’d, for your first date, asked to take you to the art house movie theater in town. He was a hulking man, one who had six inches and at least 100 pounds on you, who felt he could take what he wanted by right. “I just want to make sure you have a good time, let’s get you a drink…” 

His hand closed around your wrist and he started pulling you toward him. 

“I don’t want a drink,” you curled the hand in his grip into a fist and covered it with you other hand, yanking it free. “I’m going home. Don’t call me again.” 

You stalked out of the party, trying to keep your cheeks from burning. 

The 10 minute wait for Joel seemed like an eternity. You kept glancing to your watch, feeling like ages had gone by when it had only been a minute or two. Only eight minutes had passed when you heard your name being called from behind you. You winced, hoping Jeremy wouldn’t find you where you’d tucked yourself away to wait. 

No such luck. 

“Hey!” He prowled over to you, his lips curled into a snarl. “Who the fuck do you think you are, embarrassing me like that?” 

You stood up, instinctively backing into the truck behind you before you realized that you probably should have fucking moved somewhere else before you were cornered. 

“I wasn’t trying to embarrass you…” 

He grabbed your wrist again, firmer this time, his fingers digging into your flesh, pulling you sharply against his body. 

“Well, you did,” his breath smelled like liquor and cigarettes and his body was hard. You squirmed, trying to get away from him. “You really fucking embarrassed me…” 

“Hey!”

A car door slammed and your head whipped around. Joel was storming across the sidewalk toward you, wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt - he hadn’t even stopped to put on shoes. 

“This isn’t your business,” Jeremy snapped before turning his attention back to you. “Stay out of it.” 

“The hell it ain’t,” one of Joel’s hands went over your shoulder, pulling you back from the other man’s grip and putting you behind him. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave her alone.” 

Joel looked to you, his brown eyes wide as they looked you over. 

“You OK?” He asked. You nodded. “This the guy?” You nodded again. His jaw clenched but he nodded toward his truck. “C’mon Kid, let’s go.” 

“Nah man, I don’t know you,” Jeremy came around you, grabbing your wrist again and yanking on you. “You’re not just gonna take off with my date…” 

Joel punched him, hard, across the face before catching you around the waist so you stayed up while Jeremy fell to the ground, groaning and clutching his face. Joel set you down gently before standing over Jeremy. “Touch her again and I’ll kill you,” his voice was oddly calm. You just stood there, holding your sore wrist to your chest. You hadn’t realized when you’d started almost hyperventilating but you were almost gasping for breaths. Joel turned back to you. “You’re OK, Kid. You’re OK.” 

He put his arm around you, pulling you into his side and steering you to his truck. He helped you up into it, watching as you buckled yourself in before getting into the driver’s seat. 

“That asshole know where you live?” He ground his teeth a bit, flexing his hand he’d punched Jeremy with on the steering wheel. 

“Yeah, he picked me up,” you were still holding your wrist. “Is your hand OK?” 

Joel glanced over to you before looking down to his hand. 

“Been in worse fights than that,” he said. “How’s your wrist? Need to take you to the hospital?” 

“Oh God, please don’t,” you groaned. “It’s just going to be a little bruised…” 

“Should report it to the cops,” he muttered. “That fucking asshole…” 

“And, what, get you arrested for laying him out?” You asked, brows raised. “It’s fine, Joel, really…” 

“Well I’m not taking you to your place,” he growled. “Not safe, not with that… You can stay with us for a bit. You said you’re moving soon, anyway, right?” 

“I really don’t want to put you out…” You began but he cut you off. 

“You half live there in the summer anyway,” he said. “I’d rather know you were safe. ‘Sides, Sarah’s at a friend’s house tonight. You can sleep in her room, don’t even have to put anyone on a couch. When do you get into your new place?” 

“Three weeks,” you sighed. “It’s really not that big a deal, this kind of thing happens all the time…” 

“Don’t make it right,” he glanced over at you again before putting his eyes back on the road. “You can stay with us for a few weeks, we’ll go get some of your stuff tomorrow.” 

You watched him for a moment. There was blood on his knuckles, the streetlights outside catching on the shaggy curl of his hair, his eyes narrowed on the road in front of him. 

It was lucky that you’d ended up working for Joel Miller. You’d know that before, too. He’d put an ad in the paper a year before, looking for a nanny for his then 9-year-old daughter, Sarah, and you’d been looking for a way to not take out more student loans. A simple enough arrangement. 

You’d met for the first time at a coffee shop near campus. You showed up a few minutes early - you always did, being late made you anxious - and Joel showed up a few minutes late. You’d recognized him by the look of general discomfort on his face, a look that made you smile a little. He was clearly out of his element, interviewing nannies, looking around a coffee house filled with college girls so that he wouldn’t even know which one to approach. You saved him the trouble. “Mr. Miller?” You asked, brows raised. You’d worn a sundress that day, too. But you’d put on the only blazer you owned with it, trying to look somewhat professional. Not that you really knew how. “Hi, I’m here for the interview?” 

“Hi,” he looked relieved. “Sorry I’m late, got held up on a job… Can I get you a coffee or… somethin’? I’m gettin’ somethin’…” 

“Sure,” you smiled. “Thanks.” 

You stood awkwardly beside each other in line, Joel insisting you order first which made you feel bad when you got an iced lavender latte and he just got a black coffee. 

“Sorry, I’m such a sucker for lavender,” you smiled, somewhat sheepishly, over your cup. “There’s a lavender farm down the street from where I grew up, could always smell it on the air at the right time of year…” 

You were babbling. You set the cup down. 

“Sorry,” you smiled again. 

“No, no, you’re good,” he smiled a little too. “I’ve never done this before, so…” 

“Me either,” you said quickly. “I nannied for the kids of some friends of my grandma’s but they already knew me, so didn’t need an interview.” 

“So, you’ve got experience watching kids?” He asked, turning his paper cup absently in his fingers. 

“Oh yeah,” you nodded. “I love kids, I started babysitting when I was 13 and have nannied in the summer since I was 17 but I’m staying here this summer because of my lease, so I need something local.” 

“You’re not from here then?” He asked. 

“No,” you shook your head. “I’m from New York? Not like.. the city. The state. The boring part.” He laughed a little at that. You smiled. “I came here to go to school. I’m studying to be a teacher.” 

“A teacher?” He asked. You nodded. “You must like kids. What do you want to teach?” 

“High school biology?” You asked more than answered. “Really, I’d love to be a pediatrician but the loans… But teaching high school would be great. There were some teachers I really connected with in high school, the ones who believed in me and trusted that I could become something. That’s what I want to be for someone else, you know?” 

He nodded and took a sip of coffee. You tried to not watch his throat as he did. Mr. Miller was almost weirdly attractive - way hotter than any dads you’d worked for in the past. You didn’t want to blow this interview just because it felt like you could write a book of poetry about the man’s jaw alone. 

“Can you tell me about your daughter?” You asked after a moment. “I think you said she was nine?” 

He nodded again. 

“Yeah, Sarah,” he said. “She’s a good kid, smart as a fuckin’ whip.” He noticed that he cursed, his eyes going wide. “Shit… sorry, no…” 

“It’s fine,” you smiled. “I’m a big girl, I can handle some adult language.” 

He looked relieved. 

“Thanks,” he said. “Sarah’s… I don’t know what I did to deserve a kid like her but it had to be somethin’ in a past life because it sure as shit ain’t this one. She’s such a sweet kid, so smart - way smarter than me, not a clue where she got it from - funnier than hell. You’ll love her, everyone loves her. She’s easy to watch out for, part of why I’ve never had to do this before. We had neighbors who were happy to look after her for me during the summer but they moved to Dallas about a month ago.” 

“Could I meet her?” You asked. “I mean, assuming you’re interested in potentially hiring me, I’d like to meet her, get to know her a bit…” 

“Well,” Joel looked awkward again. “You’re… the only interview I got. I must not be offering enough, didn’t get any other takers…” 

“I’m not opposed to being a last resort,” you smiled. He laughed. “And I’m fine with the pay. It’s enough that I won’t need to take out another student loan.” 

“That’s good,” he sighed. “Because I’d love to offer more but…” 

“I get it,” you said. “Will I be meeting Sarah’s mom?” 

“No,” he replied. “She hasn’t been in the picture in years. Her loss, but still. It’d be nice to have a… female presence in her life.” 

“That’s hard,” you leaned in a bit closer to him. “I’m really sorry. If it helps, I know a bit about what that’s like. My dad left before I was born, my mom not too long after. I grew up with my grandma. She’s great, I love her more than anything and she’s done so much for me but… I dunno, I guess I was always wondering why I couldn’t be enough for them to want to stick around.” 

“Speaking from experience,” he replied. “It ain’t got shit to do with you, Kid.” 

It was the first time he’d called you that. Now it was practically all he called you, you couldn’t remember the last time he’d said your name. You kind of liked it. Your grandmother had been the only person close enough to you to have given you a pet name, it was nice to have a term of endearment from someone. Even if it was a bit infantilizing. 

You realized Joel must have been fucking flooring it to get to you as fast as he did. It took almost 15 minutes to get back to his place and the TV was still on when you stepped into the living room, a horror movie you didn’t recognize playing. 

“C’mere Kid,” he jerked his head toward the kitchen. “Should ice that wrist.” 

You followed obediently, still cradling your injured arm as he rifled around the freezer. He pulled out a bag of frozen corn and dropped it on the counter before squeezing it a few times to break it up. He wrapped it in a towel. “Hop up,” he patted the counter and you obliged. He held his hand out and you put your injured wrist in it. He turned it over gently in his hands, examining you. 

“You’re already bruising,” he growled. “Should’a fuckin’…” 

“You got me out of there,” you cut him off, voice gentle. “I don’t even want to know what might have happened if you hadn’t come to get me…” 

“Me either,” he muttered, gently pressing the frozen vegetable bag to your arm. You winced. “Sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?” 

“Positive,” you replied. “Nothing’s broken. I broke my arm once when I was a kid, it was way worse than this. They’d just send me home with some Tylenol right now.” 

You looked at his hand. 

“You’re sure you’re OK?” You frowned. He glanced down. 

“Definitely,” he said, going to run his hand under the faucet. He glanced up at you. “You know how to throw a punch?” 

“I think so?” You replied. “How hard can it be?” 

He shut the faucet off and dried his hands before stepping in front of you.

“Let’s see,” he said. “Make a fist.” 

You obeyed, using your uninjured hand. He shook his head, taking hold of your fist. 

“Your thumb has to be on the outside of your fingers,” he said, gently opening your hand and freeing your thumb. He nudged your fingers closed again and brought your thumb over the top of them. You’d never noticed just how large his hands were until you saw them contrasted with yours. “Like that. You’ll break your thumb if you do it the way you had it. When you go to punch, bend your knees a bit. It’ll stabilize you. All your power is going to come from your lower body, start there and carry it up. Strike with your middle knuckle and then follow it through.” 

“Thumb outside, knees bent, start low, follow through,” you repeated, your hand still in his. You tried to ignore the electric current that ran over you where his skin touched yours.

“Right,” he said, releasing your fist. “So next time some asshole puts his hands on you, do that at his nose, OK Kid?” 

“Something tells me it won’t be as effective as when you do it,” you smiled, your eyes meeting his. 

“Maybe not,” he shrugged. “But it’ll still hurt and give you a chance to run. Which is what you do. And you can always call me. OK?” 

“OK.” 

He helped you down from the counter. 

“Don’t know about you,” he said. “But I’m a bit too keyed up to sleep quite yet. Want somethin’ to drink?” 

“Is it weird to ask for a beer?” You almost winced. 

“Not like you’re workin’,” he said, going for the fridge before turning back for you. “Wait, you turned 21 last fall, right?” 

“Yes, Joel,” you smiled, rolling your eyes a little. “I’m fully legal. Well, except to rent a car.” 

He laughed as he got two beers from the fridge, opening them with a bottle opener that was attached to the counter. He passed you one and you both went to the living room, the credits rolling on whatever horror movie he’d been watching. 

“Sorry I made you miss your movie,” you said, sitting on one end of the couch and taking a sip of beer. 

“It was shitty anyway,” he shrugged. 

The TV switched to a commercial break before teasing “When Harry Met Sally.” Joel went to change the channel but you stopped him. 

“What, don’t tell me you like that… romance crap,” he was almost teasing you. 

“Have you ever seen ‘When Harry Met Sally?’” You asked. He made a face. You rolled your eyes. “Joel. C’mon. It’s one of the best movies ever made.” 

“No,” he scoffed. 

“It is!” You insisted. “The dialogue? The pacing? The acting? Ugh, so good. It’s one of my favorites. Give it a try, pretend there’s a heart somewhere in there.” 

He was still looking at you, skeptical. You’d somehow closed the gap on the couch, your arm brushing against his. 

“I will lose all respect for you if you just refuse to even try it,” you challenged. 

“Oh because you’ve got so damn much of that,” he snorted. You elbowed him playfully. “Fine, Kid. We’ll watch your little romance movie. But only because you had a bad night and I’m not a total asshole.” 

“You’re not?” You clutched your chest in mock surprise. 

“Don’t tell anyone.” 

You kept glancing over at him as you drank your beer, your legs tucked up beside you as he leaned against the arm of the couch. He was actually paying attention, you’d give him that. 

“Well?” You asked during the second commercial break. 

“It’s… not bad,” he looked over to you. 

“You like it!” You twisted to face him. 

“No, I do not,” he fought to keep from smiling. “I just don’t… dislike it.” 

“Joel Miller: father, contractor, rom-com lover,” you smirked, taking a sip of beer. He just shook his head, a twitch in his jaw. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you tickets to opening night of the next Meg Ryan movie, it’s the least I can do.” 

You caught him stifling a laugh more than once and, about an hour into the movie, checked your injured wrist before taking the still half frozen corn back to the kitchen and coming back with two bottles of Shiner, passing one to you. 

The beer made you bold - and tired. Your head drifted onto his shoulder and he didn’t stop you, your blinks becoming longer and longer until your eyes stayed closed and you fell asleep against him. 

*** 

You’d been right about the movie. Joel shouldn’t be surprised. You had good taste in most things. The books and music you brought around, the food you invented on nights where he worked late and you made Sarah dinner. Your taste in men left something to be desired, though. 

Joel ground his teeth, glancing over at your sleeping frame, the almost empty beer bottle still in your fingers. He gently took it from you, setting it on the side table to not disturb you. You sighed happily and pressed yourself closer to his side. His eyes trailed down your body. You were wearing one of your damn sundresses again - seemed like that’s all you wore this time of year. He thought you were going to be the death of him the summer before, him coming home every night to see you in one of your damn sundresses or cut off shorts and a tank top, looking soft and sweet and beautiful as you made dinner or did a science experiment with Sarah. 

He’d never known a person as kind as you. That he was sure of. The first time he called you on a Saturday morning to ask if you could come watch Sarah on your day off - there was an emergency at a job site and he was desperate - and you made it sound like he was doing you a favor, not the other way around. 

“Of course!” You sounded actually excited. “Do you think I could take her to the zoo? There’s a cool program there on Saturdays, I was thinking of asking to take her sometime, anyway…” 

He’d tried to pay you for it but you waved him off. 

“I’m just hanging out with my best friend at the zoo, why should you pay me?” You looked at him like he was crazy. Sarah was glowing. 

You were everything bright and good and the fact that someone had put his hands on you… He ground his teeth again. He was surprised that you weren’t more upset. He’d have expected you to be crying, at the very least. It sounded like you had been when you called. But, by the time you got to his place, you were your usual self. Like somehow one asshole wasn’t going to ruin your outlook on the world. 

Joel hadn’t realized how strong the drive to protect you would be. He’d never needed to before. He’d told you pretty early on to call if you ever needed something. He’d even told you to call if you were drunk at a party and needed a safe ride - didn’t want you getting in a car with some idiot college kid who’d had a few too many behind the wheel. You’d rolled your eyes a bit but said thank you all the same. But he wasn’t expecting you to ever need to take him up on it. At least, not like this. 

He hadn’t realized that he’d run out of the house without shoes on - without even locking the damn door - until he was halfway back with you safely beside him. You’d sounded so hurt and so scared, he couldn’t get to you fast enough. He’d had to keep himself from beating the shit out of the man who’d been holding you. 

And now you were asleep on him. 

There was so much wrong with what he was thinking about you. There’d been so much wrong with what he thought about you since the day he met you. He called you Kid as much as a nickname as to remind himself that you were far too young for him, closer to Sarah’s age than his own. It didn’t matter that you were an adult, you were barely out of your teens when he met you. Men who preyed on young women disgusted him. He wasn’t about to become one just because he could spend all damn day just watching you exist. 

He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back on the couch. Was it fair to even have you work for him this summer if he felt this way? He was going to, regardless, he just wasn’t sure how shitty he should feel about it. Offering you his home as a place to stay for a few weeks wasn’t a smart move, though. He was already around you all the damn time when Sarah was out of school - and pretty regularly outside of that, too, you coming by a few times a month to keep an eye on her when he needed to take care of something on evenings or weekends. You even tutored her in math and science when she hit a rough patch back in February, you figuring out her stumbling blocks and reframing it so she could wrap her head around it. Sarah had been so excited when she got an A on her test, the first thing she wanted to do after telling Joel was call you. He’d heard your excited yell through the phone from a few feet away, Sarah beaming with pride. You, in his space, with your damn sundresses and your CDs and your books in fucking French were going to kill him. 

He tucked your head tighter to him, slipping an arm below your waist before maneuvering you into his arms. You sleepily mumbled something - totally incoherent - and he carried you to Sarah’s room, setting you gently on her unmade bed. He took off your shoes before tucking you in and paused. You’d painted your toenails red, the same shade as the cherries on your sundress. You’d painted your fucking nails for the asshole who’d put hands on you. He clenched his jaw for a moment before pulling the blankets over you and closing the door behind him. 

Joel tried to think about anything but the way your breasts looked in that dress, knowing you were just down the hall, as he fucked his own hand before passing out alone. 

He woke up before you the next morning and stood awkwardly in his kitchen, wondering what he should do. If you were a woman - well, a woman he’d fucked - he knew what he’d do. He’d try to make you breakfast, something that was good enough that you might want to come back and fuck him again. What did he make for his babysitter who he rescued from a bad date and then fell asleep on his arm? 

He started with coffee and waited, standing there awkwardly leaning against the counter where he’d had your hand in his the night before. Thankfully, you woke up not long after him, shuffling into the kitchen in bare feet, your hair mussed and mascara on your cheeks. You’d put on an oversized zip up hoodie that Sarah had stolen from him and never given back, the sleeves pushed up to your elbows, the sweatshirt not that much shorter than the dress below it. 

“Morning sunshine,” he teased you. It took you a moment to register that he was there, looking almost surprised when you did. “Coffee?” 

You wordlessly nodded, shuffling to the kitchen table and sinking into a chair before putting your head down on the table. He smiled and shook his head, pouring you a cup of coffee and adding some milk and sugar before putting it in front of you. 

“Not a morning person?” He asked, sitting beside you. You shook your head, lifting the mug to your lips and taking a long drink. You looked surprised again, looking from the mug to Joel. “Use your words, Kid.” 

“How’d you know how I like my coffee?” Your voice was still scratchy with sleep. 

“Took a guess,” he shrugged. “Didn’t quite have the materials for a lavender latte.” 

You glared at him before taking another sip of coffee and sighing happily. 

“How’s the wrist?” He asked, nodding to your arm. 

“Fine,” you said, stretching it out in front of you. There were black and blue fingerprints on it. Joel clenched his jaw. “Just a bit sore. How’s the hand?” 

“Fine,” he said, voice gruffer than he’d intended. You just nodded and drank more coffee for a moment. 

“So,” you said, setting the coffee cup down and crossing your sweatshirt-clad arms on the table. “Did I fall asleep on you last night? And if yes, how embarrassing was it?” 

“You did,” he replied, half smiling at the memory of you against him. You groaned, putting your head down on the table again. “Not embarrassing though. You only snored a bit, sounded like a very small chainsaw…” 

“I snored?” Your head shot up from the table, eyes wide. He just laughed, taking a sip of coffee. You narrowed your eyes at him. “Cruel. That’s what you are, you’re cruel. Such a weird trait for a man who’s favorite movie is ‘When Harry Met Sally’ but what do I know…” 

“You hungry?” He asked after a moment. “I could make you somethin’. Not sure what you might want…” 

“You have to get me to my apartment today, right?” You asked, fidgeting with your mug. He nodded once. “Well, there’s this great diner around the corner from me, makes the best waffles you’ve ever had in your life…” 

“Not a Waffle House is it?” He asked, quirking a brow at you. You glared at him. 

“No, Joel, it’s not a Waffle House,” you shook your head but you smiled a bit all the same. “I could take you to breakfast? It’s the least I could do…” 

“I know what I pay you, Kid,” he said. “I’ve got breakfast. But yeah, let’s go get these famous waffles. I gotta grab Sarah this afternoon, was thinkin’ of calling Tommy and having him meet us at your place…” 

“Why?” You frowned. “I’m just grabbing some clothes and stuff, hardly need a team for heavy lifting…” 

“Because if that asshole comes around again, I’ll need someone to keep me from kicking his ass,” Joel said wryly. 

You rolled your eyes but went along with him, finishing your coffee and walking barefoot to Joel’s truck, your shoes from the night before dangling from your hand. You rolled the window down on the drive, hanging your head out with your eyes closed until Joel got closer to your apartment. 

“Turn right here, instead of left,” you said, pointing to a place with red and white awning up ahead. “It’s just up there, on the right.” 

You led the way inside, the small restaurant bustling for early on a Saturday. One of the waitresses did a double take as she saw you with your face all but pressed against the dessert case. 

“Girl, what are you doing here this early?” She asked, snapping her gum.

“Just getting an early start,” you smiled. “How’s your morning going so far Luce?” 

“Oh you know how it is,” Luce looked you up and down. You were still wearing Joel’s hoodie from Sarah’s room. “You doin’ a walk of shame?”

“Luce!” You swatted her arm. “C’mon, give me SOME credit. You know I’d tell you immediately how it was if that ever happened.” 

The waitress barked a laugh and shook her head. There was a bell at the kitchen window and she looked behind her before going back to you. 

“Sit tight for like three minutes,” she snapped her gum again. “I’ve got a table that’s ready to cash out, let me run this food and take care of them and you can sit with me.” 

“You’re the boss,” you gave her a small salute before turning back and smiling to Joel. “Prepare to have your life changed, Joel. I’m telling you, these waffles? Will ruin you.” 

“Nah, you’ve built them up too much,” he shook his head, frowning. “Can’t be that good.” 

The waitress you’d talked to before brought you to a table and put menus in front of you before leaning in conspiratorially to your ear. 

“Thought you said this wasn’t a walk of shame?” She looked Joel up and down. 

“Luce, this is my friend Joel,” you gestured across the table. “I look after his daughter in the summer. Joel got me out of a tough spot last night…” 

“He could get me out of a tough spot any time,” she winked. You gaped up at her. Joel just laughed. “Sorry, sweetie! We’ve just been dying for this girl to actually come in with a man at some point. She’s been on dates, never seems to go anywhere! She’s too cute to die alone, if she doesn’t have hope none of us do.” 

“No, you’re right, this restaurant is life changing,” Joel smirked at you. You went red. 

“Thanks Luce, I’m going to just die here now, appreciate you,” you smiled sarcastically up at her. She just laughed. 

“Usual drink, babe?” She asked. You nodded. She turned to Joel. “And for you sugar?”

“Just coffee.” 

“A purist,” she snapped her gum. “Be back.” 

You watched her go before groaning and burying your head in your arms. 

“I really should have known better than to bring you here,” your voice was muffled. “This is really on me.” 

“How often to you come here?” Joel asked, smiling as you emerged from your makeshift shelter. 

“Every Saturday,” you said. “Usually like an hour before close when it’s a bit slower. I sit in….” You twisted and pointed to a small, two-seat booth in the corner. “That booth so I’m out of the way and I just people watch and have coffee and waffles and catch up with everyone here. They’re all really sweet. Plus they’ll sometimes send me home with stuff from the display case that’s getting tossed that I then use to bribe your daughter with during the week.” 

“That explains the sugar highs,” he said dryly. 

Luce returned, putting something frothy in front of you and a coffee in front of him. 

“Whatcha eatin’?” She snapped her gum again. 

“Can you do me just the hugest favor,” you bit your lip, eyes wide. Luce sighed. 

“Tell me,” she said. 

“Can you make the sampler for my friend here?” You asked. “He’s never been here before and he absolutely HAS to understand the depth of affection I have for the waffles.” 

“Only because it’s you,” she shook her head. “I just let you get away with murder…” 

“It’s because you love me,” you smiled. She just sighed. “And I’ll do… the chicken and waffles please.” 

She turned to Joel. 

“You’re getting a bunch of waffles sweetie,” she said. “Whatcha want with em? Eggs?” 

“Scrambled.” 

“Any meat?” 

“Bacon.” 

“Done,” she took your menus. “Don’t let her run roughshod over you like she does over me.” 

“Yes ma’am,” Joel smiled. 

“I’ve made so many mistakes in the last 24 hours and this might just be the worst,” you sighed, taking a sip of… whatever it is that you ordered. 

“You just make friends with everyone, don’t you?” He asked, watching you across the table. Your face turned serious for a moment and then you smiled again. 

“I try to,” you shrugged. “But I end up on my own most of the time. Which is totally fine, by the way, I like being by myself. Lots to do and solitude is a good way to do it.” 

He nodded slowly. 

“What about you?” You asked, stirring your drink with a straw. “Haven’t seen you bring many friends around. Except Tommy but family doesn’t count.” 

“Not a lot of time for friends,” he shrugged. “Got work, Sarah….” 

“Rescuing hapless college students.” 

He smiled. 

“I stay busy.” 

You stirred your drink again, bobbing your head slightly, in time to a song Joel could barely hear over the buzz of people in the cramped restaurant. 

“You really tell them all about your dating life?” He asked, half smiling at you. 

“Oh God,” you groaned and then laughed. “Yes. But only because it’s basically non-existent and I have almost no one else to talk to about it. Luce is convinced she’s a matchmaker. Maybe I should listen to her, she’s been right every time I’ve told her about a guy I’m seeing.” 

“Every time, really…” Joel’s jaw twitched a bit. He didn’t like thinking about you with other men. But he did have fun making you squirm a bit in your seat. “How many times is that, exactly?”

“Are you asking me about my love life, Joel?” You teased, leaning across the table at him. 

He matched your stance, his face ending up only a few inches from your own. Even now, you smelled good. Sweet, floral. A bit like lavender. 

“Curious about your track record,” he replied. You laughed. 

“It’s real bad,” you said, sitting up straight again. “Jeremy was the fourth guy I’ve gone out with since I came to Texas. He’s the only one who made it to date four and we saw how THAT ended. The others weren’t QUITE so awful. One came close to being that bad but otherwise, just run of the mill not working out. Believe it or not, there aren’t a lot of guys beating down the bio-lab door to get at the teacher in training.” 

Joel sat back in his seat, too. 

“Men are idiots,” he shrugged. “Especially when they’re in college. They wise up when they get older.” You bit your lip for a second before shaking your head to yourself. “What?” You scrunched your nose and shook your head. “C’mon kid. What were you going to say?” 

“They get better when they’re your age?” You blurted, blushing as you asked it. 

He watched you for a moment. 

“Like to think so.” 

Luce had been right. You’d ordered him a mountain of waffles. There were three of them, each quadrant a different flavor, topped accordingly, looking like a rainbow of food in front of him. He gaped at you and you shrugged, smiling as you cut into your own. You were right, too, though. They were the best waffles he’d ever had. And he wasn’t even that crazy about fucking waffles. Luce whispered something in your ear when she gave you a hug as you were leaving and it was enough to make you swat her on the arm before going to the truck, still smiling and shaking your head when you buckled up. 

Tommy asked few questions when Joel had called to ask him to come to your place and he’d beaten the two of you there, leaning against his truck. 

“Hey Tommy!” You hopped out of the truck and waved. You always sounded like whoever you were greeting made your day just by being there. It never seemed fake, either. Joel didn’t understand it. 

“Hey Kid,” Tommy smiled, hugging you briefly. “Heard I’m here to run interdiction.” 

“Your brother is paranoid,” you rolled your eyes, absently fidgeting with the sleeves of the hoodie. Tommy noticed the bruises at your wrist in the brief second they were exposed, grabbing your hand and shoving the sleeve up your arm. 

“The fuck is this?” He looked to Joel. 

“It’s nothing, really,” you took your hand back and Tommy didn’t fight you on it. “Just a… misunderstanding that Joel got me out of last night, that’s all.” 

“Misunderstanding my ass,” Joel muttered. 

“Some guy do that?” Tommy demanded. “What, he your boyfriend? Where is he?” 

“No!” You closed your eyes for a second and crossed your arms, Joel noticing the first traces of pain on your face since he’d picked you up last night. So you weren’t as OK as you looked, you were just damn good at hiding it. It passed quickly. “No, it’s just a guy I’d gone out with a few times and it just… didn’t go the way he wanted is all, it’s fine, it’s a misunderstanding, it won’t happen again, it’s fine. I promise it’s fine.” 

It didn’t look settled for Tommy. Didn’t feel settled for Joel.

“That’s why we’re getting some of her stuff,” Joel said. “He knows where she lives, she’s gonna stay with Sarah n’ me until her new place is ready. Wanted you here in case he showed his face.” 

“Afraid you can’t take him alone?” Tommy smirked a little. Like he knew the real reason. 

“Somethin’ like that,” Joel muttered. 

“OK so if the dick measuring contest is done, can we go inside and stop making a scene?” You fished your keys out of your purse. Joel’s eyebrows went up. He didn’t think he’d ever heard you say the word ‘dick’ before. Or be quite so blunt. 

“Sure Kid,” Tommy said. “We’re at your service.” 

“Such gallant gentlemen,” you smiled a little, leading the way to your apartment. It was on the ground floor of the small complex, a neighbor saying hi to you as you passed and giving a cagey look to the men trailing behind you.

Joel had never been inside your apartment before but, when he stepped inside, he imagined it was what it would be like to step into your mind. 

Everything was light and bright with soft things everywhere - a blanket draped over the back of the couch, pillows on a beanbag in the corner. There was a small cluster of plants on your windowsill and Christmas lights framing your bookshelves which were loaded down to the point that the boards were sagging in the middle. 

“Give me like five minutes to get changed?” You said, setting your purse down on the small breakfast bar that looked to serve as your only dining space. “Make yourselves comfortable, help yourself to anything…” 

You disappeared down the short hall and Joel took a minute to indulge his curiosity. He started with your bookshelf, the most worn copies. “Pride and Prejudice” looked like it was hanging on by a thread, the spine barely readable. He almost laughed. That fit you. “The Bell Jar” was also particularly worn. He hadn’t read that one, so he pulled it off the shelf and looked at the back, frowning. This seemed less like you. Or what he knew of you. He put it back. There were a lot of books on your shelf he didn’t know, and a lot that were in French that he may have known something about but fuck if he could tell what they were. 

You didn’t have many pictures, something he found oddly disappointing. There was one photo you’d framed of you with a girl who was the same age but it was years old, you couldn’t have been more than 15 in it. The few others there were looked to just be photos of you with an older woman, who must be your grandmother. There was a painting on the wall next to the bookshelf, almost too big for the space. A lavender farm. Of course it was. 

“I painted that.” 

Joel hadn’t noticed you come back in. You were still tying your mass of hair on the top of your head, wearing jeans and a threadbare t-shirt and the canvas tennis shoes you wore with fucking everything - the damn sundresses, the shorts that drove him crazy. He looked back to the painting. 

“It’s good,” he said. He wasn’t lying. He’d have never guessed you hadn’t bought it somewhere. 

“It’s that lavender farm, near my grandma’s place?” You stood next to him, looking at the painting. “Anyway, safe to say that can stay for now. Is it OK if I bring my plants? I don’t want them to drop dead because I’m not watering them when they need…” 

“Sure, Kid,” Joel smiled a little at you. “We’ll find a spot for them.” 

You looked relieved, finding a big, plastic tub to pack the plants in before going back to your bedroom. Joel followed you there and you handed him a worn duffle bag as you started to grab things to pack. Your bedroom, like the rest of your home, was you personified. There was a quilt on the bed that had to be about as old as you, tiny flowers covering the thing. The windows had frothy, white curtains, your bed had about six too many pillows. Stack of books on the nightstand, pressed framed flowers on the walls. All sweetness and softness and light. 

“Can you…” your face scrunched. “Close your eyes for just a sec?” 

Your hand hovered by a dresser drawer. He laughed. 

“Sure, Kid,” he obeyed, closing his eyes. “Pack your underwear without this old man watchin’.” 

“Not that old,” you muttered. He smiled, resisting the urge to sneak a peek at what it is you wore under those little dresses. 

It didn’t take long for you to gather your things, you turning in circles in each room a few times, muttering to yourself before nodding once, a sense of finality to it. 

“We can always come back if you forget somethin’,” Joel said. “But that’s a ‘we,’ no comin’ here on your own.” 

“I know,” you nodded. “But still, trying to avoid leaving stuff for school behind. I have exams soon, I need to study… Think I’m good, though.” 

You grab your purse and one of the three bags you’ve filled with the things you’ll need to survive a few weeks with Joel and Sarah. Joel grabs the other two, Tommy the box of plants and you fill up the bed of Joel’s truck. You’re about to get in your old car - a beater from the early 80s that Joel is still amazed made it from upstate New York to Texas in the first place - when a late model Ford F-150 that’s never done a day of work in its life pulled into the lot, closing your car in. You froze, a deer in headlights, as the fuckin’ guy from the night before stalked over to you and threw you against your car. 

Joel was over to you before he even realized he was moving, pulling the man away from you and shoving him to the ground. 

“What’d I tell you, boy?” He growled, pulling a fist back and bringing it down on his face. “Told you I’d kill you if you touched her again, didn’t I?” 

Joel hit him again, the man trying to protect his face, and he pulled his fist back to hit him again when you caught it, pulling him back. 

“Joel!” You were yelling it, like you’d been screaming it for a minute. Maybe you had been. Tommy was on him then, too, pulling him off the man on the ground. “He’s not worth it, Joel, he’s not worth it…” 

Joel got to his feet, breathless, the man on the ground curled in on himself. He turned to you, your eyes still wide. He wanted to hug you, hold you close. Instead, he just looked at you. 

“You OK?” He asked after a moment. You nodded once. He turned back to the man on the ground. “Take your truck and get the fuck out of here.” 

The man scrambled to obey and you watched, your body stiff, until he was out of sight. You deflated a bit when he was gone, the hint of a tear at the corner of your eye. 

“You’re OK Kid,” Joel said quietly. You looked at him, your eyes wide, trusting. “I’ll keep you safe. You’re OK.” 

You looked at him like you believed him.

[savemefromanepicoftimewasted]

Why Does Change Hurt So Much?

Joel Miller X F!Reader Joel wasn't a terrible person, he'd done everything he could to make sure everyone he cared about was safe. Until Ellie finds out the truth, finds out that Joel's never been truthful, until Ellie hates him. A/N:this fic idea had been bothering me for DAYS so I finally took the time to write it, there's no real major warnings besides the D slur as well as Joel talking about his past also also, SPOILERS FOR THE LAST OF US PART II, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED also also also:feedback is HIGHLY appreciated! Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Everything started to change after Ellie had stopped speaking to Joel, even if it was tearing him apart inside that he couldn’t just casually go and talk to her. He’d met you first at the Tipsy Bison, it was an accident and Joel hadn’t stumbled over his words in so long. Your first date was magical and the only person he could talk to about it was his brother. Sure he could’ve talked to Maria about you too but she was dealing with his niece's terrible twos at the moment. He’d fallen in love hard and fast but refused to admit he was the first one to say ‘I love you’. Then came the engagement. Joel downright refused to make a fuss over it because the one person he’d wanted to tell wouldn’t be there. It felt almost wrong to keep living his life after what happened, as if he wasn’t meant to be happy.

The wedding was a simple and quiet affair, only a handful of people were in attendance as the pair of you bound yourselves to one another. You’d looked ethereal before him, a goddess sent down to make sure he didn’t do something stupid. It reminded him of when he’d rescued Ellie from the hospital, he’d knocked the surgeon and nurses out before taking her from the bed. Marlene had been an unfortunate casualty but he downright refused to let them murder her for the sake of something that wouldn't work. 

Ellie had gone back for the backpack with the memories of her life before infection, Marlene’s body had slowly decomposed into the ground. The doctor and ‘friends’ must have fled as there was no sign of them when Ellie arrived. She listened to each and every recording, the sick realization that Joel had lied dug so dangerously deep. The only person she’d had any trust for, and he fucking lied! How could he do this to her, it didn’t make any sense for him to lie to her about something so serious. Maybe Maria was right, maybe she truly knew nothing about Joel Miller.

The little tussle with Seth had been almost accidental, you and Joel had been sitting together by the bar, watching Ellie and Dina dance together. You knew the story of what happened and how it came to be that Ellie wanted nothing to do with Joel. It was heartbreaking to hear how much Joel truly cared about the teen. You weren’t going to interfere though, there was nothing more irritating than someone else knowing your business. And then Seth goes and calls Ellie a dyke. Had Joel not thrown himself out of his chair you absolutely would have. You were in a goddamn apocalypse and this bigot was being hateful still?

Of course that didn’t mean Ellie was going to take kindly to Joel trying to defend her. The bar was silent as she hissed the words “I don’t need your fucking help”. Your heart broke at the expression that flickered over his features. Joel had managed to hide how distraught he was for years, but to hear it again that Ellie practically hated him dug the knife a little deeper. He didn’t say anything as he turned to leave, wrapping his arm around your waist to pull you flush to his side.

Ellie stared as the two of you left, more confused than hurt in that moment as she suddenly realized she had no idea who you were. Dina called her name softly, it was time to leave and not make anymore scenes. Why did the thought of Joel finding someone bother her so much? He’d made it quite known that he was perfectly happy on his own.

“Ellie, why don’t we leave and talk about this somewhere else?” Dina seemed a little more desperate now, everyone was staring at the pair.

“Yeah, let’s go” Ellie laced their fingers together, walking briskly out of the bar before anyone else could utter their own hatred.

Joel’s hands were shaking as he tried, and struggled, to pour the ground coffee into the press. Tommy had managed to find not only a french press, but also six bags of ground coffee during their last run. It was the only thing, besides you of course, that seemed to help manage his anxiety. Ironic isn’t it?

“Joel, you have to understand where she’s coming from, she was told that she was going to ‘change the world’ and do bigger and better things,” You never faulted Joel for his decision, but you could understand why Ellie was angry with him.

“I should’ve just told her the truth from the start, maybe she wouldn’t hate me as much,” Joel hadn’t regretted letting the doctor live, the man was just doing what he was told.

“I think she would’ve been upset no matter what, she’s still a kid,” You watched and waited as Joel finished scooping the coffee in, pouring over the hot water to let it steep.

The air in the kitchen seemed to almost thicken as you both waited for the conversation to continue. It was never easy watching Joel slip further into this depression, nor was it easy watching the way Ellie became more hostile. It was subtle at first, Joel would be in bed for an extra twenty minutes whereas before he’d be up before the sun was even out. Ellie would snap on people much quicker, blaming it on a multitude of things instead of addressing the issue. Joel frowned as he pushed the plunger down slowly, making sure it was level with the bottom before pouring himself a cup.

Before you could say anything else a knock at the door caught both your and Joel’s attention. It could be one of three people. Tommy, to see what happened at the bar, Seth to apologize, or Ellie. You weren’t sure who you were hoping was on the other side of the door, you were hoping for a brief second that it was Tommy. Joel opened the door slower than normal, brow furrowing as he stared down at Ellie.

“Hey, is it okay if we talk outside?” She glanced over to where you were sitting, her eyes widened with a million different emotions before they locked back on Joel.

“Sure let’s go,” Joel looked back at you for a brief second, nodding his head before stepping out onto the porch with Ellie.

The door shut with an almost silent click, normally Joel preferred something that made a little more noise as he’d lost his hearing almost entirely on the right side now. He only had himself to blame of course, shooting infected with a rifle wasn’t always the smartest idea. That wasn’t why they were here though, and Joel was terrified of what was going to happen.

“Why did you do it?” Ellie hadn’t even given him a moment to sip his coffee, which at the moment was keeping him grounded.

“I couldn’t let them kill you for something that had a one percent chance of working,” Joel stared down at the steaming mug, a frown pulling at his lips.

“It wasn’t your choice to make, Joel, and you know that. You took away the only thing that mattered most to me,” Ellie had been furious, the anger burning like a wildfire inside of her for so long.

Joel didn’t say anything, instead bringing the mug to his lips and letting the liquid soothe his throat. He wouldn’t admit to absolutely anyone, but he’d fallen to his knees once you and him were alone after the incident at the bar. He’d cried until his throat felt raw and torn, gripped the fabric of your shirt until his knuckles turned white. Joel had blamed himself for years, for all the lies he told to make sure Ellie never found out the truth. He had promised himself he would tell her that he had taken away her choice because he was selfish. But then she’d found out, and she’d hated him even more than he could ever hate himself.

“If I could relive that day, I would do it all over again,” Joel had lost too many people in his life, he’d nearly lost you a few times and he couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Ellie’s shoulders slumped forward, head hanging down as she struggled to take in his words. They had been a team, never keeping secrets when it mattered most, but right now there was still that wall between the two of them. Snow had started to fall from the sky, albeit slowly and drifting away from them it seemed.

“I killed a lot of people that day, and I’m not proud to admit that, but I wasn’t going to let them kill an innocent child for something that would not work,” Joel stood up straight, or as straight as his back would let him at the moment.

“I’ll never ask for your forgiveness, lord knows I don’t deserve it, but you deserved more than a fantasy built on lies told by the people who claimed to care about you,” Joel finished off the coffee, grimacing at how cold it had become.

Ellie stood there silently, mulling over everything Joel had said to her. She’d only seen Marlene’s side of everything, the way she spoke about the vaccine as if it was a miracle cure. Even if it didn’t work, if it was all just a pipe dream that was made up by a bunch of morons, Joel took that from her.

“I knew your mother, very briefly, but I don’t think she would’ve wanted her only daughter to be murdered for the same thing that killed her,” Wait, what did he just say?

“You knew my mother?” Ellie’s voice was soft, shock coursing through her like a bolt of lightning.

“Like I said, I knew her very briefly, she was already six months pregnant by the time we met. Tommy had joined the fireflies already when we ran into one another, she was a total spitfire that took shit from no one. I can see where you get it from,” Joel reached down to set the mug on the table behind him.

No one had ever told Ellie about her mother, and one of the only people who even knew her mother was dead and gone. She’d always wondered what her mother was like, was she kind and smart? Or was she as much of an asshole that Ellie had made herself out to be?

“Tommy knows more than I do about her if you’re ever curious, but yeah, your mother died making sure that you were safe and sound, I don’t think she would’ve appreciated what Marlene tried to do,” Looking over at Joel reminded Ellie of exactly why they were in this situation.

The lies had built up for two years before she finally confronted him, angry that something so serious had been kept from her. Joel didn’t lie after that, he told her everything she wanted to hear and accepted when she cut him off. He was thankful for it in a sense, if Ellie hadn’t stopped speaking to him he would’ve never found the courage to talk to you.

“You got married, and you didn’t tell me,” The hurt was precedent in Ellie’s tone, though she felt stupid for being upset.

“You weren’t talking to me, and Tommy didn’t think it was his place to tell you I’d found someone to spend the rest of my life with,” Joel loved you more than anything, even if the two of you found out neither of you could have any kids it was fine.

Joel had already been a father, he’d lost one daughter the day the apocalypse started, and lost the second due to his own actions. Another child would just complicate things further for him, he’d be more worried during patrols wondering if you and the kids were okay at home. You’d been more worried about Joel’s reaction to hearing that you couldn’t have children than actually hearing it. You had accepted that you wouldn’t be a parent, especially once the world went to shit and all your friends and family were dead. 

“She knows the truth, I ended up spilling my guts one night after drinking half a bottle of whiskey, gotta say she’s a much better person than I will ever be,” Joel wasn’t dumb, he’d done horrible shit in his life and would spend the rest of it atoning for it.

“She knows I got bit?” Ellie clenched her hands into fists, the tattoo that covered the skin was a much more pleasant sight, but it still hurt to know a stranger knew her entire life.

“I told her about everything, from when Sarah was a baby, to coming back to Jackson. I’m not going to keep secrets from my wife Ellie,” Joel’s anger wasn’t something that built slowly, he would be the first to admit how hot headed he was.

Ellie opened and closed her mouth a few times, what could she possibly say to that without sounding hypocritical. She was the one to cut Joel out of her life entirely, he wasn’t going to go skipping to her house to announce that he’d gotten married. But her life wasn’t something for him to tell.

“I didn’t tell her about Riley, or Cat, or hell even Dina. I told her about how Marlene begged us to take you to the hospital, how we lost Tess, Bill, Frank, Henry and Sam along the way. I didn’t tell her about David, or the way I tortured three men to try and find you. How I killed fifteen men to get to you, the surgeon is lucky I didn’t kill him,” Joel scoffed lowly, running his tongue over his teeth as the taste of coffee lingered.

“You didn’t tell her about all of that?” Maybe she should’ve been screaming at him, that he had still spewed too many secrets that weren’t his.

“No, she knows the bare minimum about you,” Joel’s hands had started to shake again, though he was more sure that it had to do with the cold rather than anything.

Ellie wanted to know everything about you, where you’d grown up, how old were you before the apocalypse happened, how did you manage to tie down Joel Miller. Her thoughts strayed back to Dina, what would she make of the situation when they got to talk again?

“Joel?” Your voice was quiet, a cardigan wrapped tight to keep off the winter chill that was trying to seep itself into your bones.

“Go back inside hun, I’ll be in in a few minutes,” Joel reached over, cupping your cheek with a cold palm.

“Make sure you stay warm, don’t need you getting sick,” You smiled softly, pressing a gentle kiss to his palm before glancing over at Ellie.

“I will, scouts honor,” Joel’s eyes crinkled as he smiled at you.

To anyone that witnessed the moment it was obvious how in love you were, Joel’s eyes sparkled with love and affection. Ellie looked away, feeling as if she was intruding on a personal moment between the two of you. It wasn’t until she’d heard the door shut once more that she lifted her head, looking back over at the older man.

“Look, if you’re here to get mad at me some more about the past, just go home and get some sleep, you’re taking over for Tommy and I tomorrow for the afternoon shift,” Joel grabbed the mug off the table, ready to go inside and lick his wounds in private.

Ellie didn’t say another word, watching as Joel stepped inside his house and shut the door with a deafening click. It felt as if they had sealed their fate, they would never be able to truly move past the issues at hand. Joel had admitted fault, had told Ellie that he knew what he did was wrong, but he couldn’t lose someone else. Ellie couldn’t see it that way, she wanted to truly hate Joel for what he’d done. Maybe she’d ask Tommy about her mother, learn everything about her that she could. Maybe, just maybe, she could learn to forgive Joel.

Joel stared down at the single mug sitting in the sink, he wanted to go outside and talk to Ellie for just a few more minutes, but this wasn’t something he could fix on his own. He’d joked about seeing a therapist, knowing that there were a few living in Jackson he could talk to. He’d have to leave out key information though, and that didn’t feel right with him if he was going to spill his emotions.

“Joel, let’s go to bed,” You wrapped your arms around his waist, pressing your cheek against his back.

“You think she’ll ever forgive me?” Joel never got his hopes up, it was too dangerous to hope for a positive outcome.

“I think she needs time to figure out who she is as a person on her own, she needs to find her identity before she starts to accept people in her life,” It was something you’d thought about for a while, being married almost two years, having met right after Ellie stopped speaking to him.

You knew Joel wanted Ellie by his side but he needed to punish himself for what he’d done, for his actions having consequences that caused this to snowball. You were surprised to hear he’d let the doctor live, knowing how dangerous that could have been considering the circumstances. You’d mulled over the story yourself multiple times, coming to the same conclusion after deliberating. Had you been in Joel’s shoes, you would have saved Ellie as well, keeping her safe in such a toxic world.

“I wish she could’ve met Sarah, they would’ve got on like a house on fire,” It was something Joel had mentioned a few times, of course Sarah would’ve been in her 30’s had that night not happened.

“I think you seem to forget that Ellie is still a kid, Sarah would’ve been an adult with possibly children of her own,” You patted Joel’s stomach playfully, pulling your arms away to head on up to bed.

Joel refused to let his mind wander, to think about what would’ve happened if Sarah had lived. He wouldn’t have been here with you, Ellie would’ve died for nothing, and his brother would’ve still left, it didn’t seem worth it. Turning off all the lights downstairs Joel made his way up to where you were. Grabbing his pajamas to change out of the heavy clothes that kept out the normal winter chill. You’d started stealing Joels’ shirts to sleep in only a few months after you had gotten together. Joel of course encouraged it and even snuck a few of his own shirts into your drawers.

“Do you think I’m a bad dad?” The question caught you off guard, it wasn’t something he’d ever asked before.

“Absolutely not, and I swear if you start blaming yourself for stuff that was out of your control I’m going to grab my slipper and beat you with it,” You pulled off your jeans, shrugging on one of Joel’s shirts and a pair of sweatpants.

“Yes ma’am,” Joel chuckled, pulling on his shirt before turning to face you.

He wasn’t surprised to see that you’d already crawled into bed, blanket pulled up nearly over your head as you stared back at him. Domesticity felt good, a comforting weight he hadn’t felt since he arrived back in Jackson all those years ago.

“You sounded like a wonderful dad, Joel, Sarah was a very lucky girl to have you as her father,” It needed to be a reminder that Joel was a good person who’d had to do bad things to survive.

There was no right and wrong in the world anymore, some people killed to survive, and some people survived to kill. You’d had your fair share of run-ins with the wrong type of people before, didn’t make it any easier. Things were different in Jackson though, you didn’t have to worry about where your next meal would come from. Raiders were killed before they could make it past the walls. It was a comforting change of pace compared to how horrible the world was otherwise.

You had slipped into a dreamless sleep, curled tight around Joel’s body as the two of you slept the night away. Joel was thankful he woke up before his alarm went off, wanting to make sure he hadn’t disturbed you at all. He got dressed silently and pressed a gentle kiss to your head before heading out on patrol. Just a few houses away Ellie was deep in her own dreamland, a nightmare wracking her body as she tried to save Joel from a pack of clickers. Her screams were deafened by the agonizing screeches they let out. He was going to die before Ellie could forgive him, before they could try and rebuild the bond they had before.

“No!” Ellie nearly threw herself off the bed, grabbing onto the mattress before her body could leave the plush comfort.

It was a bad dream, nothing bad happened and she was still safe inside of Jackson. Maybe she should’ve talked with Joel a little more, and taken the time to discuss things instead of getting angry. After patrol, that’s what she would do is corner Joel so they could discuss everything.

Jesse had called Ellie out on her shit the moment he went to get her, joking that she was trying to steal his ex Dina right out under his nose. It was all in good fun as the trio went out onto patrol, Ellie and Dina breaking off to look through a large abandoned building. It reminded Ellie of the nightmare, listening to Joel’s terrified screams as he tried to escape. Shit, this was not going to be a fun day.

“We can head out a little earlier if you want, make sure Joel and Tommy are good for the swap so they can head home?” Dina could sense that Ellie was faraway, gaze locked onto the nothingness that sat in front of them.

“Yeah, I gotta talk to him tonight, maybe his wife too,” Ellie hopped onto Shimmer, grabbing the reins to make sure she wouldn’t startle when Dina hopped on the back

The ride over was stressful, the snow whipping around them harshly as Ellie tried to remember the route from memory. They had to change it recently due to a tree being knocked down during a whiteout. Shit, were they supposed to go left at the crossroads instead of right? No time to think about that, need to get to the next checkpoint. Luckily Ellie could just barely make out the hotel, hopefully Joel and Tommy were still inside.

“Shit, Jesse’s here too,” Dina’s voice was muffled against the wind, but Ellie heard her clear as day.

Why did one of the people she didn’t want to confront have to be here too? It was going to be hard enough dealing with Joel, let alone Jesse and Tommy. Ellie ducked her head as they made it into the lobby, Shimmer stopping beside the other three horses.

“No, that’s absolutely not happening, you have to find someone else,” Who was Joel yelling at? Or better yet, why was he yelling?

“Joel, we need a group to go there, you’re one of the best leaders we’ve had in years,” Shit, this didn’t sound good.

Ellie slipped off the horse slowly, tiptoeing to where the other three were hanging out. Tommy had his hands on his hips, staring at Joel exasperatedly. From the sounds of it they were sending out a group, and not a small one at that, to get supplies from somewhere. Dina pressed herself against Ellie, trying to make the pair more invisible.

“Tommy I have someone at home that will worry herself the entire time, I’ve basically lost my hearing entirely on the right side of my head, you think it’s smart to send me out there again?” Joel wasn’t willing to risk his life anymore, not after you came into the picture.

For the first few months after he and Ellie had stopped speaking Joel was reckless, he’d nearly gotten himself killed a handful of times and had his ass handed to him by Tommy just as much. Joel had prided himself on being a protector, and with nothing else to protect he didn’t see the point in trying anymore. Then you came along and Joel didn’t want to assume things were perfectly fine, he had a lot of trauma and shit to work through.

“This’ll be the last run, we just need to get these medical supplies, please,” Tommy wasn’t above groveling, not when it mattered most.

“Tommy I-” Joel was about to rebut, neither of them were fit enough to go on such a long journey before Ellie and Dina burst into the room, effectively cutting him off.

“Let us go, we’ll be able to handle the journey a lot better,” That sounded a lot better in her head, but damnit right now wasn’t the time.

Joel’s face morphed into something that Ellie hadn’t seen in years, there was a deep anger in the color of his eyes, something she couldn’t escape. Why did he look so angry that she offered to go in place of him? Or was there something else she wasn’t aware of, something she was supposed to do and never got the chance to.

“You’re gonna need a bigger group than four people, at least 8 if you’re going to get all the supplies you need,” Joel didn’t look away from Ellie as he said it, she wasn’t sure if he was speaking to her or Tommy.

“Joel, c’mon it’d be smarter to send people that can handle this type of journey if you can’t,” Oh, that was definitely the wrong thing to say to him.

Jesse prepared himself for the onslaught of anger that Tommy was about to be on the receiving end of. No one ever doubted Joel could handle anything you threw at him, so to have Tommy insinuating that Joel couldn’t? It was hearsay. 

“You know what? I’ll go by myself, I have the bags on the horse already,” Joel stormed off, the sound of his boots echoing inside the empty hotel.

Tommy wanted to go after him, to tell him to stop being a dumbass and just listen to some reason for once in his life, but by the time Tommy reached the bottom of the stairs Joel was gone.

“Shit, I’m gonna have to tell his wife he’s headed off to get medical supplies on his own, shit,” Now Tommy Miller wasn’t afraid of much besides his brother's temper, when his wife was upset, and the lovely woman his brother married.

He’d only ever had to give her bad news once before, and lord did Tommy never want to go back and relive that moment ever again. That woman could be downright terrifying when she was pissed off, and this would set her off the deep end.

“If we head out now, we could catch up with Joel and make sure nothing bad happens,” It was a long shot, but right now Ellie was worried Joel would end up dead.

“All three of you go, we’ll make sure someone’s watching the gate even more for when you get back,” Sure the trip would be long and strenuous, but Ellie needed to keep Joel safe.

He’d do it for her.

◤──•~❉᯽❉~•──◥

Joel had been downright furious that Ellie had followed him on Tommy’s orders. He refused to speak to anyone for the first few days, sitting away by himself as everyone slept. Dina didn’t bother to try and start a conversation, she knew it was useless. Jesse filled the void with random facts that he’d found out over the years, it was nice. They only ran into a couple infected which were taken out quickly. Joel’s mind kept reverting back to you, would you be angry with him when he finally got home? Or would you shower him with love and praise at all the medicine and supplies he’d gathered.

“So we’re gonna gather everything we can carry and bring it back to Jackson,” Joel had ripped the list into three pieces, handing one to Jesse, and one to Dina.

“If you run into any raiders or infected, keep quiet and try to take them out without raising suspicion.

The trio nodded, waiting for further instructions on what to do before everyone went off to find what they needed. Joel simply stood there waiting for confirmation that they were ready to go. Dina’s eyes widened as she watched his jaw tighten, a scowl pulling across his face. Shit, the ride back was going to be even worse than the ride here.

“Ellie and I will check the basement, it would be better to have two people down there instead of one,” Dina grabbed her gas mask just in case, never knew where you’d run into spores.

Jesse headed off to the upper floors while Joel went off into the infirmary that was located on the base floor. Ellie and Dina were nearly silent as they scoured the area, grabbing anything that would be useful and stuffing their bags full of medicine. There was a lot more than she’d been expecting which was a nice surprise but something felt off.

“Is it just me, or does this place feel a little weird?” Ellie was trying to carefully place the glass vials in the bottom of her bag, making sure they didn’t break on the transport.

“No, it definitely feels a little weird, why would people leave this much medicine laying around?” Dina had been stuffing her own bag with gauze, scalpels(wrapped in fabric to prevent damage)and bandages.

“Yeah, let’s just fill the bags and get back to Joel and Jesse so we can leave,” Ellie slung her bag over her shoulders, making sure the straps were good before heading out of the basement.

The main floor was silent, not even the breeze blowing by outside could be heard inside of the building. This was even more nerve wracking than dealing with an almost pitch black basement while scouring. Jesse was the first to come down, bag protruding almost comically from his back with everything he’d found.

“Hey, you guys manage to get some stuff?” Jesse had gotten a little nervous when he thought he’d run into a clicker, but thankfully it was a dead one.

“Yeah, a lot of stuff in the basement surprisingly,” Dina glanced around the space, eyes landing on the door that Joel had gone through.

It was shut tight, which confused her for a moment before she started to rattle off the reasons he might have shut it. Being around Ellie was clearly bothering him, so maybe he was taking a few minutes to compose himself before coming back out? That seemed the most logical, Joel could handle a few infected if it came down to it.

“Hey, should we make sure Joel’s alright? It’s been a while and we need to get back on the road before nightfall,” Jesse’s worry started to sink in, Joel was always the first to come back during a scour.

“Let’s go,” Ellie didn’t wait for the other two, running towards the door that stood between her and Joel.

She stopped before her body could slam into the dense wood, turning the handle slowly to make sure it didn’t startle Joel, or whoever else could be in that room. She’d half expected to see Joel mulling over different items, questioning what would be best to take back. What she hadn’t been expecting was to see Joel sprawled against the other side of the room, hand pressed against his stomach. Shit, the last time this happened was because a raider had caught them trying to escape.

“Shit!” Ellie ran into the room, throwing herself beside Joel as he tried, and failed, to stop the bleeding.

Jesse and Dina threw open their bags, pulling out supplies to help Joel before he could lose anymore blood. His skin was clammy, sweat dripping down his face as Dina began to thread a needle. Jesse had gotten the bleeding to stop with a few gauze pads, pushing passed Ellie to get to Joel’s wound.

“Unfortunately I don’t think there was anything to numb this, so I’ll be as quick as I can,” Dina couldn’t help but notice another scar directly next to the fresh wound, they looked so similar.

“‘S fine,” Joel’s words slurred, his breathing labored as Dina began to stitch the wound.

Shit, his wife was definitely going to kill Ellie the moment they got back home and realized that Joel had gotten hurt on their watch.

“Stay with him, I’m gonna bring the horses around,” Ellie pushed off of the floor, running out of the room to get back where all the horses were tied together.

Except something caught her eye before she could grab the reins, someone was watching her from afar. Ellie glanced over at the stranger, the way their shoulders were pulled back as if in a fighting stance, a long braid trailing down their back. Was this the person that stabbed Joel? Another person ran over to the girl across the room, though this person was shorter with a buzzed head. They took off when Ellie grabbed Shimmer's reins, kicking up a small amount of dust as they did. Have to get Joel, that’s the main priority.

“Shit! Ellie!” Dina was frantic, trying to stop Joel from slipping into unconsciousness.

The sound of the horses was loud, any infected or raider would hear them in a heartbeat with the amount of noise they were making. Once outside the room Ellie tied them to the door handle and ran inside.

“What’s going on?” Ellie was terrified, this couldn’t be happening.

“The stitches ended up popping, I can’t stop the bleeding,” Shit!

Ellie reached into her bag for her switchblade, it had kept her alive for this long it would keep Joel alive for a little bit longer. Jesse had gauze pressed against the wound, keeping a solid pressure to help the wound at least slow in bleeding. This was either going to work, or send Joel into shock and give the poor man a heart attack.

Flicking open the lighter she’d stolen from Tommy all those months ago she held the flame underneath the blade. Endure and survive, the words from her favorite comic were on repeat in her mind as she waited for the blade to be hot enough to cauterize the wound.

“I’m so sorry Joel,” Ellie winced as she pulled back the gauze, the wound had stopped bleeding but the pain he was about to endure would be catastrophic.

She pressed the blade against his skin, listening to the way it sizzled and bubbled slightly. The smell of burnt flesh permeated the air before Joel’s scream echoed around them. His heart was racing, pulse jumping as the pain coursed through his body. This was how he was going to die, thousands of miles away from the love of his life, unable to tell her he loves her once more.

“Try and stay awake, please, we need to get back on the horses and get home,” It would be a longer ride back home with Joel's condition.

Dina and Jesse ran to get everything on the horses so that their only worry was getting Joel ready to go.

“Just go, please,” Joel hadn’t felt pain this horrific since the last time he’d been stabbed with a bat.

“I’m not fucking leaving you Joel,” Ellie was pissed at both herself, and at Joel.

There was no way she was going to leave him here to die, not when they had so many things to sit down and discuss. Could she possibly look you in the eye and say that Joel had died under her watch?

“Ellie, we’ve got the horses ready to go, Jesse’s going to ride with Joel and make sure that he’s okay the ride home,” Jesse, of course he’d be the one to do what Ellie couldn’t.

“We have to move him slowly, we go too fast and it’ll all be over,” Ellie couldn’t stop staring at the wound, the way the blood had started drying on his skin.

Dina restitched the wound once more for good measure, cleaning up the excess blood to try and prevent an infection from starting. Their biggest hurdle was getting Joel onto the horse without causing him anymore pain. Jesse made sure he was comfortable before they headed on their journey back home.

Ellie wasn’t sure if she was more thankful there weren't any infected or raiders on the way back, sleeping huddled together to stay safe. Joel was silent the entire time, hands clutching the saddle as they trotted along. A trip that had taken them five days previously, took nearly three weeks. Ellie’s heart broke watching the way Joel would cling to the hope that he’d see his wife again before realizing how far away they still were.

Tommy had been by the gates when they arrived, screaming at everyone to open the doors and let everyone inside. Ellie could see you pacing back and forth, your eyes full of worry as you waited for them to get inside. This was definitely putting Ellie in your shit list for sure, she couldn’t even manage to keep Joel safe during such a normal supply run.

“We’re gonna need a medic!” Tommy’s voice carried above everyone’s alerting the right people to try and get Joel the help he needed.

He’d gotten paler the longer they rode, hands shaking and weak as he forced himself to keep holding on. Just a few minutes more and he’d be back in bed with you, in the house he’d been able to call home.

“Joel!” You had started crying immediately, running over to where he was standing with Tommy.

The front of his jacket was covered in old blood, it was unfortunate because Joel really did like that jacket, it kept him warm.

“Hi baby girl, sorry I was gone for so long,” Joel pressed a weak kiss to your cheek, frowning when he noticed you’d been crying.

“Joel, I’ve been so worried,” You cupped his face in your hands, noticing how sullen his face was, how sallow his skin looked.

“Just had a little incident, nothing to be worried over,” Joel wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you flush to his chest.

One of the doctors that worked in Jackson came to get Joel and bring him to the infirmary to make sure everything looked good and clean up anything that needed it. You refused to leave his side, hand clutching him. Ellie, along with Dina and Jesse, took all of their findings to the infirmary while avoiding Joel and you as best they could. Ellie wasn’t sure how much Joel remembered of the incident, or if he’d even tell you the truth.

“I have to admit I’m surprised, you guys made out with enough supplies to last us a few years,” People in Jackson were usually more careful about everything they did. Just because you live in paradise, doesn’t mean everything is back to normal.

“We gathered as much as we could there’s still a lot more,” It would be stupid to send them back without more backup, especially if she ran into that girl again.

“I’ll talk to Tommy about sending a different group out, if we can clean the place out we’ll be good for at least a decade or two,” It was risky, but the thought of not having to worry about sickness was nice.

Dina and Jesse bid a quick goodbye before heading to their homes, ready to wash off the last few weeks and get a good night's sleep. Ellie couldn’t move her legs, no matter how much her mind was screaming at her. She could see Joel in the hospital bed, eyes closed as he slept off whatever drugs they had given him. You were watching him, tears sliding down your cheeks as you started to accept that Joel would be okay.

“It’s my fault,” You flinched and threw yourself away from Joel.

“What?” Your brain was still fuzzy, the tears cold on your face.

“Joel got stabbed because of me, he originally didn’t want to go and get the supplies because he was worried about you. I had said that I would go in his place but he left before any of us could stop him. I’m so sorry,” Ellie couldn’t stop the way her bottom lip quivered, the tears that pooled in her eyes.

“Oh sweetheart,” You walked over to where she stood, wrapping your arms around her in a comforting embrace.

Ellie wasn’t sure what emotions were running through her, but she knew that no one had ever hugged her this way except for Joel. Her arms moved slower than the rest of her body, wrapping around your middle and squeezing. You wanted to tell her that everything would be fine, that Joel was stable and the wound was cleaned up. Before you could utter a single word you felt tears soak into the front of your shirt.

“Oh, Ellie, it’s okay baby girl,” That caused the teen to cry harder, gripping onto your shirt as the two of you stood in the middle of the room.

“I just wanted to tell him I was sorry, I thought I was too late,” Her voice was cracking on every other word, emotions getting the better of her.

“You can tell him when he’s back home in a few days, he’s gonna need some time to rest and recuperate,” You could tell from the wound that Ellie had been the one to save his life, she shouldn’t blame herself.

No words were spoken as you comforted the young teen, she needed to see that Joel was truly okay first and foremost. The doctors had made sure there was no infection before dressing the wound, and right now he was knocked out.

“I’ll come and get you personally when Joel’s back home, okay?” You pulled back from the embrace, cupping Ellie’s cheeks gently so that she could pull away if need be.

She simply nodded, eyes still shining with tears as she stared at you. Maybe it was her own way of coping but right now all she wanted to do was cuddle up in bed with a stuffed bear. You smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead before letting her run off. Joel was still asleep, snoring slightly as the medicine worked its magic on his stomach. You’d make sure that Ellie could say her apologies to Joel, maybe rebuild their relationship.

For now, you were going to sit by his side and read, it was going to be a while before Joel could go back home.

[fanficbarbie]

❝sweetest pie❞ faceclaims

─⋆ a/n: Joel and Ellie are obvious but here are some I've been imagining.

Imogen Scott

Greta Onieogou

Madeline Crown

Sabrina Carpenter because I saw her for Lollapalooza

Leonardo Torres

Taylor Zakhar Perez because Red, White, and Royal Blue

[stil-lindigo]

when worlds collide

[abbysslvt]

"I don't have a type-"

oh apocalyptic father figures...

[saintrvckwell]

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life (joel miller x platonic!reader)

joel miller x platonic!reader

summary: perhaps now, twenty one years later, joel finally found the courage to face his fears. aka joel finally allows himself to accept the role he has in your life.

warnings: father-figure joel miller (more like an invitation rather than warning), fluff, slight angst at times, father-daughter duo kind of moments.

words count: 9.5k

a/n: joel miller was always the coolest father but pedro's portrayal took that to a whole new level. dedicated to all the daddy issues strugglers out there (myself included). here's the dad you deserved to have.

ps: this is my first work focused solely on joel's character so be patient with me. <3

enjoy!

"and I will go if you ask me to. and I will stay if you dare."

•

You were a mission, something that was supposed to have a beginning and the end. Someone he was supposed to lead to a given location and walk away. It was supposed to be easy—that what Tess promised to Joel when she begged him to take you, fulfilling her dying wish. How easy it was for her to ask, how difficult it was for Joel to keep that promise.

There was a reason as for why was Joel so reluctant to take you—to temporarily care for you. Reason unknown to you. He was cold from the day you met him; made sure you knew all the rules and understood that whatever role you were going to assign him, he was not going to take it. After all, that was what he promised himself.

To keep his distance, to put the walls up and protect himself from the possibility of being hurt again. But you were too determined to tear them all down.

And at a certain point, he didn’t know for whom he was fighting anymore. To protect himself from you or to protect you from him? You’ve encountered things, places, people and tragedies one could only fear.

And with each strike he took, with each throat he slit before they lied their hands on you, Joel fell deeper. Into the sense of protection that was rising within him each time a danger appeared in your sight. Before he knew it, he was in the same spot he was twenty years ago.

That’s when the breaking point came. And he turned around, grabbed your hand and walked back to the only place that could’ve offered you the life you deserved. And deep down hoped Tess would’ve understood. In the end, he kept the promise—he made sure you were safe, more than that. He gave you the opportunity of the best life you could’ve had, given the fungal conditions around.

And you didn’t protest, didn’t utter a single objection. Because you would’ve followed Joel to the edge of the universe and back.

Or at least to Jackson.

You arrived at dawn, holding tightly onto his back, nearly falling asleep on the horse. The last few weeks you’ve spent outside were taking its toll on you. It was deadly cold out there with temperating falling down every second. You heard his voice, calling out your name three times before you opened your eyes. You were standing by the stables with Joel’s younger brother walking towards you.

“We’re here,” Joel whispered.

“Oh,” you yawned. “I’m sorry,” you pulled your hands away and slowly got off the horse with Tommy immediately offering his help.

“Good to see you,” he smiled politely, “both of you,” his eyes landed on his brother.

You waited outside whilst Joel and Tommy stabled the horse.

“So,” Tommy spoke again as soon as the three of you were together, “how long is it this time?”

And your eyes met with Joel. He shrugged his shoulders and briefly looked at you before his eyes met with Tommy’s again.

Joel was never good with words which you learned pretty quickly. It was all about his subtle actions—that’s how the two of you bonded. For all those days on the road and nights under the dark skies, you never led any deep conversations, instead found a comfort in each other’s presence. In your signals.

Being back in Jackson felt strange at first. Accustoming to such world after months in the wildness was odd to say the least. But it felt easier with Joel by your side—or at least, that’s what you were hoping for since he brought you here. Yet, after a few days in, you couldn’t overlook the way he was trying to distance himself from you.

First, it was about the house.

With the previous one being given to a family that recently came to Jackson, Maria and Tommy had to find a new place for you.

“I wanted you to have something of your own,” Joel admitted one night whilst the two of you were sitting in the kitchen, eating leftovers. “But Maria said they’re full right now. As soon as something opens, I will let you know… if you’d like.”

You were caught off guard by that.

There was a part of you that hoped—no, that took this as a foregone conclusion that you and Joel would be living together. You couldn’t even picture yourself being alone considering how accustomed you’ve gotten to Joel’s constant presence. In certain sense, he represented some sort of safety blanket. He was the reason you came to Jackson in the first place.

Perhaps, you thought, now that his job was done, he might have thought that the two of you should go your separate ways. At the end of the day, he wasn’t your family—just someone who was promised to look after you.

Perhaps, you were not as significant to him as he was to you. There were too many scenarios running through your anxious mind. But you never asked.

Then, it was the patrol duty.

When Tommy showed up at your doorstep, three days after your arrival, he mentioned that kids your age were starting to learn how to shoot so they could join the junior patrol groups.

“You should go,” Joel proposed once Tommy left. “Tommy’s good with guns. You’re going to learn from the best.”

He sounded almost uninterested.

You looked up from your bowl of breakfast, hurt glancing in your eyes.

And he quickly became aware of that.

“What?” he asked and you didn’t know whether it was care or rather annoyance that you heard in his voice.

“You promised you were going to teach me how to shoot.”

There it was again in his eyes—the regret.

He thought, with genuine worry in his heart, that giving you space was what you wanted—what you deserved. Without realising he was hurting you both in the process.

Joel didn’t know how to walk in this, how to approach this new situation he found himself in. He wanted you around, he wanted to make sure were alright. But didn’t know how.

That afternoon, when you left the house to join Tommy and the rest of the kids, Joel was already gone. His brother had him signed on old kinds of duty around the settlement—giving him an opportunity to contribute. And as much as Joel complained and growled, he like the idea of being of use—being needed.

You arrived by the Tipsy Bison, joining the group of kids standing around and registered.

A young man, approximately in his early twenties looked upon the list of names he was holding before his eyes met with yours.

“You’re signed on the East Gate, Tommy’s waiting for you there,” he informed you.

You squeezed the straps of your backpack as you walked by the stables, nervously looking around. You were still trying to adjust but it felt so difficult at times, especially when you were alone. Tommy was nice, considering he most likely knew nothing about you, beside what Joel must have told him. But you didn’t felt that kind of safety you had around Joel.

Joel, who was standing three feet away from you, with riffle hanging over his shoulder.

Maybe he joined the patrol group as well, you thought as you headed towards him.

“Do you know where Tommy is?” you asked as you looked around, looking for his brother.

Joel frowned, almost offended.

“Am I not capable enough?” he mumbled playfully.

You couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on.

“What?”

Before you uttered another mumble of confusion, Joel stepped closer and handed you the riffle.

“C’mon kid, it’s gonna be dark soon.”

The gate opened and Joel headed outside the safety, with you following his steps. There was a smile on your lips as you looked up and saw him, already explaining the route you were going to take—the high spots you were searching for. This was his way of apologising—his way of trying to do better.

Of making sure you knew that.

That day, you spent the whole afternoon together. What was supposed to be a regular two hour training that most kids took Joel turned into five, with the two of you coming back shortly after sundown, already past dinner time. It was the first time in a while you saw Joel genuinely laugh as he watched you struggling to reach the target.

You returned to Jackson with an empty magazine and one successful shot. But as you the two of you were walking home, side by side—it didn’t matter to you. It didn’t matter how terrible your aim was, how much of Tommy’s ammo you waisted. What mattered to you was the look in Joel's eyes, the smile on his lips he had as he was watching you.

He let his guard down, even if it was just for a second. And there he was—the Joel that was watching stars with you on the road.

It was about these moments. They meant whole world to you.

“You hungry?” he asked as you passed the dining hall.

You shook your head. “I’m alright. Besides, I think we’re already past the dinner time.”

“Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat since breakfast,” he commented. “I could make you something at home.”

Home.

It stuck with you.

He didn’t think about it when he said that. Perhaps, that was the revelation you were waiting for. That Joel felt the same way and what you had was, indeed, a home.

Joel’s parental instincts were always there, no matter how determined he was to suppress them. Every night on the road, he stood by your side with gun in his hand, every time you fell asleep without ur blanket, Joel made sure you were tucked in. Each time he promised himself it would be the last. But always failed to do so.

Truth was, without the fear of enemies lurking in every corner and in the safety of Jackson’s settlement, it was easier to slip back into his old, fatherly habits without even realising. Only took a few weeks for Joel to accustom to this life—to having you around every day.

You sat together for breakfast every morning and met by the gates every afternoon after your assignments ended to take you for another shooting lesson.

Month later, you hit three out of six targets. Each time, he stood beside, that proud smirk on his lips. Three weeks after that, you hit five of them. That night, Joel even offered to take you to the movies as a reward for your successful lesson.

You were so excited—you wanted to join the others for so long but didn’t feel like going by yourself so having Joel propose that idea felt quite nice. But after all the training and another two hour long shooting lesson, you started to get weary. Twenty minutes into the movie, your head crashed onto Joel’s shoulder as you slowly fell asleep. His eyes landed on your sleepy face and there it was again—that smile. The one he didn’t have in a while.

Two hours later, you woke up in half empty dining hall.

“Need a hand?” you heard a familiar voice around you, mixed with laughter.

“I got it,” Joel replied.

A few seconds later, Joel’s hand caressed your cheek. “Kid?”

You quickly became aware of your pposition and immediately pulled away, despite the tiredness still wearing off.

“Shit,” you whispered, rubbing your sleepy eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Joel shook his head. “Let’s go get your jacket.”

He got up and you, still not fulling woken up, followed his steps. Joel noticed how somnolent you were, so he walked you to the door, helped you put on the your jacket, wished Maria and Tommy good night before you headed out back to your place.

You were barely seeing above your own feet, tiredness still having power over you as you struggled to keep up with Joel’s pace. Didn’t take long for him to realise that you were two feet behind. He swiftly turned around, rushing towards you.

“I’m so tired,” you yawned. “I just want to lie down.”

“Absolutely not,” Joel mumbled. “Let’s go, we’re two streets away.”

“That’s so far,” you whined. “I could just lie down right here and fall sleep.”

He couldn’t help but laugh over your statement. He stepped closer, threw his hand around your shoulder and pulled you closer to keep you warm. “Two streets and we’re home.”

There it was again.

Being too tired to notice, you paid no mind. This time it was Joel who was caught off guard by his own words. As the two you walked through the quiet streets of his brother’s settlement, it slowly dawned on him. There was no point in denying. It was a home—to you, to him. Even if he wasn’t strong enough to admit it out loud, it was your home.

Three weeks later, Jackson county was covered in snow. Due to an ongoing blizzard, all of Joel’s shooting lessons were postponed until further notice, as Maria prohibited him from taking you outside the settlement in such unpredictable conditions.

That afternoon, she showed up unannounced by the east gate—already figuring out your and Joel’s teaching schedule. To keep the two of you busy, she signed you to decoration duty instead.

As the holiday season was slowly approaching, the whole settlement was getting ready.

Joel’s disgruntlement over her orders couldn’t be more obvious. But he swallowed his need to object and accepted the orders, leaving you in Maria’s hands.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t like those little trips of yours,” Maria admitted whilst the two of you were scavenging the decorations for the Christmas tree Tommy, Joel and other men were putting up.

You shrugged your shoulders, “We’re not going that far. Just around the settlement.”

“Why can’t you just go with the other kids at school?” she asked.

“Don’t you always say that we should only head out there with those we trust?”

She saw the look in your eyes and knew there was no need to say anything more. You knew she meant well—Maria wanted you to adjust to this place, to make friends of your own age. But she was also aware of the fact that separating you from Joel would do more harm than good. She did not agree with most of his actions but still respected that man. After all, he was her family.

That day, you got there late. Joel was already back, sitting in the living room with book in his lap. As interesting as the crime thriller could have been, Joel’s attention was elsewhere. Sitting in an old chair by the window, he was impatiently waiting for your arrival. It was shortly after nine when you came. As soon as he saw you on the porch, he grabbed the book, suddenly finding interest in every line.

You entered the dark hall, seeing the only source of light coming from the living room. That’s when Joel finally looked up, seeing you standing there with snowflakes in your hair.

“Hey, didn’t hear you coming,” he greeted you, closing the book. “How was your decorating duty?”

“How was yours?” you mumbled sarcastically, ready to roll your eyes.

Joel chuckled over your reaction. “Fair enough.”

For a second, the awkward silence crept in until Joel spoke again.

“I grabbed you some food on the way back,” he announced. “Left it in the fridge for you.”

“Oh… thanks,” you whispered, quite taken aback by that gesture. “But uh, Maria took me to dinner…so.”

“It’s okay,” he shook his head.

There was a reassuring smile on his lips—even if it was for a moment.

“By the way…” Joel spoke again, sensing that you wanted to head upstairs. Once he got your attention again, he continued: “Tommy asked me today if we’d want to join him and Maria for Christmas Eve dinner next week.”

We.

You tried to hide that unexpected excitement his words left in you, yet Joel still managed to spot that glimpse of sparks in your eyes.

“It’s not mandatory, so if you don’t want—“

“No!” you interrupted him. “I mean yes… yes, we can go.”

“Oh,” he whispered, surprised by your sudden reaction. “Alright then, I’ll tell Tommy.”

After that, the awkward silence appeared again. You stood there for moment or two before Joel considered that it was time to go—he wished you good night and quietly disappeared upstairs, whilst you stayed there for another second. It was so unusual to see Joel this nervous and you wondered what could’ve been the cause of that.

With the holidays approaching, the thought of the old days was harder to avoid, especially with all those children running around. Everywhere he went, he saw her, saw the memories tied to her. It was easier to avoid those when he lived in Boston. The only haunting things were his nightmares which he usually deadened with a bottle of whisky and sack of pills. But here in Jackson, it was different. There was the glimpse of normal life—as normal as one could get in such world. It was way too easy to look at those luckier than him and wonder what could been.

That could been the root of the problem as for why Joel struggled with the way he felt about you. Each time he grew closer, it frightened him. He was frightened by the idea of encountering the same pain again because he knew that this time—he couldn’t bear through. He couldn’t suffer through the loss of another daughter.

Because that's who you were for Joel.

You were his daughter. Despite the numerous times he tried to fight, despite his inability to express this, deep down, Joel knew it. Even as terrifying as it was to admit it, you were his kid. He never stopped being a dad, he was just now yours.

And when he lied awake that night, he made a decision. Maybe it was time to stop running away from it—to stop running away from you.

When you woke the next morning, something felt different. Dressed up and ready, you ran down the stairs, surprised to see what was in front of you. Lighted and decorated, there was a Christmas tree standing by the fireplace. You couldn’t quite comprehend that sight.

It was barely after eight o’clock. You couldn’t help but wonder when did Joel managed to do this. In the kitchen, you found a message on the table along with a piece of apple pie that he must have brought from the dining hall.

Tommy and I had to leave early, there’s been accident at the power plant. Maria’s going to bring you dinner tonight. We should be back in a few days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.

— Joel

A part of you felt saddened over the thought of Joel possibly missing the Christmas Eve. But at the same time—you couldn’t help but smile over him doing all of this before he left. Putting the Christmas tree, getting you breakfast. He wanted to make sure you would still have good time, despite him missing it.

Later that day, Maria stopped by with dinner. As soon as she entered the hall, she couldn’t overlook the shining Christmas three. You two dined together in silence, washed the dishes and even offered for you to stay at their place until Joel and Tommy return. But as kind as her offer was, you politely declined. That night, you fell asleep on the couch, staring at those lights, hoping Joel was alright.

The blizzard out there wasn’t going away anytime soon. Each morning, whilst walking to your training, you couldn’t stop worrying. You knew he was more than capable of taking care of himself, yet that didn’t stop the ongoing fear that was rising within you each time you came home and he wasn’t there.

The house felt so empty without him there. Even though the two of you spend most of your time in silence or in separate rooms, you both had your comfort in each other’s presence. The idea of Joel being door away from you felt reassuring. Naively, you never thought that could change. In this sense, Jackson has softened you. Those gates around gave you sense of protection.

But he didn’t have that.

Each night, you waited. Sitting in his old chair by the window, you held your switchblade between your fingers and waited until you fell asleep. Fell asleep with a hope and woke with coldness wrapping around your body and disappointment that dawned on you when you found his room empty.

Three days before Christmas, you felt the need to express your anxiousness to Maria.

“The plant is a few of miles away. And with the snowstorm out there, it would be too dangerous to head back in such conditions,” she explained. “They’ll be back soon, you’ll see.”

You knew she was worried as well. But she did much better job at hiding it. She promised you that even if Joel and Tommy didn’t make it in time, you would still celebrate the Christmas Eve, together. And as much as you appreciated that effort—you didn’t care about celebrations of any kind. The only thing you cared about was Joel.

On twenty third of December, the clouds of fog and heavy flakes of snow finally disappeared. Yet there was no sign of Joel nor Tommy. You waited by the East Gate whole afternoon until your fingers felt numb from the coldness. You waited there until the sundown when Maria came to pick you up. You protested, begging her to let you stay up with men from the night watch.

“You’ll wait for him at home,” she insisted. “C’mon, Y/N. You’re freezing.”

But you didn’t care and she knew. But there was no point in fighting with her. You sighed, jumped down from the lookout and with disappointment hidden behind your eyes, you returned to that empty house. That night, you sat in that chair with switchblade in your hand—just like all those previous nights and waited.

On the twenty four of December, Christmas Eve, you were sitting by the kitchen table with Joel’s note in your hand.

“We should be back in a few days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.”

The chances of Joel and Tommy returning before the Christmas dinner were slimmer with each hour that past. At noun, it was decided that small group of patrollers would head to that plant and bring them back. With the weather conditions improving, you knew there must have been a different reason as for why they were still not coming back. And Maria knew it as well, despite her best efforts to keep you calm.

“There’s Christmas dance going on at the hall tonight. We could go if you’d like,” Maria offered when the two of you met at the stables. “Or we could still make the dinner.”

“I think I’ll just stay home,” you whispered, grabbing your backpack from the floor. “I’m quite tired. And I have the kindergarten duty tomorrow, so.”

“Y/N—?”

“Just tired, really,” you interrupted her. “Don’t worry.”

“Alright then,” she sighed, not trying to persuade you. “But tomorrow—dinner at my house. No excuses, six o’clock sharp.”

You felt guilty for declining again. So this time, you agreed to her proposal. After all, you could really use a moment out of your house. Maria meant well, she cared about you and she wasn’t exactly happy with the thought of you being all alone there.

On your way back, you passed the gate again, stayed a second or two and waited. For a moment, you thought you could sneak out tonight and try bribing one of those junior patrols guys at the watch to let you sneak up there. But you knew one of them would tell and you didn’t want to cause any more unnecessary worry for Maria. She already cut you a lot of slack with all those assignments you signed yourself off of.

When the clock stroke eight, you lost all your hope that Joel could make it before midnight. But knew that he wouldn’t want you to stare out of that window forever. So you decided to stop by the Christmas dance to grab a dinner, at least. When you returned, you lit a candle and sat down by the tree. Though as much as you tried, your eyes always landed on that view.

Shortly before midnight, you headed upstairs to his bedroom. His bed has not been made since the day he left. There wasn’t much of sight of him, besides the stuff in the clothes where you were headed. You opened the wooden door and took out his old jacket. Maria forced two of you to get rid of most of your old clothes and gave you new, not ripped and stained ones, but he still kept that one jacket.

You took it off the hanger and put over your sweater. It still had it scent.

With that, you went back and with switchblade in your hand, you sat down on the stairs on the front porch. You heard the celebratory noises coming from the hall but didn’t feel the need to join. Instead, you looked up at the stars.

During one of those night out there, you told Joel how much you loved the constellations and even showed him some of them—which he found profoundly interesting, as much as he tried to tell otherwise.

There you saw it—Big Dipper. The one you showed him, the only one he managed to spot.

That’s when midnight stroke.

And tears rolled down your face. As you looked ahead and saw the darkness.

And a shadow.

Shadow of a man.

For a second, you thought you could blame it on your somnolent mind. But when your name slipped from his lips, twice, it wasn’t your imagination anymore.

It was Joel.

“Joel?” you whispered as you saw him, heading towards you.

You couldn’t quite believe it.

“Joel!” you called out, not waiting another second to rush towards him, meeting him halfway.

He was out of the darkness, standing right there in front of you.

It was him.

But the smile you had on your lips faded away the second you saw a blood seeping through the fabric on his right leg.

“Are you—“ you gasped, eyes landing on his injury.

He immediately realised where your mind went.

“No,” he reassured you, stepping closer. “It’s just an injury, a scratch. Nothing more.”

You noticed the trouble he had whilst walking.

“I still have aid kit in my backpack upstairs,” you mumbled, worried thoughts jumping from one another in your mind. “It’s not much but I can fix it. I could just go and fix it, just let me—“

“Y/N!”

His voice echoed in your ears. Suddenly, he stood right in front of you, his cold hands grabbing both of your puffy cheeks. There was one thing you had in common in that very moment. The fear that rose in both of you, the worry that was put on display when you looked into his eyes. You couldn’t hold it together anymore, despite the efforts.

“I thought,” you gasped between the sobs, “I thought you didn’t come because…”

“No,” Joel reassured you again, this time with a smile on his lips. “See? I didn’t. I’m alright, I’m alright.”

“Joel,” you whimpered, trying to comprehend what was going on.

And as he saw you, standing there in his old jacket, freezing and crying—if there were any remaining walls, they all fell down. In that moment, every single one of his parental instincts kicked the minute he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m alright, kiddo,” he whispered, caressing your hair as you cried out. “I’m alright.”

As soon as you pulled away, Joel threw his hand over your shoulder as you quickly helped him get inside. Sitting him down on the couch, you ran upstairs, throwing the backpack on the bed as you impatiently took out one thing after another until you find the first aid kit. Only then you rushed downstairs, fix Joel’s wounds.

You almost tripped over your own feet.

He was sitting in the same spot, eyes landing on the lightened Christmas tree.

After you sewed his injury, the two of you sat there in silence. Neither of you needed the words in order to embrace the comfort you had in each other’s presence. You sat there, watching the lights until you fell asleep on his shoulder. In that moment—Joel didn’t need anything else. He was home.

“Merry Christmas, kid,” he whispered, looking down on you.

Twenty minutes past midnight, Joel made it.

But then the dawn came.

You woke up, eight hours later, finally without those worries hanging over your head. In the same spot you fell asleep, only with blanket covering your body. It was quiet, peaceful. Until you slowly awakened and your eyes landed on the wall clock above the living room dresser.

Within a second, you were up on your feet.

“Shit!” you yelled out, ignoring the possibility of Joel, still being asleep.

With tiredness wearing off, you tripped over your feet tree times, with each almost landing on your face. You quickly changed your clothes and ran back downstairs.

And there he was.

Leaning against the kitchen desk with cup of coffee in his hand, Joel couldn’t overlook the distress pictured all over you.

“Ever heard of a hairbrush?” he commented your appearance, being in the mood to have a little dig at you.

You didn’t have the time to roll your eyes over his words.

“I’m running late,” you whispered, looking around, trying to find your backpack. “I was supposed be at the kindergarten twenty minutes ago!” you cried out, stressed, trying to find your possessions. “Maria’s going to kill me. And where is that fucking thing?”

“Tried your room?” Joel proposed, visibly being amused by your current state.

“Dammit!” you yelled out, running back upstairs.

Within seconds, you were rushing back down, pushing your switchblade into your back-pocket.

“Gotta go—!” before you managed the disappear outside, Joel’s voice stopped you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he headed towards you.

You turned from the doors, “to my assignment? I already missed most of them this week. Can’t screw this one as well.”

“Where’s your other jacket? The down one that Maria brought the other day?”

You stared at his, utterly confused over that question.

“What?” you shook your head. “What are you talking about?”

“Y/N, it’s freezing out there, you’re not going in this,” he pointed to your windbreaker.

In this moment, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“I don’t have time for this—“

“Y/N, this is not open for discussion,” he stepped closer. “Go and get the other jacket.”

“Joel—!”

“Now, Y/N,” he repeated, admonishing look in his eyes.

He was never more parental than in that moment as he watched you grumpily running upstairs to grab your other jacket.

You came down, clothes changed.

“Now hat, and gloves. Where are your gloves?”

“Seriously?!”

There was something unimaginably funny as he watched you losing your temper when you did a second round of running and came back, redness in your cheeks.

You put it on and looked at Joel, annoyance expressed all over your face.

“Happy?” you mumbled sarcastically, grabbing your backpack from the floor.

“That you’re not going to freeze out there? Yes, I am,” he shrugged his shoulder. “Although,” he stepped closer and pulled the zip of your down jacket up to the top. “Now, I am.”

You rolled your eyes, once again.

He couldn’t help but chuckle over that response.

“You’re warm enough?” he asked.

“I’m sweating like a pig, Joel.”

“Better than freezing, don’t you think?” he couldn’t help but have another dig at you. “If you caught cold, I would be the one running around you.”

“Well, I couldn’t rob you of your favourite I told you moment, could I?” you grinned. “Besides, with this leg… you can barely walk so I don’t know what running you’re talking about, old man.”

He bursted into laughter.

“You're such a stubborn pain the ass, you know that?” he observed between laughs.

But then it happened.

“Okay, dad.”

That one sentence that was supposed to be an innocent joke—a little dig.

Carrying little no meaning.

Until you saw how Joel’s eyes suddenly shifted. And the laughter was no longer there. The spark was gone and he stood there, quiet and frozen. Stiff and numb over your words.

It’s been more than twenty one years since he last heard that.

His heart dropped into his stomach, the world around became too heavy.

There she was, in his mind again. That day, that exact moment. His eyes landed on his watch.

He heard his name coming out of your mouth, three times before he looked up—seeing the genuine worry displayed right in front of him.

“Joel—?“

“Go,” he whispered, so coldly.

You shook your head, confused. “Joel, are you—?”

“Go,” he repeated. “Your assignment is waiting. Leave.”

You stood there for two second, before you heard him again—urging you to leave. All at once, you couldn’t recognise him. You had no idea what caused this strange reaction, but didn’t dare to ask. Instead, you obeyed. You bowed your head and walked out of your house.

Each step you take, the further you were from the house, the more guilt was rising within you. What could you have done to displease him this much?

You’ve experienced Joel’s anger a few times, while the two of you were on the road. To be honest, Joel’s patience was thin and you knew what strings to pull to get him into rage. Him yelling at you became a daily routine at one point. But you’ve never seen him like this. The stare he had, the emptiness in his eyes.

As if you were dead to him. Truth was, you would much rather had him screaming at you than being this eerily quiet.

You arrived to your assignment and quickly got to work, hoping no one would notice your delay. But even with the amount of work you had around, you couldn’t stop thinking about that odd encounter with Joel. What could’ve been that made him so upset?

Could’ve been the joke, you thought. But it was an innocent statement, with not much truth in it. Or was it? Or was it something that accidentally carried more truth that you were willing to let on? Could Joel sense that?

One too many scenarios running through your worried mind.

“Y/N?” Maria’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts.

You looked up and saw her, standing by the door.

“Hey,” you mumbled, putting the basket with toys on the floor. “What’s going on?”

“Just checking in,” she replied, smile on her lips. “I stopped by your place but forgot your had your duty today. Wanted to take Joel to infirmary but looks like you already took care of that.”

“Oh, yeah. It was nothing,” you whispered, eyes landing on the floor, the desire to avoid every conversation that included his name rising with each second. “I have a lot to finish today, so…”

“I won’t keep you any longer,” Maria laughed. “Just wanted to say that since Tommy and Joel got back in one piece, we thought we could have the Christmas dinner today. After all, the holidays are still on.”

“I don’t think Joel’s in mood for celebration of any kind,” you admitted.

“I already talked to him and he agreed.”

So maybe he managed to cool down, you thought. Or at least, you were hoping for that.

Maria stayed for a few more minutes, asking you to come earlier tonight to help prepare the dinner. She freed you from your afternoon assignments to have enough time to change and get ready. You stayed at the kindergarten until one in the afternoon, then helped for two hours at the stables before you headed back to your house.

You learned from her that both Tommy and Joel had a day off so part of you hoped you would run into him. But when you came, the house was empty. Joel’s backpack and gun were lying by the chair but he was nowhere to be found—as you searched every room around. You tried to not think much of that but there were still those doubts inside you.

Luckily, you were running out of time—which meant you had to hurry up and pull yourself out of your worried mind. You didn’t have any decent clothes to wear, except for the regular ones. So you just grabbed a clean sweater, pants and tied your hair up before you headed to Maria’s.

When you arrived, Maria was already cutting the vegetables in the kitchen. You let yourself in, throwing the jacket on the hanger in the hall as she called you in. It was the first time you were in their home as they mostly came to visit you and Joel. It was much bigger than what the two of you had but all those details displayed around implied that they’ve been here for quite some time. Each corner had a track of them. There were pictures on the walls, books on the coffee table with an empty cup, flower pots on the windowsill.

But what caught your attention was a board, resting on the top of the fireplace.

You didn’t mean to snoop but when you saw those names, you couldn’t look away. There were two of them, along with four dates. Took only few seconds for you to realise what this was supposed to meant.

Shivers went down your spine. Especially once you heard Maria calling you again.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, rushing into the kitchen.

“It’s alright, just finish these carrots,” she handed you the knife. “I need to start preparing the meat.”

You took the orders without any objections.

You wondered. Were they Tommy’s or Maria’s children? Or did each belong to one of them? You wouldn’t guess the two of them to experience such loss since they’ve both seen so well put together.

But you knew yourself how easy it was to put up a believable surface. You did that after Tess’s death, despite how painful it was to lose someone so close. You didn’t have any other option. Maybe they were once in a similar position.

Eventually, every person finds a way to live with their pain. They either face it or suppress that, deep down.

You only now realised how important must have been this child to Tommy and Maria. Get a second chance in a world like this was almost a miracle.

“Tommy’s memorial caught your attention?”

Almost as if she read your mind.

You startled, nearly accidentally cutting yourself.

“I wasn’t… you mumbled, embarrassed. “I didn’t… I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Maria looked up, reassuring smile on her lips.

She was kind, like always.

“I’m sorry about your kids.”

So you felt the need to let her know.

Her eyes locked with yours again, “Thank you. Although, just a kid, Kevin.”

“Oh,” you nodded. “So Sarah was Tommy’s daughter?”

“She was his niece,” Maria replied, still preparing the meet.

In that moment, the world around stopped for a second.

Tommy’s niece.

Meaning?

You had to take a deep breath.

“So, she was…” you swallowed, feeling the frog in your throat growing bigger each second.

“Joel’s daughter,” Maria finished your sentence, paying no mind to your current state.

Joel’s daughter.

Joel had a daughter. A daughter just three years younger than you.

You needed a moment to process this.

He used to be someone’s dad.

Then the last piece of the puzzle was found. And the mystery was solved.

And your shattered heart dropped into your stomach.

He used to be a dad.

Suddenly, it all made sense. Suddenly, you’ve never felt worse. For what you said, for being so cruel. All those days, all those moments, all his words—all at once it made sense. It was the last clue you needed to win the prize. Was it worth though, was the question.

“Y/N?” you heard Maria’s voice calling your name.

Three times before you looked up, still a little spaced out.

“He didn’t…” she whispered, putting two and two together. “Oh…”

“That’s alright,” you shook your head. “It’s not your fault.”

You didn’t know how to approach this newly revealed information, how to solve the problem without causing even more of them. Joel was never the most sharing individual, neither of the two of you was. Though you couldn’t blame him. He was keeping this inside of him for more than twenty years. One could one fear how difficult that must have been.

“How did it happen?” you dared to ask.

Maria looked you. She knew this wasn’t her place to talk but still gave in. “I don’t know the details. Just that it was the day of the outbreak.”

You thought there was no chance this could get any worse.

“Day after Joel’s birthday.”

Somehow it did.

And you felt even more guilty for asking these questions in the first place.

You thought of this afternoon, when you were rushing back to your house, hoping you would find Joel there. Now you were on the verge of praying to every none-existent higher power that he could change his mind and not come. You wanted to do everything you could to avoid him, out of the shame that you were feeling.

That of course, did not happened.

At half past six, Tommy arrived from Tipsy Bison with bottle of scotch and smile on his lips. He had a stitch above his eyebrows, meaning both him and Joel were involved in whatever fight that went down at power plant, probably with those raiders Maria kept mentioning. Greeting both of you, he kissed Maria on the cheek, placed on the bottle on the kitchen desk and disappeared upstairs to change his clothes.

Thirty minutes after him, Joel arrived.

You were in the middle of settling the dinner table when you heard the door slam. You paid no mind, placing the four plates on their spots. Only when you turned to get the cutlery, you saw Joel standing by the coffee table—his eyes immediately landing on you.

The fear in your face was difficult to overlook. For a second, your sight shifted from Joel to the memorial board right next to him.

For a second.

Yet he still managed to catch that.

Without a thought, you turned around and headed towards the kitchen to grab the tray with glasses and cutlery. When you came back, you saw him standing on the same spot. Only now, his full attention was directed towards that board before you caught his attention, again.

It didn’t take much for him to realise the nature of your behaviour—beside what happened this morning.

You stood there, staring at the each other. Your heart was pounding louder with each second, hands were sweating, the tray in your hands shaking. Only when Tommy’s voice called out for Joel, you looked away and went to finish your job.

Feeling even more ashamed than before, if it was still possible.

To say the dinner was awkward would have been an understatement. The four of you sat by the table in silence, with mostly Tommy or Maria leading the conversation. Their words and the conversation in general was revolving mainly around Jackson and things related to that as both of them sensed that none of you were in the mood. Maria kept checking on you—she didn’t miss how determined you were to avoid Joel’s eyes.

It was after dinner when you saw him lighten up a little. Tommy grabbed the bottle of scotch and took Joel into his little office space downstairs, right in the entrance hall. Which you and Maria used as an opportunity to wash the dishes.

You placed the dishes right next to the kitchen sink when you heard Tommy’s laugh.

“…it’s time consuming!”

Shortly, it was followed by Joel’s brief laughter. Still, it was nice to know he was easing up.

“It’s that stupid clock joke Tommy heard this morning,” Maria commented as you handed her the dishes, one by one.

There wasn’t any response coming from you. Your mind was too preoccupied for that.

And as much she didn’t want to cross the boundaries, she was worried about you.

“Joel cares about you, you know,” she spoke, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You looked up at her, handing her the plate.

“I’m not really sure about that right now,” you admitted. “Although, I couldn’t really blame him.”

“You worry too much,” Maria chuckled.

“Can you blame me?” you muttered, looking down.

“I had plenty of evidence to be confident in my previous claim.”

“Like what?” you sighed.

“A, he brought you here—“

“I saw him spare a rabbit once. So not leaving me out in the cold is not a strong argument.”

Maria chuckled again.

“He brought here and asked for the two of you to be placed together.”

Wait a minute.

You looked up once more, confused over Maria’s words.

“No,” you shook your head. “Joel said you just didn’t have any other place for me…”

“We have a few houses specifically for kids of your age. Since I knew your situation and wondered if it wouldn’t have been better to be around your peers. I offered that to Joel. But he insisted that you stay under his roof.”

That sudden new information needed a second to process.

You thought that, perhaps, he thought the two of should take your separate ways—that’s why he mentioned that you should have a place of your own. When in reality, he wanted you around. He asked to have you around.

“What’s B?”

Maria took a deep breath and placed the plate into the sink.

“It’s tough to lose a child, in any kind of world, fungal or not. And it is even harder to allow yourself to care this way again, for somebody else. Which is why you might have felt like he was pushing you away at times, maybe even right now. But despite his actions saying otherwise at times, you mean a whole world for him. You are his whole world.”

You wanted to believe every word of that statement. Because that’s what Joel was to you. After everything you’ve encountered, Joel was the closest thing to a family one could have in this world. And you wanted to believe that you carried that value for him as well.

“You just have to cut him some slack. He might be scared,” she continued.

“Scared of what?”

“Scared of having another chance to be a parent. It’s way too easy to screw that job, in every world.”

Maybe all you needed to understand Joel was one conversation with someone who was once in the same position.

Suddenly, each attribute of Joel’s personality, each strange detail about him pulled together a one, bigger picture. Although the losses in your life might not have been as traumatic as those of Joel’s, you were starting to understand him. And deep down, hoped that you didn’t blow up all your chances to fix what you’ve broken.

That evening, you headed home first. After you helped Maria clean everything, you asked her to tell Joel that you were tired and left early. Even though there was a part of you, wanting to run after him and apologise, you couldn’t do it. Once you heard his laugh, you knew you owed him a moment of peace. Your conversation could wait for another day or two.

It was first time since this morning there was even the slightest amusement on his face. Could’ve been the simple stupidity of that joke, the bizarreness that somehow made him chuckle. He stood there, leaning against the grey wall with scotch in his hand, trying so hard to suppress those laughs.

“You can laugh, it’s funny,” Tommy teased him, finishing the rest of his drink. “It’s a great joke.”

“A really lame one,” Joel commented, squeezing the glass in his hands.

“Well, you never really had a good sense of humour so,” Tommy chuckled.

Joel shrugged his shoulders over that statement, partially agreeing before he drank the rest of his liquid courage.

It was getting late, he wanted to head home and get some rest. He handed Tommy the empty glass, patted his shoulder and gave him a fleeting smile—enough to let him know that he was thankful for the distractions. Only then he went into the living room, looking for you.

He found Maria instead.

She knew the answer he came for in the first place.

“She left a few minutes ago,” Maria answered the implied question. “But she left this in here,” she turned around and grabbed pair of green gloves. “Could you give that to her?”

Joel nodded, bitting his lower lip, slowly immersing into his thoughts.

“Well,” he snapped out his head after a second, squeezing the gloves in his hands, “I should probably go too. Thank you for the dinner, though.”

“My pleasure,” she smiled.

He knew where he was going. Yet before he made a single step, the memorial board caught his sight again. He was aware of not always being the most pleasurable human being to others around, though he always justified that by saying that he was only trying to protect himself. But when he visited today, for the first time, and saw the board—there was regret. For, maybe, being too harsh at times.

Everyone was carrying around their own kind of pain. Some were just too good at hiding it.

So before he left, he turned to Maria.

“Listen,” he cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. “About…”

She knew where he was headed. And wanted to spare him the difficulties.

“I know,” she whispered. “Me too…”

Nothing else needed to be said, they both understood.

With that, Joel grabbed the rest of his stuff and set off.

As he walked through the streets, seeing the lights hanging on the houses and snowflakes falling to the ground, his mind wondered. Towards you, towards this morning. Part of him felt guilty for pushing you away so suddenly. You must have meant it as a joke, he thought. That’s what he’s been trying to tell himself the whole day.

Yet there was a part of him. Part of him that was terrified of you, being serious with that title. Joel came to terms with the way he felt about you, with the amount of care and sense of protection he had for you. But why was the idea of you feeling the same way about him so frightening? Why was it so easy to accept you as daughter but hesitate to become your father? He was in this same position twenty one years ago. And he couldn’t promise to not fail again.

There was guilt. Guilt he was carrying around for more than twenty years. Guilt of failing, for not being the father Sarah deserved to have in that moment. And it felt selfish of him to put another child through that. Maria was right. It was scary to have another chance with something so fragile. Perhaps, he should’ve just walked away, could’ve given up.

But somehow found himself standing in front of your door. With pair of green gloves in his hands and shame in his eyes.

He knocked on the door two times to make sure you were still awake. Only when he heard your voice, he let himself in.

You were standing by your closet, carefully folding your things.

Somehow, in this moment, seeing you so accustomed this place, it made Joel happy.

Then he saw the curiousness in your eyes and panicked. For a second, he panicked, overthinking his actions.

“Maria,” he mumbled, looking for the right words, “Maria… Maria said you left this at their place,” he finished his attempted and stepped closer into the room.

Your eyes landed on the pair of gloves in Joel’s hands.

“Oh…” you raised your eyebrows. “But these… these are not mine. I gave them back to Maria weeks ago because they were too small for me…”

You stopped for a moment and realised she achieved exactly what she wanted with that gesture. And you couldn’t help but chuckle over that.

Joel, on the other hand, couldn’t ignore the embarrassment rising within him.

Quickly, you saw that. Saw him clearing his throat and placing the gloves on the edge of your bed.

He stood there, for a second or two and you wondered if, perhaps, there was more to his visit. You looked into his eyes and saw the struggle—saw how desperately he was trying to find the appropriate approach to this situation and took this as an opportunity to set things right.

“Listen,” you whispered, catching his attention. “I just…”

You both struggled with finding the right words.

Placing the clothes you were holding just a second ago onto the closet shelf, you stepped closer to him.

“I’m sorry for what I've said this morning. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t know that—“

The shame he had in his eyes was now glancing in yours. And he saw that, saw every bit of that.

That’s why he stopped you.

“No,” he shook his head. “Y/N, please no.”

He followed your lead and stepped closer, sitting down on the edge of your bed as the frustrated sigh left his mouth.

“It’s not your fault. How could you know…”

It was the first time you saw Joel like this. It was the first you spoke of this.

There was hurt in his voice and you knew he must have been trying to suppress that for quite some time.

You quietly joined him, eyes landing on the floor.

“Maria told you?” he asked, filling up the hollow silence.

“I saw the memorial Tommy made… you probably figure the rest,” you whispered.

Joel nodded.

“Don’t be mad at her, please. I swear, if I knew… I wouldn’t—“

He finally looked into your eyes, stopping your words. “Y/N, it’s alright. I am not mad at her.”

There was a sense of relief that flew through your body.

Although, there was also one question remaining.

“What about me?” you dared to ask.

He heard the tone of your voice and saw the worry in your eyes.

There it was, the confrontation he couldn’t keep running away from. For a moment, the hollow silence returned just as your fears. In the same exact moment that Joel finally decided to face his.

“If you think about me this way, if you feel about me this way… then I don’t… I don’t mind if you want to call me that.”

That certainly was not what you were expecting.

But it turned out to be better.

“I’m trying to say that even though I can’t promise you that I’m worthy of that title… if you want me to have that role in your life…” he whispered.

“I thought you already had that,” you admitted.

The shock in his eyes was evident.

“Listen,” you whispered, turning to him. “I was on my own for most of the time before Tess finally found me and brought me to you. I’ve never had anyone like that. So I don’t have much to compare with. But if dad is supposed to be someone who makes you feel safe, who feels like home, then for me, Joel, you are worthy of that title.”

There it was. It was no longer just an assumption but a long lasting wish. He got the truth, got what he wished for and feared at the same time.

“Depends on if you want it.”

In that moment, he wanted to allow himself to want it. But in order to do that. There was one last step remaining.

Joel needed to forgive himself.

He needed to finally put down that baggage of guilt he’s been wearing around for twenty one years. He needed once and for all, stop looking behind him. And look ahead and take the opportunity the universe gave him.

Perhaps, you were what he needed to achieve that. By making sure you were safe, he would able to forgive himself for failing at that twenty one years ago. Deep down, he knew, she would never want him to wear his sadness around his neck. There would always be a part of her in Joel, nothing was going to change that. But maybe now, he was finally able to make space for you, too. To be your dad.

You heard the chuckles and looked up again. And there he was, looking down at his something to fight for. His whole world.

He smiled quietly and replied, “I do, kiddo.”

And when the word left your mouth, calling him that officially for the very first time, he barely managed to hold it together. Every remaining piece of his baggage disappeared, every last piece of the sadness he was wearing around his neck fell down as he finally put his guilt to rest.

And he kept the promise he gave. To both of his daughters.

[rvjaa]

TAKE IT SLOW, KID

joel miller x platonic!reader

summary; He saves you from the cruel life you’ve had but is it a mistake now after you begin to see him as a father-figure?

warnings; angst, violence, mentions of death, slight trauma?,

a/n; This is my first tlou fic so bare with me 😭 I hope the story makes sense like it did in my head and sorry if theres any mistakes, english isn’t my first language :)

word count; 2,1k

Joel, like everyone else living in this fucked up world had changed after september 26th. His cold, ruthless demeanor had developed after his Sarah had died in his arms. He had convinced to himself that the paternal part of him was long gone and what remained was just a shell of a man, he had swore himself never getting too close with too many people, or trusting them.

Until he saw you, lying on the ground while two grown ass men were beating you, a teenager, a kid. The feeling he swore would never come out again, he felt it in the pit of his stomach. Suddenly he was holding Sarah, his baby girl again while she bled to death and all the memories, the painful feelings he tried to push down were coming back up again. He needed to walk away, he needed to suppress the feelings away but he just couldn’t, he couldn’t walk away because the painful screams you were letting you were getting to him.

He went to an autopilot, surged towards the men and the only goal was to save you. After he managed to scare the men and he slowly came up to you “hey kid, cmon up” he extended a hand towards you. You shook and slowly lifted your small hand in his, he pulled you up “wheres your parents kid?” he asked after he flinched his hand away from yours.

You knew you probably shouldn’t trust this stranger but he saved you from those men who have taunted you a while. His presence scared you but you felt safe. But after he asked you that question you shut down and he could probably see it. “Don’t know, probably dead. Thanks for saving me I should go-“ you said not wanting to get out of the conversation as soon as possible because you knew that the fedra people would come looking for you. But he stopped you before you could even take a step. “Slow down kid, where are you going to go then?” he asked. “I don’t know, I’m thankful but I can’t stay here” you said looking pleadingly at his eyes. He sighed “You’re a kid, should have a home at least.”

You look at your feet now, painful memories coming up how everyone you loved left you. “I don’t” is the only thing you get out

———————————————————————

“Tess where is the kid!” You hear Joel yell after he came back to his small home. Tess is not here but Michael is who is now holding a knife to your throat, you hear Joel yell your name and you know he’s looking for you.

“One fucking word and I kill you and the grandpa after you” you hear Michael behind you speak. Tears are now rolling down your eyes and you hope that Joel doesn’t come to the room, but at the same time you want him to save you. You want him to protect you from this man behind you but you know you shouldn’t hope that.

“This ‘ain’t funny anymore kid!” You hear his voice and you let out a sob. “Shut the fuck up bitch” you hear from behind you. Suddenly the door is being pushed open and you see him, the man who has saved you now multiple occasions and took to his home, gave you a bed and food. Something no one has done for you.

“Joel” you creek out while tears are rolling down you cheeks, you see the panic in his eyes. You never really cried in front of him before. “Look man I don’t want to fight, I only want the girl. Just let us go and nothing bad will happen” you hear Michael speak behind you. You know he’s scared of Joel but it didn’t stop him from coming for you.

Joel looks at him and sighs “fine” and he steps away from the room. What? No. No no no. He can’t do this to you. You let out a sob “I told you shut up you fucking stupid ass kid” michael says and you feel him move the knife and it makes a small cut to your throat.

He’s pushing you out of the room and you can’t even look at Joel, he’s abandoning you just like everyone else. You thought you could trust him, the times you had to hold yourself back from calling him dad after he took care of you are now haunting you while you walk towards his front door.

“What the fuc-“ you hear that man suddenly speak behind you and hes pulled off you and being stabbed by Joel. You stare at him, in shock. He had said yes- he actually didn’t mean it? You fall to your knees, the panic still tearing your insides. You start to sob, you can’t breathe. Why can’t you breathe? It feels like everything is slowing down. Suddenly you feel someone, a palm pressing down on your cheek “kid, hey everything is okay” You hear a muffled voice speaking.

“look at me, hey! Slow down kid” You finally recognize the voice, it’s dad- Joel. It’s Joel, he saved you, you’re okay. You look up to him now, you see an emotion you can’t quite understand. “Dad?” you say weakly, still not breathing evenly and immediately regret it because you see it in his eyes, the shock and you feel him physically tense up.

Joel never thought someone would be calling him that again, he does see Sarah in you. Whenever you let out a little laugh or you tease him about him he can’t help but think his baby girl. But now you’re shaking because you thought he would let them take you. “It’s okay, everything is okay, I got you” he forces out. He know that you’re smart and he knows you probably noticed the way he tensed after you called him.. that.

“I-i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have called you that I-“ you imminent go back into a panic mode and apologize profusely. Joel says your name softly “its okay, slip ups happen” he says and you flinch but don’t say anything else.

You get up, avoiding Joels gaze and walking back to the room you claimed as yours. You close the door behind you after you hear Joels voice call after you. You can’t, you can’t look at him. It pains you how desperately you want him to accept you as what? His daughter? You know that there was a child, his child who died and you know it pains him so why are you even thinking this? Curling to the bed and pulling the sheets up to hide from the world but you hear joel open the door and step inside.

Tears are rolling down now, you don’t know why and you refuse to let Joel see it so you just hide your face from him. He says your name again and he sits down next to your curled up legs. “Look kid- I’m sorry I had you thinkin’ that I was going to let them take you. I swear that I would never do that to you” He says to you.

You sit up now but still don’t look at his face, you know he can see the tears now, “You- You should’ve let him.” you say to him “I know” you pause and wipe your tears “I know i’m a big burden on you and Tess and-“ you continue but Joel shuts you down “Thats not true. Kid you are no where close to being a burden” he says to you. You feel your head spin and suddenly you remeber the cut michael gave you, and lift a finger to feel it and you see your blood, you look at Joel and he already has the things to treat the wound.

Hes getting up and kneeling down in front of you, “I’m going to clean it first and then bandage it up, okay?” he says and you are just nodding. He does it fast as possible and it doesn’t hurt too bad. Now he’s looking at you “Joel I- thank you. And I’m sorry-“ he shakes his head and says “You have nothing to apologize for kid, I’m sorry for not keeping you safe enough” and that is what breaks you. You crumble and start sobbing, you hide your face in your hands in shame for not being stronger to hold it in. “Oh baby girl, it’s okay let it out” You hear Joel say while hes pulling you to his arms and he hugs you “he was going to kill me and- and” you say “I know, I know, shh” he says and rocks you side to side gently “he said he was going to kill you after me I- dad-“ you sob in to his shoulder not even noticing that you called him that again, but he does.

Joel feels it in his guts, “baby shh, i’m fine. Everything is okay” and he stays there until you calm down.

He notices your steady breathing and he realizes that you fell asleep on him, he sighs and gently places you to the bed. He knows this is not a good life for a kid, he found you when you were about 11years old and he watched you grow right in front of him. You are older now but still a kid, he knows he’s attached to you but he pushes the thoughts down and quietly leaves the room after tucking you in.

——

“Joel!” He hears you scream and he’s up in a flash “dad?” you yell and he bursts in to your room to see you toss in you bed. He walks over to you “Hey kid, wake up everything is okay” he gently shakes you and you don’t wake up. He says your name but you still don’t open your eyes but you’re still panicking about something in your dream “no please no don’t hurt him please, hes all i have” you yell.

Now he’s shaking you again but with a little more force “baby girl” he says and you shoot up and breathe unsteadily. He sees the panic in your eyes while you look at him “hey i’m here, you’re okay” he says to you and he sees you start examining him “you’re okay” you say and then he realizes, you weren’t worried about yourself at all. He has always knew you were selfless and tender hearted like many kids but he didn’t realize you were so worried about him “i’m okay baby, i’m okay” he says and looks at you with gentle eyes. Suddenly you throw your arms around him, he didn’t expect that but hugs you back regardless.

“You know you remind me of my daugher Sarah” he starts and he feels you tense slightly. “You don’t need to talk about it Joel, I know it’s a touchy subject” you say with a crooked voice. His heart tugs and he continues “I want to tell you about her, she had a beautiful smile just like yours and- and she was a snarky girl like you” his voice cracks. All the memories flood back, his Sarah just after she was born, her first day at school and when she repaired his watch for him for his birthday.

“She would’ve liked you kid, and you would have liked her.” he says and puts his palm to the back of your head and sighs. “I would have, she seems like she was a great person” you answer him.

“I had a sister.” you start. Trying to stay calm you continue “She was my best friend, she was all I had after my parents.. She protected me from the world and I owe her everything. She-“ you can’t keep your tears away anymore. Joel gives you time to gather yourself “After we got into the QZ they separated us and put me in the fedra school and she had to work. The first time i saw her after they separated us was when she was about to leave to smuggle something for more rationcards because she was struggling. I insisted that I would come with her because she was all I had, she said yes and we went outside.” You continue while trying to gather yourself “We got stuck in a building and there were so many of them, the- the infected chased us around the building until we found a door and I stared to open it but it was jammed but I managed, I stepped outside and she.. didn’t come out, i heard her say that she loves me and get back to the QZ and I stood there, while the infected were ripping my sister to pieces I-“ you choke up a sob “I listened her screams and I fucking couldn’t do anything I- I couldn’t move, maybe if i convinced her not to go she still would be-“ you couldn’t continue, sobbing to Joels shirt while he slowly rubs your back.

“It’s not your fault.” Is the only thing he says while he tries to calm you down. “It’s not your fault” he says again.

[heartpascal]

if the door wasn’t shut

▹— joel miller x platonic!f!reader

▹— summary: months of travelling with joel and ellie come crashing down on you, the fear is suffocating.

▹— a/n: i don’t like the second half of this one D: but i made you guys wait long enough so i apologise!!! been super busy so this is v rushed but i hope you enjoy nonetheless

▹— warnings: angst, loss of loved ones, tlou ep 5/6 spoilers, father figure joel, reader is really scared, not proofread

masterlist | PART TWO

howl’s song associations!

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Had you known that those days in Boston QZ would’ve been the last peaceful ones for a long time, you think you might’ve treasured them more. Held them closer, let the edges sharpen when you thought of them, rather than seeing only blurred images, the memories faded.

You wouldn’t have believed it if somebody had told you. The life you lived in Boston was flawed, at best, but it was your life. Filled with violence and bloodshed, sure, but there were things you could control. Things that Joel and Tess had always made sure you could control.

Out in the wide world, the facade of control that the two adults had always kept up crumbled to dust in your hands, lost to Infected and hunters and shelters in the strangest places.

It was a difficult shift in your reality, and you tried to hide it from Joel. He had already given you so much, hell, he and Tess had provided you with a home, even when they had no obligation to do so. You owed them more than your life.

When you had met Ellie, you immediately disliked her. She grated on you, her biting words and humorous comments doing nothing but fueling your growing dislike of her. She was childish — she acted her age, showed her fear, and it was something you just couldn’t understand. You were far too used to closing down the emotion behind your eyes, to shutting away all of your baggage in a box deep in your mind.

It had worn you down, eventually. Hating her was much harder than you expected it to be, especially when she looked at you for the understanding she knew you possessed. You even watched as Joel softened up to her, far faster than he had done with you, and you couldn’t help but follow in his example, as you always tried to do.

Hushed conversations when following Joel’s tense figure, something young passing over you, something that had seemed so… far away. You had always thought that bonds like this could only exist in the world before your own, trust Ellie to prove you wrong.

But one gained friendship didn’t quite make up for all the losses. It was Tess, to start with. Something that had singed your lungs and left you breathing the smoke, something of choked words leaving you when she had revealed the bite on her shoulder. She had looked at you, that understanding passing through her eyes, grief for a life she wouldn’t get to live. You understood the gaze far more than you wanted to, and you knew that the burns scarring your insides wouldn’t fade for a very long time.

Then, it was finding out that Bill and Frank were gone.

It seemed wrong. Something so untouchable, so guarded, how could it possibly be gone? You couldn’t understand it, couldn’t understand how the few people you valued seemed to be dropping away before your very eyes, faster than you could even reach for them.

The journey seemed pointless to you, after that.

Though you felt for Ellie, that selfishness that had always been drilled into you rushed in, drowning out the empathy towards her cause. It left you with something empty inside of your chest, and you couldn’t figure out a way to fill it. You weren’t sure you wanted to.

It only got worse.

Warm days turned colder, the nights going to something nearby freezing, and then there was the events of Kansas City. You had been so sure Joel was going to die, that you and Ellie would follow soon after, that you couldn’t move. Your legs seemed frozen to the spot, and even as you heard the struggle in the other room, it didn’t quite register.

It was only when Ellie managed to get Joel through to the room you were hidden in that you managed to snap out of your fear-induced haze. Your eyes were cloudy, and after that, it was so hard to focus.

You and Ellie had found some comfort when Sam showed up alongside his older brother, Henry. They were a breath of fresh air in the hellscape of a city, and for once, you witnessed true childhood. Saw it in the way Sam scribbled on his board, in the way he laughed at whatever Ellie had written on it. It was contagious, almost.

That was probably the happiest you had been since leaving Boston, and it all fell apart so quickly. Like the first sparks of a fire squandered by the downpour of a storm.

You can’t even remember much of it. Not the big parts, anyway. You remember the little things, like the colour of Sam’s hoodie, or the splinters you got from the floorboards as you fell backwards, scrambled away from the only semblance of childhood you’d ever had. You remember looking to Henry, something in your chest begging to be let out, but choking on it before it could escape. Your remember the sound of something splattering against the wall, and you remember Joel touching your arm after the burial.

Everything was blurring together, but one thing stood out; that overwhelming fear that threatened to sweep you away with every sound you heard, every flash of movement in darkness, every loss you witnessed.

Each day it became harder to shake away the haze to your eyes, harder to feel something other than scared, harder to close that box in your brain and leave those big feelings in there. It became so prevalent, all of it weighing you down, pressing tightly against your shoulders, and somewhere along the line you knew that Joel and Ellie had noticed.

Whether it was your withdrawn behaviour, or the gaping hole ripped into your chest, you weren’t entirely sure. But they knew. Perhaps not to the extent that you believed them to, but they knew something wasn’t quite right.

And now it was the cold threatening to take the three of you — it was freezing the blood in your veins, the air in your lungs, and you really weren’t sure how much more of this you could take. It had been months since Henry and Sam, but it felt like it had been both no time at all, yet so far away. Everything still felt so raw, so fresh, despite time passing as normally as ever.

Joel had somehow managed to find winter supplies for the three of you, consisting of a coat and gloves, a hat that you let Ellie take. It was enough to keep you all alive, but it didn’t stop the chill seeping into your very bones, making it feel all the more harder to keep going.

It got to the point where you just didn’t want to. Couldn’t.

“Come on,” Joel said, your name falling from him as he patted your shoulder, all of his supplies already packed up, “Time to go.”

Getting up seemed impossible, so you didn’t. Just let your eyes glaze over and watched as Joel and Ellie grabbed their weapons, glancing outside of the cabin you’d taken refuge in. Joel looked back to you, his eyebrows furrowing as he noticed you hadn’t packed up any of your things, hadn’t even moved.

He looked at Ellie, frowning when she noticed, too. He made his way over, crouching down with aching knees, and placed a hand on your shoulder.

“Kid, we gotta get moving.” Joel said, shaking your shoulder the slightest to gather your attention. You just looked at him, shaking your head. “C’mon. We don’t have time for this.”

“I don’t wanna go anymore, Joel.” You told him, finally admitting the words that sounded so much like defeat. You hated that the world had won, but you were so tired of fighting that you just couldn’t bring yourself to do anything but lose.

Joel shook his head, eyebrows creasing, an expression close to dumbfounded crossing his face. He couldn’t understand.

“We’re closer than we’ve ever been!” Ellie said encouragingly, the biggest smile she could muster on her face. You couldn’t bring yourself to look in her direction, instead looking down to where your fingers pulled at the loose threads on your sleeping bag.

“I can’t,” You said, much closer to tears than you had even realised. “I can’t keep doing this. Joel, I wanna go home.”

His frown just deepened, uncertainty present in every feature on his face. Joel didn’t know how to handle this, and there really wasn’t that much time to do so.

“Kid…” He sighed, before sitting down properly beside you with a pained breath.

“No, Joel, I— I want to go back. I want all of this to go away. I want Tess.” You admitted, heart pounding so hard just at the mention of the woman you had lost, and it was painful. Your chest aches the more you thought about it, and there was the realisation that you were homesick. Though you weren’t sure if that’s as for Boston, or for Tess.

“There is no goin’ back, kiddo. Tess… she’s gone. Nothin’ we can do about it.” Joel said, taking a moment to steady the shake in his voice after saying her name. It was just as painful for him as it was for you.

“I’m… I’m scared.” You confessed, voice barely a whisper, but it echoed around the empty walls of the cabin. The confession almost scared Joel, he knew you preferred to keep everything locked tightly, never admitting to the fear he knew was there. “All the time,” You continued, lips trembling around the words, “And it’s all I can think about. I can’t keep doing this. Every time we meet something I just get so scared, I can’t move, can’t speak.”

“It’s okay to be scared—” Joel tried.

“No, it’s not! It’s like I’m frozen, and every time, I lose someone. I can’t watch you guys die. I can’t do it.” You cut him off, the tears falling from your eyes as you looked at Joel.

He couldn’t do much more than frown, unsure how he could fix something like this. He knew the feeling more than you could imagine, so familiar it was the clearest thing he could remember. Joel had felt this way for years, but he was an adult. He had people relying on him, he couldn’t shut down in the way he knew you wanted to.

“We’re not gonna die,” Joel said, hesitantly. It was stupid to make promises in this world, especially when danger and the unknown lurked around every corner. “We’re all goin’ to be just fine. Listen to me, kid, we’re gonna get this done, and then we’re all gonna find somewhere, no infected, and we’ll just live. But we need to get through this, first.”

You shook your head, turning away from him, and he glanced to where Ellie stood, the guilt flooded onto her face.

“You two listenin’?” Joel asked, beginning to pick up your things and shove them into your backpack. “We’re getting close now. It’s almost over. Got nothin’ to worry about.”

“He’s right,” Ellie said, quietly, passing Joel something to put in your bag. “Let’s just get this over with.”

They packed up your things around you, Joel grabbing your arms to help you to your feet, and Ellie linked arms with you as soon as you were up. Together, they managed to get you out of the cabin, back out into the cold.

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You had been so sure that one of you was going to die when the people on horses showed up, guns trained on each of you in turn. You thought it was going to be Joel when he shoved you and Ellie behind him, his head spinning around, taking count of the people who were a danger to you.

Then, they brought out their dog, and your heart stopped when they directed it towards Ellie. It was going to be her, you were almost sure of it, thought that it would get a whiff of something from the bite scarred over her forearm.

You held your breath for a long time, not able to let it go even when the dog settled, playing happily with Ellie. Surely, these people would shoot you, regardless. They certainly didn’t seem very friendly.

But no, they were taking you back to their town, with you and Joel sharing a horse while Ellie rode on her own. You’d never ridden on a horse, and before, you may have enjoyed the experience, but you could only feel that suffocating fear that made you choke on your words, so scared that these people were taking you to their town just to kill you. Or worse. You’d heard of people who do worse.

You couldn’t get the words out to express your concern to Joel, forced to stay silent and cling on to him as the three of you made your way past the walls, surrounded by strangers. You shared a look with Ellie, that nervous understanding shared between the two of you once more.

Your fingers twitch, aching to wrap around your gun, but that was the first thing these people had taken. Then it was your knife. And then the axe Joel had you storing in the side of your bag. It didn’t help that helpless feeling, that fear clogging your throat.

Joel’s tense frame loosens suddenly, something like relief sinking into his bones as he shouts, “Tommy!” A man immediately looking up from where he was stood atop of some scaffolding. Joel slides off of the horse, handing the reigns to you, before meeting his brother halfway in a tight hug.

Ellie frowns, and you understand the furrow to her brows as you looked at Joel and his brother. He was all the two of you had.

The two of you stick together as you follow Joel to wherever his brother is leading the three of you, sharing nervous glances and only just about relaxing when you’re seated with hot meals in front of you.

You did your best to tune as much of the conversation out as possible, even ignoring Joel’s comment about slowing down, as you shoved as much food as you could into your mouth while the opportunity was there. After all, who knew how long this would last?

Ellie kicked your leg when Tommy mentioned about a tour, the two of you reluctantly leaving your plates behind to follow the three adults. Maria went on with her touring speech, talking about when and how they settled in the town, with Tommy pitching in about the shared resources. It was only when she talked about separating you and Ellie from Joel that your attention was really caught.

“Joel.” You said, urgency in your voice, a pleading look sent his way as he wrung his hands together, his brother already heading in his direction.

“You’ll be fine.” He said to you and Ellie, nodding in your direction and missing the look of defeat you and Ellie shared as he walked away.

“Shall we?” Maria asked, looking between you and Ellie. She was half-turned away already, but caught the way you both gazed nervously at Joel’s turned back. The two of you nodded, following behind her as she made her way through the town, clearly as familiar to her as the back of her hand.

Ellie answered all of Maria’s idle questions whilst walking alongside her, though her answers were slightly withdrawn. It comforted you, even the slightest bit, to know that you weren’t the only one who was feeling distrustful towards this place. That you weren’t the only one on edge.

Maria opened the door to the house you, Ellie and Joel were meant to be staying in, swatting a hand in front of her face as dust rose up from the untouched surfaces.

“Homely.” Ellie commented, stepping around Maria to peek into the living room, and then the kitchen, whilst you remained beside the door with Maria.

“It’s not much, but it’ll keep you warm. And it’s got running water.” Maria said, despite this being more than any of you had had in a very long time. She smiled tightly at you, head dipping as she looked around. “Make yourselves at home.”

“When do I get my gun back?” You asked, probably the most you had spoken since your slight… outburst at the cabin, just a few days prior.

“Kids ‘round here aren’t armed. Nobody is.” Maria answered, eyebrows creased as she looked at you.

“Right, well I’m not a part of your commune, or whatever, so I want back what’s mine.” You replied, with more heat to the words than would’ve been considered respectful. You couldn’t really find it in yourself to care, though, because how were you meant to defend yourselves if you had no weapons? Especially considering Maria clearly didn’t want Joel here, and by extension, you and Ellie.

Maria sighed, a slight exhale from her nose, and you stepped away from her, looking towards Ellie, who stared right back at you with something nervous in her gaze. “We’ll talk about all this later, okay? How about you guys go take a shower, and I’ll grab you some new clothes.”

Ellie nodded, practically leaping up the stairs, and you heard doors slamming open until she finally found the bathroom, yelling an: “Aha!”

“There’s just the one shower in this house, but if you wanna have one now, mine and Tommy’s house is just across the street.” Maria offered, kindly.

“I’d rather wait.” You replied, voice snappier than you expected it to be, but you bounded up the stairs and flopped down in the first room you found.

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Ellie had taken forever in the shower, so it was a while before you finally took your turn. As much as you hated to admit it, the warm water cleared away much of your bitterness towards this place. It felt good. Finally being clean, properly clean, after going so long living off of what little you could take when travelling across the country. You hadn't had a shower like this since Bill and Frank’s — and you hated thinking of it.

Maria had been around earlier, bringing two piles of clothes hanging in each arm, dumping them on the bed outside of the bathroom Ellie had been showering in. You hadn’t acknowledged her, so she had nodded and left quickly.

You didn’t exactly enjoy feeling like you owed anybody anything, but you had to admit that slipping on the clean clothes that Maria had left felt good. Wearing the long sleeved t-shirt underneath a thick jumper was probably the warmest you’d been in a long time, not that you would’ve admitted that to anybody.

The small part of you that had been numbed for the past few weeks began to thaw, and you felt almost embarrassed of how you had treated Maria earlier on — despite you having every right to act in such a manner. So, with a huffed breath of annoyance, you decided to follow the note the woman had left, and made your way across the street.

She had shouted to come in almost as soon as you had knocked, and you opened the door hesitantly.

The first thing you noticed was the sound of hair scissors, and it sent a pang through your chest. Then you heard Maria and Ellie chatting, and followed the noise. The chalkboard in her living room caught your eye, and you frowned as you passed by it.

“What’s going on?” You asked, eyebrows drawn together as you stepped into the room to see Ellie putting up her short hair.

“Just a trim,” Maria said, waving the scissors in her hand, “You’re up next.”

She noticed the way you tensed, drawing your arms back up towards your chest as your eyebrows furrowed further. It was defensive, the way you immediately curled in on yourself.

“No, no, I— I don’t want my hair cut.” By you were the words missing from the sentence, going unsaid but not unheard as one of your hands reached up to hold onto the too-long ends of your hair. They were splintering, and unhealthy, but you couldn’t do it.

The last person to cut your hair had been Tess — a memory you treasured, held so close that it almost hurt to think about. It was one of those things that had come naturally at the time, but felt so taken for granted once Tess was gone. You could remember the evenings so clearly, one of the only times that she allowed herself to come across as something almost maternal.

It would feel like you were betraying her, her memory, to allow someone else to take scissors to your hair. It was a job that belonged to Tess, and Tess only. You pretended it didn't hurt, the length your hair had grown. She would’ve never let it get this long.

Maria frowned, but seemed to take your defensive words and body language for a good enough answer. She placed the scissors on the counter, an act of truce, if you had ever seen one.

“Okay,” She said, hands up in surrender, before she reached to the counter and grabbed the coat that had been laid there. “Here, put this on. We’re going to the movies.”

You had no choice but to do so, tugging the coat on and resorting to holding it closed with your arms folded across your chest when your fingers trembled on the zipper. Ellie glanced at you with a frown, and checked you were following her and Maria out of the door, just huffing out a small sigh as you closed the door behind you, hurrying to catch up.

Sitting around a bunch of kids was one of the weirdest things to happen to you. You’d spent most of your life surrounded by only Joel and Tess, occasionally Bill and Frank, hell — Ellie was the first person your age that you’d really spoken to. After everything the two of you had been through, being surrounded by children felt much stranger to you than being surrounded by adults.

You could understand adults, to a certain extent. Kids… were a different story. So transfixed on the movie projected on the wall ahead, which you couldn’t understand. You felt vulnerable, sat in the middle of the room. Out of the loop, even, as adults watched and chatted around the edges of the room.

It was why you went to find Maria whilst Ellie followed Tommy out of the place, confused on why she had brought you here. “What am I meant to be doing here?” You asked her, when you finally found her standing to the side, gazing at the movie.

“We’re at the movies,” She laughed, saying your name, “You’re meant to be watching the movie.”

“Why?” You asked, incredulously, because how did this help anybody? Watching fake people in an image against the wall might’ve fascinated you, but you were nervous. Paranoid. At any moment, they could have people breaking into the town, knocking down the walls, anything… so why waste time and people watching a movie? To you, it would’ve made more sense to have more of these people stationed as guards.

“Entertainment,” Maria offered, moving from where she had been leaning against the half-wall. “Whatever you wanna call it. You’re not out in the wilderness, anymore. You’re safe. Take some time, enjoy the film.” She told you, and you hated the sympathy that she held in her gaze.

You moved to say something, but followed Maria’s gaze to see Tommy walking back through the doors. Without another word to her, you were shoving your way through the crowd and pushing the door open, back out into the cold air.

By the time you found your way to the house on Rancher Street, both doors at the top of the stairs were tightly shut. You frowned, unsure why they would’ve shut them, and made your way up to the room Ellie was in.

“Ellie?” You whispered into the darkness of the room, seeing her turned away from the door as she lay on the bed. She was still, and remained quiet. With a sigh, you closed the door and crossed the hall, opening Joel’s door with the same results.

You tiptoed back downstairs, frowning as you laid a blanket across the couch, swatting the dust that rose to the air.

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Waking up to an empty house stirred the panic that you had been storing away. You felt frantic as you tumbled up the stairs, ripping the covers away from the unmade beds as if Ellie or Joel could’ve been hiding beneath them. But finding nothing just made everything so much worse, because what if you were right all along?

Anybody could’ve come into the house, caught the two of them off guard, and what could they have done? All of your weapons were taken from you, which meant no defence, and no deterrent.

You were ripping the kitchen apart before you could think to do much else, pulling drawers out and sending the dusty contents crashing to the floor. In the end, you found nothing of use — the sharp cutlery had long since been taken, leaving dust in the empty compartment that should’ve held knives.

Your last resort was the plate you had smashed against the counter, leaving a dent in the material upon impact. Blood trickled down your cheek from a minuscule cut, the result of a tiny piece of ceramic. You grabbed the sharpest piece of the plate in a gloved hand, and marched out of the front door.

Upon entering Tommy and Maria’s house, you were greeted with nothing but silence, despite the impact the door had made against the wall when you had opened it. A small piece of paper on their kitchen counter caught your eye, and you snatched it up.

Going to the stables first thing. Love you - Tommy.

The edge of the paper was crinkled, and you figured that Maria must’ve seen it already.

Your run to the stables was frantic, and not at all subtle. People stared as you practically sprinted across the town, almost slipping on patches of ice that blended in with the snow. “Slow down, girl!” Somebody had shouted at you as you passed, but you just gripped the sharp ceramic tighter, barely feeling the way it had begun to tear at your glove.

“Joel, Ellie!” You shouted, almost hysterically, as you finally saw the two of them. Ellie was already sat upon a horse, holding the reins as Joel spoke to his brother. They both turned to face you as you approached, an almost defeated look matching each other’s expressions. “What—What’s going on?” You asked, stumbling into Joel and feeling him grasp on to your shoulders to get you to finally stop.

Joel shared a look with Tommy, who looked back at him with what was almost sympathy.

“Kid, I…” He sighed, rubbing a gloved hand down his face as his speech trailed off.

“What?” You snapped, gripping the ceramic tighter.

“Listen to me,” Joel said, his hand squeezing your shoulder as he said the words. “Me and Ellie are heading to the University—”

“Let—Let me grab my bag.” You told him, trying to turn away but feeling his grip tighten before he turned you back to face him, a bracing expression on his face. He looked almost pained.

“You’re not listening!” He told you, sounding far too close to frustration. “Me and Ellie. Not you.” He repeated, watching carefully the way your furrowed eyebrows fell, something so similar to grief presenting itself in the way your whole expression fell apart.

You looked to Ellie, only to find her gaze averted, and shook your head as you turned back to Joel. “What? You’re— You’re what? Leaving me behind?”

“It’s not fair for us to ask you to—”

You cut him off, stumbling back and away from his hands, and watched as they fell from the air where they had held on to you. “It’s not fair?” You asked, trembling from something other than the cold as you looked at the only man you had ever trusted.

The ceramic in your palm fell to the ground, fibres of your glove clinging to the edges of it. Joel frowned.

“Not fair?” You repeated, at the sound of their silence. “You know what’s not fair, Joel?” You questioned, stepping forward to push your hands against his chest, feeling your chest ache when he did nothing to stop you. “Following you two, all this way, just for you to fucking abandon me!”

“We’re not abandoning you!” Ellie said, then, her voice sounding just as childish as the words did. Because if they weren’t abandoning you, what were they doing? They hadn’t even said goodbye — if it weren’t for you running out here, after waking up to find them gone, you might have never even seen them again.

“Yes, you are!” You yelled at here, feeling your throat clog up as your vision went cloudy, “And after everything…—”

You stared between them, waiting for them to have a response, but neither of them did.

“I lost everything, following you here. Everything! It’s all gone. Tess…” You trailed off, feeling tears bubble at the corners of your eyes as you said her name. It was a betrayal, more than anything. If it weren’t for this whole adventure, Tess would’ve been alive. Bill and Frank, maybe not, but Tess.

“That ain’t fair, kiddo, we—”

“None of this has been fair. None of it! And you—you were just going to fucking leave me! How’s that for fair?” You asked desperately, despite knowing that no answer they could give would be what you wanted. All of your fear over losing them, it had never considered that they may leave of their own accord.

Maria said your name, approaching from behind you, and you didn't flinch when she placed a hand on your shoulder. You missed the pain on Joel’s face at the way you allowed her to comfort you, but had moved away from his attempts. She pulled you a step back from him, and another, until she finally turned you away as your tears spilled over.

Tommy shook his head when Joel made a move to follow the two of you, and you pretended not to notice their gazes on you as they strode by.

“How could they just…” Your voice broke off at the edges, and you felt the haze to your eyes returning as you looked at Maria, the realisation that you were alone hitting you harder than any of your fear ever had. That was fear; a possibility of what could happen, whereas this… this was reality.

And your reality was that nobody loved you enough to stay.

PART TWO

[prentissluvr]

feverish — joel miller

gn!reader, platonic!reader, fatherfigure!joel , sickfic , cw : mentions of fever & coughing, sickness in general, mostly unedited , wc : 1K , anon i hope you enjoy it !! <333

joel notices immediately when you begin lagging behind him and ellie. but you don’t say anything, so neither does he, just pausing occasionally to let you catch up.

in the end, it’s ellie who says something.

“hey, are you okay?” she asks you once you’re all settled by the fire. joel, whose attention seems to be solely on the meat he’s cooking, is peering at you subtly, listening intently for your reaction.

“i’m fine,” you wave off her concern, “just a little tired today, is all.” your answer’s not a complete lie, it’s true that you’re tired, but what you don’t tell them is the way you can feel the sickness starting to settle in your bones. really, it was yesterday you first started feeling it, but it hadn’t begun to slow you down until a few hours into hiking today.

“well then, we’d better get to sleep right after eating,” joel advises. “best get as much sleep as you can for tomorrow.”

you heed his advice, curling into your sleeping bag the moment you can in hopes that good enough rest will prevent you from truly falling ill. ellie talks for a few minutes the way she normally does before sleeping, but joel cuts her off earlier than normal tonight for your sake. with that reasoning, she actually listens to him and settles down to sleep herself.

—

your hopes of escaping sickness are unfairly stolen from you in the morning when you wake up with the sun, groggy and completely out of it. your nose is stuffy, throat sore, and limbs heavy when you rustle about in your covers. you just turn to your side and do your best to drift back into what turns out to be a quite restless sleep.

the next time you wake, it’s to ellie gently nudging your shoulder for you to get up as joel finishes cleaning up camp. you groan in protest, halfheartedly pushing her away.

“it’s almost time to go,” she says, “joel let you sleep in.”

you let out a huff of breath, wishing you could lay in bed all day before struggling to sit up. rubbing at your eyes, you take in the state of your tired, compromised body and decide it’s certainly best if you say nothing about it. no reason to make anyone worry or slow down your journey.

so you push past your discomfort, standing up and quickly packing up your bag. but your plans to cover up your sickness do not go as well as planned when you begin coughing and sniffling uncontrollably.

about the fourth time you lean against a tree to support yourself during a coughing bout, joel stops completely, handing you water and waiting until you’re done to speak.

“you’re gettin’ sick, kid,” he states, very aware that you’ve been quiet in order to prevent causing an inconvenience to him and ellie. you shake your head, so he continues. “you can let us know if you’re not feeling well, you know? that’s not something you can control. what d’ you say we make camp early and rest for the day?”

“no!” you exclaim, “no, that’s alright, i’m fine. i swear. i don’t even feel that sick, it just sounds like it,” you try to explain away the actual extent of your sickness.

he says your name, gentle and firm like the hand he places on your shoulder. “you look like you could fall over any second. i ain’t buying any of that, alright? you need to rest so that you don’t get more sick, you understand me?

you want to keep trying, to convince him and a watching ellie that you’re fine, but it seems you can never argue with that tone of voice he uses when he’s truly serious about something.

“fine,” you relent with a sigh, feeling half grateful, half guilty, and one hundred percent sick as you trek along until you find an appropriate campground.

joel orders you to lay down when you try and help set up, only asking you to move once a fire is going so that you can soak up it’s warmth. as you lay there, it seems as if all of your stubbornness is catching up to you, and you can’t resist it when your eyes drift closed despite the sun still being clear in the sky.

with a mind too groggy with sickness and sleep, you don’t process much even when you’re awake. ellie stays close by to your laying form, silently worried by the sickness that’s visible in your face and the coughs that wrack your body. she jumps up each time joel asks her to do anything, eager to help you rather than just sit by and do nothing. joel too is dedicated to caring for you, his soft palm feeling your forehead for signs of fever as you slip in and out of sleep. he does his best to create a broth from bones and freshly hunted meat throughout the hours that you sleep for you to eat when you wake.

when you squirm uncomfortably in your sleep with your brows furrowed, he does his best to calm your distress with gentle touches. past memories of caring for a sick child are clear in his head, both hurting his heart but helping him to help you the best he can.

you try to resist his help again once you wake, but the weakness in your limbs doesn’t let you get far, so your resolve crumbles far faster this time. he helps you drink and eat all while ellie does her best to cheer you up with corny jokes and over exaggerated retellings of things that have happened throughout your journey all together. it works well, her words resulting in your laughing so hard that you begin to cough and a non-threatening glare from joel in her direction.

but soon, you tire again, so joel insists you go back to sleep, just as twilight fades into total darkness. you don’t argue this time, nor at all the next day as he and ellie patiently nurse you back to health until you’re spry and well again.

[ellieslittleburrow]

Requested by : @mymelodymia : you can't fall asleep. And clingy you needs to be around someone. Joel is -forced- to help. And Ellie is there to make sure you regret it.

Warnings : none, just internal swearing

Pairings : Joel Miller x daughter!reader /Ellie x platonic-sister!reader

----

It's been a few months since you've been traveling with Ellie and Joel. Your friendship with both of them has been developping smoothly. As well as their own with each other.

While on a nightly stop out in central wyoming, Ellie had taken watch so that you and Joel could get some sleep....Joel could get some sleep. His snores, as uneven as they were, pierced the space. And you couldn't sleep. Not because of the constant tiring irritating snoring, but just because you simply couldn't.

Giving up and getting out of the uncomfortably thin matress, you shuffle your feet, roaming around the cave and then out to find Ellie.

But she was walking away.

"Where are you going?" Your voice booms, causing Ellie to duck and turn around.

"Go to sleep, what are you doing up at this hour?"

Honestly....you do not know. You shrugged.

"Go back to bed, man."

"I can take over..."

"No. You already took watch yesterday. Go to sleep."

Ughhhh. There's no way you'll be able to fall asleep. You unfortunately knew yourself too much. Nothing could stop that irritating feeling of wanting to be close to someon-

Hmmm.....

You head towards Joel, and stop a few inches away from him, squatting down to get closer to his face. You didn't want to scare him(no. You'd love to scare him but his fast reflexes would have you end up with a broken neck)

"Joel.." you whispered. But no sign of life from the man. So you tapped his shoulder, starting gently and going harder and harder, violating his shoulder until he huffed.

"What?"

You fidged, shrugging. "Nothinng." It sounds more like a question and Joel goes silent.

"Then why are you waking me up?"

You go quiet yourself...darting your eyes away from him even though the moon was straight behind you, meaning that all was lit BUT your face.

"Mmmm....well...."

"Spill." The man seems to be impatient.

"Can i...i can't sleep. Can i sleep with you-"

"No."

Uh-but you haven't even finished your sentence.

"Hear me out, joel-i"

"No. No. No. Go back to the other room and force yourself to sleep. It's much safer there anyways."

You slouch your shoulders. "But i don't caaare...i want to sleep here." You sternly argue, having made the decision that tonight, you choose.

"No." Joel says again as he shifts his head for a better sleeping position. "Now let me sleep."

"Okay then." You respond, sitting down on the ground. "Then i wont stop talking until you change your mind." You cross your arms over your chest, your brain fishing for things to blabber about for as long as it will take.

If you can't sleep, might as well benefit from your free time.

And then you start blabbering, about random things like the sky....the cold...El-

"Okay."

Well, that was quick. You think.

Joel shifts his body to the side, reaching for the space behind before he pats it and you hop over him and lay beside him, your back facing his.

You grin, quickly accomodating yourself to a comfortable position.

"Sleep." Joel commands but....you can't. The warmth radiating out of his body is too damn comfy. You might not be...in his arms. But you haven't been this close to him ever. And it feels....good. You don't think you'll fall asleep anytime soon...although..your eyes are suddenly feeling heavy...Damn...how long as it been since you've felt such physical and mental warmt-......

----

"Wakey wakey little missy."

Snatched out of a beautifully blurry dream, your eyes violently open to a blinding light, causing you to shut them even more violently.

Hell....what in the f-

"Look who's finally up."

You might be deeply disoriented from the sleep you've just been kidnapped from, but that annoying little voice will never be one you can't easily recognize. Not only is it the voice but it's also the sacrcastic tone of-

"Ellie, what the hell do you wan-"

You squint to find yourself staring at a horizontal Ellie. You proceed to move but a pair of hands turn out to be wrapped around your chest. You try to free yourself but the arms around tighten their grip, causing a quick panic to set-

You spin your head around, meeting a pair of half closed eyes-you're envelloped in Joel's arms-

When did that happen?

"Joel." You gently nudge the man's stomach, earning yourself a groan. "Joel let go of me." Your voice is as low as it can get. It's not a whisper, it's just a worried tone. Worried about the crippling smirk painted on Ellie's dumb fucking face.

You know her well enough to know what she's thinking about and you just-you can-

"Joooell...."Your roar comes out as a whine.

A deep inhale tickles your ear and Joel seems to be annoyed but he only wraps his arm around you tighter.

"Let gooooooo....."

Your eyes search for something to fixate on as your face flushes red. You're embarrassed and you want to hide, but Ellie's....persistent. and Joel doesn't seem to want to l-

"Nope." He doesnt seem to want to let go.

"Joel, shes gonna be making fun of m-"

"No. You're stuck here." He groans, stretching his body without letting go of you. "She'll make fun of you wether you're in my arms or not, better take the ooportunity and enjoy this new pillow i got for free." Your da-Joel's voice is soft and reassuring.

And deep down, you'd rather he stays like that forever....You know what? Fuck Ellie.

You turn around, facing his chest. You're still too shy to look up, but this- his earthy(stinky) shirt and the soft puffing of his chest as he inhales-this..is enough for now.

"Mmmmm." You whine, keeping that annoyed salty tone to not have them know....but..they know. And it's not really that much of a problem. You just....like being in your dad's arms and you want to enjoy the moment.

-----

Hiiii babe! I really really hope you like this. It was really fun to write. But wtf is that ending omg. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for your sweet comments 🪷🪷🪷

[skoulsons]

Thinking about winter and their physical affection and now literally none of these happen under happy circumstances.

[savemefromanepicoftimewasted]

Why Does Change Hurt So Much? Pt. 2

Joel Miller X F!Reader Ellie Williams X Dina

Joel knew deep down he wouldn't be able to erase the memories of his past, nor could he hide the damage he had done. He just needed to accept it was time to move on, things would never be the same

a/n:thank you so much to everyone who read part 1! warnings:mentions of suicide/being suicidal, blood, near death experiences, self doubt, if I missed any please inbox me! Part 1 Part 3 Part 4

Ellie watched the infirmary like a hawk everyday to see when Joel would finally be released to go back home. She needed to talk to him, to discuss things without it blowing up in her face and causing one of the only people she cared about to get hurt. Tommy had promised he would tell her when he went home if she was out on patrol. What she hadn’t been expecting was for Maria to send her out with the group that was to get the last of the medical supplies from the hospital. It had to be a joke, she’d been waiting for Joel to get better so that they could talk and now she wanted Ellie to just up and leave for who knows how long?

Jesse had been the one to convince her that if she did something that could benefit everyone in Jackson maybe Joel would be a little more willing to talk. It was the day they’d left that Joel was allowed to go back home, an hour before Ellie was on horseback Joel was stumbling into his living room. Tommy lied and said he was still in the bed for a few more days, claiming he’d sparked a small fever. It wasn’t Joel that was asking Tommy to lie for him, though it wouldn’t be the first time. No, it was you begging the younger Miller brother not to tell Ellie what was going on.

You held no anger towards her, knowing the risk that was leaving the walls of Jackson to go on a journey, but Joel was still healing. The stitches left behind a scar, directly next to the one that Ellie had had to sew all those years ago. Maybe that was why you were so afraid to let her near him right now, Joel had gotten hurt and it was enough to scare you. You’d spent hours talking while he laid in bed, from the last time he’d been in this same position, to what would happen next. Joel wanted to talk things out with Ellie, to put everything in the past and just move on, but he wasn’t sure where they could go from there.

“Baby, I can make coffee for myself you don’t need to worry,” Joel was staring you down, refusing to let you wait on him hand and foot anymore.

“Please Joel? I had to watch you basically become comatose for a week, the last thing I want to worry about is you hurting yourself,” You weren’t above begging, had done it on plenty occasions when it came to Joel.

He sighed softly, pushing away from the counter to let you take over for him. You smiled softly at him before finishing the simple task. Joel was thankful you weren’t set out on patrols, though Tommy never said as to why. It had been a thought that lingered in the back of his mind for the first few months of your relationship but he’d eventually moved on. You went to ask if he wanted anything to eat alongside his coffee before a small knock caught your attention. Shit, this wasn’t the best time for this to happen.

“Do you want to get the door?” Normally you’d run over to prevent Joel from seeing Ellie so soon, but you wanted them to talk.

“Oh I’m allowed to open the door but not make my own coffee?” His tone was teasing, and although you knew that meant he was in a good mood it could sour in an instant.

Ellie was twisting her fingers together, a nervous tick she’d picked up over the years that she hadn’t managed to shake. The sound of the door opening brought her attention back to the now, staring up at Joel as he stared down at her. You couldn’t look away from the coffee in front of you, unsure of what you’d say if you were confronted as well. Cold air was pouring into the kitchen as Joel and Ellie stared at one another, both staying completely silent.

“Hey, can we talk please?” It was a repeat of that day all over again, down to the damn coffee.

“Yeah, we can talk inside,” Joel moved away from the door, waiting for Ellie to step inside before shutting it tight.

You pushed the plunger down on the press once the coffee was ready, pouring a cup for Joel and offering one to Ellie. She politely declined, saying she never developed a taste for it. It had been something Joel teased her about for years before she’d hated him. Joel sat down in the chair slowly, being careful of his side that was still healing. Ellie sat across from him, watching the way he took the mug from you gently. She’d never been around couples enough to know when people were truly in love, but this? She could see the way Joel lit up when you were around, how much he wanted to pull you into his lap and smother your face with kisses. You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before excusing yourself from the room, it was time for the two of them to talk about everything.

“Joel, I’m sorry,” Ellie wasn’t sure how she should start the conversation but it just slipped out.

“Ellie, I really don’t want to argue about this again,” Joel had gone through a million different scenarios while in the infirmary, and each one led back to the same dead end.

“I don’t want to argue with you Joel, I want to figure out how we can finally move past all the bullshit,” She’d talked with Jesse and Dina during the most recent trip, they offered the best advice they could but neither could truly understand the issues at hand.

Joel frowned, pulling the mug to his lips and letting the warm coffee slide down his throat. He’d barely remembered the ride back from the hospital, but he knew it was Ellie that helped get him home. That didn’t change things though, deep down he knew she was still hurt by his actions and that would never erase everything. It was selfish, possibly even a little bit stupid but Joel never claimed to be highly intelligent when it came to those he cared about. He crossed over half the country in search of his brother.

“You look at her differently than you looked at Tess,” Oh that was definitely the wrong thing to say.

“Tess and I were never together like that, it was too dangerous to get close in the QZ,” Joel’s grip tightened on the mug, his voice pitching an octave lower.

“She made it pretty obvious that she loved you before it all went to shit,” Ellie couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, eyes widening in fear as she watched his expression morph into one of pure rage.

“You don’t think I know that? She was one of the first people I started to trust during all this shit, she was the first friend I had in years! So do not sit there and act like I wasn’t aware of how Tess felt about me,” Joel pushed away from the table harshly, stumbling over to the kitchen sink.

You had been eavesdropping from around the corner, a hand pressed against your mouth to prevent the heartbroken gasp that slipped through your lips. Joel had told you about Tess, about how he’d cared about her but was too afraid to let himself just be. How they’d met Bill and Frank through the radio and had amazing lunches made by Bill. You’d wanted to make those same kinds of memories together, but you didn’t want to overshadow how much those people meant to him.

“I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, and when you live in a place where people aren’t even fucking honest when they get bit, it’s a little hard to get close,” Ellie had heard the amount of people being murdered in the streets, hearing their horrified screams.

“Then why start a relationship in the first place?” Maybe it was a low blow, but Ellie hadn’t been in a serious relationship before.

“Because I did love her, but I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be,” Joel rinsed out the cup, grimacing at how much coffee he had wasted.

Joel had closed himself off for years, not willing to let anyone past the barrier that was his heart for the rest of his days. It wasn’t until Ellie had pushed him away that he’d even realized just how lonely he was. And now here you were, the wife he’d never thought he’d have after living much too long into the apocalypse. He was watching his brother and sister-in-law become the parents he once was.

“I was the reason you got stabbed, if I hadn’t run into the room when you and Tommy were arguing we’d have all gone back to Jackson and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt,” Ellie blamed herself for a lot of different things, but this was one of the main ones.

“Ellie-” 

“No, had you not left to go and get any of the supplies you would have gone back home to be with your wife, but instead you got stabbed and had a bunch of kids making sure you didn't die on the way home,” It was a reminder of the before.

Joel had never blamed her, he’d always known there would be risks while patrolling or even going on supply runs, it just happens. The girl who’d stabbed him had come up on his right side, noticing how he didn’t react to absolutely anything until the blade dug deep. Joel wanted to yell, to get their attention so desperately, but there was someone else in the room. It was better just to just slowly bleed out and die.

“Ellie, I knew the risks of going on that run even before I got onto my horse that day, you don’t need to blame yourself,” He could see your shadow from where you were leaning against the wall that separated the living room and kitchen.

“You got stabbed, again!” Ellie was slightly hysterical, more angry with herself than anything.

“People aren’t always going to be friendly, I don’t think they even realized that the three of you were there,” He’d had nightmares of that scenario happening all over, except he wasn’t the one being stabbed.

At first it was Ellie, and then Dina, Tommy, and then finally you. He’d refused to sleep after he watched you bleed out in his arms, tears streaking down his cheeks. It didn’t matter that you were asleep next to him, head pillowed on your arms as you slept so peacefully.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” This was it, Joel was about to lay everything out on the table so there were no longer any secrets between them.

“What’s wrong?” Ellie perked up in her seat, all attention focused solely on the older man.

“Back when we weren’t talking I may have been a little reckless. I’d only kept myself alive because I wanted to make sure that you would be alright, and once you found out the truth” Joel sighed to himself, this wasn’t going to be easy.

“I didn’t care whether I lived or died anymore, Tommy would send me out on patrols and supply runs and I just got careless. I nearly got myself killed more times in those few months than I did when I was still doing runs for the QZ,” It was shameful to admit Joel hadn’t wanted to survive.

It felt like a dirty secret, he hadn’t even told you how much he hated being alive during that time, even after you’d first gotten together he kept that part of himself hidden. Maybe it was because his first attempt had been unsuccessful, and losing another kid broke him down. It took for his little niece to be born for things to finally change, his brushes with death were over.

“Your wifes really nice, she didn’t even get mad at me when I told her it was my fault you got hurt,” Ellie had been nearly inconsolable that day, crying into the fabric of your shirt.

“That’s who she is as a person, I couldn’t ask for a better life partner,” Joel twirled the ring on his finger absentmindedly. 

“I’m really sorry about what I said that night, you were just being protective and I got angry because of it,” Joel knew Ellie could fight her own battles, she was stronger than everyone gave her credit for.

Joel just nodded, eyes glazed over as he stared down at the floor, memories flooding his mind as the world continued on around him. What would have happened if he’d succumbed to his injuries during that supply run? Would Ellie have blamed herself for his death the way he blamed himself for why she hated him?

“I never wanted you to have to deal with people being assholes over something like that, you deserve to be happy,” Joel had always been a supportive person, why did it matter who someone chose to spend their life with?

“Thanks,” Was it that obvious that Ellie and Dina were together? She’d kept it quiet for Jesse’s sake, even if he already knew.

“I just wanted to let you know I understand, if you don’t want to move past everything then I can’t stop you, but well, I miss you kid,” Joel could feel the way his throat was closing, choking up slightly.

Ellie threw herself out of the chair, wrapping her arms around him as he embraced her in a tight bear hug, ignoring his still healing side. It would never erase what Joel had done, or that he’d lied to her for over two years, but he wanted to work on it all.

“Tommy’s sending me out on another supply run, we won’t be as far away but I’ll be gone for a little bit,” Ellie knew Joel would worry like a mother hen, it was simply in his nature.

“Thank you for telling me,” Joel squeezed her a little bit tighter, smiling to himself.

They were going to work on their relationship one day at a time, and eventually things wouldn’t be so tense, right?

◤──•~❉᯽❉~•──◥

Ellie had been gone for a little over two weeks when the incident happened. Joel had seen everyone off, telling Ellie and Jesse to be on watch whenever they were out in the open with no easy places to hide. Ellie had promised to keep an eye on everyone and make sure no one got the upper hand. It warmed his heart how much she truly listened to him, even if he hadn’t listened to himself at times. 

He’d gone to the tipsy bison to grab some dinner and a drink with Tommy so they could catch up while you and Maria were with the baby. It didn’t matter how old she was, Joel would always refer to his niece as a little baby.

“I heard you and Ellie finally made up, took you long enough,” Tommy snickered, his hair graying more on the sides as he stared at his older brother.

“We sat down and had a conversation about everything, it was a long time coming,” Joel knew he played a big part in why they’d stopped speaking, and as much as he wanted to apologize prior, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Well I think it’s great, you two were as thick as thieves before it all went down,” Tommy finished off the last of his burger, groaning as he leaned back in his seat.

Joel chuckled as he watched Tommy unbuckle his belt, he couldn’t count on one hand the amount of times he’d had to do the same whenever you cooked for him.

“We’re still working on things, but for now it’s all good,” Joel wiped his hands off before grabbing for his whiskey.

He’d be working off the carbs tomorrow during his usual shift, but for right now he was simply enjoying the meal and conversation. Maybe he’d surprise you during your own shift and take you over for lunch, that’d be fun.

“I’m gonna get back and grab the wife, I’ve gotta get up early to help with the horses tomorrow,” Joel was thankful they stopped sending him on patrols, moreso because he wanted to be around for you more.

“Tell Maria I’ll be back in a few, gonna stop by the woodmaker and see how Emily’s new bed frame is coming along,” Joel nodded to his brother before heading out.

The air was crisp and colder than he’d been expecting, even if it was in the dead of winter Joel still preferred the warmth of the summer. He could barely hear the sounds of his own boots as he made the way to Tommy and Maria’s house. It was close to where you and he were currently living which was nice. As he turned down to one of the side paths to the house an arm wrapped around his throat as someone kicked the backs of his knees until he was on the ground. The arm tightened before letting him go, watching as he slammed into the ground.

He lifted his head to see what the hell was going on before coming face to, well knee, with Seth. Shit, this was definitely going to end badly if Seth was coming after him where no one could see him.

“Thanks to you and your little cunt daughter I got put on shit duty,” Seth slammed the heel of his boot into Joel’s side, snickering as the sound of agony ripped from the older man’s throat.

“Deserve to rot in hell you fucking asshole,” The two other men took turns kicking into any space on Joel’s body they could reach.

Joel wasn’t surprised that Seth had been demoted, it happened to anyone that stepped out of line and went after someone in the commune. He held his arms over his head to try and protect himself, too weak to try and get up and fight off the attackers. The sickening crunch that echoed in the air caught Joel’s attention immediately. Blood filled his throat within seconds, cutting off any and all air flow he had.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!” Tommy’s voice startled Seth who was ready to strike another nearly fatal blow.

“Go!” Seth turned and ran, leaving Joel’s battered body lying on the ground.

The other two men fled in different directions, too scared to be confronted by one of the “leaders” of Jackson. Joel couldn’t move, coughing blood onto the packed snow that laid beneath him. Wasn’t this just the sight to see, Joel Miller would meet his end because of some homophobic asshole.

“Shit! Someone get a doctor!” Now Tommy’s voice carried a lot of authority, and even if Joel would scoff that anyone would listen, right now he was thankful someone came to his aid.

Joel was losing consciousness slowly, eyes slipping closed as he accepted the fact he would most likely never wake up. The pain was unbearable, tearing apart his body as they got him to the infirmary as fast as they could manage. He was knocked out within minutes of arrival, the town's surgeon getting ready for what would be his riskiest procedure in years.

You had gotten worried as the minutes turned into hours, surely they wouldn’t get drunk when they were both due to be at the stables tomorrow. Maria was sitting with Emily, trying to help her eat the carrots she’d cooked. It warmed your heart to watch how much of an amazing mother that Maria was, and how caring she was. The door slammed open as Tommy ran inside, the front of his shirt covered in blood. He didn’t stop to answer any of Maria’s questions before he grabbed his gun and ran back out the door.

“You..you don’t think this has anything to do with Joel, right?” Your heart was racing, he had to be okay, he just had to be.

“I’m sure he’s okay, but if you want to go check I’ll make sure to hold down the fort,” Maria wouldn’t fault you for worrying about your husband, it was natural.

You nodded towards the other woman before fleeing the house, watching as Tommy gathered a group of people to “hunt down the bastards that hurt him”. It was, something had happened to Joel and you were just finding out. Tommy had realized you were outside, cursing to himself before walking towards you. It was as if your fight or flight kicked in as you bolted towards the infirmary, if Joel had been seriously injured this is where they’d take him.

Bursting through the door it took two different people to prevent you from finding where Joel had been taken. It was serious, if you weren’t allowed to be where he was then it was truly that serious.

“Please! What happened to him?” You were hysterical, tears sliding down your cheeks as you begged for any answer.

“It looks like he got jumped, they managed to break one of his ribs which punctured his lung, they’re doing everything they can to make sure that he’ll be okay,” You knew exactly who’d done this to him.

It was no surprise that Joel had enemies inside and outside of Jackson, no one was ever innocent in this world. Hopefully they’d find Seth and whoever else was with him and get rid of them before they could harm anyone else.

“Can I wait until he’s done? Please?” You were desperate, hoping by the grace of whoever was listening that Joel would pull through.

“Yes, someone will get you when he’s stable in a room,” The nurse patted your shoulder gently before heading back to where she was needed.

It was a painful reminder of where you were just a few short weeks prior. What would Ellie say when she got back with everyone? God, could you even handle being face to face with her knowing it was because of Seth that he was hurt again? No, there was no time to let yourself spiral while your husband was struggling to survive just a few doors down.

“Where is he?!” Ellie burst through the doors, sweat dripping down the sides of her face as she locked eyes with you.

“He’s in surgery right now, Tommy already has a group looking for the guys that assaulted him,” You hadn’t stopped crying, lip quivering as you looked back at the door that separated you and your husband.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone on that supply run, goddamnit!” Ellie was angry with herself, had she stayed behind this wouldn’t have happened.

You stood up and gently shushed the girl before pulling her into a tight embrace. It would never be Ellie’s fault that Seth was a bigot, there was nothing she could do to change his mind. The only sounds heard were your stuttered breathing and Ellie’s deep breaths. You hadn’t been aware of the two people standing in the doorway, too busy in your sorrow.

“Oh, I forgot to mention we ran into some people during the run,” Ellie pulled away from you, wiping at her eyes before she turned to face the two newcomers.

The woman looked nervous, watching the way you stood close to Ellie, the younger boy was hiding behind the woman. It would’ve been ironic had you not been worrying about Joel at that moment.

“I’m so sorry, it’s nice to meet you both,” You chuckled as you wiped away the tears, knowing you didn’t look presentable.

“Nice to meet you, Ellie actually saved us from a pack of clickers,” The girl seemed shy, though it was surprising with her stature.

“That’s because Ellie knows good people when she sees them,” You wrapped an arm around her shoulders, smiling when she leaned into you.

Tonight would be a lot more stressful knowing that Ellie was back and would also be worrying about how Joel was doing.

“Why don’t you take them over to get something to eat? Joel won’t be able to have any visitors for a while anyway,” You didn’t want to rush Ellie and the newcomers out by any means, but right now you needed to be alone with your thoughts.

“Sure, I’ll bring you something so you aren’t hungry later,” Ellie left before you could protest, the two strangers following behind her.

You plopped down in the chair you’d been occupying before, begging for anyone that was listening for Joel to pull through. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t work for two months, you’d handle everything and deal with all the annoying shit that came with it.

It was nearing four in the morning when one of the nurses came to let you know that Joel was stable and asleep in one of the rooms. You’d nearly burst into tears once more before heading off to find your husband. Joel was sleeping peacefully under the ivory sheet. There was a bag of saline hanging beside his bed, his skin paler than what you’d like to see. It looked like they cleaned him up before putting him into the room. Shit, did that mean they’d had to throw out his coat? Wow, worrying over something as trivial as a coat while your husband nearly died, real classy. 

“Hi sweetheart, I’m so sorry this happened,” You bit your lip to help prevent the tears, sliding your hand into Joel’s.

His skin was warm, the calloused fingers you’d come to know and love a reminder that Joel was still here, he was still alive. The only thing that mattered in that very moment was knowing whether or not Seth got the punishment he deserved. Ellie would make sure of it if Tommy didn’t, you had no doubts. Things would go back to normal, and Joel would be back home where it was safe. Maybe you could invite the newcomers to have dinner and meet them in a more formal place.

This was a nightmare.