#lf Im there noah

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I’m There Chapter: Twenty-Four

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

Taglist: @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens@thisbicc @laurpartyprogram @concretenoah@thebadchic @madomens@samanthasgone @myownthoughts12@missduffsblog@jilliemiw86 @malerieee @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @badomenslrh @robabankfuckmickeymouse

(You're waiting for the)

Day to come when thеy will notice

(It is time to wake up now)

Fighting battlеs at your lowest

(Your fire is dying out)

Dragging every step forward

But it won't happen again

And I'm not gonna pretend

(I don't want the money)

(Want the money)

Noah sent Erin a CD with a playlist of their songs he hoped she would like. She has been blaring it loudly for days since she opened the package. She’s been listening to it nonstop and now sings along to the lyrics.

Can't say I'm mad, this is entertainment

But I want what they have and I'm gonna take it

And I'm so sorry if I'm cynical

My water's full of chemicals

I don't know what I'm made of anymore

“Sweetie! Lunch is ready!” I call out to her over the sound of the music as I place the plate I made for her, buttered noodles with grilled chicken with roasted broccoli and fresh fruit. 

Erin races down the stairs humming along to one of the songs she’s been listening to. 

“Yum! Thanks, Mom!” she says, plopping down to dig into her pasta. I sit alongside her and eat my plate. 

“So Noah said he will be back in less than a week, we will get a few days to hang out before you go to art camp,” I mention softly and she smiles brightly. “I’m excited to see him again, we should take him to the skating rink where Ashley had her birthday party, Oh! Oh! And we have to have a game night before I go to camp.” she exclaims excitedly. I laugh and nod, “Of course honey, we will have to ask him when he gets into town.” Her smile continues to grow as we talk and I am happy to see her so excited about spending more time with Noah. She talked to me after one of her last therapy sessions and the weight of guilt has lessened tremendously after our conversation. Her little heart is full of so much love. In the future, her feelings may change and she may have more questions or even anger and I am prepared to help her with those feelings when they arise. 

After lunch, I drop Erin off at Gwen’s apartment in her senior center to spend some time with her while I head to work for a few appointments I have set up. Gwen is freshly 75 and loving life in her new senior apartment complex and loves having Erin over to hang out. She welcomes us with big hugs and the smell of freshly baked cookies. “My girls, I’m so happy to see you both!” she greets us warmly. “Gweny! Omg, I have so much to talk to you about! Noah sent me some music and it’s awesome! I have to show you some.” Erin gushes to Gwen as she walks into the living room to set her backpack down. “Oh and I brought some paints so we can do some crafts, I wanted to paint the flowers you have on your balcony.” 

Gwen with her arm slung delicately around my shoulder laughs softly, “You made the sweetest girl in the world, I hope you know how much of that comes from you.”  I rest my head against hers and sigh contently. “Thank you, Gwen, I owe so much of her to you. You have helped so much when I moved and have been there for everything in her life. I’m so grateful for you.” I tell her as Erin runs around Gwens’ new apartment. “Well, I need to head out for my appointments. Hey, little one! I gotta go.” I call over to Erin and she runs to give me a quick hug before going back to explore the new space. I hug Gwen again and kiss her softly on the cheek. “I’ll be back later, maybe closer to 8:30. Thank you again, love you both!” I say to them as I walk out the front door and head back to the car. 

My appointments go by fast today, A few line work pieces and the first session of a large back piece. On my way out the door, I get a surprising phone call from Noah. 

Hey! Nat, how are you?

Hey Noah! I’m good, just finished up work for the day and I’m about to head to Gwen’s to pick up Erin. 

How was your day? Any fun ink?

Haha yes, I started on a sweet back piece that will take a few more sessions to finish.

That is awesome!

So I wanted to call and ask about something.

Oh? What’s up? Is everything okay?

yes, yes, everything is great! I just bought my ticket to Austin and wanted to see if you could grab me from the airport on Thursday?  

Oh! Of course, that’s no problem at all. 

Are you sure? I mean I could  figure out the car rental thing if that’s easier 

Oh hush Noah, it’s really not a big deal! We’d be happy to pick you up. 

Erin has been talking nonstop about you coming back to town. She’s making many plans to fit in plenty of activities before art camp next week.

Thank you Natty, I’m excited to see you both. My flight will land around 12 pm but our Airbnb won’t be ready until 4 pm. The other guys won’t be out until later next week. 

Sounds like a plan! We will scoop you up when you land and grab some lunch, Erin will be happy to hear the news.

Have a good night Natty, Lo- Bye! *click* 

“Hello? Noah? Umm okay, bye” I put my phone back in my bag, shake the weirdness off, and just get ready to head to pick up Erin and give her the exciting news. 

Gwen texted me what they decided on pizza for dinner, so I quickly run through the Dan’s Hamburgers drive-through to grab a big cheeseburger and curly fries.

Eating my dinner quickly on the road I switch on the radio and turn between channels until I find a familiar female voice. It takes me back to being a little kid in my parent’s car on a long car ride home.

“Hey there, It’s Delilah here with a collection of love songs to set your night off right. I know love comes and goes and I hope you find a love in your life that brings you the most joy and fills your heart with wonder.” 

Her soft voice drifts through my car and I settle into listening to the rest of her radio show until I get to Gwen’s. The love songs drift through the air…

So break my step

And relent

You forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way

Shake the excess

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

“Okay, Delilah I get it! I’m figuring it out…just get off my back.” I grumble at the radio and switch it to the next station. 

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

“Oh fuck off,” I say as I shut off the radio and complete the ride in silence. 

Erin races to the door when we get to the car, “I had so much fun with Gweny but I am sooo tired.” she slugs against the door, and when I click the unlock button she quickly climbs into the seat and reclines it back.

I laugh at her actions, shutting her eyes and curling into herself. “That’s what happens when you stay up all night listening to music silly girl.” I laugh and she groans, “I want to learn all of the lyrics so I can sing along when we go to one of Noah’s shows.” she grumbles sleepy. 

“Well they have a break coming up, so you’ll have plenty of time to learn the songs.” I tell her, “Actually, Noah called me after work. He’ll be here Thursday and asked if we could pick him up from the airport on Thursday.” She perks up immediately, springing up from her seat in excitement, “That sounds great! I’m so excited, omg what should we do? We have to show him the diner and oh oh we can take him to the water park! Or we can go rollerblading!” the sleepy child I saw minutes ago is gone and she’s awoken with a new spark.

“Okay baby, we will see what he has the energy for, remember he’s coming off of a long tour, he might just want to grab lunch and hang out at the house. But we will have lots of time to do all of the things you want to.” She’s still glowing with excitement on the drive home. My appointments tomorrow are later in the morning so when we get inside the house we sit in the living room and put on a movie. Erin decides to watch “Encanto”.  Haylie is in her room, probably working on her newest book but pokes her head out to say hi and double-check Erin is staying home tomorrow, with a nod of approval she slinks back into her room to finish writing, “Okay byee love youuu!” she calls as the door closes. 

Halfway through the movie I look over and see Erin has fallen asleep, I finish the movie wiping tears from my face. “Damn Disney movie,” I mumble. I gently move her upstairs and place her in her bed. 

When I am finished freshening up and laying my head down the last thing that goes through my head before sleep takes over. “Have a good night Natty, Love you! Bye.”

My dreams are visions of a future with Noah and Erin. We’re together laughing on the beach, building a sandcastle. I see myself pregnant with another baby, Noah’s eyes brighten up as he places a gentle hand on my stomach and kisses me. Sitting on the sand next to them my hands dig into the sand as the water washes up and the castle returns to the sea. The dream fades and twists into a new vision, Noah and I are arm and arm sitting on the couch watching a movie. The quiet domesticity makes my heart swell, the soft touches and gentle kisses. As his lips move down my neck a quiet gasp escapes me and my eyes shoot open as I vault myself up in bed breathlessly.

“Oh shit.” I say breathlessly, “Keep it together Nat.” 

By Thursday morning my nerves from my dream are taking over, I feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach as we wait in the lot for Noah to get off his flight. 

Noah: hey! I’m at pick-up stop H! 

Natalie: Okay! We will be there in a sec! :)

Erin is vibrating with excitement from the backseat and as we turn the corner and see Noah standing with his bags smiling and waving. “There is he! Pull over! Pull over!” Erin yells from behind me. “Okay okay, I have to wait for this car to pass sweetie,” I tell her as a nervous blush creeps up my neck.

I pull up to the side and pop the trunk as Erin shoots out to the car and runs to jump up and wrap her little around Noah. “Noah! You’re back! I’m so excited! What do you what do you want to do? Are you hungry? Me and my Mom like this diner they have the best pancakes!” Erin’s voice rings out and I laugh as I throw the car quickly into park to greet Noah. 

“Hey, Erin! I missed you!” he says dropping his bags on the ground to wrap his arms around her and lift her into a big hug, “lunch sounds amazing.” He turns to me placing Erin back on her feet. She attempts to grab his large duffels off the ground as I round the front of the car and the butterflies flutter again as he brings me into a firm hug. “Hey Natty,” he whispers into my hair. “Hey, Noah,” I respond into his chest. Erin struggles with the bag lifting it into the trunk. “Oh, honey -” I start but Noah quickly rushes over to help throw his bags into the back. “Thanks, little one,” he says to her and ruffles her hair. 

Noah opens the back door and lets her climb back into the car while I move to the driver’s side as a parking guard starts to look like he’s heading closer. “We’re heading out!” Noah politely waves to the guard and gets into the passenger seat. 

Throwing the car back into drive I carefully pull out. “So lunch?” I ask and Noah and Erin agree in unison. “So Erin, your mom says you have a lot of plans? What is first on the list?”

“Do you know how to rollerblade?”

[hopeshoodie]

I apologise, also I wanted to send this in submission but you have it deactivated lol, akwkje maybe I can write the Mc pov, idk why I couldn't put it on her perspective :((( (also I haven't written for litg before so I'm open to critics)(also Idk how to do bobby personalty like bro do you have one? Im sorry)

Mc was sitting in the coffee with a cappuccino in a to-go cup that she had asked specially, despite choosing to sit on the store.

Bobby arrived, smiling big at Mc, despite the worry in his eyes, "Hey, did I get here late?" he walked towards her table, then change direction to the cashier, "Do you want a cupcake? They probably aren't as good as the ones I made for you but, you know" his smile was getting stiffer.

The whole coffee shop seemed to be still and soundless despite the few other tables occupied, mc wasn't smiling, and she kept cracking her knuckled.

"Bobby..."

He dropped his smile, he knew this was coming but he didn't wanted to hear it.

He exhaled, trying to smile again "We can try, you're happy when you're with me, aren't you? It's just this couple months, we are tired. We both are."

She shook her head, "I like you, I really do, I'm just not," she paused, looking at Bobby in the eyes, searching for something.

"... you're just not in love with me."

"I'm sorry."

The memory after is fuzzy, he thinks he left after saying it was okay, but he might have insulted mc, which was the last thing he wanted for now.

If things haven't worked with her, then with who could they work?

Was he actually the problem, some lf his friends said he was, that he chased too much, tried too much, all that before he was actually dating, so he was "out of tricks" soon.

Another friend, one of his closest one a few years ago, had said something different, that Bobby did too much to impress the random girl he was infuriated on - and had he felt offended immediately- but that he wasn't actually hoping to impress them, and when they started to date, most of the women could tell Bobby wasn't seeing them as a date, but just as a buddy he constantly needed to impress. He got mad and they yelled and a few months after when his friend moved to u.s.a bobby didn't bothered to keep contact.

He jumped to his bed, could he win back Mc?

They were a famous couple, they had won love island after everything, maybe if he posted a few vague tweets?

No, Noah would tell him that was wrong and passive aggressive shame him, Marisol (if she found out, she wasn't much on social media this days) would yell at him, maybe Lottie would take his side but she was surprisingly quiet this days, Gary would also be mad at him but more because he was still into Mc.

He hide his face in his pillow, better to stay out of twitter for a while, besides if Noah would react like that, making vague tweets was bad.

Maybe he could ask Noah for help with Mc, was Noah over her?

He was still dating Hope so probably? Maybe.

Anon I am SO sorry it took me so long to publish this. I’m going through my ask box rn and I just remembered seeing it the first time. I can def turn submissions on, if I can figure out how, so you can get credit!!

The ‘running out of tricks’ line goes HARD. I love that concept. Bobby coming home to the lads and thinking he was part of some big dramatic epic love story, for all his friends to just “😬😬😬 dude....” and he insists it’s fine, but then doubt creeps in. 

Just in general I’m obsessed with Bobby getting his comeuppance skjskdjalskdjklasd

[djpurple3]

Hey! Just dropping in to say i really love I Just Keep Losing My Beat, I check my notifications almost every day to see if there's an update lol. The title just really resonates with me and I love the story, you're an amazing writer. The song July by Noah Cyrus always makes me think of Remus if u wanna give it a listen lol. Hope ur having a great day dude, stay safe <3

!!!!! 😭😭😭😭 hey this is so sweet!!! Im sorry the updates are so usually infrequent (plus, yknow,,, no content november) and thank you :')

The song Somebody To Love was the direct inspiration of Remus's characterisation for this fic so i had to take the title from there

And oooh ill have to look it up 👀 i have a playlist of songs that suit the vibes lf this fic so >:) i love new acquisitions

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Twenty-Three

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

Taglist: @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @laurpartyprogram @concretenoah @thebadchic @jessitpwk@madomens @samanthasgone @myownthoughts12@missduffsblog @jilliemiw86 @malerieee @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @badomensls @robabankfuckmickeymouse

“Things are pretty normal given the situation. Noah has called a lot since he left and talks with Erin for almost an hour on the phone each time. We talked for a little bit but honestly, my feelings for Noah are getting so cluttered it’s hard to talk to him for too long” 

“When you say cluttered what do you mean exactly” 

“It’s just hard talking on the phone, you know, with everything. We saw each other for the first time in ten years and then I shook his whole world telling him he’s a father and I just wish I knew what he was thinking. We didn’t have enough time to talk about it all. He met Erin and it was great but I just…I feel like a failure of a mother for depriving her of him for so long and I don’t know how to express to him that I’m sorry. And honestly, I’ve never let myself get fully over him, I just feel like there’s always been a piece of me that has loved him, maybe just from what I see in Erin.” 

Dr. Grady is quiet for a few moments while she thinks and takes in my words. 

“I cannot speak for Noah, but I believe forgiving yourself for the past is important and a necessary step in your healing. You’ve already mentioned that there’s nothing you can do to change what has happened and it seems like you’re focused on helping Erin navigate this situation. As for your feelings about Noah, there is nothing I can tell you, that is a completely personal journey that you will have to take.” I sink lower into the sofa in Dr. Grady’s office and try to unjumble my thoughts, but those surrounding Noah will take time to fully unpack. 

“And on top of all of it, my brother just got to town last night and I swear if you had told me ten years ago I would say I was jealous of Kyle's emotional maturity I would have pissed myself laughing.” As I tell Dr. Grady more, I recall my conversation with Kyle last night after Erin went down for bed. 

“So, she met Noah huh? And she seems pretty happy about the whole situation so I’m guessing it went well?” Kyle asked cautiously. “Yeah, it went better than I expected. He was great with her, asked her questions about what she likes, talked to her about music and his life. He’s called her every other day since he left and they talk for hours.” I tell him as I pour the two of us a cup of hot tea. 

“How do you feel about all of this?” He asks while blowing the steam off the cooling cup of tea in his hands. 

“When I myself understand my feelings I’ll let you know.” I let out a pathetic laugh, “I’m happy for Erin, she’s happy and that’s what’s important. I’m trying not to think too much about all of the "what ifs you know? I told myself that I wasn’t going to let my feelings mess this up for her. She deserves a relationship with her father” I tell him honestly and then because I’m unable to stop it the word vomit spews out of me. “But I can’t help thinking what if I had told him ten years ago, would we have gotten back together? Would I have ever known truly if it was for me or just because I got pregnant, I mean how would you feel missing Natasha’s birth, her first steps and her first words?”

He takes a sip of tea and sits up straighter in the kitchen chair. “I think I would be upset at first, which you said he was but Nat, you’ll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking about all of these hypothetical scenarios.”

“But like would you be able to forgive Maggie? Would you still haven’t wanted to marry her?” 

A look of complete understanding washes across his face, “Nat, why do you insist you deserve to be hated for this? Why can’t you accept that he’s forgiven you and move forward? You forgave him for leaving all of those years ago. You’ve forgiven me for all the terrible things I’ve done, forgiven Dad too. You forgave Mom before she died. You believe everyone is worthy of forgiveness but you, why?” 

“You believe everyone is worthy of forgiveness but you…that’s what he said. It sent me for a loop. It’s true. I’ll allow everyone to be flawed and make mistakes but when it comes to myself I wonder how I haven’t been dropped by every person in my life” I explain the conversation to Dr. Grady and wait for her response as I sit up and prepare for the end of our session.

“It’s common for people with anxiety to suffer from severe self-criticism. I’m going to send you a few readings I’d like you to look over before our next session and we can discuss it more since we are almost out of time.” She clears her throat and straightens up the papers in her hand. “It’s a very good question your brother asked. I think you should think about that one, why do you think everyone else is worthy of forgiveness but you? Because you are Natalie, you are worthy of forgiveness and you need to start by forgiving yourself.”

I quietly thank Dr. Grady for our session and leave once our time is finished. 

She’s right and so is Kyle. I constantly forgive everyone all the time but never allow myself the grace of forgiveness.

Erin is happy, Noah is happy and it’s about damn time I let myself be happy too. 

It’s around 4pm when I return home from therapy and my grocery store run. I got all of the essentials for a fun backyard fire pit dinner. We’re roasting hotdogs and then s’mores for desserts later. 

When I get into the house I hear laughter and music filtering in through the kitchen, I walk through and notice the sound is coming from the backyard where Maggie and Kyle have set up the waterslide for the girls. 

“Uncle Ky! Go go!!!” I hear Erin bellow as I see my brother fling himself down and slide all the way to the end of the slide. 

“Oh hey, Natty!” Kyle calls, standing and shaking the water out of his hair. “How was your appointment?” He asks softly. 

“It was good! Yeah, I feel good, thank you for talking to me about it last night, it was really helpful Ky.” 

“Of course sis! What are twins for?” he says and then wraps his arms around me wiping water all over my dry clothes. “Kyle! Ugh!” I call out and push him off of me while he lets out a full bellied laugh. 

A few hours later we are sitting, dry,  around the warm fire. Kyle and Maggie are staying at a hotel but when Natasha started to get sleepy we put her in Erin’s bed until they left for the night. 

I’m helping Erin roast a marshmallow when Maggie comes into my view, handing me a glass of wine. “I think it’s time for that girl-talk I was promised” she giggles and turns to Haylie who’s sitting and roasting her own s’more, “and I mean you as well girl, I wanna hear about this new book. You gotta tell me if they’ll end up together in the end please” 

Haylie laughs and zips her lips, “hey I’m spoiler-free over here.” 

Handing Erin her assembled s’more she thanks me and takes a huge bite causing marshmallows to overflow out the side and drip down her chin. I laugh and wipe it before it hits the floor. 

Kyle stands to leave us to girl-talk and gestures towards Erin, “Come on sweety, let’s go watch a movie while your mom has her lady talk, it’ll be boring” 

Erin giggles into her s’more “They just want to talk about Noah and how mom used to like him and now they’re both weird” she states while tossing a strand of hair over her shoulder and I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of me, “yeah, sorry for being weird kiddo. I’m working on it.”

“Aren’t you observant?” Kyle says to Erin steering her towards the back door. 

The three of us giggle at the way Erin was able to perfectly sum up the situation, “She sees everything I swear and she’s too smart.” I comment under my breath as I take a small sip of the wine Maggie brought me.

“What’s going on in that head of yours Natty,” Maggie asks and her face is nothing but compassionate. “Too much Mags, too much.” I take another long sip of wine and look into the slowly dimming fire. “I am so unbelievably happy to see Erin happy..”

“I’m sensing a but coming,” Haylie chirps from her chair on the other side of me. 

“But.” I say, giving her a pointed look, “but I am just still navigating my own feelings about all of this, so I’m just a little scatterbrained.” I admit.

“Do you think it’s possible Noah could still have feelings for you?” Maggie asks and I shoot up in my chair, surprised by her question. 

“Oh god no, I was just talking to my therapist about how shocked I am that he can even stand being around me,” I say and Haylie busts out laughing. 

“Oh my god, are you blind? Dude the way he was looking at you not only the literal day you told him about her but the day he came over and was here for like eight hours, for Erin of course but Natty, there is no doubt he was also here for you.” Haylie says with a matter-of-fact tone and my eyes roll back so far I think they might never come back. “Oh please, there is no way Noah has feelings for me, It’s been ten years and at this point, we are just trying to navigate this co-parenting thing.” 

That gets a laugh out of not only Haylie but Maggie as well, “you’re either blind, stupid or both if you don’t think that guy is and always has been in love with you, knowing he now shares a child with you is only going to cause him to further attempt to submit himself as the only man in your life,” Maggie says but I shake my head in disagreement, I just don’t think that is in the cards for Noah and me anymore no matter how easily I lose myself in his eyes, or how I secretly listen to his music and have always known he was the most talented person in the world. 

“Whatever our feelings for each other may be, Noah and I have agreed that the most important thing is Erin’s happiness. I’m not going to risk that so I just need everyone to respect that.” I say with more firmness in my voice than intended. Maggie looks at me with a quiet understanding, “I will support you either way. I’m always on your side.” she says. Haylie nods in agreement “Me too.” 

We spend another hour outside finishing our wine before heading back inside to see Kyle and his family off for the night. Erin heads up for bed soon after and I do a final sweep of the kitchen before heading up to bed myself.

As I’m laying my head down my phone rings lightly and I hesitate slightly before answering. 

Hey Noah, is everything okay? Sorry but Erin is already asleep if you wanted to talk. 

Hey, yeah everything is okay. I figured she’d be asleep, I was hoping to talk to you actually. If thats okay?

Oh, um yeah, we can talk. Whats up?

Are we okay Natty? 

I freeze. What does that even mean? Are we okay?

Um. yeah? Why wouldn’t we be okay? 

I just feel like…I don’t know how to say this. I’ve been trying Natty but when I talk to you on the phone it’s like you can’t get off fast enough.

What do you mean? I just figured you wanted to talk to Erin so you could get to know her more. 

I mean, of course want to talk to Erin, but Natty I want to talk to you as well.

It’s been ten years and I meant what I said about wanting to be in your lives. 

You want to talk to me? About what? 

He laughs and the warmth of it climbs into my heart and makes a nest. 

I want to know about your life, I want to meet the Natalie that you’ve become and I want to try and make up for all this time I’ve lost.

Oh. I’m - well I’m sorry if I was short with you on the phone. Honestly, all of this has been a big change for us all.

I haven’t been good about dealing with this, obviously. 

Yes, It was a big change but I want you to know that I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone anymore. I truly do intend to be there. For both of you.

That’s co-parenting right? We’re in this together now. 

Yeah. Together. I like the sound of that. 

I can’t help the blush that spreads across my cheeks and down my neck, I know he meant together as parents but for a moment I allow myself to believe we could be the happy family I’ve always dreamed of. 

I know it’s late so I can let you go if you’re getting ready for bed-

No, no, I can talk. Unless you’re tired.

No, we just got off the stage and I’m to amped up to sleep yet.

So Natty, tell me about your life. 

We talk on the phone for hours. About the last ten years, I told him about life with Erin and we reminisced about life when we were young. I don’t remember hanging up, but I guess I fell asleep sometime while we were talking because when I woke up there was an unread text on my phone.

Noah S : goodnight :) I have missed talking to you these last ten years Natty. It is good to be back in your world. 4:13 am

I walk down the stairs with a spring in my step and I feel lighter than I have since this all began. I know we will all be okay and I can finally say that Noah and I are friends again after all of this time.

The rest of the week with my brother and Maggie is so much fun. We spend time at the park, go to museums and even a minor league baseball game. When they leave at the end of the week I give Kyle a big hug. "Thanks for everything Ky, I love you bro."

"I love you too sis, you're an amazing person. don't ever forget that."

Noah and I start texting more frequently in-between our phone calls and I find myself smiling and laughing more at my phone than I have in years.

In a week Noah will be back and Erin is so excited.

I won't lie, I'm pretty excited as well.

next chapter

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Eighteen

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

warnings: alcohol use

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

edited by me ....soooo if you see something spelt wrong no you didn't.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic @jessitpwk @samanthasgone @laurpartyprogram @myownthoughts12

Ryan, our receptionist has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. He’s thinking that he’s just setting me up with a band I don’t like. Ugh. It’s not his fault, nobody here knows Noah is Erin’s dad. Only Haylie and my family know. Although I never confirmed with my dad who Erin’s father is I know he knows.

As I frantically attempt to clear my workstation of anything Erin-related I look down and notice that because of the rip in my jeans, you can perfectly see the “Erin” script tattoo I have over my left knee.

“Fuck” I quietly exclaim to myself, no way of hiding that. My phone is cradled in my shoulder as I continue to lose my mind with Haylie. “I’m freaking out! Oh my god, ten years and everything I’ve worked so hard to overcome just walked through my fucking door.” I’m breathing in and out heavily as I look back up over the partition to see Noah watching me with peaked interest as he offers a small awkward wave while the rest of his band mates finished their paperwork. I quickly duck back down and continue to freak out with Haylie on the phone.

“Okay, hold on! He’s there? How did he know you were there?” Haylie Questions. “I have no fucking idea. Oh my god! Erin…she’s at fucking Six Flags having a great time and I just agreed to tattoo her fucking father! That doesn’t know about her, that she’s never met. That I’ve never told her about, god, I’m the worst mother-'' Haylie cuts me off “You need to breathe. It’s going to be okay, just try to remember everything Dr. Grady taught you'' she reassures me. 

“Okay,” I breathe out. “Okay, I’ll be fine. It’ll just be like seeing an old friend. That took my virginity. And got me pregnant and left me all alone” 

There’s a long pause “..….you could always sneak out the back door?” We both laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I have to laugh because otherwise, I would have a full-on breakdown. “I’ll be okay. I can do this. I can totally do this” I tell Haylie and also myself. Can I fucking do this?! We say our goodbyes and I return to my breathing technique as I try to calm my racing heart.

A few minutes later I hear their footsteps approaching my workstation followed by his voice, that’s only gotten better with time. “I can’t believe you’re here” he almost whispers. “What are you doing here?” Noah asks me quietly. 

“I work here” I state calmly. “I moved here after graduating early and started an apprenticeship with a friend of a friend, worked my way up,” I say, trying not to break my words as I look up at him, and oh my god how did he get even better looking? I’m totally fucked. I attempted to shake myself out of whatever daze being around Noah has brought me into so I can get through this.

“I could say the same to you? Of all the tattoo shops in Texas, you just happen to walk through my doors” I half joke. “Must be fate” It’s Nicholas Ruffilo that pipes up this time, coming around to hug me. “Long time no see Nat,” he says, eyeing me up and down. “You’re looking good,” he mentions with a soft smile. I’m not at all the girl I used to be, my hair is darker and I have multiple visible tattoos. My neck tattoo is visible and you can see the evidence of a stomach tattoo poking out the bottom of my tank, if I turned around they could see my dueling dragon back tattoo peaking past my shoulders and through the holes in my jeans, you can see a view of my full leg sleeve. “Really digging the tatted look,” Nicholas remarks with a friendly tone. He’s always been a good guy. I wish I had stayed in contact with him more all these years. But I couldn’t even keep in contact with Noah, despite trying, so that was wishful thinking. 

“Yeah, you too buddy,” I tell him, returning his hug. 

Turning to face Noah I give him a once over “You cut your hair.” When he left it was down past his chest but the short hair looks really good on him and I’m forgetting everything I’m supposed to be mad at him about.

“Oh yeah,” he reaches back and scratches the nape of his neck “it was just getting to be a lot to deal with.” 

I huff out a laugh and think about my life with Erin and how hard it’s been raising her as a single mother and remember the anger I’ve felt all these years. “yeah, i know how much you hate when things get complicated” I say and he slightly bristles. I ignore it and turn to the two unfamiliar faces. 

“Hi! I’m Natalie, I went to school with these two so it’s an impromptu reunion.” I stick out my hand to shake hands with Nick Folio and Jolly, the final members of Noah’s band, Bad Omens. “Two Nicks? Doesn't that get confusing?” I ask. “Yeah, people call me Folio, but you can call me anything you’d like,” Folio says with a smile and wink. Noah tenses at his friend's joke and eyes him with a glare. Choosing to ignore whatever that was, I turn back towards the group and ask, “So what are we doing today? I overheard a little, just some line work?” 

“Uh yeah,” Nick replies “I unfortunately lost my tattoo bag with my gun and needles, or else I would have done it myself.” He’s still the same Nicholas I knew so I can tell when he’s bullshitting. “Okay…and if you told me the truth? What would that be?” I give him a serious look, the same one Erin calls my “Mom means business face.” 

“Okay so I may have been looking online for tattoo shops in the area just for fun and maybe I came across an article about a certain women’s owned tattoo shop and thought I recognized one of the girls in the group picture.” He fesses up finally. “You knew she would be here?” Noah asks his friend, shock written on his face. “Why didn’t you say anything” he asks at the same time I question, “So you knew I was here? So much for fate huh?” I joke and push his shoulder back. “You didn’t think to call first? At least warn me?” I ask him. Noah pipes up “Well he didn’t tell me either if that helps.”

It doesn’t. 

“What? So you could be conveniently out of the office? Yeah right Natty, I’m not stupid. Or so you” he gestures at Noah “could find any way out of seeing her, no way” Nicholas’ cheshire cat smile tells me all I need to know. He wanted this to happen, for us all to see each other again. Thinking maybe it was just old friends catching up or love birds reuniting. Unfortunately, all he really did was throw my life completely upside down by unknowingly walking the father of my child straight back into my life. 

“Well, we will have some time to catch up while I work,” I say, “let me just pull up some more chairs so y’all can sit.” I walk and grab two folding chairs to add to my workspace.

I notice Noah looking at all the photos on my walls. Some of me, Kyle and Maggie all grown up, me with other musicians lying on my tattoo table getting something done. “Is that fucking Oli Sykes!??” Noah asks, pointing at a picture pinned on the wall. I laugh and nod “Um yeah, that’s a crazy story. My roommate Haylie ran into him after a show and they made a bet during a darts game and next thing I know I’m getting a call at 3 am about giving Oli a tattoo.” I laugh because it was actually pretty crazy, Haylie has stayed out later than me but I was lucky that Gwen had already agreed to babysit that night since it was our monthly girls’ night out so I knew Erin was safe. Having the lead singer of the Bring Me The Horizon on my tattoo table. That was crazy. “That’s amazing Natty, we’re touring with them next year.” Noah smiles when he says it, I know it is a huge accomplishment to be touring with a band he’s always loved. “Wow, that’s great Noah. I’m happy for y’all.” It’s not a complete lie, I have always been proud of Noah but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. 

Several minutes later I have my station ready and I’m prepping Jolly who’s volunteered to go first. They want the symbols for death, peace, and mind to commemorate their most recent album. 

Jolly sits in the chair in front of me and is very nice, he offers a little small talk as I align the stencil and prepare the ink and tattoo gun. “So you’re the girl?” Jolly says and I see Noah lean his head back and mutter a nearly silent “Fucking Christ.” I start up the tattoo and huff an awkward laugh. “I’m not sure how to take that. Noah and I are exes if that’s what you mean?” I try to break the tension by addressing at least one elephant in the room. “Sorry, I don’t mean to make things awkward, I just mean I have heard a lot about you, though they failed to mention how incredibly beautiful you are,” Jolly says and I can tell he’s just playing and trying to get under Noah’s skin.

“You’re full of it Karlsson, I did too mention she was beautiful” Noah blurts out, surprising us both. “I mean..like objectively I mentioned it, years ago. Let’s just drop it okay?” He fumbles out and we all try to stop the laughter from bubbling out.

I finish up Jolly and Nicholas’s tattoos easily and next is Folio who is funny but a very playful flirt, he also asks a lot of questions. 

“So how long have you been here?”

“Austin? Or this studio?”

“Both”

“Austin about ten years and this shop about the same, it kind of all came together at the same time”

“Why did you move?”

“Lots of reasons. I wanted a fresh start”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No girlfriend either” 

“Kids?”

If the tattoo gun had been on his skin it would have flown across it leaving a massive black mark along his arm. Everything stops and my mouth completely dries. I finish the last bit of the mind symbol and place the gun down and slap his shoulder, “alright that was fun but I have to switch to the next contestant now, maybe we can finish 20 questions later” I smile and give him a wink and then Noah is taking his seat in front of me. “Let me just clean up and get ready” I stand to re-sanitize everything before tattooing him next. He looks up at me through his lashes, “okay, I’ll be right here” he says and there’s a fire burning low in my gut. 

You can do this Natalie. You got this. No more running. No more hiding. 

After sanitizing everything I’m ready to begin, “so I’m pretty much covered all over my arms and hands, but I was thinking somewhere on my ribs? I have some space there.” He says while lifting his shirt to show me and damn. He has definitely been working out but, I push all those thoughts away and just nod like an idiot. “I’m yeah, ribs are a good placement, well just need to move to the bench,” I say and point behind us where Jolly and Nicholas are sitting. They hop down and I move to quickly wipe it down with disinfectant and then Noah is lifting his shirt up and lying down on the table and then I realize I’m going to have to touch him.

I pick up the stencil and as I’m about to place it Ryan comes rounding the corner with the shop phone, “Sorry Nat, but it’s Erin. She said she tried to call your cell but you didn’t answer” he tells me. Shit. I take the phone and move to stand just on the outside of my workspace. “Hey Sweets, what’s going on? Is everything okay?” I try to keep my voice casual, “Ashley asked me if I wanted to go with her to the zoo tomorrow and have a double sleepover. Can I please??” Erin practically begs and I put my hand on the receiver as I look back at the guys. “Sorry, this will just take a second,” I say and walk towards the back of the shop. “Can you put Ashley’s mom on?” I ask Erin. I talk to her mom to make sure it’s genuinely okay before telling Erin it’s okay. Ashley’s mom is happy to take Erin with her, “oh we love it when Erin joins us, she is such a sweet and respectful girl.” I can’t help but beam at the praise for my daughter, “Thank you, I’m just so glad she and Ashley get along so well, and I will send you some extra money on Venmo so they can get some fun trinkets.” I end the call with Erin thanking me ecstatically and rejoin the group.

“Sorry about that,” I say and sit back down to finish applying the tattoo stencil. As I sit the Erin tattoo is fully visible on my knee and I see Noah clock it. But he doesn’t say anything.

In a few minutes were ready to start the process and I have to lean into his personal space, smelling his clean, woody scent, and try not to fall under his spell. “We’re playing a show tomorrow, you didn’t happen to get tickets did you?” Noah asks as I start to tattoo his skin. “Oh, um no I didn’t. I hadn’t planned on going.” I mumble out. “Oh, well if you wanted to we could get you a ticket. Or two if you want to bring someone?” Noah says and his eyes are boring into mine. “Um, yeah maybe. My d-. I mean, I’ll be free so maybe.” I squeak out and force my mouth shut so I don’t say anything else on accident. I know that I need to tell him about Erin but in private. 

The tattoos are finished and Folio is asking me more questions, “so what are you doing tonight? We need something fun to do.” he asks and I chuckle. “I’m going to a masquerade rave with some girlfriends, It’s a pretty good time if you’re interested.” I say and Folio’s eyes light up with interest, “Oh hell yes! We are 100% in! And we can be incognito.” Nicholas and I exchange numbers and Noah looks like he wants to ask for it as well but doesn’t. Nicholas sends me two backstage passes for the concert tomorrow night. I guess I’ll go with Haylie.

After cleaning my station again I finally make it home with plenty of time to get ready for the masquerade. I texted Nicholas all of the information and he sent me a thumbs up and told me they were all excited. Haylie was freaking out more than I was about the whole situation. “Okay, well you need to boost the sexiness of your outfit up by about 10000%.” Laughing we have fun getting ready for the party and I try to figure out how to tell Noah about Erin. I’m finishing my makeup and were having a few drinks. I don’t drink often so on girls night it doesn’t take many to get me tipsy. “Okay I obviously can’t do it tonight” I say as I button the front of my corset top, pushing my boobs up higher. “I think presenting him with your huge rack will really ease the blow of finding out he has a kid.” Haylie always has a way of saying the most shocking things and making them hilarious. “Funny.” I deadpan and down the rest of my vodka soda. 

A couple hours later we are walking into the immaculately decorated warehouse with our lace masks on. Mine is black to complament my red strappy corset dress and Haylies’ is purple to match her colorful outfit. Haylie’s sister Rachel and my boss, Anna are with us as well and we walk towards the bar to grab some drinks before heading onto the dance floor.

After a quick round of shots and another vodka soda we file onto the dance floor together and start moving to the music. It’s upbeat and energetic so we’re having fun jumping around and dancing together. I love girls night, it’s a night that I can let loose and have fun knowing Erin is somewhere safe. She called before we left to say goodnight. I love that girl.

At first I think I’m dancing on Haylie but then she appears in front of me and I look behind and notice it’s a guy. I shoot in closer to my girls to try and make space but he gets closer so I wave him off, “I’m good dude, no thanks” I try to yell over the music. “Come on baby!! You look so hot! Dance with me!” I roll my eyes and Haylie lightly pushes the guy back “go on dude, she’s not interested.” He huffs an arrogant laugh but there’s another taller figure behind him, “yeah dude she’s not interested.” I instantly recognized the voice as Noah’s. The guy turns around and notices Noah’s towering height and holds up his hands in defeat “all right man, she’s all yours,” he says and I can’t help but laugh. The rest of his friends appear and we all attempt to exchange hellos but on the crowded dance floor it’s difficult. We end up all just dancing and at one point I think Haylie is behind me and Folio is in front of me and I’m having and amazing time. Noah is swaying to the music next to Nicholas and my other friends. Our eyes keep meeting and it’s like he’s has his own gravitational pull because we all suddenly end up in a massive cluster. I’m loose and warm from the drinks so I’m dancing and having a good time, not noticing I’ve now plastered myself against the front of Noah’s body. He doesn’t seem to mind and with the music blasting I can’t seem to care. Eventually we all make our way back to the bar, the guys head towards an area designated for seating to find us all a place to chill.

Me and the girls are grabbing more drinks and chatting loudly to hear each other over the music, “so Natty, where’s the little one tonight? Will we be seeing her at shop more now that school is out for the summer?” Anna asks with a big smile, shes like a grandma to Erin having been apart of our lives since she was born. “She went to Six Flags with a friend, so I’m a free mommy for two nights!” I cheer and raise my glass into the air to toast our night.

I take a step back and bump into someone, “oh sorry!” I call out as my drink spill over onto my arm slightly.

I turn around and apologize to who I ran into and it’s funny how little masks actually hide someone's identity. “Oh Nicholas, sorry! You snuck up on me” I laugh and grab some napkins to wipe the drink that spilled on my arm. The pregame drinks plus the drinks I’ve had here to loosen up have definitely done their job. “Hey Nat,” he says over the noise. “Um I’m sorry, did I hear you say you’re a free mommy tonight? You have a kid?” he asks and I feel my vision black out. “Um. Yeah.” I mumble out. “What? Sorry, it’s loud.” 

“Yes!” I yell out louder and he nods slowly. “Wow! How old are they?” he asks innocently and I dont know what to do. I don’t want to lie but I don’t think it’s right to tell Nicholas first. “Um my daughter is almost 10.” I say and slurp down the rest of my drink and put it down on the bar. He nods again and then his eyes shoot up at me and I feel like I might throw up.

“10? Wow, thats, thats..shes 10? So you met someone when you moved?” Its starting to feel like an interrogation and I think about just running away, quickly realizing how stupid that would be. “No, no. I didnt meet anyone when I moved.” I offer up honestly. “So it’s someones from home?” I feel like he’s just chipping around the truth until I spill what he’s after.

I pull out my phone and show him my lockscreen which is a picture of Erin on halloween dressed up like a fairy to celebrate Haylie’s book launch. Nicholas takes my phone and I see his eyes go wide behind his mask. Hes just staring at it for minuets before I reach to take my phone back and put it back in my pocket.

“Don’t say anything yet, I will tell him. I promise, I will tell him.” I start to sound frantic and I feel myself growing into a flob sweat. “How could you keep something like this from him for ten years Nat?” He asks and I can hear his voiced lined with a dark edge.

“Excuse me? You don’t think I tried?” I ask shocked by his tone. His face is scrunched in confusion, “how hard could you have possibly tried? I mean you had his kid Natalie? And you didn’t tell him?” Nicholas voice seethes out in an inflection full of judgment. I’m drunk enough not to care who hears me when I say, “I told you I’d tell him and it’s really none of your business, so drop it.” There’s acid in my voice. “He has the right to know, you owe it to him to at least tell him the truth” Nicholas argues back.

“Did you forget that you both just left? You left too, Nicky. You both just picked up and left me. You don’t know a THING about what I went through! You have no idea how hard I tried to tell him, to get to him. When at every corner he was running further from me. You have no IDEA! Don’t talk to me about what’s owed Nicholas. You don’t want to go down this road with me.”

Our voices are starting to carry over and I see Noah look over from where him and the other two guys are sitting. He seems to notice our raised volume so he gets up to walk over and in a hushed voice I say “you’ll say nothing about this to him, I’ll tell him. Just leave it alone” It comes out as a warning and I walk away and pass Noah.

He stops me lightly by the shoulder to ask “Is everything okay? Were you and Nick just yelling?” I shake my head and slap on a fake smile “Everything’s fine, I’m just gonna go freshen up” I shrug off his touch and head towards the bathroom, grabbing Haylies hand and dragging her along with me.

What the fuck am I going to do? The timeline of needing to tell Noah has multiplied exponentially. I can’t make Nicholas keep the secret forever, not that he would. I’ll go to the show with Haylie tomorrow and tell him them.

divider from here

oh lord!!! It’s getting MESSY!!!

next chapter -> here

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Twenty-One

when you realize the significance of the monkey (∩˃о˂∩)♡

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

word count: 3.6k , edited by me ....soooo if you see something spelt wrong no you didn't.

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I picked up Erin from Ashely’s house at around 10 am the following morning. I don’t think anything will ever compare to her seeing me and running with excitement into my arms for a big hug. I just hope she still feels that way later today when I tell her about Noah.

“I missed you Mom!” she calls out and I pick her up and swing us around in a circle. “Oh my sweet girl, I missed you so much!” I tell her and kiss all over her cheeks and the top of her head. We finish gathering her things and thank Ashely and her mom again before we eventually get into the car and head off to begin our girls’ day. “So nails first or food? How are you feeling?” I ask as I turn on the radio and begin backing out of the driveway. 

“FOOD! Please! We only had cereal for breakfast and you know I need more than that.” I laugh because I know exactly that. My girl can eat! “Okay, so first food and then nails!” I say, then reach over to turn up the radio when I hear “Dancing Queen” by ABBA come on. We sing our hearts out on the drive to our favorite breakfast spot near our house. We sit in our regular corner booth by the back window. I order a coffee and a full stack of pancakes with eggs and bacon. Erin orders an orange juice and the same amount of food and I know she’ll finish it all. She recaps me on the last two days and all the fun she had with her friend, “but I missed you and Hales a lot. I’m happy to be back home now.” she says stuffing a huge piece of pancake into her mouth. “I’m happy you’re home too little bug, but why don't you take smaller bites? I don’t need you choking thirty minutes after getting you back.” She smiles with her mouth full of food, “okay” her muffled voice comes out and I can’t help but laugh. 

With breakfast finished the two of us head to the nail salon and I decide we should really pamper ourselves and we get the deluxe mani/pedi package. The salon I like plays old MTV music videos on big TVs all around the room. The sound of Paramore while my feet soak in the soothing heat and the massage chair digs into my back puts me into a state of complete relaxation and I find my mind wandering. Stuck on a moment from the night before, Noah and I sitting together on the couch and our almost kiss. If things were different, if we lived in an alternate universe and it wasn’t ten years later I would have closed the distance and would have let myself be sucked into his gravity. He has everything he wants now, his music, his band, it’s what he left to find ten years ago.

I look over at Eric who’s set the chair to the back-patting setting that has her voice bouncing “Ah, ah, ah, m-o-o-m, d-o-o-o I s-o-u-n-d w-e-i-r-d.” the smile that breaks across my face is full of love as I take in the beautiful girl in front of me. “You sound perfect baby,” I say and ruffle her hair softly. The rest of our appointment goes by in a relaxing daze. We laugh while Erin tells me about her last two days. We finish up and I mentally prepare myself for the conversation we are about to have. I am going to tell her about Noah. I just hope she doesn’t hate me afterward. 

We get back to the house and she rushes into her room to unload her dirty clothes and reunite with the stuffed animals she had to leave behind. “Fluffy! I never want to be separated again!” I hear her exclaim from outside of her room. Before talking to her I head into my room and open my closet door, I’m looking for a certain shoe box. “Where the hell is it?” I ask myself, “Ah ha!” It’s nestled deep into the corner hiding under the Carhart hoodie I borrowed from Haylie who stole it from who knows. I take a deep breath and lift the lid of the box. On top are several photos of me and Noah, some of the two of us, and Nicholas as well. Wadded up in a tight ball is the Bring Me The Horizon shift Noah gave me all those years ago. There’s also a CD, some random ticket stubs, drawings, and more pictures at the bottom. I decide to just take the whole box and head towards Erin’s room.

Knocking on the door I hear a soft, “Come in!” I walk into her room and see that she’s decided today is the day she’s going to reorganize her bookshelf. 

“Hey sweety, can I talk to you about something?” I ask and try to hide the nervousness in my voice. “Umm yeah, is everything okay? You sound weird.” So I didn’t do a great job at hiding it. “Yes, everything is okay. There’s just something that I need to talk to you about. Something important.”

Two lines appear between her eyebrows and her face contorts in confusion. “Is this an I can keep working and listening important or do I need to sit next to you on the bed?” she asks and I pat a spot next to me on the bed to wordlessly answer her question. “Oof, okay,” she whispers out and climbs next to me on her bed.

“You remember how I told you that I got pregnant when I was still in high school but my boyfriend and I had already broken up?” she continues looking at me with confusion all over her face but nods slightly, “Yeah, I remember. You said you two never saw each other again.” I take her hand and smile, trying to fight the tears in my eyes.

I open the box and hand her a picture of Noah and I. “His name is Noah. This is your father.” She takes the photo and looks back and forth between me and and younger version in the photo. “You look so different,” she says and I huff a laugh. “Yeah, that’s what growing up will do to you.” 

“Where is he?” she asks quietly looking up at me. “Well, he’s actually in town for a few days if you would like to meet him.”

“Where has he been?” she asks and that takes me off guard. I struggle with what to say, not wanting to keep anything from her but also not wanting to upset her. “He’s been in Los Angeles. That’s where he works.”

“What does he do?”

“He’s in a band, playing music, and sings all around the world.”

“Hm,” she says and I’m not sure what she’s thinking. 

“So he didn’t want me?” and there it is. The knife in my heart makes it hard to keep the food down from earlier but I push through, remaining strong.

“Oh no sweety, that’s not true at all. He didn’t know for so long. It’s very complicated adult stuff. Things that took me a long time to understand myself” I try to explain to her. 

“Will you tell me when I’m older the complicated stuff?”

“Of course baby, I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know about him.”

“Is he nice?” Erin asks in a quiet shy voice, “Do you think he would like me?”

I wrap her up in my arms and squeeze her tightly, “he is very nice and he will like you very much I promise.” I run my hand down her head, soothing her soft brown hair.”Does that mean you’d like to meet him?”

The air is still in the room as Erin takes time to think. Her small face scrunched in concentration. “I think I would like to meet him, yes. But are things going to change? My friend Brody’s parents don’t live together and he goes to his dad’s house every other weekend. Do I have to do that now?” I pull her closer until my head is resting on top of hers. “Nothing will change without you making that decision. Right now, we take things one step at a time.” she nods her head and wraps her arms as tight as she can around me.

“Would you be interested in meeting him tomorrow? He will be leaving again soon with his band so we won’t see him again for a few weeks. I can tell him we can wait if you’d be more comfortable.” I’m also definitely scheduling an earlier therapy appointment for her this week. Her head remains buried in my side while she takes everything in. I am giving her all the time she needs to process, so if she wants to wait until he’s more available I don’t blame her. 

“I think I would like to meet him. But what if you just invited him over here? So I can show him my stuff and maybe he will like me even more?” 

I move back so I can take her small face into my hands. “I can do that but I need to to listen to me now, there is no one on this planet that could possibly not like you Erin Howlston and I know for a fact that he will love you so much because you are you and you are perfect,” I emphasize my point my giving her cheeks a little squeeze. “But you have to think that because you’re my mom.” she quips through pursed lips. “And he’s your father, so by your logic, he must also think that,” I argue back and I see her eyes turned down slightly in the corner.

“But he made you sad right? That’s why you broke up when you were in high school. I don’t want him to make you sad again.” My heart swells. While I drop an atomic bomb of information about her life she’s worried about my feelings. I must be doing something right with this whole parenting thing.

“Sweetie, that was a long time ago. My heart is all better now and I’m not sad anymore. I am so so so unbelievably happy with our life. With you and Aunt Haliey, Uncle Kyle and Aunt Mags, and little Natasha. I think Noah is a very good person and he wants to be in your life because he cares about you. Even without having met you.” She gives me a small smile and hugs me again.” okay, I want to meet him. You said tomorrow right?” she looks up at me with her deep brown eyes that have always been just like his. “Tomorrow it is. I will give him a call later today, but what do you want to do now? Play? We could watch a movie? Or draw together?”

Quickly detangling from my arms she races to pick up her paper and stretching pencils, “Drawing please! I need help with the cat I’m drawing.” 

We spend the next few hours drawing together on her bedroom floor laughing and listening to music. For Christmas last year she asked for a Google Mini so she could ask it to play music whenever she wanted. Now we are listening to “The Very Best Of Otis Redding”. When she was a baby I listened to it all the time. I used to sing “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long” while rocking her to sleep. Sometimes I walk by her room and she is listening to it while reading or playing with her toys and it reminds me of holding her when she was so little and how she would hold my finger so tightly.

I feel the tug of guilt in my gut about Noah having missed those moments but force it down, there’s nothing that can be done about the past but we can create new memories with the three of us together. Even if Noah and I aren’t together we can be the two parents that Erin needs. Maybe we can even be friends.

Later, once Erin wanted time alone to play with her toys I went into my room to call Noah. I haven’t been able to talk to Haylie about any of this yet, she woke up late with a hangover and had to run out of the house for the day to meet with her editor to talk about her next book release.

I close my door most of the way, only keeping a small sliver open in case Erin calls out for me. I sit on the edge of my bed and hit the green call button on my new Noah contact page, It rings a few times before I hear the sound of him picking up on the other end.

Hey! Natty, how are you doing? How’s it going?

Hi Noah, things are good. How are you? 

There’s rustling in the background of his call, “oohh is that Natalie??” I hear who I think is Folio.

Yes, shush…not you Nat! You don’t have to shush. Sorry, Folio is being an idiot.

I’m good, just working on some new remixes for our deluxe album.

I just finished talking with Erin and she suggested I invite you over tomorrow to meet. Is that okay?

Tomorrow sounds great! What time is good for you two?

How does 12:30 work? I can order us sandwiches from the sub shop in town, Erin’s favorite.

Perfect, 12:30 is perfect. Thank you so much, Natty. I won’t let you down again. I promise.

I try not to blush like a preteen at the way his voice goes almost breathless as he makes his promise to me. 

Um. so I’ll see you tomorrow then, bye!

I try to rush off the phone as fast as possible before I let myself word-vomit anything stupid.

Bye Natty, I’ll see you tomorrow, looking forward to seeing you and meeting Erin. 

A few minutes I hear Haylie unlock the door and head into the house and she calls out like she did the night before. “Honeys!! I’m home!” she calls from the front room. “Hey Hales!” Erin and I both call out.

Before I have the chance to call down to her to come up so I can relay everything that’s happened since we separated after the concert, she is racing up the stairs taking two at a time. She swings my door open, stepping into my room with a huge face-splitting smile on her face. “Sooo?? How did it go?” she asks moving closer into my room and creating the same small gap in the door before sitting down next to me on the bed. “Well, before I drunkenly barged in. sorry about that. That Folio knows how to throw them back, he’s pretty hot don’t you think?”

She has this twinkle in her eye when she says it and I laugh and roll my eyes at her. “It went well, he was a little upset at first which I wasn’t surprised by. He cried I cried, it was very emotional. He wants to meet her and then stay in Austin during their break in between tour dates.” As I recant my mind whirls and everything hits me more than I expected. “He said that he wanted this life with me, wanted the family and the happiness and the love that he should have fought harder for me, should have never let me go.” I try to keep my voice steady but I can feel my throat getting thick with emotion. Haylie wraps her arm around me and remains quiet while I continue telling her all about what happened. “And then when I was showing him pictures in her baby book there was this moment..” I slowly trail off and she pops forward and her eyes widen in surprise.

“What kind of moment?” she asks in a voice that goes all jelly-like and I manage to look slightly shameful before I tell her. That I so easily folded in his presence is borderline embarrassing, just shows how powerful his hold is still over my heart. But right now I can’t think with my heart, now is the time to think with my brain. While also considering Erin’s heart. 

“We might have almost kissed,” I tell her while I bury my face in my hands. “OH MY GOD! NATALIE !” she shrieks and I quickly throw my hands over her mouth. “Shush! Haliey oh my god, Erin will hear you!” and just like that I hear her little voice calling from down the hall, “everything okay in there?” she asks. “Yes!” “Everthing is fine!” we answer in unison and I think she retreats back into her room.

“You almost kissed him! How? What did he say? Did he lean in? How did he act after the almost kiss,” she shoots out the questions in a rapid-fire succession and I rub the sides of my temples before answering her. “Um. I guess he was kind of leaning in, he was doing that thing you know. When a guy looks between your eyes and your lips. I felt so weak. Oh my god, I almost kissed him, and then the book fell and I remembered what we were doing and why he was there and I felt so stupid.”

“You are NOT stupid! There were a lot of emotions flowing, you hadn’t had a moment alone with him in years and it’s not like when you broke up you two weren’t completely and totally in love with each other. It’s not like those feelings just go away.” she says while rubbing up and down along my back. 

“I just can’t do that with him, It’s not a good idea for the two of us to do anything that could jepordize Erin’s happiness.” I nod to myself, wiping one of my hands down my face and then raking them through my hair. Haliey and I flop backwards onto the pillows while I finish catching her up on everything that happened, including my conversation with Erin and then my phone call with Noah right before she got home. 

“You want me to clear out tomorrow so y’all have some privacy?” she asks and I balk at the thought. “No way! I would never ask you to leave your own house. Plus, you’re such an important person in Erin’s life, I’m sure she would also want you here.” 

The three of us spend the rest of our evening lounging in the living room watching TV in our pajamas. We make homemade pizzas and cookies for dinner together in the kitchen while singing along to Disney’s greatest hits. We end the night all cuddled together on the couch watching Erin’s favorite movie “The Secret Life of Arrietty” and when she falls asleep I carry her up the stairs into her room and deposit her into her bed. I gently kiss her forehead and turn on her glowing nightlight before closing the door and heading back to help Haylie finish cleaning the kitchen. 

The next day is quickly upon us and I nervously watch the clock ticking away as we get closer and closer to 12:30. I picked up the subs a few minutes ago so hopefully Noah isn’t late. No one likes a soggy sub.

Just seconds before the second-hand crosses over the 12 on the clock there is a knock on the door that causes me to jump straight out of my seat. Haylie laughs at me as she rubs my shoulders walking past and into her room. She told Erin that if she needed her at any time to just barge in and get her. I walk towards the door and Erin suddenly looks very nervous and gets up to hide behind my back. “Are you okay baby?” I ask her quietly before answering the door. She nods her head against my back and whispers, “Yes, I’m fine.” she gripping the back of my jeans but I think if she didn’t want to do this anymore she would say something, she’s just nervous. Hell, I’m nervous. 

I open the door and Noah is standing there with a bouquet of wildflowers in one hand and a stuffed monkey in the other. “Hi,” he says in a soft and nervous voice. I return his greeting with a warm smile. “Come on in” I open the door wider so he can come in and Erin scoots along with me not quite ready to reveal herself. “How are you doing?” he asks and hands the flowers over to me, “these are for you.” He gestures to the monkey, “And this is for Erin.” she peaks her head out from behind me and looks up towards Noah and the monkey. “That’s for me?” she asks quietly. Noah crouches down to be at her eye level and hands out the toy to her. “Yes, this is for you. Do you like monkeys?” He asks and I see a small smile appear on her face. “I do like monkeys. I saw some at the zoo a few days ago with my friend Ashely.” She holds out her hand to accept the offering. “Hi Erin.” he says with a warm smile, “I’m Noah, it’s very nice to meet you?” She slowly eases out from behind me and is now standing beside me and at eye level with Noah, still crouched. “It’s nice to meet you too. Even though you made my mom sad.” 

Oh, Jesus, this is going to be an interesting afternoon.

Next chapter

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Fourteen

its the halloween episode !

image source (x)

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie meet in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic

It’s two weeks until Noah’s birthday party and only a few days after that, he will leave to go on tour. He was able to get his leave of absence approved by the school. The counselor gave him a huge stack of papers and workbooks that he’s expected to complete to get the credit for the rest of the semester.

When I walk into Noah's room after his meeting I see the huge pile. “Wow,” I comment. “That's a lot!”

He nods in recognition and waves it off. “I can help you with some stuff before y’all leave again and when you get back I can be your tutor.”

Noah laughs “Only if you promise to dress up like a sexy librarian.” Giggling I playfully smack his shoulder. “You pig.”

He stands and wraps his arms around me, picking me up and swinging me on the bed. “Oh hush…you like it,” he winks and settles his body on top of mine. “Don’t worry about the school stuff. It’s the last thing on my mind… right now there's only one thing I can't stop thinking about.”

He says as he places kisses all over my face and down my neck, lightly sucking on the pulse point that's now pumping faster. Noah's hands begin to roam and squeeze my breasts gently as a soft moan escapes my mouth. Before anything gets any further we hear someone barging into the house.

Nick quickly rounds the corner of the hallway and shrieks when he sees us tangled together on the bed and covers his eyes dramatically. “WOAH! sorry! But dude! We have band practice!” Nick says and Noah collapses onto me. “Bro…horrible timing.” I scootch out from under him and adjust my clothes. “I guess I should probably head into work now.” Noah rounds the bed to where I am and wraps his arms around me. “I’ll be counting down the hours until you get back.” I laugh at his ridiculous words. “It won’t be that long, you can come and pick me up at 9,” I respond leaning up to kiss him softly ignoring Nick’s fake gags of disgust and Noah flips him off for both of us.

Thankfully we weren’t interrupted by Nick later that night.

The rest of the time before the party goes by pretty fast. I try not to push it, but Noah doesn’t do any of the schoolwork in those two weeks. Before I know it, it’s Halloween and Noah is dropping me off at work before heading back to his house to get ready for the party with Nick. 

Outside of the coffee shop, we spend a few minutes saying goodbye before I have to head in. “Happy birthday Noah,” I tell him in between kisses. “The happiest one now that I have you.” He responds sweetly against my lips. “I’ll see you tonight,” I say to him and then he says in his best Frankenstein voice “Until then my bride.” Laughing, I walk towards the coffee shop and wave before heading in. 

Work is slow, so Maggie and I can get ready during our shifts. She’s driving me back to the party when we’re off and will crash on the couch at Noah’s if she parties as hard as she's hoping to. I’m trying not to let other people's drinking upset me, not everyone has a problem like my mom, and we are only young once.  

It's 9 pm when we get the go-ahead from our manager to close up early for the night. We finish up our makeup and Maggie helps me get my hair to stand the right way. I didn’t want to get the wig so I’m doing my own take on Frankenstein’s Bride by wearing my hair in a 60’s style updo with sprayed white pieces, disheveled just enough to look like I was brought back to life with a lightening blast. Before heading to the party we swing by my house to pick up Noah’s gift. It’s a signet ring with a N on it that I saw at a vintage shop in town. I hope he likes it. After getting ready and then running by my house it's already 9:45 by the time we drive up to Noah's house. There’s already a lot of cars but we manage to find a spot that's not too far away. 

The front door is unlocked and we walk right in. It's a sea of people I don’t recognize, but a lot of people are wearing masks. “Nice costume.” a random guy comments and leers at me. The music is loud and unfamiliar. Maggie tells me to go find Noah and that she’s going to the kitchen to start taking shots. I laugh and shoo her away. I check around the living room and walk through the house. I don't see Noah or any people I’ve met at the shows I’ve been to. I do notice, however, a lot of people are drinking or already drunk. Deep breaths Natalie, you’re fine. Making my way through the rest of the house I decide to check the garage. 

I find Noah with Nick and more people I don’t recognize smoking weed and drinking out of red Solo cups. I notice Alex, the girl from the other band is here too, with a lit joint hanging out of her mouth. 

“Looks like the girlfriend finally showed up,” Alex says with a weird edge that I can’t quite place. I notice Nick’s brows furrow slightly at her but he seems to shrug it off and nods to greet me with a smile. “How was work Nat?” he asks and at the same time, Noah yells “myyy briiiide!! She has returned!” 

“It was good” I laugh in answer to Nick as Noah strides the short distance between us and pulls me close to press a firm kiss against my lips and then sweeps me up into his arms causing a surprising squeal to escape me. “I must away with my bride.” Noah jokes as he takes me through the party into his room so we can have a few minutes alone to talk. Laughing at his antics, I wrap my arms around his neck and press a kiss to his cheek leaving a red lipstick mark. I move to wipe it but he moves his head away too fast. “No way Natty, keep it there.” I continue giggling as we pass more unfamiliar voices until we reach his room. Fumbling with the door while trying to balance me in his arms he manages to finally get it open and throws me onto the bed, kicking it shut again behind him. 

Sitting up and straightening out my dress I reach into the small shoulder bag I was carrying to pull out the box and card. “Happy birthday Noah.” I smile and hand them both to him as he settles down on the bed next to me. “Natty! You didn't have to get me anything.” I can tell Noah is a little stoned by the goofy way he’s talking but it’s kind of cute. “You’re already my best present.” He nuzzles his head into my neck and leaves a wet kiss. I move my hand to cup his face “And you’ll get plenty of me later, now open your gift.” His eyes sparkle with delight. “Yes ma’am” he jokes and he opens the card to read it. 

 Happy birthday Noah, I hope this is one of the best ones. 

*Inside is several pictures printed out of Noah and Natalie. Smiling, Kissing. One of Natalie on Noah's back, both laughing.

“Baaaabe this is so fucking cute,” Noah says and leans over to kiss me. Smiling into it I tell him “There’s more, open the box.” I say to him.

Noah opens the box and sees the silver ring. “Oh wow Nat, this is awesome!” He pulls it out and puts the ring on his ring pointer finger. “N for Natalie right?” I shake my head “No, N for Noah.” He cups his hands around my face and leans to press a kiss to my lips. “N for Natalie.” Melting into the kiss I don’t have the energy to disagree. 

When we emerge from his room an hour or so later, slightly disheveled, I tell him I’m going to look for Maggie to check on her. When I find her she’s stumbling down the hallway and I manage to catch her before she collapses on the ground. “Naaatyyyyy there you are!! Did you find Noah and give him your present? Oh! Looks like you gave him more than that. You have sex eyes.” Hiking her arm over my shoulder to hold her up I lead her into the nearest bathroom. “Let's just get you cleaned up.” Upon seeing the toilet, Maggie is quick to rush over and empty out the contents of her stomach. Coming up behind her, I gently pat her back in soothing circles. I’m used to this part, the sickness that follows the highs of a drunken night. Your worries for that moment are gone and you can just be loose and fun..at least that’s how some people make it look. 

We stay in the bathroom for a while and I get Maggie cleaned up and help her into Noah's Mom’s room. It’s dark and quiet, the perfect place for her to crash for the night. Leading her onto the bed I lay her down and pull the trash can to the side in case she gets sick again. 

I try and push my way through the wall of people that as grown. I didn’t even know Noah had this many friends. I bump into people as I navigate my way toward the kitchen, having to make my way through the dance floor that is really just the living room. Some guy bumps into me and sloshes his warm beer onto my outfit and I’m overwhelmed by the smell. “Oh- burp- sorry,” he says and I wave him off just trying to get out of the mess of strange people and smells. My eyes are scanning the crowds to try and find Noah’s familiar face. After what feels like an eternity I manage to push my way to the kitchen where I hear his laugh and sigh with relief. 

Noah, Nick, Alex, and other people I met in the garage are all gathered in the kitchen drinking. I wasn’t gone with Maggie for that long, I thought, but I guess it was long enough for them to have drank a significant enough amount to get tipsy. “Baaabe you found us!” Noah slurs and he slings his arm around my shoulder. I laugh softly and lean into his warmth. “Yeah, Maggie is crashing in your Mom’s room. She had a little too much to drink.” I take his cup and take a small sip. “Jesus, you want some mixer with your tequila?” I joke as I hand him the drink back and untangle myself to grab a water bottle before retuning to his side. 

“Let’s do shots!” Alex shouts from the kitchen counter that she’s perched on. One of the other guys lines up a bunch of shot glasses and pours a bottle of something in them and starts handing them out. I politely decline and I hear Alex scoff. “You can’t even let loose for Noah’s birthday? Come on Natalie..live a little.” She says and Nick starts to say something but I cut in “I’ll have plenty of time to let loose with Noah later.” I look up at Noah and wink while remaining tucked into his side while Alex rolls her eyes.

Raising their shots in the air they all call out “Happy birthday Noah!” and Alex ends with “Congrats to the birthday boy for joining us degens in the dropout club.” They down their shots and it takes me a second to register what she just said. 

“What are you talking about? Noah’s not dropping out. Right?” My eyes move to Noah’s and he is stuck staring guiltily at the floor. “What is she talking about Noah?” I ask.

“You told me you told her already man,” Nick says. “Um, why don’t we talk about this later Nat,” Noah says in a hushed whisper. I feel like the friend at the party that wasn’t invited to the sleepover after. Like the only one that doesn’t understand the inside joke. 

“Noah, what is she talking about? I thought you were finishing remotely? That’s what you told me.” I tell him and he shifts uncomfortably. 

“Yeah..rockstars don't have a lot of time for homework on the road…” Alex says again and I don’t know what comes over me but I’m sick of hearing this girl I don’t even know talk to me like she has any say in anything. My hand flies up, motioning Alex to stop talking. “Just shut up.” I seethe at her and I angle my head to face Noah again. 

“So when were you planning on telling me? Just talked it all over with Alex and made the decision together?” I snap at him and walk out of the kitchen in search of fresh air. 

Noah is stumbling after me trying to catch up. The front door slams behind him as he grabs my arm and whips me back around to him. “Natty, you’re being fucking dramatic. What the fuck was that? I get you're upset but it’s my birthday, that was fucking embarrassing.” 

I rip my arm back tears falling down my face at his outburst. “Embarrassing? You know what’s embarrassing? Having some bitch I don’t even know have more insight about my boyfriend’s life than me! How long were you going to keep up the lie that you’re still in school?” I ask.

 He looks way more fucked up in the moonlight, It makes my skin itch with discomfort. “I don’t know what hurts me more, the fact that you’ve been lying to me for weeks about something so stupid or that the only person who said anything was some girl who for some reason hates me,” I say and tears are spilling down my face. Noah stumbles closer, moving to wipe them but I take another step back. Everything else disappears, all I can focus on is Noah and all I can feel is a deep and heavy dread. The seedling of jealousy sprouted into an untamable beast. 

“Natalie, please just let me explain,” Noah says. “I just- looking at all that work? Just for this degree that doesn’t fucking matter, It would have been a waste of time.” 

“But why didn’t you tell me? All this time you knew you were just dropping out and you didn’t tell me? Was I just supposed to find out at graduation?” My voice is breaking and exasperated. “I just- I don’t know why you would keep that from me.”

“I just-” he starts. “I didn’t think you’d understand.” Noah breathes out. “You’re all about school and grades and shit and that just doesn’t matter to me. Alex dropped out and her band is thriving, because she can focus all of her time on it.” 

“Yeah, and I’m sure Alex is thinking about what’s in your best interest.” I wipe the tears off my face with the back of my hand. “I can’t believe you didn’t think I’d understand Noah. I asked you to consider your possibilities.” More tears are falling and I see that his eyes are glistening slightly. “I said I supported you and you lied to me.” 

“I didn’t lie..technically.” He says and I can tell he barely believes it himself. 

“So what else are you not technically telling me the truth about?” The question leaves my mouth before I have time to stop it.

“That's not fair Natalie, I didn’t intentionally keep it from you to hurt you.” Noah retorts. “Do you really think I would keep things from you?”

“You did! You just did Noah! You thought I would judge you, not like your new friends who all don’t care about anything right? Natalie only cares about school and grades. Boring ol’d Natalie couldn’t possibly understand anything about your lifestyle right?” It’s a mixture of feeling like an outsider, at the party and tonight in my own relationship. 

“Natty, please don’t cry.” Noah comes closer and I don’t step back when he wipes the tears from my face that have continued to fall. Even harder now that he’s comforting me. How fucked up is that the person that’s causing my tears is the only person I want to help me feel better. “I don’t want to make you cry again.” 

My eyes are fixed on the ground. “I can’t help but think where I fit into all of this. your life is so different from mine, is there even room for me in it anymore.” 

“Natalie, I love you. What do you even mean?” Noah says pulling my chin up to meet his eyes and I can still smell the alcohol on his breath. My own eyes are red-rimmed and clouded with tears that have refused to stop falling.

 “I think I’m going to head home and we can talk in the morning when you’re sober, I’m just going to call Kyle to come and get me since Maggie is not good to drive.” 

He takes a step back and something flashes across his face I don't recognize. “Not too long ago, I was the one you were calling to rescue you from him and now look at us. This isn’t what I wanted Nat. I - I didn’t want this to happen.” 

“I know Noah, let’s not fight about this. It’s your birthday, you should go have fun. I’m just going to head out. The drinking and everything, It’s just too much for me. I thought I could handle it, but its just - its to much.” 

I call Kyle and have a hard time holding back the emotion in my voice, he’s at a party a few minutes away and he’ll be there soon. Noah sits with me on the curb while I wait for him to pull up. 

Ten minutes later Kyles whipping out of the car and over to my side. I get up to go not seeing the rage in Kyle’s eyes, not noticing he was heading straight for Noah who stood up with me.

“I knew you’d pull some stupid shit like this and now she’s calling me fucking crying because of your bullshit,” Kyle says as he’s surprises me by pushing Noah back further onto the front lawn.

“Kyle! Let’s just go, please. Come on! stop.” I’m pulling Kyle back and I guess the commotion alerted the people inside and the others are gathered out the front door. Nick runs to help create more of a separation between the two. “Nick, can you grab Maggie and bring her down? I’m going to head home.” He nods and moves to go get her. With Kyle distracted Noah uses the chance to take a swing. “Fuck you man! You don’t know anything. I love her.” 

I move out of the way in time to miss any of the punches Kyle takes and watch in horror. He wipes blood from his mouth and says “Yeah, you love fucking up her life,” then he pounces. Swinging his full strength at Noah. “Shit!” I say and try to pull them apart taking an accidental elbow in the commotion of it all. Someone else pulls Noah away and Kyle and I stumble back as Nick returns with Maggie hanging off of his shoulders. “What the fuck!” Nick yells and I’m too preoccupied with my now bleeding nose. “Ow.” I mumble and Kyle turns to see my blood-drenched dress. “Oh shit, Nat. Are you okay?” he asks and I glare my eyes at him. “No, I’m not fucking okay. Get Maggie. Let’s go.” Looking up I see Noah standing next to Alex of all people, he sees my nose and deflates. “Natty-” he starts. “Just let her go,” Alex says and I can see him struggle with what to do. “I’ll call you tomorrow okay?” he says in a small voice. 

“Okay,” I respond as the three of us get into the car and drive away from the scene I unintentionally created. On the drive home, I just lay my head against the cold glass as fresh hot tears stream down my face. 

Once I’m home I climb up the stairs while Kyle sets Maggie up in the guest room. I shower and wash the makeup and blood from my face. Looking into the mirror I can tell I’ll probably have a black eye from the hit I took to the nose. Despite the adrenaline from the fight I’m out as soon as my head touches my pillow.

I wake up late and around 10 am I have a text from Noah asking me if I can meet him outside to talk. 

Noah’s face is red and blotchy when I get to him and he takes a breath when he sees the purple bruising around my eyes. “Fuck Nat, was that me?” He asks in a weak voice. 

I touch the tender skin and shrug. “A lot was going on, It could have been Kyle but it was an accident.” 

“I’m sorry about last night Noah, I shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that,” I say to him and the wind picks up blowing my hair around. He’s wearing a beanie and his hair stays calm against the nape of his neck. “Why are you apologizing? I should be apologizing to you.” He says and his voice breaks. “God, I was such a drunk ass.” 

“I should have waited to talk to you about it in private. Yelling at you in front of everyone was so lame.” My voice is calm and even now that we are away from the chaos of the party. 

“I should have never lied to you Natalie, that was fucked up. I should have told you from the start that I planned to drop out. I can’t believe I yelled at you. Fought your brother. Again. And you ended up hurt and crying.” He’s rambling now, which is usually my thing. “I always seem to be the one hurting you lately.”

“That’s not true Noah. It was a stupid fight. It’s okay.” I try to reassure him.

He looks up at me and his eyes are glossy with tears. “Noah, what’s wrong?” I ask suddenly worried. 

“Nat. I love you so much.” He says and a single tear runs down his cheek.

“I love you too,” I tell him. 

“I love you, but I can’t do this.” his words break at the end and I don’t know what he’s saying.

“Can’t do what?” I ask as the world stands still.

“I can’t do this anymore. We can’t be together. I’m not good for you.”  Now more tears are falling down his face and I don’t even notice my own have started falling as well.

“You’re breaking up with me?” My voice squeezes out.

“I’m sorry Nat - you’ll be better off without me.” He wipes his tears and tries to put on a brave face. “It’s for the best.”

And my heart shatters. 

“I’m sorry Noah, I’m so sorry. Please don’t do this. I love you.” I move to bury my head against his chest and his breath hitches. 

“We can’t Natalie. I- We just can’t. I can’t be what you need right now.” He says.

I take a deep shuttering breath and step away seeing the stains my tears left on his shirt.

“There’s nothing else I can say.” I stare at the ground. “You’ve already made up your mind.” 

“I’m sorry, It’s for the best.” He gives me one last lingering kiss on the forehead and quickly moves to get back into his car. No longing stares and waves goodbye, he just takes off and leaves me a blubbering mess on my front yard.

crying and screaming and throwing up ....NOOOO WHYYYY

next ->

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Sixteen

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie meet in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic @laurpartyprogram @jessitpwk

“Just hand me another one” my voice races out in a choked whisper. Maggie looks at me sympathetically and reluctantly hands one over. We’re in her bathroom because I didn’t want the trash in my house incase Kyle saw. “Nat, I don’t think this one will be any different. It’s been the same for two days.”

Panic floods my body, “it can’t be the same, they’re wrong. They have to be wrong. There’s no way this is happening right now” my breathing is short and hollow and my heart feels like it’s going to break out of my chest, “I can’t- I can’t do-do this right now” I rasp out and fold in on myself, crumpling onto the ground, suddenly lightheaded with the heaviness of reality. Maggie rushed to my side and starts rubbing my back. I try to match my breathing to the gentle up and down of her hand against my back. “Nat, it’s going to be okay.” Maggie tries to reassure me but I can hear the panic in her own voice. “Okay!? How is any of this okay?! What am I going to do?” I sob and Maggie wraps her arms around me. I bury my face into her shoulder and I start to shake as I begin to cry even harder. 

Maggie rubs my back until I calm down a bit. “Are you going to call him?” She asks quietly. Sniffling I go grab a tissue and splash some cold water on my face.  “I guess I have to, right? God…what am I going to say?” I pace the bathroom floor anxiously biting my fingernails.

“Oh hey Noah, I know we haven’t talked in three months since you left me, again, after drunkenly sleeping together but I’m pregnant!!…that’s INSANE Maggie!”

I can hear the frantic edge in my voice and I accidentally bite too far down on my nail “ow! Fuck! Okay maybe I don’t tell him? That’s not a terrible idea” I say to myself as I throw the tests on the counter into the trash can. 

“Well, that doesn’t seem like a great idea. You have time to figure things out! If you even want to go through with it.” Maggie says and her voice is gentle and comforting. “Like…get rid of it? I don’t know…I don’t know if I could. I just need to think. I need some time.” I wash my hands and stare at myself in the mirror. “I’ll call him I guess, he should know, even if we’re not together.” I say to my reflection and think “how the fuck is this my life.” 

Later that night I’m sitting in my room and reflecting on the past three months since the last time I saw Noah. I was different when he left this time. I didn’t fall into a pit of despair, I went out with Maggie and had a life. Don’t get me wrong, I was sad. But I was also mad. Furious. I was so mad at Noah for leaving and just forgetting me. Like I meant nothing to him. Kyle thankfully never brings it up, he was right after all. Noah just came into my life, dug and planted himself in my heart and then ripped it out and stomped on it..

Things at work and school were great. I’m passing everything with A’s and even made a 100 on my last Econ exam. At work Maggie and I are making amazing tips and we even got a raise. 

Life has been good, so of course the universe has to send me this atomic bomb. Looking down at my still flattish stomach I poke it “why are you doing this to me? Do you have any idea what this means for my life?” I ask the life growing inside me. Groaning, I roll over and grab my phone off the charger. “Just call and get it over with. Rip off the band aid” I say to myself and press the green call button on Noah’s contact page. 

Ring Ring Ring Ring 

*click* 

You must be a witch…he was just lamenting about you and here you are calling his phone 

I’m sorry? Who is this? This is Noah’s phone right?

Yeah, he’s a little busy right now. It’s Alex. Remember me?

Oh um yeah hi, listen I really need to talk to Noah.

 Like right now please, it’s pretty important.

god you're not pregnant are you? Ha!

…..

Oh my god. You’re not. Don’t tell me you’re pregnant. 

…it’s really none of your business. Can you just get Noah please. 

You’ll ruin his life you know? 

His whole career. He will throw it all away for you. 

Is that what you want?

no..I just..he should know. 

He doesn’t have to be involved but he deserves to know. 

Yeah, I know Noah enough to tell he’s not the kind of guy that wouldn’t be there. 

Just end it or keep it but unless you want him to throw everything he’s worked for away don’t tell him. I won’t tell him you called -

Wait- *click*

“That bitch!” I yell into the air. Fuck. I think about texting Nick. I have half the message typed out on my phone and Alex’s words echo in my mind. “You’ll ruin his life. You’ll ruin his career.” Noah would drop everything, but, would he just end up resenting me in the long run for pulling him away from his dreams? Would he resent this baby? I delete the text and throw my phone back down on the bed as hot tears stream down my face. 

“What am I going to do?” I say to myself. I need to come up with a plan. I stare at my ceiling for hours thinking. I can’t have a baby here. My crazy mom as a grandmother? Yeah right, and what then? I just hide being pregnant and then hide the baby? That’s insane. I would need to leave. “Ugh” I throw a pillow at my wall. What the fuck am I going to do?

Maggie didn’t know what to say, she doesn’t want me to leave but also understands why I might want to. I don’t know how to talk to Kyle about it. I don’t know if I want to tell him. Not yet at least. If I leave, do I need to tell anyone? That’s horrible, isn’t it?. 

I trudge through the next week of school and on Friday morning I walk into my guidance counselors office. I’ve been discussing all my after graduation plans with Mr. Montree since sophomore year. Without giving my situation away I ask him about the possibility of getting approved for early graduation. 

“Why so early hon? They’re isn’t much time left in the semester, you’re already halfway there” he tells me and his voice is sweet and smooth. My eyes dart back and forth scanning the pictures and certificates he has hung on the wall. “As soon as possible really, I know the semester is almost up, I just have some personal reasons for needing to graduate now.” I explained to him, I’ve mentioned to him the issues my mom has had so maybe he’ll just assume it has to do with her. Nodding his head he continues typing into the keyboard and checking over my files. “Well Natalie, you’re an incredibly gifted student, you have more than enough credits to graduate. You could have graduated last fall as a matter of fact. But, I want you to be sure of your decisions, this is a big thing. Graduation should be a celebration!” His smile is so warm and welcoming. “I’ve thought about it and what’s best for me is to graduate now. As much as I’d love to be a normal teenager, that’s just not in the cards for me right now.” He gives me a look that makes me nervous, like he knows exactly what I’m talking about but he doesn’t say anything, just smiles again and nods. “Very well hon, I can have the paperwork processed by the end of the day.” I thank him and walk out of the front office. I finish the rest of my day in the art room, gathering my works in progress and other finished pieces I had stored in the room and by the end of the day I’m officially a high school graduate. At least I have that, if nothing else. I unconsciously place my hand on my stomach, “I guess we have each other little one” I whisper to myself. 

Once I’m home I flop onto my bed and check my email. I have a couple responses from the listings I inquired about. The one I was hoping for responded saying she’d love to offer me the space. “Am I really doing this?” I ask myself. I should try to call Noah again. Taking out my phone I open his contact again and press the call button. 

*beep* *beep* “ we’re sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service.”

Alone then. I’m doing this alone. 

My plan is crazy, it’s reckless, it’s cowardly and it’s possible the only thing I can think to do that will save me from my own heartbreak. I have to leave. I’ll do whatever it takes to give this kid a better chance at happiness, I’ll be the mom I always wished for. I’ll figure out the Noah thing. There’s still time for all of those things to work themselves out. 

I take out my notebook and write a note to Kyle. 

Ky ,

I’m sorry to do this so suddenly. I know we’ve been getting closer and there’s nothing that makes me happier. But I need to leave. In time I will tell you everything. 

Love always, 

Natty

Unexpected tears fall onto the paper and I write one for Maggie as well. None for my Mom. None for my Dad. They haven’t cared about where I was in years, this will be no different. 

Printing out my ticket I finished packing my duffel and backpack with all of the things I could carry, my laptop, as many art supplies as I can fit and that box in the corner of my closet. I take it out and stare at it, I consider throwing it away and then I bury it at the bottom of my bag. I don’t know what will happen to the rest of the stuff in my room, they can throw it all away. I don’t care anymore. 

I take the bus to the Greyhound station and check in for my bus to Austin. Standing at the steps before entering, I pause and look back at the city where it all began. Where I met Noah and fell in love. Where he broke my heart and left me. I take the steps and find a seat towards the back. Ready to take on my new life and protect the new life growing inside me. 

A couple days later the bus is pulling to stop and I exit. Turing around and take in my new city, the air is hot and dry. I have a room rented with an old woman, Gwen, I found her on craigslist and she agreed to meet me at the station to give me a ride. Her grandaughter used to live with her and she wanted to rent out the room to someone for a little extra money. She seemed nice over the phone and I needed a place to stay fast that wasnt too expensive so I could keep looking for a place in the meantime. I didnt tell her I was pregnant, hopefully I’ll be out of her place before I’m showing too much. 

“Hi! Natalie right?” the woman, Gwen, greets me at the front of the station and offers a welcoming hug. “Yes, Hi, Gwen its so nice to meet you.” I say returning the hug. I am strangely emotional. Leaving the insanity that was my childhood home behind and coming to a big new city is already a lot. Add on top of that I’m sixteen weeks pregnant, according to the urgent care doctor I saw before I left, eighteen and dont have a job. That will need to change soon. “Well, I’m sure youre exhausted from that long trip. Lets head home and we will get you settled.” Gwen says and leads me to her car. 

A while later I’m resting in  my new room and I pull out my phone to turn it back on. I powered it off before leaving and have been to nervous until know to turn it on. I have missed texts and calls but I dont address them right now. First I call Kyle. The phone rings a few times before he answers. 

Nat! I’ve been calling and texting, what the hell did you do? You’re leaving school and running away? What the fuck!

I’m sorry Ky

Tears are filling my eyes.

I had to leave, I want to tell you. I cant right now.

Are you okay? What do you mean you cant tell me?

Kyles voice barks out. 

I’m okay Kyle and I didn't leave school. I got my degree, I graduated early so I could leave.

But why did you leave? What happened? Does this have to do with Noah? Are you with him?

It does have to do with him yes, but we aren't together. Kyle, I swear I am okay. I just need to deal this on my own, but I promise I’ll tell you everything soon.

Okay, okay. I’m just worried about you Nat. You’re the last person I’d think would ever run. Maggie wouldnt tell me anything. Does she know?

I know you’re worried Ky, I’m sorry for that. I had to leave, I just had to. Maggie knows but leave her alone, she's done more for me than you will ever know.

Kyle and I continue to talk and I make sure to let him know I’m getting a new number soon.

Weeks fly by and I settle in comfortably, I find a job at coffee shop and I really like it. My coworker Hailey is a few years older and really nice. We’ve become fast friends and she’s shown me around town. We’re hanging out at zilker park one saturday morning and something off is in the air and it hits me. The nausea takes me by surprise and next thing I know I’m leaning over a trash can hurling my guts out. Hailey is rubbing my back as I continue to barf up my breakfast. “Dang, gir! Are you okay? Are you getting sick?” she asks. I reach for my water from the bag I dropped next to me and she helps and hands it to me.

I swish the water in my mouth and spit it out. “I’m something all right.” I say to her and wipe the sweat thats gathering on my forehead. “I’m pregnant.” I tell her and at first she laughs, thinking I was joking and then pauses. “Oh shit, you’re serious.” I nod and we walk over to a bench to sit. “Yeah, i’m serious.” I say and lean my head back to try and ease the spinning in my head. “Is that why you left home? Got knocked up and ran away?” She asks and it doesn't feel like judgement, just genuine curiosity. “Tale as old as time. My boyfriend broke up with me and then we had drunk sex, he left, I found out I was pregnant and now here we are.”

The spinning in my head slows before she speaks again. “Shit, Natalie. You have a plan?” she asks the million dollar question, the one I’ve been asking myself everyday. “Um, well. Save up some more money, find a place to live and find a job I can do from home after I have the baby.” Haylie nods, “okay, I have some friends you should meet. You’re an artist right?” I nod, “My sister works at a female owned tattoo shop, they need a new apprentice, would you want me to mention you to her?” I think about it for a second, that could at least get my foot in the door for a possible career. “Yeah, why not!” I say and then we pick up our things and we walk back to the parking lot so she can give me a ride home. 

Three months later, June. 22 weeks along

“Well honey, I want you to be sure to call me and let me know how you're doing at least every couple weeks. I want to make sure you’re taking good care of yourself and that little angel you’re cooking in there” Gwen smiles at me as Haylie helps me finish cleaning the room I was renting in Gwen’s house. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me Gwen” I reply back as I finish folding the last of my clothes and pack them away. Living with Gwen these last few months has been great, of course I ended up telling her about the baby and she’s been surprisingly supportive, “you will have to be so strong for this child, but if you ever feel the weight of it all is too much you must have people to help you. Call on me when you ever need help” she told me and I don’t know if it was the hormones or just the fact that an older woman was treating me like the mother I’ve craved for so long but I just started sobbing. 

Haylie offered to let me move into her house with her, it’s pretty spacious. Her dad owns it and lets her stay in it for free, pretty good deal if you ask me.  He’s charging me next to nothing and that’s great since I’m taking more hours apprenticing at the shop Haylie set me up with. Haylie doesn’t want him to charge me anything but I didn’t allow that. We’ve become fast friends in these last months. So much of our lives parallel each other’s. She’s super creative, a writer, and she’s working on a book about a magical fae world. It’s amazing and I’ve been inspired to draw again because of it. Her mom is also an alcoholic and took a lot of the attention away from her growing up.

Her dad’s trying to make up for it now, showering her with money and gifts. We differ a little bit there, my dad didn’t notice for weeks I was gone and then practically strangled the information out of Kyle. He got my number called to check in, rather furiously and I was able to diffuse him slightly. Of course keeping out the pregnancy part, he would flip and probably hunt Noah down for sport. 

Apprenticing has also been going great. Haylie’s sister, Rachel, let me start on a trial basis and I ended up getting along with all of them so well they offered me the spot permanently. Anna, the owner, opened the shop with the intention of creating a safe environment for women to get tattooed. I think she also took a little pity on me, she also had a kid when she was a teenager. She told me that after the baby is born I can bring them in until I figure out daycare. 

Maggie and I talk almost everyday and I constantly send her updates about the baby. She still hasn’t told Kyle but he’s apparently going by the coffee shop a lot to see her. At first it was to ask about me but now it sounds like he’s just liking her company. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it but they seem happy as friends and that’s good I guess. Kyle needs a good friend. 

July. 27 weeks along

I’ve told Haylie all about Noah so when she finds out his band will be in town for a show she’s telling me I have to try again to see him. “You’re saying he doesn’t know and from everything you’ve told me he sounds like an idiot that thought he was doing what he thought was best for you. He’s obviousl still in love with you. You should try, just once more” she implores and I begrudgingly agree. “I’ll go, just to see if we can talk but this is going to be a shock, he could be pissed.” Haylie rolls her eyes, “if he’s pissed at you, lll punch his face in, deal?” I laugh and accept her terms. 

Later that night we’re in a smoke filled venue full of rowdy drunk people and I’m ready to leave. Haylie helps me navigate towards a safe corner while we wait for the music to begin. I wish I was here for any other reason, just to see an old friend, or just seeing a random band play. Not to see Noah, for the first time in months, pregnate and surprising him at his show. This is crazy, “We should leave,” I say in a panic and move to stand up and just then they call for his band to go on I feel every bone in my body buckle, every nerve on edge. I’m frozen and then they start playing and everything around me is blown away, like dusk. Through the smoke filled room my eyes are glued onto Noah and his voice as they sing new songs I haven’t heard before. For a second I could swear our eyes met. 

The set is over before I know it and Haylie is eyeing me cautiously as I just sit there, stuck in my seat for several minuets. “Well, he’s done. Are you going to go find him?” She asks. I’m thrown back into my body and notice tears have fallen, “god, I’m so sick of crying!” I exclaim as I stand up to try and find where the green room is and wipe my face clean. I notice the manager of the band they’re touring with standing outside a door with an “employees only” sign.

“Hey! Kevin right? I’m a friend of Nicholas and Noah’s, could I just sneak back there to see them really quick?” I ask in the sweetest voice I can muster. He looks me up and down, notices my stomach and I can see wheels turning in my eyes.“Hi….. yeah, Noah’s a little busy right now. But I’m sure He’ll be ready for round two as soon as he’s finished up” he says and then has the audacity to wink at me. Fucking slime ball.

Does Noah really have some girl back there? That’s why he wanted to break up? So he could just be free to sleep with whoever he wanted to while he was on the road.

I’m frozen in place, I don’t even say anything to Kevin I just turn and rush out of the venue with Haylie calling after me. She reaches me outside and I just bury my head into her shoulder as sobs take over me. I’ve been crying a lot lately. These last few weeks my emotions are all over the place and seeing Noah sing, hearing he’s just fucking any other girl that comes around. It’s to much for me. 

September 17, 2013

“Give me my phone! Please I need to call Kyle. I can’t believe this is happening!” I cry as another contraction hits and I crumble over in pain. Haylie was with me at home when my water broke and rushed me to the hospital. I’m just waiting now, only 5 centimeters dilated and the contractions are killing me. “You want to call him right now?” She asks as she hands me my phone.. “Yes, I need him to know. Incase- incase anything happens” I dial his number and try to breathe through the pain. 

ring ring ring

“Hey Nat! What’s up?”

“Uuuuhhhg fuuck! This fucking hurts Haylie. What the FUCK!”

I take a deep breath again,

“Kyle, there’s something I need to tell you” 

“Nat? Are you okay? why does it sound like you’re in pain” 

“I am, fuck. I am in so much pain right now. That’s why I called.”

“Natty?? Are you okay?? What happened?” 

“Ky, don’t be mad. Please.”

“Mad? Why would I be mad?”

“I'm having a baby”

“You’re pregnant?! You never even mentioned you were seeing someone” 

“No- no Kyle. You don’t understand. I'm having a baby. Like right now.”

“owwwwee Fuck!”

He’s quiet for a long time and I try to keep my heartbeat down and focus on my breathing like my doctor said. 

“You’re having a baby? Right now?”

“Yes, Ky. I’m having a baby. Right now” 

“Whos baby Natalie.”

“He doesn’t know, I’ve tried to tell him Ky, I just- it’s just not going to work out. It’s fine. I’ll be okay. But I wanted my brother to know he’s about to be an Un-FUCK!”

I cry as the next contractions hits even faster than before. 

“That’s 5 minutes!” Haylie calls out, “we need the doctor! He said that means the baby is coming!” She scrambles and runs out of the room hollering for a doctor. 

“Kyle- Kyle I have to go. The baby is coming. Come visit soon please. Bring Maggie. I love you” 

“Wait Natalie, don’t hang up! w-wait. Does Maggie know?!”

“I have to go!” 

*click*

After three hours of pushing and crying and screaming I’m holding my daughter in my arms. “Will you take a picture of us?” I ask Haylie and she grabs my polaroid from the bag I packed for the hospital. I look down at the sweet baby, wrapped tightly in a soft pink blanket and I kiss her head. “My sweet Erin, I will always be there for you, no matter what.” I kiss her forehead and then hug her softly against my chest as Haylie snaps a picture. “So cute” she comments as she shakes the film and hands it to me. “Shes the most precious thing, I can’t believe I’m a mom.” my voice shakes a little at the end and Haylie shootches me over in the bed and sits next to me, pulling me into her and wrapping Erin and I close. “You’ll be the best mom ever, and I’ll be auntie Hales. I’m with ya for it all.” I lean into her and sigh, “Thank you for everything Haylie, I think she’s got a shot at a pretty good life.” I say and we both look down at her sleeping face, “I’m going to write Noah, one last try can’t hurt right? I don’t want him to miss her life, look at her, she’s everything.” 

I sent the letter. Weeks went by and I heard nothing. Everything I have left is for my daughter now.

I have to let him go.

Meanwhile………

NOAH POV

“What do you mean you’re going to use it? It’s our song, you can’t just use it.” I seethe at Alex, the snake in disguise as it would seem. “Oh but don’t you see Noah? I can” she taunts. “You signed the contract to join our label, that means that your intellectual property belongs to the label. Songs, demos, art, merch….the label owns it and you get a percentage. Y’all signed the papers…maybe you should have read it.”

I stand up and slam my hands on the table “that’s bullshit Alex! I didn’t sign anything that would have allowed that!”

I argue with her and she tuts and Julius, our drummer, interjects “yeah, I signed that.” I turn to him dumbfounded. “What the fuck? Why would you sign that shit without us dude? That’s not how the band fucking works.” I say and hit Nicholas across the chest, “dude are you going to say anything?” I ask him exasperated.

“The contract? It’s only for Iron Vendetta right?” Nicholas asks Alex and she shrugs, “yeah” she huffs out annoyed. Nicholas stands up and adjusts his jacket, “then I fucking quit. And so does Noah” he adds and I can’t help but nod slowly. “Yeah, fuck this shit Alex. I’d rather start all over again than be attached to you and your shitty label!” Alex laughs, “you’re both replaceable, just because you quit doesn’t mean Iron Vendetta is done.”

I took at Mikey and Julius, “keep the band. I don’t really care, if this is what y’all want then have at it. I'm not about to be owned by some soul sucking bitch.” Nicholas and I gather the rest of our stuff and leave the studio.

“What the fuck are we going to do now?” I ask Nicholas as we walk aimlessly towards my car. “You could try to get your life together? You’ve been fucking miserable lately and I know it’s because you miss Natalie and you know you made a mistake.” My head falls into my hands and I let out a loud groan, “uuuuhhg I know Nick, okay. I know, but I fucked it all up. She doesn’t want to talk to me. I can’t even call her, I tried. She changed her number” I grumble out and he nods. “We could just head home while we figure everything out? You can talk to her in person instead?” It’s a good idea. We can crash at Nick's parents house while we put together something new, something even better than Iron Vendetta. Hopefully something with a better name. 

The drive home is quick and I think Nick was happy to have some down time while we figured out our next moves. He said that he’s heard about some guys he thinks we would work well with. I let him take the lead with that for now, I only have on thing on my mind. I want to see Natalie and try to win her back. I drive to her house, stopping to grab some flowers before, thats what guys are always doing in those cheesy romance movies.

Driving up to her house I’m nervous, I hope she will just talk to me and let me do everything I can to win her back but when I pull up to park theres a “for sale” sign in the front yard with a giant “sold” sticker stuck to it. “What the fuck,” I whisper to myself as I step out of the car and walk closer to the house. The windows are open and I see the house is empty inside. I can’t believe they sold their house.

Maybe she’s at work so next I head to the coffee shop. I take a moment to prepare myself before I open the door and when I do I recognize two faces. I see Maggie, Natalies best friend and I see Hunter, the guy she was dancing with at the New Years Eve party. Maggie looks up and when she see’s me a panic look crosses her eyes. “Noah..you shouldnt be here.” she says and I’m confused. “What?” I ask and walk towards the order counter. “You should leave, Kyle is on his way over now and he will absolutely freak if he sees you.” she warns and I roll my eyes. “Kyle isn’t who I’m worried about. Where is Natalie?” I ask as I hear the door jingle signaling someone else entering the cafe. Maggies eyes dart away so I ask again, “Maggie, just please tell me. Where is Natalie?” 

A dark laugh sneaks in from behind before saying, “are you fucking serious with this shit God? Are you testing me?” I turn around to see Kyle as just arrived and I couldn’t have worse timing. “She’s gone. Asshole. G-O-N-E.”

What. “Gone? What do you mean gone? Where did she go?” I ask, turning between Kyle and Maggie while Hunter just laughs and walks away muttering something about taking his break. “I mean, you fucking prick, is that after you ripped my sisters heart out and stomped on it she graduated in the middle of the semester, dropped everything and left.” Kyles voice is full of venom and I flinch at his tone. “Where did she go?” I ask cautiously. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” his voices slices and he erases the distance between us with a few steps. “I should beat the shit out of you.” Kyle says and Maggie rounds the counter and stands between us. “Stop Kyle, she wouldn’t want you to do this right now,” she addresses kyle first and then turns to me. “You should just leave Noah, I think you’ve dont enough damage for one life time,” her voice isnt even mean or angry when she says it, just disappointed.

“Please, I love her. I just want to talk to her.” the words leave my mouth and they’re still for a moment until I feel a solid weight hitting my chin and I fall back on my ass. “Do not ever claim to love my sister again. Just forget about her, shes doing her best to forget about you.” I hold my chin as it throbs in pain and Maggie just looks at me like I’m a sad, pathetic lost soul. “Just go Noah. She’s gone and she’s not coming back.” 

I walk back out of the coffee shop, defeated and alone. She’s gone. The girl I love is gone and her brother just punched me in the face. 

Stumbling throught the next couple weeks I feed my depression with 40’s, beer and vodka. One morning Nick comes into his room and dumps a bucket of ice water on my face and I gasp awake. “What the fuck!” I yelp as my eyes spring open.

“Get up Noah” Nicholas says and rips the blankets on the ground. “There are a couple guys coming to practice today. So pull yourself together and get ready.” 

I wipe the water from my face and finish stumbling out of bed, trying ot shake the hangover from my head. I walk towards the bathroom to shower off. I turn on the hot water and let it wash away the pain and sadness that has been eating away at me.

I have to figure out how to get over Natalie and move forward. “Who are the guys you invited.” I ask from the shower. “A guy named Nick Folio on drumbs and this swedish guy, Joakim on guitar. Hes a little older, but he’s played in a band before.” 

Alright, I guess my fresh start begins now.

and that is the end of part one besties !! I hope you enjoyed and I am sorry for the delay in the last update!

Part II will kick off in the new year!

page divider from here!

next chapter ->

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Fifteen

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie meet in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

warnings: underage drinking, unprotected sex (ope), mentions of depression and alcoholic parents.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic @laurpartyprogram

When I read New Moon for the first time I thought Bella was being dramatic, sitting in front of her bedroom window just staring as time passed and seasons changed. How could your boyfriend breaking up with you leave someone such a shell?

I understand now.

Time isn’t just passing by me, it’s passing through me. School and work blur together, I’m still doing relatively well in my classes but I’m not giving it much effort and my teachers have noticed. Maggie tried to pull me out of my funk and invited me out to hang out, but I constantly came up with excuses to get out of it.

Mom comes home in November and I don’t register her arrival. Maybe if she had been a normal mom I could have been the kind of teenager that could keep up with her cool rockstar boyfriend. I wouldn’t have had to be nerdy Natalie, too focused on school to step away and have fun.

Thanksgiving is as eventful as you could imagine. Mom and Dad are trying to make us seem like a big happy family again like nothing happened. Of course a week later we find Mom’s stash of vodka in her sock drawer and she sobs while dad packs her bag to haul her back off to rehab.

I don’t react. I don’t care.

Nick texts me every once in a while but I usually ignore him. I know that’s mean but I don’t want to hear about the tour or Noah. Who doesn’t reach out at all. Jerk. I take all the pictures I had of us printed out together and shove them in an old shoebox. I throw in the shirts he gave me too, along with the cd and that stupid wolf drawing I kept and bury it in the back of my closet.

“Natty, come on. Let's just get out of the house, we can go to a movie?” Kyle has been trying to make me feel better, he feels responsible for what happened with Noah. I don’t think so, he didn’t force Noah to break up with me. No. Noah did that all on his own. We end up going to see some stupid action movie, I don’t pay attention to it.

Suddenly it’s December and finals are done. The semester is over, only a few more months and highschool is done.

It’s Christmas and Kyle got me a new set of ink markers and a sketchbook. “You haven’t been drawing much, thought a new sketchbook would inspire you.” Kyle says.

I try to smile, turning through the crisp clean pages. “Thank you Ky. I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything…” my voice disappears. “I just lost track of time.”

He nods in understanding, “no worries sis, you can draw me something” he nudges me and laughs.

“Yeah, of course.” I curl up onto the couch with the empty page in front of me. I end up drawing a skeleton hand sticking up its middle finger. I rip it out of the book and hand it to him. He laughs “thanks Natty, very festive” he jokes and a small laugh escapes me.

A week later it’s New Year’s Eve and Kyle is trying to get me to go to a party with him.

“Come on Natty, you’ll have fun!” He tries to convince me but it’s not working. “Really, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to head to bed early. You should go have fun Ky.”

He reluctantly leaves me and I’m digging in my fridge smelling leftovers when I hear the doorbell.

Walking over I open the door and Maggie barges past me dressed in a beautiful silver body-con dress, her curly hair is bouncy and her make up is sparkly and bright. Perfect for New Year’s Eve. “Um..hello to you too Mags, what are you doing here?” She gives me a once over and huffs an annoyed breath. “Well after you go take the shower you desperately need. We’re getting you dressed up and going to the party Hunter is hosting a few streets away.” Hunter is the guy that works at the coffee shop that’s a year older than us. We work together some weeknights and he’s nice enough.

“Uhhh I don’t know Maggie, I’m not really in the party mood.” I tell her as I pick aimlessly at my oversized hoodie.

“I don’t care. You’ve been sad about that idiot long enough. It’s time to start living again and show everyone what a mistake it was letting you go. The first of the year is the perfect time to start!” She encourages me and ushers me up the stairs towards my room.

Thirty minutes later I’m shaved, moisturized and sitting in front of my vanity while Maggie applies my makeup. She brought a dress for me to wear, it’s a deep cut golden glittering dress that hits me in the middle of my thighs. She brought a matching pair of gold heels and I put on my small gold hoops. She’s finishing up with a light mist of setting spray and moving on to my hair. Maggie thinks I will look good with loose curls with one side pinned back. I decide to let her take full control and when she’s done I look like a different person. Well, not exactly. I look like me, just not like I’m used to. My boobs are pushed up because of the bra Maggie brought for me so they look incredible and my skin is glowing because of the luminous powder Maggie dusted me with. I feel good. For the first time since Noah dumped me, I actually feel good.

I turn to hug Maggie, “thank you.” Her arms wrap around me returning my hug. “You’re welcome Nat, now let’s go party!” Giggling, we run down the stairs together.

Hunter's house is about a ten minute walk from my house. It’s a cold night but when I reached for a jacket on my way out of the door, Maggie told me not too. That “the party would heat me up,” whatever that meant. As we round the block and head down the street towards the party my skin prickles with goose bumps and I rub my hands up and down them to warm up. Maggie sees the house and points it out. It's a big white two story colonial with warm white Christmas lights lighting it up.

The front door is open but thankfully Maggie was right and it's warm inside the crowded house. “Okay, now lets go grab a drink!” Maggie calls out over the music. A DJ that I noticed in the corner of the cleared out living room is playing “We Found Love” by Calvin Harris and I have to laugh at the irony. I follow Maggie to the kitchen where there is more alcohol surrounding the kitchen island than I’ve ever seen. She mixes two cups and hands one of them to me. I hesitate to grab it at first but eventually I take it “what the hell,” I say and take a big gulp. The alcohol burns my throat going down but leaves a warming sensation in my stomach. “Woo! Lets party Natty!!”

Maggie cheers as she raises her cup in toast and takes a sip. The crowd, the loud music and the hungry eyes that have been checking me out since we got here have me slightly nervous. I want to have fun, I want to get out of my funk and have a good time. I take the drink and chug it all down. “Another one please,” I hold out the cup to Maggie and she looks at me surprised. “Alright Natty, careful now. I don’t want you to get sick.” she warns gently. “Trust me, I'll be fine, I come from a long line of alcoholics.” I mean it to come out as a joke but Maggie just looks slightly concerned. “It's just a joke Mags, I’ll be fine.” She nods and mixes me another drink and hands it over.

I take it and we wander out towards the dance floor. It’s only 10:30 so we have plenty of time until midnight. I think the DJ is doing a countdown of songs of the year because now he’s playing “I Love It” by Icona Pop. Maggie and I are dancing and I can feel myself loosening up, swaying my hips and jumping to the beat. I feel more alive than I have in weeks. I am so thankful to have a friend like Maggie.

The next hour is a mix of dancing and drinking, I am playing a round of flip cup in the backyard. My team wins and two other senior boys that I think are on the football team I was playing with lift me up onto their shoulders in celebration. I’m laughing and definitely drunk at this point and when I look up towards the back porch and feel like my eyes deceive me and I have to do a double take.

It’s Nick and Noah. He’s here. Why is he here? He’s looking at me with wide eyes and then looking down at the very large football players that are currently holding me up and his eyes squint into a glare. I tap the boys shoulders and they place me gently back on the floor. “Thanks for the lift boys.” I joke and we share a laugh.

My eyes shift back towards the porch and Nick and Noah are gone…was I just seeing things? I am pretty drunk so It’s likely.

I walk over to Maggie and she’s looking down at her phone texting, when she looks up and see’s me she quickly puts her phone behind her back.

I eye her suspiciously. “What are you up too?” I ask.

She smiles wide and tries to tilt her head to act innocent. “Well…maybe Nick texted that him and Noah were in town…and maybe I told him where the party was.”

My eyes bugg out and I lightly push her shoulder. “Maggie! Why would you do that!! Since when are you two texting?!” She grabs my drink and hands it to me and with the added surprise I throw it back instantly. “He texts me occasionally to see how everything is going? How you’re doing, since you don’t respond to his texts….” I roll my eyes. “I’m not going to talk to them. I don't care that he’s here. I’m having fun and I’m going to dance some more.” I turn and head back towards the house. “Are you coming?” I ask back towards Maggie and she follows after.

Grabbing Maggies hand I get back onto the dancefloor with new found enthusiasm. My hips are swaying and my hands are above my head, my hair is swinging side to side. Maggie is dancing in front of me and I suddenly feel hands on my waist. Looking back I see it’s Hunter. “Nice party Hunter.” I tell him. He smiles, “Nice dress Natalie, you looks hot.” I blush at his compliment. “Thanks.” I don’t know what comes over me but I know my dancing with Hunter is becoming riskier. My back is pressed completely against his front and his strong hands are gripping my waist.

Suddenly I’m being ripped off the dance floor and away from Hunter and Maggie. “What the fuck!” I squeal, turning to see how grabbed me. I see none other than Noah.

“Put me down Noah! Right now!” I yell at him over the music. I wiggle and kick to get out of his grip but he’s too strong and I’m too drunk to figure out how to escape with any of my karate skills. What’s the point of having a black belt if I can’t remember how to break out of a hold after a few drinks. More than a few drinks I guess as the world spins and I’m set back down on my feet in the cold night air.

“Natalie, what the Hell are you doing?!” Noah says in an explosive tone.

It takes me a moment to react. To fight past the feelings of relief in seeing him. To dig deep into myself for the anger. “Excuse me?” I say and my voice is dripping with venom. “Who the FUCK do you think you are?! Wisking in to pull me away while I’m finally having fun!” I yell not caring who hears and his eyes dark around. I fight the compulsion to get closer to him, the need to reach out and touch him to see if he’s real.

He just ignores my yelling and asks again “what’s going on Natty, you’re drunk dancing on some guy? That's not like you.”

I laugh out loud “ha! What happened?! Seriously? Well..let me see.” I say in a mocking tone and tap my finger against my chin. “My boyfriend dumped me and then left without a word, then, my Mom immediately relapsed when she got home from rehab and I fell into a pit of depression that my best friend dug me out of. She brought me out to party tonight and that’s exactly what I was doing. I’m at a party. I’m partying.” My voice despite slurring slightly is resolved. He eyes me up and down, his hand reaching out, hesitating and then dropping back to his side. “You’re barely clothed. You never dress like this” he snides, “and you're drunk. I thought you didn’t drink?” He asks.

“Yeah well, I thought you said you’d love me forever but I guess things change. And you’re drunk too! How are you judging me for that right now and as for the outfit? Everyone else thinks I look hot. I know Hunter did. Should we go ask?” I know I’m pushing him but I don’t care. I move to get past him and he holds out his arm, stopping me. “No need. I know exactly what he was thinking. I saw his face, how he was looking at you like a piece of meat.” Noah’s voice sounds tormented, like watching me dance with Hunter was painful. “Well Noah! He can look at me however he wants! And I can dance with whoever I want and I can kiss whoever I want! And if I want to, I can FUCK whoever I want! You dumped me, remember? You don’t get to come back and act like my big protector anymore.” Forgetting my previous restraint I end up growling out all of this about an inch from Noah’s face. He backs me back up against the wall and keeps the distance the same. We’re nose to nose and I hear a rumble in his chest. “You deserve better than him, better than me.” My eyes roll, “oh fuck off with that. I am perfectly capable of making that kind of decision myself”

We can hear the countdown begin inside the house.

TEN…

NINE…

“I’m just trying to help you Nat, that guys bad news”

EIGHT…

SEVEN…

“Hilarious, that’s exactly what people told me about you.”

FIVE….

FOUR…

“Maybe you should have listened.” His eyes fall to my lips and I can feel deep down that I’m done for.

THREE…

TWO….

“Is that what you wished had happened. That you had stayed away from me?”

ONE... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

I shake my head and without thinking, maybe due to the drinks or because Noah is finally back in front of me and I still desperately miss him despite the heartbreak. I pull him even closer and kiss him.

At first he’s stiff, hands and body stilled until my fingers toy with the hair at the nape of his neck and he comes alive. Grabbing me back and kissing me fiercely, like a man starved and I’m the only water he’s seen in weeks, months, years.

Fireworks explode in the background and we burst apart when the rest of the party runs outside to watch the sky glitter with a chorus of colors.

Staring at each other, mouths red and swollen from our harsh kiss, he looks me up and down again and says “fuck it, do you want to get out of here?”

I nod silently and Noah takes my hand and leads me away from the party and down the street heading towards my house. Praying to the universe that Kyle isn’t home and pushing away the thoughts that are asking “is this a good idea?” “What’s going on here?” I don’t care. We kissed and everything fell away.

I am so weak.

Apparently so is he, his whole “you deserve better” thing flew out the window the second our lips touched again.

The cold air sobers us up a bit by the time we’re sitting on the floor against my bed awkwardly.

“Um, I found a stash of my moms vodka my dad didn’t catch if you want another drink?” I ask and fidget with the bottom of my dress. His eyes track my fingers on my thighs and he mumbles out a quiet “sure.”

I run out of the room back downstairs to grab two cups, filling them with ice and cranberry juice. Next, I go into the pantry and look behind the five pound sack of flour and still sitting there, a tad dusty, is half a handle of whipped cream vodka. I pour some in each drink and take the cups along with the bottle back upstairs.

Noah has moved to now sit on my bed, his head against my headboard. “I missed your room, it smells like you” he says softly as I hand him the drink.

“Yeah, well hopefully by that you don’t mean you miss my BO. I’d have to call you out for that one” I try to joke and diffuse the awkwardness. He chuckles and takes a sip of the drink. “This is good. Um, butno I don’t mean you’re BO. It just smells good. Like you”

I smile and take a sip of my own drink. “Thanks then, I guess”

We drink in comfortable silence finishing our drinks and refill the cups with another shot of the vodka. There’s not as much cranberry hiding the flavor but the sweetness of the whipped cream in the vodka is pretty easy to get down. The closeness, the renewed alcohol in our systems brings me back into my warm drunken state.

“How have you been Natty?” His eyes are downcast, not risking seeing the pain that flashes in my eyes at his question.

“I’ve been better, but Maggie has been helping me. Nick texts me sometimes, I should be better about responding. How have you been?” I ask, but I keep my eyes fixed on him.

He lifts his head and meets my gaze, “pretty shit without you to be honest, I shouldn’t have ended it like that.” His words are soft and lure me in.

“But you still would have done it?” I ask and take another sip, easing the nerves creeping up.

“I should say yes. I think you deserve so much more Nat. You deserve everything, attention and support and no drama.” His fingers trail from resting beside him to tracing the hem of my dress and I chug down the rest of the cup and set it aside. “What is life without drama?” I ask and fight against the urge to lean forward towards his warmth.

“A life free of sadness and anger?” his voice is melancholy and I feel my heart cracking again.

“Those come with life regardless. They are unavoidable for everyone.” Like an invisible force field shatters, I place my hand delicately on his shoulder, “you brought much more into my life than sadness and anger” I whisper to him, afraid of putting so much of myself out into the open but, the effects of drinking seem to have broken down my boundaries.

“You brought everything into my life” Noah replies and moves swiftly capturing my lips in a firm kiss and I instantly melt into him. Scrambling I slot my things on either side of him and tangle my hands into his hair. His hands grip my waist and move to squeeze my ass and bring me even closer. “Noah, Noah, I need you” I whimper in between kisses and he slides his hands under my dress and squeezes my flesh.

“Fuck, Natalie. I missed you so much” he says into my neck as he kisses up and down. He reaches around and unzips the back of my dress and lets it fall down my arms and around my waist.

He unhooks my bra and I rip his shirt over his head. Instantly he’s on me again, lips kissing and sucking at my skin causing me to squirm and grind down onto him feeling the hard length of him.

He flips us over and pulls the rest of my dress down and staring down at me with burning desire. My head is spinning but I refocus on the feeling of Noah pulling down my panties and trailing a path of open wet kisses towards my soaking wet core. At the first touch I buck off of the bed and a sinful whine escapes my lips.”I missed the way you taste” he moans out. And even with his mind clouded with alcohol he is a master with his tongue and I squirm in pleasure. When he adds a finger my body writhes in pleasure as I fall apart in a cry of ecstasy.

“More Noah, please. I need more” I beg and he stumbles to unbutton his pants, not even all the way off his legs before he’s sinking into my warmth. “Oh Natalie, you feel perfect. You’re everything, so good. Fuck” he moans as he begins to move his hips back and forth causing sparks of white to appear behind my eyes and the glorious feeling of being filled completely.

We’re a tad uncoordinated and unbalanced due to the alcohol but we eventually set a pace that’s causing us both to catch our breaths and moan in tandem. Noah’s hand reaches down to press against my clit and I set off into a second orgasm. My inner walls clenching around him and causing him to lose himself and spills deep into me.

“Fuck.” He gasps out and rests his head against my stomach as we both take a moment to catch our breath.

“Yeah, you can say that again” I respond half asleep.

Noah rolls off and onto the stop next to me, crashing onto the pillow and we pass out wrapped tightly together.

Hours later with the morning sun leaking into my room I groan, wiping the sleep from my eyes and while moving to sit up feeling the arms around me I am reminded of the actions of last night.

I reach over to my phone that is almost dead on my nightstand and I see I have missed texts.

Maggie: ims o drink!!! I’ll call u tmorw LUCV YOU 1:36am

Kyle: staying to make sure my boys get home safe, I’ll be back home tomorrow afternoon. Happy new year nat! 12:45am

“Shit” Noah grumbles as he slowly rises and sees the state of the two of us. “Um..how are you feeling?” He asks cautiously. I shrug “I feel tired, nauseous but also hungry? And my head is killing me” I say to him, “you?” He has his face in his hands before looking up at me. “I’m okay. I'm just- I’m sorry about last night. That was stupid” his voice is pinched and he’s throwing his legs over the side of the bed pulling his pants quickly back on and running a stressed hand through his hair. “What? What are you talking about Noah?” I demand, pulling the blanket higher to cover myself. He pulls his shirt on next and let’s put a harsh sigh. “Sleeping together, that was a mistake.”

That stings. “A mistake?” I whisper, “so you don’t even want to try and make this work?” I ask with agony clear in my voice. “You’re just going to leave? Again?”

“I shouldn’t have come over here last night, it’s not fair to you Nat. I can’t be what you deserve right now and I can’t ask you to wait around for me. I'll just complicate your life” He finally looks at me and there’s nothing I can do about the tears falling from my eyes.

“If that’s how you feel I’m not going to beg you to love me. Just go Noah. Leaving is apparently something you’ve mastered” I don’t care about the spiteful nature of my words. I just roll back over facing away from him as he finishes gathering his things and heads out of my room and out of my life again. I go back to sleep for a few more hours. I don’t cry until I’m showering off the makeup and sweat from the night before.

Kyle gets home and doesn’t ask when he sees my red rimmed eyes just gives me a side hug and tell me it will get easier.

Maggie texts me again later in the afternoon.

Maggie: YOU LEFT THE PARTY WITH NOAH?! Girl! SPILL NOW! 2:35pm

Natalie: Come over? We can have a girls night and I’ll tell you about it. Just understand that I don’t want to ever hear the name Noah Sebastian again. 2:37pm

muawh muawh ! kisses kisses ! I know it hurts but just trust the process....

next chapter

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Seventeen

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

warnings: mentions of alcoholism

this is a complete work of fiction, these characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

edited by me hungover this morning....soooo if you see something spelt wrong no you didn't.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic @laurpartyprogram @jessitpwk @samanthasgone

Roughly 10 years later, June 5th, 2023

Beep

Beep 

Beep

The constant beeping of my alarm begins waking me up and as I roll over to hit the snooze button when I suddenly hear the pattering of footsteps and then a small “oof” of a body launching themselves in the air and landing directly on me.

“Ouch!” I call out and the mass now on top of me dissolves into a fit of giggles. 

“Mom!!! wake up!!! Ashley’s mom will be here soon!” Erin is full of energy today. Her friend Ashley’s mom is taking her and some of her friends to Six Flags for the day to celebrate the end of the school year. I roll my comforter up to cover Erin up in a burrito of blankets and she starts to laugh even harder. “Mom! Let me out!” Erin’s voice squeaks out between laughs. 

“Okay, okay. Be free little one,” I tell her while unwrapping the blankets covering her. I see her face poke out the top and lean down to cover it in kisses. “Oh, I love you so much!! My little baby!! I can’t believe you just finished third grade! Stop growing please !” She laughs and wiggles out of the bed. “Moooom! Please get up, I need to eat breakfast.”

We travel downstairs into the kitchen together and I turn on the coffee maker while gathering the supplies needed to make breakfast. I start making pancakes and soon we hear clunking around coming from the other room. “Do I smell pancakes!?” Haylie calls out from behind her door. Erin runs to the other side “Auntie Hales come to eat breakfast with me!” she calls out and the door swings open surprising Erin. She jumps slightly but recovers as soon as Hailey picks her up and swings her around the hallway toward the kitchen where I’m flipping the last pancake onto the large serving plate. “Pancakes and bacon! I hope you’re hungry,” I call out and pour two cups of coffee and a glass of orange juice for Erin. “I’m starving! Thanks, Mom” Erin says. “Yeah, thanks, Mom!” Haylie jokes. 

We didn’t mean to stay at Haylie’s this long but every time I considered moving Haylie wouldn’t hear it. She loves having us here and we love being here and after a while, we really felt like a little family. Speaking of families, my brother is coming to visit soon. Kyle and Maggie are both coming. Together. 

After I left they became closer and eventually fell in love. I didn’t know how long it would last but after Kyle enlisted in the Marine Corps they got even closer. When he was stationed in Okinawa in a surprise to us all they secretly eloped so they could live off base together. They are still together now and happier than ever. They have a five-year-old girl, Natasha, who Erin loves so much. The girls are so sweet and we love any chance we can get them together. They’re coming to visit next week for a week and I’m really excited. 

A lot has changed in the last ten years. Kyle and I have grown to be incredibly close. I think us both becoming parents changed a lot. Unfortunately, our Mom never recovered from her alcoholism and passed a few years after Erin was born. She met Erin a few times but I was very protective, especially in those first few years of her life and I didn’t want her seeing my mom when she was at her worst. Our Dad lives in Austin now, he wanted to be close to me and his grandchild after our Mom died, and at first I was really hesitant, but over the years a lot has changed. Our relationship is pretty good now and Erin loves her grandpa so much, he likes taking her to the library and the park on the weekends, or to get ice cream after school.  

We finish up our breakfast and help Erin get ready for her day trip with her friends. We pack her a small bag since they’ll be having a sleepover after their day at the amusement park. Erin is running around her room trying to decide which stuffed animal she wants to take, she’s deep in thought trying to choose between her stuffed giraffe and her frog build-a-bear we made a few years ago for her birthday. “Froggy! I choose you!” she declares and for a moment everything about her is Noah.

Noah. I never heard from him after I sent the letter. I thought about reaching out again but between life with a newborn and working on finishing my apprenticeship time just slipped away from me. Then she was getting bigger and I was getting settled into my new career as a tattoo artist and when I saw that he was in a new band that was really picking up, that same insecurity that Alex planted all those years ago came right back. her words echoing, “You’ll ruin his life you know? His whole career. He will throw it all away for you. Is that what you want?” I stopped trying, I stopped waiting and I have tried every day of Erin’s life to be everything she needs. When I listened to that first album I was amazed. By his talent, what he was creating for himself was exactly what he wanted. I cried so hard listening to it, I threw the CD in the box that was hiding in the back of my closet.

Ashley’s Mom picked up Erin about an hour later. “Have fun and be careful okay? Listen to Ashley’s Mom and I will call you before you go to bed tonight, she has my number if you need to call me at all okay?” I ask and my sassy daughter in her rush to leave is nodding and just saying “Yes, okay Mom, I will, Okay..Mom she’s here!! Can I go please??” she pleads and I laugh and give her a big hug, and kiss before walking her to the car outside.

Later when I’m getting ready for work I decide on a simple white tank with my faded loose-fit jeans that are covered in holes, but the most comfortable pair of pants I own. I throw on some light makeup and put my hair up in a loose bun. “Wow! How can you make a plain white tank look so hot?!” Haylie loves to hype me up so I give her a little spin and mock bow. “Thank you!” I say as I finish packing my bag and filling up my water bottle. I’m trying to only work a half day so I can do some emotional spending, if I can finish my appointments before getting any walk-ins, Target is all mine.

Waving goodbye I head out the door and hop into my car to head to work. I bought a new car when Erin was five and I love it so much, it’s perfect for us. A little Honda CRV in black. My books have been filling up lately and I was able to pay off the car early last spring which was an amazing feeling. I take off down the street and it’s a short drive to the shop only ten minutes, I turn on the radio and my usual station is playing. “Up next we have a song that’s picking up some traction on TikTok and normally we don’t care about that. But, this is a band I like so to celebrate their upcoming show in Austin, up next we have Bad Omens with Just Pretend” the DJ says and I audibly groan and hit the power button on the radio and just commit to the silent drive into work. It hasn’t been impossible to avoid his band but I try, everyone laughs at work when they come on a playlist. They all anticipate me calling out “Hey Siri” or “Okay Google,” “Alexa” followed by “Skip!” I think they all just assume I don’t like the band and I’m happy not to elaborate. 

I get to work and head to my station to get set up for my first appointment. It’s a repeat client and we are finishing up her sleeve tattoo with filler and some color. It doesn’t take very long and before I know It I’ve finished two more clients and it’s almost 2 pm. 

I continue to clean my station since my client left a half hour ago. My plans to cut out early and go shopping came to a  crashing halt when I heard the jingle of the door opening and four guys walked in, two of whom I hadn’t seen in about a decade. I knew they were in town but I mean, Austin is a huge city. They could have walked into any tattoo shop. But no, the man I’ve been avoiding, actively avoiding since he left me, alone, unknowingly pregnant and devastated is right there. Right in front of me, it’s like every feeling I worked through in therapy is rushed back to the surface.

He hasn’t seen me, too busy talking to Ryan at reception and I overhear “Yeah, I think Nat is available. She doesn’t have anyone on her books for the rest of the day” he says, looking down to check my logbook. “Hey Nat!” He calls to me and the four eyes follow, two in particular getting hit with immediate recognition. “Do you have time to fit these guys in? They say they’re just looking for some small line work?” I see his whole frame tense and his mouth opens slightly, almost in awe, "Natty?" we whispers.

I’m frozen, I’m speechless and our eyes are locked. I’m staring into the eyes of the man that I used to love, that’s the father of my child he doesn’t know. I have to speak. I have to say something. NATALIE! SPEAK ! SAY SOMETHING!  I scream to myself internally before I finally breathe out and manage to speak. I try to keep a calm face as I respond “Um, yeah sure. Just get them to fill out the paperwork and send them back.” I duck back down into my little station and try to calm my breathing. I look around and there are pictures of Erin everywhere, I move to quickly remove all of them from my workstation and pick up my phone to call Haylie

“911, this is an actual emergency and I’m freaking out!” I rush out in a harsh whisper “Noah is here. At the shop. With his band. And they want tattoos! WHAT THE FUCK!”

thank you loves! <3

dividers from here!

Next chapter ->

[spicywhenspeaking]

hi friends :) welcome 🪄💖

I'm Michelle <3 I'm 29, an Aries, ramen fanatic, fangirl and average fan fiction writer.

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If I'm There -> It's a RPF fanfiction (pls don’t engage if you’re a haterrr) Noah Sebastian and an original female character, Natalie.

Star-Crossed Connection -> RPF fanfiction with Nick Folio and OFC Seraphina Holloway! Fake dating AU

let me know if you'd like to be tagged in anything :)

coming soon…

A Soldier’s Redemption -> Bucky Barnes x OFC (hurt / comfort)

Part 2 Katara x Aang fic -> Angst w/ new OFC

part one here

untitled Matt Dierkes Rivals to Lovers fic

Sneak peak

utitled Sterek Smut

xoxoxox

can you please watch these guys for me?

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I’m There: Chapter Twenty-Two

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

this chapter contains feels! and some are a sad but we will get through this together

Taglist: @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @laurpartyprogram @concretenoah @thebadchic @jessitpwk @madomens @samanthasgone @myownthoughts12 @missduffsblog @jilliemiw86 @malerieee @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here

Noah POV

“It’s nice to meet you too. Even though you made my mom sad.” I’m stunned at first by the ferocity in the way she said “Even though you made my mom sad.” My fears of starting off on a bad foot are seemingly coming true but I can hopefully pull it around and win her over. I hope. She’s perfect. Erin is. She has the same happiness in her eyes that Natalie had when we were younger. Like pure sunshine. 

She looks like a miniature version of her, her soft brown hair falls like a halo around her face. Her face looks like mine but also like Natalies—a perfect combination of us both. Natalie’s hand comes down on Erin’s shoulder and squeezes lightly, “These are beautiful flowers Noah, thank you.” she says and I try not to stare too long into her eyes when she smiles at me.  “Why don’t we head into the kitchen to eat and I’ll get these in some water.'' She ruffles Erin's hair and guides her with her hand still on her shoulder towards the other room. I noticed her give a sideways glance to the girl in a warning of sorts. I don’t think it's necessary at all, by all means, lay it on me. The kid thinks I broke up with her pregnant mom and left them to become a musician. Natty says that’s not the case but I don’t know. I try to imagine how I would have felt in her shoes and she’s definitely acting more level-headed than I would have been at her age. I guess that goes to show how amazing Natalie has done raising her. A voice in the back of my head that I constantly battle against wonders if they’re both better off without me.

I follow them silently into the kitchen and find a seat at the round table on the opposite side of Erin. 

 “So Noah, what kind of music does your band make?” Erin asks as she takes a huge bite out of her sub. Natalie has placed my sandwich down in front of me with a polite smile and I offer a small “thank you” before I continue, “Um, we make something called metalcore, it’s like rock music but a little heavier. I could show you sometime, or make you a CD if you’d like. What kind of music do you like?” I ask and take a bite of the sandwich. “I can see why these are your favorite,” I say once I swallow my bite. “I like a lot of music, my mom shows me a lot of music that she likes and so does Haylie like the Backstreet Boys, and oh! Lady Gaga! She’s so pretty. Um, a lot of old stuff like what my Grandpa likes, Audio something? Um, The Rolling Rocks.”

“Stones baby, The Rolling Stones’ and its Audioslave that’s what Grandpa was playing last time we went over to dinner.” Natalie corrects her quietly as she eats. 

“Oh yeah! I also like The Lion King soundtrack, The Little Mermaid, oh and me and my mom and aunt Haylie sing Mulan in the car a lot.” She takes another large bite of sandwich in the middle of her sentence so she mumbles that last bit out with a mouth full of turkey and lettuce. “Erin, please don’t talk with your mouth full,” Natalie tells her softly. “You like singing?” I ask her and her face lights up nodding, “Yes! I love singing, I got a karaoke machine last year for Christmas and we use it sometimes. My mom says you have a really good voice.” Natalie blushes at the comment but remains quiet while Erin and I talk. “That’s very nice of your mom to say. Maybe we can do karaoke sometime? What else do you like to do along with singing? Do you play any sports?”

“Oh yeah, I’m in karate and soccer. I used to do gymnastics but I didn’t like it that much anymore so my mom let me stop. I’m also in the art club at my school but since it’s summertime we don’t meet. I’m going to art camp in a few weeks though! I’m excited!” 

Her whole face lights up when she talks about the things she likes and I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like seeing her happy is the best thing in the world and I only want to keep the feeling. “That’s amazing, I would love to see your art sometime.  I think it is so cool that you’re learning karate like your mom. I tell her I’m learning Muay Thai which is a Thai fighting style” I tell her. We finish our food while we continue getting to know each other. Erin tells me about her friends in school and about spending time with her grandpa and her kind of grandma Gwen, who was the woman that Natalie lived with for a while when she first moved to Austin. God, I want to ask Natalie more about her life here with Erin. I wish I had more time in town. 

After we eat Erin asks me if I want to see her room so she can show me her art and her favorite toys. Erin grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs to her room with Natalie following behind, she’s been really quiet and I notice a mix of happiness and sadness across her features and I can’t help but battle with the same emotions. I’m so unbelievably happy and grateful to be here right now meeting my daughter who’s amazing in every way. Funny, smart, kind, she’s everything I would have hoped for in a child. But, I’m also filled with the most profound sadness that I’ve missed so much of her life. Her first steps, her first words, birthdays, Christmas, soccer games, losing her first tooth. Does Natalie even do the tooth fairy? I have so much to learn about their life and how I can fit into it. I don’t want to miss anything more but I know with my life on the road I’m bound to. I wonder if they would ever come with me? I could hire a tutor for Erin’s schoolwork and Nat could do tattoo pop-ups in each city we visit. 

I think I might be getting ahead of myself. I just am desperate to be in Erin’s life. I have regretted breaking up and leaving Natalie for almost 10 years and now I’m seeing everything I gave up. All of the things I sacrificed for this life. Not just Natalie, but Erin too. 

I shake myself out of the endless dreadful thoughts when Erin pulls me excitedly into her room and starts naming all of her stuffed animals, adding the monkey I brought her into the pile. “This is my giraffe, his name is Bartholomew, and my snake Randle, oh! My dragon! Her name is Fluffy! I love her so much! Look!” She hands me the red stuffed dragon and I admire it while she continues showing me all the toys and pictures in her room. 

“I made this last year at school! It’s my ‘all about me’ board, what do you think?” She asks while pointing at the large poster board hanging on the wall opposite her bed. It’s full of pictures and stickers and things that she likes. A list of her favorite things, pink, pizza, music, art. She’s so incredibly talented, the background of the poster is all her drawings. Her hero is her mom.

Natalie watches quietly from the door, there as Erin’s closet source of safety. Her fiercest protector for all of her life. Natalie’s eyes shine with emotion but she is giving us space, space to meet, and space to learn more about each other. I tell Erin about how much joy making music brings me we talk about the foods we enjoy and I learn that she has a very sophisticated pallet. She likes spicy crab, tofu, spam, she even likes brussel sprouts. “Wow, when I was nine I hated brussel sprouts, to be honest, I don’t even really like them now” I laugh and she giggles along with me. “Yeah, my mom makes them really good. You should come over for dinner sometime and she can make them! Can Noah come over for dinner for your brussel sprouts sometime mom? She makes them crispy! With balsam? Balsamic vinegar? Right mom?” She turns to look back at Natty who’s still leaning in the doorway. “Yes sweetie that’s right,” she smiles at Erin and nods “Noah, you would be welcome to dinner anytime.” She says and turns her smile to me, “when you’re done with the tour you’re welcome here whenever you’d like.”

I want to go over to where she’s standing and shake her or hug her, how is she handling all of this so well? How does she seem so normal? I want her to be happy or sad or angry or something. I wonder if she’s feeling any of the emotions I am feeling right now. I wish I didn’t have to leave tomorrow. I just want a second to talk to Natty. I want to know what she’s thinking. After ten years of doing this on her own to just allow me to come in and be a part of their life? It’s crazy. This whole situation is crazy. I need to schedule a meeting with my therapist ASAP.

The hours’ roll by and Erin asks if I can stay for dinner, I don’t want to tell her no so I just look at Natalie and she has that same calm look on her face, “Of course, if he’d like to? We’re just heating up a couple of frozen pizzas” 

I stay and eat with them, Haylie joins for a little while to eat and before she leaves back into her room she hugs Natalie and they have a nearly silent conversation. I barely make out a very soft, “I promise, I am okay.”

After dinner I reluctantly let them know I should head out so I can get ready to leave first thing in the morning to head to our next city. But I ask Erin if it’s okay if  I call her until the tour is over and I can come back for a longer period of time. She excitedly agrees and surprises me when she wraps her arms around my middle, “I’m glad I got to meet you today Noah” she says when she removes her arms and walks back towards her mom whose head is turned to the side quickly and then back and I see the moisture in her eyes again. The emotion she’s keeping at bay. “It was great to meet you too Erin, I will call you in a couple of days okay?” 

“Okay! Bye!” She waves excitedly as I walk down the front steps. 

“Bye Noah, it was nice having you over today,” Natalie says in a soft voice and I wave and tip my head in acknowledgment. “Thank you again, Nat, for everything”

Her shoulders shake just for a moment but she takes a quick breath and just rubs her hands along the top of Erin’s head and down her hair until they’re resting on her shoulders to lead her back inside. With one last wave, the door closes and I head towards the rental car to go back to the hotel. I quickly take out my phone and shoot a message to my therapist to set an appointment in the next few days. I contemplate sending Natty a quick text, thanking her again for today but I don’t. I’m not sure it would do anything good for her right now, I can tell whatever is going on in her head must be weighing heavy on her. 

Natalie’s POV

I don’t cry when Noah leaves. Erin asks to watch a movie before bed so we sit on the couch and watch Brave, one of her favorites. She asks me a few questions about Noah and more about what he was like when we were younger and I answer them all but it's almost like my voice isn’t connected to my body. When the movie is over Erin is falling asleep next to me on the couch so I gather her in my arms and lift her, walking her upstairs and settling her into her bed for the night. I kiss her forehead and wish her sweet dreams. “Thank you for letting Noah come over today, I like him.” She mumbles out half asleep. “Of course sweet girl, goodnight. Love you” 

“Love you too mommy” 

I don't cry when I finish cleaning the kitchen or when Haylie comes out and asks me again how I’m doing. I just tell her I’m exhausted and ready to shower and pass out. 

I don’t cry in the shower while I wash my hair and remember every moment of the day. 

I don’t cry while I brush my teeth and think about all of the things Noah missed out on. 

I lay my head down on my pillow and question how he could possibly stand being near me, how he could meet Erin and not want to scream and yell at me for having missed out on her amazing life. 

I cry when I think about how my selfishness took away that time they could have had. 

I could have gotten over my feelings of being alone and thought about what was best for Erin. 

I cry until my body is shaking and when I feel the bed next to me dip and Haylie quietly shushes me and runs her hands down my hair in a soothing motion I cry even harder. “You’re okay, it’s okay. I’m right here, you’re okay” she tells me over and over and all I can do is cry. “I fucked up Hales. I ruined everything for her. I fucked up” I sob out over and over. “Shhh. Shh, you didn’t. You were young, what were you supposed to do?” My body continues to shake as I begin to hyperventilate, feeling the panic taking over. “Natalie you can’t do this to yourself, you are a wonderful mother and you’ve given your daughter a beautiful life. You can’t think about what could have been. There’s no way of knowing. He’s here now. That’s what matters. She has him now. That is what is important” 

Haylie continues rubbing soothing circles on my back until my breathing starts to even out and sleep finally envelops me. 

In the morning when I wake up I have a splitting headache. Haylie is sprawled out on the other side of my bed. I don’t wake her when I get up and peek into Erin’s room where I see her cuddling the monkey Noah brought her. Whatever the past, the mistakes I’ve made. Having her was never one of them. It was a mistake to have let my emotions get in the way of Noah being in her life. A mistake I do not intend to repeat again.

xoxoxox ! I am so excited to take this journey with Noah and Natalie and Erin!

next time Kyle and the fam are in town and Erin and Noah will get to know each other more on the phone while he's away on tour :)

next chapter ->

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Twenty

you're stronger than me Nat, I'd be jumping on him like a freaking jack rabbit

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

word count: 2.4k edited by me ....soooo if you see something spelt wrong no you didn't.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic @jessitpwk @samanthasgone @laurpartyprogram @myownthoughts12

I walk Noah through the rest of the house, I show him some of the art I made that we have hanging and he looks closely at all of the family photos I have lining the walls. “Is that Maggie and your brother?” he asks in surprise.

“Haha um yeah, they got really close after I left.” I tell him and pick up the scattered clothes I find littered in the hallway. “And then he joined the marines and they stationed him overseas. To stay together they ended up eloping so she could be with hime when he was stationed. They have a little girl, she's five. Her and Erin are so cute together. They'll actually be here in a few days.” I can feel myself starting to ramble and I stop abruptly and smile awkwardly. Noah laughs softly, “You look different but you’re still the same Natty.” he remarks in a small voice.

“Jeeze, your brother could kick my ass before joining the army, can’t imagine what he’d do to me now.” I laugh to break the awkward stale tension and move to the outside of Erin's room. Her walls are Yellow and she has a pink bed with a princess canopy hanging over it.

Along with a bunch of toys, books and stuffed animals all over her desk and shelves. “She’s really into the Percy Jackson books, you know I never read them when I was a kid but they’re pretty good. She loves reading.” I say while I watch him taking everything in. On the floor of her room are several notebooks and sketchbooks open and sprawled out. “Wow, she's an artist. Like you” he says softly. “She also has quite the little voice on her. You should hear her, kids got range.” I say and move to grab what I came in for, Erins photo book.

We move back into the living room and sit side by side on the couch. I open the book and it starts with a picture of Erin as a baby along with her birth information sheet, detailing length, weight and other important facts for newborns. There are a lot of pictures in here, one of the firsts is me holding her after we got home from the hospital.

I look so young. He gently touches the edges of the photo and I see fresh tears gleam in the corner of his eyes. “Nat, I’m- I just can’t believe this.” he chokes out. “I’m so sorry I wasn't there.” he says again and I have to swallow the lump forming in my throat. “I know, Noah. I know, I wish things had been different. I should have tried harder.” I softly place my hand on his shoulder as I whisper out my words and he looks at me with a sad smile.

“This isn’t all on you Natty, I left. Gave up everything I loved to make this dream come true. I should have thought more about all I left behind.'' His voice is hoarse and I don't know if it's from singing just a few hours ago or all of the emotion that's behind his eyes right now.

Lost in his eyes again I feel like a teenage girl again. The girl that was so ridiculously in love with a boy, the boy that’s now a man sitting in front of her and in this moment they share it’s like the last ten years didn’t happen and slowly the distance between them disappears and they’re just a breath apart. Lips hovering about each other in a delicate balance of temptation. The clattering of the photo album falling off Noah's lap reels us both back into reality.

Shaking my head and sitting back further onto my seat I brush my hair back out of my face and grab my cup of water to adjust to our situation. He coughs awkwardly and I try to get focused on what we were doing. Kissing would be a horrible idea. After all of these years he’s still the most attractive man I’ve ever met. But, this confusing situation would only get even messier if we started something romantic again. That would be stupid. Erin still doesn't know about Noah andI have Kyle coming in a few days to worry about. Also, I don't really even know Noah anymore.

Can you still know someone after so long. Coughing to clear my throat and to disrupt the silence I offer an awkward smile as Noah leans down to collect the fallen book. We continue looking through the pages and I tell him about some of the important stages I have documented. “Oh her first birthday, we had it at the park, just me and Haylie, she has been with me through it all, the pregnancy and all of Erin's life.”

He nods silently as we flip through more pages. “Ah, this is after she got her tonsils out, she was so silly off the anesthesia, kept asking me when Pooh Bear was getting dropped off for daycare.” I laugh at the memory and Noah smiles sliding his hand over the page. A lot of the photos are of Erin and I and he looks at those very closely, they also show my change over the years. My hair gets darker and my skin becomeçs more and more covered in tattoos.

“A lots changed since we last saw each other.” he sighs offhandedly and turns the page again to a family photo of another birthday party, but this one while being a great picture includes Erin laughing over her Barbie cake and me, with the arms of my ex-boyfriend Gavin wrapped tightly around me. Talk about awkwardness.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Noah asks softly and I just about fall off of the sofa. “Oh no, um that guy, Gavin? We broke up a while ago. It was pretty mutual, we're just better off as friends.” I rush out in explanation and feel my neck start to sweat.

“Oh, yeah. My schedule is pretty crazy with touring and us trying to make this next album. It's hard to commit to a relationship.” There's a short pause before he finishes in a quick fluster, “that is of course, now with everything I will make time for Erin, I want to be as involved as you’ll allow. I want to be in her life, I want to know her. You as well” the last part comes out much quieter and I can’t help the redness that takes over my cheeks.

“There is a lot that we need to work out, I want you to be in her life too, I know she will want to know you. You said you would be done with the tour soon? What is your plan?” I ask, what does almost done with tour even mean if you tour all of the time? He continues flipping through the book while he answers. “Just a few more weeks and then we will have a long break through the new year, then we will head to Europe. How would you feel about us taking our break here?” he asks and I look around the house, wondering where he’s planning on having four full grown men stay for months. He notices my eyes scanning the house and he laughs, “Not here, Natty. I mean Austin. We will be working but I would have time to get to know Erin.” I let the breath I didn't know I was holding out.

“Oh, that sounds great Noah, and you’d be here for her birthday. It’s in September.” He flips back to the first page, “yeah the 17th? I’m gonna put it in my phone” as he says it he pulls out his phone and I see the blank front page aside from a few apps, “wow, you’re pretty boring Noah,” I joke and he laughs. “Oh yeah, I deleted everything a little while ago, It was just a lot haha, I mean seeing my face everywhere and reading everyone's psychoanalysis of me was too much.” Whatever I’m about to say dies on my tongue when Hailye bursts through the door with Folio’s arm tight around her for support.

“Ohhh Honeyyyy I’m hooome!!” she calls out and I laugh getting up from the couch to take her from Folio. “Honey, you're coming  home with another man? I’m shocked.” I take on the fake role of husband quickly as we begin are dumb little routine. “Well honey, you’re home with another man so I think It’s only fair.” she replies swaying in my arms and I work to steady her. “Thank you for getting her home safe, Foli, I appreciate it” I say to the man standing in my door.

“I’ll watch her anytime, she's a great gal,” he says and I can sense he’s being genuine. “She’s a maneater, but we love her.” I say to him as a slight warning. I love Haylie but she doesn’t stay held down for very long in relationships. Calls herself a lone wolf. Folio winks at me and nods to Noah, I’m assuming to gesture he will wait for him outside. “You’ll find that me and my friends work really hard to get the things we desire.” he says before exiting and heading down the front steps.

I turn to Noah whos waiting patiently on the couch, “just give me a second?” I ask and he nods while I help Haylie to her bed, quickly stripping her. I throw an oversized shirt on her and place her water bottle on her nightstand along with the bottle of ibuprofen she will definitely need in the morning.

Heading back out to the living space I sit next to Noah. “So yall leave tomorrow?” I ask and he shakes his head. “No, we have a few days off actually. Our next show is in three days.” I think on it for a moment before responding. “Okay well, Erin will be home tomorrow and I’ll tell her. I’ll see how she feels but maybe we can meet for lunch the next day before you leave?” A look of nervous excitement crosses his face and I almost want to cry again. “That sounds great Natty, here, put in your number so we can plan things later.”

He hands me his phone and I quickly send myself a text from his phone and just like that we're back in each other’s lives. “I know I can’t make up for these last ten years but I want to try. And Natty. I know that you and I-” I cut him off.

“I think all you and I need to worry about is being the best people for Erin we can be, you and I? I don’t know if that's anything we need to dive into right now.” His jaw tightens slightly but he nods in understanding. “So I’ll reach out tomorrow to see how it goes?” He stands and I follow him to the door. “Okay, I will let you know.”

Before reaching for the door knob Noah turns quickly and wraps me in a surprising hug. “I won’t let you down Natty, not this time.” he says and I barely have time to react before he lets me go and says goodbye and exits. I lock up and rest my head against the cool metal door. “What the fuck.” 

Noah POV

My mind is whirling, here I thought Natty and I were going to talk and after the concert she was going to want to talk about life. Just how much we’ve both changed and how our lives are so different. I thought life was bringing me the miracle of a second chance. I guess in a sense it did, but in a way I never expected. A kid. A child. A daughter.

I have a daughter. “I have a daughter.” I say out loud, and I think it’s the first thing I’ve said since Folio and I got back to the hotel. It’s late and we’re all exhausted but we all gathered in Jolly and Folio’s room. Folio spits his drinks out and coughs, “the fuck?” Jolly shares an equal look of surprise and Nicholas looks like his shoulders sag with what I think is relief. I’ll definitely ask him about that later. “You got someone pregnant? Damn. That could seriously mess up your chances with Miss Natalie," Folio says and I laugh at the irony, as does Nicholas which solidifies my curiosity about him already knowing.

That doesn't even surprise me and I just hope he hasn't known longer than we’ve been here or we will have bigger problems. “Well actually. Natalie is her mother. She’s ten.” I tell them and It’s like saying it outloud makes it so much more real.

“She was pregnant after I left her and just never managed to get to me. She just told me, tonight.” Jolly is the next to ask questions.

“She just never told you? How do you feel about that?” I know he’s considering my feelings but I don’t want to set it up that she intentionally kept me away from my child.

“Well at first when she told me I was pissed and then we just talked about it all. She explained herself and there were a lot of things that I have to accept. She felt abandoned and I did leave her. She tried to tell me and fucking Alex stuck her nose in it and then Kevin said some fucked up shit. It’s not at all what I wanted my life to be with Nat, but, this is happening.” I stand up and move to  grab a sparkling water from the mini fridge.

“Do you still want a life with her?” Nicholas finally speaks up. “I don’t know if I’ll ever fully move on from her, she was the first girl I ever truly loved. But, she doesn't want anything like that with me, especially now. She said all she wants is for us to be there for Erin. So that's what I’ll do.” Folio smiles and grabs me into a crushing hug. “Congratulations Daddy!” he calls out and the other guys laugh.

“So does win baby momma's heart back start now? Or…” Folio asks and I roll my eyes and wrap my arm around his head pulling him into a headlock to ruffle his hair.

“Why don’t we start with trying to get my daughter that probably thinks I abandoned her to like me and then I can start to think about trying to win the love of my life back?”

thank you for reading besties!!

next upload won't be for about a week! working on some other wips an building out the outline for future chapter! love youuuuuu :)

next chapter ->

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I’m There: Chapter Nineteen

special thanks to @madomens for the slay Natalie tattoo edit ❤️ -> thank you bestie

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

word count: 4.8k 0_o

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

edited by me ....soooo if you see something spelt wrong no you didn't.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @thebadchic @jessitpwk @samanthasgone @laurpartyprogram @myownthoughts12

“Are you fucking kidding me, Natalie?” Noah’s voice is not like anything I’ve ever heard before. “How could you be so selfish? For ten years you kept this from me? You had no right.” It rumbles out of him like thunder and he crowds me into the wall. “I should have at least stayed long enough for her to be born so we could have both gotten away from you. I could have given her a good life. Should have known you’d end up a drunk just like your mother.” 

Noah’s words bite into me and I can’t help the tears that fall. “I’m not a drunk” I try to defend myself but it’s to no avail. “Yeah right, the way you were throwing drinks back last night tells me enough. I can’t believe I had a baby with such a whore.” I gasped at his harsh remark, “Noah, I understand if you’re mad but don’t talk to me like that.” I say, trying to regain some of my strength. “Oh, does it hurt? Being finally told the truth about how much of a lying bitch you are?” He practically spits the words in my face. “Stop, talking to me like that.” I can barely choke the words out. “She’ll never forgive you for letting her grow up without a father, she’ll hate you. But not nearly as much as I do.” 

“Nat…”

“Natty.”

“Natalie?”

I feel my shoulders being shaken lighty and I bolt up in a hot sweat gasping for breath. My mouth feels drier than ever and my head is pounding.

“Natalie? Are you okay? You were talking in your sleep.” Haylie rubs my back lightly and hands me my water bottle from the nightstand. I guess we must have just both crashed in my room last night after getting home from the rave. I bury my hands in my hair and rest my head on my knees as I curl into myself.“I had a horrible dream. Noah was saying awful things.” I chug half my water bottle, “he was yelling in my face, calling me a bitch and a liar. Saying Erin would hate me for keeping the truth from her.” I lay my head back down and throw my arm over my eyes. “This is a fucking disaster,” I groan. “But you know that’s not even true? You told Erin her dad was your boyfriend in high school and that you two broke up.” Haylie offers as a way to comfort my racing mind. “Plus you’re not a liar or a bitch. I was there when you tried to tell him. I held you when you were crying because he was with some girl. You tried Natty, and that matters. I know it’s hard but Erin is getting older and you were already thinking you needed to tell her more. Maybe this is the universe pushing you to do it.” She taps my arm and hands me four ibuprofen to help with my hangover. “The universe can fucking kiss my ass,” I say taking the offered pills and taking them with the rest of my water. “It’ll work out Nat, I’m sure of it. And if he does turn out to be the mega dick in your nightmare I’ll kick his ass.” I managed out a pitiful laugh, “if he says any of that to me in real life I’ll kick his ass myself.” 

It’s a Tuesday which is my typical off day since I have therapy in the afternoon. I texted Anna and told her I was going to close my books for the rest of the week to prepare for my family coming into town. There’s always plenty of other artists that are there for walkins so it’s not like I’m leaving the shop in jeopardy. She told me it was about time I took some time off. 

Anna: Enjoy your time with the fam! And please for the love of god tell me you’ll at least kiss that beautiful tall boy you were dancing with last night. 10:46am

I roll my eyes and let out another groan, “dancing on him? Are you serious? God, I am such an idiot.” I roll out of bed and stumble over my clothes that are strewn around the room until I make it into the bathroom. A hot shower will do wonders for me right now. I need to freshen up before seeing Dr. Grady and then I can figure out how I’m going to break the news to Noah later this evening. 

While the hot water from my shower rains down on me, parts of last night come flooding back to me.

I didn’t think I was that drunk but I stumble as I climb into the Uber with not only Haylie, but also Noah, Nick, Folio and Jolly. Anna and Rachel left before us and I guess we thought it made sense for us all to share an Uber since Haylie and I live together and the boys would just continue to their hotel. “I can’t believe you guys are here,” I remember my slurred words and cringe with embarrassment. “Left us to become a big rockstar like you always wanted,” I recall Nicky’s eyes flashing to me in horror through the rear view mirror like he thought I was going to tell him right then, drunk in the Uber. “God my head is going to kill in the morning” Haylie says, rubbing her temples and leaning her head on mine. “We’re getting too old for this,” I laugh and Haylie looks up at me “oh hush mom! We’re young and hot!” She cheers and Folio who had been just watching us laughs as well, “Hell yeah!” He echoes her cheer and turns to raise his hand to high five us in the backseat. Haylie excitedly hits his open palm and there’s a loud smack. Joining the conversation it’s Jolly that asks, “how long have you two lived together?” I clear my throat and readjust my dress straps, suddenly aware of the seating configuration. Nick is in the front seat next to the driver. Folio and Jolly are in the captain's chairs in the middle and squished in the back is Haylie then me and then Noah. Hyper aware of my surroundings I hesitated before answering, “almost ten years now, we met pretty soon after I moved out here and became friends really fast.” Nodding in agreement Haylie confirms, “yeah, Natalie is the best! We’re like a little family. The three amigos.” I swat Haylie on the thigh to get her to stop talking. “You have another roommate?” Noah asks quietly and I feel bile rise in my throat. “Sort of, she’s not home tonight” I blurt out quickly and look out the window and I’ve never been happier to see the outside of our house as I was then. “Oh! This is us!” Haylie shouts and we both unbuckle and climb over across the middle clumsily. Haylie falls onto Folios lap and giggles “oh sorry,” he just winks and opens the door from his seat. “No problem gorgeous, good night you too” he says and we wave, smiling from the sidewalk. “Bye! Goodnight” we both call out before heading into the house. 

Rinsing the conditioner out of my hair I finish washing the soap off of my body and shut the water off. I stare at myself into the foggy mirror and wipe away the cloudy residue. “Okay Natty, time to face the music” I say to myself. Today everything will change. My appointment is at 1 pm and it’s 11:30 now. I’ll make something to eat before heading that way. In the past six years I’ve been seeing Dr. Grady. I've come so far. With my mom’s death, everything with Noah and raising Erin by myself. She’s always told me that there’s only so many things we can control. All I can do is make sure Erin is getting the best care I can offer. I was so angry for years, jealous of him getting to live his life free of responsibility and then having to deal with the guilt of being jealous. I love Erin and I wouldn’t go back and change anything if it meant we didn’t have what we have now. But I always wanted two parents that loved each other and I wanted that for my kids. Maybe the least I can do is give her two parents that love her. I don’t even know if Noah will want to talk to me after telling him the truth. 

Later that day I’m sitting with Dr. Grady in her office and she’s in quiet contemplation after I explained my situation. “Well I understand it’s certainly not how you imagined it going, but it sounds like you have an opportunity to put it all out there.” I take a deep breath in and lean my head back against the soft leather couch. “Yeah, I just can’t stop thinking about this nightmare I had.” The words Noah in my dream said echoed in my thoughts all day. “I see how those words would hurt. This is a stressful situation, it makes sense that your mind would be in distress. Do you truly believe any of the things this dream figure said?” Shaking my head I begin to consider what I know about Noah. It’s been years but I don’t think he would ever be that mean. I have to understand and accept that he might be angry.  “It’s been almost a decade since I had seen him last, I just hoped to have some control over when and where I would try to tell him again.” I explain to the Doctor. Humming softly Dr. Grady sits for a moment in quiet contemplation, “Unfortunately, life rarely allows us to have much control. I know there may be some fear in telling him after all these years but I do see it as being a great way to tackle the root of your anxiety.” My anxiety has been bad for a while now, I can manage it enough but I know she’s right. “I know. You’re right. Since Erin was born this has been weighing on me and now is the chance I have to finally have him in front of me. I’m just scared.” 

After my appointment I head back home. Laying on my bed I call Erin to check on her, I have been texting with Ashely’s mom and got a few pictures of the girls at the zoo. She has an emergency phone with only a few numbers saved on it, she answers quickly and is immediately telling me excitedly about their day, “oh my god mom, we got to see a baby elephant get a bottle it was so cute! And then we went into the butterfly pavilion and we had a little cup of nectar and there were so many on me Mom! It was awesome!” Hearing her with so much happiness in her voice fills me with so much joy. “That's amazing sweetie! I am so happy you’re having a good time. I miss you though, I’m thinking tomorrow when you come home we can have a girls day? We can go get manicures and get ice cream from that new shop we saw last week?” I tell her, after telling Noah tonight I will need to also tell Erin more about her dad. “That sounds so fun! I want to try the cotton candy ice cream!” She laughs and tells me more about her time at the zoo. “Okay well you girls have fun and remember to say thank you to Ashleys’ Mom. I love you sweetie!” I tell her, “I love you too mommy! Bye!” She hangs up the phone and Haylie chooses then to bust into my room and declare its time to start getting ready for the concert. “Okay, if you’re about to change this guys whole life you’re about to look sexy as fuck doing it.” she declares before tearing through my closet for something to dress me in. 

Haylie decides I need to wear a black silk slip dress and my red leather jacket and black boots, “yeah, it's sexy but like you’re not trying that hard. It’s perfect, hopefully he’ll be too distracted by how sexy you are to be mad.” Laughing lightly I turn in the mirror and give myself a once over, “yeah, I still got it.” I say to my reflection. Next we work on our hair and make up together while eating some chinese food we ordered. The concert will start in a couple hours so we will leave soon. The deadline of shattering Noah's reality is fast approaching and I am so nervous, I just pray that the food sits in my stomach long enough for me to talk to him. 

Hours later we are sitting backstage in the boys green room and I’m trying not to freak out. Nicholas is one of the first in and I grab his arm and pull him into the corner. “Nicky I need you to be my friend for five minutes okay,” Trying to keep my voice steady and my breaths even. His eyes soften as he notices my shaking hands, “I’ve always been your friend Natty. I’m sorry about how I reacted last night. It was just a shock.” Fighting to keep my food down I swallow nothing and focus my thoughts, “I shouldn't have jumped down your throat Nicky, that wasn't fair. I’m just freaking out okay. This isn't something I ever intended to keep from him, you have to understand that I tried okay, when I found out and even after. I tried. I just- life just got away from me.” Tears are threatening and I’m fighting to keep my composure. Nick surprises me by pulling me into a hug, “I’m sorry Natty. I-” whatever he was about to say is interrupted by the other guys filing into the room. “Ladies! Two nights in a row, I am a lucky man!” Folio cheers and I see Haylie smile and blush slightly, she’s always liked guys like him. Noah notices Nick and I and has a curious look on his face. Nick looks at me and with a warm smile says, “do it after the show, I know it will be a shock to him but after it wears off and the dusk settles it will be okay.” His words give me a little comfort and we all migrate to the center of the room for some casual conversation. “We’re excited for the show,” Haylie says and I offer a small smile. “Yeah, it should be a good one,” Jolly comments as he takes a sip of his tea. Noah’s attention turns to me, “I’m glad Nicky found that article, It’s good to see you Natty.” I smile but my heart cracks, my stomach bubbles and I feel sweat gather at the back of my neck. “It’s good to see you too Noah, Um Haylie will you come with me to the bathroom. We’ll see you guys after the show okay? Good luck up there.” I take her hand and we rush out of the room into the hallway outside of the green room. My footsteps quicken and I end up running into the bathroom, busting into the stall and emptying the contents of my stomach. “That chinese was a bad idea, why didnt I eat something light like a fucking salad. No one wants to throw up a salad. I’m so stupid. This whole thing is stupid. My whole life is stupid. Noah and his stupid beautiful face is stupid.” Haylie allows me to go on and get it all out before pulling me up and shaking my shoulders. “You are a hot and sexy and successful woman. A loving and caring mother and friend. You can do this, You can do anything. It will be difficult but not the hardest thing you’ve done and I will be with you supporting you through it all. I will always be here, and if he’s smart he will get over whatever anger he feels fast.” If I hadn’t just thrown up I would have hugged her. I freshen up, rinse out my mouth and re-powder my face. 

When the show starts I just try to keep up my breathing technique, deep breath in, hold for four seconds and then slowly exhale. I am focusing on my heart rate and keeping myself calm. I’m dissociating, I know I am and the thing that tips me back into reality is his voice. 

You need a new clean slate without the dents

A place to put your pain, your consequence

When you look into the mirror

Are you even there?

I don't wanna know all your secrets 'cause I'll tell

It's hard enough being alone with myself

I feel myself backing up, away from it all. The fear gripping my heart and taking over. Haylie grabs my hand. “What are you doing?” she asks and I just shake my head. “I can’t- I need to breathe, I can’t - I can’t breathe.” my voice rasps out and I see his eyes shift to wear I am. Seeing me start to show the signs of an oncoming panic attack as the song continues. 

So write a brand new page, then write again

I know your act is staged, yet you pretend

All while you're turning tables

With missing legs

I think you've overstayed your welcome in

So go the fuck away, don't come again

I'll see your face in the fire 

And burn it out

“Haylie, I can’t breathe.” I gasp out and she nods, holding my hand and pulls me back towards the backstage exit. I burst out into the hot summer air and gulped down lungfuls of air. I run my hands through my hair and grip two handfuls of it at the base as I breath heavily through my teeth. 

Deep breath in and hold. Count to four and then let it out slowly.

Repeat.

Deep breath in and hold. Count to four and then let it out slowly.

Repeat. 

Haylie allows me to center myself before speaking. “Natalie, you have come this far. I know its hard. I know, but you can’t let this opportunity to tell him go. I love you like a sister and I will support you but you cannot run away from this.” Looking up at the dark Texas sky and see the crescent moon high in the sky. “I know, I know. That's why I love you, always making me do what's right. Ugh, it's your best and worst trait.” she laughs and gestures back towards the doors. “Come on, they’ll have a few more songs left.” She says and we head back in and stand at the side stage. We’re back in time for their last two songs of their set. 

I made another mistake

Thought I could change, thought I could make it out

Promises break, need to hear you say

"You're gonna keep it now"

I miss the way you say my name

The way you bend, the way you break

Your makeup running down your face

The way you touch, the way you taste

I purposefully don’t listen to Noah’s music. I purposefully avoid this song at all costs. It oozes sex and lust and want and I have to try and forget how much I loved him. How good he used to make me feel. How in love we used to be. How much I wanted a life with him. How much I wanted him to be there with me with my life with Erin. 

They end the set with “Dethroned” and afterwards we are sitting in the green room. They walk out of the dressing areas freshly showered. “That was a great show! Yall rock!” Haylie exclaims and goes in to give Folio a high five. He returns it happily, wearing a huge grin. “Thank you! So what are you thinking? You want to grab a drink?” Folio asks us and I stammer, “um, I was hoping to get a second to talk to Noah in private. Is that okay?” I ask Noah and his eyes twinkle at my question. “Of course. Why don’t you guys head out and we can catch up?” Noah says to the guys and Haylie nods in agreement. “Great idea. I know a good place nearby.” She hugs me tightly before leaving and whispers in my ear, “you got this.” I give her a small smile and watch as they leave, Nick leaving me with a hug as well and gives me a reassuring look. 

Alone in the room I cough awkwardly and he shuffles and shakes out his hair. “Um, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?” he asks. I gulp audibly, “um would you be uncomfortable if we went to my house? I don’t mean it like that��� I uncomfortably laugh, “there's something I need to tell you and there’s some stuff you might want to see.” He looks surprised and I get it. After ten years, why would I need to say or show him anything? “Oh, okay? What is it?” he asks and I trip over my own feet as we’re walking out the door and he reaches out to catch me. “I will tell you, just not here. I’ll call an uber, It’s only about fifteen minutes away.”  

One sixteen minute nearly silent uber ride later we’re standing awkwardly outside of my front door. “Okay, Um this is really hard.” I rasp out, “I just want you to know before this happens that I never wanted to hurt you Noah.” He looks at me and is very confused. “Um okay? I’m starting to get worried. What is it ?” he asks as I unlock the front door and we head in. On the shoe rack by the front entrance there are a stack of sparkly kids tennis shoes, small sandals and a pair of yellow rain boots. On the walls near the front door are a cork board full of pictures. I take off my shoes and he follows doing the same. Looking at the photos that line the wall and fill the frames. I see him notice the shoes and pay close attention to the pictures, seeing the one of the three of us, Haylie, Erin and I all dressed up for halloween.

“Cute, Does Haylie have a daughter?” he asks. I have to face this head on, I have to be honest and tell him. “No, Haylie doesn't have a daughter. That's my daughter. Her name is Erin.” Noah’s eyes flash towards me and his whole body tenses. “Oh. Wow. A kid, Wow, Natalie, that's great, I’m happy for you.” He says and I need some water. Leading him further into the house we make it into the kitchen and I reach into my cupboard for a glass. “Water?” I ask and he shakes his head, declining. “Okay, Noah.-” I start, “shit, this is hard. Okay, I know this is going to be hard. I know. Okay, Erin. My daughter? She’s yours.” I finally manage to word vomit it out and for the first time since Erin was born the massive weight of guilt feels as though it's lifted off of my chest. Noah’s body freezes, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you. What was that?” he asks. “Erin, she’s your daughter. She’s almost ten, I didn’t know what to do, I was alone okay, you were gone. I left school and moved here and just tried to start over.” I am feeling the anxiety leaking into my veins, terrified my dream from last tonight is about to become reality. “I have a kid? You had a baby - our baby?” Noah stares at me with wide eyes, “wait, why didn't you say anything? For ten years? You’ve kept this from me? For ten fucking years?!” volume is rising his words bristle against me. 

“ but I did try to tell you Noah,” I sigh, defeated. “I called when I found out, Alex answered the phone and she said some awful things, she got into my head- I just couldn’t tell you then. The next time  I called, your number was disconnected. I tried again even after that. I went to a show. Haylie saw online y’all would be here and she convinced me to just go and find you to tell you in person. That manager you had, Kevin? He told me you were in the back with some girl, that you’d be done soon if I wanted to wait around for my turn. I was pregnant, hormonal, and angry okay. I left.” I take a deep calming breath. “My last effort was right after Erin was born, I sent you a letter with a picture of us in it, telling you everything. I didn’t want to keep it from you but it was like every time I reached for you- you were just out of my grasp” I fight the tears that are threatening to fall. “I was alone. I was scared and I was all she had. I had to be everything for her. I couldn’t keep holding on to the idea that you’d come and save me again. I did want you there with me Noah, but I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. I had to move on and I’m truly sorry that it’s turned out this way”

He paces the small space in my kitchen taking in all of my words “Fucking Alex.” He says running his hands through his hair. “I never got any letter. You really thought I’d just ignore something like this?” His breath is labored and I can hear the emotions rising in his voice. “Why didn’t you just walk through the door and find me? You just left? What if he had been lying? He was, by the way, fucking rat bastard. You could have come back and talked to me, you just walked away.” There’s an annoyance in his voice that frustrates me. 

“I am human Noah, burdened with pride like everyone else. You wanted me to what? Wait for you to finish banging the groupie while I sat there growing our child inside me? Just bust down the door that I thought you were having sex with some other girl behind? That’s what you’d expect of me?” I’m yelling now. “You think I rejoiced in the fact that I would have to face this alone? That I hoped every time I reached out to you I would be rejected and left alone again and again.” Big angry tears fill my eyes and I do nothing to stop them from falling. “I kept trying to tell you because despite all of it, all of the hurt and pain, I was still hopelessly in love with you.” My voice quiets to its normal volume although breaking slightly. “The first boy I ever loved, the boy that promised me he would always be there, always save me, that same boy was the one crushing my heart into nothing.” I take a deep calming breath and continue, “I had to let you go. When I sent that letter I was ready to accept whatever role you wanted to take in our lives. When I received nothing…I just had to accept that our lives were on different paths heading far away from each other. Erin was my whole world and I couldn’t give her half of my heart while the other was still tangled with you. I had to let you go, Noah.” My eyes are focused on the ground as I finish and wait for him to say something. I look up to find his own eyes filled with tears as a quiet sob escapes his lips. “Nat, I can’t believe this is where we ended up, I can’t believe you had our baby and I wasn’t there. That she’s been alive for ten years and I never knew. That you did this all by yourself thinking I didn’t care. I just-“ more tears fall and I notice more of my own are coating my cheeks. “I wanted this life with you, wanted the family and the happiness and the love, I should have fought harder for you, I should have never let you go.” His voice shakes with his words, “Can I meet her?” he asks quietly and my tears fall even harder. “Of course, yes, of course you can meet her. She’s coming home tomorrow from a sleepover and I’m going to talk to her about it all. I need to prepare her for it. She knows a little but I just don’t want to overwhelm her with it all at once.” He nods and wipes the tears from his face. “I’m sorry Natalie, I’m sorry this happened like this but I can be there for her now, I know it will take time. We’re coming up on a break soon, I can come out here and we can try to figure something out. I don’t want to miss anymore of her life.”

thank you all for reading :)

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