#like I could do today everyday
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#today I somehow had the chilliest days in a while#which consisted of me going to my uni class the morning then bc somehow we have a heatwave in the middle of autumn season#i drunk some Piña colada#and by 3 in the afternoon I was sitting alone in my favorite bar just me and a dude doing some work on his laptop#I was drinking my beers while reading fanfiction 😭 only to get home later and have the nappiest of naps ever#like I could do today everyday#I dont even think I spoke much today
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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everyday I draw beautiful arms and forwhat
#wordstag#whatever. I know I need to do them. Morally speaking and artistically speaking#but it makes me soooo sad like yeah sorry. im gonna have to censor you with a sleeve. That’s literally a rectangle. Yeah it’s irreversible.#I suffer everyday and forwhat. Does this amuse someone out there? Did someone want me to live this way?#anyway its actually so hot in here. And also so late. On da clock. I haven’t stayed up this long in ages#kind of weird. Like in my heart I know it probably the drugs (<- see: I had some caffeine both today and yesterday. Calling it a drug#sounds funny & amuses me.) but also what the hellllll literally what if bro up to.#I could be like. Sleepin with this time. Dreamin and things of the sort. But we’re here. Hellworld#anyway that arm thing I think its because I like 2 wear long sleeves. Like to the point where if I wear short sleeves someone is bound to#throw some sorta fit about it. HENCEFORTH ! I force my ideas onto innocent characters. Because of woke.#or something along those lines. Really it just gives me more fabric to work with <- guy who doesn’t outfit design all too often#anyway ive been watching house season one as of late have you seen that show dude .#ok uhhhherrrhmmmmmmm bye
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putting on mtt offical themes and fanmade theme songs and group songs when i sleep all so when i fall asleep and dream i can see them and see what theyll be like and then i wont have to think of them 24/7 through my day when i can just think of them during night. this possibility could either end up in me getting killed by them so gruesomely that i wake up traumatized or i wake up happy and satisfied from a restful night of trio dream time
#least deranged murder time trio fan#everyday i whisper to the world. make the murder time trio real please#it would absolutely be terrible for me. it would be bad for EVERYONE#but i just NEED to see them#i NEED to see what they would look like. sound like. interact with eachother#i unironically do this like every other night accidentally. bc i listen to their themes a lot#so when i put on loop and then get eepy i dont have energy to turn loop off. and its lowkey relaxing#you wouldnt expect someone to fall asleep to fucking red megalovania but I DO. I DO.#it hasnt worked yet to my disarray. i dream almost every night and not once has the mtt appeared in my sleep#CMON NIGHTMARE PUT THEM IN MY WILLING MIND. IDC IF YOU MAKE THE DREAM NEGATIVE#lowkey questionnaire is genuinely so peaceful to sleep to. its nice and quiet so you get the comfort of horror sans but also can sleep#makes me feel like im right there man.... dressed in a ragged purple dress and a missing arm..... looking at the axe about to kill me#anyways UGH i say this every othe week but i need the mtt to kill me. i know theyd do it quickly too#they wouldnt care enough about me to put me through torture and suffering thankfully. so they could be the angels i already praise them as#also if i have one wish in life its to see the trio bickering and laughing over my dead body as i bleed out#or is that my death wish. either one man i just really like them a tad#my friend and i have watched up to 0.3 pt 2 of underverse ‼️‼️‼️ shes about to get to 0.4#i cant WAIT to see her reaction when ink betrays everyone. she really likes ink so far. shes an ink fan#it KILLS me (haha PUN) to try and hold back on spoilers but i must#anyways soon shell get to see killer's first appearance in underverse im gonna hype him up so much#she also hates nightmare. probably because i told her once that i wrote him killing a cat. but also she just thinks hes an ass#i was like hes serving his purpose thats exactly what he wants. he WANTS you to hate him..... youre just feeding him your negative energy#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#eepy.... feel eepy...... its late. spent time outside today surprisingly
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tw ed in the tags !!
#im feeling sooo awful abt my body today its crazy#i dont wanna relapse but also i have prom and grad coming up so its very very tempting#silly side note but ive been friends w some moots on edtwt longer than I've known some of my irls and that's crazy to me#anyway i was looking at tweets of me being so majorly uber excited abt final hitting 45 kg T-T like man omfg#feb 23 me was the skinniest id ever been and i was thriving !!#and i highkey wanna be that again#was my hair thinning and did my face look so gaunt it scared me at times? yes#did i also feel my prettiest + have the most external validation from strangers etc ever? also yes !!#i feel fat and ugly rn but I'm also just very averagely weighted#but i have a naturally broader built but i feel like i look bigger even if I'm not ?? 9ufdkjhjs#anyway its scary looking through old tweets bc I'm talking abt skipping lunch like everyday and stuff like that's scary !! don't do that#but also it makes me wanna do it again like if i could look like that again... id genuinely kill myself for it#i was kinda also p healthy back then LOL only ate god food#cardio every evening + muscle training every morning#anyway teehee thats all i very much dislike my body rn and i hope i can lose a bit so i don't feel like dying <3#i have hope bc im only 5kg off what i used to be so !! shouldn't be too hard yaaya if i can just get back in the 40s ill be happy like a 47#i got this !! hopefully will not destroy myself in the process yay#tw ed
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is anyone else experiencing random crashing or has heard about a certain mod possibly affecting this?
#i can't exactly replicate it either because it's so random :/#yesterday i was making a sim and doing outfits and stuff and it crashed before i could get to the formal section#today it crashed after i had only given her 2 everyday outfits#and it's not like the game stops responding it just closes with no warning#idk what to do but it's really frustrating me#i really want to play but this is just sucking the motivation to do it out of me#also hi i'm sorry for not really being here 🥺i feel bad
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having a glass or two of white wine even though im working (still) lets see if it makes things any easier
#i havent had alcohol in like three weeks and i thought about it today for a moment and i felt dizzy. how could it be that three weeks had#passed when this whole time felt like just such .. blur#have i even done anything but work thorough this whole time. i feel like thats all i do everyday#working during the week and working during the weekend. nothing else. girl im going so stupid crazy#pogaduchy
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Not to be a jingfu on main, but it's so cute that Jing Yuan thought of Fu Xuan with those jelly beans
#me: the Xianzhou characters are all just coworkers#also me whenever anyone is shown to be fond and have intimate knowledge of some other character: awwww#Like Fu Xuan and Jing Yuan playing starchess and teasing each other or making a reference to things they like#or Jing Yuan talking about young Yukong#Quingque apparently disliking Fu Xuan but obviously that not being the case‚ knowing what she likes and how she thinks#Fu Xuan hiding that she has a sweet tooth but Jing Yuan and Quingque knowing it and teasing her for it#I don't know. There are a lot of instances of these small intimate details in the middle of what looks like a coworker relationship#Good coworkers‚ but coworkers nonetheless#And ironically it moves me so much? Even more so than Belobog. I've been told several times that Belobog seemed more tight. And I agree#In Belobog people were friends or family or companions but linked by something closer than mere coworkers with Wildfire#Even Sampo in the Underworld was strangely 'theirs'. He had the magenta colour of Wildfire and he was trusted to some extent#The Luofu characters don't have that. And yet the fragments of intimacy scattered through their interactions move me a lot#These are people who have known each other for centuries. Jing Yuan knows of Yukong's youth‚ its joy and grief#He knows Fu Xuan has a sweet tooth and teases her about her height. Quingque does too#Fu Xuan chastises both of them for being lazy but she knows they're smart and good at their job. She plays starchess with Jing Yuan#Quingque mocks Fu Xuan for being a workaholic but is very aware of the weight she carries both in her position and ideas about destiny#I won't mention Yanqing and Bailu because there is obviously more than a coworker bound when it comes to them#But yes I love the moments of intimate knowledge scattered through the Xianzhou‚ so telling of the fact that these people have known#each other for longer than several human lifetimes‚ and that perhaps they don't necessarily regard each other as more than their coworker#But perhaps that's enough in order for them to care. Perhaps in a lifetime over one thousand years the intimacy gained with a coworker#through several centuries is something beyond what we could understand in our decades lifespan#But also‚ perhaps‚ I don't know. Also‚ perhaps‚ the do care beyond coworkers in that strange line between work and friendship#Perhaps it's strange for Xianzhou natives to tell apart that kind of relationship after so much intimacy and knowledge through the years#And perhaps‚ once again‚ as it often happens for them‚ they think they'll always have enough time to tell; until they run out of it#They play chess together. Quingque can lose time because Fu Xuan can't stay mad if she brings her sweets. Are they just coworkers?#We play chess. I know what tea and sweets you like best. I brought them today since you would indulge me and play starchess with me#Thanks for playing with me‚ I'm running out of book puzzles. You keep divining my moves but I'll invent a fake story to distract you#Are we coworkers or something more like friends? Where is the line after so many years?#I talk too much but I love this charged nothingness haha I find it ironically so true to how many relationships in real life develop#And I find it so moving‚ that representation of this endearing smallness of everyday life. Of these small things is life made
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Wish I had more of that stereotypical "refined genius psychopath mystery villain" vibes and less "dysfunctional no sleep cycle can't tell when/if they have emotions traumatized mess doesn't feel like a human paranoid future true crime psychopath" vibes. So that was word salad. Moving on.
#i have been described as a genius but unfortunately the#aspd and other mental illnesses mess with my impulse control and risk vs return and energy/motivation levels#so it kind of gets in the way of showing off my intelligence most of the time#which probably makes me less insufferable but also leads to some people underestimating me#or just thinking of me as too much of a mess in general#both of which i hate#and when it comes to the 'coolness/sophistication factor' vs 'unfortunate creature that needs to stop interacting with humans vibe' well.#trust me i would go into seclusion for the rest of time if it was financially viable and if#my various projects didn't require working with other people#ugh I'm not really that upset today I'm just frustrated by my brain#also my body and other people and the universe and the concept of time but that's a whole different subject#sometimes the stars align and it's like the best aspects of everything 'wrong' with me are displaying at once#and i actually feel like myself and like myself#then something shifts idk but the worse things start showing again and the best bits lose some of their influence and#suddenly I'm struggling to get through a day with a decent level of functionality and without engaging in destructive behaviors#the AND is very important because i can usually do or. At least i have that i guess#today i don't feel like a person i feel like a poorly written character who's been brought into real life#only to find out that when faced with normal everyday problems#their fucked up little traits are way more of a disadvantage than they thought#i could probably blame it on the trauma or the aspd or a million other things#but maybe it's just because i am the person i am#and idk how to feel about that#just want the stars to align again
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Perhaps I was made for hanging out
#*p#So much funnn today#Realizing I really do not hang out with people ever#Like a little bit ago I realized when I stopped by my friends house to ask him something abt what we were going to do the next day and#We went on a drive and talked abt random shit and stopped at a park walked up a hill just because we could#And then we hung out the next day and then he was still like tomorrow we can do something too#And I realized then that it was strange to me to hang out with someone multiple days in a row but to him it was perfectly normal#Like for me going to go see my friends required a lot of planning bc we are always busy at different times and live in different areas of#The city#But all his friends were his high-school classmates so they got to go to school together everyday and then got to hang out after school too#Hashtag online high-school life . I never realized I was lonely. It didn't occur to me before that I could just hang out with people and do#Also an age /living alone thing like now I can do whatever I want whenever I want I love it#I'm going to go back home and my parents are going to be mad that I just leave the house without telling them#Not in a bad way just like a we've already made plans or dinner is at whatever time yk
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we were studying in a semi comfortable silence so I didn't ask her
#but i flirted today. in front of people#well in front of two classmates#i was like “do you do something to your eyelashes?”#and she responded “i curl them”#and thennnn i said “theyre so beautiful. i seriously can't stop looking at your eyes because theyre so pretty”#and then she started smiling really shyly while giggling#I WON ‼️#i made her smile teehee#she's so beautiful i love her smile#god i wish i could see her everyday i hardly know her but i want to know everything about her. im so delusional bc like#ik that I'll just be disappointed since im placing this expectation onto her#im creating this image of her in my head with the few details shes provided me with so graciously#and im taking creative liberties that i shouldn't be#shes just a regular person and shes not going to have some crazy connection with me and we're not going to bestest friends and#college sweethearts or whatever#im going to continue to feel alone chronically and perpetually and i will be half in the closet and one foot in my grave#sigh#z.post
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i am severely upset at the sexyman polls for this year. yeah its absolutely because im biased and not a single one of the mtt won. but killer vs error is still going on you say!!! NO,,,,, killer's lost,,,,, its 70 error 30 killerISH so yeah,,,,, none of the mtt MADE!!!! IT!!!! and with the boom in killer content these past few months i wasSO FUCKING SURE that he'd like AT LEAST get higher up. nope. because of ERROR. listen i like him. he was my og bias when i first joined this fandom. i was an error fanatic. but bro,,,,, bro,,,,,,,,, killer,,,,, lost,,,,,, AND FUCKING HORROR AND DUST LOST TOO!!!! LIKE WHAY. WHAT. PUTTING HORROT AGAINST ERROR AND DUST AGAINST CROSS!!!! THEYRE LITERALLY BOTH THE TWO GUYS THAT (1/2 of them) WON LAAT YEAR!!!! OF COURSE THEYRE GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE MTT!!!!! this is very upseting im really sad imMAD. but no point in being a sore loser.... mtt won in my HEART 🧡
dust laughing at both horror and killer for getting the shit beaten out of them by error and then they bring up the fact that he lost to CROSS. this is the second time someone in the mtt lost to cross (theyre all making out in the loser's room) (mtt poly real btw)
#sexyman polls but instead its all just mtt and peoples' aus and varients#i COULD NOT be able to vote. it would be hell for me WHO WOULD I CHOOSE#i CAN'T choose dude i literally wouldn't be able to at all#do i vote for og mtt my pookies??? or jk mtt my besties???? or mst my children????? WHO DO I VOTE FOR#i think i would be biased to the murder swap trio. i haven't mad any content for them at all but like#i spent my TIME and EFFORT into them. and they are cool ngl i really like their concepts#too bad swapinverse isnt seeing the light of day until goddamn 2026 or something because i cant be bothered to make content of it#oops! savior mania paranoia you guys are JUST FOR ME. just me only! nobody else gets to see you guys#or literally anyone else in swapinverse.... i love swapinverse.#they need to make the tag limit like 60 or something i have too many thoughts#quite a few too many times on my posts have i hit the limit and then had to choose#my tags trembling in fear as i pick and choose which to delete in order to make space for the fandom tags#tricule rant#i still have more tags time toRAMBLE!!! i love the idea of dust and horror having opposite ish souls#like dust's soul is PACKED with magic. like crackling and sparking and glowing purple with just how much he has in there bc of his LV stuff#i dont believe in the idea that dust suffers physically from LV or whatever because like. when has that EVER happened#its a cool idea though and i get to pick and choose which headcanons i believe in as god of these fictional characters and creations#anyways OBVIOUSLY horror's soul is dim and shriveled and looks like a fucking dead leaf. because lack of food lack of magic#even though he very clearly DOES have a lot of magic and shows it multiple times in horrortale.....#ok triglycercule you keep contradicting yourself. stop it. BUT THERES TOO MANY MTT HCS OUT THERE!!! AND SOME OF THIS IS CANON!!!!!#god the mttverse is gonna kill me one day too many interpretations TOO MANY CHOICES#anyways i just like that soul idea bc of the contrast. dust too much magic horror not enough. horrordust real#and then killer pulls up with his yn main character ass unique soul with stages#the GET OUT sound effect plays. anyways they all love eachothers souls and unique differences in them#everyday im reminded of the fact that killer is a little. just an EENSY bit more of a special character that horror or dust#he has too much shit going on someone assassinate him. preferably two fellas with names starting with H and D alternatively M#i love coming up with various sayings to kill/shut myself up. someone sedate me#i just remembered this dream where i say to my friend i hope ___ gets into a sticky situation#and then ___ goes into a bathroom comes out and then someone else says ___ WHY ARE YOU ALL STICKY#it was so funny i laughed myself awake. it was SO funny. i saw this person in school today
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I honestly don't know if I could have earned my undergrad degree if not for YouTube teaching videos and text to speech features for reading pdfs
#i just cannot read. too dyslexic.#god. if i could read i would be unkillable. i could code. i could learn abt lots of things#u dont understand how discouraging it is to spend hours trying to read a paper and just retaining none of it#i love to learn. i just wish everything with audio. except i also have issues with audio lol so i need the written and the verbal#i was just watching a video on jaccard similarly for a micobial network analysis thing#i spent hours today trying to understand the code description and then i do to a video description of jaccard#and im like oh. that fucking makes sense its just scoring the fucking overlap across samples dumbass#god bless the people making those videos. they got me thru math and chem and cell bio and stats and r coding#if i lived in any pre internet time idk what id do. not be an academic i guess#bc if i had to read physical books i would cry everyday and get no where#sometimes. dyslexia. makes. me. sad.#my dyslexia assessment says im smart when not constrained by language and time. which is like cool. fucking. that's really annoying#i crumble under time constraints and i cant intake or articulate info. great. rip#ugh. annoying. shout out to my dad for afflicting me with this curse. the dyslexia genes r so fucking strong from his family#me. my sisters and my cousin r all varying degrees of dyslexic#if u ask me to read and unknown word aloud its extremely embarrassing. im like a 4 year old guessing at words lol#i have 2 advanced stem degrees and very low reading comprehension#i love to read. i just wish i could read#unrelated
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sry i also started thinking abt how great my life would be if i was trapped in a timeloop again. i meant again as in i thought abt it again not as in I was trapped in a timeloop and id love 4 it 2 happen again. never been in one unfortunately.
#id be so awesome in the timeloop dude. you guys dont get ittt id slay in the timeloop#id memorize every single thing that happens nad itd be awesome id write a book abt everything that happens even. and id be able to sleep so#much and therd be no consequences for anything (aside from. what. me being stuck in the timeloop longer? DONT MIND IF I DO!!!)#and like if itsba 24 hour timeloop. dude i can do anything in those 24 hours. i could go across the world PROBABLY#like i could just empty allll of my savings and book a same day no stops flight . and then id just like be somewhere else. ajd i wouldnt#even have to worry abt getting back bc timeloop my guy!!!#sighh .. yk. every day alreadh feels all the same due to depression so mayyybe everyday feeling the same due to timeloop wouldnt actually b#awesome but i think it would be avtually bc the reason every day feeling the same feels Bad is bc i know they shouldnt.ik theyre different#im justgoing through the motions every day and i hate it. if every day actually was the same ? dudeee i wouldnt be sad abt every day#feeling rhe same bc it straighr up would be. i wouldnt feel like im missing out on something... And idbe able to DO different things bc i#wouldnt have to worry like Omg what will happen tmrw if i do something reckless today.. omg i cant spend this money bc rent is due next#week. omg i cant go do thus activity bc i have 2 work today.. Brother nobody has to work in a timeloop!!!#and all id have to do is like. kill somebody every so often so the time god or whateber doesnt think ive learned my lesson. and itd suck to#kill someone yk id feel badd. ig rly i could just rob a bank and not have 2 kill someone#well yk. some ppl. i would murder. mainly bc i think itd be kiiinda funny. but i shant go into thay more#Dude i could literally learn every language and read every single bookkkkkk god i wanna be in a timeloop so bad id thrive in the timeloop
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I literally don't know what is wrong with my brain right now and it is starting to really bother me. As long as I am physically around people I'm fine. I'm talking with them, interacting with them, I'm great. The second I'm alone??? BAD. This has never happened to me before in my life.
#I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG#WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD#I am so full of anxiety for absolutely no reason#I was sooooo out of it last night and literally slept like actual shit#and am concerned it is going to be the same tonight#I feel insanely understimulated and nothing is fixing it#I don't think I'm lonely but maybe that's what it is???#I don't think I'm very stressed but that could cause it I guess#my apartment is decently clean so that's not it#I have done projects and read and played video games and done physical exercise#I have spent time with people in person quite a bit recently AND time with people over the phone#I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG AND I AM DISTRESSED#maybe its caffiene???? but I only had one coffee today at fucking like 10 am#that shouldn't be doing this to me and I don't think I've drank caffiene everyday for the past idk two weeks?#music isn't helping. the gym isn't helping. tv isn't helping. fanfic isn't helping.#I don't know what to do guys
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real
#this is so mind numbingly exhausting i don't understand how everyone else seems to just do it?#it was such a weird day#started out in a good mood but then boss scolded these two interns cause of a mistake#and like he wasn't shouting exactly but he raised his voice and said so many things like you are so careless im suffering so many losses bc#bc of you outsiders are going to think i don't have a good team and i don't have control over my team#and how we should always note things down because we're so distracted and not serious#and how before going home everyday we should report to him what work we did today#i understand that he's being reasonable (maybe? idk) but it sounded so eerily horribly like my dad i couldn't function properly for an hour#why are men so similar everywhere#why am i SO scared i could feel the disappointment radiating off him and he wasn't even mad at me and i felt like a failure#which is so embarrassing like girl stop you are a 20 year old adult woman you will not cry at your workplace because an angry man triggered#your dad issues#and upar se there was a new intern at work one year younger than me and oh my god he was so annoying#like i talked to him first bc i pitied him like what if he felt alone it was only his second day but boy literally could not stop talking😭#like ok it's kinda cool that this senior di she trusted me enough to be like you teach him this project report this when ive only been#here for 3 weeks but bhai😭 he's so annoying 😭 i have newfound respect for the di how does she handle all 7-8 of us interns i would go#crazy and shout at everyone and tell them to leave me alone 😭 but she's so patient and kind and answers dumb questions 100 times#but she's leaving this office permanently from next month bc of her ca final :( i mean very good for her she deserves better more money#better work hours better office etc. but :(( she's leaving :((#as you can see i have both dad issues and abandonment issues so fun lol
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