#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions

[simgerale]

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

[sevikasleftpussyflap]

Hi flap! Feel free to ignore this if this idea isn't all that interesting, you probably have a lot going on rn, sending you love. But anyway this is the ask: A love interest who can move Sevika? We know Sev has had it ground and beaten into her by Zaunite reality that people are fundamentally worthless and expendable, so let's say this person gets her to feel human again. Like truly move her on a deep level and make her feel like a person worth loving, somehow. Maybe it's a small glow of a feeling that she instinctively pushes away but it happens

A/N: It's been awhile, I'm rusty, and I hope I got this right!

Warnings: Short section of smut, Sevika being a fool in love

As one could easily guess, camaraderie amongst her fellow Zaunites evaded Sevika like the plague. Sure, there were a few she regularly swindled in various games of her liking. Some that offered a seldom amount of words that stretched across rounds, the easy silence euphoric after a long day. Those few had enough respect from Sevika to earn themselves a nod in their direction when she passed by, if she were feeling particularly jovial.

Sevika also had a few favorites at the brothel but it’s not like she went there for friendship. Anyone she met there she viewed as a tool, a stress relief to make her life just a tad easier, her work more efficient. No one to write home about, if there even was anyone to write to. Long before Sevika had dedicated her life to Zaun, the notion that she was worth anything had been beaten and choked out of her by enforcers and the mines they had her in when she was barely old enough to hold a pickaxe. 

So, no. No friends (the closest she could think of was- Janna -Silco, that’s how fucking far she was from friendship), no ‘lovers’ (unless you counted those she paid), and no desire for either. Just fucking enemies. Like Vander’s girl. 

That was before the new shit-for-brains recruit. 

Sevika hadn’t thought much of you. Easy on the eyes, but annoying as shit, proved by your incessant attempts to get buddy-buddy with her every damn day. She didn’t think you’d be this much of a pain, for sure.

You, however, were insufferable. Jinx was the one who hired you because of course you befriended that little monster. You could make friends with an axe murderer, which, admittedly, Sevika does classify as some kind of murderer. Not that she’d ever admit you managed to chip away at her cold exterior enough so that when she thought of friends she thought of you and she’s definitely not happy about it.

It’s the way you come to pester her everyday after shift. The way you refill her drink without her needing to ask when she’s in the middle of a round. The infuriating way you switch her over to water after her fourth cup, claiming her blood is more alcohol than water at this point, to which she implies she’ll be seeing what yours is made of if you don’t get her more whiskey. And see it she almost did, after you took a bullet for her at the docks. Sevika will never forget or understand the feeling of her heart collapsing until she verified you were wearing a vest.

She still fucking hates you, but you might just be the best friend she’s ever had. 

After that, Sevika deemed you worthy enough to break her no-fucking-coworkers rule- which she never even thought about doing before, seriously what were you doing to her-

A kiss was as far as Sevika went (because she has some class) and because your body needs to recover first (the only bruises she wants on it are from her).

The ice cubes clink at the bottom of her empty glass, breaking her out of one of her numerous attempts to think of a way you repulse her. Sevika much prefers that feeling to this new, unpleasant one. 

A slight limping gait catches her attention from halfway across the room, headed towards the poker table where she is currently situated. The frustrated groan that leaves her mouth is paired with the slamming of her cards on the table, alerting the now-cautious group of players that their game is now over. You were supposed to be resting- is that a skirt?

A few of the guys glance curiously at the brief half-smile that sneaks its way across Sevika’s face. Contrary to popular belief, they’re intelligent enough to know it has nothing to do with the stack of coins nearly toppled in front of her. 

Sevika catches herself and knows a glare will just prove she has something to hide, so she tries bluffing that her shitty hand is the cause of her joy.

“Another winning hand. Thought I’d save you the tears.”

It’s surely not you, who’s headed her way in some cute little getup. 

And then there’s that. You had started dressing up for her. She can only assume, because you started doing it a week ago- ever since that kiss- and only hung around her before heading home for the night. 

“Hi.” Your warmth reaches her from both your tone and body with how close you’re standing next to her chair. 

“Why are you out of bed?” Sevika, feigning composure, gives you the same no-nonsense tone you always ignore.

“Just came to see how bad you were losing.”

Sevika pointedly sweeps her gaze across the array of gold and silver and uses an embarrassing amount of effort to keep her tone gruff.

“Yeah, don’t know how I’m recovering from this one. Why are you out of bed?”

“Missed you.”

Fuck.

Sevika gracefully jolts to her feet, muttering a ‘see ya, boys’ like some kind of whipped dog, and guides you to the nearest private room. It just so happens to be the bathroom. Romantic. Not that she hasn’t ate someone out on this very sink, but this is you and it feels wrong and like it’s not enough and neither is she-

As soon as the door is locked, her lips are on yours in a kiss so gentle it’s painful. The whine you give when she pulls away is just as agonizing.

“You drive me fucking crazy, you know that? You were shot, busted ribs, could’ve punctured a lung-”

“It’s not that bad.” 

Sevika’s almost grateful for the anger that resurfaces and allows her to get a reign on her emotions. The unsavory ones, at least. 

“Not bad? You were shot. With a bullet-” 

Your lips quirk in an effort to stifle some smart ass remark that’ll have Sevika putting her fist through a wall. You’re not disciplined enough to conceal an eyeroll.

“I was wearing a vest.”

“Doesn’t fucking help.” A cracked tooth throbbed in protest as Sevika’s jaw clenched, the nonchalance of your almost-death leaving a pain in her heart she was unfamiliar with. It kept her steady, prevented her from falling back into the blood-red rage she found herself in when you were lying on the ground, so she kept applying pressure until the searing pain cleared her vision. 

“Helped a lot, actually.”

Something splintered. Sevika did wince this time. Your eyes flash with worry and that was somehow more painful.

“Hey, what happened?” Your fingers brush against the light bruise on her jaw. After you were hit, you woke up in Singed’s hellish medical room with a drained-looking Sevika by your side. That had been where you two shared your first kiss which is about the only good memory you have in that room. 

“Someone had to finish the job while you were sitting on your ass.”

Sevika’s hand comes to wrap around your wrist, circumferencing the soft skin with little hassle. Her thumb rubs soothing lines over your veins and the same pulse she had to check with shaking hands. 

“Sooo, these guys. I’m assuming they’re… past tense?”

Her glare doesn’t change, yet you somehow, infuriatingly, pick up on the question in her eyes.

“Yknow, the ones who shot me. You… evicted them from this realm? You-“ 

“I fucking killed them.” Sevika says slowly, though her anger hardens the words.

“Oh. Cool.”

“You have two choices,” Sevika digressed, finally reaching her limit of your avoidance of her command. “You can either go to bed yourself, or I can bend you over and make sure you can’t leave that bed.”

…

Sevika noses her way between your breasts, lips peppering small kisses on her trail until she gets to the nasty purple bruising on your abdomen. Her eyebrows furrow for just a moment before she continues her wordless apologies, her reverence, her gratitude against your skin. The elastic of your panties comes into reach, which Sevika pulls back to lightly slap against your hip with a half-grin. 

“Ow, you fucker-”

“Oh, so now you know what pain is?”

Your head goes back hard against the fluffy pillows with a dramatic huff, looking truly affronted by the teasing. Sevika’s lips purse, taking in the expression she finally sees on your face instead of her own. 

“Need me to kiss it better?” 

The way your head snaps upwards, eyebrows raised in interest, has Sevika chuckling against your thigh.

“Well, I mean, if you’re offering-”

The fabric tears as easily as paper in Sevika’s scarred hands, the destruction only a fraction of what she could truly cause, before they go back to cradling your thighs as if you were a delicacy. 

“Okay, yeah, you’re definitely buying me another pair because- ohmygod.”

Her tongue parted your folds like the petals of a flower, your thighs going lax enough for her to spread them more and settle inbetween. The reverberations of a pleased hum have you canting your hips towards her mouth, her nose, anything of hers you can feel against you before the remaining elastic around your hips is once again snapped against your skin.

“Sev, I swear.”

“Stop moving, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“You hurt me.”

That tongue begins lazily working between your legs. Your body sinks into the pillows as easily as butter, any past transgressions well and truly forgotten. As if it were possible to hold a grudge with two fingers working their way into you, tongue delving deliciously over your swollen clit, Sevika takes a moment to press a kiss to your center.

“Sorry, baby.”

…

“It was the mini skirt, wasn’t it?”

“I trusted you with my one weakness.” Smoke spilled from her lips, though her dry tone was from a pleasant kind of exhaustion. “And you exploited it.”

“You caught me.” The luminous blue of Sevika’s scars disappear under your tracing finger until they find her cheek. A much larger hand cups yours and holds it to her face, preventing its escape. 

You’re much more preoccupied with the serene smile adorning her lips, the rarity rendering you stupid enough to comment on it.

“Your smile is so fucking pretty.”

Just like that, it falls faster than your heart plummeting in your chest. She doesn’t seem pissed, you hope, but concentrated like she’s processing some valuable intel. That thumb of hers is running over your veins again.

“Don’t get used to it.”

“But why?” You whine, horribly exaggerated, to see her roll her eyes and scoff. You swear you hear a barely audible ‘brat’ muttered underneath your pouting. While you’re being honest, you add, “It’s now one of my favorite expressions of yours.”

“Doesn’t that make it more special? The rarity?” Sevika tries in what you assume is an attempt at placating you.

“True. But I could never tire of seeing it, Sev.” You never would have thought this balls-to-the-wall method of being vulnerable and sharing emotions would have gotten you this far, but she hasn’t kicked you out yet. 

That notch appears between her brows in reminisce of her usual disgruntled expression and you startle her when you huff out a laugh. “Or that one.”

[lurkingshan]

Gay OK Bangkok

Well, holy shit. I had been planning to watch this ahead of Only Friends because @shortpplfedup named it as one of the Jojo shows that would serve as a good primer for the types of themes we could expect. I didn’t know much about it except it was an Aof/Jojo collab and had openly queer cast members. I expected something like a short Thai Queer as Folk. 

And it kind of is like QaF, in the sense that it’s very much a show about a group of queer friends and their romantic (mis)adventures that features frank discussion of gay sex and sexual health practices, but it’s not really like it at all in terms of its tone. Where QaF is known for its explicit sex, trippy drug sequences, and heavy doses of camp, GOBK is much less smutty and has a thread of deep melancholy running through it (oh hi Aof), and it is primarily interested in doing some serious character work alongside delivering its messages about safe sex. And these characters got their hooks in me much more than I expected.  

I think what I appreciate most about this show is how real the characters feel. They’re wonderfully flawed, fully realized human beings—beautiful and ugly in equal measure, wrong as often as they’re right, and just doing their best to balance their needs and desires with how they want to show up for the people they love. Even the characters I didn’t like much, I still understood and felt some empathy for, and I think that’s a credit to the compassion and care with which this series is written (not a surprise given Aof and Jojo are the ones who wrote it). Everyone gets the benefit of nuance and grace, including the side characters. And to be clear, I wouldn’t consider this a bl. I’d call it a queer slice of life drama that includes romance, but is not about romance—there is no primary romantic relationship that acts as the plot driver and it’s not at all interested in happily ever afters or even firm endings for its relationships.

My only real complaint about this show is I wanted (a lot) more of it. But still, for a show that only had eight hours total runtime over two seasons, it managed to do a lot with it. I am going to avoid getting into spoilers because as usual, I want y’all to watch this! But I really loved seeing a few years in the life of Arm, Pom, Aof, Big, Sathang, and their various friends, family, and lovers. And, crucially, it’s all so very queer. There is so much to unpack here about the nature of loneliness and desire and the guilt and shame that often comes along with them. The show is interested in exploring lots of ways to be in love and in relationship with each other, and it lets the characters fight, fuck up, break up, make up, and express their own confusion and discomfort and dissonance along the way. The only thing it’s interested in being preachy about are safe sex practices; everything else is presented in shades of gray. And it doesn’t limit itself to romance; we see the characters at work and with their families and out living their daily lives in a society that is often actively hostile to them. This show sits squarely at the center of @wen-kexing-apologist’s by/for/about Venn diagram (can’t wait for you to watch this, friend).

I highly recommend this show to anyone who plans to watch Only Friends (which, by my count, is just about everyone I know on here)—homework is of course not required before enjoying a new drama, but I do think familiarity with this work will enhance your experience, and it’s such a quick watch! If you’re interested, the show is available on YouTube here and here. It also has a great and surprising soundtrack which has also been compiled into two playlists. 

Tagging friends @neuroticbookworm, @waitmyturtles, @chickenstrangers, and @lurkingteapot who are all in the midst of their own watches or planning to start soon, and @bengiyo, @so-much-yet-to-learn, and @imminentinertia who saw this awhile back and shared some interesting reflections about it during my watch. 

[strooples]

Some reviews on a handful of popular anime

This won’t be too in-depth, so basically a thoughts dump. But thinking about it, in terms of more popular anime + anime movies, I felt a bit let down seeing a few awhile back. My memories on each will vary in range, though it’s worth a shot to get down the mental notes I took.

In terms of anime, I wanted to talk about parts of “Komi Can’t Communicate” (which I was told beforehand was a story exploring a character with social anxiety) and “Horimiya”. Both did some funny things, both had new/refreshing takes. But likewise, both stories had other issues that made it a bit hard to generally enjoy. So, I’ll start with those 2.

1) Komi Can’t Communicate

In “Komi Can’t Communicate,” I felt kinda bugged how the MC was treated while Komi sort of rebounds on the impossibly-pretty-therefore-everyone-is-obsessed-with-her situation. Some of the classmates start off cold to Tadano (the MC) and very generously nice to Komi on very superficial standards. I guess I expected social anxiety to generally be explored in its alienating aspect over reverence. Though you could say that many of the classmates initially didn’t see Komi as an equal human being genuinely. The random instances of meanness towards the MC and superficial treatment towards Komi threw me off heavily because not being able to communicate to anyone and struggling to fit into a new, very judgmental schooling environment are some serious issues.

Komi and Tadano, the 2 main characters.

It was still pretty hard to see people so angry at the main character for existing, even some of the later friends of Komi. My SO who enjoyed the show more than me did tell me of Komi’s group of friends, only 1 has gone extremely far (like, beyond the brink of acceptable comedy) and even they have seen repercussions for harmful actions. But it feels weird to have things bounce back so lightly bc the ML ended up being the butt of jokes. At the same time, it’s hard to deny how the concept of a socially-phobic girl who struggles to talk and speak to those around her — yet being idolized by those same people as almost a status symbol over a human being — was still interesting overall. Also just the desire to make genuine friends, despite struggling with your anxieties around others.

Minus the yandere girl who takes things too far, there’s genuinely nice moments — Komi opening up, Komi’s wholesome family (+ etc.). And some genuinely funny characters/situations, like the blond guy (I forgot there names; it’s been awhile) who looks scary on the outside but is also nervous inwardly. Overall, it wasn’t my cup of tea even though it wasn’t bad??

2) Horimiya

*Okay, so technically I didn’t start with the anime. I read the manga but I admittedly do really like the author’s art style!

“Horimiya” also starts with a concept that could’ve been elaborated on and lead to interesting scenarios — mainly the 2 MC’s living somewhat of a different life outside of school than their schoolmates would expect. In that category, it’s sort of like a more recent rendition of a “Switch Girl”-esque romcom story. It starts with a refreshing confession that happens basically the beginning. No mishaps or drawn out tensions & dramas beforehand (which could be done well too in other stories but also super super common). However, after that the original concept of a double life gets thrown away and the story gets super super slice-of-lifey. Which isn’t bad in general (a lot of times the humor was fun). Though TBH it generally felt directionless after, and not in a relaxing way I expected from SOL but sorta just… hard to continue? I got a bit bored and struggled to keep reading.

I also had issues with some of the gags (like the girl-beating-up-the guy/basically-abusing-him-played-off-as-a-joke trope) and the relationship norms (just in general how jealousy and possessiveness seemed normalized/expected). The violence was a bit… much? The LGBT jokes like on same-sex relationships was too much also. And it was generally a bit buggy to see Miyamura constantly get physically punished by Hori for situations he didn’t understand/couldn’t have, or situations he was even right in.

The main focus/relationship was what stagnated the work. And already, it was unfortunately the relationship we were supposed to pay attention to most wasn’t ideal for Miyamura, had little chemistry (my subjective opinion here though), and sorta just dredged out. I’d much prefer a lot of the duller moments to be exchanged for other things. Some of my suggestions being on how they could’ve elaborated on characters like Shu’s sister, Sakura, Yanagi etc.

But I do feel one of the best strongpoints of the story was when Hori and Miyamura were at the Hori’s residence. The scenes were comforting and happy, seeing how the entire family and Miyamura spent time together and had dinners. I also ended up rooting for Sakura because of how grounded and down-to-earth she was. So the SOL moments in this wasn’t too bad of a thing, and there were decent aspects and a few likeable characters. It just wasn’t enough to make it great in particular.

Now, in terms of movies…..

…it’s got to be 2 that I watched awhile ago. A handful of things left me leaning towards feeling indifferent at the end of the day, and those were “A Silent Voice” and “Your Name.” Both had massive debates in online circles over which was the best anime movie of the year, but both fell a bit flat for me personally despite all the build-up. For “A Silent Voice” though, I do think the discussions it generated were pretty important because it resonated with a lot of people’s personal experiences (so it isn’t something I mean to discount & the themes it touched upon made it a bit more interesting).

3) A Silent Voice

I think “A Silent Voice” had a lot more that could be said of it, both good + unhelpful towards its prime topic of bullying. IMO, it’s interesting to have the main character be a former perpetrator-turned victim. I think we’re able to see a lot of nuance, namely how even the formerly-unsympathetic side can feel remorse, can grow up with low self-esteem, can even be a victim themselves. We see the situation flip, people change, and people with the capacity to want to be better. And we also see how fast a society/group of people are, in terms of ignoring the main problem to ostracize a scapegoat — while trying to shirk facing consequences or guilt of their own. It’s especially interesting & heart-wrenching that we go to see the life-long trauma inflicted to both Shoya and Shouko. All the while their other perpetrators are ignored (like Kazuki, who bullied both). We also see terrible people being terrible in different ways, from the more visibly terrible Ueno to the self-victimizing Kawai who will put on an innocent face — even tears — all while pretending she has no idea of horrible things she enabled/even partook in.

But where it goes very, very wrong is structuring it out to be a love story of a victim with her former bully. Though I liked the concept of the former bully try to make amends — genuinely feeling guilt and wanting to do better — writing it in that direction had very Stockholm Syndromey-vibes. They could’ve eventually become friends; they didn’t need to develop romantically and the situation honestly didn’t requisite such a relationship. You could argue that people do get Stockholm Syndrome and start feeling that way when given decent treatment by those who’ve formerly hurt them, but then it would’ve been written a bit differently. Like not really emphasizing romantic feelings, but rather a mix of situations and confusing problems, where a crush wasn’t centric to the themes presented.

The aforementioned friend group, strung together by the end of the movie. I think there was a few more but I don’t remember quite clearly?

The ending especially was very uncomfortable where Kawai was presented as a good person trying to pep-talk Shouko and all the main characters are in a now-formed friend group, sort of just mashing together. Ueno’s issues and callousness towards Shouko were never resolved, yet they were in there together. It was presented as a happy ending, but I think a lot of the characters fundamentally had issues (like did Shoya honestly feel good around all these people??? Did Kawai basically BS to look/feel like a good person while never owning up?? Is Shouko going to be re-traumatized around a horrible person like Ueno??).

All of the above combined made me leave the movie with general discomfort. Though at the time, I couldn’t put into words what was wrong? It took awhile for me to think the situation wasn’t that great for Shoya and Shouko, still.

Onto our last review dumping!

4) Your Name

“Your Name” is the last anime franchise I wanted to talk about, and I don’t deny the animation and art were pretty amazing! Like you could see the gruesome and tedious effort put into every little scene.

Seriously though, the picturesque backgrounds are where most Makoto Shinkai works shine! Though I didn’t love this movie as much as others did, it does really make me curious of his past & future works.

But as a story? I don’t think it had much depth. Which doesn’t mean it wasn’t enjoyable, because it was still fun watching. It was just lackluster for a movie that wanted to build up the emotional aspects.

Of course, it has some good build-up and somewhat of an atmosphere for the deeper emotions in the world. There was also an underlying thread about traditions vs. the modern world, what is lost vs. what we must preserve. Personally, those messages don’t resonate with me but they are things can could be worked with and built up pretty well. We see it in how Mitsuha wants to move away from her slow, mostly-rural hometown to pursue a life in the more bustling, modern city of Tokyo. Her background? Living with her primary caretaker — her grandma, the main female figure of Mitsuha’s life. Her grandma wants her to partake in the spiritual traditions of their Shinto shrine, from shrine maiden rituals to watching the grandma sew on an old loom that’s now nothing more but a loss art. And then we get the strained family relationships: How her dad abandoned his duties to the shrine for a career in politics after their mother died, while Mitsuha (now older) generally resents/dislikes his presence as an uptight bureaucrat vying for his image. Deep down, she doesn’t feel either of their lifestyles are ideal. But like her father, wants to shed aside traditions for something more modern (such as a big city life). We end up with that dichotomy, which is a strong basis to begin with.

The Shinto shrine maiden ceremony.

So with all of that, we generally expect to have insight into the family life and background of Taki (the ML). But instead, besides his school friends and work crush, we don’t even hear or see much of his dad. His home life is left an absolute blank sheet, with his character staying incomplete. He’s a blank slate with nothing but a spot for the viewers to project themselves into. He has a job. He has an oddly specific hobby of drawing detailed pictures of lots of landscapes and structures. That second one is especially interesting — like wtf, he can draw complex structures by memory?? Yet it doesn’t get elaborated upon at all. Nothing does.

So the love story follows. There’s a lot of emotional scenes, body switches, disastrous current events, memories forgotten at the end of the day before they all meet up again. But nothing quite tied me to the ML nor even Mitsuha. I did feel invested in them meeting each other. Yet as people, I wasn’t quite invested in Taki nor fond of either. Which for a love story, is bad because you’d hope to see the other half being built up with solid background and characterizations. Leaving his life stories empty felt like it meant he was someone we could project ourselves into (and perhaps that was the purpose as is in many romance genre stories?) but it made it a lot weaker and less elaborated. Being a core, fundamental detail and all.

On my end conclusions:

I really thought each of these stories had more potential. Either to be in-depth, nuanced, interesting, or better-structured (and/or needing a few character reforms). Also, I fully see why someone would enjoy a large chunk of them or feel inspired by them. Sadly, each fell flat for me.

Though of the 4, I often think of “A Silent Voice” because regardless of its flaws, such a work is important at beginning a lot of discussions — such as the hardcore school bullying in Japan or bullying in general. And for “You Name,” it really introduced me to Makoto Shinkai works and a few of his other movies, so I don’t deny the talent behind his skills and creativity in a lot of instances. It was mainly those that stuck with me?

At the end of the day, I hope I elaborated my thoughts on what I found good in each and what made me not feel as invested in them! And of course, if you felt other things were done better or ended up liking them more, that’s valid too and up for discussion!!

[keefwho]

June 05 - 2023 Monday

9:22 AM

I feel so out of touch with everything I’ve done and everything that I am. With friends over time I start to live up to what I think our relationship is/should be instead of what it actually is. I slowly forget everything we’ve done to get to this point, but I do this with everything. I have a nasty habit of forming conclusions and then forgetting about the relevant information, all in an effort to make things simpler or easy to understand. The problem comes when these conclusions turn out wrong or become outdated. It just feels so hard to always keep so much data in mind at all times. I must be doing something wrong. I wish so deeply that I could figure out how to get better. I want some clear actions I can take. 

7:30 PM

I’ve felt so empty. I fear if I cannot figure myself out soon then I’ll be lost for good. That’s probably not the case but it sure feels like it. 

I’m so afraid of becoming someone that pushes away his friends and can’t pursue anything that makes him happy. I desire human connection but I either have to learn to accept myself first or develop the trust that allows me to believe other people want me. I know I’m afraid of growing anything because of the ability to fall. If you don’t build up then you can’t plummet, that’s unintentionally been the way I look at things. I want to be brave and build strong bonds. I want to grow my business, and my skills. I want to raise myself up without being afraid of falling. For me that takes a lot of bravery and the mindfulness to catch when I’m sabotaging myself. 

10:50 PM

This morning I made eggs and cup noodle stir fry with onions and a sausage link. I think this contributed to tummy problems tonight because that nor lunch had much fiber. This morning’s stream went well and is the last morning stream Daisy will attend for awhile which makes me sad. I sketched some otters and started my buddy Goodtimes’ commission which went well. After stream I successfully did my workout and I feel good about that. In order for it not to be a problem later, I took care of myself in the shower. I simply don’t want to put up with sexual urges lately, they’ve been stressing me out more than anything. Largely because I feel that they are unwelcome, but thats a result of my plummeting self confidence. Lunch was a pack of ramen and some fish sticks in an effort to eat things from my freezer first and my workout left me with a craving for calories that ramen always fulfills. During my afternoon work I hung out with David again. He apologized for being busy lately because he wants to deepen our newly found friendship which I thought was nice. I liked how straightforward he was, I can tell he has good communication skills. My problem today was forcing myself to hang out and chat didn’t really help how I felt. It was very hard to take true interest in the conversation or feel like I was actually welcome in the VC. Again, all my fault right now. I did all my work and left the call so I could do yoga in VRchat. The channel I watch, YogawithAdriene, finally released a new video. Conveniently it was for days where you feel down and need to remind yourself that you are cherished and loved. It didn’t really have that effect on me though. I mostly used the semi-alone time to sulk as I pushed through the different poses, as hard as I was trying to lighten up. Afterwards I layed in VR for a little bit and watched the clouds. After that I got off to play some Zelda and watch Twitch until Daisy messaged and we played together. We just pulled the Master Sword out of Zelda’s brain and started the next quest to look for the lost sage. Now she is asleep and I am going to bed an hour early because of a new schedule change so I can wake up earlier like I’ve always wanted to.

[filwld]

The kindest of sounds.

Please listen to this while reading:ON REPEAT

https://open.spotify.com/track/3Dgmyz32dxvtxvUTPS0CUI?si=cr2Bf3ouQ_KqinBREqullQ

Warnings: fluff. Kissing.. ig? Oh and some NSFW (;

—-

Here you are, staring at the damn piano again. The desire to play again always sits in the back of your head, itching for you to go and press the key just to hear the sound.

But, you never dared. Not wanting to maybe ruin it, but right now it seemed almost unbearable.

Growing up you had loved to play, you played everyday to express how you felt on the inside. Every key was another note freeing from your heart.

That all changed when your father decided to sell you to Lady Dimitrescu for coin. You were terrified when you first arrived, you were simply a women meant to be turned into wine. Then the lady herself changed her mind, making you a maid with the excuse of “we need more maids, now that I recall.”

At that time you believe her. You had to, what other choice DID you have. But looking back now you knew it was a lie, still a mystery as to why she changed her mind.

But after a year, you begin noticing a shadow always being near you whenever you cleaned. To large to be you, and to big to be another maid. You noticed, the scent of perfume in the air always. Sometimes stronger than most but still, it was always there. Always.

Then you noticed that Lady Dimitrescu would tell the head maid to assign you to clean rooms that were near wherever she was. If she was in the library you were in that hallway cleaning, if she was in the dining room you were cleaning that dining room.

Not noticing the way she would stare at you with curiosity but of course she kept a cold look on her face. Never showing any emotion.

She was the mistress of the house, she could not show such “weakness” especially around her staff.

She would sometimes ask you what else you have to do, or point out something you missed to clean.

Simple. Professional, always. Never did her voice or eyes give the idea of her interest in you. But the more time went by those questions would turn into “how are you today.” Or “If you’re tired you may take a break.”

Sometimes she would smile, while sipping her wine. Soon it became a routine, you would clean and she would watch and do whatever she was doing.

That went on for three or so months, Until the head maid called you to dining room that day and told you that you were from now on assigned as Lady Dimitrescu personal handmaiden.

You were scared of messing up, but.. you were more scared to disappoint your mistress. Oddly enough,

You two seemed to move well with eachother. She would wake up and you would walk in with her daily coffee (which of course had blood in it) with fresh clothes set out for her before exiting the room. Waiting outside,

Then she would walk out and head towards the library where she tends to do paperwork for most hours of the day. Depends on what day it is.

You would stand a few feet behind her and watch, the way her fingers would glide across the paper before dipping her quill in ink with the most perfect handwriting you’ve ever seen.

Afterwords she would head down to the dining room where you would of course set the table, supply the meals for her and her daughters (sometimes) and wait to refill her cup.

Then she would retire to her room to sleep, and this went on for awhile. Never did she say anything or of course give anything away.

You noticed though that when you handed her something her hand would touch yours much to long for it to be a accident.

Or the occasional “Thank you.”

Sometimes if she was in a good mood, she would smile and say “thank you darling.” It scared you how it sped up your heart , butterflies going off in your stomach.

It was just a simple nickname, darling. So innocent yet so intimate. The more you served her the more she trusted you. The more she trusted you , the more she showed you.

After months of this back and forth game it seemed. Her being kind to you, then cold.

You doing your job while feeling her stare, or her working and you staring at her.

It was like you two were dancing but not together, but around eachother.

Seeing who gives in first, with her getting more comfortable with you she talked to you more,

“Sit and have a drink with me.”

“How did you sleep?”

But your favorite was.

“You should smile more around me, I’m not going to hurt you dearest. I do find your smile the utmost comforting.”

You swear she heard the way your heart would race whenever she said that, because her smile would turn into a mischievous smirk. Just slightly.

Soon that smile appeared almost every time she made eye contact with you , soon those “accidental” hand brushes were now on purpose. Her staring down at you whenever you were infront of her smiling.

Sometimes she would put her hand on top of you head and pet you. As if rewarding you, and god did you love it.

And then.. everything changed, the way you stared at her changed. The way you thought her changed.. you realize that you had grown feelings over the time with her.

You tried hiding it, you had to! You didn’t know how your lady would react. She would surely send you back to be a random maid.

And.. you couldn’t bear it. So you tried hiding your blush whenever she looked your way, or the way your body shivered in delight whenever she touched you.

You hoped your theory that she could hear you heart beat was just a theory, because you couldn’t hide the way your heart skipped a beat or sped up around her.

You hoped she wouldn’t notice the change, the way you would shy away from her touch.

Yet. This is Lady Dimitrescu, the most observant women you’ve ever met.

She knew. But you didn’t know that part. Yet.

Walking into your ladies bedroom you were shocked to see her already out of bed and sitting at her desk staring out the window. The sun hitting her face , showing every wrinkle, every pore. Fully exposing her but.. she was gorgeous, you couldn’t even take your eyes off her. She was.. breath-taking. While staring at her you didn’t notice she had turned her head at the sound of her door opening and was staring back at you.

Embarrassed to have been caught you duck your head trying to hide the blush that was on your cheeks.

You heard her get up off her chair, heels clicking off the ground. You hear her come closer and closer to you, feeling hand grabbing your chin and lift you up , there she was. Your lady bent down to make direct eye contact with you, her face was so so close! You could feel her breath on your lips. Her eyes staring so deeply into yours, the golden glow was beautiful. Her hat resting on her head making a shadow , seemingly intimidating but not to you of course.

you just found it attractive, as you did with almost everything about her.

She stares at you , smiling.

“Darling... why do you hide this face from me. You know I dislike you hiding from me.” Lady Dimitrescu spoke softly to you, but her tone still stern.

You stare up at her opening and closing your mouth not knowing what to say.. what do you say?

“I’m sorry m’lady it won’t happen again..” you whisper out , to nervous to even move.

Her hand on your chin moved to your cheek rubbing a thumb up and down. You try so hard not to lean into it, and it seemed as though she noticed.

Of course she did.

chuckling , her thumb went towards your lip. Grazing it, her eyes leaving yours to stare at your lips.

“You think I don’t notice the way you look at me ?” Lady Dimitrescu said to you, at that moment you felt your heart stop. Scared, nervous, worried. Everything in your head told you to run for it, but the grip on your chin tightened and a hand was soon wrapping around your waist, not a second later you were lifted up now at eye level with the woman.

Letting out a loud gasp you wrap your arms around her neck in fear of falling.

Staring deep into her eyes , yet again she speaks.

“I noticed the way you looked at me so long ago, but.. I’m the utmost surprised you didn’t notice the way I looked at you.” She continued , shocked at what you just heard. No way.. your lady felt the same.. not a second later everything clicked, the shadow, the perfume. The smiles, the hand touches. Everything.

Alcina chuckles at the shocked look you held.

After a moment you respond , “my lady..?” Still not quite believing your ears.

Alcina sighs before pulling you close you squeak like a mouse at the closeness.

“Must I just show you?” Alcina said, before taking you by the back of your head and kissing you.

Gasping you kiss her back, running your fingers through her hair.

“Alcina..” you whispered out when you backed from a kiss, first time ever saying her name her eyes widen before looking at you fondly continuing the kiss. Backing you up into a wall and you two just stay there, kissing feeling eachother, exploring.

Alcina backs away, staring at you before chuckling taking you away from the wall and you turn to see where she’s taking you and blush wildly.

Alcina was walking you to her bed, laying you down on it she straddled you being very careful about her size leaning down to kiss you again.

Alcina kisses your lips to your cheeks to your right ear,

“Let me show you how I feel about you..”

Then again.. everything changed, but this time. For the better.

That was about 7 months ago. Your relationship was rocky at first, because of the fact she didn’t know how to be compassionate with a human. But she tried, and that’s all you could ask for.

You told her a lot about yourself. But never about the piano, you look around to make sure no one was near before almost sprinting to the piano.

Sitting down you felt a familiar feeling. As if you were right back at home, away from your father, away from the responsibilities of your drunken father.

You felt peaceful. More than you usually do, like the piano was calling you for awhile. To return home.

With a slightly shaky hand you touch the keys..

You began playing the same song you always did,

The song starts here <—-

Fingers go against the keys fast, like you never took a break. You closed your eyes and just enjoyed the sound, the sound that made you feel so free,

You thought of everything that’s ever made you happy,

Your favorite meal, your favorite animal,

Alcina. The love of your life the women who forced her way into your heart without even trying.

You begin to feel the meaning of the song shift in your heart, and you began playing it as if she was right infront of you.

Eyes still closed you just listened and played letting your heart play the piano.

Alcina had been sitting in the library for about an hour waiting.

Waiting for her lover to walk through that door so she can pick you up and put you on her lap, as she always does.

But you weren’t showing up , annoyed she gets up out of her chair and walks out the door after bending down.

Walking down the halls of her home she hears the piano from the ball room playing, something she hasn’t ever heard be played. Just simply being there for decorating or because she felt like learning. She didn’t remember,

Walking towards the ball room she opened the door quietly as she could to take a peek of who was playing this beautiful melody.

To her wildest surprise it was you.

Alcina eyes widen as she stares at you, your eyes are closed like nothing else existed but the smile you had made Alcina smile herself, she feels herself fall for her little pet more and more everyday.

Walking over to you quietly she stood behind you, staring down at you as you play.

And just watched. You never noticed her and just kept playing, Alcina wanted so badly to run her fingers through your hair and kiss you. Rather she decided to watch this play out.

Soon the song came to an end. You sigh happily and lean back but feel a body right behind you jumping you turn around and go pale when you see Alcina staring down at you fondly, you had to look up so high that it hurt your neck because of her height.

You begin to stutter in fear you had upset her

“I’m so sorry my love I didn’t mean to-“ you were trying to say but she cut you off by placing her lips to your own after bending down.

Leaving the kiss a little to soon for your comfort,

Alcina chuckled moving a strand of hair behind your ear before taking a seat next to you turning her neck to look at you.

“My little dove.. why have you never told me that you played?” Alcina asked you, you blushed.

“I never thought it was important.” You replied to Alcina

She arches an eyebrow , leaning close to you almost a breath away from your lips staring deeply into your eyes

“Everything about you is important and I want to know all of you my dear. You simply shouldn’t hide such things from me, am I clear dove?” Alcina spoke out

You look at her fondly before cupping her cheek and kissing her, even sitting she was a lot taller than you. So she had to lean down of course.

She groans as your lips hit hers and Alcina quickly takes control of the kiss lifting you up and onto her lap where she likes you.

You wrap your arm around her neck pulling her closer,

“I won’t hide anymore from you my love, I swear it.”

You tell Alcina through the kiss,

Alcina pulls away to smile at you, before I quickly turned into a smirk that told you what was about to happen.

“Good, as it should be. But now let me show you how I play..” Alcina whispers into your ear, and grabs your hips with gentleness but roughness to let you know that she was very in the mood and you weren’t leaving that ballroom for awhile.

And well.. let’s say that piano isn’t going to have the same memory as before.

[melwilson]

neighbors | b.b

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

rating: fluff, kinda angsty tho

a/n: this gif was made by the wonderful @buckysbarnes thank you for allowing me to use your work, luv.

Not that you’ve been counting, but it’s been exactly four weeks and two days since you’ve seen your handsome neighbor. Four weeks and two days where the sun didn’t seem to shine as bright and the roses on your kitchen table didn’t smell as good.

Bucky Barnes had simply disappeared without a word as to where he was going. You didn’t think much of it at first. It wasn’t uncommon for Bucky to hibernate in his apartment for a few days at a time, but then those few days turned into a week. And so, with the key he had given you, you unlocked the door to his apartment to find it empty. A small layer of dust had settled on the kitchen counter and the blankets that usually inhabited the floor were folded and left neatly on the couch. You assumed that Bucky wouldn’t be gone for too long, considering he was a homebody, but boy were you wrong.

He hadn’t answered a single phone call or text and after two weeks, you just stopped trying. Some would say you were worried, but you opted for anxious and confused. You weren’t Bucky’s babysitter, but you were his friend and you cared for him. You knew who Bucky was and what he did for a living from the moment you laid eyes on him. So naturally, you just wanted to make sure he was okay.

And that leads to now.

Your fingers hovered over the keyboard of your laptop. You had...something due. Something important. Something for work.

A report.

You had a report due at the end of the day, but your mind was focused on something else. Someone else. You let out a frustrated groan, shutting the laptop closed.

He’s probably in Europe with Sam.

I don’t blame him. Europe is so much cooler than New York.

He couldn’t have invited me though?

The thought of Bucky had completely and utterly consumed you. Maybe it was those eyes that were bluer than the Mediterranean or the warmth he brought to the small apartment. Or it could have been that for once you had an actual friend. Someone who listened and made you feel wanted. Bucky Barnes was all you wanted and all you needed. But he was gone and apparently, had no intent on returning to New York soon.

You’re pathetic, Y/n. Get it together.

You rolled your shoulders back before deciding that a trip to the market would help ease your mind. And you were right. It was a beautiful and unusually warm day in downtown Brooklyn. You shuffled through the mass of people; men, women, and children who desired to enjoy the weather. The brief sound of laughing children filled your ears causing a small smile to turn your cheeks. You had always wanted a few of your own- a couple of boys and a little girl. Your family was extremely close. You were the oldest of four. Family was something you valued more than anything.

“I didn’t know you liked plums, Y/n.”

You glanced up at Douglas Simmons or Doug as he told many to call him. He had been running the produce stand since you were a kid. He knew what you came for before you got their each weekend and would always have it ready for you. “I- yeah,” you paused. “It’s new. A friend urged me to try them. They’re actually more for him than for me.”

“Him?” the fair man asked, eyebrows perking up.

You rolled your eyes, a small laugh covering up the heat crawling up your neck. “Yes. Him. Why? You worried about someone stealing me away?”

He scoffed grabbing the package of fresh strawberries for you. “I was actually hoping so. It’s about time you find someone and settle down.”

“I’m twenty-five, Doug. I’ve got time. Plus, he’s...we’re complicated.”

The older man handed you your bag with a small smile. “Complicated or running from each other?”

You sucked in a sharp breath, the cracked concrete beneath you, seemingly more interesting. He had always been too wise for his own good. Doug was someone you confided in a lot during your teenage years. He was easy to talk to and a great listener. He also had an uncanny ability to tell you what you needed to hear when you needed to hear it. “I’ll see you next weekend, Doug. Thanks for this.”

“Anytime, Y/n.” There was a hint of pity laced in his warm, brown eyes and you hated it. You hated how people looked at you when you talked about finding someone else. The way they would all say they were proud of you and how far you’d come since the accident.

Swallowing thickly, your eyes landed on the flower stand a few feet away. A bouquet of blue, white, and purple hydrangeas caused a smile to tug at your cheeks. He used to buy you hydrangeas. A fresh bouquet in front of your apartment door each month. You hadn’t worked up enough courage to buy anymore. Passing them, you waved to the owner of the stand before making your way back home. Doug’s words rang heavy in your mind. Complicated or running from each other. It would be three years to date in a week. Maybe it was time.

Bucky was nervous. He hadn’t seen you in over a month, not to mention not answering your phone calls or texts. He felt awful. He had called you earlier today, but you hadn’t answered, your phone going immediately to voicemail. He could imagine the disappointment that would be laced in your eyes. You were never mad at him. You were never mad at anyone, just disappointed. You could always see the good in people and would never fail to show them their worth. It was one of the things Bucky loved about you. Ignoring the pounding in his chest, he knocked three times on your apartment door. A few moments later, he heard a soft shuffling before his eyes met yours. Your eyes lit up though Bucky could tell something was wrong. Your usually bright eyes were rimmed red and brimmed with tears.

“Bucky, hey.” Your voice was soft, yet scratchy like you hadn’t spoken in awhile. “Come in.”

The taller man stepped inside, immediately overwhelmed by the warmth your presence brought. “Um, I got these for you.” He held out a bouquet of hydrangeas, the same ones you had a seen a week prior.

You let out a quiet gasp taking the flowers from his hand. “Thank you. They’re beautiful.”

“I was hoping you would like them,” Bucky said nervously, “I wasn’t sure what flowers you liked. I got those because they reminded me of you.”

You sent him a small smile as you went around to the kitchen to grab a vase. The sound of tap water filled the silence between you. You could feel Bucky’s lingering stare, and though you didn’t mind, it made you nervous.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call back. I-“

“You don’t have to explain, Buck,” you muttered. “I understand. I’m just glad you’re here. I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” his voice was soft as he rounded the corner into the kitchen. His jacket was long forgotten, arms crossed over his chest, bottom lip tugged between his teeth. “How are you?”

You shrugged grabbing two glasses from the cabinet next to the microwave. “You want something to drink?”

“Y/n.” Bucky’s voice was stern.

You glanced over at him. “Bucky.” There was a look in your eyes that told him you didn’t want to talk about it.

There was a beat of silence. Bucky wanted to question you further, but he didn’t want to ruin what he had with you. “Water...with ice, please.” His blue eyes followed your frame as you shifted around the kitchen. Your body was stiff and rigid, a few sniffles filling the silence. Bucky noticed the way you ducked your head away from his as you handed him his water. As you attempted to slide past him, he gently wrapped his hand around your forearm. A shaky breath fell from your lips as your gaze stayed fixed on the floor beneath you. “Y/n, talk to me, doll. Please. I don’t like seeing you like this. And don’t tell me you’re okay because I know that you’re not.”

When you met his gaze, the tears started to fall faster. “Please don’t look at me like that.”

The break in your voice made Bucky’s heart ache. “Like what, doll?”

“Like you pity me. I don’t- I don’t want your pity.” You shook yourself from Bucky’s grasp, your knees buckling. Before you could meet the ground, Bucky’s hands found themselves weaved around your waist. He eased you to the ground, your sobs breaking his heart piece by piece. He had lived next door to you for nearly a year and had never seen you like this. He had never seen you so vulnerable. So broken. You always carried yourself with such poise and grace, it was hard to believe that anything was able to break and crack you at the seams. But here you were, falling apart in Bucky’s arms proving that you were just as broken and human as he was.

Bucky, feeling the way your body racked with sobs, said, “You gotta breathe for me, darling.” He waited a few moments and after showing no improvement, he took one of your hands and placed it on his chest. His metal hand came to cup your cheek wiping away the tears that fell rapidly and bringing a coolness to your face. “Y/n, you gotta breathe.” Bucky took in deep breath and motioned for you to do the same. It took a few hiccups, but you soon followed after him. With every deep breath he took, you would do the same. Once your breathing was slowed and your tears weren’t falling as fast, you allowed your head to rest on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered. You gently pulled away from Bucky’s grasp so that you were sitting next to him knees pulled to your chest. You were beyond embarrassed. You hated crying in front of people. It made you feel weak, but more than that you were always the person to offer their shoulder. It didn’t feel right for it to be the other way around.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, doll.” Bucky’s voice was soft. Warm even. He watched as you fidgeted in your spot, your brain racking with what to say.

“I, um, this is the anniversary of my ex’s death.” Bucky swallowed, his hand reaching out to grab yours in a reassuring squeeze. You sent a weak squeeze back, bringing your intertwined hands to rest on your knee. “He was in the army. We started dating a couple months before he went to basic. We did long distance during basic. After, he was stationed in New York for about three months before we found out he was being deployed to Iraq. The day before he left, he uh, broke up with me. He told me that he didn’t want me to wait for him. A month into his deployment a man from the army showed up at my door with a bouquet of hydrangeas.” Your voice cracked. “He was killed in action. IED. I guess I’m not over it.” You tugged your bottom lip between your teeth turning to face Bucky. “I just wanna be able to get through this day without feeling torn apart. I wanna move on.”

“You can’t just push away your emotions, doll. What you’re feeling right now will pass, but you gotta let it run its course. You lost someone you loved and I don’t know if that pain will ever truly go away. Not like you want it to.”

You exhaled shakily using the back of your hand to wipe away a few stray tears. “Thank you for being here, Buck.”

“I’m always gonna be here for ya’ doll.” He tugged you closer throwing his arm over your shoulders. “Anything you need me to do?”

“I just wanna be held for a little while.”

You allowed your eyes to flutter shut at the soft trail of kisses that Bucky left on your forehead. You’re not sure how long the two of you sat on your kitchen floor, but when Bucky gently shook you awake the sun was making it’s decent along the New York horizon.

“Come on. Let’s get you to bed, doll.” The brunette’s voice was barely above a whisper.

You groaned in protest as he tugged you off the ground. You immediately wrapped your arms around his waist and Bucky visibly shivered at the heat of your breath against the base of his neck. “No. Stay. We can eat the plums I bought for you.”

A surprised chuckle fell from Bucky’s lips, his hands running up and down the length of your back. “You got me plums?”

“Us,” you corrected, “I got us plums and we can eat them if you stay.”

“Okay fine,” Bucky sighed, “But just so you know, I’m only staying for the plums not because I wanna spend time with my favorite girl.”

You raised an eyebrow an amused look covering your features. “Favorite, huh?”

“Always will be,” Bucky said casually. “Now, where are those plums?”

[starbornsinger]

Elriel/Gwynriel/Elucien Theory Time :)

Ok so in regards to the Az POV chapter, I have some thoughts. This is super long and detailed and also tearing down ships, so uh, beware.

⚠️ACOSF spoilers (duh)⚠️

So I was re-reading the thing and as I was reading the conversation between Az and Rhys, it kind of hit me. I used to be an Elriel shipper until ACOSF, and I was really all for it.

But I don't think they're in love.

See, earlier in the chapter, Az is thinking about how jealous he is of the other couples. We know he isn't very lucky in love, and seeing Elain and her mate and their mating bond upsets him. I think he fancies Elain because she's beautiful and sweet, but I don't think he's in love with her. I think she's another thing he can't have, and he feels frustrated and it only makes him want her more. Because he thinks, why shouldn't he have her? Why is the Mother so cruel as to deny him love? And he thinks, "well all my other brothers have Archeron mates, why don't I? It must be a mistake!"

I think what Azriel's biggest issue is though, is that he wants love so bad, he's willing to risk it all for the first girl he feels attraction too. It also feels relevant that the primary thing we see in his POV is his physical attraction to her, his sexual attraction. We don't see much of how he thinks she's so sweet or so clever or so gentle, but instead how nice her tits are and how badly he wants to kiss and fuck her. I think he doesn't particularly want Elain, and while he likes her, I think what he really wants is love. True love, just like his brothers and friends. He thinks the Mother must be wrong because they both got Archeron sisters while he didn't, and his attraction to Elain makes him wish they were Mates so he could finally have that true love that's entirely his own.

But she's not. And he can't. I think what Azriel wants most isn't Elain. He wants her sexually, and he admires her and has a crush on her, but the thing he focuses on and gives him the most emotion is that she has a Mate and he doesn't, and that everyone does but him. I think he wants someone like Elain and wants to feel happy, but I think he doesn't exactly want Elain. When he thinks of her, he doesn't seem to be truly in love as we've seen other SJM couples are. And sure, it's early, but it's also been like— 2 years. I don't think they're in love sadly, I think Azriel just wants to move on from Mor and finally find love. He has a type, and when he found someone who loosely fit into the mold of his ideal partner, he jumped at it because he's desperate to have someone love him. All his life, he's struggled with self-love and love from others, and I think that it's deeply affected his relationship with love itself.

Physical attraction and desire and interest isn't love. And the idea of her being mated already only makes him mad— that of course the first girl he likes for the first time in 500 years, of course the girl that could help him move on from Mor, is mated. I think that only makes him feel more passionate towards her; and Rhys notes how he seems to think he has a claim to her, when he doesn't. It makes Az angry, not because Rhysand thinks he's being possessive and reckless, but because it's true. He genuinely can't have her.

As for Elain, I think she's far too hesitant to be with him. She reminds me of Daisy in The Great Gatsby, and how she claims to love Jay but she won't leave Tom, or jilt him. Now this is a different situation, because Daisy was selfish and didn't want to give up her comforts and stability and fame. Elain, on the other hand, doesn't seem ready to have a serious relationship with Az. I think she is still severely affected by Graysen's rejection, and is still clearly not over him. I don't think she's ready to accept Az fully and be with him, and I also don't think she's ready to reject her mating bond with Lucien.

I don't know 100% what's going on with Elain, but what I do know is that clearly she is intrigued by Lucien in some capacity. Ok Elriel shippers, don't come for me, but there are several scenes in which Elain seems to want to talk to Lucien, or whatever the heck. But also seems disinterested, like when she dismisses his Solstice gifts and doesn't speak to him.

However, I don't think she's resentful towards him exactly, or at least that isn't the main reason she's like this. While we know he was helping Tamlin lowkey, Feyre and the IC all understood he was on their side, and was their friend. So it seems kind of odd to still bear a grudge against him, but who knows.

But funnily enough, she has yet to reject their mating bond. If she's so disinterested, or hates him so much, why hasn't she turned him down? Mother, she's barely spoken to him at all. I think the obvious reason behind her disdain or distancing from Lucien is her connection to Graysen and her human life. Of all the sisters, Elain has not yet adapted to or accepted that she is Fae— or if she has, she's sure as hell not happy about it. Even Nesta in ACOSF mentioned how she actually likes her ears now, and we know Feyre has totally accepted being Fae. But with Elain, she had the most human connected life of them all, and to have it taken away from her is shitty.

For Elain, her happiness seems to come from a love of gardening, of family, of people. She has very little human things to hold onto, and adding a Mating bond to the mix right as she's made Fae is like she's had all her humanity stripped. She doesn't hate Lucien, she hates the bond. She dislikes that it's chained her to someone and taken away her choices, which we know is a big deal for the sisters after being imprisoned, kidnapped, and Made. I think Elriel is an infatuation, because even though she doesn't love Az, he's helping her rebound from Graysen (and giving her control and power over her love life). He's a choice she (can't really) make, but a choice nonetheless. With Lucien, she feels she has no choice with him, and no control over her obvious attraction I say obvious because mates have a primal attraction of some level to each other , and is probably afraid that accepting the Mating bond will remove any last connections she has to who she used to be, and the human she feels she really is.

But she also hasn't rejected it, because I think she realizes that Lucien is a genuine and kind and hot guy, and that rejecting him would be a stupid idea. He's been very patient and very kind and accepting, and has always given her the freedom of choice when it comes to the bond. I think Lucien is the kind of guy that would be very easy to fall in love with, and I think Elain sees that and knows it.

Also, I think with ACOSF, it feels relevant that Cassian pointed out specifically how Elain looked beautiful in black at the ball, but it looked horribly wrong on her. With SJM the devil is always in the details, and I think it was a clearly accentuated bit of symbolism. Although Elain looks beautiful, the black dress wasn't for her. And although Elriel is very sweet, it won't work out. She won't thrive in the Night Court, or with Azriel. Az doesn't challenge her or meet her as an equal (like all other SJM ships), and they don't push each other to be better or to accept themselves or whatever etc etc.

And I really used to like Elriel, but I think that surprisingly, Elain will be the one who says "stop, I can't do this" to Az. I think she knows she isn't ready, and I think she knows they aren't meant to be. Even if a Mating bond was put in place between her and Lucien, I still think their relationship wouldn't work because they're both too insecure, too closed off, too non-communicative, and too stagnant together to be a healthy or good match. I think with Elain they would struggle to understand each other even if they were fond of each other and can relate on some level, but at its rawest form I think they won't truly be able to be themselves with each other.

With Elain, Azriel's shadows— a key part of him— disappear. While I initially thought, awww that's so cute, she's a light in his life, I soon realized I was wrong. Az's shadows are not just a part of him, they're an extension of him, of his will and subconscious and emotions. So Elain chasing them away, while chasing away the shadows and darkness seems cute, isn't a good thing. Most of the time with shadows, we think "ew bad!" Because they have an inherent connotation of negativity or sorrow or depression or darkness etc etc. And while this is partially true, Azriel's shadows and darkness are a part of him. His sadness and struggles are a part of him. And his shadows aren't just representative of that, they're also a representation of how he overcame his abuse and turned that fire (pun unintended) and anger and trauma into something beautiful and powerful and a weapon. I think they can serve as an armor and a shield, and while that's not good, I also don't think they should fully disappear.

More on that: with Azriel's shadows, we know they're a part of him, right? So I think an important part of self is self-regulation. Rather than be consumed entirely by shadow, or totally exposed to the light, I think he just needs his shadows to be calm and present, but not controlling or hiding. I think the whole "Elain bringing him out of the shadows" bit sounds cute at first, but then you have to think of it like this. In order to be with Elain, he would have to change. He couldn't be a spy or a shadowsinger or a torturer, and he couldn't be dark and introverted. With her, he has to push that aside. Those are key parts of him, key parts that would have a big impact on their relationship. Elain can't be with someone with so much blood on their hands or a history of violence or darkness. We know that, because we know that sort of thing upsets her and she doesn't like it.

Azriel can't just be himself with her, he has to become someone else. And while he's attracted enough to not care, after awhile, that grows exhausting. Being in love and not being your true self, all of it, is exhausting. And while some might argue "why can't he be his true self?!" well my slime, I think we both know that even if we wanted him to, Elain would be silently resigned about it. I don't think— no, I know— Elain can't be with someone like Azriel. Even if they have feelings, even if they have lust or affection, it isn't love. They aren't in love, and they won't work out no matter how much we want it to.

Onto Elain: with Elain, this all ties back to what Cassian said in Hewn City. She looks beautiful in black, but it's wholly wrong for her. The Night Court is wrong for her, and darkness is wrong for her. While some yin-yang relationship tropes can work very well, I don't think this will. She doesn't like the darkness or accept it, and she doesn't want to be a part of it. I think the Night Court is good and happy for her when she makes her own little garden world, and only then, really. It's like living in the middle of the desert and only thinking of the beach: it's not the right place for her.

I think the Spring Court needs her, and I think she needs it. Here's more on that.

So we've seen the set up and execution of the fall of the Spring Court. We know that it's in shambles and is weak and needs a new/better leader than Tampon. I feel like SJM is setting things up for a new book focused in the Spring Court, because in a lot of ways, it's becoming the centerpiece for action in Prythian (aside from the Night Court). I genuinely believe that as Tamlin's second, Lucien will take over the Spring Court as High Lord. He doesn't fit in with Autumn, didn't fit in with Night, and wasn't really a part of Spring. But with Spring, it was where he was happy, where he felt safe, and the home he chose. Chosen homes and chosen families are a big deal for SJM, and I think that Lucien will return to the Spring Court to try and help it, because Mother knows it needs it. I think Elain belongs there, not only because she needs to be in an environment suited to her, but because she needs to heal.

We've seen a theme of helping others heal in order to heal ourselves, and I think a good book idea (and what I think an Elain book would be about), is healing the Spring Court and helping it. Elain is a gardener. She wants to see things grow and blossom, wants to get her hands dirty and dig in! But she can't do that in the NC. I think she needs something new and fresh and blossoming that she can help and tend to, and I think the person that can be at her side for that is Lucien. I think with Azriel, she can't see growth and life and flowers. He's a different kind of person, far too different, and the two wouldn't mesh well. Elain isn't like Persephone and Azriel isn't like Hades; although she's flowers and he's death and they're attracted to each other, they don't fully accept those roles and cross into each other's. Elain could never be a killer or someone who wears black or thrives in a darker place, and Azriel couldn't be someone who is in the full heat of the light and wear bright colors and be cheerful and flowery. In a dream world, yes, but I think in this one, no. SJM loves to create realistic relationships and realistic relationship conflict, and I think we'll see this here. Even though they want it to work, and in theory it should, it won't. I think they know it too. Azriel's shadows vanish when she's around, and Elain struggles to feel comfortable in the darkness and Night Court, and fit in with the others in the black dress that is wholly un-Elain.

I also think that this relationship doesn't bring development to the table. The forbidden love concept is adorable and a trope I love, but this love isn't one that will push them to grow. Azriel can feel loved and happy, but can he feel fully accepted? Can he stop being ashamed of his shadows, of his violence? Of who he is? Can Elain break out of her shelf and be more assertive, and truly grow and change? Can she be herself and be happy? The answer is a sad no. Their relationship is sweet and cute, but it won't truly work. I genuinely believe Lucien is a better match for Elain, and while the Cauldron isn't always right (like Rhysand's parents), it usually is. If he isn't, then I'm all for independent Elain.

Now onto the moment you've all been waiting for: who should Az be with?

Gwyn. :)

[ladyartemesia]

Yooo your love story straight out seems like an e2l slow burn tumblr fic. Do you have any plans using at as a plot?? I would def read it 👀

I don’t know if I would truly call it enemies-to-lovers because—although I got irritated with him and his behavior and did snap at him from time to time—we were not really enemies. In fact we were barely friends for most of the years we knew each other—

Well.

Ok. So that’s not totally true...

We fought online constantly. From the time we graduated college (where his crush first developed and I routinely forgot his name) the two of us were always fighting on social media—usually about politics—and occasionally about other things but both of us were too smart to ever truly get the better of each other so there was a grudging respect, (his mom said he used to yell at his computer screen about me). We had it OUT several times online even though we rarely—if ever—spoke in person.

My poor sweet boy DID get himself in trouble over me in more ways than one though—even if we’re weren’t close yet...

His college girlfriend set him up to fail asked him who he would date if the two of them weren’t together and he answered immediately—vehemently—

“Viola. I would definitely date Viola if I could.”

🤦🏻‍♀️ (oh...honey...no)

(That would become a huge THING in their relationship. Every time they got into a fight his ex would shout “why don’t you just go date VIOLA then?!”—When he married me he said he felt like a real winner in that particular collection of conflicts. Playing the long game I guess 🤣😂)

Back then I was all about the music/dramatic arts scene and I was dating a string of empty headed pretty boys who bored me nigh unto death because I was young and completely stupid.

In contrast my someday-boo was painfully quiet and shy (though not really with me because he was too busy trying to prove me wrong), but everyone who met him or spoke to him really liked him and respected him.

After college we were were still in the same extended social circle (and—as previously mentioned—fighting online), but I went to grad school and my not-yet-husband decided to chill for awhile and take a job as a landscaper while he figured his life out and... here’s where it gets complicated because...

—that’s where the girls came in. You see... he’s always been a really nice guy... maybe a little too nice 🤦🏻‍♀️

The term fuqboi tends to conjure up impressions of a cocky frat bro who slyly shags his way through a mountain of willing women with disconnected efficiency and a subtext of emotional constipation.

But that would not be the case here.

You see my husband is a listener. He’s an INFP. He, unlike many of his brethren, understands emotions and can really make a woman feel seen. Combine that with his good looks, brilliant mind, and broody nerditude and you have a recipe for women who were ‘just friends’ randomly dropping to their knees (and a lot more) for him.

Never one to stand in the way of a lady’s dreams, pre-me-hubby figured that if they were that determined to (*insert miscellaneous sexy stuff here*) with him then—well—he’d let them.

I mean why not, right? No harm done.

Wrong. 🤬

And here is where our paths truly began to merge (in the real world) for the first time.

As the FOURTH girl (just in my friend group) he graciously allowed (🤦🏻‍♀️) to have her wicked way with him sobbed in my arms, I became determined to put this ridiculous man-child IN his PLACE—this time in the tactile world as well as the virtual one.

...Poor Liz

She realized that he had absolutely no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship with anything other than his WoW account and she was insistent that he had broken her heart.

So I cornered him and we had it out. (Call me meddlesome, but to be fair he was four friends deep at this point.)

The problem was that... the more I talked to him...the more he was not really what I expected... I found myself...oddly...intrigued?

Later it would come out that I was the first girl—ever—that he actually pursued. And I was not even aware of it for like the first three months.

He was pretty slick after all when it came down to it.

That man convinced me to ‘help him’ with women—to make sure he didn’t get himself into another situation where some girl with heart eyes was tearing off his clothes and expecting commitment.

HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS ‘EXCUSE.’

🤦🏻‍♀️(...I know. I’m an idiot.)

“We can hang out. You’ll teach me how to spot if a girl is about to catch feelings and take off my pants. And I will have an excuse when they call as to why we can’t hang out” (—and ...they really were always calling. It was wild.)

....I mean he WAS shy! It SEEMED plausible!

So yeah my dim self agreed to it. (🤦🏻‍♀️)

I considered it a valiant attempt to save the rest of my social circle from the most clueless ‘accidental’ fuqboi on planet earth and maybe even an opportunity to teach him how to be a real human being and what not.

And before you think ‘fake dating’—we weren’t. We were just hanging out as friends. You see when I went to yell at him (and chased him down after he laughed at me and tried to escape) we ended up talking in his car for like four hours. And then that happened like three more times randomly so... I... actually... wanted... to be his friend... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was still 110% not interested romantically.

Your girl (me) was after some bland banker dude (🤦🏻‍♀️) and so I blissfully fell into friendship with my actual soulmate without a single second thought. And I never worried about either of us catching feelings because I had a crush on someone else and he had heavily implied that I was not his type. (He told me later that I just assumed this and he simply never corrected me 🙄)

I don’t remember falling for him. I never decided to. I never thought about it...

But one day after the whole crew was hanging out at a restaurant (and the waiter kept giving me free drinks which may have pissed my once-and-future man off) the two of us went out to his car to have our customary three hour post-chill chat...

I was teasing him about something—some girl he was still attempting to untangle himself from—and I said—as had become my habit (seriously I said this so many times as a joke)—“It’s too bad I’m not your type—you could just tell her you have a girlfriend.”

(Now. I know what you’re thinking. But I was still firmly on team platonic ok! I was just a flirt. And maybe part of me was starting to feel weird things about him—but those feelings weren’t like anything I recognized so I thought I just needed to cut back on sugar or something.)

(Have I mentioned I’m an idiot?)

ANYWAYS he looked me right in the eye. So serious. And instead of saying “that’s too bad”—LIKE he ALWAYS did—he said—

“You...are my type, Viola... You’re exactly my type.”

To which I responded—“....What? No I’m not. You said I wasn’t.”

“Never said that. You assumed.”

“You LET me!”

—followed by a good ten minutes of me having an existential crisis/yelling at him for allowing me to believe he didn’t find me attractive and lulling me into a false sense of security. He was infuriatingly unapologetic.

At the end of it all he asked me to give him—give us—a chance.

And I agreed to go out on a few dates with him (mostly to prove to myself that there was nothing there).

(🤦🏻‍♀️)

The only thing I ended up proving was that I was wrong about what I wanted and even more wrong about what I needed.

You see...

Those weird feelings turned out to be love.

(🤦🏻‍♀️)

And it was a really special experience to sit in a room full of girls who had cried in my arms over him—girls I had lectured repeatedly on the dangers of his heartless ways— and admit that I was his girlfriend.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Love was—and continues to be—nothing like I expected and frankly I couldn’t be happier.

... to answer your questions

1. I have considered writing a fic based on our story called Broken Road. The title is taken from an old Rascal Flatts song that—as insanely cheesy as it is—really reminds me of us. Don’t know if I will actually write this. Thought about it a lot though.

2. Tags I would use for this story?

#enemies-to-lovers / #idiots-to-lovers / #college au / #outgoing!fem reader(me) x shy nerd!accidental fuqboi / #reader is also a huge nerd actually / #she’s just a loud one / #frenemies-to-lovers / #the love is requited / #they’re just idiots / #pining (his) / denial (mine) / #reader has terrible taste in men / #except for that last one / #she really redeemed herself there at the end

[ratsoh-writes]

This is for all the Horror bros (and any other skelly of your choosing if you so wish ~w~) They start receiving little anonymous gifts at their workplace. Sometimes it’s sweets, but most of the time the little gifts are like,, cool looking rocks and crystals and whatnot, with little notes that say something like “I hope your day is going peachy!” and sometimes good news that happened in the world recently. It goes on for awhile and still have yet to see the person who’s doing this so eventually they decide to do a stakeout and when they catch the culprit it’s this soft looking 5’3 short haired girl. They realize they’ve actually seen her around (could be customer/student or freelance coworker depending on what the skeletons job is) and the few interactions they’ve had with her have been endearingly awkward and pleasant. She’s placing down what looks like a small batch of peanut butter fudge, which includes a little sticky note saying “Sorry this is the only thing I know how to bake decently,,, everything else may or may not be store bought.” Thoughts/reactions?

Oak: he quickly writes it down in his journal along with a brief description of her and her scent. That’s sounds a little creepy, but oak recognizes smell better than faces. You gotta do what you gotta do lol. Oak reads through the journal every day so she’ll be on his mind. He makes a slightly harder effort to befriend this interesting human

Willow: oh he knew who the secret admirer was for a while. After the first couple of gifts, he got curious and decided to check the bakery’s cams to see who was leaving them. Willow is cautious normally, so he acts the same around her each time she visits. But getting a home made gift touches his heart a little. Now the girl is getting her own courting gifts free samples each time she visits the bakery. He needs a taste tester! Why not a regular? No other reason

Rust: the girl could be an older sibling or parent of one of the daycare kids. If she was a coworker, rust would’ve asked her to stop. He doesn’t want dating drama getting in the way of his job. There’s a couple of grateful parents who leave gifts like cookies for all the staff, so rust takes longer than the others to realize he has a secret admirer. In fact, it’s the girls kid/sibling that gives the secret away lol

Noir: he had her pegged immediately. The famine in the underground did not lessen noirs senses one bit. If anything, it only refined them. So after gift number two, he knew immediately who the secret admirer was. Noir let’s it go on for a bit just to see what she’s like, then he goes in for the kill. The girl will start receiving love notes in reply, and noir will definitely be very flirty whenever she’s around. It’s not long before he asks her on a date

Lilac: he’s super surprised to be getting attention like this. Lilac didn’t think he was desirable anymore after his injuries. This means that unlike Star who would steal a date right away, lilac waits to see if she’s serious. He’ll even shy away a little after finding out who the admirer is. He’s definitely interested though

Basil: oh stars somebody help this nervous wreck. He has no idea why this girl is always leaving him gifts. Basil has never spoken a word to her. Sure there’s been a few times that she’s told him all about her day and he’ll hum back a little, but that doesn’t count!!! Does it..? Each new gift gets a blush, a minor panic attack, and a prettily wrapped gift in return. This love story will be the slowest of burns, but it’s worth it

[amyisherenowitsokay]

Zagr for the ship ask 😤😤😤 every single one bitch

I cannot believe you have bombarded me like this. Appalled. Insulted. Astounded.

Please enjoy my entire analysis of my fictional totally canonical ship.

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

1. How did they first meet?

Dib, but also school.

2. What was their first impression of each other?

I think they're both initially incredibly dismissive of one another. Zim thinks the entire fate of the Armada's reputation lying on his shoulders, and Gaz really has too many personal problems even as a kid to deal with; neglectful Dad, overprotective, stupid brother, etc.

3. Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

Okay so hear me out; I think Skoodge and Professor Membrane would be so obnoxious in the best way. And Gir, whenever his attention span lets him remember long enough to scream about it. But I think Membrane would be chipper about Gaz finding someone, even long before she admits she's even interested, and Skoodge would want Zim to be happy and is unconditionally supportive, especially when Zim is mopey whenever his advances are rebuffed.

4. Who felt romantic feelings first?

Honestly, I love a Zim simp, but I genuinely think it'd be Gaz. Zim is obviously a Defect capable of feeling a larger range of emotions than other Irkens, but he still didn't receive socialization that makes 'romantic rituals' in any way natural to him. So I think Gaz and him would buddy up platonically and casually, initially, until she realizes she likes his company a little too much and freaks out about it.

5. Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Gaz does, 100%, and she's way more stubborn about it then Zim. I think Zim's denial is just that he doesn't "get" romance (see above) and what's going on with him, but once he understands he's fully down to bombard Gaz with affection, flirtations, and other over-the-top simp behavior until she stops pretending she's not gritting her teeth while fighting a blush.

6. If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

Zim doesn't know what a soul is, but he does begin to understand the concept that they can be taken from human's in bargains. He becomes distracted by the topic. Bringing it up again later would have him largely dismissive.

Gaz would roll her eyes, and be extremely bitter about the idea that there is anyone 'made' for her. She's very independent, and I think someone with the sort of familial issues she does with no role model for a 'happy' family would be really resistant to being bound to someone in a way that would entitle them to her vulnerabilities. She'd be extremely resentful, dismissive, and irritable.

7. What would their lives be like if they had never met?

Really unfulfilled, listless. Without that companionship, they would never develop into people capable of meaningful relationships. I think both of them are very independent. Zim may claim he likes an audience, but there's an undeniable anxiety that he gets when faced with judgement. If it's anything but unwaveringly positive, he becomes delusional and creates a fantasy world in which everyone loves him, and the situation was just an initial misinterpretation. Gaz would have good friends, I think, but accepting Zim and his oddities and realizing she genuinely relates to someone who knows everything about her (via her brother + proximity + time) and is still here would mean a lot to her development.

GENERAL

1. Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

Zim, without a doubt. Gaz may like Zim first, but she's completely in denial about it and completely stubborn. Zim is oblivious, and also a big ass simp, so his persistence and patience eventually gets Gaz to let her guard down and accept that she has hormones, she has romantic inclinations, and apparently they've both decided Zim is it. Time to be a big girl and accept it.

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

Honestly, I don't think they're the 'date' type of couple. I am probably 100% projecting since my boyfriend and I did not have an official 'date' until like 6 months into our first relationship, where we paused, turned to each other and were like 'wait is this our first date?' because we're homebodies whose idea of fun is projects. I think Zim and Gaz would hang out regularly, but it wouldn't ever be like a formal 'we are going to Bloaty's/the movies/etc as a date,' but rather 'I am going here and you are coming with me so I guess we are going together' thing. Zim doesn't get the point of a date, because if a date is by definition doing an activity together, then aren't they perpetually on a date? And Gaz isn't really a 'let's go to dinner formally' kind of person. They hang out, they go places, but it's never really a 'thing.'

3. What was their first kiss like?

I firmly believes Gaz would have to walk Zim through every aspect of physical affectionate. Zim is really wary about it, but I do think there's an instinct towards good ol' copulation, as well as a longing for positive touch after so long getting his ass whooped in the Academy, that would make him frustrated trying to figure out what this desire is. I think their first kiss is Gaz explaining to Zim, after he asks her outright what else there is after tame stuff like cuddling and hand holding, and Gaz walks him through the concept, implications, and so on until he feels ready to bravely and firmly try it.

While that does sound pretty clinical, I think actually it'd be really emotional for both of them. Zim would be really overwhelmed by how much passion is in a kiss, and Gaz would be similarly overwhelmed since, going into the relationship, she probably never anticipated Zim being interested in anything sexual, so any physical affection he expresses interest in is a surprise to her.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

I think Gaz probably would try out a few brief relationships, but never anything substantial or dramatic. Zim's never been in a relationship, so Gaz is his first everything. I do think they'd be each other's first sexual relationship, but I think Gaz would have most of her more minimal firsts with other people prior to Zim.

5. What’s their height difference? Age difference?

Zim older. I normally write Zim as the same height as Gaz, or only a little taller. Neither of them are tall. I do respect you 'short king' stans though.

6. What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Dib hates Zim, firmly and completely, at the beginning of their relationship. It takes a lot of self-reflection, meaningful sibling discussions, and probably a few screaming matches that eventually get to the real root of the issue (Dib's ingrained fear that something would happen to Gaz, and that it'd his fault) before he came around. Zim is a big petty bitch and would gleefully antagonize him. They would never stop sniping at each other, but they'd begrudgingly (sort of) behave for Gaz. They would eventually become frenemies and bros, but they'd die and also kill each other before admitting any sort of cordiality.

Professor Membrane adores Zim, and treats him like the son he never had/always wanted, the one who wants to have long discussions about science and can keep up with the theoreticals. Gaz hates it.

The Base and Gaz are cool. They have an understanding borne from two sentient creatures who have found themselves in the position of trying to keep Zim from killing himself, killing other people, or from coming to (too much) harm. Gaz initially hates Gir, but eventually she figures out how to get him to chill out when it's important. Minimoose and her are also cool, but he creeps Gaz out a little.

7. Who takes the lead in social situations?

Zim thinks he does, but it's really just Gaz slapping her hand over his mouth before he can say something stupid, or translating whatever nonsense just came out of his mouth when he's done talking.

8. Who gets jealous easier?

Zim. Not even a question.

9. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

Zim. Also not even a question.

LOVE

1. Who said “I love you” first?

Gaz. Zim doesn't know what it means until she explains it. It takes him awhile to internalize it and reciprocate verbally, but Gaz is okay with that. He shows her how much he cares in other ways.

2. What are their primary love languages?

Without a doubt, Zim's is touch. Once he gets used to it, he's really greedy and possessive about proximity. Just having Gaz bump his arm is sometimes enough to set the worst of his nerves at ease.

Gaz's is acts of service. She's fine with Zim being physically clingy, but it means a lot to her how unflinching he is about protecting her, anticipating her needs, and remembering things.

3. Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Zim. Gaz hates them, but she tolerates it. Sometimes.

4. How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

Cuddling is very frequent. Zim will just sort of shift in behind Gaz if she's playing a game and cling, and she'll just keep doing what she's doing until she's eventually done and reciprocates. Explicit PDA never happens, but Zim is very clingy and physically will plant himself between Gaz and people who he's distrustful towards.

5. Who initiates kisses?

Gaz. I think Zim would cling to her like a barnacle at every opportunity, but Zim would likely usually defer to Gaz for escalating intimacy.

6. Who’s the big and little spoon?

Zim big spoon. PAK too uncomfortable to let him be the little spoon.

7. What are their favorite things to do together?

I think just being around each other while they do projects, game, etc. would be their favorite thing to do. Sharing in hobbies without feeling pressured to be entertaining, but still feeling like their presence is valued and wanted by the other.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

Being a people, and having more emotional competency, Gaz is better. Zim does his best though.

9. Who’s more protective?

Zim, if we're talking about quantity. Gaz, however, if we're talking about quality. Zim screams at chihuahuas for looking at Gaz, and also does protect her from genuine threats, but he overreacts frequently. Gaz, however, would know when Zim's out of his depth and would break the spine of anything that's a threat to him.

10. Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Physical, for both. Neither of them is really used to verbal affection, whether it be giving or receiving. It's a lot more natural to be demonstrative.

11. What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

Me, cackling as I copy and paste this link that I imagine is from their mutual perspectives:

https://open.spotify.com/track/4nlT0Ch4qpqoS8O1RsdzjH?si=d6d8e1e19a7d4dc7

12. What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

There's lots, and I'm sure most of them are inside jokes, but the tops are Zimmothy + Little Gaz.

13. Who remembers the little things?

It's hard to say. Zim would retain an encyclopedic knowledge of all things Gaz, and tries to spoil her and accommodate her at every opportunity, but Gaz never forgets to pack an extra umbrella and a raincoat.

DOMESTIC LIFE

1. If they get married, who proposes?

Zim.

2. What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

No one but their mutual 'families.' A very small, intimate ceremony. The reception though is massive, courtesy of Professor Membrane who has no idea how to separate his personal life with his public one.

3. How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

0 kiddos. Cannot product viable, compatible DNA to produce a spawn.

4. Do they have any pets?

Does Gir count?

5. Who’s the stricter parent?

If Gir is the child, Zim. Gaz will let him get away with murder, both because she can't be bothered to control him, and also because she thinks it's funny how mad Zim gets when she lets him go wild.

6. Who worries the most?

Between Gaz "apathetic is my middle name" Membrane and Invader "I have perpetual anxiety" Zim? No idea.

7. Who kills the bugs in the house?

Gir. He eats them long before anyone can find them. But both Gaz and Zim will point out any he misses.

8. How do they celebrate holidays?

Zim fucking hates Christmas, so him and Membrane get down in a bunker for it while Dib and Gaz spend some sibling time somewhere, drinking cocoa and video chatting with the respective morons. Other holidays, they basically go wherever Professor Membrane is in the world with Dib to have a 'family' holiday.

9. Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Zim doesn't sleep, but he likes the resting and the peacefulness of getting to curl around Gaz in her sleep without her leaving. So him by default.

10. Who’s the better cook?

Zim has a 'kiss the chef' apron and everything.

11. Who likes to dance?

Neither of them, but Zim does 'victory dances' compulsively.

[harmoni-me]

hello it’s me again! thank you for fulfilling my request i just loved it. can you please do a continuation? like- reader starts receiving these anonymous love letters and gifts, this drove the boys (and the reader) to confess their feelings in the end. angst to fluff

Wow, thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it! This one is even longer than the last, so please have fun reading this one!

Nagito Komaeda x Sweetheart Reader x Kokichi Ouma Pt. 2

Crunch

Huh? What in the world-

Last time you remembered reaching into your school duffle bag, all you had in it was a comfy change of clothes for when gym activities rolled around, and a wet bottle of water that was dripping with condensation, but…

You didn’t remember an envelope, not in the slightest.

A nervousness started to boil over from your head to your heart, face heating up as quickly as hot coals on a cold evening. Is this… what you thought it was?

You’re stomach dropped at the realization, plunging into the depths of your being, as a realization struck.

This…this was probably not who you thought it was from.

In retrospect, the sting would only sink in deeper if only a single letter was given.

You weren’t satisfied, and that made you feel like you were scum, too dirty to even bother to be dealt with.

Even feeling a great amount of resentment to the silly thing, it’s not like you weren’t going to open it. You weren’t heartless when it came to the topic of possible confession. I guess you could say that the author of the letter made you feel something you haven’t felt in a while.

It’s was pure, unbridled, bitter jealousy. Jealousy that engulfed your vision, clouding all sense of realism.

Why could someone so anonymous have more guts about dealing with their crush than you? This person, who you didn’t even know, had the heart of a lion to sit down, write out something deep and personal, and somehow get it to you.

You were jealous, because you would never have the heart to do the same.

Once the bell rang to signal the last period of the day, you begrudgingly stood from your desk, knowing what you had to do. You had to open it, it would be extremely inconsiderate if you didn’t.

While you were walking in the hallway to somewhere slightly more secluded, you slipped the letter out of your bag. It was pure white, and it wasn’t made out of anything fancy. The opening was sealed by a simple piece of clear scotch tape, and when turning the message over, on the back was large, red letters that spelled your name in delicate cursive. You really wanted to get this over with.

“BOO!”

“OH MY GOD-“ You jumped out of your skin, dropping the envelope in your hand, causing it to flutter to the floor.

“Nehehe! I got you so good!” A purple-haired brat giggled at your jump of fright, rounding the corner he was hiding behind. His eyes then wandered to the envelope that was laid flat on the tiled floor, his eyebrows rose, and a smirk slowly carved his way onto his face.

“Oooo, what’s this little thing, hm? An invitation? A secret message?….”  Kokichi knelt down to pick up the letter, fitting the paper between his middle finger and index finger. He got up all in your face, an evil smile plastered on his face, reaching all the way up to his eyes. He got closer to your ear, voice dropping, and his breath hot against your ear.

“Maybe…a love confession? Aww, how sweet…” Kokichi hummed, pleased by the steamy expression your face turned when you were embarrassed. Then, as suddenly as the actions before, Kokichi hopped backwards, grasping onto the letter with both hands, raising it aggressively high in the air.

“Ahhh! The anticipation! What’s inside, what’s inside, what’s inside?!” Kokichi kept on blabbering, waving the envelope all over the place, as if he was a child on Christmas Eve, shaking a wrapped gift to see if they could guess its contents.

When you saw the best opportunity, you quickly snatched the letter back from the naughty boy’s grubby little hands, huffing with a blush on your face once you retrieved what had been addressed to you.

You leaned your back against the hallway wall, which had now been abandoned. Slowly, you sunk yourself down to the ground, not once taking your eyes off of the red lettering that spelled your name in flawless cursive. You noticed upon close inspection that the lettering was a little smudged at the ends, most likely from Kokichi’s roughhousing with it.

A rough thump rang out next to you, making you look over with not much interest. Kokichi, in all of his nosy glory, had sat right up next to you against to wall, head shoved all in your business.

“Come on! Open it already! The suspense is killing me!” Kokichi was vibrating from waiting so patiently....to what extent Kokichi could be patient, that is.

You sighed, giving up. It was most likely anonymous anyway, so Kokichi won’t even know who to target ruthlessly on for the next month.

You let the tip of your finger slide into the opening of the letter, breaking the tape to the prized information. You carefully slipped out the neatly folded piece of paper, which was a thicker, almost card stock like texture.

Even before opening it, you could feel the emotion that radiated out of the paper. You suddenly had an image turn in your mind, of a person looking to be your age, carefully writing every word down as perfectly a flawed human could. Though, you could imagine them also grasping at their hair, crumbling up previous attempts, over and over again, as if disposing of their emotions, yet rebirthing it to be conveyed better each and every time.

It made you feel that much worse, knowing  that the writer’s feelings are in no way reciprocated. You couldn’t, because the feelings to give back were already stolen in their entirety. By two other people, none the less.

Ironic how one of your two fattest crushes you’ve ever had in your life was basically huddling into you right at this moment, wanting so desperately to know what the paper read.

When finally did unfold the letter, you were met with beautiful, curvy handwriting, not a spelling error or smudge could be found.

. . .

To the one who my heart yearns for the most,

I’ve lost track on how many times I have written this letter. For reference, the bin next to me is now filled to the brim and was completely empty just two hours ago, but that’s not important, is it?

Let’s get the obvious things out of the way, shall we? I adore you. Though I’m keeping this anonymous, I want you to know that my heart has grown ten times it’s size ever since the day I met you. Every single attribute about you I hold as a precious keepsake within my mind. Every time you do anything, say anything, I want to keep it all to myself. I want to lock the sound of your voice, and keep vivid pictures of your smile fresh within my memories.

You, (Y/N), have made me feel things that I  thought I had become numb to. I was unapproachable. A man that was blinded by his own psychotic desire to be used, that’s what I was.

You might think I’m exaggerating, but I believe you’re my guardian angle, sent to be due to God’s pity. Now that I’ve written it down, that was stupid, but I’ll keep it, because it’s the truth.

You saved me from myself, causing me to unsurprisingly fall in love with the one who made me realize I was a human, standing among other flawed humans, all having different lives, hopes, talents, aspirations...

Your kindness, no, your everything gave me so much room to simply breathe, and realized what I was doing to myself and to others.

Now that that’s out of the way, I would like to mention something I’ve...conjured.

I’m not very great at using my words, so that’s why I’ve poured everything into this letter, but you deserve to know who I am.

I’m scared, and if you do see me, I might not be able to get a good amount of words out but

In two days from now, after school, I want to meet you. I was thinking on the school rooftop? If you decide to come, I’ll be there waiting.

. . .

Wow

Who...who was this guy? And why...

Your eyes were brimming with tears, glossy from such words. This could be anyone, yet, what did you do? You were friends with many people, but not like this...you don’t think?

You suddenly felt something warm wiping away your now falling tears, gliding over your cheeks to brush away your liquid sadness.

“Hey, don’t cry...it’s not a good fit for you.” Kokichi then used his bandana to gently dry your puffy eyes and crimson cheeks. You looked up at the boy, who had the tiniest smile present on his face. It was almost as if that was how far the smile could go.

The sun broke through a window across the hallway, landing on Kokichi and his facial features. You looked into his eyes, but something was off.

Those eyes, they reflected a lot more light than they usually did, as if they were simply water in a pond. Was he-

“Well, that sure was something, huh?” Kokichi turned around, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve, trying to be discreet. You noticed though, but decided to not say anything.

. . .

When you thought things couldn’t get worse, you had totally jinxed yourself the next day.

You wanted to get your water bottle out of the your school duffel bag during class, because humans have to drink every once in awhile, but when you did...

Crunch

What...what even was that?

You honestly didn’t even want to bother until the end of the day with how you were feeling right now.

You were slumped, once again, in an empty hallway, browsing your phone and looking at funny cat videos to raise your vibrations. At least they made you smile.

“Is there a kitten nearby?” A voice had pierced the atmosphere. You looked up, it was Nagito standing over you, a face of half wonder and half concern delicately painted on his features.

You looked downcast, and you hated hiding your emotions, so it was plainly evident to Nagito how you felt in that moment, and he was heartbroken.

He placed his belongings next to you, along with himself, comfortably hugging his knees into his chest. He turned to you frowning a bit.

“You...only watch cute animal videos when you’re sad. Is... there anything wrong?” Nagito questioned, wanting to help you as much as you’ve helped him.

“It’s kinda personal, but your company already makes me feel better, so it’ll all be fine.” You gave the white haired boy a little smile, showing just how genuine you were.

Nagito hummed, nodding in understanding. He was playing it cool in front of you, but he really wanted to punch the person that made you feel like this.

It’s funny, because he probably has an idea of who...

“Oh, yeah, the thing...” You mumbled, reaching over to dig around in your duffle bag. When you felt the crunchy texture, you pulled it out, revealing something something that you honestly weren’t expecting.

It was a large pink lollipop, and it was in the shape of a heart.

It was probably as big as your head, and there was a clear, wrapper-like foil around the treat, preserving it for the consumer.

“Where did you get that?” Nagito raised a brow, because it was quite ridiculous how absurdly large this lollipop was. It was a funny sight though, seeing you side to side with with a sweet that could easily cover your whole face.

“I... think someone game this to me?” You thought, smiling a bit at the silliness of the situation.

But your mind wandered... was it the same person who wrote the letter? Then again, you didn’t think it would make sense with someone like him getting, well, this. Especially after writing something so deep and personal. This just kinda seemed incredibly random.

Either way, you started to unwrap the lollipop, wanting to eat some of it, even though you were most likely not going to finish the thing.

Resuming the cat videos, you repositioned the phone between you and Nagito. The boy took a glance, watching as he saw a fluffy white kitten get scared from playing a note on a piano, making him chuckle.

“You wanna watch somethin’ else, Nagi?” You asked Nagito, making him perk up in attentive nature. His smile conveyed so much care for you, as if you were his most prized gift he had ever received in his life.

“I’m bound to enjoy anything you would like, (Y/N)! Please, pick whatever you would like!” Nagito waved his hands, signaling not to worry about him, after all, you were the sad one out of you two for the moment.

“Ok! We’re watching Gordon Ramsay yell at people!” You promptly spoke, grabbing the phone and setting up the Hell’s Kitchen episode.

“Don’t mind me asking, but who is that?” Nagito questioned genuinely, making you gasp in surprise. How?

“He’s one of the best chef’s in the world, but he’s super strict with his employees, so it’s kinda entertaining. You’ll see!” You exclaimed, scooting yourself closer to Nagito, propping up the phone. You leaned into his side, taking a little nibble from your lollipop.

Nagito’s eyes kept on darting from you to the screen, having trouble with containing his emotion with you simply leaning on him to watch a show about...a vulgar-mouthed chef.

“Hm? What’s the matter?” You looked up at him, face inches apart from his. He didn’t respond, too nervous to trust his mouth. Lucky for him, you cut in.

“Oh! You want some?” You stuck the untouched side of the lollipop to Nagito’s mouth.

His brain and heart were on fire, and not a lick of logic was left. He pressed his lips against the candy, and sucked on a small portion.

It was your favorite flavor...he liked it way better than artificial grape soda, by a long shot.

After licking to his satisfaction, Nagito locked his teeth into the part he had been abusing with his mouth, biting off a piece for to-go.

“I need to go to the restroom, ok? I’ll be back.” He said, getting up from his seated position, making his way and entering into the boys bathroom at the end if the hallway.

You don’t know if he knows, but boy, you were blushing up a storm. He literally just gave you an up close and personal presentation on how his tongue did it’s work. Now, you didn’t really care for dirty thoughts, but after witnessing that, you couldn’t help it...

You looked down at the lollipop, now with a small chunk of it gone missing from the main snack. You examined it, and realized something so blatantly obvious, it was embarrassing.

Rapped around the white stick of the lollipop was a piece of yellow paper, and without much thought, you unraveled it.

It was a note, but it was short, and written it blue colored pencil.

. . .

Found this at a candy store, and bought it because you looked sad the last time I saw you. Seeing you sad makes me sad and stuff so yeah. I’m not signing my name here or anything, cuz that would just give away the surprise! But I’ll confess to you properly in person, cuz I’m better at talking. Meet me tomorrow after school, on the roof!

. . .

Huh?

Was this...the same guy? No, no it’s really couldn’t have been. The handwriting was different, the spelling was off, and they seemed a lot more laid back. Also, the author of the letter clearly stated that he was better at conveying is precious feelings by writing, while this one said they were more than happy to spill their own feeling with their voice.

So, you’ve got two secret admirers now...and both of them want to meet at the same place, and the same time.

Maybe this was all just some twisted, elaborate trick by a group of thugs, wanting to lure you in, then gang up on you like street cats when they found a lowly mouse to pray upon.

You’ll never know, unless you sucked it up and went tomorrow.

. . .

Well, there you were, on the roof after school the next day.

No one was there.

The sky was as clear as your blank mind, which you had forced to stop thinking about the world around you, and what you were doing. The breezed tickled your face, as if the wind tried to replicate the feeling of tips of grass grazing on ones cheek.

The only noise was the muffled chattering from students below, creating the perfect background noise to just...relax.

Until you heard yelling.

It was coming from the stairwell that lead up to the roof. You didn’t move a muscle, it was probably just loud, rambunctious students.

But it just kept on going, and going, on and on like a hyper parakeet who had a shot of expresso.

Well, since your admirers haven’t shown their faces for the past fifteen minutes, there’s nothing better right now than to snoop on the possible drama rumbling around in the stairwell. Might make a good story to tell someday, you never know.

You made your way into the stairwell, only to be met with very familiar voices, but you quickly made your presence unknown to them, hiding behind a wall.

“Kokichi! I told you not to not to get yourself involved!” Nagito raised his voice a little, but not to the point where it was just pure anger talking. Kokichi stood, fists balled up in pent up frustration.

“I know you did! And it was stupid that I did, but-“ Kokichi yelled, desperation in his voice.

“Then WHY? You knew I wrote that letter, hell, you were there helping me write the damn thing, but you go and do this?!” Nagito’s heart was the one talking at this point, because you’ve never heard his voice twinge in such genuine emotional pain.

But now you knew who wrote the letter, it was Nagito.

That didn’t sink in as hard as it was supposed to, until-

Wait, Nagito?

“Y-you don’t understand!” Kokichi responded, clenching his teeth from emotional agony.

“I do understand, and I just want to tell you that you’ve went way too far on this sick joke-“

“IT’S NOT A JOKE!” Kokichi cried out, a rasp in his voice becoming evident.

“Then what is it, Kokichi? Spill it. You know how important this is to me, and I don’t like yelling at you.” Nagito was stern, his voice dominating the purple-haired boy.

“Because...I-I...” his voice broke in sadness and so, so much regret. He suddenly huffed, opening his mouth to wallow out.

“B-BECAUSE I LOVE THEM TOO!” Kokichi sobbed. Thick, wet tears rolling down his swollen cheeks. Nagito was shocked, not saying a word. Nagito’s frown deepend because of the wallowing boy in front of him that he cared so much for. Yet, like always, he could never find the words to wrap Kokichi in warmth and apology. The thought made Nagito’s eyes begin to water.

Look what you did, you hurt him, you absolute scum.

“B-but *hic* I-I-I’m s-so *hic* s-selfish...I...” Kokichi hiccuped, trying his absolute best to get his words across.

“I’M SO FUCKING SELFISH, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOO, NAGITO KOMAEDA....y-you b-b-big jerk...” Kokichi wailed, a river of tears poring, falling to the concrete floor; the droplets staining the ground in a darker shade of grey when they landed.

“O-oh my god...K-Kokichi...l-“ Nagito started, hands shaking violently. This was bad, this was really bad.

And you knew that.

So you ran. You ran so fast out of your hiding spot, down to the two people in this world that you cared about the most.

And before you knew it, you harshly brought the both of them into your arms, causing the three of you to to collapse onto the ground.

You let it all out. You bawled into their arms, letting out your cries. Whether it was just from sadness, or of relief, that didn’t matter. You cried, until your eyes went dry, and all of your tears were soaked into the boys’ shirts.

. . .

After a bit, all was silent, except for the breathing of you three all mixing together. Your bodies were intermingled, assuming the best position for comfort and care.

You needed to say something, anything. You needed to tell them, or else everything will fall apart.

“I can’t choose.” You put it simply, the two other boys perked up, tear stains prominently showing on both of their faces.

“(Y/N)...” Nagito mumbled.

“I desperately need the both of you. So badly. I want to love you two so much I want my lips to hurt from kissing you two so much by the end of each day. I want my hands to cramp from holding both of you two’s hands so much.” You proclaimed, letting out everything that has been building up in your heart.

“I want to wake up with the warmth of two. I want to spend my days and nights with all of my love coming from two. And...I want to try each and every new thing life brings me, with the love of two.” You gasped for air, sighing out of your mouth, regulating your breath to its normal pace.

“I understand if you don- mphf!” You were promptly shut.

Kokichi had placed his lips on yours, causing a jolt of passion to ignite your soul. The feeling was delicate and new, but it was incredibly lovely  You promptly kissed back, feeling a joy you’ve never felt before in your life.

The two of you parted with the kiss when the both of you felt soft lips gently peck both of your foreheads. It was as soft as a feather, yet it made the two of you go so incredibly soft.

You and Kokichi looked up to see Nagito, a small smile on his face. One of his hands reached up to your left cheek, while the other hand made its way to Kokichi’s right. He then lovingly dragged his thumbs across both of your cheeks, smile growing wider, while his face became rosy.

“There’s...so much I want to say but...I hope my actions can at least convey how my heart wants to treat the two of you.” Nagito said, his voice dropped, but in a more of a endearing tone than anything. The boy was still smiling like this was the happiest day in his life.

“I think it would be fun if we all had a slumber party as our first date.” Kokichi giggled, nuzzling into Nagito’s long, slender fingers.

“That sounds like fun, I think it would be delightful.” Nagito playfully pinched Kokichi’s cheek lightly, causing Kokichi to giggle, smiling wide.

“But we do have one thing to take care of first...” Nagito glanced over to you, chuckling.

You were fast asleep within the palm of his hand. It made him fall in love all over again, to be honest.

Nagito and Kokichi worked to untangle themselves from your limbs, trying not to wake you. They then promptly proceeded to place you on Nagito’s back, in a comfortable position so you could keep on sleeping soundly.

“You up for taking our little Cutie back to her place?” Kokichi snickered.

“Of course, love. Only if you would accompany me? Nagito stuck out his hand, waiting for the warmth of another.

“You’re lucky I really like you, clover.” Kokichi hastily grabbed his hand, weaving their fingers together.

As they began walking out to the main exit gate, Kokichi spoke.

“You know, I said a lie earlier I didn’t like. I don’t just like you...I actually really love you. The both of you. That’s something I could never lie about.” Kokichi pledged, the evening orange sky bouncing off of his face. Nagito squeezed the shorter males hand lovingly.

“I love you too, Kokichi. And not just you also, but the both of you. My heart will be forever loyal to the two of you until I rest in my own grave, remember that.”

[root-admins]

SINoALICE x NieR Replicant - Weapon Stories

A complete compilation of all weapon stories from SINoALICE’s NieR Replicant collab... well, the ones that has lore to do with NieR anyways.

Whatever grammar mistakes/translation errors belongs to Pokelabo, and you will tell there are some. Most are stories are pretty self-explanatory tho.

Grimoire Weiss

We fought for what seemed like ages. To kill those things that took a twisted human form. To protect those precious to me, with my own hands. We were deceived for so long. Deceived by people in a land we've never been, whose faces we've never seen Issuing orders from a safe distance. We must have been in love. And despite the fact I couldn't save you, but I never got to thank you for saving me. These fragments glimmering deep in my depths... they seem to be the vague memories of people... the faded remnants of human wisdom... H-hold on! I’ll have you know my name is not “Booky Wooky!” You may call me "Grimoire Weiss" I am a great compendium of ancient wisdom. Treat me with respect!

Grimoire Noir

My name is the Black Book. Are you the king who will lead the world to salvation? Don't be so surprised, Your Majesty. For me, it is a simple matter to speak human words. I sympathize with your distress, Your Majesty. On this occasion, however, we have no choice but to let them deal with your sister. When sorrow overtakes you, you may come to me and speak of your tribulations. Reading is an admirable pursuit. Your Majesty--for me?? I shall peruse this volume if it comes on your recommendation... What is that? You think it odd for a book to read a book? Noir? I would prefer to dispense with this nickname. My name, Your Majesty, is the Black Book. I am a grand tome of human wisdom... thus, to refer to me by such a curious moniker is, dare I say, inappropriate.

Kaine’s Sword

She was slender, with smooth, white skin. The hint of a dark shadow in her expression highlighted her beautiful features. But something about the sword in her hand didn't seem to fit the picture. Anger, sorrow, hatred. When emotions overwhelmed her, she would swing the sword, so there was never a lack of blood to quench its thirst. The problem was that she couldn't put the sword down. A heart and body in constant conflict. No one in the world could understand her. And loneliness was eating her alive. The long war came to an end, and darkness devoured her. But her heart remained at peace. Because she faced fate in the arms of the one she loved.

Halua Head

File_25_10: Update Soon twins will be arriving. There is nothing at all in the white-walled, prison-like room except for a white bed. If only there were something to do in there... File_25_12: Update I went to look in on them, and the girl was kindly encouraging her anxious younger brother. The two of them had heavy expectations to fulfill. The weight of all humanity's hope bore down upon them. File_26_06: Update The day of the experiment, the girl passed me a letter. To the very end, she wanted someone to watch over her brother. Once I agreed, she quickly ran away. Report: Human Weapon Development Things seem to be progressing as expected with Experimental Subject A (Sister), but her condition has changed drastically. In her present state, she seems to have no sense of self. I am urgently beginning work on Experimental Subject B (Brother).

Devola & Popola’s Staff

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ Dear Popola, Thanks for that soup recipe! My mom loved it!  －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ A note received from a child in the village. Does this mean they are developing a sense of self? －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ Dear Popola, Thanks to the medicine you gave me, I'm feeling a lot better, though I can't leave home yet. Just sending a note to say thanks. －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ According to our records, humans wrote their feelings down on pieces of paper, and sent them to others. Where did they learn to do such a thing? －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ Dear Popola, I like you a lot. Will you be my girlfriend? Waiting to hear back. －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ I simply cannot understand the things they have written on these scraps of paper. I feel an unfamiliar feeling, my heart saying “no”… －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ Dear Popola, Sorry I couldn't tell you in person, but I'm coming home late tonight. Go ahead and sleep if you're tired. －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ Ah, Devola. No need to worry about me this way. Tee-hee.

Favorite Pot

Yonah, I learned a special recipe! When you eat it, all your injuries will be gone! Oh! I want everyone to feed it to those they care about!

The ingredients are deer meat, sea turtle eggs, fresh veggies and herbs from the garden, and lastly tons of scorpion claws! Next, fill a pot up with all your ingredients, place the top on, and let it simmer overnight! The white steam rising from it is just so mesmerizing. ...Oh! I think it's ready! Smell for a soft scent when you take the lid off. That means it's done! I can't wait to give it to grandpa.

Transience

"Rule 0: You have the right to disband a rule by vote." I am the king's aide and second-in-command. Until now, all rules have be absolute, however, a "Voting Rite" was held where citizens could vote to change rules. Now, let's see what sort of ballots were made...

"Rule 451: Consuming alcohol is forbidden during the daytime." And stated as the reason is: because I like drinking... Because it's anonymous, all these votes are based off selfish desires. We need to improve the system somehow that reflects public opinion.

"Rule 356: Royal inquiries are limited once per day." And stated as the reason is: because I long to be with the King more...? Could this Fyra's vote...? No. Of course not. She's not the type to be interested in love. Moving on...

"Rule 68: The King's aides are to forever serve at his side" Reason being: Thank you for all your hard work. You deserve a break once in awhile... Could this be from the King himself? I'm honored to have stood by your side all these years. And the citizens of this country are proud of your work. There's no doubt of it.

Note: After rigorous deliberation, "Rule 451: Consuming alcohol is forbidden during the daytime", the most voted for rule, was repealed.

Grimoire Weiss ver.1.224

My name is Grimoire Weiss. I am an ancient tome of profound wisdom. After awakening from my long slumber, I traveled the world with my most beloved friends. She was a woman lacking respect for her elders. She'd continuously talk down to me, calling me nothing but paper and even set me aflame. However... Her rash words were also the driving force that moved us all. He was a compassionate and gentle boy who loved his friends. His manor of dress was odd, but his kind words warmed everyone's hearts. This I know to be true. I wonder if he, too had felt any relief from his sins. He was a cheeky guy, but not one you could just leave behind. We've been through a number of rough times together. I'd tell ya about it, but... I'm running out of time. If... If only I had an arm... Then I could have...hugged...him...

Grimoire Rubrum

It's the silk of fate. Knowing you, I shall begin living a life of truth. It's the forbidden fruit. Protecting you, I shall sink into wisdom's abyss. Those are the flames of anxiety. Thinking of you, I shall endure eternity's darkness. That is a reunion of bitter tears. Who are they? Why is it not me who's besides you?

Kaine’s Dual Blades ver.1.224

I craved it. Blind violence and blood-thirsty carnage. And I found it. I finally found it. A vessel stained with anger and hatred, seeking vengeance for the murder of her parents. I possessed that woman and gave her "power." That power turned the woman into a beast. One swing of her blade was enough to cut through stone and her grazes healed in an instant. She began downing every foe before her in the name of vengeance. I was delighted to witness the fruition of my desires. The woman's destruction didn't end there. After having her revenge, she continued to exert her "power" for the sake of her friends. Along her journey, her anger and hatred showed signs of waning, however, I gave it no thought. All I desired was to continue bathing in her bloodshed. Because her body has reached its limit, her power has lost control. Still, in the midst of the clashing of blades, I could feel her desire to protect her friends. Yes, this is the violence and carnage I crave. But why is it deplorable and empty?

Devola & Popola’s Spear

Upon hearing an old lady from the village caught a cold, I immediately collected my medicinal herbs with some boiled water, and rushed out from the library. I nursed her and remained by her side until her symptoms calmed down. She was extremely grateful for it.

I read a picture book to a group of children from the village. It was of an old tale about a brave, courageous man who triumphs over evil. I watched their expressions alternated between joy to sorrow to the story's pacing. I'm glad they enjoyed it.

Devola and I performed a song for the people at the village tavern. In addition to the regulars who drank there, elders and children were part of the audience. At the end of our song, the entire crowd smiled and cheered.

Every day Devola and I have been staying late at the library thinking of a plan to make life easier for the villagers. They're indispensable "vessels" for the project, so we need to do what we can for them.

Letter to the Postman

I was in a dimly lit cabin when I met a kind man. He taught me how to write a letter. What should I write on a blank piece of paper...? ―――――――――――――――――――――――――――― ――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

Apparently, a letter should start off with the name of the person you want to give it to. Of course, I'd want it to be his. I hope he'll be able to read my sloppy handwriting... ―――――――――――――――――――――――――――― 　　Hans ――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

At the end of the letter should be the name of the person who wrote it. Of course, that would be the name he gave me. Is it odd my chest feels warm writing it...? ―――――――――――――――――――――――――――― 　　Hans 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Luiz ――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

And in-between these two names, I'm supposed to write how I feel. And tell him what I want the most. I wonder if he'll be happy to receive this...?

―――――――――――――――――――――――――――― 　　Hans, Thank you　Thank you　Thank you Thank you　Thank you　Thank you　Thank you 　Thank you　Thank you. Luiz ――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

[thebiscuiteternal]

What about like a glimpse of a five-ten years post-canon NHS who has long dropped the Headshaker routine? (also what's your twitter account?)

(@notenoughbrain2 on twitter. warning for unhinged. also this has a character of mine from another fandom! really won't be hard to guess who if you've been around here for awhile. she's mostly here in a cosmetic sense, so you won't need to know her canon.)

__________

The first time Wei Wuxian caught a glimpse of the figure drifting along at Nie-zongzhu's side, he'd brushed it off as a trick of light and shadow.

The second time, he was sure it was some kind of plant yao. With the appearance of lizard-skinned bark and scorched fronds, the woman both looked like and gave off the scent of a forest in the aftermath of a terrible fire.

And Nie Huaisang was chatting with her like they were discussing what to have for lunch.

Hmph. And after he'd been so nice as to warn the man in advance about consorting with evil.

"Lan Zhan, I'm gonna need you to watch over me for a bit, okay? I've found something interesting."

His husband raised an inquiring eyebrow, then changed his mind and shook his head. "Very well."

"You're the best as always!" Wei Wuxian chirped as he kissed Lan Wangji on the cheek, then began setting up the paperman spell.

"-it doesn't skirt as close to demonic cultivation as I would have guessed," was the first thing he heard Nie Huaisang say as he fluttered into a good hiding spot. "Actually, it doesn't seem that different from normal funeral rituals."

"It's mostly built on observation and modification of the things you humans do to preserve souls," the yao woman agreed with a slight nod.

This close, he could see the faint ember glow in her throat and the tendrils of smoke that curled from her mouth as she spoke.

Seemed his earlier thoughts about a forest fire had been closer to the mark than he thought.

As for Nie Huaisang, he was looking over a sheaf of papers and, admittedly, they hadn't crossed paths often in the years since that night at the temple, but the blank, cold expression on the man's face made him uncomfortable.

Nie Huaisang's face wasn't meant to look like that.

"Is it possible to only ferry one soul? Or would you have to take whoever's in the area?"

Souls?

Funeral rituals?

Oh.

He wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that Nie Huaisang was still apparently so desperate to free his brother that he would resort to asking for help from yao, and yet say nothing to him.

Even... though... I hadn't exactly offered an open invitation to do so.

"There are methods to identify souls as 'friendly' or 'enemy', but with what you've described to me about the way those two have become bound to each other, they may not be usable in this case. You may have to accept a both or neither result."

Nie Huaisang sighed and rubbed his eyes, so suddenly and vividly tired that it was clear his previous expression had been yet another mask. "I want my brother to have peace. If that means having to let him go, too... fine. Do it."

"Such a good child," the yao woman teased gently, sweeping branch-like claws over his hair like an auntie or a big sister.

"You're half my age, since when am I the child?" Nie Huaisang asked petulantly, the tiniest of smiles gracing his mouth.

"Because I never was one. Will there be any living attendees I should take into account?"

"The two cousins you met will be there as guards in case anything goes wrong. Jin-zongzhu has expressed a desire to come-"

Jin Ling knew about this?!

"-as an apology for his uncle's actions."

"No one else?"

"The rest of the major and minor sects consider this a personal matter that has nothing to do with them. And Lan Xichen remains a coward. How long will you need to prepare?"

"Based on my test run at that manor you sent me to, three days."

"Take a week. I want this done as soon as possible, but I don't want you hurting yourself for it."

"Such a good child," the yao woman said with a grin full of very sharp teeth. "Then I will meet you in a week."

She didn't leave, or even disappear, really, she was simply gone from one moment to the next, as if he'd blinked her away... even though papermen couldn't blink.

He weighed what he should do next- should he tell-

"Is it so difficult to be around me that you have to resort to spying, now?"

Caught in his own thoughts, he hadn't seen Nie Huaisang move, and he was snatched out of his hiding place before he could react.

In a brief moment of panic, he nearly severed the link, but the brittle, carefully neutral expression stopped him.

It was the same look as when Nie Huaisang walked away from the temple.

Those things I said then... The things I was thinking just before now... I really did hurt him.

"Tch." The crumpling grip on the paperman released, but he remained where he was. "Never mind. But if you try to interfere next week-"

I won't! he wanted to say, but the best he could do was make the paperman shake its head vigorously. How could he do anything else? If the yao woman really could send Chifeng-zun's soul on to reincarnation, preventing that would be-

The paperman shook its head again, then he fled before Nie Huaisang could respond.

They needed to talk.

Actually talk.

[jasperwhitcock]

equinox | chapter 07 –– “a cruel god, a wrathful goddess”

here is chapter six of my bella as a vampire and edward as a human fanfic inspired by an au that @bellasredchevy​​ posted. you can read the new chapter on AO3 or here. i post updates on AO3 or on tumblr using the #equinoxjw tag. but it seems 10/10 times my tag does not work, so that is a fun mystery for me to solve.

oof... sometimes u get distracted and then ur sister gets married and then u get unmotivated & d*pressed and forget to update ur fanfic for over three months... my bad y'all... sorry for the wait hehe. i hope it is worth it. again, i'm so thankful for the comments & i read them all. i get too shy to respond, but i WILL. i just need to talk myself up first. i love u. thank u. hehe. ♡♡♡ merry christmas/happy holidays if i fail u again before the 25th. i WANT to update more frequently. my catchphrase these days is "i'm trying my best," so... i'm trying my best.

this is for the sweet anons who slide into my ask box & ask me questions abt my fanfic. and for taryn, who consistently reminds me that there are people wanting to read this seeing as she is one of those people, kim, who i am so desperate to impress that i began working on a new chapter once she started to read my fanfic, and kae, because without her, this fanfic would never have existed in the first place. i love how i'm writing this as though it's the intro to an actual book when it's literally just chapter seven. ok, i will shut up now so u can read. love u. again.

07 A CRUEL GOD, A WRATHFUL GODDESS

In great contrast to the noisy ambience of the other students in the hallway, we were silent on our walk to our shared biology class. I wondered how conscious Edward was of the stares and whispers focused on our proximity to one another, but my guess was that he was very much conscious of it. I intentionally ignored glancing in any direction that I sensed one of my siblings’ presence, although I figured it was mostly paranoia driving me to feel as though we were about to cross paths. Holding my breath to more easily walk beside Edward left my senses impaired to the ability to pinpoint their location. 

I was lucky that for the majority of my immortal life, I’d managed to escape unwanted attention. But now, it seemed that precious luck had finally run out. Maybe embarrassment had been creeping up on me, maliciously building itself up all these years, waiting until just the right moment to rear its ugly head and exact revenge that immorality had stolen its favorite object of humiliation to torment. But here it was, ensuring that I was finally catching up on feeling awkward and out of step, a feeling I experienced for what seemed like the entirety of my human life. I thought once I’d been changed, I’d never feel this way again, but becoming misaligned with my family made me feel bashful to parade my defiance in their faces. I had operated better under no scrutiny as a mortal and was surprised to realize that that still held true as an immortal as well. Because though there was now never a struggle of staying upright or a risk of tripping over my own feet, that didn’t prevent me from feeling self-conscious as I walked beside Edward. Although for different reasons –– it was too mortifying to consider what my family might make of what my actions suggested about my feelings towards Edward.

And yet still, I would put up with the ridicule and disapproval of my siblings if it meant I could listen to Edward speak his silly philosophical theology, his questioning of god and existence, for just a few more hours. If I were going to be teased over Alice’s visions regardless, I might as well find out what I can about this pretentious boy before I leave him alone forever. If only to understand why his moving to this small town threatened to warp my own future so much. In losing night and in losing death, there were so very little anomalies in the endless amount of time I’d been given. So what would it hurt to allow myself to fixate on this minuscule difference in my life for just awhile?

It could hurt Edward, a more selfless part of myself reminded me. If indulging myself was playing with fire, I was being justly punished with the way flames were efflorescing the inside of my dry, burning throat.

If a god did exist, why would it make sense for such a being to craft someone like Edward with his perceptivity, and send him off to this small town, home to a secret such as ours? If a god did exist, why it would be fair for such a being to craft someone like Edward, someone who tempted me both in bloodlust and in curiosity, and send him off to this small town, home to the very vampire who desperately wished to kill him most? If a god did exist, if our kind had fallen short of heaven, I could understand why sending Edward into our path –– and more specifically, my path –– could be some kind of punishment. But what I couldn’t understand is why a god would allow someone as innocent as Edward to be endangered for the sake of bringing a sinful, undead creature to justice. It seemed the only reasonable explanation would be that a god probably did not exist. 

And how could there be? I was on the precipice of falling into temptation with every step further in the hallway and every question he asked and answered. I could never not be very much aware of the fact –– especially now with his body merely inches from my side and his sweet fragrance blooming both deliciously and relentlessly in the air. And even as I impossibly withstood the lure of his blood, how was I meant to ignore the irresistibility of his mind and how inexplicably concerned I was to understand it? It seemed like a very cruel experiment of free will and knowledge –– far too cruel to allow much room for the kind of god Edward hoped for.

I frowned as I realized that this experiment wasn’t that of a cruel god’s but that of a cruel vampire, and I felt very much like a vampire as the sound of his heartbeat was so appealing that it made my mouth water.

“Do the stares bother you?” Edward spoke quietly to me as we weaved throughout the hallway. Easily distracted, his question was able to pull the more civilized parts of myself together, though this was probably also in thanks to my choosing not to utilize my sense of smell. I found it funny that at least one of his thoughts had been in a similar vicinity. But of course, the rest of his thoughts were probably free of all consuming agony and struggle. For all his curiosity about morality, to inflict this existence upon him would probably devour him in misery. At least as a human, despite whatever conclusions he may come to, there was still some hope to be had for an afterlife. This thought should have been dark and depressing, but because it made Alice’s vision seem like a complete hoax, I almost found it funny. How would Edward ever end up like me?

“Oh, no,” I swallowed the venom in my mouth. “I live for attention.” I watched from the corner of my eyes as his gaze flickered over to me, the ever present half smile appearing on his face at my joke. My answer came out so comfortably as though I was used to this, when in reality, the student body for the most part had grown accustomed to ignoring me. And, of course, there was nothing comfortable about the demanding, aching dryness in my mouth or the burning in my nostrils. “How about you?”

“Likewise,” he joked, laughing. “This is interesting –– their fascination. I understood their interest on my first day because I’d guess a new addition to the student body in a town this small is something of a rarity, but today, walking by your side is garnering even more attention. Is it a once in a lifetime opportunity to have Bella Cullen walk you to class?”

“You’re just so observant, aren’t you?” I rolled my eyes, though the corners of my mouths pulled up despite myself. “And I’m not walking you to class. I’m walking to a class I just so happen to share with you, so don’t get the wrong idea. I think they’re just surprised because they’re probably under the impression that I don’t play nice with others.”

“And do you?”

“You tell me,” I replied, pausing to face him beside a wall of lockers next to the entrance of our biology classroom. As he stopped beside me, a gust of air from a passing student walking hastily down the hallway sent his scent reeling into me at an unfortunate moment where I’d chosen to breathe in. My muscles tensed to spring, and I desperately anchored myself to the floor as my mind fell into disarray.

“Nicely enough,” Edward winked naturally as though we’d been the best of friends since his first day. The demanding thirst was intruding on my awareness, and the desperation for something wet and hot and delicious in my desiccated throat was so dizzying that his voice sounded as though it were underwater. With an effort as though I were swimming through drying cement, I resurfaced, just barely proving my dominion over the desire. I focused on his voice so that it’d become clearer, forcing myself to take another excruciating breath in and exhale the fire out. “I will say I am honored to be the exception –– to be plucked from the masses by the renowned, reclusive Bella Cullen.”

With torturous effort, I snorted as though I wasn’t fighting everything within me to keep him alive. I breathed in again heavily, allowing my body to become a pyre so that I could speak. “Alright, that’s enough. Stop saying my name like that. And you’ve lost the privilege. I am never walking you to class again,” I rolled my eyes even though my joke could very much be the truth. The bunching of my muscles, the twitching of my hands, and the fierce pain in my throat reminded me of the fact. Before he could point out the contradiction of what I’d previously clarified, I sighed. “Let’s take this quiz.”

His pretty green eyes were alive with mischief and enlightened with what must be more answers to questions he hadn’t outright asked me as he turned to enter the classroom. I followed behind him towards our shared table.

Air from the vent rushed out, thrusting the scent of his blood wafting into my face again. I paused for an indistinguishable moment as I battled agony, murderousness, monstrosity. Holy fuck. What was I trying to prove! Was it really worth this? Swallowing hard, I sat beside him as though nothing happened. My suffering was so great that Emmett could have brutally ripped my arm off, he could have beat me with it, and I wouldn’t have noticed nor felt a thing. I could have been set on fire, and it’d feel like sinking into a cool pool of water on an even cooler day. I was already burning alive, my body acting as a furnace, and I was imprisoned inside it.

Without intending to, I sighed aloud, exhaling as though it would smother the flames. It was a stupid, attention seeking thing to do. Humans sighed to expel air or express some sadness or relief or exhaustion, so when my family emitted an audible breath, we did so as a means of blending in. But to breath out in a way to clue Edward into the fact something was plaguing me… it was a stupid invitation for more questions. And these were questions I had no intention of sharing the answers to. I felt his eyes on me, but before he could say anything, Mr. Molina began passing out quizzes face down on our lab tables as students continued to pile in from lunch.

“Alright, class. Today we have a pop quiz–– oh, come on, guys, don’t groan. You will have the opportunity to make corrections after these have been graded. This is just an assessment of what you’ve retained from this unit so far. You will have the entire period to complete–– thanks for joining us, Mr. Patterson, glad you could fit my class into your busy schedule. Why don’t you take your seat? –– You will have the entire period to complete your quiz. If you finish early, feel free to get a head start on this weekend’s homework! I’ve written the reading down on the board. Aw, I’m sure you’re all moaning because you’re disappointed at how light of an assignment it is because I just know how very excited you all are to continue your passionate pursuit of studying biology. Alright, now that everyone’s settled–– wait a minute––”  Mr. Molina paused, raising his pointer finger in the air, his eyes squinted in anticipation. Three seconds later, the bell signaled the beginning of class. “Begin!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward reluctantly turn away from me. In an elegant script, he wrote his name at the top of the paper and began his quiz. I turned away from him to look at my own paper, preparing myself to uncomfortably hold my breath for the next hour. The difference this made in my thirst was almost insignificant, but enough so that it gave me a tiny more leverage in my control. I smoothed out the pucker on my forehead with the eraser from my pencil, accidentally snapping the rubber off against my face. 

Absentmindedly, I began to breeze through the assessment, circling the correct answers, but my mind was more absorbed in the warmth of sitting beside Edward. Aside from the affliction of doing so, it was too pleasurable to have sat beside him so often and for so long today. I enjoyed the toastiness like a lizard basking in the sun. It made me recall the muddy human memory of laying out on a blanket in my backyard beneath my beloved blue Arizona sky, hiding beneath the small shade of a book. Not the blistering heat of a summertime Phoenix sun, but the warmth of the first day of spring. But the heat of Edward’s body alone was enough to fill my mouth with venom, so I tried to refocus my attention onto my quiz.

When I turned to the last page of questions, a motion beside me diverted my concentration once again. I peeked over, turning my head slightly in Edward’s direction to see what it was. As he thought over one of the questions, his right hand was moving peculiarly as he lifted and dropped down his long fingers almost as though he were impatiently tapping each digit one by one along the tabletop. Except the movement was more exact and calculatingly random. Engrossed, I watched as his his soft, fragile skin rippled over the muscle, the tendons appearing and disappearing with every bizarre movement. It took me a moment to make the connection between the large grand piano in his home and the motion of his hands. I realized he was miming piano movements while he thought through his answers. There was something both weird, funny, and endearing about this. I smiled to myself, not having the required oxygen to quietly laugh.

I felt his curious eyes flicker over to me and watched peripherally as he raised his eyebrows. I shook my head, biting down on my lip to unsuccessfully fight the smile, and returned to completing my quiz.

I finished a moment later and impatiently waited another ten minutes or so before I could turn in my work. I tried to ignore Edward for this small period of time at least, mentally reading myself the opening chapter to Wuthering Heights. Even though the words were committed to my memory, it was still never as good as actually reading from the book itself.

Once I’d decided an appropriate enough time had passed, I stood up to walk my quiz to the completed basket on Mr. Molina’s desk. Even having waited, I was still the first to finish the examination.

“Thank you,” the teacher whispered without breaking his focus away from the crossword puzzle he peered through his glasses at. I breathed in now that I’d placed some distance between myself and Edward, gladly facing the cool, fresh air from the vent.

“Neophyte,” I whispered back now that I’d replenished my oxygen supply.

“Excuse me?” He glanced up, his slightly aged face confused.

“Neophyte,” I repeated. “Eight across, two down.”

I took in one last clean breath and walked back to my seat as he tapped his pen across the squares of the space, mouthing his count of the letters to check if the word fit.

As soon as I took my place in my seat again, Edward stood up to walk his own quiz to the basket.

I wanted to watch him, but instead I forced myself to unzip my backpack and retrieve the biology textbook.

Busying myself with the assigned chapters, deciding to actually read them so as to not feed into my invasive Edward obsession, I couldn’t help but listen as Edward too placed his own textbook on the countertop.

I heard the scribble of pen on paper as he began to write what I imagined were notes until his large hand slid the paper over to me beneath the wall of my hair spilling over the desk. Well, I wouldn’t ignore him if he was the one deciding to bother me.

You know I’m pretty certain that cheating is a violation of the student handbook, but I’ll let you get away with it just this once.

I turned to glance at his face to see if he were serious. His eyes were warm and inviting, his mouth in the same crooked smile.

I took the piece of paper and looked around for my writing utensil that had gone missing somehow. My eyes zeroed in on a suspicious, tiny pile of wood dust on my side of the desk. When had I brutalized my pencil? He held his hand out to offer his own pen, and I accepted it, carefully plucking it from his fingers without making contact.

I wasn’t cheating. You were doing something funny. And what do you know about the student handbook? You’re new.

I slid the paper and pen back to him and watched as he combed a hand through his bronze hair, reading my response. The smile grew wider as he construed the biting tone of my note. 

Can I be let in on the joke? Edward wrote, turning to look at me once he was done. Again I was prisoner, though this time not to my own body. I was momentarily held hostage by the beauty and warmth of his light green eyes. I was understanding more and more the attraction the other students had for him. If I had a soul, it was as though he were staring straight into it.

I recovered, placing my hand atop the desk and then wiggling my fingers as though I were weaving my way through a very complicated piano piece.

Oh, Edward mouthed, immediately understanding. He silently laughed and placed his left hand to his forehead briefly as if to hide his face in mock embarrassment. The ink from the pen spilled onto the paper as he began to write again.

In my defense, there’s research that supports classical music puts students in a heightened emotional state, making them more receptive to information and helping them focus.

That’s very nerdy of you. I scribbled back, the corners of my lips pulled upwards.

I know. As I read the words on the notebook paper, we both laughed a little too loudly for the quietness of the room.

“Please remain silent for your classmates still working,” Mr. Molina stage-whispered from his desk, his eyes still fixated on the crossword puzzle.

It’s a bad habit. Edward tacked on to his message. I beamed. I knew a thing or two about bad habits today. I was appreciative of this silent conversation on paper; it made it easier to be beside him without needing to breathe to speak aloud.

What were you playing? I scrawled.

Clair de Lune. Edward wrote back. His thick eyebrows raised as my eyes lit up, and he continued writing. You know Debussy?

My mother used to play a lot of classical music around the house. It was one of my favorites.

It’s one of my favorites, too. Edward’s eyes were a little sad and lost in thought, and he smiled softly.

I was shocked by the change in expression and weirdly desperate to return the brightness back to his eyes. The burn in my throat was almost forgettable in the face of my concern. Almost, but not quite. He turned his head down to write on the paper again.

You said Rosalie played piano. You never learned? He turned to look at me, his expression curious. I shook my head and shrugged, reaching for the pen.

I didn’t think I had the coordination for it. While this was true for the time I was human, it wasn’t true now. Still, even though my days stretched into endless nights, I hadn’t yet devoted time to any instrument as an immortal.

Edward read the paper, his long pointer finger tracing the line beneath the words as he did so. He held his large hand out, and I dropped the pen into it.

I’ll show you sometime. Edward half smiled at me, his eyes sweet and earnest.

Knowing I shouldn’t be allowing him to think making a plans with me was an option, I reached for the pen to tell him that it was alright, but I froze as he suddenly moved to drop the pen and take my hand. Though he should have been the one hesitant and cautious as though approaching a dangerous, wounded animal, I held perfectly still as though he were the danger, and I needed to play dead for protection. You can’t play dead if you are dead, I thought to myself. 

My body tensed as my hand was enveloped in the heat of his much larger palm, uncertain as to what he was doing. My muscles screamed at me as I clenched my free hand into a tight fist, terrified of myself.

A shiver rippled through him as he felt the chill of my frozen fingers, and I twitched the hand in his possession, wanting to yank it away to protect him from the iciness but not wanting to alert him with the swiftness of the motion.

He smiled mysteriously at the spasm as though he somehow expected it. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking but didn’t want to risk breathing. My control could too easily be lost. Besides, I was scared that if I were to open my mouth, I’d end up screaming.

I felt him push slightly and realized he wished for me to curl my fingers, so with great concentration and the acute awareness of his fragility, I moved my stony hand into the shape he directed, my fingers curved slightly beneath his like a relaxed talon. I didn’t like the shape; it was odd and inhuman and made me think of the violence I could cause.

But it wasn’t a claw. Because once my hand was positioned the way he wanted, he began to slowly place pressure on my fingers, and I dipped and rose them accordingly to carefully move with his. I watched as the two of our hands together played what I imagined must be the opening chords to Clair de Lune.

The disconcerting emptiness in my chest soared at the bizarre pleasure of this touch, and a weird sensation tickled my scalp, moving swiftly down my spine to my entire body. 

My muscles tightened violently and then relaxed, sending a shiver to ripple through me. It was too much pleasure and too much pain as my throat ached and I leaned into the warmth.

Embarrassed and not wanting to push my luck, I cautiously pulled my hand slowly away. He lifted his hand to allow me to escape as though I couldn’t just break his hand to do so, a half-smile pulling on his lips. I pretended not to notice the goosebumps on his arms.

See? he mouthed before deciding to whisper. “You could do it.”

I forced myself to smile and then turned away for the rest of the hour, trying to keep from doing anything stupid like looking at him or killing him. I’d completely forgotten where we were.

When the bell finally rung, I collected my things atop the desk hastily. Edward reached for my backpack and held it up for me.

“Thanks,” I murmured as I dumped my books into the bag. Before I could take it from him, he slid it onto his back and nodded his head once for me to go forward.

Feeling awkward, I turned and allowed him to follow me to the door. I was lucky to walk in front of him, taking the opportunity to breath again as the vent blew out in front of my face.

Exiting the classroom, I paused for a second when I saw Emmett waiting for me across the hallway rather than his typical spot beside the wall of lockers next to our shared Spanish classroom. Even though I was well aware of the fact I’d been dangling my irresponsibility in their faces all day, I still felt as though I was being caught in the act.

Emmett’s eyebrows raised as his golden eyes watched Edward follow behind me, carrying my backpack. I crossed the hallway reluctantly towards my big brother.

“Hello,” I greeted him, avoiding his eyes. I felt smaller than ever beside him with my head down, and yet not small enough as I wished to disappear.

“Hey, little sis,” Emmett began uncertainly, though I glanced up to see his full lips were beginning to stretch into a smile that I didn’t like. “Who’s that with you?”

“Uh…”

“I’m Edward Masen,” the lanky human boy introduced himself confidently as he stopped beside me. “And you must be––”

“Emmett,” my brother interrupted, grinning as though he always so comfortably interacted with humans. This was all too weird, but he looked to be enjoying it far too much. His desire to mess with me and his confidence in Alice’s visions seemed to override the abnormality of speaking to a student so amicably. I watched as he breathed in and shot me a meaningful look. I grimaced.

I opened my mouth to put an end to this torturously awkward interaction, but Emmett interrupted again.

“It’s nice to see you made a friend,” he began, an evil glint in his eyes as he watched my face. I was confused as to where he was going with this because our entire family would come across as misanthropic to the rest of the school, so why should it matter to him. He turned his attention to look at Edward who was closer in height to him. “You know, we worry about her––”

“Okay, let’s go to Spanish,” I cut him off quickly. “Edward, can I have my bag, please?”

Without looking at him, I reached for my backpack as he offered it and threw it over my shoulder, heading down the hallway. It was a massive relief to put some distance between myself and Edward. My thoughts were clearer, and I could breathe freely.

Emmett burst into laughter, his guffaws booming in the hallway. Several students paused in fear making me concerned about Edward’s reaction to my giant of a sibling, but I relaxed when I heard Edward chuckling along with him.

“Um, see you,” Emmett said to Edward before his steady, near silent footfall followed after me.

Even moving at a lethargic human pace, he caught up to me quickly.

“That wasn’t funny,” I grumbled.

“What the hell are you doing?” Emmett chuckled, ignoring my question.

“What the hell are you doing? What was that back there?”

“I don’t know. That was weird, but not as weird as you playing with your food.”

I hissed quietly.

“Damn, I’m kidding, Bells. But seriously, what are you doing? What happened to your high and noble speech about doing the right thing and staying away from the kid? I thought Esme was about to produce real tears. It even softened Rose.”

“Ugh, don’t talk to me about Rosalie right now. She’s been giving me dirty looks all day. It makes me feel awful. I already feel bad!”

“Well, I don’t really care what you do either way so––” I looked at him questionably. “I mean, sure, I want you to do the right thing, whatever that means. I don’t want you to feel miserable. But on one end, I didn’t really mind so much what happened to me.”

“Rosalie did,” I countered.

“Yeah, Rose did,” he acquiesced quietly.

“Anyways, I’m not having that conversation. I wasn’t talking to him today to test whether or not he’s worth it. That’s… unethical.”

“So what were you doing?”

“I don’t know,” I groaned in answer.

Emmett laughed.

“You’re weird these days, Bella.”

“You’re weird everyday,” I quipped back before sighing. “I don’t know. He’s weird, too. I guess… I’m not making any decisions, at all, but if Alice told you what she told me… wouldn’t you be curious?”

Emmett thought it over. “Yeah, I think so. But I also don’t think I’d have even made it to this point,” he admitted. I winced.

“It’s kind of unfair for me to care more about satiating my curiosity and dance with the devil this way, right?”

“Well…he may not know it, but isn’t it more so that Edward’s the one dancing with the devil?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, frowning as we walked into our Spanish class. “I guess it is.”

I made the decision to avoid thinking of Edward for the remaining hour of school. I paid very little attention in Spanish, returning to the familiar mind-numbing boredom that classes had been prior to the last few days. Now that it was in stark contrast to the sudden life breathed into my time at Forks High School by my fixation with Edward, the tedium was no longer something dealt with indifferently and sluggishly. Now, it left me feeling restless, and it almost pained me how laborious it was to sit through a life I wasn’t an active participant in. It was nowhere near the pain of dealing with the excruciating thirst I had around my bronze-haired lab partner, but it almost tampered with my thoughts more knowing I’d feel less miserable if I spent this time analyzing every word Edward shared with me, every fluctuation of his tone, every glint in his perceptive eyes, every expression on his pretty face… But I was becoming too obsessive. The same hunger for adventure that made me fall in love with reading must be what was leading me to so treacherously, so impetuously dive into exploring this insignificant and yet cataclysmic difference in my life.

As though it had a personal vendetta against me, time moved even more lethargically than it ever had before, but finally, the bell signaling the end of school rang. Emmett’s eyes shot a concerned look at me as I rose from my seat too quickly, and I immediately felt embarrassed again. The cautious reminder in his expression made me feel childish as Emmett was never one to care much about bending the rules. 

“See you at home, I guess,” he shook his head, giving me one last look that seemed to suggest I’d lost it.

“See you,” I mumbled, slinging my bag over my shoulder. Leaving Emmett behind to wait for Rosalie, I weaved through the crowded hallway and out to the parking lot. Students were bundling together and squealing at the chilling air as tiny, fluffy snowflakes fluttered down from the overcast sky. The floor of the parking lot was almost as glassy as yesterday as the rain from this afternoon had melted into a thin layer of icy mush. Though there was hardly enough snow for a decent snowball fight, some of the rowdier students were bundling up a pitiful pile of snow to form pathetic snowballs in their fists.

I nearly skipped to the pearly white vehicle parked beside Rosalie’s overly conspicuous crimson car which was forming a small crowd of admirers. Leaning against the trunk of the car, I watched the front doors of the school to look for Edward.

The tangle of reddish-brown hair was easy to spot because of its strange metallic tint as he strolled out of the building with Naomi, the student who’d provided him with the information about my family on his first day. He had his coat folded over his arm, revealing how form fitting his light tan turtleneck was. He truly was a very attractive boy. It was odd that I hadn’t really paid much attention initially. With his dazzling face and tall, lean frame, Edward was pretty enough that for the vampires who searched for exquisitely beautiful humans to create into even more stunning immortals, he could probably be a contender for someone to collect.

Thinking of how Emmett questioned my motives today, I quickly banished the idea of Edward as an immortal from my mind, even if it was only a hypothetical inspired by my observation.

Edward paused, asking Naomi if she could hold on to his backpack for a moment. When she grabbed it, he pulled on his long black coat, and fiddled with the collar. Recollecting his backpack, he slid it onto one shoulder, then rubbed his hands together, blowing the warm air from his mouth to heat them up. Thinking of the sweetness of the smell of his breath made me remember to take in swallows of fresh air before he made his way over to me.

As he was distracted momentarily, I watched as a stray snowball flew towards Edward’s head. I was overcome with the urge to intercept it in the event it may hit him too harshly and knock him to the pavement, but flying across the parking lot inhumanly fast twice in one week was probably not the way to go about correcting my mistakes.

The soggy snowball crashed into Edward’s hair, exploding into shards of ice and water that slid down his prominent cheekbone. I laughed aloud at his shocked expression as the curtain bangs framing his face were immediately drenched, darkening his hair into a brown color. Once he’d realized what happened, his face broke into a good-humored smile.

“Holy shit! Sorry, Edward!” The classmate who had thrown the snowball with poor aim called out.

“No worries!” Edward called back. He shook his head, chuckling as he wiped the water from his face. As he laughed, his eyes found the space where I waited and brightened seeing that I, too, was enjoying the moment.

“Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he told Naomi, who was too beside herself in tears of laughter to reply.

Edward sauntered over towards me, and I inhaled deeply as a fortuitous whisper of wind blew from the tree line. I held onto the notes of crisp eucalyptus, fresh snow, and cedar wood, trying to distract my mind from the offensively mouthwatering scents approaching me.

Edward was a coordinated human, but even he lost his footing on the icy pavement. His body slid forward for a moment, but I stepped towards him to close the space between us and caught him by the elbow.

He looked up from his boots against the frozen parking lot into my eyes, startled momentarily at the swiftness in which I had appeared. Then, his full lips lifted into a crooked smile that creased his astonishing green eyes into half moons. I let go immediately and took a big step back to ensure a safer distance between myself and the warmth of his fragile body. It had been a risky movement, but somehow in comparison to yesterday, it didn’t seem to matter as much. I figured our classmates were too involved in their gawking at the details of my sister’s car or their feeble, slushy snowball fight to notice, and oddly, I didn’t care that Edward had seen. It was beginning to feel too late to keep up certain pretenses.

Although, it wasn’t too late, and it shouldn’t feel that way. I reminded myself I still had every intention of leaving Edward alone once I’d figured out what was so compelling about our paths crossing that had Alice’s visions spiraling in a confusing jumble. I took another step back slowly.

“Thank you,” Edward said, his eyes humored with another secret he didn’t seem willing to share. “You keep saving me.”

“Well, let’s not make this damsel in distress thing habitual,” I snorted, turning so that he couldn’t see the smile forming on my face. I felt shy about showcasing any comfort or happiness in his presence now that I was reminded of how fleeting this experimental friendship was, but I wondered if subconsciously I wanted him to catch me in my misery and ask me to explain, though I wasn’t certain why I wanted to sabotage myself like that. I opened my door and turned to look at him again. “You coming?”

Before he could answer, I dipped into the driver’s seat, and breathed in one last time. Well, once this was all over, I could finally stop inhaling dramatically as though they were truly my last, dying breaths. The air was mostly clean of his scent, but I knew that regardless, the heat of his body would be enough to disrupt my comfort and control. As the thought crossed my mind, I painfully swallowed back the venom pooling beneath my tongue.

Edward swerved through the crowd obsessing over Rosalie’s car and opened the passenger door, sliding into his seat. As he placed his backpack on the floor and fiddled with his seatbelt, I made sure to adjust the air conditioning so that the heat could warm Edward from the frigid Forks air. Though for me, just being in his presence made the intimate interior of the car feel as though I were again sitting by his fireplace.

“That’s a beautiful car,” he murmured. “Is it an M8?”

“Uh, it’s a BMW?” I asked uncertainly as though he’d spoken another language.

Edward grinned as though he wanted to laugh but didn’t want to make me angry. Rosalie would have loved to answer all his questions if he too had an interest in cars. Would have loved to, if she wasn’t deeply offended by my actions or if I had any intention of Edward meeting any more of my family members.

“Ready?” I bit my lip as I forced out any inconsiderate plots of murder that threatened to distract me from being a defensive driver.

“Mhm,” Edward answered.

I reversed out of the parking slot slowly, but as I looked in the rearview once I’d straightened out, I saw the fleeting image of Rosalie’s exquisitely beautiful and exceptionally angry face. I quickly readjusted the mirror to remove my sister’s reflection and sped out of the parking lot in a way that could have taken out a few unlucky students if I didn’t have above average years of driving experience.

Peripherally, I watched as Edward’s thick eyebrows raised, but he decided not to question me. Once we’d reached the main road, I slowed my speed so as not to rush through this time, even though I knew for his safety and my sanity, I should. As I drove, his right hand moved in odd shapes again against the arm rest of the passenger side door as though he were playing piano once more.

I decided to bite and use up some of my limited air supply.

“What are you playing?”

“Clair de Lune again,” he replied. Then, he began to hum the melody aloud for me as he moved his hand.

I thought to offer to play the song for him through the speakers, but I decided against it as I listened to Edward’s soft, velvety voice hum beautifully through the song, breaking the silence.

The ugly, slush-like falling of snow transformed into a falling of rainwater, and Edward’s voice was orchestrated by a lovely symphony of raindrops.

Before his voice could weave into the more involved moments of the piece, Edward stopped.

I looked over at him, curious for the reason as to why. His face was turned away from me so that all I could see was his untidy bronze hair as he gazed out the window. I pulled in front of his driveway and parked against the curb.

Miraculously, I’d made it again. Carefully, I inhaled through my nose to experiment with my control. The sweet bouquet of the boy’s blood was potent and even more mouthwatering than usual from the snow turned rain that’d wet his hair. I hadn’t considered the possibility that he could smell better than before, and I kept myself from groaning aloud as I dug my nails into my own palms. The tingling sensation in my nose was as though I’d sniffed some powerful chemical, the burning sensation in my throat as though I’d taken a long drag of a cigarette. But more painful. More demanding. Desire, need flew from my core out towards my extremities, and the beating of his heart pumping the blood through his body drummed loudly in my ears. It seemed to move through me, my frigid body almost twitching with every pulse, ready to lunge forward and crush his neck to my lips.

“What was your mother like?” He asked me suddenly, his voice soft. Edward turned from the window to face me, and I was bewildered by the intensity of his expression. His eyes were light and beautiful against the gloomy grey of the sky, and they squinted slightly as though studying my face like this information was absolutely essential. But this was not what stunned me, as I’d already seen the severity of this expression before in our ephemeral time together. It was the unexpected vulnerability of his stunning face. The more time I spent looking at him, the more I realized how beautiful this human boy really was. And it seemed a great tragedy for this beautiful boy to harbor such devastation in his eyes.

Whereas previously in his presence, my thoughts had become incoherent due to a lapse in control, now my thoughts were incoherent in distress and desperation to understand what had gone wrong and how I could fix it. I was momentarily dumbfounded, but I pulled myself together after the soft sound of a few droplets of rain against the roof reminded me that he was waiting for an answer.

“Well, she looked a lot like me, but prettier,” I began stupidly. He raised his eyebrows. “Or at least, she used to look a lot like me, and I used to look a lot like her. I don’t so much anymore.” It’d been so long since I’d really spoken about my mom, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I knew I should have made some comment about whether or not she looked like Esme or Emmett since our story made us siblings, but I didn’t want to taint the rarity of sharing who she was with a lie.

“She was more outgoing than I am,” I continued, thinking through the foggy memories I held onto from my human life.

“That’s difficult to believe,” Edward teased quietly, his lips curving into a half smile.

I laughed, listening to the melodic sound of it, thinking of how it symbolized how very much different I was now from the human girl my mother knew.

“I was always very shy,” I smiled, before speaking up again, caught in the echoes of my past. “She was brave and irresponsible and slightly eccentric. And she was a very unpredictable cook!”

I laughed aloud again thinking of some minor explosions in our tiny kitchen and some questionable dishes. Edward laughed too, but when our laughter faded into the falling of the rain, my smile faded.

“She wasn’t perfect,” I admitted. “I think I recognize now that she was very fallible. I worshipped her when I was younger, but when I think back, I do see how in some of the ways she raised me, I was done a disservice… I grew up too fast. When she died––“ I sighed, feeling insincere and guilty about perpetuating this lie when I really should have said when I died, “––Esme became more of a mother to me, and even Rosalie’s been more traditionally nurturing than my mom ever was… But still, she was my best friend.”

“You miss her,” he murmured simply. I met his gentle eyes.

“Yes,” I bit my lip.

“How old are you, Bella?” Edward asked. “And not the formulaic, theorized version where you were born in your thirties. How old are you really?”

I tensed, wondering if he was asking this again because he’d taken note of how I didn’t directly answer this question the last time he asked.

“Seventeen,” I answered automatically.

“You don’t seem seventeen,” he responded, reproachful.

The tension left my body at the tone of his voice. I smiled again easily.

“Sorry?” I asked, biting my lip to hide the smile, unsure of how to respond.

Edward chuckled and the subtle crinkles by his eyes lit up his face. “Well, I wish you’d been given a happier, normal childhood.”

“I’m fine,” I shrugged, brushing it off. “I hardly remember most of it, and what I do remember reminds me that I probably didn’t have much chance at a normal childhood to begin with. I was terribly shy, remember.

“I did do girl scouts, though….Oh, and ballet briefly,” I admitted, unsure as to why I was volunteering so much information about myself. Wasn’t the purpose of me sitting here to uncover information about him?

“Why does that make you… embarrassed?” Edward’s eyebrows pulled up.

For an odd moment, I felt betrayed by the flush of my cheeks before I realized there was no blood rushing to my face. I blinked, bewildered by the peculiarity of this long buried instinct to become frustrated with my easy blushes when I hadn’t blushed for years. I felt self conscious as I wondered what Edward saw reading my expression to so perfectly decipher my feelings.

“I was very uncoordinated,” I dismissed his question as I fought the urge for my hand to flutter to touch my cool cheek.

“Now that truly is difficult to believe,” Edward half-smiled. “I can’t imagine I’ve seen anyone as graceful as you.”

I laughed aloud at his compliment, though I didn’t doubt his sincerity. I knew this was true of myself. It was true of all of our kind to appear fluid and effortless, but still, no one had ever applied the word to me. My vampiric poise was irrelevant and unimpressive to my family, and the very few humans brave enough to overcome their nerves to compliment me typically found their words to fail them.

“You’re very odd,” I beamed.

“What do you mean?” The bronze-haired boy asked, again wanting to be let in on the secret. While I had an insatiable thirst, it seemed he had an insatiable curiosity.

“How old are you really? Your word choice is bizarre for someone your age, you know.”

“Oh,” he laughed easily. “Well, I’m actually not seventeen. I’m eighteen. But I’ll try to strictly adhere to a more teenage vernacular, so I can compliment you in a more acceptable way from now on.”

I looked out at the dim light of the brewing storm, my smile fading as I decided that I should probably allow him to escape me before I did something I’d regret. But I knew I wasn’t resolved enough to completely leave him alone. He made me monopolize too much of the conversation, and I wasn’t satisfied with what I knew about him yet.

I sighed aloud, and Edward, too, looked out at the rain darkened sky.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” he asked hopefully, making the assumption that our conversation was coming to an end.

“Yes,” I promised reluctantly. My eyes flickered back over to his pretty face, studying the lines of his strong jaw, his chiseled cheekbones, his full lips, committing this inconsequential face to memory as I silently resolved that this should be –– and would be –– one of the last times I’d allow myself to be this close to him. Tomorrow may well be the very last.

Likewise, as though his thoughts were in the same vein, his beautiful green eyes studied my face as well, though he did so in that mysterious way of his where he looked at me as though hoping to read my mind.

He sighed, then collected his backpack. Edward opened the door, stepping out into the bitterly cold weather. A shiver ran through his lanky body, making my body tense with perverse excitement. I cringed away from the deadly instinct and swallowed against the dryness of my yearning throat.

Edward’s tall, lean frame leaned down to peek into the car.

“Goodnight, Bella,” he spoke softly.

“Goodnight, Edward,” I almost whispered, gazing into the beauty of his dazzling green eyes.

Edward smiled his half smile, and closed the door, escaping into the building torrent of rain.

I gasped in relief at his absence, then stiffened realizing how the cab of the car was still heavily perfumed with his scent. I took in another deep breath, forcing myself to confront the burning thirst again, willing myself to manage it. I sighed as I hit the gas, making Edward disappear behind me.

  Both my control and the rain pour strengthened significantly as I turned onto the long drive leading to my house. I grimaced as I wondered how I’d face my family and explain the complete reversal of what I’d promised to do. I didn’t have time to consider for much longer as suddenly, a figure appeared instantaneously in the drive. I slammed my foot on the brake immediately in shock at its appearance, not wanting to total yet another car against one of my siblings.

I peered through the windshield, unable to see through the complete downpour that submerged my vehicle as though it were underwater. It was annoying for my perfect sight to be obstructed by anything, rainwater or even the transparent windshield because of my eyes’ desire to focus on the microscopic scratches.

The car violently screeched against the muddy pavement, and it looked as though we would have to bid this car goodbye until the figure hidden by the storm placed their hands out on the car roughly and forced it to a stop. The tires screamed in protest, and the metal groaned as it warped into the shape of the palms. I listened as it unnaturally bent again in a piercing moan as the figure fixed the indentions they’d created.

My windshield wipers swatted away a flood of water. Finally, I could make out my sister Rosalie, her hair dripping wet down her back like a supermodel who’d just emerged from a pool on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Her exquisite face was absolutely furious.

I gulped, feeling like a child who’d just been discovered sneaking home past curfew.

I felt uncertain as to what to do and why she’d chosen to stop me here. Surely she could wait for us to be under the cover of the garage before she chastised me. Not wanting to be drenched by the rain, I revved the engine to ask her to move aside, but the car didn’t inch forward against her strength. Beginning to feel annoyed, I revved the engine again loudly and for longer, but still, she didn’t move.

“Rose,” I hissed as I hit the brake again so that the car could roar viciously in the storm, only to be cut off by the voice of my adopted mother.

“Girls!” I couldn’t see Esme through the obscured glass behind the downpour, but even with the barrage of the rain, I could hear her lithe steps run furiously to the front porch. “Please!”

Rose’s head snapped up to look in Esme’s direction before turning to glance unhappily back at me. She stepped aside, and I sped into the garage, parking the car hastily.

I exited immediately and went to expect the damage to the front of the hood. It was only a minuscule bend from having been pushed and prodded back and forth, and I was positive Rosalie could make it look like new, though why it had been necessary to punish the car was beyond me. It wasn’t even mine.

I wheeled around once I’d heard the near-silent steps of her run, a wave of anger making me forget my guilt.

“Are you insane?!” I demanded.

“I could ask the same of you, Bella!” Now free from the obscurity of the rain, I could see in perfect detail the stunning fury of her glorious face. Her golden hair had been darkened by the rain, and it was slicked back effortlessly, like a glittering waterfall down to the middle of her back. She looked like a wrathful god, but I couldn’t find it in my stubbornness to care about how valid her anger may be.

“Okay, but did you have to take it out on the car? What did it ever do to you! You couldn’t have waited another twenty seconds to confront me? Well, you have my attention now, Rosalie, so say whatever it is you want to say!”

“You’re just unbelievable, Bella!”

“He’s not going to say anything, Rose! We already talked about this yesterday. You heard Alice! He’s not a threat to you and Emmett, so I don’t understand why you’re taking this so personally.”

“Exactly, Bella. I heard Alice. Which is precisely why I fail to understand as to why you wouldn’t understand why I’d take it so personally. After all these years of sisterhood, how can you not understand how I feel about this?”

I frowned, my forehead puckering, but still, I retained my anger. She huffed, continuing.

“If it was an inevitability, I’d understand. However, it hurts me deeply that you recognize the choice that you have. The choice that Edward has. And still, you’re willing to play with his mortality as though it were a game, when I never had that choice.”

I froze, the realization dawning on me that she was right. No matter the ways in which I tried to justify my actions or spin my intentions, she was right. Another part of my mind acknowledged that while I was aware of right and wrong, I wasn’t certain that what was right would be enough to keep me away anymore.

We stared each other down much like we had yesterday. Only today, rather than anger, her face was contorted in hurt, and mine was contorted in hopelessness.

“But… you found Emmett when he was still human…” I weakly protested, selfishly trying to highlight the irony, though I knew it was pointless as I wasn’t advocating for Edward to be changed either. That was too complicated a thought to wrap my mind around. But whatever may happen –– and I was still very much aware of the worst of possibilities –– I didn’t want my sister to hate me for it.

“He was dying, Bella,” Rosalie whispered. The anger on her face had completely faded, and in its place, pain marked her eyebrows, her full lips, her golden, sad eyes. In her sadness, she looked like a work of art, like one of those paintings of a weeping saint. “It’s not the same.”

I didn’t have a response to that, and I felt as though I was at an impasse, both with myself and with Rosalie. Because I knew the promises I’d made and broken, but I knew the promise I’d made to Edward today, and I had no willpower, no desire, and no intention to break that promise.

“You may not feel anything for him now,” Rosalie began, her eyes intently fierce as they bore into mine to warn me. Only this warning felt significantly more horrible than I’d imagined it may be, because it wasn’t made in anger, but in desperation and love. “But if Alice is right, you will. And it seems to me a horrible way to repay someone you love to steal their life, their future, their soul from them. You should leave him alone now while you still can, because once you love him… it’ll only hurt more one way or another. And you’ll have to live with that for the rest of your existence. I know I have.”

And with that, Rose turned, her face cold and sad, and she left the garage.

[vintagedaydreams]

True Love Never Runs Smoothly Part Six (Carlisle)

Part Six for the Carlisle version!

Yes, I know that I usually update Marcus’ story first, but Carlisle’s just came so much easier this time around. So! Treat for those who are following this story arc!

This chapter was not beta’d, nor was it proof read. #Wedielikemenhere

Without further ado – or delay – the Carlisle update.

@kettnerjanea @jelly-fishy-babie @the-graceful-ace @amwolowicz @batsdothings @waxingmoonstone @littlebabybatthings @mauvette268 @sagittarius-flowerchild @katsav17 @batsuperflashmartianwonderman @imyourapocalypse @bethanymccauley @bepo-is-sorry @raindancer2004 @ashiemochi @artaxerxesthegreat @bloodsweatandsnapple

  You were not in a good place. Okay, physically, you were in a beautiful room in an ancient castle in Italy, but mentally and emotionally? You were just this side of traumatized.

Realistically, you knew that vampires drank from humans. And realistically, you knew that not all vampires enjoyed your company, (the last few weeks in Forks had been testament enough to that), but to have a vampire attack you and try to drain you while in said beautiful and ancient castle in Italy?

Not cool.

Very scary.

All you wanted to do was go home. Go home and seriously forget that anything remotely supernatural existed. Your life would be so much easier. So much…quieter.

That’s what you wanted. Quieter. Easier.

And that’s why you were leaving. Today. Screw any diplomatic anything. You were out.

You were changing back into the clothes you wore here, since you didn’t want to take anything that wasn’t yours and never packed anything for this sudden trip, when a knock resounded through the room.

You froze, not sure if you wanted to scream or cry.

Couldn’t they just leave you alone?

“Come in,” you finally sighed, tugging your shirt on and plopping down on the bed.

The door opened and Aro glided in. Literally glided in. How the man wasn’t gay was still a mystery to you. He was the most feminine vampire you’d met so far – including Rosalie.

“Cara mia!” came the delighted exclamation, as if he hadn’t seen you in years. “How are you doing?”

You crossed your arms, more as a comfort gesture than any hostility.

“Fine, all things considering,” you said after a moment.

Aro’s happy smile faded and he nodded, gesturing to the bed next to you for permission to sit.

As much as you would have liked to decline, it was his castle after all. So you grudgingly nodded.

“It is the ‘all things considering’ that I’d like to talk to you about,” the flamboyant monarch said after he had seated himself with more pomp and circumstance than you were sure was necessary. You were just a human after all.

When you didn’t say anything further – honestly, you were a little scared about what he was going to say next – he continued on.

“My brothers and I have been talking and we do not feel that an Innocent such as yourself should be made to suffer from the side effects of a Neglected Bond.”

Your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“And….what does that mean?” you whispered after a few minutes of Aro just sitting there, staring at you.

“It means that we have come up with two solutions to your…predicament. You are free to choose whichever solution you desire, though I am sure that with your spirit and your independence, you are not going to like either one. However, in a situation like this, with these players and these circumstances, these were the only two solutions that my brothers and I could come to any sort of agreement on.”

You waited with baited breath and Aro seemed to gather his thoughts.

Which you knew was bullshit. The man was a three thousand year old vampire – he didn’t need to stop and gather shit. He knew exactly what he wanted to say and how he was going to say it.

Dramatic asshole.

“What are the choices?” you finally ground out, tired of waiting and breaking the silence first.

“First,” Aro started, all business and any earlier levity gone, “you must promise to chose and abide by one of these choices. It is not only out of duty as Rulers, but also out of concern, that we have set these decisions. We are giving you freedom to choose, which is something that very few beings get. You have the ability to choose whichever path you feel is better for you, but you will have to obey the stipulations that come with each choice to the letter. Any variance that we are alerted to, and we will choose your fate. Do you understand?”

You gulped, not used to being on the receiving end of this kind of attention from such a powerful being.

“Y-yes,” you swallowed, heart kicking up a few notches as your imagination started to run wild. Everything from being turned by the end of the day, to dying as a human, filled your mind.

“Now, cara mia,” Aro soothed, voice honey sweet and more affectionate now, “know that we have your best interests in mind. Neither choice was meant to hurt or inconvenience you, but rather to help you. A Neglected Bond is not a pleasant thing to go through. And while you should – hopefully – feel less of the symptoms since you are human, there will be some side effects all the same and those may affect you more drastically since you are human.”

You gave a shaky nod, eyes wide and heart hammering.

“The first choice,” Aro started, manner again businesslike, “is to stay here in Volterra. My brothers and I have been around for collectively, around nine thousand years, give or take a few centuries. We have gathered a lot of information and ‘tricks of the trade’ so to speak, and have a few ways around some of the more nasty effects of the Bond. We also have members of our Guard that can help as well, making us a rather indispensable resource for those Neglected.”

You weren’t sure what your face was doing, but it must have been telling enough, for Aro gave a small chuckle that was devoid of humor.

“I didn’t think that would be the route you wanted to take.”

You couldn’t help the blush that spread across your cheeks.

“It’s not that I’m not grateful,” you started hastily, not wanting to offend the vampire that had been ridiculously good to you since you came here. You just didn’t want to stay here any longer! Nothing with them, but this place…it just reminded you too much of all this Bond catastrophe.

At least at home, you could try and pretend your life was normal. Much easier to go back to what you were doing before, than try to carve some normalcy out of an ancient vampire castle.

“Rest assured, Young One,” Aro said with a friendly pat to your hand, “I am not offended. I understand your reasoning. Like I said, I did not think that you would want to stay here. However, I am almost certain you will not find the decision so easy to make once you hear of the second option.

Your other choice is to return home, but to have daily contact with the Cullens – Carlisle more frequent that the rest.”

Now you knew what your face was doing – it had to match the rage and betrayal that was rushing hot and heavy under your skin.

“Of all the dirty, underhanded tricks!” you snarled. “You know how they have treated me, how he has treated me and now one of your stipulations is that I am in constant contact with them?! How is that not going to harm me?! How is that having my best interests at heart?!”

A loud, deep growl sounded out from the vampire in front of you and all of your rage fled in the face of pitch black eyes and bared fangs.

“It is because we have your best interests at heart that we are making you choose between these two paths, Y/N,” Aro growled loudly, sounding more predatory and…monstrous, that you had ever heard any vampire sound. Even the one that had attacked you in the corridor.

It looked as if his control was hanging by a thread and you felt a fission of fear run through you.

“It does not please me to think of you back in Forks, with the coven that is responsible for your current condition. However, Marcus seems to think that you would do well, flourish even, back at home where you have some comfort and confidence.”

The way his voice snapped towards the end made you think that if it were up to Aro, you wouldn’t have a choice and you would be staying in Volterra. Permanently.

Which almost sounded like a better idea.

“You will need to decide soon, cara mia,” Aro’s voice broke through your thoughts, once again sounding soothing and affectionate.

You looked up and were met with ruby red eyes.

“The Cullen Coven is heading back to Forks later tonight – after dark. If you are wanting to return to Forks, it must be with them. Otherwise, if you are staying here, we can make sure you have ample time to say your goodbyes to Bella and young Edward.”

You worried your lip between your teeth – Aro was right. The choice was not quite so easy once you were aware of both choices!

And they really weren’t giving you a lot of time to make a decision either. No rush. You just had a few hours to decide your future and how exactly you wanted to negate some of the nastier affects of the Bond.

You frowned.

“Aro? You’ve explained to me how staying here in Volterra would help with the Bond’s affects, but how would me going with the Cullens and seeing Carlisle almost every day help if he’s the reason behind the Bond being affected like this?”

“Even though my dear friend is the cause of this, his very presence will help stabilize the Bond. While the Bond can read intent, it takes awhile and for the most part, at least at the beginning, close proximity to your Intended can and will relieve the symptoms. Simply being around someone from Carlisle’s venom every day and the vampire himself at least every couple, should satisfy the Bond for now.”

“For now?” you echoed warily. “Then what happens?”

Aro hummed, a small smile lighting his face. “That is for another time.”

At your indignant protest, he held up a cold, marble hand and said firmly, “There is a very strong chance that Later will never happen in this situation. Rest assured, we will be monitoring everything and should it get to the point where we need to step in for your safety and health, we will. But it’s best to not even get into that until the time comes. Unnecessary worry solves nothing, Y/N.”

You gave a slight glare, but let it go. If the man didn’t want to tell you, there was nothing you could say or do that would make him tell you. Though, you didn’t think that knowing all the facts about something that was affecting you negatively right now was ‘unnecessary worrying’. More like ‘smart battle tactics’.

Damn dramatic vampires, always having to keep you in the dark about something.

Would it kill them to actually be forthcoming about something before it became an issue?

Probably.

But no matter. Right now, you had a decision to make. Stay here in Volterra, never see your home or work or friends again and have some vampire voodoo make it to where your Neglected Bond was manageable or go back home to your house, work and friends but have to stay in constant contact with the group of vampires that pretty much made your life a living Hell for the last few weeks.

Both of these choices sucked.

“Why can’t I just go live in England by myself for the rest of my life?” you muttered on a sigh, running a hand through your hair.

It would make your life so much easier – consequences of a Neglected Bond be damned.

“Caius will be pleased to know that you are not a fan of either my choice or Marcus’,” Aro commented lightly from beside you and you gave him a Look.

“Good for Caius,” you deadpanned, feeling a well of frustration bubbled up inside of you. Vampires did remember that human brains couldn’t compute and think things as quickly as vampire brains could, right? Like, humans were much slower at everything. Including decision making. (The fact that you were naturally a procrastinator didn’t matter right now.)

Aro suddenly stood, making you startle and look up at him.

“I will leave you to it, Y/N. A guard is stationed outside your door – simply notify them when you have come to a decision and they were notify the proper people.”

“Thanks,” you said automatically, mind already racing through the pros and cons of each decision, feeling the deadline moving steadily closer.

Damn vampires!

-----

So, never again were you going to make life altering decisions about your mental and emotional health on so limited a time frame.

Your bottom lip was bleeding from you chewing through it and you were pretty sure your hair could win a country music award with how much it was all over the place from you pulling at it and running your hands through it.

But you did it.

You had come to a conclusion.

It wasn’t easy and you hoped to never have such a sucky choice again in your life, but you did it.

You would be going home to Forks with Edward, Bella and the Betrayers Six.

As much as being in Volterra would probably be better for you in the long run, right now you needed familiarity. Stability. And your own bed.

The rest would sort itself out.

Besides, you were supposed to be in contact with someone who shared Carlisle’s venom every day. Edward would fill that void just fine.

And then every couple of days, Carlisle could…stand on the back porch or something.

As long as he was close, that should satisfy the Bond. Probably. Maybe. Perhaps. You really needed some more information on this.

Especially if it was going to dictate your foreseeable future.

With a gusty sigh, you straightened your spine and headed to the door to alert your guard you were going home.

Hopefully, you could find Edward and Bella before having to see the rest of the Cullens.

After alerting your guard as to your plans, you were instructed to stay in your room until someone could come fetch you.

Fetch you? Out of everyone in this castle, you were not the one acting like a child!

But you agreed and took a seat on your bed again.

This was actually helping you to realize you made the right decision. If you stayed in Volterra, you wouldn’t be able to stay in your room 24/7. You’d go insane!

A knock sounded at the door and then Edward entered.

“Eddie!” you exclaimed in legitimate relief and joy, hopping off the bed and running to hug him.

A normal person!

Well, as close to normal as any vampire could get at this point.

A low chuckle echoed through the room and you couldn’t help your entire body relax. It just felt so good to be with someone familiar!

“Make sure you don’t touch Aro on the way to the plane,” Edward said with a huff of laughter. “You’ll end up hurting his feelings at your anxiousness to get away.”

You pulled back enough to see Edward’s face, your mouth opening to deny that you were that anxious to get away – Aro had been so good to you, the last thing you wanted to do was hurt his feelings! – but Edward gave you a crooked grin, beating you to it with a soft, “Teasing, Y/N. Aro knows you are just happy to get home.”

You scrunched your nose up at Edward; he would tease you right now.

But it worked and you felt yourself feeling more like yourself than you had in weeks.

You could do this. It was going to suck, especially at first, but you could it.

“Everyone is ready and waiting by the jet,” Edward said quietly as he ushered you out the door and down the hallway. “I thought we would arrive last and then we could leave as soon as we get there without having to wait for anybody.”

You nodded in thanks, squeezing his arm in gratitude.

“Bella is already there?”

“Yes,” Edward confirmed, “she’s holding her own against them. I think she was honestly excited for me to leave and get you – she’s been dying to have some ‘quality time’ with everyone. I guess the last time she yelled at them wasn’t enough for her.”

You gave a snort of amusement, so thankful to have the support of both Edward and Bella. They really were going to be your rocks through this.

It didn’t take long for you and Edward to come up on the jet. The rest of the Cullen Coven were standing fairly close together, though you noticed Jasper and Alice a bit farther away from the group.

Bella stood farthest away, facing the golden eyed vampires with her hands on her hips.

You seriously loved that woman.

“She’s taken,” Edward murmured to you with a grin and you rolled your eyes and shot back, “You’re a lucky bastard.”

Edward’s chuckle was drowned out by the starting of the jet’s engines. The Cullens slowly began migrating to the ramp leading up to the jet, giving Bella a wide berth to your great amusement.

To your surprise, though you weren’t sure why it surprised you, Aro was there to see you off.

“My brothers would have loved to be here as well,” he assured you and you fought not to roll your eyes. You could just bet. “However, they are needed for a sudden, unexpected trial. I did want to see you off before I go and join them; do be careful and remember what we discussed, alright?”

You gave a small smile, not really enjoying the reminder of the whole ‘listen to our rules or we’ll decide your fate’ thing, but…it was nice to know that you had a group of people watching out for you.

You untangled your arm from Edward’s and walked the few steps forward to give Aro a hug. He really had been amazing to you since your arrival days ago.

“Thank you,” you murmured into his chest as his arms came up to wrap around you as well.

“Of course, Cara Mia,” he returned, giving you a last gentle squeeze before you took a step back. “You are an honorary Vampire and one of us now,” he continued with a smirk. “Please, do come visit us soon – no matter the outcome of your Bond.”

You gave a soft laugh, seriously touched that he seemed to give two figs about you.

“You can count on it, Aro. Thank you.”

The King bowed his head and then called to the small number of guards in the area before making his leave.

Edward came back up to you and gently steered you towards the plane where the ‘family’ of vampires who had made your life Hell for weeks, hated your guts for something completely out of your control, and then suddenly tried to get in your good graces after a scolding from vampire royalty, were waiting.

What an amazingly awkward plane ride this was going to be.