#like a 'thinks verbally apologizing is kinda unimportant

[upsidedowngrass]

ALMOST done with :  | compilation. after im done i already wanna do a liam smiling compilation, but i think i should do liam crying compilation and liam angry compilation bc i think that would ALSO lend itself well to future analysis!!!!

[that-was-anticlimactic]

kai from tlok or hakoda, maybe even bumi ii?

hello, my beloved :) jeg siger undskyld (i apologize in danish) for the uh. belated response. work got uh. a lot. and then i got far too invested in sds for my own good anD THEN I MOVED lol aNYWAYS here's all of them as a treat:)

kai

how i feel about this character: i absolutely adore him. i think he has a lot of really good moments--especially when everyone thought he was dead but then he wasn't and rather than saving himself, he risked his life to save the people who, essentially, saved him from a rough life on the streets. not to mention that this was probably the first time they realized people cared about them. like, the group was so happy to see that he was alive, and before he joined the air acolytes, he probably didn't have anyone who would have mourned them. he shows so much courage and passion when he gets invested in something and i love them for it.

all the people i ship romantically with this character: kainora my beloved !!! and like shipping him with pretty much anyone but jinora and maybe ikki would be. weird and kinda gross tbh. but he and jinora balance each other out yet aren't afraid to encourage the other and have fun together and that's just. that's so good.

my non-romantic otp for this character: mako and kai !!! like... they both have a lot to learn from each other and i love them for that. it's after mako realizes that bolin is old enough to take care of himself, he fixates on kai as his younger sibling to try and make up for that and to feel needed and able to protect someone because he sees bits of his younger self in kai. and it's kai showing mako that he doesn't always need to be the big brother, that he can depend on other people but also loving having an older brother figure and not knowing how to process that so they act out because that's all they've ever known... it's messy and weird but it's them and their odd sibling-esc relationship and i love it<3

my unpopular opinion about this character: idk if this qualifies as unpopular but demiboy he / they kai rights !!!

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wish we got more backstory for him--like, that we learned more about his life as a child and that they explored the mako and kai sibling-esc relationship more but's it's all good--i can always headcanon :)

~

hakoda

how i feel about this character: hakoda my beloved !!! ngl, at first i didn't like hakoda because he seemed like the perfect person for awhile--swt chief loved by everyone, best warrior ever, can do no wrong... and that bothered me a lot when i first watched the show two years ago ??? anywas, i love he now. he's a good dad and the love he has for his kids is extraordinary and heartwarming and i love it and him<3

all the people i ship romantically with this character: bato !!! sometimes i forget that bakoda isn't canon... like... genuinely i forget that it's a fannon ship. that is how deeply i ship bakoda.

kyoda is obviously wonderful too! bakoda just holds a special place in my heart. but i wish we got more kyoda scenes in flashbacks or something because they were adorable.

my non-romantic otp for this character: hakoda & sokka, hakoda & katara are my two biggest ones. i mean,,, that reunion hug at the end of boiling rock ??? like,,, yes that family is everything to me. plus, as much as i love the possibility for great dynamics and healing with hakoda being a father figure to zuko, there are more fics under the tag 'hakoda & zuko' than there are with both watertribe siblings which is just. very sad. so i feel like zuko's possible relationship with him gets more attention than hakoda with his kids. like... don't get me wrong, i love the hakoda and zuko dynamics... but like. sokka and katara...

also hakoda and toph. i feel like they'd get along really well and would be too powerful for this world.

my unpopular opinion about this character: that... hmmm... idk if i have an unpopular opinion about him... yeah, i can't think of any oihgvhj

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wish we had more scenes with hakoda and his kids, but that's me being greedy. i also wish canon would just admit that bakoda is canon already p l e a s e they !!!

~

bumi ii

how i feel about this character: oh boy, where do i staRT !!! i love bumi ii. he is my 1.5 favorite lok character and i absolutely adore him. i wish we got more of him--i do. and that is me being greedy because i think we got more of him than kya ii, but still. he is everything i love in a character--feels useless compared to the others because he can't bend, feeling disconnected an unimportant in his own family because they're all super powerful benders and he's just... he's just bumi ii, the nonbender. acting out for attention because, at this point, even negative attention is better than constantly being overshadowed. and despite the resentment he may feel towards his siblings for being "better" and "more important" than he is, he's still a big brother at heart and would do / sacrifice anything for them.

all the people i ship romantically with this character: no one !!! bumi ii is aroace thank you and goodnight <3

my non-romantic otp for this character: bumi ii & izumi. i just,,, i just feel like they would get along so well??? like. i cannot describe it, but in the gaang's kids crew, they are the best friends. izumi is one of the first people he comes out to as aroace and bumi ii is the first person izumi comes out to as nonbinary. they find solace and peace in each other and understand parts of the other that no one really understands.

bumi ii & sokka also. they have so much in common and they deserve to be besties. bumi ii needs reassurance from someone who understand being the resident nonbender, and sokka needs someone who recognizes and verbalizes that he's amazing and someone worthy of looking up to.

also, naturally, bumi ii & his family. i mean, the sibling relationship was a bit strained, but the three care about each other so much even though they don't get along well. bumi ii is used to looking out for them and taking the blame if kya ii or tenzin did something bad because he wants to protect his siblings the best he can and he may not have magic bending powers, but he can do this. and bumi ii's relationship with aang and katara is definitely better than how they made it seem in the show--change my mind. aang may accidentally give tenzin more attention due to, ya know, airbending, but there is quite simply no way that aang or katara would ever neglect a child as much as the show made it seem. the kataang parents are good parents and i stand by that.

my unpopular opinion about this character: bumi ii has tourette's !!! he got it from his uncle sokka and actually, i headcanon that he actually doesn't curse or say vulgar things a lot because he has some form of coprolalia and always has to curse / say vulgar things against his will, so he does his best not to curse if he isn't being forced. also aroace bumi ii rights.

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i so desperately wish that bumi ii had tourette's in canon... y'all have no idea... i also hate the way that the show had him join the military like ??? that's just weird and i just. did not like it that much ??? so i wish it happened differently. no. you know how i wish it happened? since he has coprolalia, he struggled to find jobs willing to hire him. the other sailors didn't care that sometimes he yelled inappropriate things--it didn't matter to them.

and, lastly, may i suggest reading never been in love (and it's all good) by my bestie @zukkaclawthorne ! it is an aro bumi ii fic about him coming out and it's the content we don't deserve but cherish <3

[bigskydreaming]

1/6 You realize Teen Wolf is an ensemble show and not The Scott Mccall/Tyler Posey show, right? You are just bitter 'cause every single character is their own person and their life does not revolve around coddling and worshipping your personal fave Scott 24/7 like you so desperately wanted to.

2/6 As for the pack reacting to Theo for what they did to them individually instead of making poor little toddler Scott their priority and putting him first… Malia got literally shot by Theo, and yet you claim not only that Malia shouldn’t have been affected by what Theo did to her personally, but that Malia should have been affected only because Theo murdered SCOTT 

3/6 and should have reacted only because Theo murdered SCOTT - because ofc according to you Malia’s feelings either doesn’t matter or are less important and valid than Scott’s. Same for Lydia’s, Stiles’, Liam’s and everyone else’s feelings and traumas. Lydia got literally put in a comatose state thanks to Scott’s canon incompetence, hypocrisy and stupidity,

4/6 but somehow hating Theo for murdering SCOTT should have been Lydia’s priority, right?? Scott’s canon incompetence, hypocrisy and stupidity almost costed the Sheriff’s life, but somehow hating Theo for murdering SCOTT should have been Stiles’ priority, right?? Because ofc according to you the only character that matters is your personal fav Scott Mccall and everyone else’s feelings are either invalid or unimportant

5/6 because all their lives/actions/motivations etc. should always revolve around poor little toddler Scott only, lol! As for everyone abandoning Scott after he failed rather spectacularly at being a decent leader by the end of season 5a: they may be Scott’s pack and friends but they are still their own persons with a life and other affects and interests outside of coddling and supporting Scott 24/7,

Like, are you done? Is it over? You kept saying (x)/6 with each one making me think there’s supposed to be one more ask coming, but idk maybe you’re just as bad at counting as you are at reading?

Cuz LMAO wow did you go off about something I did not actually say ever. I mean, kinda predictable given that not even two hours ago I JUST made a joke about how the only thing that pisses anti-Scott fandom off even more than the characters acknowledging his good traits is saying that the characters didn’t acknowledge/appreciate all that he’d been through. Thanks for proving me right!

ME: *cites multiple canon examples of times other characters received comfort, support and reassurances from the others, INCLUDING from Scott, and then compares that to multiple canon examples of times where NO other character offered Scott any comfort, support or reassurance as should be expected from even an ENSEMBLE show, because see, relationships are supposed to be a two way street? Meaning if a character is constantly shown caring about his friends, being concerned and worried about them, kissing their boo-boos all better or apologizing to them when they hold completely unwarranted grudges for things that weren’t actually his fault no matter how much other characters (and you) want to blame him…well, its only reasonable to expect the same to be shown in return, with like…him being murdered being a fairly logical place to demonstrate these other characters giving a shit*

YOU: OMG SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS ONLY SCOTT MATTERS SCOTT SCOTT SCOTT ITS ALWAYS GOT TO BE ABOUT SCOTT NOBODY ELSE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN OR THEIR OWN PROBLEMS EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE TOTALLY FOCUSED AND REVOLVE AROUND POOR TODDLER SCOTT WHO CAN’T EVEN HANDLE BEING MURDERED WITHOUT YOU MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT LIKE WHO EVEN CARES I WAS MURDERED ONCE OR MAYBE I WAS YOU DONT KNOW BUT YOU DONT SEE ME MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT OMG SHUT UP SCOTT DESERVED IT ANYWAY DUH WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT.

That’s you. That’s what you sound like. Just FYI.

LOL, nowhere anywhere did I say or even imply that Malia shouldn’t feel however she damn well wants to feel for any of the things Theo did to HER, personally, like shooting her with a shotgun. What I SAID was that when she, like the other characters, brought up SCOTT’S death specifically, it was always in the context of what THAT specific event had to do with Theo, the rest of the pack, how they interacted with Theo or viewed him as a result of it, instead of it ever being about ‘hey, so Scott being murdered is kinda a weird rallying cry to express just how much we all hate Theo given that none of us has really bothered to talk to Scott about y’know….how he was murdered and that must have sucked and all that’. 

Which is where you get me saying something like its a problem that Scott’s trauma from being murdered became almost an afterthought whenever the event was mentioned, like it had nothing to do with anything.

Like, did I break that down far enough for you? I don’t mean to sound condescending except that actually I totally do, because when people insist on shouting at me over shit I’ve never actually said haha guess what, I totally get to be a patronizing prick about it, so……let’s do basic math here:

Theo shooting Malia with a shotgun = Malia’s trauma = its about Malia, any discussion of it should be about Malia and center how Malia feels about it and how she was affected by it.

Theo murdering Scott SHOULD = SCOTT’S trauma = its about Scott, any discussion of it should be about Scott and center how Scott feels about it and how he was affected by it.

Now, point me to all the scenes where Scott’s death was brought up and HIS feelings and reactions to it centered instead of everyone else just mentioning it to make a dig at Theo and then going back to pretending like it never happened and shouldn’t affect him in any way.

Because y’know, like you pointed out, they all have their own issues and concerns! Like Malia, who had all that stuff going on with her mom…..which Scott repeatedly asked her about, told her he understood whatever she wanted to do because of it, literally found time while trying to stop the Beast to come up with a plan using the Garuda talons to give Malia an edge so she could beat her mom.

Or like Stiles, who had all that stuff going on with his dad….which Scott repeatedly asked him about, tried to help with, even after Stiles physically and verbally attacked him, locked him out of the car when Scott tried to go with him to find the chimera who attacked his dad, went ahead and while still wounded and hurting from being murdered less than a day before, found the chimera so he could save Stiles’ dad anyway DESPITE Stiles petulantly refusing his help even when it was his dad’s life on the line because holding a grudge apparently takes precedence over his dad’s health which is what takes precedence over Scott’s murder which is…what he’s holding a grudge about, that Scott was off busy being a corpse while his dad was getting attacked by a chimera none of them had any idea even existed before that day.

Or like Lydia, who was comatose in Eichen House because of what Theo did….which is why Scott went and got Kira back from the Skinwalkers, begged Stiles and Malia to put aside their issues with him and help, put aside his own issues with Liam who’d just been trying to help murder him a few days before, all so he could rescue Lydia from Eichen House, a process which got him severely electrocuted and hurt on top of the sucking chest wound he still had from you know, being murdered, and which Stiles got all the credit for despite Scott having to plead with him to even get him involved at all.

I mean, you really got me. I had completely failed to consider that all these characters had their own issues and drama going on and preoccupying them while Scott was selfishly neglecting them and not caring at all, so why SHOULD they have been able to find a spare moment or ounce of compassion to show their friend who’d just been MURDERED, its not like Scott was willing or able to multitask and care about their issues and help with those even while dealing with like, say, still being wounded and hurt from that time he was murdered a few days ago without any emotional trauma resulting that whatsoever.

I bow to your superior interpretation of canon AND my own thoughts on the matter! I see now that the points you raised AREN’T completely off topic and not at all relevant to the issue I thought I was demonstrating, and in fact, your completely ignoring the actual content of my post and substituting  your own version of what I said is really the best thing that ever could have happened to my post! And its actually not at all the totally predictable and often-relied upon method anti-Scott fandom loves trotting out to derail any and every discussion about him they don’t like because they can’t actually refute on its own merits. Aka just about every discussion ever had in this fandom about Scott.

Anyway, now that I have seen the light, I would like to thank you for taking time out of your day to share these insights with me so I can stop being the clearly bitter and resentful one here, and have the peace and happiness that eluded me for so long while I labored under dumb ideas like OMG WHAT IF SCOTT’S FRIENDS CARED THAT HE WAS MURDERED.

I don’t want to take up any more of your time or energy, and I really don’t think there’s anything you could possibly add at this point that would shed further light or clarity on this matter, so please don’t feel you have to send any followup asks on this matter, I’ll just delete them so as to save us both time and trouble, alrighty?

Thanks again and have a nice day! You’ve been SWELL.

[troglobite]

wow my bday puts me in such a fucking shitty mood

then i went to complain to my mom abt how it’s like ‘ohp you ALMOST had friends to hang out with but nope! snatched away at the last second!’

and she kept saying ‘it’s the thought that counts’ and i’m like ??? not to be a dick, but uhhh yeah i AM grateful that my friends care but that??? doesn’t replace actually getting to SPEND TIME WITH THEM?????

and then she of course whipped out her OWN bday which has a holiday conflict which sucks bc ppl always ignored her bday growing up

and it kills me bc it’s like EVERY FUCKING YEAR i try to do something for her bday but something interrupts it or she just flat out IGNORES me or REFUSES to have me do anything and feels sorry for herself instead

and i’m literally spending A NIGHT feeling sorry for myself

and i stupidly was complaining to her and verbalizing it bc i didn’t feel like stewing up in my room all alone

and she got mad at me and was like ‘well fuck think about MY birthday!’

so i just fucking left and apologized bc yep i’m just an asshole

i literally KNOW it’s stupid to be upset

but a bday is promised to you as a day where it’s like. hey! it’s you! it doesn’t have to be all ABOUT you but you should be able to spend it w ppl you love and care abt and maybe do something fun and feel kinda special! you don’t need all the attn but like SOME would be good! a lil celebration! bc you always try and celebrate ppl on THEIR bdays!

and i’ve never quite gotten that. not to be ungrateful for every year my mom has tried her goddamn hardest. it just gets lonely and depressing.

and i’ve TRIED so much to make my mom’s bday better but so much shit just kept happening these last few years and like I CAN’T HELP ANY OF IT SO WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? JUST KEEP FEELING GUILTY AND NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE ANNOYED/UPSET ON MY OWN BEHALF?

i fucking don’t get how you’re not allowed to feel something just bc of someone else

i won’t fucking complain to my mom anymore abt it that’s for damn sure. fine, she doesn’t need to hear it, and she’s definitely not going to help

but everyone else is just gonna feel guilty and shitty and so i can’t complain TO anybody

which leaves me alone stewing in it feeling sorry for myself

which is a goddamn awful recipe for disaster and NO ONE needs that

so idk what i’m supposed to do. idk why i care so much about my fucking birthday. i’ve just always loved the day it’s on. i love the winter solstice. i love that it’s the shortest day of the year. i love that it snows on my bday almost every year. i love christmas lights. i love the quiet. i love not having school or responsibilities. 

but there’s almost never anyone around to help celebrate it and i ALMOST had a chance this year and i felt so stupid and annoying for mentioning it to my friends so much but i’m DESPERATE to have a FUCKING NORMAL birthday. and it looked like it would happen!

and now it’s not going to and i just want to be SAD about that?

i love my friends. i’m so happy they wanna do anything and were bringing it up of their own volition after i shut my goddamn self up for being so fucking annoying abt it for like two days. 

so i’m happy i’m grateful i love them--i just wish i got to feel those things oN MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY WITH THEM PRESENT. 

it’s stupid. it’s petty. it’s unimportant. i just--

growing up, holidays mean less and less and with just me and my mom there’s been no traditions or anything we’ve done to really observe those holidays. thanksgiving almost didn’t happen for us and we had it two days later and she refused to act like it was anything other than an annoyingly complicated dinner. i kept pointing out how i wanted this to be like thanksgiving (minus the nationwide recognition of SOME BULLSHIT) and it was just like. not happening.

so fuck me for wanting to have some special days in the year to break up the monotony and for wanting to imbue meaning into specific days and wanting to have traditions or being able to do anything to celebrate certain things. my bday is on the fucking winter solstice so fuck me for being eager to recognize that particular day which is important to like....everyone. throughout history. it’s cool. i love my bday on that day. i just want to be able to fucking recognize it. 

[pleaseimtryingtogetbetter-blog]

An In-depth Analysis of Myself: the first critique

All the names are changed, and upon looking at the title there will be no end of self analysis. just letters upon letters to me, about me. This was written a few months ago, so who knows how im feeling now. try not to jude me too hard, whoever you are.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap about myself. I have good days and I have bad days. I'm so insecure no matter how hard I try to be confident. I like who I am on the inside, not the out. I know they say the outside doesn't match the inside, but what if it did? Is my outside appearance a direct reflection of who I am inside? Why do I look like this? Why wasn't I born beautiful?

I'm always going to be a big girl. And I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My legs don't bother me, or my arms. It's my middle. My large broad shoulders, the rolls of back fat that ruin any dress or short sleeve. And my big huge stomach that's never satisfied. I hate anything right on my body, anything that sticks to my skin makes me uncomfortable. I need things to be loose to hide the larger components of my body. Most just say eat right and work out, and while I agree, it's not that easy. All my life people think it’s okay to comment on my weight. The doctors, my family, and people who claim to be my friends. It ha always taken a dark toll on me, i developed self destructive behavior at such a young age part of me thought I was lying to myself. That I made up the eating disorder. I never ate anything. For some reason, it didn't bother anyone. They thought i was dieting because i only ate once a day. I got really skinny for my body type that summer. Going into middle school i slowly got better, until i was unhealthy in the opposite extreme. My parents ask why couldn't i put myself on another diet like i had before, they didnt realize i was sick. i didnt realize i was sick. i realized they couldn't see what i was doing to myself. For a while, I thought i was doing really well. I didn't deny myself what i wanted, and i felt comfortable.

Of course like all good things, it came to an end. I don't want to project this on anything other than myself, but i cant help but blame others. For some reason, i thought that since i was going to therapy i was getting better. Unfortunately thats not all that goes into it. The therapist can only do so much, the rest comes from you. Compared to my junior year, senior was way better. Or so i thought. Scholastically, senior year was better. My relationship with my mother was better. Everything should be going my way, but I'm still unhappy. I thought i kicked depressions ass, because i didn't feel so gray all the time anymore, once i realized i had everything i needed to be happy, good grades, great friends, and college acceptance, yet i wasnt, and that told me i wasn't cured just yet. I feel lousy all the time, plagued by mediocrity. Which can stem to all kinds of other issues, but for now let’s focus on my dissolving self confidence. Its not just my body i hate but my face too. My acne is crippling, getting worse everyday. Makeup doesnt do the trick anymore. At the end of the day the makeup wipe reveals the true ugliness beneath, not like the mask was any better. And for a while, i challenged myself to not wear makeup for a while. Sadly that only lasted a few days. You can have a great day, and one comment can ruin you. You see, my makeup less face oddly gave me confidence. Confidence to show who i truly am and to let myself breath. Ultimately, one comment destroyed that all in .002 seconds.

Remember how i said i didn't want to reject blame? Well I'm going to try and justify other peoples actions anyway. Jake is one of my friends. Honestly for a little bit i thought i liked him, but i only liked the attention and i often looked to him for validation because it was the only male friendship without any strict platonic mood placed on it. I can be honest with myself and admit that i was mainly attracted to the idea of us together because he was new, and i could make someone else jealous. However the stark difference between us enlightened me to see that we could never be together because we would never work. He is the opposite of what i want. He isn't goal driven and is often derogatory. Yet, I still look to him for validation just the same. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the last month he has made constant comments on my appearance. Im not entirely sure if he always did this, and I'm just barely noticing, or he is stating because we are slowly becoming more comfortable with one another. He has made comments that have really hurt my feelings. And it is a consistent behavior with him. He has made comments on my weight, my body, my height, my behavior, and my acne. He has made attacks on almost every inch of my being. And what angers me the most is that i often defend hid behavior to my friends. The last few weeks, there has not been a class period where i have left without feeling gross about myself. I excuse this behavior because i know he is equally insecure about everything i am in different perspectives. Yet, this behavior towards me is not acceptable. His comments destroy any inch of confidence i have left in me. I try not to comment on peoples appearance and if i have, i apologize. Jake also suffers from acne and we talk about it a lot. On my no makeup challenge, i anticipated a comment from him, and i shouldn't have to. he said “now that I've seen your real acne i feel better about mine” How does he think thats okay to say to someone who is obviously insecure about how they look? I wear heavy makeup, and he has commented on that as well. Why do people feel the need to comment on my appearance and attack the most vulnerable parts of me? If it can't be fixed in 5 minutes don't say anything. His verbal abuse, while unbeknownst to him, real contributes to my own self hatred. It fuels my fear of being unwanted. He is a close friend, but also a bully in my life.

Fear of being unwanted undoubtably comes from my father abandonment. He left at a young age for reasons I'm too scared to know and i have zero memories of him. I am extremely thankful for my mother and all she has done for me, but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him. Why did he leave? Was he not ready for a child? He has other children with another women and i often wonder if they know about me. Either unfortunately or fortunately, daddy issues is a common trope in todays society. I connect with many characters in media. Like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Gabriel Iglesias’ own experience with his father. Like them, my father tried to contact me when i was about 15. Ultimately i said no and did not want contact with him. At 18, i am still not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with him. He has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive him for that. His abandonment makes me feel like i wasn't enough for him, and that i never will be. Probably the reason i find it so hard to connect with males. I can never truly trust them, much like i can never truly trust anyone because everyone leaves me in the end.

One thing i want to talk about is what happened with Oliver. He is not guilty in any reason, and if you look at it, a minuscule problem in my life. I finally got the guts to tell him how i feel about him, i kinda chicken out and wrote him a letter, but writing my feelings is more therapeutic than saying it, clearly. I told him knowing a relationship wouldn't result. And i think that that is the only reason that made me do it. Yes i genuinely have feelings for him, but i am no way ready for a relationship. Of course i want to make him happy and be with him, but i don't want to know what real heartbreak is, because I'm pretty sure i am heartbroken over myself. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, i was denied and am okay with it. But it is another experience that makes me feel unworthy of anything real. I have never had anyone show interest in me, and while it is superficial, i long for a little attention. To verify that i am wanted. That i am beautiful. All of which i do not believe in, i want others to, and that is unhealthy. 

Compared to my friends, who are gorgeous, i am the ugly duckling, and I'm okay admitting to it because i know no one else will. Actually my relationships with everyone seem as artificial as my hair color. All my friendships and family relationships seem to be temporary. I know everyone has someone they like more than me. Jennifer is my best friend, but i know she secretly prefers Rebecca or Penelope over me anytime. Daisy is one of my best friends, but i know my recent actions have made her hate me and i walk on eggshells with her now. Isabella is like my sister but i know I'm a third option to her. Behind Yolanda and Trina, and Brandon, Im someone in the background to fall back on. Vanessa is someone i treasure but i know she would prefer a night out with Kristina or anyone else. I know it’s selfish to want to be someones priority, but feeling unimportant to everyone is real hell. I feel like people keep me around because I'm dependable, and I'm tired of it. I look out for everyone, so who the hell looks out for me?

I do the most for my friends. I go above and beyond for everyone, and i notice i set the bar so high for friendship i feel like i don't have any. I want someone to be there for me like i am for everyone else. I look at myself as a lone wolf, but being alone weakens you faster. I am unable to look inside myself and find real strength. All i find is weakness.

I am sick to my stomach because i am so disgusted with myself. I am scared out my mind because no one notices I'm not okay. I cant ask for help, because i don't want people to look at me differently. I am very candid with the fact that i am mentally ill, and pride myself that i go to therapy, but laying a lot of my flaws out on the table is not easy. i know that this paper does not contain all things that i do not like about myself, but for now it is an installment.

If I ever send this to you, i am not attacking you. I am not looking for attention or compliments or sympathy. I am simply being honest with myself and need to write it out. I am hurt and i can feel a self destructive behavior coming over me and this is a signal to be on alert for any alarming actions i might do. Do not smother me, it will only anger me. Do not bombard me with questions about my sanity or overly ask if I'm okay, as i am not clearly sure myself. If you reached this point i am worried that you are scared for me, and my safety. And while i feel that I am being dramatic and this is a crazy disclaimer, this is NOT a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I could never do that to my family and cannot put Jennifer through another suicide. If I ever send you this, I am sharing something very personal and ask you to keep this just between us and not show anyone else. I am someone who struggles with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and deep rooted fears. And while it may seem contradictory to what i have previously stated, I will be okay.