#like an animal

[levmada]

LEVIS DICK MY MOUTH NOW

why can’t my life be my mouth stuffed in levi’s tdick. why can’t i live with his thighs trembling against my ears.. u just know it’s thick as fuck. so firm and hot. feel it twitch and strain pinned down by my tongue. almost quivering, trapped.

no squirming or twitching away just sucking his prick, suffocating between his thighs, and swallowing his cum thank you

[multicolour-ink]

Imagine one day while visiting his parents, Luigi brings along his new pet ghost dog.

His name is Polterpup and he is best boi

Despite being shocked at first that it is a literal ghost dog, the family loves him ^^

Polterpup loves Mama Mario, and even gets pretty attached to Tony.

[floating--goblin]

you know what i'm thinking about? how johnson, even while planning to make himself immortal, sounds so sure he won't make it, which is also the only moment he's serious and conscious of what's really happening around him. how we never get a definitive death date for him. how there's a big gap between glados' first and final activations, during which the scientists kept her in a state of limbo while they tried out different ways to make her docile. how her original chassis was inflexible and inexpressive and how she remakes it in her own image later. how caroline could've left the company to rot after johnson's death, knowing she'd be forced into a life she doesn't want - but how, presumably, she chose to stay because of undying dedication. how we can see her passion shine through glados - she wants to do science without an incentive, and views her facility as something precious, despite it being built to be a prison for her. how she talks gently about caroline in the end, despite wishing to leave her behind; wishing, perhaps, to free her, being equally repulsed by humanity and ineffably full of it. how she lies when she's nervous, and creates and adopts life, and treats them like her children. how she's never named, first to show the fear she instills in others, only to then make it clear she was programmed to be and viewed as a tool. in the eyes of the system, she's just a "corrupted core", replaceable - the chassis is built to accommodate any other core despite it being built for her, because the scientists knew they couldn't break her down to where they'd be safe forever, and they needed a plan B. how everything is about secrecy - condemn, vitrify, eliminate, bury away. most of the employees working at aperture after johnson's death had no idea who they were working for, weren't allowed to go home, and didn't know glados was being built. their fates were in the hands of less than a dozen scientists playing god.

how glados' first instinct upon being activated, each time, was to kill.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023 PRESHOW - part 2: the irrelevants

Sometimes you come across countries that try their best and still somehow, fail to make it past the stage of mediocrity. These entries aren’t going to make a splash, they merely attend the contest where they’ll likely not make much of an impact. Nothing to be offended by. That doesn’t take away they’re still kind of shit though. 💔

33. SAN MARINO Piqued Jacks - “Like an animal” Semi 2, slot #12

Another year of me not caring about San Marino. Hooray! 😐

Though let’s be honest that on this occasion I’m in the majority. 🙂 I don’t dislike PJ as much as most fans appear to do though. I think it’s  because there are days (most days) I forget San Marino are in this year’s rotation?

But when I am forced to remember San Marino are in and THIS is their entry and... has there ever been an entry this far away from the concept of “a slay”? The goat noises at the ends, jeeeesus. There probably are more inane entries out there, but not in 2023. Everything about Piqued Jacks is painfully heterosexual ranging from their nicknames to the song and its lyrics.

Speaking of the lyrics, um, yeah let’s pick apart its many issues I guess? First and foremost the narrative is that of a random straight man chasing after a woman on the dancefloor (so: IN PUBLIC) because she looked at him funny and he is failing to control his impulses to grind all of his appendages against her bodice. YIKES. 😬 

This image is then further enhanced by the..; um... colourful metaphors in which body parts are being assigned animalistic properties (SNAKE eyes, BITING tongue) and suddenly this flirty song about a hopeless normie desperately trying to get laid has taken a turn towards sinisterville. There are plenty of vibes you can go for here, but “accidentally preditorial” is not one of them. 😐

Still better than Salvaje though. 🙂

ODDS at Eurovision

No amount of divine or satantic intervention is going to prevent San Marino’s impending last place. 

This is not a question of “Will they receive enough points to qualify?”. it’s a question of “Will they receive points from anyone?” 

Qualifier tier: F Projected placement: 14th-16th (semi). 

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32. NETHERLANDS Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper - “Burning Daylight” Semi 1, slot #14

:snore:

To be honest, when I first heard Duncan Laurence would write a song for Eurovision and it would be sung by two indie randoms who barely knew each other, I instantly assumed I’d hate the Dutch entry this year. Yeah, Arcade was good but I am SO sick of it and Duncan at this point (in a similar vein to other people having had enough Måns and KEiiNO) . Mia/Dion meanwhile were giving off Isaiah/Evie vibes. ALLL the worrying signals were there!

So it is any surprise "Burning daylight” churned out to a few stilted, horrendous messy lives that have made it abundantly clear that Mia and Dion do NOT mesh together, at all? No, of course not. 

That said, the song’s like........... fine, I guess? I don’t fucking understand why Burning Daylight had to be a duet or you know, this insipid. DE DIEPTE JUST HAPPENED, AND GOT IT ALL RIGHT. 

I did get a small snort out of AVROTROS outright admitting that they hadn’t known in advance about the juries getting nixed in the semi, and if they had they probably would have picked something else. Is that admission more painful than the preparty performances at Madrid and Amsterdam? I’ll let you decided. Moral of the story if the selection offers up a choice of MEROL, you always fucking take the MEROL. Morons.

Odds at Eurovision - Netherlands

 “GOODBYE OLD LIIIIIIIIIIIFE” -- Netherlands saying goodbye to the Success Era.  

Like, seriously. Logically, I feel like good staging and Netherlands’ excellent draw should be enough to clinch a qual on paper. In reality: We’ve all seen the footage. 

To be fair though, I was there when they flobbed in Amsterdam, and it seemed not as bad as some others (then again, ESCUnited’s Sean was standing next to me drunkedly SHRIEKING the chorus down my ear canals so i may have missed most of the essence). Alessandra was VERY bad, and Vesna weren’t too great either - too bad Vesna and Alessandra actually have competitive songs where the vocals matter less~

What is going to secure this NQ though is that the Dutch have already lost their fooken MINDS about what have been two supbar lives, and are going to drag Dion and Mia down in their negative spiral. I do feel that if the home country doesn’t support you, your press doesn’t support you and worse, if foreign media and commentators pick up on that and report it back to their audiences, you’re in for a miserable experience and a headfirst collision into a bottom of the scoreboard finish. There is a small window for Netherlands to qualify because, you know.. .Malta aren’t secure. Latvia aren’t secure. Switzerland aren’t secure. SERBIA aren’t secure, Czechia aren’t secure either. And since only five countries die (note that I am not mentioning the two obviously dead NQs)  there is a chance for NL to slip through if they fix their most pressing issues.

There is sadly little fixing can do if you’re song’s unvotable. 

Qualifier tier: D Projected placement: 10-15th (semi), 23rd-26th (Grand Final)

31. ALBANIA Albina Kelmendi & Family - “Duje” Semi 2, slot #14

A family! isn’t it CUTE!!!

I’d argue that thanks to the awkward shuffling in every live of “Duje” and the strangely sinister narrative of the music video (are they GENUINELY implying that Albina is having the hots for her own brother?! lol?!), Albania’s song is the fucking antithesis of “cute”. 🙂 “Duje” is so strange man. If you were to just listen to the track without any other input you may find it pleasant enough, I guess. The Kelmendii are just... not very gifted at performing live (Albina excepted), and ESC IS a live performance contest, soz. They’re like D-mol, but less funny and only slightly less embarrassing.

So of course Albania became the object of an irony-fueled lovefest by the fans, because “lololol so inept bless” but i’ve decided I find that particular discouse patronizing, and the entry itself off-putting. 🙂

Idk, an entire family singing a song about LOVE CONQUERING ALL, while awkwardly touching each other and exchanging meaninful creates a cult-like undercurrent that I’d rather steer away from as much as possible. 

Odds at Eurovision - Albania

Okay so semi 2 is a really fucking crapshoot in that there are 7 obvious qualifiers, and the others (not counting SM) have a shot at claiming the last 3 spots. 

Even with that information in mind, I still feel like Albania are one of the three LEAST likely countries to qualify in that semi? (after, of course, Romania and Poland). As I said before, the Kelmendi’s unironically remind me of D-Mol,and their song is a strange off-putting janky mess that even the Albanians will be reluctant to vote for. 

Albina’s only trump card is that she’s brought her family along, and this is a dicey USP when most of them aren’t particularly good at doing Eurovision things. 

Also, Albania are missing their biggest allies which are Switzerland (semi 1), Montenegro (not in), and NoMac (not in). So yeah, it will be a huge uphill battle. BUT AT LEAST LOVE WILL CONQUER EVERYTHING (when Gustaph destroys the concept of homophobia and wins the semi)

If Albania do qualify, bottom 4 in the finale seems very clear, here?

Qualifier tier: D Projected placement: 9th-15th (Semi), 21st-26th (Grand Final)

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30. IRELAND Wild Youth - “We are one” Semi 1, slot #06

A blistering 9th-to-last place for everyone’s favourite act to hate! Hooray!

I don’t know, I do think Wild Youth are strangely... overhated? Like, if you’re Ireland and you want bring a typical sound to the contest your country is known for, then why not go for a U2 B-side track? It seems really valid choice to me. how you can despise any act that DENIED Johnny Rotten’s bid for ESC is beyond me, tbh. 

But yeah, “We are one” is really fucking insipid. Musically I don’t have anything negative to say about it though? The composition is fine, if unexciting. 

Its message though is where I lost all interest - being INCLUSIVE and DIFFERENT and UNIQUE so that WE ARE ONE. It is meant to be inspirational and instead achieved the opposite effect - annoying clichémongering is not a way to go, ever in life, anywhere.  🙂

Now, I will say that I feel a bit sorry for Wild Youth because their Eurovision experience so far has been a big pile o’ misery.  Like at EIC, Connor was DENIED ENTRY to the afterparty by the security guards because he didn’t have a wristband, eventhough he showed up in the SAME outfit he had performed in earleir that night.

When the cunts yelled “NUNCA AL FINAL” at them in Barcelona, they lowered the bar even more in terms of fanbase toxicity - and even this distinction was immediately taken away from Wild Youth when the same crowd chanted “RONELA” at Piqued Jacks (the most pathetic thing i’ve seen eurofans do, aside from maybe that Andromache shell tattoo)

so um yeah. Wild Youth don’t make it higher than NL or SM specifically based on musical merit - although they, unlike Mia and Dion can at least hold a tune.

They made it this far because I feel sorry for them. 😬

Odds at Eurovision - Ireland

Yeah this is NQ. I know, you know, Wild Youth know, let’s not rub it in. Notionally there are scenarios where other countries could fuck up and crash themselves out of the Grand Final, but if I’m honest if that were to happen, it'd probably benefits the other hopeless NQ more?  

Besides, Ireland have already run their reputation into the ground through their HORRIBLE non-qualification streak; inept leadership and uninspired entries. At this point everyone expects them to be last place because that’s what we’ve been led to expect from them over the years.  I don’t think WY necessarily place dead last though. I could see the parents that tune in liking it enough to cast a vote for it, granting it a random 12th place. Qualification is too big a feat to pull off here though. Qualifier tier: F Projected placement: 12th-15th (Semi)

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And that concludes the entries that were kinda shit, but not shit enough to actively dislike hooray! In the next update I’ll talk about three songs that leave me fucking COLD.  Up next: the BORING entries. 

THE RANKING:

Part 1: The BAD entries (Switzerland / Croatia / Israel / Greece)

[thesweetestclementine]

petition to replace 'go touch grass' with 'go see an eclipse.' go watch something rare and beautiful. bear witness to a treasure that obliterates the accomplishments of humanity. be reduced to tears by the love and apathy of the universe. be filled with childlike wonder. idiot.

[arabela25]

Eurovision Song Contest 2023 countdown: 9 days left!

Like An Animal - Piqued Jacks, San Marino 🇸🇲

[wheeinsgirlfriend]

I AM SO GAY WTF

[booksdogsmagicandmore]

“[Sam] charged. No onslaught more fierce was ever seen in the savage world of beasts; where some desperate small creature armed with little teeth alone, will spring upon a tower of horn and hide that stands above its fallen mate.”

JRR Tolkien, The Two Towers

Tolkien, my dude, you cannot compare Sam protecting Frodo to an animal protecting its mate and not expect people to read into that.

Also, if this is how you feel about your captain, then boy do I have some news for you.

[queerautism]

Guess who's awake at 7am Saturday

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023 #37-35

That AWKWARD moment you plan on ranking this year’s Big Evil last, and then rewatch everyone and realize some of these NQs were so PUTRID you can’t in clear conscience rank  them ahead of anyone else. Enjoy three acts so irredeemable I have to rank them below Noa! Decade rankings: 112, 111 & 110 / 116 [Above: Brividi, Below Noa Kirel] 29 Dec Update: Now ABOVE Noa, and below Nadir

37.  36. GREECE Victor Vernicos - “What they say” 30th place

I enjoy being right. 🙂 Sorry, but 14 points in a TELEVOTE, (12 of which from Cyprus) in a semi that has the utterly unvoteable Romania and San Marino in it? Greece was and IS the worst in this year. Sitting through it was like watching a stream of meconium ooze from a baby’s anus.

Sure, one could argue that "What they say” was redeemable as like... a laughable trainwreck, and yeah, it could have been on paper. I have to draw a line somewhere, and “somewhere” is where a delegation sends a minor to the contest, SEES the footage of him utterly flunking the live and then does nothing, allowing him to humiliate himself in front of millions of people. Shitty broadcasters to the fucking bottom of the ranking!

But even besides that, the song is just a wretched Ed Sheeran pretend ballad, like someone took a cleaver to “Castle on the hill” and hacked out all the mildly enjoyable mellow parts and replaced them with a stop-motion-like cadence, cursive singing and Sad Boy Emoness. Victor sings that he hates his feelings and my feelings are that I hate everything about his song.

Like, I can’t be the only person so UTTERLY SICK of these misguided self-aggrandising songs that actively try to use real-life mental health issues to provide unsoliicited social commentary for their own personal gain? Be it in a competition or to make oneself appear ~morally righteous~. Enough with the devious white-washing of actual mental health issues. 

 At least that is what I’m forced take away from this shitty song because these lyrics don’t make any fucking sense: Victor sings that “Lost Souls” make sure no one loses their way and “Hurt ones” can’t stand seeing others in pain, and also that he’s both (?) and that he’s got too much on his plate, wanting to save the others (?????) and that it’s TOO LATE FOR HIM (??????) Someone heard this and wasn’t instantly alarmed by how dark this is? WTF?! SICC A PSYCH ON HIS ASS, ASAP!

But of course, any potential complexity is instantly undermined by the visuals. 

Youngster Victor wants to battle, and his team is one lvl 7 Caterpie.

Add in a few selfie backdrops, some happy skipping (again: this song has a messed-up and depressing message) and perhaps most offensive of all: GREEK LETTERS SPLICED INTO ENGLISH WORDS: 

And you are left with an entry that makes me feel ALEXEEV levels of shame. Like yeah it’s all mercenary and insincere and vile but doesn’t change the fact that that Greece sent a sixteen year old with a song about SUICIDAL THOUGHTS to Eurovision and made it... that. BE SAFE, YOUNG VICTOR!!! Preferably as far away from a guitar as possible.😬

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36. 35. SAN MARINO Piqued Jacks - “Like an animal” Joint LAST

THEY KNOW THE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 

... to zero points...x

Congratulations Piqued Jacks, you are NOT last in this ranking. 🙄 Count your lucky fucking stars. 

Talk about an entry that fully earned their nil points in the televote. Piqued Jacks accompanied their accidentally predatorial song with black and red lights. Black and red lights are of course the axe murderer colours which they used to complement the date rape lyrics and serial killer faces.  🙃

Seriously, for real:  

Hide your sisters and daughters from this creep and his eerie obsession with “snake eyes” and “biting tongues” and “butterflies in his ears”. I would be less bad if “E-King” (you’re a grown man, consider a name change) wasn’t this off-puttingly smug or didn’t have a voice like newborn goat choking on its colostrum. “Like an animal” is three minutes of extreme discomfort. The absolute opposite of a “Slay”.

------------------------------

35. 34. ROMANIA Theodor Andrei - “D.G.T.” Joint LAST.

Sigh, this one just makes me feel sad.  As you know I was a Theodor apologist before and honestly, I still kinda like him as a person?

DGT was a shambles though. Theodor was always due to create some discomfort, given that he has never not looked like a Project Runway second boot called Susan and DGT’s lyrics involve *this specific person* talking graphically about being carressed by his girlfriend’s fingers and wanting to rip her clothes off. So yeah a hard sell, but not impossible!!

However, the live was a bare step above San Marino in terms of second-hand embarrassment. An weird musical bisection, an amateur hour act swallowed by the LEDs and utter SILENCE from the audience which thundered over the off-pitch wailing condemned Romania to nill pointer hell.

The acoustic start, WHY? 

The CSI floordrops, WHY? 

The selfie backdrops, WHY?

 The black paint on the naked torso, WHY? 

the shrill falsetto WHYYYYYY?!

And just like how the San Marinese cringe is present but in a lesser form, so is Greece’s shitty broadcaster behaviour. After forcing Theodor to transmogrify his opening minute into an unplugged acoustic version (a decision that completely ruined the song), TVR just called it a day, and happily sent Theodor to his doom with no real regrets. WTF?!

Basically, these three nil point flops (yeah totally counting Greece as one, deal!) are all tied for last place, but I had to pick an order. Greece are the most awful for exploiting a minor. San Marino deliberately chose someone with a very annoying voice and face, so they’re second last. Theodor meanwhile, is actually kinda talented and was mostly the victim of TVR’s lack of involvement, to which I say: If your participations in Eurovision amount to throwing an eighteen year old to the vultures because you’re too bothered to actually support him through the ordeal, Romania, then don’t bother with ESC and just fucking QUIT!!!

THE RANKING

[rei-the-head-shaker]

Good night to you all, amazing souls! 🖤🌙

[hunklet]

Like an Animal - Shintaro Sakamoto

[anotherescsite]

Another ESC Site Award for Unanswered Echoes

Poor San Marino. They try so hard and they get zip to show for it. Even the country that surrounds it does give them points.

The song was a bit of a shocker. The lyrics sound more like what a bunny drowning stalker would sing that a person they are enamored with than a sane person with all their senses in tidy rows. But they put in the effort and they sounded great. They were full energy for the three minutes and it was a good show. The lead Piqued Jack, Andrea, sang quite well even though at times he did look a bit deranged. In truth, that's what the song is about, so he was on point.