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angelsandacceptance · 3 years

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Wishful Thinking

“It just doesn't make any sense, Dean. I mean, why would Uriel tell me you remembered Hell if you didn't?” Sam asks for what seems like the thousandth time.

The girls roll their eyes in synch at the boys’ antics. They all sit at a table in a bar, drinking various things, as well as picking apart a plate of fries.

Dean downs another shot. “Maybe because he's a dick. Might have something to do with it.”

“Maybe, but he’s still an angel.”

“Yeah, an angel who was ready to level a whole town. Look, I don’t know what-” “Radical,” The waiter says, coming up to their table right at that moment. “What else can I get for you?”

“Uh, I think we’re good,” Sam says.

“Speak for yourself,” Chase says. “I’d like whatever dessert you’d recommend, unless pie is an option. Pie is life. And I’ll take another few rounds of these,” she finishes, pushing a couple of now empty shot glasses towards him.

“A few more meaning?”

“Six.”

The waiter, looking slightly startled, walks away.

“Sam, honestly, I have no idea why Uriel told you what he did, okay?” Dean says, finishing what he was trying to say earlier.

“Right,” Sam says, unconvinced.

“What?” Dean asks.

“You gotta see it from our point of view, Dean,” Chase says. “You’re not sounding very believable. Right, Harley?”

“I think if Dean isn’t ready to talk about it we shouldn’t pry.” Harley answers.

“I’m fine talking,” Dean says gruffly. “I just don’t remember anything.”

“Okay. Fine. Then look me in the eye and tell me you don't remember a thing from your time down under,” Sam says, continuing to grill him despite Harley’s efforts.

“I don't remember a thing from my time down under. I don't remember, Sam!”

“Look, Dean, we just want to help.”

“You guys know everything I do, okay? That’s all there is.”

“Outstanding!” The waiter exclaims, coming back over with a tray. “Here’s your dessert and drinks, and is there anything else I can get for you?”

“Dude,” Dean says, looking at the waiter.

“Look, bros, you’ve got to try our ice cream extreme. It’s extreme.”

“Uh, no, no extremities please. Just the-”

“Check? Awesome, alright!”

Sam huffs, causing Chase to smile. He’s always hated getting interrupted. “Thanks.”

“Alright, so where do we go from here?” Harley asks once the waiter has disappeared.

“I'm not sure. Uh, looks like it's been pretty quiet lately. No signs of demon activity, no omens or portents I can see,” Sam says.

“Hey, some good news for once!” Chase says, throwing back the second shot already.

“Yeah, just the typical smattering of crank UFO sightings and one possible vengeful spirit. Here, check this out. Uh... Up in Concrete, Washington, eyewitness reports of a ghost that's been haunting the showers of a women's health facility.” Dean chokes on his drink. “The victim claims that the ghost threw her down a flight of stairs. I can see you're very interested.”

“Women, showers,” Dean says. “We got to save these people.”

“Really, Dean?” Chase asks in disgust. “At least be better at pretending you want to actually just help.”

“What?” Dean asks in feign innocence. “We gotta help ‘em.”

***

“I'm not surprised the spirit world chose to make contact with me. I'm something of a... natural sensitive.” Candace, the victim, says.

“I can sense that about you, Candace, that whole... sensitive thing.” Sam responds.

“So, what did you say you're calling your book?”

“Oh, well, um... Well, the working title is... ‘Supernatural.’ Yeah, We've been crossing the country, gathering stories like yours. But, anyways, you were telling us about your encounter.”

“Yes. Well…” Candace sighs, “Once I saw the apparition, that's when I started to run.”

Sam and Chase notice a peculiar couple making out across the divider. Peculiar in the sense that the woman was way out of the man’s league. Sam keeps staring confused while Chase quickly adverts her gaze and scrunches her nose, a habit of hers whenever she’s uncomfortable. Chase elbows Sam because despite being weird, there isn’t anything paranormal about the couple.

“So the ghost chased you?” Chase asks.

“Not just that. It knew my name. It kept yelling, "Mrs. Armstrong! Mrs. Armstrong!" And that's when I hit the stairs and fell.” Candace responded.

“You fell?” Sam asks. “It didn’t push you?.”

“Oh, I don't – I don't know. I mean, I think it did. Maybe?”

Chase rolls her eyes. ‘Great.’

“Did you feel like it meant to hurt you, like it was violent, or anything like that?” Chases questions.

“It was a ghost. I'm lucky to be alive. Anyway, I was at the bottom of the stairs, and that's when it got weird. It helped me up.” Candace says slightly chuckling.

“Say again?” Sam asks.

“Yeah. It helped me up. And it kept saying over and over, ‘Please, don't tell my mom.’”

Chase snorts at this, earning a look from Candace. “Sorry, that’s just an odd thing for it to say.”

“It is weird,” she agrees.

“Yeah,” Sam says. “Weird.”

***

“You take the stairwell and I’ll take the showers.” Harley says, getting out of the Impala.

“Come on, why can’t I take the showers?” Dean asks, getting out as well.

“Um… I don’t know because you’re you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asks, slightly offended.

“Look Dean. It’s not happening, period.”

“You know you’re hot when you know what you want,” Dean says, sneaking up and hugging her from behind.

“No amount of flattery or affection is going to get you into those showers.”

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” Dean relents, letting go of Harley, pouting.

***

Harley and Dean sat on the steps of the fitness center waiting for Sam and Chase. Dean had found a newspaper and was looking through it. The headline said that a local man had won the lottery.

“Well, you pick up anything?” Sam asks them.

“Nada,” Harley sighs.

“Yeah. I'm not surprised. I kind of got the feeling back there that crazy pushed Mrs. Armstrong down the stairs.”

“I got to tell you, I'm pretty disappointed.” Dean adds.

“Of course you are,” Chase says rolling her eyes.

Dean and Harley got up and the four began making their way back to their respective cars. A kid ran by followed by three others.

“Come on, guys, get him!” One of the presumably bullies says.

“I got him! I got him!” Another yells.

Dean being Dean has to make a reference and calls after the kid running from the others, “Run, Forrest, run!”

“I don't think anything's going on around here,” Chase says. “Maybe for once we get a break?”

“When do we ever get breaks?” Harley asks.

“Never,” Chase sighs dramatically.

The hunters overhear a man arguing with a cop on the pier, “How the hell was I supposed to get a look at it? It grabbed me from behind and threw me into a tree!”

“Something's going on,” Dean comments.

“Yeah, okay, Gus. I understand you got shook up. Anyone would be. But don't you think it – Don't you think it had to be a bear?” The cop asks.

“I know a damn bear track when I see one! This thing didn't leave bear tracks! Its feet were huge!” Gus answers.

“Now, Gus…”

“It was Bigfoot, Hal – The Bigfoot!”

At this the group started walking towards Gus and Hal.

“Gus, you're not talking sense here.”

“There's a Bigfoot out there, damn it, and he's a son of a bitch!”

“Excuse us, FBI,” Sam says, breaking the ice as they all pull out their badges.

“What?” Hal, the cop, responds.

“We’re here about Bigfoot,” Harley states matter-of-factly.

“About Bigfoot?”

“Yes.” Harley promptly turns towards Gus. “Can you tell me exactly where this happened?”

“Why, yes, I can,” Gus says, shooting a victorious look to the cop

***

“What the hell's going on in this town? First there's a ghost that's not real, and now a Bigfoot sighting?” Dean asks.

The four hunters wander through the forest, near where Gus said he’d spotted Bigfoot. Mosquitos swarm around them, trees densely surrounding the few miles around. Chase, already sick of being in the woods, was already bitten several times by the annoying bugs.

“Well, every hunter who’s worth their salt knows Bigfoot’s a hoax,” Sam says.

“Chase, didn’t you used to actually believe in Bigfoot?” Dean asks.

“Only because you told me he did!” Chase retorts. “Everything else is real, so I’m sorry if my seven-year-old self decided to believe her older brother.”

“In all fairness, he could just be really good at staying under the radar. I mean we didn’t think angels were real. Now we’ve met Cas and that asshole brother of his.” Harley adds.

“Well, maybe someone’s pumping LSD into the town water supply,” Dean jokes.

“Then what made those?” Chase asks, stopping suddenly, pointing at large tracks, which couldn’t possibly have been made by a bear.

“That, uh... is a big foot.” Sam says hesitantly.

“Well, okay then,” Chase says.

“Bigfoot isn’t looking so crazy all of the sudden,” Harley states.

The hunters begin following the tracks to a liquor store. Upon entering they notice that no one else is there and that the place is ransacked.

“So, what – Bigfoot breaks into a liquor store, jonesing for some hooch?” Dean says, before leaning down to inspect a few broken bottles, “Amaretto and Irish cream. He's a girl-drink drunk.”

Harley rolls her eyes at the comment.

“Dean, as a female, you should be and definitely are fully aware that I can match you in alcohol consumption. And Harley could probably outdrink all of us if she actually drank.”

“Yeah, but you’re different.”

Chase raises an eyebrow. “Choose your next words very, very carefully, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes widen and he simply turns around to keep investigating. “Seriously? He took the whole porno rack? I will repeat myself. What is going on in this town?”

After one final sweep of the place, they found some fur and decided to sit outside, pondering what this all meant.

“I got nothing,” Dean says, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.

“It’s got to be a joke, right?” Sam asks.

“Yeah,” Chase agrees. “Maybe a big-ass motherfucker in a gorilla suit?”

“Probably,” Harley agrees.

“Or it's a Bigfoot. You know, and he's some kind of a alcoholo-porno addict. Kind of like a deep-woods Duchovny.” Dean adds.

“I thought you didn’t believe in Bigfoot,” Harley teases.

Dean gives her a pointed look. “Yeah, well, it seems everything’s getting weirder by the day, so what else am I supposed to believe?” He frowns, looking past Harley, to see a little girl on a bike, riding past. A porno magazine falls out of the basket attached to her bike, causing all four of the hunters to pause. “A little young for Busty Asian Beauties.”

“I don’t think she’s our Bigfoot, but she might know him. I say we follow her.”

***

“What's this, like a ‘Harry and the Hendersons’ deal?” Dean asks when they arrive at the little girl’s house.

They knock on the door and the little girl answers, “Hello?”

“Hello! Um, could we... You know what? Are your parents home?” Sam asks.

“Nope.”

“No,” Chase repeats in dejection.

“Look, we just want to know if you’ve seen anyone really furry with big feet?” Harley says, probably a little too sharply. She’s never been particularly great with kids.

“Is he in trouble?” The little girl asks worriedly.

“No, of course not,” Chase says, kneeling down to the girl’s height. “We just want to make sure he’s okay.”

“Exactly!” Dean says.

“He’s my teddy bear,” she says. “I think he’s sick.”

“That’s perfect!” Chase says enthusiastically. “Because, we are… teddy bear doctors!” She bluffs, shooting a look back to have the others cover her ass.

“That’s us, teddy bear doctors, so if we could see your teddy bear we might be able to make him better,” Harley quickly says.

“Really?” The little girl asks.

“Really,” Chase says.

***

“He's in my bedroom. He's pretty grumpy,” Audrey says, knocking on the door. “Teddy? There's some nice doctors here to see you.” She opens the door to show a giant stuffed bear turn to them.

“Close the fucking door!” the bear explains, causing Chase’s eyes to widen. She glances quickly at Audrey, hoping she wasn’t taking note of the language being used. Audrey quickly closes the door and turns back to the hunters with a shrug.

“See what I mean?” she asks.

The four hunters, disguised as teddy bear doctors, turn to each other skeptically. They follow Audrey into the living room, allowing them to sit and talk to her.

“All I ever wanted was a teddy which was big, real, and talked. But now he's sad all the time – not "ouch" sad, but ouch-in-the-head sad – says weird stuff, and smells like the bus,” Audrey explains to the four, who all watch her carefully.

Chase snorts, “I understand that feeling.”

“Little girl,” Dean starts.

“Audrey!” Audrey exclaims, chastising Dean again for not using her name.

“Audrey,” Dean corrects, “How exactly did your teddy bear become real?”

“I wished for it,” she says simply, as though it would be obvious.

“You wished for it?” Harley asks hesitantly.

“At the wishing well,” Audrey says, further explaining.

They stand awkwardly outside the bedroom door, looking to each other nervously. Dean opens the door slightly, allowing all four to peer in. A large teddy bear sits on the bed, facing a loud tv, displaying the news.

“Look at this,” the bear says, gesturing to the propaganda being spewed to the viewers. “You believe this crap?”

Dean raises his brows, pursing his lips slightly. “Not really.”

“It is a terrible world,” the bear continues to moan. “Why am I here?”

“For tea parties!” Audrey exclaims expectantly and excitedly.

“Tea parties? Is that all there is?” he demands, gunfire on the tv momentarily distracting him enough for Dean to close the door and turn to Audrey.

“Audrey,” Sam asks. “Can you give us a minute?”

“Okay,” she says, skipping off to the other room.

“Okay,” Sam repeats, turning back to others. “Should-should we kill this bear?”

“I think it might kill itself,” Harley says, grimacing.

“I hate to agree, but I agree,” Chase sighs.

“So what? We leave it alone?” Dean asks.

“I mean I don’t know,” Harley says.

“What would we even do? Shoot it? Burn it?” Chase asks sarcastically.

“How do we even know that's gonna work? I don't want some giant, flaming, pissed-off teddy on our hands,” Dean says.

“Yeah. Besides, I get the feeling that the bear isn't really the, you know, core problem here,” Sam sighs. They quickly make their way to Audrey. “Audrey. Where are your parents?”

She pauses a moment. “My mom wished they were in Bali, so I think they're in Bali.”

Chase’s eyes widen. “I wish I could do that.”

“Okay, well... I'm really sorry to have to break this to you, but... your bear is sick. Yeah, he's – he's got…” Sam pauses, shooting a look to all the other

“Depre-” Harley starts. Chase smacks a palm over her best friend’s mouth, her eyes cursing at her, as she has to improvise.

“Lollipop...disease,” Chase forces out, thinking of the most innocent seeming idea.

“Yeah!” Sam says, jumping on board. “Lollipop disease.”

“It's not uncommon for a bear his size. But, see, it's – it’s really contagious,” Dean explains.

“Yeah, so, is there – is there someone, maybe a grown-up, that you can stay with while we treat him?” Sam asks.

“Mrs. Hurley lives down the street,” Audrey says.

Chase shoots Harley a disgusted look, only now tearing her hand away, because Harley licked it. Chase wipes it on Harley’s shoulder, earning an eye roll from the boys as Harley tries to contain her laughter.

“Perfect,” Dean says.

“Good, yeah, good. Uh, we'd like you to stay there for a few days, okay?” Sam requests.

Audrey shrugs, nonplussed. “Okay.”

“Oh, and, Audrey? Where is this wishing well?” Chase asks.

***

The four hunters stare up at the sign, reading Lucky Chin's Chinese Restaurant, wordlessly sending each other furtive glances, not wishing to go inside. Eventually, the girls wander over to the door and pull it open, allowing the boys to step in, just as a child exits.

“I know what I’m wishing for,” Harley says as soon as they step in making a beeline to the fountain.

“What are you going to wish for?” Sam asks as the other three follow Harley.

“I can’t tell you until after I make my wish.” She rolls her eyes and throws a coin in.

They wait a minute.

“Did it work?” Dean asks.

“Dunno? I don’t really feel any different.” Harley says, “I guess it did?”

“What did you wish for?” Sam asks.

“To be human.”

The three Winchesters stare at her in shock.

“Are you sure that was smart? All these wishes seem to be going awry, and you don’t know the kind of repercussions that could result from you wanting that-” Chase rambles in worry, concern filling her brown eyes as she stares at her best friend. Harley interrupts her, holding a hand up. “Sorry.”

“Well, my turn then,” Dean says, stepping forward.

“What’re you wishing for?” Sam asks, curious.

“Shh,” Dean holds up a hand. “Not supposed to tell.”

He tosses a coin in and not even a second later, a man walks in, “Somebody order a footlong Italian with jalapeño?”

Dean grins at the others, before holding his hand up slightly. “That’d be me.”

“Why don’t you wish for something?” Harley asks Chase.

Chase shrugs. “I dunno what to wish for.”

“How about like, a book, or cat ears, or something.”

“Sure, let me just ask for a headband,” Chase laughs, fishing a coin out of her pocket.

Pulling out a quarter, she approaches the wishing well. Tossing in the coin silently, she waits with bated breath, a hand outstretched, awaiting her cat ears. She frowns, turning around.

“I guess they don’t all work,” she shrugs.

Harley snickers, pointing at her head. “They’re right there.”

Chase reaches up, and pulls off a headband, cat ears that match her hair -dark brown with red streaks. She smiles before resituating them on her head. “Okay, cool, so what do we do about this?”

“I don’t know. Stopping people’s wishes from coming true sounds like a dick move.”

The four went to sit in a booth and talk things over.

“I’m guessing this is also a result,” Chase says, gesturing to the headlines in the newspaper.

“And that,” Sam agrees, pointing to a couple over at a different table.

“Unless he’s got a really great personality or he’s rich, definitely,” Harley adds.

“Yeah, ‘personality’,” Dean says.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

Dean winks at Harley from across the booth. Chase snorts. Dean turns his look to Chase, a frown settling across his face as he glares at her playfully. Chase shrugs in defense, reaching a hand up to readjust her cat ears.

Dean takes a bite of his sandwich, moaning slightly. He points to it with a full mouth and a wide grin. “Thish ish good.”

“Ew,” Chase says. “Close your mouth, swallow, and then say something. God, Dean.”

Dean just grins at her wider.

Sam rolls his eyes and interrupts. “So, you’re right, it seems like a dick move, but come on, man. When has something like this ever come without a price tag? And usually a deadly one.”

“Sam’s got a point,” Harley says.

“I don't know. It's a damn good sandwich. All right. Fine. We'll put a hold on the wishing till we figure out what's going on,” Dean sighs.

“Uh, sir, sir, I’m sorry,” a worker comes over to their table. “We don’t allow people to eat outside food here.”

“Well, I am certainly not gonna eat the inside food here. Health department. You, my friend, have a rat infestation. We're gonna have to shut this place down under emergency hazard code 56C.”

Chase raises a brow, but then nods solemnly, trying to play along.

“Rats?” The man exclaims in shock.

***

The four hunters stand side by side, looking into the now-drained fountain. The buddha is plaster, paint peeling from its old, wearied edges, the smile thoroughly creeping out Chase. She looks away from it, scanning the bottom of the fountain, but nothing seems out of place.

“Typical fountain, plaster Buddha. Nothing I can see,” Dean says.

“Yes,” the chinese worker says, agreeing enthusiastically. “Nothing. We keep a clean place here.”

“Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave during the preliminary investigation, okay? Thank you,” Sam says. The man leaves, though a sour look adorns his face.

“Oh, come on. Aren't you a little bit tempted?” Dean asks, flipping a coin to Sam.

Sam chuckles lightly, handing the coin back to Dean. “No. Wouldn’t be real. I wouldn’t trust it.”

“I don’t know, that bear seemed pretty real,” Chase says.

“Wasn’t the bear a depressed drunk?” Harley asks.

Chase waves her off. “No matter.”

“Come on, if you could wish yourself back, you know, before it all started... Think about it. You'd be some big yuppie lawyer with a nice car and a white picket fence,” Dean says, ignoring the girls’ deliberation.

“Not what I’d wish for,” Sam says.

“Seriously?” Dean looks at Sam, surprised.

“It's too late to go back to our old lives, Dean. I'm not that guy anymore,” Sam deadpans.

“All right, well, what, then? Hmm? What would little, baby Sammy wish for?” Chase asks, teasing her younger brother.

He looks at her, a serious expression on his face. It causes Chase to pause. “Lilith’s head on a plate. Bloody.”

Harley attempts to whistle lowly, forgetting she can’t whistle at all. “Shit, I’d like that too.”

“Also,” Sam says, lightening up slightly, “You’re by far, much smaller than me.”

Chase rolls her eyes, pouting slightly. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“What’s that?” Dean asks, pointing to an old coin at the bottom of the fountain.

The three others turn to look at it closely, unsure of what it is.

“Some kind of old coin. I don't recognize the markings,” Sam says.

“Neither do I,” Harley adds.

Dean bends over and goes to grab it, but can’t seem to pull it off the fountain floor. “Damn,” he grunts, unable to move it at all.

“Lift with your legs,” Sam jokes.

“That little fucker really is welded on there,” Dean says.

“Let me try,” Harley says, attempting to pick up the coin. It didn’t even budge. “Noted, I’m not freakishly strong anymore. Guess I really am human.”

The boys left to grab a crowbar and a mallet. The worker attempted to stop them once he saw the tools, but the boys brushed past him.

“Let me see that. I got an idea,” Dean says referring to the mallet, he already had the crowbar. He wedged the end of the crowbar between the coin and the fountain, and hit the mallet against the crowbar. The head of the mallet flew off almost hitting Harley in the face.

“That was close. Too close,” Harley says once the mallet head lands.

“Coin's magical,” Sam says.

“I’d say,” Chase agrees.

“I think it’s hoodoo that keeps it protected,” Dean adds. “We can’t destroy it.”

Sam apparently keeps a pencil and paper on him and takes a frottage of the coin handing it to Dean as he was closest to Sam.

“All right, here. Y’all got to look into this.” Sam adds.

“Where you going?” Dean asks.

“Something just occurred to me.”

***

Chase sits, leaning against the wall of her and Harley’s motel room as she waits for her best friend. For some reason, Harley is sick. She’s sitting on the bathroom floor, waiting until she gets sick again, her head resting against the cabinet door, next to the toilet.

Chase herself didn’t feel the greatest. Her head pounded and her ears were ringing. A click lets her know that Harley is exiting the bathroom and Chase sits up straighter, trying to ignore how sensitive to the light her eyes are.

“Feeling any better?”

Harley shakes her head. “Not really.”

“Any idea what it could be?”

Harley shakes her head again, sighing deeply. “It could be something bloodborne. Something I picked up from a bad blood bag?”

“Yep, no superhuman strength, no immunities, and you’re probably not going to get any better soon.”

Harley looks up, a retort on her lips, but it dies upon her eyes landing on Chase. She stares, eyes wide, at her best friend. “Chase, you-your ears.”

Chase frowns. “What about them?” She asks, reaching up to readjust them. However, when she feels her fingertips meet them, she freezes. Her ears twitch, and a strangled cry escapes her lips as she bolts up, running into the bathroom. She stares at her reflection with wide, horrified eyes.

“I have cat ears!”

“Well, that is what you wished for,” Harley says, obviously trying to keep herself from laughing.

“No wonder my head hurts! These ears are just super sensitive to everything.”

Chase exits the bathroom, and upon Harley meeting her gaze, eyes flicking up to her ears, before meeting her eyes once more, Harley can no longer contain herself.

Harley bursts into laughter, wincing as her sides begin to ache, abdominal pain starting up, causing her to clutch her sides.

“You okay?” Chase asks.

“No, but I’ll manage.” Harley says, pulling out her phone and dialing Dean’s number, “I found something on the coin though, before I puked my guts out.”

“The wishes turn bad,” Dean says as soon as he picks up.

“Trust me. We know,” Harley sighs, putting Dean on speakerphone.

“What happened to you two?”

“Chase is a neko, and we think I have some bloodborne illness. You?’

“That sandwich made me sick.”

“Anyway the reason I called you is because I found out the coin is Babylonian. It’s of the goddess Tiamat.”

“At least we have a starting point now,” Chase says.

***

The four hunters arrived at Wesley Mondale’s house. Sam had figured out he was the first to make a wish last night. Harley rang the doorbell and Hope, Wesley’s fiancée, opened the door.

“Hi! Hope right? We’re the florists.” Harley says flashing her best fake smile and pepping up her attitude.

“Of course! Come in!” Hope says ushering the group inside, “Wes! You didn't tell me that you called the florists for the wedding.”

“Huh?” Wesley says looking as if he just woke up.

“You're the best! Mmm! Ah! I'm gonna go get my folders.” Hope says rushing off.

“Uh? Okay.”

“Wesley, how's it going?” Dean asks.

“It’s ‘Wes’ Aren't you the guys from the health department?”

“Yeah. And florists on the side,” Sam says.

“Plus FBI,” Dean adds.

“And on Thursdays, we're teddy bear doctors,” Chase says.

“And sometimes I’m a vampire. We’re kind of Jacks of all trades,” Harley finishes.

“Huh? Why does she have cat ears?” Wesley asks, pointing at Chase.

Chase frowns, feigning offense. “It’s a medical condition.”

Wesley turns slightly pink, but looks confused still. “Sorry,” he mumbles, keeping his eyes glued to anything except Chase’s “condition”.

“Look, Wes, it doesn’t matter who we are. It matters what we know about you,” Harley says pointedly.

“So, coin collector, huh, Wes?” Sam asks.

“Oh. Yeah. My... grandfather gave them to me,” Wes says.

“Did you happen to lose one of those coins lately? And by ‘lose,’ I mean drop into a wishing well at Lucky Chin's and make a wish on it?” Dean asks.

“No, I – I don't know what you're, uh, talking about.”

Hope comes back with folders overflowing with papers.

“Okay, now. I have a lot of ideas, but, you know, we don't have all the money in the world. Wes is between jobs right now. Means more time for me. You know, I'm thinking a Japanese-y ikebana kind of thing,” Hope says, pulling a picture out of one of the folders.

“Yeah. I can see it,” Dean says trying to get rid of her.

“Yeah. So, Hope, uh, tell us how you two lovebirds met,” Chase suggests.

“Oh, best day of my life,” Hope says.

“I bet,” Harley says, trying her best to refrain from rolling her eyes.

“Yeah! It's the funniest thing. We both grew up here, but I never really knew who he was. Not by name anyway. Until one day last month, it was like I just I just saw him for the first time. He was just... glowing. Oh, just glowing.”

“Uh, babe, can you – can you get us some coffee?” Wes asks.

“Yes. Yeah.”

“Oh. Okay. Okay. Mm-Hmm. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh. Mm-mmm, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay,” Wes says amidst the many many kisses Hope is giving him. Chase looks away, slightly disgusted and feeling awkward.

“Yeah.”

“Wes, we know. So tell us the truth,” Harley says.

“My – my grandfather found the coin in north Africa, you know, World War II. And, uh, he brought it back. He, um, he said it was a real wish-granting coin, but that nobody should ever use it. Um... It was all I had, and when he died, I thought, "Well, you know what? Why not give the coin a shot?” Wesley explains.

“Yeah, well, now you're gonna wish it back,” Sam demands.

“Oh,” he laughs, “Oh. Ha ha, no, I'm not.”

“If you don’t do something about it, something bad’s gonna happen,” Dean says.

“Something like us,” Chase adds, crossing her arms.

“We really wish you'd come with us,” Dean says, pulling out his gun, then putting it away again.

***

“I don’t get how anyone could wish for love,” Harley says, starting the flow of conversation.

Chase pauses, momentarily thinking of her answer. “To be honest, I don’t either. I don’t believe in love really, outside of family, so I’m not quite sure it’s something I’d ever think of. I’d probably wish for books.”

“Didn’t you already have a wish?”

“Oh. Right. Man, really wasted that opportunity.”

“Any specific books?”

“All of them?” Chase suggests jokingly. “I don’t think I’d be able to choose. Watch, the bad thing that happens is I get all the books, but I get a panic attack because I know I could never read them all so I die. Or they fall on top of me and crush me. That would be bad too.”

“I mean that’s one way to go. Suck that these wishes go bad though. It would’ve been nice to just have one good one.”

“I understand what you mean,” Chase replies, her ears twitching at the sound of another passing car.

Harley laughs at the twitching ears, but soon regrets it as her stomach flares up again, “Ow! Okay being human kind of sucks.”

“Wow,” Chase says sarcastically. “Because I’ve never told you that before or anything. Because I’ve never expressed dissatisfaction with being human ever.”

“Okay fair, but like all I’ve ever wanted was to be human.”

“That’s also fair, but in the words of my favorite jamaican crustacean, ‘the seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake’,” Chase half-sings the quote.

“I was in a production of The Little Mermaid once. I was the little seahorse that follows Triton around.”

“That’s adorable!” Chase exclaims. “How have you never told me that before? We’ve talked about our theatre experiences so many times.”

“I guess I forgot about it amidst the nightmare that was Theatre Arts.”

Chase fake shudders, “Tech week, am I right?”

“I never had a tech week. Sounds exhausting though.”

Chase’s eyes widen as she turns slightly to peer at Harley. “How in the world have you not had tech week, but you’ve been in theatre? Tech week is the bane of my entire existence. It’s the last week of practice right before the show, where you’ve got costumes, lights, sounds, and all the makeup. You run through every scene like fifty times each night, and oh my God, don’t get me started on the backstage stress because your director, no matter how chill normally, is absolutely insane.”

“Well, I didn’t know it was called tech week. And those were my favourite practices.”

Chase shoots Harley a look of concern. “You really aren’t human, man.”

“Well, I am now. So deal with it.”

Chase smiles slightly. “Oh, right.”

The car jerks to the left suddenly as Chase hits something. “What the fuck?” She cries out, looking around wildly to see what she’d hit. “What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know.”

“I didn’t see anything,” Chase mumbles, turning back around in her seat. “Did you?”

“Nah,” Harley shakes her head. “It was probably nothing. Just a speedbump.”

***

Chase and Harley come to a stop in front of Lucky Chin’s. They step out of the vehicle, heading inside to see Wesley and Sam getting out of the Impala, but no Dean.

“Sammy, where’s Dean?”

“Dealing with a runaway child with super strength.”

Chase raises a brow. “Are you… being… facetious?”

Sam shakes his head. “Sadly, no. Anyway, let’s get this over with.”

“Why can’t we get what we want?” Wes practically whines.

“Because life sucks?” Harley answers unsure.

“Yeah, Wes, this is life. And we don’t all get what we want,” Chase says, scratching her ears.

Suddenly a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky, splintering into three, hitting Sam, Harley, and Chase, knocking them flat on their backs. Their bodies lay still, dead.

***

Sam, Harley, and Chase woke up on the pavement outside of Lucky Chin’s restaurant. Hope walks out as the three are getting up, looking back with a confused glance before continuing on her way. Wes comes out shortly after. He hands Sam the coin, dejected, before walking away.

“Well, I don’t feel like puking anymore,” Harley says.

Chase frantically reaches her hands up into her hair, sighing in relief as she feels no evidence of ears.

“I am never making a wish again,” Harley shudders.

***

The three Winchesters and the one now-no-longer-human, Harley, are all sitting on a bench, squished in next to each other. It barely seems like Sam or Chase are actually sitting on the bench, so much as leaning against the edges as Dean and Harley take up most of the room in the middle. Audrey walks past, normal sized teddy bear in hand; a bandaid had been placed over a bullet sized hole in its head.

Chase waves to Audrey, who waves back, skipping alongside who must be her parents, extremely sunburnt and confused.

“So, uh,” Sam starts, glancing awkwardly around the town. “The coin’s melted down now, so it shouldn’t cause any more problems.”

“Audrey's parents are back from Bali,” Chase points out, nodding her head towards the retreating family. “Looks like all the wishes are gone.”

“And so are we,” Dean says, folding up a newspaper, whose headline reads, ‘Winning Lottery Ticket A Fake’.

The group gets up, each pair heading back to their cars. Dean suddenly stops, causing the girls to look back at him and Sam, who stand next to Baby.

“You guys were right,” he says.

Chase and Harley share a confused look. “About?” Harley asks.

“I shouldn't have lied to you. I do remember everything that happened to me in the Pit. Everything.”

“So talk to us about it,” Sam suggests.

“No,” Dean deadpans.

“Dean, bu-” Chase starts. Harley puts a hand on her arm as Dean holds up a hand, cutting her off. Harley gives her a look, telling her to drop it.

“I won’t lie anymore, but I’m not going to talk about it.”

“Dean, look, you can't just shoulder this thing alone. You got to let us help,” Sam says.

“He’ll talk when he’s ready to talk. No point forcing it.” Harley sighs.

“The things that I saw... there aren't words. There is no forgetting. There's no making it better. Because it is right here,” Dean taps his head, “forever. You guys wouldn't understand. And I could never make you understand. So I am sorry,” Dean says.

Chase gives Dean a smile, small and bittersweet. “It’s okay, Dean. Just know we’re here for you when you need us.”

Dean returns the look, opening the driver’s side car door, about to get in. “I know.”

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munchflix · 6 years

Text

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M: I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

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