munchflix

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S

IMDB BLURB: A troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift won't be so easy to get through. Pretty soon he will unveil what actually happened at Freddy's.

WARNINGS: It's pg-13 dude.

RATING: It's not horror, but it is FNAF.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:

Munch: SO it's time for us to watch Five Nights at Freddy's. I previewed this last night but Biscuits refused to watch it until now.

Biscuits: I don't have any tequila, I'm sad about this. I do have whiskey.

M: I unfortunately must remain sober. Everyone seems to love this movie, I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a curmudgeon.

B: Dude it's five freddys at night. It's like that wojack meme of them pointing at freddy. It's him, the fredbear from the night. By the way this movie was announced 8 YEARS AGO. A time when I was still invested in FNAF lore.

M: I admit to knowing a fair amount of FNAF lore myself, but it kinda ends after the 3rd game because I stopped caring. Oh yeah the movie.

B: What's happening?

M: A security guard is going through some shit. It's incredibly dark. You can almost tell what's happening. He's gonna get his face eaten off by a freddy head. As is par. To make you think this is a horror movie.

B: The new Saw movie looks great! Bold choice to do a crossover with Five Nights at Freddy's.

M: I do like the look of things. They did a good job of recreating the pizzeria in all it's glory, it's very accurate.

B: Blumhouse because of course it is.

M: The opening animations an obvious nod to the games. There are SO many.

B: I like the funky synth music. It's no Toreador March, but….Josh Hutcherson has emerged from a decade of irrelevancy! Formerly known for his critically acclaimed role in Trapped In An Island with Josh Hutcherson.

There make be snakes!

M: He's a decent dude, he should have had the fame that Jennifer Lawrence had. Josh, I mean MIKE, has a sister he has to take care of and he's a security guard at…some mall. Doesn't matter. He's into dreams.

B: He hasn't aged a day, he's just acquired some facial hair. Now he's chasing some kid and his dad, he thinks he just witnessed a child abduction but actually…

M: He just beat the shit out of some dude for no reason. And now the employment department!

B: This is the kind of discrimination single dads face on a daily basis, Josh.

M: And now Matthew Lilliard, who is COMPLETELY SQUANDERED in this movie. He has never put less than 1000 percent cunt into every role and they wasted him.

B: Two months at a job? Me too, Josh.

M: His uh…job counselor is kinda sus.

B: Listen bud you have limited job options, join the club.

M: Are you suggesting we get a job at the FNAF pizzeria?

B: I wish all job counselors were this honest. The hours are bad, the pay is awful…

M: They keep not saying his last name which I guess is supposed to be a twist so we think he's Mike Afton but the twist is he's Mike Schmidt. No spoilers tho.

B: The twist is he's Michael Myers! He has a weird little sister and she does creepy things.

M: Possibly psychic. Very sixth sense going on here. Mike has a bit of a pill problem and somehow can go to sleep listening to the most annoying bird sounds in all existence. ASMR you're trapped in an aviary.

B: I remember this part of the FNAF lore. Where he has a little brother who gets kidnapped. Is this canon? I think they made this up for the movie.

M: It's not.

B: Why does he have a child?

M: It's his sister.

B: So his parents just popped out another one 20 years later???

M: Sure, why not. And now the awful Aunt and the best character in this whole movie. DOUG the lawyer. I love him. She wants custody of the sister, Abby. Mike doesn't want this. He's kind of a jerk about it though.

Doug is the most relatable character in the movie tbh

B: There has to be some sort of like…inciting factor. We gotta have some reason why he's gotta work at five nights at fredericks. He's gotta keep custody of his sister. Finally, Five Nights at Freddys is in the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. If I'm in the movie theater with my five year old son, he doesn't care about Josh Hutcherson! He wants to see the funny guy from the youtube video!!

M: Well TOO BAD! Because there's a lot more Josh Hutcherson than Freddy's.

B: What year is it?? It's implied to still be the 80's but the place is all closed down and they have an old looking tv? They gotta keep it ambiguous or people would start talking about the bite of 87 or whatever.

M: There are so many easter eggs. The celebrate poster from the game, the fucking desk fan, the training video, I could go on and on.

B: This training video is def 80's. This technology existed in the 80's btw, the government was just hiding it from everyone. Actually they're alive because ghosts and not lithium batteries but…What a great analog horror video. I'm subscribing to this channel.

M: Balloon boy jump scare! Nothing ever happens on night 1 though. So Mike is just gonna take a walky and then take a nap.

B: I can almost see anything in this fucking movie! It's so dark! It's like watching a Zack Snyder movie. Maybe in a theater it would look better...?

M: I really think it's just the fucking death of film lighting period. I do think the animatronics look good. They look really damn good.

B: They looked kinda crap in the trailer. Sleempy Mike. Now he's having more PTSD nightmares about his brother getting kidnapped.

M: But wait! There's more chilluns! In his dream, as is normal.

B: We're the children from the FNAF who got murdered.

M: You are correct. 6 am reference! Time to go home. Mike isn't paying his babysitter.

B: It's nice to have a girl who will watch his sister for free. I assumed they died in cancer/plane crash. Sparky's is a reference. That's MatPat.

M: The babysitter is sus. And her other friend and the evil aunt are having lunch while conspiring against Mike. I love Doug.

B: So the Aunt is like…the villian…the antagonist character?

M: I mean…sort of. It's possible she's in cahoots with Afton on some level but it's never confirmed. Back at home Mike is being a terrible parent again and Abby wants to go to FNAF world with him but this is a really bad idea. Now…if you were a criminal….and you wanted to make Mike look bad, when would you go trash the place?

B: When he's there.

M: Thank you. Mike is asleep again.

B: Thanks Blumhouse I can almost see what's going on in the movie. How many times are we gonna see sweaty Josh running around in a forest in this movie?

M: You have no idea. He's dreaming of the FNAF kids again because he thinks they know where his brother is. One of them cuts him and he bleeds IRL.

B: Wow I was scare.

M: And now there's a cop at the door. As is also normal and part of the FNAF canon.

B: Vanessa is a reference.

M: That's not a reference, that's part of the canon! Because why not.

B: They had to put some shit from security breach in here cos it's the new one.

M: Vanessa suspiciously knows a lot and isn't giving us any info why.

B: Mike, just Mike. No last name.

M: Vanessa is here to give us some EXPOSITION. Because fuck show don't tell!

B: It's great that all these arcade machines are still plugged in after 10, 20 years.

M: This part made me have Chuck E Cheese flashbacks.

A powerful bear...named Frederick Entertainment Fazbear

B: Playing covers of popular songs was a big thing in these types of restaurants.

M: Something something some kids went missing.

B: Back in the 80's!! Could you please tell me what fucking year it is??? This motherfucker is listening to a cassette player so unless he's some kind of hipster? I hated that scene btw. Go away I hate you.

M: Unfortunately she will be here so much more.

B: So the criminals are breaking in…after he's left???

M: Yes!

B: Even if you wanted to frame him, the CCTV footage is gonna tell them when you were there! But okay I guess?? Oh there's still money in the arcade machine? It's not like they empty those every day.

M: I love the random older man who's just hanging out with these teenaged criminals.

B: He's been bustin up abandoned buildings since back in the 80's!

M: One of them finds Chica's cupcake and it does a spooky and then Chica does a spooky. Almost all the violence happens offscreen because….pg13.

B: They couldn't make this an R rated movie because it's Five Nights at Freddy's. The people who grew up with it are all adults now but the target audience remains basically the same.

M: Bonnie does a spooky.

B: I literally can't see anything in that shot! Also appreciate the attempt to get away with a huge bag of COINS, the heaviest and least valuable denomination of money you can get. You might have 50 bucks MAX in quarters.

Also Bonnie. he's cool.

M: The point is that they're all getting murdered. Offscreen. Very darkly. And yet they did not even try to bother Mike.

B: Mike left!

M: It's been two nights he's been there though!

B: Okay…I guess.

M: Freddy bites Max the babysitter completely in half. But we only see the shadow.

B: We get Plato's allegory of the cave violence! We never get to see it directly.

Also Sparky the Dog. he's cool.

M: Back at home Abby draws more pictures and Mike Mike's all over the place while she magically finds the custody papers.

B: They're watching public domain cartoons.

M: From the 80's. Vanessa shows up at their house to tell them that someone broke into the pizzeria. She found Mike's pills.

B: The year is killing me, is it the 90's??? Early 00s maybe? If it was the 10's everyone would be on their smart phones. Is this really criminal negligence?? He didn't lock the doors to this ABANDONED BUILDING!!!?? IT'S ABANDONED!!!

M: Now Mike is gonna exposit all over Vanessa about how he takes the pills to try and remember the dream of when his brother was taken in a lucid dream every night. He's very talented to have the same dream every night.

B: I really hate Vanessa, she's completely insufferable.

M: I agree. Also can I take a moment to talk about how fucking SLOW this is. The pacing is awful.

B: I don't give a shit. I don't care about your dreams. Shut up. I'm here with my 10 year old who wanted to see the funny Fazbear on the screen and he's ASLEEP right now! That wasn't even english on the walkie talkie, when cops talk on those they don't just go GNWEUIFHB98FHNWIEFNEI

M: Your son is now 10???

B: Shut up! I don't even have a son!

M: We are halfway through.

B: I do not understand. What even is gonna happen.

M: So Mike is gonna take Abby to work at FNAF but I gotta stop for a minute because…people DIED in there. Did Vanessa find the bodies? Are the bodies still there? Did someone clean them up? She didn't even mention that to Mike????

B: Who called the police to report the break in?

M: If they did, did only Vanessa show up??

B: Is Vanessa even really a police officer?

Vanessa is lookin pretty SUS. (that's still a funy joek in 2023, rite?)

M: That's a very good question! Mike is just like, you're gonna sleep and I'm gonna watch the monitors and this is a totally safe idea. Abby is well known to behave.

B: I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

M: I guess he's gonna clean up. If he was Nick Cage this would've been done forever ago.

B: He's gotta stop and have a cola and play pinball.

M: Actually, he's gonna nap! Because that's the responsible thing to do!

B: All the excitement from the FNAF games you love like DARK ROOMS! NAPPING! AND OFFSCREEN MURDER! Well I guess that last one is fair.

M: So of corpse, Abby wakes up and fucks off. But it's cool because of reasons.

B: Bro…is this the only way we could convey the story of the missing kids…80 sequences of Mike in the woods? A lot of the people watching this already know all this. This review makes it sound like I just hate FNAF and that's not really the truth.

M: I don't hate FNAF at all, but this movie is so utterly middling. We're halfway through and 90 percent of the movie has been Mike dreaming. But now he's out there and the animatronics are all there and alive and playing with Abby.

B: He's gonna fight Freddy with a chair.

M: Just like in the games. They're well known to be friendly to children.

B: Abby is a special psychic child.

M: Mike is wigging just a bit as anyone would.

B: I mean in real life they're wired to the stage so…yeah.

M: Freddy is still looking at Mike like, you're on thin fuckin' ice.

B: Wow this movie is jam packed with chills and thrills and I am on the edge of my seat right now. To quote Arin Hanson, "Just…something happen, PLEASE!"

M: I mean some dudes got killed but...

B: I couldn't even see it happening! Hey Abby wtf is going on btw.

M: Her friends she's been drawing all movie are apparently the FNAF kids because of course they are. How she knows them???

B: You'd better start believing in ghost stories Mister Hutcherson…

M: Mike is like hey remember our dead brother who died ages before you were born? You drew him getting kidnapped, so…explain. Was it the boy from my dreams? Oh it was?

B: Trying to use her psychic powers to solve a crime but all they talk about is a yellow rabbit. Exploit your sister to resolve your own personal trauma. I don't see this going well.

M: Back with Vanessa who is at FNAF for some fucking reason, Mike and Abby show up and Mike is like hey did you think to mention that there are ghost kids possessing the robots? And now they're gonna build a fucking fort. The animatronics too. This is a real thing that is happening.

B: How does something like that even right itself….?

M: I have no idea. I don't know why Mike is suddenly on board with all this. I would not be under there with them.

Everyone's just vibin' :)

B: Mike is finally asking questions he should have been asking a long time ago. Vanessa explains the springlocks because that will obviously be important later. And Vanessa, who was like YEAH FORT is now like HOW DARE YOU BRING ABBY HERE.

M: Who the hell are you Vanessa, that's something you should've asked like forever ago. Abby tries to strum Bonnie's geetar and gets minorly electrocuted but it's no big.

B: Oh my GOD. Sorry Abby, I'm kind of an asshole.

M: So now he's gonna do an even bigger asshole thing and call Aunty Shrew to come babysit and possibly you know…take custody of his sister so he can keep napping. Abby is not happy. The Pharmacist is the second best person in this movie.

B: He's doing dream magic because.. it's…you know. He couldn't just do this at night.

M: It is night.

B: It was just morning!

M: It took a really long time at the pharmacy okay. And now for the UMPTEENTH TIME, trapped in a dream forest with Josh Hutcherson.

B: But whyyyyyyy.

M: The ghost children are like, hey give us Abby and you can dream about your dead brother. And he's like OKAY. Mike kinda is an asshole. He immediately changes his mind but that's not how a deal with the devil works. The kids run around him uh…slicing him up for some reason.

B: And now he's in the saw trap where the first security guy presumably died.

M: Good thing it's slow moving. But he gets out becaus he's the protagonist.

B: Okay so…the bodies are still here. There's some gore. That's your PG-13 right there.

M: In the super secret room nobody can ever find but two people have now stumbled into. Back with evil Auntie, Abby is hiding in her room and Freddy is just there.

B: Frederick is in the house. You somehow didn't hear him enter even though he must weigh a ton. Like as much as a small car. He's murdered Auntie Jane.

M: And now the chillest taxi driver on earth who is somehow fine giving a ride across town to a small child and a giant animatronic.

I gifed the animatronics because they're the most interesting thing on screen but trust me, these gifs severly overstate how much they are in the movie.

B: How does Freddy even fit in a human sized car?

M: I don't know.

B: Vanessa is tending to Mike's wounds. She conveniently found him. They tried to kill him. Yeah…they do that. Why did you just leave the bodies there Vanessa? And why haven't they started to decay?

M: Vanessa is still not telling us shit. But Mike tells her that he said yes to giving Abby to them and she tells him they're gonna make her like him.

B: In the movie a lot of things aren't very clear. Vanessa tells us that the bodies of the dead kids are in the animatronics.

M: Like…how would people NOT NOTICE. But this is canon.

B: How does Vanessa know all this?

M: She tells us about AFTON.

B: The man behind the slaughter. The purple fellow. Okay, that's not canon that he's her father?

M: Hell if I know, I stopped following lore well before Vanessa showed up. Also somehow Afton killed Mike's brother.

B: Where did he put Garrett's body?? That's like SIX children now, are there six kids in each animatronic??

M: Vanessa's master plan is to taser the animtronics that are somehow being controlled by ghost children who are being controlled by William Afton. But she's not gonna go with Mike because Afton is her dad and stuff.

B: Let's fix that with a controlled shock. It's a good thing it's taking Abby a long time to get murdered.

M: Freddy considers murder and then reconsiders. Abby is being taken by Chica to the back room to be put into a device that looks suspiciously like the Baby animatronic. Meanwhile Mike is tasering Freddy and Bonnie.

B: I never understood what Chica did in the band anyway. Backup vocals? There's no way they could feasibly be playing this music with just one guitar. My suspension of disbelief is totally destroyed, Mister Fredbear. Don't you need to re-arm a taser?

M: Yep. But he gets Abby.

B: You've been an idiot about most things, Mike. To be fair. You should go.

M: The cupcake looks silly attacking but I do like it's design. I actually like the animatronics a lot and it would kick ass if they were like…

B: IN THE MOVIE!! For more than like 20 minutes of screen time in this two hour long movie.

M: See also, Matthew Lilliard. They squandered all the best parts of this movie. In favor of an hour of dream sequences. Abby and Mike again get separated but she hides in the ball pit and now….the best part of the movie. Golden Bonnie is here. Who is also Afton but no spoilers.

B: Me in the Dashcon ballpit.

M: Vanessa shows up 20 minutes late to the party with uh…nothing. I do love the way they did the whole golden bonnie thing. Though I'm really unsure about how he's controlling them? Vanessa apparently has a gun.

B: You're gonna shoot your undead father with a gun? Oh he's alive!

M: For now. He is also the job counselor. To absolutely nobody's suprise. (editor's note: biscuits did not at all realize this while watching the movie) She shoots daddy but somehow that isn't enough to activate the springlocks. Afton stabs his own daughter as Abby frantically draws pictures to show the other kids that he's really the bad guy. Afton gets all springlock failed and they drag him off into the back room.

B: Well canonically all this happened a really long time ago, but the movie doesn't care about the timeline. I always come back, yeah, way too many fucking times, bro.

M: And now everything is great and Abby is happy and Mike looks exactly the same.

B: The pacing is…so weird.

M: They stop by the hospital to see Vanessa and set up a sequel!

B: Well I mean if there's one thing FNAF really loves, it's sequels. This movie is so boring. Can we visit my dead friends some time? NO.

M: laughs Yeah, no.

B: Okay, movie SAVED by using the Living Tombstone. I'm amazed that they got the license for this.

M: I laughed out loud, I fucking loved it. It's the best thing. Oh Jim Henson's creature shop worked on the puppets, that explains why they looked so good. Final thoughts?

B: It's just…really lame. There's a couple cool scenes and some cool stuff at the end but the rest of the movie isn't worth it. There's so much rich lore, SO much lore, and a rich universe that they had an infinite well of stuff to draw on, but they made up this whole other plot about Josh Hutcherson's family problems and it's just…lame.

M: I just really feel like it's takes itself way too seriously.

B: Like terminally ill seriously.

M: And they squandered all the best parts of FNAF. The animatronics should have been the FOCUS. Not the dream sequences. Afton should have been a MUCH bigger part of this. There was so much cool stuff they could have done but it's not about that. All the little easter eggs for the fans are great but ultimately…pointless.

B: And again, isn't this supposed to be for the fans? For people who already love FNAF? But it's not really.

M: I grok that in order to reach a wider audience you gotta kinda do that but

B: The FNAF fandom is MASSIVE! The majority of it is just like…Trapped in Freddy Fazbears with Josh Hutcherson.

M: Fair.

B: And like…if you like the movie that's fine. For me it's just kinda meh. It's not something I would watch again on purpose. It just made me wanna watch Willy's Wonderland again. Not worth the 8 year wait time.

M: 8 years…and this is what you came up with?? 8 years and Doug was the best part of the movie? I don't hate it. I don't love it. I'm a fan of the FNAF games, I just feel like it's a massive missed opportunity and that people need to remember how to light a fucking film. I'm tired of Hollywood just giving us the most banal experience possible for whatever reason.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - STREET FIGHTER (1994)

IMDB BLURB:  Col. Guile and various other martial arts heroes fight against the tyranny of Dictator M. Bison and his cohorts.

WARNINGS: Violence and just a whole lot of fucking weird shit

RATING: 20 Billion BisonDollars

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: So we're here again with the muthafuckin' street fighter movie which is so fucking great. Everything about this is absolute garb but it's so much fun. Raul Julia is putting his entire pussy into this absurd performance. Jean Claude Van Damme is the most hilarious "American" I've ever seen. His accent is so thick it hurts.

Biscuits: My opening thoughts are 'I'm eepy', okay?? (Biscuits is sleep-deprived again)

Dib: This movie was shot in a whole ten weeks and allegedly Jean Claude Van Damme was blasted off his ass on coke during the filming of this movie.

M: Watching his performance, I'm not at ALL shocked by that. ANYWAY. We open on uh...a really intense opening credit scene with a news reel talking about how bad M. Bison played by Raul Julia ( may he rest in peace ) is. Chun Li is reporting? Because she's a reporter in this?

B: Allied Nations, is this world war three???

M: Sort of, M. Bison is kind of the dictator

D: There's our man! I guess we just have like a hostage pit in M. Bison's doom dome? I forgot how shit the acting was. Raul was also years into battling stomach cancer when this was filmed.

M: VanDamme shows up as Guile and threatens Bison on the air which goes pretty well, you can't even understand his fucking accent.

B: I keep feeling phantom ants, like a meth addict. What is happening??

D: A lot, it doesn't slow down.

M: I'm trying to summarize but this goes like 100 mph. We've been introduced to Chun Li and Charlie and Blanka who are the same person, shut up, and E. Honda and DJ and Cami played by Kylie Minolgue.

D: Charlie and Blanka are different people in the game.

B: I don't understand what's going on

D: M. Bison has taken hostages and he wants 20 billion dollars from the government.

B: WHAT government???

D: THE government. Basically he wants it from Guile (vandamme) And now we're gonna be introduced to Ryu and Ken at a random street fight in a barbed wire electrified cage

B: These are Ryu and Ken??

Y’know, Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter...

D: And Vega, who kinda looks like his character. And that's Sagat. Sagat and Ryu and Ken have historical beef but not in this movie.

M: This is so much to take in. I guess Sagat is trying to get Ryu and Ken to help him sell guns.

B: So this white guy and this asian guy meet Barack Obama in some weird asian nightclub and they throw tennis balls at them and now they're fighting.

D: This will be the only fight for like...an hour. Meanwhile in Shadaloo? We're back with M. Bison. In this movie, Dhalsim is not a yogi, he's just a scientist? They couldn't do the stretchy limbs thing but come on.

B: They are just firing characters at us!

D: Canonically Blanka is just a weird guy, not some super soldier they created in a lab??? And definitely not Charlie.

M: Back to Dhalsim and M.Bison who is torturing BlankaCharlie with nazi propaganda and stuff to make him BAD. Also Zangief is here staring confusedly in the background, which he does the entire movie and I love him so much.

You can tell he’s being brainwashed because he’s wearing one of those photo-viewer toys from the 90s.

B: FUCKING OTTER POP JUICE LABELLED MUTAGENS DO NOT TOUCH! Can we fucking slow down please??

D: No! this movie does not. Now we're starting with another street fight between Vega and Rye-u or Ryu, it changes constantly.

B: I've seen better acting in a porno.

D: Ken looks like he belongs in a porno. Everyone is shirtless and the audience is horny.

B: That is not a real sword.

M: They could not afford real weapons.

B: When you don't have the money to score your movie, you can just throw in royalty free classical pieces! It’s not lazy or distracting at all!

D: But the fight is interrupted by a tank with Guile in it, and also 800 phone calls from Munch's mother.

M: That's not a joke, she’s called six times in the past half hour. Anyway, it's Guile. He's here with some guys that will not be relevant at all to the rest of the movie except maybe Cami but even then....and there's a spy guy.

B: Is that what spies do?? they just jump up in the middle of meetings and attack?? That's some good cold war espionage right there. What? Ken and Ryu are in jail eating scrambled eggs. That wasn't even a grammatically correct sentence.

D: Back in jail, they're all fighting for some reason.

M: Why?

D: I don't know. Guile is watching from above and back in Charlie's tickle basement, BlankaCharlie is being tortured again and there was a scream when his mouth was closed. Dhalsim is not happy with their methods though so he's gonna make CharlieBlanka look at nice things? they're making CharlieBlanka really swole by showing him bad things? and injecting him with dna otter pop mutagen.

I had to put an image in here of this shit to show you just how much it looks like otter pop juice.

M: Makes perfect sense. Back at the movie! Refugee camp with uh...the allies?

D: Here's ken and ryu and van damme

M: I guess he JUST broke them from prison?

D: Ryu and Ken are not criminals.

M: Just lovers.

D: No Ken is married. Not to Ryu.

B: Yeah, I've never heard of a married gay man.

M: Guile's accent is murdering me, his one liners are just so bad. So so bad.

D: Ken and Ryu fake beef for some reason. Vega hasn't said a single word in this movie. Oh they were stealing the keys.

B: They just throw the keys up in front of everyone, just show em off.

D: And then Ken gives Sagat and Vega the keys anyway but now there's a prison break.

B: I like how the Allied nation guys just have like random flags on them

D: Well technically that's supposed to be where they're from. Guile is shooting down a van but he just got shot.

B: What is the PLOT of this movie right now???

D: Chun Li does an epic dodge roll and there's shooting and then Ken and Sagat kiss. Just kidding. GUILE IS DEAD.

M: He's not though. There's medics, and now elephants back in Shadaloo. M. Bison is making a mini replica of Bisonopolis because he's gotta have a monument to his ego. Chun Li is reporting again about how bad Bison is and how Guile is dead. For real.

Reports have been coming in of a man posing as a health inspector in order to obtain free food.

D: DJ also didn't work for Shadaloo. Raul Julia M Bison's the hell out of this.

B: Is that what you want, M. Bison? Because I'm really confused about what your actual motivation is.

D: He's about to explain it.

B: So the evil leather daddy nazi wants to create an army of super soldiers to save everyone by...killing everyone?

M: Zangief sheds a tear and says Bison's speech was beautiful. He is my favorite. Everyone's alliances here are very suspect. There's a curfew now and stuff. Bad things are happening.

B: Why does Bison needs 20 million for this?

D: I don't know. Chun Li is apparently really a spy. Or a ninja. Or both.

B: She puts on like a bad balaclava and then she just like stealths up into the AN headquarters. Very sneaky. Apparently to sneak you just walk sideways in a black jumpsuit and put your hands up like oooooh.

D: She's got her very loud tracking thing and she's in the morgue, which is empty save ONE dead guy, being Guile. It's full of wet specimens in jars like any good morgue.

B: Oh fuck he's dead. I was so emotionally invested in this character.

M: I like how they just left him in his clothes. Like you do with dead bodies. No autopsy for Guile. He immediately has Chun Li arrested. She's got a sad backstory about how she wants to kill Bison for reasons.

B: I like the random classroom skeleton in the morgue. What war?? Is this just Shadaloo against the entire world?

D: Yep!

B: All the action sequences are so bad, she's just like speed walking away.

D: meanwhile at an illegal gun auction in Shadaloo....

M: Bison is sitting there while ppl who are definitely NOT Honda and Chun Li and Balrog in costume are performing. How did they get there? We don't know. Everyone is just in Shadaloo in a one kilometer radius but Bison doesn't notice.

D: and now Ken is horny for Chun Li but DJ is also horny for...someone. Ken is gonna get kidnapped.

M: Zangief is here, my special boy.

D: Ken is gonna get beaten by Chun Li because he's a scrub. Canonically.

B: Whoah pilot, I'm not that kinda guy. Bison and Sagat are getting a little too close.

D: Bison gives Sagat an entire case of "Bison Money" and says that it will be worth five times the pound when he kidnaps the queen. Which is a great line. Sagat gets mad.

B: Thanks for that backstory, now we know that Honda and Balrog were a sumo wrestler and a boxer. Someone should have told them they didn't need to put every single fucking character from the game in the movie.

M: But they did. Chun Li is planning to blow the entire place to smithereens and she left a fucking video message to let them know about it because that's smart. QUICK, CHANGE THE CHANNEL! says zangief. He is so dumb and we love him.

D: there goes the entire budget

B: They had to buy so many bootleg fireworks for that one scene, it must’ve cost them like 20 whole dollars. Well, 20 dollars in 1994 money, so that’s like $2 million in today's money.

D: I don't really know what Ryu and Ken even do in this movie

M: I don't think they really do anything.

B: This feels like the climax of the movie but we're only 40 minutes in.

D: This movie is a non stop climax. Meanwhile in space....we're gonna geolocate M. Bison with some bullshit tech.

M: Shouldn't be hard to find everyone, they're all in the SAME PLACE. Somehow Ken and Ryu are now M Bison's personal friends for turning in Chun Li and her friends. We don't to see how any of this happened.

D: Balrog and Honda are going to the sex dungeon while Bison goes to personally sexually harass Chun Li.

B: I can't parse if what you're saying is true

M: No it's all true.

B: Ken has to tell the audience who the good guys are

M: Guile is back at the base giving his men a speech about getting into Bison's secret hideout.

B: Their only option is ONE single boat to get into Bison's ancient ruin hideout, okay.

D: meanwhile E. Honda is getting a spanking and he is no selling it. He looks bored.

This is not a scene from a porno, I swear

M: Lots of experience getting lashes. Honda is gonna pull the chain right out of the wall because he's fucking swole. Zangief's accent isn't horrible, he's giving Ken and Ryu new oufits.

D: Ken's chest is covered because he's not actually buff. They're gonna just somehow communicate the two halfs of the map they saw? And here's Guile's speech which is so bad that his lips don't match because Van Damme was so out of it they had to overdub it

M: Guile tells a man he doesn't have balls and then he gets fired but it's fine because only Guile can fight Bison. The war is cancelled. No big.

D: He gives such an inspirational speech that everyone becomes war criminals and they're gonna go after Bison

M: I thought only one guy could get in there?

D: They're gonna follow him I guess. Guile gets in the bat boat mobile and he's gonna go kill Bison.

B: The real UN would've just been like - Please stop being a dictator or we're gonna write a stern letter.

M: Back in Bison's bedroom he's got Chun Li dressed like Chun Li and he's changed into his sex hat and sex robe and he's making an evil martini while Chun li exposits all over everyone about her tragic past.

B: In movies they have a thing called tell don't show, because why would you show something when you can just have someone tell us everything.

D: Back with Ken and Ryu and Honda and Balrog who have broken out but I guess they don't realize they're on the same side.

B: I do want Bison's giant bone chandelier. Hey do you wanna see my chandelier and my painting from John Wayne Gacy? ( that's really in there )

( No, really )

M: Chun Li is still fucking talking about how Bison murdered her dad and girl, he does not care. He's the bad guy. Bison knows women though and he's like, you are harmless. But that's what she wanted him to think!

D: she casually breaks her handcuffs and kicks Bison's ass by kicking him twice. Bison pretty good at fighting, actually.....OH NO THE GAS G-GAS GAS

M: What kind of gas? Who knows! Bison escapes in his uh...evil elevator?

D: Back in Guile's boatmobile, which is his because he has his name on it.

B: Can this movie just....pick a struggle...

M: Nope! and now for the needle drop with Guile's little home video of him and Charlie and then we're back with Blanka who looks like the Lou Ferrigno hulk

D: time for more evil with Blanka. But anyway Dhalsim is gonna give Blanka some nice asmr videos.

B: I love the way fake techy computer stuff looked in the 90's

D: they show him dolphins and weddings and babies and happy things. By the way, the entire Blanka storyline is completely irrelevant.

M: no it's true, nothing ever comes of it at all. I don't now why they put it in the movie. I don't know why they put most of this in the movie. Only Zangief.

D: Speaking of Zangief...he's here. Vega says his one line. I guess everyone got caught again. Oh they got gassed in the room. So now back with Guile they're gonna stealth mode, which changes literally nothing.

M: They just machine gun down all of Bison's sensors. Dj's accent tells us that something verrrrry strange is going on in the river, it's the invisible boatmobile!

D: Anti Guile alarm! Apparently they have an anti stealth mode. So now they're gonna get out M. Bison's big special boy floating platform with video game controls on it. Zangief looks around confused that Guile is alive.

M: all zangief does is look confused until the end. Bison is unsurprised Guile is alive and he's gonna kick everyone's ass whenever Guile and Cami and whoever else get there but apparently he's just gonna press buttons and use underwater mines.

D: Bison blows up the boat but somehow Guile and everyone get out. Insert coin to continue. meanwhile they realize Dhalsim has been beaming good vibes into Blanka's head and they accidentally release Blanka but he's full of good vibes now.

Yes, he does actually look this goofy.

B: They've just made a guy who's addicted to television.

D: Blanka in all his receding hairline glory is gonna save Dhalsim. the only thing he really does in the entire movie. So here's some Shadaloo guys getting beat up by Guile and T Hawk and Cami so they can finally infiltrate the secret aztec base.

M: Everyone is soooo stealthy. they just walk around and beat guys up. Good thing they have a sewer grate into the secret base. Guile and Co fall into a hole.

D: They're finally starting to look like their actual character counterparts. The movie is mostly over.

M: Bison's account has ZERO DOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS. Now he's gonna get mad. I wonder if he'd accept Bison Bucks instead of the 20 million.

Relatable.

D: Probably. OPEN THE HOSTAGE CHAMBER. Guile has broken into this place in 20 seconds, directly into the Blanka chamber.

M: Why do they just have an aquarium. And he finds Blanka and somehow immediately knows he's Charlie even though he doesn't look at all like Charlie. Blanka grunts a lot.

D: CharlieBlanka sad.

B: That was easy! Guile is just gonna shoot him, but Dhalsim stops him.

D: Bison is like why have I not been paid? Bro, you're asking 20 billion.

M: Who even are these hostages, are they worth 20 billion?

B: Who even fucking knows??? Raul Julia is CHEWING the scenery

M: I love it. he's giving 30000 percent.

B: What is the point of this blanka shit? Why is this even in the movie?

M: they're gonna send Guile instead of Blanka I guess, even though Guile isn't a super soldier.

B: I love Zangief, he just stands around looking so confused. I feel that.

D: Guile does a 20 foot leap and drop kicks Bison who orders people to shoot the hostages and now everything is happening so much

B: Everything has been happening so much since it started

D: Everyone gets more naked and the AN is here and E Honda and Zangief are gonna fight for 20 minutes.

M: I wish that was all that happened. Guile is now outside shooting people somehow and I don't now where Bison is.

D: Honda bodyslams Zangief through a secret passage. So Bison finds out Blanka was being programmed to be good and he punches out the screen and now the allied forces are here and Ken kinda almost does a shoryuken.

M: This fight lasts the rest of the movie. Bison is like, DJ and I willl face defeat together and DJ is like, yeah I'm out. Ken is kind of an asshole in this movie. Rye-u and ken get mad and Ryu goes back to save people even though he's not getting paid.

D: This movie is a non stop car accident. Blanka is destroying things while Dhalsim yells. The smoke machine broke and Guile is shooting people and nobody knows where Bison is, including us.

M: But he's not! He's gonna call Guile out and they're gonna fight in man to man combat!

D: Guile has the american flag tattoo! They're gonna street fight.

M: If his run in with Chun Li is any indicator, this should be easy. they show a video of Zangief and Honda destroying the model of Bisontopia with godzilla noises. I love this show. Bison and Guile are still fighting. Props to Raul Julia for fighting in that fucking outfit.

D: Balrog suddenly has his boxing skills back.

B: Where are the hostages?? In the hostage pit! Where do you think they are???

D: M. Bison has died.

B: He gets thrown into a control panel and dies.

D: No we haven't climaxed yet

B: ....but....fuck....whut...I think I've had an aneurysm.

D: Bison life support activated!

B: he has life alert!

D: His suit administers cpr, and now he's gonna use ELECTRICITY!

M: Meanwhile DJ is gonna grab a treasure chest that Bison has in his locker and get out. Ken is also looking for treasure but all he finds is a statue and a bad computer screen with icons but he does see Rye-u and yells at him. It's a trap!

D: Ryu gets ambushed by Sagat and Vega

B: I forgot they were in this movie

D: Bison is gonna fly.

B: Hold up *whispers* just for like...one second please.....WHAT. Why has the climax of this movie been happening for 80 minutes?

D: He's gonna fly. With superconductor electromagnetism. Yanno.

He’s playing the bass and I’m flyin’! (Editor’s note: how many times have I made this fucking joke?)

M: I love Raul Julia so fucking much though oh my god. I miss him. Oh yeah Ken and ryu are fighting and shit and people are losing their shirts.

D: He kinda did a Hadouken. Ryu is gonna burn Vega in the incinerator but only a mild burn

M: Ken and Ryu unsuprisingly win and now they're gonna go to Dizzkneeworld. Bison is just flying all over and shooting lightning at Guile but he's got BIG KICKS and he launches Bison into the screens and he explodes.

B: Oh shit the energy field is unstable!!! Oh shit!

M: Balrog punches open the hostage room. Zangief and Honda are STILL fighting but Honda is like welll I gotta run and Zangief is like DJ! Come fight with me! And DJ is like dude Bison is the fucking villian. Zangief is again confused. Bison is a bad guy???? You got....paid??? He is best boy.

D: Oh no the blast doors are gonna close! How are we gonna get out?? Oh it's ZANGIEF! Who somehow got outside and he's holding the door open and he's also much more naked. And now we're back with Dhalsim who is now bald and mostly naked and he's like nah I'll take CharlieBlanka out, we're fine.

B: WheaheIyeah???

D: And then the evil temple blows up and Cami and Chun Li kiss. Not really. All the Shadaloo henchmen are giving up

M: Zangief stands there proudly as a new good guy.

D: Sagat and DJ escape and now Sagat is shirtless but the treasure is actually BisonBucks

M: Everyone thinks Guile is dead but he's not and everyone is so happy to see him

B: He's been an asshole this whole time.

M: Everyone is good guys now!! And everyone is fine with that I guess. Chun Li and Guile have a little something something but it's kinda gross

D: Why is everyone horny for Chun Li?? Me at the entire Street Fighter Community.

B: Why is it still exploding?

M: The energy field

B: BUT WHY?? THIS WAS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE UNTIL THE VERY END!! IT MAKES NO SENSE! ALL OF THE SUDDEN IT HAS A MELTDOWN??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ENERGY FIELD???

D: What happened to Blanka and Dhalsim? We'll never know

B: I don't know what happened, period. What the fuck is going on.

D: This is the most insane movie I've seen in my entire life. The breakneck pace does not stop, it starts at an 11 and goes up to a 14 real quick and stays there. Zangief is best boy,

B: w...what? I don't have anything else to say. What was any of that???? What? Why?

M: You're looking for meaning where there is none. It's beautiful chaos.

B: I will say one thing...there's NEVER a dull moment. Not a single one. You're not given a second to be bored.

D: How many stars would you give this movie?

B: Mayonnaise.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

IMDB BLURB:  In 1957, Indiana Jones becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

WARNINGS: Adventure violence and scary imagery

RATING: One Shia LaBeouf orange juice commercial

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: Okay here we are, gonna watch Indiana Jones and the crystal skulls. The fourth and arguably the worst of the series, but I actually like it. I don't think its any worse or campier than the other movies.

Biscuits: Dib is joining us. We saw this in the theater! I actually remember this one better than the other ones, which we've been rewatching, but we wanted to review this one because it’s bad. We might’ve reviewed the new new one but it’s only in theaters right now. Also, my tumbler makes very nice asmr sounds :)

Dib: I don't remember anything but Shia LeBeouf and aliens.

B: I forgot Harrison Ford was like, hot in the old Indiana Jones movies. ‘Adventure violence and scary imagery’, I love that for us. Harrison Ford is in this as an old man.

M: He still kicks ass as an old man so... We open on a rousing car chase.

B: This movie happens in the 50's, they have to make sure we know that by having Elvis music and these kids in their very obvious 50′s getup.

M: The kids are trying to get the Nazi dudes to race them and they do for some reason.

B: No those are U.S. dudes.

M: My bad, they're racing our dudes right to a nuclear test site! No, those are definitely Nazi guys.

D: Does this movie just look this crusty?

B: I don't know why they went through all the trouble of disguising themselves as Americans when they just straight-up shoot the army guys. They’ve got a guy in their trunk, it's Indiana Jones. And some other guy.

M: They're actually Russians apparently. I can't keep track of all these bad guys.

B: Cate Blanchett is in this movie too! She's the main bad guy. These guys have really great Russian accents.

M: They need Indy to go into the really special American warehouse where they keep all the really important artifacts and find the alien.

D: Cate's hair is giving serious Edna Mode vibes.

B: You right, you right.

No capes!

M: Her accent is...awful. She thinks she's psychic or something. Or wants to be.

D: This IS area 51. In a big warehouse in Nevada.

B: Where they put the ark of the covenant in the first movie!

M: I didn't think area 51 existed then but okay. (we googled it and yes it did, it just wasn’t really known as like the ‘alien place’ back then)

B: He doesn't remember anything! He's 85! Also, the ark of the fucking covenant is in here! You could take literally anything else and it would probably be a pretty effective superweapon! Why do you need the alien???

M: Indy needs gunpowder to find the alien so he throws it in the air and it floats straight to the alien and doesn't need to obey gravity or anything.

B: The lamps or guns or swords aren't affected though.

D: Maybe it's stainless steel.

B: Who makes a fucking sword out of non-ferrous metal???

M: The magnetic field is very picky. They found the box tho and suddenly the crowbars are affected but not guns or anything.

D: Non-ferrous guns. Or pins or buttons or anything.

B: But now her sword is magnetic, and their dog tags, and their guns...

D: They're gonna put that in a car? Engines and magnets don't really get along.

M: So they get it open and it's an alien, no spoilers though. Irina (cate blanchett) is really excited. Indy tries to take out the Russians but his sidekick guy Mac turns on him and is apparently working for the Russians because money.

B: Why is she sometimes British?? Oh it’s because Cate Blanchett is British. Indy manages to drop the gun so perfectly that it shoots a guy in the foot and creates instant panic. The Soviets kinda suck at their jobs.

D: They did suck at their jobs!

B: They're just gonna drive around destroying all these priceless artifacts! All those boxes were empty apparently. I'm gonna have to go on a aliens rant at some point. I remember seeing this as a child and thinking...that's dumb.

D: That's the ark of the covenant!

B: To quote Griffin McElroy - I don't get a dinosaur. I know they found like crazy shit like the holy grail but that's at least grounded in some sort of real-world mythology or theology but aliens??

D: I think the Dial of Destiny is just something they made up. The second movie took a pretty hard left turn too with the stones.

B: But to connect all this to crystal skulls?

M: I don't think that's that weird tbh. They've always been a source of weirdo mysticism.

B: But they're not...real. I mean like, they’re real things that exist, but they’re not actual Mesoamerican artifacts. Whatever, Ancient Aliens type vibe.

M: Anyway....Indiana Jones got thrown through a window, and he landed on some nuclear control panel with a giant Russian guy.

D: He's mostly getting his ass beat.

M: He does that a lot.

B: One thing you gotta give Indy, he can take a beating!

M: Indy and the Russian get sent on a rocket test thinger and now they're all dizzy and trying to kick each other's asses still.

D: That was a lot of g force, to be fair.

B: And Indy hides behind a dune and the Russian guys just can't find him. Indiana is very sweaty already. The sweatiest man alive.

M: Indy is hiding out in a nuclear test site which he thinks is a real town initially until he realizes everyone is mannequins. Oh that's bad.

D: I don't think people knew what these were back in the day - but they did know what an air raid siren was.

M: Indy at least knows it's not good! The Russians do too though and they are outski.

B: And he survives by a hiding in a fridge.

M: They were lead lined back then!

D: There goes the entire budget. Also Indiana Jones is dead as shit. If he survived the blast he would not have survived the radiation.

B: Don't run towards the mushroom cloud! Didn't you ever watch Duck and Cover?? Wasn’t that like mandatory viewing back in the day??

Damn the intro to Fallout 4 looking different than I remember.

M: They do treat him for radiation, he's getting a good scrub down in an American....place... where he's being interrogated about his two timing buddy Mac.

B: Aliens, nuclear warfare, it does fit the vibe of the 1950's.

M: Indy somehow, despite having been there (at fucking Roswell btw) doesn't know what was in the box.

B: This is my favorite episode of X files.

M: The FBI or CIA or whatever think Indy is a spy, because we need more drama. Indy is back at college teaching his classes which he's been doing for 800 years.

B: This is exactly that scene from the first movie.

M: Except he's about to get fired, but Jim Broadbent is gonna try and talk him down though. Charlie is his name in the movie. I don't see how him resigning is gonna help Indy tho. Indy is gonna go to somewhere and get another job. Charlie bemoans the state of society.

D: What's happening?

B: His dad was Sean Connery, was he dead by the time this came out?

M: Yes. (Editor’s note: No he wasn’t. He died in 2020. Please don’t ever listen to anything Munch says.)

B: Oh yeah Shia LeBeouf is in this movie -  an even bigger leap than aliens. Also he looks like James Dean. Dib is right about the lighting, it makes the movie look so cheap. This whole scene looks like a goddamn orange juice commercial.

M: Mutt (Shia) runs down Indy and is like HEY DO YOU KNOW ABOUT OXLEY HE HAD A CRYSTAL SKULL AND HE'S MISSING. And Indy is like, oh shit Akator?

B: The Mitchell-Hedges skull is fake af but I guess we didn't know that in the 50's.

D: This movie is boring.

B: I think Indy is making things up at this point. Akator, city of gold, all this nonsense. He doesn’t believe in any of it but come on man, you found the ark of the covenant!!! Shia LaBeouf is...not a very good actor.

M: Mutt seems kinda put down that Indy is just a teacher because he needs someone to rescue his Mom but now there's KGB agents coming for them. They want the letter with all the important stuff on it that Mutt gave Indy because somehow they know about all this already. Mutt and Indy start a fight.

When in doubt, punch a guy!

B: That's his solution to everything, start a fight.

M: To be fair, it seems to work every time.

B: We gotta have another rousing vehicle chase, these movies love a car chase.

M: Bring me a sugar cookie.

D: Indy just got dragged like hell into the backseat there. Nobody calls the police, I guess they didn't have cell phones and shit but nobody alerts the authorities?

M: I don't know, they're busy. Indy and Mutt drive through an anti-communist rally and the KGB dudes run into a statue. Now they're gonna drive through a library because it looks cool and so Indy can deliver a one liner. Are you drinking more margarita?

B: I don't want it to go to waste! The amount of sugar in it is probably worse for me than the alcohol.

M: Indy is now deciphering the letter which is written in Koihoma, because Indy knows like 8000 languages. Indy says it's a riddle from Oxley.

B: The lines in the earth only gods can read would be the Nazca lines.

M: You get an A.

D: Only gods can read. Or planes. I guess the KGB guys left them alone so they could get to Peru.

B: I like how they stopped over in Cuba.

M: They land over in Peru I guess, and find out Oxley was there but they thought he was bonkers so they locked him up. Indy apparently rode with Pancho Villa.

B: Mutt's mom thinks he's a goof! Sorry ma, I goofed up!

D: There's a bad guy, you can tell he's bad because he's smoking

M: They go visit Oxley's uh... cell in the sanitarium and find a lot of scrawl about abliens and Akator and Mutt is sad

D; Why does Shia look like he's gonna cry?

M: He's sad! Ox was like his dad.

B: He just looks like he got maced.

M: Indy does a quick sweepy and finds a map on the floor that Ox left leading to the cradle of Orellana where he died, or whatever...?

B: They really are throwing in any sort of myth or weird thing they can think of related to Mesoamerica or South America. Not a lot of action so far, mostly like solving puzzles.

D; You can infer all of that from some scrawl? I guess so because here we are at this Dark Souls location all of the sudden.

M: Indy and Mutt transition to the death place of the conquistador that nobody has ever found except apparently Oxley.

B: There's some spooky guys in Party City skeleton masks, and Shia falls down a ladder.

D: I need a gif of that in my life. Here comes the screaming skeleton dude, he knows kung fu apparently. They have magic holes they can crawl through apparently.

B: Indy reverse blow darts a guy, brutal.

D: You're a teacher? Not anymore! He just got fired!

M: I guess they're all gone now so on with the looting.

D: Crit success on the perception check for Indy.

B: These movies are basically Dnd campaigns anyway. Oh no, scorpions!

D: Here I am.....

B: *laughs* Rock you like a hurricane!

M: Indy and Mutt find some elongated head skulls and Indy is like well they did head binding which is true. Indy makes another amazing perception check and lucks into a secret passage that leads directly to the perfectly preserved conquistadors.

D: What class is Indiana jones?

M: Rogue

D: Can rogues use whips?

B: I think so?

M: Indy tears open a wrapping and finds a perfectly preserved dude who immediately disintegrates, but then Mutt finds one that's open already and omfg its got THE CRYSTAL SKULL which looks like it's full of saran wrap. I love how random the magnetic effect of the skull is. It just works whenever it wants on whatever it wants to work on.

D: Indy drops the skull and it shatters into a million pieces, movie over. Thanks for the exposition, Mutt

So nice of the crystal show to finally show up in its own movie.

M: Indy thinks this must be the skull from Akator that Ox found and then brought back but he doesn't know WHY he brought it back.

B: Ox was like, oh shit crystal skulls are fake, back to the hole!

M: As per usual, the second Indy finds something, someone is there to take it from him. In this case, Mac and his Russian friends who take Indy and mutt back to their Russian torture camp and tie Indy to a chair to mess with his brains.

B: The conkwisstadors found a city of gold that Mac wants to find because he just wants money.

M: Cate Blanchett and her accent have returned

D: And just as quickly, it leaves!

B: Oppenheimer didn't make up that line, he quoted it - but Indy knows that! Because he's smart and cool

D: Stop assaulting Indiana jones here man, she's like groping him

Please send all your hot Indiana Jones x Irina Spalko fanfics to munchflower.tumblr.com ( please do, I’m really bored. - Munch )

B: Even Indiana Jones doesn't believe this alien bullshit, he's like oh come on. The aliens have crystal skeletons.

D: What makes them think if they find the alien city that the aliens are gonna be like - hey it's cool, you want a prize?

M: But here's Oxley played by John Hurt but he's not okay in the head. Just a little bananas. The Russians blame the skull for Ox's condition and want to use it on Indy so he can interpret Ox's madness. No really.

B: This is...a lot. I know the other movies were a lot but just being like, anyways aliens and psychic channels and it opens up an undeveloped part of the human mind and fucking WHAT? Am I actually watching Ancient Aliens right now?

D: There's been no action, this is dragging on forever.

B: This is also taking itself waaaay too seriously.

D: This was 2008, they weren't allowed to be campy anymore.

M: True, sadly. Anyway, here's some alien brainwashing with Indiana Jones.

B: The Russians want alien bones to control people's minds. I guess it's not that much weirder than Nazis wanting the ark of the covenant to take over the world. That's a fucking polygraph machine!

Tbf all a polygraph machine does is monitor your heart rate and shit

D: You ARE the father!

M: Cate gives a rousing speech about taking over the world.

D; Guided meditation with Cate Blanchett and an alien skull.

B: What direction did they give Harrison ford?? “Look like you’re being controlled by aliens and just kinda jiggle around for a while?” This movie is...worse than I remember.

M: Mutt tries to step in and Indy is like, go ahead and kill him idgaf - but now here’s Marion from the first movie!

B: Half this movie is just references to the first movie!

M: Indy is like, this is your fucking kid?? But Marion still kicks ass and she's not having it. Indy then goes and sits with Oxley and he's like, oh hey he's doing automatic writing which is obvious to literally nobody but Indy.

B: Ox is literally speaking in riddles. This movie is 90 percent solving riddles

M: Indy of course can magically decipher these automatic writing pictographs because he's just that smart.

B: Mutt has an "emotional" moment with Ox but it's not very good. Acting.

M: Indy is too excited about solving the riddles to realize he's helping the enemy. But Mutt has a plan, and it’s the classic indiana jones plan: start a fight.

B: He's learning. Also setting things on fire, they do that a lot in these movies too.

M: Indy and Marion and Ox all run away but quicksand.

B: Oh dude, oh fuck, quicksand! I don't know why I'm so excited about that. Actually it’s not quicksand, it's dry sand. Indy tells Ox to get help. From who, the Russians??

M: that's literally what Ox does tho. Marion tells Indy Mutt is his kid while they're slowly sinking into a sand pit and Mutt comes back with a giant snake instead of like...a vine or something and Indy is like uh...no I'll die.

B: Snakes aren’t slimy. That poor snake :(

D: It's not a real snake.

B: I know but....

What do you need alien skulls for? Just annihilate all your enemies with this fucking thing!

M: Ox shows back up with the Russians! And now they're driving through the fucking jungle in a car with a cowcatcher with blades on the front. Mutt and Marion have a bit of a fallout over the dad thing.

B: But Marion and Indy are gonna spend this whole time arguing which is honestly pretty in character.

M: Indy starts another fight because why not, and again it works and he and Mutt somehow get free to go start kicking Russian ass

B: That's a damn sharp switchblade Mutt has, cuts right through everything.

D: *laughs* The car is just jiggling while Indy beats people up

M: This car chase goes on forever.

D: That didn't destroy the engine?

M: They're Russian cars, they're built different. Indy doesn't ever get shot despite guns going off one foot away from him.

D; Cate might be psychic but she has terrible aim

M: Mutt finds one of Cate's swords so he can fence.

D: Indiana can take down a whole cavalcade of cars but then he can't punch out one guy?

M: Mac tries to tell Indy that he's actually a double or triple agent and he’s on Indy's side now but come on, why would you trust this guy?

B: They had that whole conversation about how Mutt used to fence, that's like a, y’know, Cosgrove's fish. Chekov's gun!

M: Biscuits is a little tipsy. Mutt is holding his own against Cate somehow while his mom gives him pointers. The skull makes a hollow ‘boing’ noise when it hits someone. People have changed cars like 30 times at this point.

B: A little goofy.

M: We haven't even gotten to the ants yet. Shia gets caught in some vines and then he literally Tarzans this shit back to the convoy. No really.

Shia LaBeouf has returned to monke

D: You can't kill them! The Russians need Oxley or they can't find the thing!! They need him!

B: Doctor Joanes. That was straight up British.

D: Monkeys! Get em monkeys! Monkeys are ruthless.

M: Now the ants. Giant killer ants, like you have in wherever they are in South America.

B: That's a really big ant.

M: I did say giant. Now Russian and American alike are about to be devoured by ants.

B: Ants are doggedly pursuing them, a literal fucking wave of ants. But then they get tackled as they’re fleeing the ants.

D: It's the part where Indy has to fight a huge guy and nearly lose but then not.

M: It's a staple.

B: But apparently the skulls psychic powers work on...ants....so ox is gonna keep them away.

D: PROTECTIVE SHIELD!

Activate alarm! Cannot approach!

M: The giant Russian is down! And it's ant time for him as they file into his face hole and carry him into their giant ant hill. and they're all gone now and no longer interested in anyone else. Back to the car chase!

D: So they're gonna rappel down the cliff

B: Marion is gonna drive off the cliff.

M: She does tho and lands perfectly on a branch that allows them to drive into the river and the branch snaps back up and kills like four Russians, because movie.

D: Good thing those vehicles are amphibious. I wanna go on this Disneyland ride.

M: They go over a waterfall but there's actually three fucking waterfalls and somehow they keep landing in the boat and not losing the skull or their lives.

D: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Akator??

B: Good thing the water they landed in is also shallow enough for them to stand up in.

M: Indy is like, I'll take the skull the rest of the way because the skull told me to but I guess you guys can come too. Now they're inside the fucking stone skull cave at the bottom of the waterfalls and there's a giant temple full of weird paintings.

B: For real, Ancient Aliens type beat. The aliens taught them irrigation and farming and shit.

M: I understand Ox...someone came. *no comment*

B: All of the aliens will...come

M: Why do they assume those are aliens?? They found skeletons with elongated skulls earlier that were human so why are these definitely not human?

B: Because they're in the alien place?

D: Wait, where did these people come from??? How did they get there??? HOW?

B: they were just hanging out, waiting for people to come so they could attack them and it would look cool for the movie.

M: The random natives are kicking everyone's ass but then Ox does the skull thing he did to the ants and they all are like oh shit and they leave.

B: The Russians are like - a tracking bug! We should go to the conspicuously skull shaped cave in the waterfall!

D: How does Cate even find these tracking devices? She doesn’t have a tracker, she’s just finding them on the ground?

M: How does Ox know how to get into the obelisk, he didn't do this part before.

B: The skull told him I guess. Saaaaaand.

M: They start breaking the faces off the obelisk and letting the sand out so it will go down and open the secret passage to the aliens?

B: This whole movie is a mcguffin. I know the other movies were all about mcguffins but this one is getting ridiculous.

D: Good thing they're all clean and dry still.

M: Why did the aliens put a spike trap inside the obelisk that leads to the aliens?

B: The people who worshipped them built it I guess, in case someone was trying to steal their artifacts, but they're actually trying to return one so....

M: Mac starts immediately stealing stuff because he's never been in an Indiana Jones movie before and doesn't realize that's BAD. Also mac is leaving more tracking devices because he's a quadruple agent.

D: He's a double triple quarter pound agent. The Russians just shot the natives.

B: There are artifacts from every early culture in here because the ALIENS WERE ARCHEOLOGISTS!

M: The skull starts humming, like you do, and Indy is like, I gotta press it into this hole and whammo the door will open.

B: The aliens just bonk their noggin into it to open it.

M: And now the alien room with the alien skeletons.

B: We built this city...they built it so they could sit around and just look cool in this room forever or fuck I don't know. They're aliens, god knows what they're doing. They're not dead, they're just like dormant.

Return the slab or suffer my curse...

M: But here's Cate and her accent again and she’s like, they're a hive mind!

B: How does she know this?

M: Who knows. She's gonna take the skull though and stick it back on the alien skeleton and it just shwoomps back on because magnets.

B: Look, Indy has seen things you have not seen, he's seen people get melted by artifacts, he's not gonna gamble with the aliens.

M: But Cate is! She demands to know everything the aliens know and well...she's gonna. The eye sockets of the skeletons start....smoking a little.

B: Oh yeah by the way...the temple is like...a fucking SPACESHIP or something, Oh my god.

M: Mac is still stealing stuff while the temple crumbles and the c-gen aliens start forming into a singular hive mind alien thinger.

B: ‘Inter-dimensional beings’, yeah whatever, they’re fucking aliens.

M: And there's a portal to another dimension

B: Back to their fucking home dimension or whatever, because we couldn't suspend our disbelief for SPACE aliens but if they’re just from another dimension it all makes sense.

M: Indy and the gang all get out and run away while Cate sees the universe through the eyes of the aliens until her head explodes. Indy tries to save Mac but alas...his greed kills him.

D: You asked for it, Cate

B: The alien looks kinda angy.

*dib and biscuits laugh*

B: And she disintegrates! Not in a cool gory way, her eyes just burn and she turns into dust. Get knowledged.

M: Indy and the gang somehow get propelled out of the temple by rising water and into the jungle.

D: God this movie looks so bad! The lighting and the c-gen looks so bad. and now the aliens are just gonna fuck off, I guess. Adios!

B: I must go, my planet needs me. Back to alien town. Indy just watches. Ox says some cryptic shit, ‘to the space between spaces’, what the fuck does that mean?? Their treasure wasn't gold, it was KNOWLEDGE!

M: Shia and Indy are like, WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME DAD? Ox has also apparently been cured of his indefinite madness now.

B: I guess everything turned out alright in the end!

D: And he's fine and he's cleared with the CIA! Indy got his job back! I melted the KGB with science so it's all good.

M: Indy and Marion get married because of course they do,

B: Things didn't work out so well the first time but why not.

D: Lookit this happy little family.

M: They set it up like Shia is gonna take over the mantle but he doesn't. I'm tired of typing.This movie is stinky but I still like it. It’s very silly.

B:I forgor that this movie came out at a time when 3D movies were EVERYWHERE, like literally every movie was in 3D even if it didn’t need to be, and sometimes they tried so hard to shoehorn 'cool 3D moments’ into a movie so hard it was to the detriment of the movie. And so many of those exact scenes are in this movie, and they haven’t aged well.

D: Movie bad.

M: You don’t get much more concise than that. Munch and Biscuits (and sometimes Dib out, yo)

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - CASINO ROYALE

IMDB BLURB: After earning 00 status and a license to kill, secret agent James Bond sets out on his first mission as 007. Bond must defeat a private banker funding terrorists in a high-stakes game of poker at Casino Royale, Montenegro.

WARNINGS: Violence (sorta), terrorism, nudity, CBT. No...really.

RATING: One randomly bleeding, asthmatic, chess prodigy Albanian with Mad poker skills.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: I get to go in blind again! I've never seen this because I don't really fuckin' enjoy Bond movies.

Biscuits: Me either, but we're watching one. Why are we doing this again?

M: Because you've got the hots for Mads Mikkelsen, I assume. This is only pg-13, why are we bothering?

B: I was gonna comment on that. It's not even really an action movie, it's just a movie where a guy goes to a poker game.

M: That's not very Bond, is it? Isn't he supposed to be like banging tons of women and blowing things up?

B: He does have sex with women for no reason, and I guess he does some other stuff. Mostly he seems like a chode who's incompetent at everything.

M: Movie starts all NOIR. I don't know what's happening. Bond is here and some other guy and I guess other guy is selling secrets. Wait, he's not even 007 yet??? What's the point??

B: He's about to get promoted. This is a flashback scene. Bond is played by Daniel Craig, who is a guy. Is he good looking? No. Is he a good actor? Eh...

M: I like Daniel Craig, just not really as James Bond. Would've made a great gay James Bond.

B: Listen, Bond HAS to be a straight white British guy or the world will fall apart. He should have been gay Bond. We have to face so much injustice in this world. I do really like the Bond credit sequence.

M: Oh Eva Green is in this? She's hot. The opening credits always look cool.

B: This movie isn't good but it's heavy on the aesthetic.

M: Is this Soundgarden? I hate soundgarden. Aesthetic can redeem a movie tho. See Coppola's Dracula. It's not great but it's DRIPPING with aesthetic.

B: Also I know this based on the novel of the same name. I don't care.

M: I didn't know they wrote novels! Do all Bond movies have novels??

B: Let's get the jokes out of the way! Bames Nond's having a stronk, call the Bondulance! And when I find the guy who James Bond burgered my sister! There, now I don't have to make them. If you want us to watch other Bond movies, fuck you.

M: I don't wanna watch other Bond movies, they're not really good. So now we're in....fucking somewhere....there's a war going on or something in Africa. There's a lot of people with guns. And like three white dudes and one of them is Mads, so who cares about the others.

B: For this movie, instead of making the villian some Russian super agent who kills people, Le Chiffre is a financier, so we gotta set up this whole complex process of him taking money from people and doing terrorism for...stonks? Why not just a bad guy who kills people?

M: Because! Capitalism is the most evil. Bottom text. He's got a cool eye scar thing going on. I love the evil stock market thing.

B: Evil stonks! That's his whole thing, and Bond has to defeat this guy by beating him at a poker game!

M: That's...impressively lame. I guess we're in Madagascar now with some other dudes who are doing secret agent things but not very well because they just got caught. Bond is just standing there while this other white dude is doing all the work. Is he training him?

B: They're going after this bomb maker guy. Secret agent stuff, dude.

M: How silly of me. A rousing chase scene ensues. Bond suddenly has a fucking industrial plow but this guy knows PARKOUR and he is scaling the building frame in record time. Bond also knows parkour. Now something exploded.

B: I think Bond gets this guy killed.

M: Three other dudes have already died falling off the trellis.

B: That's what I'm saying! He's not a very good secret agent! Why isn't Bond chasing this guy, why is his friend Virgil or whoever chasing him. I don't know if that's his name, I literally just made it up.

M: It is now! Bond is here now and he's gonna chase this guy off a ten mile high building rig cos that's how secret agents do. Isn't this kind of high profile violence for a secret agent? Oh parkour guy is fine, he knows how to tuck and roll. Ow. Bond is definitely not okay but really he is. YOU CAN'T JUST DO A FUCKING 40 FOOT DROP AND BE FINE.

B: Bond has broken like every bone in his body by now and he just busted through a piece of DRYWALL.

M: Aren't they getting tired? This has been like 10 minutes of constant fighting and running and parkour.

B: Uganda's first action movie! Parkour guy set off an alarm and now there's bad guys everywhere and guns.

M: Bond gets hit by exactly zero of the 900000 bullets being fired by the 50 assault rifles. Now he's holding Parkour guy hostage but not really. He lets him go as a fake and then BLOWS UP 30 PEOPLE.

B: James Bond's war crimes, the movie. You could make an entire movie of those.

M: Why do they have 80 year old Nokia phones?

B: This film came out in 2006 so....

M: Back to the Bad guy! French Mads is having dinner with some randos.

B: Blood comes out of his eyeball sometimes.

M: WHY

B: To make him look cooler and more evil. He's really good at math, that's his evil superpower. Statistics.

M: British agent kills unarmed prisoner reads headline. AND 30 OTHER PEOPLE.

B: Mads is looking at this like - this guy sucks at his job. Oh yeah Judi Dench is here.

M: I don’t know how.

B: She was in some bad movies, okay. She was in CATS.

M: Don't make me remember that. She deserves better. Bond is doing some secret agent shit with some fucking computers that seem way too advanced for a world with the old brick Nokias.

Hacking photosynthesis.

B: Geolocating, triangulating. You think the government would have this kind of technology? They can't even afford printers. If there's one lesson life has taught me, it's that the government is incompetent.

M: H ( who is actually M being played by Judi Dench but Munch is dumb )  is kinda pissed about the rampage of death. Bond is awfully sassy for someone who sucks this much at his job.

B: H tells Bond that he's arrogant and shitty and shouldn't be so egotistical,  and he never learns this lesson. He's still arrogant at the end of the movie!

M: That's like the whole Bond thing tho, that he's this verr macho macho man who doesn't need oversight because he's so BADASS except this Bond sucks at being a secret agent.

B: Bond is doing something, he's very cool. He's got GPS.

M: Where the fuck is Q? Doesn't Bond need gadgets and shit??

B: Later. Did I tell you this movie is really boring?

M: No. Bond is tying his shoes and getting the lay the of the land for a long time, which does not at all look suspicious.

B: He's also bad at parking a car. He might have done that on purpose.

M: Just to be an asshole?

B: That guy thought he was the valet.

M: So he destroys his car?

B: You saw what he did to other shit! Bond immediately begins snooping.

M: What even is his mission right now? Watch dvds?

B: He's...secret....I don't know...looking to find some clue? Hang the fuck on, I just got a fucking email from 8TRACKS telling me someone liked my playlist!??! What the hell???

M: Who the hell has an 8tracks account in this year of our lord, 2023???

B: I forgot I did!

James Bond on his Nokia liking my 8tracks Fallout playlist I made in 2014.

M: You and this one other guy apparently. Bond is doing really boring shit. I don't even care. He's getting a hotel room. Whoo. Later we shall bang, beautiful blonde woman at the counter. Bond goes swimming. This is so dull. A woman I assume to be Eva Green rides by on a white horse. No it is not Eva Green. Nevermind. Bond has hacked into H's account to look up criminal profiles on facebook. Le Chiffre, banker...accountant. EVIL GENIUS.

B: Some dudes are playing poker or something. Bond is gonna play. That's important. A hot woman appears. She is the woman from the horse earlier. Her boyfriend is a dick.

M: Bond is gonna gamble away all of H's retirement.

B: Bond is good at poker, but not really.

M: He's probably cheating. And eyeing up the girlfriend. He hasn't banged anyone yet so we gotta get that 13 into the pg-13 rating. Mr Bond is EXTREMELY forward. Hey I know you don't wanna piss off your boyfriend so how about coming back to my place with a man you just met for alcohol?? Biscuits has fucked off and left me. They're just gonna bang on the FLOOR?

B: Sex! James Bond is so cool. Why is she like giving him her life story? By the way this character only exists so Bond have sex with her. I guess he's trying to get information out of her?

M: With his penis?

B: This is spy business!

M: It's penis business, she's going down on him ffs. Or not, cue phone ringing. It's the husband/boyfriend. He's leaving so they can bang all night on the hard floor. Are we sure Bond's not gay? He seems really uninterested in this woman who is crawling all over him.

Hi honey, your voice sounds way deeper over the phone!

B: No he likes banging women, he's a cool guy.

M: When does the next fight scene happen? I'm bored. And out of booze. There's so many scenes of just...nothing happening. More poker is happening and Bond is getting caught by the husbando and they're having a very very boring knife fight where neither one really moves. And husband is stabbed but it's fine, nobody will notice.

B: He just stabs a guy in a museum because he's cool agent guy. Someone has taken the important evidence he was trying to get? But he figures it out by calling the cell phone.

M: How did he have this guy's number? From his wife? Now there's an airport. *yawns* A lot of walking around looking at things. Trying to find the guy who took his stuff. So he calls H and tells her he'll call her back. There might be a bomb.

B: *sits in silence for 10 minutes of these guys walking around doing nothing* Oh yeah...terrorism I guess? That should be the movie summary.

M: Accurate. It's very slow paced terrorism but how exciting can you make evil stonks??

B: They're gonna blow up a plane to tank the stonks and Bond's gotta stop it but he DOESN'T because spoiler alert, he's bad at his job!

M: *sits in silence for another 10 minutes of nothing really exciting happening while Bond doesn't do his job* I guess if I found like...car chases really thrilling...

B: I don't dislike action movie per se, I've discovered, there's some I actually like!

M: There's nothing wrong with some good cheesy action but this is taking itself waaaaaaay too seriously. It's so fucking overwrought. Like....move the fuck on with your action sequence. We all have lives to get back to.

B: The virgin Jame Bond vs the chad John Wick. What's happening? Oh yeah...epic action. SUPA ACTION!

ON IS THE MOVIE!

M: I'd rather be watching Who Killed Captain Alex.

B: That's a masterpiece of cinema so it's not really fair to compare this movie to it.

M: That's true. I like Daniel Craig but baby doll....you can do so much better than this. Let some other boneheaded guy play Bond. Oh I guess Bond's getting arrested.

B: They think he just did terrorism.

M: Meanwhile the other bad guy is blowing up the plane....and himself because Bond...planted a thing on him??

B: Le Chiffre uses an inhaler. I'm really scared of this old accountant with an inhaler. This is your bad guy. This is the guy your government is going after. And that girl Bond was fuckin' is fuckin' dead now.

M: Why is she like...dead on H's lawn???

B: They’re at the hotel I think. H is like...this is all your fault.

M: It IS tho. Le Chiffre is an Albanian chess prodigy accountant to terrorists and he has asthma. He is already like 100 times more interesting than Bond. I wanna know more about this fucking guy. H and Bond have a rousing discussion about stonks.

B: Le Chiffre's biggest crime...insider trading. Btw, you gotta go beat this guy in a poker game to stop terrorism.

M: How...exactly is that gonna stop him?

B: H just explained it, when he loses all his money he's gonna be scared because the guys whose money he has are gonna come after him and then the government is gonna take him in because he knows stuff.

M: Why would Le Chiffre bet ALL HIS MONEY in a poker game???

B: He's...super arrogant. This is Vesper Lynd, our Bond girl.

M: Eva Green is so beautiful and she deserves better than this. So I guess they're just gonna get Bond into this poker game and he's gonna win because uh...he's secret agent guy.

B: Bond has to do some back and forth biting flirtation with her.

M: Bond is apparently also an armchair psychologist. Women love being psychoanalyzed. Gets them so hot.

B: She's right, he is a bastard. She's a good character because she keeps telling him no and he needs to hear that more. He's reckless, he's a danger to everyone around him and he sucks at his job. And half of this movie is just people playing poker. Cool, high energy spy shit.

M: It's not even that interesting when they do the spy shit.

B: He never stops trying to fuck her.

M: Bond apparently only likes married women.

B: Like I said, he's kind of a chode.

M: How did they arrange this game if Le Chiffre knows who Bond is? They were just like, hey we're gonna try and entrap you, you mind?

B: It was already going on and they inserted Bond into it.

M: But if Le Chiffre KNOWS who he is and where he's from then.....

B: Look...the plot makes perfect sense. It just does.

M: WE AREN'T EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH. What the fuck else is gonna build the action for another hour??? We're leading up to a poker game!

B: There is no action. Only poker. Oh yeah Mathis is a character, he's not that important. Bond tells Vesper she needs to look hot for spy reasons so she can distract the other players. Bond assumes MI6 doesn't know his measurements, even though they have a tracking chip in his arm.

M: Seems like a shitty decision for a secret agent to allow a tracking chip....but that's just me.  Are you serious about the poker game going on for an hour?? Oh my god. Oh Le Chiffre knows everything. So...okay.

B: This is important, this whole password thing. Sort of.

M: They get to make a password so they can wire the money anywhere in the world or some shit but...

B: It's just so they have an excuse for Le Chiffre not to kill Bond immediately later.

M: But no spoilers.

B: This is where Mads spends a lot of time smouldering.

M: Well...he's good at it. He's the most interesting thing in this movie anyway.

B: Sorry your back is tired from carrying this whole movie, king.

M: The last Craig Bond movie I saw was that one with Javier Bardem as the villian and he carried the entire movie too. They should just make Bond villian movies.

B: Bond was too busy looking at boobies to make a bet.

M: I too, have been distracted by Eva Green's boobs, and unfortunately for you, I guess we do not get to see Mads’ boobies.

B: We do not.

M: Meester Bohnd.

B: This shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but the dealer keeps taking the player's cards and mixing them back in with the cards on the table, which like?? Why would you do that, don’t do that.

M: No cheating here.

B: They assume the audience doesn't know anything about poker, which they probably don't, but...

M: We gotta take a break so Bond can assault Lynn as some way of pretending he knows that Le Chiffre is bluffing but he's wrong.

Just...something happen! Please!

B: He doesn't know shit, he doesn't know that Le Chiffre is bluffing and Matthus's entire role is to tell the audience things and I hate him. I just want two hours of Mads sitting at a poker table in a beautiful building looking angry. Bond plants a tracking mechanism in Le Chiffre's INHALER which is a little ableist, I gotta tell you.

M: It's kinda fucked up. But then....I don't know why they don't just...kill him and instead decided to risk everything on some dumb high stakes poker game.

B: We gotta take this scene now to show these guys who are attacking Le Chiffre for not having their money but he should have the money! He just won like 4 billion on stock terrorism!

M: How the fuck is this guy in the hole to all these people when he's doing all this fucking underground evil money making?!

B: How do they even know where he is?

Yeah these guys are basically just a plot device, what can ya do.

M: They also put a tracker in his inhaler.

B: He takes the medication thing out and it's just full of tracking bugs. He also doesn't care if you hack his girlfriend into pieces.

M: Is Bond gonna fucking rescue the bad guy? Who is not actually that bad of a guy after all?

B: No but he's gonna kill people for no reason. Saving Le Chiffre would've been a very interesting plot twist!

M: They don't have the balls to do anything that interesting.

B: These guys are gonna shoot at him for...overhearing I guess and they're gonna fight in a stairwell because that's cool. (Editor’s note: Isn’t Bond killing the guys who want money from Le Chiffre kinda antithetical to their whole mission...?)(Editor’s editor note: Yes, but as you pointed out earlier, the plot makes perfect sense, it just does.)

M: He's gonna look really beat up when he gets back to the table.

B: Damn, what happened to you?? Oh I had sex with my wife so hard all this blood came out of my face because I'm so cool.

M: Bond is like...Vesper...go tell Matthus to get rid of all these bodies. What the fuck.

B: We gotta be reminded that Daniel Craig is buff and has abs. He's not really my type but he does have big titties.

M: He's old enough....

B: I'm not gonna respond to that.

M: You don't need to. Your old man thirst is well documented on this blog.

B: Le Chiffre is also fine after his horrific incident of terror.

M: I hope this doesn't affect his poker playing!

B: We're taking a break from the poker now because Vesper is traumatized and is sitting in a shower in her evening gown. This is like the one nice moment where Bond is trying to like...comfort her and maybe he's not a complete douchebag. But then he goes right back to being a douche.

Buck up, little camper.

M: He's sucking on her fingers so....yeah.

B: Just kidding, he was being horny the whole time. This your man?

M: Is there a point to that scene? Are we supposed to think he's a kinder gentler Bond....why has this game paused for the entire night???

B: It's like a tournament that goes on for several days...I think. Matthus just frames some rando for the murders in the stairwell.

M: That's fucked up. Mads stares deeply out a window.

B: Absolutely serving cunt.

M: The worst part is...the poker game is more interesting to me than anything else that's happened in this entire movie.

B: Bames Nond is gonna up the stakes because he thinks he knows when Le Chiffre is bluffing.    

M: They're playing it up by making it look like Le Chiffre has all these tells by touching his temples and shit but come on. This guy is a chess prodigy.

B: And then Le Chiffre goes ALL IN so that Bond has to go all in to match him. And now we're gonna have to pause for a minute so I can rant.

M: Four of a kind beats a full house motherfucker. Okay rant away.

B: Bond bet all his money so now he's broke and he's like, hey Vesper you and the accountant people need to give me more money! And they're like no, which is the correct response, because all he's done is LOSE! He's just demonstrated that he's really bad at poker! But then THIS OTHER GUY who was there at the poker table, who has not been important yet at all, is like "Hey I'm from the CIA and I'll buy you back into the game" - like WHAT. MY MAN. Also ensuring that James Bond receives ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES for his fucking failure!

M: Also, Bond just decides he's gonna kill Le Chiffre - with a fucking kitchen knife. But CIA guy stops him.

B: 007, Consequences. That doesn't sound like a very good movie, does it? But then Le Chiffre's girlfriend who kinda looks like Britney Spears poisons Bond's martini.

M: But why, he already lost all his money and he didn't actually attack Le Chiffre so....

B: He unlost tho so....she decided to give him consequences. It was just a drop of consequence poisoning.

M: Bond runs to the bathroom to barf and sweat and then go to his car in the middle of the game, which seems like it would also have consequences but that's where all his cool gadgets are so he can be like oh no I've been poisoned.

When will you learn?? When will you learn that your actions have CONSEQUENCES??

B: I don't wanna have to say it again but...Bames Nond is having a stronk....call the Bondulance. They’re like...defibrillate yourself.

M: Why don't they just fucking call an AMBULANCE. Or a BONDULANCE. How do they know it's digitalis???

B: The chip that monitors his blood can tell that but he didn't plug in the defibrillator because he's bad at his job! Eva shows up and she somehow knows what's going on and how to plug in the defibrillator and save him.

M: Bond, poisoned about 20 seconds ago is fine now. That's not how poison works.

B: When you die, it removes status effects! Come on!

M: You don't suddenly like...have a heart attack and then be like, oh poison gone.

B: Le Chiffre makes a great ‘how are you not dead’ face.

M: Back to poker. Stop trying to kill everyone and just fucking play. Two aces on the table so that's big. Everyone is going all in. If Le Chiffre is not fucking STUPID he won't do it but he's gonna because he's a bad guy. Bond goes all in.

B: As we clarified, he's bad at poker, but he's trying to force Le Chiffre to do it too.

M: He has to lose because otherwise they'll stare at each other longingly for all eternity. What would happen if one of these other dudes had four of a kind? A royal flush?

B: But Bond wins the poker game with a straight flush and Le Chiffre is mad now.

M: Why is the CIA playing in a high stakes game anyway?  Bond needs to get some grub. Which is fair.

B: He just wants to hit on Vesper.

M: There's still like...half an hour left.

B: The climax happens and then the falling action just goes on for like...half an hour.

M: That was the climax???

B: No that's the point that's coming up. That's when I climaxed at least. Vesper is like, don't you even care that you murdered two people?

M: And Bond is like, I've killed way more people than that. Oh shit....Matthus. He might be in danger!

B: Actually he was a double agent! He was working for the bad guy the whole time! And Bond runs after a moving car. He's gotta get in his cooler car.

M: Is this gonna be another 20 minute long chase scene? I'm sorry but there's NO WAY he somehow swerved to miss hitting Vesper tied up in the middle of the road also how did they get here there that fast?

Bond is definitely very alive after this, trust us.

B: Bond wrecks the ever loving shit out of his car and he is now dead. They have Bond now and they gotta get the tracking chip out of his arm. I guess they knew about it because of Matthus. Time for your ball flattening.

M: *dies laughing* Ouch.

B: I'm not kidding!

M: Oh this is a real thing?!

B: Dude this is the cock and ball torture scene!

M: You didn't say anything about a fucking CBT scene!!!

B: I thought everyone knew that happened!

M: NO. We're gonna have to put a CBT warning. I don't wanna see this! Oh god. Bond is naked and strapped to a chair with the base cut out and Le Chiffre is carrying a big rope and uh....

B: Le Chiffre has to sensually tell Bond he's taken good care of his body. All of Bond's villians are gay coded, they have been for ages, it's fine, nobody’s mad.

M: Hannibal training. I really don't need to see this happening. Is this where the pg13 rating comes in?

B: Is this an inappropriate time to say God I wish that were me?

M: YES. He just whacked Bond in the nuts with a huge rope.

B: Thank you daddy, may I have another? I wanna be whoever had to spray Mads to make him that greasy. Man is fucking lubricated.

M: Bond is screaming though, as anyone would be. But he's trying to be cool about having his balls decimated. Le Chiffre has a point tho.....even if he kills Bond, MI6 would still welcome him because he knows too much stuff. Much better terrorist tactic, threaten Vesper.

B: Is little mister Bond gonna tell Daddy the password, or is he gonna keep being a naughty boy?

Man, 50 Shades of Grey looking better than I remember

M: I don't know you.

B: Just in time to save Bond's balls, it's some guy! With a gun! Honestly it would’ve been a very bold move to make it canon that Bond loses his balls. But that doesn't happen. The world wasn't ready for gay, ball-less, villian rescuing James Bond.

M: They weren't even ready for a black Bond, do you remember the hate toward Idris Elba??? They would never let us remove Bond's Balls. Oh yeah....Le Chiffre is dead.

B: Matthus is actually like...a triple agent? He was working for them but now he's not really? Or maybe he is. He's just a plot device.

M: I have no idea. They just tased him.

B: I stopped watching after this point the first time because Mads was dead and all I wanted was him sitting there looking mad at a poker table.

M: Vesper is here and she's gonna make Bond feel all better, and I wanna know how he thinks he's gonna bone her when his balls are the size of grapefruits.

B: This man's testicles are wrecked right now. But because of trauma bonding, they're totally into each other right now. Speaking of people who don't have balls...it's my cat!

M: Hi kitty. They should have Bond sitting there with a giant ice pack on his lap. Vesper suddenly is like, I love you even without your balls. WHY.

B: Dude....

M: Bond is like, I have no armor. You must love me now. I love you. I have no balls. This is the fucking movie, friends. Are we really supposed to believe Names Bond is gonna settle down???

B: Sex mode activated!

M: He's pretty motivated for a dude with a hospital bed in his room.

B: We must be reminded that Daniel Craig is buff. Every Bond actor is like someone your mom thinks is hot.

So you’re a buff guy, like it really rough guy, just can’t get enough guy

M: My mom definitely thinks Daniel Craig is hot. He's okay.

B: I think Vesper double crosses him actually.

M: Good. He's got it coming.

B: I'm ready to quit my job and travel the world with you, woman I've known for two days. He's acting like he's gonna quit because being a secret agent is so hard on him emotionally. He's resigning, but not really.

M: I think he's just afraid for his balls. Which is fair. Why isn't this over yet? The bad guy is dead.

B: We gotta set up for the next movie. He always looks like such a goober when he's not in his sleek spy suit. Why would his employer want him to come back?? He failed at everything.

M: He didn't even take out the bad guy. Le Chiffre is dead but that's not what they wanted, they wanted him alive.

B: Everything went wrong except that Bond is cool now and he gets to fuck a woman half his age.

M: Ooooh H wants to know where the monies are, and Bond is like...oshit...is Vesper stealing all the money?? Uh oh. Now MI6 is gonna kick your ass. To be fair, if I was Vesper...I would've done the same thing. Fuck this guy.

B: She's being manipulated by some secret organization because she couldn't have done this of her own free will because woman.

M: That's way less interesting.

B: I thought it was gonna turn out the person she'd been in love with was Le Chiffre but no. He doesn't like women that much.

M: I like my version better where she's just like, you know what Bond, you're a lying sack of shit with huge swollen balls and I'm taking your monies.

B: We gotta have one more action scene because otherwise the board would be like no we need more shoot gun explosion action.

M: Boo. This should have ended like an hour ago.

B: The falling action goes on forever. They had to set up the next movie instead of being like hey Bond your next mission is to go to Costa Rica and fuck some dudes in the ass! Except more British.

M: He's gotta cause enough property damage to negate all the money MI6 would've gotten back.

Listen, blowing up that building was just a goof!

B: This might be more than that. He's levelling buildings. Daniel Craig does have extremely blue eyes. They are very pretty. Nice titties and very blue eyes.

M: The bar is so low. He's like...perpetually doing duckface tho as his natural expression. I don't even know what's happening, stuff is just exploding. Vesper might be drowning, there's a lot of dust and gunfire. I assume Bond will come out on top. Oh he's gonna rescue Vesper? Or not. She's gonna commit aliven't??

B: Secret agent stuff? I guess? Some kind of thing.

M: This makes no sense.

B: That's implying the rest of the movie did make sense. No, don't try to save me. I love you, let me drown to death. She just exhaled so much, she would be drowning already, so would he.

M: She does tho and he's fine, despite all of his exhalation.

B: He might not be good at his job but he's got the lung capacity of a seal.

M: Somehow he got her out of the water and now he's doing the sexiest version of rescue breathing I've ever seen, wherein he doesn't even exhale and just makes out with her corpse.

B: We don't really feel bad for him tho because as we've clarified, he's kind of an asshole, and we don't feel bad for her because she mostly existed for him to bang.

M: And now M has to explain that Vesper had a boyfriend but they kidnapped him and were threatening to kill him so...that's kinda fucked up. Bond is like, NO I DON'T CARE ANYMORE SHE WAS A BITCH.

B: He's acting like a 10 year old. Now we'll never know who was behind all this because you fucked it all up, Bond. Don't worry, he'll fall in love with a different woman in the next movie.

M: I'm literally just waiting for this fucking movie to end. It won't end. They keep adding random shit that means nothing. There's another criminal fucking organization behind everything and we donut care at all. Some other guy just got shot by Bond. BLARG. I don't really have any closing thoughts uh....Bond really sucks now. Like...either stick to your guns and make him this utterly dehumanizing super macho bullshit strong dude or don't. But don't fucking go back and forth with it the whole movie. It's annoying as hell. The villian was 10000 times more interesting.

B: James Bond? More like LAMES BOND.

M: Parfait.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - HALLOWEEN ENDS

IMDB BLURB: The saga of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode comes to a spine-chilling climax in the final installment of this trilogy.

WARNINGS: The usual blood and guts slasher stuff, plot holes, discombobulation, facepalming, psychic linking, the elderly, old Michael Myers. Some cheesy gore included in the review.

RATING: You are finally safe from Shia Labeouf.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: This is going to be full of so much of us just ranting. I hope you fuckers like reading, because we have some things to SAY. There's so much going on in this movie, and absolutely none of it made ANY sense to me. I don't understand why this was a trilogy when the only thing the movies had in common was Jamie Lee Curtis. The first movie has nothing to do with the second. The second movie felt like a two hour long trailer for the third, and the third movie completely ignored everything that happened in the two previous movies. This movie is an absolute clusterfuck. HOWEVER! My one unforgivable sin for a movie is that it is BORING, and my friends....my beloved friends...this movie is sure as shit not that.

Biscuits: I think you're frontloading this with way too much information. There's no real way to preface Halloween Ends and honestly there's no real need to.

M: Fair. The movie opens with the introduction of one Corey Cunningham, who is obviously not a collection of tumblr sexymans all crammed into one pathetic waifish sad little man.

B: He's basically like...dollar store Will Graham. He's perfect. He's tumblr sexyman bait 101. A textbook poor little meow meow

M: He was not, however, mentioned at all in any of the previous movies.

B: No, but he's here.

M: And he's a babysitter, replacing the entire Tommy Doyle storyline in the second movie.

B: Disclaimer, I don't remember anything about Halloween Kills except evil dies tonight.

M: The entire last movie was about Tommy Doyle!

B: I remember Laurie was in the hospital and a guy got killed and maybe we were the virus the whole time!

M: Corey really is like...the most pathetic. He's getting his ass handed to him by what...a seven year old?

B: He looks like young Patrick Wilson in this intro. They're watching The Thing! In the original Halloween, they did watch a movie called The Thing, although the John Carpenter version wouldn't come out for a few years. However it’s still a reference to the original.

M: Corey gets yelled at by this punk ass kid and goes to drink some choccy milk, because he's a baby.

B: As someone who drinks chocolate milk...wait, am I a baby? Beer? NO. Choccy milk. And there's a NOISE.

I diagnose you with babey.

M: Jeremy has staged a home invasion, because he's literally the worst little shithead kid.

B: In the old days kids in movies were like, “oh poor little Tommy Doyle, he’s just a nice boy who likes comic books” and nowadays kids in movie are always cursing and beating people up. Kinda boomer energy if you ask me. Anyways, Jeremy is going to really impressive lengths to make Corey think he's getting murdered or some shit. He's committing to the bit I guess.

M: Unfortunately for Jeremy, he's underestimated the poor little meow meow's claustrophobia. After locking Corey the babysitter in the attic, Corey begins to FUCKING FREAK OUT. Which, I understand. And then the parents are back, it's been like ten minutes.

B: There was an implied time cut but it feels really fast.

M: Jeremy is taunting the panicking Corey directly in front of the door and Corey then kicks it down, screaming about how he's gonna kill Jeremy and then kicks the door somehow hard enough to send Jeremy flying over the railing to his death.

B: That's honestly impressive considering that Jeremy is about as tall as the railing. Maybe don't live in a 20 story house, what can I say. The house doesn't even look that tall from the outside?

Funniest shit I’ve ever seen

M: Anyway, kid dead. Right in front of his parents. Corey bad. I wasn't expecting that at all the first time, it honestly was one of the few moments of this movie where I was like - oshit.

B: Corey IS bad, we establish that later, but he didn't mean to kill the kid so right now it's just like, well that sucks for everybody. 

M: The intro is cool though, the title screen with the pumpkins is cool. 

B: It does feel wrong to have the opening credits in BLUE. They've always been in that weird yellowy orange. Is John Carpenter alive? 

M: Yes!

B: I feel like we had this conversation last time, when Halloween Kills came out. Wes Craven is dead, right?

M: *laughs* Yes. How did the audience score get up to 57 percent?

B: Everyone was like OH MY GOD CUTE BOY. 

M: Laurie comes on the narrate the entire history of this particular timeline, conveniently leaving out the entire second movie except the death of whatserface, her daughter.

B: Including footage from the first movie, over 40 years old, which looks better than this movie. Halloween kills felt like it was just setting up this movie and they don't even reference it except with the lady who got stabbed in the neck. Laurie owns a house in Haddonfield now, which she bought with all her money from doing....something. She lives with her granddaughter now and she's writing a book. 

M: I guess she's been in therapy now. She's a kinder, gentler Laurie. 

Laurie Strode is in this movie, I guess.

B: Every movie has a different metaphor and none of them ever get fully fleshed out. They always feel like first drafts, even in the 2018 Halloween. I don't know why they keep trying to this hashtag deep stuff. Just make a movie that's GOOD and the metaphors will come naturally.

M: Try viewing a Jordan Peele movie, he's a master at it. Anyway, back to Corey, this pathetic wet man is now an adult or whatever but he's still a huge wuss. 

B: He was an adult! They said he was 21! So now he's ....25? These radio segments are giving me ptsd. 

M: I have no idea.

B: He works at a garage with his dad, who gives him a motorcycle. He is now me. He likes chocolate milks and motorcycles and wears flannels and I'm gonna sue them for putting my likeness in this movie. 

M: Cut to Allyson, who is still here for some reason. And her shitty almost boyfriend cop guy? 

B: He's into her or...he's flirting with her or...hey there's a guy. Hark a vagrant! Horror movies always gotta have a creepy homeless guy. It's kind of a gross stereotype that homeless people are insane and evil. I feel like the day has passed when we need to use the creepy homeless guy trope.

M: Corey wanders into a convenience store for some choccy milk and gets harassed by some fucking senior high schoolers who want him to buy them beer.

B: These are the unrealistically shallow bully stereotypes, which I also thought we'd moved past.

M: They even have the slightly reluctant bully character. None of these dudes look they'd be hanging out with a football jock. But here comes Laurie! 

B: Kind of like Henry Bowers, except Henry was an older kid picking on younger kids and these are kids picking on a grown man and causing him bodily injuries. Laurie shows up and has her ONE moment of seeming like a badass and they slash the bullies tires. This Laurie will never show up again. 

Laurie woke up this morning and chose violence. Unfortunately, she will not choose violence again.

M: The characterization is SO bad, everyone changes constantly. Why is my Laurie suddenly so soft and easily injured?? All I wanted was for her to kick ass this entire movie and she absolutely does not do that. She has little flashes of being the Laurie from the first movie, but overall she is so torn down and deadened. 

B: This movie has similar themes to Halloween Kills but they never reference the events of Halloween Kills, like the town forming an angry mob and killing an innocent man. That could have some parallels to Corey’s situation, maybe the town would’ve learned a lesson about jumping to judgments and mob mentality... but it kinda just seems like everybody (including the writers) just kinda forgot about that shit. Honestly if it wasn’t for Karen being dead, this could’ve just been a direct sequel to the first one and it would’ve made just as much sense.

M: Probably more sense, actually. Allyson is at work and Laurie comes in with Corey and suddenly OH MY GOD. Allyson is like - you are the tumblr waif I have been waiting for all my life. 

B: Also, gonna screech about how much this boy looks like Will Graham. His hair, his glasses, the way he dresses, they deliberately styled him this way. Just do that guy from Hannibal but put him in this movie. Also, Corey's arc makes no sense. They so heavily coded him as autistic in the first part of this that it might as well not be there at all. But then he jumps to being a nasty boy who enjoys murder like...really quickly. It spirals out of control so fast.

M: Everything in this movie does. Let's talk about pacing! Like so many movies we've reviewed recently, pacing is a major flaw in this one. 

B: Does Hollywood even know how to make movies anymore?

M: No. The first part of this movie goes SO FAST. There's no build up, it's just thrown in your lap, in your face, at mach speed. Corey and Allyson have had a super major bonding experience in 12 seconds over him getting stitches and now they're in love. 

B: Allyson is hitting on him and he has no idea how to react. 

Behold: the human uwu

M: Now Laurie is back at home with Allyson and this random tarot reader chick.

B: I will give this movie one thing, Allyson pulls out the death card and they say IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN DEATH, fucking THANK YOU. It's a pet peeve of mine. 

M: No you're right, it doesn't actually mean death in tarot but it says death and looks spooky so....Laurie has another little moment of being cool while she's making pies or whatever and talks about showing your tits to grief.

B: Corey's parents are a piece of work. Really just his mother. His dad or stepdad or whatever seems fine but his mom is awful. An incredibly overbearing and controlling parent, which I guess is maybe supposed to be influenced by his trauma? Or his neurodivergence?

M: Corey's dad is awesome tbh, I was rooting for him. Allyson is suddenly back at the junkyard with Corey and they're gonna have a lesson or something but it's just fodder for their stupid burgeoning pointless relationship side arc. 

B: We also get the obligatory bully's dad doesn't really love him moment but it's so irrelevant. Speaking of irrelevant, Laurie has a whole bit in a supermarket with Frank but at least these two have some chemistry. 

M: Frank being the cop from the other movies, and honestly I was kinda rooting for them. It's kinda cute and I liked the idea of Laurie actually being happy for a change. 

B: It feels genuine, the two play off each other well. Unlike Allyson and Corey where she's like HELLO I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU NOW and he's like.. Okay.... You can't just take this guy home, you gotta do your research.

M: Also for no real reason, Laurie is accosted outside the supermarket by the family of someone who was assaulted in Halloween Kills. This is one of the only references to Halloween Kills. Now more bullshit radio exposition. Allyson did not do her research, and takes her poor little traumatized autistic boyfriend to a crowded party at a public bar full of people who don't like him.

B: You can't just take one home cos it looks cute in the store! It gets bigger than you thought it would, it needs too much attention, it doesn't get along well with other dogs... This is how they end up in shelters Allyson!

Being a black cat, she really should be more conscientious of these things.

M: Or in the sewer. Introducing alcohol to a boy who only drinks chocolate milk, also not a good idea. Corey is, however, getting the fuck down. This isn't gonna go well. 

B: The first time I saw this, I legit thought he was having a seizure.

M: CONVENIENTLY, the mother of the kid he accidently killed is at the bar and drunk! Can you spell McGuffin?

B: She's still a little pissed about that one. There's another implied storyline in that Corey killed someone and was found innocent... wonder how that went. Might’ve been an interesting premise for a movie. Maybe they’re trying to imply that he got off because the defense used his neurological deficiency as a defense but they didn't want to SAY it. Maybe I'm reading too much into this?

M: Allyson chases Corey into the street where he yells a lot because he's massively overstimulated and upset and Allyson doesn't know how to take care of her new pet. To be fair, he's got points. They do not see him and Allyson in the same light. 

B: You can't leave them alone! He needs constant supervision! You think you can fix him but you can't. You don't know him like I do, I can fix him.

M: ON CUE, the bullies from earlier show back up after Corey walks off to harass him some more. For no reason. Also they have not changed their clothes. They start beating the shit out of Corey, as is his lot in life thus far. 

B: Another plot point, EVERYONE in Haddonfield is a fucking asshole. Corey, already angry and prone to outbursts of emotion, confronts the jock and they throw him off the bridge. Like for real. Corey accidently killed a kid, but these guys are just dicks.

M: They assume he is DEAD and just leave him there. And this is where...things start happening. Oh god. Corey is dragged offscreen into the sewers by what we must assume is Michael Myers. This raises some obvious questions. Why is Michael living in the sewer? What's he been doing down there for four years?

B: He just disappeared at the end of the Halloween Kills and just went to go live in the sewer? .....Why? 

M: Why hasn't he killed anyone in those four years?

B: This movie would imply that he, the same man known for his supernatural strength and endurance, suddenly became old and feeble.

M: How's he been feeding himself this whole time? Rats? Old Mcdonalds?

B: Maybe the vagrant has been feeding him? Maybe he doesn't survive on conventional sustenance. Also this movie rips off IT a lot. Everyone is an asshole, irrationally evil bullies, and weird monster living in the sewers. Except this monster is old man Michael Myers. I don't know. 

M: We are 1/3 of the way into the movie. 

B: Allyson is sad because her boyfriend got angry and left. Back in the sewer...Corey wakes up, there's rats. He's fine. Maybe a little head trauma. 

M: Michael Fucking Myers just....left him there. Just laid him down and went, aight. You just rest. I'm gonna stand over here and stare at you while you sleep. Then I'm gonna grab you by the throat and all of the sudden we're gonna psychic bond.

I...I got nothin'.

B: He chokes Corey nearly to death and there's a rapid fire dream sequence of Corey's entire life and now he's infected with the Michael Virus tm. (we forgot to mention that Laurie said something about being infected with evil earlier, this will become relevant-ish ) *laughter*

M: I don't even wanna type this out. This is really happening. There's been absolutely no evidence of Michael having psychic powers. There's been no evidence of Corey having these abilities, but here we are. There will not be another moment of this type of thing happening again. 

(Dib: They're having a bro moment. A Broment.)

B: Maybe it’s not like a psychic powers thing. It could just be...really bad editing?

M: It's implied that he's seeing all this through Michael's eyes! And then he just lets Corey go. Corey gets out of the sewer.

B: He's infected Corey with the Michael virus and now he's using Corey to do his bidding!

M: But that makes no sense because Michael goes out and does his own shit too! 

B: I'm trying to make it make sense! I’m trying rationalize this when the simple answer is that it just isn't rational. 

M: I can't believe you're sober for this one. The harbinger vagrant from earlier shows back up and is like- WHY DID HE LET YOU LIVE?? That's a very fucking good question, my guy, but it's moot because Corey is gonna stab him to death.

B: The vagrant pulls a knife on him but he turns it back on the vagrant and that's accidental death number two, and then he yeets the knife but now he's been infected with Michael Myers lycanthropy or whatever so he can go enjoy murder now or whatever. He has his crazy person Will Graham staring in the mirror moment, sweating and washing the blood off himself. 

M: All we're really missing here is a wendigo. 

B: Oh yeah Allyson's friend got a promotion and she's mad because she wanted it but that's not really relevant but I'm not sure what IS relevant. Laurie does a lot of monologing in this movie. 

M: That's kinda her entire role in this film now. Gone is my badass kickass Laurie. But there's Corey, standing outside her house like Michael Myers. 

“Hey who’s feeding this guy tiers?”

B: He's trying to farm Tier 3 off her. And then she comes out and Corey is like oooh sorry I'm sorry I got jumped and got my ass kicked. This is your sexy murder boy, this tiny boy who can't finish a sentence. 

M: To be fair Allyson, you kinda were a dick to him. But now he's infected and we get a Laurie slow mo where she's like HEY WAIT I SMELL EVIL. 

B: And Corey's just like - hey I killed someone is that gonna affect our relationship? But not really. They go to the house where he babysat for to show Allyson where he killed a kid. 

M: Perfectly normal relationship things. Just go to a murder site and tell your new girlfriend about it. There's still bloodstains on the floor ffs. But she's like - no it's cool, I heard about it and I was like - I know this boy, he's looking for me. 

B: Whatever the fuck. Laurie goes to visit Corey's mom and she's more than kind of a bitch. Why does this sound like a parent teacher meeting? " I know he's had his difficulties..." 

M: It doesn't go well. Now Allyson is at a restuarant with Corey where she trauma dumps and is like - I wanna burn Haddonfield down. Now she's suddenly all edgy in this movie. 

B: Allyson goes through like seven 180 turns in this movie. 

M: You're not afraid now, Corey? This entire town's been kicking your ass this whole movie. Then the fucking cop ex boyfriend CONVENIENTLY shows up in the middle of their dinner to also provide some rising action. 

B: Most of these people have no reason to be this awful! They're just horrible awful stinky people. It's just a town where everyone sucks. 

M: Corey's a badass now, because he's got Michael Myers virus or whatever so he's gonna get up in the cop's face, but the cop is a huge dick anyway. Also he is now wearing a blue jumpsuit. They leave and go on a romantic bike ride to her house where they're gonna kiss kiss make out. 

B: But Corey's like, nah, I'm gonna go. And this cop guy, instead of LETTING IT GO gets in his cop car to go beat the shit out of Corey, as is the town's national past time, but Corey knows what he's up to, so he's gonna feed him to Michael Myers. Because Corey is a murderboy now. 

M: No really, this is what happens. Why does Mikey need someone to bring him people to kill??? 

B: He needs to regain his powers or something.

M: BUT HE DOESN'T DO THAT. It makes NO sense. The cop guy find the dead vagrant and goes oh noes, but Corey is there and attacks him.

B: It doesn't go well though because Corey's still a little bitch but he runs into the sewer and this fucking cop GOES INTO THE SEWER. It's not worth it, homey! Your masculinity really so fragile you gotta kick his ass because he likes your ex girlfriend. 

M: I still don't get why Michael needs this shit. But there he is, and Corey's just gonna stand there because he likes to watch. " Show me how to do it!" Corey says like a fucking murder virgin even tho he's killed two people at this point. It ain't hard, bruh. You just stab. Michael is looking pretty rough tbh, he can barely even fucking walk. 

B: It looks weirdly sexual.  He's really horny for MIchael Myers, but he can join the club because a lot of people are horny for Michael. 

M: I think it's intentionally sexual tbh. It seems to be implied that Corey is in some way getting off on this. Corey runs back to Allyson and is like WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME, WE SHOULD BANG. 

B: He's just badly written Will Graham, that's all there is to it. 

M: Laurie sees them going upstairs and Michael apparently left the sewer to go stand in the bushes and stare at Laurie but now he's gotta go back to the sewer. Oh my god, we are only halfway through. Nobody talks like these fucking people in real life.

B: "I keep seeing his eyes, Michael's eyes in Corey." He's got Michael Myers eyes...like Betty Davis eyes, but not.

M: I want some ice cream, you type for a minute. Oh god, we're only halfway through.

B: WHOOOAA we're halfway there, o-ooh~

M: Michael in a chaiirrr. Or something, I dunno. Oh yeah, Laurie goes to the same bar Corey had his breakdown in, because it's the only bar in town, so we can further this stupid infection storyline - which was not hinted at or built up in any of the previous movies.

B: The dad of the kid Corey killed is rambling on about how Corey had the devil in his eyes. He looks like an angel, walks like angel, talks like an angel, but we got wise.

M: Everyone in this movie shows up at the exact moment they're needed for the plot.

B: Oh yeah, the shitty doctor is fucking the nurse who got the promotion at Allyson's work and they gonna get SLASHED. Finally, some cheesy gore in this fucking slasher movie.

M: OKAY - so all of a sudden, in this next bit Michael, who has been shown to be a feeble, barely-functioning sewer gremlin, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is still very strong and very murderous. But after this scene ends, they throw that all in the garbage.

B: Bla bla bla get to the murder already. 

M: Corey has to...initiate things, for some reason. Corey has to do the foreplay.

B: Also, the scarecrow mask looks dumb. They couldn't have gotten anything mildly more sinister?

M: I love this scene where you can see Corey in the background stabbing the doctor like 18 times. Corey is basic bitch-ing this shit.

B: Corey is not very good at murder. But thankfully, daddy lion is here to show baby lion how to hunt.

M: SEE! Michael fucking holds her up by her throat! He stabs her clear into the wall! This is not a feeble old man! Meanwhile, Corey is like mentally masturbating. Or...just masturbating.

“You’re a murder tramp, murder tramp...”

B: He's very excited. 

M: Now I guess he went and got Allyson again so they could go on another ride.

B: They're speeding down to the radio station roof like two punk kids who don't give a shit for some exposition. 

M: Allyson just says infected for no reason? 

B: I think she's commenting on his wound but...it's like wow you're infected with Michael. Evil does not literally work like a virus! I understand the allegory but like...you don't get infected with it from someone else who is evil. 

M: The radio dj comes out and like everyone else in Haddonfield, he's a huge dick. So he sits there just berating Allyson and Corey for no good goddamn reason. 

B: They could just...leave the situation. But they just stand there and let him insult them until he tells them to leave. This is not how real adult people react to these situations. Corey's feeling overprotective. Laurie is stalking them. 

M: Back to Corey's house where his unbearably overbearing mother is slapping him and berating him and then his dad's like - I hope you find love. Wtf. And now it's Halloween. Corey is asleep on the floor of the murder house. 

B: Laurie is there! She's got a paper airplane, aka a reference to the beginning of the movie. Inside of you there are two wolves, Corey. One is gay. The other one is gay. 

M: Laurie can just smell the Michael, and she again mentions infection. But they never really elaborate on that. They never come out and say - hey Michael is infecting this town. 

B: Laurie is threatening in this scene almost to the point of seeming evil. She's like - Allyson didn't read the manual, she's not equipped to deal with you so we gotta take you back to the shelter, buddy.

Stop dating my granddaughter, grungy little murder hobbit.

M: Corey makes the incredible mistake of saying - if I can't have her, nobody will, and demands that Laurie just give up and let herself just drown in misery until she DIES. 

B: But then she's not there.

M: Her Laurie senses were tingling.

B: Or she didn't wanna listen to Corey's sudden and unwanted slam poetry. Which also doesn't make any sense. I'm trying to commentate on the dialogue but it's just nothing. It's a nothing sandwich. Corey calls Allyson on the phone sounding like fucking Ghostface. 

M: Why not throw another reference in there? 

B: And he's like - your gramma is trying to kill me and Allyson is just like - yes that is absolutely true. 

M: And then this fucking shit. Corey just zooms on back to Sewer Michael, and just kicks the ever living shit out of MICHAEL MYERS, THE UNKILLABLE KILLING MACHINE, THE PERSONIFICATON OF EVIL, THE MOTHERFUCKING SHAPE and takes his mask. Yeah okay. The same dude who was strong enough to pin a chick through a wall in the last kill. 

B: Corey is sapping his strength now?! Because of the Michael virus?? I'm trying to engage with this movie on it's own level.

(Dib: You tried to read this movie's terms and conditions?? WHY??)

M: This is such utter bullshit and I hate it. 

B: They have this whole drawn out scene of these two wrestle. There's no tension at all, it's just like two drunk dudes duking it out outside the 7/11.

M: Michael sits up though after his ass beating. 

B: The dumb teenage bullies, still wearing the same clothes, and Corey has scratched up their car or whatever so now they're gonna kick his ass again. 

M: Allyson is leaving Laurie and Laurie is like no he's crazy and murderous, but to be fair I don't like anyone in this movie. Laurie is obnoxious, whiny and preachy Allyson is dumb and doesn't pay attention to anything. 

B: Also again, it's utterly out of character for Allyson to just suddenly to be like no grandmother you are psycho bonkers crazy. 

M: The bullies have been led to the junkyard where Corey works which is obviously a fucking trap, but people in a horror movie never realize they're in a horror movie so they gon' die. 

B: They're gonna fuck up his bike but actually they're gonna get slashed and stabbed and shit. There's not even that much murder in this movie. 

M: There's almost no Michael Myers in this movie. 

B: Billy Bully gets stabbed in the eye and then they run away from a speeding vehicle in A STRAIGHT LINE, just go between the cars or anything?!?! 

M: Corey's dad is working late though and Jock Bully is like OHMIGOD HELP US and so dad goes out there but Corey's still murdering people but now with the Myer's mask on. And unfortunately for Corey's dad, the one not totally awful person in Haddonfield, he gets shot through the brain and dies. 

B: The kid crushed under the vehicle is still alive but Corey fucking BLOWTORCHES this jock bully and then crushes the other's head like a grape because he's apparently super stronk now. 

M: Corey's gotta go home now and kill his mom. Because we need more Halloween references since Michael's not even in this fucking movie. And then we're gonna go kill the radio guy because he was also an asshole. Corey's gonna be fucking busy if he's gotta kill every asshole in Haddonfield. 

B: Do not disgrace these old fucking retro jukebox songs with your terrible movie. 

M: Corey also kills his assistant, Darcy the mail girl. Also this kill is hilarious and they had to realize it looked fucking stupid and silly. No points for that shit.

I apologize but words could not do this justice.

B: The rest of the movie is not silly. Tone? Never heard of her. Allyson magically shows up right where she needs to be, in the town's one diner waiting for Corey but he stood her up to do murders. 

M: Laurie keeps calling because I guess that's building tension or something but not really because we already know Corey's gonna go after Laurie. I'm too sober for this. Laurie, however, went to the school of 'already lived through like seven Halloween movies' and she's not dumb.

B: She's gonna mope around her house and they're gonna set it up like she's gonna commit aliven't. Commit gun-head. As they say in Roblox, go commit stop living. But it was just a ploy?? I don't get it, why does she do this?

M: Because, like Michael has an evil virus, Laurie appears to have some sort of precognitive ability of her own when it comes to evil, and she knows what's about to go down. Also to fake out the audience. As if we really believed she would just off herself in the finale. 

B: She doesn't need to fake out Michael.

M: Michael who? She's faking out Corey. Michael has no part in this movie. 

B: She didn't really need to fake out Corey. She shoots him and he falls off the railing. 

M: What's the opposite of foreshadowing?

B: Dumb. 

M: She empties the gun for no real reason and then says LET'S GO BITCH to the dying Corey.

B: He makes ugly cry face, realizes Allyson is back and then pulls a 5000 IQ move. He is playing 5d chess. He stabs himself in the throat and then Laurie pulls the knife out just in time for Allyson to walk in and see her standing over the corpse of her boyfriend!

Oopsie daisy.

M: Laurie doesn't even try to explain herself. Also this is bullshit. Why did we spend the entire movie building him up and Michael's fucking successor only to have him OFF HIMSELF at the end of the movie just to one up Laurie?!??!

B: Corey deserved better. As I've said, Tumblr's manic pixie dream boy had the whole movie building him up just to give him such an ungraceful ending. I was banking on him sacrificing himself just to save someone else, probably Allyson. And that would ahve been a fitting fucking tumblr fucking meow meow ballering ending for him so everyone could be like OH NOES HE WAS A GOOD BOY ALL ALONG but no...they just end him. They just put him down.

M: Y’know maybe we souldn’t have spent all that time talking about how autistic he is and then constantly referred to him as a shelter animal. 

B: I'm allowed to make these jokes. When a bunny calls another bunny cute, that's okay. 

M: Allyson does not at all suspect foul play, she's just like oh god grandmother killed my boy. She doesn't call the cops or anything she just goes outside. 

B: And disappears from the movie for a little bit. 

M: And now Laurie is sitting there like oh bum. But again, her Laurie senses are tingling because suddenly FUCKING MICHAEL MYERS IS HERE and he wants his mask and his goddamn knife back but Corey has to be like HAH FAKE DEATH TROPE only to have Michael break his neck.

B: Why did they even have him come back to life if they were just gonna have Michael kill him? Because Mike doesn't need him anymore? Or he's angry that Corey betrayed him or whatever?

Godnight swet prins

M: We've never been given any indication that Michael has feelings. Let alone betrayal. He's just a shell full of evil. But anyway he's here and now we're gonna have the uh....climactic showdown?? 

B: Why did the cops call Allyson?? Why didn't they just go to the house where Laurie called???

M: This time Laurie doesn't have a house full of traps this time, but she does have....uh.....um....big kicks. 

B: Michael spent four years living in a sewer just to lull Laurie into a false sense of security. 

M: Not only does our boy know how to drive cars, he also knows how to use a garbage disposal. Also....again...this is not the feeble old man who got his ass kicked by a 25 year old twink. This is STRONK Michael, he is kicking Laurie's ass all over the place. Is he fucking old and sick or strong and unkillable??? 

B: Also why did they set up the whole Michael virus thing and him passing off his virus to Corey if they were just gonna kill off Corey? Also Laurie pins Michael to the table and stabs him a lot, pinning him to the table and she monologues again. 

M: And takes his mask off and now he's all old and sad and feeble again. Maybe the mask is the source of his power? 

B: Of all the confrontations these two have had over the course of the series, this is honestly the least climactic one. 

M: But then we get a montage of more climactic confrontations.

Maybe it’s supposed to be like...their lives flashing before their eyes or something?

B: Allyson just runs back in from nowhere and breaks Michael's arm and also apparently when Michael chokes people, they have flashback montages. Little known power of his. But fucking......but all of the sudden, because of that PHONE call I guess...Allyson has another 180 and is like Oh my god you were right, Corey is evil and I believe you and I was wrong and I'm gonna help you kill Michael. But WHY!??!? For what reason??? 

M: They filet Michael like a pig, making sure all his major arteries are compromised because it's not like the 90000 other ways they tried to kill him worked. The cops show up and they're like OH SHIT THAT'S MICHAEL and ignores the other dead guy on the floor because yanno. The soundtrack is good, but c'mon. 

B: I have a theory. 

M: Okay.

B: They wrote the ending first, then realized they had written the entire movie about Corey and then killed him off because they realized it didn't fit in the movie. They tie Michael to the roof of Laurie's car and have a huge Michael procession of the entire town to the junkyard. 

Dib: How does nobody record this and upload this to LiveLeak?

M: *laughs* Nobody's gonna tell because it's Michael. But tbh this would never happen. Laurie was writing a fucking book about it. Suddenly everyone in Haddonfield is here. 

B: An entire town of deplorable humans. 

M: This entire movie is so terribly lit btw. It's so dull. 

B: They crowdsurf Michael's body to the garbage grinder or junk grinder or whatever. Industrial shredder. 

M: If he's infected, his blood is getting on EVERYONE right now. 

B: This is my favorite scene in the whole movie. 

M: Laurie, standing triumphantly on top of the grinder, rolls Michael into the shredder and they grind him like so much fucking sausage. 

The SFX in this movie are like...really good.

B: How many millions of dollars did they spend on this movie? How many bags of PopRocks could you have bought with all that money and THIS was the best y’all could do? And then Allyson is like hey you were right about Corey this whole time WHAT???

M: Her and Laurie are all good now and Michael is definitely 100 percent completely dead this time. Super dead. He has been killed dead and Allyson moves away and moves on and Laurie writes her book but she leaves it open for a sequel. Please let it die. 

B: We get a footnote where she and Frank have a little mo' where he brings her veggies so we can remember their budding romance. 

M: I just wish like...any other movie had been made. This was so anticlimactic. Michael is barely even in it. Laurie is reduced to just...a whimpering mess, Allyson is whatever they want her to be in the moment, Corey is...pointless and yet the entire movie surrounds HIM. This is the antithesis of what I, and a lot of other people, wanted from a finale, but here we are. 

B: I adore this movie. It is terrible, it's an absolute trainwreck of a film that makes no sense and goes off the rails so many times you're left wondering if there ever were rails to begin with. It's is full of obvious 'cute-murder-boy sexyman-bait uwu' moments, but hell, I'll bite. It is a perfect storm of garbage, like a tornado in a landfill.

In our Halloween movie tier list, I made mention of Michael Myers being sort of a metaphor for the Halloween franchise as a whole, and honestly I think Halloween Ends is the best setting for this metaphor:  creature once powerful and feared has become old, embattled, and toothless, and barely able to claw out any relevancy in its own context. It tries to come back for a thrilling final showdown to prove it is still as strong as it once was, but ultimately proves to be a pushover and ends up getting shredded like the garbage it is. In many ways, Michael Myers is Halloween. And the fact that Corey Cunningham is the one thing from this movie everyone is hyperfixating on really proves that Halloween isn't even really relevant to Halloween anymore. But for all my words, I think this movie itself delivers the most poignant and quite possibly the most important message about the Halloween franchise that there could be, in the form of an unambiguous two-word poem: Halloween Ends.

Is it the ending we wanted? Hell no. But it’s probably the one we deserved.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - HELLRAISER (2022)

IMDB BLURB: A take on Clive Barker's 1987 horror classic where a young woman struggling with addiction comes into possession of an ancient puzzle box, unaware that its purpose is to summon the Cenobites.

WARNINGS: Gore, sex, butts, flesh suits, drug use, addiction themes, and general Clive Barker levels of weirdness. GIFs under the cut contain gore-type stuff

RATING: HAWT.

Munch: I've already seen this twice. I would happily see it six more times. And I might.

Biscuits: We have already both seen this, we watched it together but we're gonna watch it again for Munchflix and pretend we haven't seen it.

M: And Biscuits is gonna play with slime and combat his crippling margarita addiction.

B: I'm not an alchoholic.

M: Denial is the first stage. We open in Belgrade, Serbia. I don't know why.

B: I don't know what Serbia has to do with it. There's a lady picking up a mysterious package from a random guy. She's shopping on behalf of Mr. Voight. And then we're at some weird party which is being put on by Mr. Voight.

M: And then there's this hunky twink guy. I think he's possibly a sex worker. There's some people just fucking in the corner. He comes and talks to the mystery woman from earlier, we can't tell if he's just really into cougars or just really out of place at the party. They establish that Mr. Voight would be really happy to meet this guy.

B: He's into twinks, apparently.

M: Or murder! Probably murder, this IS a Hellraiser movie.

B: And if you DO drugs, you go to hell before you die.

M: The twink gets access to the super secret puzzle box vault and we see the Lament, which is fucking BITCHIN' in this movie. It has so many cool ass phases and for once, c-gen is on my side, even though most of the effects on the box look practical. I'd love to know which it is. Either way, I love it. It's really cool to see the box get to do something more than just rotate once and then shoot out cheesy electricity.

Fun box, oh fun box, small and square and dark.

B: The Twink is like hey this is a really cool puzzle box thing you have, mind if I tinker with it? The Twink is like - hey if I solve it do I get a prize? and rich guy is like, I do! And this sets off NO red flags for this twink guy. He gets stabbed. UH OH.

M: Well that's what he gets for playing with demonic puzzle boxes in basement of a rich weirdo's mansion. I mean...the warning signs were here. Now he's going on a magical drug trip and the box is reconfiguring, and oopsie daisy...there's chains coming out of a hell place.

B: Is it inappropriate to put Fleetwood Mac's The Chain on a hellraiser playlist?

M: I'm not sure there are like...a lot of appropriate songs to put on a hellraiser playlist, but I put Rub Some Bacon on It on a Hannibal playlist so...I might not be the right person to ask.

B: He should've just rubbed some bacon on the Lament.

M: I wonder what would happen if you just like....used fake blood on it. Like stab a pig with the Lament. Would the Cenobites be like super pissed or just like, well - gotta take this pig to Hell!

B: *makes a margarita anyway* so Voight is praying to what we assume is the cenobite god, Leviathan, while the twink slowly perishes in the background and OH SEX.

M: This line kills me though...How's my speed? Is it good? WHO ASKS THAT DURING SEX? So we're introduced to Riley and her boyfriend Trevor who we kept calling Tim. And her brother and his boyfriend and their nondescript roommate.

Note: Munch specifically requested that I not make a gif of him saying this line, so I took a screenshot of it instead :)

B: Her roommate...exists. And there's Colin - fuck, Colin is such a gay name. Might as well have named him Sebastian. Or Preston. Francis. I can say this because I'm gay.

M: Okay but Colin is a mensch, he deserves better than what he gets but no spoilers.

B: Riley's overprotective brother Matt doesn't like Trevorimothy, because he seems like a junkie dude and Riley is a recovering addict.

M: These two obviously have a very healthy relationship. Riley blames everyone for her problems and Matt is a controlling douche so...

B: But Matt is right. No spoilers though. Timmy is bad. So Riley goes to hang out with her shitty boyfriend Tyler but he has an IDEA. They're gonna go steal a thing. And make lots of money. He knows of an abandoned storage unit that has a billionaires shit in it.

M: This is not at all suspicious. This part of the movie really confused me. It will make sense later but right now it's like, why did they ever think this was cool.

B: This guy looks like Chris Evans if they turned the Chris Evans slider down to like...50 percent.

M: *laughs* You right...you right.

50% opacity Chris Evans

B: Riley looks SO much like this girl I went to high school with, it's bugging me out.

M: Riley immediately abandons sobriety and starts boozing it up right before they go break into this storage unit, because that's a stunningly good idea.

B: The first step of a good heist is getting shitfaced.

M: So inside the storage unit, there is a single storage container. Which contains a single tiny vault, and inside that vault there's a BOX and inside that box there's another box but it's THE box. And again, none of this seems at all weird to Riley.

B: As the old saying goes, that's a bit sussy.

M: So hey here's the Lament, and we're gonna just take this. I'm sure it's worth something. It does have this like vantablack spot on it that I love because it just looks like a portal to nothing.

B: Matt and....Colin, are laying in bed, tits out, reading poetry to each other. This is what gay men do. They lay in bed and read Byron. But Riley is back.

M: And Matt is NOT gonna let this go. He's gotta go out there and yell at her. She's obviously drunk and lying about it but there's gonna be a fight.

B: Shitty apartment? This doesn't seem like that shitty of apartment! There's five bedrooms, Riley! But he's like, I don't care that you broke your elbow, and he kicks her out.

M: Colin is like, no don't go but Riley is outskie. She's gonna go make some BAD DECISIONS, that are gonna involve beating up her car, taking drugs and messing with a hellbox.

B: It looks like she walked like...a block away. She walked down the street to her car. Get out of my house! Okay fine! *walks down the street* She finds her secret stash of pills and pours them on the street and then is like, no wait I want my drugs.

M: Way better to be high while you're summoning demons, right? She downs three pills of unknown substance and goes and sits in the kiddie park a block away from her apartment to be all high and solve the Lament.

B: Ooh, the parts move. It's a puzzle! At least in this movie it does stuff.

M: I'm obsessed with this thing. Riley worries that she broke it but then immediately twists it up again. A blade pops out but somehow she avoids getting cut by it. This is gonna make some cenobites very unhappy. And then whoooooo the drugs kick in. For the record, if you haven't taken something in a long time, like say percocet, and then you pound three at once, you're gonna get high as shit. And not in a fun way.

B: And then pinhead is here and is like - that was your blade. This is my blade! It was meant for me! And then they literally open a hole into Riley.

M: I actually thought this was really cool. Basically turning her into a human Lament.

B: And the chains shoot out and grab Matt but nah, he's okay. Then he's like I gotta go find my sister. I don't gotta call her, she's only a block away from the house.

M: She literally is! Her car's right there! Oh shit there she is on the merry go round! That was easy. He grabs the box and accidentally stabs himself.

B: I don't know how he didn't notice the giant blade sticking out of it. Then he's like - I gotta go wash my hand right now in this stank ass bathroom. Oh yeah the box like, absorbs the blood in this one and then it starts moving on it's own.

M: We will later learn it is reconfiguring itself for a reason, because there's like 7 levels you gotta get through to get the cracker jack prize but no spoilers.

B: Oh yeah there's blood coming up out of the drain like that scene in IT, and then whoops! Hell.

M: Matt is seeing walls move around and Riley's still too stoned to know wtf is going on and then Matt SCRAEM. But she runs into the bathroom and he's gone.

B: The cops come and are like - you're high as fuck on drugs. Nothing seems out of the ordinary tho. Riley's like - oh, I know nothing. I was dead at the time. Leave me alone. Also hey there's my puzzle box.

M: Colin and roommate....Nora? Laura? Who knows. Anyway, they really wanna know where the fuck Matt is but Riley is telling them about hallucinatory monsters and bleeding hands and he went into the bathroom and just disappeared!

B: No spoilers but the roommate chick isn't that important to the movie.

M: Riley makes another good decision to run away to Treve's apartment but he's showering all sexy like so it's time for some more banging!

B: She's like no we must have sex immediately. She didn't even bring her stuff in.

M: Timbo is wildly unconcerned about his speed this time but it's moot because she's seeing cenobites.

Chatterer likes to watch

B: The one hallucination in this movie, but at least there's NO DETECTIVES.

M: I would not have loved this movie so much if there were detectives. I don't care if they were the coolest most well written detectives in the world.

B: Riley is like - hey check out this box we stole and Timmy is like - OH FUCK NO because he's a bad guy but no spoilers.

M: So they decide they gotta go figure out things about the box so they go this like hospice place to talk to Serena, the cougar from the beginning who got the box for Voight.

B: She's got cancer now or something now? We don't know why. They're like - we'd like to talk to you about our lord and saviour jesus christ.

M: But not really, they found a box and they'd like information, now! Too bad they're not detectives, they could be sitting this woman at a metal table with a single lamp playing good cop bad cop. It'd be epic. Best hellraiser movie ever.

B: But Serena does kinda know because she worked for Voight and she's like - no that box is pure evil. Trombo is being super rational right now and being like - Riley no we should really not be getting mixed up in all this box shit but Riley does not care.

This shot of the box moving inside the bag is pretty cool though.

M: Serena is harbinging really hard right now, telling them all about Voight seeing things and doing some evil shit. And then Serena is like - hey I'm just gonna take this hellbox because it's bad but then they fight over it and it gets turned again.

B: And then Serena gets stabbed which means she's gonna get dragged to hell now because that's how it works.

M: I actually have so many questions about how it works. Getting stabbed just sentences you to hell no matter what kind of person you were? There's no nothing, just helldeathpain forever because you got a cut? That's kinda fucked up.

B: I mean, the rules were pretty loose in the other films.

M: They never really do explain it very well in any of the mythos tbh. Draw your own conclusions. Meanwhile! Serena is about to have a very bad time because in this movie, getting stabbed means you goin' to hell. Riley and Tilda have fucked off to do..something else. And we get our first FUCKING TERRIFYING LOOK at the cenobites. This wheezing motherfucker is so scary to me. This death rattle noise and the exposed lungs, oh my god.

Nice lungs!

B: But the rotating torture pillar is back. And more cenobites!

M: I love that they are still very bondagey but they're literally clothed in flesh, it's honestly just the neatest thing to me. I love the look of the new ones.

B: She's looking up information about Mr. Voight on a search engine that looks like google but totally is not and she finds out that he disappeared under mysteeeeeeeeeerious circumstances, because of course he did. And a picture of his freaky millionaire house. Trevor is outside having a uh...phone call.

M: Apparently Voight was kinda kinky too, but we're not really surprised to hear that. Serena has also mysteriously disappeared.

B: It's been a minute since I had alchohol! When we did hellraiser revelations I was so drunk. Riley has deduced that the box is up to something. Colin is calling! Colin's callin. *snort laugh* Nobody appreciates my dad jokes. Colin is like Riley come back but she's not gonna because she's a woman on a mission and that mission is to uh....uh...do some shit with this box.

M: She accuses Trimothy of not believing her but he does, and he really does because he's fucking sus, and I'm kinda mad because I was rooting for him the whole movie. He's like the only dude who makes any sense in this movie.

B: Riley naturally drives all the way out to this crazy kinky ass millionaires sex mansion because that's a good idea.

M: She's made only good decisions this entire movie. I get that there's some allegories here about addiction but also, this box is obviously bad news and this millionaire guy was also obviously bad news. Riley just happens to find the one tiny window into this creepy lament configuration looking metal maze around the entire mansion. Natch.

B: *back with another margarita* what's happening?

M: *dies laughing*

B: She got into the mansion, okay. We got the house in a cage, we don't want it to get away.

Despite all its rage, it is still just a house in a cage.

M: Gotta keep my sex dungeon safe. Riley does what anybody in a horror movie would do and immediately just starts messing with shit. What does this switch do??? What does this one do??? Oh that one opens and closes weird doors. This one opens the skylight to Leviathan, god of Hell! Nifty.

B: Now she can unlock the front door. For reasons. She's gonna be like, yo Travis you gotta come see this shit. Oh yeah and she finds his creepy study which is totally intact and full of weird drawings of cenobites and tons of information just laying out about the box and hell for her to find.

M: Serena cleaned out his estate but not very well, apparently. We learn that Voight is well aware of the cenobites and box and all the configurations of the box. Each level represents a favor of some sort that can be curried from Hell if you get it throught all six configurations but no spoilers. I'd really love to see what all of these looked like.

B: And then she sees her dead brother but I guess she doesn't really know he's dead. He's just disappeared.

M: But it's not at all weird that he would also just be hanging out in the rich weirdo's mansion, but apparently he's missing some flesh and she's like OSHIT but then Colin and Troy and Roommate have all showed up.

B: How convenient. Riley is not leaving though, and Colin's gonna give her a pep talk. Riley wtf are you doing running off and running around abandoned mansions? Oh and Tony and ...N..ora are gonna go fuck around for a minute but this is actually important.

M: We know this movie is kinda slow, but believe me, the payoff at the end is fucking amazing. Stay with it.

B: Stuff happens. Trust us. Colin notices that Voight has a fuck dungeon. That's not really relevant. Now Nora is gonna do what people in a horror movie do and just press all these random weird switches! What could possibly go wrong! While Todd is drinking in the bathroom.

M: Nora opens a secret passage, because of course he has that. Colin is getting a quick overview of the lore.

B: The box offers a reward to whoever finishes it. Life, knowledge, love, sensation, resurrection, power. Long ago the six nations lived together in harmony....

What’s your pleasure, sir?

M: I'd really love to know like...what any of these are. Is knowledge just like infinite knowledge of pain? Is life just like eternal suffering? Wtf does resurrection do?

B: Who knows but if you have the final configuration the cenobites are like - what you want fam? And you're like uh....McDonalds. What if the guy...he...like..uh...

M: You good?

B: I was trying to come up with a joke. Riley was like - hey maybe the box can resurrect Matt - and Colin should have been like - wait, Matt's dead? Nora is trapped in the creepy secret tunnel and Taylor is like wtf. Nora's just like - hey just flip those random switches until it opens up again.

M: Again with the really good decisions. Riley has LOST THE BOX. That's probably bad. Someone else has it. It's Veidt. I meant Voight. He stabs Nora in the back with the box, and again I have some questions about how this box thing works. Who is it working for? Voight? Riley?

B: I think it's just working. I don't think it cares who gets stabbed and who's doing the stabbing, it's just like BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD. Everyone is like Nora are you okay and she's like NO I GOT STABBED. Colin pulls it out and now she's bleeding profusely because that's what happens.

M: Nora is like - there's a man in the walls btw, but they gotta get her to the hopstita. Riley of course, grabs the box. Because i'm sure it'll be helpful. Everyone piles into Tate's van and they get going. But not really. Because portals are opening behind and in front of them and suddenly the road is going nowhere because that's how Hell do.

B: They don't know where they're going, or they do but it doesn't matter. Meanwhile, Nora is fucking dying.

M: I love this elongated shot effect to show that the doors to the other realm or whatever are opening. It's very effective for an old trick. Nora is suddenly very alone and not in the van. Oh and there's cenobites. MY BOY.

B: Lookit this dude. It's the teeth chattering guy from Hellraiser. The most overrated cenobite ever.

M: You're gonna get some hate for that.

B: He's overrated as fuck. They had to put him in like every movie. But also, the other cenobite everyone knows. That one with the pins in their head.

M: Excuse you, her name is HELL PRIEST. Also she is cool as fuck. She looks amazing. Girl, your glow up. I really enjoy the changes, they're much like the book versions. Pinhead is playing this girl's throat like an instrument by sticking her head pins in there and making Nora scream, which is really fucked up and also very cool.

B: Oh yeah, blood, and then Pinhead looks directly at Riley in the mirror and then Nora's entire back falls off, all of it, just blech. And now Nora's gone, she exploded into blood in the back of the van. How you gonna explain this to the police??? Why is all her blood in the back of your car? Uh...we don't know.

M: Riley blames herself but Ted is like, listen this is not the most pressing issue right now. Maybe we should go back to the house, because otherwise it's the wilderness or the endless road. Colin and Terrance are getting into an argument while Riley just runs off and is like HEY FUCK THIS BOX I'M GONNA THROW IT.

B: Pinhead's like, no don't. Also have you given any thought to resurrecting your brother? Who we killed. Because we could do that.

M: Just kill two more people and we'll totally give your brother back, it's cool. But Riley is like no that's bad so Pinhead makes the box stab her so now she's gotta or she's gonna go to hell.

B: Sacrifice some more bitches or it's you! We're super short on bitches down here. Not enough motherfuckers. Also you've got two homies left right here!

M: I do feel for Colin, he really just like got dragged into all this shit and now everyone is dead and Riley might be coming to kill him. Also the earth just opened up and the 10 foot tall Chattery boy is now after them so they HAVE to run to the mansion and Colin is busy failing his wisdom save.

He’s one hell of a unit.

B: Meanwhile the chatterer dude is pinning Tanner and Riley behind a gate and Riley is like, well I could kill Tanner but she stabs the chatterer instead.

M: I love Pinhead's tiny tiny malicious smile there. This surprised the hell out of me. So it's goodbye chatterer because apparently it really doesn't matter who you are as long as you get stabbed. Meanwhile the box is assuming it's second to last form.

B: Colin is like WTF DO WE DO NOW. Also Tucker got his arm half bit off so he's kinda bleeding out all over now. Colin at least has the wherewithall to close the door.

M: The cenobites cannot pass through the magical bronze gate things in and around the fuck mansion for some reason. I don't know why, they're magical beings.

B: Magical anti cenobite properties. They tourniquet him to stop the bleeding, and we've talked at length about the dangers of those things. Riley conveniently finds very strong drugs right next to where Trent is bleeding to death but she's gonna let Colin hold on to them. Seems like it should be a Chekov's gun but it's not. MA THERE'S A WEIRD LOOKIN' CENOBITE OUTSIDE.

M: Blink, motherfucker. Some of them don't even have eyeballs, I mean....but they are just standing there....menacingly. Outside the mansion. Waiting for...something. Riley is gonna come up with a plan. Plans are neat.

B: Oh but here's the part where we get the plot twist, Travis was actually a BAD GUY! Voight is here and he's got some weird ass device going through him. Just straight through him.

M: On my first viewing, I was like that is hokey as FUCK but then we find out it's literally playing his nerves like a music box and that's honestly hardcore as hell.

B: All you had to do was follow the plan! You gotta do the box thing for reasons, Toby, you should have opened it yourself. The point here is that Theo was siding with the bad guy all along so now we can't root for him anymore.

M: He did kinda orchestrate this whole thing and put like, tons of people in danger and get a lot of people killed. Riley is just like - well it worked on Chatterer so we're just gonna stab more cenobites with it. But first we gotta figure out how to let only of them inside the mansion so we can stab it. Riley and Colin still don't know that Tyson is bad and he's sitting there on the floor bleeding to death.

B: I don't know why he's sitting on the floor, it's his arm that's injured. So they're literally just gonna open the front doors and Terry is gonna flip switches so they can let in just ONE cenobite. Colin's like - this is a bad idea, which probably, yeah, it is.

M: Riley's just gonna walk out there and be like psspsspss, come here cenobite. Come on! Just one of you tho! She tells Pinhead to take her and honestly, SAME. I am down. S tier forever.

B: Oh yeah this guy's arms just FUCKING OPEN UP, they just split in half. Nice, brutal, grody, I like it! But somehow only the gasping dying wheezing cenobite is coming inside.

M: Not at all sus.

B: They definitely don't know it's a trap. We'll just sacrifice this guy, nobody likes him anyway.

M: His breathy asthma noises are just keeping them all awake.

B: It seems very innocuous but then it suddenly breaks it's arms out of it's spine cage and takes off like a Romero zombie, but then it gets caught in the door and it's skin just PEELS OFF. This movie is nasty.

M: It so is and it's glorious. Also Riley dropped the fucking box outside of the door where the wheezing cenobite is caught all bleeding and gross so now Colin has to go get it but someone stabs him! It's Voight.

B: And suddenly Thaddeus is upset with him but Voight is like I don't fucking care. I like how he took the time to go put on a suit jacket. Get all dressed up for his meeting with Leviathan.

M: Riley is like WHAT THE FUCK, TRISTAN YOU USED US AND PEOPLE ARE DEAD and he's like - sorry.

B: Voight's gotta give us some exposition. What happened is obvious? It is NOT obvious, sir. He's like hey I'm rich and I've had like all the experience on the planet so I called up the cenobites and they were like hey so we're gonna put this device right through you to tear up your nerves for eternity.

M: He was seeking pleasure but he KNEW what the cenobites were so honestly...who's really at fault here.

B: You made a deal with the devil. After his entire monologue the configuration finally decided to change.

M: It was just being polite. Also, can I just say, maybe making ANOTHER deal with the devil isn't your brightest idea, eh?? Riley is screaming at Colin, who has been fucking stabbed, to get up and get going and Tyrone is like no stop.

B: All the blood coming out of the box and gravitates towards the weird Leviathan sunroof. I don't know why but it looks cool. Things running up always look cool.

Stuff running upwards always looks sick: known fact.

M: Meanwhile, actual Leviathan is descending on the fuck mansion, and Colin is running away.

B: Go back to your room young man and wait for the cenobites. I don't know what's going on with this mask guy. He doesn't have a head! This other cenobite shows up for like one scene, what's up with that?

M: Pinhead is like, well...guess it's time to go in now. Door's open, oh wait. No it's not.

B: Mister fucking bad guy closed the doors, and cenobites are like vampires apparently, you gotta invite them inside. And Voight is like pretty patties turned my face purple! Also I'm gonna try and hold the cenobites hostage.

M: Seems like a solid plan. Also yelling and cursing at them.

B: Riley manages to squeeze through the gate the wheezing cenobite is stuck in so it must not be closed that hard and she's got the box and she opens the doors which is bad for Voight but also Colin.

M: Exit stage left, pursued by cenobite. The gasp is now here and she's like well I have to kill you because you got stabbed by the box, no hard feelings.

B: She wraps some wire all around him that digs into his flesh, Riley hears him screaming and she's like no don't kill Colin!

M: Voight is trying to bargain with Pinhead to take the nerve device out of him but Pinhead is like, yeah nah. We worked hard on that thing.

B: Cenobites don't accept returns, but they do accept exchanges. No store credit. Like Gamestop, but Fleshstop. This scene has weirdly erotic undertones. Maybe overtones.

M: I don't think they're undertones at all. I think it's pretty intentionally erotic. One of the things I like about this Pinhead, she comes across as little bit more weirdly sexual.

Bark bark bark woof woof... respectfully

B: Riley is like well I gotta stab Tex to save Colin, and she does. Meanwhile Voight is having his device removed. He's throwing up blood and metal bits.

M: It's honestly hardcore. He's got a whole...hole through him but they magically knit him back together and it's a neat effect. It looks practical. Pinhead is like hey about that wish......and a gigantic chain comes down through the sunroof and impales him.

B: Meanwhile fuckin' Trombone is getting kind of flayed alive by the gasp cenobite but he was sus so it's okay.

M: It's no less than he deserves. Voight is getting pulled into the hellosphere and Pinhead finally says the iconic line. I would've loved to see more of the weird leviathan shit. Or just see the milkman show up but nobody's gonna get that reference unless they read the comics.

B: Read the manga, you fool. Riley and Colin are just...gonna leave I guess. Now that my horrific incident of terror is over, how about some breakfast?

M: Oh nah she's got a wish now too because she murdered her boyfriend.

B: I think it's like a bit of genie situation. Bit of a monkey's paw.

M: Ya think??

B: She sees her dead brother again.

M: After everything she's seen tonight, she's gotta be like nah. Just nah. And she does. And Pinhead is like well, your choice. Now you gotta live with the consquences of your actions!

The council will decide your fate.

B: You have selected casual bongos.

M: If I had to listen to casual bongos for eternity that might be hell. So Riley's punishment is just to go on living and be riddled with guilt and feel bad. Which is honestly kind of brutal. Reality is the harshest punishment. Way worse than being flayed alive for an eternity.

B: Riley and Colin do the morning after walk out of the mansion and Colin is like wtf just happened and she's like I made a choice and he's like NO I MEAN LIKE WITH ALL THE FUCKING FLESH MONSTERS AND SHIT HELLO?!?

M: He doesn't really but he should have. And now we see Voight and his penis all sacriligiously laid out inside what I assume is Leviathan getting his skin pulled off and all fucked up because apparently power means you're a cenobite now. I guess it beats the alternative? And Leviathan is just a big glittery diamond thing from inside.

B: His eyes turn into cenobite eyes.

M: Little bit of blasphemy but it's a very cool look. And the movie is over! Yay! I hope they make more. I want to know what some of this other shit does, yo. I want more fucked up flayed cenobites.

B: I want more...Pinhead. More of Jamie Clayton as pinhead. I'm gay but like....it's just an androgynous hell creature, it's fine.

M: Yes. I love that they didn't try to fucking emulate Doug Bradley and just let her do her own thang. It's very similar type of thing, very serious but also a little fucked up.

B: Her appearance is much more similar to the book versions.

M: It's wonderful.

B: I went into this movie thinking, when I saw Pinhead and I saw that they cast a woman as Pinhead, I thought maybe they were going back to the Kirsty Cotton lore but it didn't work out that way. It would've been kinda cool.

M: I actually wish they would've used some of that shit for the movies, ever, where Kirsty and Pinhead have this epic showdown and she becomes the Hell Priest. But instead we got detectives.

B: No detectives in this movie, 10/10. I am interested to see what the other gifts are from the configuration. I wanna see what cenobites think love is. It's not a perfect movie, but compared to some of the other Hellraiser movies, this shit is TOP TIER.

M: It's gory, it's got some twists that I didn't even see coming, it's fun and sexy and I loved it. I do think the cenobites were a wee bit overdone, but I like that they were clothed in flesh and so much of it looked practical. I like the scarification thing and I like the pieces of the lament kind of showed up in their designs.

B: I was kinda sad that they didn't bring back my boy butterball. Gasp was kind of based on the female cenobite but still.

M: That wheezing cenobite tho, ugh. It takes a lot to unnerve me but that thing did it. Still, 10/10, totally fucks.

B: Nonbinary Pinhead can get it.

M: It is here for the taking, baby. I'm gonna end this before it devolves into just us talking about how much we would bang the new Pinhead.

B: They horny for this one!

M: Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

MONSTERFUCKER TIER LIST

Munch: I think we should start with the classics.

Biscuits: That's all you have to say for yourself? I will say that I suggested this as a joke - I will take the blame, but I didn't expect Munch to go along with it. But now we're in too deep. We can't back out. I guess we're doing this. Do you want to delineate your parameters?

M: Yes, but know that I will probably break them. Also, you started this. My brain just wouldn't let go of logistics. 1 - they must be an ADULT.  2 - they must either have multiple iterations or movies.  3 - they must be ICONIC. I think we should start with the obvious - fuckin' Dracula.

B: Well, obviously S Tier, but do we need to expound?

M: I mean, there's been a billion versions, but they're all pretty sexy.

B: Hell, you seen the Coppola movie? Dracula and Johnathan Harker? I'd fuck them both at once.

M: Alright, then, moving on. We'll just go straight for the Wolfman. Or werewolves in general.

B: Obviously also S Tier. I'm not a furry-

M: *laughs*

B: Werewolves are hot. You don't have to be a furry to want to fuck a sexy wolf-man. I will stand by this claim.

M: Ok. *wheezing*

B: Stop laughing!

M: I'm not gonna argue with you. Moving on. Frankenstein.

B: The monster or the man?

M: The monster!

B: Ok. I mean, in the novel, he was quite well-spoken and supposedly attractive. M: Hollywood turned him into the cut-up amalgam with zero braincells.

B: Ok, himbo.

M: Definitely worth a cuddle. I dunno...I'd put that in A Tier.

B: I'll agree. Next?

M: Phantom of the Opera. I mean, depending on the version...

B: You're gonna sit here and try to tell me that you've not wanted to fuck the Phantom of the Opera for the last 25 years?

M: Nope. I'm not. S Tier.

B: Alright. Agreed. Moving on.

M: The Mummy

B: Now this is where things get interesting. He has been dead for like...hella long. I worry about the logistics, 'cause he's like dust. I mean, I seen the Brendan Fraser movie, Imhotep was not bad lookin, before he became a CG dead guy.

M: But we have to assume that it's the dead dusty version.

B: Again, I just think logistically, there's gonna be problems. C Tier? I feel like we have space to go downhill from here.

M: Did you wanna do the Creature From The Black Lagoon?

B: Sure, Guillermo Del Toro proved that it's hip to fuck fish.

M: I don't have any response to that. I'd rather fuck the fish-man from the Shape of Water? But I'd rather not fuck either of them. I would C Tier that shit.

B: You're being generous, C Tiering the fish man. But that just proves that we have lower to descend.

M: Now we're gonna get into the more slasher-y guys. Ok... Michael Myers. He's...just a dude. He's obviously built different, but appearance wise, he's just a dude.

B: I'm just imagining his DBD stun sound. B Tier. I could accept A Tier.

M: Rob Zombie Michael might be A Tier, that dude's a unit.

B: Are we classifying them separately?

M: Nah, let's put him in A Tier. Now, Leatherface

B: Again, there's been a number of versions.

M: I don't wanna fuck any of them! Even if he is just a dude.

B: The only difference is his mask is made of human skin. I don't think it's that bad of an option. If you wanna talk UNITS, remember Gunnar Hansen, who played Leatherface in the original, was like 6'7". BEEG boy. He seems like he could be gentle, if you asked him.

M: *dissociating* The human skin is a factor here.

B: You brought this on yourself. You invoked this. B tier? Ok, I don't think he's that far beneath Michael. Really. But I'll accept B.

M: Uhh...Jason

B: This one is a bit spicier. Jason has been everything from a deformed man to a lube-covered zombie to an evil terminator from the future. On the plus side, an infinite supply of lube from his algae-covered zombie body.

M: And yet...a shocking number of people want to buff this dude.

B: This isn't about a shocking number of people - this is about you and me, bro. M: The fucked-up thing is I'm going to be like, "I wouldn't fuck Jason but I would fuck Godzilla."

B: So I'm a furry, and you're a scaly.

(Dib: And God is...so far away)

B: Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks? Anyways, the point is, how fuckable is Jason Voorhees?

M: I'm gonna put that in C Tier. He's a zombie for too many movies.

B: OK. Fair.

M: Um...Freddy? I mean...he's charming?

B: Does him being a child molester factor in here?

M: Yes.

B: Well, he was only really a child molester in the remake. In the original he was just a murderer. They didn't really take that angle.

M: The remake doesn't count. Child murder still pretty bad though.

B: I hate to break it to you, but there's gonna be a lot of murder here.

M: Also, he's all burnt. And gross.

B: Motherfucker looks like Pizza Hut cheese sticks. Also, the claw might get in the way. Avoid the swipes. C Tier? B Tier?

M: Yeah, C Tier... Pinhead.

B: S Tier.

M: Elaborate on that?

B: No.

M: I agree. Okay, umm...Ghostface?

B: Ghostface is different people in every movie.

M: For the purposes of this, it is just the first incarnations.

B: Ok...but they are both kinda greasy and I don't want to fuck either of them.

M: All love to Matthew Lilliard, but neither do I. So...

B: C Tier. I'd rather not. I like how I have ranked Leatherface above two normal men.

M: Well, we both ranked Pinhead above two normal men too, so... Next we're gonna do my boy Candyman, who is obviously S Tier.

B: OBJECTION - the bees. Yes, he's handsome and all that, but the bees.

M: Get an epi-pen.

B: I suppose I will accept S Tier. Tony Todd is hot and all, but I still have apprehensions about the bees.

M: Umm...Pennywise?

B: Uhh...

M: If you're really into foreheads.

B: I'd rather not. Maybe this will be bad news for my ass. I think...I won't. Sorry, clown fuckers, you can have him. That's the end of discussion.

M: Jigsaw.

B: Well, he's old - not that that's ever stopped me - but he is also kind of dying of cancer.

M: Not to mention he puts people into deathtraps. Can you imagine the after-sex conversation with that guy?

B: It'd be interesting. I think the whole 'literally dying' thing might cause some problems, so...

M: C Tier?

B: Yeah, I mean, over Pennywise, definitely. Next?

M: Amanda Young - one of the few female entries on this list.

B: I love Amanda, she's my favorite character in the SAW movies. A bit crazy, but I mean, I'm also not really sexually attracted to women. But you could do a lot worse.

M: Honestly, I think her unconditional devotion to Jigsaw is gonna be the biggest problem here. I mean, I'n not particularly attracted to Shawnee Smith (and I am attracted to women), but...A Tier?

B: Sure, we'll be nice.

M: On that note, let's do the other female one - Sil from Species. Who is kinda verging into the monster territory. She was mostly human though.

B: I mean, Pennywise was also a shape-shifting monster. But he's a clown and Sil just looks like a blond lady most of the time.

M: A naked blond lady.

B: Well, she is really horny. That's kind of her whole thing.

M: And yet - my desire to fuck her is so low. Plus, we couldn't reproduce, so I don't think she'd have any interest in me.

B: Where does that put our lovely lady?

M: B Tier I suppose. Next...Hannibal Lecter?

B: Are we talking the movies or the TV show?

M: I'm gonna say both - separate rankings. They're so different.

B: Well Mads Mikkelsen's Hannibal is obviously top tier. He's also obviously a top, but we haven't been factoring that in thus far. The whole point of the show was that you wanted to fuck him.

M: Uhh, *I* haven't been factoring that in. But I would still put Mads Hannibal in S Tier. Anthony Hopkins Hannibal? I'd rather not. He's kind of greasy and sleazy.

B: Eh...yeah.

M: Norman Bates.

B: S Tier.

M: ...More for you.

B: All love to Anthony Perkins, rest in peace, he was very cute. I mean the whole mom thing...

M: Two words: Mommy issues.

B: How is that worse than bees?!

M: The bees are metaphysical.

B: So are the mommy issues.

M: Okay...so where are you ranking this dude? This sad, pathetic little wet man?

B: Still S Tier.

M: Okay, the Tall Man is still in the humanoid-ish category, though technically he's an alien...I think?

B: You could glean anything from any of those movies? Anyways, the guy bleeds mustard, so god knows what kind of fluids would come out of him during intercourse. I don't really wanna think about it.

M: I'm gonna put that in bad for my ass tier. The jawas might be involved. Alright! Let's do the terminator.

B: Well, there's been a lot of terminators.

M: The first one was pretty fuckable though.

B: Also, an indestructable robot from the future.

M: That's not a deterrent.

B: Ok, fair. S Tier?

M: S Tier. Okay..let's just throw Chucky in there and get it over with.

B: Yeah, this is gonna be bad for my ass. The mere logistics make this already a non-starter.

M: We know he's capable of it.

B: Unfortunately. Those movies really got fuckin weird, didn't they? Voodoo magic I guess.

M: And the Bride of Chucky - what was her name? Tiffany Valentine.

B: Also bottom tier.

M: I've had a crush on Jennifer Tilly forever, but not as a doll.

B: We're not going any further into doll territory. We're ending the conversation here.

M: However, we are going much deeper into monster territory. We're gonna start with the predator. Ok, I have some things to say here. I fucking love the design of this monster. It is so fucking cool. The version from Prey made me very happy, but I have seen some things on my tumblr though after reblogging some gifs of it. THINGS. You know who you are. I will say, before the mask comes off, he's not bad!

B: Just kind of a buff dude with scales. He's got claws, that's fine.

M: The mask comes off and then it's a weird bug alien head that is never coming anywhere near me or my genitals.

B: Predator is obviously a butterface.

M: I can see why you all get excited, but like...how are we reconciling the horrifying bug parts? You all are just down for that?

B: I never said I was down for anything.

M: Also they're kinda hellbent on killing humans, but there was that one Chad Predator in Alien vs Predator with Lance Henriksen. I'd probably fuck that Predator.

B: You've been complaining about predator fuckers but now we can't put that dude that low on the list!

M: As long as he keeps his mask on.

B: Michael Myers and Jason are probably also keeping the masks on.

M: That is a factor though. I'd be more likely to fuck Jason if I couldn't see his face. B tier.

B: I think there's worse options on this list.

M: Xenomorph. Okay so...canonically....in Alien 4.....Ripley fucks a xenomorph. It's not even that graphic. I know there's a lot of people out there who are way into this, I'm not really down that bad.

B: There's some people who wish Alien Vs Predator had just been a porno.

M: Again...it's a fucking cool monster.

B: That sounds like monster fucker talk to me.

M: I can appreciate the design without wanting to fuck it. Also....acid blood....so god knows what's coming out the other parts. It seems just like an all around dangerous situation.

B: Also kind of bloodthirsty alien monster.

M: I'd put that in bad for my ass tier.

B: The xeno doesn't pass the Harkness test. A lot of these don't.

M: The Predator could but we're not talking about that now. That's a whole other tier ranking. Are you in agreement?

B: Yeah, bad for my ass tier.

M: Pyramid head. Is that one word or two? I don't know.

B: He is canonically dummy thicc. Double cheeked up.

M: I think this gets into logistics again though. How would you even manage it with that thing on his head?

B: He really is just a buff dude with a giant thing on his head though. Just lay him down. Can Pyramid head even lay down?

M: See...this is what I mean. Supposing that it's logistically possible, is he fuckable?

B: I think he might also not pass the Harkness test. Does he have an intellect?

M: Why is this suddenly a factor? We never considered that before. Of course, most of them were humanoid or human so....I guess consent is a factor. SO....assuming he's consenting, and assuming it's possible....would you fuck Pyramidhead?

B: Why are you asking ME? Why is this burden on me?

M: Okay fine. I'd probably fuck Pyramid head. B tier.

B: He is conceptually just a buff dude with a pyramid head.

M: Pumpkinhead. Again...fucking cool creature design...I'm not fucking that thing. It is legit terrifying.

B: Kinda gross, not gonna lie. Not really any redeeming qualities.

M: Bad for my ass tier and I feel bad for that because he's very cool but....Okay....The Creeper. We're gonna pretend like the dude who made these isn't the grossest person ever. It's not relevant.

B: That's not what we're dealing with in this particular instance.

M: He's pretty wild. He's got wings, he can regenerate body parts, he's only active once every 23 years or some shit so you'd have to hit that while you could.

B: Well Pennywise is only active like every 27 to 30 years so...

M: I think he's actually more fuckable than Pennywise, but...he also has the gross bug face thing. Also eats people. Lots of people eating going on here. Mostly just looks like a dude in his normal state.

B: Not like insanely fuckable but...C tier?

M: Yeah okay. What's next? We're getting into some really weird shit here. Slenderman. He's been in a couple of films and they were all bad. But he's iconic. Does he pass the Harkness test? Probably not.

B: He's kinda of an amorphous folkloric character. We all know he lives in a mansion in the woods with Jeff the Killer and Eyeless Jack and all those other dudes from your spooky spaghettis.

M: *laughs* Spooky spaghetti??

B: You've never heard that before? Would I fuck Slenderman though? Well, everybody's crazy about a sharp dressed man.

M: He does have those tentacle things.

B: Is that a plus or a minus?

M: For me a minus, but there's also the child murder. Also the static and weird silence during sex would be so strange. Hard pass.

B: I'd rather not.

M: Same. C tier. The Thing, from the movie The Thing. We're gonna have to get into some logistics here.

B: It CAN take a human form, but I think it procreates just by cell division. I don't know if it would even be interested.

M: Procreation is not a factor. Would you knowingly fuck it in human form?

B: No, it scares me.

M: It would probably just eat us. So...no. Bad for my ass. Going even deeper...The Blob. Would also probably just eat you.

B: It's not gonna be that bad for your ass though, it's basically just jelly.

M: It's gonna be bad for every part of you! It's acidic! It dissolves people! And asses!

B: I think it's still gonna be bad for your ass.

M: Nothing really fuckable here though. It doesn't even have a shape. Bottom tier.

B: Okay....Godzilla.

M: S tier. Would absolutely fuck. I would die....but I would die having fucked Godzilla.

B: Why are you into this? This is still gonna be really bad for your ass though.

M: It's a risk i'm willing to take.

B: People are gonna think you're joking and you're not.

M: I'm absolutely not. Are we divided on this?

B: I think we're pretty divided on this. Both tiers at once. We've got some miscellany here. A couple of random ones. Bruce, the shark from Jaws. Reminder, Munch made this list. Anyways, the logistics are just not good. First of all, you're gonna have to get under the shark. You're gonna have to be underwater, holding on for dear life.

M: You suggested the shark. I'm with you on this. Also I don't want to fuck a shark.

B: It's not ideal. Bad for my ass tier.

M: Okay we're gonna give Nosferatu/Count Orlock his own thang. He's a very different version of a vampire. He is not what most would call sexy, but to each their own.

B: He's more fuckable than a shark.

M: Absolutely. There was the Werner Herzog movie that was kind of absurdly horny.

B: He's just a weird looking guy with big teeth.

M: He's fine. I'd B tier that actually, comparatively.

B: The Babadook from the movie, The Babadook. Who, from what I understand, is just kind of a weird goth guy with a big mouth and very long fingers.

M: The illustrated version of him was far more frightening. He did only have the one movie, but he's iconic. Also an LBGTQ icon so....I'd probably hit that. Like Pyramidhead, he's just a manifestation of grief so...

B: Funeral sex!

M: B tier? You could do worse.

B: A tier, he deserves it. Are we gonna do The Nun or just leave it?

M: I think we just leave it. How do we top the Babadook?

B: This whole thing has been about how we're gonna top the Babadook!

M: I feel like this is saying a lot of things about us that probably shouldn't be out there on the internet, but then again, we saw someone make a horny post about Bill Barr. I've seen some things on my feed that make me feel so very normal. So very vanilla.

B: We've seen things that people should have probably thought about before they put them out on the internet, and I write fanfiction. You have to write it out and then hit post. You have time to think about what you're saying.

M: Also, this is a COMEDY SHOW.

B: It's funny. Abs hurt from laughing at own jokes.

M: We're fucking hysterical, and apparently down for fucking some monsters.

B: We're down pretty bad. Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

HELLRAISER TIER LIST

Munch: This is, I say regrettably, my favorite franchise. That being said, my version of my favorite franchise ends abruptly at the fourth installment.

Biscuits: This your boy??? This your man???

M: Yeah...I know.

B: This one took a while because...we had to watch the movies. I wish we hadn't. I wish I had not watched the movies. I will never forgive me for making me watch ALL OF THESE FUCKING MOVIES. Each one took years off my life span. I'd already seen the first four but...

M: They're bad. They're direct to video bad. They're 3 dollar bin at Walmart bad and I still want my money back. 

B: They'd be walk out of the theatre movie bad but you can't because most of them weren't in theaters. They're turn it off and watch some porn bad.

M: That being said...I am a huge Hellraiser fan. I love the lore, I love the mythology. I own the comics, I own the movies, I love Doug Bradley so much. Pinhead is my absolute favorite boi. But alas....we must review this shit. So here we go. PART THE ONE. A woman discovers the newly resurrected, partially formed, body of her brother-in-law. She starts killing for him to revitalize his body so he can escape the demonic beings that are pursuing him after he escaped their sadistic underworld. That's a weird version of things IMDB. 

B: Those are things that certifiably in the first movie, if you've never seen Hellraiser you're probably confused. 

M: The first, arguably the best, our introduction to the cenobites, to Kirsty, to the entire mythology and the Lament Configuration ( the iconic box ). My only gripe is that like so many of the Hellraiser movies, not enough Pinhead. The special effects, for 1987 are off the fucking chain, and they still hold up, honestly. This movie still looks better than most of the shit we watched. S tier shit.

B: The fx are really impressive for the time it was made and the fact that they didn't have much of a budget. You know what I liked about this movie? Stuff happened in it. There was a plot. The cenobites, the Lament, it was part of the plot. It was significant to the story.

M: Well this one was actually made to be a Hellraiser story, unlike six others in this series. PART THE TWO. Kirsty is brought to an institution after the horrible events of Hellraiser (1987), where the occult-obsessive head doctor resurrects Julia and unleashes the Cenobites and their demonic underworld. This one is probably my favorite, ten times more crazy cenobite shit, way more Pinhead.

B: We get to see their weird liminal space hell and Leviathan, the giant rotating space diamond. It's weird and out there, and that's pretty cool. Clive Barker created such a unique impression and aesthetic of Hell. So weird and distinct.

M: It's amazeballs, some more really iconic lines from our boy Pinhead, and nobody but Doug Bradley could say that shit and make it sound cool. We know, we've heard other people try. It's bad. Also S tier.

B: Yup.

M: PART THE THREE. An investigative reporter must send the newly unbound Pinhead and his legions back to Hell. This starts the eternal trend of fucking detective/investigator/reporter nonsense in this series.

B: Like they couldn't think of ANY other plotlines. This movie is balls out, batshit insane. It's hard for me to delineate in words how bizarre this movie is. There's a guy who looks like Hulk Hogan who gets turned into a cenobite who kills people with his telescoping eyeball lens? There's Pinhead in a statue in a nightclub that just happens to be an art museum?? And Pinhead is just like, hey Nightclub guy you should just kill people.

M: It's fantastic. It's just utter chaos from the moment it starts. Pinhead spends half the movie trapped in a statue, he's so great. Sassy and unhinged Pinhead. The main character is some redhead named Joey who does stuff but we don't care because there's a fucking dude shooting cd's out of his cenobite mouth hole. I love this movie. Tons of Pinhead, tons of cenobites, some of the most iconic lines in the series here. S tier as well.

B: That's understandable. I'm willing to put it in A tier, but I like it an S tier amount. I will acknowledge it's not a great film, but it's fun as hell.

M: PART THE FOUR. In the 22nd century, a scientist attempts to right the wrong his ancestor created: the puzzle box that opens the gates of Hell and unleashes Pinhead and his Cenobite legions.

B: I can't lie...this kind of H.R. Giger shit that happened in the 90's...I fucking hate it. It's so fucking visually boring. Alien movies were good but ugh, I watched Event Horizon and it was BORING. This movie falls into that trap and I don't like it. Compared to the other movies in this franchise after this one, this movie is great. It's high cinema.

M: You're entitled to your wrong opinion about Giger and Event Horizon. I love this movie. It's so stupid. Hellraiser in space, c'mon. Most of the movie is about LeMarchand and we don't really care, but Pinhead has some of the BEST lines in the whole series.

B: " Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?" I love how Pinhead is this like, very serious Hell priest but then at the same time is very sassy.

M: Sassy Pinhead is the best Pinhead. Unfortunately after this, everything went straight into ass tier. I'm not willing to S tier this. This is at best B tier. Compared to the rest, this is still like...the best movie.

B: B tier is fair.

M: PART THE FIVE. INFERNO. A shady police detective becomes embroiled in a strange world of murder, sadism and madness after being assigned a murder investigation against a madman known only as "The Engineer". This is the first one where they made an entirely different movie and then slapped Pinhead into it. No really, they did that for like four movies. It's also the second movie that centers around a fucking detective.

B: I feel a visceral hatred for this movie. It is a GRUELING experience. At the beginning, I was like, I'll give this a chance. It's not going so bad, it might be alright. But no, it just drags on. It's so, so fucking boring. You stop caring about this detective like a quarter of the way in. And this is the movie that begins the HORRIBLE, AWFUL, I FUCKING HATE IT trend of having fucked up shit happen and then have it be like OH IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. It was a hallucination or something. That's half the movie, stuff that isn't happening!

M: The original movies had a ton of fucked up shit happening, but it was ACTUALLY HAPPENING. That's part of why it was so insane. This movie is....painful. It is blindingly dull. They bring in the chatterer but he's just a torso. They throw in the wire twins and some like...slenderman motherfucker but it's just the detective.

B: They quit making new cenobites after this, they just recycled the same ones. They got rid of chatterer and butterball and female cenobite, kinda rude tbh. There's barely any cenobites in this.

M: Pinhead is here for like...literally two minutes.

B: It's a four course meal of just Saltines. Bland, dry, and unfufilling. Hell tier. Piss hell tier.

M: Whatever the worst, lowest part of hell is, this movie belongs there. PART THE SIX. A shady businessman attempts to piece together the details of the car crash that killed his wife, rendered him an amnesiac, and left him in possession of a sinister puzzle box that summons monsters.

B: At least this time, he's a shady businessman!

M: There are detectives tho. This movie brings back Kirsty, but like....she's a side character. The movie would have been way more interesting if it was about her. She manipulates her husband into the cenobites hands but WE DON'T GET TO SEE ANY OF THAT. It's all told from her stupid husband's point of view.

B: I remember him throwing up a lamprey but that was the only gross thing. If I wanted to watch a white guy lose his grip on reality I'd just go watch Hannibal. Or go look in the mirror.

M: SELF BURN. This movie is so boring. AND - it does the fucking this didn't really happen bullshit hallucination crap even more than inferno. It's slightly, and I'm measuring this is in millimeters, less boring than Inferno.

B: This one does have a lamprey coming out a man's mouth. It's still bad though. I have a hard time putting this is anything but shit tier as well. If I had to choose between this movie and staring at a blank wall for the same duration, i'd pick the wall, because then I could at least imagine a better Hellraiser movie. Still D tier.

M: I agree. It's awful. And now... PART THE SEVEN. Deader. A journalist uncovers an underground group who can bring back the dead and slowly becomes drawn into their world.

B: The cover for this one also looks like ass, look at that fucking photoshop glow around the cube, now just slap that girl's face on it. Who's more dead?

M: Yet another fucking journalist detective and we don't know what's really happening and what's not.

B: This one actually feels shorter than the other ones. The pacing isn't quite that slow but it's better than the other things. There's one or two visually interesting things. The guy on the train was kinda interesting. The scene where she has the knife in her back is compelling, the stark white of the bathroom and the blood. The scene with the dead girl in the bathroom also has tension. That's more than any of the other shit movies in here.

M: You're gonna give a rank up for not feeling eternal??? It's still awful. It is slightly less awful, the plot is really out there, there are holes you could drive a mack truck through. This one, like the past two though was also just another fucking movie that they threw Pinhead into and called it Hellraiser. Like...why does Lemarchand's ancestor have the ability to raise the dead?

B: It has a bit more merit as a piece of cinema than Inferno, which has nothing. It's like that gold star meme that says - not as bad as you could have been.

M: But can we rank it above hell piss tier? I mean really. We have like two rankings here...the first four, which we can't even compare these to, and then the rest against each other.

B: Compared to the originals, it's not good. It could be C tier, I guess.

M: I'm willing to go along with that, but it's still really really bad. PART THE EIGHT. HELLWORLD. Gamers playing a MMORPG based on the "Hellraiser" films find their lives endangered after being invited to a rave, the host of which intends to show them the truth behind the Cenobite mythos.

B: I'm almost willing to move Deader to C tier after remembering this one. This one is piss hell tier. Plot, that word doesn't apply to this movie.

M: The plot is....shaky...at best. This isn't remotely a Hellraiser movie. This is the WORST offender here.

B: The entire movie only has a Hellraiser themed party until the VERY END when Pinhead shows up for like a cameo and cuts a guy to pieces. It has nothing to do with hellraiser. The plot is a dude who's mad at his dead kid's friends because his son killed himself and he's seeking revenge.

M: It's more like a Saw movie tbh. Henry Cavill is here tho. There's a lot of banging and even more of the fucking this didn't really happen trope and also Pinhead is wearing a neck brace.

B: And at the end it's implied that a ghost used a phone to save his friends? There's nothing at all to do with Hellraiser. You could remove all the hellraiser iconography and it would still be the same movie. You could remove Pinhead and it would be the same movie.

M: Piss hell garbage tier. It's irredeemable.

B: These movies feel like being tortured by the cenobites in real life.

M: PART THE FUCKING NINE REVELATIONS JESUS CHRIST. Imdb won't load the synopsis. We already reviewed this one.

B: Jerma cries a lot, the movie.

M: I hate that I have to elevate this absolute piece of shit in the rankings, but it's at least a Hellraiser movie??? It's at least about Hell???

B: This one at least has some moments that are funny bad and not just bad bad. The unnecessary baby murder.

M: That's funny??

B: It's so hamfisted, it's so edgy, it just becomes comical.

M: This movie was made entirely so that they didn't lose the rights to hellraiser. Clive Barker said - and I quote - "I have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker,it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole"

B: The makeup is so bad. He looks tacky, like if I reached out and touched him, he would be sticky. I don't like sticky airbrushed Pinhead.

M: They also messed up his eyes, it's just weird. This movie is laughably atrocious, but at least it's laughable. You can't even laugh at Inferno. You're too busy pulling your hair out. Regrettably, C tier.

B: It's poopy garbage and I don't like it, but compared to the other fecal matter I've had to review, it's slightly better.

M: PART THE FUCKING TEN OH MY GOD. JUDGEMENT. Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world. Hey guess what? Fucking detectives.

B: This movie is really gross but it just feels way overdone. It loses it's shock value when you're being nasty 24-7. and I would know. A lot of these movies I was like - not nasty enough! This one...maybe build up a little.

M: This is a different kind of nasty tho, like there's barfing. A lot of barfing. And playing in barf. And drooling, and splashing blood on naked chicks and it honestly feels a WEE BIT FETISHY to me.

B: You're talking about Hellraiser, it's always been kinda fetishy.

M: I don't feel like it was Hellraiser fetishy, I feel like it was director fetishy.

B: They blew their load way too early. You can't just come out of the gate swinging like that. It's not as bad as some of the other ones. There's some Hell stuff in it at least.

M: I kinda like the Auditor.

B: I liked the weird butcher guy. The auditor guy is kinda cool but you can tell he can't hardly talk with that makeup on because he can't move his upper lip. I hate all the detective shit. There's no explanation of why this one detective guy went bonkers. I don't like the angel chick, she feel really out of place.

M: The Pinhead is at least better, though I wish they'd never showed the actor without the makeup. He also looks way overdone, like they hit him with some flocking.

B: Way too airbrushed. His lips are kinda blue. Blue lips, pale face, I hate the entire human race.

M: Still...in the grand scheme of things...not the worst. I still can't even go to B tier. I could go C tier.

B: B tier has four, we're not going there. It's still bad and I wouldn't advise that you watch it, but comparatively....it's better.

M: And the bar is SO LOW. Like we got excited that Deader didn't feel six hours long. That's how low the bar is. I will never forgive these people for what they did to my boy, MY BOY! But thank you Doug and Clive for giving me the first four. We are tentatively very excited about the new Hulu version.

B: "Look how they massacred my boy!" - The Godfather, 1972.

[munchflix]

WHY ‘KNOCK KNOCK’ MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME - A WELL-THOUGHT-OUT AND ORGANIZED LIST OF COMPLAINTS (AKA REVIEW) BY BISCUITSANDHORRORSLASH

MAJOR CONTENT WARNING: The following review heavily discusses themes of sexual assault. Reader discretion is advised.

Film is an art form, right? Well, if you disagree, you've probably just had the insufferable experience of watching Knock Knock, a 2015 film directed and partially written by Eli Roth.

"2015?" You might ask, "Why did you write out this whole long-winded review of a movie that came out seven years ago?"

Well, because I have a lot to say about it.

Not long ago here on the Munchflix blog, Munch and I made a tier list of all the movies we'd reviewed. The one we ranked as the worst was a 2018 pseudo-documentary called Demon House, the brainchild (in the loosest sense of the word) of one Zak Bagans. We placed it there not because the movie fails on any front to deliver the basic qualities of a movie - writing, acting, directing, editing, etc. No, while all those things about Demon House most assuredly do suck, the reason I truly hated it was because the film came off as a morally dubious vanity project built on the foundations of exploitation and intentionally trying to deceive its audience.

That was a movie that really, genuinely made me angry - and, for a long time, if you asked me what I thought was the worst movie ever made, I would've said "Demon House". But I have found a movie I think I hate more than that.

Even the trailer for this movie made me mad. This is a movie so unwatchable I could barely even watch it all, even when I was drunk. The first time I tried to watch it all the way through, I had to stop and come back to it later.

This movie is a genuinely harrowing watch for all of the wrong reasons. Now, I don't want to sound like too much of an armchair crusader or anything, but some things make me angry. Sometimes I feel like I have a right to get angry. And at the end of the day, this shit makes me mad.

I do want to say as a disclaimer that this is all my interpretation, and that my takes on this movie and on the portrayal of sexual assault in horror movies (we'll get to that later) in general are most definitely not the end-all be-all. I also do not claim to speak on behalf of victims of sexual assault or abuse and, again, the views and opinions expressed herein are solely my own.

Anyways, I'm still going to eviscerate this movie.

(You may notice that there aren’t any of our usual gifs in this review, and that’s because a. I really didn’t want to have to scan back through this movie to make them and b. what I assume is screen recording protection has made it so I literally can’t capture gifs or even screenshots, so I just made some memes instead.)

To help make my thoughts more linear and digestible and not in any attempt to mimic the success of Jenny Nicholson, I have condensed my deranged ramblings into a numbered list.

Point #1 - The "Plot"

The plot of this movie, summarized succinctly, is as follows:

The story follows Evan Webber (Keanu Reeves), a wholesome family man, who invites two young women seeking shelter into his house. These women then spend a gratuitous amount of screen time violating his personal space despite his obvious disinterest, culminating in them forcing themselves on him. They then go about ruining his house, blackmailing him, and spending the latter part of the movie mostly just torturing and berating him. He survives, though, and is rewarded by being buried alive up to his head in the backyard while they publicize a video of him having sex with one of them (which was against his will, by the way) on social media.

Yep, that's it. That's the plot. Ignoring all the supremely objectionable content therein, take a moment to notice how I was able to summarize the entire film in a short paragraph. I'm not omitting much here. This movie is labeled as a 'thriller', but I think that might be a simple mistake - they obviously meant for this movie's genre to be 'filler'. Most of the things that happen are pretty inane and irrelevant (an accurate parallel to the movie itself); this film could've been about 30 minutes long and honestly it probably would've been way better. Nothing thrilling really happens. Hell, nothing entertaining even happens. The first half an hour is basically one of those workplace PSAs about sexual harassment, except just the uncomfortable parts. There's some gross shit and a lot of stuff that just makes you uncomfortable, but it sure as hell isn't scary or tense and it honestly isn't even engaging. While Eli Roth is known for over-the-top torture porn type movies, there's not even that much gore in this one, just some tasteless shock value shit. Most of the actual action is exceptionally short-lived and there's literally never any sense of suspense. It makes the movie feel even more pointless and vapid than it already is.

Oh, and it's also choked to death by the fucking over-the-top cringy-ass tone of a goddamn Adam Sandler movie and some of the most repulsive acting and dialogue I've ever seen put to film. It has a 'cheap' quality to it that I think might be intentional but really just makes you feel like literally nobody involved in this movie gave even 1% of a shit. This film was released in 2015 but its combination of uncomfortable ignorance, trashy style and crass tone give it the flavor of an early 2000s comedy released at a time when shit like the Scary Movie franchise was still popular. It honestly feels like a time machine to one of the worst eras in cinema.

Ok, that's basically it for the technical aspects and whatnot. Now it's time for the real shit. Much like our film's duo of unbearably unsubtle antagonists, let's do some digging, shall we?

Part #2 - Just Give Me A Reason

Yeah, this movie has rape in it. In fact, it's a two-for-one special: you get two rape scenes! It's a special Black Friday BOGO sale!

What's that you say - why does this movie need to have rape in it?

Well...because.

Now, rape being mishandled in a horror movie is unfortunately nothing new. Many a horror film has thrown in a completely unnecessary rape scene for the sole purpose of shock value - and shock value is something Eli Roth is a known fan of. In my opinion, using such an element in this way is honestly one of the lowest lows a film can stoop to. Doing so only ever serves to trivialize and ultimately commodify a traumatic event into a cheap and shitty way to get a guaranteed reaction. Naturally, I'm not saying that you can't use heavy thematic elements like that in a movie, or even in a horror movie, but it is a very delicate subject matter that needs to be handled with a great deal of tact.

Of course, this movie was directed by Eli Roth, an overrated hack known for making movies that are unbearably trashy and ultimately hollow and derivative. Roth is the kind of person who thinks that if he tortures characters on screen for long enough, his film will automatically become 'scary’. It's honestly no surprise that he handles the concept of rape in this movie about as well as a toddler with butter-covered hands would handle fine china.

However, in this case, I don’t even think the problem is that it’s being used for cheap shock value. I think that this movie is simply genuinely unaware that it’s about rape at all.

For example, the promotional materials for this movie seem to frame it as if it's a story about a man getting some sort of deserved comeuppance for cheating. All the synopses use words like 'seduced', which is a very funny way to spell 'sexually assaulted’. This cheating angle is particularly egregious when the 'cheating' scene in question involves two young women exposing themselves to a man without his consent, groping him and quite literally pushing him into a corner after he repeatedly said he doesn't want to do this, then insisting that it's 'just sex' and he should 'let himself enjoy it'.

I wish I was kidding.

Oh yeah, remember how I said there were two rape scenes? Yup, later on in the movie when Evan wakes up tied to his own bed, one of the girls comes in wearing his daughter's clothes, roleplays as his daughter while going on a bizarre diatribe about him molesting her, and then proceeds to have sex with him while he is being held against his will and physically restrained. That's what they broadcast to the world at the end of the movie.

And let’s not forget that the girls also claim to be 15 in an attempt to blackmail Evan. They spend the last forty minutes of the movie tormenting Evan for being a 'cheater' and a 'pedophile', before revealing at the end that they were adults the whole time.

You really have no idea how much I wish I was kidding.

But this is all important to the plot, right? This movie actually makes a point about all this fucked-up shit, right?

Point 3 - So-Called "Satire"

Spoiler alert: no. This movie is pretty much exactly as ignorant and asinine as you’re worrying it is.

I have seen this movie described as 'black comedy' and 'social satire', and honestly either idea is fucking terrifying to me. The thought that anyone, let alone enough people to make a movie thought that there was anything even remotely comical or satirical going on in this film leaves me baffled.

You might think, though, that maybe this movie secretly is smart, that maybe it actually knows what it's doing. But then you remember it was directed by Eli Roth.

Having seen the film, the idea that it means to somehow mock the idea that a man cannot be victimized by a woman requires a stretch Mr. Fantastic could not manage. If that is indeed supposed to be the point, then I would say the movie does an exceedingly bad job of actually coming to that point. Of course, a movie doesn't necessarily have to have some sort of deep, complex meaning behind it - but if it's supposed to be a satire, then yeah, it kinda is supposed to, y'know, at least have a point?

The idea of Knock Knock being some sort of 'social satire' feels like nothing more than a weak justification for why it should get away with being straight-up gross and offensive. With everything else in this movie having all the subtlety of an explosive plane crash, I have a hard time believing Mr. Roth slipped any sort of surreptitious theme in there. Also, acknowledging Roth's previous body of work makes me doubt his willingness or even ability to create anything genuinely thoughtful.

Saying this movie is a satire of misandry feels like the same thing as calling a prank a 'social experiment' or saying a slur and then trying to claim it was 'just a joke'. Trying to genuinely analyze this movie as if it were 'satire' or 'social commentary' is a grace I just genuinely don’t think this movie is even worthy of. 

If the film is indeed mocking the hypocrisy of gender stereotypes and double standards, then first of all I'm baffled as to why the promotional materials frame it as if it's a story about a man who cheats on his wife. Maybe they thought nobody would actually watch the movie if they thought it was too subversive, so they had to dumb it down a bit.

But the problem is the movie is honestly probably even dumber than it looks. Like, when I said this movie has the tone of an Adam Sandler flick, I meant it. A prime medium for some intelligent social commentary, am I right? The tone of this movie, including its vomit-inducing lack of subtlety (which has come up before and will come up again), would indicate the film isn't taking itself very seriously. After some thought, I do genuinely think parts of this movie were supposed to be funny. This movie acts, throughout its entire runtime, as if it's funny. Like Eli Roth was behind the camera laughing his ass off while his antagonists overacted blunt dialogue about underage sex. Not a single frame of this movie is even remotely humorous.

I know "rape isn't funny" is a pretty toothless criticism, but I don't think it should exactly be a hot take. Maybe that’s just me.

Point 4 - Villains: How They Do and Don’t Work

I'm not gonna lie, the evil girl characters in this movie are the fucking worst.

Now, of course, the women are the villains of this story. We're supposed to root against them. And boy are they two of the most insufferable characters I've ever seen put to film; both these characters are written in such an agonizingly overt way that their actual effect as villains is completely diminished. You go right past hating the characters and straight to hating whoever wrote them. Not to mention both actresses chew the scenery like they're starving to death in every single scene they're in, but especially Lorenza Izzo. I can't even hold that against the girl, though, because I can only imagine the direction she was given was basically 'do that again, but worse'.

But the antagonist role in a story is supposed to serve an important purpose. For this exercise, let's talk about how a villain's motives contribute to a theme (or lack thereof).

These characters' mentality is basically that Eric Andre meme:

But the movie doesn't make any sort of attempt to examine the villains’ motives on anything other than a surface level. Shit, their motivations aren't even clear for the vast majority of the film. The movie never really tries to criticize or even analyze the villains' obviously fucked-up belief system. At worst, these two characters make the film feel very misogynistic as well as misandric. They’re sex-crazed, unrealistically awful simulacra of human beings who are sadistic to the point that they get a kick out of falsely accusing a man of sex crimes and seem to have no real complex thoughts or motivations. Oh yeah, they’re also literally unapologetic rapists.

Why does the movie even take the angle of them trying to frame him for pedophilia? I’m genuinely asking here, 'cause I sincerely cannot think of anything that this element actually contributes to the film other than just being excessively nasty.

Oh yeah, it's Eli Roth. That was probably the entire thought process.

Also - if we're supposed to be rooting against these characters, why are they literally always winning?

The villains basically play out like some sort of mary-sue self-insert ocs because they absolutely can't lose. Any power struggle is usually short-lived and you never genuinely believe for a second that Evan will actually get the upper hand. Kinda defeats the point of making a ‘thriller’ movie.

And, as I mentioned, the villains win in the end! Evan survives, but the gratuitously awful characters we've been rooting against this entire movie receive no consequences for their actions.

Again, I must ask why.

To subvert expectations? Subversion of expectations only works if it's clever. Just doing things because people won't expect it is much the same as putting rape in your movie just because it will shock people. If the bad guys never get punished or even questioned, then the movie might as well be on the villains' side. I'm not convinced that it isn't.

If the thesis of this movie is 'wow women can be horrible and abusive people too!', then it gets that message across basically as soon as these two cunts show up on screen; the rest of the movie is completely unnecessary. Also, despite what Eli Roth may think, he’s not the first person on the planet to come up with this incredibly intelligent and in-depth take.

Oh yeah, and also, there don’t really need to be two of them. There’s no contrast or interesting dynamic between these two because they’re basically just clones of the same character, and Ana de Armas is honestly barely there for the latter half of the movie. It’s almost as if the only reason there are two of them is that someone involved thought it was unrealistic for a single woman to be able to overpower a man on her own.

Point 4.5 - Metaphors: How They Do and Don’t Work

Some dialogue could be interpreted in a way that would make the villains a sort of metaphor for the way society treats male victims of sexual assault. Of course, I doubt this metaphor was actually intentional - partially because the movie seems to moreso imply that it's about Evan being unfairly judged for his sexual appetites, and partially because it’s so fleeting and inconsistent it basically has no effect. It’s only really plausible for two scenes.

In one scene, a friend of Evan's named Louis comes over while Evan is being held hostage in the house, and he ends up dying when he trips trying to get his inhaler back from the two rapists. Evan begs them to help him but the girls crassly say it was 'his fault' because he tripped. This could be seen as an allegory for victims being blamed for their own assault, but the scene is so disjointed it honestly feels like most of it was edited in after the fact or some shit. It's also immediately preceded by Louis bizarrely declaring, 'I'm from Oakland, ho! I know two ghetto-ass hoes when I see em', in a joke that is both unfunny and vaguely racist. Oh yeah, it also completely ruins the tone of what is maybe supposed to be a meaningful scene.

That possible attempt at a metaphor continues in the next scene with the girls accusing Evan of ruining his family by sleeping with them. But then it gets thrown out the window at the speed of a Randy Johnson fastball when Evan breaks into a nonsensical rant where he yells things like 'you came onto me' and 'you wanted it' at them. He then compares the girls to 'free pizza' showing up at his door and says, 'what was I supposed to do?' 

I can't say enough times that I wish I was kidding.

This is it - the part where Evan finally revolts against the unfair moral inquisition he’s been under, and all it amounts to is him screeching nonsense and slobbering. All of this happens in a scene where Keanu gives 0 shits about acting and he screams 'fuck' so many times I think it's supposed to be funny. And also remember, Evan still thinks these girls are 15 at this point in the movie.

This scene squanders any credit I was willing to give this film. It comes so close, so close to giving this insufferable slough of detritus any sort of meaning, and yet it's still so unimaginably far. A helpless and desperate rape victim yells at his abusers in what should be a deeply painful and emotional moment but instead reads like he's trying to victim-blame himself. Way to go implying your protagonist was somehow culpable in his own rape because he secretly wanted it. It's like free pizza showing up at your door, right? What are you supposed to do?

The dialogue directly shies away from acknowledging the undeniable fact that Evan was raped. They had to have the implication that Evan 'secretly wanted it' come out of his own mouth. But you know what word doesn't come out of Evan's mouth? Yup, the r-word. Evan says 'you fucked me' but the only time this movie uses the word 'rape' is when one of the girls mentions statutory rape while they're trying to convince Evan they're underage.

Oh yeah, and near the very end of the movie, the girls tell Evan 'I thought you would be the one to finally say no' and that 'no matter who they are, they never say no'.

I have never seen a movie so blatantly ignorant of its own premise.

Point 5 - Pizza Cutter

How is a pizza cutter like an Eli Roth movie? They're both all edge and no point.

Okay, I know that joke isn't original. But Mr. Roth sure as hell took his fucking all-edge-and-no-point pizza cutter and flayed this movie into Pizza Hut cheese sticks. (I hope they show up with my free pizza!)

I have never seen a movie more grotesquely devoid of art or meaning than this wretched film. It’s so agonizingly shallow that the deep end of its pool is still no deeper than a puddle in the floor, and the shallow end is the fucking Sahara desert. Eli Roth wouldn’t know art if it broke into his house and groped him uncomfortably for half an hour.

Roth depicts a male protagonist being raped (multiple times), blackmailed, manipulated, victim-blamed, and tortured. But why? He has nothing to say about the subjects. The film is not challenging to anyone's preconceived notions or beliefs. It doesn't present any sort of point or thesis. It just shows these things, but makes no attempt to make the audience actually think about them. The movie never even seems to acknowledge that Evan was raped, which is really fucked up.

It should have been obvious, of course. But, like I said, anyone who came into this movie thinking that men can't be raped is not coming out of this movie thinking any more deeply about that viewpoint, I assure you.

With all the stigma there is towards male victims of sexual assault and abuse, you have to be exceptionally careful when handling the subject, or else you fall into the trap of just feeding into those exact negative perceptions. This movie doesn’t even really try, though. It just does a bunch of misandric shit and then pretends like it's deep because 'people don't usually do that in movies'.

If you put misandry in your movie, but fail to actually say anything about it (or even really address it at all), then all you're doing is just…being misandric.

Point 6 - In Conclusion, And Without A Moment to Spare…

Is Knock Knock secretly a misunderstood subversive masterpiece?

You can probably tell by the title of this review how I would answer that question. No, it's really not.

But part of the reason I hate this movie is because I feel like, in the right hands, it actually could have been a subversive masterpiece. If it just took its own fucking subject matter seriously instead of trying to be some sort of goofy horror comedy, I think it could've been a really interesting and provocative piece. But I genuinely don't think Eli Roth had any sort of intelligent artistic vision for this film. I don't think he cares about men’s rights either; I doubt that a man known for his misogynistic comments and throwing unnecessary homophobia into his movies suddenly decided to give a shit about social issues for this one film. I think he just likes making shitty torture porn movies and lets other people defend his work by using social commentary as an excuse for why it's 'satirical' and 'subversive'.

The worst thing, the absolute worst thing about it, is that this movie is so dull and empty that it probably isn’t even deserving of the ire it has evoked in me. Its ratings are pretty abysmal for a production of its size and it seems that most people have more or less entirely forgotten it exists. In a way, it’s poetic. The worst punishment a movie can receive is to simply be shoved so far back into the collective consciousness that it may as well not even be real.

Also…why did he have to do this to my man Keanu Reeves?

Don't get me wrong, this movie would have been equally as abominable if it had starred literally any other actor, but at least then I would be far less likely to have ever had the displeasure of knowing it exists.

Keanu Reeves does show big daddy milkers tho, 10/10 would watch again 👍

( Footnote: I hate that this frame came from this movie. I hate how goddamn hot Keanu Reeves looks in this film. I swear if I were to summit the cloudy steeps of Mt. Olympus and come face-to-face with Eros himself, he would look like Keanu Reeves in glasses and a cardigan. )

[munchflix]

HALLOWEEN TIER LIST

Munch: It's that time. Time for everything to get SPOOKY. If Christmas gets November and December then it's only right that Halloween starts holding the line in September.  A good time to be a horror fan. And because we gotta at least do the big three, we unfortunately have to do the Halloween series, which has some really really GOOD movies and some just absolutely awful ones. There's not gonna be much in the mid-tier range here. Also I just started a new medication and I'm numb from the brain down so Biscuits is gonna have to pull double duty in remembering shit.

Biscuits: After having re-watched so many of these movies to make this tier list, I can say with absolute certainty that Halloween is definitely one of the horror franchises of all time. The big three have all had their highs and lows, but this series has had basically nothing in-between. The majority of these movies are pretty awful. 

M: PART THE ONE. Fifteen years after murdering his sister on Halloween night 1963, Michael Myers escapes from a mental hospital and returns to the small town of Haddonfield, Illinois to kill again. Arguably one of the best in the franchise, it introduces Michael Myers, it introduces Laurie Strode and the manic Dr. Loomis.

B: The original classic. A film still beloved after all these years. It's got such a distinct vibe and aesthetic about it, and I think that's what people really love the original movies for.

M: It also introduces the iconic music, which is honestly more important for this series than any other.

B: S Tier film. 

M: Oh, absolutely. PART THE TWO. While Dr. Loomis hunts for Michael Myers, a traumatized Laurie is rushed to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital, and The Shape is not far behind her. Idek like what else to add to this. It's literally a direct continuation of the first movie.

B: It does have that one scene with the other guy in the Myers mask who gets hit by a car and explodes and that's the whole scene. Of course, the original does have Michael Myers in a sheet. In this one we learn Laurie was actually Michael's sister the whole time. I honestly probably like it a little better than the first one.

M: Eh.

B: It's still S Tier though.

M: That I agree with. Okay, PART THE THREE: SEASON OF THE WITCH. Kids all over America want Silver Shamrock masks for Halloween. Doctor Daniel Challis seeks to uncover a plot by Silver Shamrock owner Conal Cochran. This one's harder to rank because it's part of the series but doesn't involve any of the characters from the other ones.

B: Happy happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Sil-ver Sham-rock. It is not a bad movie though. It's pretty weird, a guy does literally steal part of Stonehenge. To put into masks to use some evil witch magic to kill a bunch of kids.

M: Maybe he was part of the Cult of Thorn.

B: We haven't even gotten into that yet. So where does this movie rank?

M: A Tier? B Tier?

B: Let's go with B Tier.

M: PART THE FOUR: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS. Ten years after his original massacre, the invalid Michael Myers awakens on Halloween Eve and returns to Haddonfield to kill his seven-year-old niece. Can Dr. Loomis stop him? Anyway, we just watched this, we still have no idea what happens.

B: This one introduces Laurie's supposed daughter, Jamie. Who has a psychic link to Michael I guess? But moreso in the next one. Michael decides he's gonna kill Jamie because Laurie died offscreen. Anyways, this movie is hella boring. Like, really boring.

M: ...

B: See, Munch doesn't even have anything to say about it.

M: I don't know what to say! I just didn't care! It's so boring. D Tier.

B: I would have a hard time arguing.

M: PART THE FIVE: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS. One year after the events of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988), the Shape returns to Haddonfield once again in an attempt to kill his now-mute niece. I hate to rank this above 4, but...

B: It does have that scene where Michael just floats down a river.

M: He also slams his face into a car windshield.

B: It has the worst-looking Myers mask of the series. Dr. Loomis turns into kind of a weirdo in this movie, constantly grabbing and screaming at a child. It seems a bit too abrupt of a character turn.

M: Loomis has never been stable, but this is a whole other level.

B: It's better than 4, but it's still bad.

M: I would say it's still D Tier.

B: It's above 4, but still in the toilet. Oh God...

M: PART THE SIX: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Six years after Michael Myers last terrorized Haddonfield, he returns there in pursuit of his niece, Jamie Lloyd, who has escaped with her newborn child, for which Michael and a mysterious cult have sinister plans.

B: Except that's not even a good synopsis of the movie. Jamie dies in like the first 15 minutes. Most of it is about Paul Rudd for some reason. And some redhead chick who's related to Laurie somehow? And her son has evil visions except...that's not actually that important.

M: And don't forget about the evil druids! They've been here the whole time! Tommy (Paul Rudd) has been studying them. Also, he steals a baby. And renames it Steven.

B: This was Donald Pleasance's last role before he passed away and it is not a graceful one. RIP Donald Pleasance.

M: I'm kind of amazed Paul Rudd got acting roles after this. Shout out to Moustafa Akkad for bankrolling ALL of  these.

B: So, a baby, evil druids, Paul Rudd for some reason. This movie is a fever dream, but not even in a fun way. We haven't climbed our way out of D Tier. In fact, we're only sinking lower.

M: PART THE H20: Laurie Strode, now the dean of a Northern California private school with an assumed name, must battle the Shape one last time, as the life of her own son hangs in the balance. Except it's not the last time. And we've introduced an entirely new canon for the first time.

B: The 'strikes back' of the series. It managed to pull itself out of the dumpster by bringing back Jamie Lee Curtis. I really like this one actually.

M: I do too. I liked seeing Jamie Lee Curtis again.

B: People like Laurie being in the Halloween movies.

M: People also like Mikey being in the Halloween movies, which he barely was for the last three.

B: Ok...is this one A Tier or S Tier?

M: I would put it in A Tier.

B: Ok, we can put it in A Tier. Toy Story 2 was okay! Nobody is going to get that joke :(

M: Nobody ever gets our jokes. Now...PART THE RESSURECTION: Three years after he last terrorized his sister, Michael Myers confronts her again, before traveling to Haddonfield to deal with the cast and crew of a reality show which is being broadcast from his old home.

B: It's funny how it's called 'Resurrection' when this is the one that immediately re-kills the franchise.

M: Busta Rhymes is here!

B: Why? I don't know.

M: I literally don't remember what happened in this movie. Except that Busta Rhymes didn't die and I was mad. Also, Laurie gets killed off in the first five minutes, so she's miss not-appearing-in-this-film.

B: There's like a game show and it's going on in the old Myers house, with a bunch of teenage contestants and Busta Rhymes is hosting it. Except he's not playing himself, he's playing some guy named Freddie. This movie has too much early-00s stank to it. Like, you know what I'm talking about. It does have a scene where Busta Rhymes in a Myers mask yells at Michael and he just walks away. It's kinda funny, but overall, this movie is still D Tier.

M: It sucks warm sick through a short straw. PART THE ROB ZOMBIE: After being committed for 17 years, Michael Myers, now a grown man and still very dangerous, escapes from the mental institution and immediately returns to Haddonfield to find his baby sister, Laurie.

B: I actually don't think this remake was that bad. It's a different take, it has some Rob Zombie trashiness to it, but that's kinda his whole aesthetic. Tyler Mane, the absolute unit, plays Michael. He does a good job of acting with only his eyes, which lends a different quality to Michael. He's a bit more complex and his backstory is explained more.

M: I...judged this movie too harshly. I initially hated that they gave us Michael's backstory, but..it's not that bad. I liked Tyler Mane as Michael, I thoroughly enjoyed McDowell as Dr. Loomis. I mean, it's not a perfect movie, but compared to some of these others, it's not that bad. B or A Tier.

B: I would put it in A Tier, because I did actually enjoy it.

M: PART THE ROB ZOMBIE 2: Laurie Strode struggles to come to terms with her brother Michael's deadly return to Haddonfield, Illinois; meanwhile, Michael prepares for another reunion with his sister. In this one, I will take back every nice thing I said about Rob Zombie.

B: Yeah, the sequel is bad. It's disjointed, they tried to give Laurie a lot more character, but she's mostly annoying and spends all her screen time crying and whimpering.

M: And getting drunk.

B: Michael isn't even in this movie that much.

M: When he is, he's going on a vision quest about his mother. Dr. Loomis did not need to be in this movie.

B: This film could've benefited from some HEAVY editing. It's wayyy too long and filled with stuff that feels like filler.

M: Which is to say nothing of the atrocious ending, with Michael's ghost-mother and ghost-child-self and that weird music video it ends with.

B: Sadly, another one bites the D Tier.

M: Yup. PART THE 2018: Laurie Strode confronts her long-time foe, Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago. I absolutely love this movie; it's my favorite of the series, hands down.

B: I don't like it quite as much. I think JLC is really good but everyone else is kinda just there. Her daughter and granddaughter aren't great actresses and I honestly wish it was just about Laurie. However, for a remake, it could be way worse.

M: I like replacement Dr. Loomis, the other doctor guy they introduced. The soundtrack slaps ass, thank you John Carpenter. However, I would also have preferred it just be about Laurie.

B: I would rank this movie a B or C Tier film. But Munch will not let us go below A Tier.

M: Damn right. PART THE KILLS: Surviving victims of Michael Myers form a vigilante mob and vow to end his reign of terror after they discover that he is still alive. We saw this in the theater.

B: Yep, we did. After 2018, I was expecting at least an okay follow-up. However, this movie is an exercise in idiocy and frustration. It is one of the worst imo. Laurie is barely even in the movie.

M: It's all about Tommy Doyle, and 'evil dies tonight'.

B: Maybe WE WERE THE HALLOWEEN ALL ALONG.

M: It feels like a 2-hour-long trailer for the next movie.

B: That's because it basically is. And yet, we are probably gonna go see the next movie anyways.

M: Yeah, we probably are.

B: Anyway, this movie is also D Tier. I think literally nothing is in C Tier. That's how divisive these movies genuinely are.

M: The other franchises at least had more in-between. With these they're either really good or really bad, there is no in-between.

B: Except maybe three. I'm not sure whether love or hate this franchise. The series retcons it’s entire timeline so many times.  It goes - 1,2,4,5,6 - that’s one timeline. 3, that’s another timeline. 1,2,h20, resurrections - that’s another timeline, Rob Zombie 1 and 2, that’s another timeline. 1, 2018, Kills, that’s ANOTHER timeline. 

M: I love...some of it. The rest of it can die in a trash fire.

B: Much like Michael Myers himself, the franchise keeps dying, but every time, it somehow comes back. I think maybe it should take a lesson from Stephen Kng: sometimes, dead is better.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.....

[munchflix]

FRIDAY THE 13TH TIER LIST

Munch: There's like....12 of these movies. This is gonna be long. And none of them make sense but that's okay because the plot is basically the same for every single movie. Jason shows up and wrecks some bitches and then he "dies" and gets resurrected by some magical means in the next movie, not unlike his counterpart Freddy Krueger. 

Biscuits: I probably know these movies significantly better than Munch, sort of a role reversal of the last one. I'll preface this by saying I like most of the Friday the 13th movies, but are they good cinema? No. But most of them are enjoyably corny. Not all of them.

M: I think they gave up trying to be serious at some point. Maybe we can figure out where. PART THE ONE. A group of camp counselors trying to reopen a summer camp called Crystal Lake, which has a grim past, are stalked by a mysterious killer. But SPOILER ALERT it's not really Jason, it's his ma, Pam.

B: It is kinda boring. The first two are not like insanely bad because this early in the series they were still trying to take the movies seriously. It's probably a mid tier movie. I'd put it in B tier because we're gonna need room for the trash. M: We gotta rank it against ALL the other Friday movies, so I'd put it pretty high. It did have a couple novel things for it's time, the whole killer POV kills were really novel at the time. It did invent a lot of the tropes we now see. I'd go B as well.

B: It did have Kevin Bacon. 

M: PART THE 2. Five years after the events of the first film, a summer camp next to the infamous Camp Crystal Lake is preparing to open, but the legend of Jason is weighing heavy on the proceedings. Jason comes back with a bag on his head but at least he's doing the murdering now. I don't remember what happened in this except how he died. But not really because he's implied to still be alive. This was the one with Crazy Ralph tho!

B: The harbinger! They had that whole mommy roleplay in the end where the main chick pretended to be Jason's mom in order to kill him. The second movie is kinda boring too. C tier? It's not the worst thing ever. It does introduce Jason as the killer.

M: Okay, C tier. PART THE THREE. Jason Voorhees stalks a group of friends who's just arrived to spend the weekend at a cabin near Crystal Lake. All these imdb blurbs are the same. Jason kills people. I have zero recollection of this movie. After reading the synopsis I still barely remember it.

B: It's got the weird guy who wanted to be Franklin from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but wasn't and the who kept playing pranks on people. He was really annoying and they gave him too much screentime. There's also a weird side plot with a biker gang that never comes to fruition. He does get the hockey mask.

M: I've seen every single one of these and this one is leaving the least impression on me so I'll say D tier. PART THE FOUR. After being announced dead and taken to a morgue, Jason Voorhees spontaneously revives, escapes from the hospital, and stalks a group of friends renting a house in the countryside near Crystal Lake. Jason dies for real but not really.

B: This is the one with Tommy who does cool things, and all the weird campers. Also Crispin Glover's incredible dance number.

M: Why is there a skinny dipping scene in like every one of these? Even the remake has one. 

B: They don't need a good movie if they got female presenting nipples.

M: Tommy dresses up as Jason in the end though and then like hacks him in the head.

B: I don't know why so much of the movie follows that one horny guy.

M: They were stretching for plot, okay? Rank?

B: C tier? It's better than three.

M: PART THE FIVE. Still haunted by his past, Tommy Jarvis, who, as a child, killed Jason Voorhees, is sent to a secluded halfway house in the countryside, where the killing of a young man triggers a brutal series of murders in the area. Tommy gets another movie.

B: It's not actually Jason though it's a guy pretending to be Jason who's killing people because it was his son that got killed in the beginning. I actually like this movie, I know a lot of people don't because ooh it's not actually Jason but its high tier.

M: It was one of the better ones, despite it's lack of technical Jason, the plot is fairly cohesive and it actually has a plot unlike most of these. Is it as good as the first one? Better?

B: Better, A or S tier. It also has that really good Psuedo Echo song in it. M: S tier then. PART THE SIX. Tommy Jarvis exhumes Jason Voorhees to cremate his corpse, but inadvertently brings him back to life instead. The newly revived killer seeks revenge, and Tommy may be the only one who can stop him. So this one is amazing, he somehow like leaves a shovel in Jason and lightning strikes it and Jason comes back and Tommy is like 25 now. And the sheriff doesn't believe anything he says even though like 10 people are dead. And then he drags Jason to the bottom of the lake with a boulder and a chain and he's dead but not really.

B: I didn't find this movie very interesting, apparently, because I didn't feel the need to record it in my memory. I've seen all of these movies. I know I have. I remember most of them just not this one.

M: It's still not great though. I'd d tier that shit. I was already tired of the Tommy fuckin' storyline at this point.

B: I guess it's not quite as vividly, explicitly terrible as some of the other ones. C tier.

M: Okay. PART THE SEVEN. Jason Voorhees is accidentally freed from his watery prison by a telekinetic teenager. Now, only she can stop him. I love this plot so much.

B: This one is weird because they just introduce a girl with psychic powers and then forget she ever existed. Tommy is gone and they just stopped caring.

M: This plot is so out there though, it's one of my favorites of the series. She's being manipulated by her therapist and he's making her think she's hallucinating and she brings Jason back to life with her FUCKING MIND. It's batshit insane. There was the whole thing with her father too where she telekinetically kills him.

B: How are we gonna rank this movie?

M: On enjoyment? I liked this one.

B: We're obviously not ranking them on cinematic merit, are we?!

M: A tier. It's batshit insane, it's fun. It's not S tier but....

B: Okay. I liked Part 5 more.

M: PART THE EIGHT! Fuck yeah. Jason Voorhees is accidentally awakened from his watery grave, and he ends up stalking a ship full of graduating high school students headed to Manhattan, NY.

B: Jason takes manhattan but he spends most of his time on a boat. He's covered in LUBE the entire movie. It has that guy who looks like Dacre Montgomery for some reason. There's this girl and her uncle who looks like Bill Nye tries to inject her with drugs. Jason literally punches a guy's head off, he breaks a porthole with his head, he walks through a glass door, it's great.

M: The sewers are filled with toxic waste that fucking MELTS Jason and he roars like a dinosaur, it's fucking FANTASTIC.

B: This is my favorite of the series, personally. It's peak Friday the 13th. The filmmakers were like - we don't really need to try anymore do we? S tier.

M: Absolutely S tier. PART THE FUCKING NINE. Serial killer Jason Voorhees' supernatural origins are revealed. Yeah okay.

B: Jason is body jumping and there's a guy eating hearts and Jason turns into a weird little slug thing and crawls into a woman's vagingo. It does have the greatest 2 second scene in film history though, where a guy's head is "smashed" into a car door and it's so obviously just a bunch of blankets wrapped around each other and there's no blood or anything. It's hilarious.

M: The slug thing is a real thing that happens. This movie is batshit in all the wrong ways. It's gross and weird and fucking...what. I don't know. It makes Jason X look coherent. D tier. F tier. Z tier.

B: Toilet tier.

M: PART THE TEN. Jason Voorhees is cryogenically frozen at the beginning of the 21st century, and is discovered in the 25th century and taken to space. He gets thawed, and begins stalking and killing the crew of the spaceship that's transporting him. This one is also insane. Jason is frozen in space and they bring him back and they kill him again but not really.

B: They scan his brain and it's the size of a pea so they insult him and he falls on their magical healing table and gets upgraded. It doesn't take itself very seriously at all.

M: The fx are really amazing. The android girl gets beheaded and they just have the actress on her knees with someone's arm wrapped around her neck and the camera at arm level.

B: Some of the jokes do land, there is the hologram scene. There is one part where they make a joke about Jason's dick.

M: David Cronenberg makes a cameo in this movie though so bonus points there.

B: He should have directed it, that would've been amazing. Like all of these were done by different directors.

M: So were the Nightmare movies, except the first and last ones were both Craven. I kinda love Jason X though. It's way better than Jason goes to Hell.

B: It's significantly better than Jason goes to hell. I'd put it in A tier.

M: I'd vote B tier but I'm willing to compromise. PART THE FREDDY VS JASON. We already kinda did this but how does it compare to the other Friday the 13th movies?

B: Probably B tier in this one too.

M: It has better production value than most of these. Jason at least looked cool. PART THE REMAKE. Ugh. I hated this so much. It's so boring. It's so bland. All the attempts at humor fall flat, the acting is dull, it's just a mildly spiffed up rehash of everything we've seen. It's better than Jason goes to hell but barely. I'd still D tier this shit.

B: It's not that good. Jason is barely in it. That's kind of a trend in a lot of these. Not enough Jason. Low C high D tier. It's not good.

M: I think C tier is too much credit for this rehashed nonsense. I'm going D. Fuck that shit.

[munchflix]

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET TIER LIST

Munch: So Biscuits had the great idea of doing some franchise tier lists, and though we love to clown, there are some we're just not gonna do. I'm not sitting through 18 Paranormal Activity movies for love or money. We're both fairly familiar with the Nightmare on Elm Street movies though, and by that I mean I am intimately familiar with them and Biscuits has at least seen them all.

Biscuits: Some other franchises we're gonna have to rewatch some movies for, so that's why we're doing this first. Nobody remembers everything that happens in the Halloween movies, c'mon.

M: Nightmare on Elm Street THE FIRST. On IMDB: Teenager Nancy Thompson must uncover the dark truth concealed by her parents after she and her friends become targets of the spirit of a serial killer with a bladed glove in their dreams, in which if they die, it kills them in real life. If you die in the matrix, you die in real life. This was arguably one of the best of the series, it introduced the iconic Freddy and as a small child in 1984 when I was far too young to be watching it, it scared the BEJESUS out of me.

  B: This is an iconic film, it has some of the more memorable moments in the entire series, groundbreaking inventive special effects, some memorable kills. The scene where Tina gets dragged across the ceiling in the rotating room. The judge got fat and the lawyers got famous. It definitely stands on it's own merit as a film even if the other movies didn't exist. It does also have one of the worst special effects ever.

M: The door scene?

B: Yes.

M: That's fair. So what tier? A tier?

B: Dream warriors is gonna be in a class by itself. A tier.

M: Nightmare on Elm Street THE SECOND. Freddy's Revenge. A teenage boy is haunted in his dreams by deceased child murderer Freddy Krueger, who is out to possess him in order to continue his reign of terror in the real world. The gay one. Nancy has been scrapped in favor of some random teen boy and a completely different plot. Well it's not really different is it?

B: Well Freddy is trying to take over his body and not just kill him.

M: That's fair. Kinda gay though. This one wasn't great.

B: It's known for having a lot of homoerotic subtext. Why? I don't know.

M: The director has claimed zero knowledge of how incredibly gay this movie is. He insists none of it was intentional. I do not believe him. Neither did the main actor, who has a great documentary about it on Shudder. Scream, Queen. Shameless plug.

B: We're not sponsored by Shudder but WE COULD BE. You want us to review your shitty original movies, we'll do it!

M: They've had some good movies. So....it's watchable. It's not nearly as bad as some of the other ones. I'd put it in B tier.

B: I'd say B tier. It's watchable. It's not really good but it's far from the worst in the franchise.

M: Dream Warriors. (Biscuits sings the entire song first ) A psychiatrist familiar with knife-wielding dream demon Freddy Krueger helps teens at a mental hospital battle the killer who is invading their dreams.

B: That song SLAPS ASS. Obviously it's an S tier! It's an S tier just because of the song by Dokken. Also it's the best movie. Also little tiny baby Laurence Fishburne!

M: I agree. Nancy comes back, there's a wild plot. They finally really for the first time really explore the idea of a dream world and it's possibilities.

B: They create dreamsonas and fight Freddy. Also the vein puppet kill and the one where Freddy's head comes out of the walL.

M: It's the best of the series hands down. There's not much debate about that. But then, things get weird. Nightmare on Elm Street 4 - The Dream Master. Freddy Krueger returns once again to terrorize the dreams of the remaining Dream Warriors, as well as those of a young woman who may be able to defeat him for good.

B: What even happened in this one? Didn't they bring back the dream warriors and kill them all off?

M: Yeah and then Kirsten dies and Alice takes over the entire plot. Mostly Freddy just kills all of Alice's friends and she absorbs all their abilities and uses them to kick Freddy's ass but he comes back.

B: Obviously this movie didn't leave much of an impression on me. We'll make this the sole representative of the C tier. It's not as bad the next two.

M: I agree. Nightmare on Elm Street 5 - The Dream Child. The pregnant Alice finds Freddy Krueger striking through the sleeping mind of her unborn child, hoping to be reborn into the real world.

B: He tries to like, infect her fetus. There's the whole scene with the people's faces on sperm. And then it turns out the entire time his weakness was his mom?

M: Yeah they threw the whole weird mom nun backstory in there. The thing that bothers me the most about the dream child, is that the kid looks absolutely nothing like either of his parents. He got black hair, yo.

B: The mere concept is weird enough. What if Freddy tried to be the baby? And they just never said Nah maybe not that. Why are there suddenly so many mommy issues?

M: D tier for sure. Freddy's Dead - the Final Nightmare. Dream-haunting Freddy Krueger returns once again to prowl the nightmares of Springwood's last surviving teenager, and of a woman whose personal connection to Krueger may mean his doom. This is the weird one with his daughter.

B: He had a daughter and a kid that were never mentioned before.

M: And like 100 celebrity cameos. And there was bad 3d. Really bad. Yaphet Kotto was in it. They suddenly through a whole LOT of backstory about Freddy and it was really dumb and somehow this movie made more money than any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. And the first one literally saved New Line. It's awful. I love Freddy to death and I would watch Robert Englund do his thang forever but ugh.

B: He gives it his all but nobody else did. Objectively the worst.

M: It's too comedic. There's no scary anything. The kills are dumb, the plot is dumb, it's just tons of one liners and it's not scary or gross or anything. D tier.

B: I don't even remember what happens in the movie.

M: Okay so technically....I think Freddy vs Jason came out next. Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees return to terrorize the teenagers of Elm Street. Only this time, they're out to get each other, too.

B: It's not good. They just rehashed a lot of Dream Warriors. It's better than Dream Child. It makes some sort of sense. You can follow what's going on and Katherine Isabelle from Hannibal is in it.

M: It's trashy but it's kinda fun. It's at least something to get drunk to. The kills are at least inventive. Also Jason is here. Not really sure why. It kinda felt like a Freddy movie with Jason in it.

B: And of course they couldn't let either of them win because they didn't want to piss off either fan base, pussies.

M: It's uh....C tier? B tier? Is it better than Dream Master?

B: I at least remember this one. B tier.

M: Wes Craven's New Nightmare. I fucking loved this. I thought the meta was handled well, I thought Freddy looked amazing, he was very creppy.

B: I like the concepts that Wes came up with, the meta doesn't overstay it's welcome. I like how it melds the nightmare world into the real world meta. I don't know if I'd put it in S tier but it's high on the list. It's actually a good movie.

M: I'm not saying it's flawless, some of the fx in the final fight scenes are really hokey but I give them mad props for not just Cgen-ing everything. But as a narrative, as a sequel, and as what I feel was a proper ending ( fucking fuck you Freddy's Dead ) to one of my favorite franchises, I'm putting it in S tier, fight me.  It doesn't retcon anything, it's really well done.

B: I wouldn't put it above Dream Warriors. Doesn't have Dokken.

M: You wouldn't put the greatest movie ever made above Dream Warriors. Unless Motley Crue did the soundtrack.

B: Fuck you.

M: Oh shit, we got one more! The remake! I'm not doing an IMDB blurb it's the same fucking plot.

B: But bad. I feel bad for Jackie Earl Hayley, he tried. He wasn't ever gonna be Robert Englund and nobody else was trying. They were just like, whatever. He had some much going against him and he could have been better. M: He was the best part of the movies, but you can't just take a character like that that's so well known and so iconic and just throw someone else in the role. You gotta reinvent the entire thing. You gotta go in a completely new direction.

B: Also the plot where they try to say he was falsely accused is so contrived and stupid. Why is that even in there?

M: So they could put a predictable plot twist in later and go oh shit he was bad all along. Also, oldest teenagers I've ever seen in a movie. This movie was never gonna be good. Hayley plays it too straight and too serious and it doesn't work. The cgen versions of the exact same effects from the first movie just make you hate it.

B: It sucks. Shit tier. We're making a new low tier. F tier. If you're thinking of seeing it, don't. It's not worth your time. Join us next time when we tier some more horror franchises but we don't know which one because we gotta watch some movies.

M: I agree. I like to pretend it doesn't exist as part of the franchise. I sleep better. Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS

IMDB BLURB: Two college friends unwittingly release Pinhead and his minions.

WARNINGS: gore, bad sex scene, incest, violence towards sex workers, implied baby murder, REALLY bad SFX. Some gore and sexxor-type stuff included under the cut.

RATING: one pinhead out of wish.com

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: So we're here with Dib and some tequila that only Biscuits is having because I'm already stoned and Dib is sober and we're gonna watch fuckin' Hellraiser Revelations.

Biscuits: I haven't seen this so I have no idea what I'm getting into and my opening thoughts are I made too much fucking margarita. I'm not a drunk in real life, I promise. These reviews are like, the only time I have alcohol

Dib: This movie is bad, I've seen this though.

B: Is this a found footage movie? I fucking hate found footage.

Dib: Yesn't.

B: I really hate found footage.

M: The opening bit is two random dudes putting the camera one inch from their face talking about their cool ass Mexico roadtrip.

Yes, the found footage parts of the movie do actually look this bad, on God.

B: Dumb sex crazed college kids fuck with something evil, yadda yadda yadda

Dib: Sudden cut! First nipples of the movie.

M: One of the kids has a Lament Configuration and he's doing some shit and oh no it's Peenhead.

B: The camera is literally out of focus every other second. i cannot even see whats happening. And now the found footage is over and some woman is watching the footage. The dialogue is...amazing.

Dib: This is like the best the dialogue gets honestly.

M: Now random family people. Who are they? Who knows!

B: Neighbours? I don't know. Fuck this lady for being sad about her dead or presumed dead son! Also why is their 16 year old daughter at the table during their adult get together?

Dib: She's an adult I think.

M: It's missing dude's girlfriend. Acting. Girlfriend is gonna go get the found footage movie that mom just suddenly had and find out what happened to her boyfriend. She sees them drinking in Mexico. Tequila is the best buzz?

B: HELL YEAH BROTHER!

Dib: There's also some not so subtle racism.

D: These guys didn't even take one semester of Spanish. That guy kinda looks like Jerma.

M: One of the dudes is fucking someone in Mexico, his girlfriend is watching the found footage and is very sad about seeing her boyfriend cheat.

Dib: Is this how sex??

M: Sure.

D: I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure he's humping the drywall.

Is this sex?

M: And now the dudebros gotta leave because uh...

B: This dude literally acting like he just killed her. ...Oh.

M: He literally killed her. It was an ‘accident’ I guess but dudebro boyfriend is freaking. Which one is her brother?

B: I don't know. Jerma is making a lot of sense here honestly, go tell the cops and shit.

M: Oh and the Lament Configuration just CONVENIENTLY made it back with the footage in his backpack.

B: These people talk like Oblivion NPCs.

M: Back with the family or families who are very sad about dudebro NotJerma and his disappearance. They don't understand. Maybe girlfriend Emma broke up with him.

B: Why is Emma's shirt like, tits out.

M: I don't know. She's supposed to be a teenager(?) surrounded by adults, it's a bit creepy.

Dib: She's like the sister of one of the dudes and the girlfriend of Jerma? (It’s the other way around actually) The acting is worse than I remember.

M: HOW??? So Jerma showed back up suddenly at the family gathering. Literally out of thin air. He's having a seizure on the couch.

Dib: There's no around and the phone is dead. Suddenly out of the corner of your eye you spot him....Great Value Pinhead.

B: Where is my son?? Where IS HE? Of course these rich white people live in the middle of nowhere. Nobody knows where NotJerma is and now the dads are fiiiiiiighting. How do these people come to blows so fast???

M: That's what living off the grid does to you.

B: These ppl are all on copious amounts of cocaine.

M: Why didn't the cars work again?

Dib: They're all gone. Pinhead had to go to Taco Bell

(cue laughter as "pinhead" shows up on the screen )

Look at this dude.

B: No guns for you Peter, you're drunk. Jerma is still dying on the couch, this guy kinda looks like bootleg George Clooney. Like they bought George Clooney off Wish. And Pinhead too.

M: Pinhead is uh....flaying some guy? And putting more nails into his face.

Dib: That's actually relevant to the plot.

M: I hate to agree with you but insofar as there is a plot....it is.

Dib: Oh they're doing plot. Emma opened the box again like a dumbshit.

M: She's obviously never seen a Hellraiser movie. Hello?? DEMONS? And everything is blue, his house, his car, his demons.

B: You're combining Halsey and Eiffel 65

M: I can do whatever i want, you're half drunk. Jerma is gone!

Dib: No he's just outside looking at the pool.

M: Jerma tells everyone about the cenobites, and they're like oh, okay.

Dib: Flashback again! back in Mexico

B: That stripper is wearing a lot of clothing.

Dib: Well she's gotta take something off!

B: I think your friend might be a psychopath, Jerma. This weird guy, i guess the vagrant from Jerma's story shows up and speaks perfect English.

M: He's got a box, and of course NotJerma is ALL IN because its gotta be cooler than murder and sex.

Dib: This vagrant is the only person who can act

M: You call that acting??

Dib: The bar is very low okay....

B: He is putting his all into it. Really glad vagrant was there to give us all this exposition. Jerma's face is my entire mood. I feel like the greeks already had a story about this wholevnot opening a box thing. You have to be sweaty and shirtless to open the box.

This man owes $1,502,284,265 dollars to Twitch chat.

M: Jerma's friend is a fucking douchecanoe. He's like well I fucked and murdered people and now I'm opening a hellbox but you're a pussy. Also we need to make a home movie of this.

Dib: This movie is only like an hour long and it feels so much longer.

B; This movie looks so bad. It looks SO cheap. It's like on the level of a Neil Breen movie.

M: That's an insult to Neil Breen.

Dib: The budget for this movie was 300,000 usd

M: What the hell did they spend it on?

B: Jerma's having a bad day.

M: He's drunk and getting picked up by a prostitute.

Dib: I like how they made Tijuana look like an absolute shithole.

B: How far into this movie are we? WE GOT NIPPLES.

M: And now a pointless sex scene again.

B: Jerma's gotta be so drunk he couldn't even get it up.

Dib: Now Jerma's murdering people because his friend in his head told him to. Oh there he is.

M: They don't explain this at all. Brother Dude suddenly pops up all fleshless from inside the bed where Jerma killed the prostitute.

B: How does this look worse than the original made 25 years ago? Why are there so many weird scenes with all this tension between these two dads??? Emma looks up the definition of cenobite.

Dib: Totally in Miriam Webster

M: It is though, it's a term for a member of a religious order. Clive Barker didn't make it up. Jerma back in real time spews nonsense about cenobites and then has a dream about having his face cut off by Chatterer with boobs

B: Dads come in to comfort Jerma. I didn't know George Clooney was Jerma's dad.

M: He looks more like other guys dad. We have no names for anyone, I don't even know asshole kid's name.

B: Nico?

Dib: Back to Emma who apparently knows everything about the Lament somehow.

B: she bites her lip sexily.

Dib: Stop seducing your friend's dad, Emma, its a bit sus.

B: GOD MOM, I can't even seduce my friend's dad!

M: Oh no, the incest. Jerma has been brought soup by Emma and now he's finally awake and all randy.

Very good soup.

Dib: Help me, stepbrother, I'm stuck!

M: I am not putting incest porn in here. Jerma drinks soup sexily. And tells Emma, who is his SISTER how awesome she is and how he got her the Lament configuration. Why has nobody just fucking asked Jerma where he was??

B: I love how there's no soup in that bowl.

M: Emma helps him uh, finish his soup. Now he's gotta touch her all creepy like.

B: Jerma's under evil cenobite influence

Dib: Well no...it's like...I can't really say anything.

B: Did asshole dude steal Jerma's skin and is pretending to be him?

M: Wow you figured that out really fast

B: Well it's not that hard to get.

M: Emma let the brother incest going on for far too long before she was like OH WAIT THIS IS BAD

B: Now the dad is playing with the Lament, why doesn't he get all horny and weird when he touches it

Dib: Emma takes a nap, worn out from all the incest

M: Drunk dads go into the woods with shotguns. they take 10 steps into the woods and Hark, a vagrant. The same guy from Mexico.

B: Why did Wish Chris Pratt suddenly develop a new york accent?

M: I guess PrattDad shot at the vagrant but now the vagrant is cutting his face off. It looks great.

Just kinda wiggle the knife back and forth a little; it’s just like peeling an orange.

B: That's a fine chunk of face meat.

M: Now PrattDad is back inside and he's bleeding and shit I guess the vagrant said something about the plot. PrattDad's makeup injuries do not match the giant chunk of face meat we saw

B: Clooney dad is like - I can't deal with this nonsense. Oh no, Jerma has a shotgun. He's fine now.

Dib: This is the climax of the movie, I think

M: I think so. Jerma shoots his dad, Clooneydad. Now both dads are dying. Jerma is doing all of this because he hates his angsty teen life. Come on, my guy.

Dib: Actual Jerma would've been a better actor. This guy is just every edgy high schooler I went to school with. How you make a one hour movie feel like a marathon. More flashbacks because we gotta get more blood for my meat friend in my mattress. How does he afford all this?

M: Hell powers.

B: *chokes on margarita* wtf did I just witness? That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Dib: I could do better special effects with 15 minutes and a Little Caesar's Hot n Ready. Meat Hoodie Man.

M: This is a much nicer place than he took the last prostitute to. Why does Jerma have to do the killing? Make Douchecanoe do it. He's the one who needs the flesh. Jerma has a whole crisis because the prostitute has a baby but Nico don't care, he'll eat a baby.

B: Just run, Jerma, run far away. Kill the baby, that's a cool edgy thing to do in a horror movie. Hey Griffin, kill the baby. Now Nico looks a little better fx wise but his head is way too big.

Dib: You're a horrible person! You made me kill people and you're literally a meat dude right now.

B: Jerma is the only even remotely sensible person in this movie.

M: JermaNico is telling everyone all this I guess while threatening them with a shotgun and everyone is just like okay sure. Also even if you stole someone's skin you wouldn't look at all like them. You'd still have your underlying bone structure and shit. Clooneydad, despite being disemboweled with a shotgun, is still alive. Prattdad died from some facial cuts.

Dib: this guy is so edgy.

M: JermaNico is now demanding the box from Emma who says she doesn't have it.

Dib: But she's about to do some epic trolling

B: That moon is so bad. Also we learn that Clooneydad fucked JermaNico's friend's mom? Anyways this is weird. And irrelevant. How is Clooneydad still alive?

I cannot overstate how awful the fake wound looks.

M: Mom asks the first revelant question in an hour. Where is actual Jerma???

Dib: The movie's only an hour long.

B: Why are you like this? Thats a really relevant question.

M: Omfg JermaNico, Jerma literally murdered ppl to help you and you still bag on him. JermaNico is gonna trade everybody left alive to the cenobites for his soul or whatever because that will totally work.

Dib: But Emma stabs him a couple times. He demands Emma open the box. How is this plan gonna work?

B: Your plan has some major flaws my dude. Everything is blue again.

M: CENOBITE TIME. The Lament this time has to like bust a move to open and close.

Dib: Oh there's StevenJerma. He's a cenobite now.

M: The cenobites are so bad. They apparently don't give a shit about a deal, they're just gonna kill everybody for no reason because yanno.

B: The fx are SO bad. *keeps laughing* The dialogue. Why is pinhead yellow??

Pinhead, but with jaundice?

M: You think they could afford lighting?? Now JermaNico is getting all hurt and shit. I'm not sure what the point of any of this is.

Dib: Clooneydad is about to make a huge mistake and shoots JermaNico with the shotgun, very stupid move.

M: Now GreatValue Pinhead is giving a speech and like...they could've altered his voice or like,....anything to help him seem menacing but it's just so bad. He just looks and sounds so stupid. Pinhead continues killing people for no reason.

Dib: This is not how Pinhead rolls.

M: No, there were rules, or some sort of code.

B: this guy is...too expressive. Is that wrong? Doug Bradley was always very stoic and cold as Pinhead this guy keeps tilting his head and stuff and trying to emote a little but not a lot.

M: Clooneydad finally dies, and Emma is gonna open the box again. She has done this like five times. She has learned nothing.

B: Oh and that's the last shot of the movie I guess. Closing...thoughts?

M: No.

B: Ok, fair enough.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

THE RANKINGS ARE IN

Munch: 25th Anniversary Edition!

Biscuits: It's not actually the 25th anniversary. I'm not even 25 years old. But we've reviewed 25 movies apparently. Which is like 55 hours of my life I'll never get back.

M: Which is a big deal, for us. I'm not 25 either. 55 hours? I think Watchmen alone adds like seventeen more hours.

B: So I suggested we do a TIER LIST of all the movies we've reviewed because I thought it would be funny. That's the whole thought process.

M: I don't think anybody reads our blog anyway, we just do it for us.

B: Obviously you should Blaze them. Like a really old one.

M: Then I'd feel an obligation to keep up with it. So anyway....we got 25 fucking movies to sort out ranked by whatever the fuck qualifications we feel makes them bad or less bad than the other contenders. Are we going in alphabetical order?

B: I was gonna say chronological but that's gonna get complicated.

M: ( insert 20 minute long argument about the tier list rules )

B: Dib's gonna officiate. We're not doing Morbius yet. The way we're doing this is we're putting the WORST movies at the top and the movies we kinda like at the bottom. Because we have reviewed a few movies we do like, but the majority of them stink. There's gonna be some hair splitting.

M: It's gonna get hairy. Okay so we're starting at A with Alice in Wonderland. Which sucked.

B: It's pretty bad. Is it cataclysmic diarrhea bad? I would put it in A tier, for now.

M: I'm not sure I agree with A tier, Johnny Depp was pretty fucking abominable in that, and the special effects were horrendous. I'd vote for B tier. Like top shelf B tier. It sucks but it's not like...the worst thing I've ever seen.

B: I don't think we can give it credit for production value though, because it's a worse sin to me for a movie to spend like 5 billion dollars and have that and still suck balls. Like Watchmen. And it butchers a story that is close to my heart.

M: I'd remove a tier for those grub version of the tweedles alone. CHERIK PHANTOM. I love this movie. I have nothing bad to say about this movie.

B: We both agree, D tier, would recommend that you watch it. It's good.

M: Why did we even review DBZ fusion reborn?

B: I don't remember. I'd put that in D tier too.

M: Done. Next! Oh god. Demon House.

B: DEMON HOUSE IS GOING IN S TIER AND NOTHING YOU SAY CAN CHANGE MY MIND. I don't hate it because it's a bad movie, which it is, I hate it because of the morally dubious ethics of a shitty douchebag filmmaker exploiting other people's experiences because he thinks he knows more about ghosts than anyone on the planet. It made me ANGRY.

M: I can't even argue with you on this one. It's not entertaining, the production value sucks, the ghost is a finger. The review was really funny though. If I were going to Blaze a review, it would be that one. The Robert Englund Phantom of the Opera. It's aight. Would I rather watch it again or eat a begging strip tho....

B: It's better than a lot of the absolute detritus we've watched. I'd put it in low C tier.

M: Okay so...this one's gonna be fun. Garbage Pail Kids. I'm voting immediately for A or S tier. I cannot in good conscience put it below that.

B: I think it's an S. The people involved with making that movie had choices to make - about the plot, the direction, the effects...and every single time they made the wrong decision. It's utter nonsense.

M: I would still put it below Demon House. I don't know, I feel like in the realm of what I consider to be the worst sin a movie can have ( to be boring ) that it's not nearly as bad as some. It's not boring. It's horrible and gross and sickening....but it's not boring. Gatsby. D tier...but where.

B: D tier, I love that movie.

M: ARGH, Lady in the Water. Ugh. 

B: Let's talk. Let's talk this out. Is it S tier?

M: It's not as bad as Demon House or Garbage pail kids and that makes me MAD. I want it to be S tier. I hate this movie so much. I cannot in good conscience put this in S tier but I want to so bad. I hate everything. I'm gonna get even more angry watching this movie slide down the ranking.

B: Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh. I'd rather eat a Beggin Strip. I don't think it's really A tier, nothing enough even happens. Are you saying it's worse than Alice?

M: I'd rather watch that again than Alice in Wonderland.

B: ( Biscuits nods sagely.) I'll allow it. Alice is more like...infuriating. There's nothing in LWTRL to even get mad about. Cinema is such a versatile medium where you can do all kinds of crazy shit, and yet it’s amazing how many people will use it to say absolutely nothing.

M: Okay, Love Never Dies. I actually love this, I'd put this in D tier. I'm willing to hear arguments for C. It's bad but I love it.

B: It's pretty entertaining. I'd put it at the top of D tier. It's worse than DBZ.

M: Midsummer Nights dream, I forgot we even did this. It's just like a little weird shakepeare on a budget version. It's great though. I'd happily watch that again.

B: I'd rather watch that again than eat a Beggin Strip.

M: MINE GAMES. Oh boy.

B: This movie is bad. It's not S tier, but it's definitely above C tier. I'd make an argument for A tier.

M: Is it as bad as Lady in the Water? That's the real question. The plot is confusing, the tropes are ridiculous, the acting is bad....we didn't even name the characters because we didn't even care.

B: We'll put it below Lady in the Water.

M: I'll put it in there just for the sex scene that means NOTHING. Oh Lord...Morbius.

B: How does one rank Morbius? How does one quantify or qualify Morbius? This is another one where I'm gonna make the argument that the movie is made worse by the fact that it cost millions and it looks like dogshit and it's not good.

M: This is gonna cause me fits vs like...Watchmen. Do the shitty special effects like....rank it down? We did laugh. I don't think we were supposed to...but we did laugh.

B: It did have big titties.

M: I wouldn't even make this A tier. I would go for C tier.

B: It's amazing that a movie like Morbius is so far down but..I would rather watch it again than The Last Will and Testament.

M: I can't believe I agree but I do. It's a testament to how bad the movies we watch are. Phantom 25, we don't even need to debate this.

B: We clowned on it but we love. We stan.

M: Phantom 2004.

B: I have an ironic love for this movie. It's not good, but I love it for it's badness.

M: I would C tier that shit, I'd rather watch it than Morbius. Now the last one. Dario Argento’s Phantom. Here's the real question...is it S tier?

B: Yes, absolutely. I hate this movie so much.

M: It's grosser than Garbage Pail Kids. There's literally like...bestiality in this movie. It's so gross. But the real question is....is it worse than Demon House?? I'm gonna make an argument here. It's not as bad as Demon House. I don't really feel like anyone was exploited to make Dario's movie. I don't feel like anyone with a brain would watch that movie and think of it as a guidebook.

B: Dario's movie isn't trying to be a documentary. It's just a weird gross movie. We can put it above Garbage Pail Kids.

M: I agree. Okay, now that my horrific incident of terror is over...Replicas.

B: Keanu is hot but unfortunately he does not show titties, so...

M: The real question is...is it beggin' strip or worse.

B: I'd put it in B tier.

M: That puts it above Morbius!!! Oh god it was worse than Morbius.

B: Leto at least showed titties. These reviews make me sound like such a chauvinist pig but...

(Dib: Boobies are radical, okay! )

B: It's like that Phil Swift meme.

M: Romeo + Juliet, D tier, done. It's awesome. I'd put it above Gatsby.

B: I wouldn't.

M: We agree to disagree. I'll leave Gatsby to it's title. THE DIRT, 1.25

B: Listen...I love Motley Crue....

M: It wasn't that bad.....I hate to admit it. God....it's better than Love Never Dies. Maybe we should put that in C tier.    

(Dib: eating a Beggin' Strip lasts about as long to be fair if you watch it on 1.25 speed )

B: That's not even the question though, we're talking about Motley Crue.

M: I hate that it wasn't as bad as I wanted it to be, but minus 12 points for all the PISSING AND SQUIRTING.

B: That makes a movie better, wtf are you talking about.

M: Shut up and give me a ranking. Is it better than DBZ fusion reborn?! THE FIELDS. I can't put it in S tier.

B: We can't really put it below Last Will. It's gotta be diarrhea tier.

M: Is it above though??? I think I'd rather the last will again but god....that's a hard call. Stuff does happen in The Fields but nothing makes any sense. The Host! Okay....this is gonna be hard.

B: What a fucking bizarre movie. I can't believe that movie was made by Bong Joon-ho, the same guy who made Parasite and Snowpiercer. Two critically acclaimed movies.

M: This movie was amazing. I will die on this hill. It was entertaining, I have actually watched it several times. Does it make sense? No. Is it good? No. Is it fun as hell?? Yes.

B: I'd put it at the bottom of C tier, but we could make an argument for D tier.

M: I'll concede to C tier because the movie has flaws, major flaws. Hoo Boy...the Requin. It's not S tier...but is it A tier?

B: It's also kind of entertaining in it's badness. It had a budget of 3 cents and a paperclip so I'll give it a little slack. I don't think I would put it in A tier. It has the basic qualities of being a movie.

M: Counterargument. No it doesn't. How is the plot more cohesive than Mine Games???

B: I don't think it's worse than Mine Games. The director tried to put some meaning in there.

M: Counterargument, no they didn't! The side plot makes no sense!!

B: The Requin doesn't have a two minute long pointless sex scene! Checkmate.

M: Okay. Now for the piece de resistance.....Watchmen. I'm gonna argue....for the bottom of S tier. Below Garbage Pail Kids but above Lady in the water.

B: That's a tall order. It is S tier, I will give you that. I'd be willing to go above Garbage Pail Kids, because at least that movie is over quickly.

M: I thought you'd fight me over it being in S tier, but every version of it is longer than the last and every version is WORSE. It's literally worse than a root canal.

B: No, this movie is bad. It has 4 1/2 stars and it sucks. And Jeffrey Dean Morgan is not in it enough.

M: It does have tits though.

B: Not ones I wanna look at.

M: Two left. Wolfcop. It's gonna be hard to judge Wolfcop. It's objectively bad but is it trying to be anything more? No.

B: I have a fondness for it, because it was our first. It did have a zucchini dick transformation. It did have Gunjob Larry and pissing blood.

M: But we learned what a gitch was! It was a fun time.

B: Old Jackson Galaxy. The drink and shoot! The magazine called BOOBER. I'd rather watch that than Replicas. It's bad but I had a good time.

M: I agree. I don't feel like it was ever trying to be anything other than what it was. I'd rather watch it again than Morbius. I don't think I can, in good conscience put it in D tier....but low in C tier. And now for the finale...Zombeavers.

B: That's pretty clearly B tier.

M: I agree. It's not as good as Wolfcop...it's not really funny, all the humor fell flat. The truckers were the best part of the whole movie. It's gross, but eh.

B: I'd put it below the Fields and Last Will because at least stuff happens.

M: There was a zombiebeaverbear in it. Is it worse than Replicas though? I think I'd rather watch Replicas again because at least it has Keanu Reeves.

B: Hot guy can do wonders for your movie.

M: So....Demon House holds the title for the worst movie.

B: Dario Argento is definitely giving Demon House a run for it's money though.

M: They could be tied honestly. An argument could be made.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo. Here’s to another 25.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - REPLICAS

IMDB BLURB: A scientist becomes obsessed with bringing back his family members who died in a traffic accident.

WARNINGS: Fakey science beyond the realm of sanity, violence, cloning, cgen robots, and a bunch of bullllll-shit. 

RATING: 3 kegs of amino acids. 

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch:  I've been wanting to do this one since I first watched it because of the absolutely batshit amount of plot holes and fakey science involved. It's got decent production value and the acting isn't great but it's way better than a lot of the movies we've watched. Regardless...this one takes suspension of disbelief and just throws it over the side of the boat like it's the mom in Funny Games. Bonus points if you get that reference.

Biscuits: Riverstone pictures! Have you ever heard of them? No? They made a movie.

M: Whoo...these margaritas might be a BIT strong.

B: Here comes the booooooy......hello boy! There he issss....he is here.....

tHe BoOoOyYy~

M: SO anyway...Keanu Reeves is on the screen doing important sciencey things in his science guy lab and there's some helicopters and they're bringing in a motherfucking android and a dead dude. They're gonna science the hell out of this dead dude, even tho he's been dead for seven hours. How can his cortex be viable? He's been dead for SEVEN HOURS.

B: Well you know...it's only seven hours. His cortex is fine.

M: So they're gonna brain transfer the dead guy's brain stuff into the robot. I put the brain in the robot, okay? What do you want from me.

B: Plankton already did this, we don't need to watch this. Extracting neural data?? So they mapped his brain and now they're gonna...put the brain map in the robot?

M: Through a HUD, that Keanu Reeves is wearing.

B: Some Star Wars hologram shit. Oh he's manipulating a big brain hologram. Very cool. What exactly is going on? They're just spouting a bunch of fake science shit. They 3d printed a brain inside the robot??? This looks like a parody of a sci fi movie. How many quandills do we have!?? We have too many bringbrongs, destabilizing the matrix!

M: This is exactly why we had to watch this. Margot...energize the body. So now it's time for all the stuff they just...manipulated or whatever to go into the robot. He's movin! Keanu is trying to talk to the robot with the dude's brain but it's freaking out a bit because it's in a fucking robot now. Why would they ever think this was cool? The dead guy was not at all warned about this. The robot is fucking destroying itself now because well...that didn't go well.

B: I wrote a long angsty poem about an android who destroyed itself. This reminds me of that. This is progress! They don't understand my massive brain! This is my life's work! I'm so close! We've heard this spiel in literally every movie ever.

M: There's a couple of tropes here! Keanu's boss is mad because he can't make the robot brain thing work well so Keanu goes home to his nuclear family and his very nice house. And now his nerdy coworker is here because he's house sitting.

B: Daddy? Me too, little girl.

He’s a wholesome family man doing top secret evil science

M: And cue the thirst! Actually it already started.

B: Maybe you shouldn't be doing that at all! Maybe the question shouldn't be should we bring back the dead until the science is good enough, but maybe whether or not it's morally wrong to do it AT ALL!!

M: Keanu says - how many times have you had a patient flatline in the hospital and brought them back. That is NOT the same thing, my guy. Putting a dead guy's brain in a robot without his express permission is not like hitting somebody with a defibrillator. 

B: I don't think we're gonna see any new ground covered here with any interesting moral quandaries we haven't heard before. 

M: Just making sure we're on normal speed here. 

B: His wife's acting, wow. I know Keanu's not always given the best performances but wow. Her acting is like syfy and not like science fiction, like the channel. Maybe you should stop doing morally dubious science and spend time with your family.

M: This dialogue is so heavy handed. I'm just dying over them not having ever had this conversation in the entire history of his working for evil science co. They leave their mansion in the care of coworker guy. To go driving in the rain at night.

B: I SURE HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS. I'm really glad we got all this time to get attached to these characters. I had time to really feel the connection before they instantly got killed. You've heard of the woman in the ice box trope? We're putting them all in there! All three kids!

M: Magically...his entire family dies horribly in this tragic car accident except Keanu who is now slowly sinking in his death car full of dead family.

B: If this happened in real life they would've immediately suspected him for killing his entire family. I wanna offer a bit of writing criticism and suggest that if the evil company had a hand in killing his family it would've been more interesting.

M: Keanu takes the time to drag every single member of his dead family out of the car and onto land and lays them out in an artistic pattern before calling 911.

If I wanted to watch Keanu Reeves be sad about his dead wife I’d just go watch John Wick.

B: Maybe he was trying to see if anyone was alive.

M: It doesn't take that long! And now instead he's...oh nevermind...he called his coworker. Not 911. He says NO QUESTIONS. We're gonna do some science shit on my family's corpses.

B: This would be a lot better if it was just Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. A wonderful novel about the moral dilemma of creating life from death.

M: You could've just...called the paramedics or something. Instead of just going yeah okay I'll help you do fakey science on your dead family. Have you even considered the legal implications of this decision? Leave him there, coworker guy. Leave the sad man in the rain with his dead family.    

B: I like how the neural mapping device is just a headband.

M: We just won't make a mistake, Keanu says. Okay.... but we're missing some major plot points here because now they suddenly have an entire cloning facility at Evil Corp, which is super handy for the plot and now instead of just putting the brains into a robot, they're gonna clone his family and put the brains in there.

B: Okay but like...cloning...okay....they're just gonna clone his wife and she's gonna come out as an adult human...? Wait, let me not tell you, movie, how science does or does not work! This is some super big brain Elon Musk technology that we haven't figured out.

M: And now we gotta get rid of the real bodies because that's fine. Coworker guy will take care of everything. We haven't been given like ANY heads up on ANYTHING in this movie. It's just suddenly everything is here RIGHT NOW. Hey they do crazy science, hey family is dead, hey cloning lab. 

B: BARRELS OF AMINO ACIDS???!? WHAT?!? This motherfucker did NOT just come in here and say he's got an entire keg of genetic material?! A bunch of primordial ooze?! They're throwing so much shit at you at MACH SPEED. 

M: Keanu needs four pods for cloning his family and they only got three pods valued at 1 milllion dollars a pop which they stole from Evil Corp. Nobody will notice.

B: I don't know what the company's name is. I don't even know what the protagonists name is! And coworker guy just...took all this shit. We had entire barrels of human goo!

I am...looking respectfully 👀

M: Now Keanu has to decide which of his family he's gonna clone and who gets left behind. He does this the only rational way by putting their names in a bowl. And tells coworker guy to pick one. Coworker is once again reluctant but he also fucking keeps going along with all this shit and he's in too damn deep now.

B: Just make the kids. Or just clone your wife and make more kids!

M: The clones are of course, gonna mature at an absolutely irresponsible rate. And they're just doing this at Keanu's house. It's fine. 

B: So they don't need a host...that's what the pods are for? Not any more unreasonable than any other bullshit in this movie. I'd love an entire keg of Keanu Reeves’ genetic material. 

M: Gross. Now they're doing fakey math to try and speed up this process before anyone notices that Keanu's entire family is dead. How the fuck is he gonna explain why one of his kids isn't there??!? They're gonna do this in SEVENTEEN DAYS. Yeah what about your other kid, Keanu. 

B: I feel like it would be less complicated to just try and revive their dead corpses than create clones and put their brains in the clones. 

M: He's gonna make clone family forget that Zoey existed. Okay great but what about literally every other person who knew her?? 

B: This guy seems like an asshole.

M: Like you've never tried to clone your dead family in your basement. 

B: This isn't no way home where he's doing Dr. Strange magic! He just like googled Zoe and he's destroying all their memories of her!? OKAY. It keeps escalating. I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of things but you can't just type in ZOE and erase all their memories. I'm starting to think the people who made this movie aren't scientists. 

We’re not even kidding.

M: It gets worse. It gets so much worse. Keanu is getting mad but it's a normal stage of grief that he is not at all dealing with. Now the police are here. Someone stole the car batteries out of every car on the block and you wouldn't happen to know who that was, EH? Why they fuck would they need car batteries?? Car batteries don't have that much juice, they run with an alternator that keeps them charged...

B: Coworker guy has to come in now and explain why Keanu isn't there even tho they fired him but they gotta get him back to work I guess. Fuck dude, can't you just show your tits or something. I don't mean that in a sexist way.

M: Just a horny way. I'm also in denial that all this Evil Corp stuff only cost 8 million dollars. Now Keanu has to get back to work so coworker dude has to come watch the pods. Why do they need to be watched? 

B: In case something goes wrong. 

M: We still haven't explained the Zoey thing. Keanu is back at work now tho and nobody has noticed the huge amount of missing stuff. Keanu is now sad about the kid he didn't clone but it's fine. We'll just clone her afterwards. After the other ones are done brewing or whatever. 

B: Yeah Matt's been out of school and you couldn't get his wife on the phone because they're DEAD IN THE BASEMENT. This guy is suffering from a serious lack of consequences. 

M: Suddenly Keanu realizes that he can't explain ANY of this because coworker guy lied about his kid staying with his dead grandparents. Keanu has called literally nobody to offer a cover story about his dead family. What could possibly go wrong? At this point in the movie, I was waiting for some horrible clone catastrophe to occur. That would've been cool. It doesn't happen. 

B: The clones are zombies or all mutated or something and try to kill him. But this isn't a horror movie. Dude! Dude. My man is trying now to cover his ass by texting everyone and making up lies about his family. They're gonna shut a lot of shit down when they find out what Keanu's been doing. 

Co-worker guy is way too gung-ho about all of this

M: And what IS Keanu doing? He's running a simulation of brain imprinting and it keeps failing and he really should have thought about this ahead of time. He checks in on his clone family who are now all moving around and squiggly and shit but it's fine. 

B: Our leading man is kinda unabashedly evil at this point. We're not conflicted about whether or not we're rooting for him. We're not. 

M: I think we're supposed to be though. And the thing is we're not even halfway through so we got a whole other plot to get through. And so we can't leave the family in the tanks because even if he doesn't get the brain imprint thing going they're gonna age like crazy because that's how this works. Keanu is gonna sedate them into a coma once they're born so he can get the brain thing going I guess. This seems like a good idea.

B: We're way past questions of ethics at this point, coworker guy. White dad frankenstein guy does not give a shit.

M: Hello clone wife! Welcome to the world! Have a coma!

B: IT'S A GIRL!

M: So I guess they're all born and shit now and he's got 3 days to get their brains sorted so it's fine. We've only seen the wife so far tho. Keanu reviews his past failures and touches clone family softly in their comas. Keeps lying to everyone. Gets sad about Zoe. Suddenly everything is going very slow. Can we have the major brain breakthrough already.

B: They didn't even establish this guy as being that smart. They just established that he works for an evil corporation. I guess he's a super genius or whatever. A movie about a bad man who does stupid things but it's still very boring.

M: Keanu figures out that if he touches his wife her brain wakes up. So this is the big breakthrough. The soul or whatever is hosted in the body, not the brain. So what the fuck is the point of all the BRAIN SCIENCE then?!

Insert ‘neuron activated’ meme here

B: NOBODY THOUGHT ABOUT THIS?! None of these big brain super genius scientists realized that putting a brain in a synthetic body would make it freak out?? Dude, Ed (coworker) is a ride or die motherfucker.

M: He's also the only person in this movie with ANY common sense.

B: I can't get over this hologram interface he's using. It's like Iron Man but it's just Bad Man. He just did bad shit but he was still hunky. He's not even like a good villain you can root for, he's just kind of a bastard.

M: I'm wondering why nobody has figured out what they're doing, or why he still has a job at all. I also don;t get why we had this massive body/brain breakthrough and then still did the brain imprint and now it's fine. Keanu sedates her again because as he says while she's still awake, he can't have her notice that anything is weird. Like that one of her kids is missing but she won't notice because he deleted those specific memories and it's okay.

B: HOW ARE WE ONLY HALFWAY?!! WHAT ELSE HAPPENS!

M: An unbelievable amount of chase scenes.

B: Is this an action movie?

M: The second half is. So now the entire family is waking up and he's erasing all memories of Zoey and shit and he's sad but we don't care because he's an asshole.

B: Sleeping in bed next to your baby brain comatose clone wife is creepy. Oh no, she woke up! MY WIFE!

M: And everything is fine. They're all perfectly normal. Which is honestly weird. I was expecting something super weird.

B: None of them are slobbering zombies or anything, they have all their memories. They're all just completely fine and normal.

M: Oh no, clone wife is having some pains in her chest or gallbladder or something.

B: How is the milk expired but all your other food is fine? And now a donor guy is showing up and they still want him to come in even though he hasn't shown up to work in what...three weeks!? You are extra fired! He doesn't feel like his family are eerie hollow simulacras of their former selves?

M: He doesn't think ahead. We've established THAT much.

B: His boss is like oh hey you're back from your fucking pneumonia or whatever for a month. Ed is right, he's always right. Someone is gonna notice all this shit.

M: Where are these soldiers coming from?? Is there a war going on??

B: They're in some non descript south american country so...maybe. 

M: Keanu is gonna inject something in the Evil Corp bathroom and put it directly into his brain. This seems totally legit. His boss comes in and he's like well you keep fucking things up but it's fine. Continue to work for us. And Keanu has just injected some nonsense into his eyeball and into the brain and he'll be fine.

An average afternoon in the men’s room.

B: ......what....

M: Meanwhile back at Casa De Clone, none of his family have noticed anything is amiss either. Ed sees Keanu bleeding from his eye and goes oh my god did you do the brain thing on yourself and he's like yeah it's fine. He's gonna put HIS brain in the robot. It's totally fine. 

B: Dude....uh...(groans) But WHY....

M: So he can keep his job. 

B: In the context inside the movie, okay yeah but in the context of this BEING a movie, why is this the plot? Why is it THIS? I just don't understand at all. I'm sorry. They couldn't just go with the whole dead family plot they've been doing? Oh that makes the movie too short so we gotta make a whole other plot because we couldn't possibly have put some exposition in there. 

M: Keanu now magically has figured out the whole brain/robot thing because he's a super genius but clone family appear to be having some problems. And remembering things that they should not possibly be able to remember as they are CLONES and not real people. 

B: He did take the neural scan after they were dead. Maybe he forgot to cut that part out. 

M: But then why wouldn't they just...remember it and not just be having nightmares or whatever. Oh he’s gonna do it NOW. Just sedate them and scramble their brains again a little bit while they're sleeping. 

B: You fucking.....I'm sorry....

M: Clone Wife shows up while he's scrambling his teen daughter's brain and is amazingly calm about the whole situation.

B: He's just gonna explain all of this to her right now!??! Guilty conscience?! This SHOULD be the climax of the movie! His family figures out they're clone and he has to kill them again. Sometimes dead is better.

M: Nope. CloneWife is taking this all shockingly well. It's okay Keanu, I forgive you for letting us die and cloning us and scrambling our brains and doing dangerous illegal science that so far has had no real consequences.

Hey sorry I cloned you. Anyways wanna have sex?

B: I want a divorce. Single female clone with two clone children seeks roomate. Enjoys long walks on the beach. Hates fake Christmas Trees. 

M: That would at least be interesting. The CloneKids are having some issues with remembering Zoe and he's like well there might be some things happening with the thing that happened. 

B: MY GUY. His boss is here. Is that apple pie I smell? Or a CORPSE like my daddy. Keanu, did you clone your entire family? Did you happen to steal 8 millions dollars worth of science machines? 

M: Oh he knows everything. He wants Keanu's family because they're technically Evil Corp property. 

B: I know you took all of our stuff, you didn't do much to cover your tracks. We're gonna have to euthanize your family. His evil corporate overlords were lying to him! WOW.

M: We're not a biomedical corporation???

B: You should've fucking known! These guys are doing really dubious science?! OH MY GOD. 

M: I'll get the stuff, Keanu says.

B: No, your family SHOULD die, my guy! This is the comeuppance part of this story! I feel like literally every time this man is presented with a dilemma he makes the wrong decision. 

M: And now for the action part of the movie. Keanu sedates his boss and kicks his ass and now he's gotta get his CloneFamily out of dodge. But first he's gotta microwave the algorithm. 

B: This movie is both balls out insane and somehow really boring. 

M: CloneWife's eternal underacting is killing me. She does not have an appropriate response to anything. She's just like yeah okay. 

B: Nobody except Ed has reacted correctly to anything in this movie. THE ALL NEW 2018 CHEVROLET CUNTSNATCHER. So many car promos. PERFECT FOR RUNNING OVER YOUR ENEMIES. His boss woke up really fast from an injection that put Keanu's family into a coma. Some good job you did of microwaving that data, dude.

Perfect for late-night drives with your clone family.

M: And now for a vigorous chase scene. 

B: OKAY OKAY, PAUSE. LET'S TAKE A FUCKING MOMENT. Okay. Evil Corp puts tracker markers in their experimental animals. But they didn't make these animals, Keanu, YOU DID. When...exactly, did they put tracking chips in your clone family??? And if this happened automatically in the cloning process....then wouldn't you have KNOWN? Shouldn't you have thought about that? That they would KNOW that you cloned them because their tracking markers were in them?? And you DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THIS?? You fucking figured out how to cut memories out of your family's brains and you couldn't figure out how to take A TRACKING MARKER OUT?!? Okay Mr. BigBrain Big Muscle Super Genius. I need a minute. I feel like the screenwriter was making this shit up as he went along. 

M: Come on we only got half an hour left!

B: Are you FUCKING kidding me?!? Keanu Reeves is gonna have to take a lot more clothes off to redeem this movie. 

M: You're gonna be really disappointed. The tracking chips are attached to their spines or whatever so they're gonna go to the clinic to just...remove them. It's fine. Keanu literally just said they can't be removed but his CloneWife was a nurse so she's gonna fry them with a defibrillator. And this somehow works. 

B: Okay compared to the other bullshit that’s fucking plausible. Whatever. Okay. 

M: So now they're on the road again but without the tracking chips so now they can't find them or whatever. They're gonna go get on a boat. 

B: They're taking Ed's boat I guess. A real homie will help you clone your family and let you steal his boat. Ed took a bullet for him. 

M: And does he care about all the consequences for Ed? NO. He doesn't care about the consequences for anyone. 

B: Man who can figure out how to remove memories can't figure out a boat. 

M: But the bad guys are here somehow and they have Keanu's family of clones so now he's gotta go confront BossDude back at Evil Corp where Ed is pacing the floor and he's sold Keanu down the river! But to be fair...he had it coming. I would've done it ages ago. 

B: I guess this corporation is more evil than him but...like...

M: Keanu tells him he'll give him the algorithm but only if they let CloneFamily go. But he shoots Ed instead, what the hell did Ed do? 

B: He's evil big boss man he doesn't care about anybody so he had to shoot him. 

M: You don't love her, she's not even your wife! You wouldn't have done any of this if you actually gave a damn. And now Keanu has the Iron Man headband on and he's doing more brain science but he's not doing what evil boss thinks he's doing!

B: Of course, he's one step ahead of everybody. Like he totally has been the whole movie. Keanu has one moment of forethought in his entire life. 

M: He puts his supermassive big brain in the robot at Evil Corp and now it's gonna go kick some ass for him. He gives Boss the big important information but now ROBOT TIME. Robot Keanu comes in and starts just kicking ass everywhere and killing all the bad dudes so Keanu and his CloneFamily can escape.

B: The robot effects are straight out of a Harryhausen movie. 

M: Keanu gets everyone in the car but then he's like...no...I gotta go back.

B: The robot clone just obeys him?? He's just like, I can't have my robot self exist. 

M: He gotta talk to the robot. Stop him from killing evil boss even though he totally deserves to die. He's like, we can still work this out, evil boss. Just give me your brain. 

B: This man is a supervillian at this point! 

M: Robot Keanu is gonna do the evil guy brain transfer and stick around and run evil corp I guess. They could also steal Ed's brain too. 

B: Tell me this is not how the movie ends, right?

M: It is. 

B: (unholy screeching) This is just bad man does a ton of bad things and has absolutely no consequences for it!! He didn't even have to question his own moral choices!?

M: And look, they cloned Zoe. 

B: No, his wife shoots him and all his kids and that's how the movie ends. 

M: That would've been more interesting. Instead Keanu literally just becomes a rich evil dude who sells cloned bodies for a living and gets really rich. 

B: You don't have to describe anything, it's pointless. NO. 

M: SO......anyway. It's a bad movie. I'm not sure I have anything to add at this point. None of this makes sense. Whatever character arc they were going for failed miserably. The plot is so full of holes it makes The Core look like a well thought out movie. 

B: Okay...for fucking real?? I mean maybe they were trying to play it that he 'turned into the villain' at the very end but the problem was he was the villain from the very start! Maybe they were trying to fuckin' 'subvert expectations' or whatever but subverting expectations doesn't automatically make something good!!! I wish fucking hack fraud filmmakers would get that through their fucking three-foot-thick neanderthal craniums! This is fucking nonsense! It has no establishing action and just follows the story of a man doing literally the wrong thing at every passing moment and he never even has to confront the immorality of his actions. And yeah, you can root for the villain in a story, but there has to be some *reason* to root for them! They have to be interesting! Or charismatic! Also, the writing is terrible, the acting is terrible, and the pacing is utter nonsense! What is it with these bad movies and having no concept of pacing??

M: I don't know. I can't believe most of these ever pass the pitch meeting. Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - THE DIRT 1.25

IMDB BLURB: Based on the bestselling autobiography from Mötley Crüe, the film is an unflinching tale of success and excess as four misfits rise from the streets of Hollywood to the heights of international fame.

WARNINGS: Sex, so much sex. Boobs. Graphic depictions of drug use. Horrible 80s hair. Pete Davidson. We’re fucking dumb.

RATING: You don’t know fuckin’ shit about Motley Crue.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: The absolute shit I do for you. This movie had better slap ass because I really don't like Motley Crue and I don't think they're hot and there had better be some shit to make fun of. Like Motley Crue. I really hope I get to make fun of Motley Crue. I'm gonna start right now by making fun of the way they spelled Motley Crue like a bunch of fucking edgelords.

Biscuits "How many calories are in tequila" Horrorslash: where the hell is my shotglass??!? WHOO YEAH BABEY THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! This movie gave Motley Crue a huge resurgence in popularity. Everyone saw it and was like - my poor little meow meows uwu. Like - if by that you mean four feral cats let loose in your house screeching and pissing everywhere then yeah.

M: So we open with a little intro to the 80's and people are fucking and ...squirting...publicly....and I'm about to make Biscuits write this entire thing himself.

B: What did you really expect? Nikki is narrating and he has a sad backstory so everyone gets to slobber over him.

M: I'm not picking sides. I don't think any of them are cute. Why does Nikki's dad look like Charles Manson? He's very mouthy for like....a 10 year old? Nikki cuts his arm with a knife to blame his shit ass mom for it.

B: It is based on a book so it's them retelling their own rock star backstories, so take this with as many inches of dick as we're gonna assign to them. So Tommy gets like 8 and a half and Nikki gets like 3.

M: I'm not gonna ask how you know how big everyone's dick is.

B: These men have shown many parts of themselves. Tommy was naked like 90 percent of the time. Also that was a joke, I’m not even saying it���s accurate.

M: I still don't wanna know. So Frank Jr is now Nikki Sixx because he grew up and shit.

Frank Jr.? But he’s just a little girl!

M: Now Tommy is narrating? He comes from like...super suburban normal life. His family is like super normal and healthy. Except Tommy.

B: Tommy Lee was really attractive when he was young. He's the youngest! Tommy and Nikki meet in a diner and they're like - we should totally be in a band and fuck girls in the vicinity of each other! Or just touch tips. Nikki is like - my new band is gonna be so cool! I'm gonna get like 4 rabid raccoons together and just turn em loose on a stage! They find a guitarist but he's shitty and they hate him.

M: Who's this dude? (Mick Mars, he's gonna be the guitarist.) He doesn't like Tommy's old band, they suck. Mick Mars is a dick, jesus. He's like - I am the best guitarist EVAR.

B: Mick Mars is a better guitarist than most people. I have some respect for him, unlike the other members of the band. He's got ankylosing spondylitis and he can walk in heels and play guitar better than I probably ever will. So the band has picked up an old man with bone disease.

M: That's pretty fucking hardcore tho, no wonder he's such a dick. Chronic pain does shit to a person. They are looking for some random skinny dude with attitude to sing in the band. The requirements are so low here.

B: Tommy is giving off major Bill and Ted vibes.

M: They find what I assume Vince Neil singing at a pool party and they're like - HE IS SURROUNDED BY BABES we must take him. This guy looks nothing like Vince Neil.

People ask me - “What don’t you like about Motley Crue music?” I say, “The sound.”

B: Tommy speaks at 300 words per second. Vince is doing coke with his girlfriend because it was the 80's and everyone did cocaine except Jon Bon Jovi.

M: He's not even a rock star yet. This is the most haphazard getting a band together I've ever heard of. They're just like HEY WE ARE A BAND NOW AND WE'RE GONNA GET SO LAID!

B: Vince's girlfriend is just gonna stand there.

M: She's already trying to manage the band but they're gonna shut her down with the power of BUTTROCK!

B: Tommy Lee has the energy of a crackhead even when he's not high. He's lighting cockroaches on fire with hairspray. Nikki has a whole notebook full of doodles of pentagrams and shitty band names. That's just me. I have that same notebook.

M: Why is Mick the only sane member of this band?

B: He doesn't have the energy to do like all the fucked up shit, he's too tired. Vince looks like 80's coked up hooker barbie.

The bass player is the loser of the band, yes he is - if you don’t believe me, take a look at the one you’re with!

M: I guess they're playing a gig now? Or not. Vince and co are already kicking people's asses before a note has been sung.

B: They're throwing hands. And everyone is like - FUCK YEAH THIS BAND RULES! THEY JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE! I'd like to state for the record that my stenographer is refusing to type out some of the things I am saying. She's becoming more of a lesbian every second.

M: Number 1 - I am not your stenographer. 2 - you can edit in whatever you want but I am typing RIGHT NOW, 3 - I really am. Wtf is going on in the movie?

B: A montage of them doing gigs. That's Pete Davidson! They haven't been signed yet tho so I guess that's where Pete comes in. There's probably gonna be even more sex scenes in this movie.

M: There's already been like four!

B: THICK ASS. I almost put my hands on the table and howled like a wolf.

M: You'll be glad later that I left so many things out. So now Pete is talking to them and there's some chick under the table giving random blow jobs but he doesn't want one.

B: And now more violence!

M: Mick Mars just straight up Deadpools us by talking directly to the camera and he is now my favorite member of Motley Crue, at least in this movie.

He’s hip, he’s cool, he’s 45

B: Nikki doesn’t like Kiss. I like Kiss. Munch doesn't even like Kiss! What DO you like?? What do you listen to that's so great!?? Kate Bush? Bruno Mars or some shit?

M: You need more alcohol. I just don't fuckin' like BUTTROCK.

B: GLAM METAL. Buttrock is deragatory.

M: It's meant to be. Vince is somehow fucking yet another girl. How does he have time in his day for this. Pete talks to the camera and tells us not to leave our girlfriend alone with Motley Crue because they'll fuck her.

B: Probably good advice. Just a bunch of dudes in leather and studs and makeup. Just dudes being guys.

M: It was a very straight thing to do in the 80's.

B: I don't think that's the original track. That's not Vince singing...ugh. (disclaimer: read to the end for the SHOCKING TRUTH!)

M: How you even noticed that...and now for some good old fashioned SATANIC PANIC! And the band comparing how many women they've fucked. Once again Mick proves to be the only human being in the group. Who I think is supposed to be Ozzy in a dress comes around with money sticking out of his ass. Ozzy snorts...ants.

B: And pisses on the concrete. Both seem entirely like something Ozzy would do. Then licks it up. Oh Tommy sounds like he liked that

M: WHY AM I BEING MADE TO WATCH THIS. Ozzy is licking up Nikki's piss now. An aside from Doc says what we're all thinking.

B: Is this the indecent exposure incident??

M: Which one????

B: The one where Tommy was running through a hotel naked and some people got mad about it. And they arrested Mick instead.

M: Doc says they did stupid shit because they were Motley Crue. And now the mud wrestling sequence. 

B: They're acting like Vince was the most horny dude. Maybe he was but like - these other guys are also horny. Vince is like - Sharice you're my girl, move in with me, I won't fuck as many women. I was about to ask how these dudes had the energy to fuck this much but then oh yeah! Cocaine!

They’re soooo together!

M: Tommy is introducing people to his family and new fiancee? He has a few of them. Tommy's mom is SAVAGE. Tommy is coming across like a 12 year old with too much freedom.

B: That is basically accurate. 3 middle school boys and their dad who drinks a lot. 

M: Tommy and his new fiancee are having some...difficulties. 

B: This is not the last time Tommy will hit a woman. He had a bit of a temper.

M: I feel like you don't really need to watch this. You already are like...a Motley Crue historian. 

B: Oh we're just gonna drive drunk and leave Vince's pregnant wife here, I sure hope nothing bad happens! 

M: Oh yeah I forgot Tommy and Heather Locklear were a thing. 

B: "I love you." Tommy Lee to every woman he meets. It's the drummer from Hanoi Rocks in the car with Vince I think. And now death. This really did happen and yes he was drunk and yes that man died. 

M: But it's fine because they're in Motley Crue. 

B: Whoops! Uh oh. Oopsie Daisy. That man is dead. And it's your fault, Vince.

All the girls want to know - who’s the cutest boy on death row?

M: VINCE GETS 30 DAYS FOR MURDERING A DUDE. Wtf. Nikki is very sad that Vince is in jail but it's okay because he's on heroin now and Biscuits is never ever gonna have a heroin addiction because he can't stand needles. 

B: I can't even inject my own testosterone! And that doesn't even have to go into my veins! Vince has returned from uh...killing a guy.

M: Is he sober now?

B: Supposedly. No nevermind he's immediately snorting cocaine. And vomiting.

M: Oh he's snorting smack, no wonder he's sick. Nikki keeps blaming Vince for fucking up the band when he's busy injecting heroin every other scene. And missing repeated calls from his sad mother. Tommy Lee is in love every five minutes in this movie. Vince now has a kid I guess but she doesn't seem to like him much?

B: Well.....Theatre of Pain, are they gonna show Theatre of Pain Tommy Lee because I might have to take a break.

M: That's between you and jesus. Tommy Lee gives a life on the road montage where he shows everyone getting wasted and performing and then getting wasted again. Drink, snort and fuck everything in sight. It's a wonder they lived this long tbh.

B: All four of them are still alive actually!

M: It's honestly a miracle. This is hard to like...narrate because it's so chaotic. It's just like - watching a band go bonkers and slowly self destruct. (disclaimer: read til the end for the SHOCKING TRUTH about why it was so hard to narrate!)

B: That's the beauty of it all! It's 4th of July, we're recording this, well not recording it, but you know. There’s fireworks outside and fireworks on the screen. Nikki has mommy issues! Oh poor little meow meow. Come sit on my lap poor little meow meow!

M: People are gonna take you seriously.

B: I was joking there. Like 70 percent. 80 percent. Oh my god, not in your neck Nikki, ew.

M: I guess Tommy is getting married. Nikki is wasted as fuck.

B: You've got more opportunities Tommy! You'll have several more happiest days of your life! Nikki can't even put his suit jacket on. This your man? This your boy? Somebody come get him. Nikki Sixx did a LOT of heroin.

M: 1000 dollars a day is a lot of heroin.

B: Is this the part where he died?

M: You're the Motley Crue historian.

B: I'm not sure if this is that time when he overdosed or if he's just normal shooting up heroin. Wtf did you give him, I gave him heroin!

M: I'm guessing that's an overdose.

Hey guys...Kyle’s dead!

B: Nikki went to the great beyond! But he came back!

M: This was apparently before naxolo...naxostuff.

B: I think that's just adrenaline. I was happy, but I kept doing heroin! That's how drugs work, kids. Oh my god, they didn't need to show the vein thing more than once.

M: Well it's a good message to kids watching this. Drugs are gross. They will turn you into a bleeding arm gross man-thing. Now they're sober and shit and they hate each other.

B: They can't stand to be around each other when they're not high. They all had massive prima donna egos.

M: Hardly a shock. But they're all good clean boys now. Trying to have family lives and shit. And hating each other. A lot more. Vince is going to be a huge dick about this. He wants to have FUN. I really enjoy's Mick's little asides. He's just kind of in the background with his fucking vodka like - these dudes are all idiots.

B: Vince's wife left him. And he left the band.

M: If Pearl Jam is here their career is almost over anyway.

B: And then the 90's happened! It was a bad time for Motley Crue. Big manly rocker boy egos clash! I don't like you guys anymore! We're gonna get a new singer! John uh....Corabi. But they don't have a blonde guy anymore so it's never gonna work.

M: You can't have a buttrock band without a blonde guy!

B: Oh yeah Vince's daughter died of cancer, I forgot about that.

M: WHAT. That's super fucked up. Nobody likes new Motley Crue without Vince. He was kinda one of those unique voices. JohnBoy out here like WHOO I'M IN A ROCK BAND! He's about to be so disappointed.

Someone's gonna get a punch in the head. Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?

B: There's a whole crowd of people out here booing you!

M: Everything is going to Motley Hell. Vince's kid is dying, Mick isn't looking so hot, Tommy's Heather is leaving him, Nikki is just sulking.

B: Yeah we had a good ride, except for all the drugs and you know...death, and crime...and punishment...Vince's kid, yeah she died. Nikki visits his dad's grave.

M: And meets a half brother he didn't know he had?? What the fuck is this shit

B: Oh he means a FAMILY! He needs a family!

M: His own MOTLEY CREW. NIkki and Tommy make up and touch tips and go out to find Mick who is looking more and more like death warmed over every day. But to be fair, he's got a condition.

B: We're getting the band back together, even though they just broke up. Vince, we love you man. You're our blonde man, man. There may be a million other slutty blonde men out there but you're OUR slutty blonde guy. Sometimes a family is four dudes who do drugs.

M: They're gonna go perform again I guess? Long slow dramatic walk to the stage.

B: Maybe the real treasure...the REAL MOTLEY CRUE is the friends we made along the way! And some tasteful ass shots!

“ One day you’ll look back on this as the best time in your life.” “ I sure hope not!”

M: Priorities. I guess they played together for another 20 years for some fucking reason.

B: Until 2015 but...They're doing a stadium tour like...as we speak.

M: Why. I don't really have anything to add. Biscuits just hurt himself headbanging. Oh my god. I just realized I forgot to turn the speed down and we just watched that entire movie at 1.25 speed. No wonder Tommy Lee was talking so fast.

B: *chokes to death on laughter* I can't believe we did that.

M: That's so fucking funny.

B: It's so on brand. I THOUGHT the songs sounded weird!! Holy fuck, oh my god. I don't even have any closing thoughts now because that's so fucking funny. Closing thoughts: we are two of the dumbest people who've ever lived.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - THE REQUIN

IMDB BLURB: A couple on a romantic getaway find themselves stranded at sea when a tropical storm sweeps away their villa. In order to survive, they are forced to fight the elements, while sharks circle below.

WARNINGS: Cheesy gore, the ocean, unbelievably cheap CGI, unbelievable amount of yelling. Gifs include cheesy blood/gore and, unfortunately, terrible special effects.

RATING: A movie about a heroic shark that trying to rid the world of stupid people. ( shout out to chriztwisted on the imdb page )

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: I wanna give a quick shout out to Alicia Silverstone for her incredible lung power in this movie. Girl, you are an internet icon, wtf are you doing in this movie. There has to be a better way out there for you. This is some Lifetime Original shit. You're not going to see anything original in this god forsaken cookie cutter "shark" film, but you are going to root for the shark. Biscuits once again making margarita. People are gonna start to think you're an alcoholic.

Biscuits: Is this a shark movie? I don't know. We both watched this and all I remember is it sucked and these people are DUMB. What is this even called?

M: The Requin, which is french for shark.

B: I forgot about this backstory at the beginning!

M: So our main chick, Alicia Silverstone here, had a miscarraige? Either way she lost a baby. This will be really and not at all important throughout the film.

B: I don't know what this has to do with anything at all. She has a husband. Kyle, HusbandMan. He is as generic as she is. That's how the internet works, buddy, everyone is your therapist.

M: For context, the happy couple is going over some text messages from her friends. It adds no depth to the characters. We have not been told where they are or why.

B: They're on a vacation of some sort in a bungalow near some water in a place with palm trees. Could be Florida, could be the other side of the world. There's some establishing shots that imply an asian country.  Oh no the movie has now told us that they are in Vietnam.

M: Now a vacation montage! With some bad bad music.

B: This fully looks like an advertisement. I’m expecting an end card that says - Ask your doctor is Shlorpex is right for you. Side effects may include spontaneous human combustion. My margarita is crunchy. First world problems.

Ask your doctor if getting eaten by a fucking shark is right for you.

M: This has been going on for like five minutes.

B: To establish they're happy! This is just a movie about two white people who have a great vacation! They go to a war memorial!?

M: And ask white people questions. What is the point of this? I don't understand what any of this lead up has to do with the rest of the movie. Are we supposed to draw some parallel between her and Joan of Arc?

B: Now she's video chatting her mom? I didn't catch this part the first time we watched this.

M: There's so much work up to where ANYTHING HAPPENS. Like an hour of it.

B: She has family members. Like a mom and a sister so you empathize with her. I have family! We're so alike!

M: Side note, the acting is....incredible. The dialogue is also incredible.

B: So she lost her job, and her kid, which is kind of a big deal. And it looks like that might have been her last chance.

M: WOW.

B: Time runs out! She's getting up there! I'm just saying! How's Kyle? Oh he's fine! He seems like he's not sad at all about our dead child! Maybe we shouldn't do this review, I’m getting spicy in this one.

M: You are! Oh there's a hurricane, but feel free to video chat even longer. That literally went on for ten minutes. They could have cut like the entire first hour of this movie out.

B: My first review of the Requin, you can watch only the second half and get the same experience. Oh look, being on vacation has not served to make me no longer sad about my traumatic experience.

M: I'm still reeling from Kyle's dadbod.

B: Bring back Jared Leto.

M: No. But this movie might be improved by Jared Leto.

B: I'd pay attention for a couple seconds at least. Alicia at least has a natural looking body which is nice to see. They didn't try to make her or him look artificially hotter or anything.

M: Now a long pointless bit of them going swimming/scuba diving. And some stock footage, which there is a TON of. Like the dude just went on youtube and looked up scenes from underwater.

B: A turtle! I love sea turtles. Look at this wise creature - they always look like they've got some sage advice for you.

This stock footage of a sea turtle is the most exciting thing that’s happened in the movie so far.

M: Now Kyle has cut his foot like really badly on a rock and we're getting flashbacks to the worst pregnancy belly we've ever seen while Alicia has flashbacks to, I guess losing her baby. I'm still not sure what that has to do with the movie.

B: This isn't a movie about a woman dealing with the grief over the loss her her child though, it's about a fucking shark. You would not believe the turn it takes if you didn't know where it was going.

M: The shark doesn't even show up until an hour into the movie. Now she's crying and screaming again, she's gonna do this a LOT. Kyle is explaining that his wife isn't at fault while she stands in the water, crying about blaming herself.

B: The acting is really bad. Like, I might actually feel for the backstory if the acting wasn't really really bad. I have trouble reconciling that this is the same movie that the whole shark thing happens in.

M: *checks time* *sighs* Oh apparently vacation time is over because Alicia has PTSD and isn't having fun ANYMORE. So they're gonna leave. Except they're not.

B: Her name is Jaelyn. That's a Hobby Lobby shopper name right there.

M: What a white fucking name. Shout outs to all the Jaelyns reading this. We could literally skip ahead half an hour.

B: We gotta stop reviewing movies where nothing happens.

M: But shit is gonna happen! I also love that she saw a fucking hurricaine warning and not only didn't tell Kyle, but they're in a FLOATING VILLA.

B: And the hotel wasn't like - hey maybe we should evacuate the people from the floating bungalows.

The hurricane’s getting closer.

M: Kyle says it's fine though. Just a storm. No big. I wanna keep a tally of BAD DECISIONS. 1 - not mentioning the hurricane to kyle. 2 - not relocating. Okay so somehow they slept clear til their entire bungalow was flooded up to the bed and water is literally raining down on them but now they're awake! Kyle got thrown by some poltergeist and he's badly injured now. I guess the room thing is floating away. Alicia tries to make a call on a water logged phone.

B: His leg is broken and their fucking bungalow gets swept out to sea. This was a sad movie about a woman on vacation but now it's a disaster movie! And it turns into a shark movie! Hey you know that Motley Crue movie the girl at Sam Goody was talking about? It's on Netflix. We should watch it for Munchflix.

M: *stares* So anyway, bad decision three...they see themselves floating away and DON'T swim back to shore.

B: I don't know if I would, the water is very stormy.

M: And badly cgen'd. I would consider swimming if my other option is drifting out to sea??? Where I would die slowly and horribly??? I'd risk drowning.

B: A bad situation in general. Kind of not excellent for our dudes.

M: Alicia is hanging out the window of the bungalow and the cgi is so bad, this movie came out this year. Kyle throws her under the haus so she doesn't hit the big obvious rock and the ocean is suddenly remarkably calm. Hurricane over.

B: Kyle is in the remnants of the villa. His leg is REAL fucked up.

M: What are we gonna do? Make BAD decisions. Number four - we're gonna wait it out.

B: Again, you don't have a lot of options.

M: He's not even bleeding that much.

B: They put a tourniquet around it. Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, I'm just a drunk guy on the internet, but I feel like should not do that. You apply pressure to stop bleeding. If you're like at risk of bleeding out then a tourniquet will probably work, but he’s not bleeding that much. Again...I'm not Bear Grylls....but do you want gangrene? That's how you get gangrene.

M: That's just basic first aid tho. This does not require a doctorate. Don't tourniquet shit unless you absolutely have to. So that's number five. Now oh look...they're not land locked!

B: They're in the wreckage of a villa in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

They be in situations.

M: “We couldn't have drifted that far.” In a hurricane, Kyle?!? Alicia is gonna scream and cry some more. She's kind of mad that she didn't swim for help.

B: What's important right now is that we are fucking dying. Kyle tries to stand on his broken ass leg.

M: Number six. There's gonna be a lot more here real quick, these people never watched Man vs Wild.

B: Someone watched I Shouldn't be Alive and went - what if that but with bad acting?

M: Also they rip off the Shallows a lot. And that movie sucks too. We actually thought about doing it for Munchflix.

B: It's a similar kind of nonsense. Who was that even made for?

M: People who like Blake Lively?

B: Ryan Reynolds exclusively.

M: Alicia goes snorkeling without a snorkel to get some water bottles that have magically stayed under the villa this entire time. And a backpack. And some dramatic musical stings.  And a school of what look like fucking piranha. Who knows if they're even native, it's stock footage. Kyle actually says - Honey, what's wrong?

B: She literally says - I got scared by fish. ( Insert repeated attempts at a failed ‘me every time I go to...’ joke here. ) Kyle is trying to be the optimist, but optimism is really all they have. Little gallows humor here. Kyle is bleeding a lot into the water despite the fact that his wound seemed to have stopped bleeding. Wounds don't bleed forever, unless you're a haemophiliac, in which case he would be dead.

M: As far as I can tell, they're implying a compound fracture in his leg anyway because it's open through the skin. He would be having FAR bigger problems from that already anyway.

B: Oh by the way it's hot. Hot enough to burn the inside of Kyle's thigh. He is hot. Fun fact, heat is very dangerous. Especially if you're stranded in the middle of the ocean with no water.

M: So what do these idiots do? They take a nap in it. These two white people would be burned to SHIT. Alicia tries to signal a plane but there's no way in hell they'd see them.

B: If that's a commercial airliner it can't just swoop down and pick up some randos anyway. Could maybe send for help, but it can’t just stop and grab you like it’s a fucking bus.

M: Bad decision six? Seven? They decide to build a fucking FIRE in the villa, their only source of shelter, using a water bottle as a magnifying glass with wet wood and wet paper. Alicia is screaming again.

30 ways to set your only shelter on fire for $2 or less!

B: They look very sweaty. Fun fact, you can die of dehydration in a couple hours!

M: Doctor Biscuits in the house. Fire failed but it's fine because they're still lost at sea. And still laying in the sun. Like a couple of morons. They could like...move, or try to rig a shade structure.

B: Alicia is collecting moisture from a tarp. There's like zero indication of how much time has passed ever in this movie, but I guarantee these two motherfuckers are dead already of heat stroke. People have survived some really extreme situations in real life but people have also DIED in really extreme situations.

M: She screams at a distant boat and then decides to start a fire again. Her constant whimpering and moaning are just insane. Montage of her yelling while Kyle starts a fire in the fucking villa.

B: There's smoke. Congratulations, you set the villa on fire. When will you learn that your actions have consequences?

M: Not anytime soon! The entire villa goes up in flames. She tries to put it out by hitting it with a backpack.

B: She went to the Malin Ackermann school of firefighting. Now they have NO shelter. And Kyle is still bleeding somehow into the water. Is he, you know....(ominous music)

M: So now our idiots are floating on pieces of debris in the open ocean. Just like the end of titanic except that it's just like a twig. Now for another fake out jumpscare. There's dolphins. OH MY GOD DOLPHINS. Okay but you should legit be afraid of dolphins, they are vile.

B: I mean a dolphin might try to molest you but it probably won’t kill you.

M: *dies laughing* Alicia, adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean says - " We have to get out of the water!"

B: You'd better swim like there's...fuck, what’s something white people like? You better swim like there’s Blake Shelton at the other end of the pool!

M: How many times has Kyle's leg like actively made a cracking noise. Alicia is like utterly freaking, she is whimpering constantly.

B: I like how Kyle is the calm one. He's just chill. A dolphin! He jumps. Beautiful creatures of nature. Also that was a bottlenose dolphin and in the next shot those are not. Different dolphins. These fools can't tell the difference between species of dolphins.

M: So they paddled to a bigger piece of wood. Kyle's leg would be like...swollen and infected and like...gangrenous by now. Unless it's only been like an hour. We have no idea.

B: This is all my fault, woman continues to blame herself. Is this character development?

M: Is now really the time for this talk, Kyle?

B: All in all he seems like a nice man.

M: She is really awful though. Oh Kyle is coughing, he got pneumonia. Alicia assures him they're not gonna die. You remember when I saw you with that Pitbull? Why is it capitalized?

B: She didn't have a dog, she had Pitbull, the man. And she was like - well I could be dating literally anyone other than Pitbull so yeah, I'll go out with you. So yeah, white people dying at sea ‘like rock stars’. That's not how rock stars die. They die of a cocaine overdose or they get arrested or something. You're gonna have to eat Kyle and drink his blood for hydration.

M: You really are spicy.

B: The first time I watched this I was rooting for her to eat him the whole time! Spoiler alert! She doesn't eat him! This movie has such a low budget I feel like filming this was as dangerous in real life as it is in the movie. Kyle is still bleeding, he would be dead by now.

M: Oh yeah there's a shark now, and somehow it split the piece of wood they were on. Alicia yells FUCK YOU at shark, which would be a rock star death. She's stabbing it with a random piece of wood. That was a great white stock footage shark.

‘Thrashing in a sea of blood’ may sound like some sick heavy metal lyrics, but it’s actually way lamer than that.

B: Where is my husband? Based on the amount of blood, he's dead. Oh no he's alive, but the shark is biting his legs off. Kyle is like - I am dying RIGHT NOW you're gonna have to leave.

M: Because splashing a lot with a shark nearby and blood in the water is good idea number seven.

B: Just push Kyle's body off the raft at this point. He's fucking dead. I guess the shark is just gone? Now it's nighttime so at least one day has passed but it feels like more than that.

M: It would help if they gave us some clue. Kyle is still somehow on the "raft" but he's fucking dead. They found a key or something of land. Or she did. Kyle's dead. She's gonna cry and whimper again.

B: The shark bit both his legs off! He is DECEASED. I understand you're upset but my man is dead. They show his leg stumps while she cries.

M: Oh god now more flashbacks to her losing her baby for....some reason???? What is the point of that?? Woman vocalizes. Solemn music. Let your aaaaaaarms enfold uuuuuuuus. Now she's gonna have a dream sequence?

B: She hallucinates him walking toward her. I don't know what purpose this serves. He tells her to live. And then very creepily says - do you remember the feeling of the baby inside you? Simba, remember who you are.

M: Alicia wakes up in the sand.

B: I hate sand. It's coarse, rough, irritating. Gets everywhere.

M: Also still in the middle of the ocean. ( B: The ocean, Bob? You don’t know anybody in the ocean! ) Now it's raining. This bitch can't catch a break. She sadly watches the shark devour Kyle's remains. No, really. Oh shit the water is rising REALLY FAST.

B: Coral.png.

Those are some glossy saucy jpegs!

M: She's just gonna walk around in the coral with the sharks and get all cut up on some sharp coral jpegs and the shark comes up on land like sharks do and bites her fucking leg repeatedly but she's gonna grab a piece of coral and stab it.

B: The special effects look... really good. Also even though it looked like the shark was chewing her leg off, she's just got a wound there. She wraps her shirt around it and goes for a walk. Takes three steps and faceplants in the sand. The most relatable thing her character has done so far.

M: She would also be a much more serious situation considering how dehydrated and tired and hungry she is at this point. Somehow she can walk on that leg. The movie makes it look like she's crossing the fucking Sahara even though it's a sandbar.

B: How big can this key possibly be?

M: Wait, she found rocks. I thought she was on a sandbar?

B: Well they didn't have any establishing shot of the island so she could be on the goddamn moon for all we know. Also she's really good at climbing despite severe leg injury. She finds a local fisherman passed out in his boat.

M: She swimmy out to him and is like BITCH HELP. But he drunk. And asleep.

B: He's vibing. She tries to steal his water and realizes it is not water. He's like wtf with this white woman.

M: They have obvious “I don't understand what you're saying” conversation. But he can see that she is bleeding and he decides that he's gotta look at her wound.

B: He's gonna sew up her leg. Like just paddle your fucking boat back to land! It can't be that far! She was doing okay for the 12 hours or so she was fucking passed out for!

M: Bad decision number 12 or whatever, stitching up without clean instruments or fucking proper antiseptic. She don't like having booze poured on it but he's gonna have some too so it's fine. This goes on for too long for no reason. He doesn't even properly stitch it up, he puts in like one stitch.

B: Maybe they just abbreviated the scene unlike every other scene. And we think maybe the movie is coming to a close, ,aybe he'll take her back to town - but first he's gotta get his crab cage.

M: Woman's dying in my boat but whatever.

B: Fucking tourists. The sharks are near! Like she can telepathically sense the sharks. He's a fisherman, wouldn't he know there's sharks around here??

M: His severed arm floats up and she's screaming again but she's trying to pull up the anchor but OH NO IT'S A SHARK. The shark grabs him and he grabs her and pulls her in the water.

A very serious film dealing with the heavy subjects of grief and loss.

B: Now they're both in the water so that's a bigger problem. She's like nah man, fuck you, you're on you're own. She does try to haul him up into the boat but the shark is back and it has grown SIGNIFICANTLY.

M: The shark that took limbs off other people just kind of nibbled her. She gets the anchor up after some serious whimpering. She's amazingly strong all things considered.

B: The fisherman had a propeller tho so she's gonna use it to fucking fight the shark. She's gonna chainsaw the shark with this propeller. Shark takes it like a champ tho.

M: NOT TODAY, SHARK. Oh also she can't see land anywhere else so where the hell is she gonna go. The shark is coming BACK for some reason, but the propeller is out of juice and the cgen is oh....man....

B: *chefs kiss*

M: Oh man...an even LARGER cgen shark jumps out of the water and flips over the boat and Alicia is still whimpering, but the anchor has dropped again and this shit is getting The Shallows all over. She's tied up in the ropes tho.

B: It bites the anchor tho, and into the brain and DEATH.

M: Because that would happen. So now she's alive and the shark is dead and she's gonna climb onto the overturned boat thing and LIIIIIIVE. But not without whimpering ever more.

B: She's finally safe from Shia LeBouf.

M: Turns out there's land like....10 feet away.

B: The people are like hey it's whatsisass's boat but he's dead so she lives I guess.

M: And now some amazing Hayley Westenra style music again and Alicia floats slowly to safety and the movie is over.

B: *moans loudly making up his own lyrics* WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND HNNNGGGGG

M: Stunts? There were stunts?

B: Water safety.

M: Shoutouts to the...covid officers??

B: I guess for covid safety rules?

M&B: THE PRODUCERS WISH TO THANK FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY!

M: Oh god closing thoughts. Uh....I mean we review bad movies but this one really isn't worth your time. You saw the gifs. That's as good as it gets. Ever. The acting is bad, the cgen is bad, the plot is bad, and confusing, the people are dumb, and the point is lost.

B: This movie is kind of fascinatingly bad. I mean, like, it was kinda entertaining, but it's not good. The acting is pretty terrible and you don't actually care about any of the characters. But it's sorta got that 'watching a train wreck' vibe about it, you just can't look away.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.