#like i didn't get to see bea's backstory at all

[000png]

i know i'm 7 years late but i just finished playing night in the woods and damn.... DAMNNNN. what a gem of a game

[silly-goofy-vibes]

i watched rwrb movie last night. my thoughts (book and movie spoilers obvi):

alex was NOT mentally ill enough

they cut june and luna??

who is this miguel guy and why does he feel so evil

bea is barely in it

and she also gets no backstory???

pez is so gorgeous i wish they had shown him more

their friend group only gets like one scene together

the museum scene was really awkward LOL

because they cut luna and june the campaign stuff was so much less prevalent like alex's texas plan just like. got to happen. june wasn't there to try to be like "hey maybe you should cut back you're deeply mentally ill" and also luna not being there meant that there was no triple agent thing with stakes to be revealed at the end after they got outed

june not being there took so much away from alex's speech about getting outed because she didn't write it

they just like. cut everything not pertaining to alex and henry getting together

the sex scenes were so awkward like in the hotel alex's key kept hitting henry in the face

and the polo montage of henry's ass bouncing was an odd choice

i really really liked zahra

henry's actor looks a little inbred it was fitting

they cut so so much of the progression of their relationship also like it just went from zero to 100 with no in between because the emails were rushed and all the pining was gone

alex's parents weren't divorced??

why is it henry's grandfather instead of grandmother why are we trying to be respectful to lizzie dying

i liked the turkey scene that was funny

i have a lot more thoughts about it and i'm gonna rb when i think of more on my second and third watches but like. the main issue i have with the movie is they cut out all the stakes with the election and also a lot of the personal relationships between the characters that made the book feel so special and personal. it was ok? and i'd imagine it's certainly better if you have not read the book beforehand. enjoyable overall but it didn't keep the parts of the book that i most wanted to see adapted. 6/10 for what i expected and i was pleasantly surprised at times.

[alitgblog]

alright s9 vol 5 thoughts: the episodes are getting less interesting to me but also shit I might be becoming a Hamish fan

I had a bunch of gems saved up because I got a bunch of the rewards from playing s4 episodes and also because I was slowly replaying S4, I kept getting the daily log in gems and the ones from watching ads, so I was fully prepared to use them this volume. And then oh nope I'm not even remotely interested in the drama they're asking me to pay to learn. Like I think I got one of the new dresses because I was sick of the t-shirt dress, but that's it.

"Woah woah woah I still don't know what's going on here" has basically been the name of the last two seasons with how much you gotta pay to listen to drama that mc conveniently wasn't around for

So Melissa gets dumped and her partner also gets dumped but he doesn't say much, which you'd think because no matter which route you're on, he did briefly have a thing for MC, he'd at least say something to her. Or there'd be an opportunity for a hug or closure? Nope. Goodbye, Henri. (And I played this on the fourth of july, that's just unAmerican 😤).

Then comes the highlight of the episode for me, which is the impressions game, because it could've worked so well and yet it happens soooo fucking badly.

But like the sticky notes on their foreheads, sure. It's like an easy gimmick to change the sprites so the game feels different. Like every time that they bring out the hideaway box, it's mildly exciting but mostly corny. But then it spoils which islander is coming up next, so why couldn't they have done it one at a time? Like show Will's name on Finn's forehead first, and then when that's done, THEN Kelly pulls out Bea's name and puts that on her forehead. And we shouldn't be able to see MC's note. Like let us guess and potentially be wrong lol.

Another even easier way to do this, is just drawing names out of a hat so the person pulling has to do an impression. Then MC has more opportunities to guess (like it's more engaging for the player than just reading what everyone else is doing). And like most of the writing would be the same I think. Like MC's partner is bad so instead of saying anything Alfie actually does he just says "oh... it rhymes with Galfie?" and then Hamish can still show off and guess each one if MC doesn't get it, or even if MC does get it then he still starts explaining every islander's backstory.

I also think someone needed to have done something absolutely unhinged for Stefan's name. Like Kelly is like "omg I wasn't even thinking putting his name in" which like I don't believe her, that's kinda shady, but also just kinda boring. Maybe the producers set up the game, or if the islanders do that's fine (like just have Kat or Melissa do it instead bc maybe they want to swoop in and take MC's partner). But like if we say it's the way I described above, then Kat's partner should've been like oh I can do an impression, and then straight up kissed MC, or like did a little speech about how he wants her back, or recited something from when Stefan was upset she didn't leave the villa with him (like it's an opportunity to drop more Stefan lore the way they've been doing it, which I agree is really annoying, but just to continue the trend). And then MC of course can choose the right answer, some other islander, or just be like uhhh wtf??? And then just kick off some more drama that way.

Also the impressions started off strong with Will and then quickly just explaining what happened to that islander. Like, ever heard of show not tell? Even for Ivy, I think it would be so easy to just bring up her checklist but instead they go for "sexy librarian energy"???? tf?? On behalf of Ivy, I'm offended at that description actually. And now you got me out here defending IVY of all people.

Uh anyway, so yeah my favorite bit was Hamish being really into Love Island lore.

And like I said, I don't believe Kelly when she says she didn't mean to put Stefan's name in there. Like I don't think it'll amount to anything, but because it seems like everyone's getting the universal, default Finn being into MC route (getting Suresh treatment), I'd rather it actually be her being kind of shady on purpose. Like she's jealous actually because Finn has already told her he doesn't want to be with her and wants to be with MC. And then give the wlw players a friends to enemies to lovers route with Kelly to change it up a little.

Oh right there was an excess baggage challenge this volume. It feels too late in the game. I think we need another fun challenge, comparable to the S2 paint challenge or the cake one. I feel like we don't get many of those anymore. I think an obstacle course-esque one is fun, because you can a few quick prompts that don't really affect the game but keep the player engaged. Like the games day in S8 but less pay to win prompts.

nothing notable from the baggage though imo. like even the Finn stuff was boring. also I kinda hate him doing hosting roles post love island, idk seems like he'd more fo all in with his brewery stuff and vacationing but instead he's tied to Love Island gigs? like I see that for like Tim because he's basically like Kem from UK S3 and for a while kem did just do hosting gigs for a while so it's not unrealistic to think an islander is making an appearance somewhere else, I guess I just don't see that for Finn. and like I could think of several islanders from any of the new seasons I'd pick before finn. Honestly even Hamish I would understand.

But I only bring up the excess baggage thing because MC and Hamish crawling around trying to listen in on drama is actually so fun. Like it just feels like a S2 Bobby thing to do and I appreciate that. I do hope Hamish's route isn't ruined and also that it only happens if you romance him, because I would want this type of moment to happen even if y'all were just friends, because we get so few friends in the game these current seasons.

Then we get to Finn's pool chat. I just wish, if it were as open as he said it was, then it wouldn't be a secret late night rendezvous situation. Like have the chat in the daylight if you're not afraid, you coward. Idk gave me kinda icky vibes just like in S5, so I said no even though I do think Finn could still be a really good friends to lovers route, like on the level of Jake, but the ball is constantly being dropped with him.

and so little has happened for Finn (that we the audience know of) between this episode and last volume where nearly the same thing happens in the shower and Finn rejects MC if she tries to kiss him (and so I rejected him this time lmao)

I saw the word double and I was afraid Marshall and/or Ozzy were gonna show up as hosts for the date (as if hosts for a date make any sense)

And having them switch dates is kind of a fun twist if not for the fact that the twist last time was that MC went on dates with Lyle and Jude and Chen went on dates with Kelly and his ex. Chen cannot catch a break and for all the loyal girls, wheres their time with their LI?? Like, I like the idea, but maybe it could've been saved for a different season? It just feels irritating to do it back to back. Especially when they've been in there and long enough that Chen and Natasha already know they don't like each other, and it feels like an excuse for Kat and Finn to have some drama we have to pay to listen to.

But you do get to talk to Hamish about Natasha, which feels like it could've been a friendly chat in the villa and we didnt need a date excuse. But alas, we don't get chill chats in the villa anymore 😭

and his little confession!!

Anyway,,, why am I kinda jumping ship for Hamish rn likeeeee... idk I like an individual route and I'm not liking where Finn's at rn soooo

I'm hoping for some Kelly villain vibes just for a little bit (like I said, give the wlw players an frenemies to lovers with her). Like she seems pissed about the note, and I feel like maybe she can possibly recognize Finn's handwriting? That'd be fun.

And then back to challenges, it feels too early for snog marry pie. I don't think they're doing a casa this season, just based off of leaks of islander names I don't think there's enough, but snog marry pie in my head is always around casa or after, and it just feels too early for even casa. But then again, we're on like 15 of 42, so maybe it's fine.

Yeah so overall, I don't even really remember too much. Like it's feeling like S7, and I didn't finish season 7, but I do think I'll finish this one because I'm so curious how the Finn route will go and if they'll drop the ball with Hamish and also with Stefan. And also I like making these weekly posts so I might even just keep going for that alone. but also I enjoy slow burn and second chance romance plots and drama anyway so that could make the season better for me we'll see

[bestocship]

Sawyer Hale and Beau Eris (@threedeemensional @thewikiplayer)

despite the literal universes worth of separation, against expectation bea and sawyer manage to somehow cross paths in the multiverse. After musical rebels Bea and Bella attempted to save Sawyer from his terrible dad, they quickly became friends with him once he was safe and sound. There, Bea and Sawyer's relationship became one of best friends, before eventually becoming pining, and later romance. Sawyer and bea are a bit clumsy, considering this is their first time in a committed relationship, but their love is true and genuine. They both make each other better while also very much enabling each other's silly gay wrongs (a few crimes here and there). They love each other at their worst and best.

ONE ANSWER. they're the poster children of committed teenage romance. Highschool sweethearts that Last. They're not perfect and they're very clumsy, and they're still trying to get the hang of this, but clumsiness is just another beautiful part of it. Sawyer makes Bea braver and Bea makes Sawyer softer. They represent escaping the prom venue to sit on a hill under the stars instead; realizing how hard you've fallen when you see the other playing happily in the rain; cracking jokes in flower mazes; appreciating their beauty in the light of the TV screen, tuning out the movie. Teenage Romance. and i think that's really cute

Janis and Anon (@end-orfino)

They have a very long history, starting as a weird friendship in first grade. While said friendship started out as Anon trying to convince Janis to join the cult that was controlling their town (that Anon's fam was a huge part of), Anon went through a hell of an arc over the years and by the time they were teens they managed to have a healthy, although secretive relationship. Later on they had to separate due to Janis deciding to run away from said town, but after some heavily traumatizing events influencing both of them Anon followed her steps and they had enough luck to reunite at an abandoned castle in the nearby woods. Right now, around 9 years later, they're known as the two 'witches' who live in said woods that scare off anyone who comes near. Due to everything that happened to them and all the times they had to rely on no one but themselves, their relationship has some hidden issues related to being too dependent and attached to one another, but it's fixable so long as they'll manage to hear each other out and put in the effort to change for the better.

TL;DR: They've known each other since they were kids and witnessed each other grow and change, starting off a relationship they had to keep hidden in their teens. They supported and protected each other as best as they could through harsh times, and right now they live together in the woods with an urban legend surrounding their existence. They have some issues that can allow for their relationship to be called a bit unhealthy, but it's not beyond saving.

They have a great backstory that I struggle with getting out of my head. They went from a slightly false friendship to a genuine friendship to lovers. They were ready to sacrifice anything for each other, from letting one go in hopes that she'll find a better place for herself to killing a much bigger threat just to make sure that the other was going to be safe, even if they didn't think they'd ever see each other again. They managed to get through thick and thin with each other and have attachment problems. They practice magic together enough that they perfected ancient tricks that haven't been used for centuries. They're the perfect example of something living in my head rent free and I'm obsessed with these two. They're SO great and I love them and I hope others will like them too :)

Also if this is going to help anyone, their relationship sometimes feels similar to that of Jenny and Sophie from TWF and Raeda from TOH? I'm strictly talking about the vibes I'm getting from these duos, they weren't really inspired by them directly.

[therivergirl]

Beakley twins AU part 4

Ok, so far I was mostly dealing with the backstory. Now we're getting into series proper and it requires a bit more thinking on my part. This is turning into a light rewrite now. Here I'll address some major things from AU version of S1, but specifics will come later.

Yes, some things, character interactions, motivations, and arcs will be changed because I don't want to just go with "and Lizzy and Bea tagged along" all the time.

The fact that Webby didn't grow up alone, of course, changes her character somewhat. The same goes for Bentina who now had a whole decade to interact with her sister. And their relationship is still not where it should be.

One thing to establish, at the begging of the series, the boys are a bit over 10, Lizzy is a bit over 8 and Webby is 10 and a half, going on 11.

-while Scrooge is as reclusive as ever, Webby and Lizzy both managed to form a bond with LP

-when the boys come, they hit it off with Webby very quickly, but take a bit longer with Lizzy for a few reasons. First, Lizzy can be quite shy. Second, they can all have a mean streak and be rumbustious and Lizzy is rather sensitive and doesn't get their teasing often. And third, while I won't have them pull any "oooh, that is for girls, ew" shit, they can be a bit dismissive of Lizzy's more calm nature and interests, especially Dewey.

-however, as soon as they realize they hurt her, ther feel truly bad and try to fix it. She is a tad closer to Huey and Louie but they all start to see each other as family

-the sisters never really had a conflict, like they had spats but never really fought or clashed, unlike the triplets. This is partially because they have more similar personalities but partially because they only ever had each other and because they each...kinda forced themselves to enjoy the other's interests.

-thy are both very reluctant to admit they need their own space, thinking it would make them bad sisters, Webby especially. Also, Lizzy starts feeling left behind a bit, especially once Lena comes into the picture. This all brings conflict between the girls.

[gaycey-sketchit]

(Gary anon) Masters seems to be alleviating it for Blue somewhat, but of course, it's not a title most of the fandom is going to play. (Yeah, friendly rivals aren't bad. But you're not as motivated to beat them compared to rivals antagonize you. Anime-wise, what constitutes as a rival according to the fandom is mainly battles. Ran into quite a few people who struggle to call Gary a "real rival" just because he only battled Ash twice; as if Ash wasn't trying to beat him in any way possible.

.

(Part 2) Trip battled more during his rivalry, and look what happened to him. Even without coming off of Paul as a factor. But I digress.) I can believe the idea of Gary going to a contest or too. He can watch League matches despite retiring from badge quests and go on different types of research missions; him studying stuff from Contests like Ash has sounds plausible. (Since he likes to dress up, he'd fit right in) It's always fun when VAs get to add onto their characters, but they do

(Part 3) risk [unintentionally] forming chaos when they do. *eyes shipping fandoms* (True, though that depends on how much Gary shows up, much less his Pokemon. At least if him and Ash battle again, there'd be a little bit more to it. Aside from Nidoqueen, Scizor and Blastoise a little, his Pokemon didn't emote very much during the Johto League. Especially compared the Harrison fight) We still have at least a full year left to get a backstory, but I'm expecting things

(Part 4) to get a bit more tight here with all the main plots being built up. (Welp, Ash and Bea's battle's finished. While a cool moment for Lucario, I think I prefer the Volkner fight as a whole more. Winter special preview also dropped. Right on schedule, a month before it releases and with another poster. Team Rocket's here. Dawn, Cythnia and Infernape confirmed coming back. More than just time shenanigans happening this time)

Man I love Masters for that. Like, I understand why a lot of people wouldn't be into it, my interest in actually playing the game wanes periodically, but I'll at least open the app so Blue can tell me good morning. I love all his dialogue, he's so good and he talks about Red so much.

Yeah, I like them but beating them makes me feel so bad sometimes. Especially when they end up losing confidence because of it.

Yeah. I understand why people would base the strength of a rivalry in the anime on battles, but the thing is Ash and Gary's rivalry went deeper than battles. It's implied they were rivals before they even got their first Pokemon. Like, despite lack of battles between them, it just feels incorrect to say they didn't have a strong rivalry considering how much influence they had on each other. (And as the OG rival, Gary was the blueprint for a lot of future rivalries throughout the series--most notably how May and Drew's iconic rivalry in AG was clearly a parallel to Ash and Gary's--and he deserves credit for that.)

There's definitely a lot of things that can make a rivalry--like, I don't think anyone finds Paul and Ash's rivalry so strong just because of their battles (though the battles were good); it's about how Paul is Ash's antithesis and they have this conflict of principles that makes the stakes feel so much higher.

Yeah, I figure if Ash can compete in the occasional contest for fun, why not Gary? It suits him. (He'd definitely break out the cape again.)

It's good stuff! We have to remember it's still just one person's headcanons, of course, but it's still very cool. Yeah, some people, especially shippers, can get pretty intense about stuff, but it's still fun. (In general I am not a fan of people asking actors/VAs about ships specifically, because the things that can spark in fandoms are Not Great, but it's kind of funny when they respond in a way you'd expect the character to.)

True, true. I guess we'll have to see how things go.

Ooh, neat! I'll have to take a look at that preview and also finally get caught up on the important episodes I've missed, I've been so distracted. Speaking of things in December, we should be getting another batch of dubbed episodes added to Netflix then I think? Since it's mostly been an "every three months" thing except for that one delay.

[punkscowardschampions]

Fraze & Bea

Fraze: The fuck Fraze: We gonna act like last night didn't happen Bea: No Bea: I had to go up town, I've not got Fearghal a gift yet Fraze: Cheers for telling me Fraze: I woke up and you weren't fucking here Bea: It's not a big deal, I've not been here every other morning for however long and you've been just fine like Bea: Sorry, I forgot to leave a note Fraze: Fuck off. It's not every other morning Fraze: Are you? I can't go back to this bullshit Bea: Of course I am Bea: Don't actions speak louder? Bea: Well we will have to go back Bea: Summer don't last forever does it Fraze: These actions are saying something too, Bea Fraze: We don't have to do anything. Fuck that. What do you wanna do? Bea: Yeah but I didn't leave leave Bea: I thought about it but I couldn't Bea: Not yet Bea: You know, its truly amazing you made it through mandatory schooling with that authority aversion never mind optional Bea: Skipping's less fun now, huh? Fraze: Not ever Fraze: Come on, you know you got me through it Fraze: Don't do this Fraze: Come back and fucking talk to me Bea: Well, ditto Bea: you made everyone stop being such dicks to me Bea: you're just going to call me crazy Bea: and I am but I don't think I can hear it, never mind even try to explain what I'm thinking or feeling Fraze: I'd do it all again, every day of that shit Fraze: I know how you feel about me Fraze: Start there Bea: See, I don't want to, I don't want to go back to being that angry and scared and Bea: but I am Bea: even before he came out really, just being without you, having to work out who I am when I'm not part of BeaandFraze Bea: but its only gotten worse since, the timing had to have crossed your mind Bea: What if, its worse this time? And I've got bigger problems for you to sort than bitchy little girls Bea: I don't want that for you, it isn't part of the plan Fraze: Being without you was never part of the plan Fraze: I don't want that Fraze: Nothing can be worse than these months apart, not speaking, seeing you Bea: You deserve so much better Bea: That's what I should want for you, am trying to Bea: but I'm selfish and I can't stay away Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: We're the same Fraze: Not being close to you makes me wanna die Fraze: I feel like I am Bea: Fraze Bea: I don't know who I am, I'm changing, I don't think I can be who you want any more Fraze: You're not who you were when you were 7 or 17 Fraze: I loved you then Fraze: I love you now Fraze: I've changed. I'm not asking you to stay the same Bea: I want to be who I was when I was good Bea: because what if you stop? Bea: and I'm stuck being someone I don't like and someone you can't love Fraze: Fuck good and bad, it ain't that simple Fraze: We aren't, none of us Fraze: I've fucked up, have you stopped loving me? Fraze: You can't control this shit like that, babe Bea: No Bea: but you're not fucked up Bea: haven't been fucked up, made dirty, broken Bea: I know but I can't control anything these days Bea: I'm a wreckhead, like you said Bea: You should be with someone whole Fraze: Fuck off of course I am Fraze: And you know the whole story, same as I know you aren't broken or dirty. That's him Fraze: I shouldn't have said that. I'm a cunt. I didn't mean it Fraze: I should be with you. I want to be Bea: What if that's what it is, a story Bea: that we told ourselves to get through it Fraze: It's real Fraze: Everything I feel and everything I've done, bad shit included Bea: but am I? Bea: I'm just fake fake fake Bea: I don't wanna be me, have my backstory, I want to be better, do better Bea: but its never going away is it Fraze: Nah. You're the truest thing I've got Fraze: If it wasn't it wouldn't fucking hurt this bad Fraze: You're gonna do fucking epic things. You already have Bea: I really am sorry, you believe me now, don't you? Bea: We were Bea: Together Bea: Why did it go so wrong? Fraze: I always did, babe Fraze: I couldn't handle how sorry I was. Or that it wasn't enough Fraze: We listened to other cunts instead of each other. Ourselves Fraze: We know what we want and what we've gotta do. Always have, yeah? Bea: It wasn't your fault Bea: None of it Bea: but I had to use any ammo I could get my hands on Bea: Yeah Bea: I'm just terrified of not getting it Bea: If you leave it fucks up the whole equation, I don't want any of the rest without you Fraze: I've gotta take my share of the blame Fraze: You've gotta let me Fraze: I fucked around. I hurt you. It doesn't fucking matter if that's what we agreed Fraze: I wanted to hurt you 'cause I was hurting not having you Fraze: 'Cause I'm the cunt not smart enough for Cambridge Fraze: Maybe I'll hold you back from it all Bea: But you ain't a mind reader Bea: you were just respecting what I said I wanted Bea: even if I was just bullshitting, that's on me Bea: No one here has half your brains Bea: just big big funds and an ego to match Bea: You wouldn't, you never have, you push me Fraze: But I knew you didn't want it. Me either Fraze: I should have fucking said. Before now Fraze: I push too hard. Always have Fraze: I'm sorry, Bea Bea: Why did you do it then? If you didn't want to Bea: That's so messed up, I'm sorry Bea: you could've just pretended like I did Bea: No, I need it Bea: I need you Bea: I wouldn't be where I am without you, I wouldn't be anywhere Fraze: See, I'm fucked Fraze: I wanted you to tell me to stop Fraze: When you didn't I reckoned I was wrong, that you did want to go along with this bullshit like Fraze: And then I couldn't stop 'cause I couldn't handle you being with anyone else Fraze: It's sick Bea: Oh, Fraze Bea: I thought it was what you wanted, needed Bea: I had to give you the chance to see if you were going to end up with someone else Bea: I already knew there was no one else for me but I couldn't stand it if you never had the chance Bea: see the world for yourself, without me there colouring your judgment Bea: I know it was the worst and the amount doesn't matter but it did only happen once, I'm not lying Fraze: How the fuck didn't you know I felt the same? Fraze: How else can I prove it? Fraze: You're what I need and want Fraze: The world is ours, babe Fraze: Still can be Bea: Yeah but it was fucking stupid 'cos neither of us could commit Bea: both of us too proud to admit defeat and call it quits Bea: We're both idiots Bea: Are you sure? Fraze: I'm a stupid cunt Fraze: But I know my own mind Fraze: Tell me we can start again Bea: We can start again Bea: where from though? Fraze: Million dollar fucking question like Fraze: How far back do you wanna go? Fraze: I want you to be safe not scared Bea: to just before we left Bea: that was the best time Fraze: Then we will Fraze: We can have it all again Bea: I love you Fraze: I love you Fraze: Come home Bea: Okay Bea: Can I stay? Fraze: I'm not letting you leave Bea: You have no idea how much I've missed you Fraze: I do Fraze: Tell me again though Bea: I'll go one better and show you Fraze: Good Fraze: Where are you? Fraze: I can come and pick you up Bea: Good idea Bea: bet there's already a houseful Bea: [sends location] Fraze: Yeah Fraze: I'm not sharing you Fraze: I'll leave now Bea: Get here now Fraze: Trust me it'll be worth the wait, babe Bea: That's a lot to live up to Bea: any time is too long, 2 months nearly kiled me Fraze: I know Fraze: It did kill me Bea: Well I best revive you then hm Fraze: Big talk Fraze: 10 minutes, yeah? Can you handle that Bea: If I must Bea: I'll do my best to survive like Fraze: Cheers Fraze: Appreciate it

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Ro

Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.

Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞