#like i wasnt aloof and mysterious i was so stressed by the job and meeting so many new people i felt physically ill

[clownboy-yeehonk]

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[billweaslys]

im just so sad like i thought he was the one !!!!! i was in love w him for years n it didnt work out n that sucks !!!!! n we broke up 4 months ago but im so shitty at processing my FKIN emotions !! and sooooo much abt him was so great he is one of the best people i know hes amazing n i loved him n i care about him still so much but it wasnt right !!! we werent right for each other! n he blames me but that was the situation !! but what if he is right? what if i just gave up and didnt give enough and didnt compromise enough n ive wasted a good thing ? n im moving to another city on the other side of the world in a month n in my head im just picturing me meeting someone n them being perfect n finding my soulmate but .. like im still me? i consistently fuck up any kidn of possible relationship like its my fkin JOB n thats not going to change just bcos im in another country. i always go for guys that are so nice but just ... not exciting? enough for me. guys that are aloof and quiet n i get drawn in by the mystery but then it just turns out theyre pretty quiet guys n then i get bored n then i feel bad bcos theyre lovely and genuine n care abt me and im just the bitch who dumps them cos theyre ‘too nice’ when its my own fault for not seeing the situation and them as they actually were. i just want someone who is fun !! really fun who makes me laugh my butt off an d makes everything funner n brighter but i always go for these broody boys who are way too emotional for me n then freak out and put us both through a load of pointless sadness n stress. i just feel like i never actualyl know what im feeling. either in the moment or after . i feel like i just make up my feelings and lie to myself and other people n i dont know what my actual genuine emotions about anything are. like my only feelings are yes and no. either i like somehting n its good or i just feel nope n dont wanna. im like a child. n ill just stop feeling a situation n i dont know why and i dont know if i genuinely dont like the situation or i just freak out n get scared. like did i actually want to break up with tom bcos it wasnt right or did i just get scared of the idea of deep feelings n responsibility n bolt. n EVEN IF i was right n im jsust overthinking it all now, how do i stop worrying about him so much. he was dealing with a lot of shit and i just left him ??? i just made everything worse for him and did the one thing he was the most scared of. like his worst nightmare was me breaking up with him and i knew that but i still did it ??? an what if hes super depressed n what if he doesnt let anyone into his heart again for a long time bcos of me what if i forced him to come out of his shell and open up to someone else and put himself out there and make himself vulnerable only to turn around and hurt him as hard as possible. no thats not even a what if ! thats what happened !! thats what i did to him . i made him trust me and love me and depend on me and then i left. n i HATE myself for that. i dont knwo why im putting this on fucking tumblr dot com but i just need to work out these feelings n my friends are sick of hearing about him lol its been four months since we broke up n i still havent dealt with this shit properly. n i think the issue is i dont know how. i avoid all negative feelings bcos i have no idea how to process  them i just dissociate until i forget abotu them. i dont know how to process this guilt and sadness fuck my life