#like i've seen it time and time again where a trans person vents about something and the backlash they recieve is for 'the optics' of it...

[uncanny-tranny]

The effort to turn every trans person into a political activist and place the burden of political leadership onto us is the same mindset as thinking trans lives are inherently political. Combating this means holding trans people to individual standards. If a trans person occupies political spaces, it should be because they have chosen to, not because people look at their transness and the "political implications" and it is all they can see

[moxpunk]

Sometimes, I really hate the alienation I experience in trans spaces because of my asexuality.

I live in such a frustrating middle-ground. I'm a very sex-positive asexual person that enjoys physical intimacy and has a few kinks, which makes it impossible for me to exist in openly-sexual trans spaces or typical ace spaces without feeling like I'm on the outside frequently.

I'm a soft girl, my limits on kinks are relatively low compared to most other trans women I'm friends with. Breeding is right out, can't handle pain well, vore is a bit of a phobia, transformation is absolutely not my jam, and I'm not fat because I gain — I'm just naturally fat. When most spaces I've interacted with have an overwhelming number of people into a combination of those kinks, I feel silly being the one girl that wants to be hit with pies or to sit on cakes. I have nobody to relate to.

In asexual spaces, on the other hand, there's the predominant sentiment that ask physical affection and intimacy is seen as abhorrent. I like physical intimacy, I enjoy being touched in erotic ways, I deeply enjoy other people in a sexual context — I'm just deeply uncomfortable with the act of fucking and penetration. So, I feel like the weird freak when I talk about how much I enjoy that intimate realm of human connection when my peers want to vomit at the mere thought of kissing someone. Again, I don't have anyone to relate to.

Finding a space dedicated to my kink doesn't work out either because there's just so much transphobia in the relatively small online community. I'm like the biggest person on Tumblr/Cohost that has my kink, and I'm incredibly small-time. Zero way I can start a community myself, because I've tried.

To be clear, this isn't about social media posting or whatever. I block and mute tags as needed, and I'd never suggest folks not Post Stuff. This is more about Discords and forums.

I don't know where I wanted to go with any of this. I guess to vent my frustrations, or something. What set me off was a few comments back-to-back directed at me from multiple platforms from both realms. People in the one space flirting with me by saying they want to eat me or knock me up, while people in the other space tell me that I can't talk about my asexual relationship to my kinks.

Blegh. Exhausting.

[dianight]

Venting. Long.

Today I checked the piece of paper I was given for my second appointment and as it turns out I have to go in person to the hospital again(!?) just to actually get the appointment.

Last time I asked(!) if that was it after all the talking and it was like, "yeah next time we get your levels and if all is good you can start". I got the thingy for the bloodwork, informed consent pages and this little piece of paper with the date and hour for my next consultation.

What do you know, it literally says "IMPORTANT: After your consultation, request an appointment with this sheet on this center" (<- paraphrased). I literally started sweating cold. But I asked! I asked if that was it! How can you not tell me that I need to go and ask IN PERSON for another appointment when I'm there?

And I just checked out of curiosity because I was going to ask if I can get a ride. Bus drops me too far and it takes too long to come back. Worst case scenario I just carry some lunch and spend the day out. No big deal. But then. I see this shit.

What if it's actually done and I don't really have to go in person? What if they set it up? Then why does it not show online? The platform is dogshit, takes ages to load and it says "no appointments". But is it true? I don't know. I can't know. It's saturday night and I decide to be smart and prepare shit, ask people with some notice just to see if I can get something done.

It took me more than 30 minutes panicking while laying in bed to realize. Wait. I can literally call the hospital. Ahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhh(!!!). I can call them. Right. But I need to wait until monday morning because they for sure will not answer on the weekend. Doesn't matter if it says it's open. I WILL call them tomorrow. But I have zero hope that it'll do anything.

And I'm lucky(!) that I decided to reread it. Can you imagine if I went there. And they don't call me. Not even the shame or whatever, I care not about that. But I've been waiting for so! long! Almost 9 years. More if you count those before that, when I didn't know one can just be(!) trans. That happens to other people. Surely not me.

You know the one good thing about taking so long? You get to see what others think of you before they know what they think of you. You don't learn who's safe, but you do learn who's unsafe(!).

And you know the thing about cutting people out of your life? It does spare you from the transphobia, but can you even explain to someone you've shared a good chunk of your life with "you are a danger to me"? You can't. They don't understand. No words to make them see.

And I've tried. Given more chances than I thought possible. But there comes a point where you realize that you simply live a different reality. No examples, analogies or comparisons will work. They think they have it figured out, they think they are completely unbiased and see how things truly(!) are. And in the same sentence they deny your whole existence. I say no. You cannot be a part of my life.

And yet I have to tolerate shit for now. The day will come when I'll have my own place again and these people are gone for good. It will happen because the alternative is death and I refuse.

There's a reason why airports have shown up in my dreams so many times despite only being in them like, 10 times total(?). Some of the worst days of my life were spend waiting in an airport. That's why I hate waiting and despise airports. Childish I know. Traumatic perhaps. A decade later I was "welcomed back" and offered a place to stay because we are "family"(<- intense hatred). Were we not family when I got kicked out and had to fly to another country?

I learned kindness from others, but not forgiveness. When all of this is sorted, when I have done my best and seen things through, they will be forgotten. I have no family, just coldhearted individuals who think they can abandon me and not face any consequences. They have not seen me smile or laugh in all this time, and they never will.

Joy has almost disappeared from my life. Many of my friends have turned out to be extremely shitty people. When you are kids you can ignore this stuff because you are also a kid and don't know better. But when are you in your 20s, in your 30s there are things that are unacceptable.

My leg is fine. I can run. It hurts if I overdo it. I used to run for fun. Can't do it anymore.

I used to get up, get breakfast, do whatever, get lunch, keep doing whatever and get dinner. Can't do that when you live with others. You can, but you know what I mean. There's a "normal person schedule" that one has to roughly follow. I also have to be extremely careful with anything I eat. I had to change like 60/70% of my diet and now I cannot eat anything I don't prepare. Too dangerous. It won't kill me (right away) but it will fuck me up for days. Can't eat out either. That certainly does not help you keep friends.

What do I even have left at this point? Videogames? Manga? I don't know. I simply keep going because there is no alternative. Goddess of perseverance. Of those who try. Not the ones who win, not the ones who lose. The ones who do their best when there is nothing left.

Tomorrow I will call the hospital. It might be closed. It might be useless. Best case scenario everything is ready and I've panicked for no reason. Got a good walk out of it (<- walking on the beach at 2am). Realistically and knowing my luck I'll have to call again on monday, they'll tell me I have to go in person and then waste an entire day just to set it up, if somehow I didn't miss a deadline that no one told me about (<- getting overly pessimistic). Then next week I go in there, get my prescription and start moving plots along. Get the paperwork ready. Look for a cheap place. Get someone to help. Just ignore any questions. I don't lie. Then I'll be alive, I'll have finished waiting.

[depressedkakashihatake]

Can I ask a question? Why do Kakashi get pregnant every time? I mean. I'm a trans man myself, and I didn't do the operation needed to have a penis, but I still decided to close my tubes since getting pregnant is... Well, is what women do, and I don't feel a woman, and it would feel somehow wrong for me to get pregnant. So, why do Kakashi always get pregnant? And Iruka, too, I've seen, in the last couple of AUs

Ok 1) Iruka has gotten pregnant in my head cannons once and it wasn’t my idea. it was an anons and i went with it because i genuinely think Iruka would be far more open to the idea than Kakashi (There are trans men in the world who have given birth to kids. so this is a thing that does happen in reality)

2) It is a cooping mechanism for me. I may not be a trans man, but i am Non binary with a hard lean towards male. I have always hated the idea of being pregnent, i hate my chest and all of that. but i am also terrified of operations and thus am not about to go in to get my tubes tied. I would love to have a body where i have no chest and a penis, but i’ve accepted the fact that a binder and strap on are the closest i will ever get, and i’m ok with that. 

Now where Kakashi comes in is out of all of the Naruto characters i quiet clearly identify with him over anyone else. He is my favorite character, his personality matches mine the most. He is the character i see myself in. 

So go back a few months when i found out i was pregnant, and i did not handle it well. Was i excited to be a parent? ya. But i had issues. i hated what it did to my body, i hated the fact that i KNEW i was going to be dealing with this bullshit of being called ‘mommy’ and having everything i do from now on for the rest of my life gendered even more than it already was. Basically the only person in my family who knows my gender is my husband, and if i have told others (his mother, my parents) they have just straight up ignored me and continued to call me by female pronouns and compare everything i do to women. 

So i needed a cooping mechanism because i couldn’t tell these people to stop saying things like ‘you’re going to be a mommy’ and ‘oh you’ll be such a great mom’. i’d be turned into the villain

i couldn’t vent to my husband (although he is always super supportive) because covid-19 was starting up and as a doctor he was being worked to the ground and he was stressed. it wasn’t fair to him to unload my personal issues on him when he was already burnt out.

so i needed another option

i turned to Kakashi. my favorite character. my character who i identify with.

and i went with it.

I had him find out about his pregnancy at the same point i did (30+ weeks) because i genuinely believe neither him nor i would survive 8+ months of knowing we’re pregnant. i know i would have been an absolute mess the entire time if i had found out sooner. 

Now when i make my Pregnant Kakashi head cannons i keep mulitpul things in mind for him and me. 

Discomfort- Neither Myself nor Kakashi would be comfortable wearing anything that shows our bump. other than my work outfit i lived in my husbands hoodies because i absolutely hated the way i looked. I absolutely think Kakashi just lives in Gai’s hoodies since Gai is about 2X his side and the hoodie would cover almost everything. 

also we both severely miss our binder because you just can’t wear that shit while pregnant. you can’t. i do believe Kakashi would start wearing his again once the baby was born and his c-section scar was healed, where as i basiclly have to wait 6 months till baby is eating solid foods because wearing a binder is just...it makes pumping and breast feeding impossible and those are unfortunately a part of my life right now. i won’t make them a part of Kakashi’s.

Feelings- Kakashi feels the same way about pregnancy as i do. He doesn’t want it. He’s not adverse to being a dad, but he has never thought of pregnancy and gone ‘ya that’s for me’. I basiclly accepted it would happen to me once because my husband wanted at least one biological kid and trusting another human to carry my future kid just is not in my nature. But for Kakashi it’s more of a surprise. he’s on birth control, he uses condoms with Gai, it just happens (as it did with me. i was on birth control when i got pregnant). His feelings (and mine) are why i put him finding out so late. because it is the only way he could coop. it would be a short amount of time he knew and then it would be over. far easier to handle than dealing with the fact you’re going to be pregnant for MONTHS

Now why do i keep making these headcannons? I’m still cooping. My kid is almost 2 months old and i still have not fully dealt with a lot of things. i feel like my days are a dream and nothing i’m doing is actually happening. having Kakashi go through this with me helps me deal with it all. reminds me it’s real and that i’m not losing my mind. 

But at the end of the day, it’s my headcannon. you don’t have to like it, no one else has to like it. i almost always post them under the tag ‘pregnant Kakashi’ so people who don’t want to see it don’t have to, but i really need these headcannons right now. Putting a character i don’t identify with as heavily through this with me will not have the same affect. it won’t help me coop as much. 

But also, not every trans man is going to feel the same way as you. Pregnancy is a ‘woman’s experience’ if you make it so’. i didn’t dislike the idea of pregnancy because it’s a ‘woman’s thing to go through’. i disliked it because i’m extreamly anxious and have depression and i genuinly don’t think i would handle 8 months of it well (and honestly, knowing that i was pregnant for a lot of what i went through, i can state for a fact that i did not deal with it well. i just didn’t know i was dealing with it) 

Kakashi, Iruka or any other trans male can look at pregnancy as a thing that happens. it’s not a gendered experience because trans men, women and non binary people can all experience it. you personally view it as a gendered thing and that’s perfectly fine for you to do, but it’s not something every single person in the world is going to do. because at the end of the day, gender is an idea. It’s just this label people put on us and expect us to fit into. If we don’t fit in, we have to adjust our ideas of gender.

so again, you don’t have to like those headcannons. i take them appropriately so that you don’t have to see them (and if i miss a tag, let me know. i’ll apologize and fix it because honestly i’m running on 5 hours of sleep a day right now and i’m likely to miss shit) 

 but just because you view pregnancy as a ‘woman’s thing’ doesn’t mean everyone else does. there are trans men all over the world who have given birth because they genuinly wanted to, and there are trans men who (like you) never want to because they don’t feel it’s right for them for whatever reason.