#like megstiel is real friends. sorry if that hurts your feelings

[loverofdemoncorns]

How you feeling today after the Misha Megstiel video? I’m personally really glad he made one

Honestly, kinda shocked at the fallout and massive fandom upheaval it’s caused. The video was from my wonderful fellow shipper @xtexboyx to the equally lovely @inkbleeder with a little in-joke about owls. It was short, sweet and he looked so good and animated doing it and I really enjoyed it too.  Anyway, TW for abuse/suicide/bullying However, that said it has also revealed a lot of hypocrisy within the fandom and a lot of people saw it as an attack when it was literally a gift between friends that they wanted to share with other Megstiel shippers until h*llers got a hold of it and it blew up over socials. Hold on cos this is gonna be long and get kinda wild. It also worries me that a lot of younger fans are seemingly threatened by a difference of opinion over fictional characters and ships. It also again uncovered deeply held misogyny within the fandom where Meg cannot be forgiven despite her redemption arc, where as MoC Dean is forgiven and thought of as ‘hot’ for doing similar things.  I made a plea on twitter that I’m going to repeat here as someone studying psychology, it’s something that has disturbed me - and in all honesty when I was their age in a different fandom had been there myself and thankfully due to lack of socials realised how dangerous/toxic obsessions can be.  So my plea: The fans pressed over Misha's cameo to the Megstiel shippers & my friends: please seek help. Please don't let fiction get to you this much if it's affecting your mental health please speak to someone. I mean this sincerely. I've been there & It's not healthy & will only get worse.  It's nothing to be ashamed about - it's a form of hyperfixation and will end up making you really ill, depressed and removed from friends and family - which makes you easy to take advantage of. I am being honest - like seriously... it's hurting you without you realising. You need to learn to differentiate between fact and fiction - you need to learn that people in the world are going to have a difference of opinion - which in the long run if it’s fictional is harmless despite how it feels to you. These are actors playing a part, speaking the lines of other writers - there is no hidden subtext, the characters exist in a space that is there to be interpreted by the fans of the show - it’s not a major life changing discourse. You see yourself in a character? That’s great. But to deny others their right to relate to a character just makes you a gatekeeper and that’s not cool. That is how misogyny starts, how segregation starts and in the wider scheme of things, in the real world is how you become manipulated and conned by political and religious leaders and how ‘othering’ starts to happen.   When you start letting reality and fiction blend and get so hurt that there are threats to doxx, suicide bating, bullying, stalking and threats to kill, it’s then you have to take a step back and realise that this is consuming your life - that perhaps you need to maybe seek professional help. I mean I get it - when you’re young you think you know everything and you’ll fight to hold on and ‘prove’ others wrong... and yeah I know people are gonna think “Ugh, an adult has no right to tell me what to do” but this adult is only 34 - and has BEEN through an obsession with a ship (Farscape - John/Aeryn which was canon but still). Throw in the wonderful world of social media and you get adults preying on these vulnerable youngsters - siding with them, befriending them and gaining their trust which is where the issue lies and they could quite well end up being the victim.  There is also another element of the threats I’ve seen (again going back to the doxxing and suicide bating). They may think it’s a ‘joke’ and nobody will see it, but these are actually criminal acts in some countries - police could literally rock up at their door, give them a talking to, fine them or worse. It’s never a joke to doxx/suicide bate/harass etc.  I think the root of the issue is the attachment to characters and self-insertion and the false accusation that they’re doing it for ‘representation’ when there are other shows and other characters that will give you true LGBTQ+ rep rather than projecting onto two good-looking cis-het white males. By believing wholeheartedly that lighting/clothing/food and eye contact is ‘proof’ or rep of a ship is completely damaging and also stereotyping - it pushes the narrative that guys cannot have a platonic emotional bond with another guy because it’s “gay” which also perpetuates toxic masculinity and misogyny.  But this quote on my twitter feed caught my eye, and I’m starting to agree “I used to be concerned too, till I realised its already too late. They always have the option to come back to reality but always choose delusion instead. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. They're beyond help, and its a choice. I can't feel bad about it anymore”   Anyway, sorry for the long tangent - I loved the video, I loved that Megstiel got some love but I am sad for my friends that ordered/received this gift that parts of fandom have blown it way out of proportion. I’m happy it’s given others some happiness. 

[thewondersofsmut]

Let’s Pretend – Part Three

Summary: A story based on To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.

Pairings: AU!Dean x Reader

Warnings: language, fake bf Dean, angst

Author’s Note: Posting this since it’s my birthday! Hurt feelings are never good! Feedback is appreciated!

Part One Part Two Part Four

Dean’s POV

“That was your chance to get back with her.” (Y/n) said. “And what? Humiliate you? I didn’t like what she said about you and I don’t want you to get hurt.” I replied. “Why, none of this real.” I stopped my tracks and let go of her hand. 

“You’re right.” 

What (y/n) said stung. I walked towards my car. “Dean.” She called for me. I turned to look at her. “What’s wrong? That was our plan.” She said. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “Get in.” I said, motioning to my car. I drove in silence and I watched her. It wasn’t hard to like her, let alone fall for her. And after seeing the how she was hurt by Gabriel and how Lisa treats her, I think I’m making a better choice. 

I parked and we headed inside the diner. “Why did you and Gabriel break up?” I asked. She sighed. “I think I deserve to know.” I added. “He cheated on me.” She flatly said. “I’m sorry.” I kind of regret asking now. She chuckled. “I was stupid to think that someone like him would actually like someone like me.” She said. “I do.” I said, truthfully. She smiled. “Spare me the pity.” She said, about to stand up. 

“(Y/n).” I said, holding her hand. “What you said awhile ago.” She looked at me. I sighed, it was now or never. “Hurt so much more than when Lisa broke up with me.” Her eyes softened. “And this –whatever we have, didn’t feel fake at all.” I said. “You don’t mean that.” She silently said. I held her hand, chuckling. “But I do.” “I don’t want to get hurt anymore, not like this, Dean, I’m done joking around.” She said. “And I will never.” I replied. “Give me a chance to show you that what I’m feeling, isn’t fake.” She looked at me. “Please?” I almost begged. She sighed and nodded. 

I’ve been in intense training for two weeks now and the day finally came and I know (y/n)’s on the same boat too, being a cheerleader and all. As I was training, I looked over towards the other field. (Y/n) was with Jo and I can clearly see the glares that Lisa threw her way. She’s got to stop it and I will do something about it. Ever since I got with (y/n), she has texted me nonstop. I was about to make my way to talk to Lisa to formally end this our ‘relationship’ when I heard gasps. 

I looked up and saw (y/n) on the ground. I ran for it but was beat by Gabriel. I furrowed my eyebrows, frowning. “Please, let me go and stop touching me.” I heard (y/n) say. “I’m trying to help you.” Gabriel replied. I then looked at Lisa, who was smirking. “Hey, let go of my girlfriend.” I roared. Lisa’s smirk went away. 

“Like you ever cared for her.” Gabriel said and I clenched my fist. “I do.” I said through gritted teeth. Gabriel swatted my arm away, pushing me across my chest. I took a swing and a collection of gasps were heard. I punched him on his face and he punched me back. “Stop! Dean, please!” I heard (y/n) say. “You hurt her and you never deserve anyone, especially (y/n).” I said. I then felt someone pull me off of him and I looked over at Archie, our captain. “Enough.” He said. “Arch, get your boys away from my girls.” Cheryl said. “Oh, and Lisa, you’re out of team, I saw you sabotage (y/n)’s routine.” Cheryl said, glaring at Lisa who’s eyes widened.

I saw Jo and some others help (y/n) and I looked at her, meeting her gaze. If it weren’t for her, I would’ve beaten Gabriel up. 

I came home with a bruise around my face. It would be so hard to explain this to my dad. I then heard knocks on the door. I sighed and stood up to open it. (Y/n) had a small smile, lifting up some pie. I opened the door wider and we went to the kitchen. “Where’s Sam?” She asked. “In his room.” I replied. “How are you?” She asked. “In pain.” She grabbed the ice pack and slowly brought it to my cheek. I hissed at the pain and she flinched. “Sorry.” I mumbled. 

“Why did you do it?” She asked. “Because of you.” I replied and I could faintly see her cheeks heat up. “Dean, you could’ve ruined your chances to play.” She added. “I don’t care. I wanted to make sure you’re okay and I want to make it was clear to him that he needs to get lost.” I said, cupping her cheek. “And Lisa, she was the reason you almost got injured and I’m glad she got punished for it.” I added, scoffing.

I leaned up to her face, she closed her eyes as our lips touched. Every time we kissed felt different, first it was just a peck, then I felt something, and now, it was as if it should’ve been like this all along. We played with our own feelings. I cupped her cheek, pulling her closer. I rested my forehead against her as we pulled away. “(Y/n), let’s end this fake relationship, and will you finally be my girlfriend?” I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes. 

She smiled, the corners of her eyes watering. “Yes, Dean Winchester. I will.” 

I leaned up again, pecking her lips. We then heard someone clear their throat. I pulled away fast and dad stood there. (Y/n) hoped off the counter and dusted herself. “Good evening, Mr. Winchester.” She said. He raised his eyebrows but mostly to me, I knew he was looking right at my black eye. She cleared her throat. “It was because me, I apologize. Gabriel did not want to let go of me.” She started. He gave a concerned look. “It all okay sir,” “Call me John.” Dad said. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” He asked her and she nodded. 

“Year end Ski Trip!” I chuckled as Benny was all up about it. “You are going right, babe?” I asked (y/n). She looked at me, puzzled. “Uh, I don’t ski and I’m not that good in the cold.” She said, chuckling as she shook her head. “The ski trip is where all couples are mandatory to go.” Jo said. “But that’s not for me.” She said and I rolled my eyes. “Come on, (y/n), it’ll be fun, I promise, I’ll teach you how to ski?” I offered. “Pretty please.” Jo begged. If Jo was going and I knew (y/n) would go. “Ugh, alright then!” She answered, giving up on our antics. 

Lisa passed by our table and stopped in front of me. “You’re going to the ski trip right, it was our thing.” She said. I looked at (y/n) then to her. “There’s no us, Lisa, and there will never be.” I said, pulling (y/n) towards my side. She scoffed. “(Y/n) will never please you like I did.” She said. (Y/n) raised her eyebrows. “You honestly think you’re better than me?” (Y/n) said. “Oh, please, watch me, Braeden, you’ll hear my name across the resort.” She added, leaning up to whisper-yell at her, receiving cheers from my friends and Jo who giggled. (Y/n) can be feisty when she wants to. Lisa huffed and left. 

I leaned closer to her. “Is that a promise or a threat?” I whispered, feeling her shudder against me. She looked at me with pure determination on her face. “Oh, babe. You gotta wait and see.”

Taglist:

@miss-kristendior @andkatiethings @kpoplover1306xdepressedgirl315 @sallyp-53  @ilovefanfic86 @deviljoonie @incorrect-quoted @malindacath @aunty-peggy @adoptdontshoppets @brindz30 @myloveofdean @tftumblin @super-megstiel @curlyhairedblueeyedangel

[ladylilithprime]

All numbers divisible by 3, 5, or 7?

Ugh, math at three in the morning? XP

3: What season finale was your favorite/least favorite?

Hm. I really can’t pick a favorite, simply because every season finale is either bittersweet or very obviously leading Somewhere Bad. For the complexity, I’d have to say Swan Song is the leader, just barely edging out “Do You Believe In Miracles”. Least favorite is definitely season twelve, if only because it felt so sloppy and kind of rushed.

5: Which episode makes you cry the most?

I actually can’t answer that as I still haven’t seen all of the episodes, and my reasons for crying vary between gutpunch and rage, so… I dunno. We’ll see.

6: Which episode was the funniest to you?

Hands down, 6.9, “Clap Your Hands If You Believe”! XD

7: What’s your opinion on Megstiel?

Probably my favorite canon pairing for Castiel, and I’m sorry we didn’t get to see that explored more in the show.

9: Which episode title do you think is the funniest?

Tough choice there! I think I’m going to go with “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester”. Sorry, Dean-o, Margaret you are not.

10: What’s your opinion on Garth?

Answered that one!

12: Who is your favorite angel?

Castiel, though Gabriel is a close second!

14: What’s your opinion on Wincest?

You do know they’re brothers, right? ^_~ In all honesty, I can see it about as well as any ship for either brother, but I have to be in a certain mood for it and it needs to be handled with the utmost consent on both sides.

15: What’s your opinion on Lisa? (And Ben, if you want)

Lisa could have been great, both as a character and for Dean. I think the biggest problem was that she and Dean alway seemed to come together when they both needed different things from each other, and when Dean tried to be what Lisa was looking for it kept rubbing up against the fact that what he needed most wasn’t her. Both she and Ben were badly harmed, not by Dean being in their lives, but by his inability to be wholly in their lives because part of him was still on the road and in the Hunt, and by his repeating Mary’s mistake of “living normal” meaning no protections against the baddies he knew damn well were out there and would happily come a’calling for their pound of Winchester flesh, which he also knew could happen considering Adam Milligan lost his life to ghouls who wanted revenge on John Winchester for his killing their parent. Erasing her memory was a dick move and will in no way protect her from anything because sometimes it doesn’t matter what a person knows or feels for someone else, but what the bad guys think they know or feel– or know the first person feels for them. Overall, two great characters who were poorly handled by “plot”.

18: Do you have a favorite Dick (Roman) joke?

Probably a line from @rodiniaorzetalthepenquin ‘s fic Out Of Purgatory, “After you and Cas disappeared in a shower of exploding Dick….” (Go read it, it’s great!) Although Sam’s line about Dean using his computer for “More anime, or are you strictly into Dick now?” is priceless canon material. XD

20: Who do you ship Sam with?

Consent! (Also Castiel, Dean, Gabriel, Michael, Chuck, Anna, Max Banes…. XD Yeah, I think it would be easier to list who all I don’t ship Sam with. ^_^U)

21: What’s your opinion on Destiel?

Thanks, I hate it. No, really, you want to hear an unpopular opinion? Destiel in canon makes as much sense as the Joker and Harley Quinn, and is just as abusive and unhealthy. Harley should go be with Poison Ivy and Castiel should go be with Sam and leave the Joker to laugh at his own bad jokes somewhere he can’t hurt them anymore. Could it work? Maybe if Dean got a shitton of real, actual therapy and pulled his head out of his ass, or in an AU scenario, but as far as canon goes? Their friendship is already unhealthy enough and you want to add sex into it? (And let’s face it, most Destiel shippers do.) Thank you, please exit to the left, goodbye! (It takes a really careful handling and really fucking great writing to get me to read it, and you had better be bribing me with something amazing if you want me to write it.)

24: Do you read smutty fanfiction?

Not as much as I might if there were more of the pairings I want to read. As it is, the fics for my preferred pairings usually lend themselves more to plot than porn, with some notable exceptions.

25: Do you think Destiel will become canon in season 9? (Regardless of whether you want it to or not)

I really don’t. Oh, they’ll throw in some teasing here and there, but it would take the series ending for good before Dean, Castiel, OR Sam gets a canon relationship they can keep.

27: Which episode is the scariest to you? (Horror-movie type scary)

“The Benders”. As Dean put it, “Monsters I get. People are crazy.”

28: What’s your opinion on Sabriel?

I like it a whole lot better than Destiel, which really makes it frustrating considering how many times that pairing is used to “pair the spares” and give Destiel writers a couple of shipping cheerleaders. That said, there are Issues with the pairing itself that stem from canon, “Mystery Spot” in particular. Healthy communication and closure, or even just serious canon divergence is necessary for this ship to sail strong, but it can be done and done well! The frustration is still just as strong whenever it’s handled poorly or Sam’s very real and valid trauma is brushed aside or ignored. They both deserve better than haphazard narrative.

30: Do you have any friends off of the internet that watch Supernatural?

Sure do! At least three that I know of, including @jupiterjames , and probably a few more who don’t talk to me about it because they know why I didn’t go near Supernatural for years.

33: Do you like AU fanfics?

Sure! I usually have to be in a certain mood for them, and there are some AU scenarios I just can’t get on board with, but that’s a matter of personal preference just like any other aspect of fanfic.

35: What’s your opinion of Samifer?

Creepy and terrifying and an absolutely brilliant job of acting by Jared, both in “The End” and in “Swan Song”. (I would not ship them in a box, I would not ship them wearing socks, I would not ship them here or there– I WOULD NOT SHIP THEM ANYWHERE!!)

36: If you have an OTP, at what point did you start shipping it?

From the first moment I realized that it was possible to ship them, I have shipped Sastiel.

39: Which actor would you most like to meet in real life?

I’m told that Jared’s hugs are not to be passed up if given the opportunity, but in all honesty I want to meet Felicia Day.

40: If you could be any character on the show, would you want to? If so, whom? If not, why?

Answered that one!

42: What is your opinion on Sastiel?

You found my OTP! (Hey, you know me!)

45: What’s your favorite moment from any of the gag reels?

Answered that one!

48: What’s an unpopular ship you have?

If by unpopular you mean I ship I have that just really doesn’t have a lot of content, probably Samichael or Sam/Chuck.

49: What’s your opinion on Wincestiel?

Dean needs so much therapy…. ~is jabbed in the ribs~ Uh, I mean, yes! I ship that! It’s actually tied with Casabriel for my OT3.

50: Can you dig Elvis?

Leave the poor man to his rest, huh?

51: Do you listen to Carry On Wayward Son even when you’re not just watching a finale?

Sure, it comes on the radio plenty of times.

54: Do you think Sam should have completed the Trials?

Honestly, that’s a difficult one to answer. On the one hand, it’s entirely possible that closing the Gates of Hell would have been another “Nice Job Breaking It, Hero” moment this series is so fond of, creating a backup of damned souls with nowhere to go like we saw happen with Heaven, and it’s a popular theory that the two sets of Trials would mirror each other. However, I actually don’t think that the spell Metatron used to close Heaven’s Gates was even close to the real Heaven Trials, nor would it be in any way the same as the one for closing Hell’s Gates. We won’t know for sure, because Sam didn’t finish them, but Metatron’s spell ejected all the angels. Pretty sure Kevin would have seen if the Trials to close Hell were going to eject all the demons, considering he was banking heavily on all the demons being locked away so he could go home and not have to worry about Crowley and his demons breathing down his neck. That said, the Demon Trials were definitely taking their toll on Sam, but it’s all speculation as to whether that was because the Trials were killing him because that was the Trials, or because Sam’s demon blood was reacting badly to the influx of Power, or what. That’s up to fanfic authors to explore, but since canon didn’t take us in that direction we’ll probably never know.

55: How long would you survive as a hunter?

I’d do well enough, provided I wasn’t a victim of unfriendly fire, ie other hunters coming after me because they’re extremist assholes. I’d do better as part of the support system, running a hunters’ bar/restaurant and information network and phone tree.

56: What’s your opinion on Calthazar?

Balthazar deserved better than to be stabbed in the back by a Hell-corrupted Castiel.

57: Do you have a Netflix account? If so, what’s your username and password? Wait a second, just the first part.

I have no idea what the family Netflix username is since I’m usually not… using it? At all? Because my kids take over the television to watch Paw Patrol and Bubble Guppies and Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood?

60: If you could change just one thing about the series, what would it be?

Fire BuckLemming.

63: What’s your opinion on Sam/Crowley?

I could see it happening, maybe. Crowley certainly respects Sam. The problem is that after Ruby and the continuous Sam-shaming over her that Dean/fandom does, Sam is really not keen to get involved with another demon like that, especially not after some of the things Crowley’s done to Sam and to people Sam cares about. Work with him as a wary ally, yes, but a relationship? Highly doubtful outside of AUs.

65: What’s your favorite (or at least a memorable) pop culture reference that has been made on the show?

Dean calling Sam “Velma”, particularly after Scoobynatural where we got canon Salma. Jinkies! XD

66: Just a random confession you have regarding the show/Asker makes up their own question.

I most likely would have continued to not watch this show if I hadn’t been drawn in by the fanfic first, and indeed actually started watching the show so I wouldn’t be breaking my own rules of not writing fanfic for a fandom for which I haven’t seen the source material when I inevitably gave in to the plot bunnies nipping at my vulnerable brain.

[silver9mm]

I was tagged (months ago?) by my best bat-friend @exaggeratedspecificity to name 15 songs that I love, and I was really inspired by her emotional stories behind her choices so I thought I’d put a little effort into mine, too. 

But the thing is, when I start thinking back to songs that mean something to me, like super personally...well, sometimes I just don’t want to remember things. I got really sick when I was 11 and now it’s systemic and chronic, and it turned me schizophrenic starting about age 16 and that lasted for another 15 years. Music, literally, kept me alive. It was my best friend, the one thing I could trust. It was how I found validation for the fucked up things I was seeing and the way I felt. It’s how I spoke to the outside world---anyone who knew me then got at least one mix-tape from me, sometimes dozens. I would take lyrics and write stories about my friends with them. I had to go home and get lyrics down on paper instead of going to parties. When I rode the train cross-country, I lugged my 300 disc CD book the whole way, clutched to my chest. I kind of want to be buried with my headphones in but I’m a little worried I’ll wake up from being dead when the battery runs out.

Anyway, in the last few years...basically since I discovered Supernatural, music has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Life in general has changed. It’s better. It’s more fun, more interesting. I’ve found a creative outlet, and especially concerning music, I’m not slathering my experiences, my insanity, my feelings of loss and isolation and paranoia and confusion all over it. I’ve learned how to step outside my little fear-bubble and enjoy music from a whole new angle. So I thought, instead of going through my 130 gigs of music and forcing myself to think about those songs that I love for personal reasons and thus scratching at emotional scars and scabs of my real life, I’d do something more fun for me and pick my 15 favourite songs that exemplify my 15 long Supernatural fics, because since I’ve been writing, my life has improved by leaps and bounds and there’s not a single traumatic memory attached to the experience.

That was really long-winded.

With You by Matt Simons: This is from the soundtrack to Sense Of Life, which is my first published fic. I’m so glad I wasn’t really ‘in the fandom’ when I wrote this, because I never would have had the guts to write it if I’d known how much most shippers don’t like OFC. I would have worried too much about Mary-Sue’ing or whatever whatever. What I wanted to write about was giving the boys something to love, and then taking it away from them, because if they aren’t hurting, what’s the point? So I gave Sam a separated-at-six-months twin sister, and Dean a sick angel, then I gave them reasons to all get naked in a room together, because little did I know, Plot Productive Porn™ would be my go-to writing device. Anyway, looming over the whole fiasco is John Winchester’s A+ parenting, which sets this story up in the first place, and I was so gleefully fulfilled when I randomly heard this song somewhere while writing the fic. I was like, yesperfect.

My job to control you, darling, though I barely know you, hoping you grow tired and start giving in. Spout of holy water pour it on my only daughter maybe there's a shot she'll begin again. So wrong

Lucky With Disease by Elbow: I think this would be Crowley’s favourite band. That said, this is one of my most favourite wincestiel songs and is perfect for Wash It Away---the first fic I wrote, and it shows. A few OOC things, but I just went with what I picked up from the light smattering of gifs that had crossed my dash---I hadn’t even seen a single episode of the show yet. My least favourite fic, but still...it’s not terrible, and I love the dynamic of hurt-angry!Dean and fixer!Sam and Cas falling somewhere in between, willing to do whatever it takes to help. I definitely stuck to the first two characterisations for the rest of my writing. 

Fell like a crippled crow Spinning through and breaking branches I'm in a bad way Call my friends, they'll know what to do

Not as handsome as my brother But I've been lucky with disease

And yes, I'm a better friend Than I've ever been a lover And that's not saying much But I'm not saying much today

Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless: In some different timeline, all I’m doing is writing Megstiel. But Never The Same is all I’ve managed and it’s typical---crazy!Cas and caretaker!Meg, bees, honey. Okay, honey as lube and bees around quivering nethers, but that ‘oh what the fuck okay fine’ sentiment is there that I always loved so much about Meg. 

I had everything Opportunities for eternity And I could belong to the night Then your eyes Your eyes I can see in your eyes Your eyes You make me wanna die I'll never be good enough You make me wanna die

Adolescence by Brown Bird: Rise Above It is my goriest fic to-date, and the sort of weird, sinister nature of this song seems perfect for it. Another wincestiel fic in the same vein of WIA but I think I got the characters down a little better. Dean can’t stand himself and thinks he hates Castiel for caring about him, and Cas, par for the course, makes things worse trying to make it better, but Sam knows just where to dig into the bloody mess to get it all right again. 

So long adolescence of the frightened soul You're entering the ritual Lay down your every fear upon the altar child Prepare to play the man's role

Stay strong the sound of screaming's just the sacred rite Of death begetting new life

We are here but for the grace of everything divine It's the providence that we must find

If (don’t ever blame yourself) by Last Days of April: People who can write early-season wincest are my heroes, okay. Dean’s a different animal now, isn’t he? I’m not even remotely suggesting he’s better one way or the other, just that he’s harder for me to grasp in the first couple of seasons. Harder for me to find his voice, and I can’t even say I really ‘got it’ with The Dawn Breaks...because I don’t fucking remember writing this fic at all. I have no idea where it came from, but it’s dark and dirty and Sam is toeing the line of making himself into the same monster that hurt Dean in the first place, but in the end, he pulls it off.

If it is hard to bear I'll hold the weight If there are things you ain't I'll compensate But you should never blame yourself Put the blame on everybody else 'cause they don't see what I see If no one understands I'll understand

Lovers’ Eyes by Mumford and Sons: ngl, the entire soundtrack for Becoming Less Defined is my favourite song. I fucking nailed it with these songs: perfect combo, perfect order, perfect atmosphere, but this song in particular showcases my particular obsessive trope here. I’m so fucking proud of this ’verse, and I’m climbing the walls to get back to it and finish it. I can’t leave omega-tainted!Dean and Wall-crumbled!Sam and sweet, insane omega!Jensen in limbo. I mean, there’s actual Purgatory to get to, after all. 

Were we too young, our heads too strong To bear the weight of these lovers’ eyes I feel numb beneath your tongue Beneath the curse of these lovers’ eyes But do not ask the price I pay I must live with my quiet rage Tame the ghosts in my head That run wild and wish me dead

Complicated Shadows by Elvis Costello: It’s hard to get Dean alone sometimes, but this song really conjures up that early-season hero that I was talking about before, and writing Turn In Early was supposed to be just a little jerk-off fic, some imaginative Deancest, but because I’m the worst, it’s all slathered in gentle pain. 

Well you know your time has come and you're sorry for what you've done You should've never have been playing with a gun In those complicated shadows Well there's a line that you must toe And it'll soon be time to go But it's darker than you know in those complicated shadows

John’s Star by The National: A reminisce fic, Dean’s B.S., 2001 is a rare moment of self-reflection for Dean, but he’ll only go so far back. I love the idea of Stanford-era!Dean, sidelined, a captive audience, listening to music he probably would never on his own terms, and hearing lyrics that just fucking hit home. There’s nothing explicit about this fic, no overt wincest, but it’s there, especially with songs like this.

I don't ever want you to come home again I don't want to hear your call, your voice in my room I am divine, my arms are stronger than rivers And when you feel that way, you want to feel that way again Forever

Once ruined, baby you stay ruined

Evidence by Faith No More: The sleaze that undercurrents all of Mike Patton’s music is perfect for Dress Me Down, a jealous!Jensen J2/Genevieve blackmail fic, because you can just hear Jensen lying to himself through the music. 

If you want to open the hole Just put your head down and go Step beside the piece of the circumstance You got to wash away the taste of evidence Wash it away Evidence, evidence, evidence Got to taste evidence I didn't feel a thing It didn't mean a thing Look in the eye and testify I didn't feel a thing Anything you say, you know you're guilty Hands above your head and you won't even feel me You won't feel me

Sedated by Hozier: I would normally pick Great Expectations by Elbow for this, but the dangerous, powerful carelessness of this song fits Something To Share just as well. Schizophrenic, self-destructive and self-harming!Sam and totally out of his depth!Dean make deals and promises to each other and I just really, really love this fic okay leave me alone I’m fine. 

You and I nursing on a poison that never stung Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it Somewhere for this, death and guns We are deaf, we are numb Free and young and we can feel none of it Something isn't right, babe I keep catching little words but the meaning's thin I'm somewhere outside my life, babe I keep scratching but somehow I can't get in So we're slaves to any semblance of touch Lord we should quit but we love it too much

Knock Me Out by Linda Perry: Back to my a/b/o ’verse with Between Two Minds, and we find poor Dean, omega-tainted and feeling like he can’t be loved, finally, finally starting to trust his little brother again.

You knocked me out You bit my lip You held me down and kept me sober Through all this time With no regret I guess that's just the way I liked it Maybe, when I'm free I'll realize all he really wanted To share all the peace Something I never wanted So wait, don't go Seems as though it's getting scary So please, don't you go

Feels Like by Buck 65: A song no one will listen to for a fic that no one reads. Dreamy, plinking piano for a fic that started out as a dream. My favourite artist with my favourite ending I’ve ever written. Give Buck and A Steep Fall a chance.

She found the lost boy, eyes that are crying closes Glad to be unhappy, boy gives her dying roses Ecstatic agony and nights of arousing glories Hungry hearts and hands that tell ten thousand stories Open wounds and the one word that filed under Her endless eyes have known hardship and wild wonder Kisses that cure and moments that cured the kiss Under a spell and maybe there's no words for this

I Drove All Night by Roy Orbison: The Mixtape Thing wasn’t supposed to be a fic, but I had to talk about why the songs were picked for the prompt ‘date night at the MoL Bunker’, and suddenly there was a sweet little wincest fic. Yeah, ‘sweet’. My fans were very surprised too. 

What in this world Keeps us from falling apart No matter where I go I hear The beating of our one heart I think about you When the night is cold and dark No one can move me The way that you do Nothing erases this feeling between me and you

Tell Me by Moby ft. Cold Specks: An alternative ending to BLD, But Then Again is the best thing I’ve written so far. J2/wincest/abo and so fucking full of angst and longing and good goddamn is it dirty. I’m so proud of it and myself for pulling it off, and even if I lose two more friends over it (i’m not bitter i’m very bitter), it’s still wonderful in my mind. 

Didn't have the heat I gave you memories Come deeper please I got nowhere to stay tonight Won't you make me stay? Keep your clear eyes on the prize And as I'm there Bring me to your knees

Baby Blue by Wolf Parade: Kill The Lights is the one unfinished fic on this list but I’m so close it counts. Fifty-nine songs to choose from. Five playlists. Over 100,000 words, and choosing one song to represent this brutal MCD fic is easy. Since it’s written from Sam’s POV, some of my favourite songs are the ones I imagine from Dean’s, and this is perfect. 

You're like a fool on fire To the water so blue I will come undone And I will run to you Sometimes we are an open flower Sometimes we are an open wound Sometimes we are a kind of echo chamber, wherein You're all fire and brimstone And I'm all that, too Burning blue for you

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tagging @zmediaoutlet @omgbubblesomg @theboringprincess @chiisana-sukima @hazeldomain @indigoneutrino @dreamsfromthebunker  @bruisedmickey and anyone else who wants to do this (and if you’ve already done it, no worries ;)