#like my brother in christ that is canon and covered in an episode

[dennisboobs]

top tier testimonial

[elfdragon12]

Came across a post (that I don't want to boost) saying "if the Transformers were genderless, they wouldn't use he/him!"

My brother in Christ, both Bob Budiansky (OG creator of many original Transformers concepts, writer of most the US Marvel Transformers comics) and Simon Furman (OG UK Marvel Transformers comic writer) were writing the Transformers as genderless in the late 80s.

Bob Budiansky writing the US Marvel Transformers #53 in 1989 (panel features the Pretenders character Cloudburst and an alien woman):

I don't even have to find panels where Furman writes the Transformers as genderless because he's very loud about how much he hates female identifying Transformers because it "doesn't make sense for robots to have genders" (even though he actively knows that the Transformers are "boy" robots and, by his own logic, his vitriol towards female identifying robots is nonsensical because it's just as reasonable for robots to use she/her pronouns as it is for them to use he/him if they only adopt the concept of gender for their human associates. It's all honestly such a thinly veiled cover for the fact he hates women and has used his position writing for a male dominated franchise to write them as raging harpies whenever he can get away with it. If the Action Force/Transformers summary the TF University podcast gives in episode 109 is to be believed, he even pulls this with Scarlett of GI Joe/Action Force in UK Marvel Transformers #125, Action Force #24-27).

Aside from that, Bob Budiansky originally intended for Ratchet to be a female identifying character.

[This reads "Profile: Ratchet was known as the best tool-and-dye gal on Cybertron. In her work-area bay, she can fashion anything from a pin to a cruise missile and repair most of the Autobots and their specific parts, given the right materials. Her rough language and manners belies the stereotypes associated with her sex and prefers getting skunked on tainted 40-weight to all other leisure activities. "When does the party begin?" is her usual query after she's completed patching up her latest fallen comrade. She's more prone to giving her leader, Optimus Prime, a lot more backtalk than the other Autobots[.]"]

It's all made up and the points don't matter! If the robots do not have genitalia and do not sexually reproduce (which is typically the case, in canon), then they are actually sexless robots who only take on a sense of gender when dealing with other races. In which case, it's a free-for-all and the robots can use whatever pronouns they feel like and it does not matter what writers choose for them.

[leofrith]

i am late but... din djarin for character asks? (i just want to know what fan takes are the worst asjksjks)

oh GODDDDDDDD never in my life have i wanted a character i love to get killed off so badly. jesus christ 💔

a song that reminds me of them: lonely feelings by love supreme

what they smell like: sweat and gunpowder. or whatever the star wars blaster equivalent of gunpowder is lmao

an otp: luke and omera!!! also boba is neat

a notp: i never want to see mayfeld on my screen ever again, love and light. also i've already talked about it but bo-katan could have been good if it had been executed with the bare minimum amount of care. but it wasn't. so when it inevitably happens in the finale this week i will not be coping.

favorite platonic/familial relationships: grogurt!!!! also the armorer and big brother paz. rip king gone too soon. also the din and ahsoka friendship that exists in my head. ❤️

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: girl....... so many. the way a ton of people in this fandom reduce his character to some vaguely sexist, hypermasculine badass who is aggressive all the time for no reason is so irritating. the sheer amount of fics that portray him as some kind of daddy dom or spicy latin lover stereotype is gross and it makes me actually insane. at worst, it's just fucking racist and at best, it's an extremely reductive way of looking at an otherwise very interesting character. there is a truly staggering amount of fic that is obvious, thinly-veiled p*dro pascal rpf that is only using the vague idea of din's character as proof that it's not actually rpf. and the fact that there is no way to reliably filter any of it because people refuse to tag their shit accordingly just makes it worse. this certainly isn't to say that this is an issue confined solely to x reader spaces. i know for a fact that a ton of dinluke writers do this too, which is why i rarely interact with the fandom anymore. also, the lack of nuance when people talk about din's faith is truly awe inspiring. people will see din's clan say "this is the way" and religiously cover their faces and will call it cult behaviour without a hint of critical thought. ah yes, cults, which are famous for letting their members come and go as they please and also teaching their members to be self sufficient. those cults. sure. anyway... i could go on for ages. but i'll finish this off with the fact that yesterday i saw someone say that din in a modern au would be a casually homophobic catholic, which aged me 10 years. do not watch star wars. never ever watch star wars.

the position they sleep in: canonically sleeps in a tiny ball in full armour to fit into his tiny bed on the razor crest (rip razor crest), in the pilot's seat with his arms crossed like a dad falling asleep in his recliner after dinner, or on his back like this:🧍‍♂️ that man has back problems i know he does.

a crossover au i’d love to see them in: i think that din and eivor would get along very well if they existed in the same universe. something about the shared sense of honour and their inability to pass by random people in need. but din as an assassin could also be very fun. me putting assassin's creed characters in star wars aus 🤝 me putting star wars characters in assassin's creed aus. i love bad media <3

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: he only has one!!! actually that's a lie, there was the stormtrooper disguise on morak (episode of all time) and the two iterations of his armor. i'm gonna go with his beskar armour but specifically when he has his helmet off while saying goodbye to grogu in the s2 finale. we could have had at least half a season of him looking like this while separated from his son. pathetic wet cat looking man. look at what they took from us.

send me a character and i will answer these questions!

[stilinskiderek]

just gonna jump the gun on the ask game - 01 for our favorite teen wolfs

OH LETS GOOOOO this took me a while to answer because i have been formulating . i've been ideating. none of this will be a shock . but i have so much to say.

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character: DEREK HALE completely unsurprisingly. Literally from season 1 episode 1. I love him so much.

Least Favorite character: THEO RAEKEN Even in my rewatch I didn't like him, which makes him okay as a villain but I don't even really like him as a villain. also started my teen wolf rewatch when i was rewatching pll and kept calling him mike.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): STEREK literally from day 1 also. The only fic i read for teen wolf is sterek. SCISAAC also from the first time i watched the show. there's something so special to me about scott and isaac together i love them so much STALIA i didn't actually like them together when i first watched the show but rewatching it??? holy shit. they were so so so so good for each other and it broke my heart when they broke up. one of the scenes in s5 where malia says she knows stiles had to kill one of the chimeras but 'it didn't matter' /didn't affect how much she cared about him so she didn't bring it up??? holy shit. that paired with 'i would never leave without you' GOD I LOVE MALIA TATE STYDIA spoilers for a show that ended in 2017 but i did in fact cry when they ended up together. dont forget i love you?? bitch im going to scream ALLYDIA i got one of my friends to start teen wolf and they sent me a message like midway through season 1 and said 'do people ship allison and lydia?" and the answer is yes. me. i'm people.

Character I find most attractive: DEREK HALE also 'character most frequently covered in blood' and 'character most likely to be in distress'

Character I would marry: DEREK HALE i mean. come on.

Character I would be best friends with: ISAAC LAHEY he is SO important to me and i loved him even more with rewatching the show. someone please be nice to him.

a random thought:

An unpopular opinion: I FUCKING LOVE SCOTT MCCALL . i know a lot of people dont! i understand! but i love him so much. scott is probably my second favorite character in the show. he is . chefs kiss. a lot of that also comes from loving tyler posey. + i am GENUINELY excited for the movie. I know most people are not! i am. if you ask yourself 'who asked for this movie?' the answer is tumblr user stilinskiderek. i asked.

My Canon OTP: STALIA not a ship that lasted but my favorite canon ship ever. i loved them together so so much and i missed their dynamic in season 6

My Non-canon OTP: SCISAAC HEAR ME OUT i know i have a sterek url i also love sterek BUT i think Scisaac could've been made canon so easily whereas sterek couldn't have. I GENUINELY think if Isaac was a female character he would've ended up with Scott. Their personalities worked so so well together and I really think they could've been canon!!!

Most Badass Character: DEREK HALE like for the sheer number of times this man has brushed death and survived. jesus CHRIST.

Most Epic Villain: VOID!STILES the other characters having to fight with a person they were FRIENDS WITH?? stiles is scott's BROTHER like holy SHIT. god. the emotional turmoil. dylan obrien killed it. the divine move is one of my favorite episodes of the entire show.

Pairing I am not a fan of: DRAEDEN it just felt...out of nowhere? and kind of weird? i think because season 4 was when hoechlin wasn't a series regular anymore so derek wasn't a key character in every episode it felt like their relationshp was super rushed and just. didn't fit either one of their characterizations.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): DEREK HALE i could talk about this until the cows come home. i think that derek was not treated with any sort of importance despite being a main character, and i don't think the literal trauma and abuse he suffered at the hands of kate argent was ever properly addressed. a lot of his actions and the way he treats people are obviously based in that experience but there was absolutely NO attempt at resolving it or even really acknowledging it. It should've been something, especially in season 4 with kate coming back, but it wasn't. i'm never going to not be mad about it. in that same vein, i think derek and isaac's relationship could've been way more impactful if the writers gave a fuck about derek. with the other hale betas in s2, jackson, erica, and boyd all have 'real'/biological families they can go home to. jackson's might not be great but he still has somewhere else to go. the only person isaac had was derek, which puts derek begrudgingly into this older brother/dad role for isaac that could've been incredible HAD THE WRITERS DONE ANYTHING WITH IT!! clearly isaac is living in the loft with derek but ?? that's all we ever get. what could've been a really great found family moment was absolutely nothing, and watching the scene in s3 where derek is terrified of the alpha pack coming for him TO THE POINT WHERE HE SENDS ISAAC AWAY TO KEEP ISAAC SAFE makes me so mad because if that relationship had been developed that scene would've been even MORE heartbreaking. isaac is being sent away by the only person he has in the world and that hurts but derek should've also been hurting because he's trying to protect this kid he took in but he can't explain it to him and i just. it could've been the bella/charlie scene in twilight but it wasn't!!!

Favourite Friendship: SCOTT/STILES stiles has scott's back through literally everything and god the scene in motel california with the flare breaks me every single time.

Character I most identify with: LYDIA okay this was hard for me to answer because i identify with a lot of them but in different ways?? then i remembered one time my friend sophie asked me to pick a teen wolf sun/moon/rising sign which i think fits this question. my rising sign is Scott, my moon sign is Lydia, and my rising sign is Malia. I think out of all of them I identify the most with Lydia!! i love her.

Character I wish I could be: DANNY I just want to be adjacent to all of the chaos and observe from afar. the way he knew about the werewolves because nobody can whisper in beacon hills is so special to me. i also love that he's the singular side character who was not made supernatural and did not die, just vibed the entire time.

[blorbosondeck]

fic rec masterlist

canon divergent/finale fix its

Anamnesis

THIS! FIC! this fic lives in my head rent FREE it is so good and it makes so much sense in the narrative that the shitty finale concocted, as to why they wouldn't mention cas or anyone else and its just. so good and they write chuck in the most villainous way that i love!!!

"Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be. Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19."

Sunset Sound: Stairway to Heaven by @adhdeancas

GOD FUCKING CHRIST this is so good and sweet and im such a sucker for team ups and reunions!!! its 3:30 am rn and i just finished it and i love it SO much it made me laugh a lot and the last few chapters i had the stupidest grin just plastered to my face

The Closer the Star, the Greater the Parallax by @rocksalts​

repressed bastard dean submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known and receives the rewards of being loved but only after some miscommunication i LOVE this i read it last night and it’s a fast favorite. my interests have overlapped and i am INTO it

“When Dean sits down to watch some bullcrap Discovery Channel episode with Cas, he doesn’t expect to actually learn anything. Except, with Cas explaining, he makes an effort to connect the dots.”

Don't We All Deserve To Be Happy?

VERY sweet and a VERY good pick me up. all around feel good fic!!! 

"Post-canon fix-it, divergent from 15x19 where Jack stays and Dean doesn't die and Cas comes back and everyone is happy. Take a shot every time I'm salty about the finale."

Keep Your Love Alive

okay. okay okay okay this may be my favorite finale fix it just because of how well reasoned it is. like this feels what should have happened i love it SO much

"Dean gets to spend eternity sharing beers with Bobby on the Roadhouse porch and riding around in his Baby with Sam. He’s at peace… or he feels like he should be. But a few things nag at him: Where is Cas, and everybody else Dean had been hoping to see in Heaven? Why does he feel like he’s stuck in a loop, reliving the same memories over and over again? And who are the strangers wearing Sam’s and Bobby’s faces?"

The GoldenRod Revisions by @aethylas​

this is one of the most well written things ive ever read. the script format DID make it feel more real and honestly? this is better writing than this show deserves. the finale that could have been ♥️

“A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.“

Ascend by @wanderingcas​ 

THEE finale fix it fic!!! written by the AMAZINGLY skilled and talented @wanderingcas !!! it’s 50k of angst and hurt/comfort and pure bliss

“Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?”

Things Happen (They Do, And They Do, And They Do) by THEE @sobsicles

i KNOW everyone has already recommended this and likely you’ve all already read it. but it has to go here bc REPRESSIOOOOOOOOON i LOVE this so much it is one of the most perfect things i’ve read. are you bisexual? did you have a kind of weird relationship with your best friend and not realize that how you felt about them wasn’t necessarily how other people felt about them and you were maybe a little bit in love with them but were too repressed to realize it? you’ll feel seen. maybe a little too seen

Closer (isn't close enough)

are you a sweet and sappy yet horny bastard? do you like cas exploding light bulbs? you will like this.

“the one where they finally talk about what cas said before the empty took him”

You and Your Husband

it is exTRMELY sweet!!! repression dean strikes again <3

"Five times Dean corrects someone about his relationship with Cas, and one time he realizes he doesn't need to."

Tall Grass

miscommunication and a slowburn! despite being written in 2017 and finished in 2018, it feels like a fix it. ft. plant obsessed cas <3 

Invictus

a LOVELY and short (relatively) finale fix it

“They saved the world. They're free. It's done.

Except it's not, and carrying on is the last thing any of them are thinking about.

They still have someone they need to save.”

Unchained Link

post finale- it’s a great case fic and i am compelled i want more!!!

"It's after the end of things. Life continues on while Dean is "livin it up" in heaven. But it's never that simple, is it? A freak occurrence sends Dean into another time stranded back on Earth. And he thought his hunting days were over. But, no worries. His knight in shining armor comes to the rescue. Hijinks, therefore, ensue."

fun and time unspecified

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Love Potion No. 5

very funny and sweet! miscommunication at its finest ♥️

"Cas gets drenched with a mystery potion from the ‘love spell’ shelf and... Dean has a sneaking suspicion, angel or no— the spell may have taken effect. And Cas might be in love with Sam."

The Way We Were

Y'all. It is so good its a great mix of funny and serious- extremely fun to see dean as like a base bisexual

"Dean and Castiel pose as a couple to gain access to a gated community known as 'The Glen', a pleasant if secretive location that the boys believe might be linked to several dead bodies showing up over the years bearing signs of ritualistic sacrifice. All seems well until Dean's memory is affected from an incident during a solo exploration, leaving Dean convinced that their cover story is true. Castiel is left trying to resolve their case without taking advantage of an increasingly enthusiastic Dean"

While You Were Sleeping

this is basically just the movie but replacing sandra bullock with cas. this is my comfort movie and imo, one of the most perfect rom coms. the fic isn’t finished but i still have the tab open on my phone and i will straight up go back and re read it when i need a pick me up. 

aus/rewrites

The Harvelle Gospels: Offscript

i know everyone ever ( @jewishcharliebradbury ) has recommended this fic. and for good reason go fucking read it

“The Apocalypse is averted, the angels are in Heaven, and Jo is free from the threat of possession. Somehow it couldn't be farther from a happy ending.“

absolute riots

An Ineffably Profound Bond

i honestly would have put this in the finale fix it section! look. i know. i know you've been burned by crossover fics before. but this is Thee good omens/spn fic you want. its funny as hell and immensely satisfying. im weak for everyone working together tropes and that is this

"After Chuck sets 'The End' in motion, the remaining members of TFW make a miraculous escape. Not willing to waste any time, Castiel comes up with a plan to travel to one of the other worlds to try and get help from the angels there, but after a fight with Dean, it's the hunter who gets sent into an alternate universe,with seemingly no hope of return.

When a mysterious human with a heavenly weapon shows up in Aziraphale's shop, he and Crowley learn that their world is not the only one. Now it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to join forces with the human and help him save his world or simply find a way to send him home."

Somebody Up There Likes Me by @lafilleredige

cas is hit with a spell that turns his vessel into a woman, hijinks and sexuality crises ensue etc etc sam is a supportive and bitchy little brother and its all SO fucking funny and also. horny as hell i love it i love it i LOVE it

“’Dean doesn’t want to talk about your breasts, it’s making him uncomfortable because he hasn’t acknowledged the complex fluidity of human sexuality.’“

Stray Cat Strut

a long crack fic that IS one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and i can’t explain why. it’s so ooc but its so funny that i don’t care. if you need a laugh you gotta read this

"Sam and Cas are immediately in love with the adorable kitty they find outside the bunker door, and occupy their time planning how to convince Dean--who they believe is off sulking after a botched hunt--to let them keep their cat. Along the way, Dean learns to use a litter box and hears some confessions he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear, all while realizing just how much he loves Castiel.

Now all Dean has to do is convince Cas and Sam their new pet cat is actually him before they do something crazy--like neuter him!"

canon compliant or slight canon divergence

Give

by @doublestuffedimpala post season 7 episode 7, kind of ambiguous ending but truly a cas is happy to bleed for the winchesters fic

Punch Like Bones 

short, post 5x04 homoerotic moment that i wish we’d gotten

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

The Thrilling Saga of Connie paying real life money for the Worst Sonic TV Show

Let’s begin with the simple fact that me and my sister, @birdsareblooming​ “Cori”, have both been hyperfixating on Sonic the Hedgehog since last March. During this hyperfixation, I was on Sonic Wiki to copy-paste song lyrics onto my stolen mp3s, and I called my sister in and pointed at the template at the bottom. 

“What is this Sonic Underground thing?” I asked. “It has one shit billion songs.” 

So we clicked on the page to read about it, and each sentence we read was a punch in the gut and this quickly became the funniest thing we’d ever read. Highlights include:

It looks like this:

“Sonic[...] is known to be a prince” 

Sonic has two siblings who actually have good characterization but their names are literally just Sonia and Manic. Like. Sonic split into two names. jesus christ 

Also Sonic and his siblings all share a voice actor. honestly Jaleel White does his best with it but 

“The three siblings possess enchanted medallions that transform not only into musical instruments, but also into weapons.”

“Some fans consider Sonia to be a clone of Amy Rose, minus the attraction Amy feels for Sonic.” YEAH I SURE HOPE IT DOES

“Manic is the most often captured of the siblings” himbo king 

Knuckles shows up, and for the first, like, two sentences his description is very similar to the game, and then you get immediately pulverized by “He has a pet Dinosaur called Chomps.”

Literally so many sentences on Sonic Wiki are lowkey salty about this show. The page features lines such as “Sonic Underground bears little relation to the often complex Sonic universe (including previous animated series, as well as Sonic comics and games), and shares only three established characters” and “many of the characters in the Freedom Fighter group that were in Sonic the Hedgehog are completely left out (including Tails).”

“The show met with mostly negative reviews.”

*checks air dates* It only lasted two goddamn months

So after seeing this we thought it was the funniest thing and we showed our older sister, @patema-introverted​ “North.” To our surprise, our at the time “knew nothing about this sonic bullshit” sister recognized the show. Turns out she’d seen trailers for it as a child and that was her sole exposure to Sonic canon. 

We were in quarantine at the time, so we ended up finding it on YouTube and binge-watching it all together as a sibling bonding activity. It was just as hilarious as we thought it would be- some stuff was legitimately good, like the sibling dialogue for instance, but good lord were the character designs ugly, the plot all over the place, and pretty much every song, um, not great. Also there was one episode that we skipped because it got, um, I think “stereotypical” is the nicest word I can use here. 

But the point is, we had a jolly good time watching it, and afterwards we binged all the other Sonic shows and bonded as a family. 

After quarantine, North and I go back to college. My roommate gets groceries at Walmart, while I get them elsewhere, so while she and North collect food I wander the DVD aisle to look at the cool movies and also dumpster-dive in the bargain bin for Cats (2019). I am also short as fuck, so the top shelf of movies I cannot see, I can only read the labels. 

So one day I was browsing the DVDs, and glancing over at the labels for the top shelf. I read over the final one before the shelves end. 

And then I stop, do a double take, and have a heart attack, because there is a label that reads “SONIC UNDERGROUND $3.74″

I immediately climb the shelf but there aren’t any DVDs atop the shelf. However, the label is still there. I excitedly tell my sister and roommates, freak out with them a bit, and then give myself a mission statement:

I will buy the $4 Sonic Underground DVD from Walmart

I did not want it as a gift, I did not want to find it online. I wanted to walk into a store, pick up the Worst Sonic Show on DVD, walk it straight to the checkout, and in front of the cashier and God, pay for it with my own money. I did not care if it was the whole series or two episodes; I needed to do this for my own serotonin.

We would go to Walmart about once a week. Every time, I would go to the DVD aisle, and go right to the end of the shelves. I would stare at the label SONIC UNDERGROUND $3.74 and empty space above it and wonder who the fuck was buying this other than me. I would occasionally ask employees if they had any copies in storage. I would build a shrine to Manic in my room. Okay, no I didn’t, but only because my RA would have murdered me. 

Christmas break comes, and we have to go home. We have a nice Christmas, and Cori and I infodump at each other about how we would make Sonic Underground a good show (note: we’re both galaxy braining) and also play Bendy and the Ink Machine. Fun times. 

When we finally get back to College, it’s late January- long story short we have a very long winter break. My roommate who gets food at Walmart got food without us the first week cause she showed up first, so we take her out to Walmart the first time in the year of our lord 2021 on January 29. 

I wander the Valentine’s aisle, immediately grabbing a sequin puppy. I go to the DVDs and see Animaniacs Season One, also grab that. 

And then.

There it is.

The Holy Grail. 

Above the label SONIC UNDERGROUND $3.74, is one DVD left. 

Already I am losing my mind. It’s roughly seven hours of episodes- I couldn’t find an episode list, but I think that’s half the show, for $4! And the cover is amazing. 

That’s a png of Sonic from Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (1993) with a medallion badly photoshopped over it. The medallion is too small. 

Manic is shoved into the corner. He doesn’t have his medallion at all. 

Sonia isn’t even pictured on the front cover, probably because they realized she was the worst designed of the bunch. I’m not ragging on her though, because she’s still one of the better designed characters of the show. Those background characters make me cry 

So you bet your ass I finally paid my hard-earned $4 for this shit. Upon getting home, I discovered that there was even wilder shit with this DVD than I thought. 

For starters: the bonus features listed are as follows:

Original Concept Art - did not expect that these character designs were the final draft

Storyboard-to-screen - did not expect they bothered to storyboard this 

Music Video Jukebox - that’s cute, they thought we liked the music 

Interviews with original screenwriter & executive producer - I fully expect the only questions to be “why.” 

On the left of this list are screenshots from the show, where people can finally see Sonia, who we Know™ is a girl because she is pink and has hair and also an actual body shape instead of just circles like her brothers. 

But wait... what’s that in the lefthand corner? 

That looks like some kind of robot. But it’s not a robot from Sonic Underground! That didn’t appear once. Why is it here? 

The mystery continues upon opening the DVD case: inside are advertisements for other collections, including other Sonic DVDs: two volumes of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (1993) and the final episodes of Sonic the Hedgehog “SatAM” (1993)

First of all, the first volume of AOSTH has the exact same PNG of Sonic as the Underground Volume 1. Not even trying to hide it. But second... the second volume of AOSTH also has this robot on its cover. 

And THIS ROBOT IS ALSO DECORATING THE THIRD DISC IN THE SET?

So you may be asking, who is this robot? Is it from AOSTH or Underground?

IT’S FROM FUCKING SATAM. The one show that doesn’t have it decorating the DVD covers.

Also, not only is it from SatAM, it only appears in one fucking episode. Not a major character! AND IT HAS A DIFFERENT DESIGN ON THE PROMO ART, WITH HAIR AND FANGS.

Why is it showing up everywhere? What is going on? 

I have not yet had the opportunity to watch this glorious piece of animation, but I am so glad at the confusion I have felt upon receiving it. 

But before I go, I must share with you the best part of this DVD purchase. And it was flipping to the back, scanning the details, and discovering the exact runtime of the episode collection. 

Guys, gals, and enby pals, friends and enemies, Nintendo and Sega, the first Volume of Sonic Underground has a runtime of...

420 MINUTES.

Maybe I’m wrong and this IS the best Sonic show. 

[supernaturalnovelsandmore]

Supernatural Novel: The Unholy Cause

Welcome to my review of the fifth Supernatural novel, The Unholy Cause

Author: Joe Schreiber

Timeline: Set after Episode 5.08 Changing Channels but before Episode 5.16 Dark Side of the Moon

Location: Mission's Ridge, Georgia

Synopsis: As the pressure mounts for the upcoming apocalypse, Sam and Dean head to the historic town of Mission's Ridge, GA, where the Civil War is less about the past and more about the present. With interference from Castiel, demons, and Judas Iscariot himself, how can Sam and Dean prevent a major catastrophe from befalling this small town?

Review: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Warning: Spoilers abound!

After the last book, I was really hoping to see an improvement in this one, and boy did I! I've finally hit the Supernatural tie-in novel I was hoping to read from the beginning! It read like an actual episode, I could hear the actors speaking through the character's words, and I really couldn't find anything that contradicted canon.

In addition, the actual storyline was compelling and the side characters interesting. With the other novels I've reviewed, it's taken me most of the day to read them because I kept getting distracted. This one, I read straight through without stopping. I love reading a book like that!

Side note: This novel does dive in to Christian theology and the story of Judas Iscariot (who betrayed Jesus). If you are uncomfortable delving into that portion of Christianity, you may not want to read the book or this review (though my review notes about that will be minimal).

Now, since I don't have any canon vs. non-canon comparisons to make, today's review is simply going to be a list of my favorite scenes and how certain scenes relate to what's going on during this period in Season 5.

Cameo!

Sam and Dean are informed of the case by one Rufus Turner! He's only in it for a brief bit, but he's still funny as heck asking the police to pay his dry-cleaning bill.

We get a nice character introduction of enigmatic (clueless) Castiel who's trying to heal Civil War reenactors who are understandably frightened of him. He's still searching for God at this point, but we also get this nice character beat for him:

"I walked the battlefields of the South a hundred and sixty years ago," Castiel replied, a faraway look entering his eyes. "I moved among the men and brought their souls to glory. And now..." Something moved over his face for just an instant, so rare and brief that Dean almost didn't catch it; a flicker of hope. "And now," he repeated, "I'm healing again."

Of course, Dean has to explain that none of the reenactors actually need healing and he goes back to being determined to find a 'First-order witness' - someone who broke bread with Jesus Christ.

I found this part surprising within the book, but as I thought about it, it made more sense. The TV series has to tread a very careful line with Christianity so as not to offend a bunch of viewers, but the books have a much smaller audience and can take these liberties. Personally, I was fine with it. They didn't go too deep and stuck with the witness being Judas (who doesn't exactly have a great reputation to begin with).

There's a fantastic brotherly moment where Sam shares the sheriff's name (Jack Daniels) and they then go back and forth trying to guess what this Jack person is like i.e., fat vs. skinny, bald vs. hairy...

Dean: "Nam vet. Buford Pussar type. From Walking Tall." Sam: "Deliverance refugee. Civil citations all over his desk."

One of things I love about this book is the brother's relationship. This banter and other character beats really feel authentic as opposed to the prior novels. (I won't spoil what the sheriff is actually like - needless to say, they play a major role in the book.)

Just a few pages later from this great banter, we're back to the drama as Sam and Dean argue about a nightmare Sam had that he can't remember, but which could be relevant to the case.

"What's this about Dean?" Sam demanded, "Is it about you not trusting me? Because if it is, there's not a whole lot of places we can go from there." "Yeah, you're my brother," Dean said. "But you're also Lucifer's prom dress, and if he's seeding your dreams with hints about the master plan, then maybe it might be a good idea for you to look at 'em as close as possible. That's all I'm saying."

And of course, Dean gets concerned about Sam as they split up to cover more ground. It's music to my ears! There are a number of other conversations like this that really emphasize the strained relationship Sam and Dean display in Season 5.

Another surprising character beat is the influence of Lucifer on Sam because as he's doing research at the local historical society, Sam (and the historian) are surprised to find out he can read Coptic, an ancient Egyptian language. It startles Sam and once again emphasizes how different he is.

At a particularly gruesome crime scene (a mass grave), there's a brief moment with Dean that really shines as he looks down on the skeletons in the mass grave and finds a similarity to what he did in Hell:

Because that was what he did after spending years down there, doing what he'd done... Through sheer force of will, Dean shoved those notions aside...Now more than ever he didn't want that experience contaminating the way he looked at the world... not that he had a choice. Hell had been his Vietnam. It had stamped its mark on him for all eternity, and no amount of denial or self-imposed ignorance was going to change that.

There's an additional moment of traumatized Dean that I wish they could have shown in the tv series:

Sam: "Are those bloodhounds?" Dean didn't answer... When Sam finally caught a look at his brother's face, he saw that Dean's cheeks and forehead had gone absolutely white, as if every drop of blood had been sucked away... "They're not hellhounds, Dean, they're just dogs..." Dean didn't answer. He was still listening to the barking and howling noises coming closer, crashing through the undergrowth. He seemed paralyzed by the sounds.

There are more to these Dean passages, (too much to copy), but I really like that we see actual effects of past experiences.

There's also a nice scene with Sam and a young teenager that really highlights his ability to connect with kids around that age (of which we see later in the TV series):

"My brother and I grew up without a Mom, too," Sam said... "It wasn't always easy... Not everybody gets that." "I still dream about her sometimes, you know? Even though I was young when she... when it happened," Nate blinked at Sam. "Weird, huh?" "Are they good dreams?" "Yeah." "Then it's good. That's your way of remembering her."

The last third of the book is very action-oriented and has multiple instances of hurt Sam and hurt Dean, with the requisite caring from each brother.

Once again, I've gone on too long, but I'll end with a couple of favorites: Humor:

The sheriff glanced out the window, (referring to Baby) "And haul that piece of crap car to the impound lot. I don't want it cluttering up my street." "Woah!" Dean snapped, a sudden rush of anger rising in his face. "Watch your damn mouth. You can't just---"

Drama:

"This is blood money," Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out the Shekel. "Bobby says the only way anybody gets their hand on this..." The rest of the sentence was getting stuck in his chest, and he made himself finish it, "is by betraying someone you love." Dean stared at him. "Dean..." "Look," Dean broke in. "Don't get too hung up on it, okay? It doesn't necessarily mean anything," he stood up and brushed off his jeans. "Whatever happens between us, we'll deal with it then..."

Thanks again for reading! I'll be back again next week with War of the Sons!

[curlytemple]

niche interests list 

okay sure yes this is fun! i havent posted a thing like this in such a long time. thank you new gal pal @scottspack for tagging me! 

pigs????

alright first lets throw it back to preschool! my fav childhood toys were my baby doll (snookums) and a plush pig that my grandma got me that i just called ‘pig’ ...i watched the babe movies countless times, and piglet? that anxious little guy GETS ME bro. when my preschool did a nativity play and my class got to choose an animal to be in baby jesus’ manger, my mother recalls me saying that i would be a pig because jewish people (jesus christ) wouldnt eat me. she has no idea how or when i learned about kosher foods. ironically despite my namesake i was too afraid of the movie charlotte’s web to watch it more than once because the scary farmer tries to kill wilbur for being small and the pretty spider dies. 

sugar creek gang 

OKAY this is a book series from the 40s-70s about a group of christian little boys in indiana who went on adventures in the woods and helped people. my dad read a LOT of chapter books to me as bedtime stories when i was little (see also the mandie series, nancy drew and the hardy boys, little house on the prairie) but sugar creek gang is one that really hit. i read all 36 books with dad and at least once again on my own. there was a series of 4 or 5 movies in the early 2000s when i was the Perfect age to have a crush on most if not all of them. this might be too much detail but i have to tell you about these boys. we WILL not be revisiting the heavy religious themes. 

 the narrator is bill who is Good and Kind and wants to be a doctor when he grows up. his best friend is a chubby boy nicknamed poetry because he memorizes and quotes poems, he is the Detective of the group. BIG JIM is the leader of the group who is supposed to be like, 14, which was very cool and hot, to me. and yes there is a little jim, who is the baby of the group. then there is CIRCUS who is known for his climbing and acrobatics, and his FIVE SISTERS AND BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE. dreamboy. i’m almost done listing boys, i promise. a boy called dragonfly who is allergic to everything and hella superstitious. later in the series a new boy named tom moves to town and tom has an older brother bob who is NOT A CHRISTIAN (bully) 

tangentially, the buttercream gang, a movie from 1992 that was almost definitely made by some christians who grew up reading the sugar creek gang series which i’m guessing on vibes alone. will spare you Good Boy details but scott is in love with his best friend pete who moves to chicago and falls in with a bad crowd and scott just refuses to stop LOVING HIM. very gay christian film in retrospect. 

peter pan

so i know liking disney’s peter pan isnt niche, but it was the way i liked it. tinker bell stan from day one, i watched all of those disney fairies movies, even the ones that came out after i was definitely not intended audience. there was an online pixie hollow game where you could design your own fairies and play mini games where you gathered dew drops or something. had a HUGE CRUSH on jeremy sumpter in peter pan (2003) then i got really darkly obsessed with the idea of growing up when i was 12 or 13, and everything peter pan was deeply My Shit for my entire adolescence. i read the original book and every other twisted version of the story i could find and seriously freaked myself out about wasting my youth. 

shug

you’ve probably heard of jenny han now, or at least the netflix adaptations for to all the boys i’ve loved before and the sequel ps i still love you (always and forever, lara jean, coming soon?) but before she wrote THOSE, she wrote my first ever Favorite Book, about annemarie “shug” wilcox, a girl in the summer before starting middle school. it is SO engraved on my heart i cannot explain. i felt so incredibly understood and cant even tell you how many times i read it. thinking about all of the ways it made me feel SEEN is actually making me very tender so i’m gonna go on.  

the summer series

on the subject of jenny han, since she was now my Favorite author, when she came out with the summer i turned pretty in 2009, i was ALL IN. it’s not summer without you, and we’ll always have summer were published the next two years. a coming of age series about a girl isabel “belly” conklin who stays at her mother’s best friend's house at the beach in the summers. i really could talk about it forever yall. i actually dont know how to be succinct about it. i will try. her mom’s friend has TWO BOYS. one brother, jeremiah, is the golden boy and her best friend who is in love with her! the older one CONRAD is her childhood crush who's just sort of around while belly is firmly getting over her childish feelings and going out and experiencing teen beach life with jeremiah for the first time and figuring out who she is and wants to be! by the end of the summer he admits he feels differently about her (hence belly internalizing this as The Summer I Turned Pretty) and they get together. this is already too much so i will just say that the next two books deal with a PROFOUND LOSS and the selfishness of grief and the SELFLESSNESS OF CONRAD and i will absolutely lose my shit if netflix picks it up for a second jenny han series adaptation. 

pappyland

this was a kids show in the 90′s that features a character named Pappy Drew-It, an artist dressed like a 49er who lives in a magic cabin in pappyland. there’s tons of characters and music and life lessons but the meat of every episode is a detailed drawing how-to (pappy is actually a cartoonist, michael cariglio) and i have a hard back cover sketch book from my grandpa that i FILLED with drawings that pappy and DOODLEBUG taught me to do. there is a running gag that pappy always breaks his crayons.  

boy meets world

i KNOW this is beloved by many but i’m counting it because i’m simply too young to have such an obsession with it! the show ran from 1992-2000. i was born in 1996, but reruns on the disney channel and abc family cemented it as one of my favorite shows. cory and shawn, closer than brothers, shameless homoromantics, shawn is cory’s first wife!!!!! truly showed me what a best friend can and should be!!!!!! the great love of your life!!!!! TOPANGA, the og weird feminist girl who said stop shaving your legs and start speaking your mind, ladies! the characters are so richly developed that they are real people to my heart. YES every character on this show is in their late 30s-early 40s and YES i feel like we grew up together. in season one they’re in the 6th grade and we follow them all the way to COLLEGE. countless poignant life lessons, often literally dictated by the wise and hilarious MR. FEENY, cory’s next door neighbor and somehow one of his teachers for YEARS. my love was only solidified by the 2014 girl meets world reboot, centered on cory and topanga’s daughter and her best friend. (which was literally cancelled because disney didn’t want to transition from a kids show to a teen show, something essential to the original. also because that teen show would have had CANON LESBIANS. extremely shameful move in 2017!) boy meets world lives rent free in my heart and i will never evict it!!!!!!!

i consulted my mother when i got stumped for more and she reminded me that i had obsessions with the impressionist art period and babies and ANYTHING fairies or pixies, and i was way too young when my love of the canadian teen after school special degrassi began. she also said bob ross, which i was hesitant to include because he’s been super ~trendy in recent years, but to be fair (To Be Faaairrr) she’s right! i don’t think people really watched the joy of painting as much as i have throughout my life. best sick day show of all time.

lastly i could honestly list anna herself as a niche interest, my mom actually metioned that ive always hyperfixated on my girl friends (gay) but i’ll just note that YES friday night lights, YES barry lyga novels. love to share so many things with you, niche or not, they’re niche in Our Mind.

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 119 Thoughts

In the next thrilling episode of things going much worse than they needed to, all my fake internet money is going towards Historia actually incubating Eren’s missing leg under her shirt.

Through the power of Paths he rips his way out of Historia’s stomach while NPC Farmer Guy watches in complete horror and Levi bleeds out on the kitchen table because everyone is too distracted by the latest bloody mess.

The rest of the manga is just devoted to extreme Biblical discourse over who is playing which part in the story, and how many ways can they be Frankensteined together.

With bonus points going to Levi sharing Jesus’ birthday.

Christ Bowl: Resurrection.

Like Serum Bowl only somehow worse for everyone.

Okay so a lot happened.

I wanna make sure I’ve got it.

Lessee.

Yeah.

So.

A bunch of people died.

Reiner was not one of them, because death would impede the manga’s one constant of Reiner suffering.

That’s it, that’s the chapter.

Geez, okay. So in one corner we’ve got all of the folks who Zeke turned into titans. And Zeke actually made that cog of the plot spin forward. So we’ve got a city full of titans. In previous times this was undesired and bad, and it still sort of is, but the people these titans will eat are Marleyan soldiers, so it’s a lot easier to not feel so bad about the cannibalism.

Then we’ve got Porco Galliard.

Who is apparently dead now.

Falco, who is not dead, no longer has a brother. Because Colt wanted to hug his baby brother during his time of need more than he wanted to live. So Colt’s dead too.

Zeke is somehow not dead. Still.

Gabi is keeping up the Braun tradition of living to survive further trauma.

Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and Connie continue to be good children who deserve only nice things as they try to clean up the mess their one friend has managed to create around them.

And Eren’s head gets blown off.

Which it’s sort of hard to argue he doesn’t deserve, all things considered. ‘All things’ including the part where he’s probably not going to stay dead if he even reaches that point.

...

Okay.

My main desire with this post is really just to scribble red marker everywhere and draw tiny explosions with the footnote, “things went wrong,” and leave it at that. This is very much one of this series’ chapters where I’d prefer to simply wait for what’s coming than to try to produce something meaningful over what we have.

The temptation to say this is all very rushed is very present, but I think that’s just because two characters with names die and the entire upper brass turns into titans in the space of forty pages.

Galliard’s been getting the crap beaten out of him every single fight. The impressive part is that he stays alive long enough to do something with his death instead of just getting killed.

Colt... yeah, people in hysterics don’t make good choices. I’ll come back to him with kinder words later, but mainly that.

I think I’m just a little in shock that the plot actually moved. While it’s gotten better over the years, the manga is still very much designed around paving a foundation with exposition, then hitting every single relevant beat of said exposition without pausing for air.

The threat of the military turning into titans has been around for months. It just. Finally really happened.

...Look, the manga might not want to take a breather, but I sure do. This is a lot of action dropping a lot of seeds, and part of me is still stuck on the fact that the grand titanization actually happened, and Galliard actually gets nommed.

Oki doki then.

Yay for fewer swords dangling over everyone?

Probably also a no on Jaws breaking Annie out? Falco won’t have the control to do it gently any time soon, and Falco, being a precious beacon of goodness, is not going to feel comfortable just cracking Annie open.

Hell. Some months I think would really go better without a post. With monthly series, there’s usually something each month that’s worth words, and I do think this still qualifies, but this really could use the cushioning of its future chapters. So many boxes got checked off for things happening so fast that it’s hard to gauge their impact. The smoke’s still clearing, and detailing the quality of the rising dust and ashes is not high on entertainment.

Oh well, into the cloud we go.

This month brought to you by brothers!

Colt and Falco; Porco and Marcel; Eren and Zeke. Brothers! Brothers feeling brotherly feelings and relating to each other through said feelings!

Or a series of older brothers severely traumatizing their younger siblings and making everything much worse by trying to be good big brothers in ways that lead to dead bodies littering the streets.

Reiner’s entire post-Warrior Candidate life happens because Marcel wants to keep his little brother safe.

It’s Zeke’s fault, but Colt hugging Falco means that Falco’s transformation kill Colt.

Zeke and Eren. Uh.

Bring out the red marker, because I think it would take less time to outline what area of the plot their grand plan hasn’t rained destruction all over.

This isn’t Evangelion, but good grief, if ever you wanted examples of people caring for each other as badly as they possibly can while maintaining vaguely good intentions, the sibling relationships covered in this chapter have your back.

Colt, to his credit, really is trying to be a good big brother, but. On the list of things Falco did not need, burning his brother to death is pretty high up there.

I’m going to try to stop being stunned by the fact this chapter really did happen now.

Colt, Gabi, and Falco have all been raised in an environment that encouraged hating themselves. The pinnacle of achievement in their lives is to be honored sacrifices for a country who doesn’t think they deserve life.

Gabi's been the star player in that show. Her innocence shatters with her psyche, and this arc has not been gentle in detailing that. She goes from being proud of her status and blowing things up with a laugh to shooting her greatest enemy in tears.

Falco’s been the precious cinnamon roll. He’s unfailingly kind. His goal has always been small: protect Gabi. He adjust to what he sees in front of him, and if it completely changes his worldview, that’s only the background. He’s still here for Gabi.

Colt, from the moment we meet him, is protecting his little brother. He picks Falco up and drags him away from trouble.

He’s Zeke’s successor, in theory. He doesn’t want Falco to ever inherit a Titan. That’s his role in the family. Their entire family is protected from the shame of his uncle’s rebellion through Colt volunteering.

Colt’s just a boy too.

Canon’s very familiar with child soldiers. Our cast is full of them. The land inside the walls has always been presented as a cruel world, and the fact that children regularly die training to become soldiers is their standard.

Warrior Candidates train so they will die.

Colt doesn’t join up because it’s better than working in the fields. It isn’t about saving face. His family’s quality of life is dependent on him doing everything he can to be the shiniest sacrifice of his age group.

It isn’t surprising that Marley uses children for their Warriors.

They’re eager to please and haven’t learned that they have personal agency. With the way Marley raises them, the goal is keeping them from ever learning that lesson to any functional degree. They obey and obey and obey until they die or their sanity snaps.

Because maybe it’ll get better. This small ray of hope is the only way out for their people or their families. Maybe.

Colt’s young. His mentor betrays his country, and now Zeke is the only thing standing between his little brother being okay or an inhuman monster.

The logical thing for Colt is to run straight up to Zeke, the leading spear of the enemy offensive, and beg him to wait for a little while so that Falco can get out of the line of fire. That’s what he has to work with. His love for his little brother and his confidence that the man he’s trained under doesn’t really want to hurt children.

Colt doesn’t understand the world any better than Gabi does, really.

He thinks, because he has a good heart, that that’s how people are. He thinks that the man who set up an entire plan based around robbing people of their autonomy will care more about a little boy than seeing that plan bear fruit.

He thinks it’s enough to argue that he loves his little brother.

Marleyans, Eldians. Those are just lines in the sand. They don’t really mean anything next to something like family. Colt’s little brother is right here, and Zeke can protect him.

So instead of running as far away from Zeke as possible from the start, Colt runs toward him and begs him for just a little time.

That was never going to work.

Colt thought it was worth the chance.

Much like every single Warrior Candidate since the program began.

Maybe it will work. Maybe this will save everyone.

Colt dies holding his little brother. There’s no point to it. It makes Falco more panicked than what’s already about to happen to him. It puts both of them at risk instead of just one.

Because Colt’s just a dumb kid, and he thinks that the most important thing he can do in his last moments of life is let his little brother know that he’s there.

He could have lived if he let Falco be on his own, but his life wasn’t what Colt cared about. So he dies.

He dies, and Porco spends his last moments making sure that Falco still has a chance to live.

Marcel hides his brother away from the supposed honor he’s earned to keep him safe. Marcel never wanted Porco to be a Titan. He wanted his kid brother safe, even if it meant never seeing him again.

Porco finally has the truth, and then he spots these two dumb kids running into a warzone for the same reason.

Marcel tried so hard to spare Porco this hell. It didn’t work. Porco found his way there anyway. And if he’s dying anyway, he’s going to die for something that can actually do some good.

Way to follow your big brother’s example, Pock.

None of this is going to help Reiner in any section of his life. At this point you have to hope the guy lives, just so surviving all of this can be something more than a trauma conga line. I could say something about how the most actively suicidal character of the present manga is continually denied death, and I’m sure it would be profound, but really by now I just feel bad for the guy.

I’m not sure any of these people want to be here, come to think of it.

I’m even less clear on why all of them being here is according to keikaku.

In other news, Eren gets shot.

After all his friends, once again, do their damnedest to keep him alive through his complete lack of regard for them. Without their help, Eren’s dead long before Gabi steps in.

Say thanks, Eren.

Gabi shooting people even after she’s learned that the world is horrifying and complicated should probably elicit something from me, but I’ve long been in the mode of wanting the kid to be left alone with a warm blanket and a hug. Add one more reason to the list.

Plus, there’s shooting people, then there’s shooting Eren.

Knowing far more about Eren than Gabi ever will, I’m not sure I’d want him to make contact with Zeke either. Gabi has made a trillion worse judgment calls.

It’s also somewhat appropriate.

Gabi is only there because Eren destroyed her home. She’s only alive because Sasha cared about letting a little girl live when Eren didn’t. Sasha was only there because Eren manipulated all of his friends into a combat situation none of them wanted.

I’m sure Eren has his reasons, and I’m sure when he inevitably dies for real I’ll have all kinds of emotions about it, but this is a case of him reaping what he sowed.

Hell, the gun’s got a scope and everything. The scene is crying out for a ghost of Sasha superimposed over Gabi.

Sorry your head got fucking blown off, Eren, maybe you should make better life choices.

Because what I keep ending up stuck on is why this is all happening. Clearly, now that this road has been chosen, there are a few things that demand attention, but this is such a finicky, overwrought way of trying to get two bros to hold hands.

“Let’s start a war!”

“Cool!”

Would it have been so hard to just kidnap Zeke.

I’m sure it would have raised some flags.

But.

-gestures to entire chapter-

I just feel like most of this could have been easily avoided by. you know. doing literally anything else. The exact trajectory of this plan can’t possibly be necessary. It isn’t even going well. Eren’s missing his head, Zeke is approaching Reiner levels of plot armor to keep him breathing, and all that’s really been achieved is creating a bunch of new titans and killing some people they could have killed anywhere else.

The plan itself is fundamentally destructive, yet they’ve still managed to make it destructive in a way that actively interferes with the plan going anywhere.

Congrats, gents.

Some random eight-year-old with a sniper rifle destroyed all your hard work.

Much surprise. Very wow.

The explanation for all of this is going to be something incredible.

Either because it’ll be brilliant or because it will continue the downward spiral into the chaotic groupthink of the Yeager Bros and their one brain cell.

I’m okay with whichever the story wants to go with.

[seeaddywrite]

written for alex manes appreciation week 2019, day one: “daydreaming with a broken heart.” i played fast and loose with the prompt, as always, but i am fairly proud that this is under 3k! shout out to my sister for reading through it to make sure it was at least coherent, even though this is not her fandom, & to @soberqueerinthewild for helping me modify my original idea that was not working when i started to something that did. 

disclaimers: alex’s views on mental health are not my views; keep in mind, his state of mind is not great in most of these moments, & he tends to be harder on himself than is really fair. 

warnings: unreliable narrator, PTSD, war-time, generally poor mental health. set mostly pre-canon, with some future-fic at the end. as always, guys, it’s angst with a happy ending. 

The first time Alex realizes that the entirety of the Atlantic Ocean can’t keep him away from Michael Guerin, he’s in the middle of the desert on his first deployment, crouching behind a crumbling wall in an outpost. Ostensibly, he’s trying to find a safe place to work, but in reality, he’s  really just attempting to keep the contents of his stomach where they belong, rather than splashed over the sand-covered floor.

Angry shouts in a language Alex only sort-of knows precede the rapid report of gunfire by a few seconds, but it’s still not enough time. His fingers move faster on the laptop he’d swiped from one of the empty rooms in the outpost; it’s covered in dust and the screen is cracked, but it’s functioning, which means there’s a chance Alex can hack into the communications network and get a radio message through to their back-up. He can rescue this entire clusterfuck op, can make sure his men get home. He can fucking do this; he just has to ignore the sweat dripping down his face and the shouts of screaming men and gunfire, and focus on the code.

“We’re sitting ducks in here, Manes! You better have a fucking plan!”

The bellow from Argent is nearly drowned out by the repetitive thunder of gunshots from his weapon, and Alex can’t spare a thought or an instant to respond. Being surrounded in an outpost in the middle of the desert isn’t great, but it’s a hell of a lot worse when there are only three friendlies, with the rest of their men at least a mile away with no way to know Alex’s guys are in need of rescue. Alex sucks in a lungful of humid air and focuses back on the screen in front of him, searching the flickering lines of code for a back-door entry to the communications array.

When Argent’s bellows keep coming, though, urging Alex to hurry, he lifts his gaze from the laptop screen exactly long enough to realize that the enemy is no longer simply shooting from outside — they’re in the fucking building now, and getting closer with every second. Alex does his best to swallow down the panic that swells in his chest, but his fingers shake on the keys in front of him, and his vision blurs. It’s too much — too much pressure, too much stress, too much, and Alex has never been able to come through for anyone when it really matters. He’s not strong like his brothers, not heartless like his father, and this is not the life he should have had. His incompetence is going to get his squad killed, and Alex is sucking air into his lungs, but he still can’t breathe.

“Since when are you the one who gives up?” The irritated, slightly mocking voice is so familiar, so real, that Alex’s head snaps around, certain that he’s about to find Guerin somehow in the middle of this mission alongside him. The thought doesn’t help the churning in his stomach or the panic still steadily mounting in his chest, but when he looks, there’s no one standing there. Another loud gunshot echoes through the room; closer, again. Closer all the time.

“Come on, Alex, you’ve got this. You can do shit like this in your sleep.” Michael doesn’t know that — Michael doesn’t even know that Alex has been taking computer classes since he was in middle school, but it’s what Alex needs to hear, and the tremors in his fingers and knees finally start to ease at the reminder. He can do things like this in his sleep. The communications array in these places are rarely even protected by a decent firewall; the real enemy here, Alex realizes, is himself. He can do this, and he will.

With a sudden surge of determination, Alex forces numb fingers to move, striking keys in rapid succession until he’s down to one stubborn line of code that just doesn’t want to cooperate. He hesitates at the sound of yelling behind him, but there’s a ghost of a caress on his cheek, drawing his attention back where it needs to be, and Alex doesn’t waste any time reminding himself that Michael can’t actually be here, that he’s probably hallucinating due to stress or exhaustion — because he doesn’t give a shit. The idea that Guerin stills cares enough to help him now is one that he desperately needs at the moment, and clings to it with both hands.

“Good,” Michael’s voice praises him, and later, Alex will wonder if the stress of this op cost him his sanity, since he’s hearing his ex-boyfriend’s voice from half a world away and actually feeling proud at the praise. Jesus Christ, apparently, war fucks people up a lot faster than Alex realized.

“Hey, stay with me,” that same, calm voice demands. “Take a deep breath and get this done. You’re okay.” Still half in the thrall of whatever psychotic break he has to be in the middle of, Alex obeys, hauling in more oxygen through his nose. As he does, the musky scent of cheap aftershave hits Alex’s nose somehow, over the smell of sweat and sand and electrical discharge, and for a moment, Alex is so sure that he’s safe that his body believes it. His fingers stop shaking, his focus sharpens — and less than a moment later, he finds the right line of code and corrects it, and the distress call goes out over the radios.

The other two men hear it and cheer, but Alex is too busy missing the phantom caress of a daydream on his cheek.

That’s not the last strange, dreamlike encounter Alex has with Michael in times of stress — an no, that’s not something that he’ll be admitting to his military-appointed shrink anytime soon, thanks just the same. He knows that Michael doesn’t really come to him when he’s scared or in pain, is well aware that it’s a trick of his subconscious as it yearns for the peace and safety of home, which he’d always found in Michael Guerin’s embrace. Psychologically, Alex thinks, it makes total sense. And most of the time when it happens, he’s too busy fighting for his life or the lives of others, to worry about what this might mean for him.

The day that they lose Argent, Michael is there, a phantom hand in his and a muted, grieving whisper in his ear reminding him that Argent would kick his ass if he got himself killed, too. When Alex ends up hacking into a the controlling element for weapons of mass destruction while his team engages hostiles, Michael’s there behind him, invisible hands on his shoulders, murmuring reassurances and sweet nothings until the goal is met and his team is safely on their way back. That time, Michael stays until the others arrive, and Alex would swear he feels arms around him while he shakes apart when the urgency is gone and he can no longer suppress the panic. When his men arrive and the feeling of Guerin disappears, Alex cries. The guys take it as a sign of pain, and insist on all but carrying him to their transpo unit, but even in the indignity doesn’t quite manage to stop his tears.

Time and time again, as the slow, grueling years of enlistment pass, Michael is there when Alex needs him, and the latter comes to rely on that knowledge. He doesn’t forget that it can’t be real, doesn’t pretend that he hasn’t gone half-mad in these damn deserts, and on his worst days, he curses himself for a fool for treating this as normal when it’s obviously a sign that he’s just as psychotic as his father. But if Alex can’t have Michael in the real world, and if he has to be at war, despite promising himself for at least fifteen years that he would never take this path, Alex feels like he deserves this one, small thing. He’s not hurting anyone else — only himself — after all.

Alex doesn’t remember the explosion that took his foot and part of his leg. He remembers running when the tell-tale whine of an incoming bomb hit his ears, and the sound of panicked screams of the villagers and soldiers alike in the village. He remembers the images as if looking through a kaleidoscope; the brown of the sand, the blue of the sky, the open-mouthed expressions of horror and panic on the faces around him. He remembers his own ragged breathing and the strain in his muscles as he tries to make it out of the impact zone  —

And he remembers the hand in his, dragging him along when he stumbles. “Move, Alex, move! Don’t you dare stop! Don’t you fucking dare!” Alex has never heard Michael sound quite so panicked; even when Jesse Manes took a hammer to his hand, Michael had only ever screamed in pained fury. Now, his tone is desperate, bordering on frantic, and somehow, if only to appease Michael and keep that sound from his voice, Alex manages to run faster.

He wakes up in a VA hospital in Germany ten days later, sans nearly half of his right leg. The doctors tell him that there’s an infection in the residual limb, and that they’re worried about his fever, so he vaguely understands that he’s hallucinating when Michael perches on the side of his hospital bed. It seems so real that Alex allows himself to forget, just this once, that it isn’t. He wants to escape the reality that he’s going to be forced to endure for the rest of his life, and the only way that’s possible is with Guerin.

It’s the only time he ever sees Michael in one of these episodes. Every other encounter, it’s just been his ghost, able to touch and be touched but never seen. Now, though, Michael looks terrible as he brushes tender fingers through Alex’s regulation-length hair, his own knotted and greasy, with giant, bruise-like shadows beneath his eyes. “Fuck, Alex,” he breathes, his voice so rough that Alex knows he’s holding back tears. “I thought — when we were running, I thought —

Alex steadfastly ignores that he’s talking to a voice in his head and squeezes Michael’s hand. It’s the good one, the one without the scars and damage inflicted by Jesse Manes all those years ago, and he’s grateful for that. With his mind woozy from pain meds and fever, Alex doesn’t think he could put that awful night back in its mental lockbox if something pulled it out. “Not dead,” he mutters, wishing he could make his voice louder. But his throat is dry and he’s just so fucking tired, and the barely-there whisper is all he can manage. “You saved me.”

Michael shakes his head, so vehemently his curls fall over his eyes. “No way, Alex. You saved yourself. Just like always.” There’s a gentle touch at his brow, and Alex almost allows his eyes to close — but he’s suddenly terrified that if he does, Michael will disappear, and he’ll be left alone, staring at the place on his body where his right foot should be, and he doesn’t think he can do that yet. So Alex just stares at him, turning his head when Michael shifts so that he never leaves his line of sight. He drinks him in like a man dying of thirst, clinging to his good hand, and the soft kiss to his forehead makes his eyes burn with tears. “God, I love you,” he murmurs. “And I’m so fucking proud of you.”

The tears spill over this time, because those are words Alex has never heard before, not outside of Maria’s joking proclamations or one of the guys’ sarcastic retorts, and he knows, in his bones, that Michael means it.

That’s probably why he has to be sedated when the nurse comes in and Alex is left completely and utterly alone.

Two years later, when Alex is back in Roswell and finally free of the military and his father, he curls into Michael’s naked body and buries his head in his neck, inhaling the familiar musky scent of cheap aftershave. It’s humid and dry outside, like a true desert summer, and the intersection of each of those circumstances sends him back to that very first mission, where he’d very nearly frozen and gotten all of his men killed. Alex swallows, the memory full of shame and residual fear, and Michael immediately tightens his grip around his waist.

“Hey,” he murmurs, and Alex turns his face up to look at his newly-reinstated boyfriend with a questioning tilt to his eyebrow. They’ve come a long way from those scared teenaged boys in a shed, and Alex can now look at Michael and see the man he’s become. Strong, brilliant, brave . . . alien. That last part doesn’t scare him anymore, though when Alex had believed there was a chance he could lose Michael to the cosmos, it had. They’ve done battle together, now, and not just in Alex’s head. They’ve faced down Jesse Manes and a serial killing alien. They worked together to bring Max Evans back from the dead, and reintegrate Rosa Ortecho back into society with a new identity. The two of them have a family, now, a real one, and it starts with each other.

“I’m okay,” Alex says, half of his mouth lilting upward in a half-smile. “Just — remembering.”

Michael shifts, running a hand down Alex’s bare back, and waits for the explanation. Alex considers a moment, then chuckles ruefully. “When I left to join the Air Force,” he begins, bracing himself for the instinctive flinch the words evoke from Michael. It’s a sore point between them even now, when they’ve finally sorted everything out, and Alex knows that only time will bleed the pain from those memories. “I guess I kind of — lost it, a little. Every time something went wrong, every time I was in danger, I used to . . . imagine you were there.” The tops of Alex’s ears feel hot with embarrassment, and if it weren’t for Michael’s arms around him, he’d probably try to pull away.

Instead, he manages a crooked smile. “Don’t worry, I know that sounds insane. I just —” He shrugs self-consciously, not wanting to dive into too many of the details. It’s bad enough that he’s just admitted to his most closely-guarded secret out loud; he doesn’t need Michael to know exactly how pathetic he’d been. “I guess I just wanted to feel like you were with me, even when you couldn’t be. And it — you — saved me. Kept pushing me to run when I wanted to give up, the day this happened.” He taps his bad leg to illustrate, and hides his face back in the warmth of Michael’s neck, hoping they can just go to sleep and stop talking about this.

Michael keeps stroking his back, slow and comforting, and there’s no judgement in his body language, so Alex manages to relax after a moment. This is what he’s needed for years; just Michael, holding him. The rest of it doesn’t matter, because as long as Alex can count on this, he knows he’s in no danger of truly losing his mind.

He’s on the verge of sleep when Michael shifts beneath him, rolling so that they’re face to face on the pillow rather than tucked into one another. A hint of mischief sparks in his eyes, and there’s a tilt to his smile that suggests he knows something Alex doesn’t. When he finally speaks, the words are so familiar, so specific, that all Alex can do is gape at him in incredulity.

“No way, Alex. You saved yourself. Just like always.”

[itoldheraboutyou]

notes: i did a thing. surprisingly junior was easier to write than blas which i didn’t expect and thought you should know. the swearing is creative liberty i just have a head canon that junior swears a lot. also this was inspired by a goddamn drake and josh episode so. i’ll stop now.

words: 3,549

junior's pov

it's been four months. four months since my entire world came crashing down right in front of my eyes. the funny thing is, i was the one who destroyed it. i was so sure he was gunna leave, so sure he'd get sick of me someday and move on. i guess my self conscience just figured we'd get it over with sooner rather than later. the thing is, at the time i didn't know i was self-sabotaging. i thought the best way to keep him would be a living thing, a responsibility binding him to me. turns out i should've gone with a dog like i wanted to in the first place. god, i don't know what i was thinking. you know what, i wasn't, obviously, or i wouldn't be here, dancing off my 4th shot with my soon to be fuck of the night. i'm just having fun, don't know what's wrong with wanting to feel good. even if it's only for a few hours, doesn't really matter. he needs me more than i need him. he's probably sleeping alone, unlike me who is definitely getting dicked down tonight.

"get up!"

i groan, rolling myself over. the other side of the bed is cold, meaning what's his face must've left right after we finished. that's why i like bringing my one night stands here, it's their responsibility to get up and out of here before the rest of the house wakes up. the only downside is dante, he doesn't exactly appreciate being woken up at 3 am and having to go to the playroom for peace and quiet. not like i really give a fuck though.

"get," a pillow hits my back. "UP!"

i sigh, sitting up and rubbing aimlessly at the sleep in my eyes. "romeo, what the hell?"

romeo's standing at the side of my bed, equipped with another pillow. "junior, it's 12. get up and do something for christ's sake!"

i squint at him. "what do you want me to do?"

romeo rolls his eyes, snatching the pillow back up from where it was on top of me. "literally anything, i don't know, look for a job maybe?"

"good one, romeo. really." i chuckle sarcastically, gathering the covers back up and laying down again. "now get out of here i was up till 5."

"junior, come on," he yanks the blankets off my body, resulting in a surprised yelp from me. "seriously, what happened to your job at the orphanage?"

"why do you care?" i bite, annoyed at how invasive he's being.

"because junior, you're my little brother. you've been doing nothing but drinking and fucking random guys for the last four months, i think i'm allowed to be a little concerned." he says, and i cross my arms.

"well you aren't, i'm fine, like i've told you a million fucking times. leave me alone!" but he doesn't listen and gets persistent, because he's romeo.

he hits me with the pillow again, and i scowl. "you aren't fine, this isn't fine! i have nothing against you going out and having a good time every once in awhile, but not every single day. this isn't healthy."

"oh, are you a doctor now? how would you know what's healthy for me and what isn't?" i spit back, clearly agitated. how dare he, why does he think he has any say in my life?

"i don't have to be a doctor to know that getting drunk every night isn't good for you."

"ya, well, i don't really care what you think is good for me. i'm an adult and i can make my own damn decisions." i say, my voice finally sounding a bit normal again after waking up.

romeo looks at me for a second, worry behind his eyes. then he turns around and tosses the two pillows back onto dante's bed where he got em'. "you may be an adult but you're acting like a child." i roll my eyes, i am not. "you don't have to care what i think is good for you, just, get dressed and come with me while i run errands today. please."

"what errands?" if this will shut him up, then i guess it's worth it. i throw my legs over the side of my bed, waiting for an answer.

"grocery shopping and then dante forgot some papers here this morning, so i gotta go to the bar and drop them off."

i glare at him until he realizes why i'm so put off by that.

"blas is off today."

i know. "whatever, i thought we established that i've been over him." liar. i try and push the anxiety out of my head. i'm not lying, i'm over him.

i get up out of bed and stretch, shooing romeo out of the room so i can get dressed. i'm not lying, he needs me way more than i need him. he'll come crawling back eventually... i hope.

grocery shopping isn't that bad, it actually feels good to do something normal. but the hurt still buzzes around in the back of my head, making me want to get a buzz. as much as i love romeo, there's no denying who i actually want to be doing this with. i don't even think we did this when we were together, but, i don't know, i always considered this a domestic goal of sorts. just something i wanted and never got, like a lot of things in my life. definitely over him though.

on the way to the bar is when romeo brings up the orphanage. "so are you going to tell me why you haven't been to the orphanage?"

i sigh, ignoring eye contact by staring out the car window. "it was a starting point, so i could make money while thinking about what i really wanna do." hopefully my years of bullshitting my way through high school papers can be put to some good use here. though to be fair, what i said wasn't entirely bullshit.

"okay well, for that to be valid you still have to be working there. and don't tell me what you "really wanna do" is get pissed every night and hoe around. that doesn't count."

"really? "hoe around?" i look over at him, not even bothering to cover a smile. he throws me a glare and i go back to looking out the window. "working just isn't my thing, alright?" he can drag me around all he wants but it doesn't mean he gets a productive conversation out of it.

"okay, now i want the real reason-"

"i'm here, romeo." i snap, gaining his attention. "don't push."

surprisingly, romeo doesn't pester me the rest of the way there. he leaves our conversation where it was and we get out of the car, heading into the bar. romeo holds the door open for me and i walk in with my head down. the second i look up, my breath gets caught in my throat. blas is working today, dante must've changed his schedule. romeo notices him too, which is why he grabs my arm.

"you can go wait in the car this'll only take a sec-"

"why would i wait in the car?" i interrupt, staring daggers at him. he gets the message.

"come with me in the back then. we'll find dante, get him the papers and get out of here."

i shake my head, removing his hand from my arm. my eyes haven't left blas this entire time. he's with someone. "you go ahead, i'll be fine."

romeo looks over at blas and sees the new development to the situation. "junior stay here, okay? i'll be right back." he looks torn as he takes a step away from me, but finally he apprehensively disappears into the back.

i get why he was so scared to leave me alone, because i disregard everything he just said and walk right up to blas and his new friend.

blas' pov

4 months of absolute hell, and i'm not even exaggerating when i say that. it's only hell on the inside though, on the outside i'm doing pretty okay. not great, but pretty okay. it's worsened over the last few days though, having lucre tell me about junior's daily "boyfriends" didn't help at all. that was essentially what drove me to confront junior, which inevitably blew up in my face. just seeing him again, god it's taken me awhile to recover. that comment is also why i started following junior on instagram again, and why i'm regretting that now. his story from last night is showing a picture of him and one of these so called daily "boyfriends". a surge of jealousy and hurt run through me. i quickly scroll out of it and exit instagram, hoping it'll calm me down. i don't even know where all this jealousy came from to be honest, i've never been that guy. but everything is... was different with junior. he made me feel things i've never felt, and now we're apart and he's moved on. as i said, pretty okay but also hell.

i look up from my phone to see francisco walk in, waving. i give him the best smile i can muster and wait for him to get over here. "hey, sorry we had to reschedule," i start once he's reached me. "i'm like dante's only good bartender."

"it's okay, i honestly thought you had work today anyway. maybe i should start learning your schedule." he says, almost as a nudge to something else. but i act as if it's gone over my head.

"maybe. so you ready to go?"

"uh, ya, so i was thinking we-"

"blas, hi."

i don't even have to look up to know who interrupted francisco, i'd know the voice anywhere. my heart skips more than a few beats upon seeing junior stood in front of us, despite having seen him only a few days ago. he looks disheveled but awake, which is strange these days. his eyes are still as pretty as ever though. sometimes it blows my mind that he questioned my love for him when he looks like that. i know it runs deeper, he just never let me go that deep.

"hey," i say, trying to look pretty okay and not surprised. "you're out of bed."

"mhm."

every angry part of me dissolves when i see him. all i've ever wanted to do was protect him from every demon that haunts his pretty little head, which is why the anger is replaced with worry.

"are you doing okay?" i ask, raising an eyebrow. junior's expressions stay neutral, giving me no indication of whether or not i'm saying the right things.

"i'm fine, who's this?" he asks, doing a once over of francisco.

when junior and i started dating, i thought it'd be him i would be introducing to my exes. turns out i was very wrong. "junior, this is francisco." the words die on my tongue by the end, but they don't even notice as francisco goes to shake his hand. junior doesn't take it. i don't blame him, i didn't exactly treat one of his daily "boyfriends" with any courtesy.

"new boyfriend?" junior asks stiffly, his hands still in his pockets like they were at the beginning of the conversation. he's holding back, i can tell.

"maybe, just getting to know each other." francisco answers, sending me a confused look.

"you know what, blas, i'll wait outside for you, okay?" i nod, and before i can stop myself i give him a quick peck before sending him on his way. the anger might of left, but the pettiness did not.

"well, i gotta go, romeo will be out soon." i look back over at him, ready to present a triumphant smile, but i'm met with glassy eyes and a low demeanor. "nice seeing you."

with that, he turns to walk away. something in me starts to nag, so i call after him. "junior!" he faces me again, and i drag my teeth over my lower lip. "please take care of yourself."

he doesn't even answer me, just hurries romeo out of the back and exits.

francisco and i have a nice time, but it's not over fast enough. i find myself counting the minutes until francisco pulls into my complex parking lot. it's raining pretty heavily, and it gets louder as the car idles and we park.

"thanks, i had a lot of fun tonight. i'll call you-" my hands on the car door when francisco stops me.

"blas, wait."

"what?" you could say i'm a little annoyed as all i've wanted to do the past couple hours is go home, crawl into bed and never come out. well, at least not until work tomorrow.

"that guy, earlier... is he your ex?" i nod, albeit a little confused. why is he bringing this up?

"look, i think you're great, but it's painfully obvious you're still in love with him." i've been got, gal.

"painfully?" i chuckle in attempt to turn it into a joke. he doesn't laugh, so i drop the act. "i didn't think it was that obvious."

he sighs, looking at his lap with his hands still gripping the steering wheel. "i just don't wanna be with someone who's still mentally in another relationship."

"and that's valid," i squeeze my eyes shut for a second, realizing what this is. i've been being a total dick to him and i didn't even realize it. "no, you're right. i wasn't present with you at all tonight, and i apologize. you're a good guy and you deserve someone... who's not me."

francisco gives me a sympathetic smile, putting a hand on my shoulder. "i would say call me when you get over him but-"

"i don't think i ever will be." i interrupt, shaking my head. i'll move on eventually, but not from him. i'll look for him all my life.

"i figured. have a good night, blas." i say goodbye and jump out of the car, trying not to get soaked as i run to my apartment.

i make some mate, which just happens to be all i have to drink. junior always did the grocery shopping, and ya we didn't live together long but it's hard to forget once you fall into a routine. i'm just about to pour myself some when there's a knocking at the door. i frown, looking over at the clock on the stove. it's 10:30, who the hell could be over here at 10:30 when it's practically storming? almost as if on que, there's a crack of thunder.

it's followed up with another furious knocking, and then i hear it. "blas? blas, open up. please!" it's junior. again, could recognize his voice anywhere. it's embarrassing how quickly i get to the door, unlocking it and throwing it open.

"junior-"

he barrels inside, barely giving me time to close the door before he goes off. "blas, i'm sorry, okay!" he's crying, but it could also be the rain, i'm not sure. he's absolutely drenched head to toe, shivering, and he wants to do this now?! "i'm sorry, i was wrong, i need you way more than you need me!"

"what-"

"i was an idiot four months ago, okay? i was so fucking sure you were gunna leave me because i refuse to acknowledge my abandonment issues so i rushed things instead of telling you how afraid i was but- it all just got so out of hand i- i... i'm sorry."

"junior, what the-"

"no, let me finish! please blas just," he runs a shaking hand through his wet hair, looking more broken than when we separated at the clinic. "getting shitfaced and fucking different guys every night doesn't help the fact that i haven't slept properly in four months. it doesn't help the fact that i don't even know where to start on figuring my life out when i only see you in it. it doesn't help the fact that romeo took me grocery shopping today and all i could think about was how i wish it was you and- and-" junior collapses to his knees, sobbing.

i drop with him, engulfing him in a protective hug. "hey, hey, it's okay." i try and soothe him. after a few moments the sobbing subsides, and junior carefully lifts his head from where it had made it to my chest. i wipe his tears with my thumb, practically feeling my heart break seeing him so defeated.

"it's not okay." he says in a small voice, and i lift my hand to cup his cheek. "and i don't deserve you."

"you do-"

he cuts me off again. "i don't. i'm the biggest fuck up in the world and yet you're still here, protecting me." his voice breaks, sounding lost.

"that's because you see a fuck up," i smile down at him fondly. "i see a human being who has issues just like every other human being does." he smiles back even if it's just the tiniest bit, and i realize he's still practically dripping. "come on, let's get you into something dry, ya? it doesn't look like you'll be going home." i say, and more thunder cracks as proof.

after changing myself, i walk into the bedroom to see junior standing in the doorway. the exact spot we had our first kiss. the rain isn't exactly helping the nostalgia. i join him though, observing him as he stares off somewhere in the other direction.

"you were wrong ya know," i break the silence, causing him to snap out of his trance and look at me. "about you needing me more than i need you."

"i doubt it."

"really? cuz i haven't slept properly for four months either. fuck junior, most nights i don't sleep. all i ever have in the house is mate, and a day doesn't go by where i don't miss you next to me. and it's hell."

junior looks up at me, and suddenly i can't hold back anymore. something about junior makes me fearless. though i think this is less fear and more just the need to be closer. before i can connect our lips, junior stops me. could he make this anymore like our first kiss?!

"wait, i just, i need you to know some things first." i don't draw back, but i nod, allowing him to speak. he lets out a shaky sigh, and i grab his hand for reassurance.

"i need you to know that i want to go to therapy, work on not only my anxiety but my abandonment issues. i've realized that's what's caused most of our past fights, me not knowing how to balance myself out and be rational. but i want to learn, not just for us but like... for me."

i smile, cupping his cheek with the hand that's not holding onto his. looking into his eyes, i can tell he's being sincere. and honestly, this is all i've ever wanted from him. to admit his issues to himself and want to work on them, even before we were together. i never wanted him changing for me, hell i fell in love with this dorky idiot in high school, i've always liked who he is.

"i would love to stand around and tell you how proud i am of you," junior chuckles, rolling his eyes. "but i haven't touched you in four months, can i kiss you now?"

"please." he practically whimpers, and who am i to deny either is us of what we want?

there's no fireworks when our lips meet or a cliche pop song playing in the background like they try and sell as reunions in movies, but it's perfect. it's my perfect. i let go of his hand and slowly move mine up to his face, letting them snake down his body. his arms sling around my neck, and i clutch at his waist. he doesn't taste like he did four months ago, now it's more like safe and not knowing what he wants, but hopeful. the thing is, normally i criticize him for not having a goal which is so stupid because i don't even know what mine is. it's been him for so long, even when i lost him it was still him. i guess we have a lot to figure out together. i kiss him over and over again, not even caring how desperate i'm being. i know what deprivation feels like, and i never want to feel it again.

after awhile we separate, panting, resting our foreheads together. "wait, what- what about that guy you were with earlier?" he really has some of the worst timing.

"broke up," i kiss him again. "something about how painfully obvious it was that," another kiss. "i'm still in love with you."

we kiss again, and junior smiles into it. my heart practically goes crazy, i've missed that.

"well... are you?"

"never stopped being in love with you, never will." i mumble, moving to kiss down his jawline.

"good, cuz i didn't-" i earn a moan out of him. "either."

"bed?" he nods excessively. we have four months to make up for.

[solatgif]

TGIF: Roundup for November 12, 2021

Pastors should preach a beautiful vision of sexuality, the importance of discipleship, and the need for helpers to come alongside those who are addicted to sexual sin. Check out our new interview on How to Help Someone who Struggles with Pornography.

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Books, Podcasts, Music, And More

9Marks: On Nine Marks of a Healthy Church (4th Edition)

In this Pastors Talk episode, Jonathan Leeman chats with Mark Dever about the book’s history, and how this edition introduces two “additional” marks.

Citizens Church: What a Beautiful Name

Citizens shared their cover of What a Beautiful Name, and it’s a unique sound that I find to be characteristic of their church! A quick tempo, distinct instrumentals, and beautiful vocals build to a devastatingly beautiful climax and hauntingly holy conclusion.

Related: Find more worship music from churches in my article More Than Conquerors.

Aaron Lee: Related Works

Book Reviews: Patience: Waiting with Hope by Megan Evans Hill, Singleness: Living Faithfully by Jenilyn Swett, and Abiding in God’s Presence by Stephanie O. Hubach. Listen to our TGIF playlist on Spotify. Join my Asian American Worship Leaders Facebook group.

Featured This Week On SOLA Network

Tim St. John: How to Help Someone who Struggles with Pornography: An Interview with Deepak Reju and Jonathan Holmes

“The Gospel is the power of God to change people. If you’ve given up, you’ve given up on God changing you. And there is hope for you, no matter how bad the struggle there is nobody, absolutely nobody beyond God’s grace.”

Fred Mok: ​​Two Lessons I Learned from “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill”

“It is by the scandalous grace of God that He employs flawed people to achieve significant eternal impact.”

Andrew Kerhoulas: One More Sunday: An Encouragement from the Church in China

“God uses our Chinese brothers and sisters like a pilot light for the global Church.”

TGIF: Roundup for November 5, 2021

Lord, Restore the Years the Swarming Locusts Have Eaten / On Raising Men for Ministry: Lessons from a Former Solo Pastor / Christ Struggled Against Impatience, Too

General disclaimer: Our link roundups are not endorsements of the positions or lives of the authors.

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 6X2 Two and a Half Men

heh I understand that reference

ok got my tea and candle and lava lamp yeehaw

"as close to happiness as I've seen a hunter get" is stuck in my brain for some reason

oH GOOD SHAPESHIFTER I DO LOVE THE GOO

that's a hell of an image to open on why are people bleeding

hey the boots went away

they're coming back aren't they

OH THAT IS A WHOLE ASS DEAD BODY

there went the mom

is that the...colt?

they're moving?

ooo the quick cover up of "let your mom unpack the kitchen by yourself" was neat

ope baby's gone

ah he gets the pizza to keep them in

~paranoia

poor samuel and the computers

ah yes Bitchy Soulless Sam

it's always the security company

"you will never shoot a gun" :(

Dean's like...a lot angrier but the world isn't as angry? like it makes him a bit unsympathetic I think

yep mans is spiraling

he's paranoid but he's Big and Tall

Ah Sam got in there and everyone is already dead

yay bloody footprints

get GOT SAM

it's a shapeshifter whee

the salt on the windows

Sam just say something come on

ah they're being Mysterious

..the baby..SAM THE BABY??

OH MY GOD SAM GOT SO PANICKED HE BROUGHT THE BABY TO THE ONLY PLACE HE COULD THINK, HIS GODDAMN BROTHER BECAUSE HE'S GOOD WITH THEM

she kicked him out to go hunt, good, that might help

yes I know it won't just-

aw the lil baby smile

DEAN GETS ANGSTY ABOUT THE SEAT BELTS AHHAH

supplies foR THE BABY SAM

DEAN KNOWING ABOUT BABIES AHAHAH

and yep the baby is crying

"make it stop" "how"

DEAN YOU ARE CANONICALLY GOOD WITH KIDS OH MY GOD CMON MAN

yes, it's funny, but it makes no SENSE

ooo the security cameras were a nice touch

THE PEELING SKIN JESUS CHRIST

SHIT license plate

ah shifts into a police officer

the pan to the dead people is like...it's neat

"i'll pay you money if you sit still" AHAHA

AW HE HUMS THE BABY SMOKE ON THE WATER

Sam is Amused

FINALLY

ah he must have panicked

SAM HE LITERALLY RAISED YOU STFU

DEAN JUST WANTS A KID AW

doesn't want to raise a hunter kid aw

ah Dean accidentally made Lisa and Ben do the Fear thing his dad did

"dad always said it was temporary" jesus

Sam that's horseshit "not turn into dad" LITERALLY LOOK AT BOBBY

NOT THE ALCOHOL FOR THE BABY WHAT THE FUCK

the patchwork shirt feels like a nice touch

oh...came back early

it's the shifter masquerading...it's the shifter's KIDS??

THE KID EXPLODED?

THE KID JUST SHIFTED INTO A DIFFERENT KID

our father? huh?

"it's not it's fault it's dad's a shifter" Sam you bastard

please fucking tell me Samuel doesn't kill the kid

"not every hunter is a head case" wow ringing endorsement

"he's like you" "I'm a head case" at least you're admitting it

ah yes the Dean isolation shot

the cousins make me anxious

boy John really burned Dean huh

Family doesn't really mean as much as these guys think it does

"raise him" that's not what he expected huh

he instantly goes to torture? I wonder why

that's...that's a nice thing?

No I'm with Dean on this, I don't trust him on this either

yeah lots of mystery

"it's a boy. Sometimes"

this is putting me on edge

"bEcAuSe He'S a HunTeR" SAMUEL DID YOU SEE HOW JOHN FUCKING RAISED YOU

FUCK YOU DON'T SAY HUNTING DOESN'T SUCK

oo one of the cousins is dead

no seriously they're shot in such a terrifying way they HAVE to be the bad guys right

oh look it's another Sam

Man I wonder if Dean's like...vaguely scared of his brother

is fighting yourself supposed to be Like That? because his self loathing is pretty strong

ah Dean holding the baby wouldn't get flagged

ALPHA

ADJFPSIF

Strongest ShapeShifter

can just Feel the baby that's helpful

Ah Sam would know the alpha was out there

using the baby as bait

soulless Sammmm

I wouldn't trust them either man

who''' is he talking to?

ah the Dean Angst

he doesn't wanna be his dad :(((

This is Who You Are i hate this

he doesn't wanna be here though

heyyy proud of Lisa: I need you to go

long distance so they're not both miserably

it's something?

oh my god SMOKE ON THE WATER

oo he looks good

ooo that was a NICE final shot

ok

1. shifters. Regardless of big Daddy Alpha Shifter, I liked the reflecting eyes, the way the casual silence was up there, the vibes of the shifter and the lore was solid.

2. vibe. You can kinda tell the grungy vibe of supernatural is gone with the kripke era. it's a lot less Stylized? Vibey?

3. fucking NEEDLEDROP. Smoke on the water! chekov's gunn'ed too! and the FINAL SHOT OF HIM SMILING. like did I like the "hunting is Cool and you should Do it and all of that shit they were doing ? fuck no. It was stupid, inconsistent and made no sense. but good final shot.

4. Lisa. Is way more understanding than she should be. And she's kinda one dimensional. but it's nice seeing somewhat assertive girl characters.

5. Sam(uel) and the cousins. Listen. The family thing is getting leaned on HARD and it's making my skin crawl. both episodes included a pointed Setup, there's something happening.

6. yknow, soulless sam is actually really fucking funny

7. Dean is good with kids, but not when he panics. That's how I'm interpreting that

[abalonetea]

Wanna See Me Rant? Too Bad, It’s Happening

A lot of people don’t like South Park and don’t watch it because of the crude humor. I’ve just been thinking about this a lot, especially in light of the most recent episode, Put It Down, and I feel like it’s more sad of a truth than ever. The crude humor gives it a very bad reputation and, like, I get that? I’m not into the gross jokes – and I’m calling out I Shouldn’t Have Gone Ziplining specifically here, thank you very much, let’s not even get started on the Red Rocket episode, Christ, boys.

But there are so many good points too that often get overlooked because people are so hyperfocused on the gross jokes. Like, first, I hate most crude humor? Adam Sandler’s more recent movies (like Click) are the bane of my existence. I couldn’t even finish watching the new Baywatch movie because it was nothing but poorly done and pointless sex jokes. I firmly believe that comedy is meant to be funny.

And South Park is.

A really good episode that was focused on gross humor was Pee. It was one of my favorite episodes. I thought that it was hysterical – also I totally agreed with Kyle, public pools are gross!

But, like, I always wish that people could go beyond the humor and the gross jokes so, uh, if anyone is interested in knowing why I, personally, think that South Park is a great show check this out?

*Canon gay characters before shows actively tried to be PC and put gay characters in. Garrison, Sparky, Satan, Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave have been staple characters for years. Big Gay Al was first seen in Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride which aired September 3, 1997. The entire episode was about how it was A-Okay to be gay. In 1997. We’re in 2017 and Disney still hasn’t had characters that are as openly gay as South Park.

*Timmy Burch. Just – fucking Timmy Burch. He first appeared in The Toothfairy Tats 2000, which aired on April 5, 2000. To this day, Timmy (along with Jimmy Valmer) are two of the most praised handicapped characters that have ever graced animated television. Timmy is in a wheelchair and has a limited vocabulary – most assume that he suffers from cerebral palsy, something that I agree with. Despite this, he is constantly seen playing with the other kids, being involved in the scams that go on, and even having entire episodes based around him. Timmy loves heavy metal rock, is a conniving son of a bitch when he wants to be, and there are never jokes made about how he is less than other kids, which is something that is frequently done in comedies. Timmy never gets a redemption episode because there is no point in the series where he has to prove himself better, or even equal too, the other kids. At the same time, his disability isn’t ignored – the other kids grow very concerned when Father Maxie explains that you have to speak to confess your sins to God, and the episode is spent actively trying to find a way around this for Timmy.

*Kenny McCormick. That is all.

*A better explanation – Kenny McCormick is poor. He is dead ass dirt poor. His family lives in a trailer that, minus the cars and the rats, resembles one of the houses my family used to live in. Representation of every kind matters. South Park frequently pokes fun at the Food Stamps system, citing problems that my family has had to endure. They make fun of how church food drives are run and the food given out – using conversations that are almost verbatim for thoughts I have had, while sitting in line for the food pick-up at a church who goes out of their way to make you feel small, insignificant, and less.

*On Novemeber 16, 2011 we were given the pure relief of an episode called The Poor Kid. This has gone down, for me, as one of my all time favorite episodes of any show that I have watched, ever, period. This episode is perfection. South Park doesn’t shy away from using real life situations in their show. They handle subjects that other series, even live-action shows, refuse to cover. Like how being taken away from your abusive home isn’t always the best, like how the foster care system is falling apart and failing, like how a big brother would do anything to keep their little sister safe and happy. Honestly, if you never watch any other episode of South Park, you should still watch this episode. Cartman is there for what I can only describe as background comedy that no one pays attention too because what is happening with Kenny and his sister is so fucking real and important.

*There are episodes where it’s nothing more than kids being kids, and it gives me life. The Losing Edge from 2005 instantly comes to mind.

*Back to the serious bits – this is a show with countless characters that suffer from various mental afflictions, and those issues are handled in realistic, believable, and understandable ways. Characters that come to mind instantly are Tweek, Stan, Kenny, Cartman, Butters, Linda Stotch, Randy Marsh, Thomas – honestly, the list is seemingly endless. Tweek’s anxieties and paranoia are something that I relate to on a personal level. We see episodes that feature characters who have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, paranoid schizophrenia, tourette’s syndrome, alcoholism, addictive personalities, hoarding problems, multiple personality disorder, and dementia (this episode was heartbreaking). We cover Asperger’s (another one that hits home for me, personally), suicidal tendencies, child abuse, and other problems that are faced in the real world.

*Eric Cartman is an asshole and that is never shied away from. But it’s also shown that he’s an asshole with no parental guidance, no rules that he’s made to follow at home, and a distinct array of mental problems.

*Jimmy fucking Valmer is a bad-ass on crutches. No line will ever be funnier than “are you going to break both of his legs, PC Principle? Are you really?”

*They make fun of every religion equally. I see a lot of people who refuse to watch the show because it’s “antisemetic” and, uh, yeah, Cartman’s kind of a dick in that regard? But he’s also a ten year old boy in a fictional universe filled with dumbass adults that have never taught him better. Also, something people tend to forget is that one of the creators of the show is actually Jewish. We have seen Catholicism, Judaism, Christianity, Scientology, Buddhism, and several other religions poked fun at.

*Gnomes.

*Chef Goes Nanners is an episode devoted to explaining that, by viewing something only according to race, you’re still being racist. In fact, they tackle racism a lot. The character Token Black is literally introduced in an episode that makes fun of how many shows (most shows) have a singular black character, the token black character, that is meant to make their show diverse and just makes it seem racist and stupid.

I could actually continue to site a fuck ton of other episodes. South Park is one of the longest running shows, ever. It’s on the twenty first season. To this day, I have never seen a show more diverse, more ready and willing to tackle issues and problematic topics, than South Park. It makes me sad that so many people write it off as stupid, immature, and a waste of time because it is so, so much more than that!

Basically I just have a lot of feelings about South Park and am tired of seeing it get shit on so often by people that have literally never watched a single episode of the show.

[beatriceinmessina]

American Horror Story: Cult Rewatch--Episode V, “Holes”

SPOILERS for the entire season, William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire.

Richard, Duke of Gloucester, kisses Lady Macbeth’s hand.  (Screenshot by me, from Netflix.)

The episode opens with Beverly reporting on crimes that she knows the cult has committed.  More fear-mongering.  Luckily Bob has noticed that her stories are inconsistent.  He may be a sleazeball, but you know what?  He’s my hero for having some goddamn common sense!

Current members of the cult as of the second scene of this episode: Kai, Winter, Samuels, Harrison, Gary, R.J., and Beverly (Meadow doesn’t seem to be at the meeting, since she’s still “missing”).  When did R.J. join?  I’m assuming Beverly introduced him since he’s her cameraman, but why did he join?  Did he and Kai do pinky power?  I would have liked to see that.

Kai claims that the perception of credibility leads to the perception of power, and that people don’t follow experts, but titles.  He’s not entirely wrong--if you have enough charisma and are a good enough liar, anything you say can be believed.  It worked with Trump, and it works with Shakespeare villains.  Also, he’s equal-opportunity with the slapping--he slaps R.J. right before telling him this.

The whole idea of throwing Satanism is a bit hilarious given that that’s what’s going to be happening in, oh… one season.

Ivy is revealed to be part of the cult, since she arrives to the meeting late.  

When recounting to Dr. Vincent how she’s strapped for money since Ivy cancelled the credit cards, Ally says, “It was like she prepared.”  She’s right; Ivy did prepare.  The gaslighting and torment is making Ally paranoid--but ironically, she’s catching on to the cult because of their attempts to drive her insane.

Winter apologizes to Ivy that Oz had to find the video, so Ivy knew that Winter would try and seduce Ally, using it as an excuse to take Oz away from her and make Ally’s life hell.  I will say, she’s an excellent actress.

When Bob walks down his stairs, he’s licking blood off some plastic gloves.  What the hell is he getting up to with that guy in his attic?  Also, who is the man in his attic?  Obviously they’re both into some kinky stuff, but does the man just live up there, suspended on hooks?  What about aftercare?

Beverly personally murders Bob--Kai is letting her get revenge on the man who humiliated her.  This is the second step in his process of taking advantage of people’s humiliation and anger--letting them take it out in the ugliest and most satisfying way possible.  They will come to feel that they can only get that vindication with him, and follow him unquestioningly.

Kai tells Beverly that she was the only one who impressed him, and that the others ask too many questions.  She’s not asking questions because he’s letting her do what she wants and encouraging her to give into her darkest desires, seemingly freeing her.  The second step I mentioned above is working.

Beverly is also taking a more active role in the cult--Kai actually listens to her and seems to respect her, which is interesting given his misogyny and disrespect towards women in later episodes.  Perhaps Beverly impresses him so much that she’s the exception, or he’s stringing her along to get her to love and trust him so much that she won’t even notice or care when he beats her down later.

In the flashback to Rosie and Mark being buried in the coffins (which is apparently five weeks before this episode), when Meadow asks how long they’re going to leave the couple in there, Harrison asks her if she wants to go against the man who gave them their lives back.  They see Kai as their savior, a role that he deliberately sets himself up as.  Every single tactic of his works impeccably.  I have to hand it to him.  The man knows how to mess with people’s minds and make them listen to him.

Beverly and Kai’s relationship at this point (plotting together ruthlessly to kill R.J. because he’s weak) is like if Lady Macbeth married Richard III.  In other words, it’s terrifying, but also a little awesome, because they’re darkly intelligent together.

Ally looks through Oz’s telescope and observes Harrison doing some suspicious activity.  How long has Meadow been “missing” for at this point?  If she’s just being found now, was she hiding somewhere before on Kai’s orders, assuming her disappearance was part of his plan?  More on this in the notes for the next episode.

Meadow appears at Ally’s window begging for help.  Did she climb out herself, or did Harrison and Samuels help her, since it’s part of them torturing Ally?  Has Kai had sex with her at this point and explained what he wants from her, or is he legitimately hurting Meadow at this point?  If he is, it’s likely because she questions him--he wants to make her afraid of him so he can get her to do anything he wants. (I’m guessing they haven’t this point, since Meadow isn’t tied up with the harness.  I think Kai sleeps with her after she’s taken from Ally’s porch, and when he comes into the meeting, they’ve just had sex.  Again, more on this in the next episode; I’m just trying to figure out the timeline here.)

Ivy and Winter are significantly unnerved by Kai telling them that they need to kill R.J., and Ivy even refuses to at first, though she quickly gives in.  She still has standards, but she’s also probably afraid of what Kai will do to her if she keeps refusing (she doesn’t want to end up like Meadow, wherever she is).  Pretty regular cult stuff; the leader exercising control by making their followers too afraid of them to refuse them ever.

Kai straight-up licks R.J.’s blood from his face.  Holy shit.  Holy freaking shit.  And I thought cutting out Serena’s heart was depraved.  This is a whole new level of depravity.  This has transcended depravity.  Jesus Christ.  (James March would be so proud.)

After everyone takes turns literally nailing R.J., Kai tells them they’ve all proved their loyalty.  So that’s why he made them do it; now he knows that they’ll do anything for him, even if they really don’t want to.  This will come in handy in about four episodes.

“Good night, sweet prince, and the flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.”  (Kai).  This line is from the last scene of Hamlet, said by Horatio as Hamlet lies dying.  Kai has added a “the” to it (the original line is “Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest”).  The real hallmark of any AHS villain?  They can quote the classic literary and theatrical canon. (Hayden and Tate do so in the first season, and March in the fifth.)  I always wonder if the writers have something against the classic literary and theatrical canon.

Fifth pinky power--Beverly and Kai.  He starts by asking her what scares her the most, but she challenges him and asks him about his real backstory.  Surprisingly, he doesn’t get angry, and even seems to react with genuine emotion.  Beverly’s really the only member of the cult who’s on Kai’s level (the whole “equal power” thing) but I wonder if it’s because he knows that’s she’s just as smart as he is, or just about, and he can’t fool her as easily.  Again, it’s like putting two Shakespeare villains in a room together.

When Kai refuses to tell Beverly about his parents, she responds with “Secrets are what make you weak”, using his own rhetoric (especially when it comes to pinky power) against him, and he actually tells her the truth.  She gets to him in a similar way to how he gets to other people.  How is that she can make him crack when no one else can?  What makes him tell her the truth?  Is he afraid of her, perhaps, or is this another cog in his plan to build up trust and knock her down?  Who’s really in control here?

Kai says that his father was a “silver-tongued” lawyer, so I guess we know where he gets the charisma and ability to win anyone over from.  He also has a degree in religious studies.  Is that where he learned about cults and the way they work, and possibly even how to start one?  There are some who say religion is a cult.

I understand that an abusive father and witnessing one’s parents murder-suicide is traumatizing, but really, it’s no excuse for starting a murder cult!  Or anything that Kai does this entire season!

I would like to point out the Andersons are quite similar to the most recent generation of Targaryens: there’s the father, the wife he abuses, the absent eldest son, the dangerous and violent middle son, and the youngest daughter whom the middle son is attracted to.

Dr. Vincent is revealed as Kai and Winter’s brother here.  He suggests that they keep the bodies in the house and douse them in lye to cover up the smell, and when Kai objects, he insists, saying that they need the money from their father’s disability insurance and their mother’s pension.  What’s the family’s financial state, then?  Also, dude, I get that you need the money, but keeping your dead parents in the house like Psycho is really not the way to go about it.

Sixth pinky power--Vincent and Kai, in the flashback.  They seem to be doing it as a promise to keep the deaths covered up more than anything; there’s no exchange of dialogue.

Vincent is absolutely ruthless about his parents and Winter.  Perhaps it runs in the family?  (Again, they’re all such Targaryens.)

And the Psycho-ness of it all has only been furthered by Kai talking to his dead mother.  At least he hasn’t developed a second personality based on her yet.  Yet.  (I wouldn’t put it past him.)

At the end of the episode, Kai breaks down crying during pinky power.  Either Beverly actually broke him and got him to show a sincere, spontaneous emotional reaction that isn’t anger, or this is all completely calculated by him.  If she did make him cry though… that’s amazing.  That’s genuinely amazing.  How did she do that?  (Also, she’s giving him a taste of his own medicine, which he rightly deserves.  He’s probably feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable (a feeling I’m guessing he hates).)

[ebaeschnbliah]

THE  ROADS  WE  WALK  HAVE  DEMONS  BENEATH ...

________________________________________________________________

GOING ROUND IN CIRCLES ON THE QUEST FOR THE TRUTH

THE HEADLESS NUN

This term is used for the very first time in the PILOT. Sherlock refers to a previous case in which Angelo obviously was involved as well.

SHERLOCK: Angelo, headless nun. ANGELO: Ah, now that was a case! Same again? SHERLOCK: If you wouldn’t mind.

At least between Sherlock and Angelo the term 'headless nun' seems to be a secret code for a certain kind of action. 

Going into action - going into acting

On this special occasion: acting like a drunk who is thrown out of a restaurant ... with the addition of a splash of white wine.

________________________________________________________________

VATICAN CAMEOS

Another term that is used as a secret code for a certain kind of action. This time between Sherlock and John in ASIB before Sherock opens the safe where Irene's camera phone is kept ... guarded by a spring-gun.

SHERLOCK (urgently): Vatican cameos.

But this time the meaning is different. The term is meant to be a warning that some kind of deadly danger is about to occur.

Going into action -  going into defense/rescue mode

On this special occasion: Sherlock and John are immediately crouching down for cover. Only a short time before this happens, both Sherlock and Irene are adding a 'splash of color' to prepare themselves for the meeting. Real blood for Sherlock. Lipstick in the shade of blood for Irene.

The definition of CAMEO/S:

a gem, small medallion, statue with a profiled head carved in relief

a small literary or filmic piece

a small theatrical role

The VATICAN:

A small state in the middle of Rome, seat of the Roman Catholic Church, ruled by the Bishop of Rome ... the Pope. The Pope is also the supreme authority of all catholic monasteries and therefore ... of the nuns.

Originally 'Vatican Cameos' is an untold story mentioned in 'The Hound of the Baskervilles'

“I must thank you,' said Sherlock Holmes, 'for calling my attention to a case which certainly presents some features of interest. I had observed some newspaper comment at the time, but I was exceedingly preoccupied by that little affair of the Vatican cameos, and in my anxiety to oblige the Pope I lost touch with several interesting English cases.”

VATICAN CAMEOS = A WARNING AGAINST VATICAN PERFORMANCES ?  AGAINST SOMETHING THE 'HEAD OF THE NUNS' ORDERED TO DO ? BUT 'THE HEAD' IS MISSING AND THEREFORE STILL UNKNOWN ?  A GHOST .... AN ANONYMOUS PLAYER ?

________________________________________________________________

HEADLESS NUN & VATICAN CAMEOS ... UNITED

Both terms reappear in the episode 'The sign of three' at John's wedding. Sherlock promises little Archie the picture of a 'headless nun' if he is able to answer the question: how to kill someone in public.

SHERLOCK: Oh, hello again, Archie.  What’s your theory? Get this right and there’s a headless nun in it for you.

Sherlock uses 'vatican cameos' to inform John - without alarming the other wedding guests - that Major Sholto is in mortal danger and about to be murdered.

SHERLOCK: Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once, Vatican Cameos.  MARY: What did he say? What’s that mean? JOHN: Battle stations. Someone’s gonna die.

The most interesting aspect here is that the main action happens entirely between three Sherlock mirrors:  

'Director of the Mind-Stage' Sherlock tells 'Little Sherlock Mirror' Archie, he will get a 'headless nun' if he is able to deduce how 'Sherlock Ex-Comander of John Mirror' Sholto could be killed in public without anyone noticing it.

________________________________________________________________

'Headless Nuns' in ghost stories:

This kind of character can be found in legends and ghost stories. They are sometimes hauting places, seeking revenge, guarding treasures, bloodthirsty and murderous ... in short - they are the perfect tools for creating fear and terror in ghost stories.

The real roman catholic nuns (x x):

A nun is a woman who lives in a religious community.

She swears an oath to live in chastity and obedience.

She dedicates her life to the greater good she believes in.

She is considered to be a 'Bride of Christ'.

There is a wedding ceremony where she wears bridal white with wreath and veil.

She wears a wedding ring which will be buried with her after death.

After the ceremony she exchanges the bridal robes for a sombre religious habit.

A nun is also called 'sister'

Turning a nun into a ghost story is basically the same thing as turning a sister into a ghost story.

________________________________________________________________

A LITTLE DETOUR - THE DOUBLE MEANING OF WORDS

The creators of Sherlock BBC are known for using word-games with great fondness. Just a few examples (I'm sure there are more):

beech & beach - the Holmes children play on a beach, pebbles on a beach ... or ... looking for somthing buried under a beech tree.  

Welsborough & wells burrow - used as family name ... or ... for creating a well one has to burrow a hole in the ground first.

pals & palls - Mycroft uses the term to describe Sherlock's and John's relationship in TGG  ('since you and he became ... pals')  meaning 'mates/close friends' ... or ...  the dialoge between the ambassador and her husband in TST  ('chess palls after three months/everything palls')  mening 'losing interest/becoming bored'

birds & birds - flying animals (most of them) with feathers ... or ... young women,

Harry & Harriet - brother or sister? sister or brother? Right from the beginning ....

________________________________________________________________

MR.SZIKORA FROM THE EMPY HEARSE

After Sherlock returns from his hiatus John has a visiter at the surgery. An old man with white hair and beard who presents John with three small gifts.

MR. SZIKORA: I run a little shop, just on the corner of Church Street (?). Er, magazines, DVDs. Brought along a few little beauties that might interest you. “Tree Worshippers.” Oh, that’s a corker. It’s very saucy. “British Birds.” Same sort of thing. “The Holy War.” Sounds a bit dry, I know, but there’s a nun with all these holes in her Habit.   

This scene is a canon reference to ACDs 'The Empty House'.  Sherlock Holmes visits Dr.Watson in the disguise of an old man and tries to sell him three books .... 'British birds' (the real feathery ones), 'Catullus' (the roman poet who did actually write a lot of 'saucy' stuff and also poems about  'how to comfort a friend in the death of a loved one') and 'The Holy War' (most likely without the nuns).

In the original story Dr.Watson is fooled by this disguise and doesn't recognise Holmes whereas in Sherlock BBC John tries to pull of the assumed fake wig of his patient because he suspects Sherlock to play a prank on him.   

A second canon reference can be found in Mr.Szikora's statement that his usual PG is Dr. Verner. As told in ACDs story 'The Norwood Builder' ... Dr. Verner is a distant relative of Sherlock Holmes.

A young doctor, named Verner, had purchased my small Kensington practice, and given with astonishingly little demur the highest price that I ventured to ask -- an incident which only explained itself some years later when I found that Verner was a distant relation of Holmes's, and that it was my friend who had really found the money.

A man comes to John's surgery who actually IS Sherlock Holmes in canon but in this adaption Mr.Szikora comes from a person who IS a close relative of Holmes in canon.

Also - Mr.Szikora speaks in a heavy Eastern European accent. I don't know when or where John heard Sherllock speak French to make any comparison. Either way, because of his strange habit and his stiking accent John comes to the conclusion that Mr. Szikora must be fake. John believes that this man is Sherlock in disguise.

JOHN: It’s not as good as your French. Not as good as your French. It’s not even a good disguise, Sherlock!

Sherlock speaking French - or more precisely: John obviously knowing that Sherlock speaks French -  is a third canon referce. Original Sherlock Holmes doesn't only speak French, part of his family comes from France. In ACDs 'The Greek Interpreter' Holmes tells Dr. Watson: '.... my grandmother, who was the sister of Vernet, the French Artist' 

Does this mean that Mr. Szikora is triple-coded as a Holmes?

As mentioned above Mr. Szikora has the appearance of an old man with a beard. This reminds me of another person with a beard. A Person who is also mistaken for Sherlock Holmes. The beard is fake but the person is indeed a Holmes.

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THE NUN WITH THE HOLES IN HER HABIT

Nuns wear a special habit.  'HABIT' though is another word with more than just one meaning. It can be: 

a garment

a usual way of behaving

the bodily appearance of someone

a mental attitude of someone

a strong need to use a drug 

This leads of course straight away to HLV where this special word is heavily used - but not for nuns.      

SHERLOCK: There’s every chance that my drug habit might hit the newspapers. The game is on.

MYCROFT: The siren call of old habits.

MYCROFT: You’re a celebrity these days, Sherlock. You can’t afford a drug habit. SHERLOCK : I do not have a drug habit.

What do have 'headless nuns' and 'habits with holes in it' in common?

A person is very hard - if at all - to recognize when the head/the face can't be seen/is hidden. A very important information is missing.

It's the same with 'holes in the habit'. Something is missing. A hidden behaviour. A hidden attitude. Someone is hiding something. Any information not seen is like a black hole for the knowledge. Missing puzzle pieces leave holes in the picture. Under certain circumstances 'not knowing' something - 'having black holes about something' - can be very dangerous. But of course, attempting to fill such 'dark holes of knowledge' can be equally dangerous. And there is someone who never liked not knowing:

SHERLOCK: I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing. Unlike the nicely embellished fictions on your blog, John, real life is rarely so neat. I don’t know who was behind all this, but I will find out, I promise you.

And when Sherlock sets out on his journey to explore his past - his family history - his subconscious mind is looking for a sister .... a faithful one ...

But someone turned the 'sister' into a 'ghost story' ...  a rotten skeleton still with maggots in the eye holes even after more than 100 years ... the cold and terrifying force of the East Wind who plucks the unworthy from the Earth  ... to scare Sherlock off.

A nun is a bride. She wears the white robe of a bride with a veil ere she changes it to black or grey - mostly with a splash of white. A nun is called 'sister'. She has no wordly husband but wears a wedding ring, she believes in a higher purpose and lives in her/for her conviction.

Conviction is a dangerous thing. If it gets to strong - to extreme - it can lead to 'holy wars' ... to  'crusades'. But that must not always involve whole nations or confessions or even a lot of people. It is quite possible that a single person can be on a 'crusade' on its own - for their own private reasons. Misplaced love ... the greater good .... murderous jealousy .....

And the male equivalent of a nun  ... is a Monk.

A nun is called sister.  A monk is called brother.

In MHR a blond woman hides among monks ... but ...

LESTRADE: A blonde woman hiding amongst bald monks? That wouldn’t exactly take Sherlock Holmes!

JIM: No, no, no, no, no, this is too easy. (He buries his head in his hands.) This is too easy.

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Sherlock BBC is full  of words and scenes with double meaning (or more), of things that start out in one way and then turn into the opposite. Harry or Harriet - brother or sister - it was this question right from the start. Sherlock got it wrong the first time ...  in the PILOT/ASIP. He assumed Harry to be a brother when she actually is John's sister. In his own family Sherlock is looking for a sister. But it turns out that the sister he finds is actually a part of himself. Which way will the wheel turn next?

I leave you to your own deductions.   Thanks @callie-ariane for the scripts.

February, 2017

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