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aleatoryalarmalligator · 3 years

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I’m copy pasting this somewhat from a letter I wrote to my friend earlier this evening. It is pretty concise as to what is happening with my mother thus far.

The last few days have been very worrying. My mother’s condition with covid got worse. She’s nauseated and deliriously ill and struggling to breath. She was sent back to the hospital four days after they released her. They released her because the beds are filling up so fast, not because she was better.

She tried to go to four different hospitals but they had no room. Eventually she was ambulance driven to a hospital in a rural town fifty miles away. It was a nicer hospital and the staff took more care of her but her situation became even more dire. She has double pneumonia delta variant covid. Two days ago Allison and I called her and god she sounded horrid. She whimpered in agony to talk. She was horribly sorry that she didn’t get the vaccine. I looked it up online and she has a 40% survival rate. We have been devastated. The sick idea of her suffering in the hospital alone is disgusting. She’s not even sixty yet. Every breath is a struggle. At night the doctors spend several hours trying to fix her oxygen.

I’m heartbroken and sick with worry. I go between being numb and sobbing and feeling helpless. She’s suffering. I may never speak to her again. I don’t know how to contextually articulate what that means to my existence but it changes everything. Even if she gets better, I will never be the same. She was part of who I am even when we weren’t close.

Today they emergency flew her to Boise to be on a ventilator. Allison messaged me at work and I fell apart and had to leave. They’ve covered my shifts for this weekend. I sobbed outside until Allison and Eddison came and got me. Happy oblivious people in close quarters looked at me strangely from a completely different reality where covid is merely a year old concept they loosely take seriously. The only bright thing I can say is that her being on a ventilator is actually good news in her situation, not bad. I mean, it’s horrible. But the fact that they gave her one when Idaho has run out is more fortunate news. It means she’s lucky to have that.

Her breathing is stabilized. She still may die. They have a better understanding of how to treat covid than they did last year. I’m trying to stay positive. I love my mom. Hell despite everything I really like her. I just want five to ten more good years with her. I’m writing this in a semi composed way, but I’m not really composed. I’m absolutely unable to focus on much else. The world is just never going to ‘go back’.

Other hideous news is that my grandma Marie, which you may vaguely remember from my life story, and her boyfriend Foreman are both deathly ill of covid. I was very close to her in my late teens and early twenties. He’s a fanatic conspiracy theorist. He believes all the Alex Jones nonsense. They were getting sicker and sicker and when my grandma tried to get better he physically prevented her and yelled at her for trying to get medical help. Maria found out and called an ambulance anyway, which they gave her oxygen and sent her home. She was angered and resentful and when she got back Foreman took half her oxygen for himself. I have no idea how oxygen works or how they take it in, but I will accept what I’m being told.

I really don’t like him and he’s very cult like. He’s someone who is harmless in certain contexts but has the potential for doing great damage and evil mindlessly when the opportunity would arise. My grandma and foreman are now so sick that they can’t move. Their organs are shutting down. They have decided to die together. I half don’t believe this was my grandma’s true will as she was adamantly trying to seek help early on. When they sent her home she gave up. I’m sure hearing about my mother’s condition had broken her spirit also. They have defacated and have feces all over themselves coming off the bed. My sister Maria is trying to take care of them but it’s hard.

David has bronchitis. He’s going to be okay but this whole thing is horrible. He’s focusing on niche news and political topics, and i worry about how his obsession and focus is largely on moral outrage. He’s not a conservative but i see this inhinged need to be angry at ‘a side’. He hates communism and pretty much accused a political people of communism.

My grandma gave into white nationalism and science denial and racism and hate during the end of her life. It started when Obama was first running. I think it gave her something to live for and believe in. Though the potential for hatred and prejudice was in her system she gave into something and it kind of warped her into something that made me want to avoid her, even when I knew and loved her dearly deep down. She was a multitude of people in her time and she was also a very good person in many ways with a limited understanding of the world around her. She had a hard battle to find independence. She’s a victim of what happens when children don’t get hugs.

Old age and loneliness made her open to Fox News and worse. Overtime it made her resent and hate an imaginary enemy every day. Anger and fear that she never coped with distorted her ability to be open. I’m sorry it’s ending this way. She deserves so much more dignity. I know a better side to her and it cuts me to think of her right now wheezing and dying in that manner. She’s very old and I was willing to accept her death. But this is a whole other level of disturbing and sad. She doesn’t deserve to die covered in feces alone. It makes me want to puke.

I’m kind of mad at Maria and her kids because they brought covid to the house and to my grandma. It was to ask for food and gas money. They knew they had covid and didn’t say anything. Now Maria is remorseful and trying to take care of everyone. I’m not actually mad at her. She’s got to be suffering horribly. This is one of the ugliest times in my entire life.

There is nothing anyone can say. I’m disgusted at politicians who politicized this and made people afraid to get vaccinated. They have blood on their hands and they don’t care as they misguide their voter base into death. Even conservatives in other countries aren’t creating myths about covid to create rifts between parties. My mother is a sweet person. She isn’t really good with critical thinking and wasn’t able to access the truth with logic. She’s gullible and childlike. She was fooled. Which was that she was high risk and needed to get vaccinated.

Anyway, there isn’t much else to say. I hope you are staying safe wherever you are. Hold your loved ones close and don’t forget to appreciate the time we have with those people.

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jennycalendar · 6 years

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s3e5: homecoming

ao3

synopsis: as jenny pushes giles to pursue edward, things with willow and cordelia start to heat up.

INT. GILES’S BATHROOM — EARLY MORNING

Jenny’s brushing her teeth while Giles shaves, and they’re bickering (again). Faith pauses by the open door, watching.

GILES

—completely ridiculous!

JENNY

(through toothpaste)

I don’t know, Rupert, I think it’d be a good idea to expand your social circles beyond “Jenny Calendar and five copies of the same poetry book.”

GILES

They’re different editions. And anyway, it’s not like you have any other friends who you go out with on weekends—

JENNY

At least I actually talk to people.

GILES

I talked to Edward at the staff meeting!

JENNY

He talked to you first, and that was because he thinks you’re cute.

GILES

I am cute.

Jenny spits toothpaste all over the mirror and starts laughing incredibly hard. Giles, indignant, rinses his razor while glaring at Jenny. Faith smirks a little, then steps up into the bathroom, squeezing in between them to grab her toothbrush as Jenny starts brushing again.

GILES

(to Faith)

Did you finish that essay?

FAITH

It’s mostly done. I might try and check in with Willow at lunch or whatever.

Faith begins to brush her teeth. Jenny rinses and spits, then wipes haphazardly at the mirror with a nearby hand towel. Giles winces.

JENNY

You can always drop by my class if you need anything, you know.

FAITH

(awkward)

I gotcha.

Faith finishes a lot faster than Jenny, though this is mostly because she isn’t arguing while brushing her teeth. She rinses, spits, replaces her toothbrush, and leaves, all without looking at Giles and Jenny.

GILES

She’s… certainly something.

JENNY

She and I hung out and watched old movies last night. Did I tell you about that? It’s taken a lot to talk her out of patrolling, but I think she’s getting better at just being a kid.

GILES

You know she can’t stay with us on a permanent basis, though.

JENNY

“Us”?

GILES

(blushing)

I just meant — you’re staying with me until the damage to your house is assessed and the repairs are done, but I don’t know if three people can live in a one-bedroom apartment for all that long.

JENNY

I know that. But she doesn’t have anywhere else to go, and it’s not like there are any other adults who know about the supernatural scene in Sunnydale.

GILES

(thoughtful)

Edward stopped by the library to check out a book on vampires.

JENNY

Edward stopped by the library because he’s into you, and you put all the vampire books out in the open for easy access. It makes sense he’d grab the first thing he saw. And on the subject of what Edward should be grabbing—

GILES

There is a child in the house.

Jenny smirks, not unlike Faith, and exits the bathroom.

JENNY

(over her shoulder)

I’m gonna go change upstairs, okay?

Giles puts away his razor, looking at the badly cleaned mirror. He wavers — takes out a moist towelette from the medicine cabinet and starts properly cleaning the bathroom mirror.

INT. LIBRARY — MORNING

Willow and Cordelia are paging through books, pretending to look busy, but what they’re talking about isn’t of the supernatural.

WILLOW

I still don’t know if this is a great idea. Or even a workable one.

CORDELIA

Come on! There’s nothing more romantic than dancing under candlelight in formal wear. This plan is accident-proof.

WILLOW

What if Ms. Calendar doesn’t dance with Giles? She keeps on talking about that new English teacher she thinks Giles should—

CORDELIA

Please. Give a girl a hot date in formal wear and she’ll cave faster than you can say “You were totally right, Cordelia.”

WILLOW

But how are we going to get them to dance?

CORDELIA

That’s not your part of the plan, Willow, remember? Leave that part to me. All you have to do is make sure that they’re both chaperones on Homecoming night, and we’ll be completely good to go.

Willow looks doubtfully up at Cordelia.

WILLOW

Ms. Calendar and Giles are grown-ups. Setting them up for real is going to be harder than setting up me and Oz, or, or Buffy and Angel—

CORDELIA

Work with me, Willow.

WILLOW

I am. Against my better judgment, I might add.

CORDELIA

Hey, you haven’t walked out just yet.

Cordelia looks up at Willow and gives her a genuinely sweet smile, one that takes Willow a little off-guard. As Cordelia turns back to her book, Willow continues to stare, looking incredibly discombobulated.

This is when Giles and Jenny enter, in cheerful conversation. Willow hastily looks away from Cordelia, trying to compose herself.

JENNY

(to Giles)

Okay, just to be clear, no demons on the supernatural front this weekend, right? There’s this awesome bookshop I wanna hit up on Saturday, maybe bring Faith along.

GILES

Go anyway. You deserve a day off.

JENNY

Aww.

Jenny tugs on Giles’s scarf, pulling him in to straighten his glasses. Across the library, Willow and Cordelia exchange a look.

CORDELIA

Gratuitous.

WILLOW

Something should be done.

CORDELIA

(pointed)

Something should be done.

Willow takes the hint. Putting down the book, she steps up and over to Jenny and Giles.

WILLOW

Maybe this is totally out of line, and, and I know you guys probably have plans or something, but Homecoming’s coming up and I was wondering — maybe the both of you could chaperone? It could be really fun, and you’ll get to see Cordelia win Homecoming Queen—

Jenny and Giles both look interested.

GILES

Sounds… rather fun, actually. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to wear a tuxedo.

JENNY

I might have to go shopping for a new dress, but yeah, that actually does sound pretty cool. Thanks for the heads-up, Willow!

WILLOW

Oh… no problem!

As Jenny and Giles head into Giles’s office, Willow throws a not-so-sneaky grin to Cordelia, who grins back. Willow turns a little pink at that.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE — AFTERNOON

Giles is sitting outside a dressing room with a large assortment of shopping bags and dresses, looking the very picture of long-suffering. He flips idly and a bit dramatically through a nearby magazine.

JENNY (O.C.)

We’re almost done. Keep it together out there.

GILES

I’m doing fine.

FAITH (O.C.)

Fine as in fine, or fine as in sulky ‘cause we’re taking so long?

JENNY (O.C.)

I’d bet on the second kind of fine, Faith.

FAITH (O.C.)

Me too, Jen.

GILES

It doesn’t take that long to put on a dress—

Jenny opens the door of the dressing room and steps out in a neatly cut tuxedo. She’s swept her hair up into a haphazard bun, and looks very pleased with herself.

JENNY

It does if you’re not wearing a dress.

(twirls)

How do I look?

GILES

(dumb-struck)

In the — with — well—

JENNY

It’s solidarity.

Faith sticks her head out, then steps out in a tuxedo of her own, looking a little shy.

JENNY

Faith wanted to wear a tux too, but she didn’t want to be the only girl there who was wearing one. I thought I’d ease her into it a little bit.

GILES

(somewhat breathless)

You wear a tuxedo better than me, Jenny.

It’s a helpless, hopeless attempt at flirting that Jenny doesn’t pick up on.

JENNY

(teasing)

I know.

(to Faith)

Let’s change out of these and get some frozen yogurt at that great place near the linen store—

As Jenny shepherds Faith back into the dressing rooms, she misses the way Giles is looking at her: big eyes, shy smile, desperately in love.

INT. CORDELIA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT

Willow and Cordelia are sitting on two stools, a table in between them, and Cordelia is very meticulously doing Willow’s makeup.

WILLOW

You didn’t have to do this.

CORDELIA

If we’re going to be a team, we’re going to look like a team, and that means our makeup has to match. And since I’m amazing at doing makeup, I need to make sure yours is up to par.

WILLOW

I mean, do I really need all this?

CORDELIA

(dismissive)

Honestly, probably not. You’re pretty enough as it is.

Willow’s lips part and she looks very pleased.

CORDELIA

Mouth shut!

WILLOW

(shy)

You’re pretty too, Cordelia.

Cordelia’s hand stills and she nearly Willow’s eyeliner. She covers it up by placing the pencil down, picking up a moist towelette.

CORDELIA

(awkward)

Um — thanks. I don’t usually hear that from a lot of people.

WILLOW

Really?

CORDELIA

Usually people just tell me how hot I look. Not pretty. That’s like—more your thing, you know? Lots of quiet wallflower-y charm.

WILLOW

You think I’m charming?

CORDELIA

Xander never shuts up about you! It’s kind of the worst.

Cordelia raises her hand to Willow’s face, dabbing carefully at the smudged eyeliner. A beat, and then Willow reaches up almost unconsciously, placing her hand over Cordelia’s. They both freeze.

WILLOW

(stumbling)

Sorry — I mean — I didn’t—

They stare at each other, eyes wide, neither of them moving. Cordelia’s eyes flicker to Willow’s mouth, and then they both pull back like they’ve been burned.

CORDELIA

Um, it’s, it’s totally fine or whatever, you know, because girls, girls who are friends, we’re like that. We touch and stuff. Totally normal.

WILLOW

Obviously! Totally normal girlfriendly touch stuff.

CORDELIA

Completely.

Nervously, Willow sits down.

CORDELIA

Your makeup doesn’t have to match mine. You look good enough as is.

It’s only sort of a compliment, and something of a brush-off. As Cordelia leaves the room, Willow watches her go, looking utterly lost.

INT. BRONZE — NIGHT

Faith and Jenny enter side by side. Jenny’s looking cheerful (and looking for Giles). Faith looks tentatively excited, and brightens somewhat upon seeing a dolled-up Willow.

FAITH

You’re lookin’ snazzy, Red!

WILLOW

(nervous)

Thanks. Um, can I talk to Ms. Calendar for a second?

FAITH

You got it. I’m going to go hit up that snack bar.

Jenny’s eyes follow Faith to the buffet table, where she notices Giles and Edward talking. Even from a distance, the conversation is clearly flirtatious, and Giles looks flustered but not uninterested. Jenny’s smile flickers.

WILLOW

Ms. Calendar?

JENNY

(composing herself)

Yeah! Yes. What’s up, Will?

WILLOW

(timid)

I think — okay. This is a rhetorical question, mostly, but — I mean, obviously you don’t have to answer—

JENNY

Are you okay?

WILLOW

Ms. Calendar, have you ever had feelings for someone you really shouldn’t? Like—they’re your friend, obviously, but telling them how you feel would put so much on the line, even if those feelings are, you know, hypothetically stronger than anything you’ve felt for any boy—

(fumbles)

Any other boy. And they’re not even, like, romantic feelings, mostly! It’s just like “hey, you’re really pretty and it’d be really cool if we kissed for a few minutes,” but it’s still way bigger than anything else—

Jenny’s eyes drift back to Giles and she swallows, hard.

JENNY

Yeah. Yeah, I’ve had feelings like that.

WILLOW

How do you deal with them?

The question catches Jenny off guard.

JENNY

I think — I think maybe you have to recognize those feelings and figure out what you want to do with them. Because if you’re this worried about what they mean, chances are that those feelings aren’t going to go away.

WILLOW

What are you saying I should do?

JENNY

(realizing)

I think I’m saying you should do what makes you happy.

(then)

I gotta go.

Jenny hurries away from Willow, weaving through the crowd to find her way to Edward and Giles.

JENNY

(to Giles)

Hey. You wanna dance?

GILES

I was—

Edward looks between Jenny and Giles, then frowns a little thoughtfully.

EDWARD

If you’d just give us a moment, Ms. Calendar? I’d like to wrap this conversation up properly. After that, he’s all yours.

Jenny nods a little jerkily and wanders in the general direction of the dance floor, still looking shaken by her talk with Willow. Edward turns back to Giles.

EDWARD

I get the sense that a relationship with you might mean competing against someone I’ve already lost to.

GILES

I’m sorry?

EDWARD

You’re a lovely man, Mr. Giles, and I would have loved to spend some time with you under different circumstances, but your attentions are very clearly with the charming Ms. Calendar, and it seems to me that hers are with you as well. I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of that.

Edward pats a floored Giles on the shoulder and heads back to the dance floor. Giles stands by the buffet table.

GILES

(calling after Edward)

I did think you were attractive, for the record!

(then)

Damn it. Damn it, Rupert, you idiot—

Hearing Giles’s accidental outburst, Jenny bites back a sympathetic smile, then hurries to the buffet table again, taking Giles’s hand in hers and tugging him out onto the dance floor.

JENNY

C’mon. Dance with me.

GILES

(low, deliberate)

There is nothing I’d like more to do.

Now that’s flirting Jenny picks up on. She looks a little breathless as Giles takes her into his arms.

A slow song starts. In the background, Cordelia steps up next to Willow.

CORDELIA

See? Told you it’d work.

WILLOW

(quiet, contemplative)

We make a good team.

Cordelia looks over at Willow with a thoughtful expression.

CORDELIA

I guess we do.

WILLOW

I’m starting to think — maybe I team up better with girls. Maybe.

CORDELIA

(gently encouraging)

Well, hey, whatever works for you. Me, I think I team up pretty well with girls and guys, but I’m strictly a Xander girl as of right now.

WILLOW

That seems pretty reasonable.

CORDELIA

Just for the record, though? I meant it when I said you were pretty. But I do have a boyfriend, so — kinda freaked out on you a little. Sorry.

WILLOW

No, it’s okay!

CORDELIA

There’s no shortage of cute girls in Sunnydale. I mean, look at Buffy.

WILLOW

I have.

CORDELIA

I know!

They both giggle, stepping a little closer. Abruptly, their smiles fade.

WILLOW

Where is Buffy?

CORDELIA

Oh, yikes.

#fic #calendiles day #maybe i'm in love #bb gay willow is so important to me

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betrayedvirtue · 5 years

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HERO COMPLEX w/@VisionaryFury

[[ As a therapist I had to worry about what it would mean for me to cooperate with the FBI and my promise of confidentiality to my patients. They claim what I’m doing won’t affect my ability to practice. I imagined wearing a wire taped to my body or a cheesy looking pin with a camera on it pinned to my shirt but no. The FBI are far more advanced than that. They have taken advantage of the fact that I wear glasses and have a camera installed in them. They will be able to see and hear everything I see and hear. No one will suspect a thing.

All I have to do is not fuck up by acting like something is up. After all soon they will have enough evidence to take down Zen and I’ll play a role in that. I have to give myself a pep talk when I enter Birch Miriam and head to my office. I don’t have any sessions this morning so I spend my time checking up on Annisa and her progress. It doesn’t take long for me to find out she is back to her old ways of kicking ass. At least that is the story I’m told. I don’t like the therapist she’s been paired up with. They were paired in the past and it was a disaster. How is this time going to be any different?

I also hear that Annisa is in solitaire again. The orderlies are making jokes about how #Zen isn’t playing around with her anymore. She’s going to get what’s coming to her. I have to play it cool. If I act as if what they say is bothering me then they won’t talk around me anymore. I leave the idiots to do whatever dirty work they plan to do and I headed off toward the wing where I know Annia must be. Even though I know she won’t want to talk to me I feel the need to check on her. I don’t like how the orderlies were talking. I’m worried for her safety now.]]

Annisa: I don’t know how long it’s been since I first woke up in solitary. I’m going to guess at least 20 hours? There’s no windows in here and they’ve only been by to bring me food three times, lunch, dinner, then breakfast. I didn’t eat. The bruises on my stomach have bruises and I’m pretty sure there’s something seriously wrong with my insides at the moment, but I’m not giving that fuckhead the satisfaction of complaining. Of course, I know that only means that he’s going to try harder, next time. But, this will become a game of wills, a game that I will win. Zen and I have played this game before, and he has never won, and he hates me all the more because of it.

As I brush my teeth in the steel sink in the corner, there is still blood pooling in my mouth. I don’t know if it’s because of the tooth that got knocked loose, or the split lip that won’t seem to close up. Either way, it’s just another tick on my long list of things that I’ve been piling up against those two goons.

Solitary sucks! I will say that. From the fact that there are no windows to the outside, to the fact that the toilet is out in the open, for anyone that wants to poke their head through the window in the door and watch. Yes, that’s right, I’m like a monkey in a cage, set here specifically for your amusement.

Mike: [[ I have access to any area of the facility. I may have pissed off #Zen but he hasn’t stopped trusting me. According to him I’m still too new to handle someone like Annisa. I don’t understand what it means to break their will. In time according to him I’ll learn. So when the time is right I’ll get the opportunity to prove myself. Not sure what that means but I hope we are shut down by then. I take my time walking to where Annisa is being kept. I can’t look as if I’m anxious to see her. I use my badge to let myself into the solitary confinement areas. There is a guard stationed there watching cameras and monitoring who is coming and going. He barely glances up at me. I guess whatever he’s doing on his phone is more important. I can see on the dry erase board what room she’s been placed in. That is where I find myself going. Last time I saw Annisa in one of these rooms she was strapped down and messed up pretty bad. I wonder what I’ll find this time?

I don’t have long to wonder. Again I use my badge to unlock the door and take a breath before I enter the room. What if she’s not tied down? The moment she sees me Annisa could attack. It’s not as if our last encounter was a good one. She’s standing by the sink and I close the door behind me. I blink a few times as I take in her appearance. At least her face. It’s all swollen and her lip is busted up bad. There is even blood matted up in her hair.|| “Fuck...what did they do to you?!? ]]

Annisa: I don’t bother to turn around when I hear the door first open. Whoever it is, is really stupid for coming into my room without making me aware of them first. Even the two goons know enough to make me sit on my bed first. Then I hear his voice. Mike. Of course it’s him. I can feel the vein in my neck begin to pulsate a little harder as the ire burns through my blood. Another asshole that I refuse to give any satisfaction to. Only this one somehow pushes my buttons. No matter what I do, he still has some effect on me and that pisses me off to no end. I can feel his eyes boring into me from the side, still not giving in…

Gritting my teeth together, I kick up my chin, fold my arms against my chest, and turn to face him. I won’t give him an answer. It’s plain to see what they did to me. They haven’t even let me take a shower yet, so the dried up blood all over my clothes, face, and hair tells the whole story. I give him a minute to take everything in, then I turn back to the sink and finish washing up.

Mike: [[ “ Fuck, fuck, fuck! I knew this would happen. What are they trying to do? Kill you now?” || I have come to terms with the fact I have feelings for Annisa that go past her being a patient and me a therapist. I care for her and her wellbeing. I made things worse for her when all I tried to do is help. I feel helpless because there is no way I can protect her and the evidence is staring me in the face. I take a few steps toward her as I look her over from head to toe. From what I can tell by the look she gave me at least in this moment Annisa isn’t drugged but damn...no one deserves what it’s clear they are doing to her. I get close enough to watch her from the side. I need to know who did this and when. I have the FBI watching. This is evidence that can get this place shut down.|| “ I know you are upset with me. I know you hate me and don’t trust me but I need for you to tell me who did this...it’s the only way I’ll be able to stop it from happening again.”]]

Annisa: Seriously? He thinks he can do anything to stop this. No… he doesn’t have a hero complex, at all! Once again, I ignore the question and dunk my head under the stream of water as far as I can manage it. I’ve been trying to get this blood out since I woke up, but the faucet is only about an inch out from the wall and I’ve been doing a piss poor job at it. Not to mention, hand soap isn’t the best thing for your hair, but it’s all I’ve been given.

Lifting my head out of the stream of water, I give it a little shake and reach past Mike for the small hand towel that I’ve been allotted to clean up with. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to get out some of the tangles, but that’s pretty much a lost cause. Between the blood, not having a shower, let alone conditioner, I’m fighting a losing battle. So, I wrap the towel over my head and give my hair a good scratch through it, trying to sop up as much of the water as possible before walking over the the bed and plopping down. I try not to make Mike aware of the wince as I land, but the pain is still shooting all through my body.

Mike: [[ I’m not surprised Annisa isn’t speaking to me. It’s one of the things she has control over. No matter what no one can force her to talk. I watch her attempt to wash her hair in the sink and then proceed to try and dry it. A frown crosses my features the moment I see her wince as she sits down. Last time this happened I recall Annisa having bruises all over her back. Chances are if I ask her to show me where else she’s hurt Annisa won’t. I figure it’s worth a try.|| “ I have a feeling what I see of your face and head isn’t the worst of your injuries. Could I see where else you have been injured. I can tell you are trying to hide the fact you are in pain.

I need to know if you need medical attention or not. If you have internal injuries it can be serious.” ]]

Annisa: Abruptly, I stood up and marched over to Mike and got right in his face. “Now you care?! Now?! What about when you decided to bring that monster into this hospital and put everyone’s lives in danger?! Huh? What about then?!” I was so furious, I was practically spitting in his face. “The fucking nerve you have! If you cared as much as you say you do, you never would have brought that beast into this place and locked her inside with everyone else. We are all lucky that no one got hurt, or worse, killed! Do you have any idea what they are capable of?”

Turning around, I began to pace. When I realized that he was about to cut me off, I lifted the front of my shirt and winced again, as I showed off the purple and black bruises all over my stomach. That stopped him in his tracks. “You see this?!” I pointed to my stomach. “I would rather deal with this, ten times a day for the rest of my life than see that thing back inside these walls!” He was un-fucking-believable! How dare he pretend to care after everything he’s done.

Mike: [[ won’t lie, Annisa’s sudden outburst takes me off guard at first. She went from complete silence to lashing out at me verbally. Something that I take note of though she doesn’t attempt to attack me. She is yelling at me but it’s not a bunch of bullshit. She is speaking from her heart. Even though she may not realize it, expressing all this to me indicates there is still a level of trust there she may not know she has with me. The problem is we are being watched by the feds. I can’t go along with what she is saying or it could put Leah and the others in danger. So I open my mouth to try and stop her from talking but she silences me cold after lifting her shirt and showing me her injuries.

The fact Annisa is standing on her own and not curled up in pain begging for help is shocking. I know that isn’t Annisa’s style though. Like she said she’d rather suffer through the pain than see Leah again. I’ll forever live with that mistake. There is no point in apologizing and besides at the moment I can’t not with the FBI watching my every move in this place.

Tossing self preservation out the window I close the distance between Annisa and myself. I am no doctor but I have had broken a few ribs in the past from a river rafting accident. I reach out and gently touch the side of Annisa’s stomach and watch as she involuntarily winces from the pain.|| “ Go ahead and be upset with me all you want Annisa. I disappointed you and because of my mistakes this is where you ended up. I have no intention of doing anything that will jeopardize you or anyone else in this place. My objective is to shut down Zen so nothing like this can happen to you again.”

||The feds can see this. Right now they have to be coming up with a plan to get these people out of here. If something isn’t done Annisa is going to die in this place. She won’t stop acting out and Zen will keep hurting her to prove a point until she is dead. The violence is escalating.|| “I think you have some broken ribs. I’m going to have you taken to the medical unit immediately. Then I’m going to have a talk with those orderlies that did this to you.”]]

Annisa: As Mike takes steps to approach me, I seriously begin to ponder whether or not I should lay him flat out on the floor. Not like he wouldn’t deserve it for everything he’s done to me. But, my curiosity gets the best of me and I want to see where he thinks he’s going with this. The guilt shown in his eyes was something I wasn’t expecting… and it begins to piss me off. Was he trying to make me think he actually cared?! I knew better. He was trying to use me, the unbreakable patient, to rocket his career, nothing more. Well, he fucking broke me, three times at that! Once in front of the whole group, a second time when he locked me in his office with that fucking thing, and the third and final time when I decided I no longer wanted him to be my therapist. He should be so proud! I’m surprised he’s not walking around this place with a goddamn medal! I’m sure Zen is thrilled with him.

Turning my head away, I gritted my teeth and sucked in a breath as he reached out and touched my stomach. I didn’t want him to see the pain in my eyes. He had won too much over me already. His hand was cold, and the pain was real as his fingers gently palpated along my ribs. This sensation of touch I hadn’t experienced in a very long time and I closed my eyes, trying to push the feelings that were washing over me aside. Sure, I have been poked and prodded by doctors in this place before, and of course I’ve had many beatings over the years, but a soft, gentle touch… I don’t remember the last time someone touched me like that. My mother… maybe… when I was little? Before I grew up and became something unseemly to her? I could feel tears building and that was the last thing I wanted to show in front of Mike. So, aggressively, I tossed his hand aside. “Battle scars. That’s all. I’m fine.” Brushing my shirt back down, I turned away from him and tried to quietly wipe my eyes.

Mike: [[ t’s bad enough Annisa has been locked up in this place for the wrong reasons. Right after the attack she should have been treated for PTSD and maybe by now she would be living a normal life but because she saw something that to most is impossible she was locked away and misdiagnosed as someone who suffered from delusions and hallucinations. To top it off, the man who runs this place is a sadistic bastard who gets off on torturing the patients and because Annisa is strong willed he made it his goal to teach her a lesson for being brave enough to stand up to him and his maltreatment of her and everyone else in this place.

After all Annisa has been through she still thinks about the safety of everyone in this place not just her and even though she’s been beaten and treated unjustly she never falters in courage. In this moment I fucking hate myself for fucking up and setting her back to the point she isn’t able to trust me anymore. I take a step back from Annisa when she pushes my hand away. The fact she let me touch her at all is a miracle. I feel a righteous indignation at her proclamation of having battle scars. Those are something to be proud of. What she has endured isn’t. This time I start pacing and shake my head. || “ No!, don’t you dare accept that this war you have been apart of is okay and you got though it. It shouldn’t have fucking happened! If it wouldn’t backfire and cause you more grief I’d go to #Zen right now and beat the shit out of him so he can see how it feels!

This will not be your normal anymore. I’m taking you to the medical station and I’m staying with you until you are treated. Then I’m taking you back to your room and will stay until I am comfortable you’ll be left alone.” || My thought process is once I leave this place I’m heading straight to the feds and demanding they either arrest Zen now or find a way to get Annisa out of here.]]

Annisa: Mike’s footfalls behind me are like a caged mountain lion, and I am startled to hear his voice raised. It’s not often that something riles him up good. ‘...got through it…’ Got through it?! I think to myself. Whipping around I’m about to start in when I realize where he’s going with this, a proclamation about going to Zen and beating the shit out of him. That’s when I realize we’ve just come full circle. Here we go again, it’s time for Mike’s God complex to make an appearance. I let him rant as I watch his brows furrow and his tongue wag. Where the hell did he ever come up with the idea that he could save the world? Not to mention, he had the most fucked up way of showing it. Let’s bring a fucking monstrosity of a wolf, that kills people, into an insane asylum, full of what? Crazy people! Maybe, he has it right? Do away with all the deranged people.

As soon as he’s finished, I pipe up, “First of all: I have gotten through absolutely nothing! There has been no light at the end of this tunnel! I’ve not made it to ‘the end!’ This is my life! A life that is basically an endless string of days of this…” I pull up my shirt one more time to remind him of what I go through on the daily. “There is no war that I’ve made it through. It’s never ending, one battle after the next. It’s never coming to an end. It’s just one day at a time, in here. You have the luxury of going home at the end of the day, and deciding if you want to come back. I have no such luxury. I have no choices in here. Everything in my life just happens to me.” This was not the direction I was intending on going, but I wasn’t able to stop myself. It all just rambled out of my mouth without me being able to stop it, much like my life.

“Second off: maybe, just maybe, you ought to stop trying to save the world? You’ve done a fucking bang-up job of it, so far.” The stare I shot at him was piercing, but I wanted to get my point across. He hadn’t done anyone any favors, and I was positive he was only going to end up making everything worse, again.

Mike: [[ I built Annisa up only to destroy her first glimpse of hope when I brought Leah into the facility. Trying to convince her now things are different and I can keep my word would be a waste of time. That isn’t what she needs from me right now. Action is what is needed and I can do that when I talk to the feds.||

“What’s so strange about all of this is growing up I was on the self centered side. I didn’t put others before myself. That is until my uncle died and it changed my whole perspective on life. I got into this field to help people and so far you are right I only made matters worse for you. It doesn’t mean I plan on letting this be it. I meant what I said about what’s happening today. I’m taking you to medical and making sure you are taken care of.” ]]

Annisa: A smug grin creeps across my features and I shake my head, letting a soft chuckle fall from my lips. Once again, this is all about him, his journey, who he used to be, and who he thinks he is now. “Fine. Take me down to medical. You can’t sit with me long enough to make sure I’m left alone. Sooner or later, you’ll need to go home, back to your life, and what do you think they’ll do to me after you sit guard? You think that will strike fear in the very core of their beings?” I feign a shiver. “Or, do you think it’s more likely that they will punish me even more for allowing you to see how badly I was hurt in the first place?” I let that thought sink in. “You haven’t been here long enough to know how these things work. You think you’ve seen it all. You’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. I’d be better off if you just turned your ass around and walked out of here, right now.”

I turn and walk back to my bed. Carefully, I lie back down and wait for reason to sink in. Mike knows that I’m right. He can’t fix this shit. It’s too broken. I know he’s smarter than that. Then again, he did lock that fucking beast in here, with us. That wasn’t the brightest thing he’s ever done. Maybe, I give him too much credit? Maybe, he really still is just that dumb, self-centered guy that never figured out that life isn’t going to be given to him, just because he asked.

Mike: [[ As much as I hate to admit it Annisa is right. If I take her to medical then attempt to stay with her to keep her safe that will raise all sorts of flags and put Annisa in more danger. The last thing I need is for #Zen or anyone here thinking I actually care about Annisa’s wellbeing. I don’t need to get myself kicked out of here. Rubbing the back of my neck with my hand I stare at Annisa feeling like shit that I’ll have to leave her here. Now that they have beaten her chances are Annisa should be left alone long enough for me to seek help and get Annisa out of here.

Again, self preservation is out the window as I approach Annisa’s bed. I look down at her taking in her broken appearance. She’s strong but little by little this place is dimming the fire in her eyes. I plan to get her out of here before it’s extinguished completely.|| “ You are right. Playing guard duty would only make your life worse. I will leave you alone. Doesn’t mean I won’t be around doing what I can to keep this from happening to you again.” || I can’t just up and leave, I’ll have to finish my shift but the moment it’s time for me to go home I’m going directly to see Agent Juarez to have this place shut down or at the very least Annisa taken out of here.]]

Annisa: “Yeah, yeah, yeah… ever the hero, you are.” I gave Mike a quick roll of the eyes and shake of the head. Seriously, one of these days this guy’s hero complex is going to get him hurt. I’m surprised it hasn’t already. When it does, he won’t be able to say I didn’t tell him so. At least he’s finally beginning to see some of the reality to the situation. This is my life. Nothing he does is going to make it better. Why does he think I started getting violent back? For shits and giggles? I may get a little creative when trying to find things to do in here, but I’m not a violent person by nature. That part of me came from nurture. The nurturing of many nights just like this past one, spitting blood into a steel sink in the corner of a 6 x 8 cell in solitary.

As soon as I rolled over on my side, I thankfully heard his footsteps move toward the door. I was hurting and hungry and tired of trying to hide it all. I just wanted to be left alone for a while and given some much needed time to heal.

#HeroComplex

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