#like the guy at the dairy queen telling my dad a way to get practically free ice cream? flawless.

[neon-vocalist]

shoutout to tired employees. gotta be one of my favourite genres of people

[starlight-writes-stuff]

Can I request how the feral boys would ask you/ what they would do for your first time sleeping over as their girlfriend? That sounds weird but I hope you know what I mean lol. I love your writing by the way!

hi friend , and thank u ! i appreciate it <3 this is a super cute idea and i had a lot of fun writing it ,,,,, im so soft for them i can't . xoxoxoxoxo , starlight

AYO LOOK AT THESE : the smallest bit of smut but overall fluff ! soft feral boys content , come get yall juice

reblogs are always appreciated !!! <3

dream

wouldn’t be planned tbh , you’d been at his place all day and you’re both too tired to drive

you’d start to call an uber and clay would turn your phone over

“you could… stay here, if you want?”

it was a no brainer

of course you’d stay with him

clay would be so excited , smiling through his sleepy haze

he’d finally get up from his computer just to shower you with kisses all over your face

he’d tackle you back onto his bed , his soft , silly kisses turning into lingering, hard kisses

all teeth and tongue and his hands all over you

he’d get one of his legs between yours, shuddering at the way you’d whine into his mouth

his hands would make their way down to your hips

he’d grind your hips down on him , your sleepiness only making you more sensitive

you bet your ass that he’d make you cum just from grinding on his thigh

he lives in a constant state of horny™ even when he’s tired

clay would be so cocky at how he’d made you finish , doing virtually nothing

but he would go so soft at the way you were exhausted after that , yawning and rubbing your eyes

‘baby’ , ‘love’ , ‘pretty girl’

so affectionate 

you could’ve fallen asleep just like that but clay makes you get up and change

“baby , you don't want to sleep in your clothes” 

“sleep in mine instead”

you would just grumble back at him until he would physically lift you out of bed

clay would help you out of your clothes 

he’d put you in his sweats and a giant dream hoodie

just incase sap walked in for some reason

doesn't want him seeing any of the goods™

he’d carry you to the bathroom and find an extra toothbrush

clay would absolutely try to talk to you while brushing his teeth and the two of you would laugh s o hard at each other trying to talk with mouths full of toothpaste

again , he would pick you up and carry you back to his bed , shutting the door behind the two of you

“don't you want to say goodnight to sap?” “no :)”

the two of you would fall onto his bed and be asleep within 10 minutes , completely tangled in each other

he talks in his sleep

but you snore

so its even

☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁

george

soft george my beloved

he’d probably plan your guys first ‘sleepover’

he would want to make it special , and definitely do something memorable

george would bring it up to you like a week before

he’d practically invite you like it was a birthday party :,)

i can't

he’d make reservations for a nice dinner before and get all dressed up

george would pick you up and hold your hand on the console

he’d open all the doors for you 

he'd pull out your c h a i r

yall would definitely be cracking jokes all throughout dinner in the middle of this fancy restaurant

george would ABSOLUTELY knock his silverware off the table at some point

you would have to fight to not spit your drink out , laughing so hard

he’d skip on desert at the restaurant and take you to dairy queen or something

it would be the two of you in your fancy attire , sitting outside some tiny ice cream parlor

looking at eachother like you were the only two people on earth

yall are in L O V E 

once you two got home george would carry your overnight bag in 

he would change immediately 

bc he h8’s fancy clothes 

but wanted to dress up for you 

after you guys changed into pajamas , you’d stay up talking for hours

he’d tell you stories of him and all the feral boys

you’d tell him stupid things you did as a kid

the two of you would want to make the most of the extended time you had together and stay up until like 2 in the morning

george’s voice would get all low and raspy from talking for so long

you’d fall asleep on the couch together when you physically couldn’t hold your eyes open anymore

george would wake up when the sun started shining through the blinds

he would carry you up to his bed 

then promptly fall back asleep with you in his arms

☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁

sapnap 

snapmap my love .

this man doesn’t plan shi t

it would be very spur of the moment , the two of you laughing at some joke that he made when he’d grab your hand suddenly v serious

“will you sleep with me tonight?”

he’d look so earnest while asking that and you would BURST into laughter

it would take nick a hot sec to realise what he’d said and once he did . he would simply . disintegrate .

he would be so dramatic about it too

“i was trying to be romantic ! stop laughing at me !”

and you would just sit there , laughing so hard that you couldn’t produce noise anymore , just silent wheezes

you would start to cry and nick would pOUT

you would just nod , literally unable to produce words

but sap would brighten up at that

“so you’ll stay the night?”

once you got control of yourself , the two of you continued on doing what you were doing

it was like a normal day other than the fact that it ,,,, wouldn’t end

you two watched movies and played minecraft all day , being lazy together

you’d doordash dinner or order pizza or something so you didn’t have to leave the house

he’d have to stream and you would just chill , eating pizza in bed

once it became apparent that the stream was gonna last longer than planned , you would quietly come up behind him and drop a kiss on his cheek

he’d grin at you but be confused ???

you’d text him so your voice wouldn’t pop up on stream

‘gonna take a shower / keep myself busy’

he’d text back a single ‘👍🏼’

sapnap texts like a dad and NO ONE can tell me otherwise

you’d shower and get dressed , then wander down to the kitchen trying to find something to do

scavenger hunt™ for cookie ingredients

you’d bake his favorite and surprise him with a warm cookie im s o f t

the SMILE that would cross his face my god

he would feel so loved

he’d mute stream to thank you, putting his hands around your waist and burying his face into your stomach

you k n o w he’d find some way to end stream early after that , wanting to be with you

the two of you would finish off all the cookies , watching scary movies together

he’d hold you when you jump at all the spooky shit

you’d do the same for him bc sap is baby

chat . i'm kinda scared . lowkey .

you were both half asleep by the time you made your way back up to his room

you’d be lights out the minute your head hit the pillows 

and he’d be big spoon

☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁

karl

karl would probably ask you that day , texting you before you’d even come over to ask if you would stay the night

you two had technically slept over before , but never at karl’s place (usually pulling all nighters with the feral boys on stream or with the beast crew)

you can not tell me . that karl . would not build a fort . with you .

and he would 100% go all out with it

he’d get lights to string up on the inside (the twinkle ones for sure)

he would get a fuckton of pillows and the softest blankets he can find and pile them in

karl would essentially make a nest for the two of you

you’d spend the first hour alone sharing soft kisses and cuddling so close that you weren't sure where you ended and karl began

he’d hold you , letting you lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat

you’d talk about everything and nothing at all , just wanting to hear each other’s voices

until someone’s stomach growled

he’d laugh until he couldn't breathe 

you had tears rolling down your face , your stomach hurting from the giggles 

he’d either take you to get food before or doordash your favorite

because neither of you can cook blESS

you’d pick out cute , matching pajamas for your first official night together

but

he’d end up giving you his clothes to sleep in 

because he likes you wearing his stuff 

and it's more comfortable than your fancy pajamas

he’d cover his eyes and face a blanket/wall while you were changing

the only time either of you would leave the fort would be for more snacks or to go to the bathroom

karl would bring his laptop in and turn in a movie as you two were settling in for the night 

(some super dumb kids movie) 

(my brain immediately went to the lorax) 

(i’ll see myself out)

and he’d stay awake until you fell asleep, your face buried into his t-shirt

it made his heart so full that you felt safe enough to fall asleep with him

he’d play with your hair and trace over your features as soft as possible

because you're just so beautiful when you’re asleep ??

karl murmurs how much he loves you , everything that he loves about you while he knows you can't hear it

he’d drift off with you still in his arms, his lips pressed to the top of your head in a sweet, gentle kiss

and the two of you would stay like that the entire night , keeping each other warm

im so soft for him

can u tell

karl jacobs my love

☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁  ☁

quackity

listen

everyone writes big q as a stupid dumb dummy

and while he can be that at some times

this man would be so fucking thoughtful ??? when it came to his girl ?????

you literally can't tell me otherwise .

much like gogy he would plan something special

but like

he can COOK yall

he’d make you a nice ass dinner

and set up a picnic in the backyard 

he’d light candles and make it all fancy

literally it would be a scene out of a movie

once you finished eating dinner the two of you would watch the sunset

he’d play guitar and sING FOR YOU

you’d stay outside soaking in the heat even after the sun had gone down

stargazing for as long as you could

alex would put his arm around you and have you lay on his chest

you’d listen to his heartbeat while you pointed out the big dipper

he’d make up his own constellations aljidhkuvgfhadj

you two would only go inside because you were being eaten alive by mosquitos

one of you would play music off your phone and yall would slow dance in the kitchen

he would repeatedly tell you how much he loved you , pressing tender kisses to your neck , your jaw

until a fucking ad would play

and alex would just lose his shit

he would laugh so hard he’d ipad kid cough

then you would simply ascend

the two of you would be laying on the kitchen floor absolutely D Y I N G of laughter

you’d stay there for a while , trying to recover

by the time you did , your ribs were sore from all the giggles

alex would pick you up and throw you over his shoulder , walking you up to bed

he’d suplex you onto the mattress

the two of you are children around each other tbh

that would lead to a wrestling match

until you’d found your way onto his lap , pinning him by his wrists

w h e w

the way that man would kiss you after that ? bye im gone

lets just say by the time he was finished you would both be exhausted

he’d tell you how pretty you were , how good you did

the two of you would fall asleep with tangled limbs , half kissing

[whocalledhimannux]

@peregrer the What. 👀👀👀 *insert John Mulaney gif of "say more right now"*

ok so when I say "the extent to which I've fleshed out the QT GBBO AU in my head is getting to be embarrassing," I truly and deeply mean it, please enjoy 1,900 words of utter ridiculousness.

first, our competitors:

Legarus - performs so poorly that viewers are a bit confused how he got on the show in the first place, a la Jamie (series 10) or that one guy who made a lime and chocolate cake in the first week.

Chloe - nice flavors and good ideas for decorations, but pretty sloppy. was up for elimination in the first week but came back with a great showstopper.

Melheret - good but not as good as he thinks he is (hence his bread week elimination because of sloppy technique), heavy-handed with the alcohol flavoring

Agape - solid competitor, not flashy but tasty + pretty results. I haven't worked out exact week-by-week themes (that would indeed be Too Much) but I imagine this is something like "Dairy" or "Caramel" or "Vegan," some particular element she just happens to not be strong on. viewers are disappointed by her early elimination

Teleus - Dad contestant. brings in a bunch of weird pans and gadgets he made up himself, does pretty well until it comes to Fiddly Foreign Foods he doesn't know (probably eliminated in French or Patisserie week)

Laela - typically has good flavors and pretty designs but technical knowledge is a bit lacking, so there are usually some flaws in the execution and she's often in the bottom half of technicals

Phresine - Grandma contestant. nails the classics but ultimately isn't creative enough to make it further.

Magus - the "Ian (series 6)" flavor of Dad contestant, often brings in foraged ingredients or eggs from his own chickens or whatnot and revives old recipes/flavor combinations no one else knows about. one week, some of those turn out to just be too weird, leading to his elimination.

Sophos - pretty elaborate decorations and good flavors (on the border of classic and new), but he tends to try a million different embellishments on everything and struggles with timing, occasionally to the detriment of technique.

Kamet - always has really interesting and different flavors and tends to do well in technicals especially, assuming he doesn't get overwhelmed. which is... an assumption (Finalist)

Costis - leans towards classic and indulgent flavors, although sometimes a bit sloppy--the kind of contestant where the judges look at his dishes and say "it's a bit of a mess" and then Paul Hollywood starts laughing because it still tastes delicious (Finalist)

Irene - absolutely stunning visually, queen of the technicals, occasionally gets the "style over substance" warning (Winner)

more details below the cut

I've gone back and forth on whether Eugenides should be in it but ultimately I decided no because I wanted to maintain a pre-show relationship between Laela + Kamet (I thought otherwise at first but then I realized I hadn't left Kamet any longterm friends or family for his finalist video and that's depressing af) and Irene and Sophos which to my knowledge hasn't happened once on the show so far? so having a married couple on top of that seems like it would be a stretch, and also then I think I'd need to make Eugenides the winner on principle and you know what? he can stand to be second fiddle to his wife for a little bit. My alternate backstory for him is that he was actually the winner of MasterChef one year (good with knives), so in the first episode Irene's first little chat to camera is something like "my husband's been bugging me for years to try out and I keep telling him he's got a skewed perspective on cooking competitions, finally I applied just to shut him up... and here we are." Her little video introduction is about how baking is a stress relief from her bigshot job. Her decorations tend to be abstract and gorgeous rather than cutesy.

Kamet, likewise, was nagged into applying by Laela, but she very cleverly framed it as she wanted to apply and wanted him to do it to for moral support. both were confident the other would get in and surprised that they did themselves. This is one of those series where everyone's friendships are immediate and obvious and super adorable (cast of series 10 my beloved...), and in particular these two are holding hands in episode 1. Laela's deep blue robe from TaT sticks in my head for whatever reason so I imagine her making an elaborate blue peacock cake or something one week that wins her star baker. somebody always does a peacock something and it's always impressiev.

Phresine is cool as a cucumber under pressure, always has lovely things to say about everyone else's bakes, and is the go-to last-minute helper because she usually comes in under the time. Irene starts out similar but as the weeks go by she starts to feel the pressure a bit more and cuts it a bit close. Sophos is the worst on timings, and mentions his wife at least once an episode. (I also played with him being single on the show and meeting Helen later through Irene and Eugenides, but this idea is too cute to pass up tbh.) Teleus lives with Relius, a fact that isn't mentioned until a few weeks in when he comments that Relius likes a recipe or gave him an idea for a flavor or something (Relius does not bake himself but will happily sample practice bakes), to the surprised delight of every viewer whose favorite contestant is the oldest gay in any given series (me, me, that person is me).

Costis tends to use a lot of chocolate and, as I said, pretty "classic" flavors--one of those people who makes a full English savory bake at some point. He's usually in the top half of the competition but doesn't get the top until one of the later weeks in the competition, which is a Honey themed week, and he absolutely nails it. The delicate decorations of his honey nut cakes and his use of honeycomb are particularly praised and that's the week he gets star baker. One of those bakers who flirts with elimination the first few weeks but noticeably improves over the course of the show.

My most, like, plot-y ideas are about Kamet (SHOCKER). I imagine he was born in Setra (I usually make Setra a non-autonomous region in my AUs) but arrived in Britain as a child due to [Unspecified Crisis] and ended up with foster dad Jeffa, who was roughly from the same region but not Setra itself; whenever Kamet wanted Setran food as a kid, Jeffa would take him to the library to find recipes and that was what sparked his love of baking. He's well-read on the subject and knows about foods from a lot of different cultures, so he's usually heard of the technical challenges even if he hasn't made or eaten them. He does a lot of fusion flavors, and is ALL ABOUT bread week.

I don't usually make the his-relationship-with-Nahuseresh-is-romantic leap in modern AUs but I think it works for this one because of the nature of the format--Nahuseresh doesn't actually appear on camera but is alluded to once or twice, ends up being Very Displeased that Kamet is doing something for himself, and during the week following Laela's elimination they have the fight that makes Kamet realizes this is actually a terrible relationship and he needs to leave now. He calls Laela to let her know what's up and mentions that, since he'll need to stay in a motel and has presumbly lost his job as a secretary (yeah working for your boyfriend is Bad, he's realized that now), he's going to have to drop out of the show. Laela, despite living in a studio flat without room to host him, immediately thinks "um fuck that" and calls Costis, and within an hour Costis and Aris and a few rugby buddies have moved all of Kamet's things into Costis and Aris's flat, where Costis insists that he'll squeeze into Aris's room (they've shared before, it's fine) and that Kamet gets first dibs on the kitchen for all bake off practices.

None of them actually reveal any of this to the show's producers. Kamet gets a little overwhelmed the following week and nearly walks away from the tent, but Costis jumps in to keep his bake from being ruined, and some soothing words from Irene + the hosts calm him down and he returns to finish. The only mention of the Drama comes in the finale, during the longer video clips they do on each of the contestants. Kamet is deliberately vague about the details of the situation, but Aris shows up in both Costis's and Kamet's videos and references the fact that having TWO flatmates in the bake off is a bit difficult because they only have a standard size kitchen, so he hasn't cooked for himself in a month and has been living off cake and savory breads. one of the hosts talks to Kamet in the tent after that clip is shown and he still won't talk about it in more detail, but says that he wanted to tell people so they could appreciate why Costis hasn't practiced as much the last few weeks (the judges scolded him for winging it a couple of times), and admits that he totally copied some of Costis's techniques for honey week based on watching him at home.

I imagine the finale task is something like an illusion cake--probably with a bunch of additional required elements because the show has been going bonkers with the finale showstoppers in the newer seasons--and Irene wins with a jewelry box containing, among other things, ruby earrings made out of candy. Kamet does a stepwell, and Costis does something architectural (I was thinking castle but something visibly Greek-ish so maybe a temple or a megaron? idk). Irene wins but they're all BFFs and that's obvious, so everyone's delighted for her. The little montage at the end reveals that Irene + Gen are expecting twins, that everybody hangs out all the time, and that Costis + co recently helped Kamet move into his own flat where he's now working on a novel (Immakuk and Ennikar inspired, obvi, leaning heavily on the honey-shared-on-the-road thing and including some recipes that actually work in the narration, albeit still written in an ancient-novel-like-way).

[Obviously not part of the show, but when Kamet mentions that it's time for him to look for his own place, Costis tries to v awkwardly invite him to stay forever and Kamet is like "nope I've got to try this on my own but yes we will go on a date once I've moved out and see how it goes from there."]

[This is so far beyond the scope of the show but also several of them go on to have more baking-related careers and have active social media presences and at one point they're all hanging out and Eugenides pulls out a camera and demands they all produce baking pick-up lines. Teleus refuses and also doesn't believe anyone knows baking pick-up lines off the top of their head or could make them up on the spot. Sophos sort of proves him right by coming up with "you're the apple of my pie," which Eugenides instantly mocks because Sophos's three greatest loves are baking, Helen, and poetry, and that's the best he can do? Helen comes up with "I like my cake the way I like my men--rich, sweet, and bright red," to which Sophos blushes on cue. Irene's is "when I'm with you, I feel like chocolate heated to 50 degrees--I struggle to maintain my temper." Eugenides protests this is more like an anti-pickup line. Irene insists this is the most accurate marriage-related baking pun anyone could ever come up with.

[Laela's is "You and I are like custard--I hope we never split." Kamet's is "You remind me of bread, because I knead you." Costis freezes for a minute and finally comes up with "Fancy a cream horn?" which produces a lot of giggling and makes Kamet slap his arm in such a way that, hen Eugenides posts this video to instagram, fans of the show all go WAIT ARE THEY DATING NOW] [by this point, yes they are] [I didn't even have to google baking pickup lines for this, guys, I legit came up with them on my own, please clap.]

am I obsessed? I might be obsessed

[smolspiderboy]

Love & Baseball ~ Scott Reed

Request: Hi can i request a scott reed imagine where the reader doesnt go to liberty high (she does online/homeschool) but they meet through a summer job and start dating, but when school starts back up he never wants her to come to games or parties or anything and one day she surprises him at one of his games and he gets really mad and doesn’t want to introduce her to his friends and she thinks its bc hes embarrassed by her or cheating or something worse but it turns out he just doesn’t want her to know that he’s friends with such awful people and likes that their relationship is private and he can get away from it all when hes with her

Pairing: Scott Reed x Reader

A/N: @sunshinegally requested this and i’m so happy they did! I love them and they are absolutely amazing (: This was honestly so much fun to write and I’m super sorry it took me so long to post it. I really hope you like it even though it kinda sucks. Also I’ve been super busy with school and family this summer. But i’m back and better than ever so go ahead and request imagines and ships now!

Warnings: Cursing and mentions of Bryce Walker (ew)

You never would’ve imagined that working at the local Dairy Queen for the summer would be the best decision of your life. Usually teenagers dreaded going back to work during the summer and originally this was the case for you. At least until you met him. Scott Reed, the most wonderful, fun-loving, and caring guy in this small town. This boy meant everything to you and this was the best summer of your entire life. But of course, summer always comes to an end.

“Scottie, I can’t believe how lucky I am to call you mine.” You smile at him leaning into his open arms. This was the usual date night for you and Scott, laying in bed watching movies together. It may seem simple and lame to others but the both of you loved the idea of being close to one another and not having to do fancy/expensive things to make each other happy.

“Babe, if anything I’m the lucky one. I mean have you seen yourself? You’re basically a Goddess.” Scott remarks, true infatuation evident in his eyes. “Spending time with you is my favorite activity.” He places a kiss onto your temple.

“I love spending time with you too. I’m so sad that school starts back tomorrow.” You fill a twinge of guilt wash over you because Scott goes to Liberty High and you’re currently homeschooled. “You’ll be so busy with homework and sports that I won’t get to see you as often.” You pout.

“Y/n, you’re one of my top priorities don’t worry about any of that. I can always make time for my girl.” He smirks peppering your face with kisses.

“You’re too cute, Scott Reed. Too cute.” You chuckle rolling on top of him.

“Only for you y/l/n.” He winks pulling you back down to him so that he can easily wrap you in a hug. “I can’t wait for you to come see me play baseball in the Spring. The teams going to be great this year. We have so much to work for since Jeff Atkins isn’t with us anymore.” He slowly looks down, you can tell how close him and Jeff were. Losing a friend is always hard, especially if they were your closest teammate.

“Oh yeah. Just look for the loudest girl cheering in the bleachers every game. That will be me.” You genuinely smile feeling great about your relationship.

“Gotcha babe. Spring can’t come fast enough.” Scott chirps giving you a slow and passionate kiss.

Times skip to Spring

As your relationship with Scott progressed from the summer forward it seemed as if it couldn’t get any better. The world just seemed better when you and Scott were together and you couldn’t see yourself with anyone else. But of course nothing is perfect at all times.

Scott seemed to have been distancing himself lately and you honestly had no idea why. Things seemed to be perfect earlier but as soon as baseball season started he started going to parties with the team and not inviting you. Thoughts raced through your head wondering what you have done wrong but no logical explanation came to your mind except that Scott was either embarrassed of you or cheating on you. Actually no, Scott would never do that to you. But this still made no sense at all.

“Hey Scott, it’s y/n. Just wanted to check in and make sure the baseball game is tomorrow at 5?” You ended the voicemail feeling slightly awkward leaving a message. You were always a little awkward at phone calls and expressing your feelings when you aren’t face to face. Luckily Scott had invited you over this afternoon after practice so you could see him then.

“Hey.” You greet him with a kiss. “Did you get my voicemail earlier?”

“Oh yeah, I was just about to call you back but I remembered you were coming over today anyway.” He says moving out of the doorway letting you enter his home.

“Oh yeah that makes sense.” You mentally facepalm yourself.

“But coach rescheduled the game tomorrow for next week.” He says visibly frowning. “But I’ll try to see if you can get into that game.” He says instantly replacing his previous frown with a smile.

“Oh yeah, that’s fine. I just can’t wait to see my baby in action.” You giggle sitting down on the couch beside him.

“I’ll make sure we win just for you.” He places a soft kiss onto your lips. “But the team is a little shaky this year without Jeff and since there’s so much drama going around Liberty.”

“Drama? What happened?” This was the first time he’s told you about drama on the baseball team. Usually he makes it seem like they all walk on clouds and are perfect. Especially a boy named Bryce Walker. But you might be wrong.

“Ah well it’s nothing really.” He shrugs it off obviously not wanting to go into further detail.

“Oh alright.” You whisper feeling a little upset that he isn’t sharing his problems with you. “Well I hope everything turns around before the seasons over.” You try to lighten the mood.

“Doubt it.” He mumbles under his breath.

“What was that?” You question barely able to understand what he says.

“Oh um, I said let’s eat. My mom made us some dinner.” He stands up outstretching his hand towards you. “M’lady.” This makes you chuckle.

“Why thank you kind sir.” You meet his hand with yours and walk into the dining room with his parents. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Reed.” You smile receiving a hello back. They all begin to eat once you sit down and for awhile dinner goes by in complete silence. A silent dinner isn’t abnormal in the Reed household though. Scott usually isn’t home until late at night due to practice and both of his parents work crazy schedules. Mr. Reed breaks the silence though.

“So Scott, how was practice?” Mr. Reed asks after taking a bite of his food.

“It was pretty good. The team’s a little rusty right now.” He refuses to make eye contact.

“Well I hope that you guys can catch a few wins this season.” His dad laughs a little. “How is that Bryce kid doing?” When this question leaves his dad’s mouth you notice Scott physically freeze and look upet.

“I don’t really wanna talk about Bryce right now dad. I’m going to the bathroom.” Scott gets up and leaves the table.

“Sorry about that y/n, Scott’s been a little iffy lately with baseball.” Mrs. Reed apologizes

“It’s fine Mrs. Reed. Baseball is really important to Scott and he probably just wants to make you proud.” You smile at her before taking a bite of the mashed potatoes.

“Are you planning on coming to the game tomorrow?” Scott’s dad asks making you look up quicky.

“Oh they have a game tomorrow?” You question feeling slightly suspicious of Scott’s statement earlier.

“Yes, it is a home game at 5 pm.” Mrs. Reed chimes in.

“Hm alright. I will try my best to be there.” You mutter while attempting to force a smile. Scott comes back after that conversation and you pretend everything is fine. After dinner you make up an excuse to leave so that you can go home and clear your head.

Why would Scott lie to you? What is he hiding? These questions filled your head throughout the night, keeping you from falling asleep. Scott never lies to you. Never. Something is definitely wrong.

The next afternoon

You’re getting dressed for the baseball game when you receive a text from Scott.

Scott: Hey babe, I miss you so much. 😫

Y/n: I miss you too 😔

Scott: Maybe we could hang out later tonight?

Y/n: I’m actually busy tonight. But maybe tomorrow?

Scott: Tomorrow is fine with me (:

As you finish applying your makeup you grab your keys and begin heading out the door. Coming to Scott’s secret game could either be a really good idea or a really bad idea.

As you arrive you try to blend in with the crowd so that way Scott won’t notice you until later when you run up to him and hug him. The baseball game lasts for awhile and soon it’s the last inning and Scott is up to bat. The pitcher throws a fastball but Scott swings with just the right amount of force and speed to send it flying across the field and over the fence. He hit a homerun!

“Woo!!! Go baby!!!” You accidentally yell once he runs around the bases making it back home. He quickly turns around and spots you and forces a very uncomfortable smile onto his face. He gives a small wave and then walks back to the dugout with his teammates to celebrate their win. As fans begin to leave or go visit their kids you go wait by the dugout for Scott, hoping that he has come up with a good excuse as to why he would lie to you.

You feel a body move behind you and whip around to see a tall boxy boy standing a little too close for comfort. “Hey, haven’t seen you around here before.” The mysterious man says sticking out his hand in order for you to shake it.

“Yeah, this is my first time coming to a game.” You mumble praying that Scott walks out any second.

“Well a pretty girl like you shouldn’t be standing here all alone. Some guys around here are sleazy.” He says placing a hand on your shoulder. You shrug it off just as Scott exits the dugout and walks over to you.

“Bryce, get your hands off of my girlfriend.” Scott says throwing his stuff down on the ground and shielding you from the boy now known as Bryce.

“Reed chill. I was just getting to know her. Telling her how some guys around here do bad things to pretty girls.” He says eyeballing you. Immediately you feel uncomfortable and place your arms over your chest and slide behind Scott.

“Walker get the fuck away from us right now or I swear you’re going to regret ever looking at y/n.” Scott says stepping towards Bryce sizing him up.

“Dude calm down. I’m leaving. Way to ruin all of the fun.” He says walking back towards the dugout.

“Are you okay?” Scott says placing his hands on your arms searching your body for any signs of discomfort.

“Y-yes, I’m fine.” You stutter feeling scared of your previous surroundings. “He didn’t get to do anything because you showed up so thank you.” You look down at your feet afraid to meet his gaze. Why would he be friends with such terrible people?

“I’m really sorry you had to meet him. And I’m also super sorry that I lied to you about the game tonight.” He says tilting your chin up so that you can look at his face.

You nod. “Well now I see why you never invited me.” You roll your eyes at the situation. “I want to be mad at you but I do understand why you wouldn’t want me to be put in this kind of situation.”

“I never wanted to hurt you by lying, I just know some of the guys on this team aren’t the best people to introduce to girlfriends and I didn’t want you to be put in an uncomfortable situation like this.” He says blabbering on and on about how sorry he is.

“Scott it’s fine. I’m just happy you aren't embarrassed of me or something.” You chuckle making him become the one to look confused.

“You thought I was embarrassed of you?” He looks confused and you slowly nod your head. “Y/n, I would never in a million years be ashamed or embarrassed of you. You are the literal light of my life and I love to show you off. I just liked keeping our relationship private and away from all of the team because it helps me escape from all the drama while keeping you safe.” He holds your hands while looking into your eyes.

“Aw Scottie, I love you.” You giggle placing a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“I love you too. And I will never be able to tell you how thankful I am that you chose me.” He leans down to kiss you. The kiss is slow but yet passionate and you can feel just how much he loves you and never wants to let you go.

[blairwarner]

2017 wrap-up

this is essentially for the sake of posterity (so i can look back and remember things bc my memory can be shit)

2017 was one of the biggest years of your life so far.

you completed your first year of school back after taking a break for your health and the sake of your family. you also completed it at a new school. it was lonely sometimes, but you discovered your path, choosing to be an english major after one of your professors suggested it - something you are thankful for. you fell back in love with learning and have high hopes for the future - thinking of becoming a teacher.

------

your grandmother died, leaving your mom without either of her parents on this earth. the last interaction you had was when she pulled you close and felt your hair and face, as if she was committing the feeling to memory. one of the last things you heard her say as she was coming in and out was, “george, i was looking for you.” you like to think that she saw grandpa, welcoming her to wherever her soul went. father john came around a few times and led prayer. she was surrounded by family and love with singing and prayers. near the end when she was waiting for billy, mom played mario lanza for her. billy, dottie, and nina arrived, and grandma was finally ready. you sat by her side, holding her hand. everyone was there the morning she died. we were all in the room, supporting her and each other. shayna had grandpa’s eagle with her.

that same morning, you were in the elevator with mom and dad which is when they told you that dad relapsed and was going back to rehab. you had this overwhelming feeling of something for mom. a mix of sadness and anger - probably a few more things thrown in there.

the next day, plans were made for the funeral and the family ate dinner at an italian restaurant. on the way home, you got pulled over for an expired license tag. it was also the day you were asked if you would sing at the funeral. you said yes, of course.

the next day was the day when preparations went into effect. that morning, dad took you to the car place so you could get henry inspected. while you waited, you went to hardees and talked to him about being nervous about singing. afterwards, all of the girls got their hair done and mom took you and jill to get pedicures/manicures at the place where grandma liked to get her nails done. the women working that day remembered grandma - you’re skeptical if they actually did, but it was nice nonetheless. while we got our nails done, jill had her checklist, making sure the important things weren’t forgotten about.

the rest of the day was spent getting things ready, and the family gathered at grandma’s/donna’s. we were each allowed to take a scarf of hers. you took two (with permission). you also dropped by the theatre to print off the music for the singing. “they long to be (close to you)” the song grandma sang to mom when she was a baby and the song you remember mom singing to your brother. it was also the song you sang for grandma for her 80th birthday. you know it by heart.

there’s more that happened in these days such as going to the crematorium, shopping for a dress (something of a tradition now), and discussions about where dad was going to rehab. it’s hard to remember, even now, what happened when. those days are a blur.

the day of the funeral arrived. you wore a floral dress with grandma’s green scarf. you separated yourself from the family once you got to church because there was no way you’d be able to sing if you were surrounded by them beforehand. at the start of the service, you were the first family member to walk in (everyone else waited until you were done singing). the church was full. as soon as the music started, you closed your eyes and held onto your scarf. you didn’t open your eyes again until you were done. somehow you managed to make it through without your throat closing up and tears falling down. you felt something positive surrounding you. you felt taller. sometimes you think it was grandma.

the family came in, and the service started. father john’s speech was memorable. he talked about the first time he met grandma and remarked on how intently she listened. he talked about how she grew orchids and how each of her children were like orchids. she truly was the backbone of the family.

you can’t remember the rest of the day, but there was an overwhelming amount of love in the best way possible.

------

the day after the funeral was also the day dad left for his second round of rehab. mom drove him - although you had reservations about that, you respected mom’s decision.

this round of rehab was different from the last - shorter. you visited once (since it was further than last time). this rehab had a more residential feel, and was in the mountains, and dad seemed to enjoy the quirks of the program (like yoga).

a month later, he was supposed to drive himself back home (part of his therapy). you got a call from jill, telling you that something happened. on his way back, dad had a drink (most likely more than one), was arrested, and got a dui. mom bailed him out. you wanted to go back home, but you were told to stay at school.

because of his dui, dad lost his license to work. he was put into a program where they monitor him (does a breathalyzer everyday at certain hours, goes to a meeting everyday, etc). if he stays sober and follows the program, the board might give him his license back. so far, he’s done everything he’s supposed to. he seems dedicated to his sobriety - has run tattoo ideas by you that would have his sobriety date on it. he’s working hard.

------

you interviewed to teach at a theatre camp and got the job. they didn’t get enough kids, and when you found out, the summer had already begun. you rushed to find a job, and jill suggested seeing if they needed help in the kitchens at the camp that she was a counselor and camper at. within a week, you applied, interviewed, got the job, and drove halfway across the country to begin a job as a cook - something you had 0 experience in whatsoever.

------

before you left for camp, you went into a gas station, and that’s when that girl told you you look like blair, and your life was changed tbh as you were introduced to ‘the facts of life.’ it wasn’t until you got back from camp that you really got into it. i don’t need to write much about it because your blog is evidence enough. 

------

as i’m sure you remember, you went in thinking you’d be getting a week of orientation, but unlike the rest of the kitchen staff for the camps, you and reece were thrown into the deep end after one day. remember when you met reece? from the start, he was goofy, and he was the first friend you made there. the second was samantha. she drove you and reece to the camp where you’d be working. she reminded you a lot of alie, and you felt welcomed by her.

for a week, you worked with a smaller crew. you would have had to do breakfast all by yourself (which you didn’t know) on your second day if it weren’t for chrissy. she watched out for you and came in after she heard that they were just gonna have you do it all by yourself even though you didn’t know what you were supposed to be doing. she saved your ass that morning. you were told that you’d be doing lunch by yourself the next day. you were hella scared, but chrissy saved you again and got someone from the culinary department to come in and help.

once the first week was over, you were able to work for your camp. it was just the high schoolers at first, so a smaller group, but everyone embraced you. you felt a part of the camp even though you were “just” kitchen staff.

soon, the entire camp was there, and you and chrissy and reece were working together now as a team. you usually did the breakfast/lunch shift (although, that always contained more to do such as snacks and prep). however, i’m sure you remember, you ended up working more than you were supposed to (remember that one 15 hour shift? you were practically a zombie. thank god for reece). to wake up on time, you’d listen to music to help you sleep (usually “she’s like the wind” and “open arms” were the songs you’d listened to right before sleeping). your favorite breakfast to make was croissants because they tasted delicious. you also started drinking your coffee black because you stopped caring at that point - you just needed the caffeine.

one of the most eventful days was the day of the christmas banquet. it was all hands on deck, and you three got the brunch out on time, and it was a beautiful spread - a full fish, nutella, croissants, multiple kinds of salads, fruit, caviar, smorbror, eggs, bacon, and more. it went on for a few tables, and it looked beautiful. however, chrissy was sick, and had to leave, so the big dinner banquet was fully up to you two. thank god reece was with you. in case you’ve forgotten, you’re truly grateful for reece. he remained calm and worked steadily. together, you got the food out, and it tasted delicious.

there are so many more memories from camp, to write them all out would take hours, so here are fragments that might mean something to you whenever you read this again:

spiderman/dairy queen with reece, pool bar/karaoke/walmart/doodles with reece, that time we didn’t have chocolate, switch to spanish, “golden girl,” katherine, aebleskiver, walking back to camp with reece, laundry, pandora, bug music, bread, norwegians made room for me, pink floral pajamas, spiderman again, washing dishes to go to spiderman, going to dq with whole crew, bruno, girls trip with nosara, day we went to the lake thing and went to that bookstore and chocolates, chopping up all those rice cakes, owning the taco stand, dancing to despacito, night we stayed up late w/closing, that time we frosted that cake badly, so many bunk changes, “you guys are gonna get married,” happy birthday golden girl, sabri, linnea, gas station, jill’s car, lavender lotion, red hands (tomato acidity), google earth game, kitchen survivors, all the cake, walk-in moments, reece prepping and laughing while you recapped your fave movies for him, the first time you put on your chef’s coat, hey arnold hat, virtual reality, no makeup.

all in all, you worked your ass off and felt true pride for one of the first times in your life. before the summer, you were feeling like you were living in the wrong life. after the summer, you felt more confident than ever before. the experience was life changing. 

------

on the day you flew back home from camp, you met your brother and his (now) wife, along with your nieces. you went to subway and talked for a tiny bit before they dropped you off at the airport. you both made the same comment about a taco bell. you have similar sense of humor. it’s very clear that you’re related. you need to send them their wedding gift still. 

------

your birthday this year was one of the best. the night before, you went to the bar with kylie and danielle and had some drinks. then, on the day of, you went to go see baby driver again (all by yourself). you felt such peaceful happiness, and the sky was golden. this is also the birthday when you got your oil diffuser. 

------

halloween was awesome this year. you wore your leather jacket and went to the bar with kylie and tysun (and danielle, but she left early), and then aaron came too. and you got the most drunk you’ve ever been, and that one random guy said you were glamorous, and you all went to waffle house at the end of the night bc the mcdonalds drive-thru had an odd vibe happening and the line wasn’t moving so. it was a good night. 

------

you made a tinder this year. you never use it, but it’s a step. again, your confidence is at an all-time high. 

------

mom was approved by the bishop to move onto seminary. 

------

you went to a kesha concert with jill, and it was so much fun. beforehand, you both did your makeup together in her bathroom (jill wore rainbow sparkles, and you did a green eye with killer eyeliner). when you got there, you were some of the first people in the venue bc jill got her tickets earlier. you found a spot behind a ledge, so you were able to rest your drink on it. you had some cider :) the preshow music was really wonderful (included “piece of my heart”). you guys were also right behind the light and sound booths, so you were able to see the color thing that’s like what you use on photoshop. it was very cool. the opening act was savoy motel, and you enjoyed them. greatly. kesha was awesome - even better live. her energy was wonderful, and there was a lot of love in the room. you and jill had a good time. you pretended to sing along bc you didn’t want jill to know that you hadn’t listened to the cd she gave you for your birthday yet. it was kesha’s stage manager’s birthday, and at one point, she called him onstage and they gave him a cake. it was sweet. after the concert, jill took you to this really nice coffee shop/bakery. you got some macarons and tea (also a lemon tart). when you got back to her apartment, you talked for a bit and called ben to wish him a happy birthday (this is also the time he told you about taco bell)

------

these are only some of your memories from this year, here are some fragments that might mean something to you bc i’m too lazy to write even more out:

that girl who said your hair looked like brigitte bardot’s, shaking oaks, alie visit, curlers, meetings with professor, human rights colloquium, stability realization, fam’s help moving in, day in shakespeare with apples to apples type game (good group), mary tyler moore, MOONLIGHT BEST PICTURE, gay, thrift shopping with kylie, popsicles, whitney, early american authors, william apess, adidas, hair cut, first fanfic, sPOTIFY, lady bird with morgan, get out with kylie, guardians of the galaxy 2 (music - father and son), beauty and the beast with matt and nora, matt driving u to camp (listened to thing about churchill), watched dirty dancing for the first time, grandma said you would make a good teacher (she also said you would make a good guidance counselor), chelsea, the crown season 2, pizza after jazz with kylie and aaron and a couple of others, grocery shopping, sugar daddy, cucumber/salmon/remolaude/gruyere/onion appetizer

[christopher--forrester]

ally - self para

Christopher's parents are moving nonstop for a month after it happens.

They make fliers, they show up on the news, they call every number in the damn phone book. They don't even see him through the blur of activity. They don't know that he wakes up from a nightmare every few hours or that he sometimes waits for the bus to drive past the stop and then sits in those woods for the rest of the day. A week after she was gone, he looked for her, but the other times, he just sits. He tries to feel her, or at least, some strange current leading where she went. He doesn't mind that his mom and dad are blind to him. If they looked too long, they might see the guilt pushing down on his shoulders so hard he can't stand straight. If he'd just stayed with her, went out to explore with her or told her to just wait for the bus, they could explore later-- there wouldn't be people with thermal cameras looking for someone they expected to be dead. He doesn't believe she's really gone, even though his teachers keep extending his assignments and occasionally giving him a sad look and a nod. He just ignores them and all the casseroles that show up at his house. The whole damn town seems to know everything. The people at Dairy Queen give him a free cone every time he goes in with his friends. His friends' parents say things to their kids in whispers, probably warning them not to invite him to spend the night. They think he's too fragile to be away from home. But every time he's there, he ends up in her bedroom, hiding in the curtains of the canopy bed or staring at the plastic stars on her ceiling or repositioning all her stuffed animals on her bed. He never would've admitted it to her, or his parents, but he knows all their names. Brownie, her moose, looks so sad that he feels compelled to move it into his room. His parents don't notice until a few years later, but even then, they can’t quite see everything he's trying to hold in.

When Mrs. Forrester gets a call in the middle of the night, and doesn't say anything but "Really?" "Okay," "We're on the way," Pause. Tearful exhale. "Thank you," Chris leaps into action.

He's still awake, having finished his homework about half an hour ago, unable to go to sleep. He's imagining what she looks like now. She's twelve. And he knows that call was for her. He's already dressed, shoes tied, retainer discarded on the bathroom counter, Brownie the moose under his arm when his mother peeks into the doorway. She blinks hard, taking him in. "I-- guess you heard the phone call." She opens her mouth like she's about to say something, but closes it. Chris has refused to let them redo her bedroom for the past six years. Every time they start talking about it, he gets up, leaves the room, and goes upstairs to sit on her bed. "Are we going now?" She hesitates for a moment, but nods. When they get to the hospital in Alpine, he gives his parents a look because someone is leading them down a dim hallway, in the basement-- what kind of hospital would put their patients in the basement? He almost gags when they open the door. The room smells awful, like bad meat, or old blood or something. He realizes quickly that the thing on the table isn't a living, breathing girl. It's what they call 'remains' on the news. His mother starts crying, and his father puts an arm around her. "So," The person in scrubs starts explaining through a mask. "We don't have a full dentition, many of them are worn down, possibly by someone hoping to conceal the identity, and of course, Alexandra's teeth weren't all present when she disappeared. But these are quite similar to the permanent teeth she had. It's certainly not a guarantee. There isn't enough evidence to say without a doubt that it's her. But it doesn't match closely with any other missing person reports we've seen so far." Chris can't even believe what he's hearing. "So, it's not her." The person hesitates through their mask. "We can't say with certainty that this is or isn't your sister." He's so angry, he can feel himself turning red. His parents are holding each other and crying, like they're having some kind of mourning revelation. "It's not her!" "Christopher, please," His mother says quietly, her voice trembling. "It's not! How can you give up on her? She's your daughter!" "We aren't giving up, we-- we can't just keep living like this, waiting for her." His throat is getting tighter. "Why not? Telling yourself she’s-- Ally is dead might be easier for you, but how selfish can you get? My sister is not dead!" He can't defend that. She could be decomposing in a ditch or at the bottom of a ravine or sunk to the bottom of the ocean with lead weights on her ankles. The mental image almost makes him sick, or maybe that's just the smell. That's not how Ally smelled, she smelled like green apple shampoo and vanilla detangling spray, because she always complained that someone was pulling her hair if they brushed it for her, and her hands smelled like crayons because she could sit and work on one page of her Lisa Frank coloring book for two hours, and bananas because she liked to peel them and eat half of them and expect Chris to eat the rest. This isn't Ally. He storms out of the room, leaving his parents to cry if they want to. Fuck them and their stupid premature grieving. He's not taking "it's certainly not a guarantee" as an answer. Brownie the moose is not going to see those rotting pieces and think she's gone forever. Brownie the moose is going to stay out of that bullshit, and stay on Chris's side, on Ally's side. She loved that fucking moose, and Chris is not going to let him be put on some kind of gravesite memorial bullshit that doesn't even have a body inside. He's going to wait, and so is Chris, because Ally is coming back.

Leaving home isn't difficult.

Some of his friends admit that they cried a little when their moms started to. But he doesn't even think it's that hard for her. She gets a little teary-eyed, but he figures she'll feel better with him out of the house. Lately, they can't stop arguing. Most people would assume that after losing one child, parents would be connected constantly to their second, too clingy, too affectionate. But Chris can hardly stand to be in a room with either of them, and he’s pretty sure the feeling is mutual. They've actually done it, destroyed Ally's room. The canopy bed is in the attic with most of her stuffed animals. They took back Brownie the moose and pretended it was okay to perch him on a shelf in the new "guest room" as a reminder of the little girl who used to sleep there, the little girl who wanted plastic stars on the ceiling even though her canopy kept her from seeing them. Those are in the attic, too. Chris is chronically pissed off at them, because they have a memorial site at a cemetery as well. It cost a thousand dollars, plus six hundred more to engrave her name on a bench. They made him go with them once, but he refuses every other time they try to get him to visit someone who isn't fucking dead. At one point, his father called him selfish, as if his hope is worse than spending sixteen-hundred dollars on an elaborate way of fulfilling their own imagination. Chris told him that, and his father just shook his head. "What the hell do you think is happening to her if she's not dead? I'm sure at this point, if she isn’t, she wants to be. Maybe you’re the selfish one in this equation." Like he hasn't already thought about what her life could be. She could be in fucking Nepal, living in a brothel. Maybe some woman whose kid died took her and is treating her well, but he doubts that. Nepal seems more likely, but he tries to keep his mind on when he'll see her again, not where they are right now. Although, he wishes she could see Austin. The Army Reserves are the best deal he's ever made. He doesn't actually have to fight, and they're paying his tuition at the University of Texas. His parents and their guest room and memorial are 400 miles away. He has no idea what he's going to do with his life, but he ends up in political science and gender studies and sociology. ( No one else in political science seems to know what they're doing, either. ) He tries to go to a few parties, but he usually doesn't even have a drink. The first time he attends, he sees some guy trying to get a girl to go back to his apartment. She's tiny, obviously a freshman, with a low tolerance for alcohol. The party started an hour ago and she's drunk enough for half her cardigan to be hanging off and trailing the ground. She keeps trying to get his hand off of her wrist, and every time he utters a somewhat-annoyed "come on, babe," she shakes her head and Chris can't watch it anymore. Luckily, he doesn't look like a freshman. He's six foot two and 165 pounds, no baby face left. The other guy looks like he weighs about 130 at most, and could be anywhere from 15 to 24. Chris decides that even if he's toward the higher end of the spectrum, he could, hypothetically, take him. "Leave her alone," he calls across the yard, sitting his practically full solo cup on a table to walk over. "Chill," the guy's hand is wandering, from her wrist to her waist to her ass. Chris! Ally! Where are you? Ally? Ally-- "I'm just getting her home." Drop it. Ally is not coming home, Christopher. "Stop touching her." He's towering over the guy. The girl is halfway-stuffed in the back seat of the car. "I said chill, man, I'm jus--" A hot surge of anger shoots down his arm and he's shoving him, the scrawny guy is on the ground. He reaches into the car to offer the girl a hand, shooting a warning look toward the pavement. "Don't, dude. Don't even try it." After a moment of hesitation, the girl's hand finds his, a little shaky, doubtful. The anger drains, replaced by something softer. She doesn't smell like green apple shampoo and vanilla detangler and crayons and bananas, she smells like booze, but Chris wants to hold her. He hopes that when someone finds his sister someday, they hold her. ( Even if she's dying. Or already dead. ) He can't dwell on that now, the girl is on the verge of collapse and the guy is peeling himself off the pavement. Chris knows he'll just find another girl like her, there have to be about thirty inebriated young women wandering around the party. "Go home, bud," His voice makes the words into a threat. "Now. Don't let me catch you bothering anyone else." The guy looks like he wants to challenge him, but he gets in his car and screeches down the street. He picks up the abandoned half of the sweater, brushes it off, and slides it back up her arm. "What's your name?" He has to ask four times, because she just keeps saying "you saved me," and tripping over uneven places in the grass. Finally, she seems to register the question. Her name is Delaney, and she lives in a natural sciences dorm. Her roommate is also at the party, and not ready to go home, so he ends up parking himself on a couch with Delaney and some water. As he watches people grind and grow increasingly intoxicated, he wants to be annoyed, because he could totally be studying right now, but Delaney rests her head on his shoulder and any irritation seeps back out of his pores. Later that night, when she's starting to sober up, or at least transition into a hangover, she hugs him and thanks him and he just wishes he could have been there when Ally was scared and vulnerable, too, but this feels good, like maybe if he can protect others, the hole Ally left in his heart will hurt less. He figures Delaney must be somewhat popular, maybe because her sister is in a huge sorority and she's basically destined to join as well, because he accumulates some kind of reputation. Every time he shows up at a party, a couple of sober girls find him and ask him to help their friend, and at some point, it feels like a responsibility, but a good one. He likes knowing that he can be trusted to defend people, to protect them, rather than letting something terrible happen and hating himself for it every moment.

He doesn't expect that service to be expanded from vulnerable college students to the entire damn country.

When the army recruiters helped him sign the papers, they said he could potentially be enlisted some day. Like, if there was a fucking crisis, like the Holocaust. Not like, you signed up, so here's a uniform and a backpack, go kill some innocent Iraqi civilians. He's graduated, with no loan debt, and the campus has hired him as a security guard, but the army is not done with him, even if he wants to be done with them. He has to cut his hair short and report to Fort Hood immediately for training. It's a little demoralizing. Especially by his senior year, everyone thought he was pretty formidable. He could physically lift another man off of someone, fight them off, and carry whoever was in distress to his car and get them back home. As a guard, he could tackle someone to the ground, or restrain them, fight them, if it came to it. He can still taste blood in his mouth from the time he had to force three football players away from a sophomore who couldn't find her car, but she got home safely and even wrote a letter to the security office. But when he shows up at boot camp, none of that seems to matter. Someone is always yelling at him to go faster, go lower, go harder-- whatever he does is just not enough. The most frustrating part is when they yell right in his ear. He can set his jaw and yell back, but that doesn’t help the fact that flecks of spit hit him in the face, like liquid freckles, and he has to stand at attention, be respectful. His muscles feel like stretched silly putty and the implications of that yelling makes his heart feel like a cup of Jell-O. What the hell are you gonna do when an IED blows someone's arms off? Just stand there? Say you can't carry them? Let them die? Or be taken? Same damn thing. ( If she’s not dead by now, she wants to be. ) But it somehow makes his dead muscles stretch further, his Jell-O heart keep beating, because he won't let someone else be taken. No more dumb memorials or engraved benches. One of his fellow recruits, Chase, tells him he didn't expect to have to come, either. They secretly write "army reserves: you’ll probably never be enlisted! ... why the fuck you lyin, why you always lyin, mmmmohmygod, stop fuckin lyin" and “fuck the reserves” in the bathroom stalls, then spend an hour giggling at their own stupidity and scrubbing them to avoid being charged with sedition or something stupid. When they do a specific course based on mental and physical fitness, Chase is the one whose limbs are "blown off."  Chris disobeys an order and goes back for him, insisting he can be saved with a tourniquet. He gets lectured for non-compliance, but they seem to admire his willingness to do anything for his team. He doesn't say that it's not just about that. On a break, they sit behind a building and channel all the built-up nervous energy into a kiss, tentative at first, but both of them get better quickly. Chris has had a couple of girlfriends, one who broke it off as soon as she saw the spare bedroom in his apartment, Ally's glowing plastic stars and rainbow hair clips. ( If his parents won't wait for her, he will. ) He's never been with a man before, but his lips are just as soft as a woman's, and his hand is rough against his cheek but it feels good, like it can erase the weeks of dried spit from the yelling sergeants. When he pulls Chris into his lap, a wave of fear washes over him, because holy shit, this is new and his breath is coming out shallow and shaky, and Chase's hands are on his waist and his muscles don't feel so tired, even if his heart is still weak. Now there's saliva on his jaw and his neck and where his clavicle peeks out of the olive green T-shirt, but it's not from his superiors' anger or attempts to push him harder, it's from a blond man with pretty eyes and soft lips and rough hands, and it definitely isn't a bad thing. They wait until everyone else is asleep a couple of weeks later to lock the bathroom doors and turn on the showers and Chris is scared, but in a good way, and his muscles feel like a feather pillow and his heart is thumping fast in his chest and feels like a shaken can of soda. Chase is gentle, maybe just as nervous as Chris is, but he makes his whole body feel like it's full of warm waves of light and hot water and steam are between them but nothing else is and the freckles he used to think were ugly, the freckles he used to wish would disappear if he stared hard enough at a star, are beautiful because Chase's thumb is tracing them and he feels so good that nothing about this can be less than beautiful. Then boot camp is over and they are separated and Chris tries to pretend that his heart doesn't have a brand new hole stabbed into it. 

Iraq is worse than boot camp. 

Chase isn't stationed with him and a lot of the men are like the ones he used to have to fight off during parties, brimming with toxic masculinity and internalized misogyny. The weeks become blurred with red and tan, blood and sand, explosions that shake the bunker during the night and constant shells, unloading guns, sweat that feels like mud, hate. Some of men around him see the people outside like bugs. "The only good Iraqi's a dead one," one of them says at night, and all his friends laugh. Chris decides it wouldn't be too hard to obey orders and leave him behind. The blood splashes up from the sand into his eyes when a roadside bomb really does go off. ( Turns out all those hypothetical training situations were simulated for a reason. ) His freckles are hidden under hot red liquid. The flecks of spit from the sergeant turn heavy and thick. His ears are ringing so loudly he can only hear rough static noises where voices should be. He's not even in the truck anymore, either forced out by the blast or pulled by someone he can't see yet. He reaches up to wipe his eyes, and the rest of the world is just as red. There's an arm beside him in the sand and for a moment he's afraid it's his. He can't even move for a moment, just stares at the sky, the only thing not poisoned by the redness. His chest heaves and his heart is pounding hard, blood leaking through the Ally and Chase holes into the rest of his body. When he tries to sit up, his muscles feel like they've all snapped. He rolls onto his side, coughing because his mouth is full of blood and he doesn't know if it's his. A pair of arms pull him up and a face appears in front of his eyes. "Forrester. You good?" Her eyes are sparkling green like a meadow, her nose is slightly upturned, her lips are light pink, her dark hair is wet with blood and out of its tight bun, long. She's young. Ally. He collapses into her and she catches him, but as soon as tears start to prick his eyes because she smells like apple and vanilla and crayons and banana and that means Ally is dead and she's here to take him-- the whole world turns from red to black. He wakes up in the infirmary with a concussion and three bruised ribs. The woman is there, with her hair washed and in a ponytail, bloody uniform replaced with a clean T-shirt and sweatpants. He sees now that her face is the wrong shape, and when she comes closer to tell him who they lost, she smells like mango and ocean. She's not Ally. ( For the first time, her absence is a relief. ) Her real name is Lauren, and she says she's glad he's okay, because he's one of the few people in their division she can stand. Even though they’re both lonely, they don't ever hide behind a building and kiss, or fuck in the showers because every time she looks up, his heart gets stuck in his throat because when her hair falls the right way, she's Ally, one of those predicted sketches. When he tells her about what happened, she doesn't think it's weird that he keeps the hair clips in his spare room. She's the first person to tell him to trust his instincts. "If you think she's alive, don't doubt yourself. Someday, when you find her--" When. That word sounds good there. "She'll love you a lot for believing in her." The next bomb hits when Chris walks into the barracks and a woman is crying, loudly, the kind that makes his bones want to shatter like thin glass, the kind that has the power to grab him and yank him into the room with the short table and six men and a young woman-- she is on the table and the men who no longer see brown people as humans are around it and one is on her. He remembers the girls at the parties on couches, empty cups and bottles, and he's yanking the man off, even though, for once, he's the small one. The other is four inches taller than him and maybe 70 pounds heavier. "C'mon, man, what the hell?" "Don't," Chris's voice is shaking, he's so angry. Black spots threaten his vision and his ears ring again. "Don't fucking-- go there. You assholes are the ones in here raping someone. Back the fuck off." He doesn't move, so Chris gets closer. "Now." He moves to bat him out of the way, but Chris is faster, and he smacks his arm down, hard enough to make him flinch. His wrist was sprained when the IED went off, and it's still not quite right. "I said move." When he retreats, reluctantly, not without a few choice words and empty threats, the rest of them do, too. The woman's hijab is on the floor, crumpled. He bends down to pick it up for her, and she seems to unfurl slightly, like even though she couldn’t understand what he was saying to them, that proves they can be allies. He recruits Lauren to help him, to type up a letter in broken Arabic to give to her family as an apology, but they decide not to say it on behalf of the U.S. military. She is one woman out of thousands. The military is not sorry. But Christopher and Lauren are, and that seems to mean something to the woman they steal borrow a Jeep for to return to her home. The final hit is from gunfire. Bullets are whizzing past them and three of them are down and Chris doesn't even want to fire back because he's seen civilians caught in crossfire and all of it feels bad and wrong, especially after seeing the terror in that family's eyes when he and Lauren took their daughter back. Then there's an explosion, one that Chris stays conscious for. He's thrown back about fifty feet, but from his place in the sand, he can see body parts rain down from the sky, a stray boot, a helmet. He squeezes his eyes shut because it was easier when they were full of blood and he couldn't see what was happening. But Lauren doesn't come to pull him off the ground this time and he knows something is wrong, just like he knows Ally is still not dead. ( Through the months of heat and sand and salutes, he can feel her, she is still fighting, too. ) He pushes himself to his feet, a little dizzy, and it's all red and black and the heat is making the air waver and he has to hit the ground again almost immediately because more bullets whiz through the air and he hears her yelling. "Forrester!" Chris! "Stay back!" They have her, her helmet is off and her hair is hanging in a ponytail and there's blood on her uniform and she's yelling as they drag her. An officer is yelling now, too, because he's back in motion. "Forrester! Retreat!" Bullets are hurtling past him and he doesn't stop. He finally allows himself to return fire, because he's close enough to see their faces now and they have her and he won't lose her again. Whoever is left of his squad backs him, and a few of the men fall, and Lauren is able to break away, even though her wounds are pouring red into the sand and she can't stand up and she sinks into the deep red mud and Chris grabs her waist, slings her over his shoulder, and wishes he was at a party in Austin right now and she was a freshman who he’d gotten to before it was too late. When she's in the helicopter, they start trying to pull him up, too, and he's confused until he realizes his blood is in the sand as well. An officer comes into the infirmary a few days later. Lauren is sent home with a Purple Heart, paralyzed from the waist down. Chris thinks they're going to tell him to go home, too, and they do. A cold fist squeezes his heart when the officer delivers the news without making eye contact. Other than honorable discharge. Disobeying orders, endangerment, homosexual conduct. He's wondering how anyone knew about that last part when he looks up and one of the rapists from his squad, someone he hardly glanced at in Fort Hood, is smirking. He's furious that he's being punished while the scum of the earth will likely receive an honorable release at some point, but otherwise, the only thing he feels, besides the tightness in his abdomen from the surgery, is relief.

The holes in his heart start to ache harder, leak faster when his phone rings and it's his mother.

"Chris," her voice is strained, threatening to break. "Get to Alpine. The hospital." He can't tell if it's because Ally is alive and she's finally back after twelve damn years or because they found her for real this time, she's actually dead. His stomach is twisting too hard for him to find that confidence again. After he says goodbye, and that he's on the way, but before he hangs up, he hears his mom's lungs contract with a sob. He's so fucked up, so frantic that he hardly brushes his hair, takes ten minutes to find a pair of shoes. Handfuls of clothes are shoved into his old backpack, camouflage, FORRESTER embroidered on the patch. He has to stop himself at one point, smoke a cigarette. He hasn't done it since sophomore year, but it makes him slow down enough to collect himself. Still, his heart is bleeding out into his stomach, which is in knots. He finally crushes what's left into an ashtray and shrugs his bag onto his shoulder. As he's about to leave, he stops and grabs Ally's rainbow hair clips from the nightstand in the spare bedroom. He drives 90 the whole way to Alpine. When he pulls into town, he has to slow down, but it makes his foot shake, his thigh tense up against the seat. He hasn’t been back here. It’s a ghost town to him, nothing is left, even though more stores have opened, apparently, artists love it, but Ally is not in the Dairy Queen, complaining about the flies, or asking to go to the museum at the university after school for the hundredth time. It’s harder to keep his speed under sixty when his brain whispers that he could take her to that museum today, because she could be in the hospital now. When he pulls into the hospital parking lot, there are no news crews, fuck, he was hoping for some kind of hint before he walked in. He doesn’t want to expect her to be there, like last time, and end up in the basement again. But his parents aren’t in the lobby, and when he asks the woman at the desk where they might be, when he tells her his last name, she points across the hall to a room with a sliding glass door and his heart almost leaps out of his chest and it’s pumping blood so fast he’s afraid he’ll pass out right there and it feels like it takes a year, or twelve, just to walk to that door and he jerks it open and a face he’s never seen before is right there and her cheekbones are sharp and the gown is loose on her, she’s skinny, with light pink cheeks and eyes that are a little green, a little brown, long dark hair, all her teeth, none of them are missing or worn down and she’s a woman, nineteen, older than some of the freshmen, and she’s in his arms before he’s even aware that he’s by her bed. His heart fills back up, the hole starts to close. She doesn’t smell like apple and vanilla and crayons and banana anymore. She smells like coconut and sweat, the kind that comes from sunlight, and that doesn’t matter because she’s still Ally. Some little childish part of him wants to look at their mom and dad and say, see, I told you! but he just holds her tighter, tries to ignore how small her body feels. “I knew it.” The words are only for her, not their parents. When he pulls back to look at her again, he sees her hair in her face and pulls out the hair clips, not because he thinks she’s actually going to wear them, but because they’re finally back where they belong and Brownie the moose is in her bed, too, from their parents. Tears start rolling down her face, her shoulders shake, shit, he didn’t expect that. She’s just staring at the clips, face twisting like someone she loves just died in front of her, and she has to inhale it, swallow it, and she starts nodding, holding her fist to her chest. When she can talk, she says “it’s Andie now,” and it takes him a moment to understand that she’s not Ally anymore, not totally, the little girl is gone, but Chris just finds her hand, holds it, and she keeps nodding. “With an -ie, not a -y.” She’s been Ally, the same Ally with the rainbow clips and Brownie the moose for nineteen years, and now she’s a woman named Andie with thick, raised scars that completely circle her wrists and a smaller mark on her forehead and eyes that have seen only one house but know so much more than that. But they’ve still only seen one house, and she’s still Ally, partially, even if she’s Andie now. “Wanna go down to the cafeteria?” He’s not expecting her eyes to light up so brightly, her entire face, but she looks like he just handed her two tickets to Paris. “Yeah!” She’s leaping out of the bed immediately, grabbing her pants and T-shirt from the plastic hospital bag, practically dragging him out of the room. She looks out every window on the way to the cafeteria, swinging his arm back and forth, and his heart feels like it’s wrapped in a warm hug and she can’t stop smiling when she sits down with a mini container of mint chocolate chip Blue Bell and starts listing everywhere she wants to go. His own face hurts because her happiness is contagious and he can’t not smile because Ally Andie is back and his heart is remembering how it feels to have a sister, one who is not in the basement, who does not belong on a memorial and a bench, who is here and laughing and free. The guilt finally shifts and his chest and shoulders are free, too.