#like theyve got issues sure but not WITH or BECAUSE of each other. theyve never been a dramatic pairing!! from the beginning we've just

[ghostbustermelanieking]

i'm really of two minds when it comes to ofmd 2x04... on the one hand, i absolutely love it. my favorite episode of season 2, maybe even of the show. every beat is perfect, every character is perfect, there's no plotline i'm ever bored with. and as a conclusion to the breakup plotline beginning in 1x09, it's perfect.

.... almost.

i really am so conflicted! i love the episode so much. i remember watching for the first time and thinking oh, they're gonna be fine at the "buttons turned into a seagull!" line. i love how quickly everything becomes okay between ed and stede, because they just are with each other... but at the same time, i remember being a little disappointed that this was all that came of the breakup storyline.

you might argue that the first three episodes of season 2 add quite a lot to that storyline, and you wouldn't be wrong at all, but the way i see it, those first three episodes are more about the consequences of 1x10, and izzy threatening ed until he took up the blackbeard mantle again. stede leaving absolutely plays a role, but i feel like if izzy hadn't threatened ed, the fallout of the breakup would be VERY different. i was so on edge for 2x04 bc i was here for the REUNION. i wanted to know what they'd say, how stede would explain himself... i remember being rly sad when the opening scene cut after the headbutt (which makes complete sense after thinking on it, but at the time i was bummed), and then again in the parlor scene when stede never explains WHY he left that night. i love how easily things get back to normal, but i also love the drama!!! ed snippily pretending he's fine while peppering in little comments; anne meddling, and stede being way more concerned about it than ed is; anne telling ed that stede left him for mary; the PARLOR SCENE. having that back and forth feels cathartic in my mind. and i may just feel with this way bc i sat with that horrible/amazing cliffhanger for over a year, building up the inevitable reunion in my head. i think i was just expecting more. i could've watched like three straight episodes of their Ex Era.

and this isn't necessarily a criticism of the writers!! i DO love 2x04. and i think there's a lot of reasons the messy parts didn't get drawn out. budget cuts, two less episodes than last year. my biggest complaint was stede not mentioning the chauncey thing, but a part of me also kind of likes it -- bc season 2 was ed's season, and i'm guessing part of the reason stede never said is because he didn't want to put the burden of his trauma on ed when ed was already going through so much. honestly, part of my frustration with this plotline might just come with building up that cliffhanger in my mind for a year, reading all these fics and imagining it in all these different ways... and it's not as if the breakup trauma isn't littered throughout the season. it's absolutely part of the reason ed leaves in 2x07. and part of me really feels like we might come back to all this stuff that's been left unspoken between them, PARTICULARLY stede being abducted -- this show feels too deliberate to never tell ed that's what happened.

i hope we'll get more of this addressed in season 3! and if we don't, i guess a part of me will always be a little bummed that we never got back to it. but no matter what happens... i still do love what we got. love it to the point that criticizing it feels kinda insane! i guess that's a testament to the quality of ofmd: even the frustrating parts aren't all that frustrating.

[bugsinshoes]

ok so i just watched @fordtato and @hkthatgffan 's respective videos about their interview with THE alex hirsch and i wanna just say OH MY GOD like SERIOUSLY

im gonna put my thoughts under the cut so theres no spoilers if you havent seen it already (BUT GO WATCH THEM NOW PLEASE !!!) + its gonna be LONG so BEAR WITH ME

ok, so i have MANY thoughts so sorry if none of this is coherent 😭 (this is not in chronological order of when the questions were asked, just me spewing out my totally normal thoughts about this interview so apologies for that)

starting off:

THE BABY IS SHERMIE?!?!?!? IM SO SO GLAD WE FINALLY HAVE CONFIRMATION WE CAN FINALLY LEAVE THIS TO REST !! I WAS RIGHT THOUGH SO HA !!! ACTUALLY SCREAMING !! TIMELINE BE DAMNED (also another thanks to hana, your timeline video is genuinely awesome. i never shut up about it. ever. any time i talk to my friends abt gf and i need to refer to the timeline i go: "IN HANA'S VIDEO-") anyways, i do understand it was a last minute decision on the writer's part of "oh. dipper and mabel need a grandfather, its not ford, and its sure as FUCK not gonna be stan sooo... third brother?" and i do understand alex being like, "oh, this is about ford and stan only having eachother" so i think making shermie younger was a GOOD THING? like, stan and ford had 18 years of just them so shermie wasnt in the picture, so stan and ford technically grew up on their own so ig it works? also, when stan got kicked out, he never got to see shermie grow up, probably only saw him at events when he had to pretend to be ford (post-1983) and as for ford himself, he was too busy in college and gravity falls to really visit the family so... it works! (despite everything)

that aside, lets talk about THE CRUMBS??? like i have some quotes here because i have a LOT to say:

"theyre both so damaged and they desperately need each other" - alex hirsch (talking about stan and ford)

LIKE SUIUHUSHUSH i HATE these brothers SO MUCH (LIES) i cant actually properly express my thoughts because WOW like its clear that they both have their own trauma and they NEED to address it but theyre both too STUBBORN to do so. theyve both been alone for 40ish years so of course they need each other. they grew up by the hip, so theres no surprise that they both need each other (whether they like it or not)

"[ford's] grateful for the forgiveness he thinks he doesnt deserve" -alex hirsch

ford thinks so lowly of himself at times it HURTS. like the lines in the journal about "only then would the freak return a hero" or about his guilt with bill and everything its just so important to his character im so glad we got so much ford content in this interview. like i am EATING ALL THIS UP RN

"[ford] has to always have a mission in front of him, because if he doesnt have a mission in front of him, hes thinking how have i treated people in my life?" - alex hirsch

ford distracting himself with things instead of facing his problems. probably something he had to do a lot, especially with his time in the multiverse. but it really hurts because i can imagine in the 60s, they never had any great coping mechanisms? so i can assume ford was just conditioned to distract himself from stuff so he never learned how to deal with things. and i KNOW in the journal hes like "i meditate!" and im sure that does help somewhat, but it doesnt address the issue itself soooo... sorry ford, but you cant just breathe your way out of everything

ALSO alex calling ford and fiddlefords falling out a "BREAKUP" (air quotes used) BUT A BREAKUP??? this is just adding fuel to my fiddauthor-infested brain rn. i CANT

and alex saying mcgucket is thinking like, "oh i gotta be a better partner" is HEART SHATTERING like the whole talk about fiddleford being "the building guy" who is kind of just there to make machines and please ford. its honestly so heartbreaking because fiddleford loves ford so much he'd leave his wife and child to go to absolute nowhere, oregon and the fact ford is too arrogant to see fiddlefords admiration and overall love for him its just IUIUAHHAS

and i do wanna say, i KNOW bill played a big part in this, by stroking fords ego and buttering him up with his kind words because he knew exactly what ford wanted to hear and that really affected how ford and fidds' relationship was like but THATS A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER TIME. all i know is that ford isnt entirely to blame, but he still is a massive arrogant asshole and he wasnt the best person to fidds at times (love him tho <3)

but im actually so happy because this interview sheds SO much light onto FORD bcs we BARELY got to know him, and hearing it from MR HIRSCH HIMSELF is just so good because we KNOW its a reliable source because its coming from ALEX YK??? like he wrote ford so he probably knows "oh yeah, that man is guilt-ridden as FUCK" and im so glad we get some crumbs of this guy i cant get enough of him !!! (impatiently waiting for the book of bill)

ANNNDD THE TALK ABOUT MAYBE GETTING A SEA GRUNKS SPINOFF/MINISERIES??? I WOULD EXPLODE GENUINELY ANYTHING WITH MY FAVOURITE OLD MEN PLEASE !! i would genuinely love to see more of their dynamic and how everything is after weirdmaggeddon and like dealing with trauma and UGHHH i would kill for stan/ford content PLEASE

also...

hippie ford.

hippie. ford.

i am never getting over this (im internally SCREECHING)

ANYWAYS THAT WAS MY RANT ABT MY FAV THINGS FROM THE INTERVIEW THAT WAS A LOT GODDAMN

im genuinely so happy with all the questions that got answered, as well as getting some deeper insight into characters and stuff. IM NEVER GETTING OVER THE AMOUNT OF FIDDAUTHOR CRUMBS YOU GUYS

im gonna end this by saying another MASSIVE thank you to hana and hk !! you both put so much effort into your respective videos and it was super super cool !! this was totally worth the wait !!! :D

[colrana]

i miss parker do you also miss parker (this is a request to hear more about your megan + parker interps)

omg...thank you for handing me the mic im so touched

the answer is yes! i do miss parker macmillan. i also miss megan ito! i miss them both so much. (also i feel deranged how it is confirmed that the book was the reader but im keeping my megan ito as reader thoughts forever!!!!)

i mainly focus on their relationship / megan ito more than just solely parker, but thats just how i go i suppose! parker to me kinda works in my brain how i believe that megan ito would exactly see him, and its kinda fitting in that way? (i do feel bad for that though) (im also paging @citadarkisle because hes my fiance and my parker interp is *heavily* based off his! he got more indepth thoughts on parker than i could ever muster)

so the way megan would describe parker would be this: a broken player who is a rival both and a friend, and full of *potential* melded up in one ball! with one issue: the parent issues. at least, thats how megan ito summarizes him and his issues. she kinda molds him into her narrative and makes him ripe for the saving and for the salvation that she truly believes she can bring to him.

parker in the meanwhile is kinda...passive to this? she isnt particularly harmful to him, and just having his boundaries be, as he would maybe describe, *gently* walked and trampled all over isnt really as bad compared to the literal hell his life is with being pulled at ten million directions and somehow being hated and revered at the same time... so like megan? yeah shes kinda like...maybe agreeable to that.

they have a roommates situation at megans place which is kinda pathetic-sad. awkward, quiet nights sleeping in the same bed because their relationship is like........ .............. incalculable. there is admiration there, but wrong? its to the left. there are arguments and boundaries crossed, but never to the point where they ever break off their friendship. and even saying *friendship* is odd. they were friends, yes! but then they got into a weird grey area........

i dont think theyve ever held hands or kissed or brushed arms or anything like that, actually. i dont think theyve had the silent-love filled room moments where they lock eyes and are smitten or like, believe that each other held love for each other. i think they knew they were in some *position* but not sure what it was. i mean they sure as hell were something more than basic friends. i think parker had normal friends somewhere in his teams! and megan too! but oh my god i think they were just in an interlocked battle that parker want *nothing* with but megan just had the fixation to keep holding him on.

i believe that megan is at heart a kind person and didnt mastermind the stolen forcefield out of ill will. i saw that action as a last resort for her. that she was willing to put their friendship on the line to make *visible* change in parkers life. she had an infatuation with fixing his issues, to finally pull him out of his shell, and to be *right* most of all. its kinda why i draw megans gaze towards the symbolic *orb* whenever i draw them together. i just love the symbolism of her being so fixated on something that doesnt exist, or doesnt need to exist, or that she never really properly took his words or history or anything truly to heart because she *felt* for his *situation* more than *him*.

you ever feel compelled to solve something for someone else? a problem that is so deep and beyond your means but feels so *tangible*? that youd do anything and would throw yourself into it to finally have it accomplished? to solve it *for* them, because you think you can see it from the outside and that gives you the authority and allows you to rob them their agency? these are the sort of questions that i play around with the parker + megan relationship as a whole....

i hope this wasnt too long!!! id love to elaborate more on specific details if anyones curious, but yeah! thank you ; - ;

[nyxi-pixie]

double byler are so funny (this is actually not funny at all they make me sad) bc both pairs have relationships in which theyre very dependent on each other for emotional comfort so when theyre apart their relationships suffer pretty badly

both jancy and byler have been shown to have a bond based at least partially on shared trauma. w jancy murray even goes as far as to say its like the main reason they shld get together which. hmm. but yk more to my point. and byler constantly have heart to hearts because theyre each others emotional rock and this probably goes back further than UD shit bc wills been TraumaMan for his whole life (and feels mike is the only one who he can be emotionally vulnerable with without being babied or treated like hes weak-s2 kinda suggests mikes been there for him in Will Byers Trauma Times TM before). thanks lonnie😒😒

its v obvious w mike and jonathan actually bc neither of them seem to talk to anyone else about their issues. like will leaves and mike immediately devolves into isolating himself and straight up depression because clearly theres some family issues which prevent him from opening up abt his feelings (he hugs karen like 3 times in the whole show but he Never talks to her abt shit. despite her attempts to get him to open up that one time w her queer coded as fuck lil speech. anyway repressed lil emo mike only ever opens up with will. so no will=no talking abt emotions=unhealthy michael.)

and jonathan turns to weed (and argyle omg theyre bfs so true) because he wont turn to his family for support bc hes unhealthily selfless and doesnt want to burden them with his issues (likely due to the parentification. oh boy someone help him) but he and nancy understand each other bc theyve been through the same shit (which also means they dont feel like they burden each other bc like. u cant burden someone if theyre already sharing the weight yk?) but seperation=losing that support so their relationship, which relies so heavily on that mutual understanding, suffers.

nancy and will are doing a little better individually. because guess what: they have HOBBIES.(jon also does but he seems to have abandoned it. rip his i wanna take a pic era. and mike has d&d but in the between time between oh no wills gone and oh yay eddie my beloved, hes doing shit. and even w d&d his grades are still affected by his mental place and his rooms super messy so like. doing better but still not great.)

we see that wills super into art (which is known to be therapeutic so double woo points) again after doing it less in s3. and he seems to be specifically using it to deal w his sad gay feelings (channelling shit like the introspective king he is 🤩). also hes got people other than mike to offer emotional support. even with jonathan not available, he can still talk to joyce (st character with positive relationship w a parent❗holy shit how rare❗❗). also its will. if hes in his feels hes just gonna vibe with it. 'oh misery my best friend lets hang out for a bit 😍😍' (prolly bc jonathan put his whole jonussy into making sure will was okay w having emotions. as a part of his mission to spite lonnie. SLAY KING) compared to the wheelers who are like 'um what the fuck is an emotion ive never felt one i swear. wdym u saw me crying yesterday🤨?? no u literally didnt that was my evil twin😒.'

anyway that brings me to nancy. who. yk shes doing Okay. the second anyone brings up jon shes about to commit crimes against them so yk not totally good but coping. bc she kinda just full body throws herself at that school newspaper stuff so she has a distraction and its working okay. until her new friend-w-glasses-destined-to-die- horrifically, dies horrifically.

but then she has emotional support through surrounding herself w people who Get It. (woooo robins around and nancy feels comfortable for once!!!!) i mean shes also almost reverting to steve bc nancys trauma response is just 'i can only ever be emotionally vulnerable with romantic partners bc i havent had a friend since s1 and my family dont know shit abt the monster dimension (plus ted is actually just a cardboard cutout with a robotic voice box that blurts out 1 of 10 phrases on a timer). apart from mike. but idk hes busy crying over his bf and we can never open up to each other in a genuine way bc repression is the Wheeler Way To Slay' but yk shes at least partially coping.

but their relationships basically get totally fucked bc oh no if we cant have heart to hearts in physical proximity we are going to Die. also communication without magical telepathy through eye contact??? whos she??? (esp w byler. u cant have effective coded conversations over the phone. and theyve got all their other reasons for not talking: will doesnt wanna reach out first and have mike brush him off bc oh dear the 3x03 fight really fucked with him didnt it. and mikes desperately trying to call but for fuck sake how is their phone always busy. and he wont use letters bc idk hes too gay for that he keeps signing them w 'love mike. ps im in love w u in case u didnt get that😍😍😍')

and jancy. oof. jons like 'i have to appease literally everyone in my life apart from myself and i cant do that bc yay nancy means boo family and yay family means boo nancy so now i think i will have a crisis bc if im honest with her she will Hate me. yes i am so rational' and nancys like 'wtf is going on does he hate me or smthn. i am also totally rational' and they wont talk abt it bc theyre scared of pissing each other off. (and have no example of healthy relationships to follow)

basically. double byler are codependent in a way that isnt Necessarily unhealthy - in fact when around each other, they seem to do better Because of that reliance on each other. it allows them to be emotionally vulnerable in a way that they cant be w anyone else (even will who has like the most supportive family ever <3 still feels most comfortable being open w mike as evidenced by his talk w jon in s2).

BUT. seperation fucks over their relationships and their individual mental health. and thats where the unhealthy aspect comes in. bc over reliance on one person is gonna Fuck Shit Up. (it wouldnt be so bad if they still communicated regularly thru letters and phone calls but yk self hatred is a bitch and theyre all very insecure.)

[19871997]

also in 12 when tess becomes like part of the heist for stromer... if we took it in a direction of like this is working for mcstrome this time, like really truly working, leon can be Behaving abnormally about it and then connor can do the same thing in reverse when mattdrai starts to really properly work, and they (mcdrai) can be very hypocritical and weird to each other about it with the funny add on of you are both being gay on the daily so what is the issue with you two banging it out. you're not even closeted

gdhfjgklglgja connor being. extremely abnormal about leon and matthew to the point where bedard is like. hey man. is everythibg alright between you two you looked like you were about to bite his head off when he talked about proposing? and connors all. no. im fine. i dont even care (he cares a lot. actually. doesnt really know why) and nuge pulls him aside and is all. hey buddy, do you want to put a name to these special feelings youre having about leon? connor: my special feeling is that hes always talking about matthew. matthew this matthew that 🙄 nuge: so.. would you say youre jealous of matthew…? connor: NO. whatever. he’s distracting leon from the job. this is why relationships are bad for leon :( and alternatively, leon, at anyone who will listen when things are working between dylan and connor: he already broke his heart once! why is he trying with him again he’s only going to get hurt when he realises dylan cant give him what he wants and needs. i could take better care of him. nuge: so.. you’d want to be with him? leon: when did i say that.

also like. this connor and leon have the messiest personal relationship ever like yes they have all this trust and faith and boundless respect and together the lourve should start thinking about improving it’s security and yes they love each other (as friends) and yes theyve had sex (somewhat often) (also as friends) and yeah. sure whatever every time connor was with dylan leon felt like his insides were made of sand and every time leon was with matthew connor felt the desperate need to explode something but thats probably normal (it’s really not, man, you might wanna get that checked out, mitch tells leon one day. you’re insides are what? you have got to become more normal, auston tells connor) BUT theyve never really put to words or sat down to have a think about like. why it makes connor want to throw up at the concept of leon marrying matthew/not being by his side forever or why leon couldn’t bring himself to be sad about connor’s divorce (or, really, why connor went into his marriage knowing that leon will still be there, no matter what happens with dylan, ans why leon stood next to connor as his best man finding comfort in the fact that they were not going to last because noone gets connor the way leon does and he knows this to be true because connor fucking told him at his fucking bachelor party) and like half the reason they havent talked about it is because if they go sideways then their whole livelihood goes sideways especially at this point where all their friends/accomplices are melded together and they dont want to add that into the mix and the other half is that theyve come this far being selfish and putting themselves first that now there’s someone else they care about just as much as themselves they dont really know what to do about it all. (also like connor had thought that the most he could care about someone else was dylan. leon thought the most he could care about someone else was matthew. dylan and matthew always knew they came second to leon and connor)

ALSO funny concept of like every any time connor and leon are at risk of having a fight they just have fuck about it -> make a decision post orgasm (has led to interesting results but at least the come about the result quickly ..!) so when they’re honestly really trying with dylan and matthew. well. they have to actually talk out their problems. which theyre not going to do. obviously. which well. less to issues and problems

[strwberri-milk]

What are some inspirations for your writing? And what resources would you suggest for new writers? (Ex: YouTubers, blogs, books, etc.)

P.S. I’m not exactly sure if you answer questions such like these, but if you do not, then you do not need to answer this or can clarify that because I haven’t seen you post stuff like this or post any rules on not asking questions(?).

And btw, I love your writing and I hope you have a good dayyy! 💖

i love when people ask me about me bc it makes me so happy to exist in peoples mind i just want to be Thought about i love answering questions about myself/my interests!! when i ws fourteen i wrote a whole fuckjing masterlist on how to write but its no longer releveant LMAOOo also i yap so much so this is all under a cut LMAOO

tldr: i totally suggest 1) listen to music you dont mind zoning out to 2) read a variety of books to develop style/voice 3) write things you want!! if youre intrigued/intersted by smth it makes it a lot better!!

also pls for the love of god use paragraph breaks istg i refuse to read anything that is One paragraph long. a smaller ick of mine is the refusal to pargraph break after dialouge bc idk it just makes me :( but its not that bad overall lolol

tbh the only thing i recc for new writers is reading!! im a strong believer that if youre a strong reader you can become a strong writer!! i wanna get back into traditionally published books/classics but the issue w doing an engl [literature] degree is i was reading ballparck 15-20 books/semester and it just got so exhausting that i struggle to get back into traditional publishing but im trying to get into it!!

if youre like jsut getting into reading i think starting at middle grade books is good bc theyve got a good variety and easy readability so theyre like. not as daunting. and also!! variety is so great!! i have REALLY strong opinions about some currently published authors but also ive never been really someone who's super into reading books bc its by a specific author bc i think you can accidentally end up trapped too bc authors have their quirks and its like. you might end up only writing in that fashion bc thats all youre reading so variety is good to diversify and find what you enjoy about writing!!

me personally i really like flowery words and descrptions!! i wanna evoke emotions and trigger associations through sentenes that are *just* long enough and evoke longing!! or horror!! i tend to gravitate towards fantasty/romance/psycohological horror/mystery so those are the books ive been reading in the last ten years but before that i stanned warrior cats and historical fiction so hard. more recently though i read exclusively xreaders sorry guys i need my escapisim but!! i definitely think bridgerton Changed something in me so i think i pulled some of my writing voice from there too!!

also!! music is a big part of my writing process - when i really wanna focus on put on more lowkey music - oohyo is a big reference for the general vibe when im listening to music to write. rn im going to be listening to a lot of hit me hard and soft bc that album (billie eilish) is a sound that i like (kinda haunting, bouncy idk). lana del rey, k r&b or rock/power ballads as well if im feeling it (rn im going back to utsup/maretu/other vocarock prods) - music just helps me hone in when im trying to write thousands of words on top of each other lolol

[lilacponds]

HE HE HO HO ZAREYL LORE

ok lets see where to start!! zareyl is drow who grew up in the underdark with a really abusive mother 😀 she raised all her childern to extremely strict standards with harsh punishments whenever they werent up to her standards (which was often). he was never allowed to leave the house so the only socialization he had were his tutors (which kept themselves distanced from the children), his older sister, and occasionally his dad (who was not allowed to dote on the children, but would sneak time with them against the mother's wishes). his dad actually teaches him how to play the pan flute and gives him his own flute as a gift <3

mom finds out about these stolen moments, and she is Not Happy!!! and to teach the kids a lesson - theyre around... i dont remember the exact ages, around 70 years old for Zareyl and 80 for his sister Inwyss? which in elf years is something closer to, idk, 15 human years roughly, to guesstimate. and she decides to just! murder her husband in front of the two of them.

thats the straw that broke the camels back for Inwyss - so she ran away. but Zareyl stayed, because they had two younger brothers - one of which was a literal newborn - and he was afraid of what would happen to them if he did. at least if he stayed he could make his mom focus her punishments on him instead.

so his life miserably goes on, making sure to be there for his brothers and show them the love and care their mom wouldnt. he doesnt speak a lot about their dad because hes scarred and it hurts, but he refuses to tell them it was their mom that killed him. and at one point, when he sees her focus start going towards his brothers as well, he decides enough is enough - he sneaks out of the house, bumbles his way to find some poison, and tries to kill her. spoiler alert, he is wildly ignorant about poisons, and barely had any money to himself anyways, so he just makes her seriously ill. terrified that she was going to kill him in front of his brothers like she did his father, he decides the best course of action for them is to do what his sister did and leave. he tells them he loves them and will be back one day, apologizes over and over, and leaves them the pan flute his dad left him, as a trinket and a promise.

so he runs away! and he goes to the surface, learns a lot about nature and some about people. eventually he gets recruited in this adventurer's guild, which was actually pretty defunct and him and the new people he meets are tasked, if they will, with bringing it back to old glory. hes like, fuck it, its something to do, itll help me actually have someplace to stay, and id like to help other people. (spoiler alert: we've been doing pretty damn good for ourselves!)

his group (the guild is divided in two groups usually, though the members of the group swap around from time to time - but theyve been with the same group for a few months at the start) has this particularly handsome tiefling, who isnt afraid to show his distaste for zareyl for the simple act of being a drow. and you know what, zareyl doesnt mind that! he finds his honesty disarming, in a good way. he has trust issues, and heres a guy that isnt afraid to let him know he doesnt like him, and whats more honest than that? eventually they get to know each other better and they become friends, and at this point in time zareyl has fallen HAAARD for him. there was a point in a mission where zareyl kind of fell unconscious, bitch almost drowned, and Quies (the tiefling) did CPR on him - except that Zareyl wasn't unconscious, just paralyzed, and so he thinks back to that fucking kiss every week of his life. they also slept together in the same bed once and Zareyl barely got a wink of rest.

they have also adopted a false god baby together. 🤭 everyone was like "its a FALSE GOD, the last one was burning people to a crisp, you should kill it before it grows up to be evil" and we were like "um actually, fuck you, this is a literal baby and we don't believe in the concept of 'youre destined to be this and it cannot be changed', touch this baby and youre dead". so his name is Sedd and hes being taken care of by someone they trust as we keep on adventuring and they dote on him when they are back at the guild

ANYWAYS his current mission? going back to his hometown, to get his brothers. he feels so much guilt over leaving them, and hes terrified of what has happened to them in the meantime - but with a good guild with a solid set of people he trusts as staff (and a few kobolds), he finally has a home for them to go to where they can be safe and grow up properly. so that's where he's headed, and he's terrified, but his friends are there with him to support him. (im lowkey hoping we get to fight and kill his mom, but that might be too traumatizing for the brothers, so we'll see)

[mejomonster]

So far about halfway through ff7 rebirth. My biggest thoughts so far are:

While i get that FF7 Remake was trying to do something unique. And because of its choices it make Remake and Rebirth SEQUELS to the original ff7. The actual design of the game I really dislike, specifically how many hours long tine wasting dungeon areas there are. The plot changes? Fine. I know everyone just wanted a remaster, me included cause I just wanted pretty normal ps1 ff8 or ff9 or better proportion models with voices so Id hear cloud say mosey and ride a dolphin. I think making these new ones sequels does give them the freedom to say "well since its not the original plot, but a sequel, if you dont like changes then your original ff7 is still the original plot in the first timeline." And i honestly think it gave them the excuse to say Ever Crisis phone game is the actual ff7 original remaster (except its not, because its in installments, its too linited hardware wise to do the regular mini games, and its a lose lose for anyone who wanted just a plain remaster with voices... i guess theres always mods).

But anyway. The bulk of ff7 Remake is mostly like the ff7 original, just a sequel so its got a few wild changes pretty common to the ff7 expanded universe like Crisis Cores addition of Angeal and Genesis. The only sucky part of it to me is it felt like it needed to be a 20 hour game, not a 40 hour one. I did not need to be in midgar that long. More importantly the dungeons felt bloated. I think they were trying to prove they needed multiple games so they made Midgar too long, or thought ppl would be mad if it was a 20 hour game. I qouldnt have been mad. But because it does have bloated dungeon segments i may never play it again. Its redeeming feature is the chapter select at the end, so i can redo certain parts i liked and skip a ton of annoying time wasting chunks.

Is ff7 remake worth playing? Sure. Especially if you liked or played Crisis Core or Dirge of Cerberus and are used to the ff7 sequels kind of flavor. And if you loved ff7 original, it is cool seeing some moments re-realized and some expanded on in nice ways. But if you dont like feeling time wasted, it may irk you at some points. If pacing is as big a deal to you as it is for me, this may be a grating issue.

Ff7 Rebirth though? Im about halfway through and i love it. I get why this chunk took until ps5 to come out. I dont like that it took so long sure. But i get the GOAL they had with this game, and they met the goal. I see everything the gane team learned from making kingdom hearts active combat, from open world in ff15 and kingdom hearts, in perfecting active combat with a slowdown to select actions (kh never slows down). I see an open world vastly busy and realistic sized while small enough it feels comparable to other great open world playstation games, levels/cities being 1-2 hours long like typical worlds/levels/cities in other games. So in short: Rebirth is NOT bloated. Its paced MUCH better. Its the best attempt ive seen square enix do of open world (but naybe ff16 is better as i need to play that too). The chocobos, boat, airplane, climbing, grappling hook, all do aa much as the ff7 ps1 in terms of FULL open world exploration, except the world is way richer now and its as fluid as modern games (like ghost of tsushima, tomb raider, kh3) to explore. Knowing how much SE struggled to develop jumping or open world basic lol, this is eons more than theyve ever been able to do before. And Rebirth doesnt fucking glitch! I played Fallout 4 open world and would save in fear constabtly cause i could get stuck walking in the ground or risking trying to climb a hill. In Rebirth ive went right into all kinds of weird terrain with cloud and many vehicles and havent gotten stuck OR glitched once. The whole game hasnt glitched once. It plays phenomenal. So the whole combat system is great, modern while still having more turn based action control than Kingdom Hearts and ability to control each party member uniquely, its open world is well paced and rich and fun and easy to maneuver, AND the game kept and increased the mini games! And the side missions are all integrated into building party member relationships so even boring missions have some nice relationship building moments at least. Meaning you can do side stuff you like, skip others. The game is very fast paced if you stick to main story. And its fun to sink into the world and side stories if u go off playing around. Rebirth feels like a phenomenal execution so far of what they really WANTED a final fantasy 7 redone to be like. Its clear during Remake they didnt know how to do full open world yet (or just wanted to pad with dungeons so much it felt so closed and forced often, i just HATE Remakes pacing tbh). In Rebirth it feels great. Its fun just exploring the world i remember from ps1 tbh. To drive in the desert, fly by cosmo canyon on the chocobo, boat into the ocean and fuck around.

[ankhisms]

gobus rewatch ep 6 thoughts

ive mentioned many times before that i adore the way the mecha and mecha fights are set up in gobusters, theyre genuinely my favorite mecha set up in any sentai ive watched. i remember in the behind the making of the first ep video the fight choreo director talked about how he wanted each fight to be dynamic and to not be boring, which they honestly achieved really well. ill be honest im one of those toku fans who will zone out during the mecha fight portion of episodes (if the show has a mecha fight) but gobusters was never like that for me. similarly to wizard and blazar i always felt engaged in its fights and they were never boring to me, including the mecha fights. this is in part to the world building and the writing of the show, where the mecha have to undergo a lot of maintenance and we see those mecha workers regularly. the show takes pains to make sure we as the audience are aware that the fight could not be possible with just one person, it takes a whole large team of people working together to be able to fight.

with that in mind i also really love how the trio arent just able to form their combined mecha super easily, we see the three of them going through training simulations and theyve failed over 20 times according to nick. i love the little details in the pilot cockpit, the keypad and controls and codes they have to press in order to perform certain actions, along with them having to take their fuel usage into account. from a character and dynamic perspective, this is good early on because we get the sense that while hiromu has joined the team and hes getting to know youko & ryuuji and we see that theyre generally getting along, hiromu is still not entirely in sync with his teammates. hes frustrated and stubborn, hes gone through these simulations and training sequences with nick presumably hundreds of times before meeting up with the other two at the beginning of the show. he KNOWS hes capable, so whats going on? he did fine when he did it on his own.

i enjoyed ryuuji and hiromus dynamic in this episode. ryuuji, unsuprisingly, very easily slips into a brotherly mentor role to hiromu- but its clearly a different kind of mentorship than how ryuuji would approach guiding youko through something. this episode really highlights just how stubborn hiromu is, he focuses on something and doesnt give up until he solves it and isnt very receptive to being given advice on doing a task differently. and ryuuji, having spent so many years raising another stubborn and strong willed person (youko) is able to percieve this about hiromu and knows that he cant just flat out tell hiromu what hes doing wrong. hes got to be able to work it out himself. but he still is gently nudging hiromu towards the answer while supporting him. we get a sense early on in the episode that hiromu feels a bit tense about ryuuji calling off their training session, as if hes wondering if ryuuji thinks that hiromu just isnt capable enough- but thats not the case at all. ryuuji has probably seen youko get frustrated to the point of needing to walk away from something, and as the eldest of the team he decides to step in before either of the younger two get too frustrated or end up burnt out.

also a note. i dont plan on sacrificing myself for you. oh the early show late show forshadowing irony

the crux of the issue is that hiromu has been training all by himself for 13 years, whereas youko and ryuuji have always trained with each other. hiromu still believes he has to do everything by himself, and subconciously believes that he can only fully trust himself. because of this he hasnt been allowing ryuuji and youko to take the lead and do their parts while he stands back for a moment, he hasnt allowed himself to trust them enough for there to be a proper give and take in their team. and thats not because hiromu doesnt like youko and ryuuji, its just something that he hasnt thought of this entire time. when youve worked and trained alone for your entire life, its jarring to realize that you have people you can rely on and trust.

in the end its another sweet moment and good building of the team, they have to work hard to achieve their goal and they each have different strengths and weaknesses, and hiromu has to realize that he needs to trust his teammates just as they trust him in order for them to survive.

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

I need to share soft sign language buddies ninogami headcanon because they’re taking over my brain always:

(This got so long, so youre welcome if youre also starved for ninogami content)

Nino’s mom is Deaf , so he grew up signing as much as speaking. When he was younger he always signed as he talked.

It turned out he’s also Hard of Hearing, so sign language is way easier for him to understand most of the time.

However, though he’s great at making friends, he’s very awkward when it comes to talking about himself. So never comes up in conversation.

It’s not a self-deprication issue. It’s just a “thinking of things to say is hard and I’d rather have someone else do the talking” thing. He’d rather talk about anyone except himself.

Additionally! He’s great at helping other people, but he’s terrible at asking for help. He does not EVER want to be like “hey i cant understand what you’re saying, my ears dont work great,” its his worst nightmare

And it doesnt help that there have been a few cases of people being rude about it when he doesnt hear them after they repeat themselves. And possibly worse, there have been even more cases of people giving over-the-top apologies instead of just,, telling him what they said. So it’s not worth the trouble in his mind

with his few close friends who still dont know, it feels like its too late and it’d be awkward to bring it up, so he just… doesnt. He’s procrastinating on telling them he cant hear them

He stopped signing as much as he talked in middle school because strangers would always be like “woah thats so cool, how do you know sign language” and he’d just panic because he was an awkward tween, and he didnt know if he was comfortable telling them he was HoH, but ALSO just saying his mom was Deaf and not mentioning himself felt like directly lying by hiding information, so he just took the “lazy” way out and signed less in public.

Sometimes fighting the anxiety was not worth it so he just let it win in that case.

Nino is so nice and energetic and loves people, but he is way more introverted and anxious than his friends think.

But when they start to get closer, Kagami who is ever-observant, notices him signing a little bit, (not ever to her, not ever on purpose, but he’d sometimes sign a word he needed to remember while speaking or sign along to emphasize something)

and she luckily for his anxiety, she doesnt know how to have a normal conversation either.

Her (platonic as well as romantic) love language is studying and research, and Nino seems very cool and she likes him, even if she is awful at holding a conversation with him or doing anything to show it.

She thinks he’s so cool and such an amazing talented kind friend. She has so much love for him that she doesnt know what to do with it. So she channels that energy into learning to sign through the internet and whatever tools she can find

And then after a while of this, she’s like “oh no, he’s gonna think that’s so creepy, I cant tell him I know sign language or he’ll be so uncomfortable”

So, like a whole idiot, she hides that she’s learning sign language from anyone. Because OBVIOUSLY if word got back to Nino, he’d assume it was because of him and that she was a weirdo he shouldn’t be friends with

But also Kagami accidentally falls in love with sign language because she has undiagnosed autism. She always assumed that communicating was just going to be impossible no matter what, but as she gets proficient in sign language she’s like,,, oh,,, OH,, this is very nice

Even just signing while she talks makes it so much easier to keep words and sentances straight, but she only does it when she’s alone with her mother, who is literally blind and would never know.

They become closer friends in late high school, and by that time a lot of Nino’s anxiety has worn off and he’s become completely comfortable letting teachers know when he needs to hear somthing, and middle school feels like a distant dream

At some point, Nino invites Kagami to his house a few times, and he signs with his mom. Nino is like “I can interpret for you,” and Kagami is like “wow thanks, I’m so lucky, because I obviously do not know any sign language, why would I have learned it, and also for the record it is brand new information to me that you can sign,” and Nino is like “cool? Its not a secret but im glad i told you if you somehow didnt already know,” and Kagami is like, “yep :)”

But then eventually as they become really close, they are texting one night, (Kagami can still barely get out of her house, so they need to communicate remotely. And both of then HATE phone calls bc its so hard to understand whats happening, but neither of them have admitted this to anyone)

Nino admits that he likes using sign language better than talking, and he wishes he could use it with his friends, but he’d feel so guilty asking them to learn an entire language just to make him slightly more comfortable. He can talk and hear OKAY so he shouldnt put the pressure on them.

and Kagami is like “you could always ask, worst case scenerio they say no, and i dont think thats an unreasonable demand” and nino is like “it is though,” and kagami’s like “ok so haha funny story, please dont hate me” and nino is like, “…what.” And kagami confesses everything and nino is like “why… why would i hate you for that?” And Kagami is like “oh wait youre right im stupid,”

And then Nino’s also like “hey if YOURE more comfortable signing too, then why dont YOU ask your friends to sign for you. Do you see what i mean? It’s hard to ask-” and kagami is like, “as your friend i will prove it is not.”

So then Kagami ends up confronting Adrien and Marinette the next day and is like “Hi. This is a sign language dictionary. Learn from it.” And they’re both like “what?” And she’s like “oh wait sorry. Backing up. I’m autistic. I decided like three years ago. Forgot to tell you. And I need you to learn to sign a little bit so you can understand if i sign something at you. If you want, of course. Please :D.” And theyre like “ok sure yeah i can do that.”

(Theyve already learned and accepted that shes extremely direct in asking for things)

So then she texts nino and is like “i did it. Youre welcome.”

But anyway both of them are uncomfortable in crowds and parties: Nino cant hear anyone and Kagami tends to get sensory overload, so they start signing mostly in those situations, and then it starts to sink in that they’re allowed to sign whenever and that the other really IS also comfortable with it.

(Both of them are much more willing to make sacrifices for others than to try something new and intimidating for themself, so this is the perfect situation to trick them into getting out of their comfort zone, ironically by trying to be more comfortable in the long run)

so they will just sit together and hang out and have long conversations while just chilling somewhere in a park or at cafes or whatever. Both of them become chattier than they’ve ever been because talking and understanding is so much easier, and its addicting

And their close friends all become proficient enough in sign language to have simple conversations.

But also Nino and Kagami start sitting together automatically even in group hangouts, and they start hanging out more with just the two of them, and soon neither of them feel bad about asking to hang out in quieter places, because they can justify it knowing that it will also help the other one, and together that makes both of them also more comfortable asking for little accomodations from other friends, if only to prove to the other that they can do it too.

And Kagami has the lesser-known autism side effect where she makes WAY TOO MUCH eye contact. She’s aware of it but that doesnt make it go away. Normally she feels so awkward about it, and overthinks her gaze because she doesnt want to scare people away. But when signing, you literally HAVE to be watching the other person constantly, so she has an excuse to just be herself, and its so relieving

(and also its kind of fun to look at Nino anyway because he can get so animated and his smile is really nice and oh no she is in love a little bit)

And Nino always struggles because he emotionally ALWAYS needs to be the nice polite one. His anxiety sometimes gets the better of him and he’s constantly worried about sending the wrong signals to his friends and coming off as rude somehow. But with Kagami, he can literally just ask?? And she will tell him her honest opinion without making it weird. And its so comfy and so good and he really loves hearing her unfiltered opinions on so many things because she sees the world in such a unique way and she gets so passionate about such little things and then oh no, he is fallen for her before he can realize it

And they also learn that they’re both artists, they both love to just observe the world because even if they;re awkward, people are actually pretty great most of the time, and its fun to observe them and try to capture the world, and they just sit together and sketch, or they watch each other sketch, and the thing is, both of them draw ONLY FOR THEMSELVES, its not a ‘skill,’ and they don;t want it to be, its just private art for relaxation. Somehow, though, its okay if they share their art with each other. They can just sit in comfortable silence for hours while one of them sketches something and the other watches patiently

And they start to get more comfortable with one of their heads resting on the other’s shoulder as they watch them doodle, and sitting so close their legs press together, and soon enough their hands start brushing against each other’s as they walk next to each other and then all of a sudden they’re casually holding hands whenever they’re not signing because it’s nice

They try to share headphones so Nino can share some of his favorite songs and his compositions with Kagami. But try as she might, Kagami can not handle the sensory of only having one earbud in. Nino knows her tells by that point, and he’s not about to let her suffer for a stupid reason, but she REALLY does want to hear his music. They somehow end up with Kagami putting a pair of headphones around her neck and turning up the volume a little bit so she can hear, while Nino rests his head on her shoulder so he can hear just enough to know where she is in the song

And then he has to sit up and scootch away just enough to see her hands so they can talk about it, and they both pretend not to notice how nice it was to snuggle as they sign. Its fine, though, because now they get the excuse to just look at each other again and sign overdramatically with exaggerated facial expressions, and no one else around can overhear their conversation, and Nino likes to go a little over the top when signing onomatopoeia and acting out particular parts of the song rhythm that he likes, and Kagami laughs, and they both mentally save the image of each other in this moment the same way that they look at reference images for artwork, memorizing the lines of each movement and the things that make each smile unique,

and Nino also shows up at every single one of her fencing tournaments, and he sits as close as he can and signs encouraging messages to her from the crowd whenever she’s not actively competing, (that her blind mom can never catch, which is somewhat of a bonus to Kagami, because every element of their friendship that her mother cant interact with makes this more personal and special and HERS). Every little sign she sends back at him, even a simple thank you, always feels so good and rebellious and free because shes supposed to be focusing on fencing but shes deciding to care more about friendship. And even if she’s expected to leave immediately afterword, she’ll find every excuse possible to find him and give him a hug, which he’ll always accept even though she jokingly warns him shes sweaty and gross

And eventually they are special best friends and it brings them instant joy to see each other and theyre able to interact for no reason other than that they want to and like each other

(And then they kiss)

[gryphsdeadbones]

so i got to thinking about when the gordons finally get peeled after rescas 2 and the related thought of how often they wear the HEVs and how nice a damn shower is gonna be, feetman IMMEDIATELY takes off the suit bc he only wears it if he HAS to cuz its not the most comfortable thing, freeman wears it more often than not bc he's cautious but takes as much time as he's comfortable out of it so he doesnt have to wear the metaphorical Weight of it (1/2)

but freemind strikes me as the kind of person to just like, never take off the suit because he's paranoid and basically what this is leading up to is Freemind Touch Starved Moments. feetman gives him a good ol dad smack on the shoulder and freemind's gotta fight off the urge to cry bc thats the most human contact he's had in a long time but like hell is he gonna admit that to anybody, even himself (2/2)

gordons with no hevs... peeled....

on god its like a safety thing as well ;; 

feetman at least has an easier time out of the hev bc his most recent memory after finishing black mesa is chuck e cheese party (yeah...)

despite all the fuckery in black mesa with the science team, he seems the most ‘well-adjusted’ to the era- okay not really. but instead of going into stasis after the tram he gets to (stressfully) party and is held at gunpoint to go to the movie theatre with gman and science team. he still has his hev on, but doesn’t really need it. if he got the chance to shower and change he’d definitely go for it

i like how feetman does use the mark 5 hev in the acab stream! i think the crew have kinda referenced science team with casual wear i dont remember

freeman would definitely have the hev on him at all times. the civvies he wore at the start of city 17 was somewhat comfortable but its useless if he gets shot at

nevermind the fact that none of them have helmets its okay the plot hev will protect them

he’d much rather wear the armor when there’s an active battle going on- i like to think when everything ends well and the resistance crew hang out in white forest he just chucks the armor away when he needs to sleep/rest. 

freeman likes to be comfortable ! he just cant afford it at the moment where everythings going to hell in a handbasket. he really is just a nerd in a hev suit, and given the chance he’d wear like.  a labcoat over his hev suit. just for fun

weird to think about but they all probably have very thin casual clothing (shirt/leggings/etc) under their hev suits. the hev underarmor/body suit goes over it and theres some sciencey stuff to it that makes it bearable 75% of the time

freemind would be... very conscious of being out of the suit for sure ! he also doesn’t like the bright orange ‘shoot me here!’ part of the suit so if the underarmor has just enough protection... he’d definitely wear it under his casual wear

but like hes very conflicted about it- on one hand there might still be trackers. on the other hand theres enough padding on the knees and elbows if he has to run/fight- some cover/armor is better than thin fabric layers

freemind also strikes me as the person who does not like people up in his space more than normal- youd have to be a very, very trusted person to get close, and his general asshole-ness and smug attitude helps keep the distance

but he’s both touch-averse and very touch-starved and it sends a number of mixed signals to his brain- he’d rather not deal with it so he avoids contact as much as possible.

before the resonance cascade he didn’t really care for it. he didnt care for contact with strangers in dates and whatnot and it’s like whatever (he does mind being tazed or maced though)

AFTER the resonance cascade those touch-averse feelings explode off the fucking charts and he’s unsure of how to deal with it. people get too close and he’ll freak out- 

he does sometimes freak out when the other freemen get close but he’s learned he can trust them and doesnt react as badly. its just frustrating for him to manage but theyre all very understanding about it- they all somewhat have the same issue to an extent. and theyre kind of linked in a way (like drift compatibility but not that direct??)

theyve all gotten past how weird it is sometimes because ‘you’re me but also not really?? but you’re also me??’ who give a shit... go hug urself.... self care....sometimes bully urself when its funny and not harmful

they are homies and also possibly dumb roommates to each other

if they all stay together and re-adjust to regular kind of society and not worry about combines and stuff, they can...deal with it. physically and mentally recover a little. relearn to love and trust when theres no fear of getting grievously injured and killed in violent settings

freemind is really hard to get close to and he doesn’t make it easy for himself and whoever’s trying to be genuinely friendly

he has no idea how to deal with affection. hes a very rude guy but he’ll probably cry and never admit that god, he fuckin needs this. human people need hugs to survive. thats facts. he’ll look away from that fact. he does not see it

freeman gives him a kind of mocking-yet-sincere pat on the head and mentally he bursts into tears. ‘what the fuck. fuck off. but also thanks i like this’

im rambling and probably being redundant in some parts but [VAGUE HAND GUESTURES @ FREEMIND ]

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[sailorvinus]

F, R, T !!!

✨ @tsugugo. meme. still accepting!

F   :   FLIRT.   is your muse good at flirting? how do they flirt?

he doesn't have much romantic experience to use as a reference in how to act around the man he has a crush on. and not because he's just a little awkward, but he was locked up in an domestic abuse situation fresh outta high school, never had an interest in sex or romance around that time either, and then never really had an interest after. so at 26 years old, he might be a little stiff when he flirts forreal. his flirting never comes off as flirting gjfsdlgjfd... like he’ll give his crush one of his favorites books with favorite lines highlighted or he’ll just hang out with them like they’re bros. acts of service that can be taken as completely platonic. thats kinda all he got, yo........ like... lol

it makes shit difficult for him. in verses where he eventually does breakdown and confess his feelings, he always has to take on the disclaimer, ‘ i know this seems out of nowhere. ’ because he doesnt rly give any markers or indicators that hes romantically / sexually interested.............. r.i.p........................

i think the biggest flirtatious gesture he has is calling a man by his full name. always the full name. something sacred about it.

thankfully he opens up a lot more when his feelings are returned. then hes just outta control.... touchy and slick talkin’. but before that stage he struggles.... genuinely.

tfw he a billionaire’s son and he cant buy himself some mf’in GAME.

R   :   ROMANCE.   is your muse a romantic or a cynic?

a little bit of both... as mentioned in the previous answer, he was in an abusive relationship and of course that’s gonna make him a little jaded and angry when it comes to romance. his parents are still together and very loving. his mother’s occasional anger issues aside, theyve always been ready to bring dialogue, maturity, and love to each other during disputes... hes very hopeful to have something similar to them, but sometimes he doubts hes stable enough for it. he knows his personality is a little turbulent sometimes and he can’t help it. that’s what therapy is for!!!!

he loves love. just not entirely sure if love loves him back.

T   :   TRUE LOVE.   does your muse believe in true love?

vis always gonna believe in true love!!! its just difficult for him to visualize, sometimes. sometimes his love can be so cold and he’ll be so distant. a lot of folks dont like that, but really he’s the kind that needs his space even when he’s in a relationship. leave him alone for a few days and he’ll come back to you. he has so many things he wants to create and read and work on. his projects will always be a priority, regardless of how much he loves someone.

he’s an acquired taste definitely lkgjklg. so yeah!!! vi believes in true love... BUT DOES TRUE LOVE BELIEVE IN HIM?!?!??!?!

the men hes shipped  w.? braver than marines. but also loved better than anyone else so they win.

[spaceysp]

Saying random stuff to feed into the hyperfixations; pick one of these statements to rant about because I wanna read :)) if u want,

How skeppy must feel with everyone meeting up cause BaD JUST COME ON ,

Opinions on bad planning to take skeppy to dinner and all that jazz ,

Skeppys newest video on the skep channel where bad and skeppy are surprisingly sweet to eachother (and how lately in general bad has been less angee with him) ,

Literally the whole discount skeppy situation , bad being literally in love,

Ride with U,,,,,hetero,,,,explanation,,,, anywhere?

ANONNNNN I OWE YOU MY LIFE ILY 

im literally going to talk about all of these so im sorry but read more at your own risk

one: skeppy, i am so sorry a mf does this to you. but seriously, i can only think of a few reasons (that dont sound entirely made for fanfic) that bad keeps putting off meeting skeppy 

1. (the most unlikely) theyve already met and they keep the bit going so the fans dont find out. i can get that they wouldnt want to tell at first because its their own business, but i seriously doubt they would wait very long to confirm it, because ppl honestly can put a lot of pressure and hype on the meetup (esp with skeppy’s “surprise”) so i think theyd release something just so everyone knew that it finally happened! they didnt lie!

2. bad just doesnt want to meet skeppy (actually nvm this is the most unlikely) 

bad seems to be genuinely excited to meet skeppy, even claiming skeppys the one to keep putting it off, not him (which skeppy immediately disproved but) and saying over and over he wants to meet up with him, but always avoiding actually making plans (every single tweet about the meetup) so its clear he does want to meet skeppy eventually, which makes trying to figure out why he wont even harder

3. its not the right time/ waiting for a specific date

leading up to this, i was thinking that there was a pretty good chance theyd meet up on their anniversary, but that never happened rip. the issue is with this is that they guaranteed they would meet up before the end of the year, and at this point theres only one “event” left, but they still dont seem to have any plans to meet. if bad was waiting for the perfect time to do it, why not just tell skeppy to confirm a meetup date? it would get him (and maybe the fans, if they told them) off his back. another variant of this is that there is a set date, but they havent told the public, but again, skeppy seems to be just as much in the dark about this as everyone else

4. health issues 

bads apparently been feeling pretty under the weather lately, with his arm and kidney stones, its very plausible (and reccomended, imo) that bad doesnt want to travel when hes having these problems. of course, skeppy could visit, but he could either not want to spend their time together sick or the plans they have could also be too straining. i think this is probably one of the most likely atm, go see a doctor bbh im begging you

5. bads nervous

this is also one of the more plausible to me. for whatever reason, bads just anxious about it, whether it wont be the same as talking online, or be super awkward or whatever, he could just keep putting it off for that (its still weird and kinda doesnt make sense but in a more realistic way this time)

i know i totally went off track but this brings me to my point, skeppys kinda just waiting for bads confirmation at this point, so seeing his friends have fun meeting up is probably just lowkey depressing and i could see him using it as more the reason they should meet up. really the only thing he can do in this situation(at least, as far as i can tell) is what he has been doing, annoy bad about it or he take advantage of bads jealousy and meet up with someone else. the other option is to randomly come to his house, but it doesnt seem like skeppy is gonna do that, maybe to respect his boundaries? if he was planning on it i think he wouldve done it by now

OKAY NUMBER TWO LETS GO

this kinda ties into my point in the “reasons why bad wont meet skeppy” thing, that bad seems really excited to meet him yet still wont?? its clear he really values any time spent with skeppy, but he also make sure skeppys having a good time too! that why he never does any actual work with skeppy around (i.e. building statues or gathering materials for such), he knows its boring so instead theyll wander around the server telling stupid stories or punching each other off stairs for 20 minutes. im sure itll be the same irl, he mentioned wanting to meet somewhere like a nature reserve or amusement park, probably to make sure theres never a dull moment or time wasted. dinner seems much more low-key, and i wouldnt be surprised if bad just wanted to have an excuse to try and impress him with a nice totally-platonic date

NUMbeR tHree *airhorns* 

they really do be the best of friends! ive noticed that skeppys def been trying to halt arguments fairly quickly now, saying a lot to appease bad and move on, and while bad seems to like to start fights for fun, hes also been a lot more chill lately, im guessing because hes been oh-so desperately missing skeppy and big s was also in Baby mode (aka if bad disagreed with him hed probably just cry until he got his way((sand))) i think that vid just showed them being a lot more natural and happy to talk (plus bad usually is more argumentative when theyre competing, while in that vid they were either just hanging out or working towards a common goal) 

n u m b e r f o u r 

where to even BEGIN with discount skeppy. well, bad actually first came up this idea a few months ago, in either july or august on an idots smp stream when he crafted an ‘artificial skeppy’ in his snack shack that he could talk to whenever skeppy was gone. as we all know idots smp is now rip, but the idea of replacement skeppys remained, just this time they can talk and also ship skephalo. it actually seemed like more of puffys idea at first when she put on skeppys skin as a joke, which bad didnt like the first few times, but when she brought it up again he actually requested it (missing skeppy brainrot 🤔?) this could be either cuz bad wanted to bait some shippers so gave in or he thought it was a pretty funny bit so went along with it (or he actually missed skeppy that much.. surely not ??) either way i think we can agree puffy is not only a comedic genius but a top tier friend and slight wingman, and getting some good jealous skeppy content out of it is also top tier. in conclusion, love and appreciate discount skeppy, badboyhalo has only skeppy on his brain and his friends have to deal with that, hoes (skeppy) mad even though the whole bit is how much bbh is into him

NUMBER FIVE im really doing all of them

What, can be said, about ride with u. GODDAMN. im not tryna insinuate anything, but if someone told me that song reminded them of me i would have no choice but to marry them immediately. i really really want someone to ask bad what songs remind him of any of his other friends (dream, sapnap, george, ant, puffy, etc.) because there are three options

1. theyre just cool platonic friend songs and bad is just in love with skeppy

2. he cant think of any songs for them and bad is just In Love with skeppy

3. they have equal romantic undertones and bad is just Like That with his friends (even so i bet people would be picking out the most minute differences between the songs that make one more.. You Know than the other) 

i know FOR SURe that if i was in bads position (where even the person who made the lyric video assumed they were gay in love) i wouldve curled into a ball and never made another public appearance again, but he really owned that shit, singing it and making unprompted references to it (”i already have a bonnie” YOU AINT SLICK SIR WTF) 

i just wanna know if skeppys listened to it (i mean, hes surely at least heard of it, i know he wouldve seen it all over his timeline) and what he thonks about it. pls tell us big s do you also feel the love in this chilis tonight (ALSO when is someone gonna ask skeppy what song reminds him of bad. im waiting ((hed probably say something like a faster remix or something equally memey (((unless???)))

ANYWAY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU READ ALL OF THAT HOLY SHIT i dont wanna reread this to check for errors so it might be incoherent but again ty for letting me infodump about this it was super fun im in love with you anon

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok so I know some people in the fandom don't like talking about Magnus' past lovers because anyone that isn't Alec everyone just turns their heads but ok listen. Your last response about Magnus and queer history my head immediately went to Freddie Mercury and oh please I would like a little more insight on how they met and their relationship. The only thing we knew was that Magnus would go to his concerts and even drag his friends along. What I would give to learn more about them.

FUCK MY LIFE anon listen idk if you fully know what you're getting yourself into by asking me this because i am literally OBSESSED with Magnus' relationship with Queen and Freddie like im literally VIBRATING rn i was answering the questions in order but i just HAD to answer this one immediately because !!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck fuck fuck i love magnus' relationship with Freddie Mercury and Queen so much you dont understand, i have already made some posts and i still plan on making a playlist of Queen Songs That Remind Me Of Magnus but anyway hell yeah let's DO this

okay so first im gonna talk a little bit about how i view their relationship. now, they probably weren't in a very serious relationship, since theres this whole Magnus Locked His Heart Ever Since Camille thing, but Magnus and Freddie have SO much in common i cant really think this was just a fling, either. so here's what i think: magnus and freddie were good friends who sometimes hooked up and that definitely had chemistry to have something special, but it never happened because Magnus never fully allowed himself to give in to it and neither did Freddie - im assuming their relationship was in the 70s, since in the 80s Freddie met his husband, Jim Hutton, and at that time Freddie also had a hard time trusting and loving. also, Magnus was already in New York, so it couldn't have been too serious. but Magnus would go around to watch their concerts and every time he would find Freddie somehow (it wasnt that hard, really, you just had to go to the local queer scene) and they would sometimes hook up, sometimes just talk and enjoy each other's company, sometimes both. that's what i think it's most likely.

but the absolutely OFF THE CHARTS amount of vibing they must have done. i dont think you fully understand - unless you're a queenie trash bitch such as me - just how similar magnus and freddie are. here's a short, comprehensive list of Freddie Mercury Traits:

Freddie was seen and stereotyped as an overly sexual, lothario, diva and inconsequential kind of guy, and to some extent he put on this facade, but in reality he was extremely closed off and insecure and loving, and this was mostly a persona he put on to protect himself

Despite that whole persona, Freddie was an extremely compassionate guy who did everything he could to help others, particularly other queer people. His personal assistant, his chef, his chaffeur, all were other queer guys (sometimes his exes even) that had nowhere else to go and were in need of a job, and Freddie was just like "oh, would you look at that, you're hired now. I'm gonna pay you, hm, 3 million" it was so. When Jim lost his job Freddie hired him as a gardener. They literally met because they were talking in a club and Freddie was all like "lets all go to my house" and brought in a bunch of strangers to his home. That's the kind of guy he was. His house was always open as well

Freddie was loyal to a fault and a little bit too trusting, and was stabbed in the back a few times. The most well-known one is P*ul, who outed him against his will despite them having years of friendship, a blow that Freddie never fully recovered from, but there were others. Despite being a shy guy and reluctant to open up, he actually wore his heart on his sleeve and this sometimes ended up hurting him, a lot

Freddie felt absolutely lonely and like he was unworthy of being loved. This is not a secret, its a common theme in a lot of his songs, the most prominent of them being somebody to love. He wanted to be loved and taken care of but at the same time wouldnt allow himself

He was also very insecure. Jim says in his book that Freddie would frequently ask him, out of the blue, if he loved him, despite the fact that they were, you know, married (not in the paper, of course, but Jim bought him wedding rings and Freddie called him his husband, so i consider them married)

He was constantly scared of being an inconvenience. When he found out he had AIDS, his first instinct was to tell Jim that if jim wanted to leave him he would understand. Jim, of course, said that was bullshit and he wouldnt leave Freddie because of that

He was a perfectionist and always wanted to do his absolute best, nothing less. He was also a creative genius as we all know

He loved cats and would bring random cats into his home constantly

He loved fashion and pretty things

He was a queer, gnc man of color

He had a pretty protective side to him; queen's bassist, John Deacon, was extremely shy and said that Freddie pretty much shielded him from the press attention, and also helped him polish his song writing skills and always wanted him to do his best. After Freddie died, John quit the showbusiness.

I mean, remind you of someone? Holy fucking shit, i nearly lost my goddamn mind when they mentioned that he hooked up with Freddie, because they're so similar in their issues and insecurities and interests it's almost meta. I don't know if that was on purpose or not, but i thank the sh writers every day for that line tbh honestly i am so blessed

Unfortunately i think they might kind of be too similar - you get two very insecure, afraid to be hurt people who kind of have a persona together and it's kind of hard to have them have a meaningful relationship. But where Freddie was shy, Magnus was extroverted and easygoing, and there were always parties (something the both of them loved) and they had enough common interests to bond over. Also, they both couldnt help but wear their heart on their sleeves, even when they tried not to. And i mean, i am 100% sure that Magnus absolutely loved Queen, because 1- who doesnt? 2- the songs are so intense and heartfelt and beautiful and theatrical and that's right on magnus' alley; 3- the lyrics just speak to him, because there Freddie was, writing about wanting to be loved and fearing to open himself up, and there was also Brian writing all these songs about seeing your loved ones die, and Roger was a domestic abuse victim - there was just so much for him to relate too. So i can definitely see Freddie and Magnus staying up awake late at night, looking at the window and talking about themselves, their fears, the personas they have created and how hard it is to break out of them, when they were alone in a hotel room and everyone else who was at the party was gone. Just the two of them, having heart-to-hearts, then sleeping, but the next day the magic was gone and they were both back to guarding themselves - also, Magnus was avoiding getting involved with mundane men, if you go by my headcanon. so there was just too much holding them back

but it was still an important relationship that helped the both of them learn more about themselves and get a little more used to opening up and allowing themselves to talk about themselves. they didnt really break up as much as drift apart - Freddie had the band and Magnus was high warlock of Brooklyn and the political tensions in the downworlder community were high. But they both got their happy endings after all - Freddie met Jim and they were together until the end of his life, and Magnus met Alec, who will be with him for the rest of eternity too because i said so :) so its all good, in the end, and Freddie will always have a special place in magnus' heart, as both an amazing human being that he was honoured to meet and someone who was really, really important to magnus and that helped him become who he is today and be a little happier and more comfortable with himself

he still loves queen and listens to them constantly. sometimes its bittersweet to think about him, but most times its just good to hear these songs that mean so much to him and think of how far theyve both gone