#like. can this just be made better/easier/safer for everyone by keeping him until like. monday morning or something 🥲🤞🏻

[threnodians]

is it bad that i want my father to stay in the hospital for a few more days because i called him this morning and apparently they woke him up in the middle of the night last night because “they didn’t like what his heart was doing” and so idk what’s going on (my sister handles his doctor appointments for the most part because i have enough of my own; he was supposed to come home tomorrow morning or well this morning ig since it’s after midnight) but he went in for his atrial fibrillation and they’re obviously keeping a close eye on him while they test out with medications for him to take and i’m anxious for him to come home because if he has a fucking heart attack or something in the middle of the night i won’t know or anything and (muffled screaming)

[contorted-curruptions]

*~Hello, Rabbit~*~Yandere Mirio X Tamaki.~*~Part 1~*

Note: Hello, hello it’s Sunday and time for my post, this week was a little hectic for me so there will be another post on Monday because yet again I got carried away with how long the story is, so first part no smut, second part more than likely smut, but in the mean time feel free to enjoy the story~

This is a yandere naga god Mirio Togata X Elven priest Tamaki Amajiki and a request by my bestie~  

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Warning: Mentions of death, Yandere behavior, and almost dead inside Tamaki ahead my dudes, so proceed with caution.

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Tamaki lays here in the forest shrine cave on some warm and comfortable animal pelts, those pelts lay on top of some heavy foliage and luscious plant life he’s curling up tightly in that spot. Tamaki is laying there almost lifeless in this place he’s been confined to for quite a long time now.  The sun is peeking into the cave from the opening above and shining down on him keeping him very warm. The sun feels nice despite how depressed he’s feeling currently numb and lifeless, lacking in much hope or happiness. Tamaki isn’t too far into the cave shrine’s depths, he’s laying not so far from the entrance of the cave waiting for the snake god who he now resides with to return. The cave shine in this forest is very deep and like a maze, with so many entrances and traps within. Tamaki didn’t use to get trusted to remain in this part of the cave while Mirio was away, but ever since Mirio realized that Tamaki wasn’t going to run he always wants him to wait for his return here. Mirio will leave Tamaki in this lovely little area to get the sun he needs to stay healthy, and the plus side for him is Tamaki will be there to greet him right away when he comes through the entrance. Not to mention The area has berries nearby and a small pond in the cave so if Tamaki ever is hungry or thirsty while Mirio is away he can partake in those little luxuries. Mirio thinks this is the best place for Tamaki to rest while he’s away and he only wants the best for his rabbit or that is what Tamaki will constantly hear from Mirio when he explains why he is there and Tamaki’s been here for quite some time now.  It seems that he’ll never know another home again besides this shrine. Tamaki will never know the comfort of his old village or the pleasure of being with others of his kind. No, Not after everything that has happened and is currently happening, all he’ll get to know is Mirio now. Tamaki will only ever get to have the company of the snake god, he’s not allowed to see anyone else. Though Tamaki so badly misses his village and those who he knew from it, Tamaki never had many connections there but even so, there are a few that he is missing now. Tamaki’s family and one or two other Elven friends from the village, even with how shy he is, there were a few people who had always been nice to him, a few people he desperately wanted to see again. Tamaki wonders how they are doing back home, wonders if they even miss him or if they are happy he is gone since the village is safer with him not being there. Tears well up in his dull eyes for a moment as he thinks back to how things used to be. Even with the luxuries of this shine, even with the affection and protection from the God that lives here, even with the solitude, he thought he had wanted he feels so alone, scared, and desperately misses his life back home. Sill finds it hard to believe that his fellow villagers sacrificed him to Mirio, then again he can guess it isn’t that surprising either, it is his fault. Tamaki invited the newly formed Snake god into his company a long time ago when he was a mere child, and it’s too late to turn back now. 

Tamaki shivers but it’s not because he is cold, with the sun he, of course, is very warm but in thinking of the past, he is remembering a few rather unpleasant things from it which in turn makes him shiver in slight fear and repulsion. Really Tamaki never fathomed the thought that his affections for the naga Mirio would lead to something like this. From the very start, Mirio had seemed so innocent. For a great amount of time, there were no problems with Mirio and nothing terrible happened, nothing seemed like it would happen either. However that all changed quite a number of months ago, or had it been a year now? He can’t remember as he mostly hasn’t had much sense of time being he for long portions of his time here had been stuck in the darkness of the deeper parts of the cave, that is until just recently. But regardless here he is now living away from his village never to see his loved ones again, he is here stuck with the powerful naga god that is Mirio. Honestly, How could he have known that things would lead to him here kidnapped and being forced to live with Mirio as his lover. Though can you really call it a kidnapping with how things transpired? The fact of the matter is he was given to Mirio in hopes no more destruction would come to the village in which he resided. Tamaki was a sacrificial lamb to the god in question. A mere Elven priest who would save the lives of the many by simply appealing to the naga god who had caused quite the uproar over something so simple.

Nonetheless Even with all the terrible things Mirio has done and might even continue to do Tamaki does still find he has a care for Mirio but his feelings are confusing and quite a mess, they are always fluctuating back and forth. One day he’s terrified and wishes he never met Mirio and other days he is in love with him and happy to have at least one person who will keep him by their side. Mirio will never betray him, not like his fellow villagers, that left him to possibly die with Mirio. Did he always feel that way? Tamaki can swear there had been a time where he thought that the villagers had no other choice and understood why they did this. However, with all of Mirio’s talk about how vile those he used to live with are, well it really starts to mess with his way of thinking, it’s hard to keep focused when Mirio is smothering him with affection and those sweet words of praise, those words that leave him to believe that Mirio is the only one who will ever love him truly. With all that talk lines and thoughts begin to blur, Tamaki doesn’t remember the last time things actually have made sense to him or were all too clear for him either. All Tamaki really knows is currently he’s been here for too long in a constant battle with his emotions. 

Tamaki’s days now are spent merely laying here seemingly completely dead inside, he doesn’t talk, he doesn’t move, he barely reacts to anything. Sometimes it’s better not to react to Mirio, it can lead to things he doesn’t like, then again laying here like a lifeless doll does seem to have its negative effects too. It’s a game of roulette when it comes to Mirio and how he will react on a day-to-day basis. Tamaki though, for this long time has been trying his best to keep Mirio content and happy for his old village, the village he had to leave behind because of the naga he used to call a friend. Tamaki’s and Mirio’s friendship started so innocently, Tamaki was only about five years old when Mirio found him. Back then he didn��t know he was a new god, and of course, he didn’t know the damage Mirio could cause. It hadn’t been till many years into his relationship with Mirio that Tamaki would come to find just how sinister the naga actually can be. Tamaki realized not but perhaps a year ago that Mirio is in fact an obsessive murdering monster. Though sometimes it is hard to see him for just what he is. Sometimes Tamaki felt harsh for calling him a monster, sometimes he will wonder if he is just misunderstood, another conflict in his head. 

Back before he’d even met Mirio others in his village told him from the start that there are monsters and horrifying creatures in the forest and almost all of them were not to be trusted. He was always advised not to play or linger too long in the forest. That was how his village saw things, only wander into the forest when necessary and be careful when you do. Children really weren’t supposed to play in there, however Tamaki as a child had been allowed into the forest but only when the village would perform their rituals to appease the gods, they would have festivals in the forest on occasion, even with the danger the village was very respectful of the gods and even the creatures in the wild there. Tamaki supposes why back then with the way of thinking he was less warry of the warnings those from the village had given him. Besides the forest had always been the place he called home when he needed a place to escape, which happened to happen quite a lot when growing up. He just wanted to relax and get away from everyone sometimes and the forest was the place he went to. Being his family ran the shrine and live close to the forest made things easier.

Tamaki can remember clearly when he met Mirio in the forest, back then he couldn’t have pictured him being evil, he was so sweet. From the very start Mirio has always been so sweet to him, so understanding, even now he can be. Even Now Mirio makes his heart flutter when he knows that he should hate the naga after everything he’s done. Tamaki just can’t bring himself to hate Mirio, not fully anyway. Tamaki Loves Mirio, yet Tamaki is scared of Mirio, and wishes he never met Mirio, then at the same time he can never hope to live without him now. They are stuck together, he is here so Mirio is kept under watch, so Mirio doesn’t hurt anyone else. 

Continuing on his thinking back before he wound up here as the others in the village would when little Tamaki’s parents would always tell him not to wander into the forest alone, well at least his father would. Tamaki’s mother would encourage Tamaki to enjoy the splendors of the forest. While his father would tell him not to consort with the monsters that call the wilds their home, his mother would tell him the opposite. Tamaki’s mother would tell him the forest and it’s creatures were magical and wondrous not to be feared. Tamaki’s mother was the priests of the forest Shrine before his father came into the picture and before his father would also spend nearly all her time in the forest. With his mother’s words and his own desires he could never bring himself to stay away from the forest. Tamaki never had been the most social and honestly he still wasn’t, but back then he really needed to get away from the pressures and the kids who bullied him for not moving forward fast enough with his Elven magics. Out of all the other kids in his village, Tamaki struggled so hard to not only to socialize but to hone his magical skill. It was tough for him, So every evening just before the sunset he would run to the forest where it was quiet and tranquil, he was so young so naïve, and never realized he was watched every time until he came face to face with that boy. 

“Hello Rabbit~”

Those were the first words Mirio would bestow upon him, and back then it had startled him. Tamaki had been so damn scared he was shaking but when turning to meet the gaze of the other his fear had wavered, a bright and overly warming smile on a boy who seemed to be his age who he didn’t recognize, he would blink curiously at the boy who had stood in the bushes and among the heavy brush, well back then he thought he was stood, his tail was covered by the bushes and brush so he had originally thought he was a normal Elven boy like himself.

“W-Who A-ar-”

Tamaki would stutter out but not get to finish his sentence for the other was answering him right away before he could get the full question out of his mouth, Tamaki felt like a mess before the new face he was never good at meeting new people, and alone no less, he much preferred when he had friends or his family with him when meeting new people.

“A friend. My name is Mirio. What’s yours?”

Tamaki of course still hadn’t been at ease even after he had heard what the boy said and most of that hand been the fact that he really wasn’t good at talking to people, he would shuffle in place and hide behind his hair his hands clutched at the hem of the bottom of his shirt, he pulled it slightly down. Tamaki would kick at the dirt before replying.

“T-Tamaki…”

Tamaki only managed to get his name out from his mouth, but even then him giving Mirio his name only earned a smile from Mirio and a loud laugh. That had been their first meeting when he was only five and from there he would come to find out that Mirio wasn’t just another Elf as he had assumed at first but a naga. Tamaki only realized that after Mirio would come out from the bushes to hug him. He had wrapped around Tamaki and coiled around his lower half. Mirio has always had problem respecting boundaries, even still he does. Regardless of all that their first meeting would start their friendship even if Tamaki had found it terrifying back then. Over time Tamaki came to no longer fear Mirio with prolonged exposure. Mirio quickly became Tamaki’s first friend and they even grew up together, they did almost everything together when in the forest. Mirio was his open ear and comfort from those who live in his village. Even if Tamaki had originally went to the forest to escape and be alone, over time he wouldn’t mind sharing that time with Mirio. 

For many years things went smoothly between the two, things were normal, they were nothing but happy awkward unexpected friends. Tamaki, Mirio’s little rabbit. Things change though, things had changed after the villagers and his family found out that Tamaki made friends with Mirio. When the villagers had found out they were all very warry for Tamaki at this point had come into his magic and was much better with it, Tamaki was also now the aspiring priest to care for the shrine in the forest and be the mediator between the gods and their village like his mother had been for so many years. They didn’t want to lose Tamaki for they saw him as an important part of their village. At this time the villagers had no idea that Mirio was the new god of the shrine taking over for the old one, they thought he was just a random naga. For who would have suspected that the new god would already show himself to the aspiring priest he was. The village would vote to keep Tamaki under constant watch and to not let him leave the village and go into the forest, even with Tamaki’s slight protest they wouldn’t listen to him. His mother would be the only one to speak up for him however even though she was the current holy priestess they would still be uncertain, she did have quite the sway with the villagers however so did his father and he was highly against it which lead to the decision staying in place and Tamaki would be kept from wandering in and even too close to the forest. It was almost like being under house arrest. It only took two short weeks for people to start going missing after that, anyone who would wander into the forest after that two weeks usually wouldn’t return. The village had gone into a panic and fear over those incidents, people were prohibited from leaving the village for a while but that would take a toll on everything for you needed to leave the village and enter the forest for certain things. Not to mention the crops would start to suffer along with beasts of the forest starting to invade the village from time to time, people would continue to die.

It wouldn’t be until a full two months after that Tamaki’s own mother would go missing, she wouldn’t be missing for a whole day but she was nowhere to be found for hours, it wasn’t until later someone would mention that it had been coming around the time the priestess would need to go clean the shrine, they hope she hadn’t left to do so with the danger. Tamaki’s father was worried so he led a team into the forest to find her. When they returned only half of them were left and his father walked forward weekly carrying his mother’s body into the village. Her body was covered in snake bites and scratches, her clothes tattered and torn. Clearly, she didn’t move nor did she seem to breathe, Tamaki remembers that he broke free of the other villagers to run to his father who had a bite in his shoulder. He sweated profusely and his breath was haggard. Tamaki cried so hard that day, his father would collapse and Tamaki would try to heal him with his own magic but he would still die. Though the others would inform the rest of the village what happened and the worst part was it had all been Mirio’s doing, it was that day they discovered he was in fact the new god. Mirio made his demands of the village clear, he wanted Tamaki to be his and live with him in the shrine in the forest. He would demand once they gave him over they would leave them alone but still make offerings to the shrine, and only if these demands were met would the killings stop and everything would go back to normal. Though at this point Tamaki didn’t want to go back, he didn’t want to go to Mirio who had killed his parents and fellow villagers even if he was upset over him. Even with Tamaki not wanting to go back the Village almost unanimously decided to hand Tamaki over, he was the priest of the shrine now with his parents gone. His friends had protested, and certain others but it didn’t matter enough of them wanted to do what needed to be done and Tamaki was sent into the forest to be with Mirio.

“Hello rabbit, I’m home Tama-chan~ Did you miss me~?”

Tamaki’s Flashbacks to the past break off with Mirio’s entrance That chirp leads to the slithering and Mirio coming back to the cave, he is here to once more curl around him and talk about his day. Mirio is here to cuddle up with him and tell him of all the things he is missing out on while being in this cave but Tamaki really didn’t want to hear about any of it. Mirio can talk about the birds, the bees, and the flowers filling to the brim with pollen and nectar but Tamaki a long time ago gave up on wanting anything to do with anything. Honestly, right now all he wants is to lay there and try to forget about his own existence. Mirio ever since coming into possession of him has been trying to get that life back in his eyes but nothing seems to be changing the dull lifeless look in them. Tamaki Though will wonder what Mirio will come to tell him to try and get him to perk up this time, he can only imagine.

[morningfears]

Nontraditional Graduation

Rating: PG

Summary: Calum feels bad that you have to miss graduation so he takes it upon himself to give you the best nontraditional graduation he can. || ((The class of 2020′s graduation isn’t exactly looking like the traditional graduation and as a member of that class, I was a little upset about it. So, here’s my take on a comfort fic.))

Word Count: 2.8k

Quarantine was, for lack of a better word, strange.

There were parts of it, namely spending your days with Calum and Duke in some sort of domestic fantasy, making up for lost time, that were almost nice. Not having to leave your home and go out into the world was almost nice, too. Under any other circumstances, you would’ve relished in these things. However, life felt a bit surreal and reality weighed heavily on your shoulders.

The street you lived on was never busy but as neighbors hunkered down and waited, the street (and city itself) was quiet. You saw the occasional neighbor out for a walk, never straying too far from their own home, and the mail carrier making their rounds but the streets felt eerily quiet. Life, understandably, felt like a movie that was placed on pause in March and forgotten about. 

Time had always felt like a stable concept, something dependable and easy to count on, but it no longer felt that way as days passed with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Four in the morning felt no different than four in the afternoon, Monday no different than Friday. If it weren’t for Calum’s weekly video chats with the boys - on Thursdays, of course, as Thursdays were for the boys -, you were afraid that you wouldn’t even know what day it was.

Before quarantine began, you’d been good about keeping your schedule written in a planner. Your work schedule was always there, right beside your class schedule, and your assignment due dates were even color-coded. It was helpful, a way to keep your hectic life in some sort of balance, and you’d managed to keep up with it for the first few weeks of quarantine. However, all of your organization flew out the window as the fatigue and discomfort of the situation really began to set in.

March and April had come and gone without so much as an indication of their passing and May’s arrival hit you much harder than you imagined it would.

Thankfully, your final semester of college was a light one. You’d planned it that way from the beginning, thanks to your advisor, and had ensured yourself a light course load that was supposed to leave you with time to job hunt and hang out with friends before everyone inevitably went their separate ways. You were grateful to your past self for that decision as you’d only had a few short Zoom meetings and a handful of easy assignments to submit in the month and a half between spring break and graduation.

If you were honest with yourself, graduation was something that you’d been looking forward to since August. It was a major achievement and you were excited to walk across the platform and gather the degree you’d busted your ass to earn. You and your friends had taken cliche photos in front of campus landmarks with a silly sign that read ‘Last First Day’ before classes began and had planned to make one that read ‘Now what?’ for after the ceremony. Your more artistic friends agreed to help decorate graduation caps, something you’d been looking forward to, and you’d even planned a Disney trip for the weekend before so that you could take photos in your cap and gown.

To make things even better, Calum had been able to book a later flight than the others so that he could stay in LA long enough for your graduation before heading out on tour with you by his side.

On paper, your plans were picture perfect. Everything felt like it was falling into place, like it was meant to be, and you were beyond excited. You were ready for something, anything, to celebrate the hard work you’d put in over the years - the late nights holed up in the library, studying and writing; the breakdowns over grades; the stress from trying your best to earn a degree.

But the universe had other plans.

You’d been the realistic one of your friends, cancelling plans and coming to terms with the fact that you most likely wouldn’t get a graduation the moment stay-at-home orders were announced, and spent the majority of your time trying to stay positive. There was nothing you could do to change what was happening and you knew that the cancellations were happening for the best.

Everyone was safer at home.

However, the positivity came at a price. Every time a negative emotion began to bubble, you swallowed it. Whenever you felt sad that you would no longer have late night dinners with friends after a rough class, whenever you felt disappointed that you had to cancel a road trip or a Disney trip, whenever you felt hurt that you wouldn’t get a graduation ceremony despite the hard work you put in to earn your degree, you bit them all back and reminded yourself that things could be worse.

You didn’t allow yourself to feel the emotions that were festering beneath the surface because they made you feel guilty. Feeling anything other than grateful for your health and comfort in the fact that you knew this situation wouldn’t make you or break you lodged an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach so you avoided those thoughts altogether.

However, as desperately as you avoided the negative thoughts for yourself, you were quick to comfort your loved ones and encourage them to experience their emotions fully. Calum, especially.

You knew that he was heartbroken - as were the others - that their plans for the album had had to change so drastically, so quickly. They’d all been so excited, so ready to release the album they’d put so much of themselves into, and things came to a grinding halt. You knew that they were devastated that the release of such a personal album had to be under such conditions. They couldn’t celebrate with the fans and, even worse, they couldn’t celebrate with one another.

Calum never complained but he did acknowledge his feelings. He talked openly, to you, about how disappointed he was that things were going the way they were even though he understood it all. He got it off his chest and moved on. You understood, he’d worked hard and deserved to have the album release they’d all been planning for. You told him as much in the days immediately surrounding the release, words of comfort leaving your lips as you ran your fingers through the blonde curls you were praying he kept.

And that was why he was completely and utterly baffled when he learned that you didn’t feel you deserved the same.

You’d never outright told him that you were upset about having to cancel your travel or that graduation was cancelled - in fact, you’d joked that you were glad because it meant you didn’t have to deal with crowds or packing - but he could tell just how much it was hurting you. You avoided bringing up those topics yourself and when you only offered enough words to move past them in a conversation, he learned to leave them alone. He could tell that you felt guilty for feeling sad and it broke his heart.

You’d worked so hard for graduation, for the things that were coming after, and to see you trying to pretend that it didn’t matter that they were cancelled worried him.

You were upset, more so than he realized, and he wanted to do something to make your nontraditional graduation a little easier on you. You’d been so kind and understanding when he was upset over the album release, when your friends were upset over their own cancelled plans, and to him, graduating college was an astounding accomplishment that deserved a celebration.

So, with the help of friends, he set out to make it a day that you would never forget.

Distracting you in order to set up for the impromptu graduation ceremony and party he was planning was much easier than he’d imagined it would be. You forgot that it was even supposed to be your graduation day - to be fair, you’d forgotten what day it was generally - until the calls from your family started rolling in.

You spent your morning on the phone, thanking relatives for their well wishes, but as everyone lamented the loss of a traditional ceremony on your behalf, he could tell that even though they meant well, the calls weren’t exactly helpful.

He knew that you didn’t want to talk about it, not yet,  and that you wanted to be alone so he encouraged you to go for a walk with Duke around the neighborhood. He sent you off with a kiss and he was glad to see that you felt better when you returned thirty minutes later. Your shoulders were lifted and your eyes were lighter as you watched Duke settle onto the couch for a nap after his adventure but your movements were still sluggish as you wandered around the house in search of something - anything - to entertain you.

In an effort to keep you out of the backyard for just a little longer, he guided you to the couch and encouraged you to take a nap with Duke, to cuddle up and watch television - binge something now that you were officially done with school and had time to properly enjoy it without the guilt of putting off schoolwork. It was easy, getting you to settle in, and he felt his heart break slightly as he watched you fight tears.

He took a little over an hour to finish decorating the backyard, each piece of his elaborate plan falling into place finally, before he returned to the living room. The first thing that Calum saw was you, curled up on the couch beneath a heavy blanket a friend had given you for Christmas, with Duke lying on your stomach and tears in your eyes as you watched a scene that would have pulled a few tears from you, already sad or not.

He bit back a laugh, both at your emotional investment in the show and at Duke’s annoyed huff as you made a noise at the scene, before he crossed the living room and kneeled down beside the couch. He waited a second, just until the credits began to roll, before pausing the television and nudging your shoulder.

“You okay, love?”

His words were soft, quiet in the still air of the living room, and he knew that the answer was no but, as expected, you nodded. “I’ve never seen this episode. All the good characters are leaving the show,” you answered, a pout on your lips as you shifted to glance at him.

He smiled, a barely there quirk of his lips, and shook his head before he stood from beside the couch and offered you his hand. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air. Give you time to process those feelings before you start another episode,” he teased, a grin on his lips as he watched you lift Duke and place him back onto the blanket as soon as you were out from under it.

“I don’t want to keep watching but I’m too invested in the story to stop now,” you mumbled, your voice muffled as you wrapped your arm around Calum’s and leaned into his side.

“You want me to hate watch it with you? I’ve been told my commentary’s excellent.”

“Your commentary is excellent, when it’s directed at the boys and not my television shows. Only I’m allowed to make fun of how bad it is. Deep down, I still love it,” you defended, a laugh leaving your lips as you followed Calum out into the backyard. He stopped, right by the door, and it took you a moment longer than it should have to notice. But when you finally lifted your head, confused as to why he’d paused before you made it to the swing, you were awed by what you saw.

The backyard had been transformed. Calum’s laptop sat on the table near the swing, a Zoom call open with the boys and family - both yours and his -, and beside it sat a box from your favorite bakery. There were balloons and string lights and shiny black and gold confetti littering the area and it brought tears to your eyes as you took in the amount of work Calum had done to give you some kind of celebration.

“It’s not the same, I know,” he began, gently tugging you closer to the setup, “but you deserve a celebration. You worked hard for your degree and I’m sorry you don’t get a traditional ceremony but we’re all really proud of you. Is this okay?”

It was hard to answer his question with the tears threatening to spill so you nodded and threw your arms around his neck in a tight hug. “Thank you,” you whispered, your voice low as you tried to fight your emotions, and Calum nodded his acknowledgement as he gave you a smile.

Although it wasn’t the traditional ceremony, far from it, the graduation that you got was one that you knew you’d never forget. Your families didn’t stay long, only long enough to watch Calum hand you a rolled up piece of paper with a wide grin and for you to toss your cap into the air after turning your tassel, but the boys and their respective girls - and Mali - stuck around after to celebrate.

“We’re all really proud of you,” Ashton commented, a smile on his lips as he watched the others nod their agreement. “You’ve worked really hard and this isn’t the party we wanted to throw you but it’ll have to do for now. It was really inspiring to watch you put your all into getting your degree and all of your hard work has paid off.  I’m excited to see what you do next because I know it’s going to be amazing. Congratulations!”

“When we’re allowed to see each other again, we’ll do something fun,” Michael agreed, “but for now, just know that we knew you’d get your degree and put us dropouts to shame.” Michael’s comment was teasing, he had a grin on his lips as he raised his drink in a toast, and Calum muttered a faux-offended ‘hey!’ by your side. “Seriously, we’re really proud of you and happy for you. Congratulations!”

“I don’t know what I can say that they haven’t already said,” Luke laughed, “but it’s worth repeating that this is an accomplishment and we’re really proud of you. You did it! You graduated college! I’m not going to ask what your plans are now because no one has any plans right now but I know that whatever you do next, you’ll do it just as well. Congratulations!”

You leaned into Calum’s side, a wide smile on your lips, as you watched them all toast to your graduation. It was surreal, celebrating such an event via video call, but you were grateful for your friends as they all shared stories and jokes with the goal of making you laugh in mind. You spent nearly two hours chatting with them, your mood lifting significantly, before it came time to end the call.

When the last person was gone, Calum turned to you and offered a sincere smile. “I hope that made missing graduation at least a little easier. I know it was hard on you but you achieved something amazing and I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you,” you repeated, your heart light for the first time in weeks. “I was really upset about having to miss the ceremony but I think this more than makes up for it. Except I’ll be really glad to get my actual diploma, not a-“ you paused, taking a quick glance at the paper Calum had used, “oh my god, Cal! Not an instruction booklet that came with your awful wifi router.”

“Hey, it was the only paper I could find,” he defended, laughing just as hard as you as he realized what he’d handed you in lieu of your diploma. “But I’m glad this was a suitable stand-in. Michael was joking but it really is impressive. I dropped out of high school and here you are, getting your degree. You never let anything get in the way of achieving your goal and I’m really proud of you for working so hard.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“I do,” Calum nodded, a soft smile on his lips as you leaned in closer to him, “and I love you, too. Congratulations, love.”

In the end, you never could’ve predicted your graduation would end up turning out this way but the love and support from your friends and family, and from Calum, made your nontraditional graduation one that you would never forget.

___________________________________________________

Author’s Note: Yesterday should’ve been my graduation day. I technically did receive my MA but there was no ceremony. Even though I’ve already experienced one college graduation, having to miss this one hit me really hard and I spent yesterday in a bit of a funk. But, as I said, I’ve already had one college graduation so I consider myself lucky. To the class of 2020 experiencing their first graduation, I’m really sorry things didn’t turn out the way you were expecting. Just know that everyone is incredibly proud of you and it’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get a ceremony. I hope this is at least a little comforting. This isn’t the best but my mental health has been on the decline, as has my writing. I, of course, don’t mean to make light of the situation. I understand why graduations were cancelled,  I really do. But I still felt a loss and know that I’m not alone. So, to the class of 2020, congratulations and good luck on your future endeavors. I believe in you!

Tag List (like this post or message me if you want to be added!) : @toolazymyguy , @irwinkitten , @jamieebabiee , @glittersluke , @spicycal , @lusbaby , @everyscarisahealingplace, @brokenvirtualheartcollector , @if-it-rains-it-pours, @blisshemmings , @calumscalm , @lovemenowseemenever , @ijustreallylovezebras , @rhiannonmichelle, @p0laroidpictures , @tomscuddles , @loverofmineluke , @harrytreatspeoplewithkindnesss , @blueviiolence , @loveroflrh , @empathycth , @luckyduckydoo , @tobefalling , @bandsandbooksaremykink , @watch-how-she-burns , @megz1985, @wokeupinaustralia , @lucidlrh , @canterburyfiction , @cal-is-not-on-branding , @t-i-n-y-d-i-n-o , @jaacknaano , @findingliam-o , @mindkaleidoscope​ , @idk-who-i-am-anymore1 , @sammyrenae68 , @flowerthug , @calumsphile , @caitdaniels, @drummerboy794 , @writingfortoomanyfandoms , @x-lover-of-mine-x , @miliefayy , @sunaaii , @canterburyfiction , @sebrox40 , @nati-nn , @opheliaaurora23 , @bitterbethany , @sunnysidesblog​ , @333-xx​ , @thesubtweeter​

[areluctantsblog]

Teacher!Tony wrong number au - part 3

part 1

part 2

I’ve made an edit for this, I think it reflects the mood of the first few chapters (there will be texts, too)

Tony’s surprised to feel unusually restless all through Monday morning. It’s not until the end of lunch-break, while he’s walking towards his classroom that he manages to pinpoint the feeling as impatience. Once this realisation hits him, he doesn’t need to look much further for an explanation. Part of it sits in his briefcase and the other part most likely still in the cafeteria. Tony sighs, but cannot quite supress a smirk as the memory of texting with Peter Parker resurfaces in his mind. It’s been the funniest thing that has happened to him in years. And the most distracting, when it came to grading homework.

A small voice in the back of his mind tells Tony that he shouldn’t have enjoyed the whole thing nearly as much as he had, but he managed to silence it the night before and he sure isn’t going to dwell on it right before meeting the boy. Anyway, what is there to worry about? It was an accident and a very entertaining one at that. He couldn’t resist letting the boy in on the joke. It’s not as if Tony has saved his number or planning to go on texting him.

He’s already sitting at his desk when he realises that he’s arguing with himself about the very thing he was going to put out of his mind. He shakes his head and flips through his notes for the class just as the bell rings and the first early students start entering the classroom. Peter isn’t among them. Tony is confused to feel his stomach churn and his heart beat hard against his chest. Yes, he feels impatient to see the boy, but only to see Peter’s reaction to the foolish joke Tony’s bored and tired brain came up last night. There is nothing, nothing to warrant being anxious about seeing the boy.

And yet, when Peter enters, Tony feels safer to remain seated. He’s not sure at all if his legs would support him. When their eyes meet for the tiniest fraction of a second, it takes all the experience of Tony’s 42 years to fight back the blush that threatens to spread on his face. Peter’s not so good at hiding his feelings. He turns an adorable shade of pink as he walks towards his desk. Tony lets his gaze linger on the boy for a few seconds, but he’s all too aware of Leeds watching his every move. He’s the least subtle of the three of them, but there is no surprise there. Still, Tony is grateful that he doesn’t make a scene starting to whisper to Peter the moment they are seated.

Tony is lost, unable to make sense of the unexpected sensations that have flooded his body, nor the unease that is evident from Peter’s stance. This isn’t even close to what Tony expected. He imagined maybe sharing a private smile and then going on about things as usual. Instead, they both seem mortified in the presence of the other and the idea that maybe unintentionally he messed up and made Peter uncomfortable hits Tony hard. Suddenly, he would do anything to get some reassurance that Peter is all right, but the boy’s eyes are fixed on his desk. Tony clears his throat, desperate to keep his voice normal despite his anxiety. He tells the class their topic for the day and that he’s going to hand back out previous week’s assignments before the end of the period.

Tony has no idea how he gets through the next 40 minutes. He doesn’t remember ever being so distracted during a lesson. It says something about his genius that he doesn’t make any blatant mistakes, but it’s bad enough that he has to clear his throat to gather his thoughts every five minutes. Peter looks at the blackboard and somehow manages to even look at him without meeting his eyes once. Tony wouldn’t be able to guess which of them is more on edge. But they’ve got no reason, none whatsoever… It’s not as if they’ve done something…

Tony’s voice breaks. That was the last thing he needed on his mind. He takes a deep breath to centre himself. He realises that he has no idea of what he was saying. He wraps up best he can and decides to give the class a problem to work on. If he expected, however, that it would be easier for him to sit silently at his table while the kids work, he was deadly wrong. The minute he stops his lecture, his mind is flooded with anxious thoughts about how he fucked up and probably hurt one of his students. What’s worst is that whatever damage he’s done won’t stop there, because Tony is a stupid, reckless, irresponsible man who was completely out of his mind last night and when he got too bored to continue grading, picked up Peter’s messy homework and… Shit, how could he be so childish? There’s no turning back now, though. It’s ten minutes to the end of the period, so Tony tells himself to get a grip on himself and stand up.

Even through all the anxiety, his brain registers Peter putting his pen down the very second Tony decides to stand. He doubts he barely even moved yet. The realisation that the boy is so tuned in to him sends a shudder down Tony’s spine. He makes a silent vow that if he survives this period, he’ll never to do anything remotely reckless in his life again. Slowly the rest of the class notices that their teacher stood up and start lifting their gazes. Tony tells them to finish the problem at home if they haven’t solved it yet. He tries to ignore the satisfied smile flashing across Peter Parker’s face as he puts away his notebook, but he can’t help feeling a bit proud, too.

“So,” he begins, voice annoyingly hoarse. “Most of you have done all right on last week’s assignment, but I suggest you all read up a bit more on the topic to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I wouldn’t neglect today’s topic either. You will need to use both in the end of term project. If you have any questions, come find me after class or whenever,” he says while walking around, handing out papers. All along he’s acutely, painfully aware of Peter Parker’s presence. It’s almost as if the boy’s attention worked as some sort of gravitational force on him.

When Tony finally reaches p in the alphabet, his arms go numb and weightless at the same time, as if detached from his body. Miraculously, he doesn’t drop any of the papers and he even manages to offer a silent “well done” to Parker when he hands him his homework. Peter doesn’t look at him and Tony doesn’t linger, but standing so near him, he gets a hunch of what the boy’s feeling. To his surprise, Peter doesn’t seem angry, nor disgusted. What is the problem, then? It confuses Tony to no end.

He hurries to finish handing out the papers before Peter reaches the fifth page of his homework and sees what Tony’s done. Tony returns to his desk and risks a glance towards the boy. He’s turning to look at the last page, problem number 5, just as the bell rings and everyone gets out of their seats, hiding Peter from his view. Tony sighs and tries to convince himself that it doesn’t matter. Yet, it takes all his resolve not to follow Peter around with his eyes as he gathers his stuff and walks to the door closely flanked by his friend. Tony only allows himself a quick glance when the boy is already out of the door, but of course Peter turns around that exact moment and looks him straight in the eye. Tony’s astonished to see his face light up in the brightest smile he has ever seen on him.

The boy walks away, and Tony buries his face in his hands. He’s exhausted from the multitude of sensations that coursed through his body in the past hour. Even as he sits there, finally alone in the empty classroom, he feels shame, anger, excitement, but also a trace of relief. Grateful that he has no more classes for the day, Tony takes his time gathering his things and walking out to the parking lot. All he wants is to get as far away from the school as possible. Or is it Peter he’s so desperate to escape? Or better still, is it his own stupidity?

His wishes don’t seem to be so easily granted, however. He doesn’t even reach his car before his phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket with some trepidation and his fears are confirmed when he sees the message.

The temptation of doing something stupid, like admitting how much he enjoyed their texting is overwhelming, but Tony manages to rein in his treacherous brain. Still, he can feel self-loathing clench tight around his insides. Couldn’t he have said something less… less… Couldn’t he have said less, period?

There’s no harm in telling the boy that. He aced that assignment and no one else had. There’s nothing wrong texting him something that he could have told him in front of the whole class. Except that he didn’t and now, when he sees the replying “Um, thanks, Mr Stark” he can literally see the blush creeping up on the boy’s cheeks. It’s then that Tony knows that he’s fucked, and he barely resists stomping on his phone right there in the parking lot. But he promised himself not to be reckless, and he is polite, so he types out “Sure. Have a nice afternoon”, throws the phone on the backseat as he sits in and revs his engine up.

Sooo, Tony’s POV. Let me know what you think about it/him. I’m happy to say that I’ve got some more written for this fic (and much more planned out), but the next update won’t follow quite as soon as this one has.

Thanks for all of you who stuck around and welcome, new readers :)

Also, you might have noticed that I’ve made Tony a bit younger than canon. I’m still deciding on Peter’s exact age, but for the moment he’s definitely underage, so fair warning (which I should have added before).

Edit (08-02-2018) Part4's been out for a few days and Part5 is coming soon ;)

10-02-2019: Part5

[sunflowerseedsandscience]

Someday Your Child May Cry

Previous: Question | Preparations | Irrational | Confession | Collateral | Thoughtless | Interrupted | Recovering | Irresponsible | Possibility | Devastation | Confrontation | Generous | Confirmation

15. Understanding

They reach a cease-fire of sorts on their return to the office on Monday, though very few words are exchanged about it. Mulder tries to apologize the moment Scully walks in the door in the morning, but she stops him immediately.

“I’m in no way ready to let this go or move on from it, Mulder,” she says, “but the fact remains that we need to work together, and this building isn’t an appropriate place to discuss this.” He nods meekly. “We’ve gotten the X-Files back, but you and I both know that if we can’t do our jobs, for any reason, this office won’t stay ours for very long.”

He’s tempted to push the matter- he’s been practicing his apology all weekend long- but he’s well aware that he’s on extremely thin ice with her right now. He has some idea that on Friday afternoon she had probably come as close to quitting as she ever has before, and it wouldn’t take more than a few wrong words from him to push her out of the door for good.

So he clams up, helps her finish setting their office back to rights, and even takes the very first case that she suggests, even though he’s not really sure that it qualifies as an X-File- or that it’s a good idea, at the moment, given what the case will require from both of them. By Wednesday, they’re on a plane to California, dressed in unfamiliar clothing, with unfamiliar suitcases stuffed with more of the same, on their way to the sort of neighborhood that Mulder would never, in a million years, want to live in.

He can’t stop fiddling with the wedding band on his left hand. The feel of it is at once familiar and foreign, and he keeps running his fingers over it again and again. He thinks that Scully might tell him to knock it off, that he’s drawing unnecessary attention to it, if it weren’t for the fact that she’s been fast asleep for most of the trip. It’s not unusual for her to sleep in the car, and their flight is early, so he’s not surprised she sleeps on the way to the airport... but she almost never manages to nap during flights, so when she spends both legs of the trip to California snoring, he starts to become a little concerned, especially when she dozes on and off the whole time he’s driving them to the Falls at Arcadia. But when his questions are met with the standard “I’m fine, Mulder,” he lets it drop.

The entire time they’re in Arcadia, Mulder can’t stop putting his hands all over her- at least, not when other people are around. They’ve been so distant from each other for weeks, leaving him starved for her touch, and now, he’s been provided with an innocent reason to seek it out. In fact, touching her is almost a requirement, as the residents of Arcadia will almost certainly notice if they don’t look like a normal, happy couple. He senses, however, that Scully doesn’t appreciate his affections at all, a fact that’s hammered home for him when she kicks him out of “their” bed and sends him downstairs to the couch.

He goes without protest. He knows he’s still on thin ice.

------------------------------------

The feel of another presence in the bedroom is what wakes Scully on their last night in the mammoth cookie-cutter house. Even though the case has been resolved, the events of the previous evening have left her jumpy, especially since she’s still sleeping in the bedroom where she’d seen the creature attacking Big Mike. She’d cleaned the room up as best as she could, with Mulder’s help, but still, she’d rather not be sleeping here tonight.

She senses more than sees Mulder sitting on the side of her bed, and immediately, she’s annoyed. She’d made it clear to him that he should keep his distance, so what the hell does he think he’s doing, sneaking in here and watching her sleep? She sits up, ready to tell him off, but he speaks before she gets the chance.

“She wanted to have a child and I didn’t,” he says, his voice soft and sad. “That was what ended us. Or one of the reasons, anyway.” He sighs. “We never should have been together in the first place. Not really.” As tempted as Scully still is to send him packing, it’s the most he’s opened up to her about this so far, and she’s hesitant to stop him. She gets the feeling that he finds it easier to talk about this in the dark, so she doesn’t turn on the light on the nightstand.

“Why didn’t you want to have a baby?” she asks.

“A few reasons,” he says. “I was working under Patterson in VCU back then, profiling, spending all of my time trying to get inside the heads of the absolute worst that society had to offer. Part of me didn’t feel right bringing a child into a world where monsters like that existed. And there was my own childhood, of course... the fear that I guess everyone who grew up unloved has, the fear of turning into my own father.” 

Scully can’t help herself. As angry as she is, she needs to touch him. She reaches out and feels for his shoulder in the dark, running her hand comfortingly along his arm. He reaches up and takes her hand in his own.

“Don’t you still have those fears, Mulder?” she asks. “It’s not like you’ve seen anything to make you think that the world is any safer, since your days in violent crimes.”

“No, I haven’t,” he agrees. “But that was only part of my reason. When it came down to it... it was her I didn’t want to have children with, Scully. We rushed into the marriage- my fault, more than anything, because I was lonely and desperate and wanted to believe that someone cared about me- but if we had waited long enough, I wouldn’t have married her.” In the dim light from the bedroom window, she can see him hanging his head. “Eventually I started to get this feeling about her... this sense of coldness, aloofness, selfishness, a sense of detachment. I started noticing that we never actually compromised, that we always ended up doing things her way, but that she always managed to make me think we were compromising.” He sighs. “I started realizing that none of those things were traits I wanted in someone I would be raising a child with. And eventually... I realized I didn’t want to share my life with someone like that, either. We divorced, she went to Europe, and that was the last I saw of her until last June.”

“If you really felt that way about her, Mulder,” Scully says, “why was it so hard for you to believe me? Why were you so insistent on trusting her?”

“Because I wanted so badly to believe that she still cared for me, Scully,” he says. “Almost everyone in my life has died, left me, or betrayed me. Can you understand why I didn’t want to think that Diana was just one more person who had abandoned me?” He squeezes her hand tighter. “I’m so sorry, Scully. I should have listened. You are the one person in my life who has never, ever let me down. You deserve better from me than what I’ve given you.”

It’s that phrase- what he’s given her- that thaws her, because she’s struck, suddenly, with the full realization that he doesn’t know what he’s given her. And she can’t let it stay that way. She moves to sit next to him and takes him in her arms, letting his head fall against her shoulder. She can feel his tears on her neck, feel him relax in relief against her, and she kisses the skin just below his ear before she draws back.

“Mulder,” she says, “I need to tell you something, too.” She takes a deep breath. “I think that this time... it worked.” 

For a moment, he doesn’t understand what she’s saying... but even in the dim light, she can see the moment that the realization dawns, the moment his face is flooded with joy.

“You’re-”

“I’m pregnant,” she says, her voice breaking with emotion. “We’ll get the real confirmation at my appointment next week, but....” She smiles tentatively. “I took a test, Mulder, and it was positive. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I told myself I was just waiting until the doctor confirmed it, but really, I was just so angry that I couldn’t make myself-” He cuts her off, there, by seizing her face in his hands and pressing his lips to hers. He kisses her fiercely, passionately, and she can feel his need for her thrumming in every inch of her body.

“Scully,” he says hoarsely, when they finally break apart. “Oh my god. Scully.” He kisses her again... and then laughs ruefully.

“What?” she asks.

“I just realized,” he chuckles. “This is just like before... just like at Christmas. We can’t- I mean, not that I was assuming that we would, but if we wanted to, we can’t... not until after your appointment, right?”

“No, we can’t,” she says, smiling. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t stay here with me tonight, does it?” He grins.

“No, it doesn’t,” he says. Still smiling, Scully tucks herself back under the covers, holding them open in invitation. Mulder climbs in next to her, taking her in his arms and holding her tenderly against his bare chest. She inhales deeply, filling herself with his scent, luxuriating in it.

She’s asleep within minutes.

[pitubea1910]

Strawberries

Pairing:  Tony Stark x Reader

Featuring: none

Words: 1498

Warnings: none I think

Tags: @gingie4life

Request: requested by @gingie4life:

“Hello, would love a Tony Stark reader best friends fic that's like work husband wife relationship, that maybe turns into something more. Maybe Tony takes the first move kinda deal. Thanks.”

Notes: sorry it took me so long! Uni got me really really busy, probably you already forgot about the request but I hope you like it!

Roller coaster. That was the best way to describe the past year of your life. Somehow, a year ago, Tony Stark itself showed up at the company where you used to work demanding you to work with him. He didn’t even ask. He just told you to do so. At the beginning you weren’t too sure about working with him. He had a name and a reputation behind him so of course it made you hesitate. At the same time, you knew it was the opportunity of your life so that same week you signed your resignation letter and left the job you had been doing for the past five years.

It was a huge step, and huge change. Specially, when you found out you weren’t going to work for Stark Industries, you were going to work for the Avengers. When you first found out about it fear was all you felt as you remembered all the chaos caused in New York and so many other places because of them. Yet, when you thought about it, you saw a chance to make a difference, to make the world a better place. Maybe the caused chaos, but it was their work and it had to be done. Immediately, you signed your contract. Tony had you move there the moment you signed your contract since it was safer. You used to live alone so you didn’t have a single complain about it.

Ever since, the Avengers had become your family and the Avengers Tower had become your home. You loved your work at the lab with Tony. What did you do? Well, you were an engineer so your work was create or improve the team’s weapons and suits. You loved it. And they were so happy with your job and with you. Some of them were sceptical with someone new at the beginning, especially Bucky, but you ended up making your way through him eventually and at that point he was like a big brother to you. An overprotective one, you had to admit. But you loved him and you loved every single one of them.

“Morning Tony” you said walking a Monday morning into the lab with two cups of coffee. “You spent the night here again?” You asked as you saw the rings under his eyes.

“I had to” he said taking the cup you offered. “Thanks, love” he said.

You smiled a little. It had been a time since the pet names between you two became a thing. It started out accidentally but now you were both used to it, and you liked it. It made you feel special somehow.

“You have to sleep, Tony” you said sitting at your usual spot.

“Sleeping is overrated. The sooner I figure this out, the sooner we defeat that freak” Tony sighed.

You had spent a week now trying to figure out how to defeat a guy who could create breaches and move to whenever he wanted. It looked cool, but it became a problem when he suddenly appeared behind anyone on the team and attacked from behind. Not funny.

“And what will happen when you fall asleep while you’re flying?” You asked raising an eyebrow.

“Unlikely” he replied turning again to the screen.

You shook your head as you watched him work all focused. It was true that you had become close to everyone in the team but it was more with Tony. You had been his protégée from the very first day you started working there. Soon, you had found yourself trusting that man with your problems and fears, with your life and stories. With everything. Eventually, he opened up to you as well. By that time, you two knew each other better than anyone else in the team. You had a special connection that no one else shared.

So you knew better than talking him out of keep on working. He wouldn’t sleep until he found a solution and you knew the only way to get it done was helping him, so you put the coffee down and turned on the computer, opening all the files with the data you had about this guy.

“The world is crazy” you sighed as you read all over the info again.

The morning went by quite fast and before you knew it, your stomach was asking for food so you got up and headed towards the kitchen to make sandwiches for you and Tony. Meanwhile, you thought it would be a good idea to make a milkshake as well so you opened the fridge looking for the strawberries but they were nowhere to be seen. That was weird considering you bought them yesterday.

“Stark” you mumbled and closed the fridge before going back to the lab. “Tony! Where are my strawberries?” You asked the moment you walked into the room.

“3 am cravings. Sorry not sorry” he said not looking up from the screen.

“Couldn’t you just tell me?” You asked crossing your arms.

“I forgot” he shrugged looking at you with a small smile. “Sorry, I’ll buy more later today ok?” He said with an innocent smile. You rolled your eyes and left the lab once again. You knew he wasn’t going to buy any strawberries anytime soon.

Like you had planned, you made a sandwich for each one of you but this time you didn’t put mayo on his, knowing he really really liked his sandwiches with mayo. You put his plate next to him and went back to work.

“(Y/N)?” You looked at Tony when he called your name. He was holding his food. “Where’s the mayo?” He asked.

“12 p.m. craving. Sorry not sorry” you said smirking.

“You ate all the mayo!?” He asked horrified.

“No, but I craved not to put it on your sandwich” you replied trying your best not to laugh.

“But…I love mayonnaise…” he mumbled.

“And I love strawberries” you shrugged before turning to your screen once again.

You knew you were overreacting but it was the only way Tony would actually listen to you. Suddenly, you heard him getting up. When you looked up, you saw him walking out of the lab with the sandwich on his hand. That was weird. You imagined he would be back soon so you just went back to your work.

But it took him longer than expected to come back and when he did he was carrying a big wooden box that was put next to you.

“What the fuck?” You asked as you looked at him.

“I’m sorry” he said uncovering the box.

When you saw what was into the box you started laughing. He had bought a stupid amount of strawberries just for you as an apology. This man had no filter.

“Can I have mayo now?” He asked.

“Did you really buy all these so I would put mayo on your sandwich? Wouldn’t it have been easier go to the kitchen and get some yourself?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe but it tastes better when you do it” he shrugged before going back to his work.

You smiled warmly while you looked at him. He may get on your nerves many times but there were no sweeter man than him in the whole world. With a smile, you took the box and went to the kitchen having no idea what you were supposed with so many strawberries. Probably a cake. Or many milkshakes. For starters, you made another sandwich for Tony, with mayo this time and also a milkshake for each one of you.

“Here” you said going back to the lab. “Extra mayo” you told him with a wink.

He looked at you the whole time until you sat down and even then he didn’t look away from you. Eventually, you forced yourself to look at him since he didn’t stop staring.

“What?” You laughed.

Silently, he got up from his spot and approached you. He kneeled down in front of you so he was at your height, took your face and kissed you slowly, out of nowhere and catching you completely with your guard down. It was true you had feelings for him, it was true the whole team had told you Tony had them too, that you two were already like a couple and sometimes like a married one, but you didn’t believe them. Until that moment which was too short. Soon he pulled away.

“What was that for?” You asked as he went back to his chair.

“I love you” he shrugged typing away. “I thought you knew, I just wanted it to be clear” he added.

Hearing those three words from him made you melt. Slowly, you got up and pushed him away from the computer just to sit on his lap and kiss him again. This time, he wrapped his arms around your waist, kissing you back.

“What was that for?” He asked when you pulled away. You shrugged smiling.

“I love you too”, you replied.

[writersriot]

The Outsiders Queer Subtext ft. Jally - Part 17

Monday, May 1, 2017

Sorry for the long absence! My usual update is stuck in my drafts lol so I’m writing a fairly quick insert to talk about the Greasers and the Socs as portrayed in the book.

Ponyboy is walking with Johnny, Two-Bit, and Cherry and Marcia after the movies. Pony is realizing that the Socs seem to be just like the Greasers.

It seemed funny to my that Socs -- if these girls were any example -- were just like us. They liked the Beatles and thought Elvis Presley was out, and we thought the Beatles were rank and that Elvis was tuff, but that seemed the only difference to me. Of course greasy girls would have acted a lot tougher, but there was a basic sameness. I thought maybe it was money that separated us. (Pg 37-38)

Now I think this is really interesting coming from Ponyboy. He’s fourteen (14!! Not 13! lol) and he still goes to school with Johnny, so he sees the Socs in that environment, away from the neighborhood rumbles. He seems to think that it’s mostly attitude and money that separates Greasers and Socs.

And I think about Darry sometimes, how he played sports and had Soc friends. I think Darry could have easily been a Soc, despite living in a Greaser neighborhood. The Curtis parents were a point of stability for the whole gang, so we know the Curtis boys have been in the gang for quite a while. I wonder what the parents thought of the fighting and everything, if they tried to keep their boys out of trouble or just let it happen because in a way, it was safer to have friends as backup in that neighborhood.

So what if the Curtis’ had more money and lived in a better part of town? Would all the kids have been more likely to be Socs? If their parents hadn’t died, Darry would have been playing sports, maybe going to college. Soda would still be in school, not feeling like the only thing he can do is work to help Darry support them. And Ponyboy wouldn’t be so stressed at such a young age. Money couldn’t have kept their parents alive, but maybe it could have made living without them a little easier. I don’t know.

So is it just money that separates Greasers from Socs? Cherry doesn’t think so.

“No,” Cherry said slowly when I said this. “It’s not just money. Part of it is, but not all. You greasers have a different set of values. You’re more emotional. We’re sophisticated -- cool to the point of not feeling anything. Nothing is real with us. You know, sometimes I’ll catch myself talking to a girl-friend, and realize I don’t mean half of what I’m saying. I don’t really think a beer blast on the river bottom is super-cool, but I’ll rave about one to a girl-friend just to be saying something.” She smiled at me. “I never told anyone that. I think you’re the first person I’ve ever really gotten through to.”

She was coming through to me all right, probably because I was a greaser, and younger; she didn’t have to keep her guard up with me. (Pg 38)

I just have to laugh for one second that Ponyboy is not even close to being a threat to Cherry. A fourteen-year-old Dally would have been a very different story. So I just want to say how much I love soft Pony and Johnny, okay? I mean, they’re tough but they’re also Soft and I love them both.

As an important aside, Cherry describes talking to her girl-friends just to talk, pretending she likes something just because that’s what they all do. Now, she means it as an example of how the Socs don’t feel anything and barely care about anything. But I see it as having another level of meaning.

How much of our teenage years do people spend pretending to like something or be a certain way just to impress or be liked by others? I feel like that’s a basic tenant of high school life no matter how much we might try to be ourselves. And if someone like Cherry pretends in her everyday life, how can we say who else is pretending or not?

‘Cause you know who ends up pretending or just trying to be like others more often than not? Queer people. Especially baby queers who may only have an inkling that they’re different and that might scare them. I know I did this, pressured into relationships, as did many queer kids I knew at the time. So many people think they’re straight because it’s the only option they know, especially in this generation growing up in the 60s. Thank you, heteronormativity. I just wanted to point that out, to consider in the whole of the book. Especially when Ponyboy as the narrator is fallible and may not fully understand all the dynamics of the gang.

(I could imagine a shy, quiet Johnny just starting to realize his feelings in how he idolizes Dally, while Dally is like “fuck no” all as he is dying over Johnny’s existence.)

So anyway, according to Cherry, the Socs are cool and emotionless while the Greasers run hot and feel everything. The Socs have money, have privilege, have anything they could want so that means they have a difficult time finding meaning in anything. That’s the basis of why Socs get into trouble, fucking shit up and fighting. The Greasers really have nothing but each other, so that’s what they fight for because no one else will do it. They don’t have money, they barely have family outside their gangs, so all they can do is rail against the world.

That was the truth. Socs were always behind a wall of aloofness, careful not to let their real selves show through. I had seen a social-club rumble once. The Socs even fought coldly and practically and impersonally.

“That’s why we’re separated,” I said. “It’s not money, it’s feeling -- you don’t feel anything and we feel too violently.” (Pg 38)

I want to call a little bit of BS here just because money and the following privilege is a huge part of how the Socs and Greasers live every day. It’s in how they are raised by their socialite parents to have everything except maybe what they really need to care about, like love. It’s in how they might have nothing but a group of friends to watch their back, and how they will throw down everything for love of their chosen families.

It’s a stereotype that money and privilege beget this cool, aloof behavior of not caring about stuff, but here it seems to have some truth to it. And we know people who struggle every day for every little thing they have can be some of the most empathetic and giving people. I see a lot of this in these characters. I want to say Socs fight to maybe feel something while Greasers fight to numb themselves. It’s a fascinating dichotomy that still exists in various ways today.

And I can’t leave this comparison without talking about Dally. So knowing this is what Pony thinks about Greasers, how they feel too much too violently. . .what I want to know once again is why does this kid think Dallas Winston is a cold, emotionless bad guy? I mean, yes the seventeen-year-old acts like he’s seen and experienced everything, and hell, maybe he has. He fucks shit up and rolls little kids because it’s all he knows. Out of all the gang, he probably causes the most trouble. So by Pony’s reasoning here, that would likely mean Dally feels more than anyone else. He’s been through so much shit from such an early age, and he acts out because he can’t handle it. I just. I’ve said this all before and I’ll say it again, but I can’t with Dally. I love him. He is not Soft like Johnny, but he is Tough in a way that makes me want to protect him. Dally is Tough because inside he is vulnerable and Soft.

Yet Pony seems to think Dally cares about nothing and no one, when time and again Dally proves the opposite to be true just by how he treats everyone in the gang, especially Johnny. Dally cares, but Pony somehow doesn’t see it?? This is why I can’t necessarily take Pony’s narration seriously because he only sees his part of the story, and the text on the page only hints at the stuff Pony doesn’t experience. So a lot of important reading of The Outsiders depends on the subtext, and catching the hints and extrapolating on what is unsaid as much as what is stated outright. SE Hinton might not be aware of what kind of subtext she was setting up when she wrote this as a teenager. . .but I sure as hell see it and it’s queer af.

That’s all for now. I meant this to be short but it still took me a few hours lol oh well.

Until the next part~

[animatedinsights]

Look Back at WonderCon 2007 -- Day 2 (Saturday)

AS ORIGINALLY POSTED ON LIVE JOURNAL

Look Back at WonderCon 2007 -- Day 2 (Saturday)

Mar. 9th, 2007 at 7:39 PM

[COMMENT: I am SO sorry for the delay in these posts! I went to my doctor this past Monday about getting antibiotics but it turned out she left them off the prescription (it had numbers for two items but only contained one) and it wasn't until TODAY that I got her on the phone she finally called in something. So I have been in much misery since Sunday night. But let's lead back into the great times before we got to that point...]

I actually attended only the afternoon of WonderCon on Saturday. My morning plans consisted of getting up relatively early, actually eating breakfast at the Argent, and leaving the Argent at 9am, riding the Powell and Hyde cable car from downtown all the way to the other end of the line at Fisherman's Wharf, have lunch at a place where I'd made reservations right when they opened, then take the historic F-line streetcar which started across the street from the restaurant back to basically out front the block of the Argent while still making sure I had plenty of time not to be late for the panel I was moderating. You'll notice between this paragraph and my mentions of BART last time that I have this thing for public transit. Then again I've lived in LA for a decade and don't drive which quite frankly confounds everyone I meet.

Eating breakfast at the Argent (which by the way has been bought by Westin and is transitioning to the Westin San Francisco this summer) was a bit of a mistake. Due to all their renovations, they were only offering an overpriced breakfast buffet, no lunch, and cocktails at dinnertime. I knew I'd have to figure out an alternative for Sunday after seeing that bill.

The cable car ride was an incredible experience from beginning to end. I was actually in the back half but fortunately seated as my balance isn't always the best. Given the hills, I think I felt a little safer being enclosed. It was interesting watching how the driver worked with the wooden breaks and how he coordinated with the conductor. We got up to the Wharf before 9:30 which left me to do a little walking and exploring, which was fine as that had been the intent. My lunch reservations at Castignola's (which apparently is the oldest restaurant on the Wharf) were at 11. One thing I hadn't planned on was that the main office for Tower Tours (with whom I would be taking a trip Sunday) was right at the Wharf below Ghiradelli Square; had I known that I might have planned a little differently but I'm not sure. What I also hadn't planned on was it being so windy, which on top of the temperature was a bit much. At one point I even ducked into a Starbucks for a Green Tea Latte just to get out of the wind. I continued to walk all the way past the cruise and ferry pier to Pier 39, where there are a bunch of shops. Here I was not only able to get new batteries for my digital camera but they were kind enough to recycle my old ones; I also picked up a postcard of Moscone Center for my parents. Overall I found Pier 39 very boring though, maybe this is because I'm not a heavy shopper or maybe it reminds me of something I've seen before -- Pike's Place Market in Seattle if it were an outdoor mall. Same type of shops and everything, just California merchandise not Washington State.

I make it back to Castignola's with a half hour to wait until they even open, so I buy a book of letter stamps (need them when I get home anyway) and decide to put a little extra postage on the postcard for my parents. I fill that out and then find there doesn't seem to be a post office box nearby. But then who should appear at Castignola's but the local letter carrier! I politely ask him if he can take it, and he does. Cool.

Castignola's was a nice place, with a friendly staff and good food. Did a shrimp, scallion, and crab leg combo plate. This was the one meal I had budgeted to be my largest because I knew that seafood would cost more. Even with that taken into consideration, the cost was reasonable. The waitress, who was Chinese, told me about everyone getting ready downtown for the Chinese New Year parade (turned out she was jumping the gun about that just a little as I had no trouble getting back). Due to her comments, and the fact I'd lounged in the Wharf area long enough, I just hopped the streetcar back to the Argent. For those who don't know, the streetcar is the same type of vehicle that the old Red Car systems down here used to run on, so now I have an idea of what transit here would have evolved from if everything hadn't been ripped out for cars...

Made it back to the Argent earlier than expected, so I relaxed a little but not too long, and also made sure that I had my mock-up of the final cover of the book (for which the publisher had sent me the art file earlier in the week, and then I mounted in pieces at home and completed at the hotel). Decided to arrive at Moscone in time to go down to the SLG Publishing booth one more time and pick up Issues 3, 4, and 5 of REX LIBRIS to finish the arc and then attend the 2PM panel that preceded ours at 3PM. The panel featured artists currently being shown at the San Francisco Cartoon Art Museum -- Gene Yang, Gene Colan, Linda Medley, and Pia Guerra. A wide diversity of styles and opinions indeed. Also made sure to identify the Con staff member in the room so we could build a rapport for the following hour. Smart move as it made it a lot easier to pick him out later.

And then, after that panel was over, it was our turn.

The Con staffer handed me all the names to put out as I wished (I followed the program and put them alphabetically, which put Adam Beechen closest to me and the podium on the far left of the stage, then Stan Berkowitz, then Dwayne McDuffie, and then Greg Weisman at the end. The alphabet is the great equalizer... heh.) I also put the display board of the book cover between the DVD player on the table -- which we weren't using -- and Adam, as it wouldn't fit with me on the podium. We then proceeded to practically pack the room with probably about 100 people or so (the largest crowd I've ever talked to) and talk shop for an hour, walking the animation process from development to the animation coming back from overseas, which sort of follows the flow of certain chapters in the book but shared the personality and interaction of multiple pros at once versus the spotlight interviews at various portions of my book, GARDNER'S GUIDE TO WRITING AND PRODUCING ANIMATION, which is slated for late April release. So we got the flavor of the book in the panel, while letting it be its own thing. The four guys did great, as for me I can tell places I still need to work on public speaking but as someone highly accustomed to rigid outlines I didn't do half bad.

After our time was done I stayed around for Greg Weisman's spotlight panel moderated by Dan Vado, owner of SLG Publishing (for whom I must again thank for his generosity of letting Greg be with our group as well). Greg mainly wound up talking about GARGOYLES, though in theory the panel was open to anything. Even though I've had chances to interact with Greg, and admittedly knew a fair amount of what was said, there's always that twist that something you could use a good reminder on or something completely new could come out -- like the announcement of the limited issue GARGOYLES: BAD GUYS comic.

I saw Greg briefly after that panel (not that I was looking for him, he found me) and we basically said what I thought would be our goodbyes as I had at that time no plans to be back at the Con Sunday. I was very pleased with the whole day, and even now I'm still happy I went.

Upon returning to the Argent, I discovered that the Chinese New Year parade was happening within the block of the hotel and hung out watching it most of the time, though briefly I had to duck into the Subway down the block for dinner at one point. Interesting mix of the traditional and the commercial, and not everything was Asian or even Asian-themed.

Originally I had planned to try to go out after the parade was over, but watching all those people disperse and realizing I'm a woman alone in San Francisco who got lost in the daytime -- I quickly change my mind and decide this is not a good idea. Had I had someone to go with, I probably would have kept going. But instead I retreated to my room again, knowing I was going to get up early again to check out and go on my 9AM tour.

Several hours later, I wake up. Coughing. I think my throat's just dry and get a drink of water and go back to sleep. Better make that try to go back to sleep. My coughing keeps waking me up, and waking me up. I begin to realize it's going to keep me from going back to sleep. At first it's not as big a deal as I can hear others still returning from the Masquerade, but as it gets later in the night it begins to drive me crazy. I burn through all three of the REX LIBRIS comics and several short stories in the TURN THE OTHER CHICK anthology edited by Esther Friesner that I brought on the plane (one of my finds from last year's WonderCon), making several attempts to sleep between that are short lived. At one point I literally but quietly start pounding on the bed in frustration. I feel for my hotel neighbors, quiet getaway they did not get.

Next rock will pick up at 5:30 AM Sunday morning, with where I went on my tour despite my struggles, how I nearly got seriously lost in San Fran, why I wound up back at Moscone, and late night flight adventures with Mark Evanier...

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW27

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Kane - sorry lad I love you I hope you understand

IN: KUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Ended up following through with the pod discussion of Kane out for Kun. Feels shitty to remove Kane after his absurd cap haul for me last week but he's got a fairly poor on paper fixture followed by a blank so he got the chop instead of Zlatz. I am expecting to play with this forward slot and get Lukaku in for Aguero next week but who cares about next week. Kun for DGW feels a must. Also feels great to have my best friend back in FPL. Maybe I'll keep Kun..who knows. After much deliberation I have decided to not go in on a hit for a City mid. It would be an easier decision if I had a midfielder who doesn't have a game in GW28 but as it is they all do so taking a hit and not captaining a midfielder from City feels like spinning wheels. It's still 2 games in 2 gameweeks for a City mid or any of my other fucks. Hopefully my differential of not taking a hit will be a good thing.

GK: Standard Tom. Ho hum. Kill for an away clean...was so close for one last week until that fucking pen. Good sign they didn't concede from open play. Eh but a clean means a Siggy blank. I don't know what I want. 

DEF: Will be going with Baines, Alonso, and Brunt. Baines bad fixture...still praying for a pen. The one game where I feel actually better to have him than Coleman. Cue a Coleman goal. Alonso standard friend...we'll see what he ends up with. And finally, Brunt. Brunt on the shortest of leashes and will be a candidate for the chop immediately after GW28. We'll see. I'm sure he'll get robbed of an assist again. But, it's a home game, so maybe he'll come in with a big score who knows. 

MID: Not the best on paper fixtures for my midfield quartet this weekend. I'm sticking by Barkley at Spurs and mostly for his game in 28. Hopefully he gets me some points over the next couple of weeks. Mane and Phil go at home to Arsenal...hoping for an open game and a goalfest. Feel pretty good about it. Mane should have a rocket up his ass after a horrendous showing against Leicester on Monday. Finally, the ever reliable Sigmund has Burnley at home. Not expecting that one to have loads of goals but as usual if Swansea do bang any home it is likely that Siggy is involved. He's been great since I got him...hasn't blanked since GW21....he's a classy lad. Will probably hold for a while until the big DGWs and shit. 

FWD: Defoe - come on you little bro. Agonizingly close to that goal last weekend against Everton off the bottom of the bar and out and he's on two straight blanks since I got him. It would be very unsurprising to see him pop up with a brace against City. I feel like he's going to have a nice game for me this weekend. Zlatan comes back off his blank and brace in the Cup final with a tremendous fixture home against Bournemouth. Hoping for some big returns from him. Finally, Kun. What is there to say. DGW Kun it is time. 

*TRIPLE* CAP: TRIPLE CAP KUN. I'm firing on it. Fuck it. I was shouting it on the pod and I'm going to follow the pod and go for 12 point Kun goals. The fixtures are too nice and the form is too great to ignore and I don't want to be backed into a corner later in the season where there are so many unknowns. Sure Zlatan or Alexis feels like a better and safer triple cap on a DGW but who knows maybe they both die within the next two months. In Kun I trust.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: Lukaku and Alli

IN (for -4 points): Kun and Sterling

So I’m all in fuckers. I want Kun to want me and it feels very nice having him back in the squad, especially on a double gameweek. Spoiler alert he’s my captain and I’m gonna rise a million places this week :):):)... Romelu to Kun wasn’t a tough decision for me, we talked about it on the pod too, with Rom @ White Hart Lane his ceiling is very low, and I will just bring him back into my side for Kun next week most likely.

The other transfer is the one I realized after we podded and we didn’t really discuss it at all. But it’s simple as this, transferring someone out who has one fixture between GW27 and GW28 for someone who has two fixtures between the two is simple maths. It makes a -4 a -2 right off the bat, and then add in the fact that Alli has a relatively tough attacking fixture against Everton and Sterling has two bankers, it’s job done. So I have three City guys and one Stoke guy. This is my week I’m telling you. The return of Alon.

GK: Lee Grant double gameweek love. Home ‘Boro the best fixture anyone can have in hopes for a cleansheet.. It would just be sooooo tidy if it started off right because the next match is at the Ethiad.. gimme a clean and a combined like 10 saves between two games.. seems realistic to me :).

DEF: I’m in a 4-4-2 this week but unfortunately not expecting many points from the back. Bainesy is now just a sad player to own despite the terrific returns it feels like a net loss of points every week when Coleman does him in. At Totty pretty awful fixture not much of a shout for a clean but hey who knows maybe this’ll be the week we get a pen. Alonso natural start every week for the rest of the season god legend. Fed Fernandez making his debut in my side with a terrific home banker vs Burnley. Real clean potential here which would be very nice. Knowing life they will not clean but Alfie Mawson will dong since everyone brought him in. And lastly another chance at points in my side for Andy Robertson but at Leicester, is that good anymore? Are they good now? I don’t even know what to expect in this one but I still have some faith in Hull’s overall organization and gameplan.

MID: I’m a proper powder blue Man City fuckboi this weekend and it feels great. New old friend Razza Sterling comes in with the delightful double and joining him is Prince Harry AKA Pure Kev, KDB. A lot of games boys... Maybe KDB will redeem himself after getting me 2 points and 3 points in the two weeks I capped him. Rounding out the mids, Mane is still here. People who are freaking out about making a mistake doing Alexis to Mane need to calm the fuck down. He blanked one week, it was a bad weird game, he’s fine. I’ll still take two Mane games over one Alexis game all day. Back to back homes, he’ll probably score a brace in one of’em, very happy to have Sadio. And lastly Snoddy. I knew at the time of getting Snoddy that I’m just being a dumb bitter fuck by getting him and not Siggy and yep that proved to be exactly right. Siggy is automatic returns every single week and Snoddy is yet to break the duck. But, honestly, whatever, fuck Siggy, he’s on my “to kill” list and will remain there. I’m bad enough rank that holding grudges is something I have the privilege of doing.. Snod home Chelsea, good luck you fuck.

FWD: Only two forwards make this side this GW with the Smashley Barnes red card but they’re two gooooooood ones. Kunny Kun Kun comes in after a long (too long) absence from my squad with the double fuckfest. And Ibra with the maybe best fixture in the league home to a Bournemouth side who cannot NOT concede goals for fun it’s just how they roll. I expect a ton of points here.

*TRIPLE* CAP: SOUND THE ALARMS Y’ALL THE TRIPLE CAP CHIP HAS BEEN PLAYED AND YOU ALREADY KNOWWWWWWWWW IT’S KUN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Walsh made a ton of sound points on the pod and I think he’s spot on. You never really get this lineup of form and fixtures, it’s usually one or the other just by chance. Kun has both. Ridiculously hot fire form and very very good fixtures. It’s time, I believe it is time. I’M BACK BABY.... I hope.