#lilgucci

[shellojello]

The anxiety for my past is more present than any anxiety for my future, which is backwards because by definition anxiety is a future based fear, but I’m twisted in time as if I think hard enough, I can hold on one more time, I can fix whats already happened, or I can see you in my dreams. You will not come. I will not see you. and when I do my chest will heart because I will only want more. 

To want to be held by someone who no longer exists. I always had my favorite pillows when I’d come to sleep over, and your bed... both so comfortable, both in alignment with laying there next to you, comfortable, sweet, and soft. The bed is still soft, but the comfort is really not there. I can’t get up in the morning and I miss your fucking morning energy so much, I miss pulling the cover over my head just to make you smile too. 

Your mom packs me lunch and says its what keeps her going (not entirely because she would keep going if I wasn’t here) but It also disturbs me because while you loved me, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t toxic, it doesn’t mean I didn’t break you. I made you see the future you wouldn’t be able to have? The one with me because your violent outbreaks that you saw no end to. Had you been alone, non of that would have mattered, not in my mind. This time you were fixated on a rope and I don’t understand where it came from, I will never knw where it started, but I can think of when it came aloud, and I get all fucked up and twisted up and I don’t know whose who. 

[imissyoulilgucciv]

I love how positive I am to others, because they don’t know I spill out everywhere when the sun goes down. I am positive when I’m empty, its not always good. Now I think optimism is a huge flaw. A flaw that watched with closed eyes, I didn’t see him go, but I see that he’s not here. 

[ebonycamilled]

#TrapStillBoomin @GucciDaDon_ #LilGucci #Gucci #Gucxi #Rap #Indie #Underground #Soufside #Southside #Atlanta

[lucia-diamonds]

[shellojello]

Today was a good day, the kind of good that I have now, and I went to eat with gus family, its fucking weird to be in his room, and with his family, he has a nice family, and it makes me sad for all the things we could have had and been and his mom agrees, but realistically gus wasn’t letting himself or us have any of that anyways. Things were hard, and we failed to figure them out, maybe there were no answers, and he didn’t trust a doctor, or drugs, and I don’t think was aware ,because I wasn’t even aware of psychotic depression, and these intense moments are so normal for me because of my own family, and so while I worried relentlessly about him, I didn’t quite understand what that worry was holding on to. I know I didn’t tie him up, but I don’t think that had to happen, I really don’t, I just felt like I was unprepared. maybe a month before he died I went to a therapist (free help took a couple weeks to even get in) it was about my situation and I needed some guidance, her focus wasn’t where I needed it to be because of the reason I was even given a therapist which I’m not comfortable disclosing, but she did ask if he ever mentioned suicide, or threatened his own life, which I said yes he has a couple times but he said he wont do it and I trust him, and It was a confident answer. She didn’t question it further, she didn’t seem alarmed. I doubt this would have changed anything but I wish she had pressed further and made me aware of the symptoms and asked me more about his symptoms, and weather or not I had the right answers at that time, I’m not sure, because again so blinded by my own optimism. I can say that wont happen again, and I can say I don’t want to be near anyone anymore.  

[shellojello]

I lied Last one 

I have motivation to be good for myself, good for myself includes reading but also time to breathe, which means when I’m out and about I wont be suffocating, and even better I can be present! but then I think, its too late for all of that, and it doesn’t matter now, and there is no point in doing good for yourself or anyone again because its over and you were not able to when it mattered most. 

[chetko21yasno]

#HUSTLEHardFlava #HHF #LiLGUCCi #YOUNGPimp

[mikeggucci]

He said he wanted to go camping today so here we are. #campingsundays | #dadsrock | #lilgucci | #mw3 | #mikegucci | #gottalive

[bbincind]

BUNG MARK - GUCHAINZ-SPIZZY-Mr_STREZZO - FUCKIN PROBLEM REMIX

[gregcampbelltattoo-blog]

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Lil Bawwsss. #choppy #lilgucci #blessed

[shellojello]

Feeling the anger today,

im going to make a seperate place for all my too much feel, so there wont be walls anymore.

Just back to the usual, just like everyone seems to believe. Just like it is for everyone. Has anyone changed, does anyone care? I feel alone, i dont feel supported. Im not close with anyone or anything anymore, i dont want to be, but i can see how it will become damaging and in a way, where I too make a permanent decision to really not be apart of this shit. This is my new normal thats what they call it. Yea im fucking great. Why even ask whats polite about waiting to talk? The only person i feel support from amd with is gus mom, but im burying myself in the i dont deserve this place, i feel like im walkin on thin ice and we are both very emotionally sensitive.

Im angry at everyones fears. Im angry when i hear the i miss yous, when they can talk, see eachother, im angry that people are worried about someomes picture and how slutty it is, or how mean or crappy someome is because they blah blah

Just fuck. Fuck What is it for. People all agree and yet there it is

[shellojello]

So sorry for these

I cant cry, but i dont feel okay.

I miss you, i try not to kick and scream but my brain automatically wants to fix this, and there is no fixing. I cant do anything. Its like ive returned to my emotionless state if early highschool, really in a fucking haze but unaware of the hell i was headed towards that i am now in. How did this happen…why did it have to happen. Im sorry i let you down. I just want to be camping with you, i want to feel your big hands and smell you and hear you laugh. Ill be disapointed when i wake up. And you will only get further and further away from my routine. I still have moments where i think i can text you, i still get fixated on the phrases we’d laugh at, it happens all day but they are not funny without you. I dont think anything will be funny anymore. I cant really imagine anything feeling good, im eating good now but still loosing weight and i just hope i die in my sleep. Everyones like michelle youre so cute, and nice and blah blah im just so fucking happy and positive, fuck fuck fuck fuxk fuck i dont know how to be any other way, i dont want to be any other way but i feel so fucked up. It will come out.g

[shellojello]

I’m going insane finding too many books everytime I have a thought I want to see what others say, and there are always others. Always free, always accessible because I have internet, and a computer.. so hours go by and im feeling good but then weighs in this pressure that anything I read, or add to my little archive is potentially only distancing me from real space, if you can imagine what real space is. Im not saying I can. I’m saying I’m confused. 

There is the liberating sadness, the embodiment of nothingness, Hyperbolic death, and emotional metabolism? 

It’s not good to be overly consumed by anything, by words, by art, by science, by love, by lust. You will get lost, but what is it to be consumed by nothing? and what is the obsession with being healthy that exists all around me?

Some days I get more confused, like  life exceeds consciousness, but that also isn’t imaginable, like how can a space be aware of itself if it isn’t, and if it isn’t aware how is it existing in a way that is recognizable, in a way that it exists as we know it? So like what does that even look like.  

So sometimes I think Gus is gone forever except what I have left in me (and others but from my perspective I have gus’s family, I have the memories, and I have the gus that has touched and impacted my life that will affect every decision I make) but Gus himself? his “soul” or spirit or whatever, can that exist? Is he really at peace, maybe, but does peace mean he doesn’t recognize anything at all that our consciousness let us recognize, or are we giving our consciousness, our brains too much credit, and its confusing because all the parts are tangled, and it is impossible to separate them. Maybe what I’m saying is a no brainer for some, and I don’t know enough about science but I know people are researching mediums, and the afterlife, and energy and it all leads to something, even that big nothing isn’t alone. 

So I had this dream, I can feel a difference between those real feeling dreams, and the ones I know 100% I am behind whats going on, now even the I becomes confusing to me, so moving along. Then there are dreams where I feel like it isn’t me, and there is no way.... that I don’t have those often, and I had one with gus two nights after he died, and that alone has given me enough to hold onto, to think it isn’t really over, and even though emotionally it never will be, Im not sure what that over really means or is to me. okay moving on again, so last night I got to hear gus, He started talking to me, it was his voice 100% the one I can not project in my waking life at all, I can not make anything in my head have the sound of his voice. Maybe some can, I can not. I woke up instantly, and he was there beside me on the bed smiling and I was so hapy to hear him, I don’t know what he was saying now, but I know how it felt to hear him that way. he brought the lap top over to the bed kind of like we used to, like we’d watch a movie. And we were just laughing and talking like casually, like we used to as well, and then I do remember in between some of that, I stopped and I asked him about the afterlife. I didn’t focus on his death, I didn’t ask about that, but I wanted to know what was happening now, I asked something like if he could come and visit as he wanted to, and he said he could, and then well kinda, he said he was doing laps and could come in between those, he saw my confusion and I also asked if he would get stuck like that, and if it was bad, he simled and shook his head, it was the smile of no silly you are so cute, and familiar to me, said like learning  He then said he was thinking he’d do 30 or so. I didn’t understand that, and I dont’ think there is a time line, but an amount? I never thought of that. he said that wasn’t certain either and he didn’t really know, he would knwo when it was time.  After that I do think my brain took over and we had sex but it wasn’t as real as hearing him, that part literally makes me smile and cry and I cried in my dream too but it was a happy kind of crying. I only cried in the parts that felt unbelievably real. so at some point I woke up, and then I was in gus house and I wrote down what I could remember replaying the words in my head, and then my brother who was gus’s brother (he doesn’t have a human brother in real life) came and said I needed to hurry up and that it was time to go to school. Claudia was taking me, it was like I was in hs or something, I was confused by that, so I woke up again. That time was real and then I did write it all down. it was 6 am and normally when I dream and wake up, I don’t care, and I just go back to sleep. 

oh there was a part at first before asking him about visiting that I did ask something sad, or tell him how much I missed him and I could see empathy in his eyes, but that was all I can remember. 

[shellojello]

explain chemical imbalance

Thinking of going adventuring without you makes me sick, and I’ll remember you are with me. 

So as subtle as my medication is, I don’t think I feel different, but when I don’t take it, my mind starts slipping into this hole where my thoughts become darker, and more hopeless. The same space I was in just before Gus died, The space I was in for 3 years before I reunited with gus, and sought help to quit smoking, and was then introduced to an antidepressant. 

I feel more positive, I feel like I did when I was much much younger (to what I recall doesn’t mean thats true) and I could say doing drugs have affected the chemicals in my brain, so they do not produce the way they “should” but I also believe people who do get addicted to drugs have something going on that makes the difference between those who get addicted/abuse drugs and those who don’t. 

Before I never understood how someone could be imbalanced, even understanding that some people are more likely to be sad just by genetics, because it’s strange to me that our bodies/brains have this set amount of chemicals that are meant to be there regardless of what is there, like how can my body be responding to chemicals it never had? and by never I don’t mean at all, I mean in varied amounts ,as if I was “imbalanced” from the start. 

 but then there is also  lots of say that with the right diet, and exercise, and attitude you can be the happy you, you want to be. and then you have people who really are against medication because there can be some serious bad side affects, or that they seem like a “short cut” and don’t solve anything, or for some, the long term affects are not even known. 

but then wait, if we are genetically prone to being unhappy and then we take medication to replace what our brain couldn’t make in the first place, yet somehow recognizes that it needs to be there, then why would we be okay if we stopped taking it? like your brain will just learn how it feels and then you can feel it without the drugs? then why couldn’t we do that in the first place? I don’t really understand. My doctor talked about taking the medication im on for like a year or 6 months, I’m not sure, and then working on the depression more so that I could do good without it, but like maybe im just impatient, I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem possible to feel certain ways which is why I’m taking it in the first place.

Then ofcorse there is situation depression, or any illness and that is also different, 

So im just confused. 

also found psychedelic spores. so.  

[shellojello]

The day before was so normal, idk why I read these, to torture myself. It was filled with hints of saddness but we both wanted to see eachother, I fell asleep and didn’t wake up so he thought I didn’t want him to come over but I was so tired and sore and my period stared but when I woke up I was more sad I slept and he wasn’t there, and then we just made plans to see each other later, and later never happened. He was being so sweet, and I didn’t know I’d never see him again. I get anxious for my past self, I want to yell at her and tell her what is really going to happen, to hold on tighter, but she isn’t accessible at all, she doesn’t physically exist anymore, and neither does gus.

I don’t want to keep going and I don’t want this to be real but no matter how hard I close my eyes, no matter how long, I will never wake up to you again. 

how did I let this happen.

have you all figured out my pattern yet, friday saturday sunday I’m too busy sleeping and working 17 hour days to post, and then the week comes with all the wounds needing to breathe 

fuck this I just miss you I don’t understand this, how can I... like what kind of peace do I have now? The kind that will miss you forever, but that pain eases as you become further and further away from the life I know, and that hurts too, the part that gets used to not seeing you, the part that will eventually be apart of someone elses life again but how close will I still be to you? The part that knows you loved me and wanted the best for me, the part that believes I could have stopped it and I failed to do so, the part that knows me and your mom are comforted by eachother but I don’t feel like I deserve any of this because I  am involved in your thought process, your decision makingm your surroundings, and it was the worst reality for all of us. 

So fuck this. 

[shellojello]

last one for the night I promise, 

I want to talk to you so bad, I wonder if that too will never go away becuase of how you went, that wanting to share it with you, or wanting to hear you laugh, or see you look at me how you do, fantasizing that you will squeeze me one more time. It ended so abruptly, there was no time for any good bye, there will always be, like taking a deep breathe to let out a long arrangement of words, but instead you say “were you going to say something” and I say “uh no never mind” 

And you never get to know

I never get to know, I never get to say good bye. I do it every night, you are not apart of my routine and yet, I still want you to be, I still get lost in the idea that.. Well 

I guess Its time I do something, still wont be homework but now I will go reach out, by reaching in, and feel, something.