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coupsalchemy · 9 days ago

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🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 I’m— 😭😭

I’m not even lying I spent five minutes rereading your words. They made me SOOO happy that 😭😭— you got the point.

Yearning is like the main theme of this fic, I have a reel of Jeonghan yearning which was central point of inspiration, I want to share it but Instagram won’t let it happen without revealing my username 🫠🫠. Anyway, men yearning is my favourite thing and it would be happening more in my other fics 🤭

I miss Jeonghan tooo 😭

And the way you said “never lose the spark” I— cue cries again. That’s so sweet of you!!

Andd I hope your best friend is okay. If they are in similar situation that must be a lot of pain to take. And being a friend seeing a close friend suffer is equally heartbreaking. Hope only good things happen to you two!!

I hope you enjoy the second part too. Thank you SO much for reading and letting me know your thoughts!!!

Hothouse Flower [Part 1]

Summary - Your five year relationship with him ended two years ago. You need to move on, have to, since you are the only one stuck in the past. Jeonghan moved on, happy, gallivanting away. When you finally agree to meet up a fellow heartbroken stranger set up by 'Get Love Quick', you didn't expect to see him there.

Tags: Jeonghan x f.reader, exes! au, second chance romance, angst, yearning, fluff, suggestive, SLOW BURN

Warnings: mdni, very suggestive (at least in the next part), fist fight, mentions of blood, just a very angry Jeonghan, swearing, and a lot of grammatical mistakes as English isn't my first language.

Word Count: 21k (this part, total 40k)

A's Note: I've been working on this for like four months. Please get ready for the angst and yearning. The birth of this story took place from Don't Wanna Cry Jeonghan falling onto his knees in yearning, and the song 'no one noticed by the marias'.

I wanted to write a story where reader gets to forget everything and be in the world of the fiction, enjoy momentary bliss instead of the bitter taste of life, at least for some time. So by the time you complete reading this part, next part would have already been uploaded. If I succeeded in making you forget everything and you enjoyed the fic please let me know so I can stare at your message for eternity in happiness.

Also I want to thank my two friends who have been patiently answering my questions, and kept on encouraging me all the time. If not for you two this wouldn't have happened. Thank you!!

divider credits to the rightful owner.

⌜ If anyone else were to kiss me, all they would taste is your name.⌟

— Clementine von Radics

“You should try this,” Seungkwan places the folded worn out newspaper on your work desk, looming over you like a dark cloud before rain. Nothing good is going to come out of this.

With a sigh you minimize the word document you have been working on, and focus on the headline of the advertisement, Get Love Quick. “If you have time to find crap then you have time to prepare the deck.”

Seungkwan tsks. “I have time till this Friday.” He drags the chair from the next cubicle, making a home for himself. “Send in an application.” He shoves the paper back to you, sending your notebook flying. “It’s high time for you to move on.”

You reopen the word document glaring at the words and hit random letters on the keyboard with more force, “I have work unlike someone. If you leave me alone.”

“Come on,” he insists, locking your system and turning your chair in his direction. “You have to get out of that four walls of darkness you call a room,” his gaze is firm, the frown line between his eyebrows makes you think. He isn’t going to back away like the other times, this time he is serious.

You fall back into your chair, gnawing on your lower lip. The words on the newspaper glares at you, in mockery or a challenge, you couldn’t say.

Find your other broken hearted half..

It’s been more than a year since you went on a date. You are sure that even the process of dating has changed by now. Fresh after the break up you were relentless, swiping right on guy after guy to rile up your ex, only to end up canceling most of the dates.

The two men you met were good, considerate and even attentive, something you begged from your previous relationship. Their questions and interest in your work, hobbies and daily life solidified their points in gaining the second date.

If not for the constant comparison to a certain long black haired man, who would be cracking jokes on the other two for their pretentiousness. It’s safe to say that you didn’t get a second date with anyone. Eventually the fire to make your ex jealous and show him what he is missing has died down.

“Are you still here?” Seungkwan shakes your arm.

You faze out from your thoughts, “I'm not sure. It’s a lot of work.” You pull your hair to one side, playing with the ends. “I have to dress up, put on makeup and,” you suck in a breath dreading the worst of all, “I have to make stimulating conversations.”

You click your pen, chewing on your lip, losing yourself in thoughts. What you don’t voice out is the fear of losing someone again and losing yourself in the process of clinging onto him to make him stay. You have done it once, and not sure you could do it again. Especially if it’s someone who is not your Jeonghan.

Seungkwan holds your hands in his, he says, “you don’t need to put up an act this time.”

“Hey.” A coworker greets you, crossing the office floor to the elevator.

Seungkwan presses his lips in a thin line, nodding back at the intruder who is already out of earshot. “Anyway, as I am saying,” he goes back to the topic, “no need for an act. Be yourself and the right one will come.”

The strong belief in his words sways your stubborn heart a little, a faint hope flickering in your chest.

“Remember there’s no one you need to get back at this time.” He reemphasizes, “I don’t want to see you pulling that old shit.”

You nod without a second thought, a little scared of his authoritative tone.

“Good.” He presses your hand, eyes softening, studying you. “I have a gut feeling that this is going to be your turning point.” He adds, “a good one. You’ll find someone who understands you as you are.”

The love in his words and caring gestures were what made you you till now. He always dragged you back whenever you were spiraling down the rabbit hole. He doesn’t have a reason to look after you, especially when even your mom has given up on you after a few tries.

“Oh,” his soft voice makes your eyes moist, “I didn’t want to make you cry.”

“I know.”

He ruffles your hair, “straighten up and fight back, my warrior. You can do this.”

You laugh, wiping the corner of your eyes. “Warrior?”

“Frontline army?”

You push him away, “go back, Seungkwan. Our boss is already glaring.” You backspace the crap you have written on the report. “We are one call away from the HR office.”

“Ugh,” he fixes his tie, “that old retard should find someone else to stalk.” He slowly rolls away to the next cubicle leaving the chair in its rightful place. “Think about it. Okay?”

“Thank you, Seungkwan.”

“Anything for you.”

—

You wake up with a start, your mind in a haze. The rotating ceiling fan spins your head making your dizziness worse. You fight with the comforter rolled around you to free your hand, the movements worsen the pounding in your head.

“Ugh, Hannie.” You search for the other side of the bed, your fingers tracing the cold bed sheet. “Huh?”

You open your eyes forcefully, the bright sunshine falling directly on you. You forgot to draw curtains again. The empty space beside you cracks your heart again, the unused pillow still in bright yellow cover mocks you. He is not in your life anymore. You pluck the pillow, hugging it to your chest and inhaling its scent. It doesn’t smell like him anymore.

The warmth of this pillow doesn’t suffice the warmth of him, his midnight cuddles, kisses all over your face when he thinks you are in deep sleep. Your fingers grasp the edges of the pillow, legs curling into your stomach from the ache echoing your entire body.

Longing for Jeonghan has become one with breathing. Each moment and thing is closely intricated with his existence, the reminder of him throwing you back into the pits of suffering. You eye your phone resting beside you, the temptation to check his whereabouts is gripping your chest. Your fingers hover over it succumbing to your desires, but no, not this time, not when he never cared about you. Does he even think about you?

—

Jeonghan smiles at his date reassuringly, “it’s fine. It’s fine. Don’t panic.” He stands up from his seat, approaching her side of the table, “let’s go get you cleaned up.” He holds out his palm, interlacing their fingers.

His confident stride leads them across linen covered tables, wafts of delicious food surrounding them. Familiarity with this restaurant propels his sense of direction, he took this path countless times. He grips her hand, almost crushing, anchoring himself to the present moment.

She squeezes back, peering at him through his shoulder. He runs his fingers through his long hair strands, curling the strays behind his ear. She reaches out, tenderly running her fingertips at the back of his head. He ducks his head down, straightening his suit pants. Her steps stumble into one another, her cheeks blushing with embarrassment.

The kitchen is bustling with waiters coming in and out with orders. A waiter carrying an order is craning his neck, waving his hand to gain Jeonghan’s attention.

Jeonghan frowns at the unprofessional etiquette of the staff, and the waiter’s relentless efforts only irks him further. It strikes him, the reason behind the enthusiasm of the boy. Jeonghan exhales through his mouth. He knew it was a bad idea to dine in this restaurant, but two years is enough time for people to forget.

Oh. How he never learns.

The boy stops in his tracks confused at the lady hiding behind Jeonghan, and the rosary blush on her cheeks complimented with the shy glances at Jeonghan. He drops his hand, unimpressed.

Jeonghan is annoyed, reading the judgemental stare he is receiving. He presses his lips in a thin line, not sparing another glance he leads his date to the washroom. “Go ahead. I’ll be here.” He leans on the wall opposite to the women’s restroom, pocketing his hands.

She hurries in with a blush creeping up her cheeks, matching the red of her dress. He would have found it cute once upon a time, and would have even teased a little. But now, Jeonghan throws his head back a sigh escaping his lips, he can’t even bring to crack a joke or worse lead the conversation from topics other than weather or work.

Silver lining out of all is, this is their second date. Maybe it can lead to something prominent one day. And he can go back to his old ways, find it in himself to laugh and joke around. His gaze flickers to the women’s restroom door, a memory creeping into his mind.

You spilled wine on yourself on a date with him. He tsks, teased you for a klutz while leading you to the washroom. You expected him to stop outside but you should have known how crazy he was. He checked either side before following you in with a false pretense to help you wipe the stain near your chest.

You rolled your eyes at him when his thumb caressed a little longer, understanding his actions. You pinch his arm and he bites his lower lip, suppressing a smile. He looks at you in mockery before squeezing your breast, eliciting a moan, he crashes his lips on you.

“Been a long time,” the waiter reappears before him disturbing him from the memory of his ex. “I hope you remember me.”

Jeonghan’s jaw ticks. The boy, his name tag reads, Dino, is oblivious to Jeonghan's bubbling irritation. He continues, “well, if it was her,” he whispers, checking around for Jeonghan’s date, “she would have recognized me. I can’t believe you let her go.” He shakes his head in disappointment, sneaking glances at Jeonghan.

Jeonghan stands up straight, looming over the younger boy. Darkness exuding from him, now he doesn’t need some little boy to preach what he missed out.

Dino, bad with reading cues continues, “well,” he presses, drawing random figures on the serving tray, “can I… get her number?”

Red flashes in Jeonghan’s eyes, “what?”

Dino takes a step back, eyes shaking, “I-I-I me-mean..” he shields himself with the tray, “yo-you moved on, so, I thought–”

“Thought what?” Jeonghan spits.

“Th-that I sh-should shoot my shot,” Dino musters up courage, squaring his shoulders, head held high, “she is worth the–”

Jeonghan grabs Dino’s collar, “Fuck off you little—”

“Jeonghan? Jeonghan?”

His date grabs his arm off the waiter, “are you crazy? Let him go.”

His date looks at him in worry, her hand still holding onto his arm. Jeonghan snaps at her, “what?” She reels back from him, dropping her hand. Jeonghan closes his eyes, regaining his senses. “Sorry.”

She nods, not meeting his eyes. He scoffs at Dino scurrying away without looking back. “Let’s go.” He leads the way back to their table. This time he doesn’t hold her hand. She jogs to keep up with his pace, reaching out to his hand only to fail. If she is upset she doesn’t show it when he slips his hands into his pockets.

—

“I had fun tonight, Hannie.” She unbuckles her seatbelt, leaning into him, kissing his cheek. “Thank you,” she whispers in his ear.

Jeonghan taps his forefinger against the leather of the steering wheel, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Yeah.”

She holds his chin, gently nudging him towards her. Her thumb traces his bottom lip, her brown eyes focusing on the slight cracks and splits. “I don’t wanna ask what you are not gonna tell,” she taps on his lip twice, “but I can’t tolerate it happening again.” She holds his gaze, “if I am gonna have you I want all of you.”

He nods.

She presses a kiss on his lips, her soft ones moving against his static ones. He closes his eyes, shutting down the images of someone who is not his date. He sucks on her bottom lip, the cherry flavour of her lip balm on his tongue.

He unbuckles the seatbelt, slips his hand around her nape pulling her in. Their lips move in fervent need, tongues clashing, biting and nipping. Soft whimpers fill in the car, her hands roaming across his chest. “So hot.” She runs her hand through his long hairstrands, tugging at their ends, “You look—” she breathes as he nips her bottom lip “—fucking hot.”

He holds her roaming hand, intertwining their fingers, his eyes still closed, kissing her now swollen lips.

Images of her clouds him, her cheeky smile when he catches her causing ruckus, her droopy eyes yet a blissful look of satisfaction, her kisses in the middle of the night, her taste, her, her, her everywhere.

Her name slips past his lips in a shaky whisper. He backs away from his date, running a hand through his ruffled hair, “fuck.” He holds the hand slipping away from his grasp, “I am sorry. Sorry, it's just the,” he blinks at her teary face, “the..” he falters.

“Goodbye, Jeonghan.” She exits the car. Her flowery scent lingering in his car, a constant reminder of what he fucked up just because he couldn’t forget his ex.

He hits the steering wheel repeatedly. The ghost of his ex is still haunting him, in the corners of his apartment, the track sounds of her favorite sitcom, in his office, and fuck even in his car fiddling with the playlist.

Does he miss you? He doesn’t (it’s killing him).

Jeonghan ignites the car, clicking some random playlist on his phone. He reverses the car, driving through the silent empty streets, humming to the songs to clear his mind off the awkward date.

The community he resides in is a mile away, small stalls and restaurants around the area are bustling. Familiar neighborhood eases his uneasiness. Few more minutes and he can go home to his whiskey and drown himself in sleep. He rolls the car to a stop at a red light. He keeps clicking on the next song.

Her laughter plays on the speakers. Jeonghan drops his phone in a shock, startled to hear the voice he didn’t hear for months. Her giggles fill in his car, “Hannie, Hannie, baby,” cut off with a moan.

Next song starts playing and Jeonghan stares at the screen with a frown. What just happened? He clicks on the previous song, the voice note replaying. A car honks behind him, he drops the phone checking the rear view, he accelerates through the green light, and pulls up to the side.

The voice note replays again and again. The blinkers on his car keep flicking till a police car pulls up to check on him.

—

You fiddle with the silver band on your ring finger, staring at the blank application opened up on your laptop. It has been an hour, and not even one question has been answered. You let out a long sigh, still confused, still hesitant whether you are truly ready to give love a chance again. The questions are simple, What’s your heartbreaking story? The answer to them isn’t, you are not sure you can rehash your heartbreak in words, without getting the need to find him and see how life has been treating him.

You close the laptop and throw it aside on the bed, burying yourself in the comforter, staring at the unoccupied side of the bed and bright yellow pillow. A stray tear wets your pillow, your hand tracing the empty bedside.

—

Jeonghan punches in the words on his keyboard with force since he can’t punch the person in the face. He sits back cross-checking the draft email just in case his thoughts are translated into words subconsciously. Another visit to the HR will for sure land him in trouble.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” His senior, Soobin, raps his knuckles on the table.

Great, Jeonghan can feel the universe breathing down his neck today. He folds the laptop screen, reclining in his seat listening to the rant.

“I can’t believe you messed up man.” Soobin rakes his hand through his hair, plopping on the empty chair, rolling the paper weights around the table. “She is the hottest one dude.” A sleazy grin on his lips, “a goddess in that red dress.” He mimics the shape of her waist line with his hands. Jeonghan raises his eyebrow at the detail. Soobin smiles sheepishly, adding, “She posted a picture on her account.”

Jeonghan wants to throw up at the vulgarity. “If you find her attractive then why don’t you date her?” He opens his laptop back, sending the mail.

“Have to wait till I break up with my current one.” He says with remorse.

Jeonghan grits his teeth, irritation bubbling up in his chest. He tries to tone it down before it escalates into something like throwing him out of his room or worse, throwing a punch. He doesn’t have it in him to sort through another mess and complicate his already stressful life.

Soobin, not heeding to any hints radiating from Jeonghan, dips his fingers into forbidden waters. “But, come on, man.” He leans in with a wicked expression, “admit it she is the hottest one out of all of your exes. And waaaay better than that sorry shit of your ex. I can’t believe you were stuck up on her. She was boring as hell, and I bet the sex was as dull as—”

Jeonghan isn’t sure of his movements, how and when the things ended up in the way they did. Soobin is on the floor, spitting blood. Jeonghan holds the floor, helping himself to stand up from his senior’s body. Grabbing the opportunity, Soobin throws a punch.

Jeonghan falls back on his ass, his ears ringing and knuckles ache like fuck. He clutches his head, watching Soobin scramble on the floor, sliding away from him. Their CEO is standing at the door barking at them.

He stands up, flicking his hand and stretching his fingers. He grabs Soobin before he can go hide behind their head and puts his all into one last punch.

The CEO drags bloody Jeonghan to his cabin while Soobin is taken to the hospital. “You were up for promotion next month,” the CEO scolds, “a director can’t hit a coworker in broad daylight.”

This followed a two hour long lecture mixed with threats of termination. All the while Jeonghan stares outside the window, two birds coddling. Strangely, he is jealous of two birds for having something he once had.

“Yoon Jeonghan!” The head of the company snaps, “do you feel any remorse for bruising one of our most important employees?”

Jeonghan massages the ache in his hand, did he break his bones? He did keep punching Soobin’s jaw until he saw red.

“He had it coming.” He stands up, buttoning up his suit. “I’m quitting. You can write it up as terminated or whatever makes your ass happy.”

—

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!”

You wake up with a jerk, disoriented. Light floods your room, blinding you for a second, and someone is singing happy birthday. A cake with a burning candle is shoved in your face, and were those cats on the cake.

“Blow it,” a high-pitch voice screams in your ears.

You blow the candle, still lost in the happenings in the middle of the night. Cheers and claps snaps you out of your drowsiness, awakening your brain.

Seungkwan is busy squashing the remnants of cake on his girlfriend’s face, and your roommate is standing awkwardly near your bed end. You search for your phone, finding it under your pillow, you read the date. Ah, birthday.

Messages from your friends and family flood your phone, a hope births inside you, maybe, maybe he remembered and wished you this time. You scroll through the notifications slowly in case you miss it. None. Tears brim your eyes, stupid heart, why does it still hope?

“Come on, come on.” Seungkwan drags you out of your bed and into the living room, blasting music and orchestrating a sudden dance battle. You laugh at their antics, momentarily forgetting about the heartache.

—

“We should go for drinks,” Seungkwan announces in the middle of you enjoying each bite of cold noodles. “Enjoy the fact you become a year older and wiser.” He stirs his chopsticks around the noodles.

“Overnight?” You raise an eyebrow, slurping in the noodles.

The waiter refills the water jug, sets it on the wooden table with a clang. You grab Seungkwan’s glass, filling it to the brim before the waiter has an opportunity to do it. “Thank you,” you smile at the younger male, assuming a college student working for extra pocket money, “we got it. Go and take a breather.” You shoo him away.

He bows in gratitude, scurries away grabbing the opportunity of a five minute break. You chuckle reminiscing about your days of waiting tables.

“Too kind,” Seungkwan berates, sipping on the water. “It’s gonna bite your ass someday.”

“I can’t drink.” You go back to the main topic, “it’s weekday. I have an early meeting tomorrow,” you set the chopsticks down at the soar reminder, “a round of drinks sounds good tho.” You sigh wistfully, “but what can one do? I’m not young anymore to bound back after a night of drinking.”

Seungkwan chews at his food a little louder for your taste. “This must be what they mean by growing pains. And you can’t handle drinks. It’s better to not have you drunk since we have an important meeting tomorrow.” He grabs the menu from the holder, skimming through the noodles section again. “Their noodles are tasty.” He murmurs, “ah,” he taps on a ramyeon picture.

He flags down the waiter from before who approaches your table with merriment. Seungkwan narrows his eyes at the wandering gaze of the waiter towards you.

“One ramyeon,” Seungkwan orders, “and a drink please.”

“Anything else for the beautiful lady over here?” His dimple pops out waiting for you to swallow your food.

“No, thank you.” You twirl the noodles around the chopsticks, you slurp the cold noodles enjoying the flavours bursting in your mouth.

Seungkwan chuckles, “poor boy. Look at him walk away like a sad puppy.”

“Huh?”

He shakes his head, “nothing.” He sets his chopsticks down, “did you hear that there’s restructuring happening? I just hope I won’t be transferred again,” he huffs, folding his hands, “I don’t want to leave Nari.”

“And you,” he adds, after a beat.

The meat floats in the broth, you dunk it deeper into the liquid. You prefer to not be mentioned at all rather than being added as an afterthought. Being someone’s priority is a luxury you realized, not after the break up, but rather when you were in a five year long relationship with your ex.

The nights you laid on the bed waiting for your lover to join you were countless, his disinterest in your enthusiasm, and his laid back answers were the slow killers. Labeled as needy and clingy when asked for attention was the threshold point. And yet, you begged him to stay.

A green feeling bubbles in your chest, stabbing the meat piece you nod to Seungkwan’s rant absentmindedly. You catch bits and pieces of how his girlfriend suffered from the long distance during his last transfer, and how he was helpless to pacify her. If only you got a transfer and Jeonghan was desperate for you back then, would he have realized your value? Does he realize your value now?

The answer was glaring back at you. You have seen, stalked, his dates and flings profile, how happy he is, smiling at the pictures, posing intimately and sharing something that was yours first with strangers. How can he be happy after ruining you for anyone else? Making you incapable of loving someone else? Why, only you, can’t replace him where he is mingling as if you never existed?

—

You peek from your computer at the manager’s cabin. He is in a meeting with a team, and it doesn’t end for another thirty minutes. You click the third link of the web results for Get Love Quick. The cursor at the name field blinks, waiting for your input.

It requires a lot more than momentary courage, you realized, your fingers hover over the keyboard hesitant. Are you really ready for this new step in life? The silver band ring glimmers under the fluorescent lights, you take it off and throw it in the drawer. You are going to fill in the form and submit it. If you are matched then it is a future you’s problem.

Filling in the basic information was a breeze, you crack your knuckles preparing yourself for the big ones.

What’s your heartbreaking story?

The keys click-clacks under your fingers, momentary pauses, a tear rolling down your cheek. You hover over the exit button unable to articulate it in words, but you don't want to give up. Not this time.

By the time you press submit, the office is half empty. You check for your friend, he is clutching his head and looking close to breakdown. You clock out of the system for the day, grabbing your things and sauntering towards your distressed friend.

“What’s wrong?” You grab an empty chair and settle next to him.

Seungkwan looks up at you with red eyes, softly whispering your name.

“Hey,” you panic, “tell me what happened?” You hold his hands bracing yourself.

“My name is on the list for transfer,” his voice quivers, “I have to fill in an empty position at this new branch.”

Your heart aches watching your friend breakdown. “Is there no other way?”

He pulls his blue tie free, “I am not sure. God, I didn’t inform her yet. I just,” he exhales loudly, “I wanna try requesting the manager or the higher ups.”

You nod slowly, gears turning in your mind. Seungkwan has been a steady pillar in your life even during the times of crisis. He didn’t walk away when you pushed him off your life.

“By when you have to transfer?”

“Soon, there’s an urgent requirement in Yangsan.” he answers, “I hate it so much. Why always me?”

You pat his shoulders, “I know. But I think it will work out in your favor this time.”

He scoffs, shutting down the computer, and packs his stuff into his bag. “It never works out. One suffering after another is the theme of my life.”

“Believe me, Seungkwan.” You smile.

He pauses in his track, narrowing his eyes, “I know that smile. Don’t do anything stupid, please.”

You smile wider.

—

Jeonghan cradles nearly empty whisky glass to his chest, spreading his legs wide on the couch, reclining back. He sips from the bottle watching six friends lounging in the flat yapping on the TV screen, the laugh track accompanying the show irks him. How can one find comfort from this show? He can never understand it, but he never stops watching it again and again.

He sips on the last drops of the drink, shaking it in hopes to get more out of it. He discards it on the floor, and grabs his phone.

His thumb brushes over the date displayed on the phone. He used to be busy on this day in previous years, planning the day to its perfection, wooing his girl with carefully crafted plans and in the last two years buried in work.

He misses his home being filled with delicious scents of his cooking her favourites, her laughter at some stupid reruns of sitcoms. It’s been so long since his home and his life has seen some daylight.

His thumb hovers over her chat, uncertainty brimming up in his chest. He shouldn’t text her, he reiterates to himself. He scrolls through her unanswered texts right after their break up.

Please. I’ll be better.

-baby, May

Hannie… how can you do this to me?

-baby, May

Don’t leave me, Jeonghan. Please, I can’t live without you. It can’t be that easy to leave me. I beg you. I’ll do whatever you want. I will text you less, call you less, and we can live separately and only visit once a day. Don’t leave me Jeonghan.

-baby, May

[Voicenote 1:43 mins]

-baby, May

Jeonghan quickly scrolls past the voice note, he doesn’t have enough guts to hear you breaking down. If he does he will be standing outside your home, asking you to come back to this toxic union. Somewhere his mind nags, was it always toxic or were you scared to admit your wrongdoings?

Ridiculous

-baby, June

For my sake? For my sake you broke up?????

-baby, June

Be honest there’s someone else right?

-baby, June

You wanted to get rid of me to be with her

-baby, June

Explains the late nights and unanswered calls

-baby, June

YOON JEONGHAN YOU FUCKING BASTARD ASSHOLE AND AND I love you Jeonghan please… please reply I beg you

-baby, July

I’ll change myself the way you want Jeonghan I won’t be needy please I will give you your space I would be one with the wall in your life as long as I can see you everyday I am okay with anything

-baby, July

Did you loathe me that bad? I heard you already moved on. Is she prettier? Is she self-sufficient? Is she better than me?

-baby, August

[photo of your date holding your hand]

-baby, August

Ah so you really don’t care about me anymore.

-baby, August

I gave you five years of my life. You could have ended it in the first year. Could have spared me the heartache.

-baby, September

It feels like dying. Is this how people feel in their last moments? How can you be so happy while I’m scraping myself off the floor?

-baby, October

Happy birthday

-baby, October

Good luck with your life.

-baby, December

Jeonghan notices the unsent message sitting in the type bar.

Should we try again

He contemplates on sending it, but decides otherwise. He backspaces the message, he scrolls deeper into their conversation when things are rainbows and sunshine.

Hannie Hannie my dear Hannie saw you again in the sky shining brighter than ever… my sun 🌞

-baby

😒

-Jeonghan

Get back to work

-Jeonghan

He remembers smiling ear to ear in the office, rereading her message in the singsong tone of hers. He was fluid like water throughout his work that day, acing every meeting and task, humming all along.

Saw a baby playing with a baby chick 🐤

[photo]

-baby

Sooooooooooo CUTE

-baby

I JUST WANT TO GO AND BITE HIS CHEEKS

-baby

Can I do that 🥺

-baby

Didn’t know our date is at jail tonight

-Jeonghan

Jeonghan laughs at their conversation. Rolling onto his side he scrolls deeper. He sniffles, tears falling onto the cushion. He wipes his blurry eyes, reading the conversation from another day.

Rant incoming

-baby

Uh oh

-Jeonghan

That freaking bastard retard good for nothing asshole and the worlds most dumbest high paid person. How the fuck he got a job. Mr.know it all knows nothing. NOTHING EXCEPT MAKING MY LIFE HELL

-baby

HAVE TO WORK OVERTIME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

-baby

I MISS MY MAN!!!

-baby

(I miss you too)

-Jeonghan

BUT DUE TO THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.. OH HANNIE MY PRECIOUS BABY MY LITTLE MUNCHKIN

-baby

[Incoming call from baby]

Jeonghan wishes he can go back to the time when you called him all the sweet things in the world. If the universe or whoever is out there, is willing to give them one more chance will he take it up? Maybe or maybe not.

When will you be back? I miss you

-baby

…

-Jeonghan

Come on. It’s been like thirty minutes

-Jeonghan

What can I do?

-baby

Your cum is still running down my thighs reminding me of you 🤷‍♀️

-baby

FUCK

-Jeonghan

YOU CANT PULL THAT CARD

-Jeonghan

☹️ okayyyy don’t worry I pushed it all back in.

-baby

Happy golfing Hannie!!! Win and come home 🥰😘

-baby

You DEVIL

-Jeonghan

I’m coming home

-Jeonghan

😇😇😇

-baby

Jeonghan locks his phone, closing his eyes, tears rushing out. A ripping pain in his chest makes him curl up into a ball, he holds himself, all the pain inside of him bursting out. The silence of his apartment is now broken with whimpers and cries for help. It's been so long since he felt something, he doesn’t want to continue to live in this pain. He doesn’t have the will or fighting spirit left in him.

He messed with his career for the sake of his ex, he stopped going out with his friends, and it's been so long since he talked with his parents. Another sob escapes him remembering how you used to hold him whenever he felt low. Despite the thousand fights they had, you were always there to catch him. You are his sun, not the other way around. He is stupid, stupid, stupid.

He ended things for their own good. He realised that no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you just end up hurting each other. He couldn’t bear seeing you standing in the middle of the apartment everyday mid fight with tears spilling out.

He knows he is the problem, he wasn’t mature enough to handle his love with care, love and affection, the only thing you wanted out of him. He only gave you pain, sadness and a reason to cry. He was the source of your unhappiness. He tried to be a source of happiness, but things slipped right through his fingers.

If only he could be more like how you wanted him, maybe today he would have been curled up in your warmth instead of the coldness of his apartment.

—

The office is swarming, phones ringing, and hellos echoing around. You keep checking the manager’s cabin, eyeing the expressions of the director, manager and Seungkwan through the glass doors. It is hard to catch their words, or read their lips, as it is a few cubicles down from yours. You send a document to print, slipping on your heels, you march towards the printer next to the cabin.

Seungkwan catches you, shaking his head subtly before answering to the director. The printer spits out the papers slowly with a wheezing sound, you adjust your hair straining your ears to catch at least a few words.

“... branch needs you,” the director’s firm tone makes you wince, “or…” you lose some words as the printer whirs loudly, and you swear you heard your name, “..can go in your place.”

“I am not sure,” Seungkwan replies, “I can’t..”

A colleague of yours watches you in suspicion, his eyes darting from you to the cabin you are eavesdropping. Fuck, he is HR. You bow in greeting, laughing, pointing at the old printer dying to print out some documents. He nods, mumbling a feeble, keep up the good work.

You collect the papers just in time the director walks out of the cabin, noticing you, he smiles warmly in greeting before walking to his cabin. Seungkwan closes the manager’s cabin behind him, his lower lip wobbly at the sight of you. You step in with him to his cubicle, “what happened?”

Seungkwan lets out a big groan, “I have to start relocating by the end of the month.” He rubs his temples, “I have to tell her tonight.” He checks the time on his watch, “and she was looking forward to our date,” his voice shakes a little, “only for me to pour water over all her excitement.”

He plops down on his seat, keying in his password. You lean against his desk, thumbing the pages, “you know,” you muster up the courage, “I want to ask for this transfer.” You quickly add before he can jump in, “I really want this transfer, Seungkwan. I think..” you trail off, your voice dropping an octave, “I am done with this city.”

You blink back the tears with a laugh, you set the papers on his desk, turning away from him. “I am planning to talk it out with the manager, and,” you look at him from the corner of your eyes, “ask to get off your back.”

He smiles, tapping his fingers on the armrest, “I don't want you to force yourself for my sake.” He raises his hand, stopping you from defending yourself, “someone going away in my place will loosen my burden but I don’t want that to be you. Got my point?”

“I understand, but,” you meet his eyes head on, “I really want to get out of this place, Seungkwan. I don’t have any fond memories left–” Seungkwan scoffs “–apart from our hangouts, of course.”

With a deep inhale, you blurt out, “everywhere I go, I see us. I search for him everywhere,” you wipe away the stray tear, “I don’t want to live this way. Not when he is happy somewhere, in someone’s arms.”

Seungkwan evades your gaze, clicking on some email, “about that..”

“I don’t wanna hear anything else.” You square up your shoulders, “I am going in now and ask for the transfer.”

Seungkwan calls out your name but you are already at the manager’s cabin.

—

“Cheers,” you clink the glasses with Seungkwan’s and Nari’s. You dunk the contents in a single gulp, a bitter sigh escaping your lips.

“Congrats on the new role,” she congratulates, with a beaming smile, “I am very happy for you.”

Seungkwan sips on his soju, not joining in the party of your transfer and beginning of new life. His girlfriend, not knowing the reason behind his silence, chats away about her new boss and the funny antics of his.

Seungkwan grills the meat, the sizzling sounds of the meat grabs your attention more often than you let on. He places the cooked meat on Nari’s plate, your eyes fall on your empty plate, and the growling of your stomach. You pour yourself another glass of soju, laughing at the reenactment of the fall of her new boss.

“I couldn’t not laugh!” she fans herself, “but I was the only one with a loud laugh. He saw me, I just hope he won’t get his revenge.”

You grab the cooked meat from the grill, and blow on it, “he wouldn’t. You are one hard working person. He is lucky to have you on his team.”

She blushes, fumbling with her thumbs. Seungkwan drops the tongs, brushing her pink cheeks. You excuse yourself to the washroom, grabbing your phone. Few messages from your colleagues congratulating on the promotion, and also sad for the transfer. Your heels halt when the email from the Get Love Quick sits on your notifications.

You open the washroom stall, and lock yourself in, calming your nerves. You open the mail.

Dear Heartbroken soul,

Thank you for choosing us to direct you to true love. We are sad to hear your pain, and with all the shit life threw at you, we just want to apologize on behalf of life. Along with the apology we also want to throw in some delight by informing you that, *drum roll*, your date has been fixed for this Sunday. Please find the venue details below.

Ps. As a tradition of Get Love Quick the details of your date is a surprise. Builds the anticipation *wink wink*.

With love,

Get Love Quick

It’s already Friday today, one more day and then you have a date. Your clammy fingers don't help in clicking the venue details in the maps. You rub your sweaty palms onto your skirt, and try again typing the details. This cafe is forty minutes drive away from your apartment.

Is it worth it? You are about to move away from this place in a couple of weeks. You have to start packing away, look for a house in the new city, and break the news to your family and friends. Who would be interested in someone who isn’t available after the first date? Highly unlikely to convert this date into a long distance relationship. A part of you believes that there’s no aspect of you that will be appealing to the other person to make him leave everything too.

For now you put the date on the back burner. You have one more day, and it's Sunday you to decide.

Completing your business in the washroom, you saunter back to the table, slowing down, giving space to the couple kissing. You fiddle with the promotion mails on your phone, coughing into your fist before sliding onto your stool. Seungkwan hangs his hand around his girl, color coming back in his face. Ah, she does hold the key to his heart, no wonder he was desperate to stay.

No matter how happy you are for them, to have each other through ebbs and flows, watching them, or spending time with a couple opens a part inside you that you aren’t proud of. It reminds you of what you don’t have in your life, or what you once had.

“I’m done for the day,” you fake yawn, “my uber is on the way, I will meet you on Monday.” You sling your handbag, walking away before he can understand the urgency in your exit.

“You didn’t even eat anything.” He points the tongs to your full plate, “why are you leaving so soon?”

“I’m tired from all those meetings, and I am not feeling good. Need some rest.”

If he has doubts about your poor acting, he doesn’t comment on it. You greet them good night, exiting the restaurant.

—

The cafe is in a run down building, the ivy creeps all over the creaks, and the light illuminating the cafe name flickers. Sweet Life. No soul is seen around the empty street, a cat mewls from the garbage can, and rustling of covers echoes. The sun is already setting with an orange hue across the sky. You share your location with Seungkwan just in case, tugging the neckline of your dress up, you open the rusty door.

“Welcome!” A woman greets from the whirring coffee machine. “Please find a seat.”

You bow in a greeting, and turn to the almost empty cafe except for, your breath catches in your throat, one person. Your feet stay rooted, your gaze not moving from him, and him staring back at you with his lips parted. The exit door is two steps away, you can run away and sleep it off like it's a bad dream.

The door rattles open, two sleazy men brush past you, stinking of alcohol. You grab the half open door, quickly slipping past the door, your vision blurry making your ankle twist a few times. You sit on your feet, leaning against the wall, rubbing your eyes and the runny nose with the back of your hand, your breathing becomes irregular. Seungkwan. You need him to tell you what to do. You search for your phone in your wallet, dropping the papers, lip balm and keys on the road.

You gasp for air, breathing in through your mouth, hitting your chest. Five things. List down five things, you see a crumpled tin on the pavement, you smell stinky garbage, and you hear the crack of the door opening. Two black shoes step beside you, and you smell of him.

Jeonghan separates a tissue from the stack, and holds the back of your head, wiping your tears. You push his hand away, shaking your head trying to get out of his grasp. He grips onto your neck, pulling you closer to him, his teary eyes glaring back at you. He cleans your wet cheeks. “Breathe in,” he commands, “one..two..do it,” he pleads.

You turn away from his touch. He sighs, kneeling on one foot, “I get it,” his voice wavers, “I know you don’t want me here.” He wipes the corner of your eyes, and below your eyes, “but let's get you calm down.” He whispers, “please, ba–” he clears his throat “–not for me but for you, okay?”

“I-It’s be-because,” you gasp for air, “of y-you.”

Jeonghan sits next to you, on the dirty pavement, “I know.” He holds a fresh tissue to your nose, “I am sorry.” His eyes run across your face, “I didn’t know, or else,” he trails off.

You grab the tissue from him, and blow your nose, sitting on your bum next to him. “Or else you wouldn’t have come.” You hiccup, folding the tissue, “like always.”

He grabs the used tissue from you, stacking all of them next to him. He hands you a new one. Both of you sit in silence, his shoulder leaning against yours, while you catch your breath.

He picks up your discarded items and puts them back in your wallet, “are you good now?”

You pick on the ends of the tissue, sniffling, why is he my date out of all? Jeonghan clasps your wallet shut, drumming his fingers on the black surface of it, his long messy strands obscuring his face.

He is here, next to you, after almost two years, breathing and you can feel his warmth unlike the Jeonghan in your dreams. But why now? When you were all set to move on with someone, anyone new. Leaving everything and him behind in a couple of weeks. What kind of cruel joke is the universe playing now?

“Better than when you left me,” you reply. The bitterness in your words flinches him, he drops his head to his lap, fiddling with his thumbs. You scoff, “are you nervous now?” How dare you feel nervous?

Jeonghan sighs, “I get it you hate me.”

“Hate, Jeonghan? Hate? You ruined me. You left me to tend to myself. I..” your voice wavers, remembering standing outside his apartment, begging him to open up, “what is the point anyway. Reiterating everything won’t change anything.” You grab your wallet from him, you hold onto his thigh helping yourself stand, “you will still be that bastard and I will still be.. me.”

Jeonghan stands up, falling in step with you as you walk without any direction and your anger being the only navigator. “I’m sorry,” he holds your wrist, turning you to him, “I’m really sorry.”

“Sorry?” You hit his chest, he stumbles back, “do you think saying sorry will heal me? All those nights,” you are crying again, “all…” you hit him, “those..” another hit “nights..” he accepts all your hits.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that!” You shout. “You don’t even mean it.” You grab his shirt, his familiar warm woody scent cracks your semblance. “You don’t even.. mean it.” You inch closer, nuzzling into his chest, inhaling his scent.

God, no!

You push him away, “no, no, no.” You turn around, running away from him and the dead feelings sprouting back.

Few more steps and you will reach the road. Some taxis should be there for you to go back home. Before you can come into proper light, he tugs you back.

“Please,” he begs, “one chance. One dinner,” he holds your hands, squeezing them.

The streetlight falls on him, you forget your anger for a moment, reaching to his brown bruise on his chin and split lips. “What happened to you?”

He leans into your palm, closing his eyes, tears falling onto your arm. He grips onto your other hand, “please, one more chance.”

“What makes you think you deserve it?”

Jeonghan slowly opens his eyes, his brown eyes flicking across your face, “you still carry my picture.” He holds up your left hand, tracing the print of the ring that used to be on your ring finger.

You shove his hand away, “I’m not meeting you anytime soon. Or anymore.”

You sink in the new details of him one last time, he lost weight, and the dark circles under his eyes are prominent. The bruise on his cheek is dark, and the split on his lip is red with blood. What on earth is he doing with himself? You don’t have it in you to know the reason, scared you will crumble here and now, taking him back into your life in a beat.

“Have a good life, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan speaks up, halting you from moving away. “When you are not wanted or needed by anyone then you cease to exist.” You look in his eyes, the dark ones hold yours, “The moment,” he is towering over you, clad in black long coat, “you walked away, my existence went away with you.” He silences you, pressing his finger onto your lips, “I am an idiot who didn’t realize your worth and,” he brushes your cheek with his thumb, “took you for granted.

“I tried everything, baby,” he rests his head over yours, bending to your height, “nothing is you. I was searching for you in everyone,” his breath hits your forehead, “and no one is you. I am not asking you to take me back,” you look in his eyes, “yet. One dinner, one chance is all I ask.”

When he meets your silence, he calls out your name in a soft whisper. “Baby,” he pulls your chin up, “one dinner.”

And you crumble like a historic building holding years of past, falling apart. You are nodding to his request even before you know.

—

The day’s heaviness settles on your shoulder, the entire ride back home has been a blur. Pushing past the door, you enter your apartment, leaving your high heels and keys. Seungkwan is already at your flat, lounging on the couch, eating your snacks. He springs to his feet, rushing towards you, “what happened? Why are you crying?”

You throw your wallet onto the coffee table, the potato chip bag crunching under your feet as you make your way to the couch. Seungkwan sits next to you, questioning you. Your phone vibrates on the coffee table, he grabs it at a lightning speed, opening it and his eyes going wide, dropping the phone on the carpet.

“Fuck.”

He pulls you into a bear hug. You sob into his shoulder, incoherent words leaving your lips in an attempt to explain what happened. He pats your head, cooing comforting words.

“He is there, Seungkwan.” You rub your eyes, “he is my date. How can this happen?”

“I am sorry,” he holds your arms, tears in his eyes, “I am so sorry. It’s all because of me, I shouldn’t have forced you to–”

“No,” you pick your phone from the carpet, unlocking it. “It would have happened sooner or later.”

Did you reach home safely?

-Hannie

“Block him.”

Locking your phone, you hide it behind you. “Can’t.”

He frowns, “why?”

You drop your gaze to your lap, “we are meeting on Tuesday for dinner.”

The expletives leaving from Seungkwan’s mouth makes you shut your ears. “Hand me over your phone now.” He extends his palm, waiting. Your bottom lip quivers, you give a slow shake of your head. “For fuck’s sake.” He reaches for it, and you hold it with your entire being.

“Listen to me, listen to me,” you plead, Seungkwan reclines back in his seat. “He just wanted one dinner,” you raise your arm when Seungkwan opens his mouth, “only one dinner. And with my schedule, I won’t be able to meet him more than that.” You reason. “I will be away, and he won’t be there. I think this will be the end.”

“End my foot.” Seungkwan snatches the phone from you, and hits the block button. “He is back at it again. Getting into fights, summoned by po—”

“Fights?”

Seungkwan bites his tongue in grimace. “Nothing.”

“Seungkwan.” Your voice is firm, thinking about the bruises on his face. What on earth is he up to? Fights? You knew he had some issues managing his tongue but he never hit someone out of anger. “What are you hiding?”

Seungkwan clutches his head in a groan, leaning back on the couch. “I’ll tell you if you promise me you won’t meet him.”

You gape at him, your lips opening and closing without a single word escaping. Anger seeps into your thoughts, hating the way Seungkwan is interfering in your life. “I am telling you that it's going to be only one dinner!”

He flinches at your sharp voice, glaring back at you. “And I know you!” He fights back, “I saw you. It's not gonna be a single dinner.”

He holds your arm, handing you your phone back. “I am not against you,” he stands up, “I was with you, am with you and will always be.”

Guilt crawls into your heart, god, it’s happening again. How can you lash out at Seungkwan? This is exactly why Jeonghan re-entering your life is catastrophic. The chaos he left took you long enough to calm it down. And now with your behavior you aren’t sure Seungkwan is going to stay with you this time.

“I’m sorry.” You apologize, staring at the blocked contact on your phone, tracing his message. You lock the phone, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have,” you gesture between you two, “I’m sorry. I won’t meet him.”

Seungkwan takes your hands in his, sitting next to you, “you have to believe me.” You nod, not meeting his gaze. “I know it seems tempting and you want to have him back but,” he tilts to the side, wanting you to look at him, “he is not worth it. Not worthy of your love.”

Flashes of Jeonghan holding you, calming you and wiping your tears and snort crosses your mind. The tenderness in his gestures, regularizing you out of the anxiety attack, and the desperation to meet you one more time. If this ain’t love then what is?

But you don’t say this to Seungkwan, he wouldn’t understand you or Jeonghan. Your relationship with Jeonghan wasn't smooth sailing like Seungkwan’s is. You had your high tides, heavy rains and darkest sails but he was your port, your anchor, and the morning always came.

“Yeah,” you pull your arms out of his hold. “Go home, Seungkwan, it’s late.”

He is silent for a few seconds, but stands up ready to leave.

“Should I know why Jeonghan is involved in fights?” You ask from the couch.

Seungkwan holds the door open, turning to you, “it's better if you don’t.”

So it is because of you.

—

Packing your entire life and moving away isn’t as easy as you thought it would be. The boxes around you are overwhelming, and yet the packing is the only thing that’s keeping you sane.

It’s been a week since your meeting with Jeonghan. Work has been hectic leaving you little time to think about the notifications of the blocked contact. It feels like a drink is placed before a recovering alcoholic, tempting yet restraining yourself.

Your phone lights up again with another notification of the blocked caller. You flip the phone, tackling the old clothes into a box. Why did you buy all of these? Folding an old sweater your attention drifts to your phone. One call or text wouldn’t hurt, right? Or unblocking him is not going to hurt you. He is your Jeonghan after all.

Shaking yourself out of it you shove the sweater into the box. You kneel down on the floor, bending to grab the clothes shoved inside of your cupboard. Jeonghan’s. Hoodies and oversized T-shirts of his you loved to wear.

You pluck the blue oversized tee, running your hand over the softness, a laugh tumbling out of you at the memory.

He spent an entire week searching for the tee only to find you wearing it one night. He stood near the kitchen counter, hands folded across his chest, pissed.

You didn’t dare to acknowledge him knowing he is waiting for you to give in. Or some explanation on why you searched for the tee along with him when you are very well aware where it is hiding.

You chop the carrots into thin slices and pretend he isn’t standing near you. He scoffs, his slippers hitting against the wooden floors as he approaches you. You slithered to the side slowly, peeking over your shoulders.

Anger is replaced with a lopsided grin on his face, he drags you to him by the shirt. He locks your wrists behind your back and grabs your face, leaving stinging kisses. Hearing your grumbles, and chasing lips for his’ in need of a proper kiss, he spanks your ass muttering, “punishment.”

You stuff his clothes into an empty moving box before it can pull you into the darkness of his memories. Wiping your tears with your shirt sleeve. The phone lights up yet with another notification. Another call from the blocked contact.

A sob leaves your lips, why is he so insistent now? After all these months why is he adamant on talking to you. The urge to unblock him and text him is uncontrollable, but Seungkwan’s words run through your mind. You imagine his disappointed face once he knows that you didn’t listen to him, and honestly you are a little scared that he will stop talking to you. You are scared that the only person who cares about you will leave you, just like everyone else.

Clearing the notifications you shoot a text to Seungkwan.

Need to drop these off at Jeonghan’s.

-sent

I’ll drop by and do that.

-Seungkwan

One last glance at the box containing his clothes you are overcome by the need, and pluck one of his black hoodies. You pull over the hoodie, hugging yourself as you curl up on the floor next to a half filled trolley and dozens of boxes.

—

Jeonghan is pacing around his living room, chewing on the unlit cigarette. He dials your number again and again. Blocked? How can you block him? You didn’t delete him away after the break up, but you did it now? Not when you agreed to meet him for dinner, and he can tell a lie, especially when it's coming from you.

He drops the cigarette on the couch rustling through his drawers for the unused phone. It should have another sim, if he can contact you with it he can end this torture. Going to your house is also an option that he considered dearly, he didn’t want to cross that last boundary. Not especially when you are putting up a wall for some reason. Oh, how he so wants to fuck the rules.

The knock on his door garners his attention from throwing the notebooks and mail from the drawer like a raccoon sifting through trash. He runs his hand through his unkempt hair watching Seungkwan standing outside his door. He leaves the door open, massaging the space between his eyebrows. Seungkwan visiting him will never end in peace.

“Here.” Seungkwan throws a bag onto the couch. The bag bounces off the couch and falls on the floor. “Your clothes.”

Jeonghan turns around at those words, frowning. His clothes? Why would Seungkwan have–ah. He pads over the strewn notebooks and papers on the floor, reaching for a new cigarette, his fingers shaky. The bits and pieces aligning themself, the abandoned dinner, blocked contact, and now—his clothes. He glares over his shoulder at the man who is ruining his life, along with yours. You would never ever even dare to discard a single message from him.

“Don’t ever contact her.” Seungkwan warns, completing surveying Jeonghan’s dumpster called home. “She finally moved on.”

Jeonghan rests his hand on the wooden surface, the cigarette crushing between his fingers. He tilts his head to the side, giving a once-over at the friend of his ex. “Did she, now?”

Seungkwan takes a threatening step forward, “Don’t you dare, Yoon Jeonghan.” He fists his hand, “you are a bastard, and have you seen yourself,” he spits, “do you think she needs someone like you?”

Images of you laughing at his mess and swatting his shoulder before dragging him to clean up crosses his mind. He loved those moments.

“You don’t deserve a second of her attention.” Seungkwan continues, “Go back to your devious ways and party life. And leave her alone.”

He storms out of the apartment, leaving behind a seething Jeonghan.

Fuck rules.

—

You rustle under your blanket, the faint knock on your door stirring you out of your slumber. The night is up outside your window, the cool spring air blowing in, curtains flying in tune with it. Another knock. No one visits you at ten in the night, peeling off the thin blanket you step in the empty spots between trolleys and card boxes. Did Seungkwan need something from you?

Your roommate winces at your sleepy state once you open the door. She looks over to her left scowling. “I tried.”

What? Your eyebrows pull in at the confusion, what’s going on?

Jeonghan steps in, hovering over your roommate. The sleep goes away from your body, nervous system kicking in for the fight or flight response. What is he doing here? His blood red eyes doesn’t move away from you, drinking in your bed head, and the—shit, fuck, his hoodie. Your knuckles turn white from the deadly grip on the door handle, shut it.

“Call me if you need me.” Your roommate steps away, giving space for him to come closer.

He crowds over you, his cozy scent mixed with cigarette smell messing with your senses. You push the door to a close on his face, his hand holds the door, his strength threatening over yours, he pushes it open with ease. If he was angry earlier, now he is pissed. His chest brushes your face, his hand coming over your shoulders, bringing you both inside your room, and shuts the door behind him, turning the lock in.

“Why?”

Desperateness clings to your voice. The grip on your shoulder causes you to jerk back, pushing his chest away from you. He backs away to the door, hands behind him. Your fingers hover over the light switch, wondering whether to turn it on or not. Seeing him might make it harder for you to handle all the emotions. The memories of him you have in this room, the ones that kept you going and also pulled you back, drove you crazy and now with him in the space won’t help you hold back anymore.

The light stays off, the street light falling from your window is the only illumination outlining the shadow of him. You are standing next to the window a few feet away from him, your hands clasped behind your back.

Jeonghan shuffles across the room, his hand tracing the edge of the table placed near the window, a few steps away from you but closer than before. He leans on the table with one hand, another stuffed in his jean pocket. A car headlights flashes across your room, he is wearing the blue t-shirt. He got his clothes back.

“You aren’t picking my calls.”

“Didn’t feel like it,” you answer after a beat.

“You or Seungkwan?”

You snap your head from your fingers to him, “What?”

Another step forward. “You have so many protecting you,” he pauses, and adds with a slight shake in his voice, “from your villain.” He dips his head to the floor, his hair cascading his face.

You prick on your fingers, locking them behind you. No, you can’t touch him.

A chuckle escapes from him, he flips his head back, running his crooked fingers through the hair. “I earned the title.” He shrugs. “But,” he singled out his focus on you, “I would’ve stopped calling if,” another step, “you didn’t want me.” He tilts his head, the light from the window directly falling on him, his frown, “but for Seungkwan?”

“I didn’t want to see you.” A half lie.

His lip curls into a smirk, “you couldn’t lie then.” He nods to himself, “and you can’t lie now. So, don’t.”

“Why are you here, Yoon Jeonghan?”

He is toying with the bobble head on your desk. “Why do you think so?”

The words rattles the last wall you are holding up. Tears prick your eyes, exhaustion creeps up your bones. “Stop,” your voice wavers, he looks up with confused eyes, “please.”

The frown line between his eyes is prominent, he lets go of the bobble head and is standing next to you. His scent engulfs you, clouding all your thoughts. “Don’t cry,” his hand reaches for your cheek but stops, not touching. “Please.” The crack in his voice is too much.

You step away from him, stumbling on the trolley. He stabilises you by your arm. You push away his grip, backing away to the bed. Pulling up the blanket you hide beneath it. A sob escaping. The bed dips, he holds your knee over the blanket.

“Let me see you,” he pleads, “one last time, and I’ll leave. But don’t cry.”

You shake your head. “You are the worst.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yo-you ca-can’t come-comeb-ack and.. and,” you hiccup, sobbing uncontrollably. “Ex-expect me-me to be ok.”

He pulls you into a hug, the blanket slips off your face. He pats your head, “please, don’t cry.” His cheek presses into yours, nuzzling his nose into your hair. “I don’t want you to cry. If being with me makes you cry then,” he grips onto your shoulder, pressing himself tightly, “then I’ll leave.”

“You always leave.” You free yourself from him. Breathing in and out to regulate yourself. “Always.”

Jeonghan holds you down, “if you want me to stay, I’ll stay.” He brushes the stray strands off your face, “but if I’m going to be the reason for you to cry then I won’t. I don’t want you to cry, not again.

“I realise my mistakes. I shouldn’t have been the asshole, and ran away from our problems that day. I’m sorry. Hate me, hit me and slap me all you want till your anger subsides. But don’t cry. You and I, we both want each other,” he holds the drawstrings of your hoodie, “we are for each other. I’ll wait till you can accept me.”

“Lies.” You turn away from his pleading face. “I have seen you. And your fuck buddies.”

Jeonghan groans, rubbing his face in frustration. “I didn’t sleep with anyone. There was no one after you.” He clings onto you, “I did go out but it never worked.”

You scoff, not believing his words. The pictures looked pretty chummy for you to believe that nothing happened afterwards, especially knowing how handsy Jeonghan can be.

“I can dial all my dates and let them speak to you,” he pulls out his phone, opening the messaging app and scrolling through dozens of unanswered chats.

You hold his hand before he hits the dial button. “No need.” Like Jeonghan, you can tell when he is lying or not. “But you moved on pretty quickly.”

“I had to.” He answers quickly, “or else I would have sorted you back. And it wouldn’t have been a good choice.”

“Why?”

“You weren’t happy,” his voice drops, barely a whisper, “and I wasn’t too. And it really gutted me to see you cry,” he sounds distant, like lost in a memory, “I hate to see you cry, whether we were fighting or not. It didn’t matter that I was angry at you. And when it became clear that I was the reason for you crying every night, I couldn’t do it any longer.

“I wondered maybe if I stepped away from–” his voice breaks “–your life then you would finally be happy. You don’t know how much my chest hurt when you were crying outside my door. Baby,” the nickname slips his mouth before he can hold it back, “I really thought you would be happy, and if I had known,” he wipes your tears tenderly, “it would break you this bad, I would not have done it.”

“It’s for good.” You say, “we needed space. I was too much, too greedy for you and your attention.”

“No–”

You cut him off, “let me talk. I realized how it tortured you, I occupied your entire life. I restrained you, what not. I did later on hear from your friends on how.. how you cancelled all your plans and didn’t meet them.” You chuckle, fumbling with your fingers, “and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I am sorry. Truly.”

“I don’t want–”

“And as much as we want to rework on our relationship,” you cut in again, “I don’t think it’ll work again. Not only because of our pre-existing issues, but there are few others.”

He shifts uncomfortably, “like?”

“Like, I am moving away in a week.” You gesture around the trolleys and moving boxes. “I was that needy when you were next to me, imagine us doing long distance.” You chuckle imagining the disaster it will be, the tears shining on the edge of your eyes. “I might even kill you.”

“You are moving?”

The smile vanishes noticing the hurt laced in his words. “Yeah. That should explain the mess in my room. You know how much–”

“You hate messy room. I know.”

“Yeah..”

Silence cascades between you two. He is ruffling his hair, a tic whenever he is in distress. You pick on your finger not knowing what to say or how to.. end things again. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did the first time, right? Maybe this time you may walk out unharmed as long as you don’t remember that Jeonghan wants to try things again. If only it was as easy as telling yourself to just forget.

Jeonghan wouldn’t move from Seoul or quit his job where he put in his blood, sweat and tears. The long nights and weekends he invested, the ranks he climbed are too dear to him to lose now. You aren’t that special anymore for him to resign and find you. Bidding your goodbyes now is the right thing to do.

“I–”

“Where are you moving to?” He asks. “What about your job? The lease? Your parents?”

You hear the unasked question. What about me?

“I am being transferred to another branch. Seungkwan was supposed to go but his girlfriend–”

Jeonghan snorts. “Explains. You are lifting your entire life just for a friend?”

“He is my brother.” You snap. “If not for my father he will be the one to walk me down the aisle. Don’t downplay our friendship.”

“How can I not? He is the reason you weren’t talking to me. Me! He is ruining whatever we are having or would have.”

“Because he saw me. He helped me put myself back when you were galavanting with your dates and what not!”

“This is too much to do for someone else. It isn’t right. If he is chosen he has to go no matter what.”

You stare at Jeonghan in the dark, “this is nothing compared for people we love. If you loved someone then you would have understood.”

Nodding to yourself at his silence, you pull your hoodie sleeves over your fingers. “I am not going to tell you where I am moving to, Jeonghan. It wouldn’t help either of us. I would be too stuck up in hopes that you would come, and you wouldn’t even bother to..” you shake your head, “what’s the point. We are running in circles.

“We had a good five years, maybe four before it all went down. But it's something I cherish for the rest of my life.” You cup his cheek, “have a good life, Jeonghan. Don’t drink too much, or smoke. Clean up after yourself, and,” you feel wetness crawling on your hand, “and, you are a good person. If we had met in different timelines where you weren’t distant and I wasn’t desperate, we would have ended up in an ocean side house with a little family like you always wanted.”

He rests his head on your forehead, his tears falling on your cheeks. “Bye, Jeonghan.”

—

Yangsan is a breath of fresh air. It’s more of a town than a city, reminding you a little of your hometown. Neighbors were friendly helping you lug your furniture up the stairs to the first floor. Your ears strained from listening to them go off about the highlights this city has to offer. Sparkly, full of life.

Their words blend with the sounds of the ocean. You saunter to the balcony attached to the living room, sliding the glass doors. Salty air hits you in the face, a little treat for your sweaty self. The summer sun sits in the middle of the sky, shining brighter than ever you have seen, blinding you for a few seconds. Adjusting to the light, the blueness of the ocean pulls you further.

The sounds of the waves rattles the serene feeling, an overwhelming emotion consuming your entire being. You gamble with the risk of staying near to the ocean, the stench and cyclones, but if you are going to live here for a year you want it to be somewhere you love.

You got a feeling— a hunch, that you are going to love Yangsan. It’s about time.

—

Work at the new branch turns out to be better than your previous office—minus not having Seungkwan. The new role is full of heavy responsibilities as you have to carry a team of six. Growing closer to them was a task, and it took you three months to reach this point.

“Thank you for all your hard work.” You beam at your small team cooped up in the meeting room. Tired smiles thrown back at you. “Should we grab dinner and have some—”

The team is already up, closing their laptops and hurrying out of the meeting room. You have never seen an enthusiastic team for a team dinner. Seungkwan and you had to drag yourselves to the dreadful and boring dinner which was borderline a self-boasting manager session.

Hansol, one of your juniors, is closing his notes and capping his pen. Neatly coiling his charger cable, he sets everything on top of his laptop.

“Hansol,” you approach him slowly, like getting near to a stray kitten afraid you might make it run away, “are you coming for dinner?”

He straightens, rubbing his neck. “Ah..”

“I mean no big deal but the team would be happy to have you with us. Afterall you were the key player to lock in the client. You need to celebrate.” You persuade, or more like try to.

Hansol is known for skipping the team dinners, happy hours and laying low until it’s crucial work. One month into the office, you heard the rumours floating around, Hansol moved back from Seoul. His childhood sweetheart and love of his life cheated on him. It’s his third year in this branch, and he still eats alone most of the time. You didn’t dig deeper, if time comes then he will be ready to talk about it.

You would be lying if you say you don’t have a soft spot for him. You saw a part of you in him, in his absent stares, hunched back, and disassociated nature. Coming out of love can be heart wrenching, imagining a betrayal from the most trusted person is just dying. The dark cloud is always over his head, a smile as rare as a comet. All you could do is hope that he will find his happiness again.

He traces his finger along the coiled charger. “I mean it's fine if you don’t want to,” you jump in scared that you are acting as your previous manager. “But I really appreciate all your help.” You smile when he finally looks at you. “Keep up the good work! See you on Monday.”

Sunhee, your other junior is standing by the door, her handbag on her arm. Anxious eyes on the man trailing behind you. Turning off the lights you cross check the meeting room before closing it.

“Are you going to your cats again?” Sunhee asks Hansol.

“Ah..” he rubs the back of his neck, looking at her for a second before staring at the floor. After a brief moment he adds, “nah, coming for dinner.”

The girl’s cheeks tint pink, jaw slack open. You shake your head, walking to your desk and packing away your day.

—

The dinner turns rowdier than you anticipated. One by one of your co-workers are being sent home, leaving you with slightly buzzed Sunhee, Hansol, and two more of your co-workers waiting on their ride home.

“I’ll pour you a drink,” Sunhee grabs the soju bottle, giggling at the swirling liquid, “round, round,” she mimics the movement with her head, “ah, dizzy.”

You slap her hand away from the bottle, “no more drinks. You are going home next.”

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat??!?!??” She cups her mouth, tears springing in her eyes. “You can’t do this to me!!” Coyly she flits her gaze to the man sitting across her, “Chwe Hansol!”

The man, already tipsy with overly bobbing his head, said, “that’s me.”

“Why??” She screeches, “for the love of the god—”

“Amen.” He bows.

You throw your head back laughing at the ridiculous scene unfolding before you.

Sunhee hits him with a crumpled up tissue. “CHWE HANSOL!”

He straightens up, “yes, ma’am.”

“For the love of the god,” she repeats, he mutters another amen, “why? Why won’t you understand?” She continues over his giggles.

His giggles die down. She slumps over the table, her long hair all over the place. You awkwardly look across the two, scratching your forehead wondering whether you should stay or give them the private space.

The team has already gone home except for you three. Sending them home is also your responsibility as the sober one and as a senior. One look at the distressed girl next to you makes you slouch back giving them the time they needed.

It’s no secret that Sunhee loves Hansol. From bringing in his favorite coffee to staying back overtime just so she could leave with him. Countless conversation starters only to end with a nod from him.

“Look at me,” she pleads, “please look at me.” Her voice quivers, “I’m standing here waiting for you to look at me.”

Hansol twirls the liquid in his glass, her words going over him. He doesn’t reply or even acknowledge her words, all her efforts and love are one-sided.

You attempt to stand up and leave them to talk, maybe without you between them Hansol might talk.

Sunhee grabs your hand, tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, “if you leave he isn’t gonna stay. Please.”

You concede, patting her back in quiet encouragement.

“I answered you.” He replies after a prolonged silence. “It’s not gonna change.”

Your heart breaks watching tears spill from Sunhee’s eyes onto her lap. Her attention is not wavering from the one boy who is actively avoiding her. You slip your hand into hers, pressing it in a reassuring way.

She squeezes back, a wavering smile and she picks her bag. “See you on Monday, senior.” She salutes, laughing with tears. “Bye, Hansol.”

“Can I drop you home?” You ask.

“I sobered up. Thank you.” She walks out of the table, and her wobbly steps towards the exit.

Hansol refills his empty glass, sipping on it in silence. You check for the notifications on your phone, another missed call from Seungkwan. You sigh, you have to answer him one day.

“I’m a villain in your eyes right?” Hansol’s question cuts through the awkward silence. “A bastard who broke the sweetest girl on the earth.”

You set your phone down, shaking your head vehemently. “No, Hansol.”

He chuckles to himself, pouring another glass of drink. “The funny part is my sweetest girl on the earth broke me beyond repair.” He looks at you, but distant, lost in thought. “I feel something after so long,” his hand is over his heart. “I feel bad for breaking her. But she deserves more than what I could offer.”

You frown.

“It’s for her best.”

His words trigger the angrier side of you. You shouldn’t mix your past with their future. Before you can restrain yourself a scoff slips past your lips.

His eyes widen, “what?”

“If you don’t have guts to change yourself, then don’t say stuff like ‘it’s for her’,” you say, “if you want her then pick your ass up and get your life together.”

Hansol blinks.

“I mean,” you run a hand through your hair, “thinking about it, if you are letting her go because she deserves more, then you should have at least a little bit of interest in her right?”

He doesn’t agree nor deny.

“Do you doubt Sunhee’s capability of decision making?”

“No.” His answer is quick. “Her decisions led us to achieve the highest returns.”

“See.” You refill his empty glass, “she knows you for years, she likes you, and she has an idea of what she will get out of this relationship. So don’t bullshit yourself saying she deserves more.”

Hansol is lost in thought. His gaze on the exit where Sunhee disappeared.

“She isn’t your ex. I can’t say she won’t break your heart,” your voice lowers, “you never know what life makes you do but you can’t deny something beautiful just so you are scared.

“And that’s where I’ll stop. I have already butt in where I shouldn’t have. Do you have a ride home?”

Hansol checks his phone, “yeah. My neighbor is around and he said he’ll pick me up.”

“That’s kind of him.” You comment. “People around here are more hospitable than the ones in Seoul.”

“He is from Seoul.” Hansol clarifies, “he came here,” he ponders, “one or two months back? But he is always travelling back and forth.”

“Ah. Seoul has good people too then.”

“You are from Seoul.” He frowns, “you are a good person.”

You turn pink from his compliment. “Th-thank you. I’ll be right back.”

You take a much needed washroom break. The day has been tiring, and very long. Did you overstep in counselling Hansol? Who are you to lecture him on what he should or shouldn’t think? You couldn’t help yourself listening to him say the same words once you heard from your ex.

Washing your hands you wipe them off with a paper towel. Yoon Jeonghan. It's been six months since your last conversation with him. How is he doing? You are actively trying to not think about your life from Seoul, pushing everything away that reminded you of that time. Sadly, Seungkwan also falls into that category hence screening his calls too.

Jeonghan must be living his dream. He isn’t the one to fall back in life. The grit and passion he has shown is enough testament. He must have moved on by now. Found a girl who is of his ideal type, not someone needy and clingy.

You rush out of the washroom before you submerge yourself in self-pity. This is Yangsan. And this is new you. No more Yoon Jeonghan. No more…

A man in a long black coat catches your attention for having a similar build as your ex lover. You search for his hair to make sure if he is your Jeonghan. Sadly he is wearing a cap. Your steps pick up its pace, following the stranger amidst the drunken men going towards washroom.

The stranger whispers something to Hansol and exits. Hansol’s neighbour?

“Senior!” Hansol waves to you, “caught you in the right moment. My ride's here, see you on Monday.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You crane your neck to get a sight of the stranger but he is already out of the restaurant. “Did your neighbour come?”

He nods. “I have to go. I’m sorry. He’s a bit short tempered.” He winces. “But thank you for all your help. Thank you.”

“No problem.” You pick your own bag ready to leave. “Have a great weekend, Hansol. Remember to get some sun.”

He smiles before leaving.

You pay the bill at the counter, berating yourself. What were you thinking? Yoon Jeonghan here? In a nameless city? He didn’t put his feet anywhere remotely as close to a town. Even your trips while dating were to some exotic places.

Why are you following some stranger? Why are you still looking for him when you ended things with him? When will you learn?

—

You are at a restaurant again. This time Hansol chooses a seat next to Sunhee. During the one month since the team dinner, there have been little changes in Hansol. He has been starting conversations—not every single time but once or twice in a couple of weeks. He tries to attend the happy hours every Thursday.

Biggest change of all is he doesn’t shut down Sunhee completely. He sits in his chair when she comes around and doesn’t leave like previous times. Talks in sentences instead of one or two word answers. All in all you are proud to see the change.

“You are drinking tonight?” Sunhee holds the soju bottle, suspicious of your sudden need for alcohol. “Are you really sure you can hold your liquor?”

You roll your eyes, “I should be asking you that. Do you even remember what you do once you are drunk? Should I remind you of the countless times I have to drag your screaming ass?”

Hansol snickers.

“You too. You were the worst. How can you sleep in the middle of the road?!”

Hansol plucks the soju from Sunhee and pours you a drink. “Enjoy your night, senior.”

He is shutting you up with alcohol but you don’t complain, drowning it in one gulp. Ah, the bitterness. You missed the feeling.

“Pour me one too.” Sunhee shoves her glass into his face. “Why are you hiding it? I need a drink too.”

“Another!” You slam your empty glass on the table.

Hansol fulfills your request. You drain down the contents.

“Slow down.” Sunhee attempts to steal your glass. You slap her hand away. “What’s gotten into you today?”

“The rain doesn’t look like it’s gonna stop soon.” Hansol sighs, “I can’t believe we are in October already.”

Sunhee nods, momentarily forgetting about you stealing the bottle and pouring yourself another drink. “It’s getting chilly. I have to take out my scarves and cardigans.”

“October,” you sigh, dragging all of your hair to one side, “I hate octobers.”

“And that’s because?”

“Just hate it.” You shake your head, pouting. The table starts to spin, “hate it hate it.”

“She’s gone.” Hansol concludes.

“Not even half a bottle? You are drunk only from four glasses?” Sunhee throws her arms in the air, “I can’t believe you.”

You giggle into your palms. “Hehe.”

Sunhee and Hansol sit in silence, dropping everything to watch you, the ever uptight senior, always in control of every moment, giggling to yourself.

“Did you see what I saw?” Sunhee nudges Hansol’s ribs.

He gives an affirmative nod.

“What I’m saying is!!” You stand up holding the soju bottle as your mic, “hello! Everyone!”

The elder men all hooted back. Sunhee grabs your arm from across the table, whisper-yelling you to sit down.

The overhead lights are brighter than your future, blinding you for a second. “Hehe,” you snicker at the futile attempts of Sunhee to make you shut up, “I love youuuuu guysss.”

“Love you back, princess.” One of the drinkers calls back.

Few other voices overlap your muzzled brain can’t decipher. You turn to the audience, “what?”

A hand clamps your mouth shut, another hand dragging you out of the restaurant. “Touch alcohol one more time and you’ll see my—”

You fumble over your heel at an unseen step, falling onto your knees and hands. You giggle remembering something similar happened to you. You sit down on the wet floor wondering when you fell on the floor.

It was related to someone you love. “Loved.” You mutter to yourself, sadness washing all over you, “loved.” You toy with the sleeves of your shirt. “Is he celebrating now?”

Sunhee picks you up by your shoulder, “I can’t with you and this city. I am fed up. Stand up please. I can’t carry you all on my own. Where the fuck is Hansol?”

You lean on her shoulder, wrapping your arms around her. “Why do you hate this city so much? I love it!”

“Are you being serious now? What’s there to love about this city? No one loves this city except you.”

“That’s not true.” You watch a car approaching you two. “Hannie will love it.”

“Hannie?” She steals a glance at you. “Hansol? Since when did you two become nickname basis?”

Hansol gets down from the parked car, grabs you from Sunhee helping you into the car. He drops you on the seat, you plop down from the sudden release hitting the roof of the car. Your mind blanks out a second, pain vibrating throughout your skull.

“Careful.” Sunhee chides from behind, helps you sit up in the seat before buckling you up. “Are you okay? Should we go to the hospital?”

You smile, shaking your head.

“Are you sure?”

You nod.

Hansol drives you home. The rain hits the window harshly, the water sliding down in a hurry. Your eyes droop, blinking slowly at the blurry window. It’s October 4th. The day you dread, his birthday.

You honestly thought you were doing great. Going out, talking with new people, actively not pushing away people who show interest in you and even went on a date. It ended on a friendly note but the point is you moved on.

Until a memory or a food or a tv show reminds you of him. In the middle of the day when you hear someone hum a song he used to sing, you have to spend thirty minutes in the restroom consoling yourself, or overwork yourself to death.

Then you realised you can’t tear him away from your life. He is going to cross your mind, strangle your heart, and it will always leave a bitter taste of what could have been if you weren’t scared. If you were a little brave to accept him again, brave to loose Seungkwan over Jeonghan, and brave to face another heartbreak, you would have been celebrating his birthday.

Sunhee tugs you to your flat, holding your arm and keeping you from rain. The umbrella pokes your shoulder now and then, you stretch your arm enjoying the rain drops on your hand.

“Rain is pretty,” you mumble. A little sad that you are already under the roof. “Pretty, just like Hannie.”

“Hannie?” Hansol asks, confused.

“Hannie, Hansol.” Sunhee doesn’t spare him a glance, helping you up the stairs. “I didn’t know you were close.”

Hansol frowns, trying to squeeze between you two to face her. “I’m not close with her.”

“Keys?” She searches for the pocket you pointed in your bag. “Are you hungry? I can whip something up in a minute.”

You saunter into your home going straight to your bedroom. Opening your closet you grab the yellow pillow and fall on your comfortable bed. You nuzzle deeper into the pillow, mumbling his name.

“I don’t think she is calling for me.” Hansol stands at the door watching you cry into the pillow.

“Unrequited love?”

“Or an ex.”

—

The first time you have seen Jeonghan is at a party you weren’t invited to. The infamous yet rowdy party happening at one of the houses near your campus is always the talk of the town—a whisper shared between two, and then three. Next you were hoping you could at least get a glimpse of the dancing crowd and games.

Seungkwan, your almost knight in shining armour, dragged you along with him in hopes of shaking off the semester end exams. You were going back home tomorrow for the winter break, and he is staying back to work to save money.

Girls dressed in the shortest possible skirts, and moderately covering their assets you realized how outdated you are living. The long skirt you are donning is a hazard from the number of times you tripped, and almost dragged a stranger along with you to the floor if not for the wall.

Meandering the long halls, and along the locked rooms, you rest against the railing of the veranda. In spite of the chaoticness there was no one accompanying you, Seungkwan took a detour when he saw his crush from the statistics class. The full moon is shining in the sky, shining tranquility upon the drunk hazed people, and from the clouds eclipsing the moon your gaze falls on him.

He has neck length hair, mostly black, wavy at the ends. Bobbing his head to the chants from his group, “Yoon Jeonghan! Yoon Jeonghan!” He gestures his hand for them to chant louder, cupping his ear with a smirk. They comply, his name louder than the music blasting from a huge speaker.

A beer bottle is passed to him. He chugs its contents in a single lift, his Adam's apple moving along with his each gulp. He throws the bottle to the side, brushing his wet lips with the back of his hand. People burst out in cheers. He ducks down his hair hiding his face, shaking his head once before he flips his head back, his hair forming a perfect arc.

The clouds move away from the moon. His eyes fall on you.

—

Yoon Jeonghan is a final year student you got to know at the beginning of the spring season. Another hushed whisper among your classmates about his scandalizing break up happened at the cafeteria.

“He was drenched!” the girl beside you shrieks as slowly as she can without garnering attention from the professor but loud enough for you to hear.

“I wouldn’t have done that.” her friend chimes in. “not gonna lie he looked hot.”

“And embarrassing! Who gets dumped near a trash can with chocolate milk dripping down their face.”

“Yoon Jeonghan.”

—

Next time you hear about Yoon Jeonghan is from your best friend, Seungkwan. He is going off about his day, your daily ritual before sleep, when he comes to the part where his car has been crashed into (more like scratched but you weren’t going into details and spark another fire).

“That bastard,” Seungkwan eyes flit to you, “pardon my words but that scumbag deserves it.”

“Mmhmm.”

“He was so clearly in wrong, and he has fucking guts to say, ‘how much?’” Seungkwan’s face is as red as your pyjama pants. Should you be scared? “How much?! Where is the sorry and remorse? What happened to having decency?”

You nod. You swear you are trying your best to be empathetic to the victims of Yoon Jeonghan— the girl who got stood up in the rain, Seungkwan who got his car scratched, another girl who got dumped on the first date within ten minutes, another girl who you forgot about.

“If you can’t drive then you should stay home tending your ego.” Seungkwan rants on. And you keep nodding.

He is a menace. You know this, if you didn’t then you would be the dumbest person. But god isn’t he hot. That night still haunts your dreams, his eyes still on the back of your mind.

You hear your name. “Are you listening?”

“Of course.”

Would he kill you if you confess you are developing a crush on his enemy?

—

In a blink of an eye you were about to sit through your semester end exams. Library is bustling with drained and lifeless students, the smell of coffee lingers around you as you search for the row containing the textbook you are looking for.

“History… literature.. AH!” You step on something, losing your balance. You fall on your hands, minimising the fall trying not to scrape your knees. “Fuck.”

A male howls in pain.

“Shhh.”

Several shhs hit your face.

You sit on your bum, brushing off your scraped hands. A head peeks out of the rows of the bookshelves. His frowning eyes soften landing on you, revealing more of him. Yoon Jeonghan.

You tripped over his fucking feet.

“Who sleeps on the library floor?” You scoff, picking up your textbooks.

“Me?” He scoffs back. He crawls out of his hiding space, sitting in front of you. “Don’t you know to keep your eyes on the road?”

Now you understand why Seungkwan hates Jeonghan.

Jeonghan’s lips curl into a smile, as he clutches his ankle, “I think I hurt my ankle. What if I can’t walk?” He gasps, holding his chest.

You roll your eyes at his antics. Yet with little apprehension you near him, crawling to him, peering over his outstretched leg. You poke a finger at his ankle with a frown.

“Does it hurt?”

You look up at him meeting his silence, curling your hair behind your ear so you can see him clearly. His eyes follow your hand as you do it, lingering at the side of your face before snapping to your eyes.

“Ah, ah, it hurts.” He grins cheekily when you pinch his leg. “What? It takes time for your body to send signals to your brain.”

“I can’t believe you.” You stand up, dusting your ass off. You walk away from him, your heart clogged in your throat.

Fuck that was Yoon Jeonghan and you had a conversation with him.

“Hey,” he calls you. You turn around, hair obscuring your vision before you tuck it back, his head tilted to the side, “did we meet before?”

—

The semester came to an end. You heard about the biggest party of the year from your best friend as you are stuck at home.

Grad party of the century, and you are depressed that you missed your last chance of seeing Yoon Jeonghan.

Life works that way.

—

You aren’t sure whether to be happy as you are past the tumultuous student life or sad that you have finally become an adult.

Adulting came with responsibilities, body aches, and magic ability to fall asleep anywhere and anytime. Tiredness is your second nature at twenty two.

“I could have been sleeping but no. You fucking have to attend this fucking ridiculous reunion.” You exasperatedly throw your hands in the air.

Seungkwan feigns a hurt expression. “That hurts right here,” he pokes at his heart. “It’s been a year since we last met and here you are nagging.”

“Gah!” You march into the restaurant, throwing the door open, only on someone’s face. “Ah,” you cup your mouth with wide eyes.

Seungkwan slips past you pretending to not know you while the man you just hit is bent in half groaning in pain.

“Is that blood!?!?” You gasp again. Seungkwan is now running to the others. He is so going to die tonight for leaving you at times of crisis.

The man in the question stands up licking his thumb, “nah, that’s ketchup.”

“You!” You gasp yet again not believing your eyes.

“Yeah, me.” Jeonghan sniffles, touching his nose tenderly. “Why do you always inflict pain on me whenever we meet?”

“What pain?” You frown.

“You forgot?” He holds his left leg, “I still limp from the pain. And you forgot.” He clicks his tongue in annoyance, his eyes glimmering with mischief. “You wound me.” He later on adds touching his black nose, “literally.”

You step away from the entrance to let the customers flow in and out. Jeonghan trails behind you, limping when you look over your shoulder and walking perfectly fine when you look at him in the glass reflection ahead of you. This man—

“But from what I remember I think I stepped on your,” you flit your eyes down his pants, “didn’t I?” You lie.

His tongue pokes his cheek, interest blooming in his eyes as he watches you. “Well played.” He leads you to the boisterous table out of all, “remembering properly, didn’t you palm my—”

You hit his back with your wallet. “Fine! You win.”

He throws you a boyish grin over his shoulder, snagging two empty seats and patting one to you. You comply, accepting it and settling yourself for the long night. The fatigue from work disappears at the sight of Jeonghan’s teasing smiles and intrusive questions.

“We live ten minutes away!” He beams at the google maps displaying the route between his and your apartments. “So when are you bringing me homemade lunch?”

He props his elbow on the table, resting his chin on his palm watching you suffocate under his scrutiny. You nibble on the chicken leg, suddenly shy.

“Why would I ever do that?” You throw him a heated look.

He grins, finally having your attention on him. “Why not? Korea is known for its hospitality. Are you denying it by not bringing me food?”

This man’s audacity. A flicker in your heart. You toy the chicken between your fingers hundreds of thoughts running at a million speed. Is he insinuating what your overworking brain is thinking?

“Why don’t you bring me food? You can tend to me to,” you pick up the chicken again, taking a big bite. You are starving for fuck’s sake.

“Is this your way of roping me into your service?” He grabs a tissue, wiping your mouth as you chew. “Not only looks like a baby but is a baby.”

He flicks his eyes to yours, cunningness apparent in them. His face glows watching the pinkness spread across your cheeks.

“Should have opened the door harder,” you grumble under your breath.

Yoon Jeonghan throws his head back, laughing. And man doesn’t his laughter tickle your insides, ending with a smile on your lips too.

—

You aren’t sure how you ended up here. It’s been two months since the reunion dinner. Suddenly there are two adult sized kids bickering in the middle of your flat.

“That’s a lame movie.” Seungkwan points the TV remote at the Godzilla paused in the middle of roaring. Not a pretty sight and you are hundred percent sure those canines are gonna chase you in the dreams tonight.

Jeonghan dramatically clasps his chest, bunching his eyebrows together. “You are saying that to an animal?” He searches for his phone, “should report you to animal protection authorities. Cruel cruel human.”

Seungkwan grabs Jeonghan by the collar who just raises his eyebrow. “What are you saying?”

And cue. Another WWE fight breaks out in your home. You pick up your delicate vase and move your coffee table away from them. Picking up the discarded remote from the floor, you plop on the couch exiting the movie and playing a recently released rom-com.

Twenty minutes into the movie with you actively trying to catch the dialogues over two grown ups bickering, suddenly silence fills in. Did they finally kill each other?

Two men loom over you. You gulp, setting your feet down ready to run. Seungkwan makes a grabby hand for the remote only to be blocked by Jeonghan’s body. He rests his knee on the couch next to you, the other leg between your feet, trapping you.

You hide the remote behind you, not letting go of the chance to watch your most anticipated film. It’s Friday night, it's supposed to be your unwinding time from the week’s stress. And you haven’t tasted peace since Jeonghan started crashing in your spare bedroom regularly—despite having his own huge flat all to himself.

He is a wall taking in Seungkwan’s hits. His fingers trail down your arm with a tickling touch. His fingers grazing your waist before slipping his hand between you and the couch. Seungkwan pushes him and Jeonghan crashes into you. His chest landing on your face. Your grip loosens on the remote momentarily as you try to push him off of you.

He steals the remote from you, walking away in a second. Seungkwan berates you while you catch your breath, still feeling the softness of his shirt.

Jeonghan resumes Godzilla sitting in the middle of the couch. The smirk never leaves his lips.

—

Jeonghan is your unofficial roommate at this point. He is on your mind while grocery shopping and planning the dinners for the coming weeks. He hates greens and you can’t sit through another lecture on how we are stealing animals’ food. Ridiculous, yet you couldn’t help but nod along with his points.

After getting used to his antics’ and finding him sprawled on your couch by the time you are home from the office, it is odd to not see him some days.

You will find yourself sitting on the couch where he should have been and lay there for a few minutes wondering. Asking him will make it easier and can put your overthinking brain to rest. But there’s this meaningless fear of him finding out your crush.

He is not home today, and the TV isn’t playing in the background. It is friday and usually he is at home, waiting for you. A sigh escapes your lips as you drop the keys in the bowl and neatly line up your shoes. You pause by the couch staring at the empty couch, what is he up to?

Your shoulders snag realizing there is no movie night today. You can’t slowly find yourself resting against him, some days on his lap falling asleep as he runs his fingers across your hair. Is he on a date? Did he find someone? Is that why he is not with you now?

Sadness engulfs you, the thought alone rattling your peace. What will you do if you see him with someone else? This whatever that is between you two is doomed to begin with. Seungkwan has been relentless about his hatred for your crush, throwing warnings everytime possible.

“He is not right for you. I never saw him with the same girl.” Seungkwan’s words are an echo in your mind. “You deserve more than him.”

But you want Yoon Jeonghan. Whatever or however he is. You like him as he is.

He doesn't reciprocate the same, apparently. You never find him looking at you twice or bringing up dating or anything he usually does. You heard stories of him but not one of them playing out in reality. Does he not see you as a girl? Are you his bro?

Before you can spiral into your downfall you rush into the shower to clean yourself of the miseries.

—

One hour into a refreshing bath and re-energized version of you, you step out of the shower only to find you forgot to bring in change of clothes. Wrapping a towel around your wet body you open the bathroom door to rush into your bedroom.

Watching over your steps trying not to slip and meet the floor, your eyes are rooted on the floor. A rustle of a bag of chips falling on the ground startles you.

Yoon Jeonghan is standing across the hallway still clad in his work suit, his lips parted and gaze scanning over you slowly, lingering. You grab onto the knot holding your towel tightly, the sound of your heart too loud even to your ears. With a shriek you rush into your room slamming the door behind you.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck.” You pull your hair in frustration.

Did he see you?

Of course he did. He couldn’t move his eyes off of you.

“Ugh.” You groan into void. How to face him again?

You are prancing around your room—clothed, you learnt your lesson now. Wasting time inside so that magically the night will deepen and he falls asleep. You will go out once everything is clear to grab some food. Your stomach growls, not agreeing to the timeline.

Jeonghan knocks on your door, “come out.”

“No.” The answer is swift, surprising yourself.

“I ordered chicken and beer.”

He can’t know the cheat code to your weakness. How does he know it’s your favorite? You didn’t mention it to him. Did you?

He raps his knuckles again on the door. “Come on.”

You trace the doorknob pondering. Your stomach growls yet again. You turn the knob opening the door, Jeonghan is leaning against the door frame, his suit jacket missing and the top three buttons of his dress shirt undone.

You avoid his eyes, tucking your wet hair behind your ear. He inches towards you, lingering for a second before walking back into the living room.

The dinner passes in silence, the usual chatterbox Jeonghan is concentrating more on his chicken. You frown when he lets you pick the movie without a fight or random game. Not wanting to let go of the golden chance you choose the cheesiest chick flick to rile him up. Only for him to watch it without a comment.

In the middle of the movie, amidst the hero and heroine yelling their love for each other, Jeonghan’s hands rest over yours. When the couple on screen is kissing, he interlocks his fingers with yours.

—

“I can’t believe you!” Yoon Jeonghan is pacing around your living room. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“Why are you yelling?” You shout back and shrink back into the corner of the couch receiving a glare from him.

“Why? Why?!” He marches towards you, gripping your cheeks. “You exactly know why. Don’t play dumb.”

A storm is brewing in his black eyes, but still pretty, and still lovely. This is the exact reason you did what you did. Went on a date arranged by Seungkwan.

It was okay. Your date was plain, boring. Ending the date quickly, you came home only to find a fuming Jeonghan.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” You push his chest, he doesn’t budge. “Let go, Jeonghan.”

“She doesn’t know,” his voice is low, threatening. “Sneaking into my bed middle of night thinking I don’t know, and leaving before I wake up, what does that mean?”

He curls the stray strand behind your ear, “stealing looks, clothes. What is my hoodie doing in your closet, baby?”

“I’m not sure.” You fluster, gripping onto the couch, pushing yourself back into it as much as you can, away from him.

“How was he?” He pushes your chin up, “look at me.”

“Why do you care?” You snap. “You don’t even care. I am going crazy because you don’t even care—mmmph.”

He shuts you up, crashing his lips on yours. You imagined this moment countless nights, on your bed restless and desperate. He would do it slowly, sweetly just how he is with you. But you were wrong. His kisses are feral, biting and, and, so, so Jeonghan.

He bites on your lower lip, soothing the sting with his tongue. You gasp, your tongues clashing for dominance. Slowly you follow his dance, letting him lead. You are sprawled on the couch, Jeonghan hovering over you, his knee nuzzled just right between your legs.

He breaks the kiss, a wet string of saliva trailing behind his lips. The storms in his black eyes shifted into starry eyes, ethereal, luring you right into him.

“Pretty boy.” You cup his cheek. He leans into your touch, closing his eyes, inhaling big gulps of air. “Mine.”

His eyes snap open, a glimmer, possessiveness shining in them. He shifts, his knee pressing into your core. A moan spills from your lips before you can stop it, eyes fluttering shut from the bliss. He presses further extracting moan after moan.

His name, a prayer, chanting the entire night as he makes sure you know just how much he cares.

—

“Don’t panic,” Jeonghan chuckles at your panicky self, rummaging through the first aid kit. “It’s just blood.”

You slam the cotton on the coffee table, glaring at him. The smile drops off his face seeing the unshed tears. A sour taste spreads across his mouth, he doesn’t like it. He hates seeing you cry, he realized.

You weren’t a crybaby, even during the fights and silent treatment you didn’t cry. His heart softens, grasping the meaning, oh, you love him. If you asked Jeonghan later on which moment solidified his love for you, he would point out this exact moment.

You tenderly tend his bruised hands and legs, wiping your eyes with your sleeves. Once neatly bandaged you put back everything in the kit not meeting his eyes.

He calls your name. You shake your head. He sighs, pulling you onto his lap not heeding your warnings. He circles his arms around your waist, resting his face in your chest.

“Home.”

—

You wake up with a jerk, heart beating against your chest like you were running a marathon. Squeezing yourself out of the tangled blanket, you wipe the wetness off your face, eyes.

Jeonghan. You dreamt of him. It’s been so long since you have seen his smile, the dream Jeonghan was your Jeonghan, the one you fell in love with.

It’s the day after his birthday, you want, need, to check who he celebrated it with. Who took your place in his life. You trudge to the living room searching for the phone, a dull pound in your temples slowing your body. Why did you have to drink?

The phone is lying on the kitchen counter next to your bag, and you see notifications from Seungkwan. Twenty messages and three calls. You swipe off his ‘don’t do anything stupid’ messages and open your fake account.

You sit on your knees, pushing your hair away from your eyes. It would be a lie to say you aren’t scared. If he has a girl again you don’t know how you would stomach it. Your thumb shivers before clicking on his profile.

No update. No story. Or any post. You sit back on your butt staring at the dry profile. Did he finally choose to go private? Or did he figure out that bloom_234 is you?

Or what if he didn’t have any girl last night.

You click on his contact, still blocked. Should you unblock him? He doesn’t even know if you unblocked him, it’s been more than a half year. You unblock him before nerves get you. Or Seungkwan.

—

“He is still sulking,” Seungkwan’s girlfriend rolls her eyes, “you know how he is.” She says with an exasperated sigh, summing up the childish acts of her boyfriend.

It’s Sunday, and it’s been a week since you unblocked Jeonghan. He didn’t realise it just as you expected. You weren’t going to push it, or beg him this time. At least you leveled up one bit from being a pathetic loser to a loser.

Call with Seungkwan has become inevitable as he threatened to revoke your right to be one of his groomsmen. He proposed to his long time girlfriend last weekend.

“You would have known if you picked up my calls.” He berates when you pout about missing out on a precious moment.

His girlfriend who was already brighter than the sun is shining like a thousand suns combined in her. The green feeling births inside your chest and you snuff it out before it can blazes over.

“I’m so happy for you.” Your eyes prick from the overflowing emotions. “So so happy.”

You really are. Seungkwan and you have been attached to each other since high school, seen every phase, every embarrassing moment and every key event of each other’s lives. And now marriage.

They both smile endearingly at each other, Seungkwan kisses her ring clad finger before turning to you with a serious expression. Uh-oh.

“What were you doing all these months? Why are you avoiding me?”

You flip the pancake, pressing on it with spatula. “I didn’t avoid you.” You hold the phone away from your face, “I was busy getting used to a new place and settling in. Mind you of the fact I have to set up everything on my own.”

Seungkwan barks into the phone, his voice loud to your quiet apartment. “You are avoiding me now. Show me your face.”

You wince, setting the spatula down and picking up your phone. “Happy?”

“This is exactly how a guilty person looks.” He sits up from the bed, rubbing his swollen face, “spill.”

“Spill what?” You sweat, despite the cold autumn breeze flowing in through your balcony. “Ah, there’s new love blooming in my office. Cute I have to say. Didn’t confess yet, but they are on their way.

“Can you believe Hansol also tried ‘Get Love Quick’ only to be paired with a man?” You continue not giving a second for Seungkwan to budge in. If he knows you have opened the gate to Jeonghan again, he will manifest himself next to you in mere seconds. “Well, that’s that. Anyway, Sunhee is excited that they are going out this friday. She said some place but I don’t remember where it is.”

Seungkwan calls your name in a warning.

“What?” You whine, turning off the stove, leaning on the kitchen counter. “What else do you want me to do? I made new friends, I am not wallowing in self-pity, and I am not saying no to blind dates. What else do you want Boo Seungkwan? Should I write off my life now?”

“Did you talk with Yoon Jeonghan? Again?” Seungkwan discards your rant like removing a cherry from a cake.

“I didn’t!”

“Guys. Guys.” Seungkwan’s girlfriend snatches the phone from him. “You have to chill,” she chides her boyfriend. “And you,” she gets down the bed and walks out of the room, away from Seungkwan. “He is just worried about you. You literally ghosted us for months. You know how he gets.”

You hold the bridge of your nose, letting out a long exhale. “Yeah, I am sorry.” You pick your breakfast to your couch. “It’s just.. Its too much. I mean I am human, what if I did text him,” you quickly add, noticing her alarmed expression, “I didn’t. Hypothetically, I am saying. He isn’t a bad person, you know.”

“If he was so bad, why would I,” you trail off, not seeing the point in explaining yourself again and again to someone who just couldn’t get you. “Enough about me. How’s the celebrations going on? How did your family react to the engagement?”

She lets the topic change with a side glance. “They knew about it. He met my family and asked for their permission.” She huffs in disbelief, a smile on her face, “I can’t believe my family knows how to shut up. Usually, we kims are very bad at keeping secrets.”

“I had to prepone the date a week,” Seungkwan joins in, resting his chin on her shoulder, “her sister almost spilled the beans and I was pissing in pants the entire time. You had to be there to see it.”

You chuckle, taking a bite of the pancake. “I missed it all, didn’t I? I am sorry, I wasn’t there to help you with your big moment.”

“That’s okay,” Seungkwan brushes it off, his girl bobbing her head. “My big moment will be in six months, and I am gonna kill you if you miss it.”

You screech, dropping your fork to the carpet. You promise him to be there with him for planning and executing everything, letting him verbally bind you to a contract having you to be a slave for him as long as he wants if you miss even a small event.

You should’ve stopped yourself, should’ve seen the red light glaring but you concede away blind in happiness.

—

Universe is plotting against you. The series of misfortunate events should speak for itself. It started with a client imposing an urgent task, throwing you off your work schedule. Your heater at home crashed forcing you to experience a free simulation of how raw chill autumn nights work. The repairman is out of town, ranaway to marry the love of his life. Administration is on look out for a replacement. And, you had to catch the new love birds making out at the staircase.

Awkward is just another word as you currently sit at your desk avoiding your juniors. You weren’t mad per say seeing them break rules it's more of a shock, like seeing your sister make out. Sunhee has grown close to you over the days, especially after the disastrous night of her taking care of you.

“Come on,” she swivels her chair next to you, “till when are you going to run away. I am sorry!”

“What? Who?” You blink at her feigning innocence after almost reaching for the bleach to clean your eyes. “Did something happen that I should know of?”

Hansol stretches his body, walking away from you guys with his hands in pockets and whistling his way out. Sunhee grumbles under her breath, “scaredy-cat.” She turns to you, eye-to-eye. You push your chair away from her slowly, scared for your life. “You are almost 30, and you act like you haven’t seen a kiss or kissed someone.”

That hurts your pride. “What?!”

She has a teasing lilt, “but that couldn’t be true.” Her eyes shine, mimicking you, “‘Hannie, Hannie, my Hannie will like Yangsan’.”

You shove her face off of you. “Shut up. We are in the office. And I am your senior. I can easily report you—”

“Who is he?”

“I have a deadline. And you have one too.” You roll her away to her desk. “If you could go back to working I’ll be happy that I won’t need to pull another all-nighter.”

She is back at your side in a beat. “Who is he? Tell me. It’s only fair since you know all of my love story—”

“Only because you shove it in my face even when I don’t want to—”

“—I won’t stop pestering you until you go on a date.”

“Don’t you have a boyfriend? I’m flattered that you find me attractive but I like men.”

“Ha. Ha. Funny.” She folds her arms, “on a blind date. With a man. That’s the only requirement for you right?”

“Excuse me!” You are offended yet again. “My bar isn’t as low as you think. I’m one sophisticated woman.”

“This Sunday at 6. Be ready.” She rolls away humming a song.

Did you just get blackmailed into a date?

—

The restaurant is bustling. You check the message from Hansol again to confirm your date is at the expensive restaurant of Yangsan. Checking up on the details of the restaurant, you had to recheck the city and pin code to make sure it’s in the city.

People in their fifties, pepper hair and classy suits, a woman on their arm, file in and out of the wooden doors. You press the black velvet dress, smoothing down your jitters. It’s been so long since you dined in a fine restaurant. Three years to be exact.

How bad does your date want to impress you to choose this place? Can you back out now? Is it too late?

He’s waiting.

-Hansol

You groan reading the text. There’s no way out of it now. You put the phone back in your purse clicking it shut. Rounding your shoulders you get ready for the date, it’s going to be alright. You flick your hair back, pulling your dress a little higher and you climb the steps to the door. A sweet valet parker beats you in opening the door for you. Mumbling a thank you, you wait for the attendee to finish up talking with an elderly couple.

“Welcome!” The lady dressed in a red jacket and red lipstick beams at you.

With a small smile, you check the message from Hansol again. “Hey. My reservation is for table 17?”

She checks her iPad scrolling through her list before leading you through the oak tables, servers tending to customers, different scents of food hitting your nostrils, awakening your dead hunger. All the anxiety numbed you from the usual munching of your snacks, and the dread of the date now settled in your stomach. You may throw up if food hits your stomach but you may faint if you don’t eat anything in the next hour. Workings of your body never leaves you amazed.

“Here you are,” she points to the empty chair, her red lips still stretched wide in a smile.

You look up from your phone reading the sender’s name. Seungkwan. “Thank you,” you bow to the lady. Your phone vibrates in your hand, your life tilted on the axis seeing the man sitting at your table, supposed to be your date.

Yoon Jeonghan is occupying the other chair watching you with his hooded eyes, hard to read, hard to decipher his feelings. You hold the woman’s shoulder before she can leave you two. “Are you sure this is table 17?”

Her perfect grin slips, a frown dancing on her face, checking the iPad yet again. “I am sure. This is the table. Is there any problem?”

Jeonghan shifts in his chair uncomfortably. You made the mistake of meeting his eyes, the darkness in them pulled you in, his eyebrows pulled in, and a breath escaping his parted lips. You can't believe that you are again here, in the same situation as few months ago, set up with Jeonghan coincidentally. He anticipates your decision, not saying a word or asking you to join him. Should you go along with this dinner or take a turn and make a run?

Your comments, reblogs and likes are very much appreciated as they encourage me to write more! Here is the like to part 2

#HHF #HHF - feedback

423 notes · View notes

coupsalchemy · 9 days ago

Text

I’m SO happy that you felt every emotion while reading them 🥹🥹🥹 honestly when I was near the end while writing them I realised how far they have come, sighs, proud of them. And they will last forever because *coughs* manipulative *coughs* Jeonghan won’t leave her behind (but lovingly; until she reallyyyyyyyy wants out which isn’t gonna happen as we all know)

When I was writing Jeonghan I did really want to tone down his cunningness (eyes the way he got them caught with Hansol and Sunhee, and Mingyu-> Seungkwan) I was scared people wouldn’t find him appealing. But I couldn’t write him in any other form. He is just… him.

Thank you SO much for reading this humongous fic and sharing your thoughts 🥺🥺 it really means the world to me!!

Hothouse Flower [Part 2]

Tags: Jeonghan x f.reader, exes! au, second chance romance, angst, yearning, fluff, suggestive, SLOW BURN

Warnings: mdni, very suggestive, just a very angry Jeonghan, swearing, and a lot of grammatical mistakes as English isn't my first language.

Word Count: 20k (this part, total 40k)

Please read part 1

Also I want to thank my two friends who have been patiently answering my questions, and kept on encouraging me all the time. If not for you two this wouldn't have happened. Thank you!!

divider credits to the rightful owner.

Inhaling a deep breath you center yourself. One dinner and you will be on your way again. Nothing will happen. It would be like two long lost friends sharing a meal. Friends who know each other way too intimately. You set your purse on the table, dragging the chair out and sitting on it. The wetness of your palms leaves a handprint on the wooden table.

Jeonghan is still guarded, still holding up his walls. You read the signs, the clench of his jaw, and the fist of his hands resting on the table. Why are you seeing him again and again? Just when you thought you are doing better than you ever are. The cruel games of life always surprises you especially when it picks out your weakest spot and punches you there again and again. Jeonghan is that for you. Jeonghan is for you.

“Hi.”

Hearing his voice rattles the calmness you built with deep inhales and exhales, throws you on a road with oncoming cars and nowhere to go. Something warm, something him, and something you know all too well. “Hi.”

He searches your face, leaning into the table, resting his arms on the table. “How are you?” His tone softens like the whispers shared in the middle of the night.

The world fades away. All you can see is him, his sunken cheeks, tired eyes with black circles around them, and he has lost weight since you last saw him. Questions rest on the tip of your tongue— are you eating? Are you even sleeping? What happened to you? Too scared to ask him. Too scared to hear what you are avoiding to acknowledge.

“I am good.” You answer, your hand rests on the table, a few inches away from his. Your fingers stretch and clamp shut, close but far. “Doing good.”

“I can see.” The fluorescent lights glisten his unshed tears like a star sparkling in the night sky. He tilts his head to the side, “I am happy.”

His forefinger stretches, brushing your hand before sitting back in his chair. His long hair is ruffled, a few strays here and there. He must have trimmed the ends, you remember them being longer in the dark of your room. The black jacket sits beautifully on his shoulders bringing out his collarbones, the white satin shirt dones him well.

“I was scared,” he says, your attention moving from the bare skin to his pink chapped lips. “I couldn’t even hope of you sitting with me,” he pauses, “that too on a date.”

He is laying it down, this is a date and he isn’t going to take any other answer for it. You can run away now, if you want to. One look at him, his focused gaze is all you needed to tell he isn’t going to let you go now, not without a fight. You have seen this look on him when you went on a date with someone else.

You shrug in response, playing with the ends of the menu. “How do you know Sunhee?”

“Are you ready to order?” A waiter pops at your table before he can answer.

You hastily flip the menu reading the foreign words butchering the pronunciation in your head. The date at this restaurant had to be your first clue. Jeonghan has always been big on dining at places like this during your relationship, and it took him a while to tone it down and go to the comfortable ones you love.

“Can I order on behalf of you?” His question startles you. The waiter is scribbling down on her notepad before looking at you expectantly. Pink tints your cheeks, chewing on your lower lip you nod wearily. You feel so out of place. Jeonghan’s gaze lingers longer on you, and without a glance at the menu he just orders.

“No seafood, please.” You budge in hurriedly in case the waiter marches off.

“This is all chicken,” she smiles at you, “if that’s all will be back in a minute.”

You prick your fingers feeling his attention on you. “What?”

He swallows all the words he wanted to say, giving you a feeble, “nothing.”

Your phone vibrates causing the purse to clatter against the wooden surface. You ignore it thinking it might be Sunhee checking up on you. “So, how do you know Sunhee?” You have a lot of questions brewing in your chest but for now you settle for this. For now you will learn about things you can handle.

Jeonghan folds his arms across his chest, “I heard of her. Hansol’s girlfriend?”

You nod.

An affectionate smile curls his lips up, “that kid finally manned up, huh?” Seeing your confusion he chuckles scrunching his nose, “Hansol lives next to me.”

“You live here?” You reel back in your seat. Not in your wildest dreams did you expect Jeonghan to live in a measly town. “In Yangsan?”

“Why? Is it hard to believe?”

You don’t answer. You don’t even want to dare to think of the reason behind his move. Did he come to Yangsan because of you?

“I travel to Seoul every other week.” He answers your unasked question, a knowing smirk on his face. “But I do live here most of the time.” He looks out the glass window, “I love Yangsan. It has a different air. You know what I mean?”

The unasked question lingers at the table, between you and him. He looks at you expectantly wanting to hear it directly from you. A part of you is itching to ask, the part which didn’t die when he broke you apart and is dying to be with him again.

You don’t ask him, flipping the menu your finger trails across the drinks section. Alcohol might help you in sitting for this long dinner.

“You aren’t drinking.” He snatches the menu out of your hands and snaps it shut, setting it beside him. His arm reaches for you, he stops himself from touching your palm. “I’m sorry but I want you to be sober for this dinner. I want all of your attention on me. You can drink on our next date.”

You scoff at his audacity, “what makes you even think there will be another date?”

Jeonghan shrugs, “a feel.”

The waiter appears again by your side setting the cutlery shooting a customer friendly smile. Jeonghan mumbles a thanks. He checks his phone, poking his cheek with his tongue, eyes sliding across the messages.

“You are loved by many.” He sets his phone on the table, “I just got warned to be nice from Hansol. Tell me, how do you know him?”

“My coworker? Isn’t it glaringly obvious that we work in the same company—”you realise“—unless you forgot.”

Jeonghan frowns, “forget? I remember everything about you. Ask me something and I will walk out if I get it wrong.”

You are stumped for words. Clinks of the forks against the porcelain plates fills the space between you two. Your brain is thrown into overworking, stimulated from all the conversations. What is he playing at? He is talking about the next date when the current date is already hanging by a thread.

“I never got to ask Hansol where he worked.” He slices the silence with his sharp words, “knowing things were never kind enough to me in my life to have everything I wanted on a platter, I didn’t expect you to be so close.”

You blink at him, reanalysing the nooks and crooks of his words. Served on a platter? Did he really know that you moved here? Your parents learned that you moved after you got to Yangsan a week later. There will be no way he knows it before anyone, Seungkwan isn’t going to spill the beans, not especially to his mortal enemy.

“I know everything,” he answers. “I didn’t want to know where you are residing at,” his voice cracks again, “I didn’t want to pry when you wanted space from me.

“I was hoping, if not desperate, for you to pop up at every street corner I take or the beach I spent almost all my time at. To just get a glimpse of you, and want to see you be happy with my own eyes. I’m happy that you are finally happy.”

He is here. For you. For you. Your dead heart starts pounding as if you just ran a marathon, gasping for air, and his hand is clasping yours. Grounding you. His fingers press sharply into the back of your hand turning the skin white. He is mumbling some incoherent words, must be sweet ones because those words are lulling you.

“Jeonghan.” You stabilize yourself this time quickly, not wanting to dwell longer on the what ifs and what have been. “It’s not fair. I told you. I told you I didn’t want you to know.”

His dark eyes examine your features, the unease on his face fading once he makes sure you are okay. You weren’t but you aren’t gonna throw yourself in panic like you did on the blind date with him.

“Are you sure you don’t want me?” He shakes his head, “that’s not it. I just want us to exist together. I am happy as long as I am next to you, boyfriend or not.”

“You’ll be happy if I get another man?”

His eyes flash. The storm in his eyes is brewing, distant, imagining you with someone else. His hold slackens for a second and he grips your hand like his life depends on it. Did he feel the same way when you sent him the pictures of your date? You don’t know what to believe anymore, his radio silence after your break up or this Jeonghan who is absolutely feral about a single thought.

“Your food is here~” the waiter arrives carrying a tray.

You attempt to loosen your hand in his vice grip. He holds onto your fingers in a desperate attempt. One look from you and he lets go. The waitress watches our exchange awkwardly.

She serves a small portion of food onto your plate leaving you gawking at it in disbelief. The anger and the panic subsides, your hunger taking over your body, and these servings won’t ever be able to fill your stomach. You wait for the waitress to magically whip out the remaining portion of the food but she only smiles and leaves you again. Did you say you hate these fine dine restaurants yet?

“Come on,” Jeonghan picks up the knife and fork, cutting the meat into bite size pieces for you. The bracelet on his hands shines under the light, the one you gifted him. “Try it,” he pushes a piece to you with expectant eyes.

Your stomach flutters at his gesture. Damn you, Yoon Jeonghan. You follow his words, chewing on the food, the flavors burst out on your tongue, eyes fluttering close at the heavenly feeling. Alright you don’t exactly hate these restaurants. When you open your eyes Jeonghan is staring at you, his lips parted, and focus on your lips. You dab the juice on your lips, snapping him out of his daze.

“Worth it, isn’t it?” He is occupied in slicing his food into smaller chunks.

You cross your legs under the table, your foot nudging his leg. “Sorry,” you sit back, resting your leg to the side of his so you don’t touch him. “This is good and all but once you eat Halmae’s food you won’t eat anywhere else.”

He chews on the food, his eyes never leaving yours. “Really? Where is it?”

You poke another piece with your fork, “near my office. The perfect time to eat is when you are tired, sun is heavy and you just have to sit before the fan, and eat the first bite of her cold noodles. Heaven on earth.”

Jeonghan rests his chin on his propped up palm, “really? Should do it one day.”

You don’t bite onto his open invite. You are still unsure on why you are dining with him. He chews on his food, a small smile on his lips watching the gears turning in your head. You tap your forefinger on the table contemplating what his end game is. Sitting with him on a date is you being selfish for a bit. You want to see him, have his attention on you. Only you. Throwing caution to the wind and all the repercussions can be dealt later, a future you’s problem.

He didn’t know it was you Hansol set him up with. All these big talks about wanting you and still going on dates? It’s a Jeonghan move. Fresh after break up, coming out of five years of relation and he was going on dates after dates. It bruised your heart and also your self esteem. You have to question him, call him out on his actions not following his words.

“You are thinking,” he sets his cutlery on the empty plate. “Ask me.”

“Nothing.” You set your fork down. It turns out you are scaredy cat than you thought you were. “What are you doing in Yangsan? Working from home?” Last time when you checked his company doesn’t have branches or accommodate the option of working from home.

“Not really.”

He reads through the menu, his lower lip caught between his teeth. You lean back in your chair waiting for him to explain more only for him to divulge deeper into the menu. He isn’t going to expand more on his answer, uneasiness makes you restless in your seat. If he is dodging the questions something must have happened. You are terrified to find out, his answer can be from taking a leave or murdering someone, you never know with him.

“It’s nothing horrible,” Jeonghan says, not averting his gaze from the menu, the frown line between his eyebrows makes you want to run a finger to soften his skin. You catch yourself before falling into the endless abyss of him. “I am in between jobs.”

“In between? What happened to your old one?”

Jeonghan raises his hand signaling for a waiter. “Didn’t like it. Quit it.” He steals a quick glance at you, and talks with the waiter ordering more food. He is one hundred percent hiding something.

It isn’t your place to ask, you say to yourself. Whatever he does with his life, if he rots away or one day gets found in a ditch, it’s not your place to question. But how can you not care? He is yours—was yours. Could be yours again.

“Drop it, please.” Jeonghan says. “Tell me more about you, how’s your life here at Yangsan. Do you like it?”

He is all eyes on you, hands clasped together, desperate to change the topic. You let it slide this time, he isn’t yours anymore to sort his messes. “I love Yangsan,” you answer, and the heaviness surrounding him lifts off at the change of topic. “I didn’t expect to fall in love with a place but you know how life works.”

His smile is soft just like his smile. This is getting too much, the composure you have built till now is slowly chipping away at the ends, his soft smiles, and the loving gaze is reminding you of the days you tucked away in your heart. You want to stretch your hand, run it through him, hide yourself in his arms, and ask him how he really has been doing. But for now you say, “it took me some time to get used to the hospitality, they were so helpful—a little too helpful,” you chuckle, he does too and that sound does wonders to you, colors bursting everywhere, there it is your favorite sound.

Jeonghan’s smile falters, noticing the shift in you, he remembers you guess, he remembers that his laugh is the only thing that kept you afloat. There were times when you were dying to listen to it again, feel it under your fingertips, and let the sound of it give you strength to keep going. You were in shambles thinking you aren’t gonna feel it anymore, but when it is here, before you, so near and yet so far, you settle to just listen to it, a stranger whose laughs you know intimately.

Your phone buzzes in your purse, relentlessly, the messages going off. “Excuse me,” you check your device wondering who can possibly need you at this time of the day. Your breath gets stuck in your throat reading the caller id. Seungkwan. You look at Jeonghan who went rigid, glancing at your phone.

Seungkwan will kill you if he knows what you are up to. If he realizes you are, even if it is for a few minutes, entertaining the idea of having Jeonghan back in your life, one way or the other, he would strangle you to death, or preach you to death on how amazing other men are compared to Jeonghan. Anyone but Jeonghan.

For now, you let the call go to a missed call. You silence your phone and throw it back into your purse. Jeonghan breathes in deeply, dropping his head into his hands, running his hands through his hair. With a shake of his head to himself, he smiles. For now, you decide you want to think about yourself, prioritize what your heart says instead of other’s. Seungkwan will understand, hopefully. He would realize what Jeonghan has, what only you both have and why you can’t find it with anyone else.

Neither of you address the elephant in the room, concentrating on the food the waiter has brought. Jeonghan dismisses her, and serves you the food in a way you prefer, remembering that you like to have your food bite-sized. He wordlessly sets your plate before you, and goes to cut the food for himself.

Who will do all of this for you? No one, except the man before you.

—

The valet brings Jeonghan’s car. He somehow got you to agree to let him drop you home. You watch Jeonghan as he converse with the valet, inhaling the subtle hints of his perfume, his warmth seeping into your side, an ache of want thrums in you, to feel his embrace. You step aside, maintaining distance before you do something you shouldn’t.

“Come on,” Jeonghan’s arm hovers around your waist, not touching. He smiles down at you, opening the car door, you slid down into the seat. He bends over helping with your dress, once you are tucked in safely he closes the door. He runs across the car, his hair bouncing with each step, and he is next to you in a blink of an eye. “Address?”

You enter your address into the GPS. He connects his phone, the songs automatically playing. No one says a word, the uncertainty of the situation you guys are entangled in. Will you meet again? Or is this how it is going to end. A bitter taste spreads in your mouth at the idea of not seeing him again when he looks this good, and so fits perfectly in your life. But he left you. There’s no guarantee that he isn’t going to pull the same stunt twice.

You sigh, resting your head on the window watching cars drive past you. Jeonghan glances at you but doesn’t comment on it. The thirty minute ride is extended to fifty minute ride with Jeonghan missing the turns. He rolls the car to a stop before your apartment observing your neighborhood. This is it.

You unbuckle the seatbelt. Stop me, ask me to stay, ask me if we can meet again. He doesn’t, he wishes you good night and sleep well. You glance over your shoulder once at the entrance of your building, he is there sitting and waiting. With a dejected sigh you walk towards the stairs, tears sitting in your eyes. Your mind chanting his name, only his name. Yoon Jeonghan. Jeonghan. Jeonghan. Hannie.

He is back in your life not more than a couple of hours and he is already messing with your head. You wipe the corner of your eyes as you search the keys in your purse. Your phone lights up, scared it is Seungkwan. You pluck out the device reading his name.

See you soon.

-Hannie

—

Sunhee is at your neck on Monday, trailing behind you like a puppy with hundred questions shooting at you at rocket speed. You dodged most of them with evasive answers.

How was it?

Good.

How was he?

Good.

There's a second date on cards then?

Sunhee is relentless with her unanswered question, constantly at your desk under the ruse of some work when she wants to bug you.

“Jeonghan is handsome,” she whispers, “Hansol showed me a picture of him last night, and god, isn’t he hot.”

It's bait, she is dangling the hook at your face. You press your lips in a thin line, glaring at her boyfriend who is also eavesdropping at your conversation. You fold your arms across your chest, “you two, back to work.”

Sunhee clicks her tongue, throwing a dirty look at you. She picks up her papers from your desk and struts back to her desk, exchanging a look with her boyfriend. Hansol shrugs, mouthing words so fast it's hard for you to read. If they are still talking about the date, they didn’t catch the wind of your past, yet. A shudder passes through you imagining your future when they’ll get their hands on it. You are grateful that Jeonghan didn’t say anything to them.

You check your phone thinking of him. You slept for two hours max, flipping and turning around your bed pondering and dissecting each and every second of the date. You enjoyed your time with him if you turn blind eye to a few things—things that will blow up in your face, but that’s not what you want to focus on now. His message is still sitting unanswered. He sent a good morning.

You lock the phone when Sunhee is approaching you yet again with another set of papers. You groan, giving up. “Fine. Fine. I don’t know about the second date, we didn’t say anything about it.”

Sunhee throws the papers back at her desk, rolling her chair next to you. “What do you mean by 'didn't talk’? You plan your next meeting and kiss goodbye, that’s how things work.”

A coworker gives judgemental looks, overhearing Sunhee’s not so subtle voice while walking to his cubicle.

“Great, why don’t you just announce it to the entire world to listen,” you hiss.

Hansol stretches his arms, standing up stretches his body, picking up his cup he joins your little huddle.

“Wow.” The couple isn’t going to let your ass go. “I think it’s high time for you two to work separately. Need to mail HR.”

Sunhee rolls her eyes, “fine. I’ll let you off the hook.”

Hansol scowls as if saying how could you. You glare at him. Sunhee doesn’t heed to him, adding, “only if you are coming for drinks after work, my home.”

Hansol’s frown morphs into a proud smile. You are ready to throw your hands in the air. She beats you to it, dropping her strong voice to a tiny squeaky voice, “I wanted some time you know, I didn’t get to be with you this weekend—” you genuinely frown at her words “and you already know how much care I put in last time you got drunk.” She blinks her doe eyes at you.

Drinks sounds good. Having your mind off of something or more like someone is what you need now. And it’s not everyday that you can drink as much as you want to.

“You did.” You find yourself walking right into her trap, “but I can’t drink on a Monday. I am not young anymore and my body can’t get up tomorrow for the early meeting.”

Sunhee presses your hand, “I’m there for you. One drink and you won’t be touching any liquid, except water. Trust your knight.”

“But why this impromptu drinking session?”

“To bond.”

—

You should have realised then and there when you thought Sunhee reminded you of someone but couldn’t quite place your finger at. It’s unbelievable how many times you fall for the same tactic and sweet words to get sweetly manipulated to do something you were adamant on not doing.

Sunhee and her long lost sibling (not really) sit opposite to you under the fluorescent light, both conversing about the game that happened last night. She is happily yapping away about the tactics the soccer team failed to implement, and her boyfriend is busily devouring the snacks, pitching in between their talk while you shoot daggers at her (she doesn’t even bat her eyes at you).

“I can’t believe he took that shot when it’s clearly not gonna make it into the goalpost.” Jeonghan clicks his tongue, folding his arms across his chest.

“That’s what I’m saying,” Sunhee slams her hand on the table, “they gave away a match, not the opposite team played cleverly.” She glares at her boyfriend who is a fan of the opposition team, you deduce.

“That’s what losers say,” Hansol quips, and gets hit by a chicken leg on his face. He grabs a tissue from the box wiping away his face as if it's a very common thing to happen.

Jeonghan’s proud smile at his long lost little sister makes your heart stutter. You grab the soju and pour yourself a drink while Jeonghan is busily supporting Sunhee and Hansol is slapping their statements with logical points. This is your chance. Before you can succeed with the plan, a hand holds your wrist stopping you from taking a oneshot.

Jeonghan swiftly snatches the drink from your fingers. He sets the soju glass on the table, shaking his head subtly. He folds his hands across his chest, listening to the younger couple quarrel.

You huff out, folding your arms across your chest. Jeonghan’s attention flickers to you, to your arms, and linger on your chest before he turns away with a clenched jaw. The top buttons of your shirt are undone, Hansol’s house feels like sitting on top of a volcano, and you aren’t a good functioning human being in heat, unbuttoning your shirt till you are still decent is the way you are coping. Until, you had to cross your arms, pressing into your chest, elevating them, higher than unnecessary.

“I hate it when you get all detaily.” Sunhee throws her arms in the air. “You can’t even accept a loss, you sore loser.”

Hansol grins, resting his elbows on the table, clasping his hands, “detaily isn’t a standard english word,” he tilts his head, egging her more, “should I buy you a dictionary next time? Instead of lin—”

Sunhee throws the snack bowl onto his face, he catches the bowl but the contents fly all over the place. Sadly, you are also a victim. You brush off the food from your arms, shirt and you see a food particle on your chest, sliding slowly down. No, no, no. Before you can remove it, it already made its way down. Fuck, now you have to go use washroom, a man’s. Hansol’s home is somewhat tidy for a man’s standard so his washroom will be good, right?

No one saw it, you tell yourself. The embarrassing moment is between you and yourself. The two lovebirds are still bickering, still teasing, the drinks Sunhee is having whenever Hansol’s quips aim at her are making her face flush. She should stop drinking at some point, she might not be a worse drinker like you but she is still a handful. Hansol is laughing at her pout, caressing her face, maybe she is Hansol’s handful.

You stand up from the table, “Hansol, where is your–”

Jeonghan is standing too, reaching for your hand, “come.”

Hansol doesn’t even blink in your direction, too gone to care about anything except for the girl before him. Jeonghan is already leading you out of the house, bringing out the keys from his sweatpant pockets. “You can freshen up at my place,” he says while unlocking his home.

“Jeonghan, there’s no need, Hansol’s place is right over there and I was already—”

He pushes the door open to a dark home. “You aren’t comfortable.” He switches on the lights.

The flat is similar to Hansol’s except there isn't any furniture except for a bean bag. The kitchen countertop is empty, a takeout bag, a bowl and chopsticks sitting on it. Your heart aches seeing the emptiness of his home, the dimmer light from the bulbs make it more lonely and cold.

Jeonghan stands next to an open door waiting for you. You enter a bedroom, a mattress on the floor and a bedside table. Your stomach twists at the sight. Why on earth is he living like this?

“Let me know if you need anything.”

He closes the door behind him with a soft click. You walk across the bed, a picture frame catching your attention. You shouldn’t cross the boundary, if he has a photo frame in his bedroom, and not even a proper bed piques your interest. You hear cupboards opening and closing outside, you pick the frame as this is your chance.

Your fingers shake seeing the picture, you set the frame back in its original position as you hurry into the bathroom. Washing your face with ice cold water you come out of the shock to see yourself in that photo.

It’s a picture of you and Jeonghan, he is kissing your temple with his eyes closed as you grin at the camera taking a picture of you both. You two went on a hike after postponing it for months, and to commemorate your almost dying experience from all the climbing, you took a picture, all sweaty, tired but happy.

The reflection of you stares back in the mirror, eyes moist, and cheeks warm from the heat. The summer is making your hair frizzy, making it hard to tame your hair. Dark circles under your eyes, and chapped lips, you look like a mess. You wipe your face off with a white towel neatly folded on one of the racks. There’s a faint hint of his body wash, he still didn’t change it. You remember picking it out for him.

Everything reminds you of you even when there’s nothing much in his home. Just like yours does. Just like you. Sucking in a deep breath, you regain control of your thoughts, and remember why you are here in the first place. Untucking your shirt you dust off the snacks. You exit the bathroom, turning off the lights. Jeonghan is in the room, pausing mid way from sneaking out. He rubs his nape with a sheepish smile, “all done?”

You nod. He chats off about the snacks he has if you want some. On your way out of his room, you look at the photo frame once again. It is downturned now.

By the time you go back to Hansol’s apartment the two are wasted, giggling and whispering. Jeonghan sighs beside you, checking the time on his phone. “It’s late, do you want to stay over?”

You gape at him. He clarifies, “like you and Sunhee can stay over here or mine while Hansol and I share the other, or however you want it to be.”

Hansol’s arm is draped around Sunhee, nuzzling into her cheek, peppering kisses all over her face.

“I don’t think they want to be apart for the night.” You grab your purse from the floor next to the table. “Next time if you invite me for drinks then let me drink.”

Sunhee just giggles to herself. Hansol comes out of her neck, blinking at you. “If you drink, you’ll be calling someone else,” he shakes his head, “you can’t do that since—”

“I am leaving. See you in the office tomorrow.” You brush past Jeonghan without meeting his eyes. Fuck Hansol and his slippery mouth.

The door doesn’t make the click sound behind you. Jeonghan slips out of the apartment in a hurry. “Let me drop you.” He catches you waiting for the elevator. “I’ll grab my keys and join you in a minute.” You try to cut him off but he beats you to it, “I don’t take no as an answer. At least for this.”

The resolution in his eyes makes you nod. Or the things you found in his apartment. The barriers are crumbling down one by one. This is the Jeonghan you knew.

—

“Where’s your mind at?” Seungkwan glares at you from the screen. “I am here ranting about my sufferings and you don’t even bat your eyes at me. The distance made you heartless…”

A message pops up on top of the screen. You click on it in a heartbeat.

Unasked opinion. Seoul is really boring.

-Hannie

The lines are longer. People are sticky and food isn’t half as delicious as Halmae’s.

-Hannie

Seungkwan barking your name snaps you out of the little happy bubble. He exhales an exasperated sigh, “what’s up with you? What got you smiling like that?”

You frown, “like what?” You immediately close the message app.

“Like you just won something.” He narrows his eyes, “is there a boy in your life?”

“You?”

“That’s funny. Remind me to laugh tomorrow.” Seungkwan deadpans. “But, seriously, who is he?”

A sweat droplet trickles down your temple, another message comes in. You could barely read the content before it disappears. Seungkwan is still patiently watching you, waiting for an answer.

“I would have introduced him if I had someone new in my life.” Not exactly a lie but not the complete truth, you are playing at the cross borders.

Whatever that's been going on between you and Jeonghan since a month, you want to keep it a secret. Neither of the two of your favourite colleagues are aware of your past with Jeonghan. It’s a non-verbal agreement you had with your ex, to keep the secrets under a rug.

“Damn right you will,” Seungkwan says distractedly, looking to his side with a concerned look.

You don’t want Seungkwan to know about your meetings with Jeonghan at Hansol’s place. The deeper the night gets the closer you two end up sitting watching the other two wreak havoc. It’s your little bubble, a happy one, for now.

“Are you okay?” He asks his fiancé, leaving the phone on the bed and hugging her. “It’s not the end of the world.”

Busy?

-Hannie

You quickly type away a message in the gap of Seungkwan talking to his girl.

On call with Seungkwan.

-sent

The bubble pops up as he types and it disappears. It is up again but Seungkwan is back and you close the chat.

“Uhm,” he hesitates, his girl also joined the call, her eyes red and puffy.

“Why are you crying?” Your heart drops to your stomach, she hiccups, tears streaming down without a stop. “Hey, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay. Please, don’t cry.”

Seungkwan wipes her tears, “it’s okay. You are breaking my heart, baby.”

“What happened?” You ask in a whisper.

Seungkwan sighs again, rubbing his face in exasperation. “Her best friend didn’t want to be Maid of honour. They have had some issues over the past few years, but we at least thought for the big event of our life she would be there.”

-Hannie

You avert your eyes off of the cold message. Seungkwan is going on about how they tried contacting the supposed maid of honour only to get a cold shoulder. The wedding is in March, they want to do it when there’s flowers everywhere, blossoming. You gagged at the poetic Seungkwan not really used to that side of him.

“I was thinking—” his fiance butts in Seungkwan’s rant “—if you and Seungkwan don’t mind, can you be my maid of honour?”

Silence ensues at her words. Seungkwan is staring at her and you are blinking at them. “I mean I know you are his friend and all but you are also my closest friend and have seen all of me more than anyone else.”

“I’m more than happy,” Seungkwan smiles fondly at his girl, “I just need my girls near me on my big day. I am down if she is.”

They turn to you, faces squished together to fit onto the tiny screen. “Of course. I am more than happy to be a part of your wedding.” Tears sit on your eyes, you have seen them since they got together many years ago, sailed through countless fights, getting back together and now, finally, marrying. “Honestly, Seungkwan will be eating my brain all the time, so I would rather prefer being with you.”

“What?” Seungkwan barks. “It’s called being perfect. I would like to have my tie navy blue rather than egyptian blue. Thank you.”

—

The office cafeteria is empty as the time hits nine in the night. You are sitting at a lone table with your thoughts as the heaviness of your day weighs you down. The overtime has worn you down, and as if sleepless nights haven’t been enough your client has chosen to lash out on you for something that wasn’t an issue in the first place. Talk about having a bad day.

Your stomach grumbles in protest of not having proper food for the entire day, and the usual busy stalls are closed as it is past the regular hours. Halmae’s restaurant must also be shut down by now, and you don’t have any energy left to go home and cook. Should you just quit your job and roll around?

What are you doing?

-Hannie

Dying?

-sent

Incoming call from Hannie

The call flusters you. You stare at your phone illuminating his name, and it's been so long since you got a call from him. You swipe the call before it goes into a missed call, pressing the phone to your ear hesitantly. “Hello?”

“What happened? Did you trip over air again?” The concern in his voice flips your stomach, and angers you at the same time.

“I don’t trip over nothing, Mr. Yoon Jeonghan.”

You can sense a frown forming on his face at your words, you just feel it in your bones. “Huh, do you remember the time you walked on a plain surface and ended up with bruises on both of your hands, knees, and elbows?”

Before you can defend yourself from the workings of invisible devils he goes on.

“You literally tripping over my foot is how we met. Don’t tell me you forgot that too.”

“Who sleeps on the library floor? Not normal people.”

He butts in, “—ah, ah, not the point.”

“If you are going to be annoying, end the call.” You pout, trailing your finger at the ends of the table.

He inhales deeply, “alright. What happened?”

The light above you flickers, insects crowding over the bright light. You huff, stretching your free arm and body, “long day.”

He hums over the phone, a car door closing sound echoing into your ear. He is still in Seoul, missing all the gatherings Sunhee hosted over Hansol’s apartment. While leaving his apartment you often found yourself pausing before Jeonghan’s locked flat, lingering.

The texts did suffice whatever you two are having right now, an uncertain label over your bond. Are you friends who know each other way too intimately or, you didn’t open the door to the other side of assumptions, still not ready.

“Where are you?”

You hear the headlights flick on his side. “Office. Have to book a cab now. But my fingers can barely move.”

He scoffs, “dramatic.”

“Only for—” you catch yourself before completing the sentence. It’s a banter you used to exchange while dating, he would call you dramatic and you would answer, only for you, and he would press a long kiss satisfied with your answer.

You clear your throat. Jeonghan is silent except for a few car honks. “I miss Seoul.” You divert the topic, take it back to safe waters. “By the way, I am coming to Seoul next week.”

“Oh.” He pauses for a second, “why?”

“You remember Seungkwan?” You bite your tongue at your own question. You officially lost your mind.

He grunts. “Of course. How can I not?”

The venom in his words causes goosebumps on your skin. Why do they hate each other and why do you have to be the middle person all the time taking hits from both sides.

“Jeonghan.” You reprimand him. “I already told you that—”

“He’s a brother you never had. Of fucking course I know.”

You hold the bridge of your nose, temper raising at his words. The hunger also ignites your fire further. “Why do you hate him? He just wants what’s good for me.”

“I’m scared. I'm scared you’ll push me away again because of him.”

You are stunned to the core. The Jeonghan you know didn’t care for anyone or their opinions. To know he is scared of Seungkwan’s role in your life throws you off kilter.

“I was shitting myself when he called during our date. Begging in my head to whoever that is listening to make you stay. I hate it when his one word can break us when you, in reality, don't want that.

“I fucking hate it and him. I am not saying to cut ties off with him. I’m no one to you,” his voice cracks, mumbling a feeble yet under breath. “If you want me out I’ll be out. I’m not going away because of someone else. Not this time.”

You let out a shaky breath. It’s too much. All of this. You don’t know where to start, should you point out that he called your meeting a date, or sit through a wednesday night sorting out the issues and act as a middleman. Seungkwan doesn’t hate you. He hates what you did to me. As if Jeonghan is going to sit prettily and nod to whatever you say.

He sighs on the other side, the headlights of his car flickering again. “We will have this conversation when you are ready.” You blink at your phone at this new version of Jeonghan. He never lets go of an argument until he wins. He continues, “I’m sorry for bringing it up this soon. If you are done with your work, come outside.”

“What?”

“Come outside, baby.”

You stand up picking up your things, and rushing into your office packing up your bag in haste. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Seoul?”

“I’m here now. God, it's chilly. Is it winter already?”

The pitter-patter of your heart takes up a marathon, pounding loud. He is here. You press the elevator button, tapping your heel while waiting for the slowest elevator of the planet to reach your floor. “It’s barely August, Jeonghan.”

“Still chilly.” He grumbles on the other side of the phone.

You enter the elevator pressing on the close door button incessantly. “Just say you are old. A mere wind is making you an ice cube. Is that what you are saying?”

“Ha. Ha. I’m not old. If you call me old again I have to kill you. No other way around.”

“Should I bring you a cane, grandpa?” You snicker, getting out of the elevator.

Jeonghan hums, “I’m not sure whether I prefer you calling me that,” you are out of the building, he pauses, “we agreed on something else.”

Your phone starts making static noise from both of you being in the same vicinity. A tall handsome silhouette is waiting by the car, a hand inside his jean pocket and an oversized white tee. Your stomach does somersaults as he slowly comes into view.

His bottom lip is caught between his teeth, a teasing smile ever present. His eyes trailing down you devouring all the details from your loose hair to the white office shirt to the pencil skirt. You swear you heard a grunt. You avert your eyes from his watchful ones, too shy to maintain contact.

He ends the call once you are standing in front of him. You drop your gaze to your heels, black office heels against white sneakers. His white sneaker nudges against your heel.

“Who do we have here? A runaway zombie from the apocalypse?”

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” You hold your hands behind your back, his hair is fluffy, the long strands swaying with the wind. Your fingers itch to grab them and pull as you crash your lips against his. You clasp your hands tighter. “Grandpa.”

He grins. “Again not the name we used while—“

You cup his mouth preventing him from airing your past in the public. He smiles against your palm as you glare at him. “Shut up.”

You drop your hand to your side, he shivers when a chilly breeze runs past you two. “Shall we go?” You ask.

He takes your bag from your shoulder, opening the back door and placing your bag gently. He opens the passenger door for you, nudging his chin for you to sit. He closes the door and runs to the other side, slipping next to you into the driver seat.

He grabs a paper bag from the back seat, sets it in your lap. The smell of your favourite burgers causes your stomach to growl. He pulls his seat belt to buckle it in, observing the happiness bloom on your face. You beam at him, wide eyed, a squeal escaping your lips, he laughs shaking his head.

“Han–Jeonghan, you got me this from where? They close early!” You take out the wrapped burger, your entire body vibrating with happiness. An appreciative moan escapes you as soon as you take a bite. “Heaven.”

Jeonghan watches you devour the burger, “are you even eating these days?”

You brush your hair off of your eyes with the back of your hands, careful to not get your sticky fingers on you. “Not much.”

He sighs, he wipes the corner of your lips, licking the sauce off his thumb. “Eat your meals on time.”

You blink at him, he fiddles with settings before rolling you two out of your office. He rests his arm on the window humming along to the song playing on the radio, turning the steering wheel with one hand.

With some food in your system, the alerts in your body go off. What’s happening? He comes from Seoul, brings you your favourite food and gives you a ride home? All the while looking so hot with his nonchalance and at the same time taking care of you.

He steals a glance at you from the corner of his eyes, his lips curling up in a smile. You turn to the last bite of burger in your hands, cheeks warm.

He flicks the right turn signal, “steam is blowing off your head. What’s running?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t think too much. Let things be for what they are.” He takes another turn, you frown at the familiar road you usually take to reach your home on the opposite side. The maps on the GPS adjust to the new route, increasing the time of arrival.

How can you not think about him if he does things like these? The ones you were begging from him before you guys broke up, attention and care. It’s not like you didn’t receive any care from others, but Jeonghan has always shown it in his ways, in the ways you truly wanted to be taken care of. As if he knows your language and speaks it fluently. Only him.

“Why are you going to Seoul?” He breaks your chain of thoughts.

“Ah,” you chew on the last bite, “maid of honour duties.”

“Maid of honour?”

“Seungkwan is getting married.” You wipe your hands with the tissue present in the bag.

“To..?”

“His girlfriend, obviously.” Then it clicks. “Ah, they are still strong. Eighth or ninth year, and still going as hard as a rock.”

He doesn’t utter any word, just drives in silence. Soon the road to your apartment comes into view, if you scroll the window down for a bit you are sure you are gonna hear the ocean waves.

“Did you go to the beach?” You ask.

“Yeah.” His answer sounds vague, distracted, his mind wandering somewhere. “Couple of times.”

You hum. The building you live in comes into the view, this is it. The night comes to an end, he will drive away once you are in the building. But you don’t want to let go of him yet, not when the night has been so perfect like one of those dreams you don’t wanna wake up.

The car comes to a stop before your building, only your apartment windows are dark, you can hear faint sounds of television from your neighbors. Jeonghan stares at the steering wheel, his head for sure lost in his thoughts. An urge ignites in you, burning away the cautious thoughts of how bad that idea is, how much you are repeating yourself, and the past. You want to ask if he wants to come up.

Here you are, being needy again. You unbuckle your seatbelt, and grab your bag from the backseat. If you are starting to be needy, he is back to being himself, silent, elusive. It’s a sign from whoever looks over humans and their mistakes, how you’ll burn again if you indulge in these murky waters.

One look at him, and his dark starry eyes looking back at you, your mouth is speaking on its own. “Do you wanna come up or something? I think I have the beer you drink. Or water. Definitely water.”

Before you realize you two are taking stairs. He is following behind you, observing your neighbor coming out of their flat at the sound of your voice, greeting you but stopping midway noticing a man hovering over you. Great, she got the content for a month long gossip. You lead him immediately to your flat, unlock the door with sweaty hands, and pull him in before she gets more details from him other than his name.

“I’m sorry,” you raise your hands in apology. “Told you, Yangsan has overbearing but friendly neighbors.”

He chuckles, a grin never leaving his face once he is in the confines of your safe space. You take your bag from his shoulder, disappearing into your room to set it in its designated place. He is still standing near the entrance under the automatic orange soft light, you usher him in. He leaves his shoes neatly beside yours, pausing for a moment and taking in the sight. You understand why it takes him long enough, it's been so long since you two shared a space, private space.

He meanders around studying your not so minimalistic living room, coffee table, a shelf covered in decorative items, a lone couch with way too many pillows and a tv. The doors to your balcony rattling, the sound of strong breeze fills in the space, he leaves the book he picked up from the coffee table, looking over his shoulder to you, his hands ready to draw the curtains at your approval. You nod.

The soft breeze hits you once the door is slid open, the chimes you hung up tinkling along with the sway of the wind. Jeonghan shoves his hands in his pockets, stepping outside. The therapeutic sound of waves is smoothing your insides, luring you out along with him. Jeonghan leans against the railings, watching the sea sparkling under the moon.

“It’s perfect.” He mutters under his breath, he turns to you, “Perfect.”

“I know right.” You go back into the living room, the coldness starting to get you. “I had a lot of issues with this flat but when I open the balcony door, everything feels perfect.” He is looming over the door, “like this is where I truly belong.”

Jeonghan closes the door behind him, lingering a minute more before drawing the curtains shut. He picks up the book again, and thumbs through the pages.

You peer from the kitchen, “water?” He shakes his head. “Beer?”

“Don’t you work tomorrow?”

“I do. But I’m not the one drinking.”

“Get me one.” He settles down on the carpet, staring at the black cat knit hung on the wall along with other cute knits. “This is so you.”

You set the bottle in front of him, and sit on the opposite side of the small coffee table. You got the table for this sole purpose, you spent more time sitting on the carpet instead of the couch. This short coffee table was your dinner companion.

“What’s so me?”

“Everything in this flat.” He watches you squirm uncomfortably. “Go and change into comfortable clothes. I’ll wait.”

With a sheepish smile you scurry inside to freshen up and change out of the tight fitting pencil skirt into your comfortable loose tee and shorts.

True to his word Jeonghan has been waiting for you, killing time by scrolling on his phone. He locks his phone once he sees you walk out of the room. With a gentle smile on his lips, he waits for you to settle on the other side of the table. On purpose you chose to maintain the distance from him, wanting to spend time with him is one thing, and crossing the already blurry line between you two is not something you are ready for, yet.

“How’s the beer?” You ask, sipping on your own orange juice.

He mimics you, taking a long drag of the beer, “good.” He leans back, resting his weight on his two palms. “Did you know that the beer tastes different based on the company you are with.”

You roll your eyes. “Typical.”

“What?” He grins, “it's true. Do you want to try?”

You fake gasp, “are you letting me drink, Jeonghan? Are you able to handle the wild side of me?” You give him a glance over, “I’m not sure with all that old age.”

“Try me.”

He pushes the bottle towards you. You grab it taking a small sip, followed by a big one. It’s sweet and bitter at the same time. He snatches the bottle from your hands before you can take another sip to determine if it's sweeter or bitter.

“Enough.” He drinks a few more sips, “how’s mom and dad doing?”

“Good. They are on their own thing.” You add hesitantly, “they ask about you. Sometimes.”

He hums, chasing the condensation on the bottle, trailing behind a water droplet. You continue, “You know how it gets with parents. Stubborn, and my Dad won’t believe his prospective son-in-law is just a dream now.” You should stop, and shut your mouth, “but now he is good. He is even looking for a son-in-law.”

Jeonghan just drinks his beer, the smile on his lips dropping. “Is he now?”

You hum. “His phone calls are mostly about a friend’s son or what the neighbor’s son is achieving and how at a small age he is doing wonders.” You lean in, cupping your mouth, whispering, “do you wanna know a secret?”

“How much did you drink?” He huffs. “Are you always this lightweight?”

You snatch the bottle from him and take the last sip. “Do you wanna know the secret or not?”

He narrows his eyes but complies, leaning his ear to your mouth.

“I stopped taking his calls. He did call me this evening but,” you scream, “no. I’m not talking about some X Y Z when I have you next to me.”

Jeonghan blinks at you, stunned. “Yo-You can’t say things like that.” He opens his mouth and closes it, tips over the empty bottle only to get nothing. “Shit.”

“It's empty, silly.” You stand up to get another beer for him. If he asks why you stocked up on beer when you don’t even drink, and especially why the brand he drinks, you don’t have an answer.

He is behind you, when you shut the freezer. He takes it from you and opens the lid with a fork. He grabs your hand leading you to the table, stops you from going to the other end.

Damn those sparkly eyes looking at you. He scoots a little, giving you space to sit next to him. “I have to talk to him soon,” he says once you settle down.

“Why?”

You take a gulp of the beer, orange juice long forgotten.

“His favourite prospective son-in-law is back. That’s why.” He takes the bottle from your hand, his fingers lingering. “Can't take risks.”

“Ah.” You nod, and nod, and nod.

He chuckles. “Did I ever tell you how fucking cute you are?”

“No?” You grab his shoulder, leaning into him, whispering in his ear. “You are not my father’s son-in-law. I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” he bites his lip, resting his elbow on the couch, leaning his cheek into his palm. “Not for a long time.”

You drown yourself with beer, and perhaps gain liquid courage for holding the conversation with him. “Did your parents ask about me?” You know the answer and yet you ask it anyway, “at least once?”

Jeonghan drops his gaze to his lap. You got your answer. Your mouth sours with the realization, a bitter chuckle escaping you, “I couldn’t impress the entire Yoon family. Not his son, not his parents.”

“Look at me. Please.”

You do, the silver chain around his neck catching your eye.

“You have me under your fingertips. And if my absentee parents have any issue then it’s their problem to solve.” He nudges your chin up with two fingers, “I don’t know about you but for me this is the end game.”

You set the bottle between you two, your knee nudging into his thigh, his hand resting on the couch, his fingertips brushing your arm. The chain catches your attention again, safely hidden under his tee. The liquid courage makes you take a brave step, you pull the chain out of his tee, the long chain coming out with a promise ring hanging. Your promise ring.

“Liar.” You tug on his chain, he comes closer. “Lies.”

He licks his parted lips, gaze hooked on yours’. “I’m not lying. Give me a chance. Give us a chance.”

You shake your head, “I’m scared. You will find me a bother one day and just leave. You did it once and there’s no guarantee that you won’t do it again.”

He wipes your wet cheeks with his thumb. “Won’t happen again. Never. I can’t,” he breaks, “function without you. You don’t know the person I became, I can’t do this life without you.”

Your own lips part mirroring his, he licks his lips, his warm breath hitting your face. The chain in your hand presses into your skin as you hold it like it’s your lifeline. His free hand rests on top of your thigh, groaning at the soft skin under his fingers.

“Liar.” You still don’t believe his words. You have seen his dates after the break up, so pretty, so docile and so not you. Why would he want to settle with you if he could get girls that can run for modeling.

His nails dig into your thighs, a growl from his lips. “How can I make you believe me?”

You look into his dark eyes, dark like a midnight sea, dangerous, luring you right into its trap. He leans in momentarily, lips brushing yours. You grab his shirt, longing hitting you like a truck.

“I’m gonna give you one chance.” Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“I’ll take it. Whatever you are willing to give, I’ll take it.”

You nod. “Let’s take it slow.”

“Yeah..”

“Yeah.”

You let go of his shirt. He nudges his nose into yours, before pulling away, distancing himself from you. He pulls his knees to his chest, hiding his face into his knees and groans, “go.”

You couldn’t hear him properly from his voice getting muffled. “What?”

“Go to sleep.” He looks up from his legs, “and lock your door.”

“Oh.” You pick up the empty bottles, and discard them all the while not looking at the man in your living room. “I’ll bring you a blanket.”

You return from your room with a blanket and a yellow pillow. He grins, taking them from you, “my pillow.”

“Good night, Hannie.” You blush, digging your toes into the floor.

“Good night, baby.”

—

The pounding in your head wakes you up from the deep slumber, blinking your eyes to the ceiling, you grab your phone to turn off the alarm. The sound of chair scraping across the wooden floor has you sitting up, clutching your head. Fuck, shit. He is still in your home, his footsteps echoing your silent apartment, sounding too close as if he is pacing before your door.

Previous night you took a step in your relationship with him, maybe under slight alcohol influence, but you are sticking to it, until Jeonghan does too. A quiet groan slips through your closed door, the footsteps hurrying. You frown glancing at the wooden door, his shadow moving beneath the strip of light seeping through the underside of the door. Is he nervous?

The thought excites you more than it should. The Yoon Jeonghan, who enjoys making your life a hell with his teasing, nonchalance where you will be dying on the other hand. How the roles got reversed. Your phone vibrates with incoming texts from your parents, swiping them away to answer later, you pad across your room to the door, and attach your ear to it. The other side of the door is silent, he must have heard you. You smile to yourself, happiness blooming inside you for several reasons, he is finally in your life again, yet you aren’t sure if he is officially your boyfriend or not, and he is in your apartment, just like old times where he used to crash in your spare room.

You open the door softly, your heart pounding in your throat. Jeonghan sucks in a deep breath, slowly coming towards you. His lower lip is caught between his teeth, his gaze taking in your morning glory—you realise, your bed hair, the oversized shirt falling to one side, baring your shoulder. With a gasp you try to shut the door to tidy yourself, at least look like a human. He stops the door with his hand, shaking his head subtly.

“It’s me.” Is all he says, and your stomach twists, pleasantly, deciphering his words. It’s me, your Hannie, who has seen you in worse conditions, and it’s me, with whom you can be however you want.

You cover your face, groaning into your hands. He chuckles, and your ears twitch hearing your favorite sound, his morning voice, and those deep chuckles. You lean against the door frame, he steps in closer, prying your hands off your face, you stare at his chest, wondering if you can just bury yourself in his arms.

“Had good sleep?” His fingers run through your hair making your eyes flutter shut. “Hm?”

You hum in reply.

“I want to ask you,” he says, and you know where he is going, “you remember last night, right?”

You nod. He lets out a sigh, “we are..”

You look at his face now, and, boy, doesn’t he look wonderful. His bed hair, not as bad as yours, sticks up here and there, his watchful eyes stirring your heart, and those lips which used to haunt you in your dreams, part slowly. The mole on his cheek looks so kissable, you tug onto his shirt end, holding it for your life. He holds the side of your face, leaning in. You hold your breath in anticipation, clutching onto his other arm.

Your phone rings, startling you both. He leans away, swearing under his breath. You dash into your room to see who is calling you, your mom. You show him the phone, and the disappointment in his face causes you to laugh. He walks away to your washroom with his head hanging low.

Both of you sit in silence, eating the toasted bread and scrambled eggs. The scrapes of spoon across the ceramic fills the living room, Jeonghan watches the sky through the glass balcony doors. You scarf the breakfast down, hurrying across the apartment to get your things as you are already running late.

Jeonghan picks up both of your plates, washing them. You mumble a sorry as you stuff your notebooks and stationery into your bag, along with chargers. Jeonghan grabs his car keys, putting on his shoes.

You stand next to him, slipping on your office shoes, finally taking a breather. Before you hurry outside, Jeonghan holds your wrist. Confused, you turn around, “what’s wrong?”

He tugs you closer to him, bending down to your height, “good luck today.” He chuckles, his thumb brushing over your pink cheeks, “we are taking this slow?” There's a hint of disappointment in his tone.

You give a feeble nod, your restraint already hanging on loose thread. You want to take your own time, get back into his life, and let him back into yours slowly, but with each minute spent alone with him is hard.

He nudges his nose with yours, pressing a kiss onto your cheek. “Let’s go, you are already late.” He opens the door for you, waiting.

The sensation of his warm lips still linger on your cheek, as you stand rooted in your place unable to move your limbs. He tugs you along with him, dropping you to your office, and leaving with a promise of seeing you tonight.

—

“Why are we always hanging out in my apartment?” Hansol frowns at the three sprawling on the floor in his living room on Thursday night.

Sunhee rolls over on her tummy, “because you have snacks.” She gives him a gummy smile when he narrows his eyes at her.

You gaze at his pristine white ceiling, “because you guys literally drag me here.”

Sunhee scoots to your side, resting her head on your shoulder, “that’s because you’ll be cooped in that house if not for us.”

Hansol agrees. “One week we left you alone and you didn’t step out except for the office.”

Jeonghan clears his throat, humming a song under his breath. You glare at him, the reason for you staying home. His lips curve into a grin feeling your gaze on him.

“When are you leaving for Seoul?” Sunhee cuddles into you. “Take me too.”

Jeonghan sits up, watching you two cozying up, the playful smile slipping off. Oh no.

Hansol calls from the kitchen, “ice cream anyone?”

You all echo in unison, “me.”

Sunhee giggles, wrapping her hand around your waist and chatting away about the club in Seoul she heard from her friends. Jeonghan’s watchful eyes on Sunhee’s hand around your waist, and your slightly ridden up shirt. Your eyes meet his, warning him not to do anything stupid. Your relation with him is kept under wraps on your request, you don't want to reveal anything until things between you two solidify, and, in a small corner of your mind, you aren’t still in terms of accepting the fact that you rekindled with your ex. Still scared of the fact that all this dream might shatter once if he finds you too much again.

“Promise me that at least you will go out and have fun.” Sunhee is shaking you both, almost lying on top of you. Her boyfriend calls for help in carrying the bowls, and you send a pleasing look at your man, who stands up with a clenched jaw and disappears into the kitchen.

Since you got back together, Jeonghan has been different, a little more in your space, attached to your hip, almost needy. He picks you up and drops you off at your office, spends the nights in your apartment, watching movies, lying side by side chatting up missed updates in both of your lifes. If you think back to last week you can barely recall a moment without Jeonghan. And now, he is acting like a possessive man over just a female friend.

“Your phone is buzzing relentlessly,” Sunhee rolls off of you, plucking the phone beneath her, “Hannie?!”

You freeze in your spot as if you got dumped by a bucket of ice. What the fuck is he thinking texting you?

“Hannie?” Hansol peeks from the kitchen, “the same Hannie we are thinking?”

You grab your phone from Sunhee, hiding it behind you, letting out a defensive, “no.”

Sunhee is suddenly in your face, whispering, “you can’t text your ex, that’s like number one rule in ‘how to get over your ex 101’.”

“I never said he is my ex.”

She rolls her eyes, “please.”

“Remember the night when you thought she was calling me?” Hansol hands her girlfriend a bowl, settling beside her, not one single sense of his surroundings. “You were pissed. But, in a way it helped in talking out our feelings.”

Jeonghan raises an eyebrow, giving you your bowl of ice cream, sitting so close to you, his thigh pressing into yours. “Oh, what happened?” He asks, casually, poking his scoop of chocolate ice cream with a spoon.

“Hansol!” You squeak, trying to stop him. Jeonghan presses his knee into your leg.

“What?” He blinks. Sunhee shoves a spoon into his mouth, successfully diverting his mind.

You and Jeonghan have your ice cream, listening to the younger two chat. He knows it's about him, he has to. He is anything but stupid. Hansol and his loud mouth. When you sneak a glance at the man beside you, gone the annoying mood and now sporting a smile. He fucking knows. He catches your eye, sucking his spoon down his lips, you groan. He isn’t going to leave you alone until he gets the details.

Hansol calls your name. “I thought you were interested in Jeonghan hyung.” He snaps his finger, “you know what Jeonghan hyung is also a Hannie.” Sunhee smacks his head telling him to shut his mouth and eat his ice cream.

Is it possible to just dig your grave here, and lie there peacefully? Is it too soon? Jeonghan opens his mouth. Probably too late.

“I’m not sure,” he hums, “from what I pieced together, Hannie must be an ex. I’m a little sad,” he bats his puppy eyes at you, “I was thinking we are going somewhere.” He sighs, turning to Hansol, “What exactly happened that night? How did you two get together?”

This ass, under pretense of knowing their story he is dragging the information he is dying to know. Wanting to keep this relationship a secret is coming to bite you back.

“We were having a team dinner, and she lied that she could hold her liquor,” Hansol shakes his head in disappointment, “you don’t know how she gets once the alcohol kicks in.”

Jeonghan coughs, covering his laughter.

“Had to drag her out and throw her,” Sunhee hits his thigh, “put her to bed. She was mumbling all the way about how her Hannie will like Yangsan and just chants his name. Sunhee thought it was me she was calling, and glared at me like I just killed her favorite dog.”

“I like cats, Hansol, how many times should I tell you this?”

“I still remember the date,” he hurries, pacifying his girlfriend before she can blow up on how he forgets everything. “October fourth. See, I do remember everything.”

Jeonghan whips his head to you hearing the words. You stand up from your spot, excusing yourself to the kitchen. You ignore the desperate attempts of Jeonghan trying to talk with you. You can’t face him, in your raw emotions, after he knows how fucked up you were in his absence.

Everything is sorted now, you got back with Jeonghan, but you find yourself in constant anxieties over the future and past pain haunting you during weak moments. Jeonghan is too good for you, he could easily find someone better, and leave you.

The hot water from the tap burns your skin, hissing you flip the tap to cold setting. Washing the bowl absentminded.

“Baby,” Jeonghan is by your side.

“Go away, Jeonghan.” He winces at the use of his name. “They are literally two feet away.”

“Look at me, please.” He turns you by your chin. “Oh,” he pulls you into his chest, cradling you, you cry into his chest, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He rubs your back.

“Hate you, Jeonghan.” You wrap your arm around his waist, soapy hands and all. “For everything you put me through.”

“I’m sorry.” He kisses your head. “I’m sorry.”

Someone clears their throat. You suck in your breath, here goes nothing. Jeonghan sighs, giving you one more kiss on your head before turning to the person standing at the kitchen entrance.

His hand is around your waist, pulling you closer to him. You partially hide behind him.

“Two of you, living room, now.” Sunhee walks away.

“I told you.” You grumble into his arm.

“Sorry.”

Jeonghan intertwines your hands leading you to the living room, sitting before the couple who has their arms crossed across their chest.

“Spill.” Sunhee looks at you two with hawk eyes. Hansol just blinks with a frown.

“I’m the Hannie.” Jeonghan rubs his nape, smiling sheepishly.

“What?!” Sunhee screeches, “what?” She aims the question to you.

“It’s a long story,” you mumble, “he was my ex, he is.. Hannie, and we are sort of seeing each other.”

Jeonghan frowns at you, at your uncertain labelling of your current relationship.

Sunhee’s jaw is on the floor. Hansol whistles, clearly enjoying the plot twist. “Fate,” he says, after a minute when no one speaks. “Hyung being my neighbor, blind date and now this.”

“If that’s what it is, yeah, fate.” Jeonghan holds your hand, his thumb drawing circles, “few things are meant to be, I guess.”

“What ex?” Sunhee recovers from her shock, “I thought you were dating behind my back but this,” she waves her hands at you two, “is something else. Like one of the plot twists in Hansol’s movies.”

You shrug, “it’s just life.”

“If you are Hannie,” the glitter in her eyes has you pouncing on her to stop whatever she’s going to say. She effortlessly tosses you aside, “she also said her Hannie is as pretty as rain.”

You groan into your hands, regretting every decision of being friends with her.

“Did she now,” he chuckles, grabbing you by your waist making you sit on his lap. “What else did she do?”

You struggle out of his hold, he grunts pressing you down, “it’s been too long, baby.”

With a huff you don’t squirm anymore. Sunhee is squealing on the other side, hitting Hansol’s shoulder. You hide in his neck, “Is this all your plan, Jeonghan?”

He grins, “not really. But I’m happy.”

You shift in his lap, he peers down at you, you whisper, “I can feel it.”

—

“Oh, too bright, is it the sun here?” Seungkwan shields his eyes as soon as curtains draw open revealing Nari in a wedding gown.

You sit down on your knees taking pictures from every angle. “Beautiful.” You take some more pictures, your camera roll filled with Nari in different gowns and Seungkwan bawling at every single one. You are going to have fun with his pictures.

Once Seungkwan calms down, and decides on the dress, it’s already evening. Your stomach is growling, and Seungkwan is still stuck in his dream world called Nari. Lounging on the sofa you wait for them to finish up.

Done yet?

-Hannie

Nope. They are ringing up

-sent

He’s cmg. Don’t text.

-sent

Seungkwan discards the crumpled up tissue, his puffy eyes staring at the ceiling as Nari says something in his ear. “It’s going to be fine.” He mumbles back, waiting before you to join them.

“I’m hungry.” You rub your stomach, “please tell me we are eating before checking off other tasks.”

“We are, we are.” Seungkwan reassures, “how’s Yangsan? Still beautiful?”

You remember your days with Jeonghan, Sunhee and Hansol, the nights spent in Hansol’s apartment scarfing down his snacks, Sunhee’s antics, and Jeonghan. Yangsan has given you the best memories, along with your lover who is patiently waiting for you in Seoul. He tagged along with lame excuse of forgetting whether he turned off the light in his apartment before leaving.

“Still beautiful.” You smile to yourself, “you will love Sunhee and Hansol.”

“I think so too,” he affirms, opening the car door for Nari. “I can’t wait to meet them.”

You slip into the backseat, your phone vibrating in your hand. Nari looks at you through the rearview mirror hearing the vibration going off. Seungkwan starts driving you both to a restaurant listing off the tasks that need to be done in the next two days.

“Cake.” Seungkwan stops at a red light, reaching out to his fiancé's hand, “we need to decide on the flavours and inform them. Or else we will lose our spot.”

You check the messages once your friends are in their world.

Upon thinking, I don’t see the need for not texting you.

-Hannie

What if your friends are there and see my messages?

-Hannie

Are you embarrassed of me baby? I understand the need for you to keep us a private but I don’t want to hide us away.

-Hannie

Am I your dirty little secret, baby?

-Hannie

Jeonghan isn’t happy with stashing him away from the public. Hansol and Sunhee got to know about you two by chance, mostly due to Jeonghan’s nature of can’t keep his hands off you. If you weren’t standing in the kitchen crying over him, and he didn’t cradle you, no one would have known. You aren’t keeping him away because you are embarrassed, you are keeping him away because of the insecurities bubbling in your chest, and don’t want any other person to ruin this relationship which just survived the war. It’s delicate, and you can’t lose him again.

Seungkwan calls your name, snapping you out of your reverie.

“Huh? What was that again?” You lock your phone without sending any reply. Talking over text might create more misunderstanding of your feelings and it can turn out worse. You need to see him, hold him while you explain your feelings.

Seungkwan looks at you through the rear view mirror suspiciously. He doesn’t comment on it, “Please tell Nari to choose anything else and not Vanilla.”

“It’s her wedding. She has the right to choose whatever she wants.”

Nari high-fives you, grinning smugly at Seungkwan. “I know I could count on you.”

“Anytime.” Your attention flickers to your phone screen lighting up, but this time it's a mail notification. Jeonghan should be at his home, waiting for you.

Seungkwan parks the car near a restaurant going off on how it is his wedding too, and he has equal rights. Nari whispers into his ear once everyone gets out of the car, and trudges towards the busy restaurant. Seungkwan calms down, mumbling under his breath, and halfway in agreeing to the Vanilla cake.

Jeonghan didn’t text you again. You pocket your phone, sighing to yourself. How can you resolve this? Two equally important persons in your life, and they hate each other with their life. Seungkwan is happily pulling a chair for Nari, chattering away about his sisters visiting soon. He is happy, it's the time of his life, a big moment looming around the corner. Telling him about the reconciliation with Jeonghan will visibly make him pissed. Jeonghan doesn’t understand the need to keep it a secret until his wedding. Maybe he doesn’t understand how you can’t face the confrontation, scared of disappointing him, and others again.

“So,” Seungkwan puts down the menu after ordering the dinner, watching you stare at your phone for the hundredth time that night. “Any sexy man you hid in your sweet little town.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

First, you feel like barfing at his ridiculous expression, and second, you tread his question carefully, feigning an irritated look and throwing crumpled tissue onto his face.

“Shut up.” You turn to Nari, “so how’s the jitters like? Date is approaching soon. If you ever get cold feet and want to leave this idiot, you know my number.”

Nari winks at you. Seungkwan throws a tissue onto your face, “stop putting ideas into her mind.”

You fold a fresh tissue into a random shape, “what do we have tomorrow? Done with the decorations, and the dress. I think we have to talk with the bakery chef.”

Seungkwan agrees. “Yeah, pretty much it.” After a beat he adds, “We need to have best friends only time, you know, catch up and all, without all this stress.”

“Spending time with you is stressful to me.” You make room for the waiter to place your order on the table, “I don’t think we need to specifically set a time for it.”

“Right here,” he points at his heart, “hurts right here.”

Nari and you chuckle at his antics. Your mouth waters looking at the hot food waiting for you to devour. “That’s the target.” You pick up your cutlery ready to dig in. “I still can’t believe someone is willing to marry you.”

Nari hums in agreement. “Do you think I am influenced by dark magic?”

Your body comes alive as soon as the flavours burst out on your tongue, “heaven.” You recollect yourself answering, “it is a possibility. Who would want to be with someone dictating your life.”

“Wow.” Seungkwan drops his chopsticks, “just wow. I really hate you two right now.”

You stick your tongue out at him. Nari pacifies him with pats on his shoulder. Watching them makes you miss Jeonghan, how nice it would be to have him next to you, and spend time with your other favourite people on earth.

Seungkwan answers his ringing phone, his pleasantness morphing into frown and finally settling on to horror listening to whoever is on the other side. “Why are you early?”

“What happened?” Nari whispers.

“I’m coming. I’m coming.” He stands up, his food untouched. “God, give me time to at least drive.” He cuts the call, “I am so sorry. We have to leave now. My sisters are here and already creating havoc. I need to go and put off the flames.” Nari sighs accompanying him, apologizing to you.

“Let’s meet tomorrow afternoon in the bakery.” Seungkwan says, “and the bill is on me. I am so sorry for leaving abruptly.”

“Tell your sisters that I said hi.” You wave them off, “and give me all the deets later, I’ll bring popcorn.”

—

The key digs into your skin, you glance at the keyhole, wondering if you can just go in. He did give you the spare key this morning for that purpose. You knock on the door.

Door swings open, a confused Jeonghan peeking through the small gap, seeing you standing on the other side, he lets you in. You curl your hair behind your ear, taking timid steps into his home. It isn’t that different from his Yangsan apartment, a table, and a couch is extra in this lonely, cold apartment.

“Did you forget the key?” Jeonghan stands behind you, holding his waist. “I remember giving you one.”

You show him the key, he presses his lips into a thin line. “I couldn’t just, I don’t know Jeonghan.”

He studies you, “I mean,” he takes a step, you take one back, the wicked gleam is back in his eyes, “you should slip in stealthily, before someone sees you.” He whispers in your ear, his lips brushing, “as I’m your dirty little secret.” He nips at your ear.

You grab onto his oversized tee steadying yourself. “You aren’t.” Your voice is feeble even to your ears. Jeonghan traces his lips from your ear to your cheek, pressing a wet kiss. “Hannie.”

“Now I’m Hannie again.” He smiles bittersweetly, “I’ll wait. It’s hard but I'll wait until you are comfortable.” He rests his forehead against yours, staying there for few minutes. “But it’s so hard, baby.”

“I’m sorry.”

He kisses on your nose, “don’t be. I deserved it.” He pulls away, “how was your dinner? It ended earlier than I thought.”

He slips away from you into the kitchen. You follow him, noticing the sad tilt to his lips. “Hannie, you aren’t my dirty little secret.”

He places a pot on the stove filling it with water. You rush to his side, sticking close to him, “I mean you are kind of my dirty little,” he glares at you, you explain, “the stuff we do isn’t family friendly, Yoon Jeonghan. Do I have to remind you the times you had me,” you blush at the endless memories of him bending you over and, you clear your throat. “Anyhow, all I want to say is,” you cling to his arm, “I’m staying quiet because we finally got back together.

“I don’t want anyone else’s opinion infiltrating our relationship. I want to enjoy this small bubble just by ourselves until we are stable and happy, and then we can let the world know.” You wait for his response with bated breath.

Jeonghan adds the ramen to the water, swirling the noodles, “Seungkwan will have opinions, you don’t want him to interfere our relation,” he crosses his arms across his chest, he sighs, “take your time, baby, I don’t want him anywhere near us too.”

You frown, “that’s not what I meant to be precise. I want him around but just not in my love life.”

“Same thing.” He clicks his tongue. “I’m okay with it but just don’t completely shove me away.”

“Never.” You cross your heart.

He laughs, pinching your cheek. “That’s my girl.”

—

The bakery Seungkwan has suggested is one for aesthetics. Strings of lights twirl across the walls like a creeper, the name of the bakery bright against the pastel pink wall. You find yourself a seat at one of the empty tables, shooting a text to Seungkwan saying you have reached and he is never on time.

Jeonghan sends you an image, a polo shirt and another image pops up on your phone, same shirt but in gray color. He tagged along with you, dropping you off at the cafe and passing time at the stores nearby. You choose the gray one, only for him to say not choosing that :p. This man.

Someone calls your name softly, you startle, seeing a stranger’s face right next to yours. He cringes at himself, standing up straight, holding up his arms, an easy grin on his face. He drags the chair across you, making himself home.

The chat with Jeonghan goes up and up with incoming pictures. You lock your phone before checking around the bakery waiting for someone to come up with a camera or anything. There’s no way a complete stranger knows your name and is staring at you like you just cured whatever he is going through.

“Uhm, who..?” You ask.

He smiles, leaning in, clasping his hands on the table. “Mingyu. Seungkwan must have shared some info with you.”

Chills pass down your body, goosebumps eliciting on your arms. Fuck. You desperately hope it’s not something you are thinking of. Seungkwan didn’t pull this stunt on you.

“You are Seungkwan’s friend right?” The easy smile slips off his face watching you frozen in your seat. “I’m sure it’s your images he sent.”

Seungkwan message illuminates your phone screen, Enjoy your date!

Fuck the wedding he is going to get strangled tonight. He tricked you into a blind date, and has the audacity to bail on you. You click on his message, Jeonghan sends another picture along with a hundred question marks.

Mingyu softly calls your name. Everything over stimulates your senses all at once.

What blind date???? I’m going to kill you Seungkwan.

-sent

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu apologises, “I didn’t expect him to not tell you. It must have shocked you.”

“No, no,” you feel worse than the time you were about to give the college entrance exam. “I have to apologize, I’m so sorry on behalf of my stupid friend who doesn’t know the term boundaries.” Your phone lights up again, but now it’s Jeonghan losing his mind.

What blind date????

-Hannie

What the fuck did your best friend do now?

-Hannie

Don’t tell me you are on a date with another man.

-Hannie

Say no baby. Tell me it’s not what I’m thinking.

-Hannie

Awesome, you sent the text to Jeonghan instead of Seungkwan. If you can just fling yourself out on the road then you might find some peace.

“Is everything alright?”

You shake your head, “my boyfriend is losing his shit. I’m so sorry, Mingyu, for the false hope and this news.”

Mingyu winces, “oh.”

“Seungkwan doesn’t know it yet. If he knew, he wouldn’t have done this.” You explain, “don’t get him wrong. But I would have appreciated some warning before.”

He shifts in his seat uncomfortably, the table too short for his height. “Yeah, I understand.”

“I’m really, really sorry.”

“Please stop apologising.” Mingyu smiles bittersweetly, “it’s given that pretty girls do have boyfriends. I guess I’m late.”

Not knowing what to say you remain silent, toying with the tablecloth. He speaks again, “I just wanted to let you know that when Seungkwan showed me your picture, I was excited. And when he said all those stories of you I really thought I hit a jackpot.”

“That’s just him bluffing. Trust me I’m not as shiny as he described.”

The doors to the bakery shoves open, the bells jangling violently. Jeonghan, dressed in all black, strides in, his narrowed eyes on Mingyu, his fists clenched by his side. His long hair sways with each strong step. Fuck.

“Hannie,” you panic knowing damn well what he is capable of doing. “Please calm down.”

Jeonghan grabs your throat, crashing his lips on yours. He nips on your bottom lip, his hand squeezing slightly. You part your lips, he swallows your moan, his tongue swirling along yours, teasingly, making you crave for more. He parts from your lips, a string of saliva connecting yours with his, his blown out dark orbs consuming your entire being.

“Fuck taking it slow.” He grits, holding your hand, helping you up from the chair. He glares at the man who is watching you two with his jaw hung open. Jeonghan leads you out to his car, the entire walk a blur, you follow whatever he tells you to do, stringing along his fingers like a puppet, he says sit when he opens the door for you, you settle on the passenger seat, he buckles you in, biting your lower lip before he closes the door.

He drives you to his apartment, the entire ride you sit still, sneaking little glances at Jeonghan. He turns the steering wheel with one hand, the other one on your lap, dangerously close to your core.

The sensation of his fingers ignites a fire inside you, your lips still tingling with his warmth. Your entire body burning up with the need of him, his hands, his touch, his lips and him, him, him.

Jeonghan parks the car in the basement, exiting the car and slamming the door shut. You jerk up from the thoughts of him, a fear taking over the desire momentarily, he is really pissed. You remember the night you two confessed, the night where you went on a date just to forget him for one night, only to find him waiting in your home, angry.

The night ended with you screaming his name, and him enjoying it with grunts, and praises. You couldn’t move from your bed the next morning.

Jeonghan opens the door for you, observing you for a minute, leaning in unbuckling you, and extending his arm for you to hold him. You comply, following his silent footsteps to the elevator, his grip on you is strong but not crushing.

He unlocks the door to his apartment, you hesitate, he looks over his shoulder, raising his eyebrow. You enter his apartment with bated breath, “I did tell him I have a boyfriend.” Your voice comes out meek and shaky, “I wasn’t expecting a blind date, Hannie, I would have never gone if I had known.”

He frowns, bending down he helps you take off your heels, “I know, baby.” He reassures you, “I know you would never cheat on me,” he sets the heels next to his shoes. “But,” he grabs your bag from you, setting it up on the wooden cabinet. “I’m so pissed, seeing that man,” he trails his fingers on your arm, igniting goosebumps, “thinking he had a chance with you, my girl.”

He tugs you to him, his arm around your waist. “I don’t share.” His teeth sink on your collarbone, “especially you.” You grip on his hair, a stinging pain on your neck. “Now, that lackey will run to your friend, crying over what happened.”

You feel his smile on your skin. Wicked.

“Hannie,” you whine, tugging on his hair.

“Up,” he commands, tapping on the back of thigh once. You jump circling your legs around his hips, he grunts, “good girl.” He rewards you with a slap on your ass.

You bury your face in his neck, pressing soft kisses on his neck, your hands grabbing onto his shoulders, clinging like your life depends on him. An appreciative moan leaves his lips, his fingers digging into your hips, he turns his head to the side giving you more freedom to kiss him.

You stretch your back, kissing his cheek, his jaw, sliding your lips to his, you pull back a little staring at his slightly swollen lips. He closes the distance his mouth pressing into yours, you press your thumb on his lips, he parts them, you slip your finger in, he closes around it, his tongue flicking it. You groan, closing your eyes at the sensation, he nips at the skin. You clasp your legs tighter around him, he closes his eyes, throwing his head back, letting out a loud moan.

“Hannie,” you call his name sweetly, softly.

He presses you to the wall, “again.”

“Hannie,” you coo into his ear, rolling your hips. He shudders, gasping in your ear. You clutch his chin, pulling him to you, staring at his lips, his upper lip protruding slightly more than his lower lip, you take in his upper lip in your mouth, kissing, sucking and biting before letting go.

His hooded eyes on you, “missed that kiss baby.” He nuzzles into your cheek, “had me stay up nights craving for it.”

You resume kissing his jaw, underside of his chin, drag your lips across his neck, he groans, his hips thrusting into you in reflex, you moan rolling your hips, sinking your teeth on his collarbone, remembering all the girls he went out with before you.

He hisses in pain, panting, “baby.”

“I remembered something I shouldn’t.” You detach yourself from his neck, “I hate all those girls you went out with.”

“Yeah?” He looks into your eyes, “did miss bloom_234 hate it too?”

You gasp, hitting his chest, “how do you know?”

He just kisses your lips, “there’s no need for you to be jealous,” he pacifies you, “if you knew how each one ended I think you would be very happy.”

He opens the door to his room, dropping you on his bed, he rests a knee on the bed leaning back taking you in his sheets. “Perfect.” He crawls over to you, hovering over you, “I missed you.”

He pulls up your blue blouse over your head, he licks his lips at your black bra contrasting your skin. You tug at his shirt, he removes it, throwing it somewhere in the room. You slide your hand over his bare skin, grazing your nails all along. He shudders, his eyes fluttering shut, moaning your name.

He snaps his eyes open, eyebrows draw in, he pushes your breasts up, his finger tracing the underside of your breasts. “You have new moles.”

“Really?” You say absentmindedly, tracing his happy trail disappearing into his pants.

He grunts, leaning down kissing the moles, “fucking sexy.”

You grab onto his hair, moaning. Your entire body coming alive under his touch, you squirm under him trying to relieve yourself from the ache. He presses his body on you reading your tics, he rolls his hips into you, your lips parting letting out a silent gasp, his own lips mirroring yours, watching you come undone under him.

“Hannie,” you scream, as his fingers gravitate to your lower half, pressing where it is aching. “Hannie…”

He nods in encouragement, “louder.”

You rake your hand through his hair, moving his hair off his face getting a better look of him. He leans into your palm, you tug his hair, sitting up halfway catching his lips. His tongue meets yours, battling for dominance, you push him back onto his knees, sitting on his lap, you readjust that you are an inch taller than him.

You break the messy, wet kiss, wiping his chin off the saliva. “Hannie,” you call his name just to make sure you aren’t dreaming.

His starry eyes scan your face, he hums. You kiss his forehead, showering kisses all over his face. “I love you, Hannie.” You whisper in between giving him open mouthed kisses.

He flips over, resting your leg around his waist, he rolls his hips right where you need him. “I love you,” he unbuckles your bra, “I love you more than anything.” He sits back, taking in you in all of your glory, “I’m so lucky.” He crashes his lips, making you chant his name, and his ministrations reaching the places where he only went and felt.

—

You feel a nudge on your shoulder, a voice calling your name. You stir awake, your entire body screaming in pain. You groan, moving your legs slowly, lying on your back, blinking your eyes open. Jeonghan is looming over you, his entire face glowing and radiating happiness.

“Morning.” You squeak in a hoarse voice, you clear your throat, “Hannie.” Sleep sneaks up on you, your eyes fluttering shut.

“Baby,” he presses a kiss on your nose, “your stomach is growling. I brought breakfast.”

You whine, covering yourself with sheets and turning away from him, your body sends a sweet signal on why you can’t flip as you want yet. You groan, pressing onto your thighs, trying to salvage the ache.

“I get a feeling that your body can't handle it.” Jeonghan picks up the sheet, settling next to you. He curls himself in the shape of you, pressing a long kiss on your cheek, his hand massaging your thighs avoiding the places that are too intimate. “You need to build stamina,” he chides.

“I want to let you know,” you mumble into the pillow you are hugging, “I will rip your hair if you call me weak one more time.”

He laughs, his morning deep voice echoing in your ear, making you smile in return. “That’s the girl I know.” He presses one more kiss on your temple, “let’s eat. Please.”

“Five more minutes,” you plead.

He sighs, “we will shower together, and I’ll help if you get up now.”

You peek at him, “really?”

He hums, his fingers moving across your soft folds. “Promise, now, let’s get your stomach calm down.”

It growls one more time as if it got offended. You pout, resting your hand on top of his, patting your stomach (his hand), “okay, let’s eat.”

“Finally.” He stretches to the night table next to the bed, retrieving a shirt. He helps you put the shirt on, tugging it down your body, not before pinching your chest in the process.

You slap his arm, “men.”

He smiles cheekily, “beauty must be admired.” He catches your arm before it can punch him in the face. “Okay, okay. You became so violent.”

He grabs the plate from his study table, his eyes taking in your disastrous morning form, he bites on his lower lip, sitting next to you. “You know,” he suppresses his smile, opening his mouth to continue.

“Don’t say it.” You warn knowing he isn’t going to say something nice. That teasing lilt is showing all over him.

He giggles to himself, “just because you begged.”

“That’s not begging.” You point your finger at him. “Stop with whatever you are trying to do.”

He kisses your nose, “okay, baby. No more begging, it makes my heart sad.”

You chew on your lip watching him hum under his breath, spreading peanut butter across the bread. “Anything for you, Hannie.”

He pauses the sliding of the spoon across the bread, narrowing his eyes at you. He doesn’t comment on your faux innocent face. He hands you over the bread, peanut butter accidentally gets on his fingers.

You hold the bread in one hand, take his fingers into your mouth sucking them clean. The spoon in his hand drops onto the plate with a clatter, his jaw hanging open as he watches you look up at him through your lashes. He curls his fingers in your mouth, your eyes flutter shut in ecstasy and you remove his fingers before he gains the upper hand.

“Sorry, a habit,” you smile, shoving the bread in your mouth, not giving him a chance to lure you into doing something more.

“You.” He runs his other hand which isn’t covered in your fluids through his hair, swearing under his breath. Probably replaying last night.

You munch on the bread, enjoying the peanut butter (his agony). “Is something wrong?”

He shoots daggers at you. “No.”

“Okay~” you hum a song under your breath.

He applies the spread on another slice, “are you up for—”

“No, Hannie.”

He pouts, shoulders slumping. “You really need to work on your sta—” he screams when you hold his hair.

“I didn’t even do anything!” You hit his arm, “stop being dramatic.”

He sets the plate on the bed, “did you pull out my precious hair? Am I bald now?”

“I didn’t even pull. You know that.” You are on your knees, towering over him. But you still check your hands for his hair. Not even one single strand is on your hand. “Not even a single hair is harmed.” You show him your hand.

“Oh.” He pulls you onto him by your waist, making you sit on him. “My bad. I got scared.” He nuzzles his face into your chest, shaking it side to side. “My stress balls.”

“Yoon fucking Jeonghan!”

—

The happy bubble pops once you check your phone. In the bliss of being with your lover, the blind date and whole ordeal in the bakery has slipped off your mind. Dozens of texts from Seungkwan and Nari, coupled with missed calls. Seungkwan’s messages go from screaming to cold, distant. Your heart drops to your stomach, rereading that one text.

I didn’t expect this from you.

-Seungkwan

He is disappointed with you. You know that this would happen, heck, this is what you were scared of happening. His words on the screen become bigger and bigger, taunting you, almost accusing you of your changed behaviour. This isn’t how you used to be, that leads to the point of how Jeonghan is already influencing you in the wrong way.

It is a stretch, Seungkwan didn’t explicitly worded those, your mind is conjuring all the unhappened scenarios, fracturing your memories, and simply, making you overthink and panic.

Jeonghan drops a towel on your head, ruffling your wet hair. “Should we go and get real food?” He calls your name twice, thrice before coming around the couch, sitting next to you. “What’s wrong?” He panics, taking the phone.

“I am sorry.” You sniffle, pressing the edge of your palms on your eyes. “I’m so sorry for causing,” you snuck in a breath, “all the troubles.”

Jeonghan throws the phone behind him, somewhere on the couch. He pulls you to his chest, patting gently on your back. “You did nothing wrong. Loving someone is never a crime, baby,” he kisses your head, “you shouldn’t apologize for that, I get that there have been not so great moments between us, and it’s just your friend’s apprehension.”

You look up at him mid snuffle, “who are you?”

He grins, “your most understanding boyfriend. One moment.” He untangles himself from you, disappearing into his room and comes back with a tissue box. He holds a tissue against your runny nose but you take it from him shyly. “As I was saying,” he picks up the towel, resuming drying your hair, “if you just meet with him and talk it through, he will eventually come around.”

“Really? I’m scared he will throw me out of his life.” You voice out your insecurities. “I’m not sure how I would handle something like that.”

“He would never, which is annoying,” your eyes are full of tears again at his words, he quickly amends, “to me, baby, to me. From what I have seen he is going to till the end, if,” he emphasises, “you meet and communicate everything.”

“You think so?”

“I think so.” He pinches your cheek, “now text him to meet.”

—

You are standing outside a restaurant with shaky hands shoved inside your pockets. Seungkwan and Nari are inside, waiting. Jeonghan turns his head from you to the restaurant and vice versa.

He pulls out his lollipop (the one you shoved in as he can’t stop saying nonsense), “we have all day. Take your time.”

You shove your elbow into his ribs, he keels over holding onto your arm. “Oh, didn’t see you there. Sorry.”

“Very funny.” He straightens up after a beat of suffering, taking a step away from you, “how can one night in my arms change you into a violent person? When you should be all lovey-dovey and cling onto me like your life depends—” you shove that lollipop back in his mouth, yet it’s too late.

A stranger passing next to you into the restaurant snaps his head at you in surprise, his face red. He quickly disappears into the restaurant when Jeonghan cuts his line of sight of you, and barks, “what?”

“Yoon Jeonghan,” you grit, grabbing his jacket and dragging him into the restaurant. “Should I worry about Seungkwan or your mouth that doesn’t know when to shut up.”

His arm comes around your shoulder, whispering, “that hurts, baby. How can you say that about my mouth when it only gives you happiness. If you forgot, I'm happy to redo last night anytime.” He stops, pulling you back into him, “on second thought, fuck Seungkwan. Let’s go home.”

You groan into your hands. “Mistake. Mistake. I shouldn’t have brought you here. Stupid. Stupid.”

“There. There.” He pried your hands off your face, mock concern written all over him. “I’m your guide, light and whatever there is in times of your pain.”

You roll your eyes, throwing your hands in the air. “Shut up. This isn’t the time.”

“When it’s you, my love,” he takes a dramatic step towards you, “it is always the right time.” He crouches to your height, “as I always love you.”

You smile at his cheesy lines, and his cheesy face. “Shut up,” you say, but it is feeble to your own ears.

He grins in satisfaction, “let’s go talk with him and go home. And,” he intertwines your hand with his, walking to the table where your two friends are watching like hawks, “walk straight, unless you want your friends to know what we did last night. Or morning.”

You flush at his words. Does that mean all the way here people weren’t looking at you weirdly for the stray strand sticking up? He lied to you? Or maybe he wanted to make you feel comfortable. This man will get you killed someday from the sheer high blood pressure (and he will follow just because he can’t live without teasing you).

He squeezes your hand once as the table is one foot away, he looks over his shoulder, his lips pressed in a thin line noticing the anxiety all over you. He pulls out a chair for you first nudging you to sit, “it’s going to be okay. I’m here.” He kisses your cheek and pulls the chair next to you, dragging it close to yours.

Seungkwan watches you two with distaste, mostly at the man next to you, as if he offended the entirety of his clan and is whistling away at their misery. Seungkwan’s dislike towards Jeonghan turned into hate because of you, the time before your break up was rocky, and Seungkwan did leave your side in the time of your needs.

“I’m sorry about Mingyu.” You break the ice. “I should have told you beforehand,” you drop your gaze to your lap, fumbling with your fingers, “I just couldn’t find the right time.”

Seungkwan exhales loudly, opening his mouth and closing it several times. “Why him? He broke your heart once, he would do it again. That’s classic Yoon Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan leans back in his chair, hand reaching out to yours, he squeezes as if reminding you. Remember my words. Don’t get swayed.

“How can you be so sure of it?” Jeonghan asks, “if all I need is to have done it before, then I did love her. What if I just love her this time? Through thick and thin, hold her tightly instead of letting it go this time.

“I get that you come from a place of love for her, but she's a fully capable adult who can decide for herself.”

Seungkwan scoffs, “don’t make me laugh. She is blindsided, I’m just looking out for her, saving her from an asshole who hits people.” He smirks at the dumbfounded Jeonghan, “thought I didn’t know?”

You snap towards your boyfriend, dread settling in the pit of your stomach. Hitting? What on earth is he doing with his life? He didn’t run into trouble at Yangsan, you would know somehow if he did, it’s a small city and the circle is too close to each other to let go of gossiping this big news. It must have happened while in Seoul.

Suddenly you are back to the night of your first blind date with Jeonghan. Seungkwan spewed something along these lines even then. Now you remember, it’s because of you.

“Don’t overthink,” Jeonghan is on alert from reading your face, “it was really really minute, almost nothing.”

You grip onto his fingers, “tell me what happened.”

Jeonghan throws a dirty look at Seungkwan for putting him into this situation. You tap on his hand, pulling his attention back to you. If Seungkwan is making it a big thing then there must be something.

“Just an ex colleague of mine made a crass comment,” he doesn’t look at you, “I couldn’t hold back.”

You press on, “tell me in detail. What did he say to you? You are good at what you do.”

Jeonghan didn’t climb up just on pure luck. His dedication, hard work and long hours are what made him reach a higher position for his age.

“He was shitting on me for letting go of a girl that he would,” he looks at you, pressing his lips into a thin line, he doesn’t want to say it out loud, you decipher, you nod, encouragingly, “have fun with.”

You have a feeling that he is sugar coating the words. “Did he talk that vulgar of her to make you snap?” You are happy that he stood up for a girl.

He shakes his head once. “Then he brought you up,” his eyes glazed over, anger sizzling in them, “and I couldn’t hold back. I hit him so good,” he smirks, “it was bloody everywhere.”

You stare at him, the perfectly long strands falling onto his face, covering the side, his proud smile. He turns to you, hesitance in demeanour as you don’t speak. He couldn’t stomach someone talking wrongly about you.

“What did he say?”

“I’m not sure you want to know.”

“Please.”

He looks at the curious Nari and shocked Seungkwan, leans into your ear, whispering, “he said sex with you must be boring.” He grips your inner thigh, under the table, “the fuck he knows.” His finger brushes your core before moving his hand to your knees, to a safe place.

You reach for water, taking a big gulp. Nari and Seungkwan watch you curiously, the reddening cheeks grabbing their attention.

“What did he say?” Nari questions. “You can’t leave us hanging!” She points at Jeonghan, “it’s like watching a movie and turning it off at the climax.”

Jeonghan grins, folding his arms across his chest. “Secret.”

“Ugh, Seungkwan, you can get more details, right? Ask the person who told you about the fight. Please, please.”

“That’s not the point here.” He sucks his teeth. “The point is if he is violent with others how are you sure he wouldn’t be with you.”

“He would never.” You say with conviction. “Jeonghan would never.”

Jeonghan presses your knee in appreciation. You continue, looking Seungkwan head on, “he may hurt me, I might hurt him. It is inevitable. He reigns that power over me, one word from him can cut me into pieces but,” you pause, you slouch slowly, “he also can pull me out of my misery with a single word.”

This morning is an example of it. You were shaking, the weight of guilt sitting on your shoulders, mind everywhere. And he walks in with his easy smiles and reassuring words, quickly leads you to a solution, and offers his shoulder to listen to your concerns, more like pries them off your chest. He has always been your sun, shining brightly through your clouded moments.

“All I want from him is to not give up when things get hard. And not run away.”

He promised you he wouldn’t. Since the moment you met him again on the blind date, he has been trying his best, keeping his word. No matter how hard you pushed him away, he gave you time and space to sit with your feelings, some run-ins with him have been purely coincidental, almost like a destiny.

His presence in your life has brought back peace, calm, and love. A pillar that holds you, grounds you down. All you need from him is his love.

“I won’t run away,” he promises. You kiss his cheek in appreciation.

Nari coos in awe. Seungkwan still doesn’t look happy with the relationship. But there’s a crack in his stance, wavering his outlook on Jeonghan.

“I’m sorry, Seungkwan, for keeping it a secret. It hasn’t been that long since we started seeing each other.”

Jeonghan opens his mouth to rebut. You kick his leg. He shuts it back.

“I don’t see the need for you to keep anything from me.” He smiles sadly, “did I not give you that space to talk about anything and everything?”

“I just know that you hate him,” you say, he nods in confirmation. Jeonghan scoffs. You continue, “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Seungkwan is taken aback at your words. “Disappoint? I speak garbage when I’m angry but never once I feel disappointed with you. I’m so sorry that I made you feel that somehow.

“I may not be happy with your selection, but if he is really gonna make you feel happy, I’m not the one to decline. After seeing you the last two years all I want is happiness for you. For you, I’m willing to,” he looks at Jeonghan, “try.”

“Really?” You leap from your chair.

Seungkwan chuckles, “yeah. It’s good to see that he was defending your name even in your absence.”

Jeonghan’s shoulders reach his ears in pride.

“But how are you going to do long distance?” Nari asks.

“About that,” you clear your throat, “he is kind of living in Yangsan.”

“What?” Seungkwan barks.

“He moved,” you add.

“Yoon Jeonghan? Moved? Why?”

Jeonghan beats you to answer, “this is nothing compared to the people we love.”

Your heart flutters in your chest. Those are the words you said to him when he asked why you took the transfer instead of Seungkwan. Jeonghan moved because he loves you, he is willing to do everything just for you. Tears well up in your eyes, unable to hold in the waves of emotions hitting you. Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?

“That’s sappy.” Seungkwan rolls his eyes, but smiles for the first time in the evening. Nari laughs, happy with the argument subsiding for now.

You laugh along with her, heart at ease, happy. You are happy with Yoon Jeonghan, the words he says, the teasing eyes before he does any mischief, you are in love with just Yoon Jeonghan, in whatever form he is gonna come in future. He is going to be your Jeonghan.

He notices your loving stare, he grins at you, “see, communication resolved it.” He presses a kiss on your lips, “you got worried for nothing.”

“I love you,” you mutter when he just pulled away, he doesn’t stray far listening to your confession. He comes back to your lips, now, pressing with more conviction, and a happiness that couldn’t contain in himself, coming out in the form of a wide smile and a chuckle.

“Is this what Mingyu saw yesterday?” Seungkwan’s voice snapped you two out of your moment. “Did you know you traumatised that poor soul?”

Jeonghan pulls away with a smug grin, “serves him right.”

You slap his shoulder. “Shut up.” You turn to Seungkwan, “please tell him that we are really sorry.”

“I’m not.”

“Yoon Jeonghan.”

“What? I’m really not.”

Seungkwan throws his hands in the air, “here we go again.”

#HHF #HHF - feedback

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