#listen idk what the FBI’s jurisdiction is so shh they just get called in okay

[chartedrights]

Made up fic title: Oh, No! He Can't Stop Eating Frog!

(Dare I ask why this came to mind?)

Hatchetfield/Solve-it Squad AU where most of the characters work as staff at a very fancy very expensive restaurant. Ted, Ethan and Lex are waiters, Bill is the sommelier, Paul is the accountant, Charlotte is the pastry chef, and Nora is the manager. Emma is the sous chef and Zoey is technically the chef, but she’s always out back making out with her annoying cop boyfriend who just so happens to be Charlotte’s annoying cop ex-husband.

The actual plot is that Linda Monroe is found dead in the driveway and nobody can figure out how or why it happened, but Sam is incompetent and Tom Houston’s truck was spotted leaving the restaurant just ten minutes before her body was found, so Emma is very interested in getting things done properly. Paul and Bill help, of course, while Charlotte stirs up trouble with Sam and Zoey to distract them and Ted seethes jealously in the background. Tom and Becky were about to get married, so it rather bursts their bubble, but they both swear up and down he’s innocent, and Emma just knows neither of them did it. Ethan accidentally frames himself because he finds the murder weapon and goes “oh sweet, free knife” so that’s an ordeal.

Eventually the FBI gets called in, and Scrags and Esther come in like the world’s least impressive dynamic duo. Bill is smitten. So is Nora. Who is running the restaurant anymore? Idk. Mr. Davidson, maybe. Anyway, Bill and Scrags are the world’s softest most boring couple. They do crosswords together. Esther lives out her rap music video dreams in the men’s bathroom with Nora. Emma is singlehandedly solving this crime. She is the backbone of this restaurant. Who is doing the cooking? Idk. Paul is just there for moral support and the occasional common sense huddle.

(It turns out that Linda tried to embezzle funds from the PTA and was killed by another parent who was already doing that, who happened to have a copy of Tom’s key from like three years ago because Jane had lent it to them for a bake sale. Everybody is wildly confused by this.)

The title is dropped like 1/3 through the fic, when Paul makes a remark about Sam “eating frog,” which Ted mercilessly begins to mock him for. “Oh no!” He cries, as he carries food through the kitchen. “Watch out for Paul, he can’t stop eating frog!”

“It’s crow, Ted, we know, it’s eating crow, I wish I could go back and say crow, but-“

“Oh no! No! It’s frog, now! We’re all eating frog for it, but it’s eating frog from here on out.”

Emma literally shoves a frog in Ted’s mouth a chapter later and he stops saying it. Esther won’t let him forget it, though. She keeps calling him “mister Theodore Frogmouth” like it’s his last name. Which, considering her last name, she might think it is.

Restaurant AU, Murder Mystery AU, 100k words, Paulkins, background Bill/Scrags, background Barneston, background CharTed, High Cuisine, Loving Descriptions of Cooking, Zoey Dumps Sam, Linda Monroe is A Feral Karen, Raccoons Ate The Evidence, Ethan And His Free Knife Obssession, High Stress Work Environments, Recreational Drugs, The Hatchetfield FBI Is A Gays Only Event, Nobody Does Their Job, Slow Burn, Coworkers to Friends to Lovers, Fake Dating, Honey Trap, Jealousy, Red Herrings, Kissing, Happy Ending