#listen man. imogen is personal to me i hate her i love her i want to hit her i want to hug her i can’t look at her i wanna study her

[shorthaltsjester]

begging twitter to stop showing me tweets of people with no reading comprehension misrepresenting things I said but since i was going to make this more in-depth post Anyway .

when i say imogen is better read as a metaphor for generational trauma than she is a metaphor for queerness or chronic pain, i’m not talking about legitimate traits she has as a character. obviously she is queer. obviously she experiences some form of chronic pain (though i would argue her magic better suits chronic illness not pain because she states that it’s Not always painful, but it does always influence how she lives her life).

when i talk about how well she’s understood as a metaphor, i’m talking about when i’m looking at her as a part of a story, as an arc that i am witnessing rather than in the more typical fandom way of this is a fictional person who interacts with exandria as real people do. and that is a fun way to interact with characters, i enjoy it a lot! but when i say imogen (to me, as i for some reason have to clarify on my own blog which implies that these are my own opinions and not absolute fact that needs to be accepted by people on the internet with different experience and opinions than me) is best read as a metaphor for generational trauma, it isn’t a dismissal of her queerness or her illness, it’s just me thinking looking at her from that angle is more compelling.

imogen has been one of my favourite characters and least favourite characters in campaign 3 because i tend to analyse her through a lens of generational trauma and she ends up looking extremely familiar to me as someone with a family that carries their’s heavily which is as comforting as it is frustrating.

for me the main thing that looking at imogen through a queer lens of literary analysis fails to account for is harm. on the one hand - the harm that imogen experiences, not because of how people treat her for who she is, but that exists simply as a factor of her being ruidusborn. on the other hand a the harm that imogen causes. not to say that she is some malicious villain waiting for her chance to harm others, but that there are things about being ruidusborn that very much do incline her towards violence in a way that she might not otherwise be - i think about the conversation after she went nuclear and chet brought up people being scared of her connecting that to her father keeping distance. the only harm that queerness provides comes from society, and that isn’t the case in exandria. even metaphorically, the thing that society fears in ruidusborn people (while it has certainly been exacerbated by centuries of superstition and practices like we saw in zephrah) is a tangible threat. imogen’s magic when not controlled can wipe out a city block, but queerness poses no threat.

that’s why i’m not compelled by imogen’s backstory as a queer metaphor. not because i’m some imodna anti (i very emphatically am not but this fandom kinda makes me wish i was sometimes) or because i think exandria’s lack of homophobia/transphobia means that characters can’t be viewed through a queer lens or that critical role doesn’t contain some of the most compelling queer metaphor i’ve encountered. imogen just isn’t one of those characters, not because she isn’t queer, or because i think her story shouldn’t resonate with queer people, just because i find the generational trauma angle more consistent.

it’s similar with the chronic illness angle, which i will refer to as illness but you’re welcome to emphasise pain, we all have different vocabularies for the experiences we face. but just to give context i’m running off laura’s comparison of imogen’s powers to her own sensory issues and anxiety which while often Lead to pain, fall more into chronic illness in imogen’s context to me. and i do think there’s substantial comparison for imogen’s story as a metaphor for chronic illness, but i think that was much more true earlier in the campaign than it is looking at her from the current context. her beginning motivation being her search for knowledge about her powers really resonated with me as similar to someone experiencing symptoms of chronic illness but who could neither figure out how to treat them or what they were caused by.

but then imogen got more information, specifically about her mother, and her priority became not understanding her powers but understanding her current state as a person - how had she become the person she is, inclusive of her powers but very much emphasising her lack of a mother who became more and more present in the unweaving web of ruidusborn lore. that’s when i was less compelled by the chronic illness reading and more compelled by viewing her as a metaphor for generational trauma. had that not been enough on its own, imogen’s visit to relvin and her recent thoughts on her mother would be enough to convince me.

the part that makes me hesitant about this post is that generational trauma is so intensely linked to the contexts under which it is created and perpetuated. so i can’t really point to specific scenes as evidence of specific things that prove generational trauma is the most compelling and i don’t really want to unload that much of my own experience to clarify my thoughts on a character. but vaguely, i will say that imogen’s relationship with her parents is obviously the clearest source for my reading her as a metaphor for generational trauma. the fact that relvin, the only person in her family without the thing that draws society’s ire, is also the person that she has the most willing anger at is also indicative of this to me. in general, imogen’s rage that so easily transitions into sadness and vice versa comes out a lot in conversations about parents. most recently, i think about ashton’s lovely speech about found family and his distrust about parents and how as they were speaking, laura seemed to be playing imogen as sadly in thought versus months ago when fearnes parents showed up with striking similarities to liliana and imogen’s words of wisdom were let’s hurt them all.

and like. to me that angersadnessvengeancegrief is particularly evocative of the feelings that arise when you are in a family with generational trauma, especially when you are aware of it. because imogen can and has followed the logical steps that have led her and her family to where they are. early on when recounting her relationship with her dad she seemed wistful but understanding of the distance between them. in nearly every encountered with a parental figure imogen seems to be some level of distrusting for the most part, but she’s still holding out hope that her mother will see the good side. and further, there’s the complication of how dire her losing her powers seems to be, and how inextricable her powers are from every aspect of her life. she’s also southern and from a blue collar family. this means nothing except it also means a whole lot.

this is messy and not well organised but if you want a good essay you’re gonna have to pay me money for it but tldr: i say things i believe on my This Is My Opinion Blog and i don’t think i need to explain my thoughts to strangers on the internet but this was already half written in my drafts and if people are gonna shit on my opinions please at least do it in good faith and shit on my actual opinions not the ones you’ve decided i have.

[queerbting]

i've been having some complicated thoughts on fcg's recent decisions.

-

disclaimer for small rant below: none of this is about sam the person or as a player. any feeling i'm expressing are solely about fcg's actions as a character, specifically within the context of the last couple of episodes (47-48ish. maybe part of 46 too). i also do i want this to be hate; i'm mostly just expressing temporary frustrations!

-

i tend to be a pretty chill viewer, but (very respectfully) fcg has caused a surprising amount of annoyance / irritation to bubble up within me these past few episodes, starting around when he started consulting the changebringer for every minor decision on their journey to and from the malleus key, including when bh were actively being hunted by a fey dragon and an archfey. also !! him insisting in episode 48 that the party go to gelvaan after arriving back on exandria and essentially making a random pitstop because he thinks that imogen connecting with her father will help her heal.

it's not their actions themselves that are frustrating, because their motivations can be sweet, but what the actions mean in context of what the group is trying to accomplish. in the past couple episodes when fcg has actively engaged in these actions they were when the party's lives have been in direct danger and/or when they're in a time crunch because civilization as they know it may soon be destroyed.

i understand what sam is doing as a roleplayer (also as a bit of a troll on his friends! which i can respect) and it makes sense within the context of his character but man do i want to bonk that little automaton on the head sometimes ...

like.... fcg is an incredibly empathetic character but more and more does not listen to reason or logic from their friends over his own impulses and convictions and it can be frustrating to see that aspect of his character emphasized now that the stakes of everything are so much higher with the approaching apogee solstice.

again, no hate to sam whatsoever. i am just noting a short-term frustration i have been feeling with the in-game choices of his character. fcg's actions feel hypocritical in some sense because he takes care of people and is portrayed to be incredible sensitive and considerate but also makes decisions that put the party's lives in danger or do not consider the context of what individual people might want themselves, instead of him deciding / verbally pushing what he thinks would be Best For Them, and only backing off when they react really negatively towards him (and even not even then, fully).

would love to have a discussion about this if anyone is interested. especially since fcg's switch to always relying on the changebringer to make decisions seems visibly abrupt, even if there was buildup to him opening up his faith / trusting more in the changebringer in general.

:T

[charliespringsleftconverse]

Feel like I’ve gotta do Heartstopper because duh

(For the fandom asks post)

Let's do it! <3

The first character I first fell in love with: Nick 'cause he's such a Golden Retriver! <3

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Isaac. Isaac is my king of kings. He's so unbothered by anyone and everyone AND the only one who ACTUALLy knows what goes on through people's heads and personal lives but keeps to himself all those secrets because he's a sweetheart, respectful, and unproblematic. <3

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Tao. Listen. This man gave me anxiety. Like, yes, he's been a supportive friend to Charlie but he could also try not being such a helicopter dad all the time. Like maybe Charlie would have told him about Nick sooner because of it!

The character I love that everyone else hates: Imogen. I know some people don't like her but my girl got rejected and took it like a champ. And then Nick sort of came out to her and she kept it to herself. AND when Nick and Charlie held hands at the end and she saw that there was something there SHE SUPPORTED THEM. NO DRAMA.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Darcy. XD I say this but like they still have a place in my heart. I think the more I rewatch, the more I'm like "Darcy, bestie, do your homework PUH-LEASE" 'cause admitted to not even wanting to do it one time and I'm pretty sure Tara offered to have her copy her work.

The character I would totally smooch: At their age, I would have totally smooched Nick. Yes. 100% Like he's just such a nice guy and genuinely someone I would get along with. I wish more people were as nice as Nick.

The character I’d want to be like: Although I think I'm like Charlie (anxiety and too kind to people I shouldn't be), I want to be more like Elle. She's just so comfortable in her own skin and once she stepped into her own, literally nothing and no one could stop her. And she's always there for her friends, which I always am too but I love that about her. <3

The character I’d slap: Harry for being a homophobe but Ben Hope comes close second for making Charlie feel less than.

A pairing that I love: Obvs Nick and Charlie. BUT I LOVE THEM ALL. ELLE AND TAO. DARCY AND TARA. <3

A pairing that I despise: Ben Hope and Charlie. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

Pooperz

every song i listen 2 from now ONN / mo0bin forwarDDt HAZ to hav the redbone tune underneath it (song can b layered a bunch) n Thtz w NO eggceptions n settling . :-] N if u fuk me thru a soundcloud ad Thts how I kno u love me <3 .!!! i wrote a lil poetry zine on “on loving a trans boy” Cuz. like. idk. Not 2 get 222 personal but (Also if 222 is ur angel number i HATE U AND fuck U!!!!) it diff to experience as a queer person whut it lik to giv someone they T shot n lik actually see them grow n change thru it .!

Part of the poem i wrote (it on my poetry Ig account and tumblR) :

“the first time u intertwine ur body with him u will feel the pain it took for him to get here. yet all the strength. the battle the bruises the scars. u change ur semantics. and pay attention to his movements. resonate with the feeling of familiarity in a body torn open but completely soft. and the clothes are off. and we are both nude. but the vagina still remains an open wound. something u can not bandage. only describe as something reclaimed.”

Deezz NUTZ jk i mean Dis Week ish has been sad n i hav been doin 2 much blow n spiraling upwards Alwayzz n finding out u kan txt tha Suicide hotline now instead of Kall <3 *_* :-D !!!!! Also b4 they connect u with somEoNe they Ask if Ur Gay lmao cuz there a specialist Gay Person who knowz how to talk to u in a better way.?! i Tink watching Ded Poet Society triggered meH LOl. wellbutt anywayZzz.!!!! Nyfw w is overrrrr n I had nothing 2 do wiff it :/] but moi bestie dante Had a styling gig n wuz AMWZINGGGGGG.!!! :3 we went to a fashion show n Skipt line while he farted rly loud < im sry im puttin u on blast rn Babezz. > then blamed iT on Meh which bc of swiss army man A24 movie i WilL take tha blame cuz intimacy exists rly in Flatchulance n also sharing toilet 2gether in the backstage models bathroom of tha Fashion show resNorting old K we find our nostrils then Mixing rando drinkz we find on the makeup tablezz n bein surprised Dere r keBoobZ there n Pb n J sammyz. liK oK go OFF n actually b a professhh Fashion Show…!!!! den we fake watched tha superbowl at Hush in midtown N almost lost Praying”Gods FavZ” purse n i was caught littering my almond chocolate soy Milk on a stripper stage . Run!!!!! also dat E pill wuz rly cute it wuz pink n crown shaped but Wuz everything kinda not as happy and super blurry..!!! ?

Dissh week i also Swuirted to clairo nitecore edition :-]] n h8 havin adhd but at least im kNo how 2 eat salami by the Chub. (thts whut google calls it.) Hehehhehehehehe. gettin moi diagnosis finalized Tmrw hopefully n Gettin on Summ medicinez. im v adhd hyper fixated Rn on ice spice who Wuz also suppoSt 2 pull up 2 dat fashion show we were at butt didn’t. 4 now , everything Reminds meh of her</3 ….. Orange cones on tha st , pepper grinderzz/ shakers (spice) , 5 chinese spice , my friends dog “lunch” boXxx cuz his name rhymes w munch n n n n n Yah lik honestly Everything . ?!.?!

WakiNg Up w Negativez in my account cuz my Boss not bossa Nova forgot 2 paY meH ovEr thA course of Tha Last month N i didn’t even kno til i wuz in my Sexy crushes bed listening 2 Imogen heAp N In Tha Clurbb mixx by Sandalz n they wrote poetry 4 ffivee hours straight n My tummy hurteD fuz i was drinkin truffle SoY saUce from the bottle and i wuz manically checking my Bank statements 2 submit to Snapp HRA crackle Pop Rice Krispieeezzz. Also all of dis happened w a singulaR Vegan Taiwanese green onion pAnc@Ke on the floor on a chacoochie board with bulgolgi and kimchi n more truffle soy sauce . Untouched .

alSo found Untouched by the Veronicas on soundcloud but lik sped up n Holy shit i hav loved this song forever but literally lik YO diss is my heart..?!!!!!! “And I don't give a damn what they say, or what they think, think

'Cause you're the only one who's on my mind

I'll never, ever let you leave me

I'll try to stop time forever

Never wanna hear you say goodbye

I feel so untouched and I want you so much

That I just can't resist you

It's not enough to say that I miss you

And I need you so much

See you, breathe you

I want to be you

You can take, take, t-take, take, time, time

To live, live the way you gotta, gotta live your life

Give me, give me, give me all of you, you

Don't be scared, of seeing through the loneliness

I want it more, more, more

Don't even think about what's right or wrong, or wrong or right

'Cause in the end it's only you and me

And no one else is going to be around

To answer all the questions left behind

And you and I are meant to be

So even if the world falls down today

You've still got me to hold you up, up

And I will never let you down, down”

<33333

Y does it feel like moi crush doesnT like me rn. :-[ N Y do lesbians Always hav the MOST unstable Housing situationZ??? then either wanna UHaul with U or move to ASTORIA .?!? Also i hope all of u make assumptions about my sexuality bcuz i Rly rly rly like whipt cream from the Can , and raw . Emphasis on whiPped. n Cream. n RAWr xD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEOW MEOW RAWR RAWR GRERRR!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i kant keep rereading the msg i didn’t Send i ended up calling n yelling n Thts whut got meh bLocked. :-[[ Rugratzs .!!! i luv staying up watching movies w my friends ex’s Im tryna get wiff and Accidwntally thinking K is coke and feeling lik SHIT butt watchin every1 giv intense eye contact n cleanin da house n then losing tha dog Lik WHTFFF.?! Then All of a sudden that plug pulls up N everyone is confused N also randomly the guy living upstairs has my iPhone location N pulls downstairs 2 hangs:-]]] i always wonder if I’m popular but in reality i am just breaking oUt on my ForeheAd cuz all i eat is fried Chiggen N moi green haired browneyedd luver looks like invader zimm sometimezz alotta Da time n i think they r SKUTE.!! n i lik their lisp! im SAD sad my 2/2 cis male friend is gOnna print out a sign on his door Dat Says “blood OathinG” with a Red Circle around it n a Line around it basically sayin NOOOOOoooOoOoOoT allowed.!! butt ima blood oath wiffhh invader Jim dish nxt week n it is a PLANZZ.!!

i wrote a poem ab our phone Kall tht has impacted meh m my heart n also this is a snippet of 1 of my poems in my new book i still writing Kalled STRAWBERRY DELIRIUM :-}}”my friends don’t wanna die anymore they wanna live . they don’t wanna slip away to shreds with fentanyl test strips. they still wanna snort k n apologize for being gay but we all r human longing for all of this…” N another poem tht explainzz this blog title. Cuz i luv my fwendz n shared a moment in which we found popperz.

“Felt that rush on my head

as i laid in ur bed

and found a vile hidden

under ur pillow

u laugh and i manically panic

turning bright lite crimson red

And when it spills all over ur arms

drip dropping like tap water

i snort it all off ur arms

and i h a t e the way it makes me feel

similar to the feeling like ill fall

when im in my platform shoes

going up n down ur spiral stair case that looks like slices of cheesecakes

and u sigh scream cuz u never liked them at all

and hate is a strong word but so is love

And i hate the way the poppers make me feel

but i do love you “

okIkkkKkkkKkk i kinda hate that poem but whatever. sooo Vday wuz cute it is n0T only single awareness day but reflecting on ur situationsjips day n feeling sad ab it day but whatev. NormalZe watching cHaterbAte on the subWay n mindIng ur FooOoking Business?..!! my Friends say if i were a sammicH i wuld b a caprese. butt i feel like a ruben. #misunderstood <\3 i hav been watching SM hellokitty n Fwendzz n realized am kuromi and hello kitty is my friend .!!! N i listen to metal N rock w my headphonezz Real Hi n Loud n mak moi own clothes .! N i hav a crush on badtzmaru cuz they look like a penguin dyke n their gender is X.!! <3 <3 🐧 🫶🏻👩🏻‍❤️‍👩🏻 they r epitome of sapphic Desirezz n untoxic uhaul luv<3 :-]

tIL nxt week.?? Carl wheezer luver n Cali King bed listener on Max volume on subway N my big three is adderal sun , ketamine moon , cocaine rising <3 Also no i did NOT clog tha toilet at a house party after party this week N no i did not need help unclogging it N no i don’t even poop or do popperz cuz i’m PERFECT…!!!!!!!<333

Xoxo,

Rennybabycutebabyangel plz buy my clothes n ask ab my story sale / failed depop. :-]

[takaraphoenix]

Shadowhunters, of course. And Buffy!

Thanks for playing, dear! ^-^

Shadowhunters:

the character i least understand: Maryse, her characterization was so inconsistent, I don’t understand how you go from the neglective-bordering-abusive, homophobic, racist, cold-hearted ice-queen to the hugging, happy, sunshine mom in like a month, that was something that even years of stretched-out, actual character development would have struggled explaining but this show just went “she is nice and supportive now” and like what that’s not how a redemption arc works, you can’t just slap “redeemed” on their forehead and be done with it

interactions i enjoyed the most: what little scraps of platonic dynamics we got - Jace-Alec, Luke-Clary, Jace-Simon, Magnus-Raphael, Magnus-Catarina

the character who scares me the most: I don’t think any of them are really... scary, not even Valentine, he’s disgusting, but not scary, to me

the character who is mostly like me: Simon, maybe, but then I doubt I’m even half as pure of heart as him, but the rambling, the freak outs, the lost in this whole mess? That’d be me

hottest looks character: Depends. Generally, y’all know I am screaming Jace very loudly. Personally though, to me, Imogen, Jia and Maryse, judge me all you want, this show has quality MILFs

one thing i dislike about my fave character: he’s a push-over. I love Jace, I love him to bits and pieces, but he is such a push-over, he just blindly follows all that Clary says or suggests even if it’s the most obvious suicide mission, when his grandma suggests “hey it’d be a good idea to chip Downworlders!” he is too intimidated by the idea of losing her that he actually pulls through with that bullshit instead of speaking up, he lets people walk all over him because he is so desperate to please them

one thing i like about my hated character: her face. I mean, come on, Nicola Correia-Damude is ridiculously gorgeous

a quote or scene that haunts me: every time Jace tries to kill himself. Hits too close to home, I am not good at handling suicidal storylines and I am disgusted by just how much this show brushed the severity of it all off and how the other characters just didn’t give a damn

a death that left me indifferent: most? Like? I mean, who died? Alaric and Gretel, who we never really explored as characters, Valentine, which YAY and because he died twice DOUBLE YAY, Jocelyn, which YAY, Dot had me “she dead now?” like three times to the point that I am still not sure if she ACTUALLY died in the end or if she’s around still after all like what was that I just what, Jace immediately got better after dying, so did Simon, Sebastian’s was just way too rushed, the only one that really fucked with me was Imogen

a character i wish died but didn’t: listen, the Lightwoods should be orphans, potentially should have been for a while, maybe things woulda played out differently

my ship that never sailed: I’m not big on my ships having to be canon, I genuinely don’t need Magnus/Jace to be endgame, but there is one ship I wish had been canon and that’s Luke/Catarina, I genuinely think those two would be a great fit, it’d have been so easy to work off it after they met at the hospital, the cop and the nurse, the Downworlder power couple, Magnus as a matchmaker, this could have been a great canon ship

Buffy:

the character i least understand: each character has their moments/storylines where I don’d understand where they come from, but I guess the one I least understand is Dawn, she is so selfish it drives me up the wall, like I get she’s a teenager but ffs she can’t cut anyone some slack, she’s not a little child and she supposedly grew up with this... I just have zero tolerance or understanding for her selfishness, never had, never will

interactions i enjoyed the most: scoobies, especially the OG three - Buffy-Willow-Xander with each other, but also each time a new member slots in and how they adjust to it, how they interact with each of the scoobies and get established, definitely Giles-Buffy because he is the father she deserves, I have a particular soft-spot for Willow-Spike too

the character who scares me the most: Syd but like. I know he’s a good guy and all but he is a moving, talking, walking puppet and I have an inherent fear of puppets. Every time I rewatch, I forget that he is a good guy because the fact that he is a creepy, creepy puppet overrides it

the character who is mostly like me: Tara probably? She is shy, awkward, doesn’t know her place in the group, can get bright and loud and excited about the things she likes but when she notices everyone looks at her weirdly for her outburst she goes silent and averts her eyes and pretends she’s not there

hottest looks character: SPIKE AND BUFFY. preferably together

one thing i dislike about my fave character: Seeing Red

one thing i like about my hated character: listen, I hate her, but I do love the way Dawn’s character elevates others; be that how it gives Tillow the chance to be adorable lesbian moms, or having Spuffy co-parent her

a quote or scene that haunts me: In a negative manner, the above mentioned Seeing Red. Look up which episode that is and you know what scene I am talking about. In a “it kills me internally” manner, when Buffy sings “I think I was in heaven” because Sarah Michelle puts so much emotion in there and I am a sucker for a public reveal of fears and horrors and how this was put out in the open, man, that gets me every time

a death that left me indifferent: none aside from villain deaths, I guess? I mean, Tara and Jocelyn and even Jenny in how it was executed and what it did to the other characters and yes even Jesse, I am also still hung up on how Willow and Xander lost their best friend in the first storyline and I do think that it should have had more of an effect on them and would have been a good way to introduce their inner workings by showing their grief, but on the pure base of me knowing this would have had said unexecuted effect, it works on me too, like, he was the first person Buffy lost in Sunnydale, the first she couldn’t save

a character i wish died but didn’t: Dawn and no not the way you think, just because I hate her, but because I still think the “Dawn is the key, she was made of mystical energy and she, her whole being is the key” somehow translating to “well, since the monks made her human, we conveniently don’t need the whole Dawn, only her blood and that runs in Buffy’s veins too so we can kill Buffy off”, that just makes very little, very twisted sense because all of Dawn was the mystical energy, not just her blood and why would the mystical energy quality transfer onto Buffy? It was a cheap cop-out and I think Dawn should have died instead of Buffy because she was the key and for all intends and purposes, Buffy dying in her stead shouldn’t have worked because the key was never supposed to be HUMAN, it was never supposed to have blood, so why did the whole thing hinge on a blood-ritual, like the monks coulda turned the key into an actual physical metal key and that wouldn’t have had blood so what did Glory want to bleed out then? This twist was only clever at first glance but the more you think about the less sense it makes so yes, this is the one big plothole and I think Dawn should have died instead of Buffy so there would not be a plothole

my ship that never sailed:GILES/JOYCE. I will die on this hill. He should have become Buffy’s stepdad, he should have NEVER LEFT HER alone there, those two, it was teased, it should have actually sailed (* I consider Spuffy sailed. It has sailed. They are together)

Send me a fandom and I’ll tell you

[radioromantic-moved]

it's the final livebloooog (doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo) this baby's extra long, because the episode is twice the average length. also big time spoilers. you know.

-"no place in the universe can compare with our past. our burned, ashy past." a statement about david's place and also about the earth which i'm pretty sure died from global warming in the stellarverse. not scary at all.

-HARTRO'S‏‏‎ ‎BOYS....ONE MORE TIME FOR THE ROAD <33333

-"do you know what this means???" "that‏‏‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎has no taste." "that we're all getting slushies."

-hartro's‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎little excited snuffles that sound like she's about to have a breakdown but, like, the good kind are basically exactly how i feel right now too.

-"what have i always told you??" "shut up! shut up! shut up!"

-HEY THEY MENTIONED FRANKENSTEIN!!!

-long time viewers of the Blog may remember that one of cyril's special books is‏‏‎ ‎frankenstein.‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎knows what‏‏‎ ‎frankenstein's monster is (kind of). you know what that means. at least one cute little reading time.

-i was going to make a joke about 'three neurodivergents argue about social rules' but that's kind of the entire podcast. with the number of neurodivergents differing by episode.

-THE TWO OF THEM BOWING TO DAVID...hartro‏‏‎ ‎genuinely getting into it and sounding like she's about to cry and‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎sounding so deadpan

-oh i Hate this conversation! i hate the conversation they're having about killing off everyone who's ever met a board member!

-hartro‏‏‎ ‎and‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎as david's pa's <3

-IS THE BOARD ALL DEAD. DID THEY NEVER EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE. BECAUSE IF SO THAT ALL CHECKS OUT

-"the...secret loss?" "yeah, you idiot, the secret loss where the board all died, have you been living under a rock??"

-CALLED IT, BABY

-yesssss go OFF imogen!!

-DON'T BE MEAN TO HER STANDARDS!!!!!!

-"hello, and welcome to 'so you've discovered that the board is dead,' with me,‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎sigmund‏‏‏‏‎ ‎‎shankeray.'"‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎trexel--"ugh, this guy again?"

-context:

-ughhhhh tasty tasty worldbuilding!!!! the board all dying in an incident....security was destroyed in a coup.....standards wants to replace imogen with new board.....

-HOLY SHIT

-IT'S A "NO MAN CAN KILL ME" RULE

-NO PERSON CAN ALTER IMOGEN'S CORE FUNCTIONS....BUT CLONES DON'T COUNT AS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-OH MY GOD THIS IS SO TASTY

-IMOGEN WAS TRYING TO GET DAVID ONTO THE BOARD FOR HER OWN REASONS!!! AND THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A FUCKED UP LITTLE ANARCHY BOY!!!!!

-angry beyond belief that something that‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‎trexel‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‎could figure out confused me badly enough that i had to relisten to the same part twice and reread the transcript to figure out why the plan wouldn't work.

-in case of a deadlock....

-one of the ORIGINAL FOUNDING FAMILIES

-CAN BE NOMINATED -TO BREAK THE TIE

-AND GUESS WHOSE BITCH ASS IS FROM A FOUNDING FAMILY?????

-ugh you big big dummy...even your big moment is just reduced to who can take you to the better bar. but he does call david his favorite clone. and he DOES vote with them.

-"well--aheh-hah."

-oh my god. david's smug little laugh is my new favorite noise in the ENTIRE WORLD.

-number 48's maniacal laugh is Very fun. but don't shoot david please.

-"trust me! i'm a‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎geistman."

-the WAY HE SAYS THAT LINE IS FUCKING

-HMDGKDGDMHODHGGRGRRRRHHH.

-OH HE COMES THROUGH IN THE END

-DAVID'S CHAIR IS THE ONLY ONE NOT HOOKED UP TO AN ESCAPE POD SO HE HITS THE EMERGENCY EVACUATION AND

-GOD. FUCK.

-obsessed with the group's enraged "TREXELLLLLLLL!" as they get launched out of the airlock in the pod. that's absolutely cartoon levels of sillydumb and i love it.

-"can we....get them? we can't just leave them out there. it's inhumane." "they wouldn't do the same for you." "i don't know, i think...i think that maybe he would have."

-HI, BAWLING MY FUCKING EYES OUT

-THIS IS GONNA BE THE LAST TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER ISN'T IT. THEY AREN'T GONNA GET THE POD BACK ARE THEY.

-YEAH. CHECKS OUT.

-okay so they're alive but in any number of thousands of habitable locations across the galaxy. that's not so bad! i can write fix-it for that easy! these motherfuckers are gonna be friends forever whether they like it or not! the worst found family may be free of the everpresent fear of death but they will never be free from the status quo.‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎finds out the planet they land on doesn't have a bar and he figures out a way to access a communications system from scratch so he can call david in tears.

-the little trumpet when david gets voted in....HELL YEAH, HAIL DAVID!!!!!

-"well, you do have the power to destroy‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎stellar‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎firma‏‏‎ ‎now. i'd never allow another ai to take over, but i'd quite happily...burn this all to the ground."

-YESSSSS KILL VIOLENCE DEATH KILL KILL

-imogen sounds so hurt when david starts asking alex to make copies to run functions...."explain away! i can both listen and plot my revenge at the same time."

-"...but that was before the population crash, so the escape shuttles should be able to contain everyone!" "and the clones!" "oh, right, the clones! recalculating and the clones too! wouldn't forget them! :)"

-oh i have too many thoughts about this conversation i'm just gonna post it and let it sit

-DAVID AND IMOGEN ON A PLEASURE CRUISE TO‏‏‎ ‎GALACTONIUM!!!!! FUCK YEAH BABY!!!!!! GOOD FOR THEM!!!!!

-after credits‏‏‎ ‎enola‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎scene!!! my beloved!!!!

-okay okay okay okay okay okay okay. hoooooooooooh boy.

-THAT WAS!!! REALLY GOOD!!!!! AND EVERYONE MORE OR LESS TURNED OUT OKAY....WE GOT OUR ANTICAPITALIST MESSAGE....the only thing we didn't get was the main four's theater troupe and i think i'll forever be a littttttle bitter about that but nobody's stopping me from writing about (or just imagining)‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎hartro‏‏‏‏‎ ‎‎and‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎eventually tracking down a working communications system and finding david and imogen so they can all yell at each other forevermore. i'm gonna miss these stupid little dorks so much but i'm so glad i got to be here for the ride. now to figure out whether cyril went with david and imogen or‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎and‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎hartro‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‎and how it changes their fake little storyline.

[kaserl]

a general terror playlist, adapted from my even longer personal one! this is a mess of genres musically, but it is in chronological order! tracklist and associated scenes/lyrics below the cut (some songs fit completely, for others only the lyrics I listed are really relevant). thanks to @dedraconesilet for helping me place some of these and screaming with me about the terror! Restless- Cold War Kids (Discovery Service|now you’re wired and you’re tired/there is never a break/you only come alive at the thrill of the chase/no, we can’t help it/we’re always restless/we already know the ending) Ends of the Earth-Lord Huron (leaving Greenhithe|out there’s a land that time don’t command/wanna be the first to arrive//to the ends of the earth would you follow me?/there’s a world that was meant for our eyes to see//maybe I’m headin’ to die but I’m still gonna try/I guess I’m goin’ alone) Into the Wild- Lewis Watson (last sighting in Baffin Bay|and we take another step into the truly unknown/don’t know why but it’s somewhere that we have to go/and it’s dangerously wonderful/so come on, come on, come on, come on/step out into the wild) Boat Song- Woodkid (sailing through Peel Sound|can we keep our bearing straight/or will we be blown off course/are we instruments of fate?/do we really have a choice?) Jesus Christ- Brand New (“will I fly? up to God?”|and I will die all alone/and when I arrive I won’t know anyone/well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die/I’m a little bit scared of what comes after) We Are- Peter Bradley Adams (parties set out to look for leads|we wait for our luck to change/and hope to come//we just watch the seasons change/and wait for the storm to break/and the land to come) North- Sleeping At Last (“the western team must be nearly home now”|we will call this place our home//let the years we’re here be kind, be kind/let our hearts, like doors, open wide, open wide) Make a Shadow- Meg Myers (“funny to think of this place as home, isn’t it?”|don’t tell me this is home) Waves- Dean Lewis (the reindeer|I watched my wild youth disappear in front of my eyes/moments of magic and wonder/it seems so hard to find/is it ever coming back again//take me back to the feeling when/everything was left to find) Can’t Stop Time- Goodnight Neverland (“we’ve seen worse than this, you and me”|you can’t stop time/we’re getting older so you close your eyes/regretting everything you left behind) Spirit Cold- Tall Heights (Crozier standing alone between Terror and Erebus|how do I wake my spirit cold?/we always say when our history’s told/if only we knew the things we know/there’s a question ages old) I Of the Storm- Of Monsters and Men (“there’s a spare captain on Erebus”|are you really going to need me/when I’m gone/I fear you won’t/I fear you don’t) Hate on Fire- Ben Hazelwood (Gibson ends things with Hickey|I won’t follow you down this road/yeah, we both know just where it goes) Heavy Hangs the Crown- Samantha Farrell (“I’ve never wanted anything as little as I want this now”|you don’t know a thing/about the trouble that I’m in/fall without a sound/heavy hangs the crown) Holocene- Bon Iver (“do you not feel what has happened?”|and at once I knew I was not magnificent/strayed above the highway aisle/(jagged vacance, thick with ice)/I could see for miles, miles, miles) The Breaking Light- Vienna Teng (Ross in the admiralty scene|let your lion heart cleave the waves/brother you will return//so listen to the darkness, listen to the patterns/listen to the breathing sea/listen to the colors, carry them inside you/they will bring you back to me) Storm Song- PHILDEL (Lady Jane organizing her own rescue|even though the landscape stretches like a hard day/even though the old man says I have a fool’s plan/oh, despite the distance, you will see my footprints/I will raise my flagpole, I will turn these tables ‘round/I’ll send a storm to capture your heart and bring you home) Metal & Dust- London Grammar (“Miss Cracroft, who rejected you?”|and so, you built a life on trust/though it starts, with love and lust/and when your house, begins to rust/oh, it’s just, metal and dust/we argue, we don’t fight) Lover/Soldier- Washington (“I have no intention of becoming a captain’s wife”|lover, you’re a soldier, you’re a long, long way from home/a long way from your mother, and you do it on our own/I don’t belong to you, and you don’t belong to me/I don’t think we need to, ‘cause it’s just so easy) That’s Okay- The Hush Sound (“with me you’ve never hesitated to be plain”|you are broken and callow/cautious and safe/you are boundless and beauty/with fright in your face/until someone loves you/I’ll keep you safe/but like them, I will give you away) I Am Not Yours- Z. Randall Stroope (Crozier pining over Sophia|I am not yours, not lost in you/although I long to be//you love me, and I find you still/a spirit beautiful and bright) Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap (“much to do on Terror is all, sir”|where are we? what the hell is going on?/the dust has only just begun to fall/crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling/spin me ‘round again and rub my eyes/this can’t be happening) The Hunger in Your Haunt- Crywolf (Hickey gives Gibson Young’s ring|where are all the things that you have toiled all your life for?/was it me you wanted when you said you/wanted something more than what you knew?) I’ll Be Good- Jaymes Young (Crozier decides to stop drinking|my past has tasted bitter for years now/so I wield an iron fist/grace is just weakness/or so I’ve been told/I’ve been cold, I’ve been merciless/but the blood on my hands scares me to death/maybe I’m waking up today) I Will Try-Deaf Havana (Crozier’s intervention|and I will try my best to find a smile/and I will close my eyes and say I’m not afraid/and it’s time that I was clear of all the negativity that I hold so dear/I lost my sight for far too long to take my mind off all my fears/but I found my way again) Look After You- The Fray (“you needn’t worry for a thing, sir”|I’ll look after you/it’s always have and never hold/you’ve begun to feel like home) Trout Heart Replica- Amanda Palmer (Goodsir feeding Jacko from the tins|and killing things is not so hard/it’s hurting that’s the hardest part/and when the wizard gets to me/I’m asking for a smaller heart/and if he tells me “no”/I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor/eventually I know I’m doomed to get what I am asking for) Give Me A Sign-Breaking Benjamin (Crozier in withdrawal|I’ll keep you alive/if you show me the way/forever–and ever/the scars will remain/I’m falling apart/leave me here forever in the dark/God help me I’ve come undone/out of the light of the sun) Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson (Crozier on the upswing|but all that I know is I’m breathing/all I can do is keep breathing/all we can do is keep breathing now) Organs- Of Monsters and Men (Silna trying to take her father’s place|I should not care but I don’t know how/so I take off my face/because it reminds me how it all went wrong/and I pull out my tongue/because it reminds me how it all went wrong) Bleachless- Elizabeth Grace (Goodsir looking at Jacko’s body|‘cause when your life’s on the table/then there’s not much left to hide/begging for contagion/these hospitals won’t save us/and when these toxins leave us/it’s sad when we’ll be bleachless/'cause all you have to say/is that it’s gonna get better/it’s gonna get better/but it never does) Comes and Goes (In Waves)- Greg Laswell (Crozier’s speech at Carnivale|this one’s for the lonely, the ones that seek and find/only to be let down time after time/this one’s for the torn down, the experts at the fall/come on friends, get up now, you’re not alone at all) Runaway- The National (Stanley’s suicide|there’s no saving anything/how we swallow the sun/but I won’t be no runaway/'cause I won’t run//we got another thing coming undone/and it’s taking us over/ we don’t bleed when we don’t fight) Forest Fire- Brighton (fire|I keep imagining those flames that did rise/and blackened up the sky/the light that showed you barefoot in the snow/and then the fire started building up inside/exploding blinding lights/now I’m the one left screaming through the night//I’m gonna carry your bones/I’m gonna carry them all/I’m gonna carry you home) Stay Alive- José González (the dawn after Carnivale|I will stay with you tonight/hold you close 'til the morning light/in the morning watch a new day rise/we’ll do whatever just to stay alive) We Are Broken- Paramore (“these men need names yet”|'cause we are broken/what must we do to restore/our innocence/and oh, the promise we adored/give us life again/'cause we just wanna be whole) The Ice Is Getting Thinner- Death Cab for Cutie (abandoning ship|we’re not the same, dear, as we used to be/the seasons have changed and so have we/there was little we could say, and even less that we could do/to stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you) Sleeping Sickness- City And Colour (“horrible from supper”|someone come and, someone come and save my life/maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead/but now it’s like the night is taking sides/with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind/could it be this misery will suffice?) Disarm- The Civil Wars (Hickey realizes something’s wrong with the tinned food|the killer in me is the killer in you/send this smile over to you) Follow You- Bring Me the Horizon (Crozier helping Fitzjames up the ice|my head is haunting me and my heart feels like a ghost/I need to feel something, cause I’m still so far from home//so you can drag me through Hell/if it meant I could hold your hand) People Help the People- Birdy (more hand-holding|people help the people/and if you’re homesick/give me your hand and I’ll hold it) Medicine- Daughter (Morfin’s death|pick it up, pick it all up/and start again/you’ve got a second chance/you could go home/escape it all/it’s just irrelevant/it’s just medicine) This Woman’s Work- Greg Laswell (Goodsir’s panic attack|I know you have a little life in you yet/I know you have a lot of strength left/I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show/I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking) Calm My Soul- Paper Route (Irving’s death|I’ve seen too much this year/I long for it to pass/the type of memories/that turn our heart to glass//in dust my ribs were formed/and I’ll return again/calm my soul) Helplessness Blues- Fleet Foxes (“do you know how I was appointed to this expedition?”|what’s my name, what’s my station, oh, just tell me what I should do/I don’t need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you/or bow down and be grateful and say “sure, take all that you see”/to the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me) Dance to Another Tune- First Aid Kit (“I’m a fake, brother”|will you look at me?/take a good look at me and tell me who/it is that I am//everything is tiresome, everything grows old/with each secret revealed, there’s another to be told) We Don’t Eat- James Vincent McMorrow (“my father was a ridiculous man”|me, I was holding all of my secrets soft and hid/pages were folded, then there was nothing at all/so if in the future I might need myself a savior/I’ll remember what was written on that wall/that we don’t eat until your father’s at the table) Surrender the Night- My Chemical Romance (I didn’t know any of that|you surrender your heart/I surrender every dream/every weapon you’ve got/every secret that I keep) See Through- Pentatonix (“I’ve never said it out loud before now”|all of me uncharted/begs to be explored//I am see through, baby/and I don’t wanna hide/for the very first time) Unclear- Kodaline (“I always felt I deserved more”|when the future’s so unsure/when the future’s so unclear/so you swallow your heart and you swallow your pride/you gotta be tough if you wanna survive/they’ll chew you up and they’ll eat you alive/you shouldn’t give up on the dreams in your mind) Neptune- Sleeping At Last (“are we brothers, Francis?”|a strong wind at my back/so I lift up the only sail that I have/this tired white flag//I’m only honest when it rains/an open book with a torn out page/and my ink’s run out/I want to love you but I don’t know how) Brothers on a Hotel Bed- Death Cab for Cutie (Fitzjames looking at his bullet wounds|you may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be/no longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise/the youthful boy below who turned your way and saw/something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end/but now he lives inside someone he does not recognize/when he catches his reflection on accident) human-Christina Perri (“worst kind of sorry”|I’m only human/and I crash and I break down/your words in my head, knives in my heart/you build me up and then I fall apart) Paint Me Black- Ben Hazelwood (“every man lies”|changing, rearranging/under your call, we all fall/just know that I won’t follow you further/I’m taking over, I’m now the leader) I’ll Follow You- Shinedown (“more than God loves them”|the first step is the one you believe in/the second one might be profound/I’ll follow you down through the eye of the storm/don’t worry I’ll keep you warm) All Fall Down- OneRepublic (walking out|yeah God love your soul and your aching bones/take a breath, take a step, meet me down below/everyone’s the same/our fingers to our toes/we just can’t get it right/but we’re on the road) Stay Gold- First Aid Kit (walking out|what if to love and be loved’s not enough?/what if I fall and can’t bear to get up?/oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold) Soldier On- The Temper Trap (walking out|all that is gold is rusting/no one will know/when seasons cease to change and:/how far we’ve gone/how far we’re going/it’s the here and the now/and the love for the sound/of the moments that keep us moving) Chin Up- Copeland (Fitzjames collapses|back to where we started/losing who we were/everybody knows that/you’d break your neck to keep your chin up) Old Wounds- PVRIS (“there is time”|they say don’t open old wounds/but this is still brand new/and I’ve got nothing left to lose besides you/and I’ve already lost you once) Landfill- Daughter (Hickey killing Gibson|leave me in the rain/wait until my clothes cling to my frame/wipe away your tear stains/thought you said you didn’t feel pain/well this is torturous electricity/between both of us and this is/dangerous, 'cause I want you so much/but I hate your guts) Save Yourself- Birdy (“my body… use it”|heaven knows, heaven knows/there’s no way to save us/look at what we have become/empty hearts that spare no one/save yourself my darling/just be gone by morning) You’re Not Alone- Saosin (“God wants you to live”|you’re not alone/there is more to this, I know/you can make it out/you will live to tell) The Way It Ends- Landon Pigg (“help me out of it”|this is the way it ends/don’t tell me it’s meaningless//you held me and taught me how/I think I am ready now/if this is the way it ends/this is the way it’s meant to be) Goner- Twenty One Pilots (eye contact|I’m a goner, somebody catch my breath/I wanna be known by you) Carry You Home- James Blunt (Fitzjames dies|as strong as you were, tender you go/I’m watching you breathing for the last time/a song for your heart, but when it is quiet/I know what it means and I’ll carry you home) Corpse Roads- Keaton Henson [not on spotify] (“we both know what’s coming for me”|and don’t lie, don’t lie/don’t lie, I know we’re fixing to die/and I’ll be like this 'til the long sleeper cry/and I won’t give in, we’ll be dead in the eyes/and I’ll see the dark things that you all try to hide/and I won’t be the damnedest bit fucking surprised The Light Behind Your Eyes- My Chemical Romance (“at least love me enough to admit it”|never let them take the light behind your eyes/I’ll fail and lose this fight/never fade in the dark/just remember you will always burn as bright//when I’m here, no longer/you must be stronger) No Sound But the Wind- Editors (Peglar collapses|if I say shut your eyes/if I say look away/bury your face in my shoulder/think of a birthday/the things you put in your head/they will stay here forever/our blood is cold/and we’re alone, love/but I’m alone with you) Be Still- The Killers (“give me forty minutes”|be still/close your eyes/soon enough you’ll be on your own/steady and straight/and if they drag you through the mud/it doesn’t change what’s in your blood/(over rock, over chain, over trap, over plain)/when they knock you down/don’t break character) Cemetery- Say Anything (Hickey eating Gibson|you’re in my body/that’s where I think about you) White Foxes- Susanne Sundfør (“I’m hungry and I want to live”|hunger, hunger, is the purest sin/it is an empty church in a crowded bin) Sword and the Pen- Regina Spektor (“I love the C”|for those who still can recall/the desperate colors of fall/the sweet caresses of May/only in poems remain/no one recites them these days/for the shame/so what if nothing is safe/so what if no one is saved/no matter how sweet/no matter how brave/what if each to his own lonely grave/I don’t want to live without you) One Last Time- Jaymes Young (Bridgens holding Peglar’s hand|could I feel your skin on mine/before I have to say goodbye/could I breathe, please, one last time/you’re in my lungs before I curl up/and die) Fires- Allman Brown (Bridgens walks away to die|in a torch there’s a thousand years unknown/voices tell me a truth I nearly know/this will all soon be memory/I was made in the fires/of your care for me//and I will find you in the next life) Be Still- The Fray (“you can lie there, not feeling well, while I try and cheer you up”|be still and know that I’m with you/be still and know that I am here) Come Back When You Can- Barcelona (Sophia in the snow|come back when you can/let go, you’ll understand/you’ve done nothing at all to make me love you less/so come back when you can) Saturn- Sleeping At Last (“this place is beautiful to me even now”|with shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite/how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist) If I Be Wrong- Wolf Larsen (Little and Le Vesconte go south|and what if I can’t, what if I can/what if I’m just an ordinary man/if there is a will, there is a way/I will escape for sure, I am David Blaine//and I have been wrong, I have been right/I have been both these things all in the same night) Tether- CHVRCHES (Jopson’s death|where’d you go, you were there by my side/keep believing it’s my turn to hide/in a place where we don’t have a prayer/there’s a tether that’s keeping me there) Two Evils- Bastille (“I didn’t have anywhere near an equal on this expedition, but you”|there are two ways to skin tonight/let’s see whose road gets there faster/this is a game, no wrongs, no right/only a winner and a loser/you and I, oh you and I/we’re not that different, you and I) Jupiter- Sleeping At Last (Goodsir’s suicide|I don’t know who I am, but now I know who I’m now//make my messes matter/make this chaos count/let every little fracture in me/shatter out loud) Bleeding Out- Imagine Dragons (Goodsir’s suicide|I’m bleeding out/so if the last thing that I do/is bring you down/I’ll bleed out for you/so I bare my skin/and I count my sins/and I close my eyes/and I take it in) Somebody to Die For- Hurts (“give me your gun, I’m the best shot here”|and I will let the devil know that/I was brave enough to die/and there’s no hell that he can show me/that’s deeper than my pride) The Keeper- Kina Grannis (Crozier muttering the names of his men|sand and stone, struggles to claim and own/(take my burden, I can’t bear the weight)/wars lost won, promises come undone/(I’ve been fighting, trying not to break)/nobody has to know//I will be your keeper) How’m I Supposed to Die- Civil Twilight (the last men falling|and the flesh that used to tingle/has turned a marble blue?/and you tell me that/we can never go back/what am I to say to that?//there’s only one thing left to do) Everything That Dies- Matthew and the Atlas (Crozier finding the last camps|you said everyone you know one day will surely die/but everything that dies in some way returns) Voices Off Camera- Rise Against (”close?”|we either choose to follow or be left on our own/so we’re leaving here on a less-travelled road/as desperate cries grow louder, I know we’re getting close, getting close) Friends Are Dead- Dresses (Crozier walking away with Silna|I’m wandering saintless debris/'cause the saints they arose/heaven took them home/and now I am lonely/this is how it ends, all my friends are dead/I know that I fucked up, the life of a cultural/how can I pretend that everything’s alright/when no one can find me alone in this wasteland?) Lovely- Billie Eilish (“decide in the spring”|isn’t it lovely? all alone/heart made of glass, my mind of stone/tear me to pieces, skin to bone/hello, welcome home/walking out of time/looking for a better place) I Am Only One- We Are the Fallen (Silna leaves|I’m on my own here/and no one’s left to be the hero of/this fairy tale gone wrong/as night will fall, my heart will die alone/ever after never came/and I’m still waiting for my heart to beat again/and all the dreams I’ve laid to rest/are ghosts that keep me/after all that I’ve become/I am only one) Ghost Towns- Radical Face (Crozier in the Arctic|'cause all my life is wrapped up in today/no past or future here/if I find my name’s no good/I just fall out of line/but I miss you/but there’s no comin’ home/there’s no comin’ home/with a name like mine) Exile- Show of Hands (Crozier in the Arctic|I can dream before the break of day/that I’m back with you again/then the morning blows it all away/and leaves an echo of your name/still a thousand miles lie between us/where we’re waking up alone/and what if I could cross a thousand borders/there’s no going home) Until the End- Breaking Benjamin (Crozier chooses to stay|why give up, why give in?/it’s not enough, it never is/so I will go on until the end/we’ve become desolate/it’s not enough, it never is/but I will go on until the end) Hurt- Johnny Cash (“we are gone”|what have I become/my sweetest friend/everyone I know goes away/in the end/and you could have it all/my empire of dirt/I will let you down/I will make you hurt) Bring Me Home-Fahrenhaidt (Crozier walks away|will you find, will you find, will you find me alone?/when you’re far out over the water I’ll be there too/will you find, will you find, will you find me and bring me home?/are you lost/are you chasing hollow dreams/are you lost/was it worth forsaking me?) The Ocean- The Bravery (Crozier and Ross|I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge/at all of the lives that I never have led/there’s one where I stayed with you across the sea/I wonder do you still think of me/I carry your image always in my head/folded and yellowed and torn at the edge/and I’ve looked upon it for so many years/slowly I am losing your face) In the Wind- Lord Huron (Robert Goodsir aboard Felix|you’ve been gone for a long long time/you’ve been in the wind, you’ve been on my mind/you are the purest soul I’ve ever known in my life//when you left I was far too young/to know you’re worth more than the moon and the sun/you are still alive when I look to the sky in the night) Frozen Oceans- Shiny Toy Guns (those left behind|ten thousand miles apart/a frozen ocean joins our hearts/I can’t wait to meet you when/the frozen waves meet ocean floors/you’ll be standing on the shore/I can’t wait to meet you then) Come Home- OneRepublic (those left behind|come home, come home/'cause I’ve been waiting for you/for so long, so long) Fields of Gold- Celtic Woman (nostalgia|you’ll remember me when the west wind moves/among the fields of barely/you can tell the sun in his jealous sky/when we walked in fields of gold) Arctic- Sleeping At Last (the last shot of Crozier)

[waterparchive]

Toxic Fandom, Public Heartbreak, And The Feedback Loop

Travis Riddle – October 29, 2019

Fandom by Waterparks is one of my favorite albums of the year, regardless of the fact that…I am friends with the band. There was not a single track that immediately stood out as my favorite like Take Her to the Moon and Peach on previous albums--but I think that's because everything on this one is so good, it's impossible to choose one. I Miss Sex/War Crimes/I Felt Younger would probably comprise my top 3, but every song is fantastic. And the album is on the shorter side but you truly don't feel that length, these songs all go through so many different movements--lyrically and musically--that every song is just dense as hell and it feels a lot longer than it is, while still not feeling overwhelming or messy at all. It flows great and hits some really interesting themes.

This write-up was initially sent to Awsten on the album’s release date, and I’ve edited it a little below for clarity/brevity, because I would not shut up about it.

1. Cherry Red - Starting the album off with that bark/yell is so tight. A year and a half ago in that parking lot going to get crawfish together I didn't really "get" this song, but after hearing the album several times it really clicked for me. I love how it acts as kind of a setup to the whole thing, getting the listener into your mindset and introducing one of the main themes of the album. I also like how it continues your color motifs; "blue and yellow let’s get together and be green" has now gone bad and turned to sour green, and it seems like cherry red is replacing yellow (red + yellow = orange hmmmmm). I also love how "You know I died for you" ties into the closing track, "I said I loved you to death so I must be dead."

2. WWHN - A really great choice for the first full song of the album to set the tone for the Fandom theme in contrast with Cherry Red setting up the emotional side of the lyrics. It's also a goddamn jam so it's great at hyping up right at the start hahah. I've probably told you everything about this already but I like what you're saying in this, and how it's something probably every single artist goes through in their career, but no one seems to say in a critical way (that I’m aware of). I'm sure this and other songs will make some fans upset because they're being called out but I like that, and it's some stuff that needs to be said.

3. Dream Boy - Lots of good stuff about fan expectations in this, dressed up in metaphors and really catchy pop to catch people off-guard. Love the phrase "Build-A-Boy, pick your pieces" and "Do you believe in love and is it because of me?" With people's weird way of crafting their whole lives and beliefs and desires on these celebrities that they don't know personally at all yet are so invested in.

4. Easy to Hate - I feel like this is the most straightforward and "simple" song thematically, but man it is so catchy. The sound effect that I'm sure is your voice in the opening before the verse is so damn cool. I like this first real hint of the colors turning to red. This is thematically pretty similar to other demos like ********* and Play and stuff so with how catchy and big this chorus is, it's easy to see why you chose this one to cover that topic. I'm also a sucker for someone doing the chorus in a song but stripped down like you do here. Those harmonies in the final chorus are also soooo good..........

5. High Definition - You're on some Imogen Heap-ass shit here and it's dope. I like this as a single choice since I feel like the emotional side of the album really hinges on this track--it's not a breakup album in the typical sense (aside from like Easy to Hate and Worst), but rather it's about the aftermath of the breakup and the emotional state surrounding that, the doubts and insecurities and vulnerabilities of losing trust in everybody due to one person’s actions, and this song is such a direct and succinct and sad encapsulation of that. Hate how this whole song makes me feel for my friend but it's also really pretty and good.

6. Telephone - This is some real Hellogoodbye-ass shit here with the ending of the chorus hahah. The juxtaposition between this and High Definition is interesting, basically both songs coming to the same conclusion--not committing to a relationship--but in totally opposite ways. With this one basically being "I won't tell you how I'm feeling, I'll just go write lyrics/sing voice memos/tweet." Is this about the damn pretty Target girl you tweeted about once? "Now I'm living on a target" and "all these aisles feel like miles" hmmmmMMM. This wasn't my favorite when I first heard it but it realllllly grew on me and now I love it. The chorus is so good and I love what you're doing with the music/harmonies in the background of it. Also the dumb shit after "I'll follow" always makes me laugh. Then the dichotomy between this/HD is emphasized in the closing Wedding Singer sample which I feel like represents the fandom; you’re going through this huge emotional turmoil, but we’re reaping the benefits by getting great songs out of it.

7. Group Chat - It works as a goofy little interlude but I also like what it says thematically (if I'm not just pulling this out of my ass anyway). On one hand it seems to me like a commentary on the inanity of some fan group chats, how in some of them they all act like they're best friends but really it's just a surface-level friendship. "My name's [whatever] and we're all friends! :D" and then also with the effect on your voice, seems to imply to me how mentally draining everyone in the fandom can sometimes be on you more so than Geoff and Otto.

8. Turbulent - I know some people just gotta have their metaphors and shit in their lyrics but I love how direct this song is. Just plainly stating things makes them feel so much more raw and real. I can't see how you could more powerfully convey the anger and hurt than with "I'd unfuck you if I could." Also the "sOoOoO" in the second chorus is still best part (also the barks). Also the pitched-down backup vocals are tight in this song, really gets you into the frantic, pissed off headspace.

9. NBA - I like the potential double meaning of the chorus in this one; everyone in LA looks like you cause I'm missing you and seeing you everywhere, but also it’s kind of insulting, like "everyone in LA looks like you, you're not special." But aside from that, another very pretty albeit sad song. The chorus with full instrumentation and harmonies really hits hard. I also like the 11:11 connection with tying breath in knots; you're always really great at bringing back recurring images and lines in your writing, it makes your discography feel really connected and like you're actually writing these things, it's not some producer in a studio writing lyrics for you. These songs all lead into each other; the songs on Fandom could not exist without what came before in DD and Entertainment. That evolution is always really interesting to see, how these different motifs recur and change their meaning over time. I assume the main metaphor of this might also be a callback to Crybaby with “chasing through dreams in bloom.”

10. IMHSBALIDWDA - Definitely one of my favorites, it's just so damn fun. And once again some cool vocal effect you have going on in the background, which I always love. The lyrics here are fun but also biting; I've been thinking of this as a commentary on how fans don't really care about an artist's well-being or life even if they try to act like they do, they just want new songs and good performances and new merch etc. etc. no matter what it means the artist is going through or how they feel when they sing these emotionally devastating songs. So the chorus to me is kinda like a self-care anthem in a way, setting aside all the negative stuff and admitting to yourself hey, at least I feel kind of better now; maybe not entirely better, but I'm getting there.

11. War Crimes - Another song with sad lyrics but musically it goes so damn hard, another favorite. "I'm forgetting how to hate myself" is one of my favorite lyrics on the album, as is "My death will be the fandom." I don't even totally know what to say about this song cause sooo much is going on and it's just crazy. "Let's go!" is also a favorite moment. And the "I saved my own life" calling back to Not Warriors is tight.

12. [Reboot] - Hey is "I need to sleep alone" a reference to Sleep Alone!!!!!?!???? I've already talked to you about this song a lot too so I don't have much new to say. The vocal effect on the bridge is dope. The breaths before verse 2 are maybe my favorite part, as well as what you do on "all on you" including holding out "you" into the chorus. And whatever's going on in the background at the end of that second chorus, I can't tell if it's vocals or instruments or what, but it sounds really cinematic and cool.

13. Worst - This new version is so cool, it has so much texture that the demo didn't. Vocals are also really pretty. The added bass and electronics really add a lot of rhythm and an interesting vibe to this; the bass is almost jazzy in a way? But then the electronics/percussion are almost like a dance beat but really stripped down? I dunno, it's such an odd combination, especially with the guitar just being acoustic. One of the most interesting songs on the album sonically despite being comparatively "simple" at first listen.

14. Zone Out - My least fave just because it's such a simple interlude, but what I like that it does is like...basically comments on the preceding songs I guess? It's like a question to the listener. At the beginning you've got Dream Boy setting up their expectations, then this comes at the very end and essentially asks them, "After hearing all of these angry heartbroken songs, am I still your dream boy? Do you still think love exists because of me even though I've gone through all this and don’t believe in it myself?" I like that it makes the listener confront their previous feelings and expectations before we dive into the finale.

15. IFYWWM - First off I absolutely love the effect you put on the vocals at the start of this, especially with how that effect abruptly cuts off; it's so weird and interesting and I never get tired of hearing it. The difference between the demo and this final version is amazing, I love this song. And "I said I loved you to death so I must be dead" is such a great one-two punch; it hits hard as a "fuck you!" line with being a way to say you don't love her anymore, but then you realize how sad it is that the effect has been this emotional death that pervades the entire album and eventually leads right back into Cherry Red. Which is also a depressing ending; it's so abrupt without any closure about anything talked about on the album, and the way that it circles back into the opener kind of implies to me that maybe there's a sense of circularity to everything, it's unending, the songs will always be fueled by heartbreak and the emotional trauma will never go away and dealing with it in the public eye of the fandom will always be overbearing.

http://www.travismriddle.com/blog/2019/10/29/toxic-fandom-public-heartbreak-and-the-feedback-loop

[sasharacket]

Thoughts on the relisten.

We need to stop woobifying Martin. I love him as much as the next person but dude was a passive aggressive, jealous little shit to people that definitely did not deserve it. It's entertaining and understandable, and absolutely delightful when certain bastards deserve it, but he is not as soft as we make him out to be and I need fic of the cutting edges. (I would like to make it clear that I live for soft fic. Just, I'll take sharp fic recommendations if you have them)

God, every single interaction between Jon and Georgie in her flat is gold. Jon instantly getting irritated on her behalf when she told him he didn't need to leave for her date is gold.

"Prove it" "What would you never willingly tell me?" "Your accent sounds fake as hell"

The 180° of Melanie's "god guys this job is fine and I'm staying, I'm not even going to try to leave" to "I'm going to murder this bastard for keeping me here" is fascinating.

Jon's sassing Jude will always be a highlight. "Yes, I understand, you could easily kill me, I'm at your mercy, blah blah blah"

I appreciate the official transcripts, but [MUFFLED FEELINGS] does not describe how vehement and clearly "fuck you" it is

Ah yes, the episode where I went from "ooooh Elias is an evil bastard I love him" to "Elias is an evil bastard and I would kill him myself"

....did they just imply that Julia listens to The Archers too? Cause "Hunters all listen to the same soap opera" is very funny.

Julia and Trevor's gentle ribbing of each other is so good.

111, the episode where the yelling officially caught my attention and made me start listening.

I'm just so sad that we only got one episode with Gerard snarking. I'd listen to an offshoot with his running around messing shit up. "I'm not their bloody Monster Manual"

Forgot the context of "like colors, but if colors hated me" I know it's going punch me in the gut and end terribly, it's still a funny show.

Jon's actively trying not to ask Tim questions and choosing to trust folks has been talked about before but it is still such good character development.

I know it's part of being a VA, but the ability to telegraph enough emotion with just your voice to conjure mental pictures of facial expressions is fascinating. Also, Jonny's flustered stutter is amazing.

I listened to 118 the first time while doing the dishes and basically dancing around the kitchen. It was great the first time and is great the third time too. I know earlier drops are WAY healthier for the crew, but I really miss evening drops. Getting to scramble to finish supper so I could listen while cleaning up.

Ok, relistening to the Q&As while I'm at it and the bit about needing to trust the show not to curve ball into uncomfortable/unsafe topics is EXACTLY why I thought I hated horror and now love this show (tbf, I listen to a ton of horror that I didn't realize it was horror because I felt safe)

"There hasn't been an Alex" there was and she died.

I want to be Georgie Barker when I grow up.

I'd be pretty mentally unsound myself if I had the shit beaten out of me 13 times in what? 2 years?

Ooooh! The clay episode that came out immediately after I finished a pottery clay and wigged me the fuck out at the timing.

The sound design when Jon says "Stop." in Heavy Goods? Amazing. The ....hum? leading up to it and then the high pitched whine after is just good stuff.

Ok, pandemic messed with my ability to think about this doc, so I just missed half a season.

Listened to Movement of the Heavens 4 days ago, then got a little over bouncy about Flamsteed in the Isaac Newton bio of A Brief History of Time tonight (tldr: Newton was a garbage man). I know it was pulled from fact, but recognizing names is always fun.

Concrete Jungle is still probably my favorite statement giver.

Why does Helen have Michael's laugh? Not the echo, that's the Spiral, but the little sigh at the end is Michael's. Before being taken. Kudos to Imogen for replicating it perfectly, but why is it a thing?

[ducksbellorum]

one for all (listen/download)

an office (usa) mix - arranged by ducksbellorum

Roy Anderson = Gone : TobyMac Because Pam’s a smart, beautiful, fantastic woman and he never realized it until it was too late. She said she’s had enough So, it sounds to me like your still out of love And she said you weren’t true And life’s not blowin’ her kisses thanks to you Oscar Martinez = Have You Got It In You? : Imogen Heap Because he’s probably the most diligent person in the office and it’s a job to try and keep his coworkers straight. It takes a lot to be always on form It takes a lot. I maybe not, all the time, all I’ve got Maybe not Darryl Philbin = Sixteen Tons : Tennessee Ernie Ford Because he works in the warehouse, basically. He’s a hard worker and doesn’t get enough recognition. You load sixteen tons, what do you get Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don’t you call me ‘cause I can’t go I owe my soul to the company store Andrew Bernard = Gaston : Beauty and the Beast Because Andy thinks he is all that, and a rather large bag of chips. There’s no man in town as admired as you You’re everyone’s favorite guy Everyone’s awed and inspired by you And it’s not very hard to see why Kelly Kapoor = Mamma Mia : Merryl Streep Because she still adores Ryan, in spite of everything he’s done to her and all the times she tries to stop. was cheated by you And I think you know when So I made up my mind, it must come to an end Look at me now, will I ever learn? Kevin Malone = Let’s Duet : John C. Reilly and Angela Correa Because the innuendo in this song is right up Kevin’s alley. In my dreams you’re blowing me… some kisses That’s one of my favorite things to do You and I could go down… in history That’s what I’m planning to do with you Gabe Lewis = Mr. Cellophane : Chicago Because Gabe is the invisible man around the office. And even without clucking like a hen Everyone gets noticed, now and then, Unless, of course, that personage should be Invisible, inconsequential me! Jim Halpert = Lucky : Glee Cast Because he’s married his best friend, Pam, after such a long time. Cheesy, yes, but apt. I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again I’m lucky we’re in love in every way Jan Levenson = Happy : Jenny Lewis Because she alternately loves and hates Michael, and she can’t make up her mind. Because I can’t remember why I hated you Can’t remember why I still do But I’m as sure as the moon rolls around you That I could be happy Angela Martin = Heaven’s Light/Hellfire : The Hunchback of Notre-Dame Because she’s so holier-than-thou, yet she’s caught up in her desire for Dwight. And maybe Andy too. You know I am a righteous man Of my virtue I am justly proud You know I’m so much purer than The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd Phyllis Lapin-Vance = This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us : Sparks Because in the feud between Phyllis and Angela, Phyllis is through backing down. This town ain’t big enough for the both of us And it ain’t me who’s gonna leave. Dwight Schrute = Brand New Day : Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog Because he is going to take down Jim Halpert. One of these days… All the times that you beat me unconscious, I forgive All the crimes incomplete, listen, honestly I’ll live Mr. Cool, Mr. Right, Mr. Know-It-All is through Now my future’s so bright and I owe it all to you Stanley Hudson = No Surprises : Regina Spektor Because this pathetic job is probably going to be what ultimately kills him. A heart that’s full up like a landfill A job that slowly kills you Bruises that won’t heal You look so tired, unhappy Holly Flax = Escape (The Pina Colada Song) : Rupert Holmes Because it makes me think of something she and Michael might do one day. If you like making love at midnight In the dunes of the Cape, Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for Write to me and escape Pam Beesly-Halpert = Be Ya Self : Tarsha Vega Because she’s finally become that Fancy New Beesly she’s always wanted to be. It’s all right now I learned this lesson well I say, ya can’t please everyone so Ya gots ta be yoself Ryan Howard = Everybody Loves Me : OneRepublic Because he’s a bitch who thinks everybody should love him because he is teh awesome. But here’s the thing: he’s not. Oh my! Feels just like I don’t try Looks so good I might die All I know is everybody loves me Toby Flenderson = The Worst Day Since Yesterday : Flogging Molly Because poor Toby just can’t seem to catch a break. Hell says hello, well it’s time I should go To pastures green that I’ve yet to see Hurry back to me, my wild colleen It’s been the worst day since yesterday Michael Scott = Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) : C&C Music Factory Because I can see him having this on his 'groove’ playlist and rocking out. Dance till you can’t dance Till you can’t dance no more Get on the floor and get warm Then come back and upside down Erin Hannon = Suddenly I See : KT Tunstall Because Erin is such a sweet little thing. Her face is a map of the world Is a map of the world You can see she’s a beautiful girl She’s a beautiful girl Creed Bratton = Master of the House : Les Miserables Because Creed is a creepy and sneaky old bugger. You never know what he’s up to… Everybody loves a landlord Everybody’s bosom friend I do whatever pleases, Jesus! Don’t I bleed them in the end! Meredith Palmer = 1985 : Bowling For Soup Because it makes me think of the life Meredith might have wanted when she was young. She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star She was gonna shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car Her yellow SUV is now the enemy Looks at her average life and nothing has been alright

[probably-writing-x]

High Society (Chapter 8)

Tags: @imarypayne @sunshine112 @sleepwalkingdragon @supernatural-girl97 @vibhati123 @butithasntkilledyouyet @faefictions @carisi-sonny @trap-house-homiecide @shamelessbookaddict @tommydaspidey @oneblckcoffee

Warnings: Mentions of murder, language warning, suggestions of sex, mentions of gang crime/activity, depictions of crime

"Oh you're just so funny Harrison!" Imogen squeals at something extremely mundane that Harrison had just spoken. The entire evening had been like this and now the four of you were curled on the comfort of the couch, ignoring the view of the Netflix film playing on Tom's grand TV.

"Yeah," Harrison nods, wanting nothing more than to pull away from her clinging onto him.

You and Tom were much more natural in your intimacy, he had snuggled into you to lay his head on your lap as your hands absently trailed through his hair and over his exposed biceps.

The sound of the front door opening made everyone thankful for a break away from this awkward atmosphere. You glanced over to see Sam greeting Noah into the house. Huh, didn't realise they were friends...

Tom's eyes peek open minimally and he peers over the back of the couch to see the visitor, "Noah?" He frowns.

"Oh, hey guys," Noah smiles and you notice his embarrassment as he scratches at the back of his neck, "(Y/N),"

"Hi," You respond, washed over with a feeling of guilt about how things were left between you and Noah and Zendaya, "I'll be back in a minute okay?" You say to Tom who realises his need to move by the shuffling of your thighs.

Noah looks at you as you move over to him and realises that he should be following you as you walk out of way from their prying ears.

"Listen I'm-" You start, not really sure what to say after your apology.

"I know, me too," Noah nods, relieving any of the tension that existed between you, "We were way too harsh with you earlier,"

"No, you were right. All of this stuff with Tom, it's made me get caught up in all of their drama and that's definitely not what I had planned for this year," You sigh and you can't help but let your eyes dance back over to Tom who looked so alone without you.

"Yeah, I think we've all done things we didn't plan to so far," He chuckles and you notice his eyes falling onto the younger of the Holland brothers in your sights.

"So, you and Sam, huh?" You raise your brows, "I didn't even know you two were friends, or spoke!"

"Me neither," He laughs, "I was in cooking a few weeks ago and he needed some help so we worked together. And we just got on really well. He's still struggling with his sexuality and I'm not exactly confident with mine so... I don't know, we're good for each other,"

"Noah that's really great to hear," You smile, "Go on, get back to your man,"

He laughs as the two of you walk back into the lounge, "And you get back to yours,"

You look over to Tom once again to see his look of anger as he sees Imogen's treatment towards Harrison. The way she glares every time he acts in a way she doesn't like, the constant desire for an unnecessary affection.

"Hey," You break his gaze, sitting back down in the empty warmth beside him.

Tom's attitude changes instantly as he wraps his arms around you, lifting your legs over his to try to keep you as close as possible, "Is Noah here for Sam?"

His question is one you don't want to answer, you didn't know how much Tom knew about Sam and you didn't want to be the one to say something Sam wouldn't be comfortable with. Your lack of response gives him enough of an answer.

"I'm glad he has someone," He comments, nuzzling into your neck, "I'd hate to think that he feels like he's alone. And I hate that he's not comfortable with telling us,"

"Well, these things take time. It's a big thing and he's still coming to terms with who he is, but he knows you're there for him," You answer, running your hand through his locks.

Tom leans into your touch and for a moment feels more sure of himself than ever, "Are you staying tonight?"

You pause for a moment and scan the details of his face. The crisp continuance of his jawline, the clean shaven skin that settled above it, the warmth in his dark eyes.

"I'd love to," You smile, pecking his lips softly.

~~~Wednesday 30th January 2019~~~

"You and (Y/N) began an intimate relationship is that correct?" The woman asks but of course she knows it is.

"Yes," Tom states bluntly, becoming increasingly irritated at their fixation on your relations with him.

"Her parents weren't a huge fan of the life she was creating for herself. In fact, they were willing to take her out of school," She proceeds, "All because of issues they had with Imogen,"

"It wasn't just Imogen," Tom is quick to respond, knowing the woman was likely to suspect him if she continued, "They didn't like me either,"

~~~Saturday 17th November 2018~~~

You awoke the next morning and were sure the events of last night were a dream you would swear yourself to secrecy over. But there he was. In his exposed vulnerability, Tom's arm was wrapped around your waist, his head nesting against your shoulder.

Your slightly movements made his hold tighten just a little bit and you regretted trying to move an inch when you saw his eyes begin to flutter open.

"Morning," You mumble, breaking the thick air that had settled over the room since the events of last night.

Tom groans in response, welcoming your form beside him and nuzzling into you further, "Morning,"

You shuffle in the bed and eventually manage to turn to face him, noticing the disheveled mess of his bed hair that was probably more of your doing than of anything his natural sleeping had done.

"I hate to be that person," You begin and you know he is certain of how you will respond, "But I need to go,"

"So I'm just a one night stand, hmm?" He questions with mock offense but his showering of tired kisses across your collarbone said differently.

You roll your eyes and kiss the tip of his nose, pulling yourself with all your mental strength away from his touch. His eyes remained shut as he shuffled over to your side of the bed, hoping to collect some more of your scent from there. When you stand up to collect you discarded clothes from your previous evening and glance over to see Tom peering at you through slightly opened eyes.

"Thomas Stanley Holland!" You exclaim, "Are you looking?"

"Come on, darling, you know I saw it all last night," He smirks and the pride on his face makes you blush beyond belief, "But, I won't look,"

He rolls onto his back and tucks an arm underneath his head, averting his eyes to the ceiling.

"So, do you think Harrison is going to be okay?" You start, interested to see his reaction after last night.

"I'm scared he'll do something he's going to regret if I'm honest," Tom admits and you notice his deep sigh by the large rise of his chest.

"What do you mean?" You frown as you tug Tom's tshirt from last night over your body, welcoming it's loose fit over your skin.

"Harrison... can act without thinking sometimes. And he's not a bad person, but part of him is always willing to do bad things," Tom admits and all you want to do is go over to him and promise him that he wasn't going to lose his best friend. That all of this was temporary like all of their high society problems were meant to be.

Tom glances up to you and the smile that dances as a shadow on his lips is a clear response to your natural beauty in his view.

"Stop staring," You exclaim and he laughs at your inability to accept his excessive affection, "We're meant to be talking about Harrison,"

~~~Wednesday 30th January 2018~~~

"You got yourself involved in something you shouldn't have done," By Harrison's silence, the woman knows she's going to have to continue, "More specifically, you got yourself involved in a gang. They were willing to provide you with an escape from all of your domestic issues and you accepted completely. Tell me what happened after that,"

"They started off as just an escape. I just wanted to find any way of pretending this was only part of my life, and I wasn't surrounded by everything that I was losing," Harrison admits, head in his hands as he re-lives events he swore against ever considering again, "But then they started getting me involved in their business,"

"And what did you do, Harrison?"

The thought returning made him feel utterly sick.

~~~Friday 30th November 2018~~~

"Are you coming round tonight, mate?" Tom asks Harrison as he closes his locker door and turns to his friend.

Haz scratches at the back of his head, "Not tonight T, I've got plans,"

"What?" Tom laughs, "The boxing's on, we always watch the boxing together. You, me, Sam, Harry, Paddy," He pauses as he sees you walking up to them, "And this one's even joining us,"

"And I'm sure you'll have a great time," Harrison sighs, slinging his rucksack over his shoulder, "But, like I said, I've got stuff to do,"

He'd been weird like this for the past two weeks. Sometimes he'd just leave class to take a call from random numbers, or he'd just not turn up to school at all. There was always a lingering hint of alcohol and tobacco staining his pristine clothes and there was a certain 'on-edge' feeling to all of his movements.

"What was that all about?" You frown, walking up to Tom and welcoming the arm wrapping instantly around you.

"I don't know," He mumbles, his voice distant and clearly not focused on you, though he soon snaps away from it to look at you, "We should follow him,"

You pull away and look him in those heart-melting eyes, "You want to follow him?"

"I think he's in trouble," Tom comments aimlessly and soon he's tracing the invisible footprints of his friend, whether he had your approval or not.

~~~

The two of you follow Harrison all the way to the river where you notice him meet up with a group of people you were thankful you didn't know. They all held cigarettes and drink, Harrison included in only the drink, and their conversations made you feel a bit sick.

"Who are they?" You whisper to Tom from your cowering position behind the concrete wall.

By the stern expression tainting Tom's innocence, you could tell he knew exactly who they were. His hand gripped onto the wall a little more and drained a little more blood from his paling fingers. His pursed lips open to expose some information but it all stops at your next sight. One of the group who appeared to hold some authority over the rest pulled out the distinctive shadow of a gun from his pocket, it curved in his wounded hands like he knew every part of its body. And then it was in Harrison's. The way it seemed to weigh him down, the way he refused to look at it, the shudder down his back that he hoped he could hide; you knew it was all foreign to him.

It is like you can see the lump in Tom's throat that resonates in your own. You can see the way his hands would shake if they weren't so clenched against the wall.

"What are they going to make him do?" You ask quietly, though maybe it was better if you didn't get an answer to that question.

"I don't know," Tom responds, his words cold in this November chill, "But I have a pretty damn good idea,"

~~~Wednesday 30th January 2019~~~

"They were manipulating him, everybody was," Tom shakes his head, hands clasped on the desk in front of him, "He was desperate and he wanted to find somewhere where he felt like he could be somebody else. Where he didn't have to be the Osterfield son or Imogen's boyfriend,"

The woman opts to not respond this time, for what felt like the first time in forever. She knows Tom's continuance would probably give her more information.

"But those guys, that gang or whatever you want to call them," He continues, "They're bad people. I know they are. I knew it before and I know it now, they're willing to destroy people's lives,"

~~~Friday 30th November 2018~~~

You followed Harrison like stalkers, watching his every move and interaction. All the way to Imogen's house. With a gun.

He hid in the seclusion of her gardens, pulling a balaclava over his face and tugging the hood of the jacket those guys had given him over his head. The gun was pulled out of his pockets and you were sure that your heart stopped in that moment. What was he willing to do?

Tom lunged to go after him but it was too late as Harrison was already off. Starting his criminal steps towards the house like he would never return.

And you were sure you were about to be sick, the churning in your stomach like a ticking clock until he would walk back out of that house. If he ever did.

"We can't let him do this," Tom confirms after what felt like an eternity, "He's going to kill her,"

"Harrison doesn't have that in him, that's not like him," You assure him, feeling like it was the best thing you could say for now.

"He's going to kill her," Tom repeats and he was shaking now, slumping against the wall and certain that he was losing his mind.

"Tom," You cup your hand over his cheek, tugging him back to you, "He won't. We can't believe that he will because that's a worst case scenario,"

"Then what do we fucking do?" He raises his voice and you find yourself flinching away from him.

Before you can respond, Harrison comes charging out of the house, stumbling over his own feet and rounding the corner towards the alley where you and Tom were hiding.

Tom and you both stand up quickly and Harrison haults when he sees you.

"H what the fu-" Tom begins but Harrison simply grabs onto both of you and continues running.

It feels like you're running forever, feet pounding against concrete floors away from ths peering eyes of security cameras and the consistent policing of neighbours.

"This way!" Harrison yells and he hurries ahead through a tangling matrix of bushes, tripping over his feet but somehow faster than ever.

Tom grips your hand and pulls you through too and you find yourself in the back garden of Tom's house.

You can see them share a nostalgic thought and can't help but picture them taking that route every day when they were little, just two boys determined to play football when it was too cold outside.

But then it breaks. And Tom is full of a fury that he doesn't care to hide.

"Haz what the fuck do you think you're doing?" His voice rumbles as he grips at the material covering Harrison's chest, shoving him with full force, "What is that shitty mind of yours thinking?"

"Tom!" You exclaim, trying to break them apart.

Tom is quick to dismiss you, "H what are you getting yourself into? What have you done?"

Harrison can't respond, his eyes full of an utter fear that wouldn't be subsiding any time soon. It is then that he drops what he had been concealing this whole time, a velvet box falling to the grass beneath your feet.

[ralfstrashcan]

3x11 Reaction / Commentary

So I haven't even started the episode and I'm already confused.

Why did Netflix put 3B in a separate folder? I mean, they didn't with 2B. What's the matter with that. Or is this just the German Netflix??

Smoooooothe move. Somewhere Derek Hale is smiling proudly.

Wtf why they so slow. I was half expecting this to be a simulation or sth because they took ages to arrive and then were walking super chill???

Seelie guy doesn't use this obvious distraction of the others to try and escape, since he knows he's just a minor character and shouldn't interfere.

Beautiful grieving sequence, especially Jace with the sketch of himself. I knew there would be a portrait of him in there before he even turned the page, I could feel it. I love how sensitive and therefore predictable the show is.

Ooooh nooooo Clary is still aliiiiiive, who whould have thought?!?!?! Okay sorry haha I had to.

lol didn't he look in a mirror recently and realize there's still no real resemblance? I mean, at least now he's not charred anymore, so I guess there's more resemblance than before, but you know what I mean. And I get it, this is supposed to be a parallelism to Lilith saying the same thing, but if memory serves right, at this point in time Jonathan was a) in a thick glass casket and b) dead so I'm wondering how he could have heard that.

wtf I'm getting sooo mixed signals from him. Does he want to give off creeper vibes or play house? Because he's kinda doing both?? Play Creeper House???

YEAH LITERALLY I WANT TO SEE THEIR HEATING BILLS

This...... doesn't sound as reassuring as it sounded in your head, Jonathan.

So, points for Clary for that ploy, but my heart is already pre-emptively breaking for Jonathan when he finds out she's playing him. The poor guy just wants family after being used and abused his whole life, man. Is that too much to ask.

More points for Clary for being sensible and grabbing a coat!!

“Clary, come on. You can't go out there. You're never gonna survive.”

Hahaha that had me laughing out loud. So Clary.

Okay, minus points for Clary for not actually wearing the coat. You had a winning streak of common sense but all good things must end, I guess.

Picturesque. But, uh, since Jonathan isn't following her she could slow down. And if she was a Slytherin, she would have waited til after breakfast with her daring escape.

LISTEN I LOVE THIS CASUAL DOMESTICITY

Also if you're more make-up versed than I am (which, admittedly, isn't very hard) and realized something was off about the way Magnus held that eyeliner stick (?) then check lynne-monstr's eyeliner salt club tag because it's hilarious. I also want to rec volunteer_of_hufflepuff's fic smile even though your heart is breaking because it's awesome.

...........................really. Really. That's how they want to play it? Ugh, okay. Ugh.

You know, I've had a whole lengthy extensive (dare I say exhaustive) rant ripening in my head since I saw this bit in the sneak peek but I'm just not in the mood, so let me cut it short: I get Simon's reaction emotionally, since losing Clary must be a horrible experience for him, but I'm still bitter about early 3A where blasting that werewolf across Taki's yard and knowing he might never walk again didn't bother Simon for one second. Repercussions should always matter, regardless of how close you are to the person affected.

Oh dear, she's still running. And her hair still looks like that?

Sure. Also

How can he keep up with her when he's walking and she's running? I mean he's not that much taller than her. Or does she run ten feet, pause to gasp and pant a little, runs again, stop and go, y'know? So on average she's just powerwalking.

Ok srsly I need to stop this nonsensical commentary.

Yeah and I guess he didn't notice the Clave-approved vampire-torture-sunlight construction Aldertree installed in this very same office (shown in 2x04 if you care to remember).

........who are you and what did you do to Alec Lightwood? You seriously want to tell me he'd consider not bringing up a violation of the Accords, and more importantly power abuse and torture, because of political reasons and he's “scared” to lose his standing with Jia? Please. He'd be enforcing Clave law. He'd be well within his right. We're talking about the guy who flat out refused to do the Inquisitor's bidding because it went against his moral code. Compared to that, this is a walk in the park. So. Please.

“I understand the kind of pain you're in, Jace.”

“No you don't. I'm sorry, you don't.”

“You're right...

Oh my god this isn't about Clary, or at least not for the most part. Jace is frikking traumatized because he wasn't in control of his body or his actions or his frakking mind for days. Btw I'm actually impressed and surprised they bothered to focus on anything but the Clary-Drama, namely Jace second-hand-killing like 33 people. And Imogen. And almost Alec. The way I see Jace he'll focus on his guilt, not the pain he feels over Clary's loss. Clary will be on his mind and that's one more thing to feel shitty about, because how can he be so selfish and think about his own pain when he brought so much more pain on other people? Jace has an incredibly intricately self-destructive mind and I love how it was portrayed here. Also loved the scene in general with some Izzy&Jace sibling feels, the tender way she talks to him, his kiss to her hand. But the focus (mainly because of Izzy) returning to Clary annoyed me a little.

And by the way, there is one person who can understand Jace. Alec. Because he was possessed by a demon and forced to kill someone, too. Granted, he doesn't have the memories of the action itself, but he saw it on tape. He blames himself because the demon fed off his own hate against Jocelyn. So I would really really love to see those two talking about it. I'm extremely thrilled to watch on and see if they do (but lol kinda hoping they don't because then I can finish writing my ficlet about it, which I sadly didn't manage to before 3B aired).

MY LIFE EXPECTANCY JUST INCREASED BY AT LEAST FIVE YEARS OKAY

Also what a damn badass nightlight, I want one as well even though I hate not to sleep in absolute darkness, that's how pretty this is.

HAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHA I  C A N ' T

ALEC'S OFFENDED FACE AS IF THIS IS NEWS TO HIM

Wow I'm so glad they didn't forget about Iris. I was scared, not gonna lie.

Tbh I don't find Madzie's reaction that realistic. I mean, Valentine – the first person to talk to her after she got ripped from her normal life in her normal home – told her Clary got Iris into trouble. At some point they must have told her that Iris isn't coming back. But did they really tell her Iris was breeding warlocks? I highly doubt that. At most they told her Iris did some bad things. But, since they probably said the same thing about Valentine (and he was always “nice” to her) and told her Clary wasn't in fact evil, that kind of loses its meaning. And let's not forget, she is a child. A probably traumatized child, I might add, since Valentine used her to literally kill at least ten Shadowhunters that we see on screen, likely more. Her perception of what is right and what is wrong is easily swayed. And personally I think she neither really registered that Iris is supposed to be the bad guy now nor that living with Catarina / Magnus and Alec is sooooo much better than living with Iris ever was, so her having such a strong opposition against going with Iris seems unrealistic to me.

Love this. So good.

This is actually really beautiful

This is actually really dramatic for no reason and I'm soooo here for it.

Soooooo am I the only one wondering why the F Cat didn't put some wards on Magnus's place? I mean????? There is no explanation given for that, and frankly I can't come up with one. If not for Magnus, then Cat would at least put wards there while Madzie stays with him. Or....... do they want to imply Cat doesn't know that he lost his magic?? Hä?! If so, who the hell patched Alec back up from his neat little life-threatening arrow wound? Cuz I had assumed it was Cat. Since, y'know Jace pleaded with Magnus to help Alec, implying (to me at least) that an iratze alone wouldn't cut it this time. Except of course, if he asked because he didn't want to be bothered with taking out his stele and activating Alec's healing rune, but when Magnus refused because no magic he had no other choice.... and let's be real, the first scene of this episode heavily implies that a healing rune can cure just about anything in 0.3 seconds flat.

Alec wanting to bench Magnus makes no sense. Keeping him around and/or at the Institute makes more sense than, oh I don't know, telling him to stay in his loft where there are no wards. Wtf is logic anyway, right?

I liked this scene, don't get me wrong but... what's with the tough love? Alec isn't usually like that?? He's soft and firm reassurance, not aggressive and authoritative reassurance. Did he try that route before and it didn't work?? I need some answers.

“I had no idea.”

“How could you? You weren't there.”

“Me leaving had nothing to do with Simon. I just needed to be alone.

Okay, what, am I supposed to blame Maia now for needing time for and taking care of herself? She's so defensive as if her leaving was objectively wrong, and it wasn't.

“I guess when times get tough, some people need to be alone. And others need to be around other people.

Please, this is a dirty lie. Remind me again, who was it that pushed Alec away after he found out about her yin fen addiction, insisted she could handle it on her own, ran away and finally confiding in some random stranger she had just met? It wasn't Maia. Who stayed up late all night, disregarding her own emotions and rather tearing herself apart trying to fix the drama of her brothers than to mention to anyone she wasn't alright? Wasn't Maia either.

I feel strongly about this because this seems like a really cheap way to break up Saia and set up Sizzy and I don't like cheap things. I don't like Sizzy either, but my main demand is quality, not a certain content. I'll accept Sizzy if it's done correctly. But this isn't it. This is laying blame on a character who's not to blame, and making claims about another character that are plain untrue if you look at the last three seasons.

I've said it before, there would be good ways to break up Saia. For example their attitude to violence differs greatly from one another. Maia is trigger-happy and sees no harm in it, Simon is more or less pacifistic (at least when he's not having his I-don't-care-about-anything-but-my-gig-mood). Creating a conflict out of this would have been in character. Claiming Maia is somehow to blame because she wasn't there is not only unfair, but also invalidating all Maia has done for Simon before, and that was a lot. Putting up with her shitty ex, helping him search for Lilith, fighting her own pack so they don't bully him. She was about to have a face-off with the Seelie Queen – the very same creature that held her hostage not too long ago – just to be by his side. Is that all suddenly not worth anything anymore, just because she had the audacity to take a little time for herself, to sort through her own issues?

Seriously, he let her walk in that? No wonder she collapsed. Jonathan should have gotten her nice hiking boots.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS

CAN WE JUST.... CAN WE...... APPRECIATE.......... HOW HE BATS ALL HER MAGIC ATTACKS AWAY....... LIKE............ MAGNUS................ H O W

Btw if this is supposed to sway me and make me see that benching Magnus would have been the right call, then it's not working, because fine, let's assume Magnus had gone home. Then Iris would have had an even easier job to snatch him away, because a) no wards and b) no sword. And on top of that Alec wouldn't have had a way of knowing that Magnus was even taken, since I doubt Iris would have let Magnus call or text him.

Do you even know that? I'd like to see what you're willing to do after being tortured for ten years. Just saying. But fine. Stay there on your high horse.

Ohmygod I am stunned. I couldn't have written that summation any better and to be honest I had assumed the show would just blackpaint Jonathan as evil villain and be done with it. This is so much more than I expected. I am impressed. (And of course now I hope that there will be a redemption arc for Jonathan, but I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for heartbreak with this one.)

Do they intend to tell me that this whole place is warmed by the fireplace? Why not by a heater? Since the three billion lamps

imply there's electricity somewhere. Or was that line about firewood just Jonathan's way to exit the scene? Who knows.

“Ollie? Doesn't remember a thing. Praetor was good about getting her and Samantha relocated. New identities. They're safe now, like everyone else.”

I'm still high-key bitter about this. I love Ollie a great deal, okay, so this is a pretty disappointing solution to outsource her from the plot. Just let her forget all the shit so she doesn't have to deal with trauma. Guess she thinks now her mother died in an explosion caused by a gas leakage or something. I wonder what the mundane police has to say about that and how long it'll take them to find her, since, y'know, they have evidence against her and all that.

Edit: This doesn't actually make sense if you think about it. Did Ollie just get dropped into a witness protection program for no reason she can remember? Or does that “new identities” actually mean they have completely new identities because they don't remember ANYTHING from their old life?? I need answers.

I get it. This is supposed to make me see how rundown and wasted Luke is. But is he purposefully trying to make himself look like a confused hobo? I mean couldn't he like, prepare the notes he wanted to show Jace? It's like he's trying to reinforce to Jace he shouldn't listen to a thing Luke says because these are clearly the actions of a desperate man. Presentation is half the battle man, man.

Hah, badass. There's a reason I love him.

I totally dig Magnus in his kiddie clothes, but I also need a lot of answers because there's blood on his hands and bodies at his feet and this doesn't look like magic gone haywire, this looks like a massacre and I need answers. I wonder if they're gonna explain this flash or just let it sit there uncommented. (I hope they address it and I hope it has something to do with Asmodeus and their time together.)

Ugh do I honestly have to reiterate that parking Magnus in his ward-less loft wouldn't have helped? Also, he's a grown-ass man and can make decisions for himself, dammit.

Owning up to his mistakes unrestrainedly. There's a reason I have a soft spot for Raphael.

New York, huh? What a coincidence. Wouldn't want him to live somewhere else and have Maia burn through the other half of her paycheck to pay some warlock to portal them again, right?

Also, not to be controversial, but why don't they ask the Praetor first? Since they had a whole ass book on the mark of cain and everything. And figured out what it is. And getting rid of something so dangerous is basically their job. I mean. Just saying.

You know I always marvel at this. Just because he's old he knows shit? Is there really an age where knowledge pops into your head just because? Because I'm still waiting for that to happen to me, let me tell you. Just like being immortal somehow grants you immediate access to celebrities and the questionable honor to be in the midst of all historical events of the slightest relevance? Srsly if I was immortal I'd still be glued to my lappy and hate going out.

LOL give Iris a front row seat on how you smashed her XD XD XD

IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE

<3 <3 <3

This exchange thing is a ploy, and to be honest, a painfully obvious one. I find it really kinda hard to believe Iris falls for it. What I've been asking myself since this plot line started is, why didn't Iris have that idea herself? Like, I honestly expected her to use Magnus as a hostage and tell Alec he either hand over Madzie or she'll kill Magnus. Makes way more sense than her just trying to find Madzie herself and then what, try to break her out again? That didn't work last time, and since the warlocks are warned by Magnus's abduction it'd be even unlikelier to work now. I get it plot-wise since it'd be a little awkward if Iris out-blackmailed the Shadowhunters, but like. Seriously. What's the in-universe-explanation for this???

I don't know why, but Magnus looks super cute in this shot.

Five bucks say this is Izzy with a shapeshifting rune, and ISTG if this is actually Madzie then I can just shake my head at them.

Okay, I totally dig Lightwood siblings working together but. Why do you have to simultaneously hurt me with plot holes.

1) Where did they get Seelie Magic? Did they employ Meliorn? Srlsy. Also, the Seelie Magic at the beginning of the episode could move so why was Illusion!Madzie standing there like a display dummy? That was super suspicious.

2) Why didn't they use a shapeshifting rune? The illusion would have held longer, Izzy could have gotten closer and tied Iris up more easily, without Magnus getting smashed first. But, drama I guess.

3) Where the f is Catarina? Please. Her ward almost gets kidnapped and all she does is go “Oh shit, gotta relocate her to some other High Warlock lol.” Her best friend gets kidnapped and all she does is go “Oh shit, but whatever, here have a fake ransom note but don't think I'll move my ass from this super important Bitching and Drinking Conference. I payed like 200 bucks to get in.” Wtf. This is shitty ooc behavior from her. Wtf. She's either suuuuuper confident that Alec and Izzy will get Magnus back no problem, or she doesn't give a shit about him, and sorry, I don't believe either of those two options.

HAHAHA I'M SCREAMING LOOOOOL!!! Is this code for “We wanted to kill her but Lilith was quicker so we'll pretend we weren't even interested in killing her in the first place”? The Clave, man. Always good for a laugh.

No, dummy, this is their R&D Department.

I'm not even kidding, remember 2x04:

Oh the good old times.

This was. Really good. Really. I'm like, reeling. I feel like show writers read too many fanfics and therefore the Malec scenes this ep were exquisite. Magnus evasively running around and not liking his “powerlessness.” Alec there to reassure him with the sweetest of words. Their kiss, not to short, but hard and determined, with feeling. Top tier shit.

Wow, even though the words that left their mouths were reassuring and good it still feels like their relationship is suddenly dying. I wonder why that is? Oh, right. Because Sizzy, that's why.

I love.

Ooooh guess the residual electricity finally ran out. And I guess Clary turned all the candles off to match the mood? Also, since it was dark outside before and now isn't anymore.... was Jonathan out collecting firewood the entire night? That's dedication, man.

.......what a coincidence that their healing rune is in the exact same spot. On that note, I've been wondering.... if the ressurection resetted his skin to a state it hasn't been in for ten years, effectively un-charring it, shouldn't his runes have disappeared as well? Did he spend the “days” Clary was sleeping with putting runes all over himself?? On that note, why the hell did Clary have to sleep for days when Jonathan was the one who came back from the dead? All that Clary did was running at Simon in slow motion. I mean, I know what I would find more taxing.

I soooo appreciate the blood on her teeth. Such care for detail <3

Okay, so I realize that this makes Jonathan look like a fanatic, but I actually understand this scene like this: He's not an idiot. He knew Clary wasn't really going to give him a chance. But this, this is his chance, because now she has no choice but to stick with him and see for herself.

Btw if you're wondering why I'm so pro Jonathan, you can read the beginning of this post where I got out all of my Jonathan Feels. Basically, until I actually see him act intrinsically evil I refuse to believe all hope is lost for him. He did terrible things, yes, and he's aware of that, but the way I see it he did them because he wasn't ever presented with an alternate choice. And now that he has one, he's holding onto it tooth and nail. He wants to leave all the pointless violence behind.

I'm aware he's a sadistic psycho in the books, but this wouldn't be the first time the show gave a character a make-over (for the better) and so far the only compelling piece of evidence on the show in favor of Jonathan's demon blood causing him to be unsavably evil was Jocelyn's vision of him killing a flower as a baby, and it's not even clear if that was intentional. So excuse me if that's not enough for me to write him off.

Gif Sources: Malec cheek kiss, Magnus being cutesy with his croc impression, Magnus brandishing his sword *facepalm* you know what I mean, Magnus batting Iris's magic away

[50shadesofmittens]

Completely fucking unfinished but I wanted something from this AU to make it online

<I have decided to call this the Headlockverse. Basically the idea is a group of Custodians used to sneak out of the palace in order to do the kind of work ALL Custodes in cannon have been doing, and Kitten was one of them. Then all bar Kitten died, and after a brief period of being mad and then being lost Kitten took over alltheir jobs. One of these tasks was keeping tabs on various fragments of Magnus who have sentience and were deemed unable to be kept safe in the palace for one reason or another, or who kept escaping the palace. As it happens, these interactions are sometimes unplanned and sometimes have unusual results. The song Headlockby Imogen Heap reflects the relationship Kitten has with the various Magnus-fragments he’s met over the years- with the Crimson King ie the guy on Sortarius being the only one who has not met Kitten over the years>

…/…/…/…/…/…|…\…\…\…\…\…

Millennium 42, unknown restaurant

…/…/…/…/…/…|…\…\…\…\…\…

There is something very pertinent about anticipation.

Some would think that minutes were nothing in the life of an eternal, but there are certain things that can only occur on small time scales. There’s a certain mix of terror, doubt, and a conviction one struggles to maintain, and this mixture can only be experienced in the handful of minutes that it lasts. Time seems to stretch out and the feeling weighs on a person even once the wait is over, but mere days later that terror is forgotten. People remember the way they botched their audition or stumbled during their interview, but no longer can they remember why.

I spotted her on the catwalk wearing a nice dress and a headscarf. Even her satchel looked like something a local woman would keep, and at a distance I wasn’t sure if she’d dressed up the bag she always kept at hand or splurged and got a new one from a local shop. It was certainly fancy enough for her to pass as someone who had access or gifts from my own funds, with my silk jacket and gold-woven cravat.

I flagged her down. She smiled at me and left to maneuver her way over. Ringing a bell summoned the waiter, and I gave the man a brief description of my ‘young lady friend.’ The server smiled and promised they’d send in the right girl.

Sure enough, when the knock came and the door opened, she was right behind the waiter. Before we were even alone she leapt onto the plush sofa to embrace me.

“Oh my darling, it’s been so long! Oh, we have so much to talk about, so much to do! Mwah!” She cried with all the drama of a rapturous preacher as she planted a kiss on my cheek.

The waiter bowed swiftly and closed the door, leaving the two occupants alone for our ‘reunion.’ She remained enthusiastic in her hugging, and so I told her;

“You know jumping on me disturbs the displacer field. The waiter might’ve noticed.”

“But he didn’t.” A snicker echoed through the small dining room, and she pulled back with a shit-eating grin. “A man like that knows full well to look the other way as soon as a young, pretty thing moves in to greet her host. You wouldn’t have picked this place without checking every security detail and privacy guarantee. You always read the fine print.”

“It’s still an unnecessary risk you created.”

“I know, darling.” She kissed me again, still leaning on my arm. “But if you’re going to go through all the trouble of setting me up as your quote-unquote mistress, it’s only polite that I give them a show. To respect the effort you’ve put in, I mean.”

“Ana-” I said, trying and failing to be annoyed by her antics.

“&#131;&#131;&#131;&#131;.” Ana said, finally leaning back and doing her best impression of my “Ana-be-serious” face. “Is there something I’ve done wrong?”

I didn’t answer, knowing this game all too well. “Is the planet about to be exterminatus’d? Is my better half about to find me?” Ana continued, “Is one of my brothers about to jump out from behind that curtain and drag me, kicking and screaming, all the way home so he can cut off my head in front of billions of onlookers?”

“No. None of those things are about to happen.”

“Then you can stop looking so dour and glum.” Ana flicked my nose, before settling a bit farther away on the couch. “Now, I’m sure you’ve got some terrible news about Angelos or Cadia or something, but it’s been too long and I want to mooch off your funding. Let’s get lunch first and catch up on the non-apocalyptic news- however scarce it may be these days- and then you can fill me in on who’s killing who.”

“Ana-” I sighed. “please keep it at a reasonable amount.”

“Perks of being my parole officer; every lunch meeting is a feast.”

“You know we’re supposed to be mortals.”

Ana grinned. “Ah, but what rich young man takes his mistress out and doesn’t spoil her with more than she needs?”

“They might notice when we order seven pounds of food and they get back empty plates.”

“So we order fourteen pounds and eat seven. It’s fiiine. You worry too much.” She grinned. “Besides. It really has been too long. You still seeing that one girl?”

She grimaced. “Urk, never mind. Y’know breaking the furniture like that is just as unusual as my appetite, right?”

I unclenched my hand from the edge of the table. Ana was right, there were handprint-shaped indents in the iron surface. Handprints that reflected the true size of my hands.

I pressed my elbow into the table, rolling it back and forth to conceal the pattern in a smoother dent. “I’m fine.” I said. “I’ve been studying lately, so there’s not much to report.”

“If you say so.” Ana said. “Alright then, I know what I want to order. Let’s get some food, and then I can tell you what I’ve been up to.”

“You haven’t even looked at the menu.”

“I got a glance of one open on a table I passed on my way to you.” With that she leaned over me and pulled the bell-string.

I didn’t pay much attention while Ana ordered. When the waiter turned to me I pasted on a smile and said, “I trust she’s got enough food for us to share.”

“I see, sir. Are you happy with Miss V’neer’s customizations?”

“Missus, actually. And it’s pronounced ‘veh-near,’ not ‘van-ear.’” Ana said.

“Apologies, Madame.” I was a little impressed the waiter didn’t even flinch, even though Ana’s clothes were nowhere near expensive enough for her to pass as my wife.

“I trust her taste.” I said.

The waiter left with a bow, and Ana turned back to me. “You feeling a little better?”

I opened my fists. Only a little bit of blood, and most of it dried by now. “Well enough.” I said.

“Remind me to never bang you.”

“Remind me to never get insensate around you.”

“HA!” Ana laughed. “Wouldn’t stop me from robbing you blind, kitty-cat. I don’t need to pick your pocket, all I gotta do is get you to buy me lunch.”

“So true.” I said. “Pity. I can only flinch so much before it starts gets noticed.”

“Bull. You’re the only one there who pays attention. Everyone else lives in their own little bubbles of their obsessions and duties.”

“The Ecclisiarchy is surprisingly rational, these days.” I said. “The ones who make it to the palace are all true believers, at least.”

“I sincerely doubt your perception isn’t skewed by all the madness in that place.” Ana sighed. “Well, the preachers are less crazy than the Inquisition, I’ll give you that.”

Our food arrived. I looked out the window as Ana cooed over the food and asked questions to the waiter. All the people in the city, each with their own lives and dreams and fears and aspirations. How pitifully beautiful.

Finally the waiter left, and Ana dug in. I’m not sure which of us was giving the other space, but I felt indebted to her all the same.

“That isn’t a promise.” Ana said, eyes glued to the reflection in her cup. “For all you know He just wants to kill me.”

“Nonetheless, there’s a good chance I’ll be hosting you. Ana. I need to know more about what I’m getting into. I need to know how much danger we’re going to be in.”

“Do I still confuse you?” She smirked. “It’s not that hard. I in the whole sense am a fractured being. Just because I in the personal sense have multiple aspects to myself doesn’t mean I’m any less than a fragment of a human.”

“Yet you still show traits outside of your base drives.”

“Mm.” She took another sip. “Humans weren’t made to be two-dimensional caricatures. If I have a thought that would better suit a me who isn’t me personally, then I simply won’t think that thought. It’ll be thought by that me.

”Kleptomania, Anima, self-analysis, insufferable love of gene-dad-jokes, love of the Sapphic-” She grinned, “obviously, and a few others- all those are mine and mine alone.”

“But how does it work.”

“Well, occasionally I start thinking very, very hard about two or more beautiful women and/or daemonettes flicking each other, so presumably the rest of me has no appreciation for yuri and the associated genres.”

“So it works like intrusive thoughts? If, say, you got into a barfight ‘cause you stole some bloke’s purse and banged his wife, and he said something dumb and you reallywanted to punch him, that desire to punch a man would go to the Crimson King?”

“You’re focusing very hard on this ‘guest’ thing.” Ana pouted. “I mean, what red-blooded pansexual doesn’tget distracted by the thought of two birds getting it on?”

“A) one who also has a healthy dose of self-control and self-restraint, and B) has that everworked on me?”

“Point. But seriously, you’re unusually on edge. Usually that would get you to crack a smile-”

“I’ve got an unstoppable daemon primarch about to arrive in the holiest place in the galaxy.”

“You need to calm down, Amon. You’re too wound up, you’re not thinking clearly-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Xanalyse. Damn fuckin right I’m tense, I’m about to be the only person standing between the Emperor and oblivion!And I’m all alone because everyone under my command either hates my guts or doesn’t listen to a word I say, and you won’t help me redeem yourself!” He stood, throwing his hands up in exasperation. They got caught under the edge of the table and overcame the strength of the bolts securing it to the floor, flipping the entire table over and spilling food across the room.

They both stared, neither one having expected such a reaction. For a moment the room was quiet but for Amon’s heavy breathing. Ana waited until his breath evened out, or he started up again. He did not.

“… It’s flattering that you think I could destroy Father.” She said, bitter smile on her face. “And… you’re right. I haven’t been very helpful. Maybe it’s time I learned to live with myself.”

“Ana…”

“Delusion. Self-hatred. Wrath. Whoever else you haven’t told me about.” “They may be me, yet I still fear them. And can you blame me? Delusion so powerful it bends reality itself and destroyed all rationality is insanity. If I am wrong, then I must be mad to fear being swallowed up in it.”

“Ana I didn’t-”

She continued. “Self-hatred so strong it lashes out into the warp, psyker powers no longer at the beck and call of the psyker but instead summoning daemons and incurring hatred. Self-fladgillation so extreme it destroys everything and everyone around the poor boy.”

“I didn’t mean to-”

“Wrath so powerful that the desire to destroy becomes the only known goal of the man. That pursuit of revenge becomes an obsession, stripping away all other goals. To the point that he’d rather be a slave to an uncaring god than let ancient war crimes be forgiven.”

She shook her head. “I must be the stupidest bitch in the galaxy if I’m not desperate to feel that! Tell me, Amon, have you faced down all the ugliest parts of your own heart?”

“…I’m sorry.” Amon said. “That was insensitive of me.” He sighed, and flopped down to the couch.

“…I know that there’s no avoiding myself forever.” She whispered. “But at the same time, I know I’m not strong enough to overcome myself. In the end, it’ll be Reveul’s partner and the King. Billy and me, we’re good as gone.”

She looked Amon head-on. “It’s a bitter loop of growth and despair. I go out, face some unimaginable horror, and I survive because I’m me. I stay unchanged, because either I turn my trauma into rage at the monster, or I lie to myself about how much danger I was in. Except I can’t think those thoughts, and they go to another me. Then that me gets a little stronger, ‘cause there’s more of me personally contributing to his identity.

“You want to know how to fight the King? Then know this; we’re still connected to each other. Every time I meet someone so monstrous I want to destroy that person completely, he feels it for me. And every time he wants to nick someone’s shit, I feel it for him. I am still one person, even if different parts of me control different aspects. If I start changing, if I become a more aggressive person, then that part of me gets stronger.

“That’s why I can give a damn about my sons. That part of me died ten thousand years ago, but that just means any thoughts about them aren’t limited to just one of me. I rebuilt that part of myself from the ground up over these millennia. I’ve changed, and…

“I don’t know how much of me is someone I want to be. If insanity overpowers honor, rage overpowers curiosity, and guilt overpowers innocence I just… I don’t know if I’m someone I can love anymore.”

Amon didn’t know what to say. Perhaps there was nothing to say. Nothing that would make the galaxy they lived in any less of the shit-storm it was.

“I have honor, but not personally.”

[shtbgs-blog]

hello it’s me tea being a bad admin and not writing the first event. Instead i’m doing this and i’d make a pretty graphic but i hate my big computer right now so a nice graphic might come later bye, this also got insanely long and if you guys actually read it k u d o s

INTRODUCING…. me.

HELLO DREAMS N QUEENS, I feel like I haven’t said that in a while but anyway I’m tea, i’m 23, my pronouns are she/her, and I already forgot what else I’m suppose to write here like i’m in the est timezone but i act like i’m in the pst for some reason????? also I do not personally have any triggers and I have no limits on what i rp like I’m always down for literally any plot even if it’s been done to death it hasn’t been done by my character so lets go.

INTRODUCING…. the muses.

ugh are you ready for the shit show..... im gonna shoot myself in the face i have so many

DON O’CALLAHAN, justin chatwin, ( 30 ) + ALONE by HALSEY feat. BIG SEAN & STEFFLON DON.

IMOGEN WARD, madelaine petsch, ( 22 ) + REPERCUSSIONS by BEA MILLER.

JAMES WILLIAMS, milo ventimiglia, ( 35 ) + iROBOT by JON BELLION.

MILO SHEPARD, nick jonas, ( 24 ) + ALL THE KIDS ARE DEPRESSED by JEREMY ZUCKER.

OPHELIA MONROE, billie lourd, ( 25 ) + THUNDER by IMAGINE DRAGONS.

SHANE FRANCIS, carlson young, ( 22 ) + BETTER DAYS by HEDLEY.

WESLEY LLOYD, aaron taylor johnson, ( 25 ) + I’M NOT FAMOUS by AJR.

NIRVANA BAILEY, meaghan rath, ( 32 ) + TROUBLE by HALSEY.

ETHAN MCDONALD, dylan o’brien, ( 24 ) + I FALL APART by POST MALONE ( cover ).

VANCE MICHAELS, cody christian, ( 20 ) + I MEAN IT by G-EAZY.

BRUCE DENIRO, boyd holbrook, ( 35 ) + SUCKER FOR PAIN by LIL WAYNE, WIZ KHALIFA & IMAGINE DRAGONS W/ TY DOLLA $IGN FT X AMBASSADORS.

COOPER JORDAN, charlie puth, ( 24 ) + ME MYSELF & I by G-EAZY FEAT. BEBE REXHA

MICKEY DONOVAN, tony oller, ( 24 ) + SOBER UP by AJR.

JESSICA MILANO, mila kunis, ( 35 ) + SO WHAT by P!NK.

TANSY MALAI, brenda song, ( 30 ) + DON'T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME by PANIC! AT THE DISCO.

INTRODUCING…. wanted plots.

Okay I am obsessed with platonic / supporting friends ships like? oh my fucking god? give me a good gang and I will legit die? especially if it’s like a brot3 or something like three solid amazing friends and like the more people connected the better im OBSESSED with name dropping. 

Also I’m a bitch for cheating / toxic relationships. Give me physical fights and sleeping with other people. Give Me Fucking Angst. Let my muse be the cheater or let my muse be the one cheated on listen I’m down for legit all of it but when I do the specific muse posts I’ll sort of narrow this down a lot more but these are my two favorite kinds of ships which can technically go below but fight me.

INTRODUCING…. the favorites.

I will say this until I’m blue in the face, I am disgustingly straight for ( 4 ) men in this world. Okay there are a lot more than just four but I do have a top four because I’m a basic bitch but I love ansel elgort, taron egerton, danny jones & hugh grant. those are my main boys but if I made a legit list it’d probably go on for years. honorable mention who is my solid #5 is definitely keith powers. I am OBSESSED with this mans.

Want to talk about how gay I am? WOULD LOVE TO. I am a complete ( slut ) for vanessa morgan, kehlani, zendaya, zoe kravitz, ashley tisdae, lucy hale, lynn gunn, hayley kiyoko, nicole byer, bae suzy, keke palmer and ulrikke falch bitch MURDER ME.

as for ships like i’m down for anything m/f m/m f/f like I do lean mostly towards m/f and i do often prefer playing the male which is another favorite of mine like this rpg is the most i’ve ever played females and it’s legit so fucking weird to me??? i get so nervous talking about ships and stuff when it comes to my females because it’s so far out of my domain / comfort zone so murder me violently.

I tend to lean more toward platonic / supportive / family ships tho because I feel like I’m not stepping on anyones toES LMFAO OKAY I SHOULD STOP RAMBLING NOW BECAUSE IM EXTRA AS HELL

but also my favorite sweatshirt is the one i’m wearing and it says ‘i’m like 104% tired’ and my favorite pants are black boho pants with white swirls and just big and comfy ok

INTRODUCING…. future plans.

I AM HERE TO BREAK THE FUCK OUT OF MY COMFORTZONE I HATE IT IN HERE LIKE I am so used to playing dom!male characters and like don’t get me wrong, i fucking love my boys, i love them so god damn much but I want to have some girls who get love too like I want to play sub!boys and soft!girls and hard!girls and GIRLS! IN! GENERAL! like i sound so fucking basic but when I tell you guys it’s been about 10 years since I actually dedicated time to fleshing out a female character I mean it’s been about 11.

Also I really want to play out some slowburn relationships, some active marriages, some really fucked up exes and really confusing best friends like those are my favorites but I always get so fucking busy or so spacey that I wind up going missing for long periods of time and like? I’m here to stay? Like I feel comfy as fuck in this rpg and I am here to actively get past one or two threads for my connections / ships I’m here for longlasting relationships / rping okay????

AS FOR THE FUTURE, I do have two muses who are sitting in the submit waiting to be accepted? Like which is wild because while they’ve been sat there I’ve accepted myself twice? I don’t know why I’m holding off I guess I just feel guilty bringing in two girls without any sort of connection or anything???? Like I can not wait to bring Lennon up in here because my lil blue haired queen is going to burn this motherfucker down :’)

INTRODUCING…. why i said fuck it.

I SAID FUCK IT because do we wanna be honest? I had been running a rpg that was just draining the life out of me I felt like I was being a bad admin and not doing enough and I just wanted a group where I didn’t have to do so much y’know like, I wanted to just rp in a place where I could do whatever in the living fuck I wanted?? Like I wanted 50 muses, I want to sometimes just make graphics, I want to sometimes just chitchat ooc in private messages or just lurk the dash or just write starters / reply to them like

some days i’m here as fuck for writing and sometimes i’m not and I felt like no matter what rpg I ran or joined I’d be like put on a specific schedule and people will leave me in the dust???? you know????? but I feel like here we’re all just sort of chillin and tryin to live our best lives and I feel like this is my own personal and selfish safe haven like

i’m selfish as fuck and lazy as fuck and here as fuck for all of you :’)

[chaos-weekly]

just some closure

Her days in New York City were coming to an end. This sucked for two reasons: one, Nollie was starting to love NYC, and two, she was soon going to be back in Los Angeles with an ex she still thought about regularly.

It had been three months since she’d ended things with London, completely blindsiding him and shattering both of their hearts in the process. She loved him, and she still did, but it was impossible to ignore the fact that their relationship had been founded on a lie that Nollie couldn’t overlook. He’d started their relationship to break her dry spell, and once he’d broken it, he couldn’t seem to get enough. The more she thought about it and processed it through with her therapist, Nollie could see a lot of her old self in him: two insecure individuals who found their meaning and value in relationships through sex. 

Even though their relationship had been built on dishonesty, Nollie didn’t hate London. How could she? He was just as broken as she was, and she wouldn’t and couldn’t fault him for that. He’d done a terrible thing, but that didn’t make him a terrible person. Besides, London had been the one to break Nollie’s negative relationship with intimacy. He’d shown her that sex wasn’t a tabboo thing and that she was able to do whatever she wanted with her body with whomever she wanted to do it with. There was so much freedom in that.

Coming to NYC after their breakup was exactly what she needed. She was starting to feel like herself, and not the version of herself she was with London or before London or really any other time. For the first time in her life, Magnolia was Magnolia. She had never felt better. She was funny and kind and outgoing, she made friends easily, and she loved big. She was spontaneous, she enjoyed trying new foods, she would never turn down a good time. She liked flirting with guys and dancing with them, and she didn’t mind the occasional one night stand. Nollie hadn’t felt this good ever. 

She had also reconnected with Langston in New York. Part of her hand always felt like he was the one who got away, even if they’d gone their separate ways for a good reason. They had gone on a few dates, kissed, had sex. And even though those had been good times, the spark that they’d previously had wasn’t there. They resigned themselves to just being friends, and Nollie was fine with it. 

This weekend, a bunch of her friends from LA were flying in to celebrate Langston’s birthday. Nollie knew this meant she would have to see London, but she didn’t harbor any ill-will towards him. She hoped that their breakup had allowed him to grow into the person she’d always seen him as. Even if it would be awkward to be face-to-face with a man she still cared deeply for, that was life, and Nollie was learning to embrace every minute of it.

///

Their little group of LA friends decided to get a limo to pick every person up from their apartment or hotel and drive them to the club where they were celebrating Langston’s birthday. Nollie lived in the same apartment complex as him, so the pair was picked up last and together. She could hear the music blaring from inside the limo as soon as it was in sight, and when the doors flung open, loud screams escorted them inside the vehicle. She and Langston took the last two available seats, squished between the door and Esther and Bishop and across from Xander and a slightly pregnant Imogen. Didi was squeezed in next to Xander, and JJ was manspreading in the back seat with London. 

“Fancy seeing you all here,” Bishop teased, earning a grin from the limo’s newest arrivals. “I’ve missed you two so much.”

“Bish, you were just here two weeks ago,” Langston said. Bishop and Esther had been making rather frequent visits to New York City to visit museums and meet with artists and collectors. The MAP had really taken off since Bishop’s exhibit, and now they were both in high demand. 

“Does that mean I can’t miss two of my best friends?” he whined, giving a fake pout. “Two weeks is too long.”

“But Nollie’s going to be back in LA soon,” Didi offered up, maybe a little too anxiously. “Right, Nollie?”

The girl laughed nervously, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I’m not sure,” she admitted cautiously, immediately receiving playful boos from (mostly) everyone in the limo. “Hey! I really love it here. And the agency offered me a permanent contract. I’ve still got a week to make up my mind.”

“Just a week?” Didi whined, taking over Bishop’s role as the resident Drama Queen. “That’s not long enough at all.”

“That’s so exciting, Nollie,” Esther said encouragingly. “I know that you’ll be amazing wherever you go.”

Nollie smiled, eyes flickering over everyone in the vehicle and resting gently on London.

“I’m still thinking about it.”

///

There were five people passed out in Nollie’s apartment, and she, lucky number six, was still wide awake at the prime time of four thirty in the morning. Save Imogen and Xander, who left at a decent time because they were responsible adults and almost parents now, the entire LA crew had come back to crash at her place instead of finding their way to their hotel rooms. She didn’t mind, but she wished she was at least able to sleep.

London was in what seemed to be the most uncomfortable position ever in an oversized armchair. He had no blanket, kept shifting around, and he seemed to be muttering something in his sleep. Earlier in the evening, both tipsy at the club, they’d shared a dance, his hands grabbing her hips in a way that made her think back to the time they’d made out in the spare room at Xander’s party. He’d buried his face in the crook of her neck, she’d pressed her body against his, and they’d moved in a way that could have convinced a drunker Nollie that it would be worth it to go home with him. 

It had been three months, she’d slept with numerous men, but her body still ached for London.

And she was finding that her heart did, too. He was confident instead of cocky, bold instead of brazen. It was now obvious that he cared about others and listened to what they had to say. He’d grown from an overgrown frat boy into a man. 

Maybe their breakup had been good for him after all.

He stirred in his sleep, and Nollie made her way over quietly, placing a hand on his shoulder to wake him up.

“Hey,” she said softly, waiting patiently for his eyes to open. “Let’s move you somewhere more comfy, okay?” He nodded groggily, pushing himself to his feet and following Nollie into her bedroom. She’d previously declared the space off limits, but she could make exceptions at her own discretion. Without even questioning it, he crawled under her covers. She sat on the edge of the bed beside him, brushing pizza crumbs off of his forehead (how did they get there?). 

“I feel like sh-t,” he muttered, looking at her with half-awake eyes. 

“You had a lot to drink, London.”

“About us, Nols,” he replied, pushing himself into a sitting position, likely against his better judgement. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. You were right about everything.” She was silent. Nollie had to look away from him. She just couldn’t handle seeing his face. 

“You made me a better man when we were together, but for some reason, I think you ending it has made me better still. When we first broke up, I blamed you, I won’t lie. I was angry with you and with myself, and I couldn’t understand why you had to go and end something so good. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what we had wasn’t good, because it’s impossible to be good if there’s dishonesty and miscommunication. I wasn’t open and honest with you, and I have no one to blame but myself for things ending.” London sighed. “Please look at me, Nols. Please just look at me.”

And she did, her eyes watering and her teeth biting the inside of her cheek to keep the tears from spilling over.

“I’m sorry, Magnolia. And I want you to know that even though you probably hate me and will never forgive me-- and that’s okay-- but… I still love you. I always will.”

“I don’t hate you,” she replied softly, a tiny tear trickling down her cheek. She brushed it off quickly, sucking in a deep breath. “And I’ve already forgiven you. Months ago.” It looked like a huge weight had been lifted off of London’s chest.

“Thank you. I don’t deserve that.”

“That isn’t true, London. You are not a horrible person. All I’ve been able to think about these past few months, at least in terms of our relationship, is that I want you to see yourself the way I see you. You’ve always seen yourself as a bad guy, and you’re not. You are kind, you genuinely care about people. You’re confident and strong-willed and determined. You want to give others everything. You are a great man, London.”

He was crying now. It was the second time she’d ever seen him cry. Nollie reached a hand up to brush the tears away, her palm cupping his cheek and her thumb stroking it softly.

“I love you,” he whispered again.

“I love you, too,” she replied just as quietly. “But things can’t be the same. You know that as well as I do.”

“They can’t be,” he agreed. “But they won’t be. We’re two new people. We’re starting over, starting fresh.”

“I’m staying in New York, London.”

“And my business needs to expand. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

They stared at each other for a few moments before she pulled his lips to hers in a sweet kiss. She couldn’t believe this was actually happening. What she’d thought was impossible was actually becoming a reality. 

“I’ll be back in a month for you,” he murmured against her lips. “And I’m never letting you go again.”

“Please hurry back,” she replied. “Because as soon as you’re back in New York, I’m going to need you to f-cking rail me.”

[shemakesmusic-uk]

This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to shemakesmusic@hotmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you!

Zoe Blaire

Zoe Blaire is a singer-songwriter, model and teen boss. The triple-threat just released her debut single ‘Days Like These’ produced by a Grammy Award Winner and inspired by the pandemic and the new darkness that it created: Love, loss, loneliness, depression and self-image. Besides her new music launch, the 14-year old has been busy shooting national commercials and running her own beauty line. She is definitely one to watch! Listen to ‘Days Like These’ below.

Joules Rio

Joules Rio is a singer-songwriter based on the beautiful coast of Florida at Cocoa Beach. Her eclectic style has been called "retro music from the future". She creates her unique sound on bass guitar, keyboards, and with a strong but sensual vocal style. Joules Rio’s limitless style is not bound to one genre or category. Each song tells its own story. Some are rocking hard, others are dancing and shimmering. Latest single ‘I Love My Body’, is “a trap/pop/rock hybrid about the joyous human experience!” Listen below.

Joules Rio · I LOVE MY BODY

CHAMIE

Brand new Los Angeles based CHAMIE, the collaboration of husband and wife team Jes Marie and Joe Sobalo Jr, are hot out of the studio with their single, ‘Attitude’. An electropop anthem featuring driving beats, funky synthesizers, and ultra confident female vocals, ‘Attitude’ is a fresh new sound on the dance/pop music scene. CHAMIE is versatile and can shift their vibe from everything from indie pop to tropical reggae with ease and confidence. Electronic beats, fuzz bass, and rhythmic guitars are the bedrock of their music, combining with unique, eclectic synths that provide the ‘ear candy’ CHAMIE is quickly becoming known for. Listen to ‘Attitude’ below.

Stephanie Heitz

Stephanie Heitz is a singer-songwriter from the Midwest US. She released her debut EP, Dark to Light in 2019 after traveling through a very difficult season. She's been consistently releasing singles ever since as an independent artist. Stephanie has an unmistakable R&B style. Her music tells the story of personal life experiences with lyrics that are vulnerable, raw, and relatable. She's been enjoying collaborating with musicians from around the globe, and has plans to release lots of new music in 2021. Stephanie's latest single, ‘Grace’ challenges the listener to ponder a very important question. Her greatest goal with songwriting is to encourage others to know they're not alone in their struggles. Listen below.

Jamythyst

Jamythyst is a new DIY ElectroPop artist. Her music is '90s-inspired pop infused with R&B, Freestyle, and House. She is the sole writer, producer, and performer — spending days and nights creating alone in her basement studio. She has been described as "Paula Abdul meets Nine Inch Nails”. Her new single ‘Melt My Face’ is an ode to '90s dance pop — and that feeling you get when the DJ plays a song that melts your face no matter what kinda mood you're in. Listen below.

Moodbay

Moodbay are an electro-pop duo that likes to explore various sonic landscapes from vintage disco grooves, lo-fi hip-hop textures to moody layers of analogue synth. They are vocalist-songwriter Anna Stephens and producer-songwriter Alfie Cattell. Latest single ‘Psycho’ is “a tug of war between two people,”explain the duo. “It's a love-hate situation, and each feels misunderstood by the other. The theme of good and evil is apparent throughout. Yet though actions are irreversible, there's always hope for change. Someone can turn those actions around by becoming a better version of themselves. And the last thing they want is to be called 'crazy' because that would be discouraging! As the lyric goes: ‘just call me by my name’... “This is a dreamy layered synth-pop track that doesn't mess about and is brimming with emotion. The delicate piano in the verses contrast well with the thick powerful choruses that soar with interweaving vocals and synth lines. The production is warm and full-bodied but never over-bearing. Listen below.

Moodbay · Psycho

Elizabeth Karly

Elizabeth Karly has been writing poetry since she was 15 years old. When she was young she would sing constantly and dream about putting on big concerts with crowds singing back to her. During the pandemic, she finally began to work on music. “I started out with no equipment at all; just my phone and a cheap pair of earbuds,” she says. “It took me months, but I finally completed my first song: ‘Your Party’! It was recorded in the back of my car, still just using a phone and earbuds. She continues: "’Your Party’ It is a fun, indie pop song about pressures felt when confronted by toxic people, and just the lies and secrecy within unhealthy relationships.” Listen below.

Jess McAllister

The music of Exeter-based Jess McAllister spans from free-spirited, nostalgic folk, through to rhythmic, gutsy blues, rock and pop. Switching effortlessly on stage between electric guitar, banjo and piano, she blends her honey-dipped vocals and her craft of songwriting with live performances filled with spontaneity, passion and pure heart. Her new single 'The Bushiest of Beards' is a fun revenge story, stemming from when a man with a beard bullied her for a prolonged period of her life, stripping her of all self esteem. It is a song for anyone who had been made to feel unworthy, and although the anti-bullying nature of the track is deadly serious though, the song uplifts with humour and joy. Listen below.

Jess McAllister · The Bushiest Of Beards - Explicit Version

Gabrielle Ornate

Gabrielle Ornate crafts bohemian pop/rock tracks for the modern world. Ethereal lyrics with an empowered edge meet walls of epic synthesisers, adorned with riffing guitar and bass, in a kaleidoscopic sound world. Think Imogen Heap and Bat For Lashes meet Kate Bush and Joni Mitchell. Gabrielle’s debut single, ‘The March of the Caterpillars’, mastered by John Davis at Metropolis Studios, is a fable about respecting one’s roots; blossoming the connection between worlds. As life continually evolves, like how a caterpillar transitions into a butterfly, one must not forget the genesis of their journey. Listen below.

Gabrielle Ornate · The March of the Caterpillars

Pretty Preachers Club

Pretty Preachers Club are a bedroom-pop-style emerging duo from Glasgow. Their debut EP Going Nowhere Fast was well received. Their second EP Romance and Adolescence is an experimental step up from their previous releases, a compilation of classical, indie pop, folk and 80s synth. The pair have previously stated in a number of interviews that their main influences are indie artists such as Pheobe Bridgers, Beabadoobee, LANY, Pale Waves, The 1975 and Sports Team. ‘Just Tell People How You Feel’ is their new single. Hannah says of the release: “The lyrics in this song are almost a dream-like scenario of ideal love. It’s a reminder to myself to try and not hold your feelings back, cause what’s the point? It’s almost a goal to myself to fully be able to relate to every lyric in this song... not quite there yet.” Listen below.