#literally gonna catapult myself into the sun | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ofcloudsandstars · 4 years

Text

Hey guys so here is my experience from last night lmaoo get ready cause it was unsurprisingly a hot mess full of white people microaggressions and me being alone as the only black person present having to deal with their spiritual charade shenanigans.

It's a bit long but it's a colorful description of the event and the experience taking ayahuasca, a wrap up of my own spiritual and magical journey and also a rant on the caucasity rampant in spirituality lol. A tl;dr is that it's sad that White People have to go across the world to take medicine from other people that have ceremonies revolving around it when.. we literally have our own stuff here that's like.. nearly the same vibe.. But more on that below.

So last night for the lions gate sun lining up with sirius star I was invited last minute to an ayahuasca ceremony in the edge of London kind of by Richmond park. The whole universe really opened up for me to do this Ceremony.

At first I was like I dunno I mean its hosted by wealthy white people right? Admission was £200 and I was like absolutely Not, not for a medicine taken far away from it's land and I dunno how the experience was going to be like, plus it was on a Saturday night until Sunday morning and I work in hospitality and if I couldn't get Tuesdays off to at least work in the garden center growing food and plants how would I get the full weekend off? Plus the ceremony was already full. Well without even ASKING, or really thinking much about it, for once in like.. 2 years working for this company I got the full weekend off?!?! The fuck!!!!! Like I literally had to go to my director to fight my manager to try to get off Tuesdays which are the QUIETEST day of the week for hospitality but I got the full weekend off on like one of the hottest summer weekends in England. My friend co-hosting the ceremony called me to tell me that I wouldn't have to pay full admission and it was all donation to the tribe anyway (like suggested donation) anything I could give would be appreciated but I certainly did not have to pay the full fee. Then I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends in the morning but that all fell through due to unforeseen circumstances. I was thinking the beach trip would make me unable to go to the ceremony but it was just like.. cancelled the morning of lol. Lastly this guy dropped out last second so there was space for me.I was like damn it was like the Universe reshuffled itself for me many times to do this so like sure I will take this opportunity. Plus my friend in this group did work with the tribe in Brazil earlier this year and they are friends with them and do this to raise money so that they can sustain themselves better, like they are building solar panels for electricity, building chicken coups and trying to integrate little bits of modern society (like the electricity and water filtration parts, not like social media and capitalism lmao) into their lives. The last ceremony they did they raised like 2,000 pounds and this got the tribe a lot of food and funds to buy solar panels. So I was like ok this is also a good cause I always would love to help out indigenous people that protect the Earth.

Anyway there was a vibe about the way the Universe just opened itself up for this medicine that reminded me of Mushrooms. Like it's a strange thing but people that take mushrooms medicinally say it as well like it finds you when you need it. Last night I also got a great link to healing mushrooms as well and it was just the time to open myself up to that type of frequency I guess. For a while before it was a challenge to find for years I’ve been living here, but all of a sudden the universe was like: here you go! Anyway I was thrilled to work with this medicine and ground the lessons I've learned getting pinball tossed around the cosmos on DMT at the beginning of 2020 in January.

So yes I got to the edge of London and it was in some beautiful secret entrance building painted with murals of green jungle designs, A LOT of Indian spiritual symbolism everywhere, statues of Ganesha and other bejeweled paintings of Indian gods. It was beautiful but to be frank as much as I find Hinduism beautiful I never related much to it cause it's not my culture. What I mean by 'relate' is that there is this SEVERE obsession in white western cultures looking for spirituality in Hinduism and I never really got it. Like yes it's beautiful like many other nature-based spiritual religions but we are so far removed from the climate and nature of India like why are they so fascinated by it? Then.. there were some red flags...

Ok for starters I was the ONLY NOT-WHITE PERSON there. I think it bothered me more in this moment cause I just got off discussing with an incredible Earthy witch in NYC who changed my life who's trying to do work by providing a nature sanctuary garden for POC how nature is so inaccessible to us and it's gate-kept by wealthy white people. I could elaborate on that more later but this post will be long enough lol. But anyway, why is this medicine not accessible to POC? When it's something not even native to here either? So it's like deliberately not shared with us?

Then there were just some people's vibes like ooooh boy I dunno why but some people just felt cold towards me? Like I guess they were annoyed at me showing up last minute to their ceremony? But my friend was co-hosting it? Like if you trust my friends judgement you should have trusted her in inviting me like I am not some asshole. But they were like.. impatient with me I guess? Like 'oh you didn't bring a waterbottle?? Guess you gotta borrow one of ours.' like BITCH I don't know what to expect man the closest experience I had to this substance was DMT where it knocks you the fuck out of your body and your spirit gets catapulted into the cosmos like I didn't know I gotta bring shit, damn! And then there were some people I felt like I just didn't want to talk to. Like they already had this cold vibe towards me like they didn't think I was relatable cause I wasn't some white cosmic yoga hippie like them (sorry I am a black bog witch like leave me alone) but anyway the way they were talking about the medicine was kind of irking me too like, 'ooh can't wait to clear some stuff I just gotta clear it out you know?' I am like, Becky we gonna be vomiting into buckets like calm down.

AND THEN LASTLY oooh boy so when you do any psychedelic the space really matters right? My friend like.. assigns me this fucking (ooh boy just typing this story and reliving it I am already getting heated lmaooo) |CORNER| spot and what I mean by corner is that it is in the corner of the room but wedged between the fireplace so you are stuck between 3 tight walls and you can't fully lie down or stretch your legs. Everyone across the room could lie down but me. Then there are like vomit buckets and this white girls crystal grid blocking my path if I need to leave to use the toilet or even stretch my legs so already I am having a slight panic moment cause I hate being confined. In general, I tend to like to pick aisle seats on planes and stand on either corners by the door of the elevator cause I fucking hate being confined. So I say something immediately like: ok well can I change spots? I am worried about being blocked. Can I sit there? 'no someone is there.' There? 'no' etc. So I am just like omg I am going to have to deal with it and some people are getting a bit fussy that I am trying to demand better treatment, so I am leaving it. They at least move the pile of vomit buckets out my way lol. But these white women next to me have also taken ALL OF THE NICE fucking pillows to make themselves super comfortable pillow chairs like one for their ass and back against the wall and they were like: oh no you'll need a pillow too! (Cause the ceremony is 12 hours long throughout the night like 9 to 9) and I was like yeah... and they were like: oh no there is no more!! But like CLEARLY all of the nice cushiony things were not evenly distributed across the room and the few people who did not get some nice cushions at least had space to stretch their legs. I didn't really say anything cause obviously these two white women had like pillow thrones happening next to me and this woman literally said with a pouty face: Aww, now I feel bad cause I have two nice pillows! BITCH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!?!?! Fucking christ. See?? SEE IT's shit like THIS that make POC hate that kind of white guilt shenanigans like, oh my god bitch either swallow your guilt in peace or give me a fucking pillow like you are trying to shift the position on to me to pressure you into giving me a pillow which you would either read as demanding or hope that I stay silent and be like: it's ok! so you can enjoy your comfort in peace and be free of your guilt. Like fuck off!!

Then there was this full time astrologer there who has some indigenous feather clip in her hair for some reason. She wanted to say a few things about what was going on with the planets. She was like: I love charting asteroids cause I feel like it's a representation of the divine feminine coming back! (I was going to be like: Me too! But the way she spoke about it was like.. not all of it is feminine? What do you mean?) she was talking about Medusa and eros conjunct in gemini right now and the myth of medusa being smited by aphrodite for being beautiful or whatever and I am thinking like I do not recall this myth cause it was Athena that turned her into the 'monster' to protect her wtf. And wanted to talk about mars retrograde that's not coming up for a while. So anyway I am like: Yeah! I love astrology too! All that you talked about was pretty cool but I also wanted to mention some big changes are coming up with Uranus going into retrograde a week from now!! :) and everyone just like.. disregarded what I said.. Like she was like: oh yeah.. that's just an outer planet.. OK BITCH like I am pretty sure Uranus, a big ass planet that has to do with revolution, freedom and change going retrograde until Autumn is much more noteworthy than some little asteroid who's myth and energy you've completely misinterpreted being conjunct with Eros. (Eros is moving into Cancer really soon too so the conjunction isn't even going to last that long). Plus I wanted to mention that it was nice that we were doing this ceremony on an Aries moon cause it's like the symbolic start of a cycle yet it's a disseminating moon so it's also like starting off a cycle by celebrating the fruits of our success. But no one really wanted to listen to me anymore though that energy did influence my trip.

Anyway there was a part of me that was pretty bummed that my best witch friend that I did DMT with could not have come as well cause there just was no more space. At least we are always on the same vibe with everything and we would have been laughing about the shadiness of it all or excited about what's to come but I felt pretty alone during this ceremony.

So it begins, I got my borrowed waterbottle, the smallest, thinnest and hardest pillow that no one wanted for my ass that hurt more to sit on then the thin yoga mat that was just as thick as a human mousepad and I am like: who knows I may be so out of it I won't notice my space as much. The woman leading this is someone who worked with my friend in the tribe in Brazil. She is Russian and got the feathers in her blonde whispy hair and shit I am like oh boy. She explains what work they were doing and the reason for the fundraiser like the details of what the tribe is building and how they are supporting themselves. Also the tribe that night were also doing an ayahuasca ceremony earlier to sync with us so that they can meet up in the Astral plane which is really beautiful. She also explained how they were surprised at westerners fascination with the medicine. Cause they are like: this is apart of everyday life and there are other healing plants in the amazon too. Like why do westerners have a fascination with this? It is a way to connect with the jungle and cleanse yourself and reset (once again I am making that connection to mushrooms I am like.. the vibe sounds oddly familiar), but they find westerners interest in it weird.

Ok so we start with some ceremonies to open up the space and create this 'fire spiral' altar in the middle of the room. They light the pillar candle and have a tea light for everyone in the room. We each go around to light our tea light in the spiral with our intention allowed. People go there and declare stuff like: I am free, I am aligned with my path, etc. I think about my intention for this trip and how it feels like another pillar of understanding in my journey to connect with my heart energy, love myself and be proud of my accomplishments cause I really came a long way. I was a bit afraid it was going to be another chaotic DMT experience but I just reminded myself that no matter how bad I felt everything was going to be ok cause I have people in this world that care about me. Even if I disappear somewhere or end up dead someone will come looking for me. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid but at one point like 5 years ago I really did not have that. I was alone, lost and suicidal. I know what loneliness can do to people and it's nice all of the friends I pulled together in London who are creative diverse witches that all made great friends with each other as well through me and it's like we created this new found family that cares and supports each other. So I light my candle and say alloud: I am protected by love and reflect that in the things I create. Anyway the ceremony leader is like.. can I say something?? BITCH!!! HOOOOO MY GOD I should I have said NO but I was like, ok, she is the ceremony leader so I am like.. go ahead.. She was like: By saying you are protected by love that's implying you could be attacked.. (Like Why the fuck would you say this?? While I am lighting my candle?? You are putting negative energy towards my intention wtf) I was like no I meant it like.. I am supported by love. She is like: ah yeah that's better say that. She did not want to correct NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE when they were saying 'I am free'? BITCH you could have had the same energy like: that's implying you could be enslaved. Anyway that irritated me into my trip. I took the ayahuasca from her and as I was feeling the effects I was feeling more and more adamant about my intentions.

I was thinking about the times when I was alone, when I was targeted and attacked by this stupid racist social group in college that made me feel unworthy of friendship and it was hard to make new friends until I was 21 cause it was a city college so most people hung out with their highschool friends until they were old enough to go out and drink so the first two years I was fucking lonely and the subject of like a lot of harassment when I did try to socialize in clubs and would run into those people there. It nuked my self esteem. Plus though I did so much finding friends magic it was really difficult finding friends that into the same things I was. Sometimes I felt like I was the only witch, the only person really into nature and magic. After college I did another spell and met this incredible witch that we synched so much (I have def wrote wild adventures with us together but she was also abusive cause at that point I still did not know how to establish my boundaries well) but I met other amazing witches in NYC but eventually we all moved. The incredible Earth witch who changed my life was the one who accidentally gave me shrooms that were like grown with love and intention that helped break down my mental barriers and help me take charge of my life and finally move out of my house I grew up in.. like completely out of the country and into England to start my life anew. In England I was successful in making a whole community of loving witch friends who really care about me and add to the ceremonies I host. I joined greenspaces to learn how to grow food and plants. I fucking STRUGGLED in my job getting my food in the door with bartending and slaving my way up until I have a cushy desk office job with healthcare. All in 2 years. I fucking hauled ass and created and manifested the life I always wanted when I was suicidal in NYC thinking that this reality was impossible. And every time I feel anxious I know that since I love and trust in myself that I will always protect myself and even if I was worried I have like a whole SET of magical badass witch friends who would help me at anything and I would do the same for them.

When my roommate was threatening to call the police on me back when lockdown happened (long story) one friend did some healing on her and she like completely came to her senses and apologized the next day which was wild considering that she's such a proud self-absorbed person and would never do that. She realized that she was acting super ugly and was like wow I don't want to be this person. (Also I was so close to cursing the shit out of her lol but we are cool now). Also I am going away to Italy for the first time to be with this gorgeous man who wants to take me around his hometown but I am only going cause another close witch friend just moved to the neighboring town and will check up on me. She made sure to call him without me even asking to look at his itinerary and include herself and her boyfriend in a night of drinks to check up on us lmaoo. She is such an Aries I love her. If anything would happen to me she would make sure I was safe and could stay with her if something went wrong. God I could go on about each friend, how they've helped me with confidence, healing, safety and just feeling loved, valued, accepted and less alone which is powerful in this society that thrives on people not valuing themselves and where pure unconditional love has seemed to have lost it's meaning. One thing I admire about trees so much is how when they grow together their roots intertwine underneath the ground so that they can support each other upright during winds and storms. They also send nutrients to each other and help each other grow. I feel like I made a network of trees with witch friends in London and I am proud of that when I didn't have that years ago when I was alone and actively hated by a group in college. (I mean about the group it was more like a dynamic where a guy who had control over the club wanted to shun me cause he just likes the power dynamic of picking someone to talk shit about like literally if it was not me it was going to be someone else. So one party cause I did have a crush on him, I told him as I was wasted I was into him but then later apologized when sober if he didn't feel the same way. Like it really wasn't a big deal, I was a flirty 19 year old, but it was fuel for him to once again redirect negative attention on someone cause he's someone who's insecure so he likes the power of getting others focus on people and crush them. The "mutual friends" kind of didn't care about what was going on. The reason why this dynamic worked is cause in a way everyone was a bit lonely and didn't value themselves so they were willing to do anything to fit into a toxic social circle to have access to a club room and drink underage on campus to feel included and didn't want to question who the witch hunt of the week was so they could feel like they were in the ‘in crowd’. It was pathetic when one of them would be the new target and they would come to me like: boohoo I know what it feels like. Bitch I do not care and I made new friends and moved on. Fucking cunts. -Another thing about being protected by love is like as a black woman even though I got some privileges being mixed and half European I still was subject to racism and I am still scared of hate crimes fueled by sexism and queerphobia but I have friends who will support me and understand and if anything happened to me people would care. Like yes some people in this world DO have things to fear about getting attacked cause we are not all privileged in society to not fear getting hurt Karen.

Anyway as the ayahuasca was kicking in I started getting a bit emotional cause I was thinking about people in the world that really deserve to be loved in this society that condemns us for loving ourselves which is the most important thing. I was crying thinking about black kids especially black girls trying to survive in this society or LGBT+ kids and how some people can't even have their existences respected. How people mock others for their gender identity but those people are in a constant battle with loving themselves cause I am sure at the end of the day they feel hopeless at times or giving up and have to fucking battle dysphoria and have to survive in a society that actively wants them dead and its really fucking upsetting like hooo them psychadelics were opening my heart and grief while this white woman across the room was doing some downward dog yoga shit into her bucket so she can wretch into it lmaoo..

When it started kicking in, boy omgg I felt SO GOOD but I was like.. This.. THIS (I got so mad when I realized this) THIS IS JUST FUCKING MUSHROOMS LIKE!!!!! !!! ! THIS VIBE IS SERIOUSLY JUST SHROOMS, THE JUNGLE EDITION™ like no wonder the tribes are like: what are white people on about? Cause if they all came with their pashmina scarves, harem pants and grinch-finger dreadlocks to my woodland for mushrooms, especially when there are so many magical plants as well but they are just focusing on this psychedelic when there's also like native medicines in every land I would be a bit confused too. Like we were drinking something that was the equivalent of mushroom tea but it made you vomit it back up eventually. Ohh my god lmaooo.

I felt so beautiful though. Some comparisons if you guys have done mushrooms: where as mushrooms make you feel these gentle pulsations like everything is breathing around you had has this gentle life breathing among everything like it's all connected (like the mycellium under a forest), ayahuasca makes you feel so sensual like everything is kind of just rolling like how the underside of waves look except the waves are large snakes. Like things start getting wavy the way snakes move but slow and sensually, think like the way a bellydancers hips can roll. It was a whole MOOD. Also with mushrooms when you close your eyes you can see these beautiful patterns bloom before your eyes like pastel art nouveau fractal patterns of tree roots, or clusters of bubbles you'd see looking at plant stems vascular bundles under a microscope or the web-like pattern you see in butterfly and dragonfly wings. With ayahuasca when you close your eyes you see like bright neon colored geometric shapes expanding like bismuth crystals, the patterns you see in indigenous textiles like triangles and cubes, sometimes they will lattice together and make beautiful neon snake-skins that gently slither together. If you've ever seen Miyazaki's/Studio Ghibli's castle in the sky it reminds me of that 'lost technology' metal blocks with runes and scriptures on it moving around. Sometimes you will be following this thread of cubes and they'd be moving around like in that scene and in this cavern of blocks you'd see this celestial-looking geometric crystaline being be revealed. It's very beautiful. Though mushrooms can make you purge, it really does not happen often. However with ayahuasca it's almost a guarantee you will vomit it back up.

So people are all wretching everywhere as the ceremony leader is singing some folk songs from the tribe to guide us through our journey. What's cool is that you kind of feel that purge coming towards the peak end of the trip like a kind of brown murky snake rising from the bottom of your body up like kundalini energy starting from the base of your spine bowels past your stomach up until it pokes from your throat opening up that passage way until you feel it in your head and you just release it all out into the bucket. Not really glam but it doesn't taste bad but then again being a bog witch I drink all sorts of murky plant teas so I am used to the flavor palate. (It's like a sweet in an aromatic way and reminds me of one of those chinese medicinal murky teas).

Also as I was realizing the similarities between this and shrooms I was like wow it's a shame that we aren't outside or somewhere with jungle plants at least to connect with that plant energy. Instead we are in this hindu spiritual retreat place but if we just did some shrooms we could have been out in the sunlight at richmond park hugging the massive ancient trees there and feeding the wild deer summer strawberries like instead I am fucking cramped in this corner vomiting into a bucket with this exotic medicine.

As my trip went on I was thinking more about my friends who care about me and support me and how much I loved them and I couldn't stop thinking about my best witch friend that I did DMT with whom I wish was there. Like we would at least have been laughing about this or vomiting together or she would be like: omg this would be such great play-write material. She is white passing but super self aware and would at least make sure that I felt ok and included in all of this. I took a moment to step out of the circle to text her about the details and the woman in the corner doing yoga and vomiting in her downward dog pose and she was cackling and of course since the medicine connects you to that heartspace I was like confessing how much I care about her and how much of a special friend she was to me and was tearing up but one of the ceremony leaders followed me outside and was like: no phones!! It's not good energy!! Omg?? Like sorry I forgot cellphones were the devil's energy, it's not like I am bored and scrolling through social media, I just wanted to connect with my best friend who makes me feel less alone thanks.. Anyway I went back after being scolded and tried to get comfortable in my cramped spot.

Some positive affirmations I did get through all this was that (bringing back the disseminating moon vibe) I was loved and should be really proud of how far I've come. I kept thinking about all the people I love and cared about and how I should express my love in little ways that will make them happy like celebrating love everyday to make sure that people can feel supported cause it was the themes of my DMT trip too but now it was clearer and more grounded. I also got messages that sometimes I tend to be too selfless and there will be a time that I will help others but I should prioritize myself first mostly cause when my cup is full or when I get to positions of power or comfort I can always share that with people I care about. It was a good conclusion to a half years effort cause this also reflected my Glastonbury trip back in November where this witch who read my tarot cards gave me the clearest reading of my life and told me that I would not do well if I did not confront my heart energy and the pain there that was still festering from the social experience at university. So the efforts I went through my friend giving me sound healing and the DMT trip and other stuff has really opened up my heart and helped me to connect with that energy and care about myself more. But there was the theme again of I really need to protect myself first. Sometimes when the white girl next to me was mercilessly wretching and wailing into her bucket I felt so emotional for her that I would fan her but I would get this loud voice in my head like: DID SHE EVEN ASK THAT OF YOU?? FAN YOURSELF IT'S HOT BITCH- SHE OK SHE GOT HER FUCKING PILLOW THRONE WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE HARD GROUND. After purging and trying to get comfortable in my corner I would get increasingly aware of the lack of space and how I was starting to feel claustrophobic and it was starting to fuck with me. Cause yeah I got mental health issues, but it's usually under wraps when I take care of myself like, good sleep, food and water but, I was getting sleep deprived since this was an all night ceremony, I wasn't able to eat food to fast before this, and now I can't even fucking lie down cause I was in a coffin of a corner on the hard ground. My muscles and knee joints were starting to hurt. People were so in the zone just like.. doing arm-trance dance shit or throwing up while the ceremony host was hollering some songs which no one understood the meaning to and I felt at that point it was too late to ask anyone to share their pillows. I was noticing as I was coming down from the sensual jungle slithering plane that I was in muscle and joint pain.

I was like: Ok it's fine, the night would go by quickly.. It was not going by quickly.. I remember once I was sneakily looking at my phone’s clock and it was 4:30AM. I was like ok just gotta get through this time will pass.. The ceremony leader was like intoning some frequency so loudly she was trying to channel some celestial dolphins and whales or some shit but it was so high pitched the crown of my head would be vibrating and at first it feels energizing and cool but since my head hasn't had anyplace comfortable to rest I got a tension migraine from placing it on the floor so I could feel the high pitch note like vibrating the pain in my head. Then she was doing individual healings (I also got skipped somehow in this), she would be like channeling the frequencies for each person and making sure they purged what they need to purge and they would wretch into the bucket some more as she was growling into their backs, the feathers stuck in her blonde hair, quivering as she growled, there was the yoga girl now crying releasing her purge again. Someone was sticking their legs into the air and waving them around cause of energy I guess. I am like ok ok time will pass quickly.. what time is it? *sneakily checks my phone again so I won't get yelled at* 4:32am

OH HELL NO. I am trying to calm myself down but like if you struggle with the mental health imbalance I was in the red zone. Like I have not eaten, my stomach is cleared with vomiting, I cannot sleep, I am CONFINED in this corner, unable to stretch my legs, I am in PAIN, I feel alone.. They go around offering everyone a cup again and I am like: fuck it let me take a second cup..

So I start feeling good again, I feel like a sensual snake like trying to slither across silk. (You know when snakes try to slither across silk but they cannot move across it? It's like that you are just slithering in place) but literally I also feel like a clearer message in my mind almost like the spirit of ayahuasca is communicating with me like: Hun.. babe.. You got your positive affirmations that it's your time to rest and celebrate all you're hard work but you need to remember that you gotta honor and take care of yourself as a part of self love and you being confined in this space is not an act of self love. Especially if you do decide to stay here longer your mood and health will drop so low that it will affect others healings so it's best for everyone if you try to go home early. Like I felt the spirit of that medicine actually encouraging me to leave. Like the fucking ayahuasca itself was like this environment isn’t healthy for you lmaoooo. And I think that's wild.. It's so wild that these white women are all like: We are going to connect with the cosmic dolphin frequencies, and the tribe in the amazon and the human race, but they CAN'T EVEN FUCKING CONNECT TO THE BLACK GIRL IN PAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, like they can't even distribute their nice pillows, they can't even read that I need help. They SKIPPED me with the individual healing. They were so cold towards me. Fuck it! Even my friend's companion dog who was there noticed I was off. She would look at me with concern in her big eyes and apprehension cause she could feel my pain turning into mentally unstable anger. I was like aw man I am killing the dogs vibe right now but damn the dog noticed and even these white women didn't?! Like I dunno if they are that empathetically shut off or if they were deliberately ignoring me. lmao, Also I think maybe cause I vibe so much with plants and genuinely want to reforest some land some day maybe that's why I feel so at home in the ayahuasca high like the medicine was really comforting the second cup but it also was like: you cannot hide within my frequency to escape pain- cause obviously it's NOT a substance for escapism. Anything but. It was like: it's time to go home and take care of yourself. (Like you'd imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown taking this stuff may push you over the edge but it was actually very loving, sensual and re-affirming again.)

So the ceremony leaders notice since it's 5AM that most people are comfortably asleep in their piles of pillows and stretched out legs and they are about to go to bed but I go up to my friend and am like: thank you for everything, I think I should go home now.. And the women leading it were all Surprised and Shocked! 'Oh my goodness?? She's leaving?! Going home? The event isn't over!' Mind you this is by Richmond park and I live in north London by Hampstead heath so yeah it is a mission. I also could not afford the £40 uber so I was willing to take the shady public sunday morning night bus home lmao (oh no she'll expose herself to all that heavy shady energies of public transit! 🙄). But I was like the amount of time the bus would take from me to go home is probably not as long as the way time was inching slowly within that space and me being in pain. So my friend walked me out and I was trying to be as loving and cheerful and grateful cause I honestly did not want to bring down anyone's vibe. She checked up on me as I was getting my things to make sure I had a healing experience. I tried to be a little honest in being like: It was beautiful, it reminded me of mushrooms but like from the jungle.. Honestly the reason why I am leaving is cause I am in physical pain and I don’t think I can stay in the corner any longer; and she was like: yeah well ceremony is never comfortable. HOOOOOO LAWDDD. Oooof.. Omg.. Like.. OOF firstly.. The ceremony leaders each had 3 stacks of like thick pillowy matts to sleep on which ONE Of them could have been given to me and like yeah I am sure ceremony is at least bearable when you have a fucking pillow throne and mattresses and not confined in a coffin of a corner spot unable to move your legs without knocking someone’s vomit bucket over. Jesus. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my shit and left. As soon as I was free on the other side of the gate I felt SO RELIEVED!!

It was so refreshing being outside on sunrise, free to stretch my legs. I could still feel the affect of the medicine as things would pass me by and I'd see like this stream of energy behind them it was really pretty and cool. Since it was London in Liminal Space Hours™, there were foxes everywhere leaving behind streams of soft light as they'd move around the empty streets. The bus was pretty chill other than this fucking creep of a man walking in this dark cloud and when he moved past me his stream of light was literally some ugly fluorescent hostile neon color I was like wow I can literally see your grimy frequency right now lmaoo. But whatever, anything was better than staying silent in that cramped corner to cater to white women's comfort.

Anyway I got home, got plenty of water, took care of myself and crashed on my super comfortable bed. It was a really good decision I made I could not imagine staying until 9 AM like it was not possible and I am grateful I honored myself in leaving early and listening to ayahuasca's reminder to do that as well.

So the conclusions I made:

White people as a modern cultural collective are fucking wild and can sometimes be a lost cause, cause we literally have medicine here that does similar stuff and more like flying ointments which can help you confront your shadow and fly to other planes but they just want to lose themselves in the mysteries of other peoples exotified cultures that still have traditions in tact to celebrate the nature around them cause white people are disconnected completely from the nature that they come from. (Also obviously to clarify I mean white people as the modern white supremacist culture, obviously not everyone individually cause I am friends with a lot of white witches here doing invaluable work connecting people back with the native land, plant medicines and traditions and many of them trying to save the Gaelic language and traditions that are still under threat and being killed off today).

Though ayahuasca can be more of a powerful cleanser than mushrooms, it's essentially the same frequency of plant medicine like the same vibe just connecting you to another land and there is a reason why indigenous people think white people are weird for over glorifying it when we have our own shit. If you are really curious about ayahuasca I mean mushrooms are good enough a job really and will better connect you to the woodlands that you may live in.

Most importantly I kind of understand the type of role I need to play and the path there isn't clear cut but it's important for me to keep spreading that message of love. Right now we live in a dark dank ass time line when the Earth is transiting some dark corner of the cosmos and everything is going through it's own nasty purge while we try to ascend to a new and better reality. However this new and better reality is really indifferent towards the existence of the human race or white supremacy so as the earth ascends and has it’s own purges, if people don't fucking get it together, especially white people, we are going to get taken out as the rest of the world thrives and glows up without us. It's so easy to fall into a spiral of self hate cause this shitty evil society we live in thrives on us not knowing how to honor ourselves and love ourselves. Even capitalism has twisted the idea of loving ourselves into something selfish or synonymous with splurging money to further empower stupid companies to give us quick highs from new purchases that will lose it's meaning and later pollute the earth.

On these trips a message I keep on getting is that love and life are synonymous. It's true and sad that there are many people brought into this world without love but what lets life thrive and what makes life worth living is love. And love is really that energy where we are grateful in our existence and the existence of our friends and those that support us and nature that supports us. But often what helps us understand that love is being able to support ourselves and do stuff that honors ourselves. And yes being loved IS a need, so it's important to seek out friends that validate you and that will love and support you and that you can do the same with them. If you find that network you will feel less alone and when you love yourself you will never feel alone and that in itself is true empowerment. When you have love in your life like that you can do anything and you will always feel safe. And I think that's why I was crying at the beginning of my trip cause I know what it's like to not have that. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and suicidal. We also live in a society that like beats down on kids of color especially black girls and like LGBT kids especially trans kids and it makes me so sad to think that there are people here that don't even realize how valuable they are by just existing. Like their lives don't just matter, they are INVALUABLE and that they need to fight for themselves every day and make the effort to love themselves cause honestly once they push through and really figure out how to love themselves they don't realize that they are literally a beacon of light and hope for others to learn how to love themselves too. Once they get to that place someone else who could be alone and struggling can look to them and be like: wow I do have the right to exist and be valued cause this person found a way to do it themselves even though society shat on them the whole time. And it's important to support your peers in these marginalized groups as well and be allies to those who are not well supported in this society. Like this is such a shitty timeline but people need to realize that they are made of love and that they are valuable and that the future of humanity and our peace and well being depends on their missions to find love for themselves and overcome white supremacy's demon ass structure that is enslaving us all.

Ok that is all. If you have read all of this thank you <3

#personal #lions gate #boy what a night of revelations lol #thank you if you read all of that lol

59 notes · View notes

bigskydreaming · 4 years

Text

Okay, so I looked up the Fast & Furious cast just to see if I’ve worked with anyone else and forgot it cuz that was gonna bug me, but it looks like the only other person I’ve worked with was Jordana Brewster, on an episode of Chuck. Which I do remember now, and she was very nice and all that, I just forgot cuz there was a lot going on that week.

The hotel we were shooting at on location also was booked for an international porn convention that week, apparently, and one of my scenes involved stepping off an elevator with Yvonne when it arrived on a floor that we did NOT have full access to, and so we kept having to stop the elevator on other floors for people going to the porn convention and then wait for it to be all clear again and then reset the elevator and do it all over again, and it was a Very Confusing week.

It didn’t help that Chuck was like, exactly the kind of show where some random shit like that could happen as part of the show, and they were bad enough at communicating on set that we kept being like wait, is this person part of the shot? Are we supposed to be interacting with them or are they just a furry? Does anyone know? Can someone ask the AD, is this furry part of the scene or are they just here for the porn? Help!

.....yeah. So that happened. That happened a lot.

The only other person from F&F I seem to have any shoots in common with was apparently Dwayne Johnson had a role in this romantic comedy from like 2011 called You Again? With Kristen Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver, James Wolk, Victor Garber, etc. It was a fun shoot. Betty White and Cloris Leachman fake feuded the whole time as an extension of their roles and the fact that they’ve literally known each other for fifty years, and like, just to keep the cast & crew entertained. And Cloris Leachman flipped me off. In a fun way though. But yeah, it doesn’t count as working with Johnson though cuz he was never on set when I was there and I literally had no idea he was even in that movie until just now. Never actually watched it myself.

(Which is actually a pretty common thing btw. So many other actors or industry people in Hollywood like.....we never fucking watch anything we’re in, because there’s only so many sixteen hour days you can spend listening to the same words and actions repeat over and over and oooooover again before you’re like, I Simply Refuse To Engage with this content ever ever again. Like, I’ve never actually watched the Social Network, cuz I worked on ONE scene on it, and just as an extra, but freaking Fincher spent THREE DAYS on that one scene and we did so many takes I literally lost count at FIFTY, and by the end of it I was like omg, I have no idea where in that movie this scene falls, but I do know if I have to hear those lines ONE MORE TIME I will catapult myself into the sun. I’ll have to. Its the only option. I have no choice).

5 notes · View notes

fanfoolishness · 4 years

Text

a world for the birds (3/10)

Andy DeMayo took up birding years ago, but his favorite hobby takes on new meaning when shared with his nephew Steven.

A series of looks at Andy and Steven’s growing family relationship.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

***

Chapter 3: hard work

It was a few months before Andy found his way back to Beach City again. He couldn’t say why. Sometimes, it felt good to be back in Delmarva. Other times, it felt like a pair of boots he’d outgrown, a place where ghosts and memories didn’t exactly fit with Gems strolling the countryside and alien buildings rising up above the landscape.

He’d never liked change. It galled him, the older it got, knowing how much it bothered him. How hard it was for him. Like there was something inside him digging his heels in, resisting anything different as hard as it could. It’d always been like that.

But then people like Greg, they could wander off and change their name, their life, everything. Steven was living proof of that. He missed them, and Aunt Deb and her partner, and the other cousins, scattered to the winds, but sometimes, it was still easier to be on his own.

So he spent a few months flying around the Southern Hemisphere, places he’d visited before, places he’d never heard of. He took odd delivery jobs for food and lodging, traded for field guides of local birds, sent the occasional text message to family in the rare occasions he got service. He sent Steven a blurry picture of a marvellous spatuletail (a lifer!), a Peruvian thick-knee, a tiny dot that he swore was a waved albatross. He was gratified when Steven sent him a few amateur photos of northern cardinals and a nice one of a blue grosbeak.

And then there weren’t any messages for a few weeks, and Andy got worried.

***

There was a lot more change than he’d expected.

Gems and humans roamed the boardwalk of Beach City, performing construction on storefronts that looked like they’d been through a hurricane. The grass on the lighthouse hill was patchy and bare in many places like it had been burned. And all along the beach were rocks and patches of sand with filmy pink residue on them, caution tape strung up around them, and Gems working feverishly to clean the areas.

Andy had to argue with one particular Gem before they’d let him pass to the beach house, a towering black and white person with a face that reminded him of the sun. “Sorry, it’s not safe for humans,” she said. “It’s snow joke, it’s seriously toxic.” She winked.

“Uh, right,” he said. “But look, Steven’s my nephew and he lives just around the bend. I’m just in town to visit. What the heck happened here?”

“Uncle Andy!” Steven called, hurrying up to him across the sand, carefully avoiding the roped off pink-stained areas. “Oh, man, I’m so sorry you had to see this. We’re working as hard as we can to clean it up.” He closed the distance and catapulted himself into a hug with Andy.

Andy patted him on the head. Had he grown a little more? He looked different, a black t-shirt today instead of a blue one, shadows under his eyes. “You okay, kid?”

“Thanks, Snowflake,” said Steven. “I’ll keep him safe.”

“You got it,” said Snowflake, leaving them alone. Andy watched the massive Gem walk off, shaking his head. Maybe this was one of the former monster Gems Steven had been talking about. She certainly looked less like a normal hippie than the rest of Steven’s family.

“So what happened? I stopped hearing from you and your dad for a while --”

Steven rubbed the back of his neck, sighing. “Ugh. Everything’s been a mess. Basically it turns out that not everyone agreed the Gem war was over. A Gem my mom hurt came to Earth to try to destroy it. We stopped her, mostly, but she still did a lot of damage.”

“Looks like you and your people are fixing it, though. That’s good, right?” Andy asked uncertainly. He listened for the sound of gulls and terns on the air, but all he heard was the breeze and the waves. He let out a long sigh.

Steven yawned. He really did look exhausted, his hair mussed, his clothes rumpled. “The Gems are taking care of the areas where there’s still detectable bio-poison, but I can’t help with that part. It hurts me, too. But once an area’s clean --” He spotted a patch of bare soil beside them. He licked his hand, then knelt and pressed it to the dirt.

“Uh, Steven --”

The bare soil sprouted over with green and olive moss, shimmering in the sunlight as it grew before his eyes. “Once it’s clean, that’s where I come in,” said Steven, sounding both proud and tired. He straightened up, stretching as he did so. “I’m the only one with healing powers, so, you know, it’s a lot of work. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner,” he said.

Andy crossed his arms, staring at the long stretch of beach, the patchy hillside. “You gotta do all this?”

“Yeah,” said Steven blankly.

“But it wasn’t even your fault.”

“So?”

Andy tried to figure out the words. You’re just a kid probably wouldn’t go over well. He tried a variation. “Don’t you got your own stuff to do? You shouldn’t have to do all this work. Not at your age.”

“But I’m the only one who can fix it,” said Steven, a stubborn note creeping into his voice.

“How many hours a day are you doin’ this? Healing the earth?” Andy asked, trying to sound casual.

“Pretty much as soon as I get up until it gets dark,” said Steven. “There’s so much to do. All the Gems are helping with reconstruction and removing the poison, and I have to do my part, too.”

“Didn’t you say once Gems don’t even sleep?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” asked Steven defensively. “Look, I said I would protect the Earth, and it almost got destroyed on my watch. This is my duty as a Crystal Gem!” He was flushed, his cheeks pink, one hand splayed over the star on his chest.

Andy opened his mouth, then closed it again. Okay, sure, he had to believe him if the kid said he was the only one with this kind of magic, however it all worked. But still. It bugged him how much the kid looked like Greg right now.

Greg, who got more and more quiet during summers at the barn. Greg, who’d been grim and resentful that last summer, constantly fighting with his parents. Greg, who never came back.

There’d been a lot of reasons, he’d learned more recently, that Greg had left them all. This wasn’t exactly the same. But something about Steven’s pinched face and his narrowed eyes made him look so much like his dad, and Andy’s stomach clenched.

“Look, kid, I -- this is all over my head,” said Andy. “Just try to be careful. Okay? You seem worn out. Don’t forget you’re part of the Earth, too.”

Steven’s face relaxed, then creased in a smile. “I know, Uncle Andy. Thanks.” He sighed. “I still have to do a lot of work today. But my dad’s probably free if you want to hang.”

“I’ll go swing by and see if he wants to grab a bite,” said Andy. “Maybe you can join us for dessert or something, huh?”

Steven stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets. “Um, maybe. But the ice cream place has been closed down after… after all this happened.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Don’t worry about me, seriously,” said Steven. “Your next visit, everything’s gonna be back to normal. I promise.” He flashed him another grin, and headed back down the beach, his shoulders hunched.

***

Andy pushed his crab cake around on his plate, watching it crumble and flake. Good chunks of crab in there, only the barest minimum of bread needed to keep it shaped. It was decent stuff. Too bad he was hardly hungry. He took another drink of his beer, a crisp lager.

“So this crazy Gem almost blew up your town? And the Earth?” asked Andy.

Greg took a drink of his own pint, searching for words. “Well, to hear Steven tell it, she wasn’t crazy. Just in a lot of pain. He had a lot of compassion for her. It probably saved his life.”

“Well, hell,” said Andy. “Does this kind of thing happen often? I mean, he really could have died, it sounds like.”

Greg nodded, letting out a long breath. “I got hit with that poison myself. I think it actually killed my arm. Thank goodness for Steven’s healing powers; it’s good as new.” He flexed his fist. “Gem stuff’s dangerous. It always has been.”

“But how does Steven always get mixed up in it? I mean, you and me, we ain’t got any magic powers to protect him with, but what about his Gem family?” Andy asked. “You can’t tell me out of all them alien ladies that none of them can fight.”

Greg chuckled, taking a bite from his stuffed blue crab. “Oh, they can fight. But sometimes they’re just plain outmatched. Rose’s family, the Diamonds, they’re literally over fifty feet tall. Each.”

“You’re shittin’ me.”

“Promise I’m not. One of them picked me up like I was a toy in the palm of her hand, and kidnapped me to a human zoo in space,” said Greg, nonchalantly taking another drink. “Steven and the Gems had to rescue me. Good thing they did, too, since I accidentally started a riot because I wouldn’t say yes to an arranged marriage in the zoo.”

“Greg! What the hell!”

Greg shrugged. “I’ve seen a lot of weird shit, Andy.”

Andy laughed. “Shoot, Greg, that’s what I always liked about you. Always letting stuff roll right off your back. Does anything ever bother you?”

He knew the answer, though. Remembered Greg’s mom and dad, sweet like pie until he saw them chewing out Greg behind the barn, grinding him down with cruel calm words that weren’t even proper yelling. He’d seen how those words stuck to Greg, a corrosive poison all its own.

He remembered it, but didn’t mention it.

Greg answered him. “What can I say? It’s a gift. So what’s been going on with you?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Flyin’ around wherever the wind takes me. Spent some time in South America for a couple months. Chilly this time of year south of the Equator, but that’s okay. I like the winter weather. It’s quiet, except when it’s fierce as hell,” said Andy. “Sometimes I just need time to myself, you know?”

“I know,” said Greg. He smiled, taking another drink. “You were always like that as a kid. We’d be playing some loud crazy game and you’d be off by yourself, grumping about how loud our made-up songs were.”

“Did not,” protested Andy.

“Nah, you did.”

“Well, so what? Nothing wrong with alone time.”

“C’mon, like I can talk,” said Greg. “I’m the one who ran off and changed my name, aren’t I? Guess I really needed some alone time.” He leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m really glad we reconnected, Andy. I just wish I’d looked for you after Steven was born. I tried writing my folks, but…. They never wrote back. I kinda assumed the rest of the family didn’t want anything to do with us, either.”

“Your folks are stuck-up snobs, though,” said Andy, taking a bite of his crab cake, some of his appetite returning. “It always surprised me, how they had a kid like you. Not that you were a bad kid. Just different. My mom and dad never really got on with them, but they always made the effort because they thought maybe you and me could be friends.”

“Heh. Thanks, Andy. I used to wish sometimes I could’ve had your folks for parents instead. They were good people. At least they would have wanted to meet their grandson.” Greg finished his ale, gazing at the waves behind Andy.

“Your folks are missin’ out,” said Andy. “You got a good kid, Greg. Though I worry about him a little.”

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno. I mean, maybe it’s nothing,” said Andy hastily, not wanting to step on any toes. “Like I said, he’s a good kid. He puts up with me and my birds and all. I think he’s even birding on his own sometimes. How neat is that? But I saw him at the beach today and it seems like he’s runnin’ himself ragged.”

“I know,” said Greg, leaning his elbows on the table and resting his chin in his hands. “I’m so proud of him, Andy. Like I said, if it wasn’t for his compassion, I think the Earth would have been toast. He’s so kindhearted. But on the other hand, he works so hard. Harder than I’ve ever worked at anything, except maybe raising him. I know he didn’t have a normal childhood, and I didn’t want him to, but… I do wonder sometimes, how does he do it?”

“How does he?”

“I don’t know,” said Greg, and they fell into a silence, the waves soft and distant in the background.

#steven universe future #suf #andy demayo #uncle andy su #greg universe #steven universe #a world for the birds fic #fanfoolishness' steven universe fic

18 notes · View notes

dat-kawaii-darkoverlord · 4 years

Text

Excited as I am for She-Ra season 5, I just really hope nothing bad happens to my favourite characters. Especially Catra. I have a feeling she's gonna so something reckless in the new season. 😕

I don't care about Shadow Weaver though. That damn villain doesn't deserve redemption after everything she did to Catra and Adora. I would literally catapult myself into the sun if she does get redeemed.

#ughh the last time i was this excited #it was with voltron #and that did not end well...#she ra #klaire bares her mind

11 notes · View notes

sarahjenkins200 · 5 years

Text

How to Chase my Blues Awaaaayyyyy

A new year’s post… only one month and ten days late.

Each year on December 31st I begin my day at the beach. Some years it has included biking over in the wee hours of the morning while others meant a 15 minute drive, but for about 5 years now I have watched the sun rise for the last time of a year at my favorite place in the world.

This December 31st was a big one for me, simply because I was so excited for 2019. Anyone who knows me knows 2018 was my favorite year of my life, but it was also the hardest. Some of the greatest memories of my life were made in 2018… but what I didn’t realize was that they would all have to end eventually. The main characters of my story the first half of 2018 were the ones I had to say goodbye to in the second half; the spots that were my places of refuge in the first were traded for a foreign land in the second. The second half, overall, felt like one big question of, “wait, what am I doing?”… but if you know me, you know I love a challenge.

The majority of my 2018 was spent wrestling with this challenge as I constantly questioned myself, wondering if the step I was taking next was one that would catapult me into my future or if it was one that would make me fall to my demise (everyone thinks like that right?!). I took up the challenge of college but found myself so tired of my own thoughts and analyzations that I either found myself looking back, or desperately seeking what was *far* in the future.

As I sat on the beach on December 31, 2018 I began to finally admit all of this to myself. I finally let myself look forward to this new year of new people and new places, but in doing this, decided on a new approach.

You see, 2019 wasn’t a year of a bike ride to the beach, but rather one in my 2001 Honda Accord (it’s no vibe I know). Subsequently, the car ride was met with music, and by random chance my very favorite song blasted through the speakers, and gave me every ounce of confirmation of what my new approach should be.

Every other year of my life I’ve made the choice of whether to walk or run through the next year of my life- well in 2019 I’ve decided I’m gonna dance (all the love for Whitney). I may lose step and the rhythm may change, but I’m here and ready to bring out allllllllll my moves.

So yes. This was December 31st and it is currently February 10th and I am still dancing. I’ve lost my footing plenty of times already but I’ve finally given myself the grace and the go-ahead to Get. Back. On. My. Feet.

Last weekend in particular I found myself in a whirlwind, one where my feet were moving so quick and it felt like I had no one to hold on to- and I fell. I ended up on the floor (figuratively and literally) with one of my best friends, wondering how, after the promise of magic for this new year, I could end up feeling so disappointed. And then I remembered to keep moving.

It’s in these moments that the magic makes itself so apparent- it’s the spontaneous trip to a canyon in Georgia just so I can see a place that makes me remember just how big & powerful my Creator is and the unintentional attendance of a gospel church that brought me to tears this morning. It’s THESE moments that outstretch their arm, grab hold of me, spin me around and invite me to tango.

It’s these moments that make me fall in love with the journey and prompt me to tell you to as well. Here’s to the dance- I’ll be your partner 😉

2 notes · View notes

writevswrong · 7 years

Text

FANFIC * NESSIAN * PART TWENTY FOUR

Nessian Part Twenty Four by L.J. LaFleur

Cassian:

My shoulders sagged, stretching my new leathers. The old one unfortunately didn’t fit quite right—not to mention that the back was charred to a fucking crisp. The loss of my wings stained my soul, literally parts of me were gone. Parts, I’ve come to realize, that I had relied on too much on.

I didn’t have the power of winnowing and now I no longer had the ability to fly. I felt utterly useless, a feeling that rocked me to my core.

But I would get over this hurtle, like the many before, I would make this twist of fate my bitch.

I hurried to the front door of the townhouse, my heart thudding louder with each step. Seeing her was the best part of my days since I woke up. Even in a coma, she still lifted my spirits—it helped that she wasn’t busting my balls. Surprisingly, I missed that about her.

Sometimes I imagined her waking up with the deadliest glare. Her hair in a mess with those piercing blue eyes and the first thing out of her mouth is, “you self-sacrificial bastard.” But she would break that cold demeanor the moment I kissed her. She’d slap me and it would be worth it.

“Cassian!” The door flung open before I could touch the handle. Elain’s eyes looked past my shoulder, she knew I was in front of her but unsure of where my face was located.

“Is everything alright, Elain?” I asked her gently, raising my elbow and guiding her hand to my arm.

Elain’s sing song voice was as cheery as I had ever heard since she lost her sight, “I need your assistance to the dining table.”

A delay in seeing Nesta but Elain was my sister, a soft spot had grown since I met her. Maybe it was witnessing a new way of looking at the world from her serene point of view or that Az was falling in love with her—denying the whole thing as he plummeted down.

I guided her to the dining room, it was full of the family—all but Nesta.

Before anyone could get out a word, I turned on my heel to charge up the stairs.

“Eris is up there,” Feyre stopped me dead in my tracks. “He needs more time, Cassian.”

I closed my eyes, tilting my jaw to the left. I couldn’t hide my irritation after today—after hours of delivering horrible news to victims of a war I led.

Azriel winnowed beside me, his hand resting on my shoulder, “you need to eat.”

I stared at him, observing the weight in his eyes—the truth of his words. I obliged, sitting between Elain and Feyre. Before the soup touched my lips, my stomach growled, breaking up the heavy silence.

Amren laughed first, the tiny little devil thought that of all things was funny. The other’s joined in, somehow triggering more laughter. Eventually we quieted down, side conversations took place while I focused on the delicious soup.

It was just what I needed. The spices, the smell—it was comforting.

Everyone watched me as I continued to eat, their behavior odd as hell. Not all that unusual but watching me while I eat?? Can they not?

“What is it?” I demanded.

Mor asked calmly, her eyes darting to my bowl, “what do you think?”

I slurped another spoonful, “it’s delicious. Bea has outdone herself.”

“It wasn’t Bea,” Rhysand replied, his watchful eyes resting on me.

I could feel my brows nearly touch as I set the spoon down, staring at the bowl then back up to Rhysand.

He confirmed my unspoken question with a short nod.

Nesta:

I wasn’t sure when they began eating or finished, either way I would hide down here for eternity if I needed to. Staring out the small window, I studied the stars. The glistening of watchers, the keepers of secrets.

A soft thud, followed by the distinct noise of porcelain against wood.

My spine stiffened, the hair on the back of my neck stood straight. Then his scent hit me, overwhelmed me like rainfall in a drought.

“Do you know what this means?” He murmured. His voice caressed me like a bath of honey, ignited me like an undying flame.

Yet why did he sound so…scared? Sad?

Tightening my grip on the edge of the sink, I breathed in, sucking in as much air—strength—to face him. I turned slowly, my eyes shifted to the Illyrian boots he had given me what felt like a lifetime ago.

Nothing could prepare me for seeing him alive, here, in front of me.

“Nesta?”

Tears plummeted towards the floor, burning Bea’s colorful kitchen rug. I studied every inch of him, saving his eyes for last. As I worked my way up, I noticed his wings missing…

Instantly I looked at the copper pools resting above dark circles, ignoring the rest of his body.

The chord between us, the string between souls—I felt it pull. A reminder that it was real, that we shared something more than I could put into words.

His onyx waves were pulled back in his usual bun, drawing more attention to his sharp cheek bones and straight nose. Beneath his features, lie the ember of torment and despair.

Why did he look so broken?

I nodded, my only response that I was capable of. Three feet of space remained between us. Yet neither of us moved. As I beheld his penetrating gaze, I felt it—like a loud snap, like thunder striking a tree in two.

Our scents combining.

Peeling my eyes away from him, I stared at the bowl. It was licked cleaned, even the spoon did not have a trace of its contents. The lump in my throat grew, nearly blocking my airways.

Cassian didn’t look away, he watched every movement I made as if I were a lion in a field of lambs. “Are you sure?” He croaked, the lingering of fear knotted in his throat.

I reached for his calloused hand, it was scarred and warm and real. I watched as an amber seed ignited, coils of fire working its way around our laced hand.

“I love you,” I paused, letting my words sink into his skin. “More than there are stars in the sky, more than there are drops of water in the ocean or grains of sand in every desert. Since the day you provoked me in my home, I knew. I, I just knew…” Clearing my throat, this was the most I think I’ve ever spoken to him, so, I continued, “I don’t know how to do this but I promise you, that you are the worthiest—most infuriating man I’ve ever met. And I, I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

He rounded the counter, moving so quickly I nearly missed it. His lips crushed into mine, needing and wanting—did he doubt I stood before him? That I was just a mirage of bone and flesh?

“I love you, Nesta,” his lips lingered before mine, “my mate,” he whispered.

“Mates,” I replied while leaning into his sculpted body. It was impossible to fight the urge that I had suffocated for so long.

Cassian’s arms wrapped around me, the fire rising between us. “Should we take this to the roof?” he laughed, the scruff of his chin touching mine.

I beamed, leading him up the stairs. He stopped halfway, pulling on my arm. “What is it?” I asked, gooseflesh rushing across my skin as his familiar grin grew brighter.

“So, you were the queen of death?” without so much as a pause he continued his teasing, “that certainly explains a lot.”

I shoved my elbow into his chest, he winced just before his lazy smile appeared. We continued up the stairs, this time he led the way to the second flight of stairs.

The blanket of constellations hidden by the magnificent moonlight; we stood in the middle of the well-lit terrace.

Cassian’s hand squeezed mine before pulling me into his warm chest. I could feel the fire between us rise again, sparks bursting at every point our skin touched.

“This is going to be an adjustment,” his eyes widened as we manipulated the amber tendrils.

“Maybe a little bit but I can teach you how to control it.”

His smile faltered, a reminder of recent events layering on top of him like fallen rocks. “Your lessons with Eris, I presume?” Cassian asked with a sharp look, a held breath.

“Yes.” I raised my brow, lifting my chin, “jealous?”

“Very,” he replied, dipping his head towards mine. The copper flecks glowed with envy.

“Good.”

Cassian’s grin put the moon to shame, he was brighter than the sun.

My face saddened as my hands moved against his back, “what of your wings?”

“I…” his voice cracked, a scowl forming as defeat washed over him, “as you can see and feel, they’re no longer there.”

“Wait…” I lifted to the tips of my toes, pressing my fiery lips into his. We ignited, like sconces of fire—burning like a dried forest. I opened my eyes to peak, to see my hands work alongside his muscular back.

I summoned his flaming wings.

Cassian groaned in pain but then he silenced, his hazel eyes widening as he stepped away from me. He expanded them, flapping and adjusting—new and improved.

“You have wings, you just need to ignite them now.”

His smile radiated, I felt the sun catapult into my chest. “I don’t know if you noticed,” Cassian moved closer, his fire wings encasing us entirely, “but you no longer burn me.”

I hadn’t noticed, not really anyways.

My body took over, inner cravings unleashed. The fire burned our clothes to ash, the wandering winds from the sea lifting them higher in the sky. I pulled myself into him, feeling his strong hands slide down my shoulders, the gentle touch of his calloused fingers squeezing my hips as our lips and tongues sparred.

“Flaming beauty,” Cassian mumbled as his hands pressed into my bare skin. He pulled himself away, just enough to let the passing air enter his nostrils. “Are you sure?” he asked softly, aware of my history and every broken piece of me.

I breathed heavily, backing out of his muscular arms. The fresh air provided clarity—sanity. “Mate,” I nearly sung, the feeling of the word against my tongue felt right. “Fire incarnate, bastard of all men,” I laughed at his exasperated expression.

Cassian’s eyes wandered over my curves and I saw it. As bare as the day he was born, I loosened a breath. “We’re gonna need new clothes if this happens every time we kiss.”

“I’m sure in time we could control…” I purposely didn’t finish my sentence, instead I gave him a once over that was sure to make him melt.

He winked, giving me a lopsided grin, “I’m not a piece of meat, Nesta.”

I burst into laughter, watching as the flames sunk back into our flesh. He stepped towards the table, pulling off the ivory cotton cloth.

Cassian strode forward, wrapping the cold cloth around my bare body.

I didn’t know what to say, how do I convey to him that he is more to me than anything I had once treasured?

His fiery lips touched my cheek, hungrily moving to my ear, “my eternity,” he traced his nose down the rim of my ear. “My flaming beauty,” Cassian pressed his lips to my lobe, pulling away just enough to look me in the eyes, “my mate.”

“In this world and the next,” I promised before meeting his lips, a vow I would never break.

Elain:

“Elain…” Azriel croaked as his pupils expanded; his eyes glistening over with horror. Bloodied lips parted, parallel crimson lines dripped out of the corners of his mouth. The bomb nearly killed him. He was lucky, incredibly fortunate to not be in a worse state than he was.

My stomach whirled at the thought of what damage could have been done. I was still kneeling beside him, feeling my bones scream as I nudged closer. The scarlet-stained hands raised above him didn’t look like mine.

“Be still,” I breathed, unable to speak any louder. Not out of fear of being heard by the guards, but out of fear of losing him. That the sound of my own voice, of it being too loud that would kill him—a silly thing to think. Irrational, at best. However, it was the truth.

The power, the shadows—drained out of me. A waterfall of energy that I didn’t have poured into him. I could feel my head dizzy with exhaustion. I commanded the shadows to pluck the metal bits out of his wings and chest. Obsidian coils prodded and pulled; it sounded like distant rain as the scraps dropped to the stone floor.

Azriel groaned as I dislodged a larger piece of copper. His blood threatened to spew like a fountain but I forced the tendrils of night to plug his wounds. A near-perfect scowl settled on his face; he shut his mouth to breathe in through his nose.

The faebane had been distracting but it hardly affected me. Not in the way it was destroying him. “You’ll live, Azriel.” I reassured him; his eyes closed. “Do you hear me? Az?” I hardened my tone, my voice thickening with panic.

“Wings of ruin,” he struggled to breathe, wet and heavy. He opened his eyes, only to close them again. Azriel was fading, his soul slipping out of my hands.

My brows snapped together as I concentrated. “be still,” I warned. I had to remove the shrapnel, I had to make him safe before transporting him to the medical tent. I had to…

“End, end of sight,” Azriel mumbled, his eyes shot open. Hazel irises studied my trembling hands and uneven breathing. Blazing clarity ignited, his scarred hand covered mine.

Clanking metal charged down the hall; they were coming. I peered down at him, taking in the Shadowsinger’s pale face. I had never seen him so pale.

Something from within, whether it be my own soul or pieces of stardust—I knew. It was there, that warmth of starlight he had planted. How his constant presence awakened me. “This is going to hurt,” I whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I summoned the shadows, silently singing his name.

The guards grew louder, their shouts making my pulse quicken. I couldn’t hold Azriel up, nor would I leave him. Arrows raced towards us; we had no time.

None at all.

Azriel:

“Elain?” I called to her, bringing her back from a nightmare that infiltrated her thoughts. It happened more often than not. I wasn’t sure what triggered it, the cauldron or when she stabbed the King of Hybern in the throat. Either way, the frays of her sanity began to split—a common reaction for survivors of war.

She blinked several times, shooing the pool of tears away with her long lashes. “My apologies,” Elain flashed a radiant smile, the smile I would fight a thousand men to see again and again.

I inclined my head towards her, the beat of heart was frantic and her breath uneven but I wouldn’t push her if she didn’t want to talk about it. She had enough of the family prying at her.

“Az?” she uttered my name, a hollow whisper of spring.

“Hm?” I asked, scanning over her features. The subtle bite of her lower lip drove me mad, I was beginning to wonder if she did it on purpose. Not that she meant it to be cruel.

As she crinkled her nose in distaste, her rosy lips parted, “I never told you thank you.”

I lifted my arm to her floating hand, she was waiting for me. It was the softest touch, the kiss of a shadow as her fingers wrapped around my armored forearm.

“Whatever do you mean?” I asked lowering my voice, stealing a glance around the room. The dining room had cleared out once Cassian scarfed down the remainder of his food.

Finally. It only took five hundred years but my brother was truly happy, he found his mate. An equal in every way.

She laughed softly, her golden-brown curls falling from her bun as she shook her head. “For always being my shadow. Whenever I need you, you’re there.” Elain tipped her head up, her milk and honey colored eyes guessed my location. “Whenever I want you, you’re there,” her cheeks flushed and I felt it then.

The reminder that Elain was not my mate. That she never would be.

Somehow my voice sounded more hoarse than usual, not at all what I was aiming for, “is that not what friends are for?”

Her blush faded, the edges of her lips falling slightly before they recovered to their usual state. Elain’s smile devoured me, “always a gentleman.”

Never the mate…

To save myself, I released a secret, “I try, though on occasion I will say that I have a temper.”

“Oh, really?” Elain giggled—an actual giggle. “I hadn’t noticed shadow-boy,” she covered her mouth, an attempt to stop her laughter.

“Boy? Really?” I asked with raised brows, my eyes scanning the perimeter.

Elain lifted the side of her dress, bunching the fabric into her little fist. “Do you prefer shadow-man?” She countered with great restraint.

“I think Azriel would suit me just fine,” I cracked a smile, unable to contain the joy any longer.

She hesitated, distracted by the light radiating from me. It was as if she could see my smile. “I suppose, but I do enjoy teasing you.”

“Tormenting.”

“Both are fun.” She paused, hearing a distinct noise of pleasure from above. “I’m not sure if that’s Cassian and Nesta or Rhys and Feyre but would you take me to the garden, please? I mean, if you’re not busy that is.”

“Not at all.” I nearly chuckled at the increasing volume of moans, at Elain’s scrunched face.

I don’t think she’s ever been with a man—not that that should be my concern. I definitely shouldn’t be thinking of…that. And her. In the same sentence especially.

We walked through several rows of fragrant blossoms, all the way to the far corner of her garden. It was mostly unfinished in this section; she hadn’t touched it since we returned from the Autumn Court.

Elain halted, her breath hitched as her knees buckled.

“What is it?” I begged, bracing both of my scarred hands on the sides of her face. “Elain?” I called to her; the shadows in her milky irises gained momentum with each circle.

Her soft hands dug into my wrists, nearly shredding my leather cuffs. The uneven breathing returned, her mouth twisted in horror.

“Elain!” I shouted, shaking her slightly. She needed to come back to me, to this realm of light.

The whimpers, the sounds of her muffled cries violently tore into me. She squeezed tighter, clenching her eyes shut as she thrashed against me. I unclasped her death grip, draping my arms around her—she collapsed into my chest.

“No…no…” she cried, her body shaking violently.

I didn’t know what to do—there wasn’t an obvious attack, at least not one that I could physically fight. I had no way of protecting her.

“Fight it,” I murmured into her ear.

Her clammy hands sank into my back in the most unnerving way. I felt myself shudder beneath her touch. We had to get away. Change her environment.

I summoned the shadows, ignoring her pleas for help in a battle that I could not assist in.

And with the release of my breath, we were gone. Winnowing through the shadow world until I felt her body relax against mine.

Elain adjusted her head to peak over my arm, “where are we?” She let out a frustrated sigh when it struck her that she could no longer see.

I didn’t want to let go of her, the intoxicating floral scent enraptured me. I had no choice but to release her from my chest though. It was safe here, it always would be.

“I’ll tell you where, if you tell me what you saw.”

“I thought Ronan took it back. I felt, I felt him rip it out of me.” Elain blotted her tears with the edge of her embroidered sleeve. “You must think I’m insane.”

“I’ve never thought you insane, Elain.”

“Crimson stained flowers.”

“That wasn’t all,” I stated, seeing the sag in her shoulders.

“No, it was not.”

I pressed my lips into a thin line, the creases of my eyes narrowing. “Were these flowers specific?” I asked as nonchalant as I could.

“Roses,” Elain answered without missing a beat. She seemed startled by her quick answer, like she gave way to a larger part of the puzzle than intended.

“Did you see where these roses were located?”

She evaded my question with the grace of a sphinx, “you still haven’t told me where we are.”

“A realm between the living and dead, where only shadows reside.” I raised my elbow, guiding her hand around my arm like I had many times before. “Where only the strongest of flowers grow.”

I walked her around the garden made of shadows, a haven between worlds—where spring and darkness blended into one. I didn’t want to mention that it took me months of planning and planting to make this place what is today. Nor did I want her to know that if I wasn’t by her side or completing a mission—I was hunting down every night blooming flower in Prythian.

Elain’s smile returned, earlier signs of trauma completely wiped away as I guided her fingers towards the delicate white petals. “Moonflowers,” I whispered, unaware of how low I was speaking, how close we became.

“One day,” she pressed her finger ever so gently against the petal, “I’m going to see these moonflowers.” Her face tilted up towards mine, her milky gold eyes unable to meet mine.

For a moment I contemplated brushing my lips against hers, but I couldn’t do it.

Not because she was Lucien’s mate but because in the end, when the string between them grew more unbearable—she would realize I am only a man of secrets and shadows.

Elain Archeron deserved more than that.

She deserved more than a scarred bastard like me.

108 notes · View notes

theavengerfairy · 4 years

Text

One Step Closer - Chapter 2

Previously known as “Gravity”

Rayla's head would've hurt less if it were being split open. Never had she heard such a grating, mind-rattling sound as this one, and it continued to claw and scrape at her head in the form of phantasmic echoes long after the source had finally gone silent. Battling against the painful pulsing that pounded against her skull, she tried to reign in her scattered thoughts and grab her blades, which she had unwittingly dropped, but just as her fumbling hands found their hilts in the grass beside her, a blow from behind sent her tumbling forward onto her stomach.

"Madeleine, run!"

"But-!"

"I said run!"

Flipping onto her back with a grunt, Rayla staggered to her feet and lunged in the direction of her attacker's voice, swinging blindly with her blades and hoping she would get lucky. Although the first swipe missed its mark completely, one of the swords managed to snag on her opponent's cloak the second time around and thus gave away her exact position to the still partially blind elf, who pounced on her without a second of hesitation. Grabbing Rayla's wrists before she could bludgeon her with her weapons, her adversary slipped her legs beneath her opponent as soon as her back hit the ground and catapulted the elf over her head, sending her hurtling towards the creek's edge.

"Callum, a wind rune or a lightning spell would be very helpful right about now!" Rayla snapped when she picked herself back up after landing with a painful thud, being extra careful not to slip on the slick mud of the bank.

Callum gave no answer, and after staring at his still slightly blurry form long enough for her eyes to adjust, she noticed his skin had turned an alabaster-like shade that definitely was not natural for humans.

"Callum!"

"B-Ba-Banshee!"

"What-?"

A strike to sternum cut Rayla off and sent her plunging into the creek with a graceless flail and a mighty splash. The water wasn't very deep but she still managed to inhale a less than healthy amount of it before she had floundered her way back to the surface and latched onto the shore with an Achillean grip, leaving her disoriented and vulnerable as she hacked and wheezed for air. When a shadow passed over her, she squinted to look at the cloaked figure that loomed in front of her, her hood completely obscuring her face except for her scowling mouth.

"You disgust me. Have you no sense of shame or fear?!" she snarled, venom practically dripping in thick droplets from her lips. Crouching down in the grass and mud, she gripped Rayla's chin tightly in one hand while the other scrubbed harshly at the deep purple markings beneath her eyes. "How sick can you be to dress up as an elf to commit your crimes so they will be blamed for your treachery-"

The woman's voice suddenly faltered, and her mouth soon fell agape as she stared first at her pristinely clean hand followed by Rayla's unaltered markings.

"They're real...You're real..."

"Yep, and this is really going to hurt."

A surprised yelp sprang from the woman's lips as Rayla rammed her forehead against her nose as hard as she could, sending her scrambling back as her hands flew to her face. Not wasting a second, the Moonshadow elf dragged herself up and barreled towards her disoriented opponent, blades raised and ready to deliver a debilitating blow, but just as she was about to swing, a white and light blue blur darted directly in front of her, forcing her to skid to a halt in order to avoid slamming into it and tripping.

"Zym, get out of the way!" Rayla snapped irritably, but the baby dragon didn't budge, his usually wide, innocent eyes now alight with a defiant spark. Grumbling to herself, she tried to step around him, but Zym merely ran back in front of her again, this time giving a shrill yip of protest as he locked gazes with her.

"Ugh, what has gotten into you?! Callum, snap out of whatever daze you're in and come help me!"

Rapidly fluttering his eyelashes while simultaneously shaking his head seemed to be the magic combo for breaking whatever spell had rendered Callum totally paralyzed, but he took little more than three timid steps forward before immediately freezing up again, his attention flitting back and forth between Zym and the hooded figure a mere foot behind him.

"Zym, come here now." he demanded in as stern of a voice as he could muster with his trembling lips. Unfortunately for him, he didn't come across as very intimidating and Zym didn't seem bothered by him in the slightest.

Rayla rolled her eyes. "Callum, just grab him!"

"But the banshee is right there! What if she grabs me?!"

"Okay, what in the name of Thunder is a banshee and why are you so scared of it?! I'm literally standing right here ready to slice it into fleshy ribbons if it moves!"

"Okay, first off, thank you so much for putting that image in my head so it now can and will surely haunt me in my nightmares. Second, banshees are spirits, Rayla! It's gonna take more than a couple of swords to kill it!"

"She felt pretty solid to me."

"Geez, is bickering all you two do? Then again, I guess I can't complain since your arguing gave me enough time to finish assembling my little friend!"

All heads snapped in the direction from which Madeleine's voice had come until every eye found the redhead lurking beneath the shade of a cluster of weeping willow trees, a peculiar device perched atop a leather glove on her outstretched arm. It resembled a crossbow like the ones Rayla had observed several of the palace guards wielding on a much smaller scale and with an additional, lever-like piece that rested against her fingers, and though the girl tried to carry herself with confidence, the elf could read the faint lines of trepidation in her face. Whatever that device was, she was just as wary of it as the rest of them.

"Put down the swords and step away from them or I will shoot."

"Go ahead. Take a shot and see what happens." Rayla barked back, the balls of her feet grinding in the dirt as she hunched down and prepared to sprint.

A ripple of shock as well as possible fright momentarily muddled Madeleine's determined expression, but her trembling legs remained planted where they were and her face quickly rehardened, her teeth sinking into her lower lip as she met Rayla's glare while her fingers twitched in anticipation mere millimeters above the crossbow's trigger. Tension left the air in the clearing buzzing hotly and a confrontation seemed imminent until the banshee's cool voice sliced clean through the heat.

"Everyone just stop! I believe there's been a huge misunderstanding here! Madeleine, put down that hazard of a contraption before you hurt yourself again or somebody else!"

"But-"

"Now!"

An angry huff puffed from Madeleine's scowling lips but she did not argue further. While her eyes remained fixated on Callum and Rayla, the latter in particular, she tentatively slipped off the glove and deposited on the ground by her feet with the utmost delicacy to avoid accidentally setting it off. However, that wasn't good enough for Rayla.

"back away from it."

Madeleine's face flashed angry red, but at a nod from the hooded woman, she reluctantly obeyed and shuffled away from her invention until there was at least a yard's distance between them. "There, ya happy?"

Rayla ignored the redhead's sass completely as she stared down her attacker, her blades still tightly clenched in her hands, "You attacked me; what is there to misunderstand about that?"

"Well, we actually kind of attacked them first..." Callum interrupted only for his tongue to magically transform into a rock when Rayla swivelled her scalding gaze onto him, and the nervous grin he offered her didn't win over.

"Both of us misinterpreted each other's actions. I thought you were planning to harm Madeleine in order to take the prince for your own malicious aims-"

"Well, you weren't completely wrong."

"-but now I realize that we are on the same side."

Rayla scoffed so loudly she startled a pair of unwitting birds that had made the mistake of coming of perch on the limbs of a nearby sapling only a moment before, "You seriously expect me to believe anything you say after you almost drowned me and your little friend threatened to shoot us?! Ha! Give me one good reason why I should listen to you, oh terrible phantom!"

The woman went very quiet for a moment before raising her head just enough for Rayla to catch of glimpse of a pair of vibrant violet irises that shone like polished gemstones beneath the shadow of her hood. "Don't skewer me."

"No promises."

Moving slowly as to not accidentally provoke an attack, the woman grabbed the brim of her hood and pulled it back, allowing lengthy ringlets of fluffy, somewhat messy, snow white curls to spill down to her thighs as the sun kissed the lightly tanned skin of her face. Starting just below her bottom lip, a line of dark blue dots stretched down to the bottom of her chin, each marking slightly smaller than the one before it, and from within her cloud-like mane, out poked a pair of rounded and stubby, light blueish gray horns as well as two pointed ears rimmed by shimmering fins that were also a fair shade of blue. Removing her gloves next, the girl held up a hand in plain view, wiggling her four fingers so the light danced on the translucent webbing between them.

"This a good enough reason for you?" she muttered, her flat tone making hard to decipher whether she was being sarcastic or deliberate.

Rayla didn't answer. In fact, aside from her eyes that skimmed over the other elf from head to toe, she didn't even move. Callum, however, was an entirely different story.

"You...You're an elf! You're another elf!" His shoulders shook with his nervous laughter before he breathed a long sigh of relief. "Oh thank goodness! I thought we were in serious trouble for a second there."

"She could be a fake."

"Huh?"

"She just accused me of disguising myself as an elf. We can't just assume she's the real thing because she looks the part," Rayla repeated bluntly, but even as she said those words, she subconsciously lowered her swords to rest idly at her sides.

The she elf's head tilted slightly to one side and a coy smile stretched across her lips. "You really think an ordinary human could mimic the wail of an Oceancry elf that perfectly, Moondrop?"

"It's Rayla, not Moondrop."

"Anora."

"I wasn't asking. What are you doing wandering around on this side of the border and with a human no less?!"

"I could ask you the same thing, although I think I already have a pretty good idea of what's your story is." Without the threat of being flayed by Rayla's blades to keep her down, Anora gracefully picked herself up off of the ground and brushed away the dirt that clung to her legs before casually scooping Zym into her arms. When she gently scratched at the nape of his neck, the dragonling trilled happily and went limp in her embrace, his complete vulnerability a testament of his trust which only brightened her smile. "I'll tell you whatever you wish to know, but first we should move somewhere more secluded to ensure the prince's safety. That okay with you, Moondrop?"

"Fine." Instinct and years of training both reeled in Rayla's head, aghast that she would agree to something so foolish, but Rayla was far too focused on Anora to pay them much mind. Despite the fact that the other elf easily towered at least a head over her, she still tried to appear intimidating by puffing herself up to her full height and keeping their gazes locked together. "But if you do anything even slightly fishy, I promise that nobody will ever find your body once I'm done with it."

Anora merely snorted in amusement. "You Moonshadow elves truly are excessively paranoid."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. There's a hidden glade with a pond and waterfall nearby that we can go to, and if you weary travellers are hungry, Maddie and I would be more than happy to catch a few more fish and treat you to some lunch."

Madeleine groaned, "We would?"

"Yes, we would."

"That would be great!" Callum's eyes sparkled brighter than they had all day at the mention of food, but the gleam flickered slightly when he noticed Rayla's disapproving scowl in the corner of his eye. "What?"

"You're unbearably naive." she grumbled sourly with an exaggerated roll of her eyes before begrudgingly trailing after Anora, leaving Callum to stare at the back of her head, utterly perplexed, as he wondered what exactly he had done wrong this time.

-------------------------------

The glade was surprisingly beautiful. The water of the pond shone like cerulean tinted glass, clear enough for onlookers to see all the way to its bottom where the smartest fish wedged themselves amongst the stones and leafy freshwater plants, while carpets of long, impossibly green grass dotted with colorful bursts of neon flowers danced along its outskirts. The only noise that could be heard was the trickling of the waterfall as it splashed down from the rocky, moss-covered cliff that was just off center in the little alcove accompanied by the occasional whistle of the wind or twitter of nearby birds, creating a peaceful symphony that sank beneath the skin and soothed the soul as the network of large trees along the border of the glade wove their branches together to seal the little pocket of beauty safely away from the rest of the world. Rayla never would have guessed that such a beautiful spot could exist outside of Xadia in the land of mankind.

Of course, the moment quickly became a lot less serene when a flying fish unexpectedly nailed her on the cheek.

"Sorry, Rayla!"

Zym immediately dove for the still flopping fresh catch as it landed in Rayla's lap, gobbling it down whole in the blink of an eye. Wiping fishy residue from her face, Rayla shot a scowl at Madeleine and Callum, who both sat hunched by the water's edge fussing over a catapult-like contraption that the former had ingeniously assembled in a matter of minutes out of a pile of spare parts, fishing net, and things she had gathered from their surroundings. "Why do you have to make a device to catch the fish for you? Just do it yourself!"

"What's the fun in that?" Madeleine chirped in a rather smug retort, a choice she immediately regretted when she observed Rayla's eyes shift from mildly icy to unforgivingly frigid. "M-Maybe we can move a little further away so you're not in the direct line of fire."

"I would do that." Anora called from where she was squatted across from Rayla, prodding at the kindling of the campfire crackling between them with a long stick before feeding it another generous handful of twigs and leaves to help it grow. When she noticed the dragonling go scampering in the direction of the water, she added, "Make sure Zym isn't eating your catch as fast as you can bring it in."

Rayla didn't take her eyes off of Madeleine or her contraption until both had moved at least two yards down the shoreline, which may have been rather excessive to say the least but she wanted to be absolutely certain that she was out of range before she let her guard drop. Anora, however, misread her body language to mean something else entirely

"They're oddly intriguing to watch, aren't they? With such ingenuity, they hardly need magic." she purred, hints of awe and pride coloring her voice.

"That's one way to look at it," Rayla scoffed, sarcasm dripping from her lips in thick droplets as she finally turned her back to the waterfront and swiveled her attention onto the dancing flames before her, "So let me make sure I've got everything straight. Your parents were the guardians of the half of the Ocean Nexus bay that resides in the human world, but you haven't seen them since an attack separated you?"

"Correct."

"And the reason you're travelling with a human-"

"Maddie."

"-is because her open-minded parents took you in and hid you after you rescued her from an undercurrent, but you two got split up from them when the townsfolk where they lived found out your secret and chased all of you out?"

"You're good so far."

"Huh, you have worse luck than I do," Rayla mumbled before her common sense could kick in and stop her, but judging by the giggle that rang from her lips like the chiming of a cluster of small silver bells, Anora found the observation equally amusing. "I guess what I don't understand is why you went to save Maddie in the first place. I mean, I had a reason for teaming up with Callum, but you just acted without one. She's a human and you're an elf; why didn't you run the other way as soon as you saw her?"

A gust stole through the glade, tousling the grass and shaking the branches of the trees as though the forest itself was laughing at such a question. Anora, however, simply continued to smile as she set aside her stick, satisfied for now with the fire's current state, and reclined back into a more comfortable position as the light from the flames danced in her deep eyes.

"I suppose it's simply a part of my nature."

Rayla could sense what was coming. "Ugh, you're about to get all philosophical with me, aren't you?"

"Only if you don't mind."

The Moonshadow elf shrugged her shoulders in weary resignation. "Just get it over with."

"Do you know anything about the Ocean arcanum?"

"Not really. Water isn't exactly my thing."

"Well, what do see when you look at a body of water?"

"My worst nightmare."

Anora's composure rippled for a moment as she strived to suppress the giggle swelling in the back of her throat like a wave, but it spilled out anyways in the form of a rather crude snort. "Beyond that. What do you perceive when you look at the water, like this pond for example?"

Yep, this was getting more and more like Rayla's talks with Lujanne and Villads every second. Allowing her eyes to drift to the pool, she hardly thought at all and blurted whatever came to her mind, "Well, it's kinda still and calm, I guess?"

"And yet, despite appearing that way on the surface, down below it is brimming with life and activity."

"Yeah, I'm still not getting it."

"Those of us with Ocean arcanums have a special understanding of the relationship between perception and reality, much like those with Moon arcanums like yourself. However, while the Moon arcanum focuses on perception, the Ocean arcanum puts more emphasis on reality. While we may be limited to our perception of something, that doesn't change the reality of it. At one moment, the ocean may be calm and inviting, and in the next it can become stormy and dangerous. Everything and everyone contains unknown potential beneath the surface, and we can allow that capacity to fill us with either a fear that holds us captive or a hope that makes us brave."

"So basically what you are telling me is that my hatred for water actually stems from the fact that the magic of the Ocean pretty much directly contrasts that of the Moon?"

This time, both girls busted out in laughter, catching both Callum and Madeleine offguard and enabling Zym to wriggle free from the former's arms and scarf down with unrivaled speed the small pile of fish that had accumulated next to the latter.

"I don't know. Anything is possible after all," Anora purred while flashing Rayla an impish wink. "Anything else I can clear up for you?"

"Actually, there is one more thing: what in the world is this banshee nonsense that Callum was babbling about or are you as clueless about it as I am?"

"Um, for the record, it is not nonsense. Banshees are very real and very dangerous!"

Rayla shot a sour glance over her shoulder. "I thought you were busy fishing."

Callum's nose wrinkled at Rayla's snide remark as he eased himself down beside her, Zym once again wrapped snugly in his arms, and the girls quickly caught a whiff of the pungent stench of raw fish tainting the dragonling's breath. "We decided Zym needed to be kept away from the water if we ever want to eat. You seriously don't know what a banshee is though?"

"No! For the last time, I've never heard of a freaking banshee in my life!"

"Banshees are creatures of human myth, not Xadian."

Rayla's lips twisted into a sly smirk that she made certain Callum noticed. "Myth, as in not real?"

"Oh, we're very real, Rayla. The details of our legends amongst the humans are just a little...embellished."

Once again, Callum's skin whitened to that same corpse-like color he had adopted when they first encountered Anora, and though he didn't consciously realize it, he scooted a little closer to Rayla. "Wait, you mean you're really..."

"A banshee? Yes and no."

Groaning, Rayla lowered her face into her open palm, her fingertips gently massaging her forehead as it began to ache. "Great, now my head is really starting to spin."

"The banshees of human folklore are a complete hoax, but they did originate from something real. Any guesses as to what or who might've served as inspiration?"

When all the pieces clicked together in her head, Rayla's cheeks flushed pink at her own stupidity. "Oceancry elves! Of course!"

"Correct, namely the Oceancry elves that have served as the guardians of the Ocean Nexus or the shores of Xadia. It was pure coincidence that a few deaths occurred after someone witnessed us scream, but rather than fight the folktale, we decided to use it to our advantage."

Callum's brows drew together in sheer confusion, "Wait, can only female Oceancry elves scream like that?"

"No, both women and men alike can screech like that, though the pitches might be different."

"Then how come banshees are always said to be female?"

A devilish sparkle going the flames dancing in Anora's eyes. "Have you seen any male elves, Callum? It isn't exacted a hard mistake to make."

Rayla's hand flew to her mouth to muffle her giggling; she imagined Runaan wouldn't have taken too kindly to such a remark. Fortunately, the scratching of scales on scales and the thump of Madeleine's nets hitting the ground drowned her out.

"Okay, I caught 'em; somebody else can cook 'em." Madeleine grunted as she flopped down between Callum and Anora. "Also, I was thinking about your little dilemma, and I think I've got a solution. If you guys can't get to Xadia by land, why not go by sea?"

The giddy warmth in Rayla's chest immediately evaporated, and she must've gasped because all eyes were suddenly on her. Her entire body had gone numb and dead aside from her racing heart, which beat against her ribs in panicked protest. She couldn't speak, couldn't find the words.

"Not an option. We have to find another way." Callum insisted, grabbing Rayla's hand and giving it a tight squeeze while Zym nuzzled her shoulder with his nose. These things should have brought Rayla comfort, but instead a painful heaviness began to well in her chest.

"No. We can't waste time looking for an opening along the border. If the sea is our best option, then we'll go by sea."

"But Rayla-"

Rayla offered Callum a weary smile and clenched his hand in return. "It's alright, Callum. I'll manage."

"If you plan to go by water, crossing over the Ocean Nexus would be your best bet." Anora offered, lowering her eyes before the others could notice the sadness lurking in their corners, "I could take you there but the journey will take a few days at the very least. We'll need to gather some supplies before we depart to limit the amount of stops we have to make along the way-"

"Are you sure you want to go back there?" Rayla frowned, not needing to see Anora's inner struggle to know that it was there.

Slowly, Anora allowed her eyes to drift from Rayla to Callum and finally to Zym. "If it means returning the Dragon Prince home and hopefully stopping the coming war, absolutely."

#THE DRAGON PRINCE #tdp #tdp oc #tdp fanfic #tdp fanfiction #runaan #tdp runaan #runaan x oc #tdp callum #tdp rayla #tdp zym #original species #Runaan

0 notes