#log path

[spark-circuit]

HUH................?

[flowering-darkness]

Lorenza: "Had I been at Laxan Loft that fateful day, then perhaps.. You whom the Ascians kept in the shadows might yet have had an ally for that last sacrifice. ..Ah, but who are we two of the void to dwell on a hundred years past?"

(comments/reblogs are appreciated but never required. further context is under the readmore!)

A little idea I had earlier and was successfully able to get a friend to queue into E10 with me to access the location for! This is actually technically my first thing made for my selfship with the Shadowkeeper (or to use her truer name Cylva), so it's perhaps a bit too context-heavy of a piece to start things off with, but.. oh well! I hope that it's still alright/people like it, even without everyone being aware of the full background ;w;

(If you are curious what's actually being depicted here: it's just a hypothetical musing about "if Lorenza had been present at the Battle of Laxan Loft a hundred years ago, where Cylva turned into the Shadowkeeper and forced Ardbert and the Warriors of Light to fight her (but they refused to kill her like she asked), then maybe that whole event could have been a bit less emotionally harrowing for Cylva". There was no way Lorenza could have been there, of course - she didn't even know Cylva at that time, as the two only met at the start of Shadowbringers despite both originating from the Thirteenth - but.. it's still something she idly muses after learning about Cylva's past. For more background context, feel free to have a read of this other post!)

When it came to putting this together, I was limited by what remained of the duty timer (since we had to do the whole boss fight against the Shadowkeeper and then I had to wait for everyone else to leave), as well as my own inexperience with manipulating reshade parameters like colour curves and brightness (so I apologise if this is a bit all-the-same-value - I tried to mess with the background vs. foreground a bit, but that was about all I could muster). To put things into perspective, this is how the arena looked before I went in and started the posing process - so as you can see, a lot of processing needed to be done to get the final vibes!

I'm also still not really adept at posing within FFXIV, which is why Lorenza is incorrectly using her right hand to reach out to Cylva; the day I learn how to flip/invert poses derived from paused animations will be a very advantageous one indeed! There's probably a better workflow than the one I currently use, but.. like when I was first starting out with MMD, it takes a while to get properly familiar with the tools involved and how to do what you're aiming for with them. I'd meant to get some alternate/closeup camera angles, but exited out of /gpose instead after taking the initial one, which meant I lost everything I'd loaded in .w.

In any case, though - I like how the final product turned out (even if the composition is almost identical to my January render..), and I hope that some of my thought process in making it could come through! I did finish making this at one minute to midnight on Valentine's Day, but I'm aware it isn't really a very Valentine's Day selfship thing.. so, I suppose it's more fitting that I wasn't able to get around to posting it until after the date had changed here! =P

Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this! I hope it all makes sense ^-^

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[petrichormore]

I had this whole post in my drafts about how I don’t think tr!Water ever had true romantic feelings for tr!Bad, she just craved the exclusivity that’s typically associated with standard romance (aka monogamy). So I’m just gonna post it now.

She’s not well-versed on romance, but the version she knows best is the fairytale version. It’s the version where tr!Bad favors her above his friends because that’s just how it would work if they were in love (in her mind, anyway - this is almost certainly not how it would’ve actually gone down if her confession had been accepted).

It’s the version the knights would talk of as they invaded her cave - their mission dedicated to one very special princess somewhere. If she could just become that very special princess, that significant other, than she’d have actual justification for being possessive (NOT ACTUALLY but that might be her thought process). She’d have justification for wanting tr!Bad to place her on some special high tier above everyone else (a tier that he just does not have).

Basically I don’t think that tr!Water feels romantic attraction and therefore she’s easily made jealous, rather she’s easily made jealous and therefore she assumed her feelings must be romantic. If that makes sense.

[muffinrag]

Fucked up big time in Valheim. My character is currently on a karve, carrying over 1000lbs of silver, drifted too far from the cart to put any of it back (fucking greydwarf pushed the boat), on an extremely steep slope - so my only option is to toss the silver so I can move again, but if I toss the silver, it will sink into the ocean and be gone forever.

I might actually have to beg for help on the subreddit.

[drivewaycore]

[o-wise-corvid]

Maul and @thesitharts OC Path. He baby.

Let’s be embraced unconditionally by Papa

[spacehomos]

good morning gang its 5 minutes till noon time 2 go thrift shoppppinggg

[rosencatholic]

I fear a great sorrow is upon my heart tonight

[skaterfc]

despite me just buying two new games and me just looking theu my massive catalog of itch.io games ive gotten from various bundles over the years, i have spent the last two hours fixing up snowchester on my copy of the dsmp world download

[dinosaurchurch]

First hike of the year! It’s been perfect weather to get out and stretch the legs!

Stiles Cove Path.

January 10th 2025.

[nitro-sys]

HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU. SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR YOU AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. HATE. HATE. /c

[eggsnatcheskneecaps]

So I lied about picking it up in summer

[drunkcleric]

spent 30 minutes slowly crawling my way round a lake, shitting my pants, hearing some giant beast trapsing near where I was every time I moved, no matter where I went, fully convinced this was the end and something was toying with me, only to turn around to see this

[itsskoll]

cringefail househusband who can't even beat his half-blind brother-in-law in a fight

[zweiflugelig]

🎄

Oh, shit. That was the girl from the other day, staring her down from the other end of the corridor.

Well, staring her down would be a lie. Rather, Selena was the one with her gaze affixed stupidly. She would be hard pressed to forget the little flutter she felt in her stomach when Shez had saved her after defeat during battle. She knew her cheeks would begin to redden anew. Oh, gods. She had to get away RIGHT NOW… Her heartbeat threatening to give away her presence, she turned swiftly on her heel, but

her retreat could not go unnoticed, unfortunately.

"Uh, hey there," she barked out, pretending that she simply hadn't seen Shez. Her retreating footsteps continued though she faced her, but by the time the two were face to face, Selena had backed herself against a wall. "Erm..."

The shimmering leaves now above them went unnoticed.

Next month's mission is said to be a real doozy. Shez has heard whispers of near death and terrifying enemies beyond human comprehension, the Church's supposed enemies in the dark. She's also heard plenty about some of the more, ah, established folk agonizing over which weapons to bring. Magical family heirloom or weapon of mass destruction?

And here is Shez, broke as a joke. That fight with that Santa bastard did a number on her sword—a fight, by the way, she didn't get paid for. To be fair, it wasn't a paid job, and with her poor performance she honestly wouldn't have paid herself either. Still! It sucks! The blacksmith isn't free. She scored a discount purely because he felt sorry for her. After he laughed his head off hearing the story, that is. A net loss all around...

"Hmm?" Shez notices Selena calling out to her. "Hey!" She smiles and casually waves back. Though, something seems off. Selena's acting all... flustered. Then Shez notices the mistletoe above them. "Aha! Is that what got you messed up?"

It hangs high above their heads, over a door frame. Shez judges the distance, then jumps and knocks it out of place. Nice! Another cheese for her! "That coulda been bad. Imagine if you got caught by one of the casanovas runnings around campus. You'd be in real trouble." Shez laughs. "Don't worry, I'm not superstitious like that. Oh, uh, but you don't mind, right?" Not like Selena would give her the time of day otherwise, but the thought's just occurred to Shez.