#lori is my wife yes but ive just been like

[diaryofabeautyfiend]

* ⚠️ Warnings: A lot of angst. Mentions of sex. A little fluff. People drinking alcohol. ⚠️ This one shot was never meant to be a series. All of your love and appreciation spurred me in to write more. Hope you like this chapter. I cried while I was writing it. Part 5 is the finale.

Plain Gold Ring IV:

You Don’t Know What Love Is

“How could you know how lips hurt

'Till you've kissed and had to pay the cost

Baby, 'till you've flipped your heart and you have lost

You don't know what love is” Nina Simone

———————————————————————

Being on the board of your firm’s charity gala was a huge deal. On top of your normal duties you were in charge of the silent auction. The final auction items had all arrived and you had been busy categorizing everything and preparing for the night that you barely have time to focus on the Andy and Lori situation.

Not that it wasn’t grating on your last nerve. You were so short with everyone at work that it was becoming a problem. Stan had to have a talk with you. You just had to focus and get through this event.

Andy helped as much as he could. He was supportive when you were frustrated and quickly learned when to back off. Sometimes you were up until the wee hours he would literally drag you to bed. He knew how to keep your mind off of work for a while.

You were so busy that you hadn’t even purchased a dress. You and Liz went shopping after work. She was the only person to know about you and Andy.

“What do you think of this one? Think Andy will like it?” You wore a black long sleeved gown with a v that went down to right above your belly button and a slit up to your mid thigh.

“I mean, I’d fuck you.” she deadpanned. This was the dress. You would be comfortable in it all night. You also looked like a powerful bitch who would slit your throat.

———————————————————————

You had to be at the site earlier than the guests so you did your hair and most of your makeup at home. Andy had not seen your dress on purpose. You wanted him to see you when he walked in with Lori. Your petty brain was on overdrive.

“Well you look great” Andy said pointing to your sweats.

“Shush. I’m not putting on my dress and heels until the last second. I pressed your shirt it’s hanging in your closet. I also picked up your tux from the cleaners.”

He slid his arms around you and looked at you in the mirror. “Why are you so good to me?” His hands roamed your body and made contact with your bare skin under your tshirt.

“I am gonna be late.” You swatted his hands away.

“You have four hours. Didn’t you hire party planners?”

“Yes. I still need to get my nails done and set up the auction. You can have your way with me later.”

“But I want to now” he whined. “Please. I’ll be really quick.”

You giggled , “Sounds really fun for me. You know I would never ever miss an opportunity to cum all over your cock…” your face was so close to his your lips were nearly touching. Your hands were on his chest. His were on your hips pulling you closer. “But I have to go. Bye, baby.”

“Tease! You’ll pay for that.” he called after you.

You winked at him as you headed out of the door, “I certainly hope so.”

All Andy could do was laugh. He wished he could spend this evening whisking you around the dance floor. He couldn’t wait to see how beautiful you would look tonight.

In two days you would be on your way to Chicago. The movers were already on the way with your furniture. Your suitcase was in the process of being packed. He hated it. He was taking a long weekend to help you get settled. By Wednesday morning you would have to say goodbye. His heart broke a little every time he thought about it. Every single day he wanted to say he loved you. He was reluctant to ruin what you had knowing there was no way around the inevitable.

———————————————————————

Everything was set. The only thing left was for you to get dressed. You re-sprayed your hair and put on your jewelry. You spritzed Chanel over your wrists neck and cleavage. Last thing was to coat your lips in a matte oxblood to match your nails. You looked sleek and downright terrifying. Just as you planned.

“They just walked in.” Liz whispered from the doorway.

“How does she look?”

“Pretty and appropriate.”

“How do I look?”

“Like a bad bitch. Let’s go.”

You walked out with your shoulders back and your head high. You made sure the gown swished enough to expose your legs and the impossibly high heels you wore. Andy saw you from across the room and stopped dead in his tracks. You looked like you were walking in slow motion. He almost dropped his drink.

You made a b line for Stan and his wife Elaine who were standing directly behind the other couple. He smelled your perfume wafting off of you when you walked by. He almost lost it right there.

“Y/N! What a knockout. Elaine, isn’t she gorgeous?” You kissed his cheek with the side of your mouth careful not to smear your lipstick.

“Christ, Stan. Keep it in your pants. You look beautiful, honey.”

“Thank you, Elaine. So good to see you. Lovely as always.”

“Thank you, dear. Now how is it possible you are here without a date? Stan, you work the poor thing so much she can’t even find a man. That’s why she’s leaving you.”

“And for many other reasons” you joked. You were very much aware that Andy was behind you. “Elaine have you met Andy and Lori Barber?”

You took Lori’s hand and ushered them over. “No, I haven’t. So nice to finally meet you.”

“You get to know each other. I’m going to grab a drink. Can I get anyone anything?” Such a good hostess.

“I’d love a scotch. Elaine wine?” She nodded.

“Andy?”

“You won’t be able to carry all of those drinks. Let me come with you.” Andy patted Lori on the arm. “I’ll be right back.” When you were far enough away he took a long look at you. “How long til I get to rip that dress off of you?”

Your cheeks heated, “You won’t be ripping anything. This dress cost a fortune. It’s far too pretty to ruin especially with panty lines.”

“Fuck. I’m gonna ruin that pussy.”

“Promises promises, Mr. Barber.” He groaned and adjusted his pants.

“Such a tease.”

You delivered the drinks and excused yourself. For the rest of the night Andy only caught glimpses of you. He tried not to make it obvious but Lori could see. Once upon a time he looked at her like that. Except the way he looked at you was a look of complete adoration.

You tried avoiding the Barbers all night. The whole time Andy schmoozed and did his Andy thing, his arm was around her waist. She kept her hand on his chest. They were always finding little ways to touch each other. When he kissed her temple you nearly broke the clipboard you were holding.

Stan stood next to you draining his fourth drink, “You ok there, champ? Sweet couple aren’t they?”

“Yeah. They’re adorable.” You slammed the rest of your Old Fashion.

“Reminds me of me and Katherine . Remember Katherine?”

“Was she your second or third wife? I don’t remember.” Your words were dripping with sarcasm.

“Second. Every time we had one of these things Katherine was on my arm. She was great at this shit. She’d chat it up with the partner’s wives earning me brownie points while I fucked Elaine’s brains out in the John. Know why I married Elaine? She was the best goddamn litigator I’d ever seen. Gets my dick hard every time I think about it. She lit a fire in me that couldn’t be stoked. Kind of like you do for Andy.”

You blanched, “What do you mean?”

“Oh save it. I know you’re fucking. The whole office does. I see how he looks at you. But you can’t see how you look at him. Don’t let the act fool you. He’s stupid for you. Let me keep him for a couple of months before you move him to Chicago ok? He can make us some serious money.” He patted you on the ass and went back to Elaine. She was waiting for him with a big smile that he drunkenly devoured.

———————————————————————

The band started playing. When a slow song came on Lori took Andy’s hand. “Dance with me?”

For possibly the last time he held her. She closed her eyes, rested her head on his shoulder and let him lead her around the dance floor. He wasn’t reciprocating with the same tenderness. His eyes were held on you.

You watched him place his hand on the small of her back. The way he held her hand was a practiced action that he had perfected over sixteen years. When he let himself get lost for just a moment he was overcome with grief for himself and Lori. He pressed a kiss to her lips. Her heart fluttered and she kissed him back. You rushed out of the room when you saw them.

Lori felt her husband’s body stiffen. His hold on her loosened. It felt like he was forcing his body to stay with her. She understood why his mood shifted when she saw you leaving. She looked up at him. His eyebrows were knitted together with worry.

“How long have you been sleeping with her?” she asked quietly.

“A month. Maybe longer.” He couldn’t look at her. Couldn’t lie.

“So basically since you left.”

“My second day there. Lori, I’m so sorry. It just happened. I wasn’t looking for anything.”

“No, but you were open to something happening. Does everyone here know? Of course they do. I’m so humiliated. I think I’d like to go home.”

“I’ll get the car.”

“No. I can get myself home. This night is too important for you to leave early.”

“Lori…”

“I don’t want to be around you right now, Andy. I can’t.” She let go of his hand and left. She carried herself with poise and dignity but inside she was dying.

You were nowhere to be found. He spotted Liz who was chatting with some friends. “Where is she?”

“Auctions over. She left.”

“Shit. Thanks.”

“Andy, be gentle with her. Idiots.”

He ran to the valet and jumped in his car to race home. When he got out he noticed a suit case in the back of your car. The elevator was taking forever. He took the stairs two at a time to reach you before you got away.

He heard your heels clacking on the hardwood. Clothes were everywhere. “Y/N?”

“Bedroom.” You were still in your pretty dress. Still all made up throwing things in another suitcase.

“Going somewhere?”

“Hotel.”

“Mind telling me why?” His voice was hoarse like he had been screaming.

“The way you held her…you kissed her.” He grabbed your hands to make you look at him but you yanked them away. “This was stupid. I should have never gotten involved with you in the first place. Married men never leave. Please get out of my way, Andy. I have to go.”

“You think this was a mistake?” Slow tears rolled down his face. He undid his bow tie and sat down. “I don’t. I’m glad we met.”

“Why? Because I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. So why are you glad?”

“Because you reminded me what it felt like to be cared for. To feel loved. You showed me what I had been missing for a long time now.”

“Happy to have helped.” You continued emptying drawers.

“Please stop packing. Please.” You wouldn’t look at him. He tried grabbing you several times but you moved beyond his reach. “Damn it! Why? Why do you always run when things get hard?”

“I’m not running.”

“No? So Chicago just came up? Or did you put out your resume the second you heard I got the job you wanted?”

Your cheeks heated. “You know how this business works. If I got passed over this time, they’ll keep doing it.”

“Right. And tonight? The second things get weird you run.”

“You kissed her!” You were trying not to cry.

“I know. I was sad. We’ve been Andy and Lori for the majority of our lives. Tonight felt so final. I know we’ll always have Jacob but, there is nothing else there. Please. I am so in love with you. Please.” He dropped to his knees and hugged you tight around your waist.

“Andy, you have to let me go.” He pressed his face into your stomach and broke down. “Andy? Sweetie? Come on. Let go.”

“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll let you walk out of that door. I’ll never contact you again. But I know you do.”

“Stop….”

“Aren’t you tired of running?” You were tired. You ran away from your family, former lovers, dead end jobs. You wanted to finally be settled. Leave with a clean break. There was nothing clean about this. If you said you loved him there was no going back. This would be at least three years of a long distance relationship because he won’t leave Jacob. You didn’t want him to leave his son. This would be you exhibiting a level of trust you weren’t sure you had. He fell in love with you so fast. In your absence, what would stop him from falling for someone else? You were so weak when it came to Andy. Fucking perfect at everything Andy fucking Barber. Why couldn’t you shake him? Why couldn’t you just walk away like you have been trying to do since the first time you had sex?

BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM YOU DUMB TWAT. Your brain screamed. You couldn’t make your mouth work. You ran your fingers through his hair, “I love you, Andy.”

He pulled you down onto the floor and kissed you with abandon. “Say that again.” he whispered against your mouth.

“I love you. I love you. God help me, I love you.” A smile was plastered on his face for the rest of the night. Packing could wait.

[nurseconscience]

THE MUN WATCHES. The Resident 2x06 - Nightmares

HERE WE GO.

THAT RECAP. All about the family this episode. I am so hype.

Uhhhh.. I am not okay with creepy baby music coming from that room with a crib. and now no one is at the door. THIS FEELS LIKE A GAME I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR. 

Don’t like it. (I am a wimp, guys. )

NOPE. FUCKING NOPE. LET ME OUT.

Awwwwww. Poor Lori. Laurie? However she spells it. Awww. Devin giving her a hug. Irving wants the hug. lol His face. Babyyyyy. ( Yes. I still adore Irving. )

OMG. NIC TRYING TO GET CONRAD TO HAVE SOME CHOCOLATE. I LOVE IT. (LAWL. “Something in the marvel universe”...I see you Fox. I see that Sharon Carter ref. I approve.)

Uh oh. No Pops. Hmmmmmmm.

LMFAO. THE ARM. “Trick or treat.” Oh Irving.

Nic and baby sis bonding and being all cute. I am here for this.

WOMEN UNDER 35 ARE THE MOST UNDIAGNOSED PATIENTS IN THE COUNTRY. THAT IS FUCKING RIGHT. THANK YOU, THE RESIDENT. I AM HAVING SO MANY FEELS OVER THAT ONE LINE.

Oh look. The theme of family is popping up again. FAMILY THEMED EPISODE.

omg I love Bell’s new assistant. He’s a snarky little shit and I hope he stays. 

Snort. Conrad’s dad is in his phone as Marshall.  LOL Conrad’s face is just like ‘But.. I’m me.’ OH. THIS IS LIKE THAT ONE EPISODE OF...SOMETHING THAT I SAW. WHERE YOU CAN’T RECOGNIZE THE FACE OF SOMEONE. THEY APPEAR AS STRANGERS. Was that Criminal Minds?? 

I am so here for Mina being friends with both of the Nevin girls. Poor Irving. “Perhaps you should let go of kitty’s leash” I adore Jessie and I want to protect her from all things. 

Called it. It’s the thing.

Omg. This small child. Trying to be matchmaker so he doesn’t get fired. I can’t decide if I love him or want to murder him myself.

OH NO. CONRAD RUN. GET HER. Oh thank god. I really thought she was going to try and pull him over the edge with her. Jesus my heart.

“Don’t look at me. The Raptor does not prank. Although he does appreciate pranks.”

I do like Mina calling Nic out on her momma birding her sister.  Awwww she left Nic in charge and I love those three rules. 

That is a really interesting test they did with the clock. I am really enjoying this episode.Though, the sedative I do not believe would work that fast? It need a minute to go through her blood stream.

OH. HERE WE GO. The scene with Conrad and his dad that we saw earlier today. So...my friend and my guess is that Marshall is either really sick and dying and has no hope or does not think he will get through whatever it is because he isn’t super positive about things. 

Dude that guy looks a lot like ZDogg MD.

Nic lookin for Jessie. “Check the closets. Lots of things going on in the closets.” oh Nic. GOING BACK TO CHECK THAT GUY’S PULSE. I FUCKING LOVE IT. NIC IS MY MOTHER HEN.

Oh no. Oh good. Good girl, Jessie. Proud of you. Annnnnnnd not so proud of how you tore up your sister there. Like...yeah she’s being overbearing but that was mean.

OH MY GOD. THAT IS THE FEMORAL ARTERY. GOD. RIPPING OUT THAT IV HAD ME CRINGING BUT NOW I AM ALL OUT IN PAIN FOR HER. Oh snap. Are Conrad and HODAD going to willingly work together?

DID SOMEONE FUCKING PUT PILLS IN NIC’S DRINK? IS SOMEONE DRUGGING HER? OR IS THIS A PANIC ATTACK? (”Genie back in your bottle” best line) Oh. Okay. Panic attack. Okay. That is really good and interesting. Awww....my baby. 

Aaaayyyyeeeeeee. Dr. Nolan. I want to like him, I do like him. But also I am weary that he might be used against us at some point.

SWEAR TO GOD THAT LOOKS LIKE ZDOGG. AM I CRAZY? 

I enjoy the quotes from Nolan. I enjoy his thing. They’re funny. Conrad is a little shit who mildly enjoys them with his “Quote. Check Lori’s abdomen. Hawkins.”

Ugh blood. There is a lot of gore this episode.  YAY. THE HEART IS BACK. LAWL. “SHOWOFF” I love these ladies.

OH. SHE HAD A TERATOMA. THAT IS SO INTERESTING. ( I like that I seem to know a lot of these things popping up. Proof I’ve seen too many dr. shows and been in hospitals too much/research weird shit too much. ) 

Awwww. I am so happy for this girl. I am glad she is going to be okay. Now. On to Conrad and his dad. What is UP. Come on, Pops. Oh shit. 10 years. Damn, Conrad. That is a bit fair I guess on his dad’s part.

omg. “Wait....you have human kids?” “Two. From my first marraige. And one of my kids has a kid.” She leaves. “...Her kid has a kid.” “....she’s a....grandmother.....”

OH  MY GOD

HE SET UP HIS BOSS WITH HIS DIVORCED MOTHER. JESUS. 

OMG.

JESSIE WITH IRVING WOULD BE SO FUCKING CUTE. I WANT IT.

Okay what creepy house is this??? IS THIS CONRAD’S MOM?

WHAT THE FUCK.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I don’t THINK that Marshall killed his wife. I am so confused. I mean he didn’t kill his wife. She fell down the stairs but still. WTF.

[dlkardenal]

Behind the Scalpel #3 Setting the foundations

Hey there, traveler!

Dar here with another episode of our favorite penguin telling stories clutching a weapon-sized medical tool. Today’s topic starts with one of our dear friends and important beta readers. He just finished reviewing the first draft of our WIP and the familiar itch to write came over him, so he asked us a question – how do you start?

So let’s talk about that, shall we?

A few disclaimers first: we are not a writing advice blog, and we never will be.

There are plenty of those around the web if you’re looking for some, I’m sure they’re easy enough to find because they are literally everywhere. This is more like a fireside story of how we did it and someone may find a few moments here and there that rings a bell or inspire them.

Still here? Awesome! Let me show you around…

I. Our writing style

Before we started creating our little book-baby, we already had a few years of experience roleplaying on play-by-post forums, so we pretty much knew what type of writers we are. Mainly, we are the type that doesn’t outline. Yes, that’s a thing and no, it is not the devil. You don’t HAVE to outline, some people can’t stick to a plan and like to explore the story as it unfolds through the characters. This is especially true for the co-writing method we used, which I talked about in a previous reply, but if anyone’s interested chuck me a reply and I’ll gladly elaborate again.

II. The world

But still, there were a few things we wrote down in a really pretty, ornate notebook. These were the “do”s and the “don’t”s. They are pretty self-explanatory: the “do”s were a bunch of concepts we insisted on putting into the book (to be more concrete, the “do”s were Arabic aesthetics, the appearance of djinn and A thousand and one night type of magic, a kingdom destroyed in a magical cataclysm leaving a desert and the few surviving cities). The “don’t”s were things we detested in other books so we tried to avoid these (things like forced love triangles, the chosen one trope, over the top mythical animals, a prophecy about the end of the world). When we finished this little brainstorm over a cup of green tea, we had ourselves the broad outline (well, not really but sorta) of a world.

III. The main character

Now came the exciting part and a point where our roleplayer past kicked in – we needed a POV character. We decided that Lory would control and act out this character throughout the story while I lob plot-related things and sexy mercenaries towards her, so she came up with the idea of our main character, Zaira. To start with she wrote a page-long text about Zaira smoking hookah in a luxurious villa and trying really hard to forget something in her past. Reading her thoughts two things became obvious: first, that Zaira (or Zee as we call her among ourselves) was a type of djinn that should’ve been able to control air, but she for some reason couldn’t. Second, that she worked as the assistant and adopted daughter of a perfume maker because the only superhuman power she had was an overly sensitive smell. That was all I needed to start and formulate a story.

IV. The inciting incident.

My first thought was some kind of murder-mystery. Maybe an important man was killed, a nobleman and his wife, and the murder weapon was a poisonous gas. Maybe the nobleman’s surviving son saw a young woman, so the city’s law enforcers think Zaira as a perfumer created the gas and know they are trying to blame, imprison, or even execute her.

That was the first idea, so I picked up the scene of Zee in a hookah party and threw a benevolent but serious law enforcer at her. This was Rashad, one of the more important side characters, a soldier tasked with finding the killer. Then all we had to do was act out how would the characters react. What would Rashad ask? What would Zee answer? Would she cooperate? Would Rashad believe her? From that point on we just kept acting out the characters, I swtiched from Rashad to some other faces you’ll meet eventually on our blog and I kept adding random tidbits to the story until it started to take shape. Of course there were a lot (I mean a LOT) of bad ideas, which needed rooting out. So before I weaved something into a scene I always asked Lory out-of-character what he thought about my newly made-up idea. When I got the green light I smashed it against the story and the part that didn’t scrape off on the already existing lore became our new building block. This was the same if she had an idea we could add, and that was the way we discovered our story.

Well, this is kind of it for now. I know it’s a bit shorter than our last post, but you get the gist of it. 

Some take-home messages I wanted to pass: outlining is not the only way, writers are not Mandalorians. There are many ways. Also, it is a good strategy to just dump everything you want and don’t want in your story on a blank page, then mold it into a more or less functioning world, then create a character to explore it and flood him/her with every possible fuckup that can happen. Then just write until a new idea flashes your mind, try that idea against the already settled things and if it fits, go for it! Just keep your character’s personality in mind so they don’t do something unthinkable and unbelievable. Once again I must say this is not a writing advice post, so don’t go burning your manuscript if you’re not doing it like this. Go, find your own path, but if you try how we did it and succeed in jumping into your story, definitely message me so we can cheer together!

Also, we are toying with the idea of releasing the first book in pieces on Wattpad (either the whole thing our a few chapters to give a little taste), so if you’re interested in what that little first scene in the hookah place turned into, please let us know! But if you think that’s a terrible idea and we should sooner hit ourselves with a hammer, then don’t keep that to yourself either!

Dar

[silks]

questions tag<3

hello followers who follow me.... i answer questions cuz i was tagged by several of my jaethots and yall r lovely and sweet

THE LAST

drink: lemonade at a tex mex restaurant i was just at and it was gud

phone call: @fuck-me-harder-olaf telling me about jacob sartorius getting handcuffed and shit by police fdfjdhjhwdj

text message: to the jaethots i said “lol”

song you listened to: shape of you

time you cried: dont @ me for this but i cried when kenia booked her flight to dallas cuz im a p*ssy

HAVE YOU EVER

dated someone twice: nuh uh

kissed someone and regretted it: nuh uh

been cheated on: nuh uh

lost someone special: yes, if this means they died :( RIP cousin Lori .....ily

been depressed: yeah but it was mild,, i do have anxiety tho that can get baby depressive. its called ranch dressing depression cuz its mild

gotten drunk and thrown up: yeth BUT i think it was cuz my cousin forcefed me like 12 pieces of garlic bread 

3 FAVORITE COLORS

PINK!!!

blue!!

yellow!!!

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

made new friends: my closest friends r the ones ive made in the past year tbh wish i had more time w them b4 college starts!!!

fallen out of love: no cuz i dont feel emotions 

laughed until you cried: honestly,, like once or twice a week cuz i think everything funny

found out someone was talking about you: nah but i know the jaethots have a second group chat w/out me where they just talk about how im pretty and cool

met someone who changed you: yee it was an acting teacher and she just totally changed how i thot about acting and i became more confident w it

found out who your friends are: BITCH...,,..........,,. YES I FUCKING HAVE,,,,..........

kissed someone on your Facebook list: yep smooch smooch

GENERAL

how many Facebook friends do you know in real life: pretty much all of them? except for maybe some random relatives

do you have any pets: i have a beautiful betta fish his name is Drew P. Weiner and he’s so sweet.. he comes up to the glass when i walk by and hes rlly active and cute!!!!!! i love him !!!!

do you want to change your name: no i honestly love my name (lucy for the fakes) i think its rlly pretty

what did you do for your last birthday: i had a big party and invited like 50 ppl but only around half showed up but it was fun we had smores and wii!!

what time did you wake up: idk time is an illusion

what were you doing at midnight last night: i was falling asleep watching mothra vs. godzilla

name something you can’t wait for: KENIA @minsbugi COMING TO DALLAS!!!!! I LOVE MY MASTER DADDY<3333

when was the last time you saw your mom: like 30 minutes ago

what are you listening to right now: my kkt blowing up guess i better check it cuz im popular

have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes my chemistry teacher tom asher.... he the best science teacher i ever had and i miss him!! love that dude

something that is getting on your nerves: umm nothing rlly?? ooh wait a boy just played w my friends heart and that has me angry

most visited website: tumblr, youtube, & logic-puzzles.org im not joking i nut for logic puzzles im exposing myself as lonely nerd and for being unfaithful to spider solitaire

hair color: brown

long or short hair: long

do you have a crush on someone: yes on all of the jaethots cuz they r all the full package!

what do you like about yourself: im funny and my hair is pretty and my smile is big

blood type: b for bofa deez nuts (idk actually) (O? maybe?)

nickname: lulu, luc, whore, limpdick motherfucker

relationship status: married to my wife,,, @bae-jy we love each other

zodiac: capricorn on the cob

pronouns: she/her

favorite tv show: AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER ... arrested development,,,..its always sunny in philadelphia 

tattoos: none but i want one of texas cuz i lov my state

right or left handed: right, so im not going to hell

surgery: never had one no thanks

sport: i played basketball in elementary school for 5 years lmaoooooo

vacation: i was just in wisconsin!! my second home! love it there 

pair of shoes: my LL Bean flip flops and my nike tennis shoes r all i wear lmao

MORE GENERAL

eating: i had tex mex,,, enchiladas

drinking: had lemonade

I’m about to: fart. ok did it

waiting for: kenia..... to get to dallas

want: a one.... haha

get married: YES PLS!!!!!! I Want children and everything... family is rlly important to me

career: writing comedy for tv 

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses: hugs.. i love hugs!!!

lips or eyes: eyes...... 

shorter or taller: taller pls

older or younger: older i dont need high school boys

nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS!!! love me some biceps.. but i love cute tummies

hook up or relationship: relationship def

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant..stay safe

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger: nuh uh

drank hard liquor: yes im naughty

lost glasses/contact lenses: i think a pair of glasses is lost rn but i dont want to look for them cuz then it will confirm that theyre missing

turned someone down: yes....

 sex on the first date: never even been on a date sooooooo

broken someone’s heart: no lol

had your heart broken: i would say by a friend.. not in a romantic way

been arrested: nuh uh

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: yes im in love with @bae-jy and @kimsjaehwan they r beautiful and kind and funny and smart and im love them

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself: depends on the day

miracles: yeah i think so

love at first sight: i dont sorry !!! i know u all think ur in lvoe with me after seeing me selfies

santa clause: no im not SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD

kiss on the first date: yeh i would

angels: yes..... @jaehwn and @dearlydaehwi are definitely angels.... love yall

OTHER

eye color: doodoo brown

favorite movie: the goonies!! and also spirited away and ponyo and jurassic park 

im going to tag alllll the jaethaggies bc fuck u i dont rmr who done it or not bc when have i ever not been confused or known anything and yall wanna read this anyways

i have none friends 

@king-jaehwan @jaehwn @kimsjaehwan @dearlydaehwi @minsbugi @bae-jy

but i prob tagged u in this already anyway

[ciathyzareposts]

Game 121: Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist (1993): Introduction

by Alex

Hello there, dear The Adventure Gamer family. I am back after a long absence to review another game, and another Al Lowe game, but this time it’s not an entry in the Leisure Suit Larry series. No, I’m leaving my polyester pal behind and traveling to the old west to play Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist, Mr. Lowe and co.’s 1993 outing in the Sierra adventure game library. There was a CD-ROM version (more on this later), with voices and everything, released in 1994, but I’m playing the DOS version, mainly because I’m not a huge fan of CD-ROM games.

1993 is smack in the middle of the golden age of Sierra adventure games, which I contend lasted until 1996. You might disagree with me, and I’m sure will let me know in the comments below, but that’s what makes life interesting, right? And we all need a little adventure, uncertainty, and chaos in our lives right about now.

Well actually, no. I certainly don’t! Thankfully, I live out in the middle of nowhere, USA, where nothing happens and we like it like that, but life has certainly been adventurous, uncertain, and chaotic enough for me and my family, thank you very much! We’re all fine, and I hope you are too. But with civil society is crumbling all around me, there’s nothing better to do than fire up an old adventure game and blog about it. So here we go.

The last game I blogged about for The Adventure Gamer was Quest for Glory III: Wages of War back in 2018. In the interim, my wife and I had another child, started a business, and I’ve published two novels, with another novel and a non-fiction book set to publish before the year is up. Plus, I got to meet Joe Pranevich in person, which was really cool. But how many adventure games did I play during this time? With the exception of the first two Quest for Glory games with my son, zero. So I’ve been busy. If both my adventure gaming prowess and my writing are rusty, please bear with me as I play myself back into shape.

Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist—and I’m sorry, every time I hear the name Pharkas all I can think of is Scott Farkus, the bully who tormented Ralphie, his brother, and their friends in A Christmas Story.

This guy.

Anyway, Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist is Al Lowe’s homage to comedy westerns a la Mel Brooks’s popular 1974 comedy Blazing Saddles. Would you believe I have never seen Blazing Saddles? I know Gene Wilder’s in it, there’s a gigantic Indian named Mongo that punches his horse, that Cleavon Little’s character gets called the N-word a lot (which means this movie is probably not long for this world), and that the central bit of humor is a gigantic fart joke.

Al Lowe

So, yes, no wonder Al Lowe wanted to make his own version of it. That sort of humor is right up Lowe’s alley. I didn’t intend that to sound dirty, but since we’re talking about an Al Lowe game, all of our minds immediately went to the gutter (don’t lie).

But Lowe wasn’t alone! Oh no, Lowe designed Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist (I’m calling it FPFP from now on because the full title is a real mouthful (fingerful?) to keep on typing) with Josh Mandel. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because he worked on many Sierra games either as a producer, designer, writer, voice actor, artist, or some combination of those roles. Which games? How about Space Quest 6, The Dagger of Amon Ra, King’s Quest V and VI, and EcoQuest: The Search for Cetus. Mandel worked for other companies afterwards, such as Take-Two Interactive and Mattell, but he also lent his voice talents to the fan remakes of the first three King’s Quest games, reunited with Al Lowe on 2013’s Leisure Suit Larry: reloaded, and was a writer on Quest for Glory designer (and sometimes TAG commenter) Lori and Corey Cole’s Quest for Glory quasi-reboot Hero-U: Rogue to Redemption. He was also the model for the coroner in Police Quest III: The Kindred, but the less said about that game, the better.

Josh Mandel

I also think he might like fart jokes.

Before firing up the game, let’s take a look at the manual.

Titled The Modern Day Book of Health and Hygiene, 1881 edition, the manual is presented like an old-time medical—some might say “pseudo-medicine” almanac written by one Hyman J. Lipschitz, M.D., the President of Phrenologists for Health, Enervating Elixers, Longevity, and Mental Energy, aka (sigh) PHEELME.

This guidebook also has a pretty humorous disclaimer on page two:

Note to those people who might think a parody of a quack remedy guide that pretends to be from the 19th Century could really contain factual information but are too stupid to read disclaimers such as this anyway: The information contained herein is absolute and utter balderdash, provided by Sierra On-Line, Inc. for your Entertainment ONLY and to provide information and clues for FREDDY PHARKAS, FRONTIER PHARMACIST. Do not take the medications we prescribe. Do not apply the balms and liniments we describe. Do not attempt the procedures we outline. Do not believe that Manual Labor is still the President of Mexico. Nothing within this pamphlet is accurate and truthful, to the best of our ability. We are being entirely facetious. Do not, repeat DO NOT, use this documentation as a real medical guide! It’s a joke! Okay? Get it?

We get it, Al and Josh, we do. Also: the president of Mexico being named Manual Labor is a precursor to the horrible/awesome name puns that pervade this game.

Anyway, this isn’t so much an instruction booklet on how-to-play, but what I’m assuming is a very elaborate form of copy protection. You see, Part 1, the Pharmacopoeia, describes various chemicals that can be used as medicines, and in some cases, how to make them. They are sometimes funny, and clearly some entries are there just for laughs, but I’m getting serious King’s Quest III vibes from this whole thing.

Excerpt from the Pharmacopoeia

Part 2 features “home procedures” for things like acne, broken bones, and constipation (no coronavirus though). There’s also a (sigh) flatulence spectrometer, where the doctor is advised to catch fart gas in a paper bag or something and burn it in a spectroscope to figure out the exact chemical compound of what is causing the patient to have the vapors. Things like lentils, apples ‘n brown sugar-cinnamon, and meaty by-products, along with the cure. This is the level of humor we’re dealing with, people. It’s an Al Lowe game, what should I expect?

Actually, the manual is pretty funny, full of the dry, straight-faced humor we’ve come to expect from Mr. Lowe, and the kind of humor I actually get a kick out of. It reminds me of Mad Magazine, where the humor is stupid and low-brow, but an intelligent kind of stupid and low-brow. You know what I mean, right?

In any event, it’s time to start this game up.

Hello, old friend.

The familiar Sierra fanfare and accompanying logo always give me all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings, as does the sound and graphical style of the title screen, and I’m particularly excited to delve into Freddy Pharkas (wait, that didn’t come out right . . .) since I’ve never played this game. That’s right! Other than reading about this in Sierra’s InterACTION magazine (Sierra’s version of Nintendo Power) when I was a kid, I have no experience whatsoever with FPFP. I’m playing this blind, and have been looking forward to this for quite some time.

This issue right here—I wish I still had it, but scans of it are available at Al’s site

I decide to check out the game’s prologue, and am treated to a well-written and well-composed Western ballad detailing the life of one former famous gunslinger Freddy Pharkas and how he came to be a one-eared pharmacist in the frontier town of Coarsegold, California, a real town near Sierra’s actual location in Oakhurst, California. Coarsegold was apparently also the setting for Sierra’s 1981 On-Line Adventure #3: Cranston Manor, which TAG reviewer Joe Pranevich is yet to review.

The ballad is quite good and humorous while packing in a lot of backstory (kind of like this post). Al Lowe wrote the music—although future Quest for Glory IV composer Aubrey Hodges is the main composer for this game—and Lowe and Mandel both wrote the lyrics. I’ve reprinted the lyrics below so you understand the game’s premise, interspersed with screenshots from the intro (follow the bouncing ball!)

He was born in old St Louie, By the age of four Dad knew he was the Best little crackshot the West had ever seen. By the time he reached pubescence, He could outshoot all the adolescents West of Durango and north of Abilene.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Famous gunslingin’ deputy. Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas, Frontier hero-to-be.

Then one day young Freddy Pharkas Stared at eyes as black and dark as night, the Eyes of an outlaw, well-known throughout the West. Oh, the tough kid’s name was Kenny, And he outdrew Freddy Pharkas, when he Shot Freddy’s ear off to prove who was the best.

Now our hero, Freddy Pharkas, With wounded pride and earless carcass, Vowed to the heavens to give up gunnery. He’d be better off, he reckoned, With the lifelong dream that always beckoned: Pestles, not pistols, and pharmacology.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas, Highest score on his S.A.T., Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Five-year college degree.

After Fred matriculated, Got his Ph.D. and graduated, Moved out to Coarsegold and bought a pharmacy. He’s a real prescription writer, And they don’t know he’s an ex-gunfighter, Locked up his mem’ries, repressed them totally.

But his peaceful new survival Soon was shot to hell upon arrival Of Coarsegold’s schoolmarm, the sweet Penelope. She has captured Fred’s affection, But he’s scared he’ll get a huge …rejection, Can’t bear to tell her just what he used to be.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Frontier Pharmacist bourgeoisie, Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Peerless, earless, and free!

The CD-ROM version is apparently sung by Al Lowe himself, because as he describes on his website, everyone thought he had a “funny voice.” You can read all about it, and listen to the ballad, here.

Act I then begins, making me think this game is going to be chapter-based, and you are taken to Coarsegold’s main street as someone is boarding up a building, where a toothless old coot named Whittlin’ Willy starts to tell you all about ol’ Freddy.

Nope, not sitting on your lap. Not getting anywhere NEAR that lap, thanks.

I gain control of Freddy and check the interface. The standard Sierra point-and-click icons are there (Walk, Look, Action, Speak, Inventory), and I take a moment to click the Action icon on various things, which may-or-may-not have included Freddy’s man-region.

I mean, it’s an Al Lowe game. I kind of had to.

There are no surprises, which works for me as this interface generally works really well. In my inventory I only have the key to Freddy’s pharmacy. I’m looking forward to inventory gags, as Al Lowe’s Leisure Suit Larry V was full of humorous messages—each unique!—when you clicked any item on any other item in your inventory. I hope this attention to detail, and bad jokes, carries over to FPFP.

And of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there is a (sigh) Golden Balls Saloon.

This humor style, of course, is par for the course and I don’t view it as a negative per se. I groan and cringe at these kinds of jokes, but I actually like them. They’re generally harmless and Al always seemed like a good guy who just like getting a few yuks out of gamers.

Here he is, describing the inspiration for FPFP:

“In 1992, I noticed that there wasn’t a single Western computer game, even though Western movies had been popular off and on for years. But I wanted to make a humorous Western. What sort of Western could be funny? While discussing this with Roberta Williams, I started to say ‘farmer’ but my mouth tried to say ‘rancher’ and out came a tangled mess that kind of sounded like, ‘farmer-cist.’ Hey! A pharmacist? Why not? Thus was born Freddy Pharkas, Frontier Pharmacist!

I think it may well be my funniest game, due in great part to the wit of Josh Mandel. Computer Gaming World called it ‘The Blazing Saddles of computer games’ (see box cover below) which I considered perfect praise since that movie was my inspiration.”

Funniest gmae, huh? I sure hope so! Leisure Suit Larry has its moments, but nothing is really laugh out loud funny. Maybe FPFP will be. We’ll see!

I have high hopes reading this bit of trivia from Josh Mandel:

“Mandel had explained in a commentary the reason why there were so many more jokes in the Floppy Disk version as compared to the CD-ROM version of the game, ‘I had co-designed, directed, produced, and written the floppy version; there were no plans at all, at the time, to produce a CD version. When sales of the floppy version justified a CD version, I was no longer available to produce and direct it, having by then started on SQ6. Al Lowe was then tapped to do the casting and recording of the CD version, but the game already had so much text in it that, when it came time to record the inventory text, Al just stopped—he was, he said, tired of sitting in the sound studio. As I had written the vast majority of the game’s text and dialogue, I pointed out to him that, in the process of cutting roughly 15% of the game’s text from the recording, he’d not only left out many jokes, but many clues and hints as well.’”

And like I said, I’m playing the DOS version, so not only will I not be missing out on “clues and hints,” I’ll be getting all the jokes as well. Oh boy!

Mind you, I have no clue what the plot is, but I’m eager to hop in and see what Coarsegold has to offer. If there are references I don’t get in my posts, please let me know. I’m a medium-sized Western fan. I love the idea and image and aesthetic of cowboys and the American west, I’ve seen several John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies, and I have some Louis L’Amour paperbacks I need to get around to reading, but I’m no expert or connoisseur of the Western genre. Then again, I’m no expert or connoisseur of the adventure game genre and that doesn’t stop me from writing about, so maybe I have nothing to worry about.

Anyway, time to saddle up and play. See you next time, pardner! Yee haw, yippie-ki-yi-yay, and all that jazz.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/game-121-freddy-pharkas-frontier-pharmacist-1993-introduction/