#losing faith is kinda bittersweet anymore

[kennothythebard]

Hi hello, random do you have any OC’s you’d like to share about or stories you’ve worked on that you’d like to talk about?

I hope you have a lovely day!

Thanks for the ask! I was about to respond in the negative but then I realized I technically do, it's just I don't usually think of them like OCs which is totally bizarre??? Anyway

(placed under a read more bc this got LONG)

My main medium of choice is playwriting and I have written some stuff. I wrote a musical starting when I was like 16 and finished the first draft of the libretto when I was in college, but I kinda dropped it shortly after that point because when I went off to grad school I just didn't have time to work on and edit it. But it was called losing faith and it's about this girl named faith who goes to a catholic school who accidentally tells people she doesn't believe in god and the fallout that arises from that. It was very much an exploration of being a teenager and feeling isolated and coming to terms with queerness and all that. I actually reread that script recently and its not as bad as I feared it might be, just needs some work. I love talking about them but I could literally spend hours talking about this story (i think i made an askblog at one point? lowkey cringe but eh what can you do we are all cringe) so i'll leave it at that The thing that I've done the most writing for recently has been the SCP Foundation, where I'm like a solid D-list tale author, though I've been off the site for a bit bc grad school. I had a couple of tale series I was really proud of, most notably the stuff in a series I created called UnHuman (which eventually became a canon). The basic premise of the setting was it was a post-apocalyptic world where only anomalous things survived (anything "fully human" perished in the apocalypse, which most survivors don't actually know what it is and call it "the calamity"), and the foundation and like every group basically is gone but tone is fairly light (it's v inspired by kipo and the age of wonderbeasts, fallout, adventure time and the like). My flagship series for that canon is Goodbye Nightflower, which is about two young women of unclear anomalous origin named Mio and Gabriella who know nothing about the world they live in and so decide to run away from home and make a documentary about their experiences, but they run into a zombie "promethean" named Nitro (pronounced with a short i) and a crab monster that, due to eir name being unpronounceable in human noises, the girls decide to dub Sebastian. I only have four tales of that out but i have SO MANY PLANS for these dummies i love them so so so much Nitro is just an absolute stoic only man who's like "in the wasteland... you can't trust no one but yourself...." and sebastian is just this gentleman ball of sunshine who's like "hi nitro and I trust each other with our lives and we would do anything for each other :)" and the girls are learning SO MUCH and the setting!!! I HAVE PLANS IM JUST BAD AT THE FOLLOW THROUGH. if you wanna start reading that you can check that out here or if you wanna just like check out my other scp stuff that's all available here and if you really like my stuff for some reason theres even a cheeky little kofi link at the bottom but absolutely no pressure

There's also like OCs from like little projects. I have this trio of friends from a short play that I wrote where it's a gay enby and the crush they have on their somewhat oblivious bi himbo friend and also the enby's roommate who's a chaotic lesbian and i love her but like after the play was done im like "i wanna follow these folks more" and have fruitlessly been planning follow up short plays and ahhh. and there are even more but they're not quite as interesting but im always happy to talk about them

in fact im always happy to talk about any of my ocs and stories, hence this overly long answer, and if you feel like knowing more about any of this, feel free to send another ask or a dm, i always love talking about things. thanks so much for the ask!!!!

[rindough]

!!!THIS HAS SOME SPOILERS SO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS!!! Still life by Sitcom kinda reminds me of Aventurine or maybe it's because i have huge Aven brainrot and just pair him with one of the songs i like but the lyrics saying wanting to walk away from the chaos of life and into a peaceful landscape and also the lyrics "I walk into the distance until I become the distance" reminded me of the end cutscene in the story but again idk i just want to comfort him :')

oh my god this one YES ANON ykno when i played the trailblazer quest, it's just so wholesome whenever i see kakavasha and it gets bittersweet n melancholy everytime aven meets mini kakavasha. especially at the part by the black hole?? god now talking abt it i just wanna *balls fist with tears*

but i feel like aven is ALWAYS on edge, he doesn't show it but as he's granted with the luck to always win, he'll never know when will it be his final token to be a winner, he'll always and forever be on edge as he will never know when it's his turn to lose. and that uncertainty scares him, it makes him wanna run away and never look back, never have to fear creeping up on him or someone watching him, trying to have a glimpse of his so far yet so near downfall.

no matter how hard he holds to dear life on his chip, he knows he can never change what faith he has, he can never change god's mind if the god of sigonia ever decides to end his luck right then and there in the middle of a bet.

he thought he'd be able to live through that surge of adrenaline, that feel of giddiness... but over time, it all gets too tiring, too taxing for him to keep up. bet after bet, months after months, he feels like nothing, not even dr. ratio could pull him out of his misery. at this point there was no turning back. his life, his character, his label, it's all do-or-die, all YOLO written on it already.

a hug? i think he needs more than a hug, he needs to get a full on breakdown, weeks of crying, constant warmth and comfort, to let all of his fears be pulled inside out in order to feel safe again. to feel as if he's no longer needed to put himself on the edge of a knife anymore, no longer having to sacrifice himself anymore.

that's why i believe he did what he did at the end :( ok correct me if im wrong, it's been a while since that scene but... he wants most ties to be cut loose, he wants to be free and live according to his will.

[pipipinyyy]

Explaining why I have added every song in my entire and very long Niragi playlist because I can and because over analyzing him is my passion (I usually update it from time to time but I'll do it with the current songs)

Completely self indulgent post, but I decided to share to feed my fellow Niragi stans (*˙︶˙*)☆*°

This is entirely based on my view of the songs and how I interpret them while thinking about Niragi. I'm aware that most of them have entirely different meanings, this is just for fun :) (Also sorry if my explanations don't make much sense, English is not my first language and I might make mistakes when trying to put my feelings and thoughts into words)

This may contain manga/s2 spoilers

Hayloft-Mother Mother: Vibes

Criminal-Britney Spears: The whole song describes him ("he is a sucker with a gun") and the fandom's obsession ("mama I'm in love with a criminal")

Daddy Issues-The Neighborhood: I feel like he would act like this, using the most vulnerable spots to pick on someone ("cry little girl, nobody does it like you do")

Psycho-Jin Dogg, OVER KILL: Vibes

Riot-Hollywood Undead: He'd definitely start a riot like he did in the 10 of hearts, burning and destroying anything that crosses his path

Bitches-Mindless Self Indulgence: He most likely thinks he's a total fuckboy and popular with girls since he can get almost anything he wants out of scarying people

Baby's on Fire-Die Antwoord: Vibes

Insane in the Brain-Cypress Hill: This man is being consumed by his own way of protecting himself

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Set It Off: Based on how he feels towards the people who hurt him in the past ("Listen, mark my words, one day, you will pay" "You've always been a huge piece of shit, if I could kill you, I would" "Karma is gonna come collect your debt")

Death no more-IC3PEAK: Vibes

Gasoline-I Prevail: Sort of similar to Riot, ("So burn it all down, burn it all down, I don't give a fuck")

Toxic-Britney Spears: The whole fandom knows how much of a piece of shit this dude can be, but we still find ourselves liking/enjoying his character (to an extent), a toxic addiction

Nice Guy-GRLwood: As much as I love this man, he'd use the "I'm a nice guy c'mon" card just to fuck. If he wants to, he'll get it, if he doesn't, he'll most likely get mad

Dernière danse-Indila: Vibes

TRRST-IC3PEAK: Mostly vibes, I kinda see this song as how he felt the first time he killed someone on purpose inside the borderlands ("mama they say I'm a terrorist, I did nothing wrong but I got on the blacklist")

Saint Bernard-Lincoln: Vibes

Nowhere To Run-Stegosaurus Rex: Being with him at the Beach would either be ignoring each other completely or a game of tag, no inbetween. If this man wants to kill you, he'll get his fun time out of it as well ("You're gonna die, I'm gonna kill you")

The House of Wolves-Bring Me The Horizon: Based on how he sees life after being consumed by his current mental state ("Show me a sign, show me a reason to give a solitary fuck about your god damn beliefs" "What you call faith, I call a sorry excuse")

Smells Blood-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

SIU-Maretu: Similar to Daddy Issues, don't expect this man to be a therapist. If he sees anyone crying or panicking in or outside a game, he'd most likely tell them to suck it up, just like this song.

Judgement-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

MONSTER ENERGY GUN!-KevinKempt: Vibes + He for sure has an energy drink addiction, specially pre-borderlands

HURT-1 800 PAIN: Vibes

Fear Is The Mind Killer-Zheani: Vibes

I Bet on Losing Dogs: Based on how I know Niragi is toxic, and most likely unsaveable of his deteriorating mental state, but I still have him as my biggest comfort character ("I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place")

Emo Boy-Ayesha Erotica: He's been in an emo phase (and maybe still is), the lyrics are pretty self explanatory, they describe us Niragi simps perfecrly ("come on fuck me emo boy")

Crybaby-Destroy Boys: Vibes

The Fox's Wedding-MASA Works DESIGEN: Vibes

You're a useless child-Kikuo: We don't know much about his past, but judging by the unstoppable bullying he's suffered, his parents didn't care about him, or were straight up absent. He's been insulted by pretty much everyone in his past to the point of believing it and telling those things to himself ("You're a useless child, the most useless child in this world" "Drool in snot, dandruff, shit and piss" "I'm a useless child" "Nobody will save me" "I'm a lonely kid")

Take A Slice-Glass Animals: Vibes

Fighting With The Melody-Jimmy Urine: Vibes

Comics-Caravan Palace: Vibes

Rhinestone Eyes-Gorillaz: Vibes

Butch 4 Butch-Rio Romero: Mostly vibes, sort of how I think the most "peacefull" moments in a relationship with him would feel like, kind of bittersweet feeling

Suki Suki Daisuki-Jun Togawa: Yandere Niragi. If he's interested in someone, he'd go through an obsessive phase, most likely forcing the other person to "love" him. This man is so confused about the feeling of love that he's unable to tell when he loves someone or when he's obsessed with them due to his lack of attention ("Like you, like you, I love you. Say you love me or I'll kill you")

:(-The Garden: Vibes

Kitty City-Cyriak Harris: Vibes

Blood-My Chemical Romance: If Niragi went to a therapist, he'd act like this song, with his signature cocky and sarcastic personality (at least before he gets better) ("I can't control myself because I don't know how" "They can fix me proper with a bit of luck" "I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love")

A Mask of My Own Face-Lemon Demon: He feels like he needs to protect himself or else he will get hurt inside the borderlands by others again. He uses another personality, a completely ruthless one, even if he doesn't like it and hates himself for it, he doesn't see another way to deal with his fear, allowing his "new self" to consume himself. ("I'd wear that mask of my own face" "I look into my eyeholes and what do I see? A handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me")

I'm a Murderer-Freddie Dredd: Mostly vibes ("I'm a motherfucking murderer")

'Cause I'm a Liar-Mcki Robyns-P: He would lie just for fun even in serious situations. If he needs to manipulate someone to survive, he'll do it his way, after all, he doesn't care anymore, he just seeks for excitement. ("Without emotion, without devotion. It's much easier to fake something happy")

I Disagree-Poppy: I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like this is how he sees and feels the world and those around him, feeling misunderstood and going his own way ("If only all of you could see the world I see, then maybe everyone could live in harmony")

Personal Jesus-Mindless Self Indulgence: He has a superiority complex, that's for sure. I don't think he sees himself as a god, but I see him joking about it

Rainbow Factory-GLAZE, WoodenToaster: Vibes

Frontier Psychiatrist-The Avalanches: I kinda see this as Aguni taking the role of Niragi's "father figure" inside the borderlands, realizing he's turning insane and is unable to control him ("That boy needs therapy")

Hate it. Hate it. "JIGAHIDAI!"-WADATAKEAKI Kurage P: Jealousy. I can see it either in a pre-borderland situation where he hates the popular students in school, or inside the borderlands hating both Chishiya and Arisu. Jealousy takes over him constructing a big ego, causing himself to develop his superiority complex ("You see, I hate that popular girl!" "Does she think I don't notice? How she looks at me as if I'm trash" "I want to be praised" "I'm different from you all, I have my own ego! I'm not a side character" "I have zero common sense. I'm special")

Villain-Stella Jang: He knows damn well he's a villain, that's his goal after all, but what if someone took his point of view? wouldn't the villains be all of those who hurted him in the first place? ("We all pretend to be the heroes on the good side, but what if we are the villains on the other")

Violent-carolesdaughter: This is how I view an argument inside a relationship with Niragi. He's used to violence, to cause fear, and getting what he wants, so being in a healthy relationship would require a lot of patience and strenght. While he's getting better and suppressing those violent actions, there will be times where he accidentally uses violence or threatens the other person unintentionally, mostly hurting himself and his partner psychologically. The lyrics change between both points of view ("Don't make me get violent, I want my ring back baby that's a diamond" "She knows I'm a wreck" "I gave you all my trust and I told you just don't break it")

Hey Bunny-Baby Bugs: Based on how I think it would feel to partner up with him inside the borderlands and catching feelings for him while knowing the huge mess he is ("Hey bunny, what's with those evil eyes?" "Hey bunny, what the hell is wrong with us?" "Hey bunny, what if I loose you too? If I become the monster, together we can always be blue")

Kokoronashi-majiko: I'm pretty sure Niragi isn't able to see himself as someone able to love, even if he doesn't want to be alone (just like when he confesses this feeling while fighting with Chishiya and Arisu). If someone truly loved him and was willing to not letting him go, it would hurt. He can't see himself as someone who can love or be loved, so he can't accept the love he's seeking for in case that turns him "weaker" making his true self confront with the protective mean personality he's created. He could learn how to accept it, so he might want the other person to stay in the end, but it wouldn't be easy for him to accept it ("It's awful, I'd rather you destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please" "No matter how much I'm loved by you, my heart is just one" "I don't know this, don't leave me alone")

Nightmare Parade-FAKE TYPE.: Vibes

Slipping Through My Fingers-Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried: Niragi seeing himself loosing his young, gentle and caring personality due to his fear, being unable to control what's happening inside, nostalgia and sadness kicking in ("The feeling that I'm loosing her forever" "That funny little girl" "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time")

Kuroneko No Tango-Pink Martini, The Von Trapps: Vibes

YKWIM?-Yot Club: Him confroting his feelings of loneliness when he's left alone with his thoughts ("It feels like I care too much when I'm alone, oh no")

Romantic Lover-Eyedress: Just appreciating his physical appearance ("She's a killer, I love her features")

Wrecking Ball-Mother Mother: Based on how he sees himself as someone who needs to destroy everything in a way or another in order to be powerful + the fun he has with it ("Call me a reckless wrecking ball" "Let's break it just because we can")

Edge-Rezz: Vibes

Freaks-Surf Curse: Again, confronting feelings when loving someone, but not in such a painful as Kokoronashi ("I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face" "Don't cry, I'm just a freak")

Little Bit-Lykke Li: Vibes

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con)-Will Wood and the Tapeworms: Vibes

PHONKY TOWN-PlayaPhonk: Vibes

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE-Måneskin: Freaky time. He would absolutely love this song, definitely his type of thing ("You could be the beauty and I could be the monster" "I wanna touch your body so fucking electric" "I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed you")

#BrooklynBloodPop!-SyKo: Vibes

A Cold Freezin' Night-The Books: Vibes

A Pearl-Mitski: My most favorite song to associate with Niragi. Represents his evolution as a character. Creating an scenario where he is loved by someone,he rejects it at first, acting tough ("I don't want your touch") and then proceeds to explain why ("It's just that I fell in love with a war, nobody told me it ended" "it left a pearl in my hand and I roll it around every night just to watch it glow") the war being the borderlands and his new personality, he loved it, but nobody drew a line and it's getting out of hand. The pearl is the feeling of power, the one he has to remember when feeling weak just to feel something. At the end of the song it changes to ("Sorry I can't take your touch"), realizing that he wants love, but he's not able to take it or else he'll become the Niragi from the past

Problematic-Bo Burnham: Him acknowledging his problematic actions but not wanting to apologize because he doesn't feel the need to. He knows he's done bad things but he is going to laugh at it and be a sarcastic mf about it

First Love/Late Spring-Mitski: Similar to Kokoronashi, he wouldn't be able to accept love and how it makes him feel. He would think that he prefers for everyone to hate him and be lonely instead of sacrificing his tougher side. Also talks about how he's grown way too quickly for him to understand feelings properly ("So please hurry leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me" "One word from you and I would jump out of this ledge I'm on baby" "I was so young when I behaved 25, yet now I find I've grown into a tough child"

The Other Side Of Paradise-Glass Animals: Vibes

Bodybag-Chloe Moriondo: How I feel about liking his character, confronting feelings basically ("Don't know if I hate you or if I wanna date you" "I don't wanna like you, I just wanna tie you up, then keep you in a cage and watch you sleep for ages"

Get Into It (Yuh)-Doja Cat: Vibes

Psycho Killer-2005 Remaster- Talking Heads: Vibes

HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U!!!-CORPSE, Night Lovell: Vibes

INFERNO-Sub Urban, Bella Poarch: Again, another song that describes him pretty well ("Baby I'm the reason why hell's so hot" "Terribly like terrible, she's a villain" "Think I'm getting butterflies but it's really something telling me to run away")

Bad Morning-Omori: Vibes

Trouble Brewing: Vibes

Dueles Tan Bien-Bruses: Another song about my confronting feelings with this man ("You know what? You taste better than alcohol to me. You know that and you've got control" "Because you hurt, and you hurt so good that I don't know what to do")

And that's it!! This took me the whole day to write but it makes me very happy to be able to share it :)

I've you've read the entire thing, hope you enjoyed the character analysis! ლ(◞‿◟ლ)

[maryqueenofmurder]

Impulse x Grian x Ren

Part 1:  Impulse x Grian x Ren

Part 2:  Impulse x Grian x Ren

Part 3:  Impulse x Grian x Ren

Part 4:  Impulse x Grian x Ren

Part 5:  Impulse x Grian x Ren

Part 6:  Impulse x Grian x Ren

News about the new couple and how they got together spread quickly. Hermits would thank and congratulate Impulse on finally setting up the two. Somehow it didn’t feel as good as he thought it would.

Impulse had been feeling down recently. That was why he was sitting on top of Tek To The Skies at five AM. Ren and Grian had been the epitome of a happy couple since they got together, and it was starting to grate on his nerves. It felt like there was a pit in his stomach that he couldn’t get rid of.

Impulse had started avoiding the hippie camp when he could. He’d miss out on campfire sessions by showing up late or not at all. When he was at the hippie camp, he’d work on his redstone projects. Since Grian and Ren were so caught up with each other, progress had been slowing. They couldn’t afford to let Area 77 get ahead, or they may never catch up.

This had all been taking a toll on Impulse’s health, mental and physical. He never had the best sleep schedule, but he was perpetually tired now.  Balancing all his projects was never easy, and he had to make sure they were perfect, as the tiniest mistake in redstone could render the whole thing inoperable. He was irritable from missing his friends and lack of sleep.  Impulse had been spending more time with Tango and Zedaph recently.

Despite trying to avoid the hippie camp, Ren, and Grian as best he could, Impulse kept ending back up there. He tried to tell himself that he was just avoiding the suspicion that would come with not showing up, and that he needed to keep Area 77 on its toes, but really he just missed his hippie friends too much to stay away for too long.

Impulse heard the faint sounds of rockets, which grew louder. Tango landed nearby Tek to the Skies, and walked towards. He was probably going to restock it. Impulse debated saying hi. It didn’t matter what he decided, because Tango caught sight of him.

Tango got closer to the shop, glanced up, continued walking, then did an impressive double take. As it was, Impulse barely cracked a small smile. Tango backpedaled, then stared at him for a moment.

“If you’re waiting for a certain builder to get his supply of rockets, I’m afraid you’re a few days too early.” Tango called up.

“Nah,” Impulse said. “I’m just sitting up here.” Tango frowned. He flew up top and sat down next to Impulse. Tango kicked his legs slightly, before leaning back.

“What’s wrong?” Tango asked.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Impulse objected. Tango snorted.

“Which is why you’re sitting up here at five in the morning.” Tango said.

“You’re here at five in the morning.” Impulse said.

“I am restocking. You are just sitting here.” Tango said.

“Just. Feeling weird, that’s all.” Impulse admitted.

“Are you sick?” Tango asked, leaning away slightly.

“No. Feeling weird emotionally.” Impulse said.

“Okay. Let’s see if we can sort some of these feelings out.” Tango said. Impulse nodded hesitantly. “Okay. How about the whole Hippies versus Area 77 thing you guys have got going on?”

“I don’t think Doc and Scar should take other people’s property.” Impulse stated immediately. Tango raised an eyebrow. “It does make things kind of awkward when we run into each other.” Impulse admitted.

“I’ve noticed that you’re doing a lot of redstone projects. Well, a lot of redstone projects for the amount of other things you’re doing as well. Maybe you’re overstressed from that?” Tango suggested.

“I am stressed, yeah, but I’ve been stressed before, and this? This isn’t it.” Impulse said.

“What about Ren and Grian getting together?” Tango asked. He was determined to get to the bottom of Impulse’s troubles!

“They make me feel kind of sad, but happy? Bittersweet, maybe.” Impulse sighed. “Just. Weird.”

“Sounds a lot like someone’s jealous~” Tango snickered.

“I mean yeah, kinda. I’m worried that… that they won’t have time for me anymore, now that they’re dating.” Impulse said slowly.

Tango sat forward. “Don’t think like that. They may be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, but they’ll still have time for you. Even if they get a bit caught up in each other. You might have to third wheel for a bit, but it’ll be fine.” He reassured Impulse.

“I just- We have to redefine the boundaries in our friendship now. Whether we’re friends first and lovers second or not. Will they need time to be together without me? I don’t want to intrude, or mess things up and lose them.” Impulse was distressed, and spilled his troubles to Tango like water from an upturned pitcher.

“Hey, what’s the matter? You didn’t act like that when Zed and I got together… Did you? Did you just hide it from us?” Tango was disturbed and worried that Impulse had been hurting and he -they- didn’t notice.

“No, I didn’t. I guess I was more… assured? Does that make sense? I knew that you guys wouldn’t exclude me, you just had something else with each other that wasn’t friendship. Unless you guys had the mother of all blowouts or something then we’d all be friends, even if you two broke up. I haven’t known Grian and Ren for as long, so I’m worried their relationship might break our friendship. Or that I might, with all my weird feelings about them.” Impulse confessed, worried.

“Okay. Let’s start with the weird feelings part. Do they make you nervous?” People were usually nervous around crushes, Tango told himself, and, well, Impulse did seem to be crushing a bit.

“No. Not usually. Sometimes one or both of them will do something that makes me flustered, like Ren grabbing my hand, or Grian’s smile, but they don’t often make me nervous.  It feels nice to be around them.”  Impulse said, smiling the whole time.

He is head over heels. Tango mused. The strength of Impulse’s feelings surprised him, even though he thought there would be something there.

 “It’s probably because they’re hot.” Impulse mentioned offhandedly.

That blunt comment threw Tango for a loop. For a second all he could do was stare at Impulse, dumbfounded. It also, unfortunately, caused his internal monologue to briefly become his outer monologue.

“What!?” Tango squeaked. Impulse had outright admitted that he found them hot. Was he seriously that oblivious?

Impulse gave him an odd look.

“I’m comfortable enough in my own sexuality to say that they’re hot. I’m bi, not blind. That’s probably why I get nervous around them sometimes.” Impulse said.

“Well, how do you feel about them, then?” Tango asked another question, just to confirm.

“I just feel comfortable with them. Like I could be open and vulnerable, and they’d protect me. It feels like we fit together so well, like three parts of the same whole. Like I’ve known them for a long time.” Impulse admitted.  His lips unconsciously formed a grin.

“Well, Impulse, that sounds a lot like a crush.” Tango said. Hopefully Impulse will be receptive to the idea, if I say it bluntly enough.

“I don’t know, I want to hold their hands, and cuddle, and listen to them talk. About their day, the things that interest them, their ridiculous flirting I would love to take part in-” His eyes widened.

“I do have a crush on them. Ugh.” He buried his face in his hands. “Why. This is awful.”

“It can’t be that bad, Impulse.” Tango said concernedly.

“I set my two crushes up together. My two crushes are dating. I am going to be so awkward around them that they’ll eventually decide I’m too weird and gradually stop talking to me and the Hippie Camp will fall apart and I’ll never see them again-” Impulse had started spiraling at this point.

“Hey. Calm down. You know they wouldn’t do that to you.” Tango placed a hand on Impulse’s back. “Breathe.”

Impulse sucked in a heavy breath. “You’re right,” He muttered. “I need to have faith in them.” Tango pulls Impulse into a hug, holding him close, and Impulse finally breaks down. Later he’d have to face what he’d done and figure out what to do next, but for now he was content just to cry in Tango’s arms.

[mcnamaste]

Task 001: Character Playlist.

Another case of Affluenza - a Dylan McNamara playlist

Snippets of Lyrics below:

Side A + Dylan’s vibe 

1. all in my head (flex) - Fifth Harmony feat. Fetty Wap

Flex, time to impress Come and climb in my bed Don't be shy, do your thing It's all in my head

fun fact - the original song that they sampled this chorus from actually goes like this: 

Girl flex, time to have sex Long time yuh have di rude bwoy yah a sweat Girl, flex time to have sex Look how long yuh have di rude bwoy a sweat

thanks for coming to my ted talk

2. ain’t my fault - zara larsson 

It ain't my fault you keep turnin' me on It ain't my fault you got, got me so gone It ain't my fault I'm not leavin' alone It ain't my fault you keep turnin' me on I can't talk right now I'm lookin' and I like what I'm seein' Got me feelin' kinda shocked right now Couldn't stop right now Even if I wanted, gotta get it, get it, get it, when it's hot right now Oh my god, what is this? Want you all in my business Baby, I insist Please don't blame me for whatever happens next

3. sugar - Maroon 5

I'm hurting baby, I'm broken down I need your loving, loving I need it now When I'm without you, I'm something weak You got me begging, begging I'm on my knees

4. stupid love - Lady Gaga

You're the one that I've been waiting for Gotta quit this cryin', nobody's gonna Heal me if I don't open the door Kinda hard to believe, gotta have faith in me

 5. desperado - Rihanna 

If you want, we can be runaways Running from any sight of love Yeah, yeah, there ain’t nothin' There ain't nothin' here for me There ain't nothin' here for me anymore But I don't wanna be alone

6. pray for me - The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar

I'm always ready for a war again Go down that road again It's all the same I'm always ready to take a life again You know I'll ride again It's all the same (Ooh, ooh, ooh) Tell me who's gon' save me from myself When this life is all I know Tell me who's gon' save me from this hell Without you, I'm all alone

Who gon' pray for me? Take my pain for me? Save my soul for me? 'Cause I'm alone, you see If I'm gon' die for you If I'm gon' kill for you Then I spilled this blood for you, hey

7. 24k magic - Bruno Mars Pop pop, it's show time (Show time) Show time (Show time) Guess who's back again? Oh they don't know? (Go on tell 'em) Oh they don't know? (Go on tell 'em) I bet they know soon as we walk in (Showin' up) Wearing Cuban links (ya) Designer minks (ya) Inglewood's finest shoes (Whoop, whoop) Don't look too hard Might hurt ya'self Known to give the color red the blues

Ooh shit, I'm a dangerous man with some money in my pocket (Keep up) So many pretty girls around me and they waking up the rocket (Keep up) Why you mad? Fix ya face Ain't my fault y'all be jocking (Keep up)

8. bed - J. Holiday 

Wanna put my fingers through your hair Wrap me up in your legs And love you till your eyes roll back I'm tryna put you to bed, bed, bed I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed Then I'mma rock ya body Turn you over Love is war, I'm your soldier Touchin' you like it's our first time I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed

9. don’t judge me - Janelle Monáe

Even though you tell me you love me I'm afraid that you just love my disguise Taste my fears and light your candle to my raging fire Of broken desire

But don't judge me I know I got issues, but they drown when I kiss you Don't judge me Baptize me with ocean, recognize my devotion

10. the greatest - Sia 

I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest The greatest, the greatest alive

11. love in this club - Usher feat. Young Jeezy 

You say you're searching for somebody that'll take you out and do you right Well, come here, baby and let daddy show you what it feel like You know all you got to do is tell me what you sipping on And I promise that I'm gonna keep it coming all night long

12. u don't have to call - Usher

Aw, girl, your face is saying, "Why?" Tears in eyes Should've been more smart about it Should've cherished me, listening to friends Now it's the end And again, no story can end without it

Side B + Annalise Young (Infidelity & Divorce)

1. forgive me - Chloe x Halle

Baby, what you think this is? Why you wanna plead the fifth? You ain't gotta tell me what it is 'Cause I saw the messages You must got me fucked up You must got me fucked up I think I had enough

So forgive me, forgive me I been goin' too hard in your city So forgive me 'cause I'm not teary Best believe I'll move onto better things

2. makes me wonder - Maroon 5

Wake up, blood-shot eye Struggle to memorize The way it felt between your thighs Pleasure that made you cry It feels so good to be bad Not worth the aftermath, after that, after that Try to get you back

I still don't have a reason And you don't have the time And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you

3. maps - Maroon 5 

I miss the taste of a sweeter life I miss the conversation I'm searching for a song tonight I'm changing all of the stations I like to think that we had it all We drew a map to a better place But on that road I took a fall Oh, baby, why did you run away?

I was there for you In your darkest times I was there for you In your darkest night

But I wonder, where were you? When I was at my worst Down on my knees And you said you had my back So I wonder, where were you?

4. mend this love - Vaults

Take me from the edge Steal a step and lead me back from harm Hold it in your hand Crush it into crumbs like nothing's wrong

And tell me "right what you wanna know? Take what you wanna hide It's too late to mend this love" And tell me "go where you wanna go Break what you never had It's too late to mend this love"

5. wicked game - Chris Isaak 

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you It's strange what desire will make foolish people do I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)

6. love’s divine - Seal

Then the rainstorm came over me And I felt my spirit break I had lost all of my belief, you see And realized my mistake But time threw a prayer to me And all around me became stil

7. beautiful mistakes - Maroon 5 & Megan Thee Stallion

It's beautiful, it's bittersweet You're like a broken home to me I take a shot of memories And black out like an empty street I fill my days with the way you walk And fill my nights with broken dreams I make up lies inside my head Like one day you'll come back to me

8. i’m not the only one - Sam Smith feat. A$AP Rocky

You and me, we made a vow For better or for worse I can't believe you let me down But the proof's in the way it hurts For months on end I've had my doubts Denying every tear I wish this would be over now But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy 'Cause you don't think I know what you've done But when you call me baby I know I'm not the only one

9. perfect illusion - Lady Gaga

I don't need eyes to see I felt you touchin' me High like amphetamine Maybe you're just a dream That's what it means to crush Now that I'm wakin' up I still feel the blow But at least now I know

It wasn't love, it wasn't love It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion) Mistaken for love, it wasn't love It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)

10. don’t walk away - John Legend feat. Koffee

We can't go out like this It's just the two of us We should be making up We could be making love Didn't  used to talk like this Now you say you're giving up Took too much to build this house I don't wanna sit and watch it burn down I ain't leaving, I ain't leaving, I ain't leaving, I ain't giving you space I will not be replaced I don't wanna save face Don't leave me open, leave me open, leave me open, leave me open like that Whatever love we had We need to get it back

11. if I could have you back - Aly & AJ 

On the subject of you being gone forever I still can't believe it, I can't see it I should just stop counting days On the subject of the future Wouldn't it be nice to leave it open ended And pretend it could go either way

If I could have you back again I'd think about it once or twice, I guess If I could have you back I'd reconsider, maybe I'd say yes On the other hand, it would be better to have a life Without the constant indecision over If I could have you back If I could have you back

12. fairplay - Kiana Ledé

I think it's kind of funny You could say you love me Turn around and play me, yeah I think it's kind of funny You say things you don't mean Underestimate me, yeah

I have always done right by you Said you're never going to lie, liar Shit gon' come around full cycle I flip the script on you

Tell me why you mad Tell me why you're hurt Bet you didn't think that the tables would turn You gon' fuck around I'ma do the same How you like that karma? How you like that karma? Yeah, that's just fair play

Bonus: 

busted - The Isley Brothers feat. JS 

Busted, It's 2 o' damn clock in the morning, where you been? (Baby didn't you get my 2-way I was with my girlfriend) You are lyin', I called Kiesha and Tanya And they were both at home (But I didn't say them though) Well they're the only friends I know Girl you better (Wait before you get all upset here's the truth) Talk to me (I was with my girl when she got some bad news) And...? (Her man cheated, had her upset and confused) But baby what's that got to do With you coming in at 2? (I'm telling you, now she was so upset She asked me to stay with her) Well why didn't your ass just pick up the phone and call me? (I was gonna do that but it slipped my mind I'm sorry) (But I'm telling you the truth) Yeah, well I got something for you... Tell me what's her name? (Sharon) Where does she live? (Uuummm...) Her man's name? (Billy) She got kids? (I think one or two) She got kids? (Baby yes, no) That's one thing I got to know How the hell is she your friend If you don't know if she got kids?

[gcrminatorarchive]

Your portrayal on Osmosis Jones

You want positivity? You got positivity!!

Cheesy jokes aside, I absolutely adore your portrayal of Osmosis Jones! Now, it has been years since I’ve watched the movie / seen the TV series, but I can say without a doubt that I can hear Ozzy’s voice, in not only how you write his dialogue, but how you write for him, and certainly within how much you cherish and love the character!!

You don’t shy away from his negative traits either - truly, I believe that you flesh out Osmosis and bring him into new, fresh heights that the movie and TV series just didn’t have time to explore, or didn’t think to explore! That’s the joy of roleplaying, however: being able to take a character into new, refreshing territories.

You also make Ozzy your own, by giving him these neat little quirks. I love reading the way you write his speech patterns, I can just hear Chris Rock and it is such a treat!!

Now, I know that you have a habit of doubting your writing, or getting down: and I’m here to tell you, nay, remind you that it’s okay to doubt yourself, or to make mistakes. What matters is that we learn from those things, and acknowledge them while striving to better ourselves. I trust and have faith in you to do those things.

So! Whenever that little voice in your noggin starts getting down on you, just remember: give yourself permission to feel bad, or upset, or negative, but then build yourself back up! Remind yourself why you love the character, why you love writing. Remind yourself that it isn’t about comparing your writing to another roleplayers’! We each have our own distinct, unique way of tackling writing, and that’s another thing that roleplaying is about: sharing that writing, writing together, and just enjoying our experiences!!

We don’t talk a lot, we’re usually on at different times, life and work can be interesting that way, but even if we’re not chatting on the daily, I wanted to also remind you: it’s great to see you! On the dash, in an ask, answering things. I love how you host so many movie / tv show nights and if my internet / schedule allowed it, I’d hop in on more of them!!

Take care of yourself, remember to let yourself grow and feel happy, and remember that Ozzy cares about you as much as you care about him.

Happy holidays,

Kravitz

@wisheternally

Oh my god...This....This left me totally speechless. Even now as I re-read it and type, I still have trouble finding the right words to say to this. But here goes.

I’ve gotten praise before, and sometimes it feels kinda bittersweet, but this...This made me feel more than I’ve ever felt about my writing and myself before. I’m practically in tears right now; I thought opening up an Ozzy blog after my previous encounter with another who RPed him would be a horrible idea; I had been bullied at the beginning for taking him on when I only wanted to cope with losing a friend I had respected and trusted. Not only that, I had regret it and felt dirty for doing it, because I thought I would both cause more conflict with that person, and worse...I thought the words they said came from Ozzy’s mouth. Because he was a character I loved and grew up with even before I met the dude. I thought people would just continue to label me as being spiteful for doing it over time, and that I was shaming myself, my ex-friend, and the character for portraying him. I was scared of my own shadow. Stuck on an emotional roller coaster that didn’t seem to stop. I was a fuckin’ mess. Still kinda am.

But this...After reading this, I know in my heart now that it was one of the best things I ever did.

And though I had my doubts, a lot of my RP partners, both old and new, didn’t shame me for what had happened prior during the time I’ve been on this blog; Instead, they built me up little by little with their kindness and care, helping me get back up. I can’t thank them enough for their patience and understanding, more than I could ever say in a hundred years. All of you have truly given me my wings back.

And even after all that chaos, after all that user said and did to make me think otherwise, after that few months of depression and hurt, I never ever stopped loving Ozzy. I couldn’t. He had been one of my childhood companions since the very beginning. Although we aren’t friends anymore, that user did do a good thing in bringing him back into my life, helping me rediscover/remember him two years ago; Ozzy taught me to take better care of myself, and not only that, but to take risks, break some rules, and be brave in the face of those who would hurt you and desert you. To get back up and keep trying. He’s truly a hero that needs more appreciation than what he gets.

I also always thought I’d only make things worse by being sad and negative, and that I should handle all of my internal conflicts on my own. But you reminded me that I’m valid to feel the way I do, and that I’m here for one reason and one reason only: To have fun, and to make friends.

Kravitz, I’m so grateful to have you as a friend here. You are kind, and so loyal and caring to folks like little old me, who doesn’t deserve a thing like that. I love your spin on your Shadow and Ozzy just loves hanging out with him. And we totally need to talk more, bud, time-zones or not. I will message you as much as I can (Hopefully not too much!) and bombard you with so much Osmosis Jones and Sonic trash. You are welcome to hit me up for asks, OOC chats, or a stream any old time you’re free, you just let me know, and I will drop everything and hang with you. It means so much that you believe in me, bro. Thank you. Love you lots.

You want Osmosis? You GOT Osmosis, fam. Any day of the week, any time you want.

Happy Holidays!

[lost-your-memory]

semi angsty prompt where kara and alex really talk about the fact kara will out live the humans in her life (specifically cat), maybe alex see's cat without make up and it kinda hits her for the first time the significance of their age difference (that's never been her biggest concern about the relationship) and kara is just like "you think i don't know that?" and they have a really honest convo about it and what kara is really gonna have to face as time goes on

It’s rather short and not that angsty but I figured it would fit anyway. Thank you for this brillant prompt Darling ♥

Alex is wise beyond her years, despite her somewhat fierce temperament.She rushes forward whenever the people she loves are in danger, thinking of a plan in a matter of seconds and putting it to execution right away and sometimes, it’s hard to follow her.She’s a storm and she waltzes in and out but sometimes, sometimes she doesn’t.Sometimes, she just takes a step back and she studies the world around her.She takes in details no one else seems to notice and she’s become something of a walking library of facts, information and unalterable truths, ones she keeps to herself because it’s not important.It never is, until some day, one of those truths she’s never voiced just explode in front of her.

—Friday night, she’s at the Grants for dinner and she’s nursing a glass of Scotch when Carter arrives.He’s tall and strong and the smile of his lips is one of happiness as he says hi to her. She smiles back at him and there’s a voice in her head that wonders «when did he become so adult». She shrugs and asks about college, science, engineering and stuff she knows about. He’s a prodigy, a genius and Maxwell Lord and Lena Luthor only have a few years left to savor their glory before the next Grant barges in their field to take them down.Then, she hears the door opens and closes and soon enough, Cat Grant is making her way across the living room and towards the kitchen, where Kara is making dinner.“Hi Alex.” She says with a wave of her hand but her attention is elsewhere. The smile she’s directing at Kara is tender, soft and loving but it crinkles her face and Alex is suddenly aware of each creases and cracks that break Cat’s carefully applied makeup.She feels like an intruder because it is not something she’s supposed to see but there it is. Age, dripping from Cat’s face, from Cat’s whole body and there’s something in her eyes that tells Alex she’s self-aware.Kara doesn’t seem to notice and Alex adverts her eyes when they kiss, focusing back on Carter. She wonders if Kara realizes, all the implications of dating Cat, truly realizes.—Dinner is full of laugh and love, punctuated by Cat’s sassy comments and Alex’s sneaky comebacks and it’s soft and warm, it’s domestic.Carter yawns and says goodbye to them, leaving Alex, Cat and Kara to sip at their alcohol in the living room. Cat is sat down on one of the couches, Kara laying sideways with her head on her lover’s lap and Alex is facing them, comfortably settled in a pushy armchair. She’s nursing another glass of Scotch and she’s a little dizzy but it’s familiar and good.Cat asks about Maggie and Alex answers with a smile, the conversation flowing very easily between them. It had taken her months to be okay with the idea of her baby alien sister dating the powerful CEO of CatCo Worldwide Media but in the end, she’s come to learn how to like Cat. She wouldn’t admit it out loud but she actually considers the Queen of all media like someone close. Maybe even a part of her little makeshift and carefully selected family.Kara is content to just chime in from time to time but she doesn’t move and Alex is sure she would purr if she was a cat. Alex watches as Cat’s fingers are gently caressing her sister’s blond hair and then, she notices it. She sees the faint brown age spots, the way the veins start to have a certain relief, the delicacy of bones that are not as strong as they once were.Alex looks away and sips at her alcohol. They talk and talk and Alex sees the cracks and flaws of Cat’s body slowly stand out under the dim light of the living room.In the end, Cat leaves after wishing them goodnight.Alex drinks and drinks and she pours herself another glass, aware of her sister’s deep blue eyes on her. The unvoiced truth is caught in her throat and she doesn’t want to let it out but then Kara tilts her head to the left and she knows she can’t keep it for herself anymore.Her voice is soft and gentle but the words are still a blow.“You’re going to survive her, you know?”—Kara refuses to talk about it and she leaves it alone.She knows her sister will come to her once she’s ready.It takes a month and a near-death experience for that to happen.—Kara’s sprawled on her couch, a cushion over her face and Maggie gives her a knowing look before announcing she’s going to the alien bar. Kara doesn’t even try to say she can stay and the lieutenant closes the door behind her.Alex sighs and comes to sit beside her sister, moving Kara’s feet to put them on her lap, so she can stroke them while they talk.“I know she’s going to die, eventually.”The words are strangled and strained with one too many emotions, but Alex stays silent. She is wise and used to be around Kara so she knows, she knows she can’t push her sister. Kara will talk on her own terms.“Don’t you think I know that? I knew, even before we were a couple, that I would outlive her.” Kara says and this time, the tone is a little stronger but the emotions are swirling and spinning in her inflections, in the way she doesn’t really ask the question.Alex hesitates and she grabs one of her sister’s feet to massage it before gently, so ever gently, speaking again.“It’s not just her, Kara.”She hears the sob and she feels it at the same time, her sister’s whole body shaking under the violence of it. She pushes a little harder on Kara’s skin, knowing it helps her to relax a little but she knows nothing can really calm the superhero now.“I’m going to lose everyone all over again, Alex, I know that.” It’s heavy, so heavy in Alex’s ears and she swallows a sob of her own because she needs to be strong for her little sister. She remembers the little girl that came to live with them when she was a teenager, she still dreams of those haunted and devastatingly sad deep blue eyes some nights. She knows Kara still has nightmares where she sees Krypton die, over and over and over again and out of everyone else in Kara’s life, she understands why her sister’s always trying to avoid the subject.“I know, Kara. I know.” She doesn’t offer some lies about it, it would be insulting the both of them and she hates false hope.“I’m going to be there, standing at everyone else’s funerals and … Year after year, people are going to die and I will end up … alone. I will have to deal with … with the aftermaths.” Kara’s voice is low, so low and desperate, Alex clenches her jaw to swallow another wave of sadness.“I know. You will be there because you will honor each and every single one of us, you will be there to celebrate our lives and how lucky we were to have been around you, Kara.” She says and it’s soft and warm and it’s peaceful. She realizes she’s made peace with her upcoming death and that she’s more worried about Kara than anything else, really.“Don’t … Don’t say that.” The words are choked up and Alex reaches to take the cushion off of her sister’s face.Oh, she should have let it where it was.Kara’s deep, deep blue eyes are a stormy torrent and tears are rolling down at their corners, heavily falling on the couch’s fabric underneath her. She’s crying silently and her whole body jerks and jumps from the sheer force of her chagrin.It’s desperate and unavoidable, there’s a tragedy caught in the drenched eyelashes, a faith worse than death shining in the tears and oh, it’s heart-wrenching to see those baby blue eyes reflect all the funerals they will someday witness.Alex sees so many coffins and black clothes, she sees rains and winters, she sees ashes and dust and ruins and she sees a forever that tastes like bittersweet agony.She’s not breathing and it takes her lungs to burn with the lack of oxygen for her to realize she needs to inhale. Kara watches her and there’s a knowing gleam shining underneath all that pain and suffering about a future she’s dreadful about. Alex finally takes a sharp intake of breath and she smiles.She smiles and she whispers “You might outlive us, Kara, but you will never, ever be alone.”She feels Kara’s eyes upon her but she doesn’t face her, staring into nothing as she keeps talking.“Wherever you go, wherever you will be, there will be people to be there for you. You’re a sun, Kara, people are drawn to you and they gravitate around you, you don’t even notice it. It takes some of us to point it out for you to realize how much you’re surrounded.” Her voice is very low and it’s barely a breath but she knows Kara can hear her.“You will have people and even though it won’t be us, we will still be with you somehow. You will have memories and souvenirs and for a while, those will be painful yes. You’re going to feel sad, empty, lost and angry but one day, you will love those images of your past, you will love them fondly. Everyone goes through grief and loss at some point in our life. Yes, you are an alien and you will live longer, you will experience it more than anyone else in the world but … you will also see wonders, Kara. You love the whole Humanity, you have faith in it so you will see it rise and fall, you will see newborns, progresses, kindness and goodness of heart but above all of this, you will witness love, over and over and over again.” Alex says and she smiles again.Kara doesn’t speak and Alex stares at her for a while, noticing the tears are still there, shining in her sister’s eyes but they’re not falling. She assumes it’s a step up.“We will lose mom and then plenty of other people we love. You will lose Cat and then me and then James and Winn and Lucy. Carter too, one day. People are going to leave, because their lives will come to an end but it’s not necessarily bad you know. Living a full life is a blessing itself and besides, we are going to leave a legacy behind us. Children. Achievements. Actions the world will need to remember. You will have to watch over our legacy, guide it, protect it, cherish it.” Alex talks and talks, her voice sounding a little unreal, even to herself.“You will never, ever be alone Kara. Yes, you will suffer grief and loss and it’s going to be hard, I can’t lie and you know it. But life is all about balance and you are going to make sure the world keeps spinning. You are the sun Kara and the world will always, always love you.”She smiles again and it’s a little dreamy. Kara doesn’t speak yet but she seems calmer now, no tears on her cheeks and not even in her deep blue eyes.Finally, finally, Kara smiles and it’s sad but almost peaceful. It’s not bright, it’s not sunny and it lacks hope but it’s something and Alex takes it.Then she whispers “Are you going to stick around until the very end?”Alex smirks and answers “Always.”

[theclacks]

Buffy - Season Three Thoughts

So… that was a thing.

Where do I start on season 3… Okay, I’m going to recap in chronological order and then do over all thoughts (especially compared to season 2) because if I start with overall thoughts, I’ll be here all night and probably not make much sense.

So yeah. I really like Buffy’s period of mourning. There’s something very cathartic about watching characters mourn. And watching characters get mad at each other. And the first two episodes did that in spades, I love how Willow acted dismissively cheerful and then just LAID into Buffy later. I love how Buffy’s originally close-friends party turned into a random party and the one overheard line along the lines of “do you know who this party’s for? I don’t know, some girl who just got out of rehab” just hit stone cold.

And then Angel showed up.

Now I know Angel was GOING to show up because 1) he was in the credits and 2) he goes on to star in his own spin-off, but I don’t know… I was expecting the whole first half of the season to be a life without Angel/search for Spock Angel kind of thing. And I was really liking the whole mourning/slowly accepting Angel’s death so for him to come back as SOON as Buffy put down her ring I was like “……okay?” but then I also couldn’t complain because ANGEL.

And then it turned out he was feral Angel which was cool but then THAT got resolved in a single episode which was another kind of “…..okay?” then again. ANGEL.

I’m just glad they had Buffy’s super quick temp boyfriend Scott dump her because that would’ve been an even more annoying obviously-one-ship-is-the-preferred-ship love triangle than Twilight.

Oh, speaking of love triangles… quadrangles… things. The Willow/Xander sudden attraction love fest thing. Not a huge fan. But it lasted comparatively shortly and didn’t destroy the Oz/Willow pairing (in fact kind of strengthened it) and it gave way for adorable Cordelia/Wesley flustered shenanigans AND Cordelia subconsciously summoning Anya, so overall I don’t mind where it ended up leading the series in the slightest.

Although I do want to talk about Faith.

I hate Faith.

Maybe she gets better in later seasons (if she’s in later seasons? I assume yes even though I hope no), maybe part of my hate is just missing Kendra and viewing Kendra as the superior alt!slayer. Although Buffy did make many references to Mr Pointy this season, so I guess Kendra still lives on in spirit.

But yeah, the gang had such a chill, well working groove this season that the ONLY way to cause tension was to throw a Faith-shaped socket into the works. Like she was pretty much only there to stir trouble and be a pity fest and I’m sorry Faith fans, but it’s an EXTREMELY big leap to go from bitter “Buffy’s more popular than me” to “I’m going to join forces with the dude who wants to murder the town because he gives me things.” IDK, I think it would’ve actually made more sense for her skip town entirely, forge her own path? But maybe she wasn’t brave enough for that? IDK. Her darkside turn simultaneously didn’t feel as fluid (i.e. didn’t make sense) OR as shocking (i.e. she’d always been the “bad” girl) as the Angel losing his soul thing did.

Although speaking of Angel losing his soul, THAT EPISODE WHERE FAITH TRIES TO CAST IT OUT OF HIM. And at the end she’s like “guess I’m the best actor in the world” and Angel suddenly goes “second best” and it slips into slo-mo, I gasped. I literally gasped. I’d been going “nooo not a repeat” while also going “soulless Angel is extremely entertaining” and then in just 5 seconds everything turned 100% awesome again.

Which, yeah, Angel and Buffy. I think I love Angel and Buffy the most when they’re working together as I team which is why I loved the second half of season 3 more than the first half. They finally got their groove back and he was helping out in fights (even after Buffy said “let’s take a break” and Angel said “let’s break up”) and they just worked. There were a couple earlier episodes, especially the one where Giles drugs Buffy of her powers and regrets it and Buffy’s mom gets kidnapped and Buffy goes off to save her alone that I was like, “ummmmm… bring Angel with you? I know the ‘theme’ of this episode is doing this alone, but in-character Buffy, you should really be caring more about getting your mom out alive than episode themes”.

So yeah. Angel and Buffy watching an erotic indie film together, Angel and Buffy fighting seaside cave demons together, Angel and Buffy acting together to pull one over on faith. That is the best kind of Angel and Buffy and I’m glad the show finally veered back into that direction before he ultimately left the show.

Which leaves the Mayor and the overall plot arc of Season 3.

So I honestly thought the Mayor was going to be a multi-season villain (same with Mr Trick) and was really kind of shocked when he just ate it (along with the library and half of the school building). But more than that, I think I was a little disappointed by the Mayor just because of HOW LONG it took for him and Buffy to face off… which is really my one complaint about season 3, that is, the overall plot arcs weren’t as defined as they were in season 2.

Season 2 had two very clear halves and evolving goals for both sides. The first half had Buffy and Angel’s will they/won’t they on the heroes side and Spike’s wanting to heal Dru on the villain’s side. They both get their wishes near the middle of season and that’s the greatest thing because it ends up being an Into the Woods type thing with their granted wishes causing new problems. Buffy/Angel’s relationship causes Angel to turn evil and Dru’s restoration causes Spike becomes useless in a wheelchair. The goals in the second half suddenly flip on their heads: find a way to either restore Angel’s soul (or kill Angel) on the heroes side and Spike wanting Angel out of the picture and Dru back on the villains side. There was a constant forward momentum, a goal to strive for.

And so wrapping back around to what I THOUGHT season 3 was going to be about, getting Angel back so soon kind of killed that momentum. There wasn’t any greater goal the heroes were really striving for over the course of multiple episodes. Even when Faith turned, the gang didn’t seem to care that much. It was kind of like “good riddance, at least she’s not back-stabbing me anymore” from Buffy’s side. They just sort of went along through their senior high school days with minimum drama.

Which don’t get me wrong. It was nice. It was fun. And I’m probably going to be missing the minimum drama in later seasons. And overall, the quality of the individual episodes was stronger (I’m looking at you Lovers Walk, The Zeppo, Doppelgangland, Enemies, Earshot… heck what am I saying, all the episodes from that until the end). But I really did miss that constantly-striving-for-something feel that Season 2 had.

But then I’ll also give credit where credit is due and just be grateful that I wasn’t emotionally deadened like I was at the end of season 2. If the series had ended at season 2, it would’ve been the most depressingly awesome bittersweet series ending ever. If it’d ended at season 3, it’d be a super entertaining and sweet bookend.

I didn’t even place together the connection until I started writing this review, but I think this season more than anything else was about Buffy’s acceptance, both of her accepting herself and of the Sunnydale community accepting her. This season started off with jocks half-joking/chanting “no more mysterious deaths!” and the guy at Buffy’s welcome home party thinking she was some sort of drug addict. It ended up with Buffy getting crowned (umbrella’d?) as Class Protector and the entire graduating class taking up arms and fighting vampires and a demon alongside her. I mean, regardless of what happens later, those are some firm, shining YES moments.

Final/stray observations

Favorite episode was Lovers Walk by far. I am a Spike fan and not afraid to admit it. Between him falling asleep drunk and his hand catching on fire, drinking cocoa while having a heart to heart with Joyce (and asking for marshmallows), taunting Angel behind Joyce’s back when he can’t come inside Buffy’s house, reminiscing about a park bench where he and Dru killed a homeless man, and cheering up at the end because he’s realized that all he needs to do is become the man he was and torture Dru into loving him again… yeah. That episode was a pure treasure.

I loved the resolution to the Wesley/Cordelia thing. I’ve had those kind of kisses before, the kisses that make you go “oh, umm… awkward, nevermind.” This show, it reads my soul.

While I hated Faith, I loved the addition of Anya to the cast. I knew by her name that she’d become a series regular so when she first introduced herself as “Anyanka” I was like “no….. it can’t be.” And then it was. And she rambled about her past curses to Xander at the prom. And it was awesome.

Also Oz’s thoughts in the mind-reading episode. Grabbing from a transcript because they’re just too good to paraphrase:

Oz (thinking): I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist.

Oz (speaking): Hmm…

I just love Oz so much. He is one of the characters I had no idea existed going into this and I’m scared for what’s going to happen to him because I know Willow eventually gets with someone else, so he’s either going to leave or die. And I’m REALLY hoping he doesn’t die.

Also are we going to eventually get a human!Spike/William flashback episode? Because we’ve gotten two Angel/Liam flashback episodes and one Dru flashblack episode. I DEMAND A SPIKE FLASHBACK EPISODE.

As for thoughts and guesses on what’s going to happen in season four, I have no idea. All the plot threads are resolved (except for, I guess, Faith kinda, who I don’t care about), everyone graduated, and Angel’s off in his own spin off land. I did cheat though and I watched the first three minutes of Angel + opening credits before I started writing this and Angel and Cordelia being spin-off bros? I don’t know how that’s going to happen but sign me the hell up! I’m guessing she just decided to leave Sunnydale since her dad went broke and all and Xander’s not her BF and yeah? There’s really not too much there for her anymore.

Anyways yeah. I’m planning to watch BTVS AND Angel simultaneously now which means these recaps will become a biweekly thing.

Of course both shows are leaving Netflix this week which sucks (pun not intended). Originally I was going to grab the DVDs from the library but apparently the rest of the city had that idea. Buffy season 4 went from having 3 open copies to 10+ holds over the course of the past couple days. I reserved Angel no problem though and I ended up ordering a used copy of BTVS complete series off Amazon because, hey, it was half off, I’m super enjoying the series so far, and some times it’s nice to pay.

[flamestoillusions]

Either pairing for the offspring meme

Hahaha, we should know this song and dance by now…

Bittersweet Misfortune

The parents -

Who first brought up having/adopting kids?

Kesil. He’d admit some time while he was dating Veritas how he dreamed of having his own family one day. Although he admits that with the circumstances of his life that it may never happen. Boooooooooy, I have some news for you.

Which parent is most overprotective?

Veritas. She is so worried over her kids. She’s worried period. She is still afraid from when she lost Lectum and her parents left her. Losing anyone is her fear and because of her and Kesil’s professions as well as Kesil’s blood, the danger is present. Of course, she doesn’t blame Kesil for it but it does make Veritas have to consider plans with the twins carefully and back up plans to be a thing.

Which parent is most supportive?

Both? Kesil and Veritas were determined to be better than their parents. How? They didn’t really know but it started to roll around when twins started getting old enough voice wanting things. At first they were their usual selves and made the kids cry. So they tried. Tried to figure out how to be supportive towards what their kids wanted without bringing the harshness they just naturally have.

Which parent expects the most from their child?

Neither? Veritas just wants the kids to grow up happy and not causing too much terror to where they are. Kesil wants the kid to do what they want to do with themselves since he never had that choice. 

Which parent is more likely to spoil their child?

Neither. They’re learning parenting not pushovers. They know hard love and maintaining a fairness towards their kids. 

Which parent does the child go to to get their way?

Depends on what child you’re asking. If it’s Roza, she’ll run to Kesil as his mindset is usually on board with hers. If it’s Blair, he’ll got to Veritas as he usually can explain his reasoning in a way that makes sense to her. And if we include Magnus, he’ll go to Veritas too since Kesil admits that Magnus’ personality can reflect some kids he had a ‘rivalry’ with, never good for negotiation.

Which parent is the best at singing lullabies?

Veritas. Kesil is okay at singing. He isn’t terrible, he isn’t godly at it. However, he finds Veritas has the better singing voice so lets her do it. Although these can be hums sometimes. 

Which parent finds it harder to let go?

Veritas. As explained with her fear, she doesn’t want to let them go. She doesn’t know what would happen to them and she won’t be there to protect them. It is terrifying but she knows she has to let go eventually or the kids–especially with Roza–might come to resent her reluctance.

The kid -

What the kids name is and the meaning behind it.

Roza - Rose, named because her face was a rosy color when she was born. 

Blair - Plain, field, battlefield. It was an arbitrary name that Kesil liked although he joked about where he got it from to Veritas once.

Magnus - Great. Also an arbitrary name that both Veritas and Kesil thought sounded alright. Kesil doesn’t know but it was one that was ‘suggested’ to him in his head.

What traits the kid has that doesn’t reflect their parents.

Roza - Empathy because of her foresight ability, she feels others whereas her parents either lack or have killed that trait for their jobs. 

Blair - Sense of duty as his parents never had to commit to anything they didn’t seriously want to do. Because of the type of power he possesses as well as the clash between his elven and vampiric blood, he feels he needs to get a grip. Or others, not just his family will be in trouble. 

Magnus - Almost everything about him. He’s well-mannered and polite and it throws his parents in a loop because they’re kinda assholes (both purposely and accidentally). He also seems to fit in with people…even those in high society well, which neither know HOW he learned it since they dislike them for various reasons. 

What the kids favorite clothing style is.

Roza - Whatever’s comfortable

Blair - Hipster af

Magnus - Dressy casual

What their favorite cartoon is.

Roza’s favorite cartoon would probably be any shounen anime that happened to actually make it overseas. Action-packed and taking down baddies, she’s all in for it. Blair couldn’t name any that particularly stuck out to him. They all were interesting but none that really popped out to him. Magnus actually probably liked the most horror/mystery like cartoon he could feasibly watch without crossing into more adult content. 

What skills their parents try to pass down to them.

Both Veritas and Kesil taught the kids how to fight and how to at least handle and disarm the weapons they knew. Not necessarily for the kids to abuse the knowledge (although they have) but because they never know where enemies lurk.

What their future might be.

I can see Roza actually willingly going into the bounty hunter business. She enjoys it, more or less, but doesn’t want to be hired just to kill like the freelancer biz might do to her. Blair would probably take on a normal life, like his parents kinda hoped they’d go down. Probably go through schooling and find something he likes. Magnus would be something inbetween his siblings as he would more than likely end up in the Realms Security Bureau (the same that Samir works for) as an agent that specializes in diplomacy.

The family -

Who the child’s godparents are.

From Veritas’ side, most likely not. She doesn’t seem to have that many companions. From Kesil would probably be his rival/friend, Ishiguro Kooji, a scion to a powerful family in Japan.

Do their parents plan on giving them any siblings?

Well in some cases, Veritas and Kesil surprised the twins with Magnus soooo. But no, they never planned on giving more siblings. 

What is the child’s first pet?

Blitz. She was a dog that Kesil eventually convinced Veritas to allow the kids to have. She loved the twins but was a terror around the house. It tended to take anything left out and made a mess of it. Kesil couldn’t fall asleep planning in the living room anymore but at least the kids have a faithful companion, I guess?

How do they get along with any extended family members?

They love to get visits from ‘uncle Arty’, particularly because he put up with the kids’ antics much easier than their parents did. They know of their grandparents but do not visit them often. Even when they do, the kids act a lot more reserved around them. The exception is Lyudmila and Isamu, who end up watching the kids if Veritas and Kesil had no choice.

Can a Fire Bird Love a Broken Bird

The parents -

Who first brought up having/adopting kids?

Neither, actually. Noita is terrified at the thought of a family that isn’t like the one she has with her boys. She doesn’t think she CAN be a capable parent and thus would never think to bring it up. Amara secretly wants to have a family of his own. Root being secretly. Because he is a phoenix, he is somewhat afraid to have a family because what if he dies before he ever raised the child? Not risking it.

Which parent is most overprotective?

Both? Amara doesn’t care about his safety but when it comes to his little birds? All bets are off. He tends to get concerned by Noita’s lack of concern towards taking the kids on dangerous ventures. However, that’s not to say she doesn’t care, just that her concern would focus on the wider scale, usually the situation being the Rose, anti-magic coalition that’d take her kids and either imprison or kill them.

Which parent is most supportive?

Both. As pointed to in the thread where Taika and Selim visit their parents before ever dating, they both say that Amara and Noita are supportive of them. They are encouraged to pursue what interests them and even if neither have any expertise in the field, they’d search for someone to show their children what they’re fascinated by.

Which parent expects the most from their child?

Neither. Overall, Noita and Amara are pretty chill parents, letting the birds fly their own paths with them watching from a safe distance. 

Which parent is more likely to spoil their child?

Amara. That’s not even a question. He’s never gotten to have a family (one he remembers at least) and so having one with Noita is so important to him. He’s excited for every bit of parenthood and pours so much attention into the kids. And he is unashamed of spoiling them.

Which parent does the child go to to get their way?

Amara. Both because he’d actually spoil them and because Noita is difficult to debate with.

Which parent is the best at singing lullabies?

Both. They serenade the children to sleep and I doubt the kids will find any other singers the same as their parents. And from their time traveling, their parents have learned a lot of songs…probably enough that they could go a year without singing the same song twice. 

Which parent finds it harder to let go?

Surprisingly, Noita. She will let them go when it comes time but on the inside, she’s torn up about. While she’s seen so many good things alongside Amara as well as adventuring, she knows that there’s a lot of wickedness and she can only be there whenever the kids tell her or she finds out.

The kid -

What the kids name is and the meaning behind it.

Taika - Magic. She was named because magic personally is such a life changing and wonderful thing in Noita’s life…much like Taika was when she was born.

Selim - Undamaged or ‘to be safe’. He was named as the name just came to Amara’s mind, not really knowing it’s an Egyptian name and thus one he’d probably come across before.

Emrys - Immortal or immortal one. …well, he is a phoenix. Although, it was supposed to go with the Amara’s name meaning ‘unfading’ or ‘eternal.’

What traits the kid has that doesn’t reflect their parents.

Taika - Lack of ‘estranging’ air. Noita always pushed people away so that’s nothing new. Amara I saw as being friendly and all that but always having this slight ‘lonely’ air about him. Taika lacks both of these.

Selim - His inner spazzing. It is much like how Marinette from ML would be but neither of his parents have it? They’re either too level-headed or naturally calm to have it.

Emrys - Lack of wanderlust. It’s not that he doesn’t like traveling but he’s not as into running around everywhere and that free spirit sort of thing like his family tends to be. 

What the kids favorite clothing style is.

All of the kids favor functional clothes although both Taika and Emrys prefer warm colors compared to Selim who likes darker colors.

What their favorite cartoon is.

If this were a modern au, I would say that Taika like all girl team shows like Totally Spies. Selim probably skipped cartoons and watched cooking shows. Emrys probably liked the most visually strange series for some reason.

What skills their parents try to pass down to them.

Noita teaches them how to fight since that’s always a useful skill in her eyes. However, both she and Amara teach the kids how to survive on the land and figuring out how to find civilization too. 

What their future might be.

Never thought about it and not sure what they’d end up doing. Selim being the exception. I always saw ‘Rune’ becoming an outlaw...although nearly everyone knows that Noita is Rune so the king just made that for formalities. However, the name Rune became synonymous with those that wished to be a masked/cloaked vigilante. Selim has used this on occasion and Amara knows it.

The family -

Who the child’s godparents are.

Tannim is probably the only named godparent that any of Amara and Noita’s kids have although the boys in general take care of them.

Do their parents plan on giving them any siblings?

Depends on which setting with go with. Selim could be the only child. Taika and Selim could be the only kids, with Selim being the younger sibling. Emrys could be a last addition. In all more than one cases, no they hadn’t planed to give any siblings. 

What is the child’s first pet?

Tempest. A pipe fox that was gifted to the kids from Lady Vadoma. She comments that it is cuter and more powerful than the ‘mutt’ Noita used to have, referring to her ‘pet’ ferret, Leftpaw. It is closest to Selim because of his spiritual power. 

How do they get along with any extended family members?

What family? The kids only know of Noita and Amara’s friends as their family. Noita doesn’t mention her family outside of her deceased brother and grandfather so they probably would never recognize any other family. Amara obviously doesn’t know his family. However, if they ever met Khepri, they’d be taken by her because they’d never met another of their kind that wasn’t family. She’s so good to them too. 

[wordsmiff-blog]

Bittersweet irony.

‘The more I see… the more I know… the more I know … the less I understand - I’m a changing man’…

I kinda get where Paul Weller was coming from …

2 years ago, I was engaged to a beautiful, intelligent, funny young girl… .

She was outgoing, strong, adventurous and had a beautiful relationship with my two boys.

After two previously disastrous long term relationships with partners who … erm… left a lot to be desired in the fidelity stakes … what I found should have been everything I wanted … and yet it wasn’t.

Two years ago, I was so emotionally distraught and bankrupt from my life’s experiences up until that point, that rather than be joyous for what I had found, I did not believe for one second that I either deserved it, that it was real, or that it would last.

So I subconsciously yet systematically set about destroying it.

I was such a mess mentally, that at certain points in time, I was convinced that I was losing my grip on reality and seriously close to losing my mind.

I had never had any prolonged periods of time being single or experience of spending time alone when I met my last partner - and so it wasn’t so much a case of losing sight of who I was, as it was a case of not having a fucking clue who I was even to begin with.

Chuck that into the mix alongside a real anger towards the World and a mountain of distrust towards people - and with the benefit of hindsight - I have to admit it didn’t paint for a very bright future. Though I will say in my defence that I was so out of synch with my own emotions and feelings that I didn’t have the slightest clue of just how completely trashed my mind was. I thought I was sweet.

Life is full of such irony, that when I was at my most unprepared, I met and fell in love with a woman who was … or at least should have been ideal.

I knew that I wasn’t ready from the start, full of pain and hurt from the past, but superb at being in denial.

Rather than let it go then … in the Faith that it would still be there for me if it was meant to be and preferably when I was a lot more emotionally well developed … instead I just acted like a scared insecure little kid and clung onto this scant consolation of what I felt I had left to show for my life up until that point. I was seeking validation from myself, in the reflection of someone else.

Whatever way you look at it.. that’s pretty fucked up.

I became a toxic person. Insecure, jealous, possessive. Horrible horrible horrible - and not someone I could ever wish to respect or admire… quite the opposite in fact. The proof being at the time that I hated myself.

I completely and utterly let the past crush my future… worse still, I made sure that happened by acting out a perfect self-fulfilling prophecy to the point where the relationship was just shattered into a million unrecognisable pieces from the beautiful potential it seemingly contained at the very start.

Fast forward two years and I feel like I am the strongest I have ever been.

I have learned such a multitude of things between then and now that I would need a lifetime to remember them all.

Needless to say that things that would have crushed me in the past, just don’t even come close anymore.

I am able to see things in a much more balanced way. There is not as much attachment as there was previously or perhaps it is just a confidence and a comfortability in the Faith that what is supposed to be for me … I WILL get to experience…

… and by the same token it is not up to me to decide how long I get to experience those things for either.

I understand now that I am in control of absolutely zero. That’s not my job or my responsibility.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that… you can spend your life being terrified of losing something to such an extent that not only does it inevitably happen, but you also failed to appreciate and enjoy it whilst you did have the experience. All that potential for happiness lost.

Life is fleeting, Love is fleeting, as are pain and hurt, people, places and things …

So … I guess I FINALLY understand the old adage that ‘it is better to have loved and lost … than never to have loved at all’ - which I always considered to be complete and utter bullshit before now…

I would take a million chances on being hurt for the sake of one chance or moment of being happy now… because, no matter how hurt you have been or how hurt you will be in Life, if you spend time worrying about that prospect, you will never truly be happy, happiness requires surrender - and when they come along - you have to catch those fleeting moments of love, laughter and serenity and squeeze every last drop out of them whilst you can.

And yet, whilst I can understand that beautiful lesson now - I still cannot understand how for someone who has always wanted to be married and to be a husband to a wife, I am further away than ever, now that I am happier than I can ever remember being…

… and yet I was just a whisker away from my childhood ideals - at the point in my life when I was completely and utterly broken.

Was that just a glimpse of what I could potentially have in the future, something to work towards?

Did we both have to learn the painful lessons that relationship contained so that we could both grow and learn from our mistakes…?

Were we just unlucky and the timing was completely off?

Who knows? Those open-ended questions will never produce or provide definitive answers… they never have and they never will… to try to find an answer could push you closer to insanity than you would ever care to tread, you can trust me on that.

Perhaps the real difference these days is that I have an understanding now that I don’t HAVE TO be able understand everything.

I never have been expected to have had all the answers… though I damn well fucking tried to convince you and myself that I did..

I know absolutely fuck all about fuck all… and that’s a beautiful relief to accept.

Now I just have Faith that everything is just how it should be, and that all will be revealed in the fullness of time. No rush, no stress, no worries.

In the meantime, I’ve decided that I’m gonna be fucking happy.

'The more I know.. the less I understand … I’m a changing man’.

[tumblunni]

Speaking of my dumb story ideas, I’ve been thinking some stuff to flesh out the Cathedral Game’s setting! RANDOM IDEAS AHOY LONG POST AHOY

* I’m thinking I need to make some concrete ideas for the villains maybe. When I first had the dream that inspired this all, it was just some sort of ambiguous ‘demon army’, kinda like a mindless zombie plague or i dunno, maybe the demons were sentient but they were all evil except for florin anyway? It was a more boring cliche kind of enemy than I usually write, with no moral grey area. Just an endless wave of foes that would justify the setting where everyone is stuck living inside a church and you have to defend it and try and turn it into a little town. And I guess if we had to have a 100% evil enemy with very little character development then it makes me less uncomfortable if theyre some sort of supernatural nonsentient plague instead of a bunch of people born evil. But then Florin existing as your sidekick was like the first part of the dream and it was never explained why he was the only non evil, completely sentient demon. Plus now I have a different zombie-themed story so mindless plagues would be samey. PLUS... welll... I need to stop being all ‘because I saw it in a dream it is somehow a cosmic message that it has to be in the story and can never be changed’. Kinda the point of being awake is that i can look at things more rationally and plug the ol plotholes, yo!

* So anyway, the idea I had was that it would... just simply be an actual army of actual villains with actual motivations and moral ambiguity. I was thinking maybe the setting could be like the perspective of civilians trapped in-between a civil war between two countries, just trying to survive and hoping that the promise of reincforcements coming to evacuate is actually true. The gamneplay of holding the fort and constantly gunning down enemies could be even more depressing when you know that not all of them are necessarily evil, they’re just soldiers doing their job. Maybe its ambiguous whether your country or their country shot first, maybe its like their country is suffering from some form of recession or illness or lack of resources and they’re only trying to conquer this other country because their families are dying at home? Maybe its some form of religious conflict, or maybe its even something with a very villainous dictator running the show but the people working underneath them are just normal citizens forcibly drafted into a war they dont believe in. There’s a whole pile of different possibilities for moral ambiguity, yo! Not sure yet which would work best, hmm...

* Might possibly be an opportunity to use a character I’ve been sitting on for a while but couldnt find a story that suited her. After I played Fe: Awakening I felt really uncomfortable about how the game treated Excellus as if he was hateable only because he was ugly and ambiguously gay/transgender. like.. he’s a horrible jerk of a villain yet the plot really overfocuses on insulting his appearance and gender rather than retaliating against the things he actually does. Made me feel sympathy for a jerk I never wanted to feel sympathy for! So I kinda ended up being inspired by the wasted potential and thinking up an idea for a similar character who actually IS sympathetic, and has the ambiguous LGBTQ aspect properly explored as a plotline. I think it could actually be powerfully sympathetic to see this villain who’s constantly degraded and misgendered by her teammates, and has a lot of reason to believe the worst of humanity. Someone who could switch sides if shown some basic decency by our heroes, maybe? And I felt it could be good if she did have a very similar personality to Excellus, just like a good version of it. She could still be a comic relief egotistical person, but not a murderous monster. And the ego could be like... sad, because she’s purposely trying to act unaffected and secure and like she loves herself, when really she’s being treated like shit and doesnt know if she deserves it or not. And I was thinking also possibly she could be a greedy merchant type character, like Anna? (also from Fe: Awakening) That could be the role she takes in the town once you recruit her, she could be a savvy businesswoman badass! Playing rune factory 4 makes me appreciate how cool a trader character can be, Arthur is so neato~! He talks about it like its the most amazing job ever, I just feel like it could be even cooler if we had that passion along with a more goofy greedy personality. Like ‘hahaha im only in it for the money’, but no, she really has this kinda cheesy cute reason why she does the job, she just really enjoys meeting new people and being able to change the world a little piece at a time. It reaffirms her faith in humanity after all she’s been through. (Tho also she’s still a total badass, since she was a former general of the villain country, after all!)

* Oh and I was thinking of a really tragic alternative route for her if you don’t recruit her. You could fight her multiple times throughout the game and then when you get to the final one and she realizes there’s no escape she suddenly drops the comic relief act and it gets really somber. I was thinking maybe she could have a mentor type character or a friend or a love interest or something? Or some other something she was trying to keep safe all along, some reason why she still had hope, some reason why she was fighting for an army she didnt believe in, just to save up enough money for... some sort of life goal? I dunno, maybe she has a sibling who’s in the hospital and she’s trying to save up for treatment, and then on the day of the final battle she gets a telegram hearing that they died and she wasnt even there to say goodbye. (And the death would somehow be directly caused by the player’s actions, thus determining whether you recruit her or not) So even though every time before she always flaked out like a coward with a comedic quip as soon as it looked like she was losing, now she just doesnt have anything else left to lose. This time she WILL NOT LET YOU redeem her, she will not let you SPARE her, she doesnt even speak a single word in the entire battle. Her difficulty spikes immensely in this fight to the death, and she only cracks a smile and gives a parting quip once you’ve dealt the final blow. And I was just imagining it could be EXTRA depressing combined with her plot of facing predjudice for being transgender! She’s spent most of this time being treated by the other commanders as ‘sir [name]’, gritting her teeth and bearing all this degredation, trying not to stand out too much. But in the end now nobody else is here to put her down, all those other ‘brave knights’ are the ones who ran away like cowards and left the ‘coward’ to take the last stand. And she doesnt care if she dies anymore. So she hangs up her armour for this fight and instead decides to go out in all her finery, wearing the dress she’s kept locked away in her trunk the whole time. Walking onto the battlefield like a bloody bride, and being one hell of a monster boss battle despite missing all of her platemail. A whirling dance of death! To go out smiling! To maybe make her family proud, and if she can meet them on the other side she could do it with the face she always wanted to wear.

* ....basically make it super depressing so you regret your actions and go back and see what the other option leads to. But also so badass that people wouldnt regret seeing the scene, yknow? And this might be the height of her character arc, kinda, but she’d be able to have whole new character arcs if you choose to recruit her. And you can make your own badass battles with her now! * Not sure tho whether maybe the family member/mentor/whoever might die either way though? That could fit the bittersweet found-family themes of the game, pretty much everybody’s someone who’s lost their biological relations and found new people to love in this new community. It could just be like... the choice between this person dying tragically and causing merchant-general-lady to commit suicide, or them passing away naturally due to their illness after saying goodbye to her, leading to her joining the heroes to try and prevent tragedies like this. * A possible other EVEN MORE tragic idea I had- an alternative where this person has already been dead for a long time before the start of the story, and the villain leader has been lying to merchant-general in order to keep her working as their minion. So the player choice would be like... you can reveal it to her and purposely send her into a suicidal spiral as an attempt to destabilize the enemy forces and win an important battle. Its a complete dick move, yes, but it could save the lives of all your family and friends! But then if you believe that this merchant-general is actually redeemable you could like... do the same thing but with different motives, in a different way. Reveal it in less of a sadistic, tactically-planned way, and more of a ‘no seriously this is why you cant trust your boss’ way. And she’d be likely to actually believe you if you’d been befriending her before now. * Or perhaps maybe her sibling died years ago and she heard about it but was unable to accept it, since it was her only reason to keep on going. Maybe she feels guilt that she was too busy making money to try and save them, and that meant she wasnt there to hold their hand when they passed away. So now she keeps on hoarding money for no purpose at all, except because this routine keeps her going. And she keeps writing letters to someone who’s already dead. * buuuut that might be too similar to Malachi’s plot, since he has memory problems regarding a tragic event in his past. Though it was his own death rather than a family member’s! ....actually I dunno, maybe a twist could be that he’s actually her lost sibling? That’d kinda be wrapping things up too coincidentally though. But on the other hand it could be an interesting plot to explore his relationship with his newly returned biological sibling, compared to the adoptive relationship he’s been developing with Florin. RIVALS FOR TINY BABBU’S LOVE! Buuuuuut I also liked the idea of Florin’s death being very far back in the timeline, and he’s been sleeping underneath those ruins for over a century. It could be cool to have him experiencing a lot of things for the first time, and to get a perspective on the past before the war...

* ALSO ANOTHER POTENTIAL CHARACTER IDEA * Another enemy recruit maybe! I seem to be going in twos, I made two demon characters and now two redeemy people XD The idea I had was that this could be just a random soldier that you keep as a prisoner, and have to decide whether to execute him or not. It can be hard to keep prisoners of war when you’re stuck in this seige situation and you barely even have enough food to keep your own teammates alive! Tensions could run high because you’re choosing to keep this guy alive when its making things worse for us all, plus we cant really trust him, seriously?? He surrendered but maybe its just a trap to infiltrate us! He claims a sob story of his country being forced to invade us because of famine, and being drafted against his will, but can we trust anything that comes from the mouth of one of those scum?? And then there’s the question of what exactly you’ll do with him if you think he cant be trusted! Are you able to execute him in cold blood? Do you set him free and hope this decision doesnt come back to bite you in the ass? Do you try and execute him while pretending you didnt- setting him loose in the forest to die of exposure or at the hands of his own former comrades...?? And its very annoying because the entire time he’s insistantly begging you to kill him, and generally being a huge downer! :P This is what convinces you to spare him, if you pick that option. It starts off as just ‘I’m gonna spite you, I won’t let you die if its what you want’, but eventually you realise he really never wanted to be part of this war, and he’s weighed down so much by his sins that his pleading for suicide was completely genuine. There’s no spy plots, he was just a simple farmer thrown into battle with nothing more than the clothes on his back and the sharpest pitchfork he could salvage from the wreckage of his old farm before it was torn down. The famine ruined his business and he had no way of surviving unless he sold his land to the army, to be bulldozed and turned into the site of a new weapons factory. And even after that he ended up forcibly drafted when things got even worse, losing what little livelihood he’d managed to scrape together again. He doesnt have a home to go back to, he just wanted to die on the battlefield, and by all odds he SHOULD HAVE! This is the condition of this latest round of ‘soldiers’, nobody even wastes armour on them, theyre just disposeable fodder to be mowed down as a distraction. What shitty luck, that he just happened to get captured by some bleeding-heart fools who refuse to chop his damn head off! So basically I’m imagining him like a Nanu-esque depressed grandpa who’s kinda sassy sometimes but also really really needs a hug. And like... model prisoner, to a comical degree. When he comes to terms with the fact he aint gonna get killed no matter how much he begs, he’s just like ‘dammit i cant help but help’. He’s just a normal good guy at heart, he’s not really on your side so to speak, he loved his country but he didnt agree with them wanting to wipe out your country either. he misses how his country used to be, and he doesnt know anything about your country or whether its any better, he doesnt have much hope. But when he’s stuck with nothing to do all day, he just cant help subconciously falling into kindly grandpa behaviours! Gotta clean up this cell! Hey, do you want some cookery tips, mr guard? Oh whoops, mr guard you dropped the cell keys, here have them back! Hey this bar over here has poor structural integrity, I tried to rope it back together with a braid of my own back hair! All the time he’s trying to trick you into agreeing to execute him, and being a total sycophant agreeing with everyone who says he’s evil. CMON IM TOTALLY EVIL, PLEASE STAB ME, I’LL BAKE YOU COOKIES! And then as time goes on he just becomes less of a prisoner and ends up making friends with everyone, winning the trust of even those who opposed him the most at the start. All entirely unwillingly! Agreeing with all their oppositions so hard that they stop opposing XD He ends up just pottering around doing odd jobs as a janitor/groundskeeper type guy, even ends up being the one in charge of keeping the keys to the jail he started off in. Somehow the most trustworthy man in the whole town, cos he’s the one person who will never say he’s trustworthy! His humble goodness just shines through~! And he could help out a lot cos he has inside info on the enemy army, and is able to give a sympathetic perspective of the everyday citizens’s life, and just how much dissent there is, how few people are willingly cooperating with the war and how they can find allies and destabilize this regime based entirely on fear instead of loyalty. He’s like a ray of hope that changes everyone’s perspective on this big seemingly-inpeneterable all-evil army! A grumpy suicidal ray of hope, who never shuts up about how hopeless it is! XD of course, eventually he’d be able to find new reason to live in this own, and make friends, and have hugs and joy~! But it’d be a hard journey! And a journey filled with a lot of ‘geez grandpa stop joking about suicide holy shit’ *disciplinary hugs* * Tho actually I dunno if a farmer would be a good career choice for him, I just picked it cos its the easiest to imagine him losing his livelihood in the war. His career in the town would be being this janitor kindly advice man/treasurer sort of guy, but i dunno... if he was a banker before then that makes him too similar to general lady :P ...maybe he was a janitor on someone else’s farm...? Honestly I would love an excuse to have a badass sympathetic janitor man and go on a bit of a small rant about how service work is very physically demanding and deserves a higher minimum wage yknow. RESPECT JANIGRAMP ... actually the name Jani is a good name his name is now jani it is law Jani the groundskeeper, because jani the janitor sounds dumb. SYNONYMS!

* Thinking of ideas for the fictional religion I’m gonna create for this world! Its more fun if we have a completely fictional set of traditions that’re just a general metaphor for topical questions about real life religion n stuff. And it would sidestep the problem of plots accidentally seeming like theyre ‘oh this one religion is evil and false’, when really the point i want to make is about how people of all religions are capable of perverting their faith’s peaceful teachings and using it as an excuse to wage wars. hell, athiests have done the same thing! ‘this religion is inherantly evil bwaaaah’ stuff IS athiests using their own beliefs as an excuse to hurt others. Thats the kind of athiest I never want to be! I completely respect religion and I think that we can never have an answer as to what’s true about creation or an afterlife, we can never know until we die. I don’t believe in heaven, but I dont think I have absolute proof it’s wrong, and I dont care about proving myself right or converting people. I feel inspired when I see people draw strength from their religion, even if I don’t believe in it! Lots of great things have been done in the name of different religions, just like lots of terrible things have. Human beings are great and terrible things, human beings make choices. This doesnt tar everyone with the same brush of whoever made the wrong decision, just because they believe in the same gods! ....man, sorry, I went off on a mini rant there. But yeah, what I hope to do is to have religion as a framing device and discuss some problems with certain so-called religious people, but also show the positive side of it via the protagonists. I mean, the whole point is that you’re living in a church, after all! The idea is that you’d hear a lot of horror stories of other people acting very ungodly in the name of god, both in the enemy army and in the hidden secrets of people in your own country’s government. But the goal is that you see all this hellish stuff and you still choose to be a bastion of what you believe is good and true, you learn from these mistakes and try and make the true sanctuary that everyone was seeking when they fell into the traps of those other monsters. And also I was thinking it;d be like the protagonist’s exploration of being agnostic, after her faith was shaken from her original church being destroyed in this war. She was the only survivor, maliciously left alive by [currently unnamed main villain rival guy], who wanted her to suffer the grief of knowing she’d failed her role as protector. But instead she travelled onwards and found this other church full of defenseless people that need a new guardian, and she is FUCKING DETERMINED to never fail again! It started as just seeking revenge against that evil overlord, but instead its become about protecting these new people and regaining her faith in humanity. And that doesnt necessarily mean regaining her faith, that’s up to the player. She has a journey of realizing that some things about her former church may have actually been corrupt, and that she was just blindly following instead of making her own decisions, She has her hero worship of her dead comrades dismantled, and has to come to her own conclusions about what’s right and wrong in the scriptures she’d learned, and what she’ll do as she goes forward. Its up to the player to decide whether she regains her faith or decides to become an athiest in the end, or even remains agnostic and decides she isnt able to find an answer yet, but either way she will still be forged into a true blue hero, no matter the reasons behind it! I wanna make all options an equally good ending, its just a personal choice that changes some scenes but not necessarily the course of the story.

* Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Religion ideas! I was considering possibly the legend could involve something about ‘an absent god’. The traditions say that humanity failed the creator long ago, and they left us behind because of it. The direction of all religion is based around this idea that we are inherantly born sinful, and have to do certain things in order to appease our ancestors’s sins and bring the gods back. I’m thinking it would be a good idea to create multiple sects of religion that’re variants on the same original holy text, that’s something that fictional religions dont tend to do for some reason. In this case it could be different perspectives on how exactly god dissappeared, and what exactly god saw as our sin, what on earth we have to do to make up for it. And I was thinking that the idea could be that god shattered into a million pieces that were scattered across the world. This leads to territory wars over places that’ve been determined to contain remains of god buried beneath the earth, and people invading indigenous civilizations in the name of holy tasks to dig for these relics. Power struggles over how many god burial grounds your country owns at any given time, controversy every time a digging operation fails to find a crystal. Pieces of god being used practically as currency, used to power magical weaponry in these wars... lies and deceit over fake godstones that no-one can prove you don’t own... * And this way even though magic does clearly exist in this world, it leaves it ambiguous whether religion is true, and whether any of the different sects is more accurate about the true will of god. It would seem reasonable that athiests exist here even when magic exists, thats usually a problem in fictional settings, you have gods right out here in the open yet some people still dont believe in them? XD It’d be like... yes maybe all these crystals that grant magical powers are actually fragments of an absent god. Maybe they grant those magical powers because of the reasons scripture tells us. Maybe if you bring them all together you can meet god and be granted one wish, maybe you could end the war. Buuuuuuuut.... maybe there’s just a natural crystal that grows underground and grants magical powers. Maybe nothing happens when you put it all together. Maybe it’s just like how people considered electricity to be unpredictable divine punishment before we learned how to harness it for ourselves.

* And there could be like... sects of the religion who believe god chose to leave us out of shame for our sinfulness, sects who believe a certain group of humans betrayed god and shattered them, thus holy war is justified against that country. Perhaps even sects that believe that god being shattered was a positive thing, that god chose to give fragments of their power to humans so they could choose their own destiny. (This is considered as scandalous as satan-worship in-universe) And there’s a related sect that believes that humans only even came into existance after the shattering event, that shattering into pieces was how god granted sentience and free will to the angelic servants we used to be. And this has permenantly corrupted us, thus the sin that we need to undo in order to retun god is... individuality, in all its forms. I think these are the ones who had the very extreme fanatical members who ran Malachi’s former church, and committed various atrocities including his murder. (Though, again, this doesnt mean that the viewpoint is inherantly evil. Just the people who took it from ‘tranquility, enlightenment and fealty to fellow man’ to ‘LITERALLY NO INDIVIDUALITY EVER’) ....hmmm, actually the morality system could be even more complex if I nail down a set of different factions of the religion and let you choose between all of them in the end. (or choosing none of them, or choosing your own interpretation) And there’d sorta be a fanatical/critical morality bar too, which determines whether you get the good or bad ending. In this case ‘critical’ would be the good option, I mean it more like... ‘I’ve analyzed everything about this scripture and come to my own conclusions, I won’t do anything immoral out of blind belief unless I actually have reasons to agree that it’s the right choice’. Aka how any normal good person decides on a religion to follow. And the fanatical side would be leaning towards never questioning. So sometimes you would have to like... take options that would seem like ‘the bad option’. Dont just blindly agree with everything that points to a particular faction viewpoint, that’ll lead to badness! Sometimes you have to question things, take it from the perspective of a character who is discovering their own faith, rather than a player who already knows from the beginning what option they want to pick.

* Man this has got complicated lol, I’m starting to ramble!

* Anyway, i was thinking this would explain what the ‘demons’ are, in this world. Normally humans can only use magic by using godstone as a power source, demon is a universal term for all creatures that are made of magic and can use it infinately as part of their very being. They’re considered unholy and must be destroyed, because they’re ‘imprisoning’ a shard of god inside them. And its really unfair because its a complete and utter random chance if someone becomes a demon when they die, you can live your entire life thinking you’re a normal human until the godstone in your heart activates and saves your life. Your life which is now ressurected in a monsterous form and can never return to your old family. The traditions say that it only happens to people who are sinful, thus they totally deserve to be slain, of course! Oh, and I think the main evil army guys would be using demons as weapons, which is part of why the anti-demon sentiment is like... even worse than usual in the protagonist’s country. Its incredibly depressing because demons are completely sentient, and the only way they become mindless battle monsters is if they’re tortured beyond breaking point. The same way you’d reduce a human to that state. But the protagonist starts off not even knowing that demons can talk until she meets Florin, she’s only ever seen these demonic ‘soldiers’ that’re really just whipped and beaten prisoners chained together and thrown towards the enemy in the hope both parties kill each other. “Yeah but why do so many demons ally with the empire?” *florin looks into the camera like he’s on the office* And I was thinking maybe a more positive religious interpretation of the existance of demons could be that they’re actually angels instead. (Yeah, even if this religion is very different its gonna probably have a lot of similarities to protestant christianity since that’s what I was raised in. i dont feel comfortable critcising someone else’s religion that I’m not personally experienced with, yknow?) ANYWAY SORRY FOR THAT ASIDE Yeah, there could be some very rare pro-demon religious folk who believe that those who are reborn after death are actually chosen ones rather than sinful. These fragments of god blessed certain people who were pure enough in heart to earn the power to be able to enact god’s love to the world. Because even though god is in pieces, god very much wants to forgive us. These magical beings are sent as god’s messengers to help guide us on the right path to redemption. That’s why they have such great powers of creation! (though others would say its destruction...) A single plant demon like Florin could watch over and sustain an entire forest, revive it from drought and become a cornerstone to build a whole city around! Though even this faction isnt 100% correct or incorruptable, there are those who’d interpret this as demons having a DUTY to do that. There are rogue members of this faction who enslave demons just as much as the people who use them as weapons. I was thinking a plot could be that Florin almost gets suckered in by a band of these guys, he’s just so overwhelmed to find anyone who doesnt hate demons! But they want to imprison him and force him to grow their crops forever until he dies of exhaustion, because that’ll mean he’s ~happily fullfilled his purpose and rejoined god~. I mean, if he says he doesnt want to, thats just so sad! That means this pure angel has been corrupted by humanity’s sin, he doesnt know what he’s saying! * man i have so many ideas aaaaa