#lugie says something stupid

[lugiepie]

ginger stop eating my fucking grilled cheeses they are NOT yours

[sabraeal]

Sic Semper Monstrum, Chapter 6

[Read on AO3]

Obiyukiweek 2021, Day 2: Death Upright: Change, Ending, Release Reversed: Refusal to Change, Unfulfillment, Stagnation

A seam strains along a well-worn shoulder, so stretched he can actually hear it creak over the din of the canteen. That clinches is: that asshole’s got to be picking out too-small fatigues from the GI bin.

There’s no other way for him to look like that, biceps testing the tensile strength of cotton every time he takes a sip of his coffee. Sure, this guy’s jacked the way all the active rangers are, ready to heave 750 tons of metal onto their backs at a moment’s notice, but he’s not Mitsuhide. It makes sense when he pops buttons off his coverall, or stretches out one of their dingy cotton tees. But that’s not this asshole.

He’s lean, the kind that telegraphs that taking an elbow from him might be career limiting. There’s no reason the general issue tee should cling to his back like it’s painted on, his coverall hanging off his hips like he’s got an occupation other than freeloading. Shirayuki leans over, fingertips brushing over his sleeve with a laugh--

“Just punch him already,” Kiki drawls, “get it out of your system.”

Zen blinks, suddenly aware there’s still some Taco Tuesday left in his mouth. “What?”

“Kiki.” Dark bruises circle the skin beneath Mitsuhide’s eyes, underscoring the weary strain in his voices. “We shouldn’t be encouraging that sort of behavior.”

“Why not?” Her elbows dig into formica as she leans over her plate, shoveling rice into her mouth. At her father’s table, Kiki knows the use of every spoon, the name of every fork, but this deep in the dome, Ranger Seiran’s never met a meal she can’t inhale in five minutes flat. “I did it.”

Air hisses right through his perfect teeth, the only sign he’s annoyed besides the tense bar of his shoulders. “And you’re lucky you didn’t get caught.”

Kiki hums around the lip of her mug. “You mean like you did with Lugis?”

Mitsuhide doesn’t have skin like his, the sort that flares up like flash paper at the barest hint of sun or taunting. But still his neck flushes red as a burn, so bright Zen’s half tempted to slap it, just so he knows what it’s like.

“T-that was an accident,” he insists, even as his mouth settles into a satisfied smile. “Even the inquiry said so.”

It’s a struggle to keep his own from curling at the edges. “Only because Lugis didn’t want to press charges.”

“Only because he didn’t want it getting out that a girl ran circles around him on the mat,” Kiki corrects, each word a scalpel’s slice, excising those particulars from that shitshow with surgical precision. They can talk about this; Lugis’s challenge and the way Kiki swept him; that he was hardly on his feet when Mitsuhide somehow mislaid his fist and found it in his face, but everything else, the whys of it--

Those are all off the record. Forever. Or at least they would be, if Lugis wasn’t crawling through the dome like a stoat that’s caught whiff of an egg.

But that’s not what this is about. “And you want me to do that with that asshole?” Zen mutters. “Since it made Mitsuhide such good friends with Lugis, after all.”

“Obi isn’t Hisame,” Kiki informs him with the kind of steel in her tone that suggests she won’t be taking critique on that particular assessment. “All your issues with him are external.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he snaps, teeth gritting down.

It’s a mistake, a rookie one at that: never ask a Seiran a question you don’t want the answer to. “He’s got Shirayuki’s attention and you don’t.”

Mitsuhide clears his throat, shoulders set like Zen better plan to shelter in place. This particular storm isn’t about to hit its usual conversational breakwall. “Attention you’d have, if you hadn’t skipped out on your session.”

Zen grips the table to take that hit. But it’s not nearly the last; the stare Kiki turns to him is wide-eyed, half-betrayed. “You didn’t say anything about that.”

“It’s none of your business.” Even as the words fly from him, he knows it’s not fair, that he’s spitting nails into the wind so that they’ll hurt someone else instead of him. It doesn’t stop him, it never does, but a guilty knot settles in his gut. “The sessions are voluntary. They always have been. I don’t need--”

“Someone to keep your head on straight?” Every syllable snaps like ice, her eyes twice as cold. “That was the whole point, wasn’t it? So if something happens to us, you’d have--”

He can’t listen to this, not another word. “That was never the plan! I would never plan for you guys...”

Not coming back. For Redwood Dancer to be left a ruin on the sea floor, their bodies strapped in, hermetically sealed until the ocean wore the jaeger down to parts.

“Nothing is happening to you guys,” he grits out. “Shirayuki was always an addition, not a-- a replacement, because you’ll never--”

“No one can promise that.” Mitsuhide’s never one to throw a first punch, but oh, does he know how to end a fight. All the breath’s knocked clean out of him, and there’s Dancer’s right hand, shoveling down another bite of rice like it’s nothing. “Every time we go out there it’s a flip of a coin. It doesn’t matter how good we are, one day there’s going to be a kaiju that kicks us clean off our feet.”

He shakes his head, wishing the words would fall right out of them. “No. That’s not--”

“Zen.” He’s never heard a siren’s call, but it can’t be as inexorable as Mitsuhide saying his name in that tone, both firm and pitying and mournful all at once. “You know better than anyone. Rangers don’t grow old.”

There’s no thought when he levers himself up from the table, just up with away chasing its heels. He just can’t be here listening to this, not now, not after they just barely crawled home from another kaiju clawing its way across Korea’s shoreline. Not when he knows he should be fighting shoulder-to-shoulder with them-- that he would be if they stopped trying to saddle him with every rookie that rolled out of the simulator and finally put him with the only person that could fill that brace beside him.

“Zen!”

It’s easy to ignore Mitsuhide’s shout over the dinner rush; it’s just part of the noise, a buzz at the edge of his senses. Something to goad him, to push him out of there before either of them think to follow after. Their pity’s the last thing he needs, the last thing he wants. After all, it’s not him that won’t climb in the Conn-Pod, but his--

“Boss!”

Zen blinks, the empty corridor resolving around him. He’d let his feet carry him, their only imperative away-- and now he’s all turned around, every bulkhead the same. He’s heard about this happening to rangers when they lived in the dome too long; chasing the Minotaur, a ranger called it, three drinks down at the local hangar. And no fine little princess to give you string to find your way out.

Except he did have one of those. A person to help him through the labyrinth, even if she couldn’t show him the way. He’d been avoiding her.

That seems stupid now. It’s not like she’s on that asshole’s--

“Hey! Hey, boss.”

Speak of the devil. Zen turns, and there he is, too-tight t-shirt and all: his own personal problem. “What do you want?”

“Nothing.” He holds out his hands, as if that’s proof enough to clear him of ulterior motives. “I just...saw you head out and it looked like...”

Zen’s shoulders square, body braced like they’re back on the mat. “Looked like what?”

Obi’s breath rushes out of him. “It looked like you shouldn’t be alone.”

It’s not until he lifts his hand that he realizes it’s trembling, barely able to push his bangs back where he needs them. “Yeah? And you thought-- what? I’d want to see you?” Even to his own ears, his laugh is bitter, wrong, like it came from someone else’s mouth. “You, the guy who won’t get out of my way?”

Something ripples across this asshole’s face, too fast for him to catch more than its wake. “You think I’m the stick stuck in the mud here?” When those strange cat’s eyes stare at him, it’s out of placid waters, but that grin on his face-- it doesn’t reach them. “Rock, meet hard place.”

Zen’s hands clench, so hard his knuckles creak. “You think this is a joke? You’re trying to shove your ass in a seat that isn’t for you, and you--”

“You think I want to be out there?” He lets out a bark somewhere between pitying and derisive, arms folding over his chest. Zen takes special care not to check how stressed his seams are. “I did my time, Your Highness. I got out. I got told no one would ever look for me again.”

“Then why are you here?” Zen spits. “No one wants you.”

“You don’t know how true I wish that was.” A hand pulls at his shoulder, long fingers digging in around the blade. “But your brother dragged me down the coast because I’m not done. I’ll never be done, because I can’t sit on the sidelines and watch Snotju or Head Banger or whatever cosmic asshole crawls out of the rift wreck another wall.”

His hand lifts, scrubbing through the bristle of his hair, just a shade too shaggy to be regulation. “It’s fucked up, isn’t it, Master? I’m the one who doesn’t want to be here, but I’m the one who’s got the balls to get back in that jaeger. And you--” a cold gaze rakes over him-- “you’re content to sit there and watch the world burn just because I’m not--”

“Shut up.” He’s trembling, every muscle straining against his self-control. “Shut the fuck up. You don’t know a goddamn thing--”

“I’ve been in your head,” that asshole reminds him. “I know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“You don’t.” He can’t. “You don’t fucking know a thing about me.”

He cocks a hip, grin loaded like a bullet. “The prove it.”

Kiki’s right: in the instant where his knuckles hit that cut-glass cheekbone, Zen feels great.

Shirayuki’s office has always put him at ease; he stepped in here the first time before she’d even properly covered the walls, the tension seeping right out of him into the push carpet under his boots. There’s just something about how she fills a space-- something that has nothing to do with furniture or wall hangings or motivational posters-- that makes his brain put out whatever chemical that means safe. He’d never understood why the other rangers avoided her, not when they could have forty minutes in the room equivalent of a warm hug.

But it’s different this time.

“Izana made you call me here.” He’s ramrod straight on her worn couch, hands clenched in his lap. Or rather, right over the throw pillow he moved to sit. “Didn’t he?”

“The Marshal’s personal feelings have nothing to do with this.” Her words snap like a window on a sill, closing on that topic with a sense of finality he expected from the top brass, not their therapist. “The PPDC’s code of conduct is quite clear on the procedure to be followed after a non-sanctioned physical altercation between personnel.”

There’s a loose thread right by the fringe; he’d noticed it months ago, but never dared to tug it. Every time he’d felt the urge, he’d think of dominoes and load-bearing pillars, of the whole edge unraveling in his hands right as she looked at him.

Today, he pulls. It comes right off with a snap. “And that’s the only reason you brought me in?“

Shirayuki turns to him, one incredulous brow raised. “You were the one who cancelled our last session--” her mouth twitches as she twists the knife-- “last minute.”

Well, he deserves that one. Sure, he’s had his reasons, but Shirayuki-- well, she deserved more than one step up from ghosting. If the thought of having to look anyone in the eye after all that hadn’t made his stomach turn for three days, maybe he would have come to that conclusion before Kiki ripped him a new one over it.

“Sorry about that,” he mutters, aware with every word that it’s not enough, that there’s not enough apologies to patch up the trust he broke. “I wasn’t...ready to talk.”

He expects the clap back; yeah I got the message, or but you were ready to take a swing? But he should have known: that’s not how Shirayuki works. She’s a professional, whether that’s what he wants from her or not.

Instead he face softens, right back into his friend. “I know. What happened in the drift can be...intense.” She hesitates, teeth sinking into the plush bow of her lip. “I just wish that you had felt comfortable conveying that to me. As my patient, you’re supposed to be able to control--”

“I don’t want to be your patient.”

Her mouth closes with a grunt, hand pressed to her stomach as if he hit her. “O-oh,” she murmurs, breathless. “I hadn’t realized that you, ah, wanted to terminate our sessions--”

“No!” God, it would be nice to be able to say this all smooth like he’s sure that jacked asshole can, leaning against a wall with his hand right by her head, sexual tension rocking the Richter scale. “I just meant--” his teeth try to grind down his thoughts into something palatable-- “Shirayuki, I don’t want to just be your patient.”

He could fall into her eyes they’re so wide, rounded ‘o’s that match her mouth’s geometry. “Ah, Zen, that’s...”

“I don’t mean because I-I like you.” Even though he does, but there’s rules for that. The kind the PPDC will look the other way on, but not Shirayuki. She’s not from under the dome; she still worries about what people might think outside of it. “I just...wish you were on my side.”

“I am on your side.” Her shoulders pull straight against the back of her chair, her soft look hardening into resolve. “Which is different from telling you want you want to hear.”

He jerks back, cheeks stinging like he’d been slapped. “I didn’t say I wanted that,” he mumbles, hands clenching over his lap. “But I don’t need you to tell me to do whatever it is Izana wants me to either.”

“I wasn’t going to.” The notebooks in her lap closes with a snap, and with trembling fingers, she sets aside her shield. “Izana wants you back in a jeager for the legacy. For the unbroken line of Wisterias standing between humanity and the rift. But I...”

Her eyes lift to his, and they’re no longer the lush, leafy green of a forest, but the hard glint of emerald. “If you get back in that cockpit, you need to do it for yourself.”

It’s an effort not to say, I don’t see the difference.

“I saw you when the siren went off.”

Zen scrubs a hand over his face; he remembers. Their eyes had met over that seething mass of fear and competence, and-- and he’d been so sure that if he saw her, something more than that glimpse of red in the corner of his vision, he’d forget every inch of his resolve and go to her. That he’d just take her in his arms and tell her all the thoughts roiling in the sea of his mind, but--

But he hadn’t. He’s taken one look at her and, without even a pang of guilt, left her there. A real hero.

“Zen.” She says his name so firmly, so seriously, that his head jerks up, gaze tangling with hers. “You don’t want to be on the sidelines. You don’t want to be the general hiding being his troops. You want to be out there, Rex Tyrannis shoulder-to-shoulder with Redwood Dancer. And you could be.”

It’s his breath that’s rasping, the death rattle of the man he’s let himself be these past few years. “How?”

There’s not an ounce of hesitation in her when she says. “You have to choose to move forward.”

And cozy up in the cockpit with that asshole. He thinks about that grin, cocked with a confidence he’s never been in the neighborhood of having, and...

It’s so familiar that his double vision makes his head pound. “I can’t work with that-- Obi. I won’t.”

“I know that...” Her lips press together, bursting apart with a pop. “I know there’s no limit to the amount of people a ranger could potentially drift with, but there’s something...special when you find the right one. That there’s something right about it than can’t ever be replaced.”

He stares, head galloping in his chest. She shouldn’t know that-- there’s no way she could. Most rookies out of the academy just drift successfully once, and that’s it-- that’s their partner, for better or worse, like marrying the first kid you kiss. There’s exceptions-- emergencies, injury, irreconcilable differences-- but even though this job has a high turnover...rangers rarely die alone. There’s not enough people for a paper.

“Yeah, I’ve...heard that too.” Probably from the same mouth she did, though it seems Mitsuhide’s polished the speech since he last gave it. To him, at least.

“I understand that you have a vision of who you want beside you in the pod,” Shirayuki presses, voice growing tighter, more tense with every word. “But Atri’s gone.”

Every drop of blood in him turns to ice. “Atri?”

Her breath hisses out through her teeth, relief slumping her shoulders. “I know no one can be him, but--”

“You think this is about Atri?” A giggle bubbles up from him, bitter on his tongue. “I’ve been sitting here for weeks-- no, months! And you think all this, the whole reason I won’t climb in a jaeger with just anyone off the street is because of Atri?”

Every corner of her face lost. “Isn’t it?”

“No, I...” He pinches the bridge of his nose, like it might stem the pounding of his heart behind his brow. This whole time he’d been so careful, trying to be understood for once, to let someone see him instead of his mistakes--

But he should have known; as long as his brother is obsessed with sending him an endless parade of nobodies which he sits behind a desk, it’ll only be his hang ups hung out for everyone to rifle through.

“I should go,” he finally manages, levering himself to his feet. The room spins, his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, but he can’t stay here, not when she thinks-- when she’s always thought--

“Zen,” she murmurs, voice muffled by distance. “Are you all right?”

--That he’s pathetic. “Yeah.” He stumbles to the door, swinging it open. “I just need to--”

And of course, standing right there is that asshole, hand half-raised to knock.

“Boss,” he breathes, clearly stunned. “I, uh, didn’t think you’d be...”

The awkwardness in the office is palpable, so thick that he might as well be moving through molasses. Before this guy showed up, he’d though he had half a chance; he was practically the only one outside of K-Science that would even look at her, and his sessions always felt like more, but now--

Well, it’s no wonder he didn’t stand half a chance next to him, if she thought he was waiting for Atri.

“Don’t worry about it.” Zen pushes back him, shoulder clipping his. Or at least near enough to claim the feat. “I’d hate to keep you two from your--” date-- “dinner plans.”

Shirayuki’s breath gasps from her. “Zen, wait, we’re not--”

“It’s fine,” he lies, every muscle tense where he stands, fighting the urge to look back. “A couple of things are clearer now.”

It’s not just her. They all think he’s waiting for him, that one day he might stroll back in here like nothing happened, and Zen--

“Please.” Shirayuki’s voice trembles, and even if he’s not looking, he knows she’s at the door, vibrating in its frame. “Let’s just finish the session.”

-- and Zen’s been giving them nothing else to work with. All these years, looking like a kid stood up on prom night.

“No, I just remembered there’s something I’ve got to do.” He forces a smile on his face, giving her a bare hint of it as he peeks over his shoulder. “I’ll see you next week.”

It kills him how much hope lights in her eyes. “Next week?”

“That our appointment, isn’t it?” he says, light tone limping. “Unless I see you around the dome before then.”

“Right,” she breathes, cheeks flushed at both corners of her smile. Obi’s watching her, concern writ large in his eyes, and well-- maybe he’s not as much of an asshole as Zen wanted to believe. “Until then.”

He gets halfway down the hall, before Obi calls out, “Hey, boss...”

It’s clear when he looks back that Obi hadn’t meant to speak, but now that he has, he clear his throat, giving himself a visible shake.

“You could come with us,” he says, hesitant. “If you wanted.”

It’s an olive branch, one he doesn’t deserve. One he should take, if he wants all this to heal over without a scar. But he’s not ready for that, not yet.

“No.” He shakes head. “I wasn’t joking about having something I got to do. Go enjoy yourselves.”

This is a terrible idea.

He knows it the entire time he’s walking, the anxiety cresting the second he sees the plate on the door, engraved and letters painted black: IZANA WISTERIA. MARSHAL.

“Well,” Izana hums from his desk. “Are you going pace outside my office all day, or are you planning to come in?”

Zen lets out a rush of breath and pushes the door open the rest of the way.

“You win,” he says, all in a rush. “I’ll do it. I’ll give him another chance.”

“I think at this point, he’s giving you another chance,” Izana tells him, barely glancing up from his pile of papers. “But...I’ll arrange it.”

He nearly says, I figured you’d have it all arranged already, but bites it back. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure. And Zen.” His brother looks up, capping his pen calmly before he folds his hands over the desk. “It’s not me who wins. It’s humanity.”

“Yeah,” he breathes, meeting that steely gaze. “But I’m not doing it for them.”

For once, his brother doesn’t have anything to say.

It’s Obi who’s locked in first this time.

His cheeky smile is already waiting when Zen steps on deck, body gripped by Rex Tyrannis’s hydraulics when he throws him a wink. “Second time’s the charm, right Your Highness?”

“Third time,” Zen mutters, keying in his code. “It’s third time’s the charm.”

“Right, but you were top of your class.” A guy like Obi shouldn’t be so comfortable when he’s got twenty tons pinning him in place, not when he’s got a face just asking to be hit. “So we can shave one of those off, right?”

“Depends.” His mouth twitches. “Where did you rank?”

Obi’s grin grows stiff enough to float. “I think you’d say I’m a natural talent.”

“That bad huh?”

A laugh saws out of him, raw in the loud silence of the pod. “You have no idea.”

“I think I could take a guess.” The hydraulics hug Zen tight; even lifting to his arm to the panel is a chore. “Ready?”

“For you?” Obi’s mouth stretches into a leer.  For once, he feels like he’s in on the joke. “Any time.”

Don’t chase the rabbit. It’s Obi’s voice that says it; not the way he had before, serious and concerned, a scolding and a reminder. No, this one is a laugh restrained, sing-song. One pill makes you big and one makes you small.

There’s a faint riff of guitar, and Zen’s about to tell him to can it, that putting trash in the drift just clogged up the flow, but--

But between one breath-- one blink and the next, he’s lost in the tide, rolling through his memories rudderless. When a hand grips his shoulder and--

“I’m ready.” Zen’s always too honest, too eager but he’s young here, younger than he ever remembers being wearing the badge. “To pick up the legacy. To be what father meant us to be.”

The memory runs true, his younger self still chatting away with Shidnote, unaware that his whole world’s about to be cut off at the knees. But he’s not watching that now, he’s watching the way shadows crawl across his brother’s face, a storm front that appears and vanishes in the moments no one looks.

“About that.” Izana settles his hand on the desk, but the drumming is no longer bored but...nervous. An asynchronous beat that runs at the speed of his thoughts. “I meant to tell you. I’m being promoted.”

“Promoted” The word still kicks his legs out from under him, still knocks the wind out of his lungs as efficiently as any punch to the gut. “But I thought we would--”

“They want me in a command capacity now that Mother’s taking over Anchorage.” Izana won’t look at him. The man who has built his career on being able to stare down Orochi in Sagami Bay can’t bear to look him in the eye. “I’m being taken off active duty.”

“But--” He looks between them. “But--”

“But--”

“But--”

The memory stutters. It’s him, he’s the one who’s pushing away. He’d always thought he couldn’t give this to someone, to some guy right off the street, someone who might pity him, but it’s-- it’s him. He can’t look at this. He can’t face failure another time.

And he doesn’t know how to stop.

Hey. Obi’s voice is too close, but he’s just an outline in the drift, blues and grays fuzzing between misfiring synapses. Hey, we don’t have to watch this.

They do. They have to, if he’s going to get through this.

Right. There’s no way for Obi to sigh here, where there’s no air, but he does, long and loud. It sounds...different. Almost...feminine. I have worse. Want to see me wet the bed when I was--?

The words fuzz before they can continue. Go ahead, Obi says, sounding like himself. Take as much time as you need. It’s not like we have clocks here.

Zen can’t nod here, not without a body, but he breathes, one solid in and out--

“It’s supposed to be us.” Even with the distance of time, every word is carves straight from his flesh, laid out on a platter for his brother to see. “We’re supposed to carry on the legacy.”

“Shidnote will continue on in his current capacity,” Izana explains, bored, as if he didn’t even speak. “He’s served me well. I’m sure you’ll both be sufficiently compatible.”

“But--” Zen grits his teeth. “It’s supposed to be us. Why are you giving me an excuse--?

He blinks. He never said that. He’d been thinking it the whole way to his bunk, but in the moment it had only been a yes sir. I understand, sir.

Then why--

“It’s an excuse.” The shine’s all worn off Atri’s grin, baring the raw edge beneath. “That’s all I’ve ever been to you.”

Scrap litters the floor at his feet; he’s never known what jaeger-grade parts sold for on the black market, but he knows it’s not pocket money. This is a small fortune if someone knew where to sell it.

Which clearly Atri does.

“You’re going to blame me?” Zen’s laugh limps with bitterness. “I catch you with stolen goods, and it’s my--?”

“It’s not stolen, it’s salvage,” Atri snaps, snatching a length of steel from his hands. “It’s not like they’re using it.”

A lie-- there’s not a shred of steel or wire that’s wasted in the dome. Jaegars come with a price tag that only governments can pay, and any corner that can be safely cut on maintenance is considered savings passed onto tax payers. There’s no way he can’t know it, not after six months, but--

He doesn’t care. He never did.

“This is why you agreed to be my copilot.” Every word aches as he births them from his lips, a truth that cuts even as he speaks it. “You didn’t care about protecting your friends. You just wanted access to parts.”

Atri shrugs, the barest twitch of his shoulders. “I never said I gave a single fuck about all that hero shit. You just assumed I did, because you do.”

“But the drift...” His breath wheezes, the way it did when he was a kid, before his dad paid for all that to be fixed. “How did you...?”

“I just thought about the stuff you cared about. Friends. Kaiju. Me.” Atri’s grin turns smug. “Some of us don’t wear our heart on our sleeves, Wisteria.”

Wow. Obi’s outline fuzzes as he circles behind Atri, a single brow raised. He’s a real fucknut, huh?

His memories are jumbles, him-now and him-then all tumbled together until his first instinct is to jump to Atri’s defense. He may not be an academy-trained ranger, someone who has a lifetime worth of experience in a simulator, but put him in Rex Tyrannis and he’ll--

Steal the toilet cover? Obi offers, mouth canting into that insufferable grin. The one that always reminded him of--

Ah.

Obi darts a glance to where Atri stands frozen beside him. Jeeze, you really know how to hit a guy where he lives. You think I look like this asshole?

Just the grin, really. He’s almost a head taller, broader in the shoulders, and Asian besides. Better looking too--

Obi’s smile stretches into a leer. You don’t say, bossman?

Maybe Atri’s right. He’s got to get better about what he thinks about in the drift. Especially with someone this insufferable around.

If anything, Obi’s more amused. So it’s this guy though, he’s whole hold up you have with me? It’s not--

Against his will, Atri springs to life, mouth curled into his nastiest sneer when he says “I don’t know why you’re acting so betrayed. After all, you only wanted me to get back at the Marshal, and I played my part, didn’t I? I’m sure he’d jump in the pod if that meant he could be rid of me.”

“That’s not--” true, he should say. He can’t though, not when he’s not this-Zen, when he’s just looking out from his eyes, straight into Obi’s.

“Yeah.” There’s no spit to swallow in the drift, but he does anyway, a force of habit. “It is.”

The memory fuzzes away from him, and it’s just them now, two men braced in the Conn-pod, staring at each other through their visors.

“Right hemisphere, calibrated.” Zen blinks, watching as his hand opens and closes, the robotic voice’s dulcet tones washing over him.

“I never wanted this, you know,” he murmurs, “not if it wasn’t with my brother. That’s how it was supposed to be, me and him versus the kaiju.”

“Left hemisphere, calibrated.” His arms seem to move on his own, and it’s strange how he can’t keep the smile off his face this time. It feels good, moving like this again.

“No,” he breathes. “It was supposed to be me and him versus the world.”

“Ready to activate the jeager.“

Obi’s arms lift, a fighting stance to mirror his. It’s easy, so easy. Easier than he ever thought it could be. “What changed?”

He’d shrug, if the hydraulics would let him, but this isn’t Redwood Dancer. “Seemed like a shitty reason not to save the world.”

“Calibration complete.”

Obi grins, teeth shining bright under the lights of his visor. “Doc tell you that?”

Zen laughs. “Pretty much.”

“She’s got a gift,” Obi agrees, hands moving in sync with his. “And it’s making you feel like an asshole.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Looks like you jokers are getting along,” Kiki deadpans through their helmets. “How do you feel about taking Rex out for a drag?”

“After being cramped under this dome for months, Princess?” Obi drawls, tossing him a conspiratorial wink. “It’d be my pleasure.”

“Just give us a sec!” It’s been a long time since Zen’s talked much with the crew in CIC, but he recognizes that voice-- Yuzuri, one of Shirayuki’s friends. The peppy one with the cute accessories. The one that told him she’d give him cement shoes if he made her cry. “Let’s see if we can get you off your leash.”

He’d always liked her. Hopefully the feeling’s mutual, since she’s right next to the plug.

“Hey, boss.”

Zen blinks, glancing across the cockpit. “Yeah?”

“I know Atri was supposed to be a big fuck you to His Majesty, but...” He hesitates, thoughtful. “You drifted with the Big Guy for a while after that. Why?”

“Ah--”

It’s impossible not to think of it, the siren rising in the air, the men running past them, voices drowned out by the drone.

“I’ll do it,” he says, glaring up at the man across from him. “At least you know you’re just a seat warmer.”

“Zen--”

He blinks, the memory stuttering beneath him. That’s not what Mitsuhide called him then, that wasn’t until after--

“Zen.”

That’s not inside the memory, that’s inside his helmet. “Mitsuhide?”

“You’re out of alignment.”

He shakes his head, uncomprehending. “What do you--?”

“You’re out of alignment.” He repeats, each words strained. “You both chased the rabbit, and...Obi went straight down the rabbit hole.”

It doesn’t make any sense. “But I--”

“You have to go get him,” Mitsuhide says, dire. “He’s pointing the plasma cannon at Mission Control.”

[dylannicknight]

And I am back.. I have not posted in a while and kung meron man nagbabasa nitong blog long toh, sorry kung wala na kayong narinig pa sakin. Before anything else I just wanna tell you guys a little story of a segment in my life na nawala ako dito.

What Really Happened?

I remember a few years ago when I started writing about my experiences as a PLHIV. My intention was to write the memory as detailed as possible so I would have something to read in my later years if I'm still alive.

Blog posts started to become journals. It's like a diary that takes everything about the day whether I'm happy or sad or just felt like writing. Until people started noticing it. People started asking questions and advises about my condition. I kind of hate that I can only answer them based on what I have experienced and for the most part I am not really sure about it as well. But I was happy that people like me are trying to seek out someone who walks in the same shoes.

One day I just woke up wanting to make a difference. It was the first time in my life that I ever wanted to do something like this. So One day I joined a group to learn more and help out in spreading awareness and educating people. That's where I met him.

So... What really happened? I fell in love. I guess that sums it all.

I loved someone with all of my heart and with everything I am and I have. Actually, even with what I don't have. I thought that it was a fairytale coming true but never have I imagined that it was only the beginning my worst nightmare.

I thought that since we are both PLHIV, we could understand each other better. I was so naive. Everything happened so fast so it didn't take long enough before I see his true colors when I picked him up in a condo overdosed with drugs, having sex with a lot of people for days and acting crazy with his paranoia.

Oh that was actually just the start of it. I decided to move to a different place with him thinking that I could possibly still fix it and patch things up. I was struggling emotionally, mentally and financially but it didn't made me give up that easily. I thought that maybe I could save him, change him, make him a better person or something and I was willing to put up a God damned fight. But most of the time I've learned now that some people just can't be changed and don't wanna change. Again I was so naive.

With my struggles financially trying to sustain the both of us, he managed to add two more people in our place. Yeah. Bummer. with just me working and providing for all of us. But I looked at it in a positive way that maybe he needed his friends to be with him. So... Fine...

Sometimes when I go to work I would give him money so he can buy food while I'm at work. I'd ask him to send me a message if he needs anything. I kind of thought he might be depressed too so I went on spending for his mental treatment which he didn't appreciate anyway.

And it has always been like this. I remember at times when he would help me with my business by getting some clients in my cake business. I would have to do all the work but once the client paid, I didn't get some of it. (lugi negosyo! haha)

But still, I stayed. helped him fix himself. become a licensed financial adviser, get a job and of course feed all three of them. One day, while I was in my parents' place, I got a message from his friend asking me to go home. That's when they finally took a bow as it's the end of the show.

Apparently, everytime I go to work or go to my parents' house., they would invite other people to to go to our place and have their orgy there. But wait, there's more. The money I left for their food? oh it didn't go to any waste. they buy drugs and get high together of course. Til it got to a point that he was overdosed again. What happened to his friends, well... they immediately ran off like scared dogs.

But since I just don't know how stupid I could get. I still stayed. Even in a day where I would get home seeing him drunk with just his underwear with another guy embracing him and the only thing he could say to me is, "sa taas ka nlng ng deck matulog".

Or even in times when I would see his grindr messages on his phone after everything that happened. You see, he just didn't care and would even tell to just do the same thing and stop bothering him.

Or even in a day when he asked me to just have an open relationship with him cause he doesn't believe in love anyway so it's never gonna work out. I just think that if you would want to make someone not believe in love anymore. You're just the worst.

Or even in that instance when I found out that you had sex with my officemates and they were all talking about me and laughing behind my back cause you're cheating on me.

Or even in that time when I found out that you were actually just seen on grindr just wherever you go, even in puerto galera and laguna and my friends were sending me screenshots of seeing you in that freakin app.

I guess, there's only so much I could take and no matter how many chances I gave you, you're never gonna change. That's when I decided to leave you..

In my despair I actually found myself in the arms of the people who truly love me. Being away from you, I realized how light life was before you, how heavy it is with you and how relieving it is after you. I appreciated my family better and of course my ever supporting friends.

As you may have noticed, most of my posts are gone now. While there's more story in it, the most important thing is I'm in a happy place now and i could only wish that you are too.

These memories? Everytime I think of them or remember them. I would just smile and laugh at the thought of how stupid I was. There's just a lot of memories but I feel no love in it anymore nor hate or anger. I guess that's when I realized that with how fast everything happened, that's also how fast I finally...

...moved on.

And now, I am opening a new chapter of my life.

[owlsshadows]

Waves

Hisa/Zen (with one sided HisaHide and ZenObi)

When two thirdwheel meets, can they find the axle of their own?

Sir Hisame has tosay goodbye to his dreams of becoming the next Lord Seiran, along with hisdreams of becoming Mitsuhide’s lover when the latter finally asks for the handof Kiki. Prince Zen, on the other hand, is slowly recovering from Obi choosing Shirayukiover him.

(As to keep myself to my best habits, especially in the W-series, this too shall start with a chapter rewrite.)

Chapter 1 under the cut! 

Link to read on AO3

“So… did you sayyes?” Hisame asks, cold eyes cast over Mitsuhide with a scrutinizing glare.“For the moment, I’m the one she’s technically betrothed to. Which means, Ihave the right to ask,” he continues when he is met with surprised, slightlypanicked eyes.

If only Mitsuhideknew; it would be all different, those eyes would be full of pity instead ofalarm. But Mitsuhide, bless his soul, is a simple, honest man. He would neverguess.

“So, what was youranswer?” Hisame pushes, pouring wine for the both of them. His heart onlythrobs a little faster than usual, and it only hurts a little to withholdMitsuhide’s gaze.

“I told her,”Mitsuhide starts, casting his eyes away and looking into the distance, “that Icouldn’t be with her.”

“Hmm.” There’s afull stop there – a second to breathe, a second to stop and think how could he ever fall for this stupid… buthe keeps his poise, bringing his glass to his lips. “Why?”

It takes a littleverbal nudging, but in the end, it’s not hard to extract information from theknight. What he hears is not far from what he expected – still, it’s less, and he is disappointed in Mitsuhide.

“Well… puttingaside your true feelings, and how you two reallyfeel about each other, it sounds more to me like your words meant for a partnerwho’s been by your side forever, and not for a person who has just confessedtheir feelings to you,” he says, and his glance falls from Mitsuhide’s sourface to the glass in his hands. “I’m not saying that you should revealeverything about yourself, or anything foolish like that. But really, of allpeople, consider just who it is you’re putting on this front for.”

He doesn’t have tolook to sense Mitsuhide tense beside him, and he feels his own fingers tightenaround his glass.

“You coward,” hesays – more to his own reflection in his goblet, than to Mitsuhide sittingbeside him, but he doesn’t have to know. He doesn’t have to know how the oneputting up the biggest front in this whole thing is Hisame Lugis.

The ceramic cupshatters in Mitsuhide’s hand, dragging Hisame out of his short episode ofself-loathe. For a second, Hisame thinks he may have gone too far – it wouldn’tbe a surprise, he tends to overstep boundaries like children hop over thejumping-rope – and he clenches his jaw with a small inward squeak, ready toreceive a punch when Mitsuhide raises from his seat.

“Sir Hisame.”

And yet, Mitsuhidedares to surprise him, greeting him with a civilized smile. “In about two yearsor so, there’s a chance I might actually consider you a good friend.”

Hisame isimpressed, but schools his expression into that of mild indifference. He is notwilling to give it to the man who makes his heart throb so achingly to see himflail over his self-discipline.

Even though hethought he managed to push his buttons justfine…

“Such tolerance.Too much, even,” he remarks pouring another glass, and hands it to Mitsuhide.“Maybe you should learn to work a little harder.”

The knight takesit – the mere millimeters they are short from their fingers to brush could bethe inch between the driftwood and the drowning man.

 *

 Sending the manone loves to the one he loves, andthen hiding behind a tree to spy on them is not the most dignified pastimeactivity ever – but as Earl Seiran personally joins him, Hisame’s only worrybecomes the finiteness of wine in his goblet. If he is to hear a confessionfrom the lips of Mitsuhide, one puny goblet would not support him enough tokeep him on his feet.

Not that he isreally keen to nurture his ridiculous love for Mitsuhide; it is pointless andentirely futile. The knight is penniless, has little word in court, and lovesKiki so dearly he must not have eyes for anyone else. Yet, it feels good totease him, rile him up, and watch his perky little butt and long lean legs ashe marches away. Mitsuhide, in this sense, is a fine specimen: simple, honestand aesthetically pleasing.

Not that Hisamecouldn’t survive a rejection, if he heard it in the roundabout form of aconfession to someone else – he simply loves loving Mitsuhide, for how gullible he is.

He is not reallywilling to give it up just yet.

“I realized, Iwill most likely never marry,” Mitsuhide says then, and Kiki looks just asastonished as her lord father or Hisame himself. “I deeply admire His HignessZen.”

It… it’s not theconfession Hisame readied himself to hear. Not a confession he has ever imagined to hear, and not… not somethinghe can comprehend. He is deafened by the loud drumming of his heart in his ear,and his brain registers though that they are still talking – that Kiki loughsshortly before saying something and the tension disperses from their tone – buthe can’t quite understand a thing.

It takes a fewdeep breaths to focus back on the conversation before him.

“No matter thesituation, I would choose His Highness over anything. When it comes to him, myresolution is absolute,” he hears Mitsuhide saying. He knows that his surprise– his panick – is visible on his face, but hiding in the shades of the tree hehopes no one notices.

As he listens on,it becomes clear that the confession was not of romantic manner. Still, it madehis heart uneasy, and it takes him aback to realize just how big Mitsuhide’seffect can be on him.

“Such a fool,” hemurmurs clicking his tongue. He means it for Mitsuhide – but he also means itfor himself, who has foolishly panicked over… over a love he treats as apastime; a love that entertains him but was never meant to make him allflustered.

“Surprising, isn’tit? Sir Mitsuhide’s respect and affection for His Highness,” he asks Kikilater, letting his feelings find his voice once Mitsuhide leaves them to greetthe knights from Sereg.

“Isn’t it?” Kikiagrees. “It started long ago.”

“From when hefirst became his aide?” he inquires to satisfy his newfound curiosity. It takesKiki a moment to think, and he is willing to wait, intently, for an answer thatmay lull his worries or stir something in him.

The answer Kikicomes up with is more complex than he has thought, and shows her deepunderstanding of the knight.

They fit together well, he thinks with the melancholy of a rival whorealizes he never had any chance. He is not prepared yet, not quite, to saygoodbye to this love he has entertained himself with for long; but he is,slowly, starting to get himself ready for it.

“Perhaps I’ll makeit my jurisdiction then, to never give Sir Mitsuhide any kind words, no matterthe circumstance. You can pass that job my way anytime.”

“Actually, I’d sayit’s your role, rather than jurisdiction,” Kiki says with a smile.

“Indeed,” Hisamelaughs, heart heavy but voice cheerful. “The role of the bad guy!”

 *

 Deep in the nightand after what it feels like at least a gallon of wine, Hisame can say withconviction that Prince Zen seems like the type to trap someone in a room andlock them up until he gets what he wants.

It still gives himslight surprise that neither of the prince’s devoted aides try to refute him –and his curiosity peaks, so much he actually considers cheating himself into amission visit to Wistal sometime in the close future. He doesn’t have thefondest of memories of the prince… maybe it’s time to change that.

“Oh,” he says, asa thought suddenly hits him. “Sir Mitsuhide, what is your plan for tonight?”

It’s not a brightthought. Not when his vivid imagination supplies him with a thousand ways SirMitsuhide could spend his night.

“What do youmean?” the knight asks back, and Hisame is thankful for the wine that makes hislimbs all jelly for mellowing his desire.

If only he hadcontrol over his tongue, too.

“You’re notstaying at house Seiran, right?”

“I’ve been stayingat an inn nearby since yesterday.”

“Oh, is that so?Then let me stay with you!” he asks, smiling away his non-existent guilt overthe Earl’s invitation to stay the night on the Seiran premises. “I’m sure noneof the nearby inns will have any free rooms available.”

Mitsuhide visiblygulps. Hisame approves of the wine’s decision to tease him.

“But,” the knightprotests, “it’s a one-person room.”

“You’re useless,”Hisame says, casting his eyes away as his brain supplies with further images onall the activities that can be enjoyed on a single bed. “I would’ve thoughtthat an aide of His Highness would want to stay in the finest room available.”

“… I justremembered, there’s a couch in there,” Mitsuhide replies innocently.

“In other words,you will be giving me the bed?”

 *

 Moonshine filtersthrough the windows, and Hisame can hear Mitsuhide fumble about – sheetsrustling, followed by the creaking of the sofa – and it takes him all he has inhim to refrain from doing something stupid.

“Sir Hisame, areyou awake?” he hears Mitsuhide asking, and he cannot suppress the sigh breakingon his lips. “That was a sigh just now, wasn’t it?”

He could probablyjump him. Coerce him into something. Steal a kiss from those dumb lips.

Anything.

But it’s hisprinciple not to chase someone who is not interested in him – and his pride, ohhis pride would definitely not survive if he did make a move on the knight.

“What is it, SirMitsuhide?” he asks coldly.

“Sorry, it’s just…I wanted to ask you something.”

He looks so pure.So earnest. So terribly dumb.

Hisame nods forhim to continue.

“Are your mostimportant feelings those that make up your whole self, or those deep within?Which do you think are stronger?”

He sits up,running a hand through his hair.

Should he takethis question seriously, helping this idiot of a knight, who also happens to bethe one he would like to jump just about now? He could think of many ways toopen Mitsuhide’s eyes to reality, but… not one of them required him to use histongue to speak.

Suppressing asigh, he massages his temple and takes a deep breath before he replies,dropping his hand to his side.

“Regardless ofdegree, if your important feelings and whatnot are tied to strength, thenneither the former nor the latter will be very different. If you were to losethose feelings and replace that strength with weakness, the end result is thesame for both. After all, once you lose those feelings, the strength tied tothem also disappears, doesn’t it?”

“I understand.”

“So which is it?For you.”

“The latter. Sincethey are at my core, I’ll be able to continue protecting it until the end of time.Or at least, that’s how I see it.”

“I see. Well then,” Hisame says, turning hisback on Mitsuhide to sleep. “Don’t you have your answer?”

A different answer from mine, he thinks, pulling a blanket over his shoulders. Thefeelings deep within… he finds them ridiculous. He could discard them. Heshould… in order to protect those that make up his whole self.

[lugiepie]

don’t tell my mom but i wanna put gonzap up for adoption

pros: you will never get robbed, he screams at everything. he doesn’t shed. he’s lazy so you don’t have to walk him

cons: it’s fucking gonzap. no grilled cheeses are safe. he’s also a fucking bitch

[lugiepie]

just finished mother 3: opposing force and… waugh loved it go freakin’ play it!!! it’s short but DAMN is the ost bangin and it’s still mother 3 so you KNOW i was getting all them 16 hit combos!!

[lugiepie]

if anyone has a shiny roaring moon i will trade it for a shiny iron jugulis… i’ll even give him an ability patch for you to use on your weed cat or something 🥺

[lugiepie]

chimera logs meet the characters bc i feel like i need to explain just how screwed up everyone is in this au

1. colonel gary jasons

-always seems very bored or apathetic

-claus’ sole caretaker

-can speak to and understand the other chimeras but doesn’t like to talk to them because they are terrible

-used to work at the thunder tower before he was randomly transferred to the chimera lab and assigned to claus

-very good at hiding his true feelings when taking to people

-also just very sneaky in general

-things that he wants to happen just miraculously work out in his favor and he’s gotten good at noticing when and why

-takes the above to mean that he can just do whatever he wants and not have major consequences

-sometimes has these moments where he wakes up and has a flashback of his past that doesn’t correspond with what he thinks his past was like, thinks he’s going crazy

-really wants to quit his job and oh boy has he tried

-very wary of his coworkers and doesn’t take any of them seriously, can sorta tell something’s weird (like how they all have the same bad taste in music)

-is the only colonel in the entire pigmask army for right now and has zero clue as to why

-is 19 but thinks he’s like 25 or something because for some reason he doesn’t remember his age

-deborah was partially his idea, as he wanted someone else to have to watch over claus for a change, and as such he calls her his daughter

-not allowed to leave the lab for “legal reasons” but he does so anyway and usually takes claus because they’re both bored as hell

2. captain maxwell bates (or just captain max because he stresses to literally everyone that that’s what he’s called)

-strict 18 year old dingus who is the facilitator for a lot of bad business decisions on dr.andonuts’ part (he was the one who thought the horseantulas were a good idea)

-has worked at the chimera lab just as long as gary, but was instead transferred from the clayman factory just south of thunder tower

-likes to prank/bully gary because he too is very bored but he is incredibly bad at it

-claus hates him and he takes this incredibly personally

-really bad at math and dyslexic but for some reason is the best person on the entire nowhere islands at budgeting

-also really likes to nag gary about how much property damage he causes and has been keeping tabs on him for a good few months now

-hates all of the chimeras except deborah because she’s tiny (for now) and can’t break any of his bones (yet) and also tolerates claus because he has to and because he thinks claus is the most dangerous chimera

-obsessed with dcmc at an unhealthy level

-is around the lab less often than gary, and by that i mean he can actually leave without straight up breaking out or coming up with a convoluted reason to leave

3. claus (aka “kid” or “idiot”)

-only trusts gary and max since they’re the only people he’s ever met to not try to tranquilize him on sight

-sucks at psi and uses pk thunder (bee gay dunda) to wreak havoc when he’s EXTRA bored and 99% of the time he burns himself in the process

-has almost killed gary like four times now because he uses him as a punching bag/stress relief human

-is convinced gary is his biological dad, much to gary’s dismay

-is incredibly dumb and has zero social awareness, but is very nosy and likes to steal stuff whenever he can (especially from dr. andonuts)

-doesn’t speak except to gary, which even then is very rare and limited

-all of the other chimeras hate him because he won’t shut up and stop trying to talk to them

-chaos incarnate

-most mornings wakes up and forgets where he is

-likes to copy people because it makes them mad, or in his mind gets them to play with him (most people try chasing him or straight up slapping him)

-breaks his cybernetics at least twice every week

-wants to kill dr. andonuts SO BADDDDDDDDD

-throws forks at the wall when he isn’t passing time by causing chaos, annoying people, or blowing things up with his lighting hands

-zones out A LOT

-deborah is like his dog/big sister and conveniently can handle his absurd physical strength

4. dr. andonuts

-wants to die

-stuck in burnout

-knows way too much about what’s going on but is smart enough to know to keep his mouth shut

-except when claus is *not so subtly* spying on him while he’s calling king p

-hashtag oops

-“alright. what did you two do this time.”

-only able to get things done because of gary’s help, either by entertaining claus or finding things around the lab that he needs

-seems very focused on the past but not in a “back in the good old days” kinda way, more like a “i want to get the hell out of here” kinda way

[lugiepie]

no please i’m innocent don’t do this to me

i made two posts i swear

[lugiepie]

its me, the real porky minch. ive come for your ass, lugie.

woah woah woah slow down there you capitalist bastard. neither new sweden nor my ass is up for your gentrification bullshit

[lugiepie]

i was thinking about i am innogen again and i realized there are several ways to avoid needing the anomaly to destroy the typeless beastiam trait, most of which just involve certain dead characters talking to certain alive characters, but the most plausible option is of course the funniest

if yi and arcei got along just SLIGHTLY better arcei would’ve taken yi with her to search for the anomaly’s three artifacts, which means yi would’ve met kyla at some point

yi would recognize her from mother’s photos and her voice from the gramophone

kyla would learn there’s more than one innogen

leads to this

the typeless trait is gone, jetlag and wish don’t have to die, no anomaly needed. conflict resolved any% wr

goddammit

[lugiepie]

I JUST PLAYED LEGENDS ARCEUS FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT WITHOUT PERCEIVING TIME. THIS IS ONE OF THE GAMES EVER ALRIGHT

[lugiepie]

OK HI GUYS I DID IT GO FOLLOW @garys-chimera-logs FOR SOME PIGMASK OC BRAINROT ASKBLOG FUN TIMES OK BYE

[lugiepie]

horse time

fun story i got covid and binged a bunch of mlp while my sinuses self destructed. now that i know evil alicorns exist here is mine. summershore mystery, aka HULDRA THATS RIGHT BABEY MMM SLAP COW TAIL AND EVERYTHING SHE WILL EAT YOU. if g5 cant have changelings then it can have a whole huldra ok bye now

[lugiepie]

i need everyone to remember that kyla eats kids and she’s not purely this wholesome “i love you im adopting you” bit 100% of the time. she is a girlboss.

[lugiepie]

y’all really enjoying my stupid splatoon 3 vent post 😳