#max is really only relaxed until Bullshit happens and then he is So Fucking Stressed

[startold-a]

cattell 16 factor test.

MAX -

Warmth ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% ( supportive, comforting )

Intellect ||||||||||||||| 46% ( instinctive, unstable )

Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 42% ( irritable, moody )

Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58% ( controlling, tough )

Liveliness ||||||||| 30% ( somber, restrained )

Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||| 58% ( conforming, traditional )

Social Assertiveness ||||||||| 26% ( shy, withdrawn )

Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 54% ( touchy, soft )

Paranoia ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% ( wary, suspicious )

Abstractness |||||||||||||||||| 54% ( strange, imaginative )

Introversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% ( private, quiet )

Anxiety ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% ( fearful, self-doubting )

Openmindedness |||||||||||| 38% ( closeminded, set-in-ways )

Independence |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% ( outgoing, social )

Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 54% ( orderly, thorough )

Tension ||||||||||||||| 46% ( relaxed, cool )

JONES -

Warmth ||||||||| 26% ( cold, selfish )

Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% ( cerebral, analytical )

Emotional Stability |||||| 18% ( irritable, moody )

Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% ( controlling, tough )

Liveliness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% ( wild, fun loving )

Dutifulness ||||||||| 30% ( untraditional, rebellious )

Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% ( uninhibited, bold )

Sensitivity ||||||||||||||| 50% ( fuckhgsjkdfngh )

Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% ( wary, suspicious )

Abstractness ||||||||| 30% ( practical, regular )

Introversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% ( private, quiet )

Anxiety ||||||||| 26% ( confident, self assured )

Openmindedness ||||||||||||||| 42% ( closeminded, set-in-ways )

Independence |||||||||||||||||| 54% ( loner, craves solitude )

Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% ( orderly, thorough )

Tension ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% ( stressed, unsatisfied )

tagged by : @sindicate

tagging: @courtclover @reallifejedi / @starbornknight + anybody else who hasn't done it!

[spaceskam]

being good isn’t always easy

Happy birthday @prouvaireafterdark ! I hope you have a wonderful day and I hope you enjoy this little fic!

ao3

Michael couldn’t be blamed and he refused to justify himself.

He watched Alex Manes reach up to shelve a book that was almost out of reach, fingertips tapping the spine to tuck it into place. Michael offered a little telekinetic push to slide it into place easier. Alex didn’t seem to notice, simply going to the next book in his cart. Michael bit into his cheek as he made the choice to cause a book on the edge of the top shelf to fall over. Alex huffed and went to grab it, reaching up to put it back.

He did this a lot. Probably too much. But, hey, if messing with the cute library assistant was the thing keeping him out of trouble, who could blame him? No one, that’s who.

Occasionally, Alex would look around and Michael would pretend to be invested in his book so he wouldn’t get self conscious or wouldn’t find him suspicious, but that was as subtle as he got. It was just too much fun.

Alex would eventually disappear out of sight, though, and he would have to actually focus on his homework. Stupid homework.

“What are you doing?”

Michael looked up at the voice to see Isobel standing there with that expression that said she knew exactly what he was doing. He put on his most innocent smile.

“Nothing.”

“Mm, and I’m the queen of England,” she said, sitting beside him, “Whatever you’re doing, stop it.”

“Stop doing my homework? Well, I mean, if you say so.”

“Michael.”

He rolled his eyes and dropped his chin in his hand as he looked down at his homework. It was all stupidly easy and so boring that he hated wasting his time to focus on it. Every time he’d tried to explain to his teachers that it was too easy and boring, they would simply say that he should actually do it for once. He stopped complaining.

“Help me with this, I don’t understand this shit,” Isobel said, scooting closer so he could see what she was stuck on. It was balancing chemical equations which is what he’d helped her with yesterday and helped Max with over the weekend. But he leaned closer anyway and went over it for a third time.

Halfway through the second question, though, he felt a pair of eyes on him. When he glanced up, he caught sight of Alex Manes looking through one of the stacks of books right at him. He flashed a smile and huffed a laugh when he very quickly looked away.

“Stop laughing at me,” Isobel scolded. He shook his head and wrapped his arm around the back of her chair.

“I’m not, I promise. Alright, next question.”

-

Michael was actually, for once, reading a whole book this time when another book slammed down in front of him.

He jumped and looked up to see Alex Manes standing there. An easy, cocky smile found his lips and he tilted his head. They never actually spoke. He just fucked with him from afar. Now, though, it felt like all those clandestine encounters were worth it.

“You fuck with my books today and I will throw you out,” Alex said. Michael’s stomach dropped and his eyes widened, his heart stalling mid-beat. “I know it’s you. It only happens when you can see me. I’m not stupid.”

“I…”

“I don’t care. But it’s annoying, so stop,” he said, sliding the book a little closer, “Peace offering.”

The book was on the pseudo-science of telekinesis and how to induce a psychic awakening. From the cover alone, Michael couldn’t tell if it was a joke book or not. It didn’t really matter. He knew. Michael had thought he was being subtle and Alex knew.

“What the fuck?” Michael breathed before he could catch himself and even pretend to play it off. Alex smirked to himself and patted the top of the book before walking away.

Michael watched him leave with even more intrigue than he’d ever had before. Which was saying something because he was usually pretty damn intrigued.

He quickly reached for the book and opened it, scanning the pages to see if it held any weight. It didn’t take long to see that it was indeed just bullshit and something that someone created to fulfil their own personal wish to be telekinetic. It wasn’t real. But… Alex still knew. Or maybe it was a joke to talk to him? Did his reaction give it away? Should he talk to him about it or would that make it worse?

Michael couldn’t find it in him to be playful as he sat there in his own head for a solid hour or so, trying to think of how to properly handle this situation. He couldn’t ask Isobel or Max because they would be so angry at him for outting himself like that. He was supposed to be just playing.

He eventually decided that he couldn’t handle this situation, not today, so he grabbed his bag and started to speed walk out of the library. His brain was too full and he didn’t know what this meant. Alex said he didn’t care, but did he understand what he was actually saying? Did he understand that this wasn’t a joke?

Michael almost made it to his truck before a hand grabbed his arm. He whirled around, eyes wide and far too on edge for all of this. Alex stood there with his hands up in surrender.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Alex said, “I’m sorry if I did or if I scared you.”

“Please don’t say anything. I’m sorry for messing with you, I won’t do it anymore, but please don’t say anything,” Michael said. Alex’s face didn’t change at all which made Michael feel even more like he was being closed in on. “I’m sorry, okay? I-I just thought you were cute. I won’t do it anymore.”

Alex waited far too many seconds before he said, “I’m not going to say anything. Why would I?”

“Because this isn’t, like, a small thing,” Michael said, “I don’t even understand how you figured it out. Like, why was that your first assumption? Are you that observative? Are you like a secret genius or something?”

“I’m not going to say anything,” Alex said again instead of answering any of his questions, “We’re all entitled to our secrets even if we’re bad at keeping them to ourselves.”

“I was subtle!”

“You made me think I was haunted for, like, a week,” Alex said, laughing softly. Michael took a slow breath. “Listen, sorry for stressing you out. How about I make it up to you by taking you for coffee?”

It took a solid thirty seconds of rebooting his mind for Michael to realize he was being asked on a date. Alex clearly wasn’t great at timing. Michael huffed a laugh and tried to relax his shoulders.

“Are you seriously asking me out after casually telling me you know my deepest secret?”

“Well, if you say yes, maybe I’ll let you dissect what my deepest secret is.”

“Is it not that you’re gay?”

“Since when is that a secret?”

“Fair enough,” Michael said, actually laughing a little despite the previous panic that still had him a little shaken up. He sniffled and looked around. “Um, can I say ask me again later?”

“Yeah,” Alex said without question, “Probably bad timing to ask you after saying I know your big secret.”

“Yeah.”

They stood there awkwardly for a minute and Michael highly considered just slamming his face into the side of the truck to make this shit a little more bearable. He pulled his sleeves over his hands and balled up his fists, trying to ease the tension in his stomach. It didn’t really help.

“I promise I won’t say anything,” he said, “You have my word.” 

Michael nodded. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you around.”

Michael watched as Alex walked back into the library. Then he very quietly got into the driver’s seat of his truck, peacefully started the engine, casually pulled onto the main road.

And then let himself scream until his throat was sore.

-

As it turns out, Alex actually kept his word.

Two weeks after he not-so-subtly admitted to knowing Michael’s secret, no one had said anything. No one looked at him weird, no one tried to get him to do a cool trick, and even Isobel and Max had managed not to notice that something was up. It was enough time for Michael to realize that maybe he was actually trustworthy.

It still took Michael another week to go back to the library.

He sat at his normal table and Alex was re-shelving books from his little cart. His back was turned to Michael’s table as if he wasn’t expecting him to be there. Which was fair enough. Michael tapped anxiously on the table and then focused on the book on the edge of the top shelf.

When it fell over, Alex didn’t even pick it up. He just turned to face him. Michael gave a small wave and he smiled right back, waving before he went to pick up the book. He reshelved it and Michael gave it a little push. 

They did that a couple times, Michael assisting him. Eventually, though, he got fed up with waiting for Alex to come talk to him, so he stood up and walked over to him.

“Hey,” he said. Alex looked over his shoulder at him and smiled softly.

“Hey.”

“You didn’t tell anyone.”

“Wasn’t really my secret to tell,” Alex said, “And, besides, who would I tell? And, if I did tell, why would they believe me? And why would I want to? I’m not stupid enough to think there aren’t things in this world we don’t know about or that isn’t talked about. You’re just one of those things and I’m not going to ruin the fun of anonymity.”

“Oh, yeah?” Michael asked. Alex nodded, nimble fingers sliding a book into place. 

“Can’t tell me vampires and mermaids aren’t real if I can convince myself that there are people like me who know and simply keep it to themselves.”

“So you think I’m a vampire or a mermaid?” Michael wondered, a playful tone in his voice. Alex look at him.

“I don’t know what you are and I don’t know you well enough to deserve an answer,” he said simply, “But I know you’re cute.”

Michael stared at him and wondered how he could even be real. Was he joking? Was this just him playing his cards right? Alex was too good to be true.

And yet… It seemed to be real.

“How about that coffee?” Michael asked.

“Mm, can I also get help with biology?” he wondered. Michael huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Absolutely.”

[maxxfields]

sober nights and traffic lights

Max would never consider himself mentally ill. He also would never tell anyone he had anxiety. But all the bullshit he went through as a child, it isn't shocking to know that he does. Through the years he’d always kept it on the downlow and never made a big deal of it. Ignoring it himself most of the time. And he got pretty good at it. Until recently. Having his first panic attack in years was so foreign to him. He didn't know how to cope with it nor did he ever remember feeling like this. What is the word that describes feeling too much and nothing at the same time? Being a professional writer it infuriated Max that he didn’t know what that word was. Whatever it was, that is how he felt right now. Numbness and exhilaration? He didn't know how he was feeling both at the same time, it was like a dream and a nightmare. There was also a very high chance it was both of those anyway because the events that had happened over the last couple days could not be real.

He had slept with Gabby Hunter.

Gabby and him had slept together.

He had spent the last 3 days living every moment of that night over and over wondering how it happened and thinking it probably won't ever happen again. Normally Max was the kind of guy to sleep with a girl once and never call. But this time he couldn't be that guy. He didn't want to be that guy. But here he was 3 days later, being that guy.

The morning after he ran away from her, he felt completely debilitated. After getting home the fire in his lungs had not dwindled. It was so painful for him and so overwhelming he almost went to the ER. But Max knew they'd never take him seriously. There was nothing wrong with him other than wanting to not think about real things. Forcing himself to take some meds, Max went straight to bed.

He awoke in the late afternoon to a voicemail and a text. He looked at the messages on his phone for a minute before listening to the voicemail. She seemed hesitant and quiet. It made him feel a little relieved and guilty at the same time. Today was really too many emotions for him after spending most of his adult life not thinking about any.

“....You’re my best friend…” those were the last words he heard before his brain started to fail him again. After everything he was not thinking about and hoping for the last few months vanished again. She had called just to make sure they were okay, that they were still friends. Somehow in this moment he felt like he was in high school again getting crushed by the girl of his dreams. And there they were again another roadblock. This time he felt so much for her and she didn't feel that way for him. All Max wanted to do was disappear. And with that thought, his body moved into action before his mind was made up.

3 hours later he was on the highway in his car with a suitcase thrown together. He honestly didn't know where he was going, what he was doing, how much clothes he packed, or how long he was planning on going. He just knew he needed to not be in that house. Those weren't the sheets made dirty by them, but he still felt it somehow.

The first night he ended up at the border of California and Oregon around midnight and decided to pull over. He spent most of the time listening to news podcasts and yelling at some of the interns from his office. Just because he was taking an unexplained sabbatical didn't mean that the world stopped and news didn't need to be told. It was nice to have an outlet for a while but still not be in the office or in the city. During his drive he started to think about his mental health and how he had gotten to this point. He remembered as a child wanting to have his parents approval so bad he morphed into something he wasn’t, and then he remembered in high school having the girl of his dreams completely break him senior year right before they were suppose to start their new lives at college together.

All of those things turned Max into the man he is today. He ran away to college in a different state, took a last minute slot in a shitty dorm at one of his safety schools instead of going where he and his parents had originally planned. And with that new start, he closed all the doors to his past behind him. Inventing the stone cold asshole he was now, and not allowing anyone to break the cracks. Yet he had allowed someone to do just that, multiple times now. And everytime he swore this would be the last time he left her in, and yet that stupid redhead kept charming her way into his life and into more than just that.

The events of last night started washing over him, from the party all the way to being in Gabby’s bed and it was starting to make the panic in him rise again. Finding one of the shittest motels on the side of the road, Max called it a night. Knowing he probably could have driven 20 more minutes into an actual city to find a nicer hotel he could afford, the man didn’t care about luxury right now. He just wanted to take a shower, rinse off all the thoughts he had and be unconscious.

In the morning, he awoke feeling very out of place, and maybe it was cause he didn’t have a routine. Since the day he went off to college and reinvented himself, he had always been a man with a routine and a workaholic. Therefore, waking up in a strange place was very weird to him and he started to get antsy and anxious that he wasn’t going into work today. After sitting with himself for a few minutes remembering why he was here and why he needed to runaway from things he felt a little better, but he still wanted to be productive. He checked out of the hotel and went driving around the closest town he could find. It was still very early in the morning, since he was in the habit of waking up before the day really began to go to work. But the man did find a cute coffee shop with several newspaper stands in front ot it. He paid for a small breakfast and grabbed a couple of the papers to read and stay in tune with the world for a bit. Sitting in that shop for a couple of hours he had a moment to write an article. It was definitely not something he would ever publish but it helped him clear his mind a little more. The article was based on an event several of the local papers he had grabbed had covered, but he felt that each article didn’t tell the whole story, and it infuriated him that an editor would allow something like this to be published. So in the name of journalism and in the name of calming his nerves, he wrote a better article for them. Reflecting on the piece of news he had finished writing by hand, he realized that it had been a few years since he had actually written anything. And he didn’t realize how much he had enjoyed it.

When he ran away to college, he decided he was going to throw his entire future plan to the wind. No more law school like his father wanted, he was going to figure out what he wanted. His freshman year at UCLA, he took a bunch of classes that he would never have thought to take, and ended up getting really good grades in a bunch of writing classes and history classes, especially the one he took that was specifically about Al Capone. When it came time for him to pick a major, he decided he wanted to pursue writing, but he wasn’t into the thought of writing fiction crap or picking a career that would be useless. Therefore he settled on journalism, it attracted to both parts of the things he was good at, and allowed him to have a job once he graduated. During the years after his undergraduate education, he worked at various news rooms, stations, and other publications while also getting his Master’s in editora journalism. Which is how he landed the pretty rough and prestigious job he had now. But being an editor and in charge of a paper, didn’t allow him much time to enjoy the things he once did. And through his adult life he focused more on things outside work to numb himself like he had for years. College had definitely instilled a lifestyle of booze, sex, and work for him. One that he had maintained for years.

It wasn’t until after Gabby left that he realized how broken he really was. He started going to therapy during that time, and faced some demons. And even though he was better mentally and was able to work through stuff. He still had anger management issues and was always a stressed out individual. It wasn’t until this moment, sitting in a coffee shop hours away from his home and his job that he realized how much of him he had pushed away. How much he didn’t let himself feel, enjoy, or think about. Therapy only helped him through some, but it was not his time to do the work and make himself a better person. One that wouldn’t fall apart just cause one girl in his life wanted to stay friends with him even though he wanted more.

Midway through the day, he had walked through some of the shops around the little town and was starting to feel antsy again. Even though he kept telling himself he deserved a vacation and needed to take this time off, he couldn’t. Not right now. Relaxation for himself was definitely going to be a priority, but he couldn’t change who he was, and that was a planner. Getting back in his car and driving south again, he promised himself he would go on a proper vacation this year. Actually take some time off, plan something, and pack with purpose.

As he climbed back into the car, he pulled out his phone for the first time all day to set up directions and pick out which podcast he was going to listen to when he saw them. Multiple messages from Gabby.

Fuck.

She wasn’t going to be the girl who demanded more after a one night stand? She wanted to try to be something more than a one night stand?

Damn it.

The man had fucked up again. This was the second time in less than 3 days he found himself racing to her house to apologize. What was he even gonna say or do that would make this better? Was she gonna accept his apology and allow them to figure this out? Did she really want more than friendship between them? So many questions were running through his mind right now and none of them had answers.

Turning off the radio completely, Max drove the 8 hours back to San Francisco in complete silence. Finally allowing himself to think about all his feelings, hers, and what the hell it all meant.

As he got closer to the city limits he got more and more groggy, it almost being midnight again. The man was not a night owl and this was now the 3rd night in a row he was not in bed before what was technically the day after he woke up. More than anything he wanted to go to Gabby, but he knew if he went now he’d just end up upsetting her. This time he wasn't gonna to go over there to get yelled at, fuck, then leave. He wanted to go over and talk. Persuading himself to go home and get some rest he’d come back in the morning.

And like an idiot he did just that, completely ignoring his phone and the angry messages it received while he was driving.

Awaking him again, a little later than his usual alarm, he realized how tired his body actually was. And how much it needed that sleep. Because he felt anew now. Clear. Ready to have the hard conversations.

This time it really did feel different. He felt ready. He felt almost relaxed. He was about to go get his girl. And with that mentality he went and showered, put on a nice outfit, drove to a flower shop and a coffee shop before heading to her place.

He knew Red would be pissed at him at first. But he was hoping they could talk through their stupidity and move past it all. Past these few days. Past these few years even.

When he got to her place and knocked on the door no one answered. He should have figured she was at work, but he kind of assumed knowing she'd be stewing at home alone with a glass of wine. Thinking maybe she went out to get food or something he stood around for a little while wanting to be there when she got back.

After 30 minutes he got a call from an unknown number. Without even thinking, since most of his employees had his phone number and he rarely saved any of theirs. He answered.

[leigh-kelly]

(More Hospital!AU)

Santana gets the call into Shelby’s office. She’d been bracing herself for it to come, but when it does, she’s devastated. Shelby promises her that it’s just something with legal, that they have to put her on administrative leave for two weeks while they work on the settlement, but Santana feels awful. She doesn’t want to go up to Brittany’s office and put her in a compromising position so she just takes a cab home. When she gets there, she tells her mom that she absolutely doesn’t want to talk about it and she takes over with Liam and the twins, telling her mother that she’ll be home for the next two weeks.

“Mommy Noodle, are you sick?” Liam asks.

“No, Sir, the hospital is just giving me a little break so I can spend time with my favorite boys.”

“Is Mama getting a break too?”

“I wish she was, bud, but Mama’s really busy, they can’t spare her.”

“Is she coming home to have dinner with us?”

“We’ll see.” Santana’s smile falters. “But we’ll make something good just in case.”

Santana spends the day savoring the time she has with her boys but she can’t help but be anxious waiting for Brittany to come home. Around 4:00 she gets a text from Brittany that just tells her she loves her and she knows the paperwork for her suspension has come across her desk. Sighing heavily, Santana tells Brittany that she loves her too, then starts dinner, trying to let Liam eat earlier than he normally does because she knows they feed him too late. After she eats with him, she makes a plate for Brittany and then she saves cleanup until after everyone is settled in bed.

She’s just sitting with the twins, rocking them to sleep when Brittany comes in. She takes both Max and Oliver into her arms and Santana gives her a look of silent gratitude as she steps out and goes to Liam’s room where he’s playing with the trains in the floor. He pretends not to see her there and keeps playing but Santana crouches beside him and gently lifts him up into her arms.

“Time for books, Li.”

“How about I read?” Brittany appears at the door.

“Mama! Mama! Will Mommy Noodle listen?”

“Of course I’ll listen.” Santana smiles, though smiling feels hard.

Brittany reads two books and then Liam falls asleep before she can finish the third. Santana kisses him goodnight and slips out of the room, giving Brittany a moment with him as she changes into her pajamas. When Brittany comes into the room, she doesn’t say a word, she just wraps Santana in a tight embrace and for the first time today, she breaks down sobbing.

“Oh, honey.” Brittany soothes, holding her close. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I’ve never been in trouble before.” She cries. “My whole life...”

“Sue is coming back on Friday, she wants to deal with this herself because I’m ineffectual as acting chief when I can’t get involved.”

“What is she going to do?”

“She’s going to deal with legal. You have a spotless record, they’re just going to settle out of court. I promise you, you’ll be back at work soon.”

“I just...my job.” Santana feels like she can do nothing but cry and she clings to Brittany like a lifeline.

“Let me take care of you tonight.”

“You’ve had a long day...”

“My day hasn’t been too long to take care of my wife who has had a much worse day than I have. Let me run you a bath and get you a glass of wine, then I’ll give you a massage.”

“Will you come in the tub with me?”

“If that’s what you want, then yes.”

Santana sits down, still sniffling, on the edge of the bed while Brittany goes into the bathroom and then goes downstairs, coming up with two glasses of red wine. They look at the twins sleeping beside the bed, and then they go into the bathroom, taking their alone time together. Once they’re in the tub, Santana’s whole body sighs into Brittany’s and she just focuses on the feeling of her arms around her waist, drawing circles on her abdomen.

“Unique came to my office today.” Brittany tells Santana quietly. “She heard what happened and she just wanted me to know that you’ve been her mentor and you always taught her to take the most pressing case first. Your department has your back and so does the hospital.”

“I just...don’t get why they had to suspend me.”

“Because it makes the hospital look like they’re taking the investigation seriously. As soon as there’s an offer on the table then you’re cleared to come back.”

“It’s just such bullshit. If there would have been enough staff in my goddamn department, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“I know and you’re taking the fall for the hospital’s mistake. They know that and that’s why they won’t keep you out long. Baby, I swear, if I could have done something...”

“Brittany.” Santana sighs. “I know there was nothing you could have done. They don’t even want you involved with it. Sue is coming back because it’s such a disaster. And none of that even matters to me, I just feel so awful that I can’t breathe.”

“I know how much your job means to you, it means as much as mine does. I’ve been where you are and there’s nothing I can say to make it better.”

“Having your arms around me makes me feel like I’m not going to die. Not being able to go to you today...”

“I know.” Brittany kisses her hard on the top of the head. “All I wanted was to be able to take you in my arms. But once Sue is back in charge, I can just be your wife and I can be by your side through all of it.”

“I need that so much.”

After they get out of the tub, Brittany wraps Santana up in a towel and leads her to the bed. Santana pulls on her softest, most comfortable pajamas and she lays down on top of the covers, letting Brittany sit on her back and massage every kink and knot out of her. Between the wine and the touching she manages to relax enough that she doesn’t feel like her head is going to explode and she only cries a little while she’s being massaged. When Brittany’s done, she helps Santana under the blankets and Santana curls into her arms, falling asleep with her head on Brittany’s chest, listening to her heartbeat.

She wakes up throughout the night to feed the boys and she never really settles into a deep sleep. There’s so much stress bearing down on her and though she knows that Liam, Max and Oliver will be glad to have her home, she’ll miss the hospital every second, the same way she misses the boys every second while she’s there. In the morning, she wakes up to Brittany standing at the dresser getting dressed for work and she just watches her in the low light, knowing that this whole thing has caused an excess amount of stress for her as well. She hopes that maybe Sue will give her a day or two off when she gets back, let her recover from the long hours she’s put in, let her just be with her family when times are trying.

“Mommy Noodle.” Liam looks at her while she’s feeding him breakfast. “Why are you sad?”

“Why do you think I’m sad, Li?”

“Because you was crying when you saw Mama in my bedroom and you have a frowny face on now.”

“I’m sorry, buddy. I’ll try to be happier, okay?”

“Mama says if we feel sad it’s okay, but then she gives me lots of hugs.” Liam stands from the table and goes to Santana’s side, wrapping his little arms around her. “Since Mama’s at work, I can give you all the hugs.”

“Thank you, Liam.” Santana lifts him into her arms and squeezes him tight. “I needed a hug from you today.”

Santana goes through the routine of the day, cleaning up the house as best as she can since they haven’t done it in awhile, nursing the twins, letting the three boys play in the living room, getting them down for naps, taking care of Liam’s lunch, all the things that she thinks her mom probably does with much greater ease. While they’re all napping, she sits on the couch and looks through one of her pediatric surgical journals, figuring if she can’t be at work, she can at least be reading up on what’s new. She’s engrossed in an article when the doorbell rings and she jumps up, getting it before it rings again and wakes the boys.

“Mercedes.” She opens the door. “You’re on nights, why are you not sleeping?”

“I got enough. I’m here because I know you’re feeling like shit and you didn’t even want to call me and tell me.” Mercedes comes into the house and sits down on the couch. “But we’re here for each other for everything. So I’m here.”

“Is it all over the hospital?”

“Girl, you know the interns gossip about everything. I heard it as soon as I got to the hospital last night but I didn’t want to text you when I knew you were probably hashing it out with Brittany.”

“Yeah, we were. Sylvester’s coming back tomorrow, so...”

“A month ago, you would have been ecstatic about that.”

“Well, it’s hard to be thrilled when the reason she’s coming back is because I fucked up. ‘Ce, listen, can I tell you something I didn’t tell Brittany?”

“Obviously. I’m here to be your sounding board.”

“I’m afraid that her being married to me is going to compromise her eventual inevitable trajectory toward chief. This just sort of proved to everyone that she has a conflict of interest in the hospital.”

“Oh, please.” Mercedes rolls her eyes. “Everyone’s got some kind of conflict of interest. If she was the real chief instead of the acting chief she would have been experienced enough to know how to deal with it. This was just bad timing, it’s not going to ruin her career.”

“The last thing I want is to compromise her dreams. But I know if I tell her that, she’s going to insist that I don’t and that she has this amazing dream having a family with me. Look, I get it, that’s one of my dreams too, but career dreams are totally different.”

“Brittany’s a smart woman. If you were messing with her dreams, she’d figure out a way around it. I love you, but you’re being ridiculous.”

“How is it being ridiculous to worry about my wife’s career, which she’s been working her ass off for since she was in medical school?”

“Because if you think your wife loves her career more than she loves you, you’re insane.”

“I’ll never get in the way of her success.”

“She’s going to be successful no matter what. We all know she’s a shoe in when Sylvester retires. You never mess up. This whole thing is so stupid and it won’t mess up Brittany’s chance to be chief.”

“Maybe I should change hospitals, go downtown to NYU.”

“Would you listen to yourself?” Mercedes crosses her arms over her chest. “You’ve got a good ten years until Sylvester retires and you’re talking about leaving Pres? It’s your home. I think you really need to talk to Brittany about this.”

“She’s got so much on her plate right now...”

“You’re always going to be her first priority. You and those kids. Before you start coming up with weird plans, talk to her.”

“Why do you always have to be right?”

“It’s a gift, obviously.”

“Do you want some food or something?”

“I was actually hoping to see the kids while I was here. You’ve been hiding them away.”

“Oliver has his neurological appointment next week. I’ve been such a wreck about work that I forgot to be a wreck about my kid.”

“At least you’re home...”

“I had the day off. So does Brittany. I made sure my mom was still coming to watch Max and Li even though I told her to take time off indefinitely.”

“Are you nervous about the appointment?” Mercedes asks, fiddling with one of the couch cushions.

“It gnaws it my insides like you wouldn’t believe. I started thinking about it this morning and it’s just...one more thing out of my control.”

“He’s going to be fine.”

“Mercedes, I’m a pediatric surgeon. He has an identical twin brother, I can see his development in comparison to Max’s. He’s behind, I’m concerned. This is just one of the many things I haven’t talked to Brittany about.”

“You need to have some serious heart to heart with her. This isn’t like you when it comes to her, it’s like you with everyone else.”

“You’re right.” Santana sighs. “This job has just been hard on our relationship and I’m trying not to dump my problems on her.”

“Dump your problems on her. She’s your wife, you’re legally allowed to do that.”

Mercedes stays until after the boys wake up and Santana is grateful for the extra set of hands when she is nursing. Liam situates himself at Santana’s feet for most of the afternoon and she tries not to get frustrated while she’s attempting to do things around the house. Brittany texts her that she should be home for dinner and Santana makes pasta, thinking that it’s easy even with Liam being clingy and the twins alternating crying. When Brittany walks in the door, Santana feels relief that Liam runs to her. As much as she loves her sons, sometimes it’s a lot being with them alone all day and she loves that Brittany is home, loves that she can pee without someone in the bathroom with her.

“Mama, ‘Cedes came over.” Liam announces excitedly. “I made her pictures and Max frowed up on her.”

“He did, did he? Sounds like someone still has trouble keeping his milk down.” Brittany kisses Liam, then picks up Max. “Mama’s home and Mommy’s cooking dinner. Do you want me to take over, honey?”

“I’m good.” Santana shakes her head. “Just about to drain the pasta.”

“Can I steal a kiss?” Brittany comes over to Santana and Santana turns her head, letting Brittany catch her lips in a lingering kiss. “I missed you all today.”

“We missed you too. A lot.”

“So how does everyone feel about me having next Monday and Tuesday off?”

“Really?” Santana feels like her whole body sighs with relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.”

“Really, I talked to Sue today and she told me to move my surgical calendar around. I thought a long weekend would be nice.”

“Did you have something in mind to do?”

“No, I think we both deserve a break and it won’t be a break if we drive up to Boston. I think we should just do things around here, you let me cook and maybe make your breakfast in bed.”

“Britt.”

“You’ve been pulling double duty for weeks. Let me take care of you a little this weekend.”

“Mama! I can help.” Liam insists. “I’m a good breakfast maker. I can put the waffles in the toasty all by myself!”

“Well then I’ll definitely need your help.” Brittany laughs. “Look at you, growing up on me while I’ve been so busy at work.”

They eat dinner as a family and Liam chatters all through it. Brittany lets him pick one show to watch after dinner and he sits on the couch transfixed by Paw Patrol while Santana and Brittany bring Max and Oliver upstairs to bathe them. When they come back down, Santana holding Oliver and Brittany holding Max, the show is just ending and Brittany tells him that it’s time for bath. Rather than taking the twins upstairs right away, Santana leans back on the couch and positions them so they can both nurse, always feeling calmer at the last feeding of the day than she does at any other time.

When she’s finished, Santana brings the boys into Liam’s room so Brittany can kiss them goodnight and then she lays them down in her bedroom, watching as they fight the sleep. Once they’re down for the night, Santana joins Brittany in Liam’s bedroom again and she listens to Iggy Peck Architect until Liam falls asleep. With a kiss on his puckered cheek Santana smiles down at him and then Brittany follows her back downstairs where they’ll put the house back in order together.

“Britt?” Santana looks over at her, where she sits putting Liam’s Legos back in the bin. “I know you have off Monday and Tuesday...”

“I still have off Thursday.” She reassures her wife. “Monday and Tuesday are just a little gift from Sue.”

“I’m...feeling really concerned about the appointment.”

“You are? I didn’t know that.”

“After everything that happened between us, I was trying not to add any extra stress onto all the stress you already had. It’s bad enough I did that professionally...”

“You really didn’t.” Brittany shakes her head. “And you’re my wife, Oliver is my son, if you’re worried about something that concerns him, that takes priority over my work.”

“He’s developing slower than Max.”

“I know.” She puts the last of the Legos in the bin and comes over to Santana. “I see it too.”

“I accept that he might have special needs, I don’t want you to think I’m like...not. I just hope that I’m a good enough mom to take care of him the right way. I already know you are.”

“Santana, can I tell you something?”

“Uh huh.” Santana wipes the tears that form at the corners of her eyes and looks up at Brittany.

“Way back when you first met Liam, one of the first things I noticed about the way you interacted with him was the way you dealt with his arm. You were always really gentle with it, but you also didn’t treat him any differently because it didn’t work properly or because of his burn scars. That’s how you’re going to be with Oliver. And you’re going to be his advocate, you’re going to make sure he gets everything he could possibly need.”

“I want to be that.”

“You will, because you’ve been it for Liam in the short time you’ve been his mother. I have no doubts that you’re amazing.”

“I’m really scared of what they’re going to tell us.”

“Whatever it is, we’re going to get through it together. I know it’s harder because we’re surgeons and we’re fixers but it’s going to be okay.”

“Britt?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think that being married to me is going to hold you back in your career? I know that’s totally unrelated, I’ve just had a lot in my head.”

“Santana, what are you talking about?”

“I’m just afraid because of everything that happened in the last few weeks that having your wife work in the same hospital will keep you from getting promoted to chief. Honestly if that’s the case, I’ll transfer to NYU or Methodist or LIJ because—“

“Honey.” Brittany strokes Santana’s arms. “You being my wife is not holding me back. You need to stop getting so stuck in your head.”

“It’s impossible. I’m an anxious wreck.”

“I really mean it when I say I want you to relax this weekend. You’re all over the place and it’s not good for you.”

“I think...Britt, I know you have work in the morning—“

“Do you need to take an Ambien and get a good night’s sleep?”

“I think so. I just feel like I haven’t had one since I was pregnant. All I do is toss and turn.”

“I’ll get up with the boys. We have plenty of milk in the refrigerator, you should sleep.”

“Are you sure it’s not too much?”

“I’ve been neglecting what I need to do at home. I have one more day of work before my long weekend, I can handle it on limited sleep. Sue will be back, I have no surgeries. Me being there is just a formality.”

“Thank you. I just feel like I can’t do tomorrow without some sleep. I don’t know how my mother does it all day.”

“She sleeps. She’s not on duty all night long, you are. I don’t expect you to deal with the twins twenty-four seven just because you’re not at work.”

“I feel so guilty when they’re near me and I don’t nurse them.”

“Honey, you’re human and sometimes you need a break. You nurse them every night, they’ll be fine with bottles tonight.”

“Thank you.” Santana sighed heavily, putting the last of Liam’s toys away. “I just need a this.”

“Are you tired? Do you want to go up to bed now?”

“Kind of. As much as I want to spend time with you tonight, I think getting to bed early will be good for both of us.”

“I’d agree with that. And this weekend we’ll have lots of time.”

Once the downstairs is in decent shape, Santana and Brittany go up to the bedroom. While Brittany washes up, Santana changes and watches the twins as they sleep. They’re such beautiful babies and sometimes it makes Santana feel like she’s going to cry just looking at them. She never thought she’d make such perfect things, she never imagined that she’d love the babies she grew inside of her as much as she does, but here she is, completely enamored, no matter how overwhelmed she is.

“They’re the sweetest, aren’t they?” Brittany whispers.

“They really are just...something else. They’re growing so fast I’m scared I can’t even keep track of it.”

“I love that you had them. I know that after they were born everything got difficult, and I don’t know if I ever told you that you carrying our babies was one of the best things that I’ve ever seen.”

“I wanted to do it. I think I just needed to feel like I was doing something big. My whole life has been work and then you gave me Liam and I wanted to give you something in return.”

“I love you so much, Santana.”

“I love you so much too.”

[rigginsstreet]

BillyxSteve fanfic recs?

thank god for this message honestly. fair warning theres probably gonna be a lot of smut?? because uh….thats the kind of bitch i am ANYWAY

(under the cut cuz whoops this is a long list)

Billy Hargrove Sucks: Hopper puts Steve in charge of sobering up a wasted Billy Hargrove one afternoon and suddenly things start to make sense. Until they really don’t. (10/10 do recommend. its probably my fave fic, definitely in the top 2. also….breakfast club references.)

Plenty of Fish: “As I said, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, Harrington. Pretty boy like you shouldn’t have any problems finding another hookup.” “I don’t really want a hookup.” “Maybe you don’t want one. But you sure as hell need it.”—Steve is spying on Nancy and Jonathan outside the Snowflake Ball. Billy happens to pass by.

In the Darkness (We are Free): Steve wasn’t really sure how he ended up on his knees behind the bleachers with Billy Hargrove’s dick in his mouth.

dazed and confused: Led Zeplin plays softly in the background and Steve hums along absently, his eyes are closed and he looks relaxed and happy. It’s fucking annoying is what it is. Billy takes a long slow drag from his cigarette and glares at Steve not that the other could see. They’ve been doing this kinda shit lately, hanging out after and just listening to music because Steve’s parents are never home so there’s no rush. They don’t talk about anything or even really acknowledge each other, it’s nice.

Post-Game Stress Relief: Steve’s intent on fighting turns into a slightly different activity.

i’ve been (touching you): Steve’s never really been good at the whole domestic thing.

All this bad blood here: If you asked Billy Hargrove exactly how he came to be standing in front of Steve Harrington’s huge ass house in the middle of the night, he’d tell you that he had absolutely no idea. It was only partly true, he’d been walking, desperate to get out of that cage of a house, away from his dad, away from Susan, Max. Away from every reminder that he was a huge fucking disappointment to them all.

hard and heavy, dirty and mean: “Remember,” he whispers in Steve’s ear, his breath hot. “You wanted this.”

feeling lonely (in the dark): Steve’s in the middle of making breakfast when he just-Stops.

The Break and the Reason Why: They were bound to fall apart. Maybe not from the beginning, not even since Nancy’s guilt started to agonize her, but from the moment Steve and Nancy saw Billy for the first time. And it wasn’t what Nancy saw when she looked at Billy, but what she saw when she looked away and back to Steve. She wouldn’t have admitted it - probably wouldn’t now - but, deep down inside, she recognized what she saw in Steve’s eyes, and it started to break her heart.

you shook me so hard, baby: “You’re awfully fuckin’ chatty tonight.” Billy comments, what Steve thinks is supposed to be casually but coming from him it’s mostly just dark and sinister and that does things to Steve’s dick.“I was just-”“I know, you just need something a little more productive to do with that pretty mouth of yours.”

The Pervasiveness of Loss: Billy makes a list. Steve helps him finish it. (my other favorite fic. i cried. twice)

Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile: If you asked Steve Harrington what the weirdest experience he’d had in 1984 was, he wouldn’t say fighting a small army of Demo-dogs, nor would he say becoming a babysitter slash friend to a group of 13 year olds (and he was a mentor, excuse you. Not a babysitter.). Nope, Steve Harrington’s single strangest experience of 1984 was being kissed by Billy Hargrove after they’d had a knock down drag out fight in the middle of his kitchen floor.

Word to the Wise: Dustin tries to give Billy a serious warning about dating Steve.

i think of your pretty face when I let it unwind: He fights himself on this as long as he possibly can because only a queer would jerk off thinking about another guy and Billy’s not gay.

we love making (whispers): Steve loves breaking Billy apart; loves being torn apart, himself.

consider him rocked like a hurricane: billy getting his dick sucked in a locker room! not much else to say about it

Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth: A half-drugged Billy kisses Steve and then doesn’t remember, but still flirts with Steve constantly. Steve pines for his new friend.

for a good cause: “What am I supposed to do with Billy, anyway? What do we have in common?” “I don’t know. What guys do when you’re around each other, I guess.”Or the one in which Max asks Steve to distract Billy for a few hours.

Stray: Steve almost runs someone over. There shouldn’t be anyone this far from Hawkins at this time of the day. Especially not Billy Hargrove. And yet he’s there.

when he (dreams): Steve knew Jonathan had the tendency to go for voyeuristic photos, but he just-He never thought the teen would have any of him, and especially not any of Billy.(Or the two of them, together.)

Mark Me (I’m yours): One thing that Steve quickly learns about Billy and sex with Billy, is that he loves leaving marks. Not just in hidden places under clothes, but in very, very obvious places. He’ll bite and mouth and suck until the skin on whatever part of Steve’s body he has his wicked mouth on is purpled and throbbing.

New Normal: Max thinks Billy is a mouth-breather. Billy has the worst case of heart eyes. Steve’s just here for the free cookies.

Billy In Leather Pants: I mean. It’s what it is, man. (honestly…another iconic fic)

Affection: "There were many reasons why Steve kept his distance from Billy Hargrove and he could list a few of them such as a) the guy was an asshole b) the guy was definitely crazy c) he was a shitty brother to Max, to say the least d) he had been shitty to Lucas as well, in fact, to all of his kids - sorry, not his, but his friends, his 13-years-old friends (God! He needed to get out some more) - and e) he had beat the shit out of Steve not so long ago.“

Nothin’ But a Good Time: What had he been thinking? Letting Billy lead him off into the night? Letting the other boy touch him, mark him?

shaking up all our doubting bones: There are a lot of things Steve is self-conscious about, and there are a lot of things he isn’t. The former is what he feels this time, his lack of mental dexterity a sore spot he doesn’t want provoked.

rest and (relax): Steve tends to Billy’s wounds after a bad run-in with his dad.

Restaurants and Reservations: They’d gone on sort-of-not-really dates before; late night drives to all night diners, full on make out sessions at the 3 o’clock show that no one ever went to at the Hawk, walks in the woods at night when the moon shone bright and ominous in the sky and Billy held his hand even though Steve insisted he wasn’t scared.But they’d never been on a real date, a planned date, a fancy date.

Halloween Smash: Steve sticks around and gets drunk after Nancy says he’s "bullshit.” Drunk Steve makes friends with Billy Hargrove. Briefly. After the drunk sex and the shouting, they’re probably not friends anymore.

Mr. Owl: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

We Could Write a Bad Romance: AU- Steve is Dustin’s adoptive dad/big brother. They’re trying to live their lives as peacefully as possible when Dustin’s basketball coach, Billy, turns out to be kind of an ass. Steve will find himself oddly attracted to the weirdo. A weird friendship is born, and more.

Pour Some Sugar On Me: Surprisingly, Steve had kept to the promise he made to himself. Despite the heated looks and snarky comments, he had not found himself shaking against Billy’s heat in several days. Unfortunately, he had also been unsuccessful in getting the other boy to have a serious conversation with him.

Convenience: Steve has detention. Unfortunately, also in detention are: his ex-girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend, and the asshole who beat him unconscious just days ago. So. A little weird.

you know when you’re gone i struggle at night: Steve can barely stay awake at school. Probably because he was up all night thinking about Billy.

babysitters club: Steve hadn’t expected his high school life would come to this, not just that he’d end up with a bat filled with nails to fend off terrifying demo-dogs, that he would end up as a cab driver/babysitter for a bunch of kids. Dustin was one thing but in helping out one, he’d suddenly become the go to for favours from Hawkins own fantastic four.

Knight Rider and Greyskull: What would have happened if Billy showed up at the Byers house and was instead accidentally inducted into the Gang of Kicking Demogorgon Ass? Well, a lot. Too damn much, if Steve has anything to say about it. (how season 2 shouldve ended tbh)

also theres this fic and a sequel in which billy and steve swap styles that i fucking adore

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

what's another embarrassing story you have?

Alright let’s talk about my last day of high school.

So like, my school had this program where seniors could actually leave school like a month and a half early and work as interns for people in the neighborhood or something (Senior Study? Community Study? I forget what it was called). Most people did it because, hey, getting out of school early AND if you did it you didn’t have to take final exams- but some people chose not to and some couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because, I think I had too many detentions (long story)? I don’t remember if that was the reasoning, but I didn’t actually wanna apply in the first place because the idea sounded lowkey terrifying to me at the time for whatever reason. So anyway, our grade had suddenly dropped from like hundreds of kids to like, maybe 15-20 something. So, naturally, everyone left had even more of  ‘Kings of the School/Senior Privilege’ attitudes than usual. We were mostly just dicking around at this point.

So basically, all the classes that were just seniors were like…anywhere from 2 to 5 people max. So the teachers kinda stopped paying attention too, and didn’t really even seem to realize who was there and who wasn’t. And high school was such an…exhausting time in my life that I was thrilled with this, I just wanted it to die already.

So we get to my final day, and I am relaxed to the max. All I had to worry about that day was my fifteen minute “Fault In Our Stars” play for Theater last period. I slept through most of my other classes, or texted my friends from other schools, or read, or ate candy. It was a great day. And after how tiring, stressful, and emotionally overwhelming high school had been, I was really loving this as my last day. I deserved this for my last day, you know? A nice, calm memory!

So, I’m in my forensics class, and it’s maybe 15 minutes to the bell but I was worried I might have had a chemical on my hand, so I asked to go to the bathroom. Mistake one: Not just waiting to go until after class. Mistake two: Leaving my phone in my bag instead of slipping it in my pocket.

So I go to the bathroom, it was like down two halls and on the corner kinda. I could see the doors that lead to the stairs on both ends, and the elevator, and the door to the upstairs gym from the entrance. I go in, wash my hands and I start to walk back out.

And the fucking alarm goes off.

Not the fire alarm, the “We have a gunman in the school” alarm. We were in full fucking lockdown.

Before I can even fucking react, All the doors are slammed closed. There’s a rule that teachers have to lock the door and cover it and not open it for anybody but the principal who knows a secret knock code, which I didn’t know. The doors to the stairways were closed, the gym was probably locked, and I wasn’t gonna risk an elevator. So I ran back into the deserted bathroom.

Now, here’s the thing- usually, when there’s a lockdown or a lockdown drill, comes over the loudspeaker and says whether it’s real or not, and if it’s a drill we’ll have been notified it was going to happen because the teachers tell us. My forensics teacher didn’t even give me a hall pass, so he clearly hadn’t been anticipating this. My school had only had an actual, real life lockdown once, and that ended up being a false alarm- it was right after Sandy Hook, someone looked on the grainy security camera to see some boys holding an umbrella like it was a gun, people panicked. Right now there was no announcement, just the alarms blaring, so I was freaking out.

And then I start fucking hearing someone pounding down the halls.

And I’m just like…not fucking today. I do not deal with all this bullshit just to die on my last God damn day of school. We are not doing this, Satan!

So some surge of need for survival that I’ve never experienced blasted through me, right? So I fucking run into one of the stalls, and brace my back against the wall, with one foot up on the toilet bowl and one foot on the paper dispenser, and my arms against the door and the far wall, so that when someone came in to see if people were in there, they looked under the doors and didn’t see any feet. The person eventually left but I didn’t get down because the alarm was still going.

I need you guys to understand how hard this was though. Like, first, I had to keep my head and neck at a painful angle so my hair wouldn’t be visible over the top of the stall. Also, I have like, a lot of back problems, and bad ankle, and shitty knees (I’m literally an 80 year old man), so to hold this position for 40 minutes as I ended up having to do was quite a fucking feet let me tell you.

And I was so fucking terrified while this was going on too. At this point I’m positive it’s not a drill, because those last 15 minutes tops. I didn’t have my phone on me so I couldn’t text anyone to see if they knew what was going on. Someone is still walking around and banging on doors, and I’m certain it’s not a police officer because wouldn’t they be talking???

And then all the sudden, the alarm shits off??? And the principal comes over and is like “Everything’s fine go to class” WITH NO GOD DAMN EXPLANATION, and I hear people moving through the halls and loudly freaking out about what just happened, and I am forced to come to terms with the fact my body has ceased up I literally can’t get out of this position. Oh my God.

Finally, after like ten minutes of using my one moveable leg to kick the wall in hopes of getting someone’s attention, some random girl comes in and hears me. She deadass had to climb under the stall and open the door to get it open before helping me down. She was cracking the fuck up the entire time and her friends who were using the other stalls were demanding to know what was going on like. Holy shit.

(side note: apparently it was a bomb threat but they ended up finding no evidence of anything in the school. Although, like? Wouldn’t you want to remove people from a building before looking for a bomb? Is that just me?)

So that was well and good, but then??? I guess she mentioned it to her older brother who was in my gov class??? Because next thing I know all the remaining seniors and some junior boys were going “YEAH JAVERTS A CHAMPION” and cracking up whenever they saw me that day. And like, I can appreciate the humor in it and was like “Oooh yeah I #SURVIVED” and all that but I was just. Cringing so hard the entire day. I only thought to respond to your ask with this story bc someone just messaged me about it on facebook. I’m never stepping inside a high school again omfg.

[jojuarez26]

I hate you I love you Part 54

Mature content and strong language @pathybo @tigpooh67 @ljvosscmt @branflakes82 @glamlover87 @angolodiparadiso @clublulu333 @beautifulramblingbrains @deepfrz @scorpio2009 @scissor-win-ski @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @synnocence @emmalouwho19 @frecklefaceb @dauntlessmetalmom @randomness-ensues @dani5102 @hypermanga

I was surrounded by darkness. I could faintly hear the sounds of beeping and whirring. Why was it dark? I realized it was because my eyes where closed. I felt fingers running threw my hair. I slowly opened my eyes only to be looking directly into steel gray ones.

“Hey beautiful, ” he said barely above a whisper. He moved my hair out of my face and gently ran his knuckles down my cheek.

I just stared for a minute trying to get my barrings. “Luna, when is the last time you ate anything?” I just blinked trying to remember what I knew I forgot.

Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. Evelyn, shots, my brother. MY BROTHER!!

“NO NO JEREMIAH!!!” I sat up to bolt. I’m quick, but Eric was quicker.

“Hey,hey, HEY!! Jess, he’s alright. Look at me. He’s alright. ” he slowly got me to lay back.

“But he was shot,” I mumbled. I somewhat remember now.

“He was. But it was a flesh wound to the thigh. Adam however, not so lucky,” my heart sunk and tears burned in my eyes.

“What happened? Why am I in the infirmary? Is the baby ok?” I began to feel panic rising in my chest.

“You’re both fine. You passed out. Between not eating in I don’t know how long and stress. You almost went face first. But I caught you. ” I looked and realized my left arm was back in a sling.

I groaned. Now Eric was hurt even more, again. Then I remembered her parting words.

“Eric, what did Evelyn mean? She’ll see me soon?” it didn’t sit well with me. Why did I always seem to be in the middle of bullshit I didn’t understand?

“I don’t know. But I promise I intend to find out.”

“Blaze they need to go back to Amity. This isn’t Jer and Crystals fight. Fuck they don’t even belong here. They need to go home and be safe.” the tears where flowing freely now.

“No they don’t. They are safer here. We sent patrols on sight at all other factions. Except for Abnegation. They are all currently at Amity. We have doubled our security here and are on high alert.”

I sighed. I am so tired of this. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to just curl up in bed with Eric and just take a break from this reality at the moment.

“Blaze I want to go home,” I whispered shakily.

“Ok, I’ll go get you discharged.”

As he went to stand up I reached for his hand. He looked down at me and I looked deep into his eyes.

“What is Jess?” he looked concerned. I was trying to keep my composure. But I really just needed to let him know how I felt in this moment.

“I love you Eric. I never realized it until I almost lost you. So with everything going on, I just want, no, I need you to know I love you. And I I-I don’t ever want to be with out you.

I know you’re not use to me being weak or needy, but I am tired. I just really, I really need you right now.” the tears where flowing heavy and hard. I fucking hate these hormones and this feeling of weakness.

Eric moved to sit down on the bed next to me. He leaned in and pulled me tight to his chest. A gentle kiss was placed on my forehead. He moved back and gently cupped my cheek. He just gazed into my eyes for a moment.

“I didn’t ever think I would be capable of love and trust. But, I love you. I trust you. I would’ve given up my life to protect you before. Now my life is to protect you both. You are NOT weak. You have just been strong enough for the both of us.

Now take a break. Let me be strong enough for the both of us. Relax, let me take care of you.”

I seen unshed tears in his eyes. How did it take so long for us to figure this out? How did we miss this. We where two broken people who seem to complete each other, to heal each other.

“I’ll be back. Let me get you out of here.” he smiled at me so lovingly, he walked out looking over his shoulder at me one more time.

I closed my eyes and tried to get myself back to composed. I suddenly felt eyes on me. I opened mine and my eyes filled with tears again.

“Four. Are you ok? I’m so sorry.” he just lost his piece of shit father at the hands of his bat shit crazy mother. He gave me a sad lopsided smile.

He walked over and sat in the chair Eric had just vacated. He put his head down. After a moment he looked back up.

“What are you sorry for Jess? I’m the one who should be apologizing to half the faction. My nut job parents took there hatred and craziness to a whole new level.”

“Four, you just lost your father at the hands of your mother. Are you really ok?”

“I’m fine. Just wanted to check on you. I just saw your brother. He seemed to be ok.” Eric walked in the door and looked at both of us. He looked sad.

“Want to help me get her home Stiff?” I saw a glint of humor in his eyes. But he was just getting back up and about. He probably felt safer with someone completely capable of catching me if I fell again.

“Sure. Nothing better to do on a two day mandatory leave. Max thinks I need some time and space. Truth is, it’s probably the last thing I need.”

Just then a nurse came in to unhook all the shit I was connected too. I really couldn’t wait to get home.

[spaceskam]

a little follow up to this for @skrtl ❤️️

ao3

warning: literally just talking about mental health

Michael watched Alex through the open door of the bathroom.

As mentally drained as he felt, Alex’s bed was his sanctuary and watching him get ready from the safety of it was something too lovely to apply words too. It replaced all the bad thoughts in his mind if only for a moment.

Things between them were slow moving, but he didn’t mind. Alex was still going to therapy and Michael had decided to do the next best thing with joining AA and a queer support group. He had to hide some truths, but talking about things even in a slightly altered way helped. 

Maybe he couldn’t talk about Max dying, but he could talk about the shed. Maybe he couldn’t talk about being an alien, but he could talk about being different and having to hide. He could talk about being exposed to drugs and alcohol at a young age and using them to numb his mind to the abuse, even if he couldn’t be specific by saying acetone. He hadn’t even realized how fucked up he still was over his childhood until he had to talk about it.

Alex was proud of him though. That was nice.

Alex moved towards the bed slowly, leaning heavily on his crutches with the weight of the bullshit on his mind. Today was his first day back to work because apparently even a mental break could be swept under Uncle Sam’s stripes-and-stars rug if he needed you enough. And Alex was needed.

“Show me you can handle it,” his superior had said, “And we’ll talk about a promotion.” Even Michael couldn’t deny that Major Alexander Manes had a nice ring to it.

Michael made space for Alex to fall into bed and felt a smile tug at his lips as Alex fell face forward into the pillow. His eyes dragged over Alex’s bare back and visibly saw his muscles relaxing out of sheer force of will. The dip of his back led to the hem of slightly-tattered Air Force sweats that he hadn’t even bothered to tie off beneath his leg. Cautiously, Michael reached out and tucked his hair behind his ear, revealing Alex’s eye that was peeking out from the pillow.

“Hi,” Michael said, voice hoarse for no reason. He cleared his throat and Alex shifted slightly to face him.

“Hi,” he said back, “How was your day?”

“Long.”

“Same.”

Michael ran his fingers through his hair again, trying to get his fix of feeling it because he knew he would probably be forced to get it all chopped off soon. Alex yawned, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. When his eyes watered in response, Michael wiped those not-quite tears away too.

“How was it?” Michael asked, eager to hear more. The one thing they both were having to work on was not only making sure they themselves talked, but making sure the other person talked. Sometimes it seemed like poking a bear, but it was always worth it. Communication was key or some shit.

“Well, most of it was the Colonel making me follow him around all day. He basically wants to babysit me until he’s sure I can handle it or whatever,” Alex explained. Michael furrowed his eyebrows.

“But didn’t the General say you were good to go?” Michael asked. Alex rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but there’s talk that I only passed the psych eval because he pulled some strings. Which isn’t that much of a stretch, I get it. But I’d rather not be babysat,” he said. Michael understood that more than a little.

“Tell him to fuck off.”

Alex huffed a laugh, “Guerin, he’s my superior, I can’t do that.”

“See, this is why I could never be in the military,” Michael stated. Alex shook his head.

“There’s a lot of reasons why a lot of people couldn’t or shouldn’t join the military. I mean, the whole system is fucked so that’s why we have people that shouldn’t be there, but I’m lucky. I’m in a position where my worst situation is being babysat by some white guy who thinks he’s better than me,” Alex said, shrugging slightly, “Could be worse.”

“I guess,” Michael sighed, “I just still don’t get why they want you to stick around so bad.” Alex gave him a small smile and then tapped his temple.

“Got my dad’s secrets and the General knows that,” he said softly, “There’s a good chance if I try to get out, something bad would happen to make sure I keep my mouth shut.”

Michael’s stomach dropped and his body tensed. Alex had said the words so nonchalantly, but they didn’t feel nonchalant.

“Alex, that’s not funny.”

“It wasn’t a joke,” Alex huffed a laugh despite it not being funny, “Wouldn’t be the first guy to mysteriously go missing because they knew too much.”

Michael kept staring at him and tried to find the best way to explain how much destruction he would cause if that happened. It did, however, successfully distract him from his own personal stress of the day. Alex disappearing was the most terrifying thing in the world. Especially now when they were getting better. 

“Okay, throwing that topic away, I’m not being serious,” Alex said, but Michael could hear that it was nothing more than a comforting lie. Still, he let Alex scoot closer and tap him on the nose to lighten the mood. “Tell me about your day.”

“Um,” Michael said, trying to think about anything but the shitty situation Alex was stuck in, “I was talking to, uh, my sponsor at AA and she asked if I wanted to come to this all boy’s group home and talk.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, when I said that I didn’t really have a success story to tell, she said was like, ‘what the fuck are you talking about, you have a job and a place to live, that’s a success story’ and, I don’t know, made me feel weird,” Michael admitted. Alex smiled.

“I don’t know her, but I like her,” he said. Michael rolled his eyes, but his smile matched Alex’s.

“Yeah, she was saying it would also probably help me because those kids get what I went through specifically,” he said, “I just feel stupid for having so many different issues that need so many specific things.”

“I get that, I felt like that too,” Alex explained, “My therapist back when I was admitted said that they tend to go hand in hand, though, which is just a shitty thing that happens. Like it’s all your life and so things are going to be intertwined and so if one big bad thing happens, there’s probably something else that’s bad that fucks you up that only happened because of the bad thing that happened before. It’s a big cycle that you have to break even if you didn’t start it.”

“So basically I’m fucked.”

“No,” Alex laughed, “We just got dealt shitty hands, but we’re not alone in it. You’re not the only person that has dealt with all of these things. Statistically impossible.”

“I’m probably the only one who dealt with all of those things while also being an alien.”

“You don’t know that either,” Alex said boldly. Michael took a deep breath and nodded.

“So what I’m hearing is you think I should go talk to those kids,” Michael said. Alex nodded with that sweet little smile.

“It’d be good for you.”

“Maybe,” Michael agreed, staring at him for a few seconds longer. He was so pretty. “Positive thing. Go.”

Alex snorted and rolled his eyes, but scooted closer because he could. They were almost nose to nose. For a moment, Michael thought about kissing him. Then he quickly threw that thought in the trash because they still had a long way to go before they did something more than just sharing a bed for comfort.

“Um,” Alex hummed, his fingers reaching out and tapping a little rhythm against Michael’s hip over the blanket, “Oh, you know what, Kyle and Forrest brought me lunch. Did you know they’re, like, weirdly good friends now? Anyway, it was from that new sushi place downtown. It was pretty good, we’ll have to go there sometime.”

“Yeah, we should,” Michael agreed even though he never really had sushi before with the exception of that one time Isobel force fed him sushi and he threw it up in the parking lot of the Wild Pony. But he would eat sushi again if Alex liked it.

“Your turn, positive thing.”

“Uh,” he said, taking a deep breath, “I don’t know. Does that one lady who comes all the time because she drives for Uber and always brings me coffee coming with coffee count?”

“Did it make you happy?”

“Yeah.”

“Then of course it counts.”

“Okay, then her.”

“Was it good coffee?” Alex prodded. Michael offered a little laugh.

“Yeah, it was good,” he said. Alex hummed sweetly, leaning in just a bit to bump their noses together which gave Michael more dopamine than he could actually comprehend. “But I think my main positive thing is right now, being with you.” Alex rolled his eyes. “I’m serious.”

“You keep complimenting me and I might start thinking you like me,” Alex teased. Michael laughed softly and just smiled at this man who he really didn’t feel like he deserved. Which, in itself, was a problem. He did deserve Alex. As long as he was trying to get better and be better for him, he deserved him. Thinking he didn’t would only lead to bad things. “We need to go to sleep, I’ve gotta get up early.”

“Okay,” Michael complied, still feeling much better than he had for most of the day just being with him.

Alex moved up to kiss his forehead and Michael flicked off the lights with his telekinesis.

“Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Michael agreed, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

And, still, he pulled him close and held him until he could fall asleep.

[spaceskam]

Roswell prompt request if you aren't busy! I really love Malex and almost made a request for them but I really think a sibling moment oneshot with Max, Isabel and Michael would be super awesome because I personally am starved for sibling interaction. Maybe them coming through for each other to help when they have a problem with their powers (max seems to have those a lot, he even said that his powers can be a pretty big burden.) or something along those lines?

I tried, I hope you enjoy it! its kinda long but oh well

“Something’s wrong.”

Michael looked over to Isobel, furrowing his eyebrows as she sat up straight.  He opened his mouth to ask what she meant only to be overwhelmed with the same feeling.  He sat up straight.

“Let’s go,” Michael said and Isobel immediately agreed, the two rushing their way out of the trailer and towards Michael’s truck.

Michael quickly began to push his truck past the speed limit, rushing to wherever Max was freaking out at.  Isobel was holding on the dash with each sharp move Michael used the truck to make.  A million thoughts were rushing through their heads. Was he hurt? Did he get shot? Was he at work?

The whole ride there, street lights flickered.“I swear to god if he causes another blackout,” Isobel grumbled as they pulled up to Max’s house.  The whole building was dark which only amplified their worries.

“Max!” They both yelled as they ran towards the house.  Michael let them in and they started their search for their brother.

Isobel located him first, their bond a little too tight to make it difficult.  He was in his bedroom, curled up on the floor beside his bed.  She recognized it as being very similar to a few times she’d found Michael in high school.  Sometimes his anger would get the best of him along with his foster parents, leaving him drained and a broken mess on the floor.  Max, on the other hand, had never seemed to actually break.  Not like this.

“Max,” Isobel said cautiously right as Michael slid into the doorway.  They shared a look before Isobel went to sit beside Max.  When she placed her arm around him, she learned his whole body was shaking.  She hugged him into her side.

“I’ll be real, man, I was expecting an anger fit,” Michael said softly, taking slow steps towards the pair.  Isobel glared at him and he rolled his eyes.

“Max, did something happen?” Isobel asked softly.  She felt his whole body tense harder beneath her arm and the lights in the house flickered a couple times.  The bulb in the lamp beside his bed burst.  Isobel jumped.  Michael smiled, sitting in front of his siblings.

“That’s the Max I expected.” he teased.  Max didn’t react.  Isobel kicked Michael.

Isobel hugged Max a little tighter to her and combed her fingers through his hair, mimicking how she’d once comforted Michael and how they had both once comforted her.  The whole situation made her uneasy.  Max was usually the one who held his shit together.  Even when he was being emotional and even when he caused a blackout, he was able to understand and compose himself.  Now he was just a mess and she had no idea how to fix it.  Hell, she had no idea what had gone so wrong.  She felt useless.

Michael eventually scooted on the other side of Max, though not as close to him as Isobel was.  Still, they had him sandwiched.  And then time passed.  Sometime within the next hour, once it became clear that Max had no intention to talk, Michael telepathically brought a blanket to drape over them.

Then they waited.

Their waiting prolonged well into the morning.  Max fell asleep first, Isobel soon after, and Michael was up some time until the early hours of the morning until succumbing to sleep as well.  He always fell asleep last.  Every sleepover they had growing up, he couldn’t sleep until he knew they were okay and sound asleep.

Isobel woke up first.  Sometime in his sleep, Max had shown his face and revealed tons of tear streaks still prevalent.  Her bottom lip protruded into a pout and she wiped his face, but nothing smudged.  She slowly removed herself from him and took a look at her brothers.  They both were always stressed to hell, but when they were asleep it’s like they finally got a few moments of peace.  She couldn’t help but smile at that.

She made her way to Max’s kitchen where she opened the curtains to bring in the light and started working on breakfast for them.  Working on breakfast and working on how to find out what made Max into an angry, crying mess.  Each egg she cracked gave her time to think of a new reason.  Maybe he lost his job, maybe he found the fourth alien, maybe he lost his favorite gun.

By the time the smell of bacon serenaded the boys from their slumbered, she landed on the only real option being Liz.

“Mm, homemade breakfast.  The only thing better than whiskey in the morning.” Michael said, standing beside the counter as he grabbed a plate.  Max stumbled in after him, seeming almost hungover.

“Good morning,” Isobel said, handing him a plate. Max hazily took it from her.

“So, there’s really no point in beating around the bush, what happened?” Michael bluntly asked.  Isobel shot him a glare and quickly stepped to Max’s side.  He’d gone tense again, his whole face skewered up in what seemed to be physical pain.  She grabbed his arm when the bulbs around the room burned blindingly bright before bursting.  The one on the ceiling sent glass shards into their food, Michael jumping back and narrowly missing a head full of glass. “Here I am being a good brother and you’re trying to fucking kill me.”

“Sorry,” Max grumbled.

“Hey, enough of the electric tantrum, tell us or we’re locking you up.” Isobel threatened.  Max shrugged her off.  “Okay, seriously, what happened with Liz?”

Max snapped his head in her direction with furrowed eyebrows.

“Hit the nail on its head.” Michael hummed.  Max scowled. “Okay, Mr. Broody.”

“You’re one to talk.” Max shot back.

“Okay, we’re not about to argue your way out of talking about this.  You’ve blown enough lights, talk it out before you cause another blackout.  We’ve got enough shit on our plate.” Isobel insisted, grabbing Max by the shoulders and forcing him to sit down.  “Talk.”

“Fine.” Max agreed, taking a deep breath.  Michael and Isobel watched intently.  “Liz told me that after we get shit settled with the fourth alien, she’s leaving Roswell.” Every pair of eyebrows in the room furrowed.

“What?  Why? I thought she was getting settled here.  I thought you guys were‒”

“Yeah, so did I!” Max raised his voice and Michael took a step closer.  Isobel rubbed his arm, trying her best to calm him down.  She almost felt even more guilty than she did whenever she was actually the one who made Liz leave.  This time, they were actually something and she wanted to get out after all the bullshit that she was at the forefront of.  “She said she needs to get out.  She had no plan to stay here anyway.  She doesn’t want to stay.”

“What did you say?” Isobel asked, worry coursing through her veins.

“Nothing.  I was getting angry and I just stormed out before I did something stupid.  I didn’t wanna scare her.” Max sighed, leaning back in the chair.  His body deflated, finally relaxing after getting the weight off his chest.

“What are you gonna do?” Michael asked, leaning against the counter once again.  “You gonna, like, follow her?”

“I don’t fucking know.  I wanted to back then, but we’re not kids anymore.  I have a job, I have a life here.  I have reasons to stay and, and after all this shit we’re dealing with right now, I don’t if I wanna be away from you guys.  Not that I feel I have to, I just… We’re safer together, you know?”

“Yeah, we are. But…” Isobel said cautiously, looking over at Michael who seemed to be going over something in his own head.  “But we get it if you need to follow her.”

“What if she doesn’t even want me to?” Max asked.  Michael looked up at him, giving a tight smile.

“I can guarantee you‒she wants you to.”

“How would you know?” Isobel asked as the desperation grew in Max.  She could understand if Max left on his own volition, but if Michael played a role in making their brother leave, she’d probably kill him.  

Michael shrugged, “Look if I was in her shoes… I’d want you to say something.  Either ask her to stay or ask to go with her.  Or ask her to try to work shit out long distance.  Literally, just talk to her because assuming things instead of talking through things only leads to more problems.”

“When the hell did you get so wise?” Isobel scoffed.  Michael smirked.

“Always have been.”

“So, you guys really think there’s a chance?” Max asked, earning nods from them both.  With a heavy sigh, he nodded as well.

“Well, I guess I should call her to talk.”