#maybe if i convert more i will enjoy them more as a mutual crush but in the present moment they are so cringefail

[kusuokisser]

oomf is slowly converting me to torisai.. like. yeah... youre right... they are total losers.... total losers in love.....yeah..

[bbugyu]

hi! could i request a jeonghan enemies (or friends that bicker a lot) to lovers? ty and i love ur writing !!

i am so glad you requested this because i have had this in the works for so long that i had to throw it into a case converter because it had capitalization and i was Not gonna finish it if i had to type it proper (i'm a fucking gremlin ok)

thank u for reading my work and thank u for giving me the perfect excuse to be hopelessly in love with jeonghan!!!!

falling + yoon jeonghan

finally, he thought. someone on his level. what’s the catch?

part one | part two

wc.10009 (fuckin oops) | fluff, humor, uni/coffeeshop/enemies to lovers au, gender neutral reader, slow burn, drinking, like lk too much drinking, swearing, throwing it back to sistar, copious argumentive flirting, everyone is MEAN but like in a funny way, bff!mingyu, it's your resident mingyuzi shipper, the only person more of a little shit than jeonghan is y/n

i used to be a barista and i would get exceptionally hateful towards customers for really stupid reasons and the only thing that could stop it is if they were really hot. this seems to hold great jeonghan energy. also i made y/n, like, mean as hell. like not actually mean but like. Mean. sorry. also all bars mentioned are real bars on capital hill in seattle that i love so if you recognize them that’s why. enjoy this enemies to lovers courtship.

*

you were pretentious, jeonghan thought. you acted like you were better than everyone else, and he hated that he had yet to find a reason to call you wrong.

he saw you almost every day during the week, between the class you shared on tuesdays and thursdays, and the cafe he worked in that you frequented to study. your demeanor was always polite, but what most people would describe as cold. you had caught his attention the first day of the semester, something about you seemed familiar, but he couldn't place it until he made your coffee the next day. you usually sat in the row in front of him, a few seats over, and he would chew on his cheek and wonder how you could sit back in your chair, arms crossed and eyes hardly opened, but still get the highest essay scores in the class. at the end of lecture, after he was done spending all his brain power stewing about your ability to succeed in visual culture without really trying, he would text his friend that took the class last quarter and ask, panic stricken, if he still had his notes, the irony of the situation completely lost on him.

at the cafe, you would come in, order an americano, and sit yourself in a well lit corner to work on your classes for a few hours, the coffee mostly undisturbed on the table beside your favorite armchair, then leave. there was never a smile on your face, and you were always alone. jeonghan watched the ice in your americano melt, watering down the coffee he made. maybe he had let the shots of espresso sit too long before saving them. maybe he let them burn on purpose just to see the face you made. but alas, you hadn't even put the metal straw to your lips. he wondered why you even ordered a coffee if you weren’t going to reap the benefit.

joshua spotted him leaning against the counter as he came out of the kitchen and laughed, setting down the freshly washed milk pitchers. “ask them out.”

he stood up straight. “why?”

“why not? you clearly like them.”

“i really don’t,” jeonghan laughed. “you’re crazy for thinking i do.”

joshua rolled his eyes. “no one spends as much time as you do staring at another person if they don’t find them at least a little attractive. have you ever even talked to them? outside of taking their order?”

he hesitated. “no?”

“so what if they’re actually really wonderful and you have a lot in common?”

“as if.”

“wow,” joshua said, leaning against the counter. “i can’t believe yoon jeonghan is afraid to talk to his crush.”

jeonghan shoved his friend's shoulder, giving him a look. “absolutely not. i'm 99% sure they're a pretentious asshole.”

he crossed his arms. “what does that make you?”

“shut up.”

“whatever, han. i’m just saying it’s kind of pretentious to hate someone solely because they don’t smile wide enough for you when they’re saying thanks.”

“it’s not that hard!” jeonghan said, maybe a little too loud. “i don’t wanna smile either, shua! but i do it! so can they!!”

joshua laughed. “lower your voice and go say hi, you freak.”

much to his chagrin, jeonghan got shoved towards your spot in the cafe with the front of the tables needing to get wiped down. he looked at joshua and seokmin with a furrowed brow as he wrung the towel, both of them giving him thumbs ups with wide grins. begrudgingly, he slowly made his way over to you.

“hey,” jeonghan said, doing his best to project something other than the absolute turmoil going on inside his head. you looked up from your textbook, pulling the earbud out of your ear. “why don’t you drink the coffee?”

you furrowed your brow and looked at your untouched americano. “i- uh, what?”

“you never drink the coffee,” he repeated, nodding at the glass. “why do you get it anyways?”

you blinked up at him. “are you offended that i’m not drinking your coffee?”

he almost laughed at the look of disbelief you were giving him. “no, i just don’t get why you waste the money here if you don’t even need the caffeine.”

“it’s cheaper to buy an americano than it is to rent a stall at a study cafe,” you said, habitually hitting save on your notes document. “why are you so worried about me, yoon jeonghan?”

he faltered, surprised. “you know me?”

“nametag,” you didn't miss a beat, pointing at his chest and giggling. “do you know me?”

jeonghan’s lip twitched, feeling almost embarrassed by not thinking of his own nametag, and definitely not an involuntary reaction to seeing you smile for the first time. “uh, yeah. we have a class together,” he said as casually as possible as he folded the washcloth in his hands. “visual culture.”

you nodded, looking into space for a moment. “hmm. weren’t you also in child psych with professor moon last winter?”

he blinked back at you. “yeah? you were in that class?”

you nodded, holding in a laugh. “yeah, yoon jeonghan. i was. head in the clouds?”

for some reason, the way you said his full name made his ears heat up. “maybe you were easy to forget,” he said dismissively, even though you both knew that wasn't the case. “isn’t it better to study in a library? that one’s free.”

“there’s never any open tables at the library,” you said, unfurling your legs and sitting straight, textbook in your lap. “and the chairs are uncomfortable, unlike this armchair. and people usually don’t bother me here.”

jeonghan sighed. “well, if you’re insistent on going to a cafe, there’s one down the street with a better espresso bean and it’s less busy. less people to bother you and a better tasting americano that you won’t drink.”

you cocked your head, closing your laptop. “is that an invitation?”

and for the first time, you saw jeonghan stutter. “n-no? just a suggestion. i think it’s cheaper, too-”

“don’t you work here?” you asked, eyes shining. “shouldn’t you be happy i’m wasting my money here?”

he eyed you, beginning to turn his body to leave the conversation. “do whatever you want. i’m not your dad.”

you grinned, leaning forward in your chair. “are you busy after class tomorrow?”

“why?”

“i need you to show me where this cafe is.”

jeonghan sighed. “can’t you just look it up? cafe nomu.” he wrote the characters with his finger in the air. “no-mu. use naver.”

“i get lost easily,” you said, standing up. jeonghan wondered if you were telling the truth. “we can go together?”

jeonghan watched you pack up your things, confused. “why?”

you paused, looking at him. “why not?”

he was getting real sick of people asking him why not.

“did i drive you away?” he asked instead, nodding at your now packed bag.

“no, i was headed out soon anyways.” you swung the bag over your shoulder and picked up the untouched americano. “do you want this?”

jeonghan couldn’t help but scoff as you handed him the glass that had been the subject of his staring all afternoon. “you can't be serious.”

you grinned and patted his shoulder. “i’m y/n, by the way. i’ll see you in class?”

he squinted at you as you walked away, suddenly confused by the quick succession of questions you had thrown back and forth. you were cute, sure, and his distaste for you was misplaced, perhaps, but he couldn't help the annoyance that bubbled up in him as you sauntered out of the cafe like you had won a debate. he walked back to the counter and set down the americano, an excited seokmin waiting for him.

“so?” he grabbed the glass and dumped it in the sink behind the counter. “how’d it go?”

jeonghan looked at the door you had left out of. “i think i just got asked out.”

“what?” seokmin’s hands made fists in front of him while he grinned. “y/n did? are you serious? you said yes, right?”

“not really,” he replied, looking back at the younger and exhaling deeply. “but i don’t think i can avoid it.”

you had known of yoon jeonghan for a while. a class here and there, a few mutual friends, and of course at the cafe. but the night you learned his name really stuck out to you, when he had been singing at a karaoke bar right after finals last quarter.

it was common to celebrate the end of finals week with partying and drinking, and your friends had invited you out to barhop until the sun came up. you started at a dance club, had way too much rum at a hula themed place, took tequila shots at a gay bar, then landed at a karaoke bar with a can of beer in your fist and a grin on your face. your friends liked to sing, so you had fun encouraging them to get on the slightly raised stage and show their chops. 

“no, no, no,” mingyu said, grabbing your hands as you tried to push him towards the dj. “no way, i recognize the names on the list. there’s real singers here.”

you looked at the screen that displayed the queue. “what do you mean? who?”

“that guy,” mingyu said, pointing at the screen easily, despite you having to crane your neck to even view it. “no way. he’s in jihoon’s band, i’m not following that guy.”

“hangguk’s angel yoon jeonghan,” you read, squinting. “sounds like a pretentious asshole.”

mingyu laughed. “wait til you hear his voice, you’ll see how he got the name.”

"y/n's right," jun interjected, leaning heavily against the standing table your quad squad had claimed, pouring more soju for himself and whoever would claim the other glass. "he is a pretentious asshole."

you pointed at him, brows raised at mingyu. "jun is never wrong."

mingyu rolled his eyes. "pretentious assholes can still sound like angels."

“where the fuck have you been,” you asked, startled by your third and final friend suddenly appearing beside you.

“around,” vernon said, sipping at the nondescript brown liquid in his glass through a bright pink straw. he laughed when you quirked an eyebrow at him. “soonyoung’s here with his posse, he caught me while i was getting another drink.”

“see!” mingyu shook your shoulder, nearly choking after downing jun’s companion shot. “i told you! jihoon’s band.”

you whacked his bicep. “who cares? just go queue a rap song or something, you pussy.”

the singers cycled through and you cheered on many of your fellow drunk university students as they sang with no remorse. jun dragged you onto the tiny dancefloor and forced you to help him hype up soonyoung - his dance team captain - as he screamed along to hurricane. then one of vernon's friends performed a near flawless rendition of shake it by sistar after yelling something about bringing the summer to this cold winter night, earning him a cheering and dancing crowd, and you had known far more of the choreo than you had thought. mingyu was whooping and hollering at you playfully every time you threw your ass out to the song, and he only got louder when jun and vernon did their best to follow along with you, and you had almost forgotten about the name that everyone insisted was to be feared.

“that guy?” you asked, the self-proclaimed angel stepping onto the stage. you recognized him immediately. “that’s my barista.”

mingyu made a noise that almost resembled whistling, if he had been capable of doing so. “i should start studying with you next quarter.”

and when he sang, it clicked. despite the tonal difference, you couldn't help but become enthralled by his voice. gyu was right. pretentious assholes could still sound like angels, and perhaps that was by design.

his voice drifted through your head again when you noticed him in your visual culture class, seated and giggling at his phone on the first day of the quarter. 

"you have another class with him?" mingyu groaned a week later, walking beside you. "why you? why aren’t there hot guys in my major?"

"because pre-med kids are too busy to be hot."

he gave you a look. "damn, okay. like, you're not wrong, but damn."

you rolled your eyes. "don't act like you don't love being the pre-med heartthrob. you would be pissed if you had competition."

"anyways, are you gonna ask him out?"

you pause at the stop light to wait for your turn to cross, turning towards him. "why would i do that?"

“because he’s hangguk’s angel yoon jeong-honey voice,” mingyu said, moving his head as he dramatically pronounced each syllable in your face. “if you’re not already in love with him, you will be soon, and it sounds like fate's trying to bring you together. didn’t you say he’s your barista?”

you rolled your eyes. “yeah, and his americanos suck now. i don’t even drink it when he makes them anymore.”

he looked at you with a cocked eyebrow. “what the hell? why do you still go there, then?”

you pouted. “it’s quiet and there’s a comfy armchair.”

weeks passed, and you continued to spot jeonghan in your class when you arrived, hearing the faint sound of his singing voice in your head. when he took your order at the cafe, he had a vague snottiness to his voice, and while you absolutely believed that this was the same person as the one you saw sing a soft love ballad with a sobering intensity at two in the morning, you still struggled to connect it to the one you watched run off the stage, immediately curling into himself and laughing with his friends in embarrassment.

you became more and more fascinated by yoon jeonghan as time passed, but his americanos continued to suck. so when he suggested a cafe with better espresso, you lit up. and when he got flustered, letting down his guard unintentionally, you lit up even more. that was the drunk, embarrassed boy you had seen, pink faced and giggling as he hid behind his friends.

jeonghan sat in his usual seat in class, anxiously glancing up at the door every time a group of people entered the lecture hall. when you arrived, your usual minute before the turn of the hour, he rubbed his palms against his sweats. the sweats that he had worn with the specific intention of making sure you didn't think he was trying too hard to look nice around you. despite that fact, part of him still felt annoyed that you were also dressed down, swimming in a hoodie several sizes too big for you. he tried to make sense of the sudden nerves he had, but not once did he consider they were because he thought you were disgustingly adorable.

instead of taking your usual spot, you marched right up to jeonghan’s table and grinned. “is this seat taken?”

he blinked at you. “yes.”

you laughed and slid into the seat beside him anyways, ignoring the dagger stare from a girl across the room that usually sat beside jeonghan silently. “you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“how do you expect me to react? you’ve never even smiled at me before yesterday.”

shrugging, you put your bag on the table and leaned back in your seat, assuming your usual position for this particular class. “you didn’t deserve it before yesterday.”

jeonghan wanted to argue with you, but the professor cleared his throat and introduced the subject of the lecture.

after only ten minutes, jeonghan could have sworn he heard you snoring. he poked your shoulder with his pen.

you looked over at him, eyebrow quirked. you mouthed a “what” at him.

he exhaled suddenly, mouth forming a vague smile more in disbelief than from being entertained. he seemed annoyed with you, despite the fact that he was the one interrupting your allocated meditation time. he leaned forward, turning his body towards you and spoke in a hushed tone. “how can you do that every day and still be top of the class?”

you mirrored his body language, leaning forward over the desk and resting your cheek on a fist, speaking in the same hushed tone. “visual culture is subjective. as long as you understand the concept; i-e, how we as humans visually design the world around us and how that becomes an important aspect of our place in nature, in the universe, in existence, etcetera; then you can write about literally anything. my last essay was about skate parks. the more opinionated the essay, the better score you get.” you pointed a finger at the man speaking at the front of the class. “i watched the prof’s ted talk before the quarter started - every lecture is just a regurgitation of the same concepts. it’s an easy a, as long as you have strong opinions.”

jeonghan stared at you for what felt like an eternity. “you do seem like you have strong opinions.”

“and you don’t, yoon jeonghan?”

he supposed he couldn’t argue with that, but it still frustrated him to no end that you had found some kind of loophole that he had missed. you gamed the system better than he could, and he had been stuck pouring over his friend’s notes from the previous quarter and bullshitting some essays about architecture that he didn't give a shit about. and so, instead of spending his whole class stewing like he normally did, he decided to waste no time adopting your approach, pulling his sweatshirt hood over his head and catching up on some missed sleep. when he woke up again, it was to your prodding finger.

“what time is it,” he said immediately, squinting at his surroundings. he suddenly remembered he was in class as he saw fellow students packing up their things and filing out. he looked at you, blinking at your grinning face.

“time for coffee,” you said, tugging on the drawstrings of the light blue hoodie he wore. “did you have any sweet dreams?”

jeonghan shoved his blank notebook into the tote bag he used for classes and stood. “of course not.”

“i did,” you said, throwing your bag over your shoulder and following him down the hall steps. “i dreamt you paid at the cafe.”

he turned, eyeing your shiteating grin from behind his hood. “yeah, keep dreaming.”

“worth a shot,” you said, trotting down beside him. “so, what’s your major, yoon jeonghan?”

he rolled his eyes, almost forgetting about your habit of calling him by his full name. “do you really care?”

“what else are we gonna talk about, my drinking problem?”

despite himself, jeonghan laughed, looking over at you as you left the lecture hall. “maybe! how bad is it?”

you grinned, feeling successful from making him break his serious persona. “wouldn’t you like to know.”

he clicked his tongue, pushing open the doors of the social studies building. “no fun.”

“you’ll have to invite me to a bar next time,” you said, following after him out the door into the sunshine that cascaded over the quad. it was a beautiful spring day, but a bit chilly, and you shoved your hands into your sweatshirt pocket.

“hmm,” jeonghan said, letting his blue hood fall off his head as he stretched in the sun. “i only really go to one bar.”

you watched him bask for a moment, wondering how many sides of him you had yet to see. his hair was dark, but the lighter chocolate tones reflected in the sun. “bet i can guess which one.”

jeonghan paused on the sidewalk, making you walk ahead of him a couple steps before you turned towards him questioningly. “okay, yeah. guess. you won’t get it.”

you size him up a moment, taking his words as a challenge. “if i guess right, you buy coffee?”

he exhaled, an amused smile on his face. “why are you so obsessed with me buying you coffee?”

“it tastes better free.”

“okay, fine. but if you’re wrong, you buy.”

you groaned. “do you know how many bars are in this city? that doesn’t seem fair.”

jeonghan resumed walking, gesturing for you to guess. “i’ll give you three tries.”

you chewed your cheek, trying to conceal your sly grin. “okay, three tries. deal?”

he nodded. you made it way too easy for him to win. “deal.”

“let me think.” jeonghan watched your feet fall easily into step beside him. “what bar has a stupid gimmick you would be into... pie bar?”

he shook his head, almost laughing at your teasing. “i’ve been there before, but it's not really my thing.”

you exhaled sharply. “shouldn’t that count for a stick of gum or something?” jeonghan laughed, insisting that this was an all or nothing situation. “then i give up.”

“you can’t give up!” jeonghan said. “you said deal. no going back.”

“fine," you pouted. "why can't i remember any bar names? uhh, r place?”

he stopped. “the gay club?”

you stopped, looking at him expectantly. “well?”

jeonghan laughed as he walked again. “no, not r place. jesus. you have one last chance. i’m really excited to order something expensive today.”

you chewed your cheek. “where would someone like yoon jeonghan go to drink… hanguk’s angel yoon jeonghan…”

he stopped in his tracks. “what did you just say?”

you tapped on your chin with a finger, arms crossed. “yoon jeong-honey voice… where would someone like him go? maybe… a karaoke bar?”

“hey, hey-” jeonghan pointed at you accusingly. “are you serious? you’ve seen me?”

“hmm,” you continued, laughing as you avoided his gaze. “oh, i know! the rockbox!”

“yah!” jeonghan was laughing, pointing at you in disbelief. “what the hell! this isn’t fair!”

“you said deal, no going back.” you grinned in victory. “wow, maybe i’ll order something expensive. i can’t believe i won.”

jeonghan’s tongue ran over his teeth as he watched you giggle and happily trot ahead of him. “fine, fine. you win. when did you see me there?”

“after winter finals,” you said, cheesing. “i was there with friends and you sang.”

he tutted. “damn. did i just miss you or did you not sing?”

“i don’t sing,” you said, smiling as he continued walking with you. “my friends do, though. and i was forced to be in soonyoung’s hype squad for hurricane.”

jeonghan clapped suddenly, remembering in his perhaps too drunk stupor that seungcheol had pointed you out, calling you “the cutie that keeps looking at him.” he had, admittedly, checked you out, despite the fact that he had been too embarrassed by his too-serious song to go and talk to you, and he had thought you looked familiar. “oh my god! yes! i did see you! how do you know soonyoung?”

“mutual friends,” you said. “chwe hansol?

he nodded. “we’ve met once, i think. were you there with junhui?”

“yeah, actually,” you said, remembering the opinion of jeonghan your friend had volunteered up for you. “how do you know him?”

“i haven’t talked to him a lot directly, but i know both his roommates pretty well,” jeonghan said. "we do music together.”

“ah, yes,” you nodded in recollection, but refusing to acknowledge how insanely pretentious it was of him to say something like we do music together. “jihoon’s unnamed but immensely prolific band.”

he rolled his eyes. “why is it jihoon’s band? why can’t it be jeonghan’s band?”

“don’t ask me,” you said, putting up hands in innocence. “i didn’t even know it existed until that night. mingyu wouldn’t shut up about it.”

the name sounded familiar to jeonghan, but he moved on as the two of you reached a stop light. “do you go there a lot? or was that a one time thing?”

you eyed him. “this is starting to sound like an invitation, hannie.”

he didn’t comment on the nickname, despite the weird way his arms tingled at it. “you should learn what an invitation actually sounds like. you tend to assume a lot.”

you laughed heartily, and jeonghan ignored the way his stomach flitted while you started to cross the street. “call it wishful thinking, but i think i get you, yoon jeonghan.”

“the hell is that supposed to mean?”

you never answered his question, but grinned instead, which gave jeonghan a sense of unease and a touch of curiosity. as he led you to cafe nomu, he caught himself smiling. laughing. enjoying your company and conversation.

maybe shua hadn’t been completely off base.

by the time jeonghan had realized that his feelings towards you might have evolved from vague malice into something more akin to genuine interest, he was pushing open the door to the cafe for you and mentally double checking that he had put on deodorant that morning, cursing his inability to control his own nerves. ah, he thought. that explained the weird feeling he got waiting for you in class, too. and why he got flustered the day before at his work. he only snapped out of his crowded mind when he heard you ordering an iced americano.

“and for you?”

jeonghan blinked at you, then at the barista that was addressing him. “make that two.”

“thank you for the coffee,” you said, pressing your hands together as he inserted his card.

he waved you off, chuckling, but kept his eyes as far from yours as he could. “a deal is a deal.”

you looked around the quiet cafe, quickly scoping out the seat options as jeonghan accepted the buzzer for your order. he thought it was a little silly, considering the two of you were half of the customers in the cafe currently, but said nothing as he turned it over in his fingers, standing next to you.

“there?” you asked, pointing at a table by a window.

jeonghan bit his cheek, thinking about how joshua would likely be walking down this street to go to his shift, if he had one. “yeah, wherever.”

you were already on your way to the seat when he responded, and he followed, dropping his bag off his shoulder to hang on the hook under the table.

“i thought you were going to get something expensive,” he teased, sitting across from you.

laughing lightly, you pulled your phone out of your hoodie pocket and set it on the table. “you said the espresso was good, i wanted to try it.”

“don’t you not like coffee?” jeonghan asked, squinting at you.

“i love coffee,” you said, quirking an eyebrow.

“then why don’t you drink the americanos i make?”

he was leaning forward, staring at you, fingers folding over each other on the table. you pouted, avoiding his eyes suddenly. “no reason.”

leaning back again, he kept a wary eye on you. “that’s convincing.”

“good, it’s the truth.”

jeonghan decided to put a pin in that interrogation in favor of asking you your major.

you laughed again, making a small smile appear on his face. "communications," you answered, despite thinking of how he denied the same question from you earlier.

he let out a low "wah" and cocked his head. "what's up with that? same major."

"really?" you leaned over the table. "what year are you?"

"third."

you put a peace sign next to your eye like you were posing for a photo. "second."

you couldn't help but giggle at the "pfft" that spilled out of jeonghan's lips as he laughed at you, muttering a "really" under his breath at your pose. he was running a hand through his extremely soft and fluffy looking hair when the buzzer went off, and you blinked yourself awake from your trance to nod after he said he would go get the drinks. 

admitting to it was the last thing you wanted, but you couldn’t help but hear mingyu’s voice rattling around your head, telling you that you would fall for jeonghan eventually. you had once thought he was completely up his own ass, but you kept getting glimpses of this really cute, really sweet version of him, and it made you want to get to know him better. additionally, it was getting harder to find people that would happily play along with your teasing, and he had no qualms teasing you right back.

when he returned with the americanos, you pressed your hands together in another thank you before taking a sip. he slid back into his seat and looked at you expectantly. "well? what do you think?"

you paused a moment, appraising the flavor. "delicious. thank you."

after he sipped at his own, he nodded. "the beans here are really good. balanced. i wish i could convince my boss to source better stuff."

you watched him sip again, letting out a praise under his breath. you sighed. "i have a confession."

his eyebrows quirked at you, and he did his best to not show the way his stomach flipped. "what kind?"

"i don't drink your americanos because they're shit."

there was silence as he processed your words, and you wondered if you had royally fucked up by saying something. suddenly, he was laughing, and you stared at him in shock as he calmed down. "oh my god, yeah, they are."

"wait, you know?"

"i-" jeonghan paused, rubbing his face, still laughing. "god, this is so stupid. i burn your shots."

your jaw dropped open, but a smile creeped across your face as you understood. "wait, on purpose?"

"you never smile!" he attempted to explain himself with a bit too much enthusiasm, finding his own pettiness ridiculous in hindsight. "not even when i smiled at you. i had a grudge. i'm sorry."

you were sipping your non-burnt americano with a sly look on your face. you wanted to be mad at the wasted money on countless gross americanos, but somehow, you couldn't be. "do you hold grudges against everyone or am i just lucky?"

"uh, depends," jeonghan said, crossing his arms and thinking. "when the prof that failed my roommate comes in, i burn his shots, too. i think he might like it that way, though, because he's always really nice to me."

you almost snorted. "well, you owe me a lot of coffee."

he nodded and sighed, resigning to his fate. "when you come in, your coffee's on me. and i won't burn it this time."

you pouted a second, and jeonghan barely caught it, but he thought the expression was far too cute. "i was hoping you would invite me out again."

"again?" he asked, letting a few 'ha's fall from his lips in quick succession. "you mean for the first time?"

you gestured to the cafe you sat in. "was this not your idea?"

he rolled his eyes. "you invited yourself out and held me hostage."

"does that mean you have stockholms?"

he laughed at the diagnosis, remembering the class you claimed you had both taken the year before. "you're a very charming captor."

you smiled at the compliment, despite the sinister implication.

the next time you saw jeonghan, it was saturday. you had rolled out of bed far earlier than you had intended to when you had fallen asleep at 4 am after a very drunk and extremely conflict heavy game of uno with the guys. you winced at the sunlight streaming through your shitty dorm blinds, fumbling your way to the water dispenser on your desk to rehydrate.

you stared at your roommate's empty bed, remembering they had said they worked early shifts this weekend as you brushed your teeth, and you wondered how they had dealt with you stumbling into the dorm in the wee hours of the day.

you almost gagged on your toothbrush. an empty room on a saturday morning with too little sleep and a nasty hangover, you thought. bad decisions could never be made under these circumstances.

"does jeonghan's cafe do breakfast sandwiches?" you thought aloud with a mouth full of toothpaste, leaning over the sink to spit. you kind of remembered seeing them on the menu, though you never thought to get anything beyond the occasional muffin. maybe today was the day.

after washing your face and cleaning up your hair a bit, you had to dig in your clothes to find your favorite pair of black sweats and a shirt to tuck in. you last minute decided to bring your good headphones, just in case hanguk's angel wasn't there to bug, and ran out the door with your wallet and phone, a pair of sunglasses shoved onto your face.

the walk to his cafe is short from the dorms you lived in, which was another reason you liked it there. it was warmer than it had been during the week, and you watched a big muscular dog running alongside its owner. before long, you were tugging open the door, seeing no line. you grinned at how lucky you were as you pulled your headphones down to your neck.

"yoon jeonghan! you are working!"

he seemed startled by your voice, his shoulders raising slightly as he turned towards the door. "oh, what the hell? what are you doing here at 9:30 on a saturday?"

you pouted, walking up to the counter and tugging off your sunglasses. "are you not happy to see me?"

his laugh was genuine and completely out of his control. "sure i am. nice eyebags."

that, you noted, was the first time jeonghan had ever greeted you with a smile, and it seemed appropriate that it was paired with an insult. "thanks, i'm violently hungover right now." you said, noticing your best friend's roommate standing further back behind the counter, pretty obviously pretending to not be listening to you.

"do you wanna redeem a free americano?" he asked, poking at the touchscreen register.

you hummed, crossing your arms and staring at the menu board. "not today, i wanna try a latte. something tasty, and something for breakfast. what do you think?"

jeonghan stared at you, and you stared back, a small smile on your face. he blinked. "have you ever tried lavender?"

"lavender?" you shook your head, genuinely surprised. "is that a good flavor?"

he nodded, looking down at the screen and adding items to your order. "we have this seasonal syrup that we make in house," he said. "it's my favorite one of the year. honey, lavender, and vanilla bean. big one?"

you blinked at the cup sizes, trying to remember how many bottles of soju you had bought the night before, and subsequently how much money was left in your account. "uh, yeah."

"will you be offended if i give you a vegetarian sandwich? it's the best one."

you cocked your head. "i mean, if it's the best one…"

jeonghan smiled slightly, pulling out his wallet from his back pocket. "it's the best one. and it's my secret hangover cure."

you noticed his card too late. "hey, what are you doing?"

he quirked an eyebrow at you. "buying your coffee. like i said i would."

"that was way more than an americano."

"and i've burned way more than an americano," jeonghan reminded you. "and if you don't accept that, i'm buying you breakfast as a peace offering."

your eyebrows raised. "a peace offering?" 

he avoided your gaze. "i've decided you're not a pretentious asshole."

you laughed at his word choice, and how it mirrored your own. "i mean, i can be kind of pretentious sometimes. and a major asshole a lot of the time."

jeonghan grinned. "me too."

he washed his hands and passed along the sandwich order to his coworker as he moved to the espresso machine, briefly explaining to you that he was completely useless with food as soon as a heat source becomes involved, but assured you that seokmin was a master with a turbochef, and that your sandwich was in the best hands.

you giggled, watching his hands as he found a squeeze bottle and shot the contents into a glass. "i trust you."

his eyes flicked to you briefly, and you leaned against the drink pickup counter, squinting at the syrup. he held the glass that would soon be your drink up for you. "see the specs? real vanilla."

you hummed. "it smells good."

"it tastes like sunshine, i swear to god."

your eyes followed his hands as he expertly filled and packed the portafilter with fresh grounds. he felt you watching him, and did his best to suppress the itch to fumble. you watched him not burn your shots, stirring them with the syrup and pouring milk from a jug. he added ice, put a metal straw in the tall glass, then placed it on the counter in front of you.

you made sure to smile when you told him thank you, and jeonghan was pretty sure he would have collapsed from how cute he found you if he had slightly less resolve. 

"veggie sando for… y/n?" seokmin announced to the cafe, eyes creasing into a laugh as he appeared with a plate.

you gave seokmin a nervous smile. "sorry for staying over so late. i didn't know you worked this morning."

jeonghan looked between you suspiciously as seokmin assured you it was fine, claiming he was knocked out by midnight and didn't even know when you left. who did seokmin live with again? jeonghan chewed on his cheek as he put your drink and sandwich on a tray.

your eyes flicked over to the front counter as a few customers entered the cafe, seokmin already heading over to greet them and begin the order. you tried not to let your disappointment show when you told jeonghan you should probably let him get back to work. he tried to not let his show, either, when he nodded in agreement. neither of you did a great job.

"someone's clocking on in half an hour, i can take a break then. don't leave?"

his almost pleading tone made your lip twitch upward. "don't act so clingy, hannie."

he grinned, then stopped you before you picked up the tray. "first- hang on," he said, pulling his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it, quickly going to the keypad as he looked over his shoulder at the customers. "give me your number."

your eyes met his briefly as you took the phone, quickly punching in your digits and tapping to add yourself to his contacts. he smiled at the profile name - "americano" - as you picked up your tray and headed to your favorite armchair. even as he was making other drinks and serving other customers, he couldn't take his eyes off you, sitting in your armchair with your headphones on. it had only been two days since he saw you last, but he hadn't thought of anything but you the entire time. he had almost considered asking shua to swap shifts with him so he could have a chance of seeing you the day before, but he knew his coworker would refuse to take the saturday opening shift. he spent his whole afternoon off sitting on the couch in his apartment, staring at the back of his roommate's chair, trying to figure out why he didn't ask for your number.

"hey," jihoon said, and jeonghan had only then noticed that his roommate had spun his tall cushioned chair around to look back at him. "i said, do you know when seungcheol invited people around tomorrow?"

jeonghan stared at him for a second, then sighed dramatically, rubbing his eye. 

"woah," the younger laughed and leaned back in his seat. "who'd you sleep with last night? i need to warn them you're crazy."

"no one," jeonghan pouted. "what the hell? i'm not crazy."

"hyung, i say this with the most respect i can," he said, leaning forward. "you're batshit, especially when you catch feelings for a one night stand."

"ugh, whatever," jeonghan pushed the pillow off his lap and ran a hand through his hair. "we didn't even do anything."

jihoon squinted at him a moment. "okay, hang on, i feel like our definitions of not doing anything are different."

he rolled his eyes. "we didn't do anything," he repeated, standing from the couch and walking over to the kitchen to get water. "like, nothing. we didn't even touch each other. not once."

jihoon looked around, trying to understand what he meant. "i'm confused. you didn't touch your one night stand?"

"it wasn't a one night stand!" jeonghan threw a dagger glare at the other before he drank his water, muttering a "really" beneath his breath.

jihoon's face didn't change. "so… you went on a date?"

jeonghan swallowed the water hard, putting the glass down on the counter and leaning against it. "kinda."

"you are really not making this easy for me at all."

"we got coffee," he said finally. "we have a class together, and we made a stupid bet over who would pay, and they fucking tricked me, so i had to pay for it and we talked for, like, a stupid long time, and i think i actually really…" he exhaled, both hands rubbing his face. "i think i really like them."

jihoon whistled. "i just wanna say before the moment passes that it is incredibly on brand for you to fall for someone because they conned you into buying them coffee."

jeonghan glared at the younger, but he couldn't argue. "we got coffee and talked and then they just…" his palms faced the sky as he gestured, shoulders raised. "they just left. i didn't even get their number."

"okay, and?" jihoon swivelled back and forth in his chair. "you have a class together. you'll literally see them next week."

he groaned, pressing his forehead against the fridge. "but i wanna see them now."

and now, he was seeing you. much sooner than he had expected, yet not soon enough. the saturday morning rush began to pick up, and even when an additional barista arrived, jeonghan wondered if he would actually be able to slip away for a break.

"go ahead," seokmin said, grabbing the steamed milk pitcher from his hand. "me and hyejoo can handle it for a minute."

jeonghan looked at the shrinking line and nodded, quickly pulling off his apron as he walked around the counter. he knew he didn't have a lot of time, and pulling up a chair seemed silly, so he instead just squatted and folded his arms over the arm of your favorite seat.

you looked up from your phone at the motion, pulling your headphones off and grinning. "hey! the drink is delicious and extremely not burnt."

he smiled, noticing it was almost gone. "i'm glad! it's still busy, so i can't really take a proper break, but i wanted to ask you something."

you squinted at him. "what kind of something?"

"do you have plans tonight?"

"depends," you said, turning your body to face him better as you sucked on your cheek. "what's going on?"

jeonghan exhaled, amused. "my roommate is having people over for a few drinks or something, it'd be cool if you came by?"

you looked at a light, gauging the state of your hangover. your voice almost cracked when you asked "tonight?"

"you don't have to drink," he said, remembering what you had told him earlier. "and you can, like, bring a friend if you want. i know it's weird that i'm inviting you to my place."

you thought a moment. "don't you live with lee jihoon?"

jeonghan blinked. "uh, yeah?"

"i'll bring a friend," you said, tapping your fingers on the back of your phone. you looked back to him and smiled. "text me details?"

jeonghan stood. "yeah, i'll text you," he said, glancing up at the door where more customers were walking in. "fuck, i should go."

you followed his gaze. "i think i'll stick to weekdays. this place gets crazy on the weekends."

"tell me about it." he started to walk back to the counter. "i'll talk to you later?"

you smiled and nodded at him, and you waved enthusiastically at him as you were headed out about ten minutes later.

"i'm still waiting for a text," you teased, peeking over the counter as he made a drink.

he laughed. "i'll get to it when i get to it."

"thanks for the sandwich, seokmin! it was delicious!"

seokmin waved at you with a big grin and you looked back at jeonghan.

"i'll see you tonight?"

he nodded, a smug smile teasing his lips. "yeah, i'll see you tonight."

you didn't show the way your stomach flipped when he made eye contact with you, but you slid your sunglasses back on and put your headphones back on your head, and walked to the rhythm of love songs in the sun on your way to your friend's apartment, a stupid childish giggle threatening to surface the entire time.

"hey, is mingoo around?"

minghao blinked at you, standing at his front door with a smile on your face. "dude, you left like four hours ago. what are you even doing here."

"uh, no, myungho, i left like seven hours ago, get it right." he let you walk past him into the apartment. "is he still asleep?"

"is that actually a question?"

you trotted into mingyu's room, humming along to the song playing through the headphones around your neck as you pulled open his blinds.

"god, what the fuck," his rough voice went behind you. "the hell is wrong with you. go home."

"that's not a very nice way to treat the person that's gonna set you up with your future ex-husband."

mingyu's hair stuck in several different directions and his eyes were still squeezed shut, but he had pushed himself off his pillow enough for you to know you caught his attention. "which one?"

you grinned. "the one with the pretty voice."

"wait," mingyu fumbled with his comforter as he tried to sit up. "wait, hang on. jihoon?" you laughed and nodded as he sniffed noisily. "he is not my future ex-husband, y/n. he's it. he's the one that's gonna make an honest woman out of me."

"well, lady, get ready to be honest, because i got an invite to a kickback at his apartment tonight and i snagged a plus one."

he squinted at you. "what's the catch?"

you rolled your eyes. "there isn't always a catch. maybe i'm just trying to be nice."

"yeah, uh huh." mingyu flopped back onto his bed, rubbing his eyes. "why didn't you just text me or something? it's so early."

"it's like, barely morning."

"it's ten."

you exhaled. "it's 11:17, asshole. are you going with me or not?"

mingyu groaned and flopped around, his head aching from the drinks that had stopped too recently. "when?"

"uhh," you stalled as you checked your phone. no new messages. "not sure yet. i'm waiting on a text."

he squinted at you. "who's texting you? soonyoung?"

you shrugged. "sure."

"oh my god, it's jeonghan, isn't it?"

"whaaaaaat?" you deadpanned, walking over to mingyu's bed to sit on the edge, staring at your phone. "why would i be waiting on a text from that loser?"

"i knew you were acting stupid yesterday for a reason," he accused. "and you asked jun what his deal was. you like him, don't you? what did he do? did he corner you?"

"absolutely not," you said, sighing and throwing your phone down on his bed, slightly offended by him saying you were acting stupid but truly not being able to remember if he was wrong. "i cornered him, at his workplace, no less. then i made him buy me coffee. then i showed up to his workplace, again, incredibly hungover, and he still asked for my number."

mingyu's lips formed a pout as he hummed, rubbing his eye again. "never would have pegged jeonghan as the simping type, but sure."

"shut up," you laughed, and mingyu whined about whether or not you had washed your hands when you plopped your palm against his face. he pushed your wrists away. "do you still have that bottle of white wine?"

"you mean the one hao refuses to drink even though i spent good money on it for his fucking birthday? yeah, why?"

you grabbed your phone again, despite it not vibrating. "it'd probably make a good first impression if you bring a nice bottle to the kickback you were last minute invited to. i bet jihoon will be so impressed by your manners."

mingyu blinked heavily. "you're devious. what about you?"

"i don't need a good first impression," you said. "i already made an awful one and he still likes me."

he sighed. "you always have been a charming dickhead."

you grinned at your best friend. "thanks, babe."

mingyu groaned against his palms. "god, fuck, i was supposed to study for my exam today."

you clicked your tongue. "that sucks dick."

"you suck dick."

you pouted out your lips when you got a text from an unknown number. "i'm trying."

you hadn't fully decided yet how you were going to make sure jeonghan really liked you, especially after jun regaled his "disgusting sexcapades," as he described them. you took his words with a grain of salt, considering the guy had an extremely low opinion of him from the get go, but either way, could you really blame jeonghan for putting his incredibly good looks and charm to use?

you, however, found flings incredibly uninteresting. most of the men that went after you were dull at best, and definitely would have fallen for any stupid prank you had played on them. with jeonghan, though, there was a challenge. there was always the chance he would out-trick you. it was new and exciting. playing with people, you decided, was only fun when there were some stakes involved.

inviting you to have drinks at his place seemed like such a transparent ploy to get laid, but you couldn't help but expect more from him. something told you he knew that you wouldn't be that easy, and you wondered what his game was.

i think i'm here >

which apartment was it? >

you definitely could have scrolled up in your conversation with jeonghan to check, especially since mingyu was complaining next to you on the street outside the apartment building, but you preferred the power move of asking again. you hadn't considered, though, that jeonghan was absolutely the type to know exactly what you were trying as soon as he saw the notification and make you wait. you squinted at the window that clearly had a party going on inside of it, willing the boy to respond.

"bro, it's apartment 2-b. soonyoung says he's 'the b in 2-b' like, every chance he gets. let's just go up."

"hang on, i'm plotting," you said, putting up a finger and scrolling through your contacts.

mingyu groaned as you put the phone to your ear, pressing the cold wine bottle against his eye. "you are the most annoying person i've ever met."

"yet you ask me to hang out constantly."

mingyu glared at you with his uncovered eye. "i also watch a lot of shit television, so don't take my taste as gospel."

inside, soonyoung patted down his pockets when he heard his ringtone, then looked at the kitchen counter where he had left it when he was making drinks. he grinned wide when he saw the contact info and practically yelled when he answered the phone. "y/n! please tell me you're finally coming over?"

jeonghan heard your name, his head whipping towards the sound. he stared at soonyoung, phone to his ear as he laughed into it, and he exhaled when he realized what you had done. he looked down at the ignored notification on his phone, his thought process being that you would call as it became more urgent.

and you had, just not him. he cursed under his breath. you were always one step ahead.

"yeah, second floor! come on up, i'll meet you at the stairs!"

jeonghan watched soonyoung shove his feet into a pair of slides and exit the apartment, then quickly downed the rest of his drink. he was gonna need an excuse to ask if you wanted one.

you followed soonyoung down the hall as he excitedly chattered about how he didn't know you were coming.

mingyu laughed. "yeah, we didn't either. y/n got an invite from jeonghan this morning."

"jeonghan?" soonyoung looked at you. "i didn't know you knew each other."

"i enjoy being a mystery," you said, checking quickly to see if your message had been seen yet.

soonyoung couldn't help but laugh at the idea of you and his roommate, especially with a few drinks in him. "you definitely suit each other."

jeonghan hadn't lied when he said people were coming over for drinks, but he had definitely made it seem much smaller than it was. the living area had enough people that you didn't want to bother counting, but probably somewhere in the twenties. there was music playing, but the conversational chatter was still audible over the beat, and people were laughing with each other on just about every surface you could see. you noticed jihoon by the kitchen counter as you were taking off your shoes, and grabbed mingyu's arm to face him towards you.

"jesus, fuck," he stumbled over his own shoes. "why do i hang out with you?"

"he's in the kitchen and he's alone," you said, your fingers digging into his bicep. "now's your chance. ask him where you should put the wine."

mingyu peeked over his shoulder, then looked back at you with wide eyes. "are you serious? right now?"

"right now," you reassured. "you got this, big guy. you're hot, smart, and tall. say you like his music and blow his mind."

he exhaled, his lips forming an o, and shook his hand nervously. "okay. okay. thank you. i love you. i'm sorry i ever called you annoying."

you laughed, smacking his arm. "love you too, goo."

he shut his eyes and spun, walking towards the boy of his affections. you watched him for a moment, though slyly, as you wandered into the party. you wondered where soonyoung had gone so quickly, then clenched your fist in victory when you saw jihoon get wine glasses out of a cupboard and laughed at something mingyu said.

"oh, y/n!" you spun to the familiar voice, spotting jeonghan leaning against a wall casually, half engaged in a conversation. he pushed off it as you closed the short space between you. "you made it! why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"i did," you said, cocking your head at him. "but you probably knew that."

a sideways smile creeped onto his face. "hey, are you drinking tonight? i don't wanna tempt your self proclaimed alcoholism, but i've been sitting on an empty drink for a while, i could make you one too."

you eyed the red cup in his hand. "what's on the menu?"

"paloma," he said, lifting the cup. "but i can make you something else."

you thought for a second, then looked at him. you hadn't had tequila since the night you saw him sing. "i trust your taste."

he tilted his head as he moved, gesturing for you to follow him to the kitchen. you nudged mingyu with your hip as you settled against the counter next to him to watch jeonghan make a drink for you. he looked down at you, then put an arm on your shoulder as he sipped the wine he had brought, and you noticed jihoon had a matching glass. you smiled proudly.

"mingyu?" jeonghan asked, gesturing.

you nodded, then looked up at your best friend. "this is jeonghan," you said, pointing.

mingyu smiled at him. "good luck with this one. jihoon, this is my worst friend, y/n."

"i'm also the reason he's here," you said, leaning forward to direct the speech at boy you were being introduced to. "you're welcome."

jihoon looked at you, mouth parted into an almost smile. his eyes went to jeonghan, remembering their conversation the day before, then to mingyu again, who was covering his eyes with a palm in embarrassment. "this is why they're my worst friend."

jeonghan laughed, pulling your attention back as he popped open a soda with a bottle opener. "so you're like this with everyone?"

"i’m sure i don't know what you mean," you quipped, sliding out from mingyu's arm to grab the bottle and inspect the label. "jah…ritos?"

"jarritos," jeonghan corrected, pronouncing the h sound. "mexican grapefruit soda. it's the best for palomas."

"see, this is why people think you're a prick," you said, putting the bottle back on the counter. "you get fancy soda specifically for your fancy cocktails."

he just laughed at you as he poured tequila from a bottle into two cups of ice. "if i cared what people thought, i would have changed my ways years ago."

you let that marinate for a moment, then decided the two of you were much more similar than you had originally thought. he grabbed the bowl of cut lime wedges that seungcheol had prepared and squeezed two into each cup, and you watched as he topped the drinks with the soda.

"can you handle heat?"

you looked at him. "that's a loaded question."

he laughed again, and you wondered how many palomas he had before you arrived. "i like chili on the lime, but i wanted to be nice and ask before i did it for you, too."

"i'll try anything once."

then you tried it again.

and again.

jeonghan really was charming, you thought. and pretty. and he had a lovely voice.

at some point, soonyoung found you again, just to waggle his eyebrows at jeonghan when he thought you weren't looking, and you got introduced to seungcheol, who you both recognized and were recognized by. jeonghan rolled his eyes and shoved him away when he gave him a look, remembering how he described you at the bar ages ago.

you barely even noticed the time passing, but your drinks kept draining and you kept accepting more, and you wondered if you were really stupid enough to say yes if he asked you to join him in his bedroom tonight. but the more jeonghan talked, the more you were kind of okay with the idea.

"do you wanna get out of here?"

you blinked, chin in your palm and elbow on the counter, face inches from jeonghan's as he put down his cup. "and go where?"

he pouted as he thought. "i could really go for tteokbokki right now."

at that moment, you decided jeonghan really liked you. you grinned. "that sounds so good."

he smiled back at you, and you didn't comment on the way his eyes lingered on your lips, even if you really wanted to. "better tell your chaperone."

you rolled your eyes at the title mingyu had given himself earlier when he was trying to convince you to not take a fourth drink. "don't let his stupid height trick you, he's more of a lightweight than me."

"at least you don't have to worry about him, jihoon would never try anything. the poor guy is so shy, he was probably flustered just when mingyu said hi."

you quirked an eyebrow at him. "does he have to worry about me?"

jeonghan laughed. "if i wanted to get you drunk, i would have poured heavier."

"speaking of," you said, tipping your cup. "this one suspiciously tasted like not tequila."

he stood suddenly, palms on the counter, trying to force down the blush on his ears. "if you're gonna complain about every drink i make you, maybe you should stop asking for them."

you giggled, standing and imitating his stance. "just admit you care about me, yoon jeonghan."

he looked at you, a smile teasing his lips. "only after you admit you're in love with me."

you squinted. "a draw."

he grinned. "tteokbokki?"

[every1studio]

REACTS TO: “late night conversations + crushes” [ateez]

genre: fluff + comedy + misc.

ficstyle: reactions + bullepoints + oneshots 

request: “ ateez reaction/scenario midnight chat (These talks at 2/3am on bed when you just can’t sleep) “

note: (DOCTOR ANON) blessed me with not one BUT TWO requests + please forgive me I switched up your request a little bit since I don’t do chat edits; hope you still enjoy this though~

You were tired but you couldn’t fall asleep. Tossing and turning did nothing for you and at this point, you were ready to knock yourself out to physically get you to sleep. DING. You got a notification; when you picked up your phone.. you smiled..

HONGJOONG

-Are the goggles on Minions part of them or are they an accessory? Do you know if they can see without them on?

you literally could not even handle this boy right now

he was your best friend

and he had IMPECCABLE timing

he always messages you random things throughout the day but especially when you can’t sleep at night

but how could he not? he was also your neighbor and his room was right across from you

your windows blinds are always open

he usually stays up to write songs so he can see when you are tossing and turning 

Hongjoong can see you smile at the light of your cellphone screen as you both constantly text each other back and forth

sometimes, it will cause you to get up from your bed and open your balcony window to talk to him face to face

he was smitten by you

you were his muse and if these little things are what makes you smile; he’ll continue to do so until he’s confident enough to confess to you 

SEONGHWA

-I hope you know, I finished the homework for tomorrow and I’m gonna be nice and let you copy it. Let’s meet up before class?

he is your classmate in your pre-calculus class

he’s definitely the most good-looking guy in your school 

and you were blessed to have an eye candy like him to be your seatmate 

you wouldn’t talk to him in class because you know how serious he takes his education 

you got close to him when he was assigned to be your partner to check over your worksheet

since then, you both only text each other about classwork

but honestly, you two both liked each other but never knew what to converse about but math and school in general

hopefully, he can come up with some conversation starters before class tomorrow

maybe then, you guys can text outside of the subjects of school

YUNHO

-I can see your boogers :P

your smile immediately dropped when you saw this

you look over to Yunho

Yunho was sleeping over on your couch

why?

he’s a family friend; your mom loved him

and she wasn’t going to give him the uncomfortable sofa in the living room

initially she wanted him to take your bed, but he said he would suffice with the convertible sofa/bed in your room 

you’ve known him all your life and honestly, being with him makes you know what it feels like to be in a 10 year long marriage 

you see him twitch in his “sleep,” you throw a pillow at him

he smiles as he tosses it back to you, “can’t sleep?”

how can someone know you so well?

yet not know your feelings for them...

is what both of you thought when you got comfy for some late night talks

YEOSANG

-I just want you to know that, I appreciate you so much. I know you’re probably unable to sleep rn but I just wanna let you know that you’re a beautiful human being...but you’ll never be as pretty as me~

you sent Yeosang a middle finger emoji followed by a heart emoji through a smile

you guys were inseparable; being the best of friends since high school

even after you separated ways with your other “friends,” Yeosang stayed by your side all these years

although he is known for being quiet, he’s pretty sassy with you

Yeosang had a hard time being his true self; but never with you 

he’s one text away from confessing to you 

better late than never right?

SAN

-The forecast says that it’s gonna super sunny tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know.

that was a big lie; you just checked the forecast for tomorrow before bed and it was going to rain

San had plan for you to come to school without an umbrella or a raincoat so that he can share an umbrella with you

he’s been trying to shoot his shot at you for the longest time but you were way to oblivious to tell 

San is always sending pick up lines but you couldn’t make sense of any of them

sends you random trivia instead when the pick up lines don’t work 

he really has to be more straightforward

he can’t help that he gets so shy and speechless when he’s with you 

MINGI

-If you’re interested, your bro and I are gonna have a game tomorrow.. come thru if you want

he is your brother’s best friend and they are both on the basketball team 

lowkey uses your brother as a conversation starter

-your bro wants to know if you want to wait for us to finish practice so we can walk you home

-your bro and I are getting ice-cream, wanna go with?

although you feel like you’re third-wheeling with him and your brother

your brother feels like it’s the opposite just because he knows how much Mingi likes you

Mingi has to do better than to text you about your brother if he wants to get to know you more

WOOYOUNG

-I saw on SC that you wanted to go to the bay. Wanna go tomorrow?

Wooyoung quick added you on snapchat; knowing that you both had mutual friends... and that he thought you were cute

you thought he just added you because he was just a friendly guy that all your friends talked about

small talk became deep conversations

always responds to your stories and lowkey blames on his “butterfingers” for screenshotting sometimes

but he has a hard time talking to you in person, not because it seemed like he pretended not to know you in public but because has no confidence in talking to you face to face

there’s something comforting about talking to you through a screen

but he wants to be able to talk to you more

maybe with that text, he can finally tell you why he wants you to be more than a 437 day streak and a best friend on snapchat 

JONGHO

-Did you listen to BTS’s new album? it’s fire~ but knowing that you aren’t sleeping rn, don’t listen to it, you’ll get too hype and then you’ll stay up until the sunrises (:

Jongho was your gym partner since you both took weight-training your senior year of high school; his freshman year

you guys talk about music and fitness; what songs should be placed in your workout playlist or what workouts are the best for the booty

it all started when Jongho sees you struggling with your form on the squat bars

without actually registering it was you, he placed his hands on your waist and tells you what you need to fix; when he realizes that it’s you, he clears his throat and leaves you be

you got his number from a freshman friend and asked if he could help you fix your form

you’ve always been an upperclassman he admires, but can it move on from just admiration to a crush?

~end

[echobearclasspectingblog]

Hey if you're still doing session analysis stuff, can you do one for a Witch of Heart, Prince of Space, Rogue of Life, and Heir of Time? (Extra details if necessary: Prince and Witch are siblings with Rogue as their mutual friend. The Heir and Prince have a tense situation of wanting to work together but having disagreements all the time) Love your blog btw!

I haven’t been doing it long enough to give it up quite yet, and this blog is also one of my more successful things so I’ll keep going at it as long as I’m not pulled away from it. Besides all that it’s fun so, you know. The details aren’t really necessary as I’ll do analysis with pure classpects but honestly I’m happy to try and take it into account to give me a slightly better perspective on the session than just the list of player’s titles. Now I’m not sure if you mean they’re ecto-biologic siblings but I’m going to assume you mean grew up as siblings together before the session. I notice that this session has my own classpect in it, I’ll try my best to keep that aspect of this session analysis neutral. (And thanks, I’m glad people are enjoying this blog :3 )

Witch of Heart - One who makes changes to Heart or changes things through Heart

Prince of Space - One who destroys Space or destroys using Space

Rogue of Life - One who takes Life or takes using Life for others

Heir of Time - One who causes Time to change or causes things to change through Time

You have a space player, required to breed the genesis frog. You have a time player, required to scratch the session. You also have a heart and a life player, which seems like an interesting and potentially synergy filled duo of aspects. The four classes seem like a good mix as well, at first glance they seem balanced and probably won’t have any of them go too far off the rails.

As usual, now that I’ve covered the basics let’s get into strengths and weaknesses of each player by themselves, then the combinations of each player.

A witch of heart changes the self, feelings, and souls. This player will be the one best capable of making people have “a change of heart”, as their hero title is basically synonomous with that phrase. Any enemy you want or need to change sides, the witch is your best bet. They’ll also be able to change the very basic fundamentals of what a soul is, so have fun with that. The witch will be the type to change who they are as a person on a regular basis and encourage others to do the same, which is basically a gamble for how good or bad it is for your session quests. Because they grew up with the prince of space they’ll be more likely to not be as creative when they switch to a new ‘self’, and will more likely imitate others to create new identities. They’re also more likely to ‘roleplay’ as other classpects than most people, and the prince being a big influence would lead the witch to being more logical minded and not too 'out of the box’, something they should break away from to deal with paradox space shenanigans.

A prince of space destroys creativity, planets, and beginnings. A destruction class with a space player is always a touchy situation considering the space player’s quest is also the main quest of any regular session. The prince will need a LOT of guidance to not either end up destroying their genesis frog or turning it into some kind of weapon (though an alchemized genesis frog strife specibus would look pretty damn sweet. Note to self, maybe play with that idea on my main HS blog…). If the prince is under control in their main quest line, they’ll be a strong force as they’ll be able to defeat armies with the power of ALL OF SPACE and be able to crush planets on the slightest whim. And again…. guide the prince right because we don’t need a planet destroying maniac. Growing up with the witch of heart will make the prince more prone to changes to personalty over time, best case scenario this’ll be a lot of personal growth, worse case scenario they’ll be confused on who they really are and no one else will have a handle on this destructive person either. If they end up roleplaying as their sibling’s classpect, expect them to use their destruction in a way that directly influences people and changes the core of their being. This can be a good weapon for your team but can lead to some traumatized consorts and carapacians.

A rogue of life steals healing, hobbies, and being alive. They’ll be able to revive others more often than typical life players, but additional revives will be trade offs that require some sort of sacrifice of life for the one being brought back. On a more abstract level they can swap out people’s places in life, say getting some arch agents fired and having dersite rebels wishing for democracy take their place. One of their biggest flaws is they’re the type to give healing away to everyone else to the point they don’t get enough/any so it’d be a good idea to make sure they’re getting their needs met too or you might end up with a dead rogue.

An heir of time causes change to events, pacing, and endings. Just by being around at all this heir will make the alpha timeline of your session very flexible. They’ll skip around the timeline causing butterfly effects everywhere. Time travel is already confusing enough as it is without someone changing things all the time so the heir will leave people wondering which version of history is currently applicable.

Entering the medium will probably cause a change in the witch of heart and prince of space’s dynamic, as the prince’s classpect means they don’t believe in personal space and the witch would be used to being around them all the time and having little to no privacy. The witch will probably explore the medium and get more time away from the prince than they’re used to. Even if the relationship between the siblings is healthy and stable this time apart will probably be a good thing for the witch. Whenever they do eventually cross paths again the prince will be a good combat backup to their sibling since the witch’s role leans more on diplomacy, the two bringing something to the combination that they lack individually. The rogue of life will help the witch out even further with their journey of self discovery, being friends already they’d have probably taken ideas of lifestyles for the witch to apply to themselves over the years but in the session this’ll probably go even further than before. Taking people from around the medium out of their current situation and putting the witch in their place to give them a new perspective and a chance to grow further. Finally the heir would help the witch change people over the course of time, or even back in time too.

Whenever the witch of heart isn’t off on their own quest, they could help their sibling by converting any would-be assassins into more helpers for the frog breeding cause. Your session’s rogue of life would be a great substitute for the missing knight class. Not only are rogues naturally predisposed to helping others out, but considering the prince will kill most of their frogs having the rogue steal the living frogs away or putting life back into murdered frogs is a great synergy to help fix the prince’s destruction of their own quest. The heir of time will try to fill the knight role as well given the extra info you’ve told me, and the disagreements you mention could stem from the heir telling the prince that if you give things /time/ that the situation will change but the prince believes in a more active and immediate approach. Their success as a pair will entirely depend at how well they learn to meet in the middle over the course of the session. Best case scenario is the prince learns to be more patient and choose the right moment to strike and to save their efforts for the right targets, while the heir would learn to be a little more active in changing destiny as acting faster to help with frog breeding will be necessary to keep the prince from just wiping out everything needed for the ecto-biology. If they don’t learn from each other and keep disagreeing constantly, it won’t be the end of the session but the rogue will have to pick up the heir’s slack when the prince ignores the heir’s advice and just goes frog killing again. Since the rogue is the prince’s friend they’ll probably know they’ll need to help out.

Having the witch of heart change the rogue would give them a better chance to have the personal growth to realize that they should allow themselves to keep more of their own aspect and not just give everything away. Having a little more self care, and enough life energy to heal themselves during battle will make for a much stronger rogue friend. The prince of space will keep the rogue from distancing themselves from others, forcing them to have more of a social life. Since the rogue already probably has a little experience with this being friends with the siblings, this won’t be so big of a shock to them and it’ll probably be more positive and just reinforce the prince/rogue/heir frog hunting trio. The rogue would learn how to use the heir to steal years of life off of the enemy to extend the player’s lifespans. If anyone’s going to be confused by the heir’s timeline changing antics the rogue will probably be the one hardest hit.

The witch’s influence on the heir would make them more likely to adapt better to helping out the prince. The prince of space would leave less space for the heir to manipulate time over, and less creative options to do it to. Basically meaning more likely than not there will need to be more time loops made than necessary for basic time travel tasks. Rogue of life could either be pretty helpful by reviving failed time loop versions of the heir giving more looping possibility… or use the fact there’s so many heirs hopping through time to just use one or two spare ones to revive someone else. Best to prepare yourself to see a lot of dead heir of times.

This session looks pretty good, and none of the player match ups look disastrous. One of my biggest overall concerns is how much will the prince of space’s destruction of creativity effect the other players? Creative solutions are kind of essential to winning sburb so this might be your biggest hurdle, maybe coming close to the prince’s nature of destroying the very thing they need to create. The witch has some of the best support for their own personal quest I’ve seen.

I’d put the chance of actually getting a genesis frog made at like, 65%-ish and having it not end up as some sort of bomb or sword and not useful at all for inhabiting life is about half of that. Considering you’ve got a destruction class space player these are pretty good odds (and specific even though I have no data/science to back up the number). I feel like the possibility of getting a successful session is higher than the genesis frog, due to the group seeming good for overall survival and capable of crossing over with another session for a double completion rather than singular. But hey 2/3rds ain’t bad for a session like this even if they do end up on their own, the rogue and heir are fantastic players to keep the prince from going too far and undoing any doomed timeline mistakes that might be made.

[xempasuchil-love-blog]

Lost on you chapter 2

Shadows in the night.

The night was clear, and the school cafeteria was full of laughter, Uma's stomach full and her eyes heavy with sleep. She never imagined that she could go to bed with a sense of calm and satisfaction in her chest. Not that there was any bed she would go to overnight on the Island. Mattresses came infrequently from Auradon, and although they were in poor condition, the fights over them were often brutal. There were four in Gaston's house, and she knew Mal slept in one, but for her there had always been a pile of cloth scattered on the floor and a pillow that Harry had gotten for her when they were twelve, or her hammock in Lost Revenge. Dinner was over and the most anticipated moment of that day was approaching, when she would see Harry so he could show her whatever he wanted to show her, and then they would go to sleep, ignoring Auradon with his absurd rules of not having boys and girls in the same bedroom. She had already gave the key of her room to Gil; luckily, Desiree didn't care that he stayed there. Uma allowed herself to enjoy the gentle evening breeze on her face, the weather was mild, and she longed to feel some freedom against her skin. At times, she missed the heavy winds that shook her braids as she held on to the ropes of Lost Revange, though she didn't miss the stench in the air. A familiar and agile figure approached from across the field at a careless jog. Harry reached her in a heartbeat, hugging her. Her muscles tensed for a second automatically, but then she relaxed and threw her arms around his neck, inhaling deeply the scent of his, so familiar to her. The smell of the Lost Revange hadn't left him: wood, a hint of rum. She wondered if her own scent had changed. "How was practice?" Uma asked her first mate, who had agreed to try the tourney to fit in with the school. “Well, I think so. Although not as intense as the ones we used to have on the Island. Bestie Ben says we could go practice swords whenever we want, you know? You, me, the crew.” Harry replied, unusually pleased. His hair was damp from the shower he had just taken, and Uma resisted the urge to run her fingers through his strands. She frowned. That had never bothered her before, she wasn't sure why it did it now. Harry melted at her touch, although she didn't want to think about it too much. They had already made quite a few exceptions on the Island by allowing mutual physical contact like hugging, Uma's touch on Harry's hair… in Auradon all of that was allowed. It was just that the gestures she and Harry had were too intimate, too intense. She had seen how the students looked at them strangely every time he offered her his hand to help her down from somewhere, or when she hooked her little finger on his hook (before he was forbidden to use it), when they looked into each other's eyes for a long time. That made her feel strange, as if it were the same as on the Island and they were looking for any weakness.

"It would be good," she commented. “I don't want my boys to rust. Who knows, if Ben fucks up, we might still give him a pretty good scare.” Harry laughed. Uma's words were empty, but she still laughed to see the scared expression of some Auradon guys when they saw the pirate crew that had kidnapped the king. "Anyway, there is something I want to show you." Harry pointed to the sky. There were stars, not a gigantic cloud of smoke and pollution. Uma looked in the direction of Harry's finger, to find a star that stood out above all the others in the sky. "It's there, Uma. That's where I come from.” Neverland. When they were children, Harry had been obsessed with finding the star, always disappointed when the only thing he could see of the sky from anywhere on the Island was gray. His sisters used to tease him out of obsession, so he stopped doing it. Uma knew that as a child, when Captain Hook still considered him worthy of being his heir, Harry had heard hundreds of magnificent stories about Neverland. He knew that his mother's family was still there, somewhere. "It's so bright," Uma said, smiling. She thought that Harry seemed to have carried the image of the star etched in his eyes, in that bright look of madness that was only his. The idea made her shudder with pleasure. They were silent for a moment, admiring the star, until Uma felt Harry look at her, then her attention focused on him. "Do you miss it, Harry?" Asked Uma. “The Island, the ship...” Harry vigorously denied. "Everything I could miss about the Island is here, Uma. You, the crew…. Also, Ben promised that he would bring Lost Revenge to the dock, remember? And I won't let it be an empty promise. Our captain must have a ship. Or else…” "You won't hook anyone, Harry." Harry blatantly feigned surprise. "I hadn't even thought about it." “Yeah right. I know you better than you do, Hook.” Harry seemed satisfied with that. He and Uma started walking to the bedrooms and as they did so, Uma wondered if she should tell Harry about her nightmares. She hadn't wanted to do it in the cafeteria, because sure Auradon already thought she was crazy enough. Not everyone was really convinced that she and her boys had been helpful in saving Audrey. Uma felt suspicious looks on the back of her neck, but she tried to forget about it so as not to generate more conflicts. Not when the barrier had fallen relatively recently. Definitely, not when her crew was so happy studying. So maybe she shouldn't worry Harry.

Ursula's cave was dark. Uma couldn't see anything, she could only hear the continuous splashing of the water droplets that fell from the ceiling to the ground, forming puddles. Deprived of sight and voice, Uma felt as if she was just waiting for the moment when it was all over. She heard something heavy crawl a few feet away and saw, through the blackness, her mother's necklace gleaming from her. She wondered if she had come to free her already, bored that Uma wouldn't give her the pleasure of flinching or trying to run away.. "Drink this, you ungrateful brat." Uma's heart began to pound. Ursula had been trying to make potions for the past two months or so, maddened at the idea of getting her magic back. She had also been forcing Uma to drink some of them, so that she could finally convert to her marine form, because Ursula was deeply ashamed that Uma had two human legs. After all, two stupid human legs had been the reason she had ended up in this hole, she thought. When he made her drink the potions, strange things happened to Uma. She lost the strength in her legs, so that she could not walk without excruciating pain coursing through her body for days. She was finding it difficult to breathe, something Harry had brilliantly solved by suggesting that she swim and let the seawater enter her lungs. Harry. Would he have realized that she was nowhere to be found? Would he be looking for her? "Don't resist, mollusk. That stupid son of a pirate won't come for you this time.” Úrsula laughed, a hideous sound that echoed through the cave and made Uma wince. "Come on, drink, drink! Do what I tell you, girl!” Uma felt the cold of the bottle against her lips and the grimy liquid slide down her throat, causing her to gag immediately. She needed to know what her mother had done with Harry, her crew, Gil, would they be okay? Darkness enveloped her again, only the weak light from Ursula's necklace flickering, and the echo of her laughter among the rocks of the cave. "Uma! You will never be enough, Uma, you can't even have a marine form! You are a disappointment!” “Uma!” “Uma!”

"Uma! Wake up!” It was dark, but it wasn't the crushing darkness of her mother's cave. For a second, Uma wondered what was happening. She looked around frantically, searching for her golden necklace until she saw it on her neck. She had stolen it from her, she had stolen it from her, and she didn't have to fear. Two hands held her face. Harry. She rose from the bed on shaky legs, wondering if the potion had somehow been real. Harry held her down as her legs gave out. How weak, how vulnerable. If crying hadn't been a weakness, she would have done it then. “What's going on?” He asked her, easily carrying her to the bed. Uma took several deep breaths, too fast, too shaken, until Harry took her by the shoulders and forced her to look him directly in the eyes. Uma felt her heart slowly calm down, she reminded herself that she was in Auradon, that old memories were just that, old memories. "Uma, tell me what's wrong." She sighed. "I've been having nightmares," she confessed, trying to ignore how weak her words sounded. "About my mother." Harry seemed to understand immediately. His eyes began to acquire the reddish hue that he had inherited from his father, without changing completely. He was also trying to control himself. "She can't reach you here, Uma," he reassured her. "You are far, very far. You are here with me.” "I know," she dropped into his arms, grateful. The constant pounding of Harry's heart reassured her completely. They were silent for a moment, sitting on the bed and leaning against the wall, not sleeping. The cool night breeze coming through the window, the moonlight like a precious silver ray. And far off in the sky, the star that Harry had shown her was shining. "Harry”. He made a sound to let her know he was listening. “Do you love me?” She asked the question directly, letting her words slip from her mouth before she could stop them, her voice infused with the force with which she commanded the crew. In some part, she was demanding an equally direct answer from him, afraid that Harry would run away from the answer, but he answered immediately, without a bit of hesitation, without thinking, as if the answer was so obvious. “Yes, I love you. I always have and always will.” Uma closed her eyes for a second, enjoying the feeling of knowing. The Island accepted loyalty as the ultimate show of love, even without being entirely well seen, something in which the two of them had excelled since they were children. But love… Uma knew that Harry would do anything she asked him, everything, and she knew that she would protect him at any cost. Love was a great word, new and at the same time so simple and natural. How had she not seen it before? Had they been so blinded, so obsessed with their parents' prejudice? Maybe they had loved each other from the first moment they saw each other, from the first time they stole some food together and shared it. "Uma? Why do you ask that? If it's because of the attempted kiss the other day…” He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I'm sorry I bothered you. You don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine as long as you allow me to still being your first mate.” He thought she didn't love him. He thought that Uma had rejected him and that she was still rejecting him right now. As if she could resist one more moment. As if she could keep pretending. Uma moved to straddle him, making him jump in surprise, blue eyes shining between adoration and disbelief. Suddenly, it occurred to her that her body belonged there, in Harry's arms, because she felt the same freedom she felt when she was at sea. "Uma?" She shook her head, cupping his face carefully, tangling her fingers in Harry's hair. As Uma expected, he melted at her touch, so she caught him off guard when she pressed her lips to his. It was as if an electric eel had touched her, her entire body seemed to respond to the timid touch and the next thing she knew was that she was kissing him fiercely, and that Harry was holding her by the waist as if she were better than any pirate treasure hidden in the sea. As if she were a goddess. He made her feel powerful and loved, and it hurt her heart to imagine how long she had been missing this. Harry kissed the corner of her lips, her cheek, the spot below her ear and a path that went to the middle of her neck, where Uma let out a sigh of pleasure that made him smile. Trying to regulate her breathing, she settled into Harry's chest, holding onto him tightly. She felt his happy laugh shake her body. "Does that mean you love me too, Uma?" She took a playful bite on his neck and Harry groaned in satisfaction. "It means you're mine, Hook. And... that I love you too.” Harry seemed so vulnerable in that moment, as if he believed that she was going to disappear as suddenly as a dream. So Uma kissed him again, her body demanding more closeness, more of Harry. Because she would never have enough of him, she thought with delight. Uma would never get tire of the taste of Harry's lips, the touch of his skin, she would never get tire of him being her first mate. For a moment, she forgot about the nightmares, she forgot about her mother, she forgot that she was in Auradon, because it seemed that everything Uma had always wanted was right there.

I also leave here the link to the story in AO3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30691319/chapters/75732848

[nythroughthelens]

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long..." I grew up believing everyone around me could die at any moment. My parent's religion was an end times religion and so the childhood books that I used to learn to read featured colorful illustrations of people dying in fires as (their) god killed them during the last days which would presumably be happening at any minute. 

I was told that the people in my classes at school who were not the same religion would fatefully end up just like the people in those illustrations. My inner voice knew this seemed suspect since I actually really liked most of the people in my classes at school (much to the distress of my parents). But that early insistence that the world would burn along with my 'worldly' friends and first crushes informed how I felt about everyone around me. If my parents went away for a weekend, I was convinced they would never come back and I would immediately grieve as they were halfway out the door. 

If I left my teenage friends as I did when I was taken (not at will) to live in New Mexico for a year in High School to forget them once and for all, I grieved for the loss of them as if I would have never seen them again (I did of course. The year long trip - a last ditch attempt to get me to keep on going with the religion - didn't work at all).

While my parents used that fear that the current world would end to constantly try to convert and save people, I translated that fear into an almost nihilistic embrace of life in my late teens and early twenties after they disowned me and I moved out on my own. Long after my parents and that religion was out of my life, I carried that feeling with me: the one that hinted to me persistently that every day could be my last (since I was now 'worldly') and every person I cared about could perish at any second. It was like a locket I had been wearing around my neck for so long that it burned into my chest searing its impact deep into in my soul. Every moment felt like it could be the final one.

All conversations, even the silliest ones, felt as if they had a profound shadow edging its way over every joke. Shared experiences had a bittersweet impact. 

I never said goodnight to a friend or lover without wondering if I told them how much they meant to me or if I properly resolved any issues out of a subconscious feeling that I could potentially wake up with them gone. Regret was something I feared more than loss. I worded that last paragraph in past tense but the truth is I still carry that fatalism with me as if it is woven into the fabric of my existence.

It's one of the reasons I initially went into pre-med when I finally decided to go to college. Death, which always seemed imminent, just felt like another experience on the spectrum of life and figuring out how our strange outward structures kept us waking up every day was an ongoing fascination. "My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing..." I instinctively said yes to Brooke Shaden when she asked me at the last minute if I wanted to come speak at a creative retreat she was having this past weekend. Another speaker had to bow out due to a circumstance of loss and I was apparently on the list of speakers for next year so she messaged me asking if I could come speak and attend the retreat. 

It was a reflex reaction to say yes to that request. That deeply embedded fatalism that runs rampant in my bloodstream sent shivers up my arm when I thought of missing something profound. This happens to me often. It's a paradoxical reflex I carry with me alongside anxiety. Imagine saying yes to jumping out of a plane while also being mortally afraid of heights and a loss of control. 

In some ways this weird fatalistic reflex reaction has worked out to my advantage in the past few years as I have literally found myself saying yes to getting into a helicopter while also feeling like my heart would unceremoniously hurl itself up my throat and out of my mouth (for example).

"Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example,'The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'" It was in Western Greenland nearly a year ago on an icebreaker that I remember standing on the deck outside at midnight thinking about the weirdness of time as a concept. 

Earlier that day I had seen a documentary about how time flows differently in the Arctic where there are seasons of darkness and seasons of light.

In a place where darkness and light dictate life and where death tip toes on the perimeters of reality teetering on the thinning ice, time is simultaneously more profound and less profound. That night, I watched ice float across the vast sea as the snow covered mountains jutted up from the water like heartbeats until the dark blue whisper of night fell onto the sea like a blanket and the impermanence of Earth and humanity was tangible in that moment as if I could touch the ephemerality with my frozen fingertips.

"Reality is a permeable membrane that time slips in and out of, and time is malleable, bent by the wings of a plane or the cracking of ice sheets."

The above sentence is one that I wrote down that night that has haunted me every since.

Until this past weekend. I spent a year thinking about the above encounter. When I had to write about my book during this year of pondering all of this, I wrote about how fascinated and appalled I was by mortality, about how time simultaneously feels like a thief and an absurd imagined concept. "Love is so short, forgetting is so long..." I cried and laughed with so many other creative spirits this past weekend, maybe more than I ever have. While I initially went as a speaker, I relished meeting everyone and sharing in their own mini and major moments of catharsis.

A light switched on in my soul though when I was introduced to another of the speakers. We shared stories about a mutual friend (ironically the Astronaut Commander Hadfield who I was with during the Arctic encounter described above) and laughed a lot. 

I wasn't aware of what he was speaking about or what his story was until he briefly answered what he would be speaking about before we had to go to scheduled morning lecture. His name is Jeremie Saunders and he was born with Cystic Fibrosis and he will die at any point in the next 10 years, maybe sooner, maybe later. Who knows? Again, time and mortality are simultaneously absurd.

It wasn't until I heard him give his talk though that everything shifted for me. His talk wasn't about how he has perceived his life as carrying out a death sentence but rather how he views his knowledge of his own shifting expiration date as a gift because it has let him live in a way that has caused him to embrace the life and breaths he is living and breathing now. (please check him out: he has a podcast called Sickboy that “focuses on the absurd, inspirational, educational, and often times, hilarious stories of everyday people who are living with serious, chronic & terminal illnesses.” It’s brilliant). The thing is, we are all going to die. All of us. I had heard this fact poignantly stated by Commander Hadfield in the Arctic in the context of explaining his own philosophy on life. 

This isn't the first time I have thought about this. In fact, I have thought about it for decades. It has peppered every fatalistic thought I have had. 

At that time, I remember looking around the room when Commander Hadfield stated that truth. I heard the audible gasps and witnessed the uncomfortable shifting in chairs.   We avoid thinking of the fragility of our own mortality at the expense of enjoying it to its full extent because we think somehow that not thinking of it will render us immortal. If we never think about it maybe we can cheat the life cycle and transcend this mortal existence.

It's the weightiness of how we perceive time along with the lightness of our perception that alters our vision of life. In truth, we are carrying the DNA of an almost overwhelming amount of people who have all lived and died lives, some short and some long in a relative sense, and those lives have had an impact in some way. So when I listened to Jeremie's perspective, I felt as if I finally heard someone channeling the absurdity of existence in a poignant and hilarious way as if to let everyone know that life is meant to be lived to its fullest extent.

And I knew right then and there with almost unwavering certainty what I want to work on that may span the rest of whatever life I have left. "And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture."

I saw the first photo of me in this post in an end of the retreat slideshow. I remember the moment I walked up that path to see what was in the distance. Surrounded by trees, I felt alive. And in an instant I thought of everything I shared in the first parts of this post and how I have never shared any of that to complete strangers. What an either perfectly complementary or divergent set of thoughts to have. 

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long..." I met so many people like Kristina and Jeremie this weekend who created a ripple in the fabric of my soul. 

I looked into people's eyes and ugly cried with every ounce of my being. I shared deep belly laughter with more people than I can count on two hands and hugged everyone as if I would never see them again (because that is what I do as I have just established in this post.) 

I never once went to bed each night wondering if the day was complete enough in thoughts, words, actions. 

Brooke, beyond being an incredible artist, is also a connector of souls. 

Thank you Brooke.

And thank you to everyone who inspired me and touched me in such an indelible way. 

You may have also inadvertently just shaped the rest of my career. --- * all quotes aside from one of mine are from one of my favorite poems by Pablo Neruda - Tonight I Can Write (Poem 20) - if you are unfamiliar - this video below is my favorite way to experience it...

(it’s part of a playlist I made a long time ago about all the scenes and videos that have made a huge impression on my life and art if you are curious: Scenes that have stuck to my ribs and clung to my heart) The beautiful forest photos in this post were taken by Kim Winey.

[katieskarlette]

In defense of Illidan/Maiev

If you’ve ever wondered why anyone would ship these two, or rejected the idea as ridiculous/gross/stupid/an abomination against nature/the reason aliens don’t visit us/a sign of the apocalypse... this post is for you!

I’m only one fan, I don’t claim to speak for other shippers, and I’m not trying to win any converts, but I wanted to clear up some misconceptions and questions I keep seeing about the Illidan Stormrage/Maiev Shadowsong ship.

TL;DR version:

They are both complex, gray characters with a lot in common.  The appeal of the ship comes from watching two very similar, strong, evenly-matched characters play off each other.  Their banter is snarky and fun, and there are intense emotions connecting them.

It is possible to ship them and keep them in-character.  Maiev is a resilient, no-nonsense character who has proven herself capable of matching Illidan in wits and tenacity.  Her awesomeness is not in any way diminished by being in a relationship.  They are both badasses separately, and they would continue to be just as badass if they were a couple.

Yes, they canonically hate each other.  The “enemies to lovers” trope is as old as time and remains popular for a reason.

It’s not the kind of relationship you want to model IRL, and that’s okay because it’s fiction.  Playing a Death Knight doesn’t mean I’m going to pick up grave robbing as a weekend hobby, either.

It’s totally understandable that the ship isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.  You don’t have to ship it.  Just please don’t be rude to people who do.

[Long version -- with funny pictures -- below!]

Argument #1:  “Shipping Illidan/Maiev trivializes her character, reducing her to arm candy or playing into the horrid trope that a woman who isn’t all sunshine and flowers 'just needs to get laid.'”

That’s not at all how I see their dynamic working.  Maiev has very valid reasons to be a fireball of fury and vengeance.  Her character is not, never has been, and never will be, anything resembling demure or passive.  There’s not a force in the cosmos--demon hunter dick included--that could change who she is at a fundamental level.  And who she is, is badass, self-sufficient, determined, brash, brave, stubborn, hot-headed, unyielding, unforgiving, clever, stoic, deadly, and awesome.

I can understand why people would dislike the idea of Illidan/Maiev if they’re imagining her turning into a lovesick teenager who doodles “Mrs. Maiev Stormrage” in her notebooks.  But that’s not even close to how I imagine the ship working.

Even putting aside the fact that night elves are a matriarchal society, it’s against Maiev’s very nature to stand back and defer to Illidan on anything.  The only reason she would ever voluntarily stand in his shadow would be to launch a sneak attack on him.  In fact, she is the dominant one who sees Illidan as her property. 

She is extremely possessive of him.  She was enraged when Tyrande released him from prison (and, yes, killed a number of her personnel along the way, which admittedly didn’t help her mood any.)  She refused to accept Malfurion’s decision to pardon Illidan and grant him exile instead of imprisonment.  She bristled at the thought of Akama or the players landing the killing blow on him.  She even stashed away his body in a vault for years so she could continue to be in control of him in some way.  Illidan is hers to do with what she sees fit.  His fate is in her hands alone, as far as she is concerned.

I would even argue that Maiev is the stronger person.  Where Illidan has stumbled and failed time and time again, she has proven herself consistently competent.  It’s not about her “needing a man” or some rubbish like that. It’s about the fact that she’s just about the only one who can see past Illidan’s grandstanding, stand up to him, and call him out for his reckless, morally questionable schemes.  Illidan could use a voice of reason standing by to tell him when he’s getting in over his head.

Wanting Maiev to pair up with someone as capable and badass as herself is a compliment to her character, yet I often see it framed as “shippers want her to be tamed/domesticated/broken by a man.”  Nothing could be further from the truth.

[Image sources:  Illidan fanart | Maiev fanart]

If they hooked up absolutely nothing would change except maybe slightly fewer death threats, and more sneaking off to work out some of that tension between the sheets.

Argument #2:  “Maiev is too good and righteous to be associated with a villain like Illidan.”  (Or, “Illidan is way too cool for a 'cr*zy b*tch' like her.”)  “All they have in common is being cooped up in the same prison for ten thousand years.”

There’s a tendency among people who dislike the ship to either gloss over or magnify one character’s flaws to make the other seem incompatible.  

This is nonsense.  They are both deeply flawed, conflicted, gray characters.  They can be bloodthirsty and ruthless, but neither is evil incarnate, either. 

The point is, they have a lot common.  So much so, in fact, that other characters remark on it in-universe (Malfurion in WCIII and Akama in the recent Illidan novel.)

The way they condemn each other for traits they actually share is delightfully ironic.  Their inability to see flaws in themselves while fixating on the same flaws in each other is what makes their interactions so fascinating.  

They both brag about their noble goals (saving the cosmos from the Legion, dispensing justice) while using morally questionable methods to achieve those ends.  

They both have delved into dark magic (he more than she, obviously, but in a Warcraft III optional mission Maiev did not hesitate to use a dark artifact called the Shadow Orb to help her inside the Tomb of Sargeras.  She also freed the player demon hunters from stasis when things got too hairy early in Legion and she thought they would be useful.)

They both make and break alliances for their own convenience without regard to any promises they might have made to cajole aid from others.  (Kael’thas got burned by both of them, poor guy.)

They have both outright murdered people who disagreed with them.  (In Warcraft III Maiev left Tyrande to either drown or be torn apart by undead.  In the novel Wolfheart, she stalked and murdered numerous night elf mages, and attempted to kill Malfurion, as well.)

Illidan and Maiev both operate under their own codes of morality.  You do not want to stand between them and their goals, because they are more than willing to incur collateral damage along the way.   You’re either for them or you’re against them, and if you’re against them you’re irrelevant at best and a liability at worst.

They both think that only they know what’s best.  Admitting they were wrong about something is not an option.

They also have similarly traumatic backstories.  When the Legion first invaded, they had their whole lives ahead of them.  Illidan was working his way up the ranks as a sorcerer, spurred on by the belief that his golden eyes were a sign of a great destiny.  Maiev was vying for leadership within the Sisterhood of Elune.  Neither came from illustrious backgrounds.  They were both fighting tooth and nail to make something of themselves, and were succeeding quite well until the demons showed up and ruined everything.  The bitterness of thwarted destiny and crushed dreams certainly gives them common ground.

And perhaps the most important thing they have in common:  they are both fixated on either other.  

[Above:  A coin you can fish up from the fountain in Northrend’s Dalaran.  Dang, Maiev, get a hobby.]

Their mutual obsession is one part Ahab and the Whale, one part Javert and Valjean, one part [insert superhero of your choice and their nemesis], and one part stalking-your-ex trope.  They can’t stop thinking about each other, talking about each other, talking to each other, goading each other, and getting under each other’s skin with practiced ease.  They know exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of the other.

At the end of the boss fight in the Black Temple, they both admitted how closely linked their lives had become.

That is a powerful connection, whatever kind of relationship you think they have.

Argument #3.  “They hate each other.  Like, really, really hate each other.  To the point of actual homicide.”

Yes, and?  

“Enemies to lovers” is a popular, long-lasting trope for a reason.  Illidan/Maiev is actually listed as an example in two different places, but it is by far not an isolated case.  For many reasons too complex to address here, this type of narrative resonates with a large number of people.

Remember, this is fiction.  “I am entertained thinking about these characters in a romantic and/or sexual context” is literally all that is required to ship something.  It doesn’t have to be canon.  People ship characters who never even meet in canon.  At least I/M have a strong emotional connection to start with.

I also don’t see many shippers who seriously believe these two are romantically linked in canon.  (At most, maybe some kinky prison hatesex happened.)  Instead it’s often shipped in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way, and the WTFery is part of the charm.

I should note, however, that there were a couple quotes in the Illidan novel that pinged my shipping radar.  See here and here.

Argument #4:  “Illidan’s still in love with Tyrande,” and/or “It seemed like Maiev was in love with Naisha.”

Because people only fall in love once in their entire lives, right?  And it’s impossible to have feelings for two different people at the same time.  And you have to be deeply in love with someone to have sex with them.

Oh wait.

Argument #5:  “It’s abusive and unhealthy!”

No shit.  Again, it’s fiction.  I enjoy watching Godzilla movies but that doesn’t mean I want a kaiju to destroy my neighborhood IRL.

[Above, Maiev and Illidan demonstrate that they are, indeed, fictional characters.]

Argument #6:  “It’s creepy and wrong!”

That’s a perfectly valid opinion.  Thankfully, no one is forcing you to ship it.

[Above:  Not what is happening.]

It’s fine to dislike a ship.  Heaven knows I have NOTPs of my own.  Personally, I practice the Thumper doctrine (”If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”) when it comes to shipping.  Everyone has different tastes, and as long as the characters are adults and no incest is involved, it’s not my place to tell other people what they can and can’t enjoy.  Fandom is supposed to be fun!

Speaking of which, I had a lot of fun writing and illustrating this post.  I hope it was entertaining, even if your opinions weren’t swayed.

If, after having read all this, you still think I/M is the worst ship ever, that’s totally okay!  Just move along and let us shippers have our fun.  Thanks!

[your-kaleidoscope-girl]

Do ALL OF THEM

😳 oh yikes all of them??

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?depends on the relationship i guess. i suppose not if it’s poly. but in a monogamous relationship it also depends on the people. some think anything physical is considered cheating. personally, i think cheating can happen way before things get physical, so yeah to me a kiss would be cheating unless it was obviously completely platonic and something silly

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?i guess you could say i faked an orgasm when i lost my virginity

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?i’d wanna be like an animorph, able to change into any animal i touch. but like not have to touch them, so i could be any animal in the world. i could turn into a fishy and swim the entire ocean. or a hawk and soar through the sky. or a cat and just be a lazy asshole

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?wow that would be nice! at this rate, it’s only happen if i hit the lotto and i’ve never bought a ticket so that’s not likely

5. Tell us some funny drunk story.oh gosh. well there was this one time i went and visited my best friend at college. and we went to this party and i had jungle juice for the first time, which i didn’t realize is just a shit ton of alcohol poured together and fruit punch or something. so at one point i laughed so hard that i ended up crouching, but then i couldn’t stand up so i said to this random guy next to me “i’m going to use your shorts to pull myself up, i’m not getting frisky, i promise” suffice to say me and Kelsey were toasted af by the time we left. and at this point she lived in these off campus apartments that were a very long walk. we had to pee really bad and weren’t even halfway back to her place, so i drunkenly decided to do a sloppy wall squat against a chainlink fence with my pants pulled down and proceed to urinate on the path. not my brightest moment. we laughed about it all the way back to her apartment though

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?we broke up on a mutual agreement that neither of us were in good places and needed to work on ourselves, that this wasn’t a forever solution and that if it was meant to be we’d come back to one another sometime down the line when we were both on our right paths

7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? peacefully in my sleep due to old age. but honestly i’ll probably die trying to save someone from something dangerous

8. What are your current goals?just to name a few; get back to school, start my own business, move out

9. Do you like someone?i don’t just like her, i love her

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?James. he acted like a twat tonight at work and i’m severely disappointed in the way he’s been holding himself at work lately. he’s better than he’s been acting

11. Do you like your body?not really. i’m far too skinny. i’d like to get to the gym and build some muscle

12. Can you keep a diet?maybe a diet of junk food, cheese, pasta, bread, butter and steak AND BAGELs

13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?treat everyone as you would like to be treated and maybe this world would might get a little brighter

14. Do you work?five days a week, 40+ hours

15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?fuck. uhm. BAGELS bc bagels can be turned into just about anything 😉

16. Would you get a tattoo?i have three already! and so many more planned

17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?LUSH cosmetic bathbombs 😳

18. Can you drive?yessir

19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Chef George tells me every day i work with him, today included 😋

20. What was the last thing you cried for?i was watching the titanic 😂

21. Do you keep a journal?yeah i’ve got a couple that i’ve written in. tumblr mostly though haha

22. Is life fun?most of the time yeah!

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?i only fart in front of people when i don’t feel well and can’t really control it. i usually manage to fart in private

24. What’s your dream car?soft blue convertible VW bug

25. Are grades in school important?personally i feel like shit when i fail, so to me yeah

26. Describe your crush.oh goodness. she’s remarkable. one of the strongest women i know, she fights every day. she gives the best hugs bc she’s not afraid to squeeze me like everyone else, and she does that almost let go but wait i need more time kinda squeezes too, and she does this thing where when we drop our arms she grabs at my waist with one hand in a half-hearted tickle kinda gesture. she has wicked beautifully expressive eyes. she doesn’t need to wear makeup bc she’s got natural beauty but when she does it’s just wow. her laugh is contagious and i can’t stop smiling when i spend time with her. she knows me better than i known myself sometimes. she makes time for me and is always there when i really need her. i can’t lie to her, she hears it in my voice, knows it by my eyes, but doesn’t force me to talk if i’m not ready. i’ve cried on her shoulder more times than i can count, she’s held me in the middle of panic attacks, reigned in my anger and told me exactly when i’m in the wrong. she’s incredible

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?codependent no more. i’m not even done, only a couple chapters in actually and it’s written with this raw truth and it’s eye opening

28. What was your last lie?i try not to lie so i can’t really remember 🤔

29. Dumbest lie you ever told? every time someone asked if i was okay and i lied and said i was fine

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?i fucking hate crying in front of people. i am not okay with that level of vulnerability in front of just anyone. but i also angry cry, which is annoying

31. Something you did and you are proud of?I’ve cut toxic friends out. I’m an assistant supervisor after working there for only two years, chosen above everyone else who’s worked there longer

32. What’s your favourite cocktail?i enjoy a good mai tai

33. Something you are good at?i’m a decent writer

34. Do you like small kids?in small doses they’re fun and adorable

35. How are you feeling right now?quite content, thank you

36. What would you name your daughter/son?Josephine for a little lady and Michael for my son. i’m open minded though

37. What do you need to be happy?general feeling of acceptance and love

38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Karen 😤

39. What was the last gift you received?like formal gift? probably my birthday presents. but i enjoy minimal gifts, like someone paying for my coffee or grabbing the bill for a lunch we had together (but i always fight and usually win bc i hate people paying for my food). i’m thinking hard about the last gift someone got me specifically though.. hmm… i think the last gift i got was the necklace Erin got me for my birthday, engraved with the latitude/longitude of where we first met 😊

40. What was the last gift you gave?i paid for dinner when i went out with my friends thursday night?

41. What was the last concert you went to?oh boy i haven’t been to a concert since…. three years ago when i saw Scotty McCreery with Dani?

42. Favourite place to shop at?Fabletics.com !!!

43. Who inspires you?honestly all the residents at work, hearing about what they’ve done or wish they’d done and how supportive they all are when i talk about any new lavish idea i have

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?probably eighteen or nineteen

45. How old were you when you first got high?again 18 or 19 i didn’t do these things until my college years when visiting Kelsey

46. How old were you when you first had sex?i was 23 believe it or not 😲

47. When was your first kiss?i was kissing by the time i was 12 i think lol

48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? get it done by the end of the year? ah well i’d like to be able to move out. or i’d like to be with the love of my life. or both and possibly living somewhere with her?

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?i have so many regrets. but i wouldn’t change anything. every moment and choice i’ve made in the last has made me who i am today

50. Post a selfie.i’ll post one soon

51. Who are you most comfortable around?Erin, Kelsey, Ashley and Ryan

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.dying too young

53. What kind of books do you read?raunchy adult books, supernatural themes, murder mysteries, self help books

54. What would you tell your 12 year old self?people come and go, love them while they’re with you. you’re gay as fuck, embrace it sooner rather than later. don’t let your parents dictate your choices.

55. What is your favourite flower?white carnations partially dyed blue

56. Any bad habits you have?i scratch/pick my scabs

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?strong personalities with pretty faces and nice butts 🤷🏼‍♀️

58. What was the last thing you cried for?i said this before, Titanic

59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?calves liver, lamb, purée. working in an old folks home i see a lot of food that’s disgusting to me

60. Are you in love?i’m absolutely head over heels

61. Something you find romantic?intimate moments with candle light, deep talks, massages and food

62. How long was your longest relationship? 6 months

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?don’t get me started. petty, manipulative, emotional

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? fragile masculinity, arrogance, “friend zone”

65. What are you saving money for?everything! i’ve been saving money since i started working and it’s the smartest thing i’ve ever done. i have a safety cushion if my Jeep decides to die (which it very well might), or to use for school or whatever

66. How would you describe your bad side?insecure, selfish, self doubting and gullible

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?i’ve been told that my inner essence is so white and pure that it brought someone to tears when she saw it. she nicknamed me Angel from that moment. i’m a do-gooder, trying to save everyone i meet. i think i’m a good person

68. What are you living for?i’m still trying to figure that one out

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?what?! noo neverrrr

70. Do you like your body?didn’t i answer this earlier?

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?not that i can think of

72. Ever sent nudes?come to think of it, i don’t think i’ve sent full on nude photos before. there’s usually something covered and they’re more like “coming attractions” or teasers. but yeah, if those are considered nudes then fuck yeah man i love sending nudes to my person

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?i haven’t

74. Favourite candy?ooh that’s no fair i don’t like choosing. probably a toss up between butterfingers and milk duds though. but there’s also milky ways and ugh i just really like candy okay??

75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!i kinda stalk @kenzicocapontas blog on the regular but she doesn’t know that so shh

76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?L4D is my most favorite PC game! but also Diablo II and all of the Sims

77. Favourite TV series?Charmed 😍

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?i believe in a higher power and submit to the truth that i may never know exactly who/what it is or why things happens the way they do if there’s someone watching over us

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?didn’t i just answer this too?

80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?props to y'all but i love me some filet mignon

81. How long have you been on Tumblr?hm my original account jmagerr i believe started in 2009 or 10

82. Do you like Chineese food?LOVE IT

83. McDonalds or Subway?both?!

84. Vodka or whiskey?vodka cranberry and jack/ginger are my go to’s

85. Alcohol or drugs?honestly not a huge fan of either

86. Ever been out of your province/state/country?only out of the state so far, haven’t left the country just yet

87. Meaning behind your blog name?just that i’m always changing

88. What are you scared of?too many things. i’m very scared of failure, it’s kind of debilitating at times

89. Last time you were insulted?bleh my period makes me a cranky baby so everything’s hurt my feelings this last week

90. Most traumatic experience ?i’ve gone through some pretty emotionally traumatic relationships; verbal abuse, manipulation, cheating. my first girlfriend really did a number on me, left me with so many self esteem issues. it’s hard to get over internalized damage

91. Perfect date idea?coming home to a house softly lit, sitting down for a small dinner together among pillows and blankets in a fort we built together giggling like kids. laying together in the cramped space, feeding each other bites of food. and then we can push away the plates of food and start up a movie, or go upstairs to take a hot bath togetheri just really like intimate domesticity. another great date could literally be shopping all day and grabbing food, doing more shopping and going home to go through all the bags together

92. Favourite app on your phone?tumblr 😋

93. What colour are the walls in your room?we painted them a light grey then sponged a darker grey over it

94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?actually i just use youtube for songs still

95. Share your favourite quote.“Be the change you wish to see in the world” gandhi

96. What is the meaning of life?also still trying to figure that one out

97. Do you like horror movies?yessss

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?i told her i wanted to go to therapy, that i’ve felt depressed for years and didn’t want to go to her and dad about it bc i didn’t wanna disappoint them

99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way?i feel blessed to have such a loving and understanding family. they accepted my sexuality when i went from straight to bi to lesbian and supported me even when i was considering dating a guy even though i said i was a lesbian. once i told them about my anxiety and depression they’ve been nothing but understanding, and helpful

100. Can you keep a secret?indeed i can 😊

oh boy that was a lot of work 😪 might just have to go to sleep now 😴