#maybe ill regret posting this but oh whale

[mymreaderlibrary]

Male reader/ character x Natasha Romanoff

I’m a simple man, I imagine Natasha being her normal badass self while also dating the most generic “just some guy” kinda dude and I am happy.

(Note: I wrote this in the middle of the night with no spellcheck or beta-ing so I’m sure there’s lot’s of mistakes n nonsense).

I’m picturing her at a party for Stark Enterprise. It’s massive, packed full of rich people who favor their status among all else. She blends right on in and spends most of the night dealing with small talk and trying to watch out for suspicious activity (you can never be too safe).

Picture her frustration when Tony decides to hound on her with some chatter despite his awareness of her job/ purpose. He makes jokes in typical Tony fashion, pressing buttons and somehow finding a way to keep even the most boring of topics going. But then he pauses, just for a moment however long enough for Natasha to notice.

He picks up her left hand and twists it lightly to look at the silver band on her ring finger. It’s nothing extravagant, in fact it’s a little cheap, but unless she was playing the role of a random married woman she had no reason to be wearing it. Unless…

To Natasha’s dismay Tony does not let this topic go, trying to trick her with loaded questions in hopes of finding out who gave it to her. He already knew she’s not playing a role, this is supposed to be an Avengers filled Stark hosted event, why the hell would she be undercover? He also knows she’s not wearing it to deter unwanted attention from unbearably persistent men because she had never struggled to send them on their way before (either with the cocky impression that she’s just a tough nut to crack or the realization that she had murder in her eyes specifically directed at them).

So again… who gave her the ring? Is she married? Engaged? Just dating and this is an anniversary gift? Tony can’t help but feed his own ego after he gets her to accidentally admit it was from her fiancé. A man Tony, or well none of the Avengers, seemed to know.

Perhaps he was a fellow agent, secretive and well trained in hiding in the shadows and assassinating political opponents. Or maybe he was a merc for hire who was just too busy to stay in one place as he got called for jobs around the world. Or better yet the Avengers DID know him it was just that he and Natasha were able to keep their relationship completely under wraps even during chaotic missions. The way she kept dodging the answer made Tony’s imagination spiral.

However it turned out, a much less exciting answer was the truth. A basic man, a civilian who worked at a mom n pop shop and only met Natasha thanks to a pub crawl had saved up the cash he had to buy her that ring. A man with no special talents or double life. A man who’s only scrapes and cuts came from the claws of his over excitable cat. A man who she had apparently been dating for almost 2 years without anyone knowing. A man who Natasha did not offer up the name of to Tony no matter how hard he tried to coax it out.

Her fiancé, someone she clearly loved too much to involve in her dangerous life.

That thought reluctantly made Tony back off for the night, but he still insisted that he meet this guy or at the very least see a picture of him. Natasha regretted telling Tony but she couldn’t find herself regretting wearing the ring. She deserved at least that amount of autonomy in her life, the pride of a gift.

[asukaskerian]

monthly word count - april

TOTAL: 4 604 low but on the upside i plotted out and got started on the last chapter for cherry wine's capital arc, FUCK yes finally. X_X

POSTED: nothing new! a battlefield terra scene languishing in my files since 2017 tho.

IN PROGRESS -cherry wine - madatobiizu ABO chapter 10 (1 548 words) -bleach suburban ot4 (2 553 words) -bleach: attempt at one of my unusual inheritances prompts that swiftly died on me (503 words) (if you ever think "oh it's such an obvious plot i will remember for sure" THAT IS SATAN LYING TO YOU.)

-- cherry wine (short bcs spoilers everywhere) --

Then they were approaching the well-lit area before the hall where people milled around, and the brouhaha covered the edge of their voices, as Madara asked, "So, what did you do?"

"Mm, nothing too extreme. I merely felt regretful that I couldn't keep Yukiha-san company, so I... referred her to some."

Madara's eyebrows quirked dubiously.

"The pink kind."

"--Pfhah."

He'd done a little more than that, really. When he'd asked the Haruno girls what they thought about hatesex (in favor; spicy), and their ability to convince a very horny, grumpy, desperate kunoichi to let herself be bedded (very high; just had to challenge her superiority), he'd also asked them for the favor of their alpha brother's sweatier underclothes, to plant in her bedroom afterwards. They would have a fun couple of weeks waiting to be certain she wasn't carrying a bellyful of civilian bastards.

-- suburban ot4 --

Nelliel rolls like a beached whale, morose and defeated. Her phone keeps containing nothing of interest. 

Tier of course hasn't contacted her directly since their last in-person meeting, because she doesn't believe in chatting up ex-girlfriends. Especially because her current girlfriends are jealous and threatened somehow, even after Nelliel told them about getting knocked up by Grimmjow.

They all think she has shit taste in men, see, but they don't doubt her taste in women is more refined. 

Her only recent messages are from Grimmjow and Hime.

... Her most recent message is from Hime! Right now! Ohh, she was letting things settle a bit before she started hounding her in case the Kurosakis wanted space, but!

Hime-chan: Nel-chan, hello! Are you here?

She wants to talk! Live! Right now!

Me: yes!!!!!! :D :D :D hi! what's up?? Hime-chan: #^__^#<3 Hime-chan: oh, nothing much! I was just wondering if you're busy or maybe if you would want to go out for a walk? I was going to take kazui and go check out that new pastry shop and i thought, that's not too far from where you are and maybe you're not too tired to go? Me: YES let me get dressed. Hime-chan: but if you don't feel up to it then take care of yourself Hime-chan: !! oh, great! Give us a half hour? Me: yeeeeeeeessss ill be waiting downstairs SEE YOU SOON

"Hot date, eh?"

Nelliel gives her boyfriend the crazed stare of don't get in my way. "Oh fuck yeah. With Hime and the kid. I am going to get so many cuddles."

He laughs at her. "Want me to clear out in case you get them to come home with you for coffee while you're at it?"

"... Nah. You can stay and babysit."

Grimmjow plants his hand on top of her skull and swings her right and left, then shoves her back down onto her pillows. She yowls in protest, grabbing his wrist to haul herself back up. "Stop that, I have to shower and get dressed! I can't meet Hime if I stink!"

"But you're fine stinking for me, I see how it is." He drags her to her feet, an amused half-smirk on his face. 

"You're a gross boy, though. Hime is fresh and cute and sweet. She's not into salty."

Grimmjow smirks even wider. "Oh, she's into all sorts of crazy shit. Made me a herring and ice cream sandwich once."

"... I kinda want to figure out what exactly this means in our sexy metaphor but I'm going to be late." Nelliel leans in to give him a cheek kiss and a semi-friendly headbutt and scampers off to the bathroom. "I've got a daaaate!"

"A friendship date!"

"Guys who don't have a date don't get to piss on my parade!"

-- ichigo and sisters, odd inheritance -- fic disappeared on me and left me without notes, idk if i'll ever figure out what to do with it --

Ichigo has been eighteen all of two months when he finally manages to get 1. custody of his sisters and 2. access to his inheritance. 

It's fast. Really fast. Dad's lawyer friend was cutthroat and very prepared. 

(Even if the guy looks so dubious and scruffy--)

Ichigo has been living in a group house on his own for seven months by then, and he knows the clinic wasn't completely paid off, and he knows it's been sold on -- all their personal effects are in storage, in a truck, in the truck the lawyer friend got him and the lawyer friend's even odder friend taught him to drive and he is never going to manage to repay them--

Anyway.

"Is this it?" Karin asks, dubious. 

Karin and Yuzu are crammed together on the passenger's seat, and they peer at the actual goddamned mansion looming at the top of the hill with the exact same dubiousness Ichigo feels. It's an european style, but from a century back at least, and wasn't exactly maintained well. He's not sure why Mom hung onto it instead of selling it off, but maybe there were no buyers. There used to be a village nearby but now there's two rickety houses and some farmland, mostly woods, and the house stands on such a slope that cutting down the trees to grow anything else would be completely pointless.

On the other side of the ridge is, apparently, the sea, but about fifty meters of cliffside down. No beach access either. Sigh. Whatever.

"I'll unlock the gate!" Yuzu exclaims, and pops out of the cab, legs wobbling on landing from the drive. The rusty noise as she pushes it open is, uh. Bad.

"Home sweet home," he grumbles as he drives the car through the gate.

Making it livable is going to take so much work.

But the roof isn't leaking and the heating and water still work, and miraculously one of the wings has failed to get infected by mold. So. It will do.

--

The first night they camp together in one of the living rooms, and it's nice. (Yuzu cries openly over being reunited, Karin cries while telling her not to cry, and Ichigo somehow manages to wait until they have fallen asleep.)

They don't really know what happened to their mom's family or why she has a hugeass house fit for like ten or fifteen very antisocial people that nobody else had a claim on. The way Kurosaki Masaki spent their childhood dodging the topic like an olympic slalom medalist had been read as 'it was Bad and Ungood but now it's OVER move along hahaha'. So of course, "If one of our grandparents is haunting this dust pile and they don't wait until tomorrow to bug us, I will throw their tablet in the sea," Karin was muttering, half as a joke, before she finally laid down. 

It's five AM and Ichigo isn't laughing. 

Of course there are ghosts. Anywhere he goes there are ghosts.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #46

honestly too lazy to muse over song lyrics so hey let’s get into it.

has anyone ever called you sexy? jason did the first time he saw me in a bikini and i blushed like a bitch. do you like raisins? NO what is your favorite bug? butterflies what is your opinion on abortion? lmao do you REALLY want me to get into that one? what is your opinion on gay marriage? it's fine. what is your opinion on gay adoption? also fine, so long as you don't raise said child to think being gay is "normal," like A LOT of people seem to think. now before i get blown up with notes about how "i'm calling being gay bad," NO. normal and bad are two very different things. being gay is a mutation, thus is not normal. but is it bad? no. it irks me when people think that being gay is normal, bc it's not, and a gullible child should not be told differently. do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? absolutely not. would you rather freeze or burn to death?  burn, only because freezing would be agonizingly slow you've just died, and you're given the choice of reincarnation, being a spirit, or going to heaven/hell, wherever you belong.  i wanna go to heaven. have peace. you're in prison. would you think about trying to escape and running away?  no. i'd get caught.  they always do in the end. you're getting married! where’s your honeymoon? idk tbh. aside from any current relationships, what was your closest relationship ever? me and jason do you give good massages?  well. jason has a terrible back so i used to give him massages a lot and they always ended with us making out so lol. when’s the last time you went against your eating habits or religion (ex. eating beef when you’re muslim)?  never even if you are not christian or never celebrated christmas, do you think you will raise your (possible future) children to believe in santa clause? why or why not? absolutely!! it's all in good fun and it stimulates the imagination. jason never believed in santa and when i found out, i remember i felt really sad for him. when you have nightmares, do they normally have the same theme (ex. always being killed) or do they just relate to something going on in your life at the moment/random? sigh. they're always about jason rejecting me in one way or another. what type of clothing do you hate to see on (other) women? what type of clothing do you hate to see on (other) men?  i do NOT like skanky clothes, ex. shorts that literally show off your ass or shirts with an immense amount of cleavage. i can't stand baggy pants on men. do you believe america should legalize drugs? if you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize?  ... no??? what the fuck's next, legalizing murder bc it would deter murderers??? would you vote a homosexual president into office? why or why not? yes, because why not? what's your most embarrassing sex (or sexual) story? if you haven't had sex, talk about an embarrassing sex story you heard. i've told this before in an old survey: that time i'm pretty damn sure i was about to orgasm but instead i had a panic attack because i didn't understand what i was feeling lmao besides pornography, what is a website you frequent and don't want anyone to know? first let it be known that i don't watch porn. it's disgusting. two, the meerkat role-play site i take part in because i find rp embarrassing to the public eye. would you support marijuana legalization if it were taxed and distributed in a way similar to alcohol? nope what do you most want to improve upon in yourself? not allow my happiness to be dependent on others if you were throwing your significant other / best friend a themed party, what would the theme be? elephants! she loves them! how often do you get fountain drinks from a gas station? like, once a month? who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? hmmm... i'm honestly tied between the mad hatter and the cheshire cat! what'​​s your curre​nt boy situa​tion?​​ i'm single, but i just joined a dating site like... yesterday so i guess you could say i'm looking. it's honestly embarrassing to me personally to be on a dating site, but after a month's worth of thought, i decided i think that's what's best for me. gave you ever donat​ed blood​?​​ yes. have you ever been to seawo​rld? yep. what video game should everybody play at least once?  "silent hill 2." NO, not because it's my favorite game, but that damn message. it shows that you cannot run from your past and regrets; you instead have to face up to them. what is impossible to understand until it happens to you? mental illnesses what’s a weird thing you are scared of? WHALE SHARKS what is the most enjoyable exercise? biking how much time do you spend putting on makeup daily? i usually don't wear makeup. but if i do, gimme like five minutes have you ever worn faux eyelashes? nope what color is your flash-drive? pink when’s the next time you’ll change your hairstyle and will you color it? hairstyle will remain the same, gotta get the layers trimmed tho. i'm getting galaxy hair after my red fades!! has anyone ever called you fake and do you agree with them? no. do you make an effort to talk to all of your facebook friends, or are there certain people that you talk to the most? nope. i mean i'll "like" some of their statuses and whatnot, but i don't talk to most of them anymore. do you hate your weight? very much so. what kind of mood are you in atm? is someone else responsible for that mood? i'm anxious to do something, and no. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you? tell me the story of how you met that person, everything you remember. colleen asked to hang out a couple days back, spent the night two days. :D i met her in girl scouts, but i barely remember back then. we really bonded in middle school. if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? it really depends on their situation.0 have you ever worn colored mascara? if not, would you ever think about trying it? and if you have, what is / was your favorite color to wear? ohhh, i haven't, but that'd be cool! who was the last person to pay you a compliment? my dentist. she liked my hair. what color is your purse/wallet? my purse is maroon and black. my wallet is red, black, and white. it's got a harley quinn design on it. before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace? i had myspace. which disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? why? uhhh... aesthetically... i guess belle, maybe? or jasmine? if i’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? DO NOT GET ME THE KINDS WITH FILLING OTHER THAN CHOCOLATE ITSELF OMG if you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? "thank you for saving my life" when you’re going to be at home all day, do you bother to get out of your pajamas? nope. given the choice, would you rather drink juice or soda? soda. i'm aware that's terrible, lol. how many piercings do you have? are there any more that you want? i have two in each earlobe, my tragus, my cartilage, and my nose done. i want a labret lip piercing and the snake eyes tongue piercing, as well as more on my ears. do you play angry birds? no. i recently watched the movie with friends tho, and it's so cute! do you tend to get hungry late at night? YEAH has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? yeah. we didn't actually date, but it was serious flirting, and i consider that cheating. do you blow dry your hair? NO NO NO YOU NEVER WANT TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR. it's thick af and will literally take you 10+ minutes to get completely dry. if you’ve ever had and quit a job, did you actually call in and quit or put in your two weeks notice or did you just stop showing up? at my first job, i talked face-to-face with the manager and didn't show up after i quit. at my second job, i texted my boss and didn't show up after that. do you tend to baby or take care of the people you date, or do you tend to date alpha types that take care of you? ehhh, both? like i think it's in MOST females' nature to be motherly, and i was like that with my ex, but my ex definitely cared for me, too. how would you feel if the person you were interested in refused to perform oral sex on you? i wouldn't mind. i find oral gross, anyway. when you get upset do you have any physical reactions, like prickles in your spine or your knees going weak? my head gets this weird tingling sensation. do you ever “facebook stalk” or go through facebook albums of attractive boys/girls that you have mutual friends with (but haven’t met in person)? do you ever add them? nope. hypothetically speaking, if you ever give birth to a son, would you have him circumcised? yes, in interest of his health. which of your facebook friends posts the most annoying/irritating/enraging facebook posts? what do they post? oh my GOSH, a friend i met at the hospital, whom i won't name for her privacy. she's BEYOND pro-choice, bashes EVERYONE who disagrees with her, posts a billion rants a day, and is just... very shallow in what she shares. is there something that a person can do and watching them do it makes you quite a bit attracted to them for it (e.g., watching someone play guitar, watching a someone work on a car, etc.)? many things, yeah, like the two you listed, but more. what accent do you find most difficult to understand? southern, but only when it's VERY heavy. what movie never fails to make you cry? "the notebook" do you like 3d movies? sure have you ever practiced kissing on a stuffed animal? nope do you let music move your body, or do you hold back? i always hold back why is your favorite store your favorite? i find their clothes aesthetically pleasing can you handle the stress of working in food/customer service? NONONONONO what kind of place would you want to raise your children? idk, the same state i was raised in, i guess. would you let your child have a pet? depends on their age, really. if i think they're mature enough to care for it themselves, yes. do you enjoy talking to people over webcam? NO CAN YOU SAY AWKWARD would you rather die or eat another human being? die. how would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile? i'd be... pretty devastated. i want kids, but at the same time, i'm so scared to have another life under my supervision. idk. do you like meatball subs? sure. have you been baptized in any religious tradition? yep. what is your favorite meal of the day? breakfast what season were you born in? winter what’s your favorite breed of dog? idk, i like akita inus, chow-chows, beagles... do you use twitter? nope are you a good babysitter?   not particularly.  i'm awkward with kids. how old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?   sigh.  he'll be 23 in two days. what’s the relationship with you and the last person you kissed?   we're nothing but strangers now. has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?   he was apparently full of shit.

[idontwannabeyouanymorw]

I feel as if life is in fast forward and it doesn’t care that im falling behind. With everything that’s happened this past year, well this past 8 years, specifically this past year tho I finally feel like Im struggling to stand up. Although I may not be completely up, ive been sitting for so long and all I can do now is acknowledge the fact that im trying to stand up and im taking steps to better myself. Im so much better and stronger than I was almost exactly a year ago. I refuse to ever go back to that person I was a year ago. I refuse to spend another birthday in the hospital. I refuse to let myself ever feel like death was the only option for me. Although its hard for me to see most of the time there is more to live for. Im a dweller and I cant do anything other than try to change my thinking patterns. It comes in waves sometimes I can control my negative disortions but most of the time i have what It seems like little to no control. I catastrophize, that’s all ive ever known and it’s a hard habit it break. Lately ive been feeling very defeated. Ive never don’t this bad in school, its very overwhelming. I bit off way more than I can chew and im suffering all around because of it. I wish I did the two semester option. Im unsure if I want to continue with my education but I know if I don’t use this gi bill I will regret it for the rest of my life. Its just that I feel like I don’t have much left in me anymore. Ive been at war with myself for so long I don’t have much fight left and im barely managing to stay above water as it is.

Lately Ive been realizing that my parents, especially my mom, want me to stay dependent on them. They tell me that I need to grow up when they haven’t taught me to be an adult. I don’t know what they’ve taught me honestly. What type of parent I don’t want to be, what not to do, who not to marry, toxic relationships, addicition. Yes they’ve done a lot for me but I feel like they compensate for their short comings by taking care of me financially. Im trying to save and im trying to start over but my mom is making it impossible and making so that I have to be dependent on them. She wants me to grow up but yet ive come to realize that shes the reason im stagnant financially, emotionally and mentally. I felt so stuck for such a long time until I got in this relationship. Ive learned more about life and how to approach situations in a healthy way in the last month and a half than my parents or my ex ever taught me. Im very happy but I don’t want to let myself become dependent on anyone for anything so I know a part of me will always have some sort of wall up and honestly I don’t know if that’s okay. I’m finding that as an adult im learning and trying to teach myself what a healthy relationship is romantically and familial. Im barely learning boundaries and self worth and self respect and all of that. It’s a hard concept to grasp when you’ve just been introduced to it. I stopped going to therapy because I have 0 time in school but I think that in the time I did go I made a lot of progress.

One thing that ive come to learn is that you really have to put yourself, your emotions, and your boundaries first. For so long I let brandon be the end all be all, wouldn’t live without him sort of thing. Idk how I came to finally realize that I needed to put myself first but im glad I burned him out, poor girl is still with him after he almost choked her to death but that’s not my problem anymore. I never thought id live through that and now I will never go back. I will never let myself get treated that way nor will I ever allow someone to disrespect me in the ways Ive come to think was a normal part of a relationship.

Being with the man im with now is a whole new world. I honestly didn’t think that being treated with respect and compassion and admiration was a thing anymore, and that’s 100% truth. It makes me feel validated about myself when everyone around me always pointed out the negative characteristics about myself. Somehow I feel as if im going to ruin it eventually but that may be just me catastrophizing. For the first few weeks we started talking I was extremely depressed and often would cry in my room and almost broke it off with him because when I get in those mindsets I believe what everyone has told me, even lexi told me im negative and no one wants to be around me (we haven’t hung out since). I truly thought I was doing him more harm than good and that theres no way I can help him grow as a person. It took me a while to get out of those thoughts. I straight up thought he’d run when I told him about my depression, he doesn’t know the severity, I don’t think ill ever express to anyone how severe it is at times except to dina who knows how it is. But im glad that people don’t understand how severe it is and how everything could be going right and you can still feel like dying. Idk I guess I’m just learning how to look at things more positively. He knows a glimpse of how fucked up I am and how damaged I am and still supports me. Idk just shocking to me that youd want to stick around someone who has all these problems. Maybe im being too hard on myself but whatever. Lately ive been focusing on positive emotions rather than ruminating on the negative feelings which has made a difference.

I stopped taking ambien. I crashed my car while I was really fucked up off ambien and well that was a wake up call. Don’t remember anything that happened after the crash. I don’t want to be dependent on drugs to do a simple task like sleep. I think ill be on medication for the rest of my life, I might with this cyst, idk what it is and I skipped my appointment. Partly because I don’t want to know whats wrong, and partly because If I need surgery my mom would make me go in right away and I cant afford to go with school. Hopefully its just a pill to shrink it.

Im stressing about these finals coming up, I haven’t even faced all the stress im supposed to be feeling head on because honestly I don’t care anymore. Theres not much fight left in me. Like I said ive been at war with myself for so long it gets exhausting. I don’t think itll ever get easier you just learn how to cope more efficiently.

 Growing up, having the problems that ive had, struggling mentally the way I know, ive honestly never believed I would have a family or get a career or get married. Partly because I was in a toxic relationship and knew he could never offer those things to me and he made me anti everything and partly because I saw how fucked up my parents relationship is and how badd they fucked up me and my sibilings. I never thought id live past 25. For the first time in my life I can see myself getting married and having kids and living a normal life. I have dreams about it all the time. It’s the strangest sensation . maybe because im in a better place, the best place ive ever been, or maybe because someone has actually showed me that im loveable and to believe that im an okay person. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above. All I know is whatever im doing is working and its not smooth sailings from here, not even close, and the work will never stop that itll all come together one day and work out for the better. Some days I want to quit but idk I just feel like its time I stop giving up and strive to do something better, make someones life better, or even day better.

  Haven’t written in like a month and this is the longest post ive ever written. So grammatically incorrect and painful but oh whale.

Will try to write again soooon.  

  Doing a walk to promote suicide awareness with my sister. It means a lot that she is doing this, shes the one who brought it to my attention actually. Im glad that shes walking with me and not for me.