#maybe im being overdramatic but im regretting my choices

[lovevalley45]

whoever said ‘the only train leaving this town should come at 4 am’ is a monster. it’s like the devil’s time. bc u think oh it’s not too bad to wait until 4 am to not worry abt sleeping thru my train coming. that’s the devil talking. i am going to get in the car from the train and be dead immediately

[bellamyblakru]

recently followed and have been reading all your fics- can I request the bad things bingo “reopening an old wound” with Arthur being too tough to stay in bed like gaius said and Merlin taking care of him 🥺

HELLO OMG. this is so kind🥺thank you for following and reading my fics!! it truly means a lot to me🥺💞 i hope this doesn’t disappoint!! (also you sent this like over a week ago ajsmaja im so sorry it took me so long. i wrote this instead of sleeping tonight just for you😌🙌🏻)

here it is on ao3 and down below!! thank you so much again🥺

Merlin was going to strap Arthur to his bed—and not in the fun way. The dollophead was just so adamant in joining this stupid tournament he was hosting for the dignitaries that came from Nemeth.

“Merlin,” Arthur drawled out in that totally-not-endearing-way he does, “we’ve been over this! I must participate. I am King for a reason! I cannot back down. How would I look to them? Cowardly?” He scoffed at Merlin, who was scowling at the fireplace to refrain from magicking the king to another land for the entirety of the tournament.

“Stop that.” Arthur demanded, coming to sit down next to Merlin.

“I didn’t do anything.”

Arthur huffed, “You’re thinking about doing something illegal to get me out of this.”

Merlin frowned, “No. I wasn’t.”

“Hmhmm,” Arthur sang in disbelief, “I’m sure.”

Merlin sighed in defeat, “Arthur, you just started healing from the hunting accident and you know Gaius will be crossed that you directly went against his advice to stay in bed.”

Arthur folded his arms against his chest, “I’m not scared of going against Gaius, Merlin.”

Merlin smirked, “Now who’s lying?”

Arthur slumped against the front of the chair, “Alright, Gaius can be scary. But I’ve already made up my mind. And if anything does happen to me, you’ll be there anyways, right? What’s to worry about?”

Merlin conceded to that, “Fine, but just know I’ll be mad the entire time.”

Arthur let out a light laugh, placing his hand on Merlin’s shoulder, “I can live with that.”

Merlin fake scowled at him, making Arthur laugh again, so, just because he could, he magicked a pillow to hit the King’s face—this led to a very dignified pillow fight that both will profusely refuse happened later.

~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur wouldn’t say he regretted participating per se, but when his shoulder started pounding and, if he looked at it for longer than three seconds, blood may be seeping through his tunic, he can’t really say he was happy with his early choices.

Not that he would tell Merlin this, of course, who was giving him a waterskin with narrowed eyes.

“Arthur.”

“Hmm?” Arthur was staring at the two men fighting in the arena, each wielding quarterstaffs, who were amateur fighters at best.

“You’re favoring your right side, did you know that?”

Arthur’s head snapped to Merlin, “What? No I’m not.”

Merlin scowled at him, “You’re lying!”

Arthur pouted, “No I’m not.”

Merlin gasped, pointing a finger in his chest, “You’re doing it again! Arthur, you have some tells, you know.”

Arthur swatted away the finger, “No I don’t.”

Merlin, the idiot, laughed, “No? You always raise your eyebrows a bit when you lie, sire , and I know this for a fact.”

Arthur frowned, he thought he grew out of that, “No one can ever tell! I have to lie all the time in court and no one ever calls me out!”

Merlin sighed, rather dramatically, “Arthur, they also didn’t spend every godforsaken second for years memorizing your emotions as I did.”

Arthur tilted his head, contemplating that, “Why did you do that?”

That took Merlin off guard, which Arthur had hoped for, giving his servant a sly smile, as Merlin went violently red, a flush coming up from his neck to his ears, “What else was I supposed to do? I look at your face for the majority of the day, Arthur. I’m sure you know all my tells as well.”

Arthur hummed nonchalantly, “Whatever you say, Merlin.”

He did know all of Merlin’s mannerisms and what they meant, but he wasn’t going to say that nor was that his goal here.

Merlin shook his head, the momentarily forgotten anger returning, “That wasn’t the point! You’re hurt!”

At the same time Arthur opened his mouth to lie again, he was called out for his next match. That was his goal—to distract the mother hen of a servant until it was too late.

With a what can you do? shrug, that made Merlin frown more, Arthur quickly spun and walked onto the field, ignoring the burning stare of his worried warlock at his back.

~~~~~~~~~~

Merlin groaned as Arthur won the match, again. The idiot was hurting himself. Merlin could tell by the subtle weight changes to his right side, the way his smile didn’t reach his eyes, the way he paled slightly when Gwaine slapped him on the shoulder in congratulations.

He couldn’t believe this was the man he fell in love with. Destiny was a cruel thing indeed.

Merlin watched as Arthur let himself be manhandled by his knights, and Merlin couldn’t help but realize that put the entire gaggle of men in armor between them. Merlin narrowed his eyes at the rather clever tactic by his king.

As if sensing his disappointing glare, Arthur’s eyes found his. At least this time Arthur looked marginally apologetic, but not enough for Merlin’s taste. Was it really so bad that Merlin actually cared for Arthur’s well-being more than a stupid tournament?

He couldn’t fathom this. How was hitting people worth the pain Arthur must be in? Merlin grimaced when Leon slung his arm over the king, who imperceptibly winced at the movement.

When the next round called up, Merlin wanted to slam his head against the fence. Arthur was going against a sorcerer this round, because apparently the Merlin didn’t have enough to worry about as it was.

The sorcerer bounced on her heels, smiling at the king. Arthur smiled back, if not a little perplexed at the bubbly nature of the woman, and they shook hands.

Maybe this won’t go horribly wrong?

But when it began, Merlin recanted his statement vehemently. Of course it would go horribly wrong, it was Arthur he was talking about.

When the woman swung her quarterstaff at Arthur’s injured shoulder with her eyes glowing, Merlin jumped out of his seat. He ran into the field the second the staff hit its mark: Arthur went even more pale, and with a loud pained gasp, let go of his sword, landing roughly on his knees, grasping his shoulder.

Merlin didn’t hesitate. He took a stance between his king and the sorcerer, making Arthur’s blade fly into his own hand.

“Sorry, this ends now,” and with a swing of his sword, his eyes glowing the deepest golden, he attacked. Relentless, hurried, and cursing, Merlin had the woman at sword point in the matter of seconds—without breaking a sweat.

The woman’s eyes widened at the sword, hastily backing away with “I yield, my lord.”

Merlin wasn’t a lord, but he didn’t care to correct her as he handed the sword to Lance and went to Arthur’s side.

“That was a little overdramatic, don’t you think?” Arthur sighed out, pain clearly seen on his face, trying to make eye contact with Merlin.

Merlin grumbled, “Not remotely enough.”

Arthur let out a breathless, and delirious, laugh, “I think I’m bleeding out.”

And before anyone came closer, Merlin’s magic flared up.

The second he looked up, he realized that his magic brought them to Arthur’s chambers. With a small sigh of relief, Merlin made all the armor fall off and lifted Arthur’s tunic from over his head gently—hissing at the reopened wound pouring out blood.

“Arthur! You should have said something,” Merlin scolded, placing his hands of the opening and imagining the skin stitching itself back together—this would hold until Gaius came up and fixed Arthur himself.

Arthur looked at Merlin through clouded eyes, smiling softly, “Yeah, but what’s the fun in that?”

Merlin couldn’t help but soften at the look on Arthur’s face, “Careful, sire, keep looking at me like that and one could think you were besotted.”

Arthur murmured, “Indeed.”

Merlin was about to say something, not knowing what it would be, when Gaius crashed through the room with his healing bag in tow.

“Thank gods,” Merlin pushed himself out of the way as Gaius worked, helping him move Arthur to his bed when he was all patched up once more.

Arthur was lightly sleeping when Gaius made Merlin swear to magic the king down if he tried to move at all, and when Merlin swore his life on it, the old healer left them to their own devices.

An hour or two later, Merlin still hadn’t left Arthur’s chambers. He was currently sitting besides the king, placing a cool cloth to Arthur’s forehead, running his fingers through the golden sweat-soaked hair.

Merlin was singing softly when Arthur slowly opened his eyes.

“Merlin?”

“Arthur! How do you feel?”

Arthur groaned a little, trying to sit up, as he answered, “Not too good, I have to say.”

Merlin snorted, “Well serves you right. I told you that this was an idiotic plan. Why did you even do it? You have nothing to prove.”

Arthur was quiet for a minute as Merlin placed more pillows under him to make the king more comfortable, “I have everything to prove.”

Merlin sat back, confused, “To who? Camelot already adores you Arthur, and you’ve only been king for less than a year!”

Arthur sighed, leaning his head back, “To you, to myself, to my knights.”

At Merlin’s continued confused silence, Arthur made himself look at him, “To my knights, to show them that I can persevere. To myself, since this was the first tournament as King. And, to you, to show you that your devotion was worth it. That I was worth it.”

Merlin gaped, “Arthur! You have nothing to prove to me. Ever.” but when Arthur scoffed and looked away, Merlin lightly grabbed Arthur’s face and turned it to make Arthur see the truth written in Merlin’s eyes.

“Arthur, you are my king, now and always. I chose you because I knew that you are everything beautiful in this world. I give you my magic, my heart, and my life, because I know, in my soul, that you are the best person I will ever know. I never doubt my devotion to you because you prove time and time again how worthy you are of every title you bear. You are not only the best King to grace this land, but you are the very best of us. I know you, Arthur Pendragon, inside and out—so, please, never doubt your worth to me.”

Merlin lightly rubbed the tear off Arthur’s face that had slipped out, and Merlin muttered, “And if you ever try to fight with a recently closed wound again, after I specifically tell you not to, then I will find a way to strap you here and never let you leave my sight again.”

Arthur let out a small wet laugh at that, grabbing Merlin’s wrist. And while rubbing small circles there, that had Merlin’s pulse quickening, “I don’t know,” Arthur whispered, “when you defended me like that on the field, it was quite attractive. I would have appreciated it more if I hadn’t been bleeding out and delirious.”

Merlin laughed under his breath, “I should apologize to her, huh?”

Arthur shrugged his good shoulder, “You can after.”

Merlin quirked an eyebrow, “After what?”

Arthur gave a playful smile as he pulled Merlin into a kiss by his neckerchief. Merlin gasped, quickly reciprocating, a small smile forming at his lips.

And when they pulled back, foreheads resting on each other, Arthur quietly breathed out, “I love you too.”

[moonbelt]

»crush on you

↳ best-friends to lovers au

pairing » jeon jungkook | reader

genre » soft angst + fluff + sexual themes

word count » 9.465

» maybe falling in love with your best friend wasn’t the greatest idea you’ve ever had and that’s perfectly fine. the only problem here is that he’s dating someone else. someone who, by all physical and emotional analyses, is not you.

authors note » uh, the rumors are true. im in love with best friends secretly pining over eachother aus

From the get-go, you always knew you were fucked. It would've been hard not to realize that. Not when you've been attached to him by the hip for the majority of all your life. In fact, you were set on the course of being his best friend years before either of you were born. It was just one of those things you had no control over. Try as you might — although you didn't really try, more like attempted, to sever your bond with him, fate had bigger plans.

It seems that in your life, there are always things you can't control playing a bigger role than you would like them to. You guess the same goes for everyone else, but the point still stands.

You see, everyone has that one person. That particular person that you'll divide the earth for if given the strength and situation. The only problem with you is that your person isn't supposed to be your person. And no matter how hard you ingrain it in your head, it never seems to stick. He calls at three in the morning and your ass is driving all the way over to comfort his heartbroken-self. You guess that's where your problem lies. Your incapability to stop your feelings from deterring from best-friend into lover territory.

Anyways, there are always bigger things at work. Things you can't control or understand. Things like your friend, Joni, getting dumped for the third time this year. Joni had called; crying, burping, all the works and you'd been blindsided on how to console her.

By now you should be used to heartbreaks. Really, you should. But it's hard to mourn for a relationship that never quite started. And that's exactly how your crush on Jungkook feels like. It's a just a stupid, stupid, stupid crush that you need to get over. The same way Joni gets over her exes within a two-week time period. You need that type of resilience. No, you crave it. But it always seems to escape your grasp. No matter how hard you try to find it.

You're not really the best candidate to console your friend and maybe Jungkook knows this, the same way he seems to know everything about you, because he suggests the two of you attend some friend of a friend's house party. It didn't take up to a second for Joni to agree. And wherever Joni goes, you follow. It's a weird dynamic the three of you have going on. But it works and that's all that matters anyway.

So, that's how you ended up sandwiched between Joni, and some other dude you couldn't be bothered about, playing drunk truth or dare. And maybe it's the alcohol that's making you weirdly masochistic, but you can't seem to keep your eyes of Jungkook and his new girlfriend, Yuan. Usually, you'll do everything in your power to prevent your eyes from seeing him and his partner together, but you don't have a choice in this situation. Not with him positioned strategically in front of you in the miniature circle. Sitting on one of the few sofas, one hand poised around Yuan's waist and the other holding a solo cup.

It's ugly; this feeling of jealousy crawling up your lungs. But you can't help it. You take one long look at your own red solo cup and after a few seconds of deliberation, you down it all in one go. Fuck it. What does it matter anyway?

"Do you want to talk about it?" You turn your attention to Joni. You realize that this isn't exactly the most ideal place to have this conversation, but you desperately need something to get your mind off Jungkook. And besides, the whole point of this party was too comfort Joni.

It takes a minute, maybe two, for Joni to look up at you. She's been chugging drinks from the keg like it's water, but she doesn't look as tipsy as she ought to be. Joni shrugs, her smooth black hair falling down her shoulders in a mess.

"He sent me a text message, you know. Saying that it's not you, it's me. I'm so sorry but I think we have to break up bullshit." Joni mutters darkly, sloshing the liquid in her cup a little before pressing on. "He said he thinks we should break up? I was thinking of wringing his neck and feeding it to his pet Bulldog for dinner."

You don't think Joni cares if anyone around the two of you hears her words. In fact, if you didn't know any better you'd think she wants them to hear. Wants the gossip to reach Henri's ears, by all means, necessary so he can know that she doesn't give a fuck, even if she kind of does.

"It's going to be alright, Jo," you manage to say.

"I guess... He didn't even tell me why." Her voice comes out low and uncharacteristically soft and it strikes a chord inside of you.

What if you tell Jungkook how you feel, and he doesn't feel the same way at all? What if there's no reason as to why he doesn't see you as anything more than a best friend? He doesn't owe you an explanation, you know that. God, you've mulled over this for times on end, but no matter how you view it; you think it would hurt you regardless. Nothing wrong on his part, obviously. Everything falls on you. No one asked you to climb up that emotional ladder, you did that all on your own and now you're having a hard time coming down.

From the side of your eye, you watch as Joni throws back the remaining contents of her concocted drink down her throat, coughing up lightly as an aftermath.

"You've gotta slow down, Jo," you shoot her small smile.

She sends you a dark look and you promptly shut up, not knowing what else to say. Of course, this isn't Joni's first breakup or your first consolation attempt. However, no matter how many times it happens, you never know what to say to help her.

"I just," her voice falls flat. "I just thought that we were okay; that everything was fine."

You don't say anything, just observe as Jo hunches her shoulders deeper into herself and places her head in her hands. "I don't know if I fucked up, or maybe it was him. I just don't—"

"Hey," you nudge a little bit closer to her side. "It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter who fucked up. If he couldn't work it out with you, then it doesn't concern you anymore."

Joni lets a few tears slip past but doesn't make any sound other than the laughter she allows escape her lips. "You still suck at consolidations," she so expertly points out.

You shrug, chuckling along with her. "Yeah, well. I do my best."

You sit in silence for god knows how many more minutes. You wonder if anyone around you is paying the two of you any attention. Apart from the occasional glance from Jungkook, no one really has given either of you the light of day. You're sort of grateful for that. But then the bottle is landing neon-blazing on Jungkook and most people are hooting. And then you're suddenly more interested in the game than you've been all night.

Taehyung is clapping his hands maniacally. Everyone knows Jungkook never picks truth, always dare. And you can tell from the crazy glint in Tae's eyes that he has some shit up his sleeve. And Jungkook would do it. Hard liquor has a great improvement on his already highly competitive streak; again, another fact that your nimble set of friends all know too well.

"Okay, okay, this is an easy one," Taehyung starts. "I dare you to striptease and lap dance Yuan. You can't say no."

Maybe if you were humanly capable of doing so, your eyes would fall off from their sockets. But they can't do that. So, you're left with your eyes widening so far apart that they must appear to be somewhat comical to the nearby onlooker. Fuck Taehyung for even suggesting it. And fuck yourself for being so affected by something that has nothing to do with you.

Joni pokes you in the ribs with her elbow. "Bet you wish you were dating him now."

For the first time in a long time, you regret letting her know of your not-so-subtle crush on your best friend. But really, who are you kidding? Anyone with eyes could probably dissect your feelings for the brown-haired boy within a one-mile radius. Everyone apart from Jungkook that is. Because although he's not dumb, he's not the best at catching hints. Not that you're throwing any. You can't set yourself up for that type of heartbreak.

For someone who has had her heart broken more times than your feet and fingers added together, Joni sure doesn't act like it. She's always like, "c'mon, [y/n]. Get a boyfriend, let's wail around together in sorrow."

You stare at Jungkook apprehensively, a little part of your heart caving in. "Yeah, like that's happening any time soon."

Not to be self-degrading or anything like that but, you're not the type of girl that boys dated. Apparently, you are the type that boys best-friended. And Jeon Jungkook is proof of that.

He's grinning now, not at you, but at Yuan. Not the type of smirks he gives you, no of course not. The one he has beautifying his face is confident and sexy and purely reserved for the people he dates or smashes, not his friends. You would know that. You are happy for him though, truly you are, you swear on it. And if anyone ever told him otherwise, you'll deny, deny and deny it to your grave. That kind of embarrassment has no place in your memory bank.

"Hey, do you need another refill?" You all but jump to ask Joni.

But she knows what you're doing and maybe by some grace from above, she follows through with your plan. "Guess I do now."

You rise up from your position in the corner and all but run out of that living room. You'd rather decay on the spot than witness what's about to go down in that room.

Okay, maybe you're being a tad bit overdramatic but that's to be expected. How the fuck are you supposed to watch him strip out of his navy-blue tee shirt — the one you've always liked — and release his God-chiseled body unto the world? Christ, even if you had absolutely no feelings for him, you'd still be affected. Bodies like his could do that to a person. And if you were any other person, you'd be sporting a glowering nosebleed to match. But you're having a righteous battle with your morals and the only blood you spill is the one from ferociously biting your lower lip.

Against your will and better judgment, the tips of your ears heat up the more you think about it. Shit, stop! You yell at yourself. But your mind has a way of spinning out of control before you can even begin to reign it in. And now you're imagining him bare-chested, lowering himself on you as he proceeds to give a lap dance. But then your imaginative process is stopped by the visage of Yuan being on the receiving end of this act. Fuck, what are you even doing? Day-dreaming about your best friend? Pathetic, honestly.

You sigh to yourself as you finally reach one of the keg stations placed in the kitchen, grabbing two cups and sloppily filling them up to the brim. You take one large gulp out of yours, hoping that your drunken self can get through this night unscathed. Maybe when this party is over you'll be able to sleep away all your emotions. A naïve standpoint, but at this point what else can go wrong?

You head back to the cluster of people who are now clapping uncoordinatedly and egging Jungkook on. You thought he would be finished by now but oh boy, does he take his time. One arm is strategically placed behind his girlfriend's head while his body sensuously grinds across her seated form. His waist is moving at sensual paces you never even knew existed out of the confines of your private collection.

Fucking fuck shit. With his shirt off you can see every taut muscle and ridge of his torso as they move and lock into place. Your brain malfunctions for another ungodly moment and your memory goes back to a time when you and him used to lay flat on his bed as you whispered about secret promises of your future. And how he had vowed to be the best at anything, as long as it was something he wanted. For some reason, you feel like you're impeding on this moment. But it's so... what's the word? Sexy? No, it's more than that. It's like he's showing these boys how it's fucking done.

Your cheeks are one degree away from heating off to the death. And you swear, you can hear how loud your heart is beating; it's too loud. You can bet on your life that everyone, in this suddenly too small room, can hear it too. Luckily for you, or maybe not since a part of you still wants to watch him continue his expertise, he comes to a stop by connecting his lips to Yuan's. That's it. The show's over [y/n], you can look away now.

Handing the drink in Joni's general direction, you hope she'll realize that you're too tongue-tied to talk at the moment. Your brain needs some minutes to clear and think about other things that do not relate to fuck, smash or grind. Think about the cats! Yes, you should think about cute cats and nothing about the boy in front of you who has now pulled his shirt back on again. Crazy how when you decide to stop thinking about him, your mind begins to function on overdrive.

You push yourself down to retake your seat in the circle, praying that no one calls you out on your sudden quietness. But as always — especially with these type of things, someone does.

Taehyung, master of parties and a friend who really never knows when to not engage. "[y/n]! You haven't been asked to do anything, have you?"

No, you haven't. "What? Really?" You feign ignorance. There's no fucking way you're going on after Jungkook. That's like going after Beyoncé at an awards show — suicide.

"Yep," Tae's all smiles. In any other situation, you'd smile along with him, but now? Not so much. You have the uncanny urge to push him into an empty well, just so he can cry for your help to get him out. "I nominate [y/n] for the next round. Who agrees?"

You'd have to be hard-of-sight or just plain dumb to disagree with Taehyung — most of the time — and at his party no less. Several hands rise up, including Joni's. You shoot her an incredulous look.

"How dare you?"

"What? Maybe they'll dare you to kiss someone or something. God knows your lips are gonna crack into ash at this rate."

That is so not true. You can vouch for it, but you don't have the opportunity or time to fight Joni on it. Because Taehyung is grinning at you, knowing he has won and for it's worth, you're not going to back down now. Not in front of everyone like some coward. You bite your tongue as you raise your eyebrow at him; hit me with your worst shot, you seem to say. Even if all you want to do is crawl into a hole and sleep for eternity.

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth." You answer because that's your safest bet with Taehyung.

He spins the bottle and your heart drops ten feet into your chest when it lands on Yoongi, a senior you deem too cool to hang out with, even if he is one of Jungkook's closest friends. You just always end up feeling too self-conscious when you're around him. Like one small move and you'll embarrass yourself to your grave. You tried to follow him on Twitter once, but his posts were too stark a difference from your shit-posting idiosyncrasies so, you refrained. And now you don't know how you'll live down humiliating yourself in front of one of the Music departments gifted prodigies.

Yoongi looks disinterested in this whole game, as he should. What band of college students still plays middle school shit like this? But he runs a hand through his hair, looking up from his watch to land on you. Nervously, you bite your lower lip. Maybe he'll ask you a simple question like who's the person you like or something.

Okay, wait, hold on. Back the fu—

"So, who do you like?"

You know that particular feeling you get when you slam your knee on the edge of a corner? That's... that's what this is. It's like putting your foot in your mouth and forcing yourself to do something about it. You can't believe you're in this stupid predicament. Simple? What, in the name of all that is good, is simple about this? Joni wrings her fingers together nervously as you try to steel your heartbeat. You don't have the liberty of fucking up here.

Looking around, you see that everyone is staring directly at you. Even though you skipped over Jungkook, you can feel his eyes penetrating through you. Shit, you've never been the most excellent liar. Save for the occasional omission here and there. But you know Jungkook would know if you're lying. He knows your ticks. You swallow through the lump in your chest and attempt to laugh this situation off.

"Aw, c'mon, you know there's no one."

Yoongi peaks up an eyebrow at your statement. "Oh, really?" His eyes dart ever so slightly to Jungkook's direction and you panic. You're not sure if its willingly or not, but your heart picks up so fast to a rate you never thought could be possible.

You can't throw yourself under the bus right in front of his girlfriend. What kind of friend does that? That's the height of assholery and you would never stoop down that low. But by the looks on Yoongi and Taehyung's face, you know they're not going to let this fade. Taehyung lives for drama. Yoongi, you're not sure, but he must be able to tell that there's something you're hiding.

You're painstakingly avoiding Jungkook's gaze. Maybe if he doesn't look into your eyes he wouldn't be able to tell you're lying. You do your best to subtly shake your head, so your hair falls like a barricade between the two of you.

"I mean, there is someone, but they go to a different school, you won't know them."

"What, really?" The voice to say this is heart-shattering familiar because it belongs to him. Before you can stop yourself, you're raising your head up and staring deep into his eyes. He looks rightfully confused. "None of us know them? Even me?"

Especially you. "Yeah, well, we met on Tinder," you mutter, pulling your focus from him and instead, find a savior in the half-full cup in your hand.

That seems to do it, and everyone lets you slide but you feel his eyes still lingering on you. Of course, he knows something is up. Maybe this party was a bad idea from the start. You could've been alone in your room, eating pizza for dinner and binge-watching Netflix all the while sending the occasional text to Jungkook. You don't like hanging out with him when he has a girlfriend on his arm. It's weird and more often than not, they scream bloody murder when they find out you and Jungkook have been friends since you were in diapers.

Yeah, not all his girlfriend's act like this, there have been a few that didn't really care either way. But you don't blame those that feel wary at all. Not when the feelings bubbling in your chest are anything but simply platonic. The only person on this goddamn earth that can't decipher your intentions is him. His ex-partners could tell, and they gave him shit for it. But "[y/n]'s my best friend; we don't love each other like that," is a sentence you never knew you'd hear too many times in one lifetime. It's a phrase you didn't realize you could despise with so much contempt.

You're thrown back to one time in fifth grade when the first beginnings of this cruise of crushing on Jungkook had begun. You'd just agreed to follow him to the swamp at the back of his house, which he had conveniently named 'G.U.K Swamp.' It had been a stupid decision on your part to tag along with him, but at that time you would have done anything to be within a five-meter radius of Jungkook. Granted at this point in life, you'd still be willing to do the same.

"So, we go in and then we come out. It's easy peasy, [y/n]," a younger Jungkook chanted to relieve the edging nerves on your back. You'd been one second away from backing away from this whole ordeal.

Jungkook is a tadpole species collector. Unlike most of the boys in town, he never really grew out of it. He hit puberty—became the most good-looking, strongly built yet a somewhat soft-spoken boy in your entire town—but still collected tadpoles. However, for his benefit, and maybe yours? You'd like to expatiate on the fact that this was in the fifth grade. He had not hit puberty yet.

"It's green, Kook," you painfully observed. "And I'm wearing white shorts. You told me we were going fly-catching."

Because fly-catching is a thing in your town, population; five thousand and a half. And to be honest, you personally preferred fly-catching to chasing tadpoles. Maybe that should've been a sign that Jungkook and you were not meant to be because now he collects tadpoles with the help of his girlfriends. Although, more than half the time they go together, they just end up snogging each other's faces off.

Jungkook grinned slyly at you. "Hey, hey. A person is allowed to change his mind. Also, I've never shown you what I want to do for a living, best friend."

That should've been another sign from heaven that you may never be able to fully immerse yourself out of the confines of the best friend role. But what did silly young you do?

"Well, carry on, best friend."

You sealed your own grave right there. Sometimes you wish you didn't do it but then again, maybe fate was trying to tell you that being a best friend was all you could ever get. You've never complained aloud though, it wasn't like being his best friend was a bad thing. He is bone-splitting funny, he listens, he likes to hang out with you, he lets you win in Mario Kart when he's in particularly generous moods, he rarely — if ever — judges people. So, if being a best friend was the kind of love you got — you decided you would be the best best-friend he could ever have.

But that is a whole different take on your current situation. That was back then when all your diagnosis had been was a couple of heart spazzes here and there, or that fake marriage the two of you conducted that your parents never let you live down. Now, your prognosis has escalated. One long, smoldering look from him and your insides have been reduced to something akin to dust. According to WebMD's symptom tracker, you're one look away from a sizzling death.

Okay but seriously, there'd always been something about Jungkook that dragged you in. His soft laughs, his loud ones, the little crinkle at the edges of his eyes when he guffaws so hard you think he might die. His consideration, his knack for always seeming to know what the heck is up with you even when sometimes you don't know yourself. He'd always been such a constant in your life that it quite literally shakes you off your axis now that you realize that you might never ever be together.

Ah, you should stop thinking about this before you blow a major blood vessel. You should be content and stop reaching for things that are clearly out of your grasp. You should at least know your own limits and when to quit.

You spend the rest of the night on the bridge between sulking and scowling, suddenly pissed off by these turn of events. Maybe it's time to head home. The more time you spend in Jungkook's presence, the more you're reminded of the things you can't have. And the problem is that you're not even angry at the ridiculousness of your situation. You're angry at yourself.

You know better than to fall in love with a best friend. You've read the stories, watched the movies. Christ, Joni had her heart crushed by her own best friend. You knew all of this and yet that did nothing to stop you. It's not like Jungkook sent you explicit signals either. Everything is always so natural with him. It flows within your interactions like fire, but you seem to be the only one reading it that way. Fuck, now you're re-envisioning his smile. Really, his smile ought to be framed and put away somewhere for bad days. But the problem you see with that is it would do him a great injustice. He isn't someone you could ever hide. If you have him, you'll show him to everyone.

His goodnight and good morning texts, his occasional habit of coercing you into hanging out three hours at an arcade, his ability to elevate you from your darkest of moods. He's way better at consoling you than you are at consoling Joni. You wish he could console you on this though. But how in the heck is he supposed to do that when he doesn't even know how crushing it is to see him with person after person? It's not like you go around broadcasting your love life or lack thereof. Christ, maybe you should get laid. Yeah, let's blame all these growing emotions on your libido.

You take the final sip from your drink before discarding the empty cup somewhere on the floor. You need to get out of this house before you do something you'd regret when you're sober. Your eyes scan the room and land on Jungkook's. He's staring at you intently when a stupid thought fleets through your head. What would happen if I walked up there and crashed my lips on his? But then your gaze pushes past him to Yuan and you come back to your senses. You have a better class than this, you'd like to think. You can't jeopardize your best friend's happiness because of your selfish reasons. You grunt, standing up from your crouched position.

If you were a little bit below the bar of worst-best-friend-ever, you'd be wishing for Yuan and Jungkook to break up already. But Jungkook really cares about her. They've been dating for... two weeks! You're not counting, of course not, but you pay more attention to him than you like to admit.

"I think I'm going to head home," you finally say when you find Joni pressed up against some girl you can't remember. "You good?" You don't want to be a block to her sexual advances but at the same time, you don't want to leave her alone unless she says so.

She waves your concerns away, offering you an intoxicated smile. "I'm fine, thanks for asking. Maybe you can get Jungkook to take you home?"

You give an uncommitted sound to her suggestion. You can't possibly ask him that. Best friend or not, he came to this party with his girlfriend. What kind of fool would disrupt that? You know your limits; however low they may be.

Pushing yourself through the crowd, you don't expect to come face to face with the one person you least anticipate. Jungkook swallows the front of the door, shoulders wide and eyes clear with purpose. You can tell that he has finally figured something is up. And although your luck is batshit whack, you pray that he doesn't ask you anything too serious. You don't have the skills or energy to continue this farce of not being hopelessly and infallibly in love with him. Frankly, it's a tiring game and you're not sure why you keep playing.

If you had the body for it, you'd push past him and mutter to yourself all the way home. But you don't. And your heart gets significantly weaker when you're around him. He could ask you for anything within — and sometimes above — reason and you'd follow him like the sometimes-dumb fool you are. You clear your throat as you brace your arms around your chest, using them as some kind of anchor to reality. Jungkook and his gentle, dark eyes can make you want anything. But you're not supposed to want more than what you already have. You should be content and happy with your place in the world, but you are not. And here folks is your modern-day dilemma.

"You're avoiding me," he doesn't ask.

"No, I'm not." Even you don't quite believe yourself.

He scoffs, a somewhat incredulous noise escaping his throat as he rolls his eyes a little. "You're a terrible liar, [y/n]."

And maybe you're also a terrible person because your heart shouldn't stop and palpitate at your name falling from his lips. This isn't the first time he's said your name, so why? Why must you fall in so deep that his voice has become a one-way ticket trip to mind-blubbering madness? Where in the world did you go so wrong? Now you can't even stand within one centimeter of him without feeling his body heat in places you never knew you could feel to that degree. Words? You don't know her. You seem to magically transform into an incoherent fool every time you come in contact with him these days.

You clear your throat, desperately trying to change the subject to something — anything — else. "Don't you have to be with someone else?" You force on an air of nonchalance, hoping your one semester of theater finally pays off.

Jungkook shrugs. "Yuan drove here."

Guess that explains it. Yuan lives on the other side of town unlike Jungkook and you who live about fifteen minutes away from where the party is being held at. A blessing for you because all you want to do now is crash on your bed and forget this night ever happened. Burn away the memories of Jungkook and Yuan as drunken hallucinations.

"Oh."

"Want me to walk you home?"

Against your better judgment, you agree. "Sure."

You and Jungkook haven't hung out close like this in weeks. He gets a partner and you make the conscious decision to alter your activities. You can't deal with extra drama this semester and besides, you thought the distance would be able to sever your feelings in half. You can confidently say that your actions were pure bullshit. Remove your feelings? You laugh to yourself. If only things were that easy.

Once the two of you are outside, you refrain from slipping your hands into his. Long ago (possibly not, maybe you're just being overdramatic) you used to be able to hold hands with him without overthinking it. Or maybe it was because everything was so platonic back then and now you can't hold his hands without smiling like an idiot. You also don't want to paint your best friend as a cheater. For the longest time, your actions along with his pushed off the implication that the two of you were dating. And before it never particularly bothered you. But then he gets into relationships and well...

"So," Jungkook is the one to break the silence. "This person of yours, how much do you like them?"

You raise your eyebrows jokingly. "What? Jealous?"

This is what the masses call burning yourself alive, isn't it? You wish you had a filter when it comes to these things but you're still learning the ins and outs of pretending not be that invested in someone and most importantly, not letting it show.

"More like confused as to why you didn't tell me at first. You've seriously been avoiding me, huh?"

Little by little, it hits you how awkward this situation must have been for him. Someone you're so close to suddenly pulling off all contact. Usually, you'll at least text him about your whereabouts without ever meeting up with him physically. But he and Yuan felt different... and it hurt you too much to watch them do all the things you wished you could do. It also didn't help that you set yourself on the path to erasing these emotions in your chest, however unachieved it may be.

You turn to look at him now. Fuck, why does it always look like the sun is swimming in his eyes? Like you could bathe in all its entirety and still never get tired of it. You've always liked his eyes the most. Always expressive. He's never been good at concealing his feelings and when he tries to, his eyes always give him away. You smile at that. You've always thought that to be oddly endearing.

"I've... just been realizing things, I guess," you offer a reply meekly, not sure what to say but a hundred percent certain you can't scream, "I am in fucking love with you," in his face.

"Can I help?"

"Yeah, stop being so cute. I might fall deeper in love with you."

For a second the two of you are slowed in time. If your heart wasn't overthrowing every other organ in your body, you would have thought you were frozen. But shit, you can feel the multitude of sweat that has now lined up on your brows and the impending heart attack about to collide with your chest.

fuckdamnshit.

I-is it possible to reverse in time and stop your mouth from vomiting those godforsaken words? Jesus, you must be drunker than you thought. This isn't right at all. This isn't how you saw yourself confessing... if you ever confessed that is. You were supposed to wait for a better time. Maybe in the confines of your room, or better yet in the local park. Anywhere than the street of misfortune that led to Taehyung's house.

You're too scared to look up into the eyes that can you feel burning into the crown of your head. Maybe if you hold your breath long enough, you'll become one with air? You remember back in eighth grade, you and Jungkook had a competition to decide who can last the longest without gasping for air in the pool. You lasted approximately three seconds if your memory serves correctly. Maybe if —

"[y/n], w-would you look at me, please?"

Perhaps it's because of the sympathetic nature of his words or the little crack at the end of his voice that forces you to tilt your head up in his direction. But nothing prepares you for the painted look stricken across his face. You're fumbling to undo the damage you've caused. No, no, no, you can't — don't want to — ruin this relationship.

Yes, you love him, but you'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. Just a touch of his love is enough, you don't need that much, you swear on it. You just need to get your feelings realigned again. You can revert back to a state of platonic love. It's possible, isn't it? You're not hopeless —

"I — you know me," your voice comes out foreign, faking it is too hard this time. "I was just joking. It's nothing serious, I swear. I love you... obviously, you're my best friend, Kook. It's definitely not like what you're thinking. I wouldn't — not when you're dating Yuan and I didn't mean to —"

The only thing capable of stopping you from blabbering your whole juggled thoughts away is the tears you didn't realize to be cascading down your face like you're a damned waterfall for hire. You can't do this. Jungkook is never going to speak to you again. He didn't sign up for this. He has the girlfriend of his dreams, for crying sake. You were gunning to be the person that says the most embarrassing speech at his wedding. Now... now you're not even sure anything with him is still in the cards.

Deep, ugly, sobs wreak through your body and you're about ready to collapse on the asphalt pavement like the overdramatic person you are, when two strong arms reach forward and hold you up. Maybe it's possible to cry yourself to death? Is that a thing? You make a mental note to Google that once you get home and are no longer on the verge of becoming a howling statistic.

Imagine the headline:

LOCAL CITIZEN CRIES TO DEATH OVER A BROKEN HEART THAT HAD NO BUSINESS BEING BROKEN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

You'd be the talk of the town for years to come, finally get that famous break you religiously wanted back in high school. Jungkook had always been the popular one of your half-and-half duo. He'll probably be remembered till his own death as the one who caused great pain to the community on a humid night in the middle of September by unknowingly shattering his best friend's heart. Poor —

"[y/n]?" It's the urgency in which your name is spoken in that shakes you out of your self-induced trance. "Are you alright?"

"No, not really." Your sobs have quieted down to miniature sniffling and suddenly you're embarrassed by your prior meltdown. Maybe you should've waited till you got home.

"Did you hear anything that I just said then?"

"Do I look like I was capable of doing that?"

You know you look like shit. Crying always has the power to aggravate the skin around your eyes and cheeks, that's why you tend to steer away from it. But this confrontation shook you in ways you've never known. Jungkook doesn't voice that your appearance is absolutely horrible. Instead, a lithe smile makes its way onto his face from your jab.

There's this urge to cry again. Just to let it all out at this point. But you take the fact that Jungkook hasn't run off on you as a good sign. Maybe he wants to give you space to get your head above water. Because you're sure he would never feel the same way about you. You've never even danced with the thought of him reciprocating your feelings. Him and you, although two halves of a coin, are not as compatible as you thought. You are nothing like the people he dates and that's your scientific discovery of the year.

His smile does something to relieve the vice around your chest. "I think you have something wrong and it's all my fault."

You cock your head to the side, your body senses heightened to the feeling of his hands still helping you stand up, clasped around your forearms. "And what's that?"

"It's about Yuan."

"And?"

"Well, uh, she isn't my girlfriend per se," he detonates the weapon directly into your chest. "We were, um, fake dating."

You shouldn't, by any standards, feel this elated by his words. You should be mad, absolutely furious. How could he lie to you about something so important, or what you thought was important to him? You should be angry that you spent the last weeks, months, fuck — years, running circles in your mind and he was fake dating? A ruse? But for what? Jungkook can get anyone he ever set his eyes on.

One look from him and all the underwear is coming off. You'd never been on the receiving end, but one whisper from him in the middle of the dark in a crowded club could make you want to go to church and confess all your sins since the tenth grade. One smile from him and your heart could — hypothetically of course, or maybe not, you haven't tested it — nut.

You gnash your lower lip as you take a step back from him and give him an obvious once-over. "But why would you do that?"

"It's a stupid and childish reason and I'm suddenly very embarrassed to say this out loud," he shuts his eyes for a moment and you imagine his insides churning in disgust maybe.

"Come forward and spit it out. Nothing is more humiliating than mistakenly confessing to the love of your life when they so obviously don't love you the same way back."

It's the alcohol, you decide, that is to blame for these turn of events. Nothing less, nothing more. If you hadn't gotten stupendously plastered this night, you wouldn't be in this situation. The both of you would have lived your lives in relative peace. But there's a tiny — teeny tiny, part of you that's grateful for this liquid courage. What better time to get your heart broken than the present?

Jungkook blinks for what seems like hours. "What do you mean by doesn't love you back?"

You cast your eyes to the ground, all previous confidence ebbing away. "You know..."

"I thought the person I liked didn't like me back. So, I made a deal with this girl from my History class to be my pretend girlfriend for jealousy."

Your mouth drops down in shock. This was just like one of those movies Jungkook used to force you to watch when you were teenagers. Horrible rom-coms that always had two blindly-in-love characters never realize they were meant to be until the last possible second. You sigh inwardly to yourself. The person that Jungkook was trying to impress is some lucky son-of-a-gun. They at least get to have him in their arms while you get... what you get, you're not sure of at the moment. But this can't be a complete loss. Maybe the stars would rearrange themselves and bring someone specially made for you into your life. Just not now perhaps.

"What about the other girls? Ashleigh, Haru, I don't remember the rest?"

He snickers at you. "One-night stands are hardly categorified as girlfriends, princess."

Princess. Fuck, he hasn't called you that since... he hasn't called you that in a whole damn year. One of his exes (well, now you're not sure) had gotten positively mad when she'd heard him use the term of endearment on someone that wasn't her. She'd thrown a whole rant about how it was stupid and lame to call someone you weren't dating "princess," and after a while, he stopped using it. You never thought a nickname, a common one no less, would be able to squeeze your heart the way this does.

"So, what about all that kissing? And the lap dance? And the way you were looking at them? Just to make this person jealous?"

Jungkook shrugs. "I wasn't sure they saw me the same way. You see, they never acted like it."

"Are you stupid? Someone would have to be ridiculously inept to not see how much a great person you are and fall in love with you anyways."

"So, are you?" He breathes out.

"What?"

You peer up at him, and for a moment neither of you say anything. In the middle of this damn street, you experience something akin to an intervention. You don't hear a sound, not a thing except the blood rushing to your head. Something happens inside you that you can't put into words properly. Maybe it's the condensed forms of magic that light up the dark night that give you some kind of armor, but the situation doesn't look as dire as before.

Jungkook visibly gulps as he finally, against your innermost wishes, let's go of your arms. "In love with me?"

"Does it matter? You're in love with someone else, aren't you? It might not be Yuan but it's not me either."

You can't identify the look stirring beneath his eyes but is that... anger? Why is he angry? He has no reason to be, at least you don't think so. But this is closure you needed. It would be easier to let go of him now —

"Of course, you would think that."

Defensive, you furrow your eyebrows. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that it's always been you," he says. "It's never been anyone else. Sure, you're always wrapped in your own head and don't really pay attention to things that don't interest you, but you've always been with me. Asking you out in eleventh grade had to be the single most trying time of my life, but you turned me down and I thought oh—"

"You asked me out as a joke!" You cry out, eyes widening at the memory.

Jungkook had come back from soccer practice and found you holed in his room working on the death-defying amount of homework you had. The two of you were ten feet deep into the woes of Advanced Government when he sprouted the question: "hey, what if we date?"

Your heart may have stopped pumping for a few seconds, but you managed to slip out, "we'll be the best duo ever."

"Right? Jimin keeps saying I should just ask you out already, but that would be weird, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, totally. What kind of best friends date each other?"

A few tensed beats passed. "So, pretend this never happened?"

It took you a second. "What were we even talking about?" Yeah, maybe you deserve an icon award for best best-friend ever because this was the sole moment your ability was tested.

But that was his attempt at asking you out? What kind of hypothetical bullshit was that? He knows you can't decipher hints unless it's written in bold neon signs in front of your eyes. You thought Jungkook was hopeless when it came to catching your hints but maybe neither of you were any good at throwing them anyway.

Jungkook's groan brings you straight back to the present, he runs a hand through his already windswept hair. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"And possibly get rejected? Do you know me at all?"

"So, you'd actually date me? I always thought you deserved better than me. Not that anyone you ever dated was any good, you always had something to say about them."

You shrug, licking your lower lip. "They weren't you."

In a blur of moments, Jungkook maneuvers closer to your body, your chest pressing impossibly against his. Everything feels oh' so beautiful and overwhelming and content and you don't know why but inside of you, you are made aware that this is it. This is the end goal. This thing that's exploding around and encompassing the two of you is something you would die for. A few seconds ago, you thought you would be able to let go. Now, you realize, you're not that strong a person to let go of one of the best things to ever happen to you. One of the few people in this world that make it known to you how much you matter.

Jungkook's face full on has a blossoming reddish color overtaking it, it's cute. "You shouldn't say stuff like that. I might fall deeper in love with you."

Oh, throwing your own words at you. Great, at least things are somewhat back to normal... maybe? But now you have this uncanny urge to push up and crash your lips against his. Find out finally if his lips really are as soft as they look when they're not cursing you out for winning the one particular car game at the local arcade place.

"What if I want you to keep falling in love with me?"

"You're gonna have to ask me out first, princess. I'm not that easy."

You snort, your body moving to the side. "What, you want me to go one knee like I did when we were kids?"

The little blush on his cheeks has since receded to make camp on his ears and the confident glint has returned back to his eyes. He smirks at you and you feel it; the concrete difference. This isn't the same kind of smile he gives his dates, or even the one he had reserved just for you. This is starkly more. You guess to the mundane eye it wouldn't really be much of a difference. But it's there. In the softness of his features and the velvety dance in his eyes. It's for you.

"I mean, you said it."

You huff out a breath, hoping to the gods above that your voice doesn't fail you now. Biting the inside of your cheek, you square down on one knee and close your eyes for a second. You hear a few hoots from random kids on the street and if you cared any less you would've told them to mind their own damn business. But you're deathly focused on the important task at hand.

Clearing your throat, you begin. "Oh, my, who is this saucy, young beauty?" You cringe to the high heavens as you faithfully remember your ten-year-old-self using this quote from the Power Rangers Operation Overdrive TV series that you and Jungkook marathoned faithfully.

He laughs, an airy sound that builds your courage. "The name's Guk, and you're not fooling me with your phony, pirate charm. I know you're nothing but a common thief."

"A guk by any other name would be as sweet."

"See what I mean?" Jungkook's cheeks widen as so do yours. "You even steal from Shakespeare."

"Would you mind if I stole your heart as well?"

Do you hear that? That is the sound of your cardiac organ flying into overdrive. Please say yes, please say yes, pleasesayyes—

"And what would you do with it?"

You rise up from your bent position; your knee hurts a little and also, it's for effect! What would you do? Is he even ready to hear all the things you've had pent up in your heart just for him? Does he know what grave extents you'd be with him for? The decision was made long before either of you even knew each other's names. It's something that you know has been there since forever.

"Take care of it," you want to kiss him. Oh shit, you want to kiss him right now.

But Jungkook is dead set on dragging this whole ordeal out. "Why?"

You shrug, attempting to be blasé. "Not only am I the most qualified, you should know that, but I'm also the only one who knows what to do with it. Or at least, I think I do. I'll do my best, always."

He nods with a sly smile, his hair falling in waves over his eyes. "You wanna make out?"

You short-circuit. "W-what? Is that a yes? Did you seriously make me spew all that sentimental crap when you were already going—"

"I love you," he breaks through your tirade, moving closer and sifting his hand through the strands of hair framing your face to push locks of it behind your ear. "I really love you and I'm sorry for using someone to make you jealous. Although, I'm not sorry for hearing you forecast your feelings for me to everyone in the entire street—"

"Hey!" You raise your hand to push him by the stomach, but he deftly grabs your fingers within his, intertwining them together and using them as leverage to move your body inches from his. Face-to-face.

"I'm going to kiss you now. If you have nothing else to say, that is."

Shaking your head, you brace yourself for this moment. Finally. You don't particularly care who goes in first but then the impression of his lips touches yours and you feel it, that inexplicable thing. Like if you were to shrivel a comet and throw it into your blood, this would be how it would expand. Your mind is running a thousand seconds a minute as his hands find a haven behind the crook of your neck, deepening the kiss and entangling his tongue with yours.

This is so much greater than the ones of your dreams. His lips are softer than you had previously imagined, and they put all your fantasies to shame. There is nothing gentle about the way he pushes your back against the strength of one of the sparsely located telephone poles. It's a rush you can't identify but you want to feel it. Again, again and then some extra. Your hands weave a path into his hair, holding it for the life of you and he lets out a groan that ziplines straight through your body's core.

Christ, you should have done this ages ago. Whateverthefuck kind of logic had stopped you before? You're left a panting mess when he disconnects his mouth from yours for air. His breathing fans your cheek and it warms your body all over. The droopy smile making its way onto his face makes you feel giddy inside. He reaches down and nips the side of your neck, bruising it a little bit with his teeth.

"We could probably get fined for public indecency," you say.

He snorts into your skin. "One less thing on my bucket list."

"I'm not getting arrested until you give me three lap dances."

"Three? Jealous?"

You heave your shoulders, your hands wrapping themselves loosely around his neck. "Yes."

He smiles. "Honest. I like that."

Before you can reply something to that, some random person yells. "Get a room, idiots!" Successfully breaking the little bubble the two of you had closed yourselves in.

"Busted," Jungkook peels himself from your body, laughing. He moves to take a step back, but you reach forward and grab his hands with yours; interlacing it. Yeah, you might be more screwed than you thought because you don't ever want to let go.

You clear your throat, staring at your fingers. "Yours or mine?"

He squeezes your hand and arches an eyebrow. "If I said I was totally into exhibitionism, what would you say?"

"Well, I guess," you snicker as you decide to follow through with his gag. "I'll have two fewer things on my bucket list."

Jungkook laughs at that, a throaty sound that you promise yourself you'll record for rainy days. His house is nearer to where the two of you stand than yours. So, you already know that he's leading the way there when he slowly drags you into a lazy path alongside him. The two of you walk side-by-side for what seems like forever and your cheeks threaten to split under the pressure.

God, this is what you always wanted. Him and you and nothing else in-between. None of that avoiding the big elephant in the room crap. Now, you can show him to the whole world that he is yours. The feelings in your chest don't seem anything less than positive. Why were you stressing so much about something that was this easy?

You can see the mailbox of his house before Jungkook stops the both of you in your tracks. He looks like he's had a Eureka! moment.

"I love you," he says with a certain clarity that makes angel sing.

A few times in one lifetime, you find someone who can thoroughly flip your world upside down. Someone who you can tell things that you would have never deemed necessary to share with anybody else. And they listen and listen and genuinely want to listen again. With him, you share your worries about your futures, dreams that you're sure can't come true in this lifetime and things you would never admit to anyone but yourself.

The days when something fantastic happens, you can't wait to pour it all out to him. Because even if he doesn't particularly care about it, he will — without a doubt — share in your enthusiasm. Never does he trample on your emotions, willingly at least. Or make you feel insignificant like you somewhat aren’t good enough.

Memories of your childhood flood you back in time and you smile. Being with Jungkook has a way of demonstrating to you just how special you are.  

"I love you too." Finally, you voice the words that have been burning an imprint on the back of your tongue and this time there's no blemish in your mind; this is right.

a/n » ahhhhh oh mygod, i hope people like this and tell me what they think :)) thank you so so much for reading!! and please do tell me if you liked this!

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©️ 2018 kai, moonbelt [aka high-on-food]

[admirablemushroom]

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[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

[foodhx]

I havent written in a very long time. Im grateful i wrote previously and have something to look back on. So much has changed. S and i broke up. Its been more than a year, depending on how you count it, maybe 1.5 yrs.

Im not sure where im going with this, or in life. There were things i believed in before, had hope and ideals. I havent any hope now, i dont know what to hope in (apart from God). Its been like this for a while. What does it look like to hope in God now?

Ive ended up in a specialty i didnt plan on going into. What’s done is done. But the learning point is, it would have been better to take more time to rotate around before deciding, because it was an emotional, impulsive decision (felt way too rushed, i knew this even at the time of applying). It wasnt a peaceful decision, the way such “life-defining” decisions should be made. It was an emotional time - literally six days after S sent that message to break up with me, my boss texted to ask if i was still interested in applying. Im deeply grateful for the opportunity he gave me which i didn’t and don’t deserve. I should have a word with him at some point. On a side note, im deeply grateful that this dept and the people i work with now are mostly of incredible Godly character, a very unique and irreplaceable quality in a workplace.

So much has fallen apart. My career, and the relationship with the person who became my best friend over the course of 7-9 years. It felt unreal, standing there watching everything explode. I couldnt believe what was happening. I never expected things to explode this way. I never expected myself to leave, and i never expected him to leave. He didn’t mean to be cruel, but i experienced it as such, through the whole months of me begging. Especially at the point where he physically walked out on me and closed the door when i was crying hysterically - not to be overdramatic, but it felt like pure coldness to do that to my uncontrollably hemorrhaging heart (like watching that aorta spurting on cardiothoracics). He still thinks choosing not to carry on is right and directed by God, which i doubt. He declined reconciliation despite months of my sincere apologies, pleading with him and my attempts to remediate where i screwed up (he hasn’t made an effort to reconcile with me in 1.5 yrs, cos he’s lost faith in our relationship and, it seems, me, entirely. Unfair as it might feel, that’s the way he feels). All in all, the break up was devastating. I’m still disoriented and trying to find my feet.

Ive significantly lost respect for him, because of his choice not to carry on and to, well, give up on us. I feel that this was more an emotional decision than a decision based on a true seeking of God, true dying to self and true obedience, especially to certain biblical instructions (love your neighbour as yourself, in humility value others above yourself, the relationship as an expression of love for Christ “what you did to the least of these you did to me” rather than a competition for love for Him, 1cor13).

I feel his decision to give up, abandon and betray is not biblically based, even if it can be justifiable by a twist of verses (he justifies not carrying on as him “putting God first”). I feel his decision was driven more by his hurt that i broke up with him, over text, last feb, and my cheating on him in july, than a real, honest, self-challenging attempt to “put God first”. I feel the decision not to carry on came more from his hurt over what i did to him than a true excavation of what it means to obey God and seek Him first. Its not necessary to leave someone whom youve built up a relationship with in order to put God first. Its arguable that being there for one’s friends IS putting God first, rather than leaving them because you can’t deal with it emotionally (greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends).

E says that its never so simple as “i heard it from God”, its all a mix of (sometimes sinful) human emotions as well as right-minded intention to follow God. How much of this move is driven by God vs his own human uncontrollable emotions? I doubt he’s admitted the whole truth to himself or me.

But i think his hurt is valid. It definitely is. He says he still doesnt feel whole coming out of 2019 and how i broke things off with him over text in feb and how i cheated in july. I’m not sure what he feels because i cant identify, but he says he doesnt want to deal with the pain with me because it was caused by me, and he’s not ready to talk to me (“can’t deal with it”). He tried to forgive me at the time, attending counselling with me, but gave up after 2 sessions. So i guess i can believe there may be a part of him that could want to work towards a friendship at some point (tho this is thrown into doubt at times, because of our apparent fundamental and irreconciliable differences). On my end, I feel that ive given him the benefit of the doubt many times, and hes always disappointed me in this process, since the break up. He’s never showed up or been the bigger person.

I could give him time, or i could end things. I could give him time to process what he needs to, and give him the chance to potentially engage with me the right way at some time in the future.

Should i, though?

Well, yes and no. Part of me knows he will only ever disappoint me cos thats all hes ever done consistently. The other part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and just let him process things in his own time because its destructive to operate with such cynicism. One is overly cynical, the other is overly hopeful, and both responses arent centred.

Overall i just dont want to think about this anymore. I just want this whole thing out of my mind.

But is that enough for me to cut him out completely and forever? When i ask him, he replies that he wants to be friends but doesn’t know how or when that could happen. He isn’t at all invested in this “friendship”, even if he says its what he wants. He thinks God needs to encourage it or something before he will put in the effort... its all so screwed up cos of his ridiculous view or way of hearing from God that’s so mystical and non-bible based. I honestly feel really disgusted by him. He has been asking me not to contact him for a long time, more than a year. I’ve agreed to honour that. Mainly out of an understanding that he’ll never change, and ive outgrown him and his cuckoo ideas about how to hear from God. I know even if we become friends in the future, he’s gonna be the exact same dud - and why would i want to go back to that? Even as a friend. My basic requirements for friendship are that i respect the person and they respect me back. He absolutely does not respect me, and i absolutely dont respect him. Even tho we pay lip service to each other in emails for the sake of appearing holy and peace loving, we each are 100% convinced we know better. I don’t see a friendship here. I see disgust. I see contempt. Its beyond repair. And theres no instruction from God to repair it. So it will lie unrepaired for life.

Thinking about him makes me get into unpleasant thoughts and feelings. I dont have the exact words to describe how i feel. Not quite just anger (im over the peak of that), not really sadness (i do feel its sad that i still care about him and think about him so much when he wants nothing to do with me and wants me to not contact him - i mean, i dont have a practice of asking people not to contact me indefinitely, i think its rude, unfair and cruel), not just superiority cos i do admit i dont know everything and God works in mysterious ways and He still establishes a relationship with S even tho there is likely disobedience and misguidedness in S that he may never ever come to realize in this life). Its not purely a sense of betrayal as i walked out first - i knew he wasnt what i wanted, cos he wasnt loving me, or kind, or Christlike in his countenance towards not just me but everyone around us. I shouldnt just have walked out i should have pointed us to God, but there you have it. I dont regret ending things cos i know if i had continued we would be in a worse place than we are in now, where im stuck in an unhappy relationship out of obligation and fear of being alone. Its better to not be in a relationship than to be in one where you arent respected or loved.

I would say this whole event has had an impact on my relationship with... effort and commitment? Knowing you can try your best and have everything still fail. I used to believe in the “power of my dreams”. That i could get anything i wanted if i wanted it enough. But ive learnt that where the outcome is dependent on things outside my control (eg other people, genetics, politics), just trying my best and bringing my best intentions isnt enough. Its something but it doesnt guarantee an outcome - nothing can. You can say God can guarantee an outcome, but i would be cautious to believe only what He’s given in the bible and some revelations that are consistent with that and have been confirmed by wiser believers than myself, and those who know me well.

I have to hope again. And i have to stop wallowing and being selfpitiful. No. I have to hold myself to a higher standard.

The between places.

To focus on the next right thing - passing anatomy and being punctual. Seeking God, esp in my work...